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CAM'S PAGE 
Cam was diagnosed with stage IV neuroblastoma in January 2002 at only 16 months of age. In October of 2003, Cam was diagnosed with autism. In March of 2004, we sadly learned that Cameron has relapsed.
THIS IS WHAT BINDS ALL PEOPLE AND ALL CREATION TOGETHER -- THE GRATUITY OF THE GIFT OF BEING.
~Matthew Fox
Journal
Saturday, January 12, 2008 7:58 PM CST Good evening, friends. . .
Ah, how life changes. It has been so long since I've updated that I had trouble even logging into the site as the site itself has changed its format.
I have to admit that it pains me to come here. I pull up Cam's page and I see his beautiful face and I cry instantly. Always, the first thought is this: "He looks so healthy and full in this picture (the one on the website). . .not thin and frail. He looks just like a robust three year old." And then I remember that this picture was taken soon after we learned he had relapsed and the toxicity of his therapies had not yet had a chance to take a toll on his body. Then, I just sit and sob.
I miss my little boy so dearly. I've survived somehow but at times I think I am still on some type of "survival mode" that my body has made up to keep me functioning. I miss so many things about the life that I had with Cameron. Daily, I say out loud to him that I miss taking care of him. It was the deepest experience I have ever known.
April 2nd will be two years since Cam left all of us. . . so much has changed in that time. Sometimes, I still don't believe that anything is real . . . the decisions I've made and the life I lead now seem so far away from him. I am coming to terms with many feelings in my life: guilt, regret, and most of all loss. Ultimately, however, I am trying to come to terms with the route my life has taken and trying to settle in peacefully to this new existence. It is not easy in any light.
Med school is going to be far off for me. I did not do as well on my MCAT as I had hoped and it hurt my chances of gaining admission. To make a long story short, the admissions boards have advised me that my coursework is too dated (and in all reality it is . . . it's 10-12 years old). I will be back to school full time this summer re-taking all of my prerequisites: Chemistry, Biology, and Physics. On top of that, I plan on adding Microbiology, Biochemsitry, Molecular Biology, and some courses that I just want to take like the Biology of Cancer and Medicinal Chemistry. At this point, I wil be set back at least two years but it's the way it has to be. I am commited to becoming a doctor and will do whatever I need to do to get into med school. It makes sense, really. It's ludicrous to start med school with my coursework so old . . . ultimately, I feel I will be struggling if I don't refresh on this material.
On top of it all, this past year brought more loss into my life. I lost my father to an inoperable brain tumor in October. It was very fast . . . only about a month from the time of diagnosis. We got Dad moved up here to West Palm to help take care of him and my brother was awesome. He had Dad move in with him so that he could be there 24-7 to help in his care as it was necessary. We didn't expect it to be so fast and it's been extremely hard on us to suffer another loss from cancer so close to losing Cam. For myself, it just put more fuel in my fire to practice medicine.
Although there are moments where I seriously think I have lost everything that ever mattered to me, I remember that life is an experience of many things. Struggle and loss are as inherent to life as are love and beauty. Joy, exhiliration, release, and truth can co-exist even in the deepest seasons of pain. Believe me . . . I have lived this.
Take care of yourselves and love one another. Focus on all of the wonderful things that come into your life daily and you will be able to remember the joys of being alive.
Much love, Michelle
Read Journal History
Links: http://www.lunchforlife.org campaign to raise funds for NB research!
http://www.caringbridge.org/fl/zacharyfinestone Zach relapsed with NB 2 1/2 years ago and is going STRONG!
http://www.caringbridge.org/nc/avabrynne A very witty and funny site through a dad's eyes. Ava has NB as well.
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