History

Journal History

Monday, August 15, 2005 11:25 PM CDT

My Dearest Cole~

I'm sorry it's been so long since I've wrote or visit. I know you know how much I love you even if I don't visit. You are always in my heart. Alot has happened since my last posting. You celebrated your 6th birthday in Heaven. I bet your parties are the best! It's been 4 years since I last held you in my arms. Sometimes it seems like just yesterday and sometimes it feels like forever. We still talk and think of you often. As i'm sure you know and were there to welcome him (along with Grandma) Bamba came to live with you and Jesus in June. It's kind of strange but like you, he entered and exited this world on the same day of the month. You boys just have to be different, huh? Well send lots of love and prayers to your Daddy. He got hurt pretty bad last week. It could have been worse, but I'm sure he had an angel on his shoulder. Also give Bamba and Mama a hug and kiss for me. I love you Cole, you are and will always be my sweet boyo.

Love you to the moon and back,

Mama

Tuesday October 19, 2004

My Dearest Cole,
It was with great honor that I got to speak of you today and share your life with another person. I have come a long way since the day you received your angel wings. I am able to speak of you with a smile. My heart still aches for the presence of your physical body...the sound of your laugh, the gentleness of your pats, the sight of your binkies laying around the house. But I can speak your name without tears and share all the good times we had and what a huge impact your short life made on us forever.

You received a new friend the other day...his name is Tim Parks. He was a boy who loves to build forts and play with legos...look him up if you have the time. I imagine he would be happy to show you all the fun things that boys do...things you never really got to do. It was very hard to be at his funeral..many memories of the day we said goodbye to you. I am sad for the pain his family is feeling. The shock,the terrible ache inside of knowing he is gone forever. I pray for them and the journey they are beginning...it is a long,difficult road.

Although that great, breathtaking pain is gone I still feel the ache of the absence of your physical presence. I love you very much my sweet boyo. Thank you my sweet child for being my son and the honor of being your mama. Blessings to you...
Love, Mama

Sunday, June 22, 2003 11:53 PM CDT

My Dearest Cole,
Today 3 years ago your life was beginning anew. That day was filled with so much hope. But your new life wasn't to last. Today should have been a celebration. But it only a day for broken dreams. I miss you more than words can say. But this song holds a special place in my heart, and I hope you know you are loved greatly and truly missed.

Fly
Fly, Fly little wing
Fly beyond imagining
The softest cloud, the whitest dove
Upon the winds of Heavens love
Past the planets and the stars
Leave this lonely world of ours
Escape the sorrow and the pain
And fly again.

Fly, fly precious one
Your endless journey has begun
Take you gentle happiness
Far to beautiful for this
Cross over to the other shore
There is peace forever more
But hod this memory bittersweet
Until we meet...

Fly, fly do not fear
Don't waste a breath
Don't shed a tear
Your heart is pure
Your soul is free
Be on your way
Don't wait for me
Above the universe you'll climb
On beyond the hands of time
The moon will rise
The sun will set
But I wont forget....

Fly, Fly little wing...Fly where only angels sing

We love you, boyo...to the moon and back

Mama, Daddy and Kenna

Saturday April 26, 2003

My Dearest Cole,
It always seems that these first few months of the year are the hardest without you. First your birthday...I can't believe you would be 4. I picture you starting pre-school, T-ball, and all the other normal kid things you would be doing now. Then your anniversary date...so hard..I had so many dreams for you. Mostly for you to grow up and be happy. I would've been happy to be able to just give you a hug and a kiss every single day of your life. Next is Easter...you never really got to have much of an Easter. I think you would've really loved coloring the eggs, looking for them and most of all doing our Easter egg break. How you would've loved to smash them with Bamba!!! WE miss you Boyo, more than you could ever imagine. I look forward to the day that we can hold you once again. The day that we are once again a whole family. We love you very, very much!! I pray that you are happy in Heaven, that you can run, play, slide and swim with never an ache or pain. Remember Mama loves you Boyo to the moon and back!!!

With all our love,
Mama and Daddy and Sister too!!!!

Monday, August 12, 2002 at 08:27 PM (CDT)

My Dearest Cole,
How can I even begin to express how much I miss you. You are in my thoughts constantly. I pray for you to visit me in my dreams and to be blessed with a sign from you. Last weekend I went to visit you. I brought you a hammer and a wrench and a pretty angel windchime. I think you really liked them because on Friday I saw the closest, brightest shooting star that I have ever seen! I'd like to think it was you saying Hi! and telling me thank you.

Life is pretty lonely without you, but there isn't a day that goes by that we don't say your name or laugh together at a shared memory. Aunt Kiki says that you come visit often and play with your cousin's toys:) I pray that you're having fun in Heaven. I bet you have lots of friends and that you give Jesus your special cuddles all the time.

We love you very much Cole. You made our life richer and brighter and we thank God for every single day that we were blessed to have you in our lives.

Mama loves you boyo.....to the moon and back!!!

P.S. Give Grandma a kiss for me

Love,
Mama

Thursday, January 02, 2003 at 12:23 AM (CST)

My Dearest Cole,

Happy New Year my love! I cannot believe another year has passed and that we are once again approaching what would have been your 4th birthday. The holidays were lonely without you. Christmas shopping was the hardest because I saw so many things that you would've loved! But together as a family we remember you and cherish each and every day that you were in our lives. Time has begun to take away the shock and intense grief we once felt and we our left with the reality that you are gone from our arms, but not gone from our life. We still feel your presence with us. We are beginning a journey of discovering what we are meant to do with the incredible lessons of love and compassion you taught us. We pray we make you and our Lord Jesus proud.

We miss and love you boyo to the moon and back!!!

Love, Mama and Daddy

We send special prayers for Clayton McDonald and his Family that Clayton will be triumphant in his fight against leukemia once again.

Monday, August 12, 2002 at 08:27 PM (CDT)

Thursday, May 09, 2002 at 10:35 PM (CDT)

My Dearest Cole,
Yet another Mother's Day is approaching that I will be without my sweet boyo. You are always in my thoughts. I miss your pacifiers, your pats, you dancing to the Mazda zoom-zoom commercial,I just miss being your mama. I love you so much!! To the moon and back.......

Maybe He's an Angel by Tommy Shane Steiner

A little boy on daddy's lap, hiding his disease with a baseball cap. You can turn the channel, most people do. But what if you were in his daddy's shoes?

Maybe he's an angel, sent here from heaven making sure that you're doing your best to take the time to help one another. Come on Brother are you gonna pass that test? You can go on with your day to day, trying to forget what you saw on his face, knowing deep down that you could've been his saving grace....

(gender changed to remember Cole)

Wednesday, February 27, 2002 at 12:04 PM (CST)

My Dearest Cole,
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday dear Cole,
Happy Birthday to you....

I can't believe you're spending your 3rd Birthday in Heaven...I wonder what kind of cake you would've liked this year. Would it still have been Pooh? or Teletubbies? I saw the cutest Bob the Builder birthday decorations the other day, little hardhats to wear. I thought to myself that's what Cole would've chose. I know in my heart that you are having the grandest birthday in Heaven. What better gift than to have Jesus next to you celebrating the beginning of your life. How proud He must be of you, for all that accomplished on earth. You truly touched so many lives...especially ours. We love you and miss you terribly.
You will always be in our hearts...

Love,
Mama & Daddy

Sunday February 3, 2002 11:00 PM CST

Dearest Cole,
I can't believe you would be turning 3 on the 27th and that it's been almost a year since we last held you in our arms. We love and miss you more than words can say. You will be in my heart...always.

Love,
Mama

Friday, August 24, 2001 at 03:17 PM (CDT)

Dear Friends,
It has been almost 5 months since our sweet baby Cole went to fly with the angels. Sometimes I can't believe it's been that long..it seems like yesterday that I was holding him. But more often than not it feels like it's been forever since I've heard the sound of his laughter or felt the gentleness of his touch. I miss him with such an intensity that it takes my breath away. I find for me it is getting harder to make it through each day...the shock has worn off now. He is NOT coming back. We are planning to visit Grandma and Grandpa in Santa Barbara this weekend. I keep having to remind myself that Cole is not going to be there. It just seems so natural to think that he would. I have been remembering his final days more and more and dreaming about them as well. Although it hurts me incredibly to remember I can't help but be reminded of the love and peace that surrounded his death. Dr. Hodder and his nurses are truly angels sent from Heaven. God blessed us greatly in leading us to Cottage. For that we are forever grateful...at this time I would like to personally thank some people that helped make his final weeks easier for Josh and I.

Dr. Hodder, Gail, Vickie, Tere, Isabel, Paralee, Terry, Lisa, Susan, and Janie...there are no words...we love you guys.

Oh I can't forget Nancy:) who never got tired of me calling...thank you for being you.

Lisa Stoltz- To our home nurse who very much became the mother I didn't have. I don't know how I would have made it through without you.

Grandma and Grandpa, although I never would have wished Cole to be sick I can see many wonderful things that came from our experience. One of those things being a chance for us to really be a family and get to know each other, we love you both so much and thank you for everything...

Life Chronicles...you gave us such a special gift. I can't even begin to express how much that tape means to us...it is a living reminder of the sound of his laughter and his stubborn will:)

Gary Linker, Thank you for the many hours of helping us focus on what was really important(our marriage and family) and setting an example of how a childs death can have such a lasting impact on so many people...you have honored you son's life in such a profound way.

Wendy McKenna, Thank you for helping to ease his suffering when all else failed. Thank you for sharing you feelings with us in his final days and after his passing. It has been those words that have kept me going many times when I thought I couldn't.

Deanna, Thank you for your friendship and love through all these years. Thank you for being there the day before...the tiles are just one more reminder of his life that I treasure.

Sondra, Your presence that day helped me in such a way that I can't describe. Your love and tears showed me how much his little life truly touched so many people. Thanks for being my friend at such a difficult time.

Gayle, Dr. Mogul knew what he was doing that day. Your friendship and caring ear got me through so many lonely stays in the hospital. Evan and Cole..Best Friends Forever...

Jillyan, Thank you for renewing my faith in mankind and "enlightening" my life in such an incredible way. I am a better person because of your friendship.

Sheila, Thank you for driving down to see us so many times, for coming through and lending your ear, your shoulder, and your car:) when it was really needed the most. And for bridging the gap between our life in Santa Barbara and in the North County.

Paula Niedengard and Tri-Counties...Thank you for helping to give Cole as best of a chance at a normal life as possible while he was here with us. Thank you for your encouraging words and advice in so many different areas.

To my Wal-Mart Friends and Family- Thank you for your thoughts, prayers, contributions, support, bandana's for Cole and helping to make Cole's final Christmas as special as possible.

There are so many of you that I didn't mention but you know who you are. Thank you for you love, support, prayers, and guidance.

I think this will be my last entry...and I just ask one thing. Remember...remember to hug your child even when he/she doesn't seem so huggable. Don't put off until tommorow what you can do today. Be thankful for the little things..for each day that God has given you.

With Much Love,
Josh and Shawnee

Thursday, June 21, 2001 at 12:51 AM (CDT)

Dear Friends and Family,
I'd like to take this time and thank you for your continued support and prayers. On Friday it will be one year since Cole's Bone Marrow Transplant. It is going to be an incredibly hard day for us, as it will be filled with wishes of what SHOULD have been. If he were still here we would be getting ready to meet his donor. WE would be camping and swimming and planning for the 4th of July. Boy would he have loved the fireworks!! I guess I have to remember that now he has the best view of all. On Friday at 3pm our time we will be releasing white ballons in memory of Cole. We will be at his gravesite sharing memories if anyone would like to join us. Once again I thank you all for being such good friends and caring, loving family members. God Bless.

Shawnee

Tuesday, May 29, 2001 at 12:00 PM (CDT)

Dear Friends & Family,
Well it's been 2 months and 2 days since our sweet baby Cole went to fly with the angels. Words can't even begin to express how much I miss him. I miss his binkies, his smiles, and most of all I miss his cuddles. My arms are so incredibly empty. I just can't explain it any better than that. I think the fog is starting to lift and the shock and numbness is starting to subside, and truthfully I'm not ready!! I'm not ready to face reality yet.

We are all doing as well as can be expected. Makenna is actually doing quite well in school, and her friends and classmates are very sympathetic. One of her little friends came up to Josh and I a couple of weeks ago and told us that "Cole gave her some new freckles". I guess her mom told her that angels give her freckles. I thought that was so cute. They never even got to know Cole that well, but you can tell that he really touched their hearts.

Josh and I are back to work and as normal of a routine as possible. We went camping this last weekend and enjoyed being outdoors( as it has been awhile since we've gotten to enjoy being outside)but we all missed Cole and said we thought he would've really enjoyed camping.

Well that's about it for now. Thanks to everyone who has stopped by and signed his guestbook. Thank you everyone for all your thoughts and prayers. God Bless.

Shawnee

Tuesday, May 29, 2001 at 12:00 PM (CDT)

Wednesday, April 25, 2001 at 02:45 AM (CDT)

Okay, this is Cole's dad again. Well how do I start? Welcome family and friends. Tonight as I was driving home from work like I normaly do Mon-Fri, I saw Cole with me, he was sitting in the passenger seat like before but without the car seat. It was so nice to see his little face again. Me and him had taken little trips together like back to the barn where no other cars were around to cause an accident. He loved not being in a carseat. He wanted to be one of the adults and in my heart even though he was still a toddler he was still one of the guys. I miss Cole very much and even though I dont feel him around me that often I dream about him almost every night. He is a part of my life that will never be replaced by anything. One day (if I live my life the way I am supposed to) I believe that Cole will be there to say "hey dad welcome to heaven" and show me the way. You know, everyone says that Cole was an old soul and it is all so true. He wasnt really a baby after about 6 months he was the one taking care of me. He used to give me these looks to say "hey you have had enough and it is time to change because you know when mom gets home she is going to have your hide". You know the only reason I got on here tonight or early morning is because I felt this overwhelming urge to tell eveyone what had happened. I know I could bore you with all the neat little things that Cole did and all the things he could have done if he had lived longer. I once said to my gpa and gma that if Cole would have made it to his pre-teen years that I had planned on giving him the life that their children had, atleast Roy and Vern, of motorcycles. You know I wish I would have been able to do that, I might have had more fun than he did :) Cole was very special to alot of people. To explain how special he was to the people who didnt know him too well, on the day of his passing the nurse that was assigned to him asked me if when the people got there to pick his body up if she could could take him down to them in a big pram instead of them coming up and getting him in a laundry type bin (so as not to alarm other parents).
The hardest visit to the hospital was the the second to last one when me and the doctor sat and talked about Cole and she told me there wasn't a whole lot she could do for him, other than prolong his life and it was extremely sad. But what me and Shawnee did was, I feel the best thing for Cole and that was to not make his quality of life a bad one. We tried to make every day count and we had a lot of help. Don't get me wrong alot of help from family and friends was much needed and was there. I know this is a bad time to end and I'm sorry but I have to go to bed and maybe I will write again. I know that Shawnee will, so all of you take care of each other. Tell your loved ones you love them because you never know what tomorrow may hold. Man I hate the way that sounds but it is so true I didnt realize that we were so close to the end and I wasted alot of time on things I didn't need to. I hope you come back often and write somthing in the book so we know that you came (its just hard to tell what people you have reached and know what you know and who doesnt)

Wednesday, April 18, 2001 at 02:36 AM (CDT)

well friends and family this is Coles dad Josh and I know this hasnt been updated in a long time but we dont really know what to say cole lived a big life in a short amont of time he ment the world to me and still does me and Shawnee went to his final resting place on easter and there was a rabit beany baby on his grave and i felt touched there are many days that I sit back and wonder what he would have been like as a young child as a teenager and as a young man I think Cole would have been a wonderful person and I often wonder what trouble he would have goten in to ( like I am such a saint) I miss my boy every day and I know people are trying to comfort me when they say your young you can have more children its almost like lossing a limb and some one saying hey science has moved a long so far you can have a prosthetic one to replace it this is my first and probly only entry cole was such a wonderfull child and a joy to all he came in contact with and some he didnt. If you didnt know him he was always there to let you know that everything was going to be ok with just a gesture a nice pat alook saying hey we can fix this even when he was in the most amount of pain he was still trying to comfort people around him cole will never be forgotten by the people he came in contact with I think one of my favorite memories of Cole was christmas he crouched down with my little brother to look at the fire and try to blow it out anouther one ofmy favorite memories and it happend lot was Cole was a clean freak even if he didnt take a bite of his food he would wipe his face and there was no taking his great gramas potatoes away from him he would even try to climb the chair to get up to the table to let grama know he was ready for dinner every time I hear a song that was played at his servise or that just plain reminds me of him it brings a smile to my face and a small tear to my eye I just sit back and wonder some times if this is a ll a dream and hope that I will wake from it soon ohg one more thing me and Shawnee found this king of odd on easter when we went to visit his sight there was an owl sitting watching us and when we got near it flew away it almost felt like cole saying hey Im still with you and just keep your head high and it will be ok I know I have probly bored some people but I neede to share this and it is easier to type this then to say it to any one so please just take it in thank you and god bless all and please take care of each other because you never really know how much time you have

Tuesday, March 27, 2001 at 03:46 PM (CST)

Dear Friends and Family,
My sweet baby Cole went to fly with the angels this morning. It was very peaceful and beautiful. He was surrounded by many people who love him. I will post later this week when the service will be. Once again I thank you all for your love, prayers and support. God Bless.

Shawnee

Monday, March 26, 2001 at 07:50 AM (CST)

Dear Everyone,
We are inpatient again. The staph doesn't seem to be responding to the antibiotics. He has cellulitis(which is an infection of the cellular tissue) around his port. It has spread down his arm and to the other side of his neck. He is also growing another "bug" in his urine. All are very difficult to treat,especially because he has no immune system. He has no good cells to fight infection at all. Dr. Hodder has told us that if he does not respond to the antibiotics by morning,most likely he will be gone in a matter of days. He is very uncomfortable. We have him on morphine and Lortab(which is similar to Vicodin). We will introduce another medication if he builds up a resistance to these. Dr. Hodder has promised us that he will be very peaceful and pain-free. I want to thank every one for their prayers,e-mails,phone calls, and visits. It means so much to know how Cole has touched so many lives. God Bless.

Shawnee

Wednesday, March 21, 2001 at 05:51 PM (CST)

Hello everyone,
I am so touched by the numerous postings to Cole's guestbook. Thank you so much I will always treasure the fact that Cole has touched so many lives. Well he is hanging in there. I am happy to report that he is eating(very little) and drinking water and soy milk. We were released from the hospital yesterday. boy are we glad to be home! his counts are very low, especially his ANC(which detrmines how well his immune system is working) the higher the better. So we will be limiting visitors this week. He is in much better spirits now that he is being treated for his staph infection. We still have a healer coming out as often as she can. She says he's a tough cookie and he's not ready to give up yet. He's gonna hang in there as long as his little body will let him. Both she and Dr. Hodder agree that his organs are still working well. That's a plus. Please feel free to call or email me with any questions you may have. Thanks for all the prayers, I believe they are working.

Love,
Shawnee

Monday, March 19, 2001 at 08:43 PM (CST)

We are still inpatient. We found out that the bacterial infection is staph. Big surprise. Every time he becomes compromised the staphs flares up again. His fevers have broken, but he is retaining fluids heavily. So heavily that he has gained 2 pounds since Friday. But he is feeling a little better now. His kidneys are still functioning fine. Thank you, God. We have decided to stop the chemo. That was an incredibly hard decision to make but we feel it is the most unselfish thing we can do for him. He is done. We know that now. We are asking all our friends and family to please make an 8x8 quilt square for him. If you would like to do this, please feel free to and mail it to the address on this site. We will keep you posted and thank you for your wonderful messages. Please feel free to post more than once. God Bless.

Shawnee

Friday, March 16, 2001 at 08:56 PM (CST)

We are currently inpatient with a bacterial infection. He has some pretty significant fever blisters in his mouth and we had to go for platelets last night. They have started him on Vancomycin and hopefully he will start feeling better soon. We gave him some morphine and he is finally resting comfortably. He has stopped urinating so please pray that his kidneys have not failed. I will try to post every day.

Shawnee

Wednesday, March 14, 2001 at 10:24 PM (CST)

Yesterday we went to Cottage to get platelets. Cole has slowed down considerably. He is not eating and will only drink iced tea. Dr. Hodder told me last night that we are down to weeks. I already knew. You can see it in his eyes. He's put up a long and courageous fight, it's time for him to go fly with the angels. Please pray that the time he has left is peaceful. He currently has fevers, so please pray that they break. We still have him on a maintainence chemo, but Dr. Hodder and us agree that the next time the blasts rise we will stop. Thank you all for your love and support. we are truly blessed to have you all in our lives.

Love,
Shawnee

Monday, March 12, 2001 at 01:18 AM (CST)

Hello everyone,
Cole is hanging in there. As of Saturday his WBC is 8.4 and he has 66% blasts. On Friday his WBC was 10 so it seems as though the chemo may still be working. He is slowing down a bit and really isn't eating. He is very nauseated. He received blood and platelets last Thursday. We have started him on the ip-6(new herb) and continue to give him the flor-essence. We have also made some changes to his diet(that is when he starts eating again). Please pray for healing of his stomach so that he can begin eating and drinking again. Please also pray for comfort (as when the leukemia is active it makes his bones very painful). Thank you all for your prayers and support.
God Bless,
Shawnee

Thursday, March 08, 2001 at 09:07 PM (CST)

I wish I had better news, but I don't. It's amazing how quickly things can change with this disease. Todays labs showed 60% blasts in his peripheral blood. His WBC was 7.6, HGB 8.0, and platelets were 6,000. Not good. The white count is still in normal range but going from 1.6 to 7.6 in 3 days shows definite leukemic activity. He goes in for blood and platelets tonight. He is still happy and playful, but has been a little sick to his tummy lately. Please pray for his comfort and for a miracle if it is God's will. Take Care.

Wednesday, March 07, 2001 at 07:30 PM (CST)

Today Cole is having one of his better days. He is still very active and playful. He is currently on maintainence chemotherapy. His counts are looking good. He has not received blood in 9 days or platelets in 5 days. This is very good as he was receiving blood once a week and platelets twice a week. It seems as though his Graft-vs.-Host disease is trying to flare up again and fight the leukemia. Although the doctors are not optimistic about his survival, we are trying to remain as positive as possible. So please continue to pray for a miracle.

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