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The Living of a Miracle: Donna's Journey 
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Journal
Monday, November 27, 2006 4:57 AM CST Here is one more Journal entry. I still think this is the time to switch mediums, though CaringBridge has been wonderful for me and to me. To have this free service to patients, is a wonderful gift. Since my last entry a month ago, I have retired on disability. I had two of my doctors sort of “get in my face” and tell me I was killing myself, if I kept up the pace I was trying to keep. Truth is, I couldn’t keep the pace anymore. It was a hard and painful decision.
On October 11th, I turned in the notice of my intention to go back on 100% permanent disability on November 11, 2006. So, here it is sixteen days later and here I am at home, unable to sleep, thinking about things that need to be done. I am realizing quickly how far I have been pushing myself for quite a while now. I have to stop and rest every little while. I am still trying to keep active and not give in too much, but I have to admit that I have no stamina anymore. I am finding myself easily overwhelmed with details of things I need to do. In me, “overwhelmed,” (or as an old friend used to say: “whelmed over”) leads to intimidation and intimidation leads to fear, which leads to depression, and then I get nothing done. I am going to see the neurologist this morning for a follow-up visit. He is one of the docs that “got in my face.” So, maybe he can help me get my head straight today.
Part of my problem is that I lost my beloved L.C. on November 8th. I came home to take Dad to lunch and when we returned, L.C. was lying on the porch floor, next to the lounge chair he claimed as his own. I held him and sobbed for a while, until Jerry could get home. Jerry and I took him to our vet, Dr. Alan Martin, who made the arrangements for him to be cremated. His ashes now sit on the mantle in a beautiful little burgundy, satin-covered box. I still miss him terribly, as does Dad. There will never be another L.C. He was so smart and so loveable. He was only ten and a half. Yorkies often live to be in their late teens, and I was counting on his doing that. His death from congestive heart failure, has really taken something out of me. Alan assured me that we had done everything possible for L.C. and that he went peacefully, quickly and didn’t suffer.
I have been to see the breeder we got L.C. from and have another little Yorkie picked out. Dad and I both felt we needed another little doggie around. They are such good comfort and companionship. This time I will get a female. I just couldn't “replace” my canine son. Her name is Maggie and I hope to get her on December 9th. This breeder is very picky about her dogs, which I appreciate. She doesn’t let them leave their mother and siblings until they are twelve weeks old. They are so tiny, I am really glad Maggie will be a little older than many pups when she comes home.
So, I guess you can see, that a part of my craziness these days is pure and simple grief, not to mention the huge transition I am going through. Some days I don’t think I’m handling anthing very well, but I keep on waking up each morning, (even though it was at 3:30 this morning) and giving God the gratitude I truly feel, for the gift of another day. Keep me in your prayers and let me know today, if you want to be on my e-mail list for health updates. I will close my CaringBridge account very soon. The place to let me know is: donajery1@bellsouth.net.
Shalom Y’all ! !
Donna
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