Just stuff......
It's been almost a week now since Terri's memorial service and I keep thinking I need to write in here but words escape me. Simple statements go in and out of my head and nothing really can convey my thoughts in a rational order. But I'll try......
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The memorial service was very nice and very personal. Mike did a wonderful job with the eulogy - we really don't know how he got through it. Traci read A Letter from Heaven and added her own message at the end which was so personal and from her heart. Steph's words were also from her heart and had a lot of meaning about Terri. And a huge 'Thank You' to Fr. Vogel (my cousin), and also to Meghan (my niece) for singing the song that Terri wrote for Brae and Bryson. No one except Mike knew she had written the lyrics to a song and had found someone who put the words to music. I'll write more about this at a later date. Our family is so grateful to the over 400 persons who attended and we wish we could have talked with each and every one of you. I did try to seek out everyone who was at the reception afterwards. If I missed you, I'm sorry........
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Phil and I met Mike and Brae and Bryson in Leavenworth on Sunday as they were coming back from a wedding in Winthrop that they had planned to attend as a family months ago. We brought the other boy cousins, Connor and Chase, to surprise Brae and Bryson and they all had a great time. It was a nice diversion; however, this was also the last place we'd gone with Terri, Mike and the boys (last summer) so it was bittersweet. I tried really hard to think only of the good memories and I sort of succeeded but when I wasn't looking the sadness crept in and it was all I could do to not totally break down. I know it was even more difficult for Mike.
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If you haven't been in this situation, you can't imagine the pain. And, unfortunately, too many of you who are reading this have been in my place and you do know exactly what we're going through. I'm aware of 'way too many of our friends who have lost a child; some were very young and some were teenagers, and some were young adults, and some were older adults. It doesn't matter - they are still your child and it tears away at the core of your soul. I had no idea how badly it could hurt because even if I tried to imagine it, I couldn't. It's real true physical pain deep within you.
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We spent this afternoon on the beach with Mike and the boys and again that sadness crept in and engulfed me. I was so happy being at the beach watching the boys 'fish' and jet ski with Phil and then I started thinking how much Terri would love being there, too, watching Brae and Bryson having so much fun. Mike was cleaning up the cabin and it was so like every summer in the past. But Terri wasn't there. I ran up to the house and made spaghetti really quickly just like last year and the years before. It was always one of our easy to eat on the beach meals. I did the spaghetti, Terri brought salad and bread. And we both brought dessert. We didn't even have to think about it - she would go up to their house and pick me up on the way back to the beach. We didn't even have to discuss what each would bring, we just knew.
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After I gave Bryson a bath tonight and we were admiring the full moon coming up beside Mt. Rainier he started thinking and asked me if I thought that he could look through the binoculars and maybe see his mom on the mountain. I assured him that she was everywhere, even on the mountain, and she was watching over us and protecting us. He also told me she could see him and hear him even if he whispered and that his dad had hung a picture of her in his bedroom and when he woke up in the morning he could look at her. All of those things seemed to make him very happy and content. He did say it was sort of weird that she could hear him when he whispered, though. Oh,Terri, I hope you heard him, he is so precious. I have to believe you did.........
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Everyone says it gets worse before it gets better and that's so true. Each day seems worse, it isn't easier. It's tougher. It's so final. Finality is too real. Terri's so missed by all of us. I feel like I'll never be able to concentrate again and never accomplish anything. I just cannot stay focused. But I know in time I'll be able to function and I'll be OK because Terri would want us all to be OK and to carry on and not dwell on her death but to smile at the memories we have and to be happy. And we have to be happy so Brae and Bryson will be happy. And that would be her greatest wish. So happiness is my goal ................ not yet, but pretty soon.
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Thanks to everyone for your calls, your emails, your guestbook entries, the cards and the flowers and the prayers. The outpouring of love is so much appreciated - we couldn't get through this without it. I'll try to update again before long............
