Journal History

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Saturday, March 6, 2004 10:15 PM CST

I know I haven't written for a long time. For a long time I haven't felt like I've had much to say. Morgan has become a more personal part of me. I'm not so willing to talk about her anymore. I don't know if that is part of me trying to tuck her away and.....well, think about her as little or as much as I want. Or if that is just the way my grief goes. I've been so busy with Tori that sometimes I can almost pretend I never lost a child. But then I think about it and there is just no way I could ever forget our sweet Morgan. I love her just as much as I ever did. I hold Tori while she is sleeping and remember the times I did the same thing with Morgan. Kissing her precious little head and thanking God for blessing us with such a wonderful gift. And I'd whisper to her, just like I whispered to Taylor, and now Tori, "I love you so very much". Hoping that in their hearts, they truly know how much they are loved. I think they do. There is something when a parent is holding a sleeping child, loving them and thanking God for them...a feeling that you have so much love for that child, such a strong feeling - you would do anything for them. I remember feeling all this with Morgan. Even though I took her into the hospital and I let them give her the medicine that would take her pain away but also kept her so much asleep that she never woke up again - I believe she knew and knows that her family loves her very much. March is an awful month now. It's just a memory of the awful time spent in the hospital. So much hope that we would be leaving with our fragile baby. So much family there to share in the difficult time and support us. We were so very blessed to have our family pull together and support us so much. I miss Morgan so much. I wonder how she would have been playing and what she would have been doing. I love her so much.
Taylor is doing well but she also struggles as she gets older. She understands a little bit more about all the has happened. She is VERY protective of her new sister. Almost too protective. She can't stand the little tumbles little ones take as they start trying to get the hang of the standing and walking thing. She is such a wonderful big sister though. She is just a wonderful person period.
Tori, well, there is no doubt that she has a very big zest for life! She get's into everything! She's not hurt by the little tumbles her sister worries about so much but they do make her mad. Mad that she was slowed down! If I thought I was going to be overprotective with this little one - I'm learning that's probably not going to happen - I'm going to have to run just to keep up with her!
So that's how we are doing. And in my heart I hold Morgan. My special angel baby that will forever be a part of me.
Thank you so much for coming to Morgan's site and thank you for your guestbook entries. They are very comforting.
Sincerely,
Lori

Thursday, August 7, 2003 8:40 AM CDT

Celebrating Morgan's birthday yesterday was hard. I, we, miss her so much. And I see her so much in Tori. It's hard to take that she would have been three. She would have been doing so much - she would have been a terror! But an adorably sweet incredibly loved terror! And just to let US know she was thinking of us - on the way to her grave a rainbow came out in the sky. It was beautiful - so vivid and bright. Such a special thing for a hard day. And her sister, Tori, was giving me an usual number of smiles in the afternoon. AND! She laughed for the first time. So although it was a hard day, there were very special things that happened that made it a very happy day too.
Thank you to all of you that remembered her and us. It really helps!
Sincerely,
Lori

Tuesday, July 8, 2003 4:38 PM CDT

Well, our newest little one is growing fast and getting stronger. I realize now how much Morgan wasn't growing. It's hard because even though Tori has gotten a clean check out from the heart doctor....I worry that something is going to take her away from us. I have dreams where she is taken away. I know it will get better. Each day that she is with us, it gets better. Children are such a miracle and such a blessing it is very painful to hear of parents that take them for granted and some that try to harm their children.
Thank you to those of you who keep coming here. I'm not sure how much longer this site will be up. Morgan will forever be a part of me but I am not finding the words to keep this site going.
For now I will leave it here and thanks again for all the wonderful guestbook entries!
With MANY hugs,
Lori

Monday, June 2, 2003 11:42 AM CDT

Morgan is a BIG sister!


On May 23, 2003 at 12:58pm I am happy to say we welcomed a new member to our family! Tori Rose came into the world beautiful as ever! I'm sure she has already met her sister Morgan as she is playing some of the tricks on her mama that Morgan played!

Tuesday, April 1, 2003 8:40 PM CST

I'm thinking each day this week and actually it probably started sometime last week about the two-year anniversary of Morgan's death on Friday. I miss her so much. I know though that somehow she just wasn't meant to stay with us long. Not that I wouldn't be SO happy if things had turned out differently, but there's just something about it that makes me feel she is really happy. Remembering the awful time we spent in the hospital is hard. My heart goes out to families that have to go through that. It's so scary. And while I'm mourning the loss of one angel, I'm looking forward to the arrival of another. And somehow I feel like the two already know each other! I guess I'm not so good at writing tonight. I think my feelings are all caught behind the wall I've put up. I'm sure they will all come flowing out though once I visit Morgan's grave. I love her sweet face and remember how her sister, her and I would cuddle. I hope I can hold onto that feeling forever.
Thank you so much to all of you visiting her site for the first time and those of you letting me know you are still thinking of us. It means so very much.
Sincerely,
Lori
Below is a poem that I found somewhere, probably in the Heavenly Lights Newsletter, and I thought it was very touching...

In The Light

A shadow of joy flickered; it is me.
I told you I wouldn't leave.
My spirit is with you.
My memories, my thoughts
are embedded deep in your heart.
I still love you.
Do not for one moment think
that you have been abandoned.
I am in the Light.
In the corner, in the hall,
the car, the yard --
these are the places I stay with you.
Love does not diminish,
it grows stronger.
I am the feather
that finds you in the yard,
the dimmed light
that grows brighter in your mind,
I place our memories for you to see.
We lived in our special way,
a way that now
has its focus changed.
I still crave your understanding
and long for the many words of prayer
and good fortune for my soul.
I am in the Light.
AS you struggle to adjust without me,
I watch silently.
Sometimes I summon up
all the strength of my new world
to make you notice me.
Impressed by your grief,
I try to impress my love
deeper into your consciousness.
As you should,
I call out to the Heavens for help.
You should know that
the fountain of youth does exist.
My soul is now healthy.
Your love sends me new found energy.
I am adjusting to this new world.
I am with you
I am in the Light.
Please don't feel bad that you can't see me.
I am with you wherever you go.
I protect you,
just as you protected me so many times.
Talk to me and somehow
I will find a way to answer you.
Mother, father, son or daughter
it makes no difference.
Borther, sister, lover, husband or wife,
it makes no difference.
Whatever our connection-friend or even foe-
I see you with my new eyes.
I am learning to help wherever you are,
wherever I am needed.
This can be done because
I am in the Light.
When you feel despair, reach out to me
I will come.
Our love for you
truly does tanscend from Heaven to Earth.
Finish your life with the enthusiasm
and zest that you had
when we were together in the physical sense.
You owe this to me, but more importantly,
you owe it to yourself.
Life continues for both of us.
I am with you because I love you
I am in the Light....

Author Unknown

Saturday, February 1, 2003 9:22 PM CST

I know I haven't been out here, at least not officially, for a long time. I'm sorry. I come out here and check the guestbook and then feel bad that I haven't left a new entry in so long. I can't really tell you why. With Christmas and this precious gift growing I've had a lot of mixed emotions. I'm so scared of losing any of my longing or grief for Morgan. I love her so much and realistically I know that won't happen. But still part of me feels....something, like we're tempting fate, like part of me is trying to just move on. With every person that finds out we are pregnant I expect them to tell me, "You know you can't replace Morgan". And I've got a tirade ready to release on them. But fortunately there have been no victims of that...yet. And maybe it would just be me yelling at myself. I have found that well meaning people get really lost in trying to find the right words. And sometimes it takes all my strength to keep repeating to myself, "They mean well, they mean well, they...". We have now had our level two ultrasound,which I was kind of disappointed. Here I was expecting clear color pictures and it was only a little less grainy than a normal ultrasound! I know, I'm not very grateful! I am, I am. I know there are parents that never even have an ultrasound - I can't imagine that! But with Morgan's defect I now know defects can happen to us, and in my mind our baby's defects might not have been limited to the heart. So I was almost crying when they said that the baby looked perfect and there were no detectable heart defects at this time! And I saw two arms, two legs, a torso with the parts in all the right places, and a sweet little profile! I think it was at that moment I felt I could start looking forward to this baby. Maybe everything would go okay. And we were told that it appears this little one looks like a girl! That will be a challenge. It will be hard not to see Morgan. But I know this little one will have her own little personality just as Morgan and Taylor have theirs! Taylor was thrilled to learn she wouldn't be getting an icky boy! Daddy was just relieved the baby looked perfect. So we go on. We take things as them come and most of all we handle them as a family. I'm sure even Morgan is still with us and is there laughing with us when Daddy does something really funny. Well, I'm running out of words. The days events have kind of hit me. The loss of life is a hard thing to take when it happens so quickly, but it's no longer something I find so very strange. I believe that those seven brave people who lost their lives are in a better place now.
Okay, well I better go. Thank you so much for coming back and checking on us, for checking on me. There are so many of you out there that are silently supporting us. Don't think I don't know, I do. And it means the world to me. And thank you to our new visitors. It's so touching to get your guestbook entries and to think that you have read our complete story and have cried with us. Thank you.

Sincerely,
Lori

Saturday, December 21, 2002 at 10:44 AM (CST)

Happy Holidays! It's easier to be in the holiday spirit this year. I've come to have a great deal of peace with Morgan's death. I still very much believe though that her spirit is still with us. I don't focus so much on not having her here. Just that we were lucky to have, lucky that I could have been her momma. I guess I still got caught up with the holidays though and forgot that I needed to spend some time grieving. A good friend saw it and gave me a wonderful song, it's called "I Believe". I listened to that song in my truck all the way to pick up my daughter and just let the tears flow. It felt good. I'm so thankful that I had a friend that could see that! I guess I'm going through a lot more emotions than I probably realize. I know I'm very defensive about anyone thinking I or we're trying to replace Morgan. That could never be. And I would never want it to be. I think Morgan has already met our new little one though and is probably keep a close eye on him or her! And I think she's happy. Happy that we haven't been scared off!
I think of all the other parents suffering through the holidays now. I wish them the peace that I have been so graciously given. I don't know quite how to explain it. It's a warm feeling that everything will be okay. I believe that. I may not be happy with how things turned out, but I trust that God knows better than I what is best. I wish this peace and trust were more easily given. I see so many parents struggle and know that they are the only ones who can get out of where they are.
I won't go on long. I know the last entry was short and I felt bad. I thought I'd be able to do better this time.
Happy holidays to all of you. I wish you peace and happiness!
Love Always, Lori

Friday, December 13, 2002 at 12:05 PM (CST)

Christmas is nearing and as it does I, like many other parents that have lost a child, can't help but feel pain that our little Morgan isn't here. We remember her often and talk about how she and her sister would be getting along. Okay we laugh about that! I like to think though that Morgan is with us during the holidays, I know she's on alot of peoples minds.
With our other little one growing, I think all is going well. The first months are hard. Harder now because I worry so that all will be okay and that everything is forming as it should. A little window would be nice!
Well, I don't have much to say now. But I wanted to let you all know I was thinking of you and still so thankful for all your support.
I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and Happy New Year!
Love Always,
Lori

Monday, November 11, 2002 at 09:48 PM (CST)

Well, I was going to just stop in and check the guestbook entries. It touches my heart so to see the people that stop and leave such beautiful messages. And then I saw the other families that are battling ARDS. And it REALLY touched me. It's a blessing to know that not all parents lose a child to ARDS. Thank you for that. Thank you for sharing YOUR story with me. And thank you for letting me know that some WILL survive. It hurts still because it wasn't Morgan that survived. But as I've said, I would wish losing a child on no one, and it DOES make me feel good to hear that some survive. Thank you so very much.

Now, I haven't been on for a long time because I'm not very good at keeping secrets. And well.....I've got, we've got, a new little growing! I'm excited, I'm terrified, I'm wondering if I really know what I'm doing! I didn't know I'd be quite this scared. But it's been good too. For one moment I stopped and thought about everything I'd done up until this point. Nothing outrageous, nothing dangerous, certainly nothing to endanger the life of the precious child growing inside me. So how could I have done any different with Morgan? How COULD I have known that her little heart wasn't developing normally?
I couldn't have.
Period.
That doesn't mean I won't forever question if something could have been done different. I will. Steve will. I'm guessing everyone working on Morgan will always wonder that.
But that moment was important. It was good. I don't know when the heart develops - I DO know I wasn't doing anything to endanger my child.
So that's it. That quiets a question.
And I go on to the next step. The next day of worrying. I try to tell myself, "Let it go, God will take care of it". And ya know, I kind of believe that, but I also know theres something else too. And then I have an angel friend that reminds me I'm lucky I can get THIS far! And I'm humbled and realize that I am. Aren't angel friends wonderful! We get so caught up worrying about what we might not have we forget about how fortunate we are to have what we do.
But I still am thankful for your prayers - so thankful. I've been so blessed in my grief and think it's because I, we, have so many silent supporters. Thank you is not enough but hopefully I can return all the kindness I have been shown. I pray this little one is developing normally and all will be okay.
I am happy - just scared. Scared if I talk about it too much something will get turned around. But then I'm happy so I can't be quiet either!
But I've got it out now and hopefully that will hold me for awhile - otherwise I might have to walk up to strangers and share our good news with them! Oh well! I'm sure they'd smile!
Stay safe and give a big hug to the ones you love!
Love, Lori

Friday, September 27, 2002 at 10:09 AM (CDT)

Everytime I enter a journal entry and get guestbook entries I am so touched by what people write. For the families that have lost someone, or have been so lucky as to have survived, ARDS, we have a connection. ARDS is such an awful thing. You somehow think that doctors have all the answers and surely they can fix this problem. This can't be something that will be the end. I still wonder if there was more we could have, should have done for Morgan. Maybe if I had been able to find a specialist. Maybe if I could have contacted the people that are studying it. In my heart I guess I know she just wasn't meant to be here for long. It's hard though. Your children are so precious, you look at them and wonder how you ever got so lucky. They are such miracles and to see the beauty in them....it's hard to let go of that for awhile. I believe that I will see Morgan again one day, and all the love we share will be there. But it is hard to be without her now. I imagine her playing and laughing and getting into mischief! I think she'd like to play tricks like her Daddy! Okay, like her sister too! I was in what used to be her room, well, I still refer to it as Morgan's room just because anything else would take too many words and seem strange. But I was thinking, the walls are purple, the carpet is a dusty rose, that was for my two girls. The plan was to have the two girls' rooms those girls. Now I don't have one, it wasn't SUPPOSED to be like that. And then I left the room. I know going over that and over that won't get me any where but I guess I'm still kind of mad. I could never wail on my daughter like the woman shown on TV. HOW can she DO that? Then I was in the grocery store and a mother with a very tired and bored with shopping 4 year old was yelling and arguing with her daughter. The little girl started crying because of the time her mother told her she would be spending in her room. I can't be THAT smart that I can see when my child is tired and realize there are things I'm just not going to be able to do. And certain ages just come with things you can't take them along to do, for them and YOUR sanity. I don't believe that a child should sass off or get away with things they are not supposed to do but I don't think yelling and physical punishment are the answer. I wanted so bad to say something to mediate this argument going on between that little girl and her mother. But it's so touchy. I know that mom is human and she's doing the best she can. I'm sure she loves her daughter very much. I....I don't know, I feel like I'm making excuses. It hurt so much to see that going on, but I couldn't get involved. Isn't that what most of us do? I know it's not right. I'd like to think if I saw someone wailing on their child, I'd get involved. I'll never forget one time when I went shopping with my dear grandma. I idolized her, she was my best friend. We witnessed a mother hitting her child in a car. Some people were telling her to stop and my grandma actually said if more people did that maybe kids wouldn't be so bad today! I couldn't believe that! HOW could she SAY that! My grandma, she'd never laid a finger on me. I guess I kind of wrote it off to that she'd come from a different time. But, obviously, I've never forgotten it. My grandma has passed on and was there I'm sure to meet Morgan. That's a lot of what I imagine, her holding Morgan and taking care of her. Well, my Grandma and her Grandpa Olin. I'm sure he is very proud of his grand-daughter! Not quite the way he would have liked to have it but proud non the less!
I guess I'm really struggling with how parents treat their children. If I've said it before I'll say it again, I'm NOT the one to judge. It just hurts to see children hurt. They are so special and everything they learn, everything they see, affects them. We CAN'T protect them from everything, Taylor knows that. But we can try to help them understand. And we SHOULD always give them unconditional love, they deserve that.
Well, I'll get off my soap box now. And those of you that have given me so much support and told me to write a book...I'm thinking about it. I DO, DO, DO value your opinions - whether I know you or not - but I just don't see someone intentionally picking up a book to read about a mom who lost her precious daughter. And I've never been able to go back and read the journals that I've written before. I don't know when and if I could ever read the journals I wrote from the hospital again. There is so much pain there - I don't know if I can go back. But I'm thinking about it - if nothing else I could print them off and put them in an area of the book without looking at them again. Yeah, okay, so that probably wouldn't fly. Well, I'll keep thinking. Thank you so much for all your support and kind words. You are wonderful people.
Lori

Thursday, September 12, 2002 at 08:54 PM (CDT)

Well, it is one day after that dreaded event last year. It's so awful to look at all the innocent lives lost. To a parent that has lost a child though, okay, well to THIS parent, it hit's you hard, but I don't think AS hard. I don't know as I write these words so many conflicting thoughts run through my head. I can't type fast enough to get them out! On one hand your child has been lost, there can be no....well, that is a very HUGE pain that is hard to top. On the other hand you know, you now believe and cling to, that there IS a heaven, a place that is so beautiful we can not comprehend it. You know that even though those people died a horrific death, they are in a very beautiful place now, safe from all this worlds pain. But then instantly your mind flashes to the children that were left behind. Losing a child is awful, but I think most parents would agree they'd rather have the child go to our Lord than be left without a parent. It's true, there ARE many wonderful people out there waiting to take care of these children. But the pain of losing a parent, I think aside from losing a child, that also is a parents nightmare. Okay, so I've really spit out a lot. So many DIFFERENT points of view. It's just so good to see us all come together as a nation and remember these people whose lives were TAKEN from them. I have a hard time understanding how there can be people in this world with so much hatred in them that they could do this. HOW, how, how can they think they will be rewarded by our Lord? Where did history go so wrong that they would THINK this is honorable? I guess no one really has an answer for that. The resounding message though is we will still stand! Never have I been more appreciative of my freedom than now. Never have I been prouder to be an American. It's good to feel like this again. You felt like this, okay I felt like this in school, when I was young. But somewhere growing up that's lost. It shouldn't be like that. Those people in the armed services put their life on the line the day they signed up. They do that for us, for our freedom. They AREN'T perfect, like us there are bad ones in the bunch. But they are still out there, they are there standing up to protect us...and most of all, our children. That is a duty we can never over look or take for granted. One day, it could be our children making this committment and performing this duty.
From me, for the sake of my family, and all those I hold dear, thank you. I will not forget those of you that have fought before and those of you that fight now. You ARE our heros.

Sept. 13th, 9:05am
I had to sign in again because of this nagging addition I felt I should make. Not only do the service women and men sign up to put their lives on the line but so do the police, fire, and rescue workers. These people deal with bad situations here everyday. We do not forget them either, thank you.

Friday, August 23, 2002 at 11:11 PM (CDT)

It is 11:10 at night and I am sitting up trying once again to figure out what I can write to do justice to you that still come and check on us. For the most part we are doing very well, very well considering. I find that I am wanting to hold my sorrow farther and farther away. It's not that I will ever let go of it, I just don't need it so close any more. The mention of Morgan's name makes my heart skip a beat and brings tears to my eyes. I think it will forever be that way. And that's okay. But I find that I cannot keep myself as close to all the stories of child loss, as painful as it is, there are happy stories in all of them. Parents that will tell you, as short as their time may have been, they are happy for that. And in each story you find someone, probably MANY someone's, whose lives have been changed because of a child, an angel. I hear, at least weekly, from someone who thinks of Morgan often. That means so much. And what is so astounding to me is that a majority of the people that remember her, include children. Children whose lives shouldn't include death, but these children remember our baby girl. They pray for her, and for us. It saddens them to think of our little angel taken away so soon. It all leaves me feeling as if Morgan has friends, angel friends that reside here on earth. They are disguised as your children. Your children that remember Morgan, and I think will never forget her. That touches my heart in such a special way. It's almost as if, through them, she is still letting me know she's around. It's hard to explain, but I get the message. That seems to be the trouble now, a lot of things make a lot more sense to me now. I just don't have the words or way to explain them. The biggie, why would God let Morgan slip away yet we are to trust he will watch over us? That IS the toughest. Somehow in my head I've come to an understanding, it's just the explaining I can't seem to master. I think most parents reach a point where they gain some kind of understanding. Somewhere after the BILLIONITH time of questioning WHY and going through all the events again to see if you can pinpoint the place or places where you went wrong, it comes to you. It was just supposed to be that way. God was there. He, my image of God is of a kindly, old man, was crying too. I don't think we are supposed to trust that God will "save" us, I think we are supposed to trust that he will watch over us, and do what is best for us. And this is the hard part, he did what was best for Morgan, not me, not Steve, not her sister, Grandma's, Grandpa, etc. - but for Morgan. And that is all Steve and I would want. I know she is safe, and I know we will see her again. That doesn't make me miss her any less. And it doesn't take the pain away on holidays or those times when it just hits you. But it does give me peace, peace that everything about my sweet angel isn't just over.
I guess I go over the same thing again and again. That is my way of understanding it better and being "okay" with it. Well, as okay as I can be! And if something I share can help you, I want it to. Our loss has meant a lot of growth has gone on. If I can share that so that you can know this without having to go through the loss, that would mean a lot.
Now, for my thanks. Thank you all for leaving such BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL guestbook entries. Just to know you are thinking of us means a lot.
Sincerely,
Lori

Saturday, August 03, 2002 at 09:18 PM (CDT)

As Morgan's second birthday approaches I'm apprehensive as to how it will go. I wonder so much what she would have looked like. Katie and I went to the park the other day and I saw a mother with two young daughters, younger than Katie and probably older than Morgan but it still made me think. I wanted to go up to her and ask her all the things that two year olds go through, just to help me remember what it was like, what it may have been like. But then I saw her youngest looked older than two. I saw two mom's having a picnic, one with a small baby boy terribly bored by the whole thing. I wondered if they know how truly lucky they are to be sitting there doing that. I wonder if most people that for the most part live normal lives know how lucky they are. I know we all have struggles, but for those who have lost a child....it's harder. The grief you work through, you know you have to ride it out. But the pain just never leaves, the questions never leave, WHY. We saw a couple tonight, the man was obviously drunk, acting awful and throwing beer cans and bottles out the window. We both unfortunately pulled up at the same gas station, Rico Suave had to pee, I was saddened to see three children, including a baby in the back seat. It didn't appear that the woman driving was drunk - but it's sad that she doesn't value her children more than that. We would have called the highway patrol but I'm not quite sure which way they went. That is something very hard to accept - how can some parent(s) get to keep their children when they obviously don't appreciate them, and I, we, couldn't? That just doesn't seem very just. Last year a woman left an entry in the guestbook telling me I was LUCKY, LUCKY, that my sweet angel was with God! Her boys were with their dad and his girlfriend, I could not BELIEVE she wrote that! How dare she! But I have put myself out there. I take the good with the bad. Luckily, yes, I am lucky this way, her's has been the only bad entry. We all have bad days I guess. I still really think about what she'd look like and what she'd be doing. I'm sure she would be getting into everything. Tormenting her sister. But it'd be so fun! I was so happy two years ago, I had my perfect life. And I was thankful for that. I knew I was lucky, how does that not end up counting for anything? I thanked God for my daughters and husband and all that we had. I guess I struggle with the WHY a lot. You have to stop thinking about it though, or you could turn into a real angry person. There are many people that have suffered much more than us, those poor parents wondering where their sweet daughter is. It isn't fair and it isn't easy. But this is life. Realizing that we all have struggles and being there for each other. Being able to talk about it is what helps us through. I am so, so grateful for those of you that come here. I must admit I check the hit count and then the guestbook. To know that you all care and offer what you can means so much. Thank you. I tell you this in advance, last year I was very much taken aback by all that came and signed the guestbook for her birthday. I am ashamed that I cannot do the same. I have a hard time going to others sites and reading the sad stories. The children are all so beautiful. I want to, I really do but I'm afraid I'd sink back down. It doesn't leave my mind though so hopefully one day I will be able to go to them and offer my support. For now, I, we will try to get through this second birthday Morgan should have been, probably is, celebrating.
Sincerely,
Lori

Saturday, July 20, 2002 at 06:40 PM (CDT)

Another holiday, two actually if you count my birthday, which I do, has come and gone. Someday I guess I'll look forward to them again. I've heard and seen grieving parents and we all seem to be in such different places. I wonder sometimes if maybe I'm holding onto my grief, hiding it, ignoring it or something. I don't think so though. It only takes a thought of my sweet Morgan, okay, our sweet Morgan (just in case Steve actually reads this), to send a arrow of pain into my heart. I've worried, and maybe still am, that if I'm too happy I'll forget her. But I've also come to the realization that even if I wanted to, which I don't, I could never forget that girl! It still seems odd to me though that this is my life. That I'm still the one that has lost a child. I don't think that will EVER seem right to me. Somehow it seems more okay if a bad parent or parents lose a child. And maybe I'm being vain, but I don't think I'm a bad parent. I don't think Steve's a bad parent. So it still does not make sense to me that this is us.
A woman that used to work at my current job is the reason I came there. I was employed at the time and didn't really NEED another job but thought it might be nice to not have to cross the river. (Why does EVERYONE slow down going over a bridge?) She was so real, and so confident. I told her point blank that my family was my life, not my job. And to my surprise she applauded me for that, so I went to work there. About a year and a half ago, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. It's been hard to watch her decline but still think of things to encourage her. Death isn't something that scary to me right now though. And I tried to think of what I'd want in her place. I tried to send her hope of encouragement but also if it wasn't to be, it'd be okay. There is nothing to be scared of. I still don't know if that was the right thing to say. Everybody avoids talking about death - maybe I should have too. I asked her though to give my angel a hug and kiss from her mommy if she ends up in that wonderful place. I know, I know, you are probably shaking your head at me and thinking how awful I am to have said that. And yes, I do regret it, but part of me doesn't. I DO want those things for Morgan, I KNOW she probably knows, and I know she probably gets all my "air kisses". But if, just if, there's a chance she could get more - I'd sacrifice what people think of me. And it goes back to my thoughts on death again. Heaven must be so wonderful - we can't be afraid. Well, this wonderful woman, I apologized to her but she said she knew it was coming from my heart. I'm not sure if that means she's mad at me but I'll leave it at that. She's in the hospital though and in a lot of pain. She's pretty much drugged up on morphine all the time and out of it. It reminds me of Morgan - how she was so drugged up - not really alive but not dead. I feel for her family, I want to go see her but I'd hate, okay not hate, I don't like to use that word. I'd feel really bad if I ran into someone that REALLY didn't like that I'd said that to their relative. So, I'll keep my distance.
I guess I've really wandered. Sorry about that. I guess I'm hoping if you are still coming here and reading you are okay with what I write and say. I appreciate that soo much. An update on the pond - Steve dug out a lot, A LOT, A LOT with his bobcat. But see I'm really a Minnesota girl and surprise, surprise, I DO melt in the heat! So I haven't been out there again. Besides that those mosquitos really seem to enjoy my blood! And I can't leave mosquito bites alone - I'm the one you see walking around with little round scabs all over! Yes, another bad influence for my daughter! So I have a big hole for the pond, and it IS a pond when it rains. I'll get back to it though - the plan in my head isn't going anywhere! I was also recently shown a neat idea by painting a rock and writing a memorial on it. I think I might try to do that for the tree the neighborhood dedicated to Morgan.
Well, this has been a much more upbeat entry. It's in part due to Kathy Howe, I hope it's okay I put her name out there! I just left her site, www.kazoofus.com. We think a lot a like on SOME things. There's a big one that's different between us right now - but that's okay, it'd be boring if we were too alike!
Please pray for the missing children. The little girl that is missing is one, lot's more are abducted every day. Pray for strength and peace for their parents - Jesus is already with the children.
And, if I may, realize what you have and how precious it is. Those of you that come here probably already do. Even though I have a daughter in heaven, I'm thankful for the time I had with her. And I'm thankful for the wonderful husband and soul mate I have and the beautiful, intelligent, strong daughter on earth that I have. Okay, yes, I'm thankful for our brave watch dog too! Even if he does make my life more...oh, never mind, I'm being thankful here!
And one more thing just to be EXTRA mushy....I'm thankful for you. So thankful that I have so many good friends that care so much. You are the ones that have helped me, helped us through. I pray you will never know how much that means!
But also on that note, a very special friend and her family has gone through her first angel anniversary date. That is such a hard time. Her sweet boy though is up in heaven rolling down hills, blowing the fuzz off dandelions, and STOMPING through the mud! Peace be with you my sweet friend.
Sincerely,
Lori

Sunday, July 07, 2002 at 08:41 AM (CDT)

We have made it through another holiday. I was sitting on the hill watching all the fireworks and imagining what Morgan must be able to see. It must be beautiful from her view. But then I guess what she sees daily is probably MUCH more beautiful than our fireworks!
We are doing okay. I'm struggling with "where is she". I like to think she's in heaven. But then what about the day of judgment? I'm not bible-wise at all. And perhaps if I belonged to a church this would be a question that a pastor could tackle with me. Every one is different though and everyone has a different opinion. So, I guess I'll just keep asking people's opinions. I think I make them nervous though - I don't think they want to tell me she isn't in heaven!
It's interesting to hear other parents stories. We all are on different levels with our grief. I just can't imagine living for years and years being sad. She wouldn't want that. I'm very blessed that I've been given such wonderful friends to support me, a wonderful husband, a daughter wise beyond her years, and the peace to know that Morgan is okay. And I'm developing a trust. It was so hard after Morgan passed to realize I don't really have as much control over my life as I thought. I can plan and save and know what I want in my life but that doesn't mean that's how it will go. No matter how careful I am! I can't tell you how hard it is to accept that. I can't accept that one of my loved ones could still be taken away from me again. It shouldn't happen but it does. Look at the families that all but one perishes in a car accident or fire. That is so unfair but it happens. So I don't concentrate on that. I know it's there in the back of my mind. I don't think it would make it any easier if it happened again. It's the part of this all that makes you so mad. You can be nice to everyone, you can give everything you have (these aren't things I'm claiming to have done by the way), you can do nothing but live your life to honor God and still be stricken with tragedy. It's just not fair. But it is free will. And I guess that is what I've gotten to. Once we left the Garden of Eden we were no longer protected. We were given the chance to make our own decisions and with them face the consequences of our actions and face what happens "by chance". I don't really see it as punishment but a different way of living. We took on the desire to face tragedy. Well, I know I'm rambling but those are my thoughts. I've thought and thought about this for so long - the complete unfairness of it all. And what I've said above is the only way I calm my whirling mind. I don't believe God does want bad things to happen to any one. But he did give us free will and from that comes chance. I think he is as sad as we are when bad things happen. I can't imagine how sad he was on Sept. 11.
Anyway! Those are my thoughts! You are free to take them or leave them. I would never push them on anyone! But I do thank you for coming and continuing to support me, us. I can never express my gratitude to let you know how much you all mean to me.
I hope your summers are all going wonderfully!
Love always, Lori

Tuesday, June 11, 2002 at 09:24 PM (CDT)

I can't tell you how sorry I am that I have not written. And I can't tell you how many times I come to this page, think that I should write, check the guestbook and leave. Those of you still checking on us have been very disappointed. I will try to do better.
Morgan's angel date anniversary went very well...well, it was peaceful at least. Family and friends joined us at her grave and it was very wonderful. It felt so good to have those people there - it's amazing how much support you feel from something like that.
I am currently slaving away at getting a garden and pond built in Morgan's memory. It feels good. It's hard and it usually leaves pain in muscles I haven't felt before but it feels so good. The birds are chirping all around me, almost as if they are cheering me on. I can't wait until it is done. I have a vision in my head of what it will be and I'm very determined to see it through.
I'm not sure yet what I will be doing as far as making something more out of sweet Morgan's death. Part of me wants to fight to raise money to find a cure for ARDS, a treatment so that no other mother has to lose a child. And part of me wants to let it be, to let my heart heal and keep Morgan there to myself. I'll think on it somemore and what is right will come to me.
I know this is short, far too short, but I will try much harder to get out again. Thank you so very much for checking still. Your kind thoughts and prayers do help.
Sincerely, Lori

Wednesday, April 17, 2002 at 08:23 PM (CDT)

Well, I know it's been awhile. I can't give you a good reason why I haven't written. It's hard. The day of Morgan's angel date was beautiful. Family and close friends and a dear pastor gathered at Morgan's grave. The pastor read some and we prayed. I read a couple things. And then some family read, some friends read, and each them had the opportunity to share a favorite memory of Morgan. It was a very peaceful feeling. It felt like a very good way to get through this awful day. My dear friend, who is also a momma to an angel, told me that I'd go through things that happened in the hospital and relive those last days. Since I'd made through most of the last few weeks without doing that I was thinking maybe I'd get lucky. But it came. I looked at pictures and for a few days before we were so happy, so hopeful. How could it all have turned so fast? I miss Morgan so much. It's not so much that I don't trust God's plan or trust that Jesus is taking such good care of her...I just ache for her. And today something threw me into wondering if I should have taken her to the doctor sooner. Maybe if I had things would have been different. Could I be responsible for my baby dying? I know it's not good to go here. I can't change the past and it hurts so much to think I could have done something different. I think I believe that this is the way God wanted it, and he would see to it that it happened. But there is still part of me that wonders. I recently went to a presentation by Harold Kushner. He's a rabbi that wrote the book, "When Bad Things Happen to Good People". One of the things he said, and I think he actually said he was quoting someone else, we try to take on the guilt of the death of our child when we cannot handle the feeling of powerlessness. If we accept that we did not have the power to change the outcome, we have to admit we don't have the power to control lives, that belongs to God. So maybe I'm struggling with that again. Maybe it's just that I saw the sweetest baby last night and I wish I had mine. I KNOW she's in SUCH a better place. But I'm selfish and I want her back!

The following is something I'd written on Morgan's angel date but didn't get up the nerve to read:
It has been a year since we had to say good-bye to Morgan. I have learned a lot and found a lot of strength I didn't think I had. I'm living through something I'd prayed I never would have to. I've found support from many people, many people that I wouldn't have expected. I've learned that some friends and family can't support and I can't be upset with them for not being able to. A child's death affects a lot of people, in good ways and bad. But most of all, everyone is just trying to go on. How they do that, how they survive is what works for them. I won't argue that or tell them how they should go on.
I've been, we've been, embraced by so many people that care and joined us in this pain. In those people, I've found the love and support that have given me the strength that they say inspires THEM. In those people I've seen that God has not abandoned us, I see that he is doing all he can to help us. I've seen that angels don't always have halos and wings, sometimes they look just like us.
I've also gained a new understanding of death. I don't fear it any longer. I don't want to die right now, but when it is my time, I think I will be more accepting. I've learned that death does not end a relationship with a loved one. It just changes the dynamics. And I've learned that not everybody is comfortable with that, and that's okay.
I've learned that there are a lot more miracles happening every day than we actually notice. There is a lot more evidence of God's presence than we realize or care to see and believe.
I've felt the awful pain of losing my child on earth, the pain that makes you wonder if a person's heart and body can really hurt this much and not suffer long term damage. It's a pain that doesn't go away but is dulled. It's a pain I hold on to, it's part of me now, it's a badge I wear that says "I've survived and I will continue to survive." I've realized that some can identify very much more than they'd like to with that pain. And some are so afraid of it that they don't understand at all. I've found that this pain will be with me the rest of my life. Many parents that have lost a child still cry in memory of their loss, even when they are elders and many, many years have passed since their loss.
I now believe, truly believe, that most people are good and mean to do good, but sometimes they get lost in not understanding what to do or exactly how. As much as Morgan was our baby and only eight months old, she's touched many lives and remains with many people. Our story and ongoing journey continue to touch people and inspire them in ways that humble me.
I've found that to have an angel in heaven and an angel on earth is a true test of a mother's love. I love my girls equally and I cannot see ever leaving one to be with the other. I cannot see losing myself in sadness and despair and causing one to suffer yet another loss. I see it as my purpose to go on, sharing our story of my angel in heaven, sharing what I have learned, and providing the best I can for my angel on earth. The happier I can live my life, the better I honor Morgan's life. And I trust that Morgan is being taken care of very well, can you imagine a better baby sitter than Jesus or a more beautiful place to play than heaven? I can't. I hold onto this belief and know for Morgan, it will seem a very short time until we meet again. The challenge is on me, and I can handle that.

I can't begin to express my thanks to all of you joining us during this difficult time. It means so much when those around us join us and support us. I pray, and I pray, that none of you will EVER have to feel this pain any sharper. And I pray that this is something we will NEVER have in common. But I know now that prayer isn't always answered the way WE think it should be. If that day DOES come for you, I will be here for YOU. And for those that already have this in common with us, I pray you will be at peace with your loss and will find the strength to go on. Thank you so very much.
Love Always, Lori

Thursday, April 04, 2002 at 06:37 AM (CST)

I'm leaving this blank today in rememberance of our sweet Morgan on her first angel date anniversary.

Wednesday, March 20, 2002 at 07:48 AM (CST)

Hello again. I'm trying to keep my head up as this month passes by. The 11th was hard, actually the 9th was hard because I THOUGHT that was the date Morgan had went into the hospital. Steve corrected me though. The awful day we found out what our precious girl had been struggling with. The day of many questions and the beginning of our rollercoaster ride. The day after would be the last time my precious girl would reach for me. I wish I'd known. But then I might not have let them do what they had to do. That was the day Morgan went on the ventilator. And in order for her to be on the ventilator and not fight it, she always had to be muscle relaxed and for the most part, asleep. I've struggled with what I can plan for April 4th. I know so many of you want to support me and I so want to be able to lean on you. To have you there to hold my hand. But then I don't want to plan anything that takes too much time and energy either. I think I will talk to a pastor and see if we can have a gathering at her grave. And if people want to come they can, if they don't want to or can't that's fine too. I know how much you all care, and Morgan knows. We "get" your good thoughts whether your able to see us or not. So that is what I am thinking - I will decide soon and post it so if you'd like to come you have something to plan on. For those of you sending all your special thoughts and words - thank you, and a big hug. It really helps.

An angel's life:
Morgan arrived clean and on her own time. She was perfect! I was taken away by her perfect little face, perfect little fingers, and perfect little toes. Every inch of her was wonderful and such a miracle. Much the same way I felt the first time I held Katie. I don't think there is a much greater feeling than holding your, or a, newborn baby for the first time and looking them over. What an awesome gift! As much as I knew my time in the hospital SHOULD be spent letting the nurses take care of Morgan - I couldn't. I had to have her with me as much as I could. Miracles like that you can't let go of. Somehow they seem too good to be true and if you let them out of your sight for too long - they'll be gone.
Morgan's trip home was uneventful. We were in the midst of building a house, moving our treasures out of our old house, and making temporary living arangements in our motorhome. Sweet Morgan found a lot of that much too tiring. She spent a lot of the time in Grandma's arms and in her sister's arms. She and Katie spent a lot of time with each other. Katie was right there to help and try to soothe her when Morgan was upset. Morgan was very much a Momma's girl. But Katie was second in Morgan's eyes. Where ever Katie went, Morgan's gaze followed her. She very much knew her big sister was someone special and she wasn't going to miss anything she did! Daddy was so busy building our house we didn't get to see him much. But when she did she looked into his eyes and knew this was the voice she'd heard. Although she didn't quite accept him taking Mommy's place, she knew how special her Daddy is too.

Morgan Moments:
For some reason this moment is staying at the front of my mind. Although it is small and seems like not much to me - maybe there is more here I'm not seeing. I was having a down time, missing Morgan and wanting to see those darn deer. They seem to be finding the deer feeder but never when WE'RE around! So I was on my way to work. I work in Eagan, a suburb of Minneapolis. There is some country left but not much. A couple of blocks away from my work is a field. There has been corn planted there in previous years. For what I can see it looks like about a block size lot - I'm not sure where the other side comes out though. And by my work there is kind of a wooded nature area - I'm not sure the actual size of that either though. But as I was driving by that lot where corn had been planted, it was the beginning of winter so there was nothing there now. There stood a deer at the edge of the field. All by itself, not moving. I couldn't believe and wondered if everybody else saw it or it was just my imagination. And that was it. I'd passed it and gone on to work. Not much but to me it said, "I'm here Mom, and I love you". What more could a grieving Mom ask from her angel child?!

Again, thank you all so much for keeping in touch and for your continued prayers. If you wonder if they matter, they do. If you want proof and you have not seen it reflected in these pages, contact me and I will share more with you. Love Always, Lori

Sunday, February 24, 2002 at 09:51 PM (CST)

Well, here I am again. I apologize, I'd wanted to get here sooner - I was so excited that this was taking off on a different way. But then Valentine's day happened and well, it's just been busy.
So let's go!
An Angel's Life:
I'd been checking with my OB to see if we could move Morgan's arrival along. She wasn't late yet but her sister had really put a beating on my body when she came and I really didn't want to go through that again. So my OB agreed and he scheduled me to be induced - August 6th. We went to the hospital at 6:30 in the morning so they could get me ready. It was fine at first - nothing too bad. I'd been on potacin before - the drug that makes you contract, and I was a little scared. But they were going nice and slow. It hurt like hell but what's a little pain - you know it will be more than worth it! It was noon and I wasn't moving along too quickly - the nurses said they'd like to see me dialate a cm. an hour - so they were thinking 7 PM. 7 PM! That was soooo long! About 2PM Morgan started moving things along, she'd decided it was time. That constant problem though - that the doctor wasn't there - wasn't going to stop her. And the nurses actually told me to wait! Wait! Exactly HOW did they think I'd do that?! Cross my legs? Well, Morgan waited for a little bit and then it was time. So she came into the world at 2:43PM! She weighed 7lbs. 10oz. and she was 20 inches long. Daddy was happy, Grandma Carol was happy, and Mommy was happiest of all! The nurses all remarked on how clean she was - it was as if she'd already been washed off!

Morgan moments:
Katie has had her own dreams of Morgan. She had a dream that Morgan was taking a nap with her (Morgan, I, and Katie, in that order, would take naps together all the time). When she woke up, in her dream I'd taken Morgan downstairs with me. That dream was shortly after Katie and I took a nap together. Then Katie told me that Morgan had told her, that Morgan had also cuddled and slept with us. Somehow I don't doubt our sweet angel DID cuddle with us! Katie also had another dream where she was in a store shopping. Someone was with her helping her and I was waiting outside. When she came out she saw that I was holding Morgan. But Morgan was invisible. And Katie knew that Morgan was our sweet angel - not her alive little sister. But she wanted to hold Morgan. And Morgan told her she had to go be with God. Then Katie got sad and started crying - then Morgan left. I think Morgan is trying to reach out to her sister but is aware that it is still hard for Katie to relate to her on this different level. So she takes it slow - and she helps mom say the right things to make her feel better.

It occurred to me that some of you may feel that I've lost it. In sharing these special things that occur, I'm not giving you reason to think I'm insane. I am very skeptical of miracles. But I also know that I am being "helped" through this. It is not by any thing here - although my dear husband and daughter are truly my life savers. I do believe that I, Katie, we still have a relationship with Morgan. Morgan is still with us. I do not think that makes me crazy. I do think that is a way that I am able to go on. I hope some of this makes sense and if not, I hope you are able to open yourself up to the possibility that there IS more and the beauty and peace I feel is not for me alone. All you have to do is believe.
Sincerely and sanely yours,
Lori

Thursday February 7, 2002 9:16 PM CST

I've decided I'm going to change the format a little and add a couple special parts that I will update each time or as they need updating. One is going to talk about Morgan's life and help you all get to know her. The other is going to tell about special things that happen to us that let us know Morgan is still with us. And something else, my OTHER daughter is going to take a new name, just for here, because I feel better that way and she thinks it's fun!

An angel's life - Morgan's beginnings:
From the moment I, we, found out I was pregnant, FINALLY, we were excited. Katie, Morgan's sister, went with me to the OB appointments. We go everywhere and do everything together so I figured this would just be a learning experience. From the moment we heard Morgan's sweet heart beating - Katie was there. She was there in the ultrasound and didn't feign interest in the black and gray blobs that everyone was looking at. She did think it was cool though when we saw Morgan's hand - it looked like she was waving to us! And that's when we found out our little bundle was probably a girl! The rest of the pregnancy went well, I had a craving for celery but beyond that there was nothing wierd. In April, of 2000, when Steve's mom took us on a cruise, I know that is SOOO NICE! Anyway, one child went, Morgan, and one couldn't. So it was special, it was special having that little babe with me. I worried a little about going into labor in a foreign country but most of all I just felt special. But Morgan didn't really like the airplane, well, at least not the taking off and landing part!

Morgan Moments:
Shortly after Morgan passed Katie was taking a bath and I was trying to just get through it so I could get her to bed. When I went to switch off the fan and the light, the fan wouldn't shut off. It was very odd - but then we figured out that it was Morgan playing with the switches!
Last fall I had my one and only dream of Morgan. I was looking at her headstone, and her headstone has her picture on it. But it wasn't a picture of her as a baby, it was a picture of her like she probably was at that time. She stepped out of the picture, turned her head slowly and smiling at me, a mischievious smile, and then it was done. I called the next week to find out if her headstone was in, it was something I wanted perfect and wanted to be done with. They said it was and that it had been in for about a WEEK, they were just waiting for the picture! I guess that was her way of telling me it was done!
A number of times I've requested to see deer - we have a deer feeder but don't see the deer much. With every request, shortly thereafter I see the deer. One evening last fall, Katie and I saw a momma and baby go running by. That was very special. One evening I was really sick with that 24hr stomach flu. I went to bed and feel fast asleep at 7pm. At 11:00 I woke up, it was as if someone WOKE me up, I went to the window and looked out and saw 4 deer at the feeder. So yes, my requests are usually answered, even if I'm sleeping! That's been a bit more difficult now that the deer seem to be feeding late at night but I don't mind getting woken up - it's nice to feel her there.
Thanksgiving. Morgan visited a dear friend, a friend that Morgan pesters quite a bit, and gave her an image of how Morgan would be with us at Thanksgiving. My friend saw Morgan as a very bright white light floating around the table and floor. And she was SNEAKING pieces of pie! She didn't want me to see because she didn't want me to put it away. She saw that I was sad but she didn't understand why. That image helped me get through Thanksgiving.

I think I'll leave it at that for now. I have more to add but I don't want to bombard you with too much! And thank you. Thank you for checking on me here, thank you for the beautiful guestbook entries you leave, and thank you for not forgetting Morgan. Sincerely, Lori

Saturday January 26, 2002 11:52 AM CST

Here I am again, signing in and not exactly sure what I have to say. I've really been touched by people talking to me about Morgan this week. I still feel her with me and still have that special peace. You all are so kind and say that I'm so strong. I have no doubt you all would do the same if you unfortunately found yourselves in my shoes. And I will not claim to do this alone at all, first and foremost I have God - he is always with me and is responsible for the peace and strength I feel - I don't know any other reason that could explain that away, second I am surrounded by very special people, angels who call themselves my friends. These people let me come to them and talk about trying to cope without Morgan, about missing her, about the special ways she lets us know she is still with us, and they let me cry. They hold my hand and help me through. I am so fortunate to have so many dear friends. And I cannot forget my earth daughter and my husband, okay, and my dog! They make me smile, give me kisses, and drive me nuts to let me know I'm still a mom and I'm still needed. And I have all of you, you that check in on me, you that come new to the site and leave such kind guestbook entries. I am truly amazed by the number of you that don't shy away. This is an awful thing to live with and I don't honestly know that I would have kept so close to it if I didn't have to. Thank you. Your prayers and your support help so much.
I've joined a new support group. It's in the hospital where Morgan passed. It's so hard to go there. I walk through the halls and it's as if I'm right back in it again. I can remember running to the bathroom, happy because things were a little, a little better. And then I remember the awful pain holding Morgan, knowing that she was leaving her earthly body. Scared to hold her too long and feel changes in her body that I didn't want to remember but not wanting to let her go either. It is definately hard to go to that hospital. And it seems I'm the only one that crys in the group so that's a bit of an adjustment. There's nothing I can do about though so I'm trying not to dwell on it. But we will see how it goes. Each group is different.
As March and April approach I dread them even more. Maybe if I start thinking of something special to do on her angel date it will make it a little easier. I'm open to suggestions if anyone has any good ideas. I don't want it to be too much but something. That's not much to go on but maybe some of you will have an idea.
Again, thank you so much for your continued support. And thank you for your wonderful guest book entries! I check like every other day.
Please stop and read this very special poem written by Laura Jacobson, she has the website with Morgan's star.

Valentines...To Heaven
http://www.geocities.com/griefpoetry/valentinesday.html

You might have to cut and paste this into the address - it doesn't look like it's automatically going to link.

Sincerely, Lori

Sunday, January 13, 2002 at 04:22 PM (CST)

Hello again. Something I have to say first - the peace I felt over Christmas - a kind friend pointed out that it also could have been attributed to all of you praying for us. I guess I'm not sure what my beliefs are on the benefit of prayer right now but it certainly could have been WHY I felt so peaceful. So thank you! Even though I haven't got all my faith in prayer back yet, you all do and I'm thankful for that. Don't get me wrong, I have conversations but not a lot of prayer and certainly not with the thought that anything will come of it.
I went out last night. I saw a lot of friends I haven't seen in awhile. It was really hard. Like I've said before, the first time I see someone that I haven't seen since the funeral, I cry. I'm not sure why but I do. And last night there were 10-15 people I haven't seen for awhile. And! A relative that we don't see very much! But thankfully a dear friend was there to talk to me and let me cry on her shoulder. Just when I was going to sneak off to the bathroom to cry, she came up, blocked my way and helped me get through it. Some friends are truly Heaven sent! Thank you Morgan! And then I also got to see my brother and spend time with him. So it really turned out okay. Another first done! And so many said they were happy to see me. That said so much that they weren't saying. It said to me that they were concerned about me and wanted to see me happy, and wanted me to know that even though they don't know what to say - they are there. Maybe I'm putting a lot of words in their mouths but that is the feeling I got. It was really nice. I'm sure I worry too much but I'm afraid if people see me too happy they'll think I'm "over it". And that's just so far from the truth. I've seen SOOO many baby girls lately and all of them make me tear up. I turn away or get away before someone sees me. The special friends I have make it so much easier to go on.
I had to make a quick trip to the doctor's Thursday night because Taylor had broken out in a rash and I didn't know what it was. That was really traumatizing! I felt like I was back in March again when I was so worried about sweet Morgan and didn't know what was wrong with her. I'm sure every parent would admit that is a really yucky feeling!
Well, I guess I should end this now and figure out what we'll be eating for supper! Thank you for keeping up with us, praying for us, and remembering us. Sincerely, Lori

Thursday, December 27, 2001 at 08:17 PM (CST)

Well, how many of these do I start out with "well"!, Christmas has been much easier than I anticipated. Easier than Thanksgiving. I'm not COMPLETELY sure why but I have a feeling. I think this Christmas had so much more added stress on it. Not only were we surviving it missing our youngest daughter but a trip we'd planned at the last minute didn't work out, and family problems prevented much of our family from being together. I think Morgan was sent to stay with me. I know, I know, it must sound like I've lost my mind. But I haven't. If any athesists, or those lacking in faith need proof of our loving God, I think I am it. Not me myself, ugghh, I hate to even think of myself like that, but the strength that I have been given. The only time I cried was when I was at my precious girl's grave. I so wished I wasn't there at all! I love and miss her so much but somehow I've felt her with me. It's not as if she's gone - it's as if she's with me - inside me. It's a comfort that I'm just not that good at explaining. I can think of her but, right now, I don't get sad, I just long to be physically with her. I'm just thankful though. Thankful for this peace. I don't know if this is God's gift to me, to grieving mothers, but it is priceless. Through all of this, the peace is what means the most. The peace takes the edge off the pain. It doesn't seem so sharp. The thoughts that come to your mind and hurt so bad to think of times you WON'T be spending with your child - they don't come. Only happiness comes. Happy thoughts of Morgan's little will and her need to show her strength even at her little age. A time in her exersaucer comes to mind. We have it on tape. She is sitting there kind of playing and talking. She drops her pacifier. I pick it up and put it back on her tray. She starts playing again and very slyly picks her pacifier up and casually drops it on the floor again while doing something else! Such a little stinker! She thought it was so funny to drop it and see us retrieve it! We, Taylor and I, were so happy to be there though that we played. I think it ended shortly after that though because she'd had enough of the exersaucer and wanted Mommy to hold her again! My precious girl...I rely on her will. I believe in our bond - the mother child bond - and although I only was able to care for HER for a short time, I think SHE is now caring for me. I believe it is beautiful in heaven, so beautiful she feels no pain and is happy - but I also believe we still share a connection, as all mothers do, and she will always be with me and try to help me. So I am thankful she made Christmas so peaceful. It shouldn't have been, there surely were enough obstacles to make it one of the most depressing! So if it is God, Jesus, or Morgan - I am thanking them all. The support and love I have been sent is just unbelievable. It IS a miracle. I know the pain. It is so sharp at times that I wonder how I go on physically. Surely, the human body must show some effect of emotional pain. I think maybe I'll have a heart attack or something and nothing happens - the pain is just so sharp though. And I guess something COULD be happening that I have yet to find out. But this peace. How else can it just come? It is surely nothing I could do. If I could, I'd do it 90% of the time. I am very skeptical of things that are not logical - this I can't explain. It's not like I am a knowledgeable, highly studied person but I do know what makes sense. It is not this. So all I can say is that it is my angel, and my Lord watching over me. I just hope I am not the only grieving mom that received this peace. I know far too many...and to help another means so much. And as I say that I cannot go without being thankful for my Earth angels. One very special woman, and a very special helper, made sure I had a gift for the 12 business days before Christmas! What a way to look forward to coming to work! I do not even KNOW how to repay this woman - all that comes to mind is something someone else once told me - "Take this kindness and pass it along to someone else in need." And this woman is such an angel, a true angel, that that is all she wants. Her happiness comes in that she was able to help me, and I believe that she really feels that way - it is not an act - it is not something she feels she SHOULD do - it is pure and from the heart. I have been surrounded by people like this and I am so thankful for all I've been given. I now believe God knew the plan and tried to put as many people in my life that would help me through. I can't tell you how that makes me feel - definately unworthy. Well, I guess I'm getting pretty deep. Let's just end this by saying that I have been taken good care of this Christmas. And even though I didn't get what I wanted for Christmas(my sweet Morgan, as if I have to tell you), I got the next best thing - peace.
Those of you that remembered us - thank you.
Those of you grieving - I pray you found the same peace.
Those of our family that were not with us - you were missed and we love you - we hope you understand some day that right now, we need to take care of us.
Let us start a new year with renewed confidence and faith that although there will be trials - God will always be with us - even if we are skeptical!

Friday, December 14, 2001 at 09:09 PM (CST)

Well, the Christmas cards are out, the tree and decorations are up, I've only got a few people left to buy for. I just am not feeling the "Christmas Spirit". I'm afraid a lot of these journal entries will be on the depressing side now. I'm trying but I miss Morgan so much. Babies cry and I think of her, harried Mom's try to do some shopping while their baby is peaceful, and I think of myself and Morgan. It seems everywhere and everything remind me of Morgan. It's almost as if she's putting herself in the front of my mind - making me remember the times we shared - good and bad. At night when it's quiet and I'm the only one awake, I pray, I plead, to dream of her. And then I cry myself to sleep. I'm sooo sorry. I'm down and I'm sure it's so very depressing to come here and read this. I don't blame you if you stop reading now. I've always been honest with you though and I can't put on a front that I don't have. I'm tired of that. I love my earth daughter and I will never forget that I still have her. I love my husband and I will never forget I still have him. But this little angel I had for a few short months has taken a piece of my heart and right now I'm having a hard time finding comfort in the fact she is witness to the ultimate Christmas. I know she is playing and busy, very busy - and playing tricks on people. I have this strong feeling she is very mischievous(sp?)!
I so want to hear from you all - how do you get through hard times? What helps you get through?
Well, I guess I'll keep this short. Thank you for all your kind thoughts. They do help. Please enjoy your holidays and your loved ones.

Saturday, December 01, 2001 at 10:03 PM (CST)

Thanksgiving is over. As hard as I wish, I still don't wake up to June. I guess that would be too easy. Thanksgiving wasn't soo bad, I just found myself crying because I miss Morgan so much. The group hug I got from my husband and daughter filled me with energy though and helped me to go on. This tragedy has not only affected us but affects the rest of our family also. They struggle to find a way to help us. And some just can't deal with it at all.
You really see the people that care, they try no matter what.
When they don't know what to do they ask.
When they don't know what to say they tell you that.
I have found many of the people that help me the most, aren't necessarily family, or even friends, but people that care and do something they think is little to show that. To me it is big and it means so much. Even though I don't do so well at timely thanking these people I hope they know how much their acts of kindness are appreciated. There are truly a lot of people, I must admit more than I thought there were, that give of themselves and honestly do not expect something in return. I get so tired dealing with people that SEEM so nice but then require such a big payback for all they do. That's not giving at all but taking. And it's taken me a while to realize I have to stay away from these people. I try so hard to return their kindness but it's never enough. I can never do enough or do it right enough to make them happy. For too long I thought this was a fault of mine. Please be careful of people like this - they can really make you feel awful.
Christmas - well I'm trying to think of ways that I can remember Morgan and face the grief head on. A wonderful woman brought a star for the pine tree our neighborhood planted in memory of Morgan. I found a male and female cardinal that I also put on the tree. And I found some little baby angels that glow in the dark to also put on the tree. It should be special. I hope these things all hold up outside. We brought a pine swag to her grave on Thanksgiving. I have some fake poinsettia(sp?) to bring over. I like to decorate her grave for the holiday. I know she's not there but it's one more place I can go to think of her. That's funny. As if I need a place to think of her. I think of her a lot. I'm afraid this sounds so depressing. I don't walk around in a dazed sadness missing my life. I know how blessed I am to have my....other daughter, my husband, food, shelter, and all the other stuff we have. I go to work, smile and laugh occasionally. I wonder if I were to see myself and not know anything about me - would I see something different that would signal I'm a grieving person on the inside? I'm guessing not. People close to me have told me they see my sadness in my eyes. But to most I think I look like the average person. I'm blessed by a large number of people around me that help me keep going. And I'm blessed that at times, I am able to feel my sweet Morgan's spirit. It's a good feeling. So as bad as I may sound - I keep going. Thank you all. Those of you still checking are so very special. Please enjoy your holidays and give those you love an extra hug!

Wednesday, November 14, 2001 at 09:02 PM (CST)

I know normally....normally, that's kind of an odd word to use. I know usually I try to be positive - I'm not right now. I'm missing Morgan A LOT! All that runs through my head is all the things she'd be doing. How fun this holiday season WOULD HAVE been with her. And that just brings me back to now and how she isn't here. And how unfair it is. And how much it hurts, it hurts so much. And how I need, we need, our family to protect and support us but even they struggle to understand. It's hitting Steve and it's hitting Taylor. I thought Taylor would be spared the pain during the holidays, but even her dear heart is thinking of her sister and the things they SHOULD be doing. As if Morgan's passing is not enough, I have to watch Taylor in pain and try to help her through. And when every fiber of my being wants to shout out "IT'S NOT RIGHT! IT'S NOT FAIR! GIVE ME MY BABY BACK!", I have to remain calm and talk to Taylor about it. About how it's not right but sometimes things like that happen and we need to go on and believe in ourselves, and believe and TRUST in God. Inside, I'm arguing with every word I speak. Do I think Taylor doesn't know my conflict inside? I think she knows, but I also think she knows I love her and I, like her, am trying to find the way to go on. That's it. That's all we can do - try. We'd talked in our grief group about our culture not being real with it when it comes to death. In some cultures, the grieving family, the grieving mother, is given a year to mourn. A YEAR! I want to go there. There where people accept I have a least a year to make a fool of myself while learning to live with this pain. A year of being excused from not calling the right people and not PLANNING get togethers and NOT taking care of everyone else's feelings. That sounds so nice. So much more comforting. The average, for it's not NORMAL, in grief there is no normal, however you do it is right, well as long as you don't physically harm yourself or others. But the average length of time before I will start to feel like I'm coming out of this fog is 10 years, 10 YEARS! That sounds like a lot to me, but when I'm feeling like I do now I guess it's not so hard to believe. Hardest things right now: remembering March and the time in the hospital - it hurts so bad I can't think of it for more than 5 seconds, babies - I want Morgan back so bad, even though I know that's impossible. I feel like the holidays and March are coming and I'm facing them backing away and turning to run. I don't think March will just be March for a long time. I'm sorry my dearest Steve, your birthday now will be shrouded in this awful memory. I know I'm kind of rambling and I'm sorry for that. You that still check on us, thank you. You that leave guestbook entries, thank you. You don't know how much they help to bring me up. Just the fact that we aren't forgotten makes me feel better. It's like having the year to mourn - you are all acknowledging that and saying, "It's okay" And that's all you need to say. Thank you, thank you so much.
I must take this time to also thank my dear friend Jane. Many thought me insane to return to work so soon. But it provided a distraction, and I would not have gone if it weren't for Jane. Jane is like my sister. She doesn't know what to say, she doesn't know what to do - but everything she does is perfect. She listens to me, she lets me cry, she freely gives me hugs, and she always seems to find the funniest card to make me laugh. I can't help but think God was setting things up when he brought us together. Thank you Lord. I'm sure I would not be where I am if it weren't for Jane. Thank you for sending me such a dear, dear friend. Please protect her and let this be the closest to losing a child she ever comes. And to you Jane, thank you, thank you from my heart.

Tuesday, October 23, 2001 at 10:07 PM (CDT)

I am always amazed by the people still stopping at this site and leaving such thoughtful messages. Thank you.

Taylor and I have joined a grief support group. It is much harder than I thought it would be. It's hard to set aside a specific time when you concentrate on the loss of your child. I think it is very good for Taylor though. She's in an environment where she can talk about HER loss with other kids and play and not have it be so intense. Last week when we left we discussed what caused Morgan's death on our ride home. That conversation alone made me feel like it is really good for Taylor. For me it's hard to go and bring back all those feelings. I was reminded of the hospital and all the feelings we felt while Morgan was fighting to live...it was awful. You are the parent and yet there is nothing, NOTHING, you can do to help save your precious child. You can't leave their side but it's torture to sit there and watch them go. You keep thinking that things will turn around, that the doctors will walk in with the cure...and it doesn't happen. You leave the hospital empty handed but you also feel relief that it is over. The pain is almost unbearable. It's just not the way things are SUPPOSED to end. But the world goes on. You want it to stop and mourn with you, stop and realize what has been lost. But everything just keeps going. Every day after that you learn a little better to cope. The pain is still here - with me, with Steve, with Taylor, Grandma's, Grandpa's, Aunt, Uncle's, cousins and the many friends that Morgan's precious life touched. And I don't think any want that pain to ever go. I think it is getting harder because the holidays are coming up. Taylor just celebrated her birthday and all of us thought about Morgan and how she would have been getting into all the presents. How she wouldn't understand that those were for her sister. And it's hard. All the things that Morgan should be doing now, all the events she should be here sharing in. Yes, I know our sweet angel is here - but it's just not the same. She should be here physically - to kiss, and hold, and tickle!
I guess maybe I, maybe we, are starting on a down slope - something we will need to just ride out. We WILL be okay. We just dearly miss our precious baby, Morgan Tiffany Olin.

Things will never be "back to normal" for us, at least not the normal we knew before April 4, 2001 - for us that has changed. The writer of the following article has found that since Sept. 11th, that is something a lot of people are now experiencing.

LIFE WON'T GO BACK TO HOW IT WAS,
BUT WE'LL LEARN HOW TO LIVE IN NEW WORLD
By Leonard Pitts (leonardpitts@mindspring.com)

How are you doing with all this? Are you all right? If the answer is no, join the crowd. Medical experts are reporting terrorism-related increases in high blood pressure, heart ailments, chronic pain. We've become an anxious nation. People aren't flying. People aren't shopping. People aren't sleeping. People are buying gas masks. And through it all, our leaders - and our hearts - plead for us to just get back to normal. As if normal were a safe spot on the map, a fixed and physical place from which we were snatched, but, with sufficient determination, can return to again. I used to think that way. Yet as the days pile into weeks, I find myself convinced that there's something futile in that idea. As the TV news anchors began saying on Sept. 11, everything has changed. The world is different now.

To wander through America of the 1990's, to survey a nation where crime was down and the Internet making millionaires out of 17-year-olds, was to be seized - if you were historically literate - with an uncomfortable sense of parallel. A sense that you were living in days of prologue. Prologue to what, you couldn't say. Still, hadn't we seen this movie already? We had. Saw it twice in the last century. It's not that the gin-soaked 20's or the picket-fence 50's were ever as sweet and uncomplicated as memory makes them out to be. The one decade was filled with political corruption and gang warfare, the other with blacklists and Cold War paranoia. The point is that
each era was followed by another that taught us by comparison what trouble really was - turbulent years that brought global depression, genocide, war, assassination, social upheaval and the specter of revolution.

Now it has happened again. The 90's - the prologue - came to an end on Sept. 11. Once again, we wake up in a disorienting new era. And I wouldn't be surprised to learn that our response echoes that of our forebears when the same thing happened to them: A crying need to get back to normal. Meaning, back to where we were before. But Fleetwood Mac had it right. Yesterday's gone. We will never again be without Sept. 11. The only thing we can do now is learn to be with it. Thankfully, human beings are gifted with an extraordinary capacity for that. Somehow, we always adapt, always find a way to flourish in whatever wedge of space is left by circumstance. Consider London during the Blitz. Night after night, wave after wave of German planes dropping bomb after bomb on civilian targets. You left for work in the morning not knowing if the office had survived the night.

You slept in underground subway stations, bedding down on the tracks. Your lived in fear, but you lived. In Peter Jennings and Todd Brewster's book, "The Century" a woman named Sheila Black tells a story from that time. She once came across two women gazing at a bombing victim whose mutilated corpse was in a tree. The dead woman was a bottle blond, prompting one of the observers to turn to the other and say "My goodness, her roots needed doing, didn't they?" Here and now, it sounds callous. There and then, it was what passed for normal. The lesson, then, is that normal is not a fixed position in a world of peace. Rather, it is weeping, courage, fear, sex, love,
laughter - life - going stubbornly on in a world of whatever.

Tuesday, September 25, 2001 at 08:04 PM (CDT)

Friday, August 31, 2001 at 09:38 AM (CDT)

I need to stop apologizing for not updating this more - but I feel bad. So many of you are giving us support, please know that it is greatly appreciated even if I don't update as much.
We are doing okay. I feel like I am doing really well - that is until I see a little girl about a year old or have to talk to someone about her. But the crying isn't bad to me - it's like other bereaved mothers have said, it's not bad to cry when we are asked about our precious angels - it just makes us so happy that people have not forgotten them. I think a lot of friends, probably even family are afraid to talk about Morgan. That's okay, after living with this every day, the last thing I want to do is to make someone uncomfortable. I am thankful for the dear friends I have that talk with me about Morgan, and laugh with me about Morgan. From the time Morgan was born she always held her hands together like she was praying - now I think maybe she was trying to make a deal with God to stay "just a little longer"! The nurses were surprised she made it as long as she did - they said she probably should have just drifted away in her sleep. I am thankful that it didn't happen that way - I always slept with my ear to her baby monitor - it would have been awful to feel like maybe I'd missed hearing something. But I had been talking about laughing. I used to give Morgan a bath in the sink. She liked to sit in there and kick her little legs so the water splashed over the edges! It was funny and cute! And right before she went into the hospital she'd started this thing when she was in her swing. She'd throw herself back against the back of it while it was swinging so the swing would kind of go crazy. I'd smile at her and tell her to stop it and she'd just laugh at me and keep doing it! She definately has a defiant, mischevious side! I imagine God's got a few angels like that though!
I had a dream about Morgan. I dreamt that the picture for her headstone had come in. But it wasn't the picture I had ordered. It was her but it was her like she would have been at one year old! And she didn't say anything to me or move. There were actually two pictures; one of just her head and face and one where she was standing up, and it was a sideways view with her face turned looking at me. She was in a little white cotton dress with lace and she was smiling at me. It wasn't JUST a smile though - it was more like it was that mischevious smile and she was telling me that she's okay. Wow! I guess until I wrote it down it had never really gotten through to me. But this is what I've been waiting to know! It was if she would have said, "Don't be silly Mommy, I'm okay!" And I know I was sad at her birthday wondering what she would look like! I am often so....amazed isn't really the word...blown away maybe, by the obvious ways that Morgan lives on and lets us know that. And how God is trying so hard to help us through. Believing in God is one thing - I feel like my faith has been tested and I'm really in a different place now. I don't just believe in God - I KNOW he's there and I KNOW how much he loves me. I'm not going to preach this to anyone but for a parent that has lost a child - very young or very old - the only thing that really helps you go on is believing that your child is not just gone. How awful that would be. To know that they still live on gives us, gives me, the strength to go on. I feel that there is still more to come out of this - more purpose for Morgan's passing. I'm excited to find out what that is but I'm also scared. I feel like I will be venturing into areas where I have no knowledge or background. But I also trust that God, Morgan, Jesus, and all the precious angels will be by my side to help and guide me. It's my task to believe in that and trust that no matter what happens, it will be okay. I'm sorry if that sounds like I am preaching - I'm not trying to and I'm not.....I don't know I'm just not losing it. Like I told Steve, if I have to go through this, if I had to lose my baby, there's going to be more out of it than just this! I do have a little idea of what may be to come. A friend of ours, not one that has ever been really close or that I've ever spent time alone with has contacted me. She is "being driven" to do more than send a card. She is doing most of the work to set up an annual fund-raiser to raise money for the research of ARDS. She has so much energy and drive - I'm thankful for her. She will help Morgan's memory live on and we will possibly help stop this happening from another family and another sweet baby. I don't know how it will go, or how big it will be but I believe that however it goes it will be okay.
I hope you all do not think I've really lost it. I haven't. But I am changing. I pray that any bereaved parent reading this can look at her/his life and the things that have happened and find the ways that God has never abandoned her/him. One of the things that stuck out to me when I was really down and didn't really think I could go on was something out of the book, When Bad Things Happen to Good People. The author talked about the tragedy of losing someone we love and then that causes another tragedy and causes someone to turn away from God. That's when I decided that that was not going to happen! Morgan would not be a martyr(sp?) for Satan! That would make losing her so much worse. I'm not sure if that all makes sense but the gist of it is: Believe. God, and your dear child are with you - if you want or need their help - ask and they will do all they can to help you.

Tuesday, August 07, 2001 at 09:34 PM (CDT)

Wow! I can't believe all the guestbook entries! You go along thinking your friends and family are there supporting you but even not many of them go out and leave guestbook entries anymore. And then all these kind people are leaving us such nice, caring messages. It is such a good feeling. Thank you.
Yesterday was beautiful and peaceful. It WAS 95+ outside but the feeling at Morgan's party was so wonderful. We started out by our pastor reading some passages and saying a prayer. I read some poems Laura, Heavenly Lights website author, found. Nobody seemed to mind much I wasn't getting through them without crying. There were a lot of kids there too - only two girls - our Taylor and another little girl, Julia. And none of the kids groaned or made noise - they were all so wonderful and seemed soooo patient on such a hot, sweltering day! And my mom read a poem too. Then we blew bubbles up to Morgan. We had all been drinking juice and water so we had some cupcakes with that. Then we stood around Morgan's grave and sang her happy birthday - that was really hard but I know her sweet little face was smiling hearing it. And we had brought 12 balloons - one for each month - each kid got a balloon and they all let them go at the same time. The clerk had said we couldn't leave them in the car because they'd pop in the heat - so I thought maybe we'd loose some. But we didn't - they went up so high! I'm sure our little angel got them! And people brought beautiful cards and flowers. I just can't explain the beauty and peace. I know Morgan was with us - there's just no other way I could have done that. Getting ready kept me busy in the morning - although I thought I might start crying when I was standing in line at the grocery store looking at the cupcakes, flowers, and balloons. I guess I got sad that I would not be able to SEE her smush that cupcake all over her face! But, it's done. And it went so well. And then to come out here today and find SOOO many wonderful people leaving messages - either Morgan is pushing you to write, or you all have some angel in you. Thank you so very much.

Oh, and my sign that Morgan is okay. I'm not sure where I'm at with that. Something has lead me to believe that that may not come as a sign at all but a feeling of peace. And that would be okay - I just want to believe that she is really okay. I guess I shouldn't be so demanding - an angel DID visit my mother-in-law. There's just no other way to explain her special visit. And she DID say that Morgan is happy and content. Well, maybe I'll just have to think about that more. In any case, I'm confident that God, Jesus, our sweet Morgan, and all the angels - will help me, and help us. They already have!

Again, I can't say this enough, THANK YOU! Your kind words and thoughts mean so much - it just means so much to know so many care.

Wednesday, August 01, 2001 at 08:48 PM (CDT)

I know it has been a long time since I have written. I'm sorry. I appreciate so much those of you who are still checking on us.
I have been struggling to believe that Morgan lives on and is in a better place. I "kind of" believe it but I need to know she is okay and happy. And most of all I need to know that it's not just over, she's not just gone. I've felt that sometime I would get that assurance and today I think some of that started. See Mom Olin was visited today at work by a slim blonde woman. She asked for Marion and when told she was on break she disappeared into the store. When Marion was coming back from break this woman asked her if she was Morgan's grandma. Marion said yes and they began to talk. Marion doesn't quite remember where she said she was from, she thought it was something like Media. This woman, angel, told Marion that Morgan is happy and content. She also told Marion that Morgan loves her very much, this is important for Marion to know. Everytime Marion would visit she could never hold Morgan for long because Morgan would start crying - preferring to always be with her Mommy. I'll admit I didn't mind - I was selfish about her! The woman then went on to say that Morgan would like us to celebrate her birthday and not be sad. There was something more that was said, kind of a prediction of happiness, but I need to keep that - I will share it in awhile. And then she left. Marion didn't think much of it, thinking I'd sent her. But I didn't, at least my intention was not to send her to Grandma! I've been praying to God and Morgan to please let me know that she is okay - I need something from her to know that. I know it seems like a lot but I don't have much to lose. I think any mother would agree if you can't have your angel child WITH you - you at least want to be assured that they are happy and at peace. Anyway, I do not believe I know a woman like that - certainly not anyone that would just walk up and say those things. And Marion doesn't recall seeing her in the hospital. And if at any time she mentioned that she worked at Rainbow she has not said which one. And the one she is at is NOT the closest one to her house. If it was an angel or simply a well meaning friend - the action was that of an angel. We will draw comfort in believing that Grandma talked to an angel. Now, I will just hope and pray that my turn comes. And if it doesn't I will try to believe what that angel said and trust that OUR angel is happy and content. To just "trust" that heaven and God is there is such a hard thing when it comes down to it. Inside I believe in God, and I guess by default I'd have to believe in Heaven. It is so much easier to go on though if I can find some kind of "proof". Please don't think me crazy - I know it won't come as a booming voice from the sky.
Anyway! I've been struggling to decide what we will do on Monday, August 6th. This would be Morgan's first birthday. I have now decided I will be at her grave at 2:30pm, she was born at 2:43pm. Taylor and I, and whoever else decides to join us - all are welcome, will pray, sing happy birthday and then do something special. And yes my dear Morgan, we will try to do this with happiness in mind. So! If you would like to join us please do - if you are unable please send a prayer up to our angel at 2:43pm. Thank you all so very much!

I can't leave without mentioning this. I was challenged last week when I found out a friend at work found out her 4 week old baby Dean has a heart defect. His aorta narrows and he has VSD. (I'm not sure but I think it has something to do with a hole in his heart that they will watch hoping that it will heal itself.) She has talked to all the same doctors we did. And, being a mom and being my friend she is terrified. I know I have to go back to the hospital some time. So I told her I would be there with her during his surgery. His surgery was yesterday. It went okay, the section that was narrow was longer than they thought but it has been taken out and all sewn up. They will watch to see if the narrowing reoccurs. It was VERY hard - the first nurse I saw was our dear Annabel. She gave me a big hug. I'd asked Morgan, God, and Jesus to help me get through. And they did. Everytime my mind tried to think about Dean and then think about Morgan it would stop and it's like a wall was put up that kept the two completely separate. I cried walking into the PICU and I cried talking to nurses we'd known. But I think the most difficult part was seeing that baby laying there like Morgan had. And he was in the room right next to where she had been! I just kept thinking how much I wished I could turn back time and make the ending different. Us grieving mothers don't let reality stop us! But I made it, Dean made it, and Michelle (Dean's momma), will be okay once she leaves that place with that precious boy alive and well in her arms. One more first over!

Again, thank you to all of you still sending caring thoughts, still thinking of us, and still praying for us and our angel. You will never know how much strength you have given us!

Sunday, June 24, 2001 at 11:14 AM (CDT)

I have had a very good friend that Sue found for me shortly after Morgan died. Her name is Liz. Her little angel, Caroline, died when she was 10 mos. old earlier this year. There is a link to her website at the bottom of this page. It helps to think Morgan and Caroline are together watching over us. The following story was in a newsletter I get and it comforts me to think of Morgan and Caroline this way.

Angel Friends

A beautiful little angel showed up to Heaven's gates,
confused and unknowing the plan that for her awaits.
Then another little angel walked up and took her hand,
And said, "Please don't be sad you left, you're in the Promised Land."
"I'm glad to be here but I do not think I was to go,
Perhaps there was a mistake, for my mommy wanted me so!"
The little greeting angel gave a sweet smile and said,
"My mommy wanted me too, but to Heaven I was led.
You see, we do not get to choose when on Earth it's time to go.
He gave us life, love and joy and a mother's womb to grow.
The Lord still needs new angels to guide them down on earth.
To watch over, comfort them, and help them see their worth."
"Is there still a way that I can sleep in my mommy's bed?"
The greeting angel grinned and said, "That luxury you will keep.
I visit my mommy nightly and softly sing her to sleep."
The little angel replied, "Then I think I'll like it here.
I'll visit my mommy nightly and weaken her pain and fears.
I love her and will keep her safe at night and in between,
And let her know with a sweet memory that she is still with me."
The greeting angel gave the new friend a big hug and said,
"Until our mommy's meet us here, let's be best angel friends."
"Okay," said the new angel, "that sounds good to me."
Then the angels sat and played keeping their mommy's in sight,
Humming the tune to the song they would sing to their mommies tonight.

Anonymous

Tuesday, June 12, 2001 at 08:54 PM (CDT)

The past week was really rough. We all were having a hard time. It's still hard to believe Morgan is gone. I was talking to another grieving mother, you find yourself "looking" for your lost angel as if you could "find" them and everything would be okay. There are so many things your mind does but your heart does not. And at least you pray to dream of your angel at night and then you wake up in the morning and can't remember WHAT you dreamed! I've learned a lot about the body's self preservation system. I still am longing for some sign that Morgan is okay. With all the stormy weather and rain my heart tells me that our little angel is sad and missing us and very unhappy. Again, my mind knows she is probably in a much better place - but my heart wants proof. And the death of Timothy McVeigh made me think. Why him? Why did my baby die but he got to live and carry out his awful wickedness? I'm quite certain Morgan would NEVER have done something like that! And still I have mixed feelings if putting him to death was the right answer. It certainly is not going to fill that hole in those parents hearts who lost a child - young or old. I've determined it doesn't matter how old the child - if the child dies before the parents it's a very hard thing to deal with and disrupts the natural order of things. It's like losing a limb. Your spouse has your heart and your children make up some of the rest of you. Nothing can fix it and nothing can make it better - it's something you learn to live with. So I know many people ask me if I'm "okay". Hmmmm....well, no. My angel is no longer with me but the world has not stopped moving and life MUST go on. Taylor certainly cannot be cheated out of loving, caring, happy parents. And it is extremely draining being sad and angry all the time. That doesn't mean it's easy to be happy. You are always wondering if people are questioning your love for your lost child. How can she be happy after what she is going through? Maybe they don't say that - at least not your true friends. It's still hard. As if I've ever said or any of you EVER thought this was easy! I still am so grateful for all the kind thoughts. They do help!
Recently, while storming, we had a funnel cloud over our house, I didn't find that out until later. I was outside yelling up to the sky, you know Morgan hears me better that way, "Morgan, I love you". I'm pretty
sure she heard. We had some strong wind for a few minutes but nothing else.
Well, I wish all you fathers Happy Father's day - we will be helping our daddy through!

Sunday, June 03, 2001 at 09:19 PM (CDT)

I'm grateful for those of you that are still checking on us and praying for us. I am learning to live without our little angel. She is still with us in her pictures and the memories we have but it is not the same. The pain just stays, I'm glad it does, if it didn't it would feel like Morgan didn't mean very much. She meant so much to us and we miss her so much. It's still hard for me to be okay that she had to go. Another mother that was touched by Morgan sent me a book. Embraced by the Light - by Betty Eadie I think. It was a very beautiful book. If things really are how she saw them our little one is truly in a much better place. It doesn't make it any easier though. I guess it is my selfishness that still wants her here with me, with us. We are very lucky to have Taylor and to have all that we have but I will never be okay with not having our Morgan. I am so grateful for all that but I still want her back. I guess I'm a little down tonight. It seems there are soooo many baby girls her age.
I'm trying to do something to honor her life and remind everyone of the precious girl she is. (I know I refer to her in the present - it doesn't FEEL right to refer to her in the past.) Luckily, a dear friend - not so close before - is eager to help me find an activity that we can all do to help other children in memory of Morgan. I think that will help anniversaries go a little faster.
Anyway, I hope you are all doing well and are giving each other extra hugs!

Tuesday, May 22, 2001 at 08:09 PM (CDT)

Well it has been awhile again. I'm so happy some of you are still checking in here. It's good to know we are not forgotten. It's getting a little easier or I am getting better at acting. It still hurts really bad. No matter how many times I think about it or how wonderful I tell myself heaven is, I still cannot be okay with Morgan not being here. My arms long to hold her. I want to kiss her until she gives me that little whine to tell me she's had enough kisses. I, WE, miss her so much.
Taylor seems to be realizing Morgan is not coming back. I can see the hurt in her heart too. She cries when different things remind her of Morgan. I love her so much I wish I could take her pain away.
And Steve, Steve is being the strong one trying to keep busy and be there for us. I have asked him to start so many projects and he is trying his hardest to accomplish all of them. He does take time to talk to me though. He is a wonderful man and I am so lucky he is my partner. I pray we will continue to support each other through this awful time.
We got the results of the autopsy back today. There were no other findings that would have explained why Morgan developed ARDS(Adult Respiratory Distress Syndrome). The question was asked though, if they had been able to keep supporting her would her lungs have healed and possibly recovered. The answer was no. Her lungs were too badly scarred. I guess that says we made the right decision not putting her through Echmo. That helps. It still makes me so mad that there is no reason, no sense for this to happen to her. Our sweet little angel. I look back over pictures and here and there can see signs that don't look quite right. Then I think I should have known, I should have got her in sooner. I think all parents of a lost child continually do this - no matter how unreasonable it may be. We can be thankful we know where our sweet angel is. How awful it would be....I dread to even say it. But to not know where your child was. I would still give all my material things to have her back. I've tried to think of what would make it easier for me. Would it make it easier to have an angel talk to me and tell me how wonderful she was and that she was being well taken care of? Maybe. I think these are things I can pray for. Peace. The strength to some how see that she really is okay and happy not just gone. It's hard to believe in anything anymore when something that is not supposed to happen has happened. But you just can't go on believing in NOTHING either. It's a very awful feeling. I can tell some of you are feeling it with me. Some of my friends seem to know my pain even though they are not going through it. I'm sorry that you have to feel this and I pray this is as close as it will ever get to you.
I guess for not knowing what to say I've rambled on for quite a while. Please take time to hug those kids and go to the park and PLAY don't just sit there. I'm coming to be thankful for the short time we did have with Morgan. She is a very special angel and I am looking forward to the day when I will see her again.
Please have a safe and happy Memorial Day weekend. And again, thank you for keeping touch and continuing to give your support.

Wednesday, May 09, 2001 at 05:43 AM (CDT)

Hello. Again I am stuck as I think of something to write. Monday was hard and yesterday got even harder. It hit me again how unfair this is and how much we miss Morgan. It just hurts so very bad. And I discovered in talking to my mom that I'm really lost with my faith. Morgan's death has shaken the foundation of everything I believe in. How could God NOT have helped her? I guess maybe I will have to seek some help with that one. I'm not real hopeful that anyone will have any answers but maybe they will be able to help me get my faith back.
We haven't heard anything back from Dr.Shaeffer yet. I'm working on getting her headstone now. Having her star on Heavenly Lights is really nice. I want people to know about her and know what a precious little girl she is.
Taylor is doing okay. She talks to God daily and asks him to take care of Morgan. It's hard but we talk about death and how someday we will see Morgan again. She would like that to be sooner so I find the right words to explain to her how important it is for her to live her life. It makes me so mad she has to grapple with this. She really keeps us going, she is such a sweet, sweet girl.
I guess I'd better get going. Thanks again for all your support. It really DOES help. I read in one of my books that people sometimes pull away when others have suffered such a tragic loss because they feel awkward and don't know what to do or say. You all have not done that. You have SAID that you don't know what to say or do but you have remained by us. Thank you so very much.

Tuesday, May 01, 2001 at 04:20 PM (CDT)

Well I got thru the visit with Morgan's pediatrician. It went well. It seems odd that I say that but it made me feel better. He confirmed that everything she had come in for had seemed like RSV. RSV may or may not have shown up on an X-ray. But doing an X-ray for a child or baby that you think may have RSV is not normal. With the bad winter and all the sickness that was going around, that's what we all thought Morgan had. She didn't seem like she had pneumonia so there was no reason to do an X-ray for that either. More or less he told me that he and the other doctors had gone over Morgan's case and talked about the "what if's" and really didn't feel that they had blatantly missed anything. I didn't feel that from the start either. This is something bad that has happened that there is no reason for and we probably will never get a VALID reason for. I do not believe that GOD did this on purpose. Lesson one, don't tell grieving parents there "was a reason for this". The God I believe in is loving and would not do this to us on purpose. I do believe some things are out of God's hands. Believing that is the only way I can move on and still believe in God. I believe he was crying WITH me and from past experience knows our pain. And I also believe he is taking very good care of our little angel and all the other little angels that have left this world.
I will stop with the religion lesson. But one more thing. I think as I'm driving, or wandering through the grocery store can these people see my pain? Will they give me a break if I do something wrong? I know you all don't see ME but there are others dealing with their own pain and if we could just be a bit more forgiving and NOT get so upset so quick. I'm sorry I'm so preachy. I'm feeling pretty strong today. I'm very leary of Friday though. It will be one month. It's hard to believe that's all it's been, it feels like much longer than that.
I have another website for you. It is called www.heavenlylights.homestead.com. This is a memorial for children/babies that have died. Morgan will have a star put out there for her tonight. (She is on page 4 - there is a link to it at the bottom of this page.)
Again, I want to thank all of you that continue to offer your support. After all the services it is nice to know you all are still there. Thank you so much. I am STILL working on the thank you cards so don't give up on me yet!

Tuesday, April 24, 2001 at 08:06 AM (CDT)

Well I know it has been a while since I updated. I've thought about it. I just don't know what to write. I am doing better. Sundays are hard. I have a very good friend, one of many, named Liz. She lost her little angel March 1st. Her angel is Caroline and she is 10 months old. Awful as it is to know that other people have had to go through this, it makes it easier to talk to someone that has.
Auntie Sue gets a BIG special thank you. She has done so much for us, bringing us food in the hospital, bringing positive thoughts, all the Energizer bunny stuff, and just being there. She has now even made a temporary head stone for Morgan. It is so beautiful. I think it's important to me now that people know about her and don't forget her. It's like one of the books I've read says, "the world keeps going no matter what". But I want our little angel to be remembered.
We have been lucky (it stings everytime I say that) to have such good friends and family. Thank you all so much. You really ARE helping us get through this. I have updated the pictures because I wanted happier pictures out there.
We haven't heard any more from Dr. Shaeffer. I will be meeting with Dr.Baker, her pediatrician, next Tuesday. I'm not looking to accuse him of any wrong doing, I'm really hoping he will have a good explanation for WHY an X-ray was not done sooner. I'm not sure I'm ready to talk about yet though so I'll have to see if I keep the appt.
Thanks again for your continued support! I will update this if I get any other news.

Friday, April 20, 2001 at 11:07 AM (CDT)

I wanted to update to let you all know of a book I have found. It is called Empty Arms by Sherokee Ilse. It is very short and seems to do a good job explaining what we are going through. It also has a section for family and friends. Check it out if you like.
The last two days have been better. I'm trying to stay busy and that darn Taylor just refuses to let me be sad! She is SUCH an angel and I am SOOO thankful we have her.

Tuesday, April 17, 2001 at 01:21 PM (CDT)

I got hung up this morning on the autopsy and what preliminary results they'd found. I called and left a message for Dr.Shaeffer to call me and thought I'd update all of you on what she said. First, I apologized for bothering her and she told me not to worry about that at all, she was going to call us. She talked with the pathologist, must be the guy that does the autopsy, last week. He said they have not found any surprises. She said sometimes ARDS is brought on by a virile infection and there are signs that will tell them that is what brought it on. He has not found evidence of those signs. So they have not found anything yet. I thought that would make me feel better because it would not change the ending, it would mean they DID do everything they possibly could and DIDN'T miss anything. But I am still having a hard time with it. I miss her so much. Dr.Shaeffer also apologized. She said she didn't find out about the services until it was too late and had she known she would have come. I asked her about if being on the oscillator and not getting BD's, not moving, and not getting suctioned as much contributed to what happened and she said no. She also said they had a conference last week with all the surgeons and doctors and Dr.Ken Maslonka(a PICU doctor) was there. They discussed Morgan's case and discussed if they covered everything and if there was anything else they could have done. She said they did not come up with anything. She has mixed feelings on the autopsy. She would rather FIND something so they can prevent this from happening in the future. She was VERY nice and told me to call her any time. She said practically she doesn't feel we need to have Taylor checked out. But if we want she would be more than happy to do so, she told me to just call her directly. And she told me she wanted me to know that she felt I did everything I could. She said she feels the results would have been the same even if this had been caught when Morgan was four months old. I don't know if I agree with that but I appreciate her saying that. Overall she was really, really nice. I don't feel a whole lot better but I guess I got some questions off my mind for now.
I just got pictures back and a couple caught Morgan with her eyes open. It's really hard looking at them, I've pretty much been crying most of the morning. It's good I can hide back here in my cube, and good I have such a good friend, Jane, here to hug me.

Monday, April 16, 2001 at 05:20 PM (CDT)

Easter Sunday just wasn't quite the same. Taylor and I went to church in the morning and it was all I could do to hold in the tears. It seemed like there were babies everywhere! The organ music seemed really depressing. But the people were all so happy and joyful, I just wanted to scream! How can they be so happy when our baby is gone? How can we all be worshipping a god that would take her? For a brief few seconds when the pastor was talking about Jesus rising so that the rest of us may have eternal life I felt a little peace thinking that she was with him. But that only lasted for a few seconds. I am so selfish, I want her back with me!
We have not heard anything yet from the hospital. But we still continue to hear so much from all of you. Again, thank you so much. I may be her mom but our angel's passing seems to be hurting all of you also. Thank you so much for all you do.

Thursday, April 12, 2001 at 09:03 PM (CDT)

Well, I'll start out by saying this for the hundreth time. This is REALLY hard. I went back to work Wednesday thinking it would be easier than being here at home with all of Morgan's stuff still around, I can't bear to put it away yet. But it wasn't easier. I started crying as soon as I got to my desk. Somehow it all came slamming home how final it was. And it really, really hurts. When we were in the hospital it felt like time was standing still for us. So many others came and went in a matter of days. But now it seems like our little one was taken away from us so quickly. Some people tell us there is a reason for this, but I boldly tell them there is no reason that will EVER make this okay for us. Luckily Steve's pastor, Rob, told us in the sermon for the funeral that God could handle us being mad at him. That's good because we are really mad. I feel like I'm complaining. We do still have our beautiful Taylor. And we are very thankful for that. We ARE taking it day by day though. And we are very lucky that we have such wonderful friends and family willing to listen. Thank you. Even though you don't know what to say just listening helps. And all the hugs I've gotten in the past week have helped too. Somehow, they give me more strength. So we will keep going and I will keep thanking all of you for the wonderful support you are giving.
I did get our copy of Morgan's medical records from her pediatrician. She was in 8 or 9 times since the end of December. Each time she was reported as wheezing and yet they never did an X-ray. I'm not sure how far we will pursue that but it does bug me.
Again, thank you for the cards, guestbook entries, calls, hugs, and other things you are all doing to let us know you are there. I will eventually get around to getting individual thank you's out but I want to take my time and give it the attention and time that each thank you deserves. So for now, you will just get your thank you's here.

Tuesday, April 10, 2001 at 02:07 PM (CDT)

I thought I would write to thank you all. We have been so overwhelmed by all the support of our family and friends AND people that don't even know us but have read Morgan's story. I don't think we will ever be able to make you all understand how much you have and are still helping us all get through this. This certainly is awful. Steve and I both cannot believe how fast everything happened. I know our sweet, little girl is gone but somehow I keep thinking I will wake up and this horrible nightmare will be over. Taylor is doing well, she has moments of sadness. Most of all she is the one keeping us smiling!
The services Sunday and Monday went well. Again, our friends and family were all there to support us. We just can't tell you how much that means to us. Even though there is nothing that can be said to make this all better - knowing you are all there for us, no matter what we need, is a good feeling.
We did agree to an autopsy so maybe we can find out WHY Morgan's lungs were so sick. When we are updated on that information I will post it here. They said it could be two or three months before they are all done. I believe they kept her heart, lungs, and kidneys, maybe her liver too since it was so enlarged. Anyway, when we find something out I will update this.
I feel like I keep saying thank you but all your cards, guestbook entries, and your presence at the services REALLY help us. Our little Morgan has brought a lot of people together and although she has left us I can only hope these wonderful relationships remain.

Thursday, April 05, 2001 at 03:27 PM (CDT)

We will have visitation at Henry W. Anderson Mortuary Sunday, April 8th, from 2:00pm to 4:00pm.
The address is 3640 23rd Avenue South, Minneapolis. The phone is (612) 729-2331.

The funeral service will be Monday at 1:00pm at Lebanon Lutheran Church, viewing a half hour before the service. The address is 2014 East 36th Street, Minneapolis. We will have coffee and snacks in the church basement following the service.

The burial will be at 4:00pm following the service on Monday in East Christiania Cemetary in Lakeville. Those wishing to come may.

We appreciate all your wishes and thoughts, your encouragement and support has meant a lot. Memorials preferred in lieu of flowers. Please contact Gregg with Sieco Construction at (612) 721-4457 with any questions on memorials. A memorial fund has been established at:
Western Bank
Morgan Tiffany Olin Memorial Fund
3033 University Avenue South East
Minneapolis, MN 55414

We are overwhelmed by the response we have gotten from the website and all the people that want to help any way they can. Thank you.

Thursday, April 05, 2001 at 12:45 AM (CDT)

Wednesday, April 4th, 2001 at approximately 11:45pm Morgan passed on. She was cuddled in her Momma's arms with her Daddy close by holding her hand. We will update with funeral details when we know them.

Wednesday, April 04, 2001 at 09:50 AM (CDT)

Morgan was given only a 10-15% survival rate if we put her on Echmo. We decided we cannot put her through that. She has come off the oscillator and is in my arms constantly. She is still on the ventilator at 100% oxygen. Her sats are slowly dropping. Her little hands and feet get blue. Her big heart just keeps pumping and refuses to give up. This is so hard to say good bye to our baby. I keep thinking a miracle will happen and it doesn't. I will, or will have someone update once she passes. We will post all the times for a funeral too.

Tuesday, April 03, 2001 at 10:15 AM (CDT)

We had a conference with Dr.Schaeffer and one of the intensive care doctors. Morgan's sats have continued to drop. Her oxygen is 102%. She appears to be going downhill. They are looking into if it would buy anything to put her on Echmo, that would oxyginate her blood and pump her heart for her. She probably would not be able to get a lung transplant but they are looking into that also. They have prepared us by saying they think her sats will continue to drop and her heart will stop. They are going to put her on the other ventilator so I can hold her.

Monday, April 02, 2001 at 11:49 AM (CDT)

Morgan had a quiet night, no more pneumos. They flipped her around though to give her little left ear a break. Not many changes today. They are going up on her feedings a little - from 20cc to 22cc an hour. They shut off the neurcuron for an hour to check her neurologically and seemed satisfied with the little bit of wiggling that she did. Her sats are in the 80's today so they are going to do an X-ray in a few minutes to make sure there are no more pneumos or air that isn't making it to the chest tube. I will write more later.

Sunday, April 01, 2001 at 09:21 PM (CDT)

Morgan was having a nice, quiet day until about 4:00pm. This is when she had another pneumo thorax. This time it was in her right side again. I don't know if her little body is just too weak. I'm going to try to talk to Dr.Overman tomorrow to get his feeling on what is going on.
Will write more tomorrow.

Sunday, April 01, 2001 at 06:48 AM (CDT)

Morgan had a quiet, uneventful night. They were able to start Nipride(heart medicine) up again yesterday. The nurse, Jane, said this was a good thing. This will help her heart. She did go into a little arythmia(sp?) yesterday around 2:00pm when they tried to turn her so her right side was up. Normally she does really well this way and she hasn't had any arythmia for a while now. So that was really kind of scary. But her heart is really sensitive to her level of potassium, and her potassium was really high when that happened. High potassium can cause arythmia. The drug Lasix that they give her to keep her urinating makes her potassium low. But with all the other drugs she is on, they also affect her potassium so it is really hard to find a balance where her potassium is good all the time.
Her chest tube from her pneumo is still bubbling. I never saw the last one bubble but this one I can tell there is still air coming out of her chest. Even with that though her sats are in the 90's and her oxygen is down to 80%. That's good. I'm scared to get too excited though because every time I think it can't get much worse it does. She is our little fighter though and I will keep cheering her on.
I have to say again how wonderful all your support is. As hard as this is your guestbook entries make me cry but they also make myself and Steve feel good knowing there are so many sharing this with us and praying for us. Our immediate family has just been irreplaceable. They have all made many trips down to the hospital to sit with us and do what they can to help. Thank you. We will just keep praying that Miss Morgan keeps getting better.

Saturday, March 31, 2001 at 10:20 AM (CST)

Morgan had a pneumo thorax this morning. That is where one of the sacs in her lung burst. This one was in her left lung and they have put another chest tube in her to drain the air. Besides that there hasn't been much change. She is still on the oscillator.
Not much more to say. I saw that cardinal outside her window again this morning. I will write more later.

Friday, March 30, 2001 at 04:57 PM (CST)

As you may have read we had bad news this morning that Morgan has a rare fungus growing in her left lung. The infectious disease doctor, Dr.Belani, came in and told us that is actually a form of a yeast infection. Not really rare, just not often seen in cardiac patients. It could still prove to be resistant to treatment but she felt they would be able to treat it. So that comes as a little bit of good news. The fungus or yeast infection is not something that shows up on the X-ray, the only way they can tell if she has, or does not have, it is by taking a culture of the tube that she is breathing through. The culture that first grew this fungus was taken on March 14th. Additional cultures have been taken on the 16th, 21st, and the 27th, there may be some more in between the 21st and the 27th but I'm not sure. So we wait. The doctors say we will not see an immediate improvement, it could take days. If we do see an improvement they will be able to come down on her oxygen, she is at 100% right now, and will be able to come down on the pressure it takes to get air into her lungs. We can watch the oxygen but I will have to find out where we check out the pressure setting.
She is responding well to the oscillator, (I loaded new photos so you can see what it looks like). Her sats are now back in the 90's and they will try to start weaning the oxygen again. Her blood pressure is good so they are also lowering her Dopamine(heart medicine). Her feedings are going okay. Dr. Overman said her liver was enlarged but he didn't seem overly concerned about it.
So we wait. A pastor sent by my Uncle Ernie came in shortly after we'd received alll this and I was here by myself. He said a wonderful prayer over her and asked God to send a sign. There is a tree outside Morgan's window at the hospital and usually all we see in it is sparrows. But today we saw a cardinal, only for a few seconds and then it flew away. So maybe that was our sign that things will go better. I'm kind of losing faith but maybe he IS with us.

Friday, March 30, 2001 at 10:43 AM (CST)

We got bad news this morning. A culture taken from her left lung before she went into surgery has grown into a rare fungus. Dr. Overman has not heard of this fungus before and said that it has a high mortality rate. They are treating her with an antifungul medicine. They have also switched her over to an oscillating ventilator. This does not give breath like how we breath. It keeps constant air in her lungs, she is getting like 600 breaths a minute. This is supposed to be easier on her lungs. They say this isn't a step backwards, it is something they are trying to help her.
I really don't feel like writing much more. But I will write more later if we find out anything new.

Thursday, March 29, 2001 at 06:53 PM (CST)

Morgan's day today was not awful but we didn't really make progress either. She dropped her sats again over night so they stopped her feedings. They started them up again this morning but made changes to them. Instead of 26 calorie, she is getting 20, instead of 28 cc an hour she is getting 5 cc an hour. They thought maybe the higher calorie was too rich for her. They pretty much all agreed she did not like the Captipril so they won't do that again. They also put her on nitric oxide today, this is a tube that goes into the tube her ventilator is on. That is supposed to help open up her lungs a little more. I didn't really see much change in her sats. She was more puffy today which means she is retaining liquids so either there is too much going in or she is just slowed down a little. I just hope she gets better. Again, her X-ray "looked a little better".
I'm really struggling now. They say this could go on for months. It's so hard to imagine our baby growing up and being asleep. We had a different nurse today, Jane. She believed in keeping her pretty quiet. I don't know what to think anymore. Some people say it's good for her to be a little awake and trying to breathe above the vent and others say it's not. I guess I'm getting to the point that I've just got to trust them and believe that Morgan WILL get better. We love her so much and miss her.

Wednesday, March 28, 2001 at 02:41 PM (CST)

Morgan's day has been a little better today but there have been a lot of changes so I think tomorrow may not be so good. Dr.Schaeffer added another kind of heart medicine,Captipril, that she thinks will help her heart better. Dr.Overman is upping her feedings, and going down on her Fentanly(just a little - this is a very addictive sedative), and changed her labs(she won't be getting them as much). Someone else changed her respiratory rate from 38 to 36. And they are now okay with sats in the high 80's so they are trying to wean her oxygen again. They also do her BD's with a little thing that looks like a sander but vibrates like a jackhammer. It's not that hard on her and seems to vibrate more mucus loose. So with so many changes I'm sure she will not like some or all of them. She also has an infection growing that they are going to begin treating with antibiotics. They are still doing sesitivities on it to find out what drugs will kill it, so we just hope it doesn't come back resistant to all drugs.
I heard they lost a baby last night. He was born with a bad heart and had multiple surgeries, and I guess there was nothing more they could do to help him. I guess I can be thankful they are still able to help Morgan. I had a discussion with Dr.Schaeffer and Gaylein today and their feeling is that this could take months. That's really disheartning(sp?) but as long as we get her back I guess I can wait.

Tuesday, March 27, 2001 at 06:44 PM (CST)

Morgan did not have a very good day today. She kept dropping her sats anytime anybody did anything to her. Her X-ray looked a little better and she seems to have good air movement. She now has a lot of secretions that they just can't seem to get by suctioning. I'm not sure what they will do about that. She still continues to breathe over the vent which is fine as long as it doesn't stress her out. We had new nurses on today. Gaylein seemed like a really good nurse but when she went on lunch a different nurse came in then a different nurse came in and that one went out. And as usual when Morgan started the least little movement she gave her a shot of muscle relaxer. That really made me upset, if she needs it I understand but sometimes they seem to do it just to stop her from moving. They panic when her sats drop and when she's moving and coughing a little they think the solution is to sedate her. I said something to Gaylein and she said they could probably be more sensitive to that. I'm tired and I'm pretty sure I'm getting another sinus infection so I left Morgan in Grandpa's capable hands so I could go home. This gets to be too much when I'm tired and not feeling well. But we'll just hope for better tomorrow.

Monday, March 26, 2001 at 06:57 PM (CST)

Well, I know I am a little late with my entry today but it's just been busy. Busy because Deb always gets Morgan all cleaned up. They put a different breathing tube in last night because they were concerned she was losing too much air. So her nose was all bloody. So Deb got that all cleaned up, washed her hair, and body, and we massaged her with baby lotion. Then we put a little outfit on her!
Progress today....Dr.Overman came in this morning and took out the wires that they would hook up to a pacemaker if her heart was having problems. He put her chest tube on water seal, again, I'm not exactly sure what that is but I know it is one step towards pulling her chest tubes out. So those were two good things. Not much change with the rest. He said her kidneys seem to be functioning better and again her X-ray showed her lungs are a little better. She was more feisty today. Deb doesn't keep her as sedated as some of the other nurses, but when she did give her Neurcuron, a muscle relaxer, it wasn't having the same effect. Deb said either her kidneys are working better and getting rid of it faster or she is building up a tolerance to it, or maybe a combination. Not much else. I think she's getting stronger, I hope she is. I swear they are putting her on the rack on night! I don't remember her being this long when we brought her in! So let's hope we continue forward with these small steps - as long as we don't go backwords! Thanks again for all your continued support!

Sunday, March 25, 2001 at 07:10 PM (CST)

Well, I lost my internet service for the laptop so I will have to work on that tomorrow.
Morgan had kind of an equal day. The morning started out really well. Ginger had her on her back, her sats were at 93% and her oxygen was at 80% which is great for on her back. She'd weaned down her two heart medicines, not completely but we are concentrating on little steps, and Morgan was not as sedated. She wasn't moving a lot, I think she's learned now when she moves they put her back to sleep. But things were looking good. The central line in her neck had started leaking so Ginger had put another line in her hand, it wasn't leaking blood just medicine. Which was kind of a test because she went without that medicine for awhile. But then when she got blood tests back some of her results were high so one of the surgeons, Dr. Moga, put the medicine back up to where it was. Her sats did drop some so they had to turn the oxygen back up. Dr. Overman, one of the other surgeons, had Deb put the catheder in so they can measure how much urine she is getting out. They re-threaded, don't ask me I don't know, the line in her neck. I thought they might move it to her groin area. So it seemed like it started good but actually seemed to end up kind of equal. Again her X-ray looked a little better, and when they say a little they always hold up their index finger and thumb to measure like a quarter inch. I DID get to hold her again this morning! That was wonderful! I almost fell asleep in the chair! I pulled her close and kissed her head and she would squeeze my finger! So she IS still in there, just resting and making sure her body is ready before she wakes up!
I'm happy we did not go backword. Some of her blood work is not good but I didn't get the feeling it isn't something they can't work on. I'm trying to stay positive and most of all I'm just happy we got one more day with her!

Saturday, March 24, 2001 at 10:32 PM (CST)

I just had to put another journal entry in tonight because I GOT TO HOLD MORGAN! Not on my lap but in my arms! For over an hour! I tried not to look at the nurse so she wouldn't tell me it was time to put her back. Ginger, our nurse tonight, only made me put her back when the RT(respirational therapist) came in. It felt soooo good to hold her! It was a little bit of a challenge because she is muscle relaxed she's like a wet noodle. But it was heaven! Thank you dear Lord for letting me have that! THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!

Saturday, March 24, 2001 at 06:20 PM (CST)

Today was another quiet day. Morgan has doesn't do so well with her sats when she is on her back, they start around the high 80's. On her tummy she does much better, so I guess she lays on her tummy for awhile! She looks very comfortable! Oh, I guess I had forgot to mention that I DID get to hold her yesterday! She was just on my lap but it was something! Currently her heart rate is 135, her blood pressure is 67 over 32, her sats are 96% and her oxygen is 75. Her oxygen was just turned to 75 though so her sats might drop some. But that is really good. On her back her oxygen has to stay at 100. She IS on her tummy right now though. Her sats are now at 94%, but that is still okay. Well, we've made it through one more day without things getting worse. One of the cardiologists, Dr.Baker, DC'd(stopped)her TPN(steak in a bag) and lipids(pure fat) because she is doing so well with her feedings. So we get to get rid of two more boxes(machines that administer medicine), YEAH! (You might notice I got some sleep!)
So, hopefully things well keep going well and these lungs will decide they are done stressing!
I have to put a special thank you out to Grandma Olin, Auntie Sue, Grandpa, Grandma Carol and Uncle Gabe. You have all stopped down and been here for us. Your support has been....well, I don't know where we would be now without it. Thank you and I'm sending a BIG HUG!

Saturday, March 24, 2001 at 10:01 AM (CST)

Morgan had an uneventful night. They gave her another blood transfusion last night because her hemoglobin was low. I think that is why. There hasn't really been any change with her lungs. I haven't seen any doctors yet sot there is not much to report. I will write more if there is a change or we hear something new.

Friday, March 23, 2001 at 10:07 AM (CST)

Morgan dropped her sats again sometime around 4 am. They gave her a blood transfusion and some albumin to increase the volume of fluid in her body. This was a little too much a little too fast and her heart beat changed it's rhythm a little. They have cancelled the broviac, that is "the procedure". They did an X-ray and it did not show any change. So they have put her on a more powerful diaretic(sp?) to help her get rid of some of that volume again. They have increased the strength of her feedings but as yet do not have the formula on hand that she needs. They are looking for it. If they don't find it soon I will be going to help them! As soon as they get that they will start her feedings again.
Dr.Overman was in and talked to us. He is not concerned about the broviac being cancelled and does not have a time frame for doing it again. Their goal right now is to get her nutrition up and support her while her lungs are in distress. The problem she is having with her lungs is something they see when lungs have been traumatized by drowning or aspiration. It is not common for what she has been through. They have done multiple cultures and she does not have an infection so they are really thinking her lungs are just in Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome(ARDS). There is nothing they can do for this except to support her lungs until they are ready to start getting better. And that is the challenge. They have tried to decrease the amount of oxygen she is getting through the respirator but it always makes her sats drop. Dr.Overman is considering going to a different type of respirator that is not as conventional but easier on her lungs. His feeling is that this is still managable but it is a waiting game. They CAN'T forecast how she is going to do because she changes that by the hour. Dr.Schaeffer offered us the encouragement though that if we look at how she has done over the last two weeks, it seems like MUCH longer than that, she has always fought and bounced back. That helps a little but we are all very fatigued from this holding pattern. It's easy to say keep a positive attitude and turn it over to God but it is not easy to do. There just doesn't seem to be any parents that have gone through this long and drawn out. Which makes it hard to get comfort from anyone else. We feel like we can't face to be here any longer but we can't be away from our baby either. Meanwhile we hurt and worry about Taylor because she is so strong but also starting to show the strain. Anyway,just venting. We DO appreciate all your good wishes. Just please give those you love and hold dear an extra hug and be oh so thankful they are healthy.
Okay, so Dr.Overman did pull the rest of her LAP line out. She had an IV that is called an ART line in her left arm. That started having problems drawing blood and picking up her blood pressure. Which I'm guessing is just because of how long it has been in. So they put a new one in her right arm and took the one out of her left arm. Her neck IV has been bleeding a little so I'm going to push them to change that dressing today. And we don't have Deb today but I am not going to drop holding Morgan. I WANT and NEED to do that today. It could get rough though when they try to put her back down. I bet I could figure out a way to get along just holding her!
So that's the update. No real change just still waiting. The odd thing in all this is that her left lung keeps doing better and better but her lungs as a pair are in distress. We have expressed our concern about her being sedated for so long and they tell us that really is okay. So we trust them, voice our opinions, hold her little hands, Auntie Sue gives her massages, Grandpa sings to her(no, I don't THINK that's upsetting her), mom covers her with kisses since she can't get away now, we all have our own thing we do with her and hopefully this gets through to her and gives her some peace.
Thanks AGAIN to Gregg for this laptop and I will go get the digital camera now for some updated pictures!

Thursday, March 22, 2001 at 06:03 PM (CST)

Well Morgan has not had much change today. Her lungs are not any better. She is tolerating her feedings and those are being increased. They will be stopped at 3am to prepare for that "procedure" tomorrow. That is scheduled for 10 and is supposed to take an hour to an hour and a half. The touchest thing with that will be her lungs and keeping her breathing.
I had forgot to mention that she did get her catheder out and her LAP line was cut. The LAP line is a line that went into the left atrium of her heart to measure the pressure coming out of her left ventricle. Dr. Overman cut it and tied it yesterday. He was out of town today, so he will be back tomorrow and I'm told he will remove it then.
She has not dropped her sats yet tonight so let's hope that doesn't happen. The day went well with her sister here, it was just hard for her big sister to leave. This is really hard for all of us. It's just so hard to go day to day and not know if she is going to make it or not. I asked about holding her today and Deb said we can try to do that tomorrow. I can't wait! I don't know if I will let go of her.
I will try to get updated pictures tomorrow. Thanks to Gregg for letting me use his laptop, it makes updating this journal much easier. So make sure you keep up on these entries, if not you can always look at previous ones.
I guess that will be all for tonight. I'll update tomorrow after she's done with "the procedure" unless something big happens before then.

Thursday, March 22, 2001 at 10:45 AM (CST)

Morgan is doing better today....well, I guess not better, better but she isn't doing worse. The echo yesterday didn't show anything they didn't expect. The X-ray didn't show any air. Her feedings were started again yesterday but they pushed the tube a little farther into her stomach to try to get it closer to her small intestine. She dropped her sats again last night around 4:15pm. It wasn't for long though. They decided to start putting her on her tummy and she really seemed to do well that way. This takes the pressure of her heart off her airways to her lungs. I think they are rotating her every 4 hours. Her sats occassionally drop but they come back up pretty fast. They have increased her feedings today and are going to keep things pretty mellow for her. I heard that her X-ray looked a little better this morning. I haven't seen it yet though.
Big sister is spending the day with us and that seems to be going real well. I think it helps Morgan to hear her voice. Auntie Sue has been wonderful bringing us music and spending her evenings with Morgan. She brought the greatest picture last night, poster size, of the Energizer Bunny and it says: Dearest Morgan, Just like me, you gotta keep going, and going, and going, and going...Love, The Bunny.
It's wonderful and reminds us all that our little Morgan is very strong. Everyone tells us that because they are amazed she has made it THIS far!
I'm better today. We will just hange in there and keep praying for the best. Again thank you all for your wonderful prayers and thoughts!

Wednesday, March 21, 2001 at 10:18 AM (CST)

Well I've decided this is torture. Everytime things look better and she seems to be doing well something happens and she goes down hill again. And those underlying tones of possibly losing her come up again. Last night, with a change of nurses, she dropped her sats(sp?) again, this is the amount of oxygen in her blood and her heart rate was at 170. Again, I pointed out what was happening, again, time was spent checking the equipment that reads her sats(sp?) figure. I guess they just decided that she did not tolerate the change in ventilation. They had changed to try to allow her to breathe more on her own. So it is changed back again. And she is not digesting the formula any longer, so that was stopped. I discussed a number of concerns with Dr.Shaeffer this morning so she's going to try to check into them. I really pointed out that I may have no clue what I am talking about but it IS a concern to me. Now the plan is to get another echo done, they are going to take another X-ray of her chest, this time from a side view to try to find that air. They are going to put a different tube into her stomach that will actually bypass her stomach and go into her small intestine so they can get feedings in her. I'm not exactly sure what the plan is for her lungs. Her right lung is running into trouble. It is getting more hazy and having problems functioning and they are not sure why. So I guess we'll just see how the day goes. They do want to get her nutrition up. Dr. Overman wants to have more of a long term line put into her neck and he said that will be a "procedure". Meaning they will take her to the operating room to do that. I don't know what to feel anymore, I feel like she is going down hill and not coming back up.

Tuesday, March 20, 2001 at 02:52 PM (CST)

Morgan is doing pretty good today. She has come off another heart medication. It sounds like there may have been a little activity last night because some of that air may have bubbled up but it doesn't seem to be a concern. Sandy and Deb continue to work on her lungs and are really getting a lot out. Yeah! She is now on full strength formula and did have another BM so I think her nutrition will continue to be bumped up. So everything is going well today. Her heartrate is staying in the 150's-160's and her blood pressure is in the mid 80's-90's. But Deb says that is alright. So let's pray all keeps going well. I think I will ask if they are going to do another echo on her heart to see how it is working. I've only seen Dr.Overman once today so hopefully I will see him this afternoon.
Again, thank you all for your wonderful thoughts in the guestbook. I think I'm getting more strength because I could read them this time and the tears almost came but didn't! Thank you!

Monday, March 19, 2001 at 10:17 PM (CST)

Well, I'm home, it's Daddy's turn to spend the night with his little girl. Even though he may not always show it he loves our girls more than anything and this is just as hard on him as it is on me.
So, we had a good, calm day. True, Morgan was sedated most of the day but she got to rest and let her lung heal. Deb, one of the nurses we want to adopt, kept up on aggressive BD's. Morgan didn't tolerate them too well this morning but she got better through out the day. When Morgan doesn't tolerate something her heart rate goes up into the 160's-180's and her blood pressure goes up in the 90's-110's. That's her way of telling us we are stressing her out. They, Deb and Sandy, Sandy is a resperational therapist(I think that is what she is called) are responsible for getting Morgan's left lung so much better. They didn't get much out today but they are really hopeful. Morgan did have an X-ray around 2:30pm and it appeared that all the air is out, and things look okay. So they will watch the tube out of her chest for a couple of days and then probably take it out. Her respiration has been changed too so what happened last night can't happen again.
She started up being weaned off Fentanyl, this is a sedative that is addictive. She should be off it by morning so I guess it could be an interesting morning. They are giving her morphine, neurcuron, and chloride something to calm her. I don't really see the trade off but I guess there is one. She also started slowly getting weaned off dopamine, this is a heart medication.
So we will hope for the best tomorrow. We made it through one more day!

Monday, March 19, 2001 at 09:54 AM (CST)

It's amazing how reading those journal entries really makes me feel better. Thank you all.
The doctors have all seen her and discussed her. Dr.Overman came in, he always makes me feel so much better. He said that they are not surprised by what happened last night and they will treat it. This morning's X-ray had shown a little air still sitting low above her liver. Another doctor had discussed putting another tube in to get that. Then Dr. Sid had come in and was concerned about her left lung and the amount of mucus still hanging out at the bottom, he sounded like he might talk to them about another bronchoscopy. But as I said, Dr.Overman made me feel much better. He said he's not concerned about the air, he thinks they can get that out by repositioning her. And he's not concerned about her left lung, he says it is doing much better than when she came in. He said that she may not ever get the lower lobe back and that's okay. They are not sure how long she'd gone without her left lung before she came in anyway. Dr. Baker, he works with Dr. Schaeffer, the cardiologist, thinks her heart has gotten smaller. So everyone seems to be impressed by the way she is looking this morning. Dr.Overman says the goal now is to "beef" her up. She is very dehydrated so they just started her on half strength formula before I came up. That will run at 1 teaspoon over an hour, so it is going REALLY slow. But I trust they know what they are doing.
Last night was really hard. Morgan really started waking up too much and was fighting so hard to breathe. I told the nurse and she just didn't seem too concerned. And then things really started getting bad. I've been mad for awhile, I'm so tired of hearing of her little "challenges". It just seems shes had enough and she deserves to just get a break. Everytime things seem to be going well and we let our guard down and are happy something happens. It's really defeating. And I was mad at the nurse because I felt she reacted too slow and had she been quicker to give Morgan a sedative this might not have happened. I discussed a little of how I felt with Dr.Overman and he said he really didn't feel her waking up too much was the cause. He said they'd had her pressure pretty high off the respirator to try and get her left lung up so he thinks that is what is responsible. He thinks she started struggling because that happened, he said it is very uncomfortable. So I guess that made me feel better. She also had a big BM yesterday which is really good. And she had one right before she ran into that problem last night which they also said could have contributed if she was working at getting that out. She had been coughing a lot yesterday too which also could have contributed. That's really hard to see. You can truly see how uncomfortable that tube is to her. I don't blame her at all, I know I wouldn't like it either. And I can only imagine how bewildered and scared she must be.
We will keep praying for improvement and hopefully soon we will not have any more bumps. Soon I'M going to need medication!

Monday, March 19, 2001 at 08:43 AM (CST)

This is Grandma Carol writing for Lori-she can't get to a computer right now. Morgan had been doing very well all weekend-she was starting to use her left lung more and was waking up more and looking around, trying to figure out what's been going on for the last week. Then last night about 8:10 p.m. she woke up too much, and started breathing against her respirator. A sac in her right lung popped, filling her chest with air. This pushed her liver down, and pushed her heart against her left lung. Of course, her heart rate went up to about 190. The doctors had to put a tube in her right side to drain the air out, and then her heart rate slowly went back down to about 140. They also had to give her some "volume" for dehydration. The nurse had explained to us on Saturday that they were trying to keep her as "DRY" as possible. Now they have to hydrate her some. The cardiologist said that, actually, Morgan's heart did very well through the crisis last night, so that is some encouragement. She is stable this morning, so we hope that she will continue to improve and get healthier as each day passes.
Please keep Lori, Steve, Morgan and Taylor in your prayers as they try to cope with this very difficult, life-and-death situation from day to day.

Saturday, March 17, 2001 at 04:53 PM (CST)

Morgan continues to do well, she is resting and continues to open her eyes for longer and longer periods of time. She was coughing, which is good, and tried to cry a little. That was a lot of work so she went back to sleep. BD's (see previous journal entry for desc.) were good and strong today. We are all excited to see what tomorrow's X-ray will show!

Saturday, March 17, 2001 at 10:10 AM (CST)

Good good news! Morgan had a really good, uneventful night. Her urine output has remained around 40-60cc per hour, which is good. Her urine output Thursday was about 4-6cc per hour. Thursday for the whole day she put out 108cc total, yesterday around 5:00pm she had put out a whooping 448cc! And she still had more hours to go. So! That is good. She has continued to "wiggle" and occassionally opens her eyes to let us know she's watching what we're doing. This morning she was actually raising both her arms to fight off the respiration therapist and the nurse while they tried to get more mucus out of her lungs!
On to the really good news! Morgan's chest X-ray came back this morning and we saw the most of her left lung than we've ever seen before. So they cancelled the bronchoscopy! (Yes, I know the WHOLE word now!) They do what they call BD's. This is a process of pounding, gently but with purpose, on her chest to loosen all the mucus in her lungs. They were VERY aggressive yesterday which I believe is the reason for her lung doing so well. Not so aggressive last night. I tried telling them that I could take it and I understand fully the benefit but they didn't pound as hard. So I was a little disappointed about that but I told the doctor this morning and it sounds like they will continue to be aggressive today. I am very hopefull her lung will come up more. The doctors won't say as much but I think they are too. They are going to start giving her some nutrition today, it is called TPN. This makes her Daddy very happy. She has developed some sores on her arm and foot from the boards that hold the IV secure but they are treating them.
So I think that is about it for now. She is doing well. One little note, Daddy snuck in the car quilt that you see pictured. Mommy wanted something more girlish but oh well! That had been changed this morning. I am sorry for sounding negative yesterday. It's just SOOO scary. Morgan was a healthy, normal little girl and it's very hard to hear people warn you that she could die. But as her Auntie Sue says we will remain positive. I have faith that God and her Grandpa Olin are watching over her. We are so very thankful for that and for all your prayers and support. The journal entries make me cry every time I read them. Thank you.

Friday, March 16, 2001 at 02:12 PM (CST)

Morgan's urine output is continuing to be good. They won't say yet that she is doing good on that until she keeps it up for awhile longer. They have not started nutrition yet and will not until her urine output is stabilized.
The ear, nose, and throat specialist, Dr. Sid, stopped by and explained to me what they would like to do. He said the bronch thing the other day ran into trouble because when they went down with the scope and suction they ran into so much mucus they couldn't keep up with sucking it out, and she wasn't getting air through that tube they were giving her air through a mask. This time they would take out her breating tube, put in a different tube that she would get air through, with a scope and a much larger space to handle all that mucus. However, this will stress her and Dr. Sid doesn't really think her left lung will stay inflated. But the longer it remains down the worse. And because this is a procedure the possibility remains that they will stress her out to the point where she would die. Boy, thats hard to think, it's much harder to write. I'm waiting, waiting, waiting to hear something GOOD and to stop hearing all these chances of losing her. That procedure will happen tomorrow morning between 9 and 10 unless something else comes up that is a priority.
Dr. Overman also took out her chest drain tubes.
I'll write more when I can. Thank you all for your kind thoughts, prayers, and help. Lori

Friday, March 16, 2001 at 10:09 AM (CST)

3-11-01 -
Morgan was kind of fussy, pulling at her ears a little, running a temperature of 99 degrees. She'd also seemed to be breathing funny. I'd done her nebulizer treatments but they didn't seem to help a lot. We were supposed to go to a baby shower at 1:30pm so we called the doctor at 11:30 and they couldn't get us in until 1:00. I really debated whether or not I should go, I've been so MANY times already. But we went.
1:00pm We were a little late but the number of people in the room kind of told me that didn't matter.
1:30pm We go in to see the doctor, Dr. Durand. He checks her out a little and orders a nebulizer treatment for her. Shortly after that has finished he walks by and orders another one.
2:00(ish) He comes in and tells me that she is going to be admitted to the hospital but he wants us to go down and get a chest X-ray. We go down and do that - he comes down and after looking at the X-ray informs me that we will be transferred to Children's Hospital in Mpls. He also feels her stomach. He tells me that we will be going by ambulance. Mom is really stressed out by now and trying to hold back tears while Taylor is wondering why we aren't going to the shower.
2:30(ish) Morgan is in the ER at Fairview Ridges in Burnsville. There they put an oxygen thingy in her nose, just at the tip of her nostrils, and get her on an IV. I think it was just saline.
3:15(ish) Steve has now been with us and will be taking Taylor home where Grandma Olin will be staying with her. Morgan and Mommy get in the ambulance where we ride with sirens and lights to Children's Hospital.
3:45(ish) We arrive at Children's Hospital where they immediately do an echo(sp?) on Morgan's heart. (The echo was like an ultrasound.) It has been explained to us by now that her heart is very enlarged and has squished her left lung. In the echo they tell us that they think her left ventricle is not working the way it should and they will need further tests to determine what is causing that.
4:00-7:00 - we wait in ER where nurses come in from time to time to check on Morgan.
7:00(ish) Morgan is transferred to the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit. There they put another IV in her foot. They also take out the other IV.
The rest of the night not much happens -Mom stays with her and sleeps a little. Morgan at times is having more difficulty breathing.
8-12-01
7-8:00(ish) They put in a central line - this is an IV that goes directly into a large vein in her neck. Shortly after they also put her on a respirator.
Sometime later they take her to Abott Hospital to do a test on her where they will put another line into her through a vein on the inside of her leg, by her groin area. This will be used to shoot dye into a tube that will go up by her heart and will show the blood flow. This test DOES confirm what the doctor's were thinking that Morgan has an Anomalous Left Coronary Artery. This means that her left coronary artery is connected to her pulmonary vein instead of her aorta. This is a VERY rare deformaty that she was born with. Because she is now 7 months old her left ventricle is very damaged, her left lung is also now collapsed. The doctors and surgeons are very guarded about her outcome. The cardiologsit, Dr. Shaffer is not certain her heart can even withstand surgery. The rest of the day is pretty uneventful.
8-13-01
Another line is put in through her arterial artery in her left arm. Ever since she was put on the respirator she has been drugged so that she will not move. In the afternoon she is allowed to wake up a little so Mom can talk to her and feel a little better before surgery. But when she starts moving too much she has to go back to sleep again.
8-14-01
It is decided that they are going to try a Bronchop something. They put a tube down the tube that is giving her air to look at her left lung to see if they can get it working at all. During this they lodge some mucus loose that blocks her trachea and immediately drops her blood pressure almost sending her into arrest. They pull out the tube for the respirator and the tube that was inserted into her stomach to drain her stomach acids. They get her back and then put all tubes back in. This was a very bad thing to have happen so soon before surgery which is scheduled for 11:00am. But they will go forward with surgery.
11:30am
They start surgery. We were told the surgery would take 4-5 hours. This is a surgery they have only done 4-5 times in 14 years. The complexity or technical aspect of the surgery is not the issue. Morgan's damaged heart is. They were also not certain they would close her chest because her heart was so enlarged it might be better to give it more room to perform as it would swell more after surgery.
The rest of the afternoon we are given updates often. We were given an update when they opened her chest, when they put her on the bypass machine, when they had fixed the deformaty(sp?), and when they had taken her off the bypass machine. She did well through all of this and things seemed to be going faster than planned. Mom, Dad, Grandma Olin, Grandma Carol, Grandpa, Uncle Gabe, Jane (Mom's best friend from work), and Frank all tensely waited through the afternoon. She did good coming off the bypass machine but they had to spend extra time to stop her bleeding. They were able to close her chest. Whew!
Later that night they tell us that she did amazingly well in surgery, much better than expected.
They warned us that she would be swollen and that the next 24 hours would be very critical because she would be very sick. She did okay through out the night and didn't swell THAT much - not like what Mom had imagined anyway. She is still sleeping all the time, is on the respirator and on about 4 medications for her heart. Every line into her splits into about 4 or 5 other lines and all the lines are linked back to some kind of medicine or fluid of some sort.
3-15-01
Morgan's surprising pull through surgery has now slowed down and she has given us all something to worry about again. She does not want to go potty. They told us that after surgery it is normal to be sluggish but they are still concerned. They increase drugs going into her in the hope she will start urinating - she has a catheder that was inserted before surgery. She also is battling a fever but at the same time has cold hands and feet (this is the hearts way of only doing the work it has to - it's not going to circulate blood real well to the hands and feet if it doesn't have the strength to). Cultures of her nose secretions have pointed out that she also has Strep. She has been given antibiotics so they will continue giving them to her. She has had 3, I think, blood transfusions so that her heart doesn't have to work so hard to pump blood.
Her surgeon, Dr. Overman, optimistically started the morning by deciding to try to get her left lung back up and do another bronch thing. Mom is VERY nervous because it seems WAY too soon.
Throughout the day she does not urinate and continues to fight fever - still normal they say but they ARE increasingly concerned about her not urinating. Her liver and kidneys are sluggish. Her liver was, and may still be, enlarged because of her heart problem. Mom notices her tummy is getting harder and her belly button is starting to become an outy instead of an inny.
Once again they increase drugs to make her urinate. The bronch thing is off. Whew! They have eased up on the drugs making her sleep and she is now allowed to "wiggle" - her eyes do not open though. Because she has not urinated though she is still holding onto all the drugs that make her sleep.
Mom has been sleeping in sleep rooms at the hospital for 4-5 hours a night and everyone has decided she should go home. Dad agrees to watch her like a hawk and spend the night.
3-16-01
Mom had a rough night. It was VERY hard walking around a house without the little one that has been with her for the last 7 months. But all Morgan's stuff is still there and a constant reminder that Morgan is not. But Taylor needs that time with her Mom and Mom needs those hugs from Taylor. We get through the night - Mom called before she went to bed. Urine output was a little better but still things are kind of tense.
Mom wakes up at her, now usual, time of 4:00am and calls to check on Morgan. She is doing okay, she has had more urine output which kind of shook up her body and meant they had to put more "volume" into her. They continue to be concerned about her urination.
Currently - Mom is back at the hospital - she's agreed to leave Morgan to set up this web page so all those who've prayed and be so wonderful to us can keep up to date on Morgan. Morgan's heart rate is around 145-155, good, her blood pressure is around 78, good, they are trying to keep her temperature around 36.5-37 celsius. She is still on a lot of drugs to increase urine output. No more news on trying to get her left lung back up but there is growing concern about her developing pneumonia. Daddy says today will be a quiet day, don't know if we've really had that yet.

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