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Kaitlyn Louise 
Kaitlyn was always an angel now she has the wings to prove it!
July 20,2000 to March 24,2002
"The mention of my child's name,
May bring tears to my eyes,
But never fails to bring
Music to my ears.
If you are really my friend,
Let me hear the music of her name.
It soothes my broken heart
And sings to my soul."
~Author Unknown
Journal
Saturday, March 10, 2012 8:42 PM CST It has been too long since I last updated. I doubt anyone even visits anymore, but I feel better after writing and what better place than the place I have gone to for almost 11 years to vent and cry.
In 14 days I will have spent a decade as the mother of an angel. A title I could have gone my entire life avoiding, but I am proud to be her mommy, no matter how short I had her with me here on Earth. She changed me and my life forever.
I can't believe it has been 10 years since that day. Some days I wonder how I have survived without her here with me. Sometimes I feel guilty for even thinking this because I have 2 other children and a husband who depend on me. My life is far from perfect, but I am loved and I love others. Having Kaitlyn here is the only thing that would make it better! I know she is always with me though.
Recently I found out that a person I have known for a few years had also lost a daughter. Not from cancer, but still a loss and a missing piece of her heart. We were not in a position where I could talk to her at the time I found out, but I went back to her later and asked her about it and I told her a little about my Kaitlyn. She also did not know about my loss, not because I don't talk about her, but just because it is not something that comes up in everyday conversation. Her story touched me deep to my soul, in ways I couldn't have imagined. I have known numerous parents to have lost children and I am one of them and this woman's story really got to me. Yesterday was the anniversary of her daughter's death. I gave her a card on Thursday to let her know that I too would be thinking of her angel and that she should always remember she is not alone in her grief and loss. She gave me the biggest hug, which was so unexpected on my side. She was so happy that I remembered and that I honored her daughter.
People seem to think that as time goes on my grief should lessen, but honestly I think it gets worse some days. My heart aches to hold my baby girl just one more time. Even though I know if she were here she would be an 11 1/2 year old young lady and not the baby who is forever etched in my memories. I will NEVER "get over" this loss. I will never forget. Her life and her death changed me- good and bad.
Paige will be 13 next month. She is quite the girl too. She is more like me than she cares to believe. She is outspoken and smart and one of the reasons I go one each day. She got me through those first few days...weeks...months...years. If I didn't have her I am not sure how or if I would have survived burying my baby girl.
We also now have Gabi, who just turned 4. She is finally at the point where she recognizes Kaitlyn and knows Kaitlyn died and is an angel in Heaven. She will tell us this out of the blue, which was quite shocking the first time it happened. I was laying in bed and she leaned over and said "mom, Kaitlyn died and is in Heaven". She was sitting here when I pulled up this page and saw Kaitlyn's picture and recognized her. It baffles her that her sister is a baby. Someday she will understand a little more.
I have been contemplating the idea of getting a memorial tattoo this year, but I just can't decide what or where. I am not a big tattoo person, but this is something I am open to if I find the right thing.
My sweet Kaitlyn-
Mommy loves you and misses you every single second of every day. I know you are watching over me and your sisters. I wish you could be here with them to play, fight, and grow. All my love sweet baby girl!
Read Journal History
Links: http://www.goldribbons.com Purchase a Gold ribbon to help raise awareness for childhood cancer!
http://www.supersibs.org for siblings of children with cancer
http://www.chemoangels.com Become an angel to someone who needs one!!!
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