This will be the last journal entry I write...
Happy 4th Birthday Nicholas!!!
Yesterday Nicholas turned 4 years old...can you believe it??? Today we celebrated with two parties, which means double the fun and double the sugar! It was a perfect day.
Along with our family members, friends, and countless others, we prayed for this wonderful and perfect outcome and are so grateful that it came true. There were many days when we feared Nicholas might not have such a bright future. We remember sitting in the conference room at the clinic after a couple of MRIs…staring at the image on the computer while tears kept falling, feeling as though we had just been assaulted…trying to hear what they were saying but not able to comprehend what was coming out of their mouths. Not knowing what to do, but just wanting to pick him up, hold him tight and breathe him in. Those were very difficult days…the most excruciating of my life. Just recalling them now makes me cry. I look at him and can't believe what we've been through over the past three years.
It’s an experience that has fundamentally changed how Chip and I look at the world and our family. We talk often with Nicholas about being in the hospital, our doctors and nurses, the yucky medicine, and the scar on his chest left from his port. We pray for the kids who are still sick, and for the kids who have earned their wings and have become angels. We grieve for the families we’ve met that have had to bury their precious children and have to somehow find a way to go on with their lives. Chip and I also think about the families that are walking into the clinic for the first time today, learning the gut-wrenching news that their child is ill. We sympathize for them, knowing all too well the life-changing experience and enormous challenges ahead of them. We couldn’t possibly forget this experience and the world to which we were exposed.
But now we have new experiences ahead of us. Looking at Nicholas today, you would never know what his little body endured…surgeries, chemo, radiation, sickness, infection, tests, tests, and more tests. He's healthy, happy, eager to learn, more eager to play and so very loving and sweet. He was so strong and brave during his illness and I have to believe that this experience will make him grow into an even stronger person.
Three years ago today I wrote the first journal entry of this website. Tonight I struggle writing the last. We are thrilled to move on with our lives and put this experience in our past, but to take the lessons it taught us and put them into action in our daily lives. But signing off on the website, on the hospital visits, the medicine, the staff we've come to know and trust...that is kind of scary. And while we know we are not alone...for you all have proven that...we now have to learn to "be normal" and live without the shadow of the illness.
We are so appreciative for all of your love and support over the years. And while I would not ever want to go through this type of experience again, I am so grateful for it. I've learned more about unconditional love and empathy in the past three years than I have ever known. And I've also learned the genuine goodness of people. We have so many examples around us...our parents, siblings, extended family, friends, neighbors. You all took such wonderful care of us and we are forever touched by your kindness. Thank you.
And so...I need to put my little birthday boy to bed now. We hug for a long time! I can never get enough of that simple joy. Thank you again for keeping our little family in your thoughts and prayers. We wish you all the best!
And to my sweet Nicholas...as I whisper in your ear each night, you are the best thing that's ever happened to me. You have made my heart explode with love. You have taught me to love those around me more deeply and truly. You have made me a mom and I couldn't be happier. I love you. And as we also say each night...I love you more than ice cream, more than cupcakes, more than pizza, more than spaghetti, more than milk shakes, more than baseball, more than blankie, more than Mickey Mouse....and on and on and on.
Happy Birthday Nicholas! I can 't wait to see what the future holds for you!
Love,
Mommy
