History

Journal History

Wednesday, December 30, 2009 5:15 PM CST

Wishing you all the most wonderful blessings in the New Year.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009 9:36 PM CST

The irony of Thanksgiving.

A day that is a true American holiday....a day to give thanks for all of the blessings in our lives...a day to spend with those who you love.

Thankful for so much. God is so good.

It also is the time of year when Jack was diagnosed was leukemia. The time I could see his discomfort, his pale color of his skin. Having to call his daddy up north at the cabin to let him know the news from the test results. The same day that I found out I was expecting Joe.

Mixed emotions. Not sure how to sort through them. The memories come flooding back....and I wish it all could just go away.

So many days that I let everyone else spend time with Jackson...and I wish I would've taken more for myself.

Life's lessons are hard....but Life is still good.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009 7:49 AM CDT

The little boy would be 12 years old today. Not so little I guess.

Having birthdays without having the birthday boy...it's a very hard thing.

Thursday, September 3, 2009 0:06 AM CDT

September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month

Childhood cancers are cancers that primarily affect children, teens, and young adults. It is important to understand that when cancer strikes children and young people, that it affects them differently then it does adults.

Young patients often have a more advanced stage of cancer when first diagnosed. Only about 20% of adults with cancer show evidence that the disease has spread at the time of diagnosis, yet 80% of children show that the cancer has spread to distant sites in the body when the cancer is first diagnosed.

Most adult cancers result from lifestyle factors, such as smoking, diet, occupation, and other exposure to cancer causing agents. The causes of most childhood cancers are linked to paternal and maternal exposure to occupational carcinogens, the high amount of nitrates in our foods, pesticides on our fruits and vegetables, lawn and garden pesticides, environmental toxins and carcinogens, and maternal exposure to ionizing radiation to name a few. While adult cancers are primarily those of the lung, colon, breast, prostate, and pancreas; childhood cancers are mostly those of white blood cells (leukemia’s), brain, bone, lymphatic system and tumors of the muscles, kidneys and nervous system. Each of these behaves differently, but all are characterized by an uncontrolled proliferation of abnormal cells.

The majority of adult sufferers are treated in their local community by family physicians, consulting surgeons and medical oncologists. Family physicians or pediatricians rarely treat cancers in children. A child with cancer must be diagnosed precisely and treated by physicians and clinical and laboratory scientists who have a special expertise in managing the care of children with cancer. Such teams are found only in major children’s hospitals, university medical centers and cancer treatment centers.

Cancer Facts:

Childhood cancer is the number one disease killer of children.
Every year more then 12,000 children and young adults are diagnosed with cancer.
Cancer is the second leading cause of death during childhood, exceeded only by accidents.
On any given school day, approximately 46 young people are diagnosed with cancer.
1 out of 330 persons in the U.S will develop cancer by their 19th birthday.
1 out of 2 persons will develop some form of cancer in their lifetime.

Signs of Childhood Cancer

Continued, unexplained weight loss
Headaches, often with vomiting, at night, or early morning
Increased swelling or persistent pain in bones, joints, back or legs
Lump or mass, especially in the abdomen, neck, chest, pelvis, or armpits
Development of excessive bruising, bleeding, or rash

Constant infections
A whitish color behind the pupil
Nausea, which persists, or vomiting without nausea
Constant tiredness or noticeable paleness
Eye or vision changes which occur suddenly and persist
Recurrent fevers of unknown origin

Since most of these symptoms can be attributed to other ailments also, cancer diagnosis can be a long process. You must trust your own instinct and work as a team with your doctor and a nutritionist, using your knowledge of your child, and their knowledge of health practice to best protect your child.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009 11:40 AM CST

Hi to my family, friends and the Clear Lake Community.

I have been selected to play on the WFCA All-Star Football team. I am so excited to be able to have this opportunity. Not only will I be able to spend a week at UW-Oshkosh with some of the top football players in the state, we also get to work on a special project that is near to my heart. We will be raising money to donate to the Children's Hospitals.

I became very familiar with the Children's Hospital when my little brother Jackson was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia PH+ at the age of 26 months. He was in treatment for about 18 months in the Oncology at Children's. He also received a bone marrow transplant, and I was the best match and was able to be his bone marrow donor.

I spent a lot of time at the Children's Hospital when Jack was in treatment. I would go visit and spend time with other sick kids that wanted someone to talk to or play with.

My brother Jackson passed on from this life on May 15, 2001. He was 3 1/2 years old. He was a a very cool brother.

Jack used to sing this song to me and my sister about being an All-Star.

I think my brother Jack is an All-Star. I will be raising my funds in memory of him.

I am asking for your support, and I thank you for helping me, the All-Star Football team, the Children's Hospital, and for all of the children like Jackson that will benefit from this.

-Jake Espeseth

Wednesday, February 25, 2009 11:00 AM CST

Wednesday, November 19, 2008 12:56 AM CST

People get ready
Theres a train a-coming
You don't need no baggage
You just get on board
All you need is faith
To hear the diesels humming
Don't need no ticket
You just thank the Lord

People get ready
For the train to Jordan
Picking up passengers
From coast to coast
Faith is the key
Open the doors and board them
Theres room for all
Among the loved the most

There ain't no room
For the hopeless sinner
Who would hurt all mankind just
To save his own
Have pity on those
Whose chances are thinner
Cause theres no hiding place
From the Kingdoms throne

So people get ready
For the train a-coming
You don't need no baggage
You just get on board!
All you need is faith
To hear the diesels humming
Don't need no ticket
You just thank, you just thank the Lord

Yeah

I'm getting ready
I'm getting ready
This time I'm ready
This time I'm ready

People get ready...surely it will be soon.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008 11:20 AM CDT

11 years ago today...

A sweet little blessing came our way.

Oh, how our hearts miss him so.

How we wish he didn't have to go.

We love that precious Jackson Ben.

We all hold on, Until we meet again...

Saturday, September 13, 2008 10:23 PM CDT

September 13, 2008: National Childhood Cancer Awareness Day

Childhood Cancer Facts
# Childhood cancers are the #1 disease killer of children — more than asthma, cystic fibrosis, diabetes, and pediatric AIDS combined.
# One in every 330 children will develop cancer before the age of 19.
# The National Cancer Institute’s (NCI) federal budget was $4.6 billion. Of that, breast cancer received 12%, prostate cancer received 7%, and all 12 major groups of pediatric cancers combined received less than 3%.
# Childhood cancer is not a single disease, but rather many different types that fall into 12 major categories. Common adult cancers are extremely rare in children, yet many cancers are almost exclusively found in children.
# One out of every five children diagnosed with cancer dies.
# Common cancer symptoms in children — fever, swollen glands, anemia, bruises and infection — are often suspected to be, and at the early stages are treated as, other childhood illnesses.
# Three out of every five children diagnosed with cancer suffer from long-term or late onset side effects.
# Childhood Cancers are cancers that primarily affect children, teens, and young adults. When cancer strikes children and young adults it affects them differently than it would an adult.
# Attempts to detect childhood cancers at an earlier stage, when the disease would react more favorably to treatment, have largely failed. Young patients often have a more advanced stage of cancer when first diagnosed. (Approximately 20% of adults with cancer show evidence the disease has spread, yet almost 80% of children show that the cancer has spread to distant sites at the time of diagnosis).
# Cancer in childhood occurs regularly, randomly, and spares no ethnic group, socioeconomic class, or geographic region.
# The cause of most childhood cancers are unknown and at present, cannot be prevented. (Most adult cancers result from lifestyle factors such as smoking, diet, occupation, and other exposure to cancer-causing agents).
# Nationally, childhood cancer is 20 times more prevalent than pediatric AIDS yet pediatric AIDS receives four times the funding that childhood cancer receives.
# On the average, 12,500 children and adolescents in the U.S. are diagnosed with cancer each year.
# On the average, one in every four elementary schools has a child with cancer.
# On the average, every high school in America has two students who are a current or former cancer patient.
# In the U.S., about 46 children and adolescents are diagnosed with cancer every single school day. That's about the equivalent of two entire classrooms.
# While the cancer death rate has dropped more dramatically for children than for any other age group, 2,300 children and teenagers will die each year from cancer.

Thursday, May 15, 2008 5:07 AM CDT

7 years.

That sounds like a long time. Honestly, it seems like
yesterday. As a believer in the Word, I rejoice at Jackson's big day. As a parent, as a mother, the feelings are much different.

It is the love from others that keep us going on days like this. The support and friendship that amazes me. The people that did so much for us, and that still remember. The ones that have sent cards, or signed on here. The friend that every year since Jack's passing has brought over yellow balloons for our family to let go. To all of you, my heart truly thanks you.

I talk to other mother's that have walked a similar journey. The feelings are always the same. The deep sadness of the experience. The torment of reliving the last weeks, days, hours. It comes back to mind...when we allow it.

I have learned to focus on the positive. The wonderful times. The lessons I learned. The amazing testimony that Jackson has. The way that the Lord walked with us every step of the way.

Something special happens here when we talk on Jack.

We have 3 other children here that talk about Jack all the time. They include him. They love him. They miss their brother.

I know that Jackson Ben had a wonderful purpose. I am blessed to have been his momma.

My heart is thankful for you, to still think of us.

God bless you.

Tuesday, January 1, 2008 7:12 PM CST

May all who visit here, have a very blessed new year!

Friday, December 21, 2007 8:20 AM CST

Merry Christmas~

"The sun was setting on the hills of Judea. The poor carpenter led the donkey down the steep path as the couple drew nearer to the place of their birth. With tender hands, he lifted his fragile bride from the back of the donkey and gently set her on the rock for one last rest before they entered into the town of Bethlehem. As he looked at the city, he said with a loving voice, “Dear, there is the little city just below us, where perhaps our little newcomer will be born. I doubt whether we'll find a place at the hotel tonight for you. I can see the people sleeping in the streets and anywhere they can find to sleep. The city is crowded.”

His wife was strangely quite. He turned to see a light on her face that he had never seen before. Her beautiful brown eyes were looking up into the sky. “Joseph, have you noticed that Star hanging yonder? It seems to be the prettiest star that I have ever seen in all my life. It seems to light up all the village of Bethlehem. Since the sun went down I've noticed that star, and It seems to have followed us.” He looked up into the sky, “I haven't noticed it till just now. That's where that reflection is coming from upon your lovely face.” He gently put her back on the little donkey and carefully led her down the trail to the town, where he found there was no room for them in the inn.

The couple was soon desperately searching for a place to shelter the little King that was about to enter the world. It was neither a king’s palace nor a hospital that the Messiah was born; it was a small stable built in a cave on the side of a hill. Throughout the history of the earth and heavens, there has never been a place with a higher honor than that modest stable.

There was no great choir to sing at His birth. There was no fine linen to wrap Him in. There was not even a crib for Him to sleep. They wrapped the baby in the only thing they could find: a rag hanging in the stable that was used to protect the ox’s back when plowing. They took the manger that was used for feeding the animals, and placed His precious body inside.

The Messiah was not a mighty warrior like they expected. He was not a king from a far away land. He was not an angel riding on a white horse. The Messiah was a newborn baby wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a feeding trough over a manure pile.

Today, the world is overlooking the birth of Christ the same as they did 2000 years ago. They have replaced Jesus with Santa Claus. The angels have been replaced with magic reindeer. Instead of reverence to His birth, they celebrate with sinful parties. Instead of a day of worship, they have made it into a pagan celebration.

Christmas is not a commercial celebration, but it is a day of worship. We are thankful that the Lord raised up a Standard against the myths of the world, and this Standard has struck deep into the hearts of believers in every corner of the earth. "

May the Lord bless you and your family.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007 8:12 PM CST

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, a day that's set aside where our pilgrim forefathers set that day aside to give thanks to God for what we had--what He had done for us, for blessing them, giving them crops and so forth. It's one real American day. All the other days, like Saint Patrick's, and so forth, come from across the seas. But this is an American holiday: Thanksgiving Day.

Tonight I want to say that there's so many things that I'm thankful for. I don't know how to give thanks to God for so many blessings. Be sure to remember that tomorrow. If your church has service, attend. Tomorrow night we continue on with our services here. And we're expecting you, if you can, to be out with us tomorrow night. Be sure. If you don't have church service, then at home, get the family together, set down, take God's Word, read it. Tell your children about it. Tell them that this nation was built upon such as that. Our forefathers who fought to--to bring this freedom to us and left the other country so that we could have freedom of worship, and freedom of speech, and freedom of press, and so forth. And we're thankful yet for it. We don't know how long it will last that way, but I say this, "Long may our lands be bright with freedom's holy light; protect us by Thy might, great God, our King." 59-1125 From The Beginning It Wasn’t So

Sunday, September 16, 2007 6:36 PM CDT

We always call him the 'little boy" and today marks the occasion of his 10th birthday. How big he would be now! We spent the day thinking about him, talking on his little self and what we would be doing today. It was a beautiful day...and my heart is thankful to all of those who take the time to call us or write, or think about him. You are special. We had that pizza party today. Jack would haved loved it. Thank you to the special auntie who always remembers...love to you all.

I think of all of the precious things Jackson told us and taught us. He was so very brave. May we all find that wisdom that this little boy showed to us. God bless you.

EXPECTATIONS_ NEW.YORK.NY WEDNESDAY_ 50-0405
E-7 We're going towards a dark chamber, a chamber of death. Everyone enters that chamber. And every time our heart beats, we go one step closer.
Someday, I shall enter that chamber. And when I get down to the last heart beat, I do not want to go in there as a coward; I want to wrap myself in His righteousness; pull it up around me and enter that chamber, to know Him in the power of His resurrection. And when they... The Angel screams forth, the Voice, the trumpet sounds, I want to come out from among the dead.
I hope to see you all there. How I would like to take each one tonight, set down and talk to you for hours. That's almost impossible for me to do that. But I will make an appointment with you, and by grace of God, I'll keep it.
If you'll make it with me, someday when it's over lets set down by the rivers of Life over there, where we'll just talk a thousand years with each one of us, just talk over the old things. -WMB

Wednesday, September 13, 2006 7:10 PM CDT

On the occasion of Jackson's upcoming 9th Birthday...we miss him more then any words could express. We love him dearly. We think of him daily. We are blessed.

Thank you for remembering Jack.

The Brave Little Soul
By: John Alessi

Not too long ago in Heaven there was a little soul who took wonder in observing the world. He especially enjoyed the love he saw there and often expressed this joy with God. One day however, the little soul was sad, for on this day he saw suffering in the world. He approached God and sadly asked, "Why do bad things happen, why is there suffering in the world?".

God paused for a moment and replied, "Little soul, do not be sad, for the suffering you see, unlocks the love in peoples hearts". The little soul was confused. "What do you mean", he asked. God replied, "Have you not noticed the goodness and love that is the offspring of that suffering? Look at how people come together, drop their differences, and show their love and compassion for those who suffer. All their other motivations disappear and they become motivated by love alone.

The little soul began to understand and listened attentively as God continued, "The suffering soul unlocks the love in people's hearts much like the sun and rain unlock the flower within the seed. I created everyone with endless love in their heart, but unfortunately most people keep it locked up and hardly share it with anyone. They are afraid to let their love shine freely, because they are afraid of being hurt. But a suffering soul unlocks that love. I tell you this-it is the greatest miracle of all. Many souls have bravely chosen to go into the world and suffer-to unlock this love-to create this miracle-for the good of all humanity.

Just then the little soul got a wonderful idea and could hardly contain himself. With his wings fluttering, bouncing up and down, the little soul excitedly replied, "I am brave; let me go! I would like to go into this world and suffer so that I can unlock the goodness and love in people's hearts! I want to create that miracle!

God smiled and said, "You are a brave soul I know, and thus I will grant your request. But even though you are very brave you will not be able to do this alone. I have known since the beginning of time that you would ask for this and so I have carefully selected many souls to care for you on your journey. Those souls will help you create your miracle; however they will also share in your suffering. Two of these souls are most special and will care for you, help you and suffer along with you, far beyond the others. They have already chosen a name for you.

God and the brave little soul shared a smile, and then embraced. In parting, God said, "Do not forget little soul that I will be with you always. Although you have agreed to bear the pain, you will do so through my strength. And if the time should come when you feel that you have suffered enough, just say the word, think the thought, and you will be healed.

Thus at that moment the brave little soul was born into the world, and through his suffering and God's strength he unlocked the goodness and love in people's hearts. For so many people dropped their differences and came together to show their love. Priorities became properly aligned. People gave from their hearts. Those that were always too busy found time. Many began new spiritual journeys-some regained lost faith-many came back to God. Parents hugged their children tighter. Friends and family grew closer. Old friends got together and new friendships were made. Distant family reunited, and every family spent more time together. Everyone prayed. Peace and love reigned. Lives were changed forever. It was good. The world was a better place. The miracle had happened. God was pleased."

Tuesday, August 8, 2006 7:36 PM CDT

Pray for the peace of Jerusalem: they shall prosper that love thee. Psalm 122:6.

7 REASONS WHY WE SHOULD PRAY FOR ISRAEL

God has certainly not yet finished with Israel... Has God cast away His people? Certainly not! God has not rejected His people whom He fore-knew (Rom 11:1- 2)
Again I shall rebuild you and you shall be rebuilt, oh virgin of Israel (Jeremiah 31:3) The gifts and callings of God are irrevocable … (Rom 11:29)

The Word of God commands us to … Pray for the peace of Jerusalem (Psalm 122:6) You who call upon the name of the Lord, give Him no rest until He establishes Jerusalem as a praise in all the Earth (Isaiah 62:6 – 7) Let the priests, the ministers of the Lord, weep between the porch and the altar, and let them say, “Spare thy people, oh Lord” (Joel 2:17)

The Church has a continuing interest upon the past, present and future of Israel. Remember that it is not you who support the root, but the root that supports you (Rom 11:17, 18). Who are Israelites; to whom pertaineth the adoption, the glory, and the covenants, and the giving of the law, and the service of God, and the promises; whose are the fathers, and from whom, as concerning the flesh, Christ came … (Rom 9:4- 5)

The Gentiles have benefited from the Jewish people’s fall... Through their fall, salvation is come to the Gentiles (Rom 11:11). If the casting away of them be the reconciling of the world, what shall the receiving of them be, but life from the dead? (Rom 11:15).

God loves Israel – If we have His love and His Spirit, shouldn’t we? I shall be the God of all the families of Israel, and they shall be my people. ….Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love. (Jeremiah 31:1, 3) But touching the election, they are beloved for the fathers’ sake (Romans 11:28). For he that toucheth you, toucheth the apple of His eye (Zechariah 2:8).

Messiah’s return to take up His 1000 year reign is dependant on Israel’s salvation. Whom the heaven must receive until the times of restitution of all things, which God hath spoken by the mouth of all his holy prophets since the world began. (Acts 3:21) Ye shall not see me henceforth till ye shall say “Blessed is he that cometh in the name of the Lord.” (Matt 23:39) Behold He cometh with clouds and every eye shall see him, and they also who pierced Him. (Rev 1:7)

And I will bless them that bless thee, and curse him that curseth thee: and in thee shall all the families of the earth be blessed. (Genesis 12:3)

Sunday, July 2, 2006 8:59 AM CDT

I am looking for 1000 moms to join with me, to make a difference!

My mission:

To Create a safer environment for my children, your children, and the children of the world.

To Protect the children the best that we can from harmful environmental toxins, that may lead to childhood cancer or other illness.

To Give to other Children around the world that are suffering and dying from lack of nutrition, through the Empower Humanitarian Program.

If you have similar interests and would like to learn more, please check out the website listed below.

Blessings to you- Michelle

www.1000moms1000dollars.com/4yourkids

Monday, June 5, 2006 8:23 PM CDT

Searching for something greater in your life.....a greater purpose, a greater opportunity?

Something that touches the lives of other’s in a significant way, even Life-changing?

Just imagine…

Having the time to enjoy the things in your life that are really important.

Being able to have that precious time with your children.

Being able to touch the lives of others in way that will better their health.

Less stress. Flexible schedules. Vacation days as needed.

Make your dreams come true by joining the 1000 Moms team.

I am looking for 1000 moms to join with me to make a difference!

My mission:

To Create a safer environment for my children, your children, and the children of the world.

To Protect the children the best that we can from harmful environmental toxins, that may lead to childhood illness.

To Give to others in need through our Empower Humanitarian Program.

The journey of having a child with childhood cancer, or any other illness and the journey of living life without my child here in my arms....is a journey that I would like to spare any other parent from having to experience. The heartache is deep...and goes without end. My desire is to find a team that will stand beside me and work with me to inform other's on environmental toxins and to protect as many children as we can. To make a difference.

If you have similar interests and would like to learn more, please check out my website listed below.

Blessings to you- Michelle

www.1000moms1000dollars.com/4yourkids

Monday, May 15, 2006 8:27 AM CDT

Thank you to all of you who remember the little boy.

We appreciate your love.

Blessings to you.

Sunday, April 23, 2006 8:40 PM CDT

A special thank you to those who asked for Jackson's testimony. My prayer is that it blesses you in the most special way.

I feel that there are 2 things that I am here to share about. The first and most important being Jack's spiritual testimony. It was so special to me and our family. Things we had never been a witness to before, until Jackson came along. I don't know that I put into words anything to even come close to describing it, but I tried the best that I could.

The 2nd being the information that we have studied on with environmental toxins; household, personal care products, air, water, food. Facts that are hidden from us as US Citizens. Facts that everyone has the right to know. Facts that are known to cause cancer and many other degernative diseases. Things that we use in every day life that are known to cause cancer. Unbelievable that this can even take place....and then there are the big companies spending billions of dollars a year looking for the "cure for cancer". Perhaps an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

Once again, if anyone has interest in either of these please let me know.

I read the post from Mike's aunt about our Easter and how much Jackson loved riding in her van. That was Jackson's last Easter with us, and he was just given a month to live. She was so kind and let us take her luxury travel van to bring our whole family in. :) Plenty of room to keep Jack comfortable. We will never forget all of the kind things she did for him and our family. A very special person....a very warm heart. We love you.

We had a wonderful Easter this year. The most amazing time I have ever experienced. The downpouring of the Holy Spirit among the services there were absolutely beyond description. As the final singing service was finishing, there were witnesses outside that seen a cloud come down from the sky and go under and through the tent. I was on the backside of the tent, and I could feel something different and amazing happening. Well...I could write forever about that weekend. I hope that you all had a blessed weekend too.

Until next time...

Sunday, March 26, 2006 3:46 PM CST

Jackson has a wonderful testimony.

I have tried to share it on here and personally with others. I am not always sure what else I can do with it, and how much of it I am supposed to share.

Many times I come on here and I see that no one posts on the guestbook or they don't write personally through the email link. What does that mean? Are they getting anything from what I post? Is it meant for anyone?

I have shared the testimonies through the years that I have kept this journal going. I want to at this time offer to anyone who is interested, to be a witness to some of the special things that God has given for us.

I have a 9 page writing from another mom sharing her son's experience with angels during his treatment time at Children's. It is a spectacular testimony.

I have the photo of Jackson's Light in our living room.

I have a photo of Jackson's button that formed little red droplets over his photo, yet under the plastic.

I have some written testimonies of events with Jack.

I have the tapes and tracts of the Ministry that Jackson talked about and taught us so much about.

I believe that it all is Supernatural, given by God for His Glory.

I share these things humbly, and because I strongly feel that Jackson had a reason and a purpose in his short little life. I believe that God was working through his life to be a Light to others. To teach us something that we need to know.

Anyone who is interested, please email me on the link below.

I feel that time is short here on this earth. That the hour is so much later then anyone thinks.

Please pray about these things, and if you feel led to share in this I would love to get them to you.

Blessings to all.

Saturday, March 11, 2006 7:00 PM CST

It is our 17th wedding anniversary. The number 17 had a huge significance in our time with Jackson. I am expecting a special year.

I usually second-guess some of the writings I put on here, mostly because I concern myself with how others may perceive certain things...but then I reaffirm to myself that all that I share is of the deepest truth, as true as I know it....fully knowing that I will be held accountable one day for all that I have said and done.

With that, I have some things to share and trust that they will be a blessing to someone...somewhere...somehow.

In the last month we have had a few experiences with our family hearing a small boy calling "mom". Our oldest son heard it in the middle of the night a few weeks back. He thought it was Joe. He asked me the next morning why Joe was calling for me. I never heard it and Joe was sleeping right next to me. Then last week, Mike and I were in the office and he walked into the living room...having heard a small boy calling for me. Once again thinking it was Joe, but it was not.

I am not sure what exactly this is meaning..but surely something.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006 6:12 PM CST

I was listening to K102 today on the way home from dropping off Joe at school. They are doing the fundrasing for St. Judes. To hear the stories of the other children that battled cancer just brought the emotions flooding once again. It is very hard for me to think about the children and all that they have to endure.

Losing a child is so beyond desciption.

Surely having the strength to press on is only from Him.

I also know that if I didn't have 3 other children here to occupy my time, that I don't know how I would even go on. The grief becomes extremely unbearable.

I was having thoughts in the middle of the night a few nights back about our last night with Jack. The events of the next morning. All that Jack went through. All that we went through.

The timing was so unexpected and shocking. Still too hard to think about. My mind races at the thought.

Still--Jackson's testimony was so incredible. That is what carries me. Still to this day having some amazing experiences.

I was driving home from a meeting one Sunday night a few weeks back, and a song came on the radio from Brooks and Dunn called I Believe. I made a mental note about how I liked the song...but I had pulled into the driveway and shut off the vehicle, not listening to the rest. The next night I was coming home again from a meeting and the song came on the radio again. This time I was able to listen to it, again thinking that I liked that song. As I looked down at the radio, the digital banner that would normally read the name of the song, the artist, and the radio station....was not....all it said the entire time, was JACK.

Miracles happen to them that believe.

Only Believe.

Thursday, February 9, 2006 1:04 PM CST

CURIOUS GEORGE
He was a good little monkey and always very curious.

When Jack was about 3 years old, he developed a real liking to Curious George. We had a few movies that he enjoyed watching. When we were at the hospital he had a few Curious George toys and a balloon. They made him happy.

I had 2 close friends that ordered him a few of the older movies off Ebay. The movies came within a week after Jackson passed I think. We had another balloon, at his service.

We started a Curious George Collection and have it on a shelf in our office area. Over the time since Jack has passed we have found many special items, and have received some from others that have remembered Jackson with little gifts for his shelf. It has become a very special way to give something for Jackson.

The new Curious George movie opens tomorrow. I can't wait to go see it. If anyone reads this and goes to see the movie, I hope that you will enjoy it and will remember the little boy- Jackson Ben.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005 3:29 PM CST

Christmas 2005

Our warmest greetings to you, our family and friends. We trust that this letter finds you doing well. We think of you often and keep you close in heart.

This last year has brought many changes…but change is constant, as they say. We have learned that in the grandness of life that many of these changes are more welcome, and the ones that we tend to worry about are really stepping-stones to bring us to somewhere else where we need to be. Jackson Ben and his little life testimony taught us a lot about the value of life’s lessons. Keeping priorities. Valuing our children and the moments during the day with them. Keeping the Word as our focus. Praying for others. Loving one another. Regardless of how things sometimes appear, trusting that there is a plan for our lives and that all is well in Him. Finding peace. Making healthier life choices. Finding Truth. Listening. Sharing the Message.

We enjoyed many wonderful blessings as well through the year and would like to share some of them with you. We were able to take a few trips to see places we had never been. Simple trips perhaps, but such an amazing blessing at each one…and then the annual hunting week for Mike, Jake and Jessie up at the cabin that they so enjoy. The time that they are able to spend together, and a safe and successful hunt.

Joe is in preschool this year and loving it. His teacher said he is a real sweetheart. He loves to sing and to draw. He reminds me in many ways of Jackson Ben. Jake is a freshman now, and has grown almost 8 inches this last year! Yes, he is taller then his parents. For sure. We had a wonderful time watching him play football this fall. He loved it. He was able to play enough Varsity to letter, so that was exciting. Now he is in basketball…and planning a trip to Amsterdam/Paris next summer with his class. Jessie is a senior. We are making plans for graduation. She has enough credits to be done with her classes at semester if all goes accordingly. That is only a few weeks away! She has managed to keep a full school schedule along with work. Little Ms. Krysten Rose is 17 months old now. We often call her “Pretty”. She is as sweet as can be. Anytime she is here, the house is filled with her tiny little footsteps and talking noises. She is still just a peanut… about a pound for every month old she is. Adam is doing well, and is a great daddy to little Ms. Rosie-girl. As for Mike and I, we are still working from our home office: Log homes/Timber framed/cedar rails. Also sharing health care studies with all who are interested. We are working on another fundraising effort for childhood cancer and the Ronald Mc Donald house. Our hearts work, for Jack…and for all of the sick kids that we met along the journey.

May 2006 bring your family good Health, Peace, Wisdom & Abundant blessings!
Until we meet again ~ Mike and Michelle, Jess, Jake & Joe

Thursday, November 10, 2005 8:18 PM CST

We had parent/teacher conference tonight. Joe's teacher mentioned that he is always talking about his brother Jackson. He will sing songs to his teacher and tell her that they were Jackson's favorite. He sang to her, "you are my sunshine". It was sweet to hear...although very saddening, as Joe really doesn't understand who Jack is and where he is.

We have 3 children here in school, but are always reminded of the one that never went to school.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005 10:43 AM CDT

The last month has went by so fast. I had wanted to write about Jackson's birthday, as it really was very special. It was the most beautiful and sunny day. Very peaceful. I went out to the cemetary at lunch time and sat by myself for awhile. I found a huge yellow mum that I placed there with a birthday balloon. Later that evening we had both grandma's stop over, and we went to Jack's garden to sing a few songs and let 8 yellow balloon's go. It is something that we do every year. A special time. It was a good day.

We ran into a very sweet lady the other day in the grocery store. She had been Mike's teacher, and then Jessie and Jakes as well. The kids just love her. She holds a dear place in our hearts. Anyway...she said to Mike and I, that she had thought of Jackson on Sept. 16 as she had remembered it was his birthday. She said she thought of him more often then that, but did think of him on that day. I had tears come to my eyes right away. Just the thought of someone that we hardly talk to or that isn't part of our family, yet she remembered Jackson Ben on his birthday.

It is a special blessing that in this fast paced world where everyone has their own full schedule, that someone takes the time to let you know that they think about your son.

Monday, September 12, 2005 3:26 PM CDT

I have had numerous dreams about a nuclear situation. I don't know what to say about it except I think the days here are surely numbered.

I also keep thinking about the fault line in California and wonder how long before a big earthquake there.

So many things on my heart, and so much chaos all around.

I pray that everyone is ready.

Jackson's birthday coming up on Friday. My words can never begin to express how we miss him.

Saturday, August 13, 2005 9:27 PM CDT

Jackson had an amazing testimony, and for that we are truly thankful and blessed. I never in my life seen and experienced the miracles that I seen in my short time with him. It was very real. I know that some may not understand, but it was all real and true. As true as my son's life. Jackson spoke to us many times concerning this ministry. More then a boy of his age and words could even know how to speak. When I heard that there was a missionary tour coming through the country, and that one of the stops was close by, I felt led to share it here as well for all and anyone who feels led to go. You would be welcome.

Catch the Vision tour

August 16 - Brooklyn Center MN
Days Inn
1501 Freeway Blvd
Brooklyn Center, MN

Exhibits: 5 pm
Missionary Meeting: 7:30 pm
Contact: Brother Scott Carlon
(612) 775-5647

meetings also in other parts of the country for those interested, just send me an email.

blessings to all.

Tuesday, August 9, 2005 2:46 PM CDT

It is hard to believe that the summer has went by so fast.....the days are just flying.

We have had a real busy time these last few weeks with the children and their events. Both Jessie and Jake were exhibitors at the Polk County Fair which literally was a full week of action this last month. Both had animals that made the sale auction. Jake's animal took Grand Champion, so that was exciting. Mike also was a buyer this year in the auction for his first time there, and he bought Jake's exhibit. So it was special. Joe enjoyed the fair and the animals, but the days are too long for him for 3 days straight.

We have had many special testimonies again these last few weeks, and I am always in awe of the mighty works of the Lord. Some so small and special that it seems everyone could miss it if they weren't watching. We had a special testimony concerning Jackson as well over the fair. When it was listed in the local paper of the entrants and their awards, they listed Jessie and Jake correctly..and then in the listing of the Grand Champion winner which was Jake's category, the newspaper wrote: Jack Espeseth-Grand Champion. We all smiled when we read that. So true to our hearts.

Jake started football practice this week and we are getting things in order for another year coming soon. Joe will be going to preschool and was excited to get his "school supplies". That was his big words. I am not sure how I will feel about him going to school, but I think he is more then ready to join in.

I will keep you posted.

Blessings to all.

Monday, July 4, 2005 11:05 PM CDT

Happy 4th to everyone. I hope that the little children found some joy watching the fireworks tonight. Joe had a great time. He kept saying, "that it SO awesome. " I keep thinking of how much fun Jackson and Joe would have together. Joe is so much like him.

It has been a busy time here as usual. Baby Krysten turned 1 year old on the 1st and Joe will be 5 years old tomorrow on the 5th. I tucked Joe in bed late tonight, and I told him that this would be the last night ever that he would be 4 years old. When he wakes up in the morning he will be 5. He just smiled and closed his eyes.

We were remembering tonight of the times that we had Jackson on a July 4th, and what we did. His last one was the most fun for him. We were at Mike's aunt and uncles and he really enjoyed himself. That must have been the night before I had Joseph. That was a very special time for us.

I wanted to mention that there have been quite a few children in the last few months in our surrounding area that were diagnosed with cancer. It is so sad to hear about. My heart goes out to those families, along with my prayers.

I will write again soon. Blessings to you all.

Tuesday, June 7, 2005 8:38 PM CDT

Last night I went to the local Compassionate Friends meeting. They had a meal and a balloon release. I took Joe with me. It was very confusing for him. I told him that we were going to send Jack a balloon. He kept asking me if we were going to see Jackson there. How do you tell a 4 year old where his brother is? Joe wrote his name on a card and attached it to a balloon and enjoyed watching it float up, higher and higher.

Thank you for stopping by today....blessings to you.

Sunday, May 15, 2005 8:28 AM CDT

Mike was alone with Jackson on the morning of May, 15 2001. 4 years ago to this date that they were in the hospital for a fever and pain, which turned out to be an intestinal infection the doctors believe. 4 years ago that Mike layed down with Jackson around 4:00 a.m. and they said their prayers. "Now I lay me down to sleep...if I should die before I wake...." At 5:07a.m. Jackson left this scene to go on to something greater.

Last night Mike prayed and asked the Lord to wake him up at 5:07 this morning. At 5:07 Mike sat up in bed and looked at the clock.

I couldn't put into words what the days are like without Jackson. I have come back to update this page numerous times the last few months. The writing about grief below speaks so much truth. I thought I would leave it on here.

Thank you to all who stop and to those that have remembered our precious boy. May the Lord bless you for your kindness to us.
*******

"Grief is laughing with your children and wishing for the absent one to make the circle complete.

Grief is crying in your car at stoplights.

Some days grief makes you brutally honest; other days,grief muzzles you.

Grief reconstructs your heart.

Grief is sadness, hope, smiles and tears - rolled tightly like a snowball.

Grief makes you search past the stars and the moon for Heaven.

Grief strips you of everything you were pretending to be.

Grief gives you new priorities.

Grief opens hidden treasures from deep within your soul.

Grief allows you to empathize more deeply with others who ache.

Grief makes you unapologetically bold.

Grief is a daily companion, best dealt with by admitting you do walk with it, even after all these years.

Grief is the price of love; grief is a gift."

Allow yourself time to listen to the sounds of the night and write what grief is to you.

~reprinted from "How to Make A Family" The Expanded Sky

Sunday, March 13, 2005 8:49 PM CST

I read this on another child's website that someone had shared in a guestbook entry. It rang true to my own heart as well, and I wanted to share a portion of it here.

"Grief is laughing with your children and wishing for the absent one to make the circle complete.

Grief is crying in your car at stoplights.

Some days grief makes you brutally honest; other days,grief muzzles you.

Grief reconstructs your heart.

Grief is sadness, hope, smiles and tears - rolled tightly like a snowball.

Grief makes you search past the stars and the moon for Heaven.

Grief strips you of everything you were pretending to be.

Grief gives you new priorities.

Grief opens hidden treasures from deep within your soul.

Grief allows you to empathize more deeply with others who ache.

Grief makes you unapologetically bold.

Grief is a daily companion, best dealt with by admitting you do walk with it, even after all these years.

Grief is the price of love; grief is a gift."

Allow yourself time to listen to the sounds of the night and write what grief is to you.

~reprinted from "How to Make A Family" The Expanded Sky

I am reminded of a few comments that have been made to me about the different emotions that I have expressed here in this journal. I would like to also remind others, that this has been a 5 year journey. I have felt every emotion that one could feel. This is a journal, and that is one way of working through the grief...by expressing the feelings.

Thank you to all that have been so supportive to me, my family, and our precious little boy....Jackson Ben.

Sunday, February 20, 2005 6:18 PM CST

We just arrived back home from a visit at the Ronald McDonald House. We have wanted to bring down this year's donations for quite some time. Even without our race this year, our fund was able to get a good amount of gifts donated.

It is always special for us to be able to walk through the building and think back to our time there. Mike was there the most with Jackson, and I can see it in his eyes everytime we walk through those doors. It is such an emotional rollercoaster. So many memories everywhere you look. We are hoping to plan a date for our family to serve dinner there one night.

I wanted to say a special thank you to Robin for the beautiful gift that you sent to us. Your thoughtfulness and warm heart are such a blessing to us.

Blessings to all.

Sunday, January 9, 2005 7:31 PM CST

This was sent to me last May 15th. It was written by Jackson's aunt.

I had meant to post it earlier, as I thought it was real special.

J oyful
A dorable
C urious
K ind
S pecial
O ften in our thoughts
N ice

B eautiful & Brave
E veryday in our hearts
N ever Forgotten

Sunday, December 19, 2004 9:25 PM CST

It is very cold here in Wisconsin...although we still have no snow. Perhaps for Christmas.

All of the children were home this weekend, so that has been real nice. It seems like there is someone always asking them to do something. It was just so nice to have everyone sleeping here Friday night with no where to go. :)

I am all ready for the holidays. Tomorrow will be for baking. I am looking forward to a relaxing week...and just enjoying with the family.

I have some friends from the 8th floor of Children's that I still need to send a card out to. Nurse Jean is our favorite. She surely was Jackson's best, as she worked so well with him. Even with his fits of anger over the blood draws and medicine, she always made Jack feel special.

Too many holidays spent in the hospital.

The Candle Light service was very nice. It hit me harder this year. There are so many parents right from our area that have lost a child. It is different to all be in the same room, sharing a common grief.

I pray that each of you have a special holiday season, and may 2005 bring you great joy and abundant blessings.

Sunday, December 12, 2004 2:53 PM CST

Tonight we will be attending the Compassionate Friends Candlelight Service, and a candle will be lit for Jackson Ben at 7:00 p.m. It is 4th year already that we have been going. Our first time was 7 months after Jack passed.

When I am there I think not only of Jack, but of every child that I have heard of or have met that has also passed. They all are in my heart, as are their families.

Every night I pray for all of the "sick kids" as Jackson used to pray. I also pray for comfort for those who have lost a child. I had an article here a few years back, about wearing that crown that no one else wants to wear. Being part of that "club" that no other parent ever wants to join.

Sunday, November 21, 2004 1:08 PM CST

I'm thankful...for Calvary, because there Jesus gave to me everything that I'll ever need or want; all I have to do is accept it.

I'm thankful...for the love of a Heavenly Father, Who is God of this vast universe, Creator of all things; yet He takes time out to call me by name and be a Father to me.

I'm thankful...that when day came to an end last night, and it was time for me to rest, my Father didn't say, "Oh no, young lady! Get up and straighten all of this mess out that you left!" Instead, He watched over me, all night, while I rested, and He smiled on me, though I had made so many mistakes.

I'm thankful...that when I woke up this morning I realized that, even though lots of times yesterday I didn't do my best at all, still my Father has made another day today, and I can walk and rejoice in it.

I'm thankful...when I feel like I've gone as far as I can go, and nothing is going right, Jesus is ever at the right hand of the Father, and He is interceding for you and for me.

I'm thankful...that, when I stumble and make such a mess, my Father doesn't throw the clay away; over and over He takes me back to the Potter's wheel, and He takes out all the rough places & smoothes out all the kinks I put there so carelessly.

I'm thankful...that I have food on my table and shoes on my feet; I have a roof over me, and a good place to sleep. Jesus left all of Heaven's splendor, came to earth, and was born in a lowly manger, that I might have these things I so often take for granted.

I'm thankful...that Thanksgiving Day is just around the corner, and hundreds everywhere will be preparing a feast, and good times with family, but He's taught me that, thanks to Calvary, there's a day coming when we can join the marriage feast in Heaven, and that all have a chance to go.

I'm thankful...that God doesn't give us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

I'm thankful...that in the midst of heartache, it's God Himself Who wipes away our tears.

I'm thankful...for a Godly heritage and for parents who taught me that God is LOVE, eternally.

I'm thankful...for friends like you, who, even though they have problems of their own, take time to be their brother's keeper.

I'm thankful...that there was a Calvary; that Jesus gave His life for me, and that now I can face a future with a smile, because He will never leave me or forsake me.

Will you tell the Father, today, that you're thankful that He loves you and that He made you what you are today? Will you let Him know that you know He's not finished with you
yet, and that you'll let Him make you into a vessel of honor for Him, today?

I'm thankful...for you, and I hope God makes you a blessing to others today; you have surely blessed me. I pray that His blessings will be bountiful in your life today.

In the Precious Name of our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ.
Amen.

Saturday, November 13, 2004 11:49 AM CST

It has been too long since my last entry. I keep coming here, but am not always led to write. So many things I would like to say...but can't seem to find the inspiration to do so.

Life has been so busy that I seem drained many days...but I love the busy days...as they always revolve around the children which are my focus, and the business which I appreciate and love as well.

The children are doing so good. Every day I watch them and I am so thankful to be there mom. They make me feel proud, just watching them grow.

We have had some wonderful experiences this last month. One on my birthday that brought Jackson so real to me. And one the other night. Did anyone see the Northern Lights? I have never in my life seen anything like we seen last Sunday evening. I heard the 6 o'clock town whistle go off as we were outside, to mark the time. We all stood out there in complete awe. The lights were so bright, coming down in huge beams from above. And over our field, it looked like they were all crossing in a peak, and they had a reddish hue. It was something.

Sunday, October 31, 2004 8:12 PM CST

Last day of October. The Presidential Election in 2 days.
I urge everyone to vote. Please take the time to be informed on the candidates and the issues. I hear so many that are misinformed and hearing what they want to hear. Know that we all are accountable for each and every action, thought and word. Trust that whatever the outcome of the election, that God is always on control. My stand for the election must line up with the one who I feel is the same man on Saturday night that he is on Sunday morning. The one who keeps all in prayer and isn't afraid to make that stand for what he believes. I fully realize that many around me are voting opposite, but I do what is right in my heart. You know what they say about discussing politics and religion....

And on a personal note: missing Jackson Ben more then ever. Joe asks everyday for someone to play with him. I can't help but think about his brother that we all miss in our lives. They would be having the best time together.

Saturday, October 16, 2004 12:05 AM CDT

We had our first snow fall here this morning. I love to watch the look on a small child's face as that snow is coming down. They get so excited. Joe was standing in the office with me, looking out the window. He wanted to get his boots and gloves on to go out to see the snow. He started to talk about how we would have to build a snow man and how we would have to find Frosty a nose. A child can see things so simply.

A few hours later, the snow is melted. The gloves and socks are wet. The hands are cold. So quickly the tears come. Now, after a game of hide and seek, some tater hotdish and some Blue's Clues...Life is good...again.

May your day be blessed!

Sunday, October 3, 2004 12:25 AM CDT

We were invited to go to the Ronald McDonald House today for a 25th year celebration. It would be a beautiful day to go. Mike and I and the kids have been sick all week, and so we had to postpone the visit. Surely not a place to go with a runny nose. My heart is there today though.

I heard from a few mothers this last week that are special to us. One we met on 8th floor Mpls. Childrens and one we met at Fairview Bone Marrow transplant. Both of their boys touched our heart in a deep way. Both of their boys passed before Jackson. Such sweet little guys. It is really something how people that were strangers can have a very deep love and appreciation for the children and the families and how that bond is so strong. How they never forget your child, nor we will ever forget their children.

I had watched the Presidential Debate the other night. You can just feel that times are changing. The 4 hurricanes in Florida these last few months. The earthquakes. The volcanos errupting. I remember learning years ago about California, being on that fault line. What erruption will occur when that portion just slips off into the ocean.

I believe that we all have special gifts and blessings given to us. My husband is a dreamer. He has had numerous dreams over the years that have come to pass. I am also a dreamer. Both of us have had many dreams about a nuclear bomb or explosion. In all of them we knew it was the end. My last one was not very long ago. I remember holding my family as we were running through a town. I remember saying, it is happening.

There are so many people in the world that haven't a care about what will happen to us. There are so many that truly don't know. There are so many that haven't read. My heart aches for those. The Bible isn't a story, it is a map that gives us all we need to know.

I have a lot on my mind lately. Not always easy to know which things to write about and what to keep to myself. I just thank you for stopping by.

Thursday, September 16, 2004 10:05 PM CDT

7 years ago...our precious little boy was born, in the wee hours of the morning. 12:58 a.m. We had thought that he would be born on the 15th, as I was in labor pretty much all day...but he had his own timing on the matter. Jackson Ben was 8#1.5 oz. 21 in.

7 years old seems like such a big boy to me. I spent the day imagining what he would be doing or saying. How he would look and talk.

Each year we have had a pizza party and cake for our family supper on Jack's birthday. Tonight was no different. Jackson loved a birthday party. Loved the cake and candles the most. So we had a Spiderman party, as that seems to be a popular choice amongst the 7 year olds these days. Joe blew out the candles for his brother Jackson. We brought our yellow balloons out to the garden and sang a few songs and let them fly away.

Joe asked me tonight why Jackson wasn't at the party, and when was he coming back home.

Life will never be the same. Those who know me, know how very hard this day is for me. So much harder then May 15th.

It was a blessing to come here tonight and read the entries from family and friends, and even those whom I have not met.

I thank you for thinking of us here, and for remembering our little boy... Jackson Ben, on the occasion of his 7th birthday.

Monday, August 23, 2004 5:31 PM CDT

Hello again...

so hard to believe that school starts in about a week. The summer has certainly flown by here at our house. All of the plans that we had hoped to do this summer, and so many left undone. We hopefully will squeeze in a few more these last few days of summer. The children seemed to enjoy themselves, regardless, and had quite an eventful summer!

It is such a blessing to be able to stay home with the children and watch them grow. I appreciate that more and more as the years go by. I have enjoyed my time with each of them this summer. Mike has also been working close to home, which has been wonderful. Last year he was out of town for about 10 weeks on a job location with only visits every other weekend, so this has been good for us all.

All ready for school...just a socks left to get. Amazing how many packs of socks we all go through. Lost in the laundry I guess.

That makes me remember the time that we had found a pair of mud stained socks in the wash, that belonged to Jackson. It was a few months after he passed I think. I would have to go back and check...but they they were, in the washer, and no one knew how or why.

Baby Krysten is fine as well. Growing so much every week. She visits the dr. on Friday. I will update next week about her.

Thank you Robin for the special card and for always being so thoughtful and supportive.

Blessings to you all.

Tuesday, August 17, 2004 11:51 AM CDT

I was thinking about some misconceptions that I had heard said lately. One thing was that if something bad happens to someone, that they must be a bad person or have done something bad. That God must be punishing them.

Of course my belief is that, people that make statements like that are foolishly blind. Some of the most devoted Christians I know have been through the biggest trials.

I was reading a chapter in the Bible this morning.
1 Peter:4. Anyone needing clarification on that should read that chapter.

1 Peter 4:12-13

12 Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though it is some strange thing happened unto you:

13 But rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ's sufferings; that, when his glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy.

All of God's children have to be tried and tested, to be more like Him. We are just thankful here to be called one of His children.

Another thing that we had heard about a month ago, was that our family were all very concerned for us when we accepted our salvation, thinking that we were fanatical and into something that we shouldn't be. As much as I appreciate their concern, I find it very odd to know that family took the time to sit around and talk about us. As the years have passed, I have seen other family members one by one, also give their lives to the Lord. I couldn't be more thankful to hear of this.

I am thankful also for the times of testing that we have went through and will continue to go through. It is a refining process to get more of the old person out and to build faith. Jackson taught us a lot about that. His life and testimony is a huge part of what has changed our family here.

Thursday, August 5, 2004 3:37 PM CDT

hi again...

thank you for stopping by. We all are doing well. It has been a very busy time. We have a full schedule with work and the children. I will give you a brief update:

Jessie is doing well. She is getting things in order for school. She just finished up at the county fair and did well. Baby Krysten is growing fast and filling out. She is already over 1 month old and is up to 5 lbs. 14 oz. She will see the dr. tomorrow.

Jake has finished all of his basketball and football camps. He is busy with organizing his room that we have just finished re-doing. He also is riding mini-bike and 4-wheeler with friends. Lots of time swimming and boating as well.

Joe is enjoying himself and learning all kinds of new things. He spent the first few months of summer playing outside 10 hours per day and enjoying playing at the park or with his dog. Now, he has become fascinated with the fact that he knows how to play video games and thinks that it is great fun. He has changed a lot these last few weeks. The other day he was watching a Yoga exercise and really took note of the stretching. He loves to exercise on his mat.

Jackson has been in my thoughts nonstop lately. I sure do miss him. I had went through some of his clothes the other day and I came across a bright blue tote in his closet. When I opened the tote, Jackson's scent was so strong in there. Everytime I took a deep smell, I could just feel his warmth right there. I am so thankful that the clothes still smell like him. Another special blessing.

Mike and I have been organizing the home. It feels good. I function much better in a clean environment. Now to just get to the garage....

I will write again soon. Blessings to all.

Sunday, July 25, 2004 4:22 PM CDT

Hello again...

I wanted to write about 2 different experiences that happened here last week. I realize that these may sound odd, but they happened as true as can be.

One evening I walked in to our office area, which is next to the boys bedroom. Jake slept in there, then Jackson, and now Joseph. As I walked in to the office, I seen laying on the floor, the stuffed animal Curious George and also a stuffed animal black bear. Both that were for Jackson that were given to us. They were laying on the floor, together, in the middle of the office. The black bear had rolled as though some one had just thrown it and it was landing. I said to Mike and Joe that were in the bedroom...who threw that bear in here. Mike replied that no one had done that. So I explained to him, and he said no, that they hadn't even moved from what they were doing.

A few days later, I had woke up in the morning and had went to the office to turn on the computer. As I entered the office, I seen that a set of deer horns that were hanging on the wall had fallen. When I looked on the desk, I seen that it had knocked down a few items. One was an envelope that was filled with photo postcards of Jackson. They were fanned out on the floor. The other item was on the desk. It was a fax, dated May 15th. The day that Jackson passed.

Things that this do happen quite a bit, but they haven't happened so much lately. It always is special...and always makes me curious as to what to expect next. :)

Just thought I would share...thanks for stopping by.

Friday, July 9, 2004 5:03 PM CDT

It seems I have been behind on my updates. I have so many things going on...I really don't know where to start.

Jackson is in our hearts and our thoughts every hour of every day. I have known all along that this is something that will never be easier. I also have known all along that this is such an amazing experience and testimony that I could only appreciate the journey that has come along with it. Some people go their whole lives and never know what we have been able to see. It has been a blessed time.

I will also say that we do have some family news here that has kept us quite busy. Our daughter, has become a mother. She had a baby girl on July 1 named Krysten Rose. Krysten was born 7 weeks early but is doing very well. She was flown out to NICU and hopefully will be able to come home real soon. She is a sweet little peanut of a girl and we are blessed to have her in our lives. Our daughter also had a wedding that was very small and private. Her and her husband are doing very well.

Lots of hard decisions to make. God led us through each of them. He gave us direct leading on the situation, and gave us word on the baby and her marriage. Even when things may seems strange to people, His word is never wrong.

So that is my last few weeks, in short version. I will try to get on here again soon. All is well here. Thank you for still thinking of us, and remembering the little boy. Our precious little boy.

Blessings to you all.

Tuesday, June 29, 2004 9:34 PM CDT

It is little Joe's birthday next Monday, July 5. To see him reach his 4th birthday and know that in his short life, he has outlived his brother Jackson is a strange experience. Everything makes me realize how short life really is.

Joe spends a lot of time in Jackson's garden. It is pretty and Joe likes to pull the weeds and talk about Jack. My mom brought over a patriotic star solar light the other night. She and Joe went to put it in the garden together. Joe picked the spot and grandma put it in. The garden is filled with yellows and purples this year. It is a peaceful place to sit.

Thursday, June 17, 2004 10:46 AM CDT

I stopped by the cemetary last night. I am touched by how many people go there and by the special things that are left there for Jackson. Lots of pretty yellow flowers and butterflies. Little trucks. A bracelet that said BEST and had 2 crosses on it. An angel. I bring the items home for his shelf after they have been there awhile.

We were out there on Memorial Day for the veterans honoring as well. My grandpa is buried next to Jack. He was in WW 2. Our family goes out there, and my little cousin who is 2 years younger then Jackson, likes to go to Jack's site. He goes to see " his friend". He knows that Jackson is with Jesus. He puts his little hands on the stone, bows his head and prays each time he is there.

Joe told me and Jessie last week at 2 different times that Jackson is coming to our house pretty soon and that he is coming with Jesus. For those of you who study on the Bible, you will understand what that means.

So much going on in the world today. So much going on at home. Life is busy. Too busy. We just keep pressing on and doing the best that we can.

We keep in prayer for those that have been so kind to us. I thank you for stopping by here today.

Blessings to you.

Saturday, May 29, 2004 6:13 PM CDT

It has been very cool and windy out today. I was able to get Jackson's plants potted for the cemetary. Usually we paint the pot to something that suits things that Jack liked. This year we used a plastic pot as the greenhouse said that the plants wouldn't dry out so easily.

The last two weeks have been busy. I was going to update sooner, but sometimes the words escape me on what to write about. The 15th went alright. My friend brings over yellow balloons each year for Jackson. She is very thoughtful to always remember the date, and his birthday. She had made over 200 balloons for Jack's funeral service that we released after we sang, This Little Light of Mine. So now, our family each brings a yellow balloon out to his garden. We sing a little song, or say a prayer and let them go.

I received some very special cards from people that remembered Jackson. One from a mother that had lost her son David our first year in treatment. Their names were Mike and Michelle, also. And a special gift from Robin who I have met here on Caring bridge. She is a most thoughtful friend. And to all of you that signed in, in remembrance of Jackson Ben...I thank you.

I have spent many days lately watching little Joe. He has used so many phrases that Jack used to say. It catches me away at times. One day I asked Joe a question...he looked at me and said...I don't know mom, I don't know. It was the same tone and the same words that I have Jackson on tape saying. I didn't even know what to think.

The other day I brought Joe out for an ice cream cone. I watched him sit there like such a big boy. It just made me think of how I never was able to do these things with Jack, as he was in treatment for all those months. We never really took him out. It just makes me miss him all the more. I am so thankful for Joe, or I am sure that I would have lost myself somewhere.

May your weekend be a blessed one, and a safe one.

Friday, May 14, 2004 10:25 AM CDT

I wanted to thank each of you that still come by here to check on us and those that leave messages of encouragement for us. It means so much to us to know that people remember Jackson. To know that people everywhere care about his family and like to hear his testimony.

I never want Jackson Ben to be forgotten. He was so very special to us here. It will be 3 years tomorrow. 5:07 a.m. It was a Tuesday morning. May 15th, 2001.

Many days we are lost with out him. I am thankful that the Lord had given us such a spectacular 3 1/2 years with Jack and the testimony was so incredible and so strong. I will never and could never deny or forget the grace and peace that have filled our hearts since the day that Jackson Ben was born...and since he has passed.

Many here have commented on how Jack has touched their lives and perhaps strengthened their prayer life and spiritual walk. Perhaps many don't know that Jackson's life also did that for us. From the minute he was born, our deeper walk with the Lord began.

I have met so many families that are going through this great loss. It is a bond that is shared in the deepest way.

My words really couldn't express the emotions that we go through here on a daily basis. Jackson Ben is a huge part of our family. We love him so very much.

Always missing the little boy.

Our precious little boy.

Saturday, May 8, 2004 2:26 PM CDT

I have been thinking of Mother's Day tomorrow, and how much I have changed my thoughts and desires on things since Jackson has passed. It will be 3 years ago on the 15th that Jack went home.

My last day with him was on Mother's Day 2001. We had stayed up late the night before putting together Mike's new office. Jack had wanted to go to church with me in the morning. I left without him as he was still sleeping. I regret not bringing him with me, as it was something he really wanted to do. He had went with my mom the day before and was planting all of the little purple flowers in the styrofoam cups to hand out at church. I didn't want to wake him up as we were having all of the family over after church for dinner and I didn't want him to be too worn out. His legs had been hurting him again. He was tired and easily aggitated. He really enjoyed that Mother's Day. He played all day with the family. My brother had video taped him playing, in his room and outside. He was happy and giggly. He ran and played like he was 100ealthy. The day went too fast. I didn't have enough time with him. Never enough time alone with my son.

The next morning was his dr. appt. He came home in the afternoon. He was very tired. He had a stomach ache. I knew that something was seriously wrong. I asked Mike and his mom what had happened to him at the doctor. He was in pain.

We had a school band concert that night. I went as our daughter was being recognized for her art award also, besides playing in the band. We left the concert early, and Mike brought Jack back to the city to the hospital. He called me at midnight to say that they were doing fine and would call me in the morning. He called at 5:30 in the morning and told me that Jackson Ben had went home to the Lord.

One thing that many that stop here may not know about Jackson, was that he did not pass from cancer. He passed from a deterioration from all of the chemo. It had damaged his intestinal track and there was a leakage that got into his blood stream and stopped his heart.

So when I received that call from Mike, that is when the real test began for me. Nothing will ever be the same.

Wednesday, April 28, 2004 11:32 AM CDT

I was thinking about when I was pregnant with Jackson.
We went in for an ultrasound one morning, it was one out of many, and Mike was with and also Jessie and Jake.

It was the strangest thing...as they were watching Jack, Jack was watching us it seemed. Everywhere that the ultrasound scope went on my stomach, Jackson's movement would follow. There was a point right before we were finished, that Jackson raised one of his hands and looked like he was waiving to us all.

I remember that we all laughed as it really was like he was waiving to the whole family standing there watching him.

I had ultrasounds with Jessie, Jake, Jackson and Joe. Jackson was the only one that we knew was a boy on the way.

Sunday, April 18, 2004 7:48 AM CDT

One More Valley

When I'm tossed on life's sea and the waves cover me,
And the dark clouds won't let the sunshine through;
Then a voice seems to say, 'Child, there'll be a brighter day,
Don't allow the storm to hide sweet heaven's view.'

Chorus

'Cause you've got one more valley, one more hill,
And you've got one more trial, one more tear;
One more curve in life's road, one more mile left to go,
You can lay down your heavy load when you get home.

Don't let satan see your tears, learn to smile through your fears,
Hold your head up high and give the world a smile:
Just be faithful all the way, 'twill be worth it all someday,
For it will all be over after 'while.

Wednesday, April 7, 2004 11:49 AM CDT

The Dream.

A daughter has always been in a very close walk with the Lord. Since a young age, she has had deep spiritual experiences. The one that I would like to leave you with today involves a dream that she had after returning from our first Easter gathering that we attended in Indiana. Many amazing things happened to us at that time, and this is one that started the revelation that we were given on what the Lord had planned for Jackson Ben.

The Dream took place many months before Jackson was diagnosed.

Our daughter came up stairs one morning and told me that she had a dream that Jesus came to our house on a cloud, down from the sky.

I asked her to sit down and tell me, as I myself have had many dreams from the Lord and knew that He was giving us something that we needed to know.

Our daughter said that we all ran outside because we were so excited that He was here, as His 2nd Coming, and it was time to go.

We all ran up to Jesus and said, He's here! He's Here!

Our daughter said that there were a lot of other people that were surrounding us. They started to cry...may we go? may we go too? and Jesus turned to them and said "no, I am sorry but you are not going with us."

Someone cried out to Jesus and asked, what about Jackson? The people that had brought Jackson to Jesus.

And the Lord said, because of this, you may go with us.

She continued on to tell me about where we went and what she had seen, and all of the beautiful descriptions.

She does not remember it as vividly now as I do. It was many years ago already, but it sticks very imprinted in my memory.

That was the day that I knew that God had a plan for Jackson Ben. One that would be out of my hands. God showed me that Jack was not with us on that day when the Lord would come to get us. He also told me that it would all be alright. God had a plan. He used a little child to speak to many people.

As I read other caringbridge sites, I see that these children touch hundreds of thousands of people. How many people came to prayer more from having their heart touched by an ill child.

When Jack started to become ill and even when he was diagnosed, I was not surprised. I knew all along that something was coming.

God had already told me so.

And when I continued to tell everyone that it was all going to be alright, to expect that miracle. That too was what the Lord told me.

To the natural eye, one could question and wonder why Jack left here early that morning with no sign that it was coming. What was the miracle they may ask...

What was the miracle? How many were brought closer to the Lord? How did God use a small child for His Glory?

Our prayer from the day Jack was diagnosed, was that those that have shown us kindness would be blessed in the most special way. What would be the most special way? What could be better then being brought closer to the Lord? What could be better then someones salvation?

Many family and friends have been a continuous and sincere support for us. Many whom we have never met have shown us nothing but LOVE. God's perfect love. How do even strangers become such dear friends through the love of a child.

We have been so richly blessed. I pray that you have a blessed weekend. I pray that you take this testimony in the spirit and truth that it was written.

A special thank you today to a friend named Robin. Thank you for your support. Thank you for the special gift that you sent this week. God bless you.

Michelle & family

Saturday, March 27, 2004 12:13 PM CST

It is a cool & windy day here in Wisconsin. Where did yesterday's warm weather go?

Jessie and Jake had the day off from school yesterday. It was so nice out. Mike and I took the afternoon off and went to the cities with them. We had a really good time. We found Jessie's prom dress and a few outfits for our trip to New York City. Jake also found a few things. Everything was on sale, so that was an added blessing. We went out for supper on the way home. It was so good to get away with the kids for awhile.

Little Joe spent some time wuth Auntie Donna at her daycare. He was so excited to go and left me at the door as soon as we walked in to drop him off. He has been talking about it all morning here, how much fun he had with the kids. Grandma Bonnie picked him up from there and went back to her house. Joe just loves to go to Grandma Bonnie's. He didn't want to leave yet when we went to pick him up.

Today we are working on Jake's room some more. The remodeling project is taking much longer then projected....and Jake has the smallest room in the house! Mike's schedule is always so busy. Never a quiet moment. Thankfully Jake is not minding sleeping in Jackson's bed. He loves it in there. Jake said that he never sleeps as good as he does in Jack's bed. :)

Monday, March 22, 2004 1:19 PM CST

I watched the segment on KARE 11 last night, about Caringbridge. It was really good. I remember when we first heard about it. It was well after Jack started treatment. Most everyone on the 8th floor had a site for their child.

One of the things that the doctor told us when we first admitted Jack for treatment, was to find a person or persons in our family to be the vocal updater on Jack's progress. They said that it is mentally draining to have to take care of your child and then worry about having to call family and friends to let them know the situation.

We picked my mom and Mike's mom and they were the ones that would call numerous times a day to check on Jack and what the doctor had said for the day.

We also started the Caringbridge page as a way to update and then whoever was interested in knowing themselves could just check in and read.

It was odd how certain people were still offended that we didn't call them directly to keep them updated. Like we didn't have enough to think about.

Yesterday was a really good day. I met with a group of close friends that have been so suppotive to me through this all. It was good to spend time with them.

Mike and I are doing spring cleaning. :) It is more work then we care to do, but it needs to be done. Not much else this week. The kids are all good. Staying busy. Jake is going to the doctor tomorrow. He caught a chest cold a few weeks back and it sounds like bronchitis. Perhaps if he would wear a coat and stay out of the snow and water he wouldn't be so sick. He will be 13 in a few weeks and knows more then him mom, for sure. :)

For some reason I haven't been able to change the background on here the last few times...so fish it is!

Wednesday, March 17, 2004 9:00 PM CST

Mike and I went to the cemetary tonight. It is always so peaceful there. Jack has a nice little spot on top of the hill. He is in between my grandpa and Mike's dad and grandpa. Oddly enough our 2 families are placed right next to each other, with just room enough in the middle for Jackson Ben.

It is a very somber experience to go to the gravesite of ones own child. I know parents that choose to never go to their childs site. Christian parents would know that their child is not really there any way. Their spirit is very much still alive and living in a place that has no comparison of the cold ground where the body lies.

It is extremely hard to think of your child's body lying in the ground.

Mike and I left thinking...this whole experience seems so unreal. We look at pictures of Jack with the kids and it all seems so very unreal. To have a child here and then to have him leave this world before you do, truly has to be the hardest life experience a parent could go through.

Jackson had a little friend at the Ronald McDonald House. His name was Jeramie. Jeramie was the same age as Jack, by a few weeks difference. Jeramie passed 2 months before Jack. March 14.

My heart aches for all of the families that had to endure this crazy journey and the final heartache of it all.

Saturday, March 6, 2004 6:45 PM CST

For anyone in this area, I would advise to listen to KS95 this weekend as they raise money for Children's Cancer Research fund. It will benefit the children at the children's hospital and also Fairview University. 2 places near and dear to my heart. If you can donate to the cause, that would be wonderful.

I layed in bed this morning listening to the stories of each family and child on the radio. It is all I can do to not cry uncontrollably.

It is a whole different world. A club that no body wants to be a part of. A way of life that takes you so far away from the trivial aspects of daily life, that you really can never be the same.

Every day I am reminded of it. It will never be my past. Always my present. Even if I tried, the experience will never fade in my mind.

No day. No experience. No relationship. Nothing will ever be the same.

As I walked on my treadmill yesterday, I focused my eyes on Jack's little kitchen set that he was given when he was in BMT at Fairview. He loved his kitchen set at our home, but we brought him a new one as he couldn't have any germs in his room. Surely, our set at home was full of germs. Anyway, Jack had put all of his stickers from the nurse all over his new kitchen set. The kitchen set traveled to our little house at the Ronald McDonald House...and it traveled back home and is in his daddy's office.

The last weekend Jack was here, we were down stairs working in Mike's office. Mike, Jackson and myself. We were down there until midnight. Jack bumped his head on the desk as we were putting it together. He got a huge lump and a black and blue mark. Mike slightly scolded Jack and told him to be careful, as his platelets were low. Jack started to cry. I went and held him and he quickly stopped. He turned to Mike and said what a beautiful office you have daddy...and they both smiled.

That is what I think of when I am down stairs.

Tuesday, March 2, 2004 12:46 AM CST

Last Saturday night, we went to see the film The Passion of the Christ. There is so much controversy regarding the film. I felt led to go see it. I do not regret going, and surely would not try to stop anyone from going. It was hard to watch, and I turned my head many times. I do not feel that it was too violent. I feel that it was actually so many more times worse then they could have ever portrayed as actors. I feel that it is out at this point in time to get many people to realize what Salvation through Jesus Christ is about. It is not about going to church or calling ourselves Christians, although that is a good thing. It is about living for the Lord and living according to His Word as He commanded us to do so. The Bible says that many people will be "lukewarm". God says that He would spue those people out of His mouth.

Revelation 3
15: I know thy works, that thou art neither cold nor hot: I would thou wert cold or hot.
16: So then because thou art lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spue thee out of my mouth.
17: Because thou sayest, I am rich, and increased with goods, and have need of nothing; and knowest not that thou art wretched, and miserable, and poor, and blind, and naked.

To make that stand and to live with your whole heart for the Lord Jesus Christ as a Christian, brings along trials and persecution. Jesus also said that if we stand for Him here, that He will stand for us before the Father.

That is something invaluable that Jackson Ben brought in to our lives in his little life of 3 1/2 years.

Monday, February 23, 2004 9:19 PM CST

Mike and I took the donations from the Footsteps for Victory childhood cancer awareness race to the Mpls. Ronald McDonald House on Saturday. It was the last of our donations to give out from last September's race. We met with the house manager, and she was very pleased with the donations. It was good to see her again, and to tour the building once again. It is so different then when we stayed there. It has been totally remodeled in the last few years. We also were able to catch up on some of our favorite little friends that are still doing well, so that was good to hear. Mike and I felt such a warm feeling there. We have so many special memories. We also felt a comfort there and knew that the Lord was with us. I believe that He watches over all of those sick little children. I felt Him there. We couldn't help think of how Jackson loved his "little house". He called it that, not that the Ronald House is little, but that our apartment was. They do so much there to make life easier during the time of treatment away from home. It is one place that is dear to our hearts.

Mike and I spent the day together afterwards and really had a great time. We don't get away all that often, and surely we appreciate when we can. My mom had called to take Joe for the day to go play with some cousins. She ended up taking Joe and Jake to a sliding party at my grandma's. The boys had a really fun time. Joe talked about it the whole next day. Jessie watched him Saturday night until Mike and I came home. She is always a good helper in taking care of her brothers.

Joe caught a headcold over the weekend, and is having a hard time tonight. He fell asleep early and has been crying in his sleep about his stuffy nose. My kids hardly ever get sick. I pray it doesn't last long.

We have been busy with some house remodeling and trying to get our jobs in order for the spring. It is a busy time of year...but, aren't they all.

I thank you for stopping by. Until next time....

Wednesday, February 18, 2004 11:49 AM CST

me again...hope that you all are well. Life has been very busy since we returned from our convention trip.

The children are just about to finish up their basketball seasons which will be a great break from the schedules.

Jessie is filling out job applications for part time. She is liking the idea of a cash flow. She also is making plans for next years class schedule and her college plans.

Jake is still enjoying the moments with the abundance of snow fall in the last month. He has been snowmobiling with friends almost daily this last week, and even driving it to school.

Joe is learning every day. He is still potty training, but knows his whole alphabet and has learned to count to at least 14 without skipping a number. He is enjoying the learning process and now he tells us "good job!" when we do something. :)

In a few more weeks, Joe will be exactly Jackson's age when he passed. I see it in him every day, in every move and action. It is odd in many ways, but moreso comforting.

Every day we all share memories of things that Jack did and said. I love that my family here can be that open and appreciate Jackson and his life for what he brought to us all.

The other night we had a ceasar salad with our supper and we were remembering how Jack loved to eat all of the croutons out of our salads. It seems like such a simple thing...and we could just hear that little "crunch..crunch" of his teeth eating them. I wish that you all could see that little face...such a precious boy.

It really is the simple things in life that bring joy. :)

Thursday, February 5, 2004 12:28 AM CST

Once again, it has been awhile since an update. We have been out of town for the last week on a business trip for Mike and one of his log home suppliers. They have their annual convention in Nashville, TN at the Gaylord Opryland Hotel.

We had safe travels all they way until we hit Wisconsin on the way home. It took us an entire day just to get through the snowy roads. Other then that, they trip was enjoyable. We learned a lot.

They had a special presentation on 2 of the projects that Jackson was involved in. The cookbook and Jan's House of Hope. So that was a little emotional for me, but also very heart warming.

Mike's mom stayed here with the children. Surely, we couldn't go much of anywhere over night without her help. We appreciate that so much. Baby Joe asks for both of his grandma's on a weekly basis, so I hope that they enjoy the children as much as the children enjoy them.

Mike also won some great prizes for his sale accomplishments.

It has been non-stop activity since returning home. Still doing laundry. Trying to catch up on all of our business. It is a full schedule as always. I haven't been on line much except to get business emails. So many of you that I intend to write to...please know that I think of you and appreciate your support here.

I will update again soon. All is well here. Hope that you are also.

Sunday, January 25, 2004 12:26 AM CST

Yesterday was spent getting the last of the donations ready from the Footsteps for Victory, our childhood cancer fundraiser held in September.

Our 5th donation is for the Ronald McDonald House. This donation has become my favorite one to do, as it has a more personal touch to it. Last year when we called the Ronald McD house where we stayed for 3 1/2 months, we asked them what their most needed item was. I had been thinking of TV/VCR combos as I remember how we had went through 2 of them while we were there. The kids spend so much time in their rooms that many movies get watched. To my surprise, they didn't need them, but said that what they really wanted was Birthday Party kits. I thought that was a cool idea. Last year we made 2 kits. This year we made 4!

All proceeds from the Star-Star Cafe' concession stand at the Footsteps for Victory race totalled about $500.00. So we were able to get some awesome kits put together.

Our 1st was for a 3 year old boy. It is a Thomas the Train kit. Our 2nd was for a 6 year old boy. It is a Dinosaur party kit. Our 3rd was for a girl any age for a Barbie party. And the 4th was for a teen and it was filled with all really cool items.

All kits included a disposable camera, organic cake mix and frosting, candles, books, activities, toys, cd's, cd player, pj's, t-shirts, hats, games, etc. We put each kit in a clear tote.

I still need to get a few more pair of sunglasses and some batteries before we get them ready to deliver. We were at around $485.00 with everything, so we still have a few dollars to complete the donation.

I was so happy with how they turned out. My favorite of all was for the 6 year old boy, which we do for Jackson. We like to make that one just a little more then the others. Besides the cake and candles which was one thing that Jack loved the most! We found a remote control T-rex from the Discovery Channel that was huge! We also found a large floor puzzle of dinosaurs, 2 books & activity book and movie of the same theme. We filled it with some soft slipper socks, t-shirts, plaid boxers and plaid pj's and a fisherman type hat. All from the Gap and they were too cute.

I remember on my letter of request when we we planning this years fundraiser, I had mentioned our birthday party donations. I suppose without the full knowledge of why these kits are done, one might not appreciate it as much.

The parents at the Ronald McDonald House are often without work. They have uprooted their whole family and life from places all around the world, to come stay for 4 months just in hopes of getting the treatment that the doctors say that their child needs...just to live.

Imagine spending your childs birthday, away from home. In treatment. No family around. Often without both parents and siblings. Often with no money to go get much of a gift. Often too sick to enjoy their birthday. Often their last birthday.

This is why this fundraiser is important to me.

Tuesday, January 20, 2004 3:04 PM CST

In about 6 weeks, Joseph will be the age that Jackson was when he left us here.

Joe has grown to Jackson's size.

There are many clothes of Jackson's that I have packed in totes that will never be worn by anyone else.

There are many of Jackson's clothes still hanging in his closet and on his little closet shelf that holds his favorite "handsome" clothes.

And there are a number of outsfits that are hanging in the boys closet that were bought for Jack, or given to him on his 3rd birthday that he was never able to wear.

The new clothes with the tags still on, I have decided to let Joe wear. They are his brother's clothes, but they fit him now. I believe that Jackson would say, let him wear them mom.

Many of Jackson's favorite shirts, are also very favored by Joe. He likes to carry them around.

Joe tells me, this is Jackson's shirt. This is Jackson's room.

Joe is always talking about his brother Jackson. The one that lives at Jesus house. The one that left when Joe was 10 months old.

Does he remember Jack? I know that Joe knows who his brother Jackson is.

Saturday, January 17, 2004 7:26 PM CST

Today is the 17th. Victory.

The 17th had huge significance in Jackson's life. Many a victory came for him on the 17th day of different months. And in the end, an eternal Victory.

We call our childhood cancer fundraiser "Footsteps for Victory" for a specific reason. It all revolves around Jack's testimony.

I read tonight in the guestbook about Auntie Donna's testimony with the bald eagle today. It spoke volumes to me, and I felt to comment on the experience. Jackson's life brought more bald eagles into our lives then ever before. I believe that Jackson was showing Donna today that he was with her, but moreso it was the Lord.

The Bible speaks often about eagles. Ever since our family gave our lives to the Lord, we have had weekly encounters with eagles. Not only are there weekly encounters, but it is the timing of when the eagle comes to us. It is all about the timing. God times everything in life out perfectly. That is what Donna experienced today.

Thank you Donna for sharing that on here. I know that Jack has been with you before. Just as when you were in his bedroom and the music kept playing by itself. I believe that this is something special for you, as you were always so good to Jack. You always showed your love for him and for our family. You will be blessed for your kindness, as that was always our prayer.

For those who have shown true kindness to us, many they be ever so blessed.

Wednesday, January 14, 2004 6:44 PM CST

I did not realize that it had been so long since my last journal entry. It has been a busy week. Mike had been out of town on business for a week. Life is always different then. Mike and I work everything on a schedule together, and when he is not here I seem to not work so well.

Jess and Jake have been very busy with basketball, and other. Joe is changing every day. He told me today as we were watching Calliou...mom, I want to ride on the school bus. I was taken back. That same experience. Those same words. Exactly what Jackson told me, not very long ago. Many of you will remember how Jack loved Calliou. I remember the first time he seen that show, and Jack was so surprised to see a little boy on tv that didn't have any hair, at a time when he also had no hair. Joe loves to watch that show now too.

I told my mother-in-law last night about my new found conception on time. It has become more apparent to me over the last 6 months or so, that TIME is a concept that we as people misunderstand. 3 years. 23 years. 33 years. 73 years. How long is that, really? 24 hours in a day. 7 days a week. 52 weeks a year. Doesn't that fly by like nothing? I can remember details of 1 year ago like it literally was yesterday. Jackson has been gone almost 3 years. My heart feels the same as the day he left. Baby Joe is now 3 1/2. The same age as Jack was when he passed. When people say that Jack was here such a short time, and now Joe is that same exact age.

What I believe that it is, is the aging process. God set it up so that we age so much each year. We think that people are old at a certain age, but in reality many feel just as young as they did 20 years ago. They too can't believe that the time has went that fast. Time. A strange concept.

I was comforted to read the guest book entries. I have been so blessed by many that I have never met. I thank you so much for your support.

I had an email today from another lady that I "met" through email. She gave me such incredible words of comfort as she wished me a good day and and said that she hoped that I could feel the love and hugs of Jackson Ben in my heart today. I thanked her for thinking of me, and more so for thinking of Jackson. People rarely bring up his name. I suppose out of fear. Of what, I don't know.

Until we meet again,
Be blessed.

Monday, January 5, 2004 3:51 PM CST

Hello to everyone. I have lost track on myself with the vacation time here with the children. It seems like the phone rings every day with someone asking the kids to do something. We managed to keep them home some and enjoyed our time together. I have noticed over vacation how each of the children have really grown this last month. Physically and mentally. It is enjoyable to observe.

Jake was talking a lot of Jackson last night. He seems to be the one who will talk most often. Actually, he talked the last 2 nights. I like to see the kids be able to talk about Jack, with happiness and remembrance. That is what keeps me going in this process is being able to be around people who actually knew Jack, who loved him, who have so many wonderful memories. I have difficulty being around the ones who dwell on the sadness of the loss. I do not believe that anyone could go to that state more so then Mike, myself and our children. And fully knowing that Jackson's life meant an enormous amount, I wil try my best to spend my days being thankful and to think on the positive. Jackson liked people to be happy. Not sad.

It also has become extremely known to me on why God sent this little boy to us here that we call baby Joe. If he doesn't act, talk, laugh, and look so much like his brother. Truly, he brings us SO much comfort.

I have so much that Jack taught me, and so much to write about here. It is always hard to know where to start...and where to end....and also wondering who out there reading will care or understand.

I pray that I am led to do as I am supposed to.

Monday, December 29, 2003 4:47 PM CST

Another snowy day in Wisconsin...

I don't really have a whole lot I will write about today. I have spent the day trying to clean, as usual, and to get caught up on laundry.

Our week went well. We stayed home most of it. I was a little under the weather. It was nice to just be home with the children and not have to run anywhere.

The kids each recieved a few gifts and seemed very thankful and appreciative. That was nice to see. They don't ask for hardly anything. I respect that about them. Not greedy. Little Joe enjoyed opening the gifts for the first time ever. He really liked the paper. He also liked the stockings. He was able to open his and Jacksons, so he was happy about that.

Joe has been so fun to be around lately, unless he is crabby of course:) He is so much like Jackson. So many of his actions and words. Mike and I just are so thankful for him, and all of the children.

A lot to be thankful for. 2003 was very good to us, and we are expecting 2004 to be even better.

Thank you to all who sent their greetings to us. We appreciate you and the friends that we have made, and the family that has supported us.

May you all have great blessings in the New year!

Thursday, December 25, 2003 5:46 AM CST

Wishing you a Merry Christmas. May your day be special. May it be blessed. May you spend it with the ones that you love the most. May you find focus on the true meaning of the celebration, not the lies and commercialism.

To the other parents out there that have lost a little one, I just want to say that I will be thinking of you today.

God bless you.

Michelle & family

Thursday, December 18, 2003 10:42 AM CST

It is so easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of the season. Please take time for your children, to truly enjoy them and teach them what is truth.

In our Christmas letter this year, I had included a photo from Christmas day 2000, as our favorite Christmas memory. The picture is one of the only pictures that we have of our whole family. It is a treasure to me, and also slightly humorous as we all still had on our sweats etc. and really didn't look that great...but Jackson looked spectacular. He had a slight, solemn smile on his face, as if he knew if would be our last Christmas together. The other 2 pictures of us all are on the day that Jack passed on.

My children are truly my treasures and greatest blessing. I know many parents say that, but I feel that most don't really take that to heart.

I am a protective parent. I don't like many of the comments and actions that have been done around my children. And when people think I am strange, as I know some do...I always, always wonder...what would they be acting like if their child was taken away from them at the age of 3 and they had to carry on.

I watched our little Joe this week, as he struggled with a high fever. He slept from Monday evening to Wednesday morning. He only woke up every 3-4 hours for a drink of water. No, that is not an exaggeration. He slept that long. We kept praying over him and called in a prayer request for him to be kept safe. Joe has tendancies for chest colds and asthma conditions and I worry so about him, especially this time of year around so many sick people. He is fine today. No more fevers, running around as usual.

To watch him, reminded me of all of the days that Jack and I would sit alone in this house. He would be sick to his stomach from the chemo. We would have blankets on all of the windows because his eyes would hurt so bad from the sunlight. I would keep a towel with me as he would throw up many times into it. We would snuggle, and read, and play. We never left the house, except for the clinic. His counts were often to low to be around other's. Whenever one of us would get the sniffles, we too would have to wear a mask in the house to protect him.

As I watched Joe lying there too sick to sit up, I thought of Jackson and all that he endured.

Children really do have to endure so much sometimes.

And so, I would ask you again, to love your children, hold them, tell them you love them. Teach them truth, and if you don't know Truth yourself, Seek.

Monday, December 15, 2003 3:29 PM CST

Last night we went to the candle lighting ceremony for Jackson. As I watched each parent go up to light a candle for their child, it touched my heart so deeply to see that many parents that have had a child pass away. As much as I know that relatives have some sort of grief in losing a family member, it surely is not the same as losing your own child.

I think of all of the other parents that we met at the hospital, the Ronald McDonald House and through caringbridge. I think of all of those parents without their little one this Christmas season. I think of all of the women even in our own families that have lost a child. I think of my grandma having twins and both of them dying before she could even bring them home from the hospital. She had to carry on... like life was great and be strong for everyone else, take care of the other children etc.

It seems to always be that way. The more I talk to other cancer moms, it is the "norm". To be strong for the other children, to be strong for other relatives. Everyone wants to relate to the loss as if it were only their own. Sometimes I get so tired. It is physically and emotionally wearing to have to comfort others, in the loss of my child.

I had Mike go up alone last night to light Jacks candle. That is how I felt it to be. I had been thinking about how Mike was the first to be with Jack when he was born. With the emergency C-section, I was put out. Mike held him first. On the day Jackson passed, Mike held him last. With no sign that he was that sick, Mike called me at midnight to say that they were watching a movie and going to bed. Mike said Jacksons prayers with him. Mike fell asleep at 4:30. At 5:07 Jackson had left us. No one knows what that was like for Mike. No one knows the details except for me. Mike called me at 5:30 that morning.

Once again to be strong for everyone else.

I remember that day when Mike, Jack and I were riding in the car to come home. I remember saying that God was testing my faith with Jackson, and at that very second that big bald eagle came right down so close to our car that we could almost touch him. He led us up a hill, as He continues to do.

I don't know if I can ever explain Jacks testimony or what I feel it was all for, but his little life was special and I rejoice in the fact of being a part of Jack and he a part of me.

Tuesday, December 9, 2003 11:29 AM CST

We had a number of phone calls early this morning to let us know about the heavy snow and slippery roads. I woke Jessie up to see if she still wanted to go to Hudson to take her drivers test. For those of you who know my daughter, she is never thrilled about waking up early or about a change in a well anticipated plan.

Mike decided that he would take off some time from work this morning to bring her instead of me. He drives well in bad weather. I do not.

It is a 45 minute drive that took them and hour and 15. They arrived 3 minutes before test time. Jessie had a cranky woman as her tester. Jessie asked how slow she could go, they woman responded that if she lost any control of the vehicle on the slippery roads (sliding, etc) that she would instantly fail. Jessie then decided to drive real slow, and then the womans comment was that it wasn't that slippery.

Anyway, she passed! She called me right away. She said...bad news....for Mike and I. :)

Now we just pray that she is kept safe. Kids are hurt and killed all of the time on the roads. Until you have a 16 year old with a license, it doesn't really cross your mind so much.

Limited driving. No insurance for her yet. Lots of people already giving her places to go and things to do. I hope that they refrain and let her just learn slowly and take her time, for her own safety.

Thursday, December 4, 2003 1:00 PM CST

Today is Jessie's 16th birthday. Hard to believe that time has went by that quickly. She seemed to be real excited this morning. We even made a cake for her to take to first hour class. Welding! She dressed up very pretty today. She said that if she brought in the cake, she wouldn't have to weld today. She has a basketball game tonight, so it will be a full day. We had a birthday breakfast for her and opened gifts as tonight will be too busy. She didn't care for a big party. She said all she can think about is her drivers test next Tuesday. :) I will keep everyone updated.

Thanks for the emails and prayers. Our thanksgiving was really good. Joe and I had a great day. Lots of fun together and with family. It felt good to stay focused on all of our blessings and to be thankful! It made the day a special one. Mike had Jessie and Jake at the cabin. They had a good day also. They came home with 3 deer, and are already making their jerky.

Our Christmas shopping is done. Still need to get going on my cards. So many things going on this month. We are trying to just stay calm and focused to enjoy the season and it's significance. I do not believe that December 25th is the actual birth of Jesus, but we do celebrate and give honor to Him.

Jessie and Jake's all time favorite teacher from 1st grade passed away from cancer the other day. They always mention how wonderful she was. She always treated us so good. We will miss her.

Thursday, November 27, 2003 9:30 AM CST

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone.

We have a lot to be thankful for here. Our children, our health, our home, and abundant blessings.

Thanksgiving in the only holiday or event that is set aside solely for giving thanks. As all of the other holidays have become overly commercialized, I am thankful that this one stays true to its purpose.

I was looking at the little boy on this Thanksgiving border on here. He reminds me of Jackson with his dark hair and rosy cheeks. His hair came in so dark after his bone marrow transplant. No more blondish wispies, it was all dark and shiny. BMT will do that to children. Some medication makes them grow lots of dark hair, all over.

Today I thought I would write about Jackson’s Thanksgivings. He had 4 here with us.

Jackson’s 1st Thanksgiving.

Jackson was about 9 weeks old. We drove with Jessie and Jake up to see their daddy at the hunting cabin. They have a large group of extended family that stay there all week and hunt. They cook a great turkey dinner. Mike just asked me a few weeks ago if Jackson was ever at the “red cabin”. I reminded him that he was, for his first Thanksgiving. One thing that I remember vividly was that during the long 2-hour drive home, it was dark out. Jackson did not like the dark. I had to drive with the dome light on to keep him from crying.

Jackson’s 2nd Thanksgiving.
Age 14 months-the details here escape me.

Jackson’s 3rd Thanksgiving.

Jackson was 26 months old. I had just made his doctor appointment for the third month visit in a row, for the same symptoms. Fever spikes, leg and joint pain, pale skin, and irritability. I remember that he had a deer tick in his ear and my last thought was hoping that it was lymes. We had gone to my grandma’s for dinner. Jack had fun visiting. I remember my aunt commenting on how pale he was that day. We also went to Mike’s families. I don’t remember all of the details, but I do recall Jack getting irritable and having to go into the other room to talk about it.

It was the next day that I brought him in to the doctor I believe. They ran tests. I remember sitting in the lab. Sick to my stomach. They drew out blood from Jack. He ate a whole little pack of gum as he sat still trying not to cry. The doctor put him on some iron pills as they thought he had anemia. The doctor told me that they would run further tests. That it could also be a blood disorder, or leukemia. I also had a pregnancy test that day. It was positive. So I sat in the room with my doctor, overwhelmed and crying. I called Mike up north to tell him the news. He then came home. On Monday the nurse called and asked me to come in to speak with the doctor. I went with Jackson and another little girl I was watching at the time. The confirmed leukemia and gave me instructions for a 3-4 stay in Minneapolis Children’s Hospital.

Jackson’s 4th Thanksgiving.

This one, of course, is my favorite of all. Jackson had his bone marrow transplant on Oct. 10th of that year. He had been away from our home since Oct.1. Jack and Mike were staying at our apartment at the Ronald McDonald House in Mpls. Jack called in our little house. Their first day pass back to our home in Wisconsin was for Thanksgiving. A good friend of mine had submitted our names to her church and they provided us with a full Thanksgiving meal, ready for me to cook. We wanted to have a special day home alone with just our children. Jackson helped me do the buns. He worked so hard on them. I can just see his little fingers pressing the dough. He kept pressing and pressing. He loved to cook with me. Jessie and Jake were so happy to have him here. We felt like the most blessed people in the world.

It was the best Thanksgiving that I can ever remember. :)

Monday, November 24, 2003 3:30 PM CST

There seems to be a fine line when it comes to speaking on these websites. As the writer, I put all of my thoughts, my feelings, our testimonies, and basically our lives out there for anyone to read. These websites start out as family and friends that you have invited to read about the life and journey of our children. Now that Jackson is not here physically, I had to decide...is his story done? have I written all that I need to about him? will his testimony live on? have I shared enough? At what point in time are my writings done. I look often at that "delete web page" button that the I have access to as the author of this page.

I talk to others that know more of our story, and they encourage me to share. As much as I would like to, I hesitate. I know of people in our own town that read this site all the time. They have never let me know that personally, but I have been able to know. I have become quite a private person. Life is much easier that way. To put all of my thoughts and feelings out here isn't very easy. Especially when it comes to my family, my children, and my faith. 3 things I don't like criticized. Also the fact of knowing that many of our experiences are very powerful, and very much supernatural, I realize that not everyone can handle that information. I will be held accountable for every action, thought, word and deed. I write these things as true and honest as I can, but how will it be received I always wonder.

Let me say that I know fully well that these gifts were given to us to bring knowledge, truth and comfort. It is not because I think that we are anything. Surely we are not. It has been humbling to me. My husband and I are sinners saved by grace. We would be the first to say.

With Thanksgiving this week, we have so much to be extremely thankful for. And those that remember it well, know that Jackson was brought in the day after Thanksgiving to the doctor. We were called in the following Monday I believe for a confirmation of leukemia. We were admitted to Mpls. Children's on Tuesday morning. Our whole life changed.

Thanksgiving is the beginning of a very hard holiday season for us here. I do not like the holidays like I used to. I would rather stay home with my children. It is hard to go visiting without Jackson. I do not enjoy most family activities. Family photos. Family parties. My family is not a "whole" without all of my children. I go on for the sake of Jessie, Jacob and Joe as I know they need to enjoy. Really though, it is in every persons heart that lives in this home. It is not unhappiness as some would portray us to be, it is an emptiness.

Wednesday, November 19, 2003 6:48 PM CST

Jackson started at a very early age of singing and dancing in our living room. We noticed that he was always watching the same place up high on the wall. He would laugh and giggle as he danced for his special friend. He would run around our coffee table and put on quite a show as children often do.

It took many months for the rest of us to see what he was seeing. I prayed many weeks about this, and one day the Lord opened my eyes. I felt extremely overwhelmed by what I was seeing. I was not afraid, but was truly in awe.

I went to get my camera. I asked the Lord if I was seeing what I thought I was seeing, if He would affirm that belief to me. I took 3 pictures. In the day or 2 to follow, I went to Walmart to develop the film. When I looked through them, there were the 3. The first looked like a small light. The 2nd shone brighter. The 3rd took up a very large part of the wall. God confirms himself in the number 3. I knew that He confirmed what I knew that I had seen. What Jackson had seen all along. One by one the rest of us were also able to see, only by God’s grace to do so.

One day as we were leaving to go to the doctor, Jack looked up at another area and said, “bye-bye Light”. As Jack became older, he spoke on his Light. He told us that he had an angel. When I asked him if his angel was a boy angel or a girl angel, he said, “it’s not a girl momma, it’s an angel”. He brought me out a cherub figurine out of my bedroom, and said “this is an angel.”

I also asked Jackson if he ever seen Jesus. He told me yes. He told me that Jesus protected him.

I speak these testimonies as true as I know them to be.

I know that sometimes it is hard for people to understand these things, but many a people have walked into my house and have seen what we see. There are also many that have not. I know that only God can open one's eyes. I just thank God for the grace and mercy on us all to show us these things.

Some have critiqued me for my writings and stand for the Lord. Well, the Bible says that will happen.

My son Jackson was here in my life to teach me these things. I am so thankful for being his momma.

Am I overboard on my religion? Was Jackson?

God called me to exactly where I am.

Monday, November 17, 2003 8:56 AM CST

On the occasion of Ms. Gabrielle Anna Paquette’s birthday.

She would have been 4 years old today.

The little girl that I have yet to meet, but know that I will one day.

Today is the 17th , which is a special number as it means Victory. Gabbie also left this world on the 17th. Another Victory. The most significant one that any person could ever have. The Victory of eternal life. Salvation.

I know of Gabbie because of Jackson. He also had many wonderful things happen on the 17th of many months. Many will disregard as coincidence, but a spiritual person will catch it. God speaks to us many ways, and this is one of many.

When Gabbie was ready to go home with the Lord, she asked her momma, “Will you be dere?” Gabbie’s mom who is also a born again Christian could answer that she would be meeting her soon.

Will every little child that dies, go to heaven? Surely yes, as the Bible states. But, that would be every “little child”. My interpretation is that as a child gets old enough to know right from wrong, they need to repent just as we adults and that we all need to make our own personal decision as to follow Christ.

We all need to have our own walk with the Lord. We all need to give our own hearts and life to Him. Some churches will teach you contrary, but take God by His Word. You can’t be saved because your parents, or your grandparents were. You can’t be saved because someone brought you to church and called you a child of God. It takes a big step forward, to make that stand and believe. To seek the Truth for your self.

Living your life for Him. Walking, talking, breathing. All for His glory. It is a life-changing event. It is a wonderfully blessed life. Full of peace that passeth all understanding, joy that is overflowing, love that is from the deepest depths. It is not giving up your life; it is gaining your life.

Many are called, but few will answer.

Matthew 7:13 ¦ Jesus said, “ Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be that go in thereat: 14 Because strait is the gate and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it.”

What makes a child of God?

Jesus said, “Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.” Matthew 18:3

A verse from the Bible that the pastor used as the basis for Jackson’s service. Also in the book “safe in the arms of God—truth from heaven about the death of a child” a book given to me by Gabbie’s mom.

One of the biggest preconceptions: when a person passes away and people say that they went home to heaven.

Was that person saved? Did that person repent of their sins and give their lives to the Lord?

For those of us who have lost a little child a long the way, by whatever circumstances, that child is waiting for us in heaven. If we are ever to see that child’s face again, we need to give our lives to the Lord. Simply put.

Our eternal destination is based on the choices that we make today.

“Will you be dere?” sweet Gabbie asks.

www.caringbridge.com/mn/gabrielles.prayers

Monday, November 10, 2003 2:51 PM CST

I liked the following story that I had read and thought I would share. I liked it because I used to sing that song to all of my children before and after they were born, and also because I remembered a day at the Children's Hospital during the Christmas season when they were playing harp music out in the hall. Jackson couldn't go out there because of his counts. The harpist then came to our door and Jack was able to pick out 3 songs to have played. I remember how it lifted our spirits, especially Jackson's.

Our nurse for that day had shared a story with us about another child that was dying in neonatal and how the doctors were demanding for no music in that area. A harpist went in and played and the child revived and is living today. So here is the story....

You are my sunshine.

Like any good mother, when Karen found out that another baby was on the way, she did what she could to help her

3-year-old son, Michael, prepare for a new sibling.

They found out that the new baby was going be a girl, and day after day, night after night, Michael sang to his sister in mommy's tummy. He was building a bond of love with his little sister before he even met her.

The pregnancy progressed normally for Karen, an active member of the Panther Creek United Methodist Church in Morristown, Tennessee.

In time, the labor pains came. Soon it was every five minutes, every three, every minute. But serious complications arose during delivery and Karen found herself in hours of labor. Would a C-section be required?

Finally, after a long struggle, Michael's little sister was born.

But she was in very serious condition.

With a siren howling in the night, the ambulance rushed the infant to the neonatal intensive care unit at St. Mary's Hospital, Knoxville, Tennessee. The days inched by. The little girl got worse. The pediatrician had to tell the parents there is very little hope. Be prepared for the worst.

Karen and her husband contacted a local cemetery about a burial plot.

They had fixed up a special room in their house for their new baby but now they found themselves having to plan for a funeral. Michael, however, kept begging his parents to let him see his sister. I want to sing to her, he kept saying.

Week two in intensive care looked as if a funeral would come before the week was over. Michael kept nagging about singing to his sister, but kids are never allowed in Intensive Care. Karen decided to take Michael whether they liked it or not. If he didn't see his sister right then, he may never see her alive.

She dressed him in an oversized scrub suit and marched him into ICU. He looked like a walking laundry basket. The head nurse recognized him as a child and bellowed, "Get that kid out of here now. No children are allowed."

The mother rose up strong in Karen, and the usually mild-mannered lady glared steel-eyed right into the head nurse's face, her lips a firm line. "He is not leaving until he sings to his sister" she stated.

Then Karen towed Michael to his sister's bedside. He gazed at the tiny infant losing the battle to live. After a moment, he began to sing.

In the pure-hearted voice of a 3-year-old, Michael sang: "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray."

Instantly the baby girl seemed to respond. The pulse rate began to calm down and become steady.

"Keep on singing, Michael," encouraged Karen with tears in her eyes. "You never know, dear, how much I love you, please don't take my sunshine away." As Michael sang to his sister, the baby's ragged, strained breathing became as
smooth as a kitten's purr.

"The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping, I dreamed I held you in my arms". Michael's little sister began to relax as rest, healing rest, seemed to sweep over her.

"Keep on singing, Michael." Tears had now conquered the face of the bossy head nurse. Karen glowed. "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. Please don't take my sunshine away..."

The next, day... the very next day... the little girl was well enough to go home.

Woman's Day Magazine called it The Miracle of a Brother's Song.

The medical staff just called it a miracle.

Karen called it a miracle of God's love.

Monday, November 3, 2003 10:09 AM CST

I am sitting here in my home office, watching as the snow gently falls. It is such a beautiful site. The change of seasons amaze me. I find that I appreciate something about each different season that we have. Creation is awesome.

I have been trying to get this house in order. If anything can depress me, it is an unorganized house. With this many people in one house, it is that way daily. That is a huge project for me to try to keep it clean. We have been going through room by room, gathering bags for good will and bags to throw away. It has helped a lot, but we still have rooms left to go. The down fall of a large house.

Joe and I went outside already this morning to play in the snow. He was trying to eat the flakes. He was precious to watch.

We had a really good weekend with the children. They all have so many sweet qualities. We seemed to get some outside work done also. Jessie and Mike fenced a little on both days to get her cattle out to a bigger pasture. It seems like this whole month is already filled with plans. Mike and the kids are looking forward to going to the cabin. This is Jake's first year of deer hunting. His grandpa Paul helped him site in a gun and practice.

I haven't been sleeping much, but that is nothing new. I dreamt of Jackson the other night. He is in my thoughts all day long. Baby Joe is just about to Jack's age, and every thing that he does is so much like his brother.

I put a new shelf up with some special things of Jackson's. I like the way it turned out. There are so many things in our house that I want put up. I would need a room of shelves. :) No body seems to understand the value that I put on Jack's things. It is hard when other kids come over, but I want them to have fun also.

Another little boy passed away this last week. I sob every time. This cancer thing is so out of control and it seems like nobody cares. It has become such a common thing to the world. I tell you, when it hits home with your own child, it surely changes your attitude.

Another little girl with cancer from a town close by we found out about also last week. I wish that I could help them all.

I still need to get going on my Ronald McDonald donations from the fundraising money...and my business thank yous. It seems like I am always running a little behind schedule....

I will update again soon. Blessings to all.

Thursday, October 30, 2003 8:45 PM CST

MY BANNER WILL BE CLEAR

The following was written by a young pastor in Africa who was martyred for his faith. The note was found in his office after his death.

'I am part of the fellowship of the unashamed. I have the Holy Spirit power. The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made

I'm a disciple of His. I won't look back, let up, slow down, back away, or be still. My past is redeemed, my present makes sense, my future is secure. I'm finished and done with low living, sight walking, smooth knees,colorless dreams, tamed visions, worldly talking, cheap giving and dwarfed goals.

"I no longer need prosperity, position, plaudits promotions or popularity. I don't have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised, regarded or rewarded. I now live by faith, lean on His presence, walk by patience, am uplifted by prayer and I labor with power.

"My face is set, my gait is fast, my goal is heaven, my road is narrow, my way is rough, my companions are few, my Guide is reliable, my mission is clear. I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, deluded, or delayed. I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of the enemy, pander at the pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity.

"I won't give up, shut up, let up, until I have stayed up, stored up, prayed up, paid up, preached up for the cause of Christ. I am a disciple of Jesus. I must go -- until He comes, give -- until I drop, preach until all know, and work until He stops me. And, when He comes for His own ... He Will have no problem recognizing me ... my banner will be clear!"

I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, deluded, or delayed."...

Friday, October 24, 2003 12:17 AM CDT

The Room...

In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room. There were no distinguishing features except for the one wall covered with small index card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in aphabetical order. But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endless in either direction, had very different headings. As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read "Girls I have liked." I opened it and began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one. And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was. This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life.

Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn't match. A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their content. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching. A file named "Friends" was next to one marked "Friends I have betrayed." The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird. "Books I Have Read," "Lies I Have
Told," "Comfort I have Given," "Jokes I Have Laughed at." Some were almost hilarious in their exactness: "Things I've yelled at my brothers." Others I couldn't laugh at: "Things I Have Done in My Anger", "Things I Have Muttered Under My Breath at My Parents." I never ceased to be surprised by the contents. Often there were many more cards than I expected. Sometimes fewer than I hoped. I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived.

Could it be possible that I had the time in my years to fill each of these thousands or even millions of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature. When I pulled out the file marked "TV Shows I have watched ," I realized the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards, I hadn't found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of shows but more by the vast time I knew that file represented.

When I came to a file marked "Lustful Thoughts," I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size, and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed content. I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded. An almost animal rage broke on me. One thought dominated my mind: No one must ever see these cards! No one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!" In insane frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn't matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. But as I took it at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it. Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh.

And then I saw it.. The title bore "People I Have Shared the Gospel With." The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand. And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that they hurt. They started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key.

But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him. No, please not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus. I watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn't bear to watch His response. And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I saw a sorrow deeper than my own.

He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes. Why did He have to read every one? Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn't anger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again. He walked over and put His arm around me. He could have said so many things. But He didn't say a word. He just cried with me. Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files.

Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each card. "No!" I shouted rushing to Him. All I could find to say was "No, no," as I pulled the card from Him. His name shouldn't be on these cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name of Jesus covered mine. It was written with His blood. He gently took the card back. He smiled a sad smile and began to sign the cards. I don't think I'll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side. He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, "It is finished." I stood up, and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door. There were still cards to be written.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."- Phil. 4:13 "For God so loved the world that He gave His only son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life."

Unknown Author

Thursday, October 16, 2003 11:36 AM CDT

Many days I come here to update and the words just don't seem to come to me. I had read 2 days ago about 2 more children that have passed. It never fails me, that each and every time I hear about another child and see their sweet little faces, surely it breaks me every time. It is amazing how we can have such deep emotion for people that we have never met or talked to. My sorrow for any one that loses a child comes from the severe reality of the pain and grief that is to follow for them. The encouragement for any parent is for them to know that their child is safe in the arms of the Lord. Still, the pain and emptiness is unbearable. The mother longing to hold her child. The daddy missing his special buddy or little girl. It is an experience unlike no other.

I have lost many many people in my life. I am sure that it was a preparation for this day.

The cancer was a horrible issue to deal with, but we did. In the passing of a child, it is a horrible thing to deal with, but we had to. The pain comes in living....living our lives without part of our family. That my friends, does not come so easy.

For the parent's of the children who have left us, I will never forget your sweet babies faces either.

Friday, October 10, 2003 11:06 AM CDT

I was thinking this morning about the children that came to Jack's race. I wonder if they can even understand how many children could be helped by all of the money that they raised. I am just so proud of them and their effort, it is hard to find the words.

I did send out the first of the donations this week.

We sent out a small gift for a Lighthouse project. They send out a missionary gift to area's of the world that are unable to get God's Word on their own. This donation wasn't on our original list, be we felt that this would be most beneficial in our trying to help other's.

Our 2nd donation was for the National Cancer Awareness Foundation. It is a group that we are associated with through a company that Mike works with. They send money directly to families that need help financially due to cancer.

Our 3rd donation went to the National Children's Cancer Society. This group also sends money to those families in need due to children's cancer. This organization is one that helped our family. The sent us phone cards, gas cards, etc. to use during Jackson's treatment. I do believe that they also sent us 3 months of car payments and house payments. I can not even begin to express how much that was needed and appreciated. It feels so good to be able to give back what they gave to us.

What I like most about these first 3 donations, is that these groups are all non-profit, and the money that we send in goes directly to help families like mine. These groups only source of funds available come from donations like ours. This is not "corporate business" as some other cancer "charities".

Our next donation on the list will be the Mpls.Ronald McDonald House. That one is an exciting one to do, and very heartwarming. I will update about that after we deliver our donation and the birthday party packs for the children there.

I notice daily how some people in this world are givers and some people are takers. Why is it so easy for some to put other's first. To help out where needed. To think about other's instead of what they want, or they need to do, or their schedule. I realize that we are all made differently...and I know many givers and many takers. It just feels so special to be among a group of givers. That is why I am so thankful for these children that did such a big job for other children that needed their help.

Jackson was a giver. Always thinking about other's. Always trying to make everyone else feel better. Such a sweet little boy.

3 years ago today, Jackson Ben had his bone marrow transplant. His big brother Jake was his donor. We were in room #10 at Fairview University in Mpls. MN. It seems so clear in my mind. It was a milestone of a day, but even at that I knew that the transplant was not what would save Jackson. I knew all along that it would have to be God.

Wishing you a blessed weekend.

Michelle

Wednesday, September 24, 2003 1:14 PM CDT

“Jackson’s Big Birthday Party”

I wanted to update to everyone about our Childhood cancer fundraiser that was held here in Clear Lake last Saturday, September 20. We had the most beautiful day. The weather was perfect. The sun was shining bright and warm, after a week of cool temperatures and rain. The eagles were flying around us, as they usually do when it comes to Jackson Ben. It was a blessed time.

We had a late start, and a few less children that we had hoped for, but all in all the day couldn’t have been any better.

We do a ½ Mile race that all children, big and small, participate in. Every child receives a medal for completing the race. We had a Victory lap with everyone also.

My main goal with this annual event is for the children to enjoy themselves. My goal is that it is a day for the children, with the children, and by the children. It is quite something to see the effort that these little kids put in to this event.

Some of the pledges were phenomenal! We had 1 girl that raised over $700.00 and another one that raised over $1000.00. Total pledges for the day were over $5000.00. I think that there were about 70 children that turned in pledge sheets. I am so proud of them.

My favorite part of the pledging is that the children understand that the money that they raised goes DIRECTLY to children that need our help. They truly are making a difference in another child’s life. That means so much to me that they care enough about other’s to put forth this effort.

We had a super petting zoo, a DJ that was great with coordinating his music selection to the activity that we were doing at the time. We had a moon bounce, a putting green, a craft table, game areas, 3 clowns, Donald Duck, Tigger, concessions and a bake sale. We also had our t-shirt sale with Jack’s footprints on them, and our cookbook promotion with the dedication to Jackson also.

We do gift bags for every participant, and we also have a prize raffle after the race in which every child gets a prize.

This event is organized and planned by Mike and I. I have many wonderful friends and family that volunteer to help. I surely couldn’t do this without them. It is an extreme amount of work, and it can get me very tired and stressed. :) It is about 2 months of full time effort by all. I am so thankful for those who just hop in and help wherever needed! Thank you to everyone.

My hope for next year is to “fine tune” our efforts. I hope to have the full 100 entrants that I plan for. I also hope that other family and friends will be able to attend.

So many people have said along the way of this journey with Jackson: “ I wish that there were something that I could do to help. “ Well, this my friends is perhaps the answer. What more could you do at this time to help other children then to get involved in this fundraiser. How many children do you think that this would help??? Many!

And besides…it is Jackson’s big birthday party. Surely he knows all that love him.

Every night when Jackson was saying his prayers, he would always end by asking God to bless all of the sick kids. That has been our prayer also, and our effort.

Blessings to all,
Michelle

(I will update again on where our donations will go)

Tuesday, September 16, 2003 8:38 AM CDT

Today is Jackson Ben’s 6th birthday. The sun is shining. I am sure that the heavens are singing.

I remember vividly the day that Jackson was born. I had induced labor and had to drive back and forth to our hospital 1/2 hour away, by myself, in labor. The pregnancy had went very well, but the delivery was quite traumatic. After being admitted later on the evening of the 15th, we learned that I had abruptio placentia. Both Jackson and I were in danger of losing our lives. I remember the look on my doctors face and the team of people that swarmed in to bring me in for emergency c-section. I remember being put under and when I woke up, I was alone with a nurse in the recovery room. Jackson was with his poppa.

Mike was the first out of us both to be alone with Jackson and Mike was the last to be alone with him.

I remember my very reserved and unemotional doctor, coming in to my room the next day and holding my hand with tears in his eyes. He told me how thankful he was that baby and I survived. I also remember someone telling me that Jackson had the cord wrapped around his neck 3 times when delivered.

I have been up since 3:13 a.m. Everyone always tells me how well I am doing and how strong that I am. Jackson’s birthday is never a “strong” day for me. It is extremely painful for everyone in this family. Will I show it? Most likely not. Jackson loved his birthday and he really loved parties. I always tried to show Jack what he needed to see. He didn’t like people crying around him and being upset. He was a very deep thinker, and I know that that bothered him. So I will try not to do that today. For Jack.

Jackson’s birthday. What would he wear to school today? What kind of cup cakes would he want to bring for his birthday treat? Would we go somewhere fun after school? Would he have a little friend party this weekend?

Jackson would be wearing his “fancy clothes” today. Maybe something from Auntie Donna. Probably something red, or blue, or yellow.

Jack would most likely want chocolate cupcakes with Oreo frosting, because that is what Jake brings.

Maybe tonight we would have a pizza party, because that his favorite.

I have friends with children Jackson’s age. We would probably have a really fun party this weekend. Instead, we are having a childhood cancer awareness fundraiser. All the little kids call it “Jack’s Party”. It should be a lot of fun. All of the $$ raised goes directly to help families that already have a child with cancer. We had picked out the organizations that helped us to give back to. Jackson prayed every night for all of the sick kids. So this seems like the perfect party to do for Jack and all of the little children.

May you do all that you can to protect your children, and to love them.

Unless you have lost a child unwillingly, you really have no idea whatsoever what if feels like to be celebrating your child’s birthday without them.

I am thankful for this day, and for my children. For family and friends that have been supportive. For those who showed Jackson love, and for those who still stop by to check on us after all of this time.

May you be blessed.

Jackson's momma,Michelle

Thursday, September 4, 2003 9:23 AM CDT

September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month.

Childhood cancers are cancers that primarily affect children, teens, and young adults. It is important to understand that when cancer strikes children and young people, that it affects them differently then it does adults.

Young patients often have a more advanced stage of cancer when first diagnosed. Only about 20% of adults with cancer show evidence that the disease has spread at the time of diagnosis, yet 80% of children show that the cancer has spread to distant sites in the body when the cancer is first diagnosed.

Most adult cancers result from lifestyle factors, such as smoking, diet, occupation, and other exposure to cancer causing agents. The causes of most childhood cancers are linked to paternal and maternal exposure to occupational carcinogens, the high amount of nitrates in our foods, pesticides on our fruits and vegetables, lawn and garden pesticides, environmental toxins and carcinogens, and maternal exposure to ionizing radiation to name a few. While adult cancers are primarily those of the lung, colon, breast, prostate, and pancreas; childhood cancers are mostly those of white blood cells (leukemia’s), brain, bone, lymphatic system and tumors of the muscles, kidneys and nervous system. Each of these behaves differently, but all are characterized by an uncontrolled proliferation of abnormal cells.

The majority of adult sufferers are treated in their local community by family physicians, consulting surgeons and medical oncologists. Family physicians or pediatricians rarely treat cancers in children. A child with cancer must be diagnosed precisely and treated by physicians and clinical and laboratory scientists who have a special expertise in managing the care of children with cancer. Such teams are found only in major children’s hospitals, university medical centers and cancer centers.

Cancer Facts:

Childhood cancer is the number one disease killer of children.
Every year more then 12,000 children and young adults are diagnosed with cancer.
Cancer is the second leading cause of death during childhood, exceeded only by accidents.
On any given school day, approximately 46 young people are diagnosed with cancer.
1 out of 330 persons in the U.S will develop cancer by their 19th birthday.
1 out of 2 persons will develop some form of cancer in their lifetime.

Signs of Childhood Cancer

Continued, unexplained weight loss
Headaches, often with vomiting, at night, or early morning
Increased swelling or persistent pain in bones, joints, back or legs
Lump or mass, especially in the abdomen, neck, chest, pelvis, or armpits
Development of excessive bruising, bleeding, or rash

Constant infections
A whitish color behind the pupil
Nausea, which persists, or vomiting without nausea
Constant tiredness or noticeable paleness
Eye or vision changes which occur suddenly and persist
Recurrent fevers of unknown origin

Since most of these symptoms can be attributed to other ailments also, cancer diagnosis can be a long process. You must trust your own instinct and work as a team with your doctor and a nutritionist, using your knowledge of your child, and their knowledge of health practice to best protect your child.

This information for this article was taken from the Childhood Cancer Awareness site, the Gold Ribbons for Cancer site, and the www.preventcancer.com web site.

************************************************************************************************************
Our 2nd Annual "Footsteps For Victory" Childhood Cancer Awareness Fundraiser will be held on:

Saturday September 20, 2003
10:00 a.m. Race Begins
Family Events 9-3:00
Clear Lake Community Tack
Clear Lake, WI

Call me or email if you are interested in participating in any way. :)

Sunday, August 31, 2003 3:34 PM CDT

I have met a few people in my life that I believe were "angels". Sent here from God. The experiences were very significant. Three that come to mind concerning Jackson Ben. Many of you know the details on this already. I haven't shared too much on here directly, as I know things that have been spoken by other's against our testimony. As I have said before, the Bible states that the only sin that will never be forgiven in this world or the world to come is blasphemy of the Holy Spirit. I feel so sorry for those who have spoken against our testimony or any other person's.

Hebrews 13:2
Be not forgetful to entertain strangers: for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.

Every time I hear this song, it reminds me of how very true that verse is. As are they all.

There's a man standing on the corner
with a sign sayin' "Will work for food"
You know the man, you see him every morning
The one you never give your money to
You can sit there with your window rolled up
Wondering when the light's gonna turn green
Never knowing what a couple more bucks
in his pocket might mean...

What if he's an angel sent here from heaven
and he's making certain that you're doing your best
To take the time to help one another
Brother are you gonna pass that test?

You can go on with your day to day
trying to forget what you saw on his face
Knowing deep down he could have been your
saving grace
What if he's an angel?

There's a man and there's a woman
living right above you in apartment G
There's a lot of noise coming through
the ceiling and it don't sound like harmony

You can sit there with your tv turned up
While the words and his anger fly
But come tomorrow when you see her with her
shades on, can you look her in the eye?

What if she's an angel sent here from heaven
and she's making certain that you're doing your best
To take the time to help one another
Brother are you gonna pass that test?

You can go on with your day to day
trying to forget what you saw on her face
Knowing deep down you could have been her
saving grace
What if she's an angel?

A little girl on daddy's lap
hiding her disease with a baseball cap
You can turn the channel,
most people do but what if you were sitting in
her daddy's shoes?

Maybe she's an angel sent here from heaven
and she's making certain that you're doing your best
To take the time to help one another
Brother are you gonna pass that test?

You can go on with your day to day
trying to forget what you saw on her face
Knowing deep down you could have been her
saving grace
What if she's an angel?

-Tommy Shane Steiner-
Austin, Texas

Tuesday, August 26, 2003 6:29 PM CDT

One of my favorite entry memories of all time.

The day that Jackson said that he wanted to "write too".

A note to all of the people on his website.

On May 11, 2001 at 9:07 a.m Jackson Said...

“I want to say something nice or don’t say nothing at all.”

“I want a playhouse with a mailbox, with a window, with a kitchen.”

“I want a puppy with a dog house, with a door, and a mailbox.”

“I want a puppy with a nose, and legs and a tail.”

“I want to do homework and ride on the school bus.”

“I want to get the lawn mower and get the grass down in the ground.”

“I like to eat spaghetti, ice cream, pickles, and cake with a candle on top.”

“I like to play with my cars and my golfer things.”

“I done now.”

And with that, he hopped off my lap and ran to his room to play.

I remember it like it was yesterday.

Monday, August 18, 2003 9:41 PM CDT

This is a story that I had read some time last year. I wanted to share it, as it sticks in my mind and in my heart every time that I read it. Even though a few points that this woman made don't apply to my particular experience with Jackson, many of the experiences do.

I feel that this story gives a real insight to how it feels to be on this journey with your child. Especially a child that isn't in that "survival rate".

I remember the strangeness of Jackson's wisdom. I remember the day that the Lord told me it was all going to be alright. He was testing my faith. All I needed to do was believe. I remember the day that Jack told me that Jesus protected him, just out of the blue. I remember vividly being in the hospital with Jack for days, weeks, months on end. Every time another child passed, the whole hospital floor felt it.

This wasn't just about Jack, this is about every child that was there with him. We loved them all.

Christopher, Tony & Jesus

After a series of misdiagnoses, my eldest son Christopher was diagnosed with stage IV Neuroblastoma (cancer of the sympathetic nervous system) soon after his third birthday. The doctors informed me that his chances of survival for a period of more than 2 years was less then 2 percent. As a parent, you can never imagine the feeling of what it is like for someone to tell you that your child is probably going to die, just as he has started to live. Cancer
is supposed to be an old person's disease, not a child's. Children are supposed to outlive their parents. So many things parents take for granted were now forever changed in our home.

My family was not, nor is now, very religious. My children (ages 1, 2, 3 at the time) had very little knowledge of Christianity. The extent of their knowledge was that of Christmas. About a special baby born in a manger, and Christmas was his birthday, in which the entire world celebrated. We did not attend church services, nor have any
really religious friends. We were a young military family, constantly on the move. Struggling to make our home stable and happy for our children, in a basically unstable environment.

During the course of Christopher's illness, we got to be close friends with other families that also had children with life-threatening illnesses. We were brought together in crisis and were fighting a real war, a war to save our children. Each round of chemotherapy was a bullet. Each blood test was a battle. A battle we prayed we would win, one more time.

Our children fought gallantly. The bravery they showed daily would have made the best soldier weak. Day after day, week after week, they were given drugs that were as toxic as the illness they were fighting.

One of these children we held close in our hearts was Tony. Tony had been fighting his illness since he was 2. At the time we met Tony and his family, Tony had just turned 4, had a bone marrow transplant, and was at the end of what was a very long and hard fought battle. He was out of remission.

As parents we had a kinship. We held our breath each time the doctors came with results. When a child would make remission we all came together in celebration. When we lost one of our brave "soldiers" we comforted one another. We cried together. Men and women, the loss of one child will break the heart of the strongest.

Christopher and Tony played together in the hospital. They played, fought and shared common ground. Through the pain, frustration, and the battles, they became buddies. These children did not stay children long. They grew up overnight. They talked like teenagers, not like the preschoolers that they were. They talked of life, and
death. Each of them knew that this was a fight for their lives, and they knew that when someone died, they were not going to return. This is a terrible thing for any one, but particularly for a small child to realize.

Tony lost his war, about 6 months from when we met. He was brave always. Christopher seemed forever changed, with Tony's passing. Quieter. Even as the loss of so many of his friends, he always seemed to be able to find a smile. Yet at every loss, another child, and joined the fight.

As we headed into the 16th month of Christopher's war. We had a false sense of security. Christopher had been in remission, since almost the beginning. Christopher had to spend one bad week a month in the hospital, and was then able to spend 3 good weeks at home with us. So, we were sure that he would be in that 2 percent that survived. We
were no longer thinking of "what ifs."Wewerethinking "when" and planning for a bright future.

One bright morning, on the last spring of Christopher's life, I awoke to the chirping of the birds. I decided to make pancakes for the boys. They loved it when I would spell out their names in the batter, so they could eat the letters one at a time.

The children went outside to play with the dog until breakfast. I could hear them laughing, and playing. How happy I felt at that moment. The weather was beautiful. The smell of the sweet peas; the sparkle of the dew on the grass, the chirping birds, and the laughter of children; it was going to be a wonderful spring!

I was standing at the stove, just starting the first letter. Enjoying the smells of the morning. It was a moment when I felt real joy. Just a simple moment, to let my life feel sane, "normal" and happy. A moment when illness, hospitals, chemo, and dying, were something far away, a distant memory. A feeling of peace settled over me, it seemed to surround the home, my home. A feeling I shall not forget for the rest of my life.

Christopher ran in, slamming the door, he had come in to get one of his trucks. I listened to the sound of his running feet, the toys being moved around. I let my mind wander.

"Mommy?" he said as he tugged on my faded gown.

"MOMMY!!"

"Yes Christopher, what?"

"Mommy... Tony and Jesus came to see me last night."

"What??"

"Tony and Jesus came to see me last night."

I almost dropped the bowl I had in my hand. I did not want to react. Suddenly feeling like someone hit me in the stomach. I did not want to frighten him, and I certainly did not want to believe the words I had just heard. Getting a hold of my senses, I looked at him. Only he seemed changed somehow. He no longer seemed to be my 4 year old, but old, wise beyond his years. Peace and serenity seemed to surround him.

"Oh... Tony and Jesus came to visit you?" I asked as calmly as I could.

"Yes, Mommy... Tony and Jesus came. Jesus told me it was time for me to come home."

"Oh, baby, you are home!! This is your home, with Dad, your brothers, and me. This is your home."

"NO, Mommy" determined to make me understand.

"Jesus said it is time for me to go home. My real home."

Swallowing hard, to choke back the tears. Trying to make sense of this conversation. Trying to make these words go away. I did not want to upset him, but my sense of reality was shaken. What's he trying to tell me? Where was this coming from?

Gently he repeated himself, as if he knew I did not grasp it. "Mommy, Jesus said 'it is time for me to go home.'"

"oh"

"Tony said he will be there to play with me, just like we used to. And Jesus said he came so you would not worry. He said you would understand. That you would let me go home."

These words were not of my child; these words belonged to a wise old man. I looked deeply into his soft brown eyes, and smiled, even as my heart was breaking, realizing his war was almost over.

I bent down to hug him. He hugged me tightly and said

"Mommy, don't cry. It is ok. Tony will be there to play with me.

Could you make me a big 'C' this time?"

As suddenly as this extraordinary conversation had started; it had ended.

"Sure," I said "one big C for you!!" As he ran back outside to play with his brothers, I started to question if the conversation was as real as the pancakes on the stove.

Within a week the doctors told me Christopher was out of remission, and within 6 weeks, his war was over. He was off to play with Tony, Kristin, Shawn, Kelly, Aaron, Beatrice and all the other angels who had gone before. And he waited to play with those that went after.

But he left me with so many memories, of laughter, tears, joy and sorrows. But with each of these he left me hope. Hope and faith that life does continue, that there is a better place, that there is truly something more.

Where children play and never again have to feel pain.

M.L. Flowerdew

Saturday, August 16, 2003 8:06 PM CDT

Good parents nurture spiritual values in their children's lives. Although their children are ultimately responsible for accepting the truth of those values, wise parents...live as examples of authentic faith. They open themselves to spiritual growth and allow their children to observe that process, even if it means exposing their own imperfection and brokenness. They teach their children the tenets of faith - verbally, visually and metaphorically. They know and use the power of stories in making faith come alive. They gently guide their children into understanding spiritual truth instead of forcing them into rebellion. They do what they can to give their children positive experiences with the church, to portray God's love as well as his wrath, and to show the Christian life as the adventure it can be.

Janis Long Harris

Thursday, August 14, 2003 1:21 PM CDT

"As a woman could never describe the birth of her child with words, so she cannot ever describe their death. Only someone who has been there could understand and even then it still remains wordless."

-Quoted, very respectively

Though those words were not my own, they express a true fact.

As I met with another mom this week who has lost her sweet little girl to cancer, I realized that it is so hard to put into words what Jackson went through, what I have went through and what my husband and children have went through. And there I was, talking to her, and I didn't need to explain anything. She already understood.

The birth of our children. The day of diagnosis. The treatment. The doctors and nurses. The stress on the family. The disrespect from others at a time when you would have only hoped that they would look beyond themslves and let us concentrate on our children instead of dealing with added stress. Hearing the word "terminal". Holding on to faith the best that we could. Burying our child. Going home to a house that is missing an important part of our family. Living life afterward and always having that empty chair at the table. Packing little clothes. Every day is filled with on going moments.

For those waiting for me to move on....will I ever? Why would I? I can move forward, as I have done in every area of my life. But will I move on? Not talking about Jackson every day? Never.

Jackson Ben is my little boy. He was given to me. I will never let him go. I will never act like he wasn't here. For those who are uncomfortable talking about him, I can't be sorry for what I say. I would be uncomfortable NOT talking about him.

I know that many people have a love for Jackson. I watched his grandma's especially, give such deep love to him and bring him happiness. I could never thank them enough for all that they have done for Jack and our family. I know in my heart that they would have done that for any of their grandchildren.

Even so, their love was not the same as my love.

Jackson Ben is just as much part of this family as he always has been. I have 3 beautiful children here with me, and 1 beautiful son at home with Jesus. I am very blessed.

Monday, August 11, 2003 10:42 AM CDT

This message speaks for itself. I don't know how many times I have said things in my life that I wish that I hadn't. I try to always be on guard trying to watch carefully what I say. Words are a special gift. So many people use them endlessly and with no importance. Other's use them hurtfully or speaking on subjects that they have no business talking about. I think about how we will all be held accountable for every thought, every word and every action. That alone makes me think before I speak.

Choose Your Words Well
=======================

A certain good woman one day said something that hurt her best
friend of many years. She regretted it immediately and would
have done anything to have taken the words back. But they were
said impulsively in a moment of thoughtlessness, and as close
as she and her friend were, she didn't consider the effects of
her words before hand.

What she said hurt the friend so much that this good woman was
herself hurt for the pain she caused. In her effort to undo
what she had done, she went to an older, wiser woman in the
village, explained her situation, and asked for advice.

The older woman listened patiently in an effort to determine
just how sincere the younger woman was, how far she was willing
to go to correct the situation. She explained that sometimes,
in order to put things back in order, great efforts must be made.

She then asked, "Just what would you be willing to do to repair
the harm done?" The answer was heartfelt. "Anything!"

Listening to her, the older woman sensed the younger woman's
distress and knew she must help her. She also knew she could
never alleviate her pain by living her life for her, but she
could teach, if the younger woman would first listen and then
learn.

She knew the outcome would depend solely on the character of the
younger woman. She said, "There are two things you need to do to
make amends. The first of the two is extremely difficult.

Tonight, take your best feather pillows and open a small hole
in each one. Then, before the sun rises, you must put a single
feather on the doorstep of each house in town.

When you are through, come back to me. If you've done the first
thing completely, I'll tell you the second."

The young woman hurried home to prepare for her chore, even
though the pillows were very dear to her and very expensive.

All night long, she labored alone in the cold. She went from
doorstep to doorstep, taking care not to overlook a single
house. Her fingers were frozen, the wind was so sharp it caused
her eyes to water, but she ran on through the darkened streets,
thankful there was something she could do to put things back the
way they once were.

Finally as the sky was getting light, she placed the last
feather on the steps of the last house. Just as the sun rose,
she returned to the older woman.

She was exhausted but relieved that her efforts would be
rewarded.

"My pillows are empty. I placed a feather on the doorstep of
each home." "Now," said the wise woman, "Go back and refill your
pillows. Then everything will be as it was before."

The young woman was stunned. "You know that's impossible!
The wind blew away each feather as fast as I placed them on the
doorsteps! You didn't say I had to get them back! If this is
the second requirement, then things will never be the same."

"That's true," said the older woman. "Never forget. Each of
your words is like a feather in the wind. Once spoken, no
amount of effort, regardless how heartfelt or sincere, can ever
return them to your mouth. Choose your words well and guard
them most of all in the presence of those you love."

Author Unknown

Friday, August 8, 2003 12:22 AM CDT

I wanted to update today on our family.

Our daughter Jessie has been busy this summer with the county fairs. She did very well at the Polk Co. with her steer. She made the market for auction, so she has a good amount that she put in the bank for savings. She will be a sophmore this year. She will be turning "sweet 16" in December. She is driving as often as she can. She talks about Jackson often. Jessie and Jack were extremely close. She is a huge help to me at home and with Joe.

Our son Jake is on vacation with my mom. They go every year with all of the cousins and spend the weekend at Lake Superior. He has had a busy summer so far. He likes to golf weekly. He was in a golf tournament yesterday. He didn't do as well as he had hoped for. He finished his summer baseball program in July. He has been working quite a bit. He mows lawns, and is currently doing a large fence painting job with a friend. His new interest is mini-bikes. He will be in 7th grade this year. Jake talks daily about Jackson. He loves to talk about everything that Jack did, and what he would be doing now. Jake is also a very big help here at home. He has always been the organizer of this household.

We have come to learn that Jessie is a lot like her Dad. Jake is a lot like me. :) So we all even out somehow.

Our "baby" Joe has just turned 3 years old. He is so good for this family. We all enjoy him very much. He is extremely busy. He loves to play outside. He surely keeps us all on our toes! Joe also talks about Jack all the time. It is interesting to see, as Joe has seen Jackson in our home from the time that he has passed. He always talks about Jackson.

I am always curious when people come into our home. It makes me wonder how many see what we see. Of course I know that only the Lord can open peoples eyes.

I am in the process of planning the 2nd Annual "Footsteps for Victory" Childhood Cancer Awareness Fundraiser. It will be held on Saturday September 20, 2003. We had a really good turnout last year. It was a special day. As many of you know, we have Jack's footprints on the t-shirts. They were taken by the Child Life at Fairview. We have them framed here in my office.

I heard our pastor say. "footsteps mean possesion" and "footsteps mean victory".

Every where the souls of Jackson's feet have touched....

how many hearts would that be?

Tuesday, August 5, 2003 7:56 AM CDT

THE BLESSING IN "NO"
=====================

I asked God to take away my pride.
God said "No."
It is not for Me to take away,
but for you to give it up.

I asked God to make my handicapped child whole.
God said "No."
Her spirit was whole,
her body was only temporary.

I asked God to grant me patience.
God said "No."
Patience is a byproduct of tribulations;
it isn't granted,it is earned.

I asked God to give me happiness.
God said "No."
I give you blessings,
happiness is up to you.

I asked God to spare me pain.
God said "No."
Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares
and brings you closer to Me.

I asked God to make my spirit grow.
God said "No."
You must grow on your own,
but I will prune you to make you fruitful.

I asked for all things that I might enjoy life.
God said "No."
I will give you life so that you may enjoy all things.

I ask God to help me LOVE others, as much as He loves me.
God said... Ahhhh, finally you have the idea!

Sunday, August 3, 2003 9:35 AM CDT

Honesty:

Several years ago a preacher moved to Houston, Texas. Some weeks after he arrived, he had occasion to ride the bus from his home to the downtown area. When he sat down, he discovered that the driver had accidentally given him a quarter too much change. As he considered what to do, he thought to himself, you better give the quarter back.

It would be wrong to keep it. Then he thought, "Oh, forget it, it's only a quarter. Who would worry about this little amount? Anyway the bus company already gets too much fare; they will never miss it. Accept it as a gift from God and keep quiet." When his stop came, he paused momentarily at the door, then he handed the quarter to the driver and said, "Here, you gave me too much change."

The driver said with a smile, replied, "Aren't you the new preacher in town?" "I have been thinking lately about going to worship somewhere. I just wanted to see what you would do if I gave you too much change."

When my friend stepped off the bus, he literally grabbed the nearest light pole, and held on, and said, "Oh God, I almost sold your Son for a quarter." Our lives are the only Bible some people will ever read.

*****************************************************************************************************************

I heard our preacher say many times that your life lives so loudly it drowns out all of your words.

God doesn't need salesman, He needs billboards.

We can talk all we want about going to church, teaching Sunday school, being a Christian. If we don't live the life, then we don't have what it takes.

Some people would like to say: I am a believer. I believe in God. I believe that the Bible is true. Well my friends, even Satan can say those things. I believe it takes a true, born-again believer to make it on that day when Jesus will come back for His Bride.

Jackson lived his whole life for the Lord.

My prayer is that one day you will be able to meet this precious boy. Please be there.

Thursday, July 31, 2003 10:06 AM CDT

I appreciate the comment of wondering if I feel responsible for Jackson’s leukemia.

That alone holds a multitude of answers.

Do I feel responsible? I do not blame myself for his sickness. My children are no different then any one else’s in that aspect. Cancer can happen to any one at any time. That is what I would like people “outside” of that cancer world to understand.

If we are not an advocate for our own child, who will be?

If we do not do our best to protect them, who will?

If I had really known and understood the many dangers and toxins in the world, would I not want to do my best to protect myself and my children from them?

The reason I put on the hot dog article, as trivial as it might seem, was because that is yet another example of how we as people are under the false assumption that any food or product that we purchase in the store is “safe” for us.

Hot dogs, bacon, cured meats, etc. The majority of the brands available have such an extremely high nitrate count that your chances of developing leukemia increases 9 times.

My point being, had I known that before, I certainly would not have fed them to my children. Had I known that information, Jack certainly would not have eaten them, to his last day. I would have totally eliminated any such thing from his diet to better his chances at a healthy body. Simply put.

It’s not all about the food though. Did you know that Senator Kennedy has numerous appeals that he made to Congress for FDA reform on the labeling of our household and personal care products?

I have put that on here before. I have a document from Senator Kennedy's website that states that we the consumers unknowingly are using shampoos, toothpaste, lotions, household cleaners, etc. that have known and proven carcinogens.

There are over 125 ingredients documented by Congress that are known to cause cancer that are in the mainstream market products. OSHA has a list of over 880 harmful ingredients in products.

Who would have ever thought that? No body wants to believe it, but it is true.

If you had the choice, wouldn’t you want to protect your family from hidden dangers?
That is why we made the choice for toxin-free personal care & household products. Because it is increasing our protection , and it was an easy thing to do.

As a thought: Some parents let their kids eat junk food all day. Or fast food. Or drink pop all day instead of water. Some let their kids stay up late. Watch too much TV. What child wouldn’t want to do that? Isn’t our responsibility as parents to guide them, teach them, and take care of them? My children would love to do that all day… if I let them.

It is my duty. My obligation. My responsibility to take these actions, as a parent.

After losing a child, a very special and loved child, it becomes very apparent that these children are not ours. They can be given and taken at any time. A child is a special gift. I cherish this job called mother. This is why I am here. :)

I truly believe that Jackson’s life was to teach me many things. Mostly about God and having faith. Also about love. Joy. Peace. But it the midst of it all I was led to this information about cancer prevention. I have spent 3 years studying on it. Gathering facts, not hearsay. I need to share it with others. When I see so many hundreds of children on the cancer kids sites alone, it makes my heart ache.

Perhaps I talk on this too much, but I don’t feel so. We have a huge history of cancer in our family. My grandpa had leukemia also. I want to do everything that I know how, to protect my children.

I love my children so much, and I would do anything for them. These decisions that I made were so simple. Isn’t that the least that I could do for them is what I figure.

Tuesday, July 29, 2003 9:10 AM CDT

As part of my mission to bring childhood cancer awareness to other parent's, I would like to bring the following information to your attention. Had I known the seriousness of this, I would have never let my children have eaten them. Jackson loved hot dogs. To his very last day.

Hot Dogs: Questions and Answers

Q. What's wrong with hot dogs?

A. Three different studies have come out in the past year, finding that the consumption of hot dogs can be a risk factor for childhood cancer.

Peters et al. studied the relationship between the intake of certain foods and the risk of leukemia in children from birth to age 10 in Los Angeles County between 1980 and 1987. The study found that children eating more than 12 hot dogs per month have nine times the normal risk of developing childhood leukemia. A strong risk for childhood leukemia also existed for those children whose fathers' intake of hot dogs was 12 or more per month.

Researchers Sarusua and Savitz studied childhood cancer cases in Denver and found that children born to mothers who consumed hot dogs one or more times per week during pregnancy has approximately double the risk of developing brain tumors. Children who ate hot dogs one or more times per week were also at higher risk of brain cancer.

Bunin et al, also found that maternal consumption of hot dogs during pregnancy was associated with an excess risk of childhood brain tumors.

Q. How could hot dogs cause cancer?

A. Hot dogs contain nitrites which are used as preservatives, primarily to combat botulism. During the cooking process, nitrites combine with amines naturally present in meat to form carcinogenic N-nitroso compounds. It is also suspected that nitrites can combine with amines in the human stomach to form N-nitroso compounds. These compounds are known carcinogens and have been associated with cancer of the oral cavity, urinary bladder, esophagus, stomach and brain.

Q. Some vegetables contain nitrites, do they cause cancer too?

A. It is true that nitrites are commonly found in many green vegetables, especially spinach, celery and green lettuce. However, the consumption of vegetables appears to be effective in reducing the risk of cancer. How is this possible? The explanation lies in the formation of N-nitroso compounds from nitrites and amines. Nitrite containing vegetables also have Vitamin C and D, which serve to inhibit the formation of N-nitroso compounds. Consequently, vegetables are quite safe and healthy, and serve to reduce your cancer risk.

Q. Do other food products contain nitrites?

A. Yes, all cured meats contain nitrites. These include bacon and fish.

Q. Are all hot dogs a risk for childhood cancer?

A. No. Not all hot dogs on the market contain nitrites. Because of modern refrigeration methods, nitrites are now used more for the red color they produce (which is associated with freshness) than for preservation. Nitrite-free hot dogs, while they taste the same as nitrite hot dogs, have a brownish color that has limited their popularity among consumers. When cooked, nitrite-free hot dogs are perfectly safe and healthy.

HERE ARE FOUR THINGS THAT YOU CAN DO:

1. Do not buy hot dogs containing nitrite. It is especially important that children and potential parents do not consume 12 or more of these hot dogs per month.

2. Request that your supermarket have nitrite-free hot dogs available.

3. Contact your local school board and find out whether children are being served nitrite hot dogs in the cafeteria, Request that they use only nitrite-free hot dogs.

4. Write the FDA and express your concern that nitrite-hot dogs are not labeled for their cancer risk to children. You can mention CPC's petition on hot dogs, docket #: 95P 0112/CP1.

FOR MORE INFORMATION:
Cancer Prevention Coalition c/o School of Public Health
University of Illinois Medical Center
2121 West Taylor Street
Chicago, IL 60612
Tel: (312) 996-2297, Fax: (312) 996-1374
Email: epstein@uic.edu

References:
1, Peters J, et al " Processed meats and risk of childhood leukemia (California, USA)" Cancer Causes & Control 5: 195-202, 1994.
2 Sarasua S, Savitz D. " Cured and broiled meat consumption in relation to childhood cancer: Denver, Colorado (United States)," Cancer Causes & Control 5:141-8, 1994.
3 Bunin GR, et al. "Maternal diet and risk of astrocytic glioma in children: a report from the children's cancer group (United States and Canada)," Cancer Causes & Control 5:177-87, 1994.
4. Lijinsky W, Epstein, S. "Nitrosamines as environmental carcinogens," Nature 225 (5227): 2112, 1970.

Sunday, July 27, 2003 2:33 PM CDT

Just some thoughts today: One of the reasons that I had quit writing in this journal for so many months was because of the fact that your life becomes an "open book" in the most literal sense. Everyone and anyone can come visit this page and read whatever is on my mind and in my heart. It came to be such a point of analyzation from other's that I often thought, why do people come here if they don't like what I have to say? I see that many times on other children's websites also, and this is why I will mention it. I have made some very close friendships with other mother's and this has bothered me enough to talk about it now. The parents get analyzed and criticized for what is written. I have read very hateful remarks left by people, and even some who won't sign their names. It is a hard thing to go through, especially in the middle of trying and emotional times. Many times people will write a note of concern and then sign with "a friend" , when I have to wonder, if they were such a good friend, why can't they sign their name? Strange. Other times of course if you are actually leaving an encouraging note, then the "friend" might be appropriate. But it is nice to know who is taking the time to care about you enough to visit. There is a phrase that is used by the website writers that refers to people that come on weekly or daily looking for an update, but never sign their name or leave a message of encouragement. They are called "lurkers". That is not written to offend anyone. I don't get too concerned about it, as I too stop by on other's children's sites and don't sign in every time. One thing that I do know though is that it is disheartening to come to your own child's website and see that visitor count go up by the hundred every day and see that no one has actually signed in. This is an honest feeling that many share. I have come to the point where I don't care about that as much as I used to, but I do know that some parents who are needing an encouraging word do get discouraged by that. Something to keep in mind.

Another thing that I was thinking about this weekend, was how we often write about our feelings and what might be bothering us about the way that we were treated during our child's ongoing battle with cancer. There gets to be so much vented up frustration with people that didn't support you in the way that you would have expected or hoped for. Many times we forget to talk about the many, many people that were so kind and so good. I apologize for not mentioning that enough.

We have been so very blessed here. Not only with Jackson's life, and the amazing testimony that came with him, but also many caring and giving family and friends that sacrificed for Jack and our family and gave us support above and beyond any expectations that I could have ever have.

I would love to name names, but won't. They know who they are. Such amazing love. I thank you deeply for your kindness to us, and for always putting Jackson in your priorities and for showing him happiness, comfort and love. Thank you . Thank you.

So many good friends and family that gave us support. Emotionally. Physically. Financially. You were wonderful to us. You filled our lives with the love that we needed to endure. Jackson always talked about his friends that he knew loved him.

I also have new friends that I have met through the hospitals,clinics, and other websites. You have given me so much needed bonding and friendship. I only hope that I can be the same for you as you have been for me.

Amidst all of this, life has been so very blessed.

May you be blessed a hundred fold for all of the love that you have shown to us here. :)

Tuesday, July 22, 2003 9:43 AM CDT

Facts On Carcinogens At Home

According to a National Academy of Sciences workshop, approximately 15 percent of the American population suffer from chemical sensitivity. Researchers have traced this increased sensitivity to the proliferation of synthetic chemicals in consumer products and furnishings.*

According to the EPA, indoor air pollution is one of the nation's most pressing personal health concerns. Peak concentrations of 20 toxic compounds - some linked with cancer and birth defects - were 200 to 500 times higher inside some homes than outdoors, according to a 5-year EPA study that surveyed 600 homes in six cities.*

Residues of more than 400 toxic chemicals - some found in household products and foods - have been identified in human blood and fat tissue.*

Symptoms such as runny nose, itchy eyes, a scratchy throat, headaches, fatigue, dizziness, skin rash, and respiratory infections are all common reactions to indoor air pollution. Left untreated, long-term exposure to indoor pollution can result in lung cancer, or damage to the liver, kidney and central nervous system. Young children are especially vulnerable to impaired lung function and respiratory infection.*

The risk for leukemia increases by four to seven times for children, ages 10 and under, whose parents use home or garden pesticides.*

The risk of childhood brain cancer is associated with the use of pesticide "bombs" in the home, pesticides to control termites, flea collars on pets, insecticides in the garden or orchard, and herbicides to control weeds in the yard, including exposure to two common pesticides available in garden shops - carbaryl and diazinon.*

In 1990, more than 4,000 toddlers under age four were admitted to hospital emergency rooms as a result of household cleaner-related injuries. That same year, 18,000 pesticide-related hospital emergency room admissions were reported with almost three-fourths for children age fourteen and under.*

Metylene chloride, the propellant used in many aerosol products, is carcinogenic. Some products containing methylene chloride have been pulled from the market, but the carcinogen continues to be found in many consumer products such as spray paint and stripper.*

Not a single cosmetic company warns consumers of the presence of carcinogens in its products - despite the fact that a number of common cosmetic ingredients are carcinogenic or carcinogenic precursors.*

Some experts estimate that 20 percent of non-Hodgkin's lymphoma cases among women are attributable to their use of hair dyes.

Safety Guidelines For Avoiding Carcinogens At home

Read all labels carefully before using products. Be aware of their uses and dangers.
Leave products in their original container with the label that clearly identifies the contents.
Never put household products in food or beverage containers.
Do not mix products unless the label directs you to do so. This can cause explosive or poisonous chemical reactions. Even different brands of the same product may contain incompatible ingredients.
Use only what is needed. Twice as much doesn't mean twice the results. Follow the label.
If pregnant, avoid toxic chemical exposure as much as possible. Many toxic products have not been fully tested for their effects on the unborn.
Use products in well-ventilated areas to avoid inhaling fumes. Open windows and use an exhaust fan, making sure air is exiting outside rather than being recirculated indoors. Take plenty of fresh air breaks. Be sure to use adequate skin, eye, and respirator protection.
Do not eat, drink, or smoke while using hazardous products. Traces of hazardous chemicals can be carried from hand to mouth. Smoking can start a fire if the products are flammable.
Clean up after using hazardous products. Carefully seal containers.
FOR MORE INFORMATION:

Cancer Prevention Coalition c/o School of Public Health
University of Illinois Medical Center
2121 West Taylor Street Chicago, IL 60612
(312) 996-2297, Fax: (312) 996-1374
Email: epstein@uic.edu

Recommended Reading:

Steinman, David and Samuel Epstein, MD, Safe Shopper's Bible, Macmillan Publishing Company, 1995.

Steinman, David, Diet for a Poisoned Planet, Ballantine Books, 1990, $12.50.

Berthold-Bond, Annie, Clean & Green, The Complete Guide to Non-toxic Housekeeping, Ceres Press, 1989, $8.95.

Dadd, Debra Lynn, The Nontoxic Home & Office, Jeremy Tarcher Press, 1992.

Harte, John, Cheryl Holdren, Richard Schneider and Christine Shirley, Toxics A to Z: A Guide to Everyday Pollution Hazards, University of California Press, 1991.

Needleman, Herbert and Philip Landrigan, Raising Children Toxic Free: How to keep Your Child Safe from lead, Asbestos, Pesticides and Other Environmental Hazards, Farrar, Straus & Giroux, 1994.

Thursday, July 17, 2003 8:20 AM CDT

I have decided that I would like to do a weekly update on this site. Maybe it will be thoughts, or an article that I have found to be important enough to share.

Today I was thinking about the "parenting" of a child during treatment of cancer. I am pretty sure that everyone on the outside of this situation would have no idea of what happens to your life or your days when you have a child in treatment.

The families whole life revolves around the "scheduling" of doctors appointments, all in the hope of success, with your child's life on the line.

When Jackson was in treatment, I was pregnant with baby Joe. For nine months, we traveled on a regular basis back and forth to Minneapolis. When the hospital stays would come, planned or unexpected due to fever, we would get right on the road. I think often of how my mom or Mike's mom would always rearrange their schedules to help us out with Jessie and Jake. I know that it was a sacrifice for them, and we will always appreciate all that they have done, as I know that they did it out of love...and also that they would have done it for any of their children or grandchildren.

I was in the hospital with Jack up until the last few days before having the baby. From that point on, life was very busy. Mike ended up doing most of the travels with Jack. A baby in a clinic waiting room with an hour and a half drive each way was always a struggle.

Clinic visits are usually pretty quick. Mostly just vitals, a quick check up and blood draws for counts. Our weekly schedule consisted of such.

As I have written about before, I know that the baby was sent here for a special blessing for us. Along with that though came many sacrifices with Jackson.

Every one always wanted to help out with Jack. I often found myself to be the one left behind with the baby.

I was thinking this morning about the one day that someone helped with Joe, and I don't even remember who it was.

In Jackson's last few months, we picked an afternoon and went for a drive. I remember how he held my hand as we drove. He kept smiling up at me. His precious little smile.

It had been 6 or 7 months at that time that we had some private time together. We were only gone about 2 hours. We ran errands to a few places.

I think about that now....2 hours out of 6 or 7 months to be alone with my child that would be gone in a matter of weeks.

I remember how even on that day I had heard about some comments that were made about us and where we had stopped that day. When I think about that, I am so disappointed.

Jack and I had 2 hours of trying to be "normal" and enjoy our time together. It was the most special time, just singing and talking.

If I could change anything about that point in time, I would ask for more help.

Thursday, July 10, 2003 9:25 PM CDT

What Is Normal?
Written by Clara Hinton | Jan 27, 2003

Following a loss, well-meaning friends & family members have often said, "I wish that he/she would act normal again. It's been so long since we've had any fun together. I can't wait until the old person returns.
Unfortunately, what most people don't understand is that life will never, ever again be the same for the parents who have lost a child.

The fact is that the parents often realize early on, "I forget how to feel normal! I don't even know what normal is anymore!" When a child dies, no matter what the surrounding circumstances, life as was once known, is turned upside down for a while. Nothing makes much sense. The things that kept life so busy before the death of the child don't matter anymore.

Who cares if the laundry is clean? Who worries about keeping the garage neat? Why bother to think about buying groceries? Food has lost its taste, & there is no energy to cook a meal. For a long time following the death of a child, life seems void & meaningless. Friends & family members find this part of grief particularly disturbing. Others are ready to move forward in life, taking on the mundane routines of living once again. For the parent, though, life will never be viewed quite the same again.

Normal takes on a new meaning to parents who have had a child die. Things such a fine china, fancy furniture, & collectible knick-knacks don't mean anything. It is of no interest to discuss the make & model of the car you are driving. What matters is finding some way to help you get through this time of acceptance & healing. There is no set of rules for normal living following the loss of a child. Some people would prefer there to be a book of rules. It would make life a lot easier for everyone to have special grief guidelines to follow. Instead, we must learn to accept as normal whatever anyone chooses as his/her way of working through the particular grief of the day.

We must each remember that grief is individual, & grief will touch every person just a little bit differently. Tears. Anger. Frustration. Excessive talking. No talking. Working longer hours. All are normal ways to work
through the tremendously difficult emotional swings of child loss. A parent will often think that he/she will never again resume normal living. In a sense, that is correct. I will never again be the same because losing a
child changes the way a parent views life. Grief never leaves. It becomes more gentle, but it never completely goes away.

All of this is not to say that life will never be joyful again. Joy will return, but probably in different ways than you experienced joy before the death of your child. Priorities in life will change. Small things will carry great meaning. A flower will take on the look of a miracle. The blue sky will give a feeling of renewed hope & inspiration. Somewhere deep down inside you will know that your new "normal" is a more simplistic, more abundant way of viewing life.

If you are feeling like you have forgotten what normal is since your child died, you are not alone. Every parent who has experienced child loss goes through a time of questioning. Following the questioning, though,is a renewed sense of self & a new perspective of life. Grief never leaves, & you'll never feel like your old normal self again. But, you will feel hope & joy as you continue on in your journey of healing from the deep,life-changing grief of child loss.

Clara Hinton Author - Silent Grief Founder -
http://www.silentgrief.com

Friday, July 4, 2003 10:39 AM CDT

Happy 4th of July!

It is a cooler morning here in Wisconsin. Much welcomed I might add after this last week. Hot and humid it was yesterday.

Our little baby Joe will be 3 years old tomorrow. It seems very odd to me. Jack was 3 when he passed. His little brother Joe is a real mixture of Jackson and Jacob. He looks so much like them both, and acts like them also. He really acts like Jack. So many of his movements and comments. On a daily basis we are taken back. It is almost like Jack talks through him sometimes. I know that sounds odd, and it is, but it is true.

Ever since Jackson has passed, we have watched Joe looking around the house, smiling at someone, talking to someone, playing with someone at times. As we look at the pictures of the 4 children, Joe will name all of them. Many times he will talk about Jackson and go get that picture.

Joe was 10 months old when Jack passed. He really needs his brother. It is hard to see him play, knowing that he and Jack would have so much fun together. Jacob and Jessie are good for him, but they are so much older.

As most people know, I found out I was pregnant with Joe on the same day that Jackson was diagnosed. It was more then overwhelming to say the least. So many things to take care of. It was hard, but it was also perfect.

I had wondered from the first day if the baby was coming because Jackson was going home.

Joe was only a few months old when Jack went in for bone marrow transplant. Anyone who has went through that knows how demanding the treatment and hospital stay is and how strict they are on visitors and room germs. I could've been the one to stay with Jack, as I had the whole year of hospital stays before that. We knew how stressful it would be for everyone, and we opted for Mike to stay instead. I was the one home with the other 3 children. It was a sacrifice that some criticized. It also was the only choice for us at that time.

I am a mother. That was a choice. It was a very hard one that has always brought a heavy heart.

I have often wondered why the timing of everything was the way it was. Had I not had baby Joe, it would have been different.

Had I not had baby Joe, where would I be now? He has brought me amazing comfort. He has brought abundant joy to Mike and I. He has made Jessie and Jake laugh again to have a little brother.

We miss Jackson beyond words....but I can also see that God had a plan. He also knew our needs. God's timing is perfect.

Thank you for stopping by......Wishing you all a wonderful weekend.

Tuesday, June 24, 2003 6:07 PM CDT

An article written by someone else, that I found to be quite helpful.

An Early Journey Home

God is the ultimate expert. Other grieving parents are experts. We are not experts -- we are helpers and are to uphold the grieving heart. For us to give advice is analogous to the nonswimmer standing on the shore yelling instructions at the swimmer caught in a riptide out in the ocean. If you don't dive into the water yourself and help carry the swimmer out, then you cannot be of help. Helpers must be willing to enter the grieving process with the sufferers, not stand on the sidelines giving advice to the sufferers. Not only is advice giving not helpful; it can actually do harm. Jesus Christ calls us to be comforters, those who come alongside (paracletes) our fellow brethren.

There is a very long journey after the death of a child. The most effective helpers are those who have supported the family during the diagnosis, hospitalization and dying process. They have walked the entire road and this sharing of pain should also extend into grief work. To cry with mourners is one of the most therapeutic gifts you can offer. Yet, often friends and family will distance themselves from the grieving family to protect themselves from pain.

The following letter is an integration from interviews with grieving families, research on death and personal experience. It is designed to show what effectively helps the griever.

Dear Helper,

I have never known pain like this before. In losing my child, I have not only lost my dear loved one, I have lost a part of myself. I, his mother, carried him inside of me for nine months. He was part-me and will always be a part of me. Holding him in my arms for the first time was a time of joy. Holding him for the last time was a time of grief and sorrow. My life has changed forever from his death.

From the time he was first diagnosed, the hospital became our lifeline. There were weeks when the staff was the only contact we had with the world. While we were isolated on a cancer rollercoaster, everyone else was was moving forward. For years we were with other families on the same rollercoaster but when our child died, we were thrown off and suddenly, our lifeline and those friends were gone.

There have been changes during this time; changes that have been as painful and significant as the life-altering death of our child. Grieving is very hard work. When the shock first wore off, it required every ounce of concentration and energy we had. People often said, "Time heals all wounds" or "It gets easier with time". But both are wrong. Time does not heal. It does not get easier with time. At times the anguish and grief of my child's dying is as fresh and deep as the day it happened. As time passes, we actually have an hour or a day since we last thought of our child but his memory, his death will never die, or disappear, not even diminish. Walk with me as I acknowledge my grief and pain., please do not walk away as if I had some disease.

Everyone grieves differently, in different times frames in different ways. Remember that if I have been a private, introverted person who gained perspective in solitude, please know I will need privacy to work through this. If I have always been an active person, please do not advise me to slow down or "face" reality. Understand that I will move through stages of grief -- shock, denial, anger, guilt, and depression. It may take a few months or a few years to go through this, but I will go through them all.

Above all, listen to me. What I need most is unconditional acceptance and a safe place to grieve. Let me be angry at God or everyone around me, allow me to wonder if the death is my fault -- most of all, be my safe place to talk and cry and feel and totally accepted. Do not analyze my words or tell me I need counseling. Do not make trite, insensitive statements such as , "God will not give you more than you can bear," "At least you have another child," "He is better off now". Please do not say or do anything to minimize my grief. This only says you have no idea how deeply I am hurting. Please do not share scripture out of context or at me with no effort made to come beside and support me. Just pray for me.

I must walk through every memory to relive our life together. I must look at every picture, touch every toy, see the half-done homework, hear his favorite songs, etc. Let me be immersed in my grief until I am ready to resurface. Do not try to change me. Please do not avoid the subject of my deceased child. Don't avoid his name in conversation as if he never existed. That is very painful to me. Please remember us on his birthday, date of death and holidays. The first year will be the hardest and the pain will always be there. Please don't forget him. Please don't wait for me to be my "old self". Losing my child has changed me forever. Fifty years from now, my grief will still be with me; I carry it with me everywhere I go. Its like the angel on my shoulder and he is always there to remind me of my lost child.

Love,
The Griever

Tuesday, June 17, 2003 10:50 PM CDT

JOSH GROBAN

"To Where You Are"

Who can say for certain
Maybe you're still here
I feel you all around me
Your memories so clear

Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You're still an inspiration
Can it be
That you are mine
Forever love
And you are watching over me from up above

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile to know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream
And isn't faith believing
All power can't be seen

As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me everyday
'Cause you are mine
Forever love
Watching me from up above

And I believe
That angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave

Fly me up
To where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile
To know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

I know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

Missing you, my little boy.

Wednesday, June 11, 2003 4:43 PM CDT

When Jackson was first admitted to Mpls. Children's Hospital, it was within days after Thanksgiving.
He was 26 months old. He still seemed like a baby
in many ways. Yet, he endured his days like such
a brave little man.

We are still so thankful to this day for the
pecial time that we had to spend with him. Every
day was joy.

We think often of the other children. So many that
we have grown to love. The 8th floor at Children's was the "cancer" floor. It was always full.

Almost every child that was there in the clinic and the hospital passed many months or years before Jackson.
It broke our heart every time.

I read some of the other children's web pages.
Mike and I pray daily for these children.

4 little boys have passed in the last week.
One is about ready to.
All around the age Jack would be now.
My heart is so heavy for these families.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Childhood cancer is a very real and very serious issue.

As we begin to prepare for Jackson's "Footsteps for Victory" Run this September, I would ask you all to
become more informed on childhood cancer and to join
us in the fight against this cancer.

We have much information available that we will
send out freely. You also can check out the link
below on cancer prevention. All proceeds from
Jack's race go to benefit families that are already
in this battle with a cancer.

xoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Jackson would pray every night for
"all of the sick kids", in Jesus name.

Please also remember them.

Wednesday, June 11, 2003 4:21 PM CDT

When Jackson was first admitted to Mpls. Children's Hospital, it was within days after Thanksgiving. He was 26 months old. He still seemed like a baby in many ways. Yet, he endured his days like such a brave little man.

We are still so thankful to this day for the special time that we had to spend with him. Every day was joy.

We think often of the other children. So many that we have grown to love. The 8th floor at Children's was the "cancer" floor. It was always full. Almost every child that was there in the clinic and the hospital passed many months or years before Jackson. It broke our heart every time.

I read some of the other children's web pages. Mike and I pray daily for these children.

4 little boys have passed in the last week. One is about ready to. All around the age Jack would be now. My heart is so heavy for these families.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Childhood cancer is a very real and very serious issue.

As we begin to prepare for Jackson's "Footsteps for Victory" Run this September, I would ask you all to become more informed on childhood cancer and to join us in the fight against this cancer.

We have much information available that we will send out freely. You also can check out the link below on cancer prevention. All proceeds from Jack's race go to benefit families that are already in this battle with a cancer.

xoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Jackson would pray every night for "all of the sick kids", in Jesus name.

Please also remember them.

Monday, June 2, 2003 11:14 AM CDT

You are my sunshine...this sunshine border reminded me of so many things.

One of the songs that I always have sang to my children when they were little.

Jackson loved the sunshine. I was remembering something that he had said one morning as we walked out of the grocery store. He was pushing the little cart out to the car and he looked at me and said, "isn't it a beautiful day out today,mother?" It sticks out so much in my mind. He always had such a positive attitude, amidst all of this chaos of treatment going on. I remember how he was just smiling that morning....with his little sunglasses on. He had red ones, and blue ones, and some black ones that were pretty "cool". A child in treatment rarely goes anywhere without their sunglasses. A cuteness that becomes neccessity.

As much as Jack loved the sunshine, I remember how his little eyes would hurt from it even under those dark glasses. Or how many days we sat in the house with blankets on our windows because the light was too bright. The days seem sad to me looking back on them now, but it was a special time....just Jack & I alone in our little world.

I remember in bone marrow transplant how sick he had become from it all. His little face was so swollen. The nurse had put a chart on the side of his bed. It had many different faces with different "feelings" to express how he was feeling.

Jackson always said that he was the happy face. He would name other family members that were the sad face, or the worried face. He was always the happy face. :)

My mom had given him one time a little yellow happy face ball. He loved to carry that around. He would laugh and laugh about that little happy face guy.

He was a happy little boy.

************************************************************************************************************

There is a cookbook that is currently available from one of our business associates, called Honest Abe Log Homes. All of the proceeds from the sale of these books go to the National Cancer Awareness Foundation, which helps families financially who are in cancer treatments etc.

The book was dedicated to Jackson Ben, and to all of those who have bravely battled cancer.

Feel free to contact me if you are interested in ordering one.

Many blessings to you all! Thank you for stopping by.

Thursday, May 15, 2003 5:07AM CDT

2 years ago today...seems like a very long time to go with out the little boy here in our arms. It has been very hard. So much harder then anyone would care to know. And yet, it seems like just yesterday that he was here with us in our home...although his presence in our lives is still very real.

The hardest thing for me is just missing his little self. His smile. His laugh. The extreme joy that he brought to our family and those that were around him. Many people were blessed to have Jackson Ben in their lives.

Jackson had a presence that could stop the room from talking and bring a smile to everyone. We witnessed that happen many times.

Jackson had a special personality. He had special ways about him. He had such a simple faith. He had an amazing testimony. He had perfect love.

I have continued to read a few pages on other children. It is overwhelming to see how many precious children have battled this disease. It is a sad time that we are living in. No child should have to endure this pain. I wish that more people would get involved in the awareness of childhood cancer. It is a very serious issue, and we all must make a stand for our children. So many people who were witness to Jackson's battle with cancer, and still don't take it seriously.

There are many deep emotions that go along with losing a child. It never goes away. Each day does not get easier. It gets functionable.

It has been most hard to always have to be the strong one for everyone. Ever since the day of Jack's diagnosis, it has been that way. Even after finding out that I was pregnant with Joe on that very same day, I still had to be the strong one of the group. That has become very wearing.

And as certain other's sat by and analyzed my every move, my every word and action and even analyzing this journal. I wonder daily why we were made to endure that. Only to become stronger I am sure.

Jackson's life was such an amazing and wonderfully joyful experience....even amidst the pain and suffering. He was the most strong of all. He had an incredible testimony that I have tried and tried to put into words. It is hard as it is so beyond words.

I often tell people that saying about "it is better to have loved and lost, then to never have loved at all". Would I trade the grief and sorrow to have never have gone through this with Jackson. Absolutely not. Every second with him was so worth it. Jack taught me more about life, love and the Lord then anyone else ever has.

Jackson had a very real message to bring. His crown will shine very bright.

God had told us years ago that it was all going to be alright. There was a Master plan. One day many of you will know what that plan was.

My deepest prayer has always been that God would bless those who have been kind to us.

Thank you for visiting here today.

Thank you for your words of encouragement.

Thank you for remembering my precious little boy.

Love, Michelle & family

Wednesday, April 23, 2003 2:16 PM CDT

Godspeed-Sweet Dreams

Dragon tales and the Water is Wide
Pirates sail and lost boys fly
Fish bite moonbeams every night
And I love you

Godspeed little man
Sweet Dreams little man
Oh, my love will fly to you each night on angel's wings
Godspeed-Sweet Dreams

The rocket racer's all tuckered out
Superman's in pajamas on the couch
Goodnight moon we'll find the mouse
And I love you

Godspeed little man
Sweet Dreams little man
Oh, my love will fly to you each night on angel's wings
Godspeed-Sweet Dreams

God bless Mommy and matchbox cars
God bless Dad and thanks for the stars
God hears "Amen" wherever we are
And I love you

Godspeed little man
Sweet Dreams little man
Oh, my love will fly to you each night on angel's wings
Godspeed,Godspeed
Godspeed-Sweet Dreams

All of our love to the little boy. Our precious little boy.

Thursday, April 10, 2003 12:29 AM CDT

The Road of Life

At first, I saw God as my observer, my judge,
keeping track of the things I did wrong, so as to
know whether I merited heaven or hell when I die. He
was out there sort of like a president. I recognized
His picture when I saw it, but I really didn't know
Him. But later on when I met Christ, it seemed as
though life were rather like a bike ride, but it was
a tandem bike, and I noticed that Christ was in the
back helping me pedal. I don't know just when it was
that He suggested we change places, but life has not
been the same since.

When I had control, I knew the way. It was rather
boring, but predictable it was the shortest distance
between two points. But when He took the lead, He
knew delightful long cuts, up mountains, and through
rocky places at breakneck speeds. It was all I could
do to hang on!

Even though it looked like madness, He said,
"Pedal!" I worried and was anxious and asked, "Where
are you taking me?" He smiled and didn't answer,
and I started to learn to trust. I forgot my boring
life and entered into the adventure, and when I'd
say, "I'm scared," He'd lean back and touch my hand.
I gained love, peace, acceptance and joy; gifts to
take on my journey, My Lord's and mine. And we were
off again.

He said, "Give the gifts away. They're extra
baggage, too much weight." So I did, to the people
we met, and I found that in giving I received, and
still our burden was light.

I did not trust Him, at first, in control of my
life. I thought He'd wreck it; but he knows bike
secrets, knows how to make it bend to take sharp
corners, knows how to jump to clear high rocks,
knows how to fly to shorten, scary passages. And I
am learning to shut up and pedal in the strangest
places, and I'm beginning to enjoy the view and the
cool breeze on my face with my delightful constant
companion, Jesus Christ.

And when I'm sure I just can't do it anymore, He
just smiles and says... "Pedal."

Monday, March 31, 2003 7:44 PM CST

Hello to all,

I have been thinking tonight, how it has been exactly 2 years since we heard the devastating news of Jackson's relapse. It has been so heavy on my heart lately, as I hear every week of another child that has relapsed... Another child that has passed on. Cancer is a very hard battle. Some days it can be hard to be encouraging to other's, as it seems that fewer and fewer children survive this battle.

I do know a number of children that are doing well though, and seem to have journeyed through this battle successfully. I am so thankful for their little lives! I would have to say though, that even they know they have beat the odds. Their stories are unlike most others.

But there is always hope...hope in healing, and faith in the Lord. There is nothing that can not be healed by The Almighty. That is why He is called The Great Physician. :)

All parents of children with cancer and other life threatening diseases, need to hold to that hope and believe in their heart that their children will make it through...that some how you will find the answer that your child needs to live. We must always believe that. Your beliefs and your thoughts are very powerful.

I have also found hope and a strong belief in the knowledge of cancer prevention.

And so, my mission goes on. I would invite that any of you who are interested in joining on this quest for cancer prevention, for the sake of children everywhere....to please feel free to contact me. I surely don't know as much as I need to on this subject, but will share what I can. A special thank you to those who have already contacted me about this. Your help and interest is greatly appreciated. :)

And so the question continues.....how does a small child even begin to have cancer? Remember when that was a disease that "old people" had?

Did you know that in the early 1900's, cancer was 1 out of 8,000 people and today it is 1 out of 2?

Something in our world, in our environment, and in our bodies has changed. Toxic overload. Toxins are taking over. Some people are more tolerant perhaps, but children are at a higher risk.

Did you know that the National Toxicology Program completed a study in 1998 that found an association between the topical application of DEA (diethanolamine) and certain DEA-related ingredients in relation to cancer in laboratory animals? To check out products that contain DEA; TEA; MEA, you can take a look at soap, shampoos, antibacterial soaps, etc.

Did you know that DEA has been banned from use in Europe for over 10 years because it has been proven to be a carcinogen, yet it is still in products sold in the U.S.?

Did you know that Senator Edward Kennedy assigned a non-partisan group of Congress to do a study on cancer causing ingredients in personal care products back in 1997, and they found over 125 chemicals in products that are suspected of causing cancer? There is a Statement from Senator Kennedy that was made on September 10, 1997 and was presented to Congress to push for FDA Reform on these matters. I have that copy, if you care to read it. Also stated in that copy is that "talcum powder or talc, has a chemical make-up similar to asbestos, and has long been suspected of causing cancer".

Did you know that OSHA has a list of over 880 toxins found in personal care products?

Isn’t it odd that these ingredients are also in baby products, and then people wonder why childhood cancer rates are on the rise?

Did you know that because a child’s body mass is so small compared to an adult, that they absorb these chemicals at a much larger rate? The toxins accumulate in the Childs cells and organs. Toxins absorbing in to the cells can be how the onset of cancer starts.

Did you know that this goes way beyond personal care products...that children can develop cancer if there was maternal or paternal exposure to environmental or occupational toxins? Did you know that the pesticide amount sprayed on one apple can be enough to send a small child to the emergency room, or even death? Did you know that children that eat an average of 3 hot dogs per week are at 9 times higher risk of leukemia?

This is the type of information that I study....daily. My family has a history of cancer, especially leukemia. I need to protect my family the best that I can. Many things are out of my control, but this is the type of knowledge that we can use and try to do something about.

If any parent is interested, I can share this information with you. This is no company information; it is Government and FDA information.

This information is not meant to bring a fear of cancer. We should not "fear" cancer, but we should take the time to be educated on the facts. Cancer can happen to anyone, any child, any where. We as parents are responsible to be informed and to use that information to better our lives and to protect our children.

I have seen the suffering and the loss that cancer will cause. I would never in a million years want anyone to go through this.

Jackson's suffering, and the suffering of all the little children has changed our lives forever.

Many people do not understand the position of a "cancer parent". That is alright. Never would I wish this depth of "understanding" on anyone.

People on the outside have "no real" idea what it is possibly like to see your child suffer from cancer, from the treatments, the bone marrow transplant, the solitude, and now the loss of our little boy.

Please check out this statement if you have the time.

http://kennedy.senate.gov/~kennedy/statements/970910fdafloor.html

Thank you,

Michelle Espeseth

Friday, March 14, 2003 4:20 PM CST

Why did we switch to toxin-free products? I hear this question quite often, and wanted to address this issue.

It is odd how we as American’s take for granted that everything that we eat, drink, wear, smell…is safe for our body. There was a time when I too felt that same way. Most times it takes something drastic in our health and in our lives, for us to take the time to really check things out and evaluate the info. As in my case, it was the diagnosis of Jackson's leukemia that made me start to question....how does a baby get cancer?

Our family switched to toxin-free products a little over 2 years ago. Our son Jackson was 3 ½ years old at the time. He had battled with leukemia for a year and a half. At this point in time, he was given about 4-6 weeks to live. We also have 3 other children which were a 7-month-old baby, a 10 year old and a 13 year old at the time.

I have been doing continuous research on this subject for over 2 years now. What I have found out may be surprising to most people. I know that it surely was to me. I would have never thought that there were "toxins" in household and personal care products.

Did you know that the National Toxicology Program completed a study in 1998 that found an association between the topical application of DEA (diethanolamine) and certain DEA-related ingredients in relation to cancer in laboratory animals? To check out products that contain DEA; TEA; MEA, you can take a look at soap, shampoos, antibacterial soaps, etc.

Did you know that Senator Edward Kennedy assigned a non-partisan group of Congress to do a study on cancer causing ingredients in personal care products back in 1997, and they found over 125 chemicals in products that are suspected of causing cancer? There is a Statement from Senator Kennedy that was made on September 10, 1997 and was presented to Congress to push for FDA Reform on these matters. I have that copy, if you care to read it. Also stated in that copy is that "talcum powder or talc, has a chemical make-up similar to asbestos, and has long been suspected of causing cancer".

Did you know that DEA has been banned from use in Europe for over 10 years because it has been proven to be a carcinogen, yet it is still in products sold in the U.S.?

Did you know that OSHA has a list of over 880 toxins found in personal care products?

Isn’t it odd that these ingredients are also in baby products, and then people wonder why childhood cancer rates are on the rise?

Did you know that because a child’s body mass is so small compared to an adult, that they absorb these chemicals at a much larger rate? The toxins accumulate in the Childs cells and organs. Toxins absorbing in to the cells can be how the onset of cancer starts.

Did you know that this goes way beyond personal care products...that children can develop cancer if there was maternal or paternal exposure to environmental or occupational toxins? Did you know that the pesticide amount sprayed on one apple can be enough to send a small child to the emergency room, or even death? Did you know that children that eat an average of 3 hot dogs per week are at 9 times higher risk of leukemia?

This is the type of information that I study....daily. My family has a history of cancer, especially leukemia. I need to protect my family the best that I can. Many things are out of my control, but this is one thing that I can try to do something about.

I hear some people say that this is an untruth. I hear that say that mainstream products are fine. I have even heard them say that this is a marketing ploy. It always seems that when you try to share information with people, there first reaction is unbelief.

Why wouldn’t anyone want to know the facts? I wish that some one would have told me this information, long before I heard about it.

If any parent is interested, I can share this information with you. This is no company information; it is Government and FDA information.

This information is not meant to bring a fear of cancer. Cancer can happen to anyone, any child, any where. We as parents are responsible to be informed as use that information to better our lives and to protect our children. As a parent, I can’t imagine not wanting to protect my child from these harmful ingredients....especially after experiencing the deepest loss of Jackson Ben. I have seen the suffering and the loss that cancer will cause. I would never in a million years want anyone to go through this. Please take the time to be informed.

If you are interested in learning more about this information, please contact me. My husband & I have made it our sincere mission to help other's learn about this information.

Jackson's suffering, and the suffering of all the little children has changed our lives forever.

Many people do not understand the position of a "cancer parent". That is alright. Never would I wish this depth of "understanding" on anyone.

People on the outside have no real idea what it is possibly like to see your child suffer from cancer, from the treatments, the bone marrow transplant, the solitude, and now the loss of our little boy.

Jackson Ben has changed our lives in every way possible. We will not let his little life be lost without the purpose of teaching others what he was here to teach us. We will try to make a difference in things that we believe in.

Be it our faith. Be it our mission. Be it our testimony.

Please check out this statement when you have time.

http://kennedy.senate.gov/~kennedy/statements/970910fdafloor.html

Thank you,

Michelle Espeseth

Monday, February 17, 2003 7:35 AM CST

THE LITTLE SOLDIER

Regardless of his youth, the little soldier was drafted at the tender age of two, to fight a war from within, where the enemy was hidden and well camouflaged.

The soldier took his family and friends to war with him and they tried their best to support him.

The battles were hard, with many a scar to show for them yet the fight went on into his fifth year.

The strength, courage and endurance of this soldier of fortune could not be denied.

Sometimes it looked as if a peace would be declared, but the enemy would start the attack an another front, and the soldier would fight courageously on.

Even when it seemed impossible that a peace would ever be declared,the young soldier never lost heart.

Peace has come! Although it is not the peace that he fought so hard to achieve, it is a lasting peace, one that will never end.

In winning, the enemy has lost it's power forever and therefore the soldier did not lose at all!!

His family and friends will remain in their hearts and memories.

His spirit is free and no longer restricted by the battles of this earthly home.

~Anonymous (taken from the HeavenlyLights Newsletter that we get every week)

In reading this over the weekend, it reminded me so much of Jackson. He was "The Little Soldier", from beginning to end. Of course, Jack did not make it to age 5, as that is what he would be now. Jack lived to be 3 1/2. We still talk about him every day. We miss him every day. It still hurts the same. It has been almost 2 years without him, but he is as much in hearts and in our lives as he always was.

Thank you to those of you who still check in and offer your words of support. We are thankful to see that you are still remembering the little boy.....our precious little boy.

Wednesday, May 15, 2002 at 05:07 AM (CDT)

As I sit here this morning, my mind is amazed that one year has already went by without the little boy. There has not been one second of one day that we have not thought about, or talked about Jackson Ben. He lives on daily in our home and our hearts....truly. Some days it seems like yesterday since I have held his tiny self or heard his sweet voice, and other days it seems like an eternity.

One thing that is very clear to me, is that Jackson walked the walk that the Lord intended for his life. He had a special purpose and a very big job to do here, and I believe that with all my heart.

The Lord had shown us that Jack would have a special post of duty in these days. He had told us that Jack would be alright. God never breaks His Promises. Even as we fail, He does not.

I wrote in my last entry here about Jackson's healing. I know that he was totally healed....here on this earth. I know it because I seen it, I lived it and I believe. My faith keeps confiming this.

I had written before that Heaven is the only place to be totally healed. I guess what I meant is that usually when we are healed of one affliction, something else seems to come along. These bodies that we live in will always have that, but there is no affliction or disease that God couldn't take away.

I seen how Jack's healing came so many times for so many issues. Even his leukemia.

I have shared before about Jackson's Light, and his Angel and his Jesus. Jack lived every day speaking on these. I feel very blessed to have been allowed to share in these blessings.

Each of us here has had our own experiences with Jackson this last year. It has still been an incredible journey.

Some days when I see the other children Jackson' age, my heart just aches. The day that they had preschool screening was very hard. I know how much Jack would've liked these things. He always talked about going to school, riding the bus, wearing a back-pack. :)

Jackson Ben is a very special boy. His spirit is sweet and truly loving and kind. Never before have I seen a child with such wisdom, strength, faith and love. Amazing faith and amazing love.

I am so thankful for the peace that has been in my heart the last few years. I know that what Jackson is doing now, is so beyond anything that he would have here. He endured so much....for the sake of other's.

My hope and prayer is that those who have been touched by the life and testimony of Jackson Ben, take it in their hearts and live it as it was intended.

Our family here have kept it our constant prayer for the most special blessings to be upon those that have been so kind to us.

This journey has not been an easy one, but it has been so blessed.

All of our love to the little boy.....Jackson Ben.

Our Precious Little Boy.

Sunday, September 16, 2001 at 07:05 PM (CDT)

Jackson Ben's 4th Birthday....if any little boy loved a birthday celebration it was Jack. I think of all of the little cupcakes and candles that we had during this last year and I have to smile...and yet today on his "special" day, I could only imagine the fun that he would be having. There is no other word to descibe how today went, besides emotional.

The last few years have been such a blessing to our family...and Jackson brought so much joy to our days. It is hard to imagine that one person could bring that much love and happiness to us all.

Jackson had a sweet nature...he was a giggly boy...and very smiley :) He came in to this world with fight and determination...it was a battle from day one...he had a very trumatic delivery and many mishaps in his short little life...but he marched along right through each and every one of them. Jackson had an attitude of sorts...the doctors and nurses always loved that about him..???..he decided when and if they were allowed to touch him. It was his fight that kept him going through the hard days...and there were so many of them. Jackson never complained about much...he seldom cried when he was sick or in pain during treatment...he hated his medicines though and would spit them back at us any time he had the chance. :)

Jackson had his bone marrow transplant on 10/10/00. We were hoping that this page could update family and friends during his recovery time...and now almost a year later, I can't believe that he is not here with us.

I am thankful for this journal...it has been a friend of sorts, a lifeline to the outside world...a personal journal and even a sounding board to vent my frustrations. I am thankful to the many people who have joined in our journey...and to those who have shown us support..as that is what the guestbooks are intended for.

It is true that Jackson walked a different walk then most children...although I feel that children are allowed to see things...it is usually the adults that take that away from them....we teach our children things that we shouldn't...taking away their innocence....they become doubters and skeptics just as the adults do. Children learn from what they see...our actions speak so loud, that it drowns out our words.

Jackson Ben did see his Light...he did see his angel...and he did speak of seeing his Jesus. What he told us personally on this is beyond my words...but with God knowing all things...knows that what I say is truth. There are supernatural signs that have come to us...and we accept them just as that. Jesus is real...and He is alive. The Bible is Truth. We are to live by it, not just read it once in awhile.

I remember the day that Jack was in the hospital during transplant...he had not eaten or drank for 21 days. I was laying by his side and holding him....when he looked at me, he told me "my wings is tired momma". I will never forget that moment.

Jackson told me 2 weeks before he passed that Jesus protects him. I know that to be true.

The Lord had told us that Jack would be alright. In my thoughts, I never really thought he would have to leave here to be totally healed...but Heaven is the only place to be totally healed. Jackson is alright...and very happy.

So many miracles happened in his little life...one after the other. There were days when Jack would get so sick, and we would call in a prayer request and it would immediately go away. Jackson endured leukemia, stapf infection, a bone marrow transplant...2 remissions....it was amazing.

2 different times after bringing Jack in for prayer, the doctors said they could find absolutely NO sign of any abnormal cells. It all is a miracle to me.

I still do not understand the total reasoning behind the many events in this journey, but it is not our place to understand or figure these things out....we only have to believe.

My heart is blessed to have been part of this journey. Jackson Ben was a very special little man. I know that many people love Jack...but no one loves him like his momma...or his poppa.

Momma's little angel boy...momma's little angel boy...he's my angel boy...my angel boy...my little tiny angel...angel boy.

God bless the baby.

Sunday, September 16, 2001 at 07:05 PM (CDT)

Jackson Ben's 4th Birthday....if any little boy loved a birthday celebration it was Jack. I think of all of the little cupcakes and candles that we had during this last year and I have to smile...and yet today on his "special" day, I could only imagine the fun that he would be having. There is no other word to descibe how today went, besides emotional.

The last few years have been such a blessing to our family...and Jackson brought so much joy to our days. It is hard to imagine that one person could bring that much love and happiness to us all.

Jackson had a sweet nature...he was a giggly boy...and very smiley :) He came in to this world with fight and determination...it was a battle from day one...he had a very trumatic delivery and many mishaps in his short little life...but he marched along right through each and every one of them. Jackson had an attitude of sorts...the doctors and nurses always loved that about him..???..he decided when and if they were allowed to touch him. It was his fight that kept him going through the hard days...and there were so many of them. Jackson never complained about much...he seldom cried when he was sick or in pain during treatment...he hated his medicines though and would spit them back at us any time he had the chance. :)

Jackson had his bone marrow transplant on 10/10/00. We were hoping that this page could update family and friends during his recovery time...and now almost a year later, I can't believe that he is not here with us.

I am thankful for this journal...it has been a friend of sorts, a lifeline to the outside world...a personal journal and even a sounding board to vent my frustrations. I am thankful to the many people who have joined in our journey...and to those who have shown us support..as that is what the guestbooks are intended for.

It is true that Jackson walked a different walk then most children...although I feel that children are allowed to see things...it is usually the adults that take that away from them....we teach our children things that we shouldn't...taking away their innocence....they become doubters and skeptics just as the adults do. Children learn from what they see...our actions speak so loud, that it drowns out our words.

Jackson Ben did see his Light...he did see his angel...and he did speak of seeing his Jesus. What he told us personally on this is beyond my words...but with God knowing all things...knows that what I say is truth. There are supernatural signs that have come to us...and we accept them just as that. Jesus is real...and He is alive. The Bible is Truth. We are to live by it, not just read it once in awhile.

I remember the day that Jack was in the hospital during transplant...he had not eaten or drank for 21 days. I was laying by his side and holding him....when he looked at me, he told me "my wings is tired momma". I will never forget that moment.

Jackson told me 2 weeks before he passed that Jesus protects him. I know that to be true.

The Lord had told us that Jack would be alright. In my thoughts, I never really thought he would have to leave here to be totally healed...but Heaven is the only place to be totally healed. Jackson is alright...and very happy.

So many miracles happened in his little life...one after the other. There were days when Jack would get so sick, and we would call in a prayer request and it would immediately go away. Jackson endured leukemia, stapf infection, a bone marrow transplant...2 remissions....it was amazing.

2 different times after bringing Jack in for prayer, the doctors said they could find absolutely NO sign of any abnormal cells. It all is a miracle to me.

I still do not understand the total reasoning behind the many events in this journey, but it is not our place to understand or figure these things out....we only have to believe.

My heart is blessed to have been part of this journey. Jackson Ben was a very special little man. I know that many people love Jack...but no one loves him like his momma...or his poppa.

Momma's little angel boy...momma's little angel boy...he's my angel boy...my angel boy...my little tiny angel...angel boy.

God bless the baby.

Saturday, September 15, 2001 at 08:48 AM (CDT)

September is always a busy month, but this by far, has been the busiest. I am not sure if it just seems like more with all of the added activity in the country, or what...but I am feeling a little overwhelmed.

We have been busy with the log home business and lots of activities with the children..school and otherwise. Thankfully Mike has been working about 15 minutes from our home.

There is a lot of exciting things happening to so many that we know....Tom and Krista had their baby yesterday...a little girl...and my friend Sherri and her husband had a little boy..which was very exciting...Congratulations to them. It is Conner's birthday today ...and Royce's...and Karissa Mae's tomorrow...and Jordan's in 2 weeks...and Kimberly on the 18th..lots of family celebrations....I wish everyone a special time. :)

Wishing you all a blessed weekend.

Thursday, September 13, 2001 at 09:43 PM (CDT)

I wanted to thank everyone that has shown such amazing support to us through these last 2 years...I am in awe of the love that has come from so many...for Jackson and for our family. This has been a hard time for us...and of course, Jackson had the biggest battles...and yet he always had a smile, and always spoke on so many that showed love for him.

All of the prayers, cards and gifts that our family has been blessed with...and the Lord knows each and every one of them....I trust that all will be blessed accordingly.

We have received a great response for the pizza party...how wonderful :) Thank you...thank you...so much! I was really touced by the giving hearts. I have been a little ill this last week, and I am not sure when we will actually be going to the Ronald McD House...but it will be a special time.

I have spoke before on nearing the end of these updates...I have mixed emotions on this. This page was created to keep other's informed about our child...Jackson Ben. It was a great comfort to us as we were dealing with treatments and the bone marrow transplant. It was such a blessing to the familes to have a way to update other's, with out the time of personal phone calls...and more time for Jackson.

As I have heard through these many months...most people appreciate the page and have shown us great support through here..and to them I say thank you....and then the few that can't stand this journal, but yet choose to read it everyday anyway...oh well, can't please the critics. :)

I still have testimonies I would like to share, but I feel it has to be down to a personal level...so many wonderfully awesome signs and wonders that I know were from God...as they were revealed. I have come to realize that many can't see or do not care to see...or will be the skeptic....one has to humble themselves and pray for revelation on these matters I feel.

Jackson Ben brought a wonderful testimony...he walked a wonderful walk...he taught us so many things...he was a beautiful...caring...wise little boy full of life...and full of love.

Wednesday, September 12, 2001 at 10:18 AM (CDT)

I thought that I would take a break from the tv news to write...it surely is beyond my understanding...the depth and magnitude of the events that occured for our country yesterday.

We have a few local friends that were out visiting in the New York area...and we pray that they are kept safe to return back home. I think a lot of Mike's family...living in New Jersey...perhaps not in the disaster area, but surely feeling the effects of it. Mike's cousin has a best friend that was to be the best man at his wedding in a few weeks...I believe that he was in one of the towers...and perhaps has or hasn't been found as of yet.

I heard President Bush call this an "act of war". A friend of our's is in the Marine Reserve and received a stand-by call as of yesterday afternoon...and after the time he spent away in the Golf War, this is news that keeps them on edge.

I have many Christian friends that called yesterday also...anyone who takes the Bible and lives by it's Word, knows what hour that we are living in. There are so many that don't care about it...it breaks my heart to see.

I don't know what today will bring...but I pray for peace and mercy upon us all.

Monday, September 10, 2001 at 10:40 AM (CDT)

Jackson Ben always had a song in his heart...he was a very musical boy. We had some special songs that he and I used to sing together. When Jack was a new baby, I found myself singing songs that I never sang with Jessie and Jake. I had special songs for each of the children...and then some that I would sing to all of them. One that came to my mind with Jack, was "Momma's little angel boy....momma's little angel boy....he's my angel boy, my angel boy...my little tiny angel...angel boy."

When I think back to that now, I think that it was internal in a way. Jackson had so many happenings in his life, that he could've been easily harmed...starting with his birth. Yet, he was always protected it seemed. It was just last May when Jackson told me, " Jesus protects me". Now when I think about it...he truly is an "angel boy"....living in heavenly places...and truly healed...and truly protected.

There have been many little children that we have known and loved that have also made their way...and then Jackson joined them.

As we remember the little ones that have passed on ahead of us...and the birthday's that they would share with us..I can't help but feel that the joy that they share on these special days, are far beyond any that they could've even imagined to have here with us...even with all of our love.

Special thoughts today of the many little ones....Jackson Ben...Samuel Jared....Jeramie....David....Lindsey...Ben...Sean

Thursday, September 06, 2001 at 11:01 AM (CDT)

Good Morning to everyone ~

I am amazed at how busy the days have been, but I feel that it is a blessing to help us all here keep our minds occupied and focused. One could easily get caught up in grief and not function properly. I am so thankful for the anchor that holds me.

I have heard so many Awesome testimonies these last few months pertaining to Jackson. It confirms to me over and over what the Lord had shown to us 2 years ago. Jack has a walk with the Lord, unlike no other that I have personally witnessed. Jackson is still teaching us...and we are very blessed to be part of this journey. The Lord works in many wonderful ways...and just as the pastor said at his service...He chose a child as our example as to what we should goal to be like.

We have been spending some time trying to plan a pizza party at the Ronald McD House where we had stayed last winter. I feel in my heart that we need to return there and share some time and love to those who need it. Every night at 5:00 they try to have a free supper set up for the families. I think some day we will do another supper as Mike's family did when we were there...but this time, I feel to do a pizza party as that is what Jack liked best. The Ronald McD House can be a hard place to visit...but the rewards are felt an all sides. It is a blessing.

I wish you a wonderful day.

Tuesday, September 04, 2001 at 07:49 AM (CDT)

Good Morning~

I trust that it was a safe and enjoyable weekend for you all. We had a wonderful weekend...it was filled with blessings and special times.

I believe that this morning marks the 16th week since Jack has passed. It seems like yesterday to me. This whole last year has just flown by. I feel like his whole little life just flew by....but what a special time. These last 4 years of our lives have been the greatest times that this family has ever known....special beyond words. It seems odd that through these trials and heartache that one could find peace and joy...and the true meaning of "Life".

Jackson Ben was a wonderful little boy and he had a heart filled with love. He taught us so much about simple joy....I believe that is what children teach us...simple joy and unconditional love.

I wonder at which point in our lives, that so many lose those simplistic values.

Thursday, August 30, 2001 at 08:08 AM (CDT)

Good Morning ~

I thought that I would write a quick note before getting ready for the day. It will be nice to have a little vacation weekend ahead...we are looking forward to it.

Mike had a successful delivery yesterday for the log home. It is very close to our area...about 10 minutes away. Baby Joe and I went to the jobsite to check it all out. It looks awesome. The home will be beautiful. They have chosen some nice logs and a good location.

Jess is loving volleyball. She didn't take it last year, but is very excited about it now.

Jake just turned in his papers today for flag football. He seems to do very well and enjoys it a lot.

As we head in to September, I find myself constantly thinking of Jackson's Birthday. Jack LOVED anything to do with a birthday party...especially cake and candles. We spent many days within this last year making cakes with candles...every day was a birthday with Jack. Part of me just wants to be alone that day...and just think about him...and yet, I feel in my heart that I would like to do something to help out some other cancer kids in honor of Jack. It would be nice to get some gifts together for the Ronald McD House or something.

We have many family birthday's this month. Jackson shared his birthday was his favorite little cousin "friend" Karissa. Jackson just loved Karissa.

What ever we do to celebrate the birthday's...I am sure it will be a special time.

Speaking of birthdays....special wishes to my life long friend, Julie. We wish you a wonderful day !!!

Tuesday, August 28, 2001 at 11:38 AM (CDT)

Hello again....

Sometimes it is hard to find free time to get on here. Life is very busy, as usual.

The children are doing great...there are so many exciting things going on. Mike and I have been busy also. He has a few different projects happening. We have a log home delivery scheduled for tomorrow...and I have paperwork to get in order today.

I have to say that I am overwhelmed by the love and support that surrounds us on a daily basis. We have been so blessed these last few years to have such wonderful people around us. Every day I see more and more sincere, caring people who love Jackson and who love us...what a special blessing.

Anyone who was blessed enough to spend time with Jackson on a regular basis, knows what he was here to teach us. It's all about love.

Wishing you a special day.

Friday, August 24, 2001 at 11:42 AM (CDT)

Hello to everyone ~

I can't believe that it's Friday again already. This week has flown by...as they all do I guess.

School is going good for Jess and Jake. They have some fun classes and exciting things coming up. Jake has also been working at the neighbors after school. He has always been such a good worker. We surely appreciate that about him. :) He is a lot like his Dad.

Mike has been very busy. He and my brother Tom have been doing a project that Wally planned for my mom. It is a little log building. The design is very nice. It is somewhat like a gazebo type building.

Mike also has another log home delivery coming next week. This is another home from Honest Abe Log Homes. They have some beautiful designs. The customers are so thrilled. We can't wait for them to get started.

Baby Joe is moving all over. He is very active...and so precious to play with.

We went to visit with Jackson yesterday. It was one of those emotional days missing our little boy. Some days are more overwhelming then others...but life is good and we are so blessed. I know that if Jackson had a chance to come back ,he would not.

Life is an awesome journey....through the good days and the bad.

I wish you all a wonderful weekend....filled with many blessings.

Wednesday, August 22, 2001 at 08:31 AM (CDT)

Good Morning to everyone ~

I finally have found some quiet time to sit and write...it has been such a busy time here. We have had a lot going on with the business and preparing for school. We had spent the last weekend up north at the cabin. It felt so good to get away.

Today is the first day of school for Jessie and Jake. They were pretty excited. We did our yearly "first day photo's". They are getting so big. I couldn't help but think of Jackson as that yellow school bus left our driveway. He would've loved to see that. Jack would not have been able to go to school today....but he looked forward to going to preschool when he was able. He wanted to have a teacher, and a back pack, and ride the yellow bus.

Auntie Donna sent a little school bus home for me to bring to Jack. I am sure that he was happy to see that there for him. Jackson just thought Donna was the best. She always knew what to say or do to make him happy and to make him feel loved. I remember the day he helped me do the journal entry, and he said that she was his best friend. :)

We received two other very special gifts this week. I am so in awe of how loving people are. We recieved the most precious little angel boy for Jackson's garden this last week from Nate, Theresa and Joel. I really like it so much...I had been hoping to find one like it. Our other gift was from my good friend Jody and her family. It is so beautiful...beyond words. It is a little memorial stone for Jackson's garden. It says....In Memory of Jackson Ben...September 16,1997....Our Precious Little Bear Cub...with a picture of a cub on there. It is engraved on granite. It is such a comfort to us to know that we have family and friends that support us and love us. I do not know how we would've made it through any of the last 2 years without this love and kindness in our lives.

Jackson knew who loved him...as he still knows now.

I have experienced some spectacular testimonies these last few months, as have some around us. I would love to share them some day. They have been nothing less then amazing. I know that this journey continues...I see it and feel it everyday, in the most special way.

I pray that you all are blessed today.

Tuesday, August 21, 2001 at 08:12 AM (CDT)

I have met so many parents these last few years that have lost a child at one time or another.

When I think back to all that we met at the hospital when Jackson was first diagnosed...so many were gone when we returned a year later.

I remember noticing at Jackson's service, that their were so many parents there that had also lost a little one.

It is truly an experience that is beyond anyone's comprehension, unless too have been in that same position.

I think of all the other parents I know that are also grieving...missing their child...missing their little voice...the way they play....the way they talk....the way they smell.

My heart goes out to each and everyone of you. It is a hard place to be. No one will ever understand.

I know that these children know our love. I know that they are with the Lord. That is where my comfort lies.

Thursday, August 16, 2001 at 08:43 AM (CDT)

Good Morning to everyone ~

I just wanted to say thank you to all of those that have been so supportive.

It has been 3 months since Jackson's passing and one month until his 4th birthday.

It is a very hard time here missing Jack so very much. We all think of him daily...talk of him daily...and miss him daily.

I just am so thankful to those who have been kind and loving to us....and also understanding.

I wish you a blessed day.

Wednesday, August 15, 2001 at 08:43 AM (CDT)

Good Morning to everyone ~

It is a little cooler here this morning and overcast. Surely different then a few weeks ago...thankfully so.

We have had a special morning here already. It is amazing to me to see the Lord at work everywhere...and always.

I don't know what I would do or how I would make it without this walk and path I have been directed down. It is such a blessing to know Him.

Jackson told us so many things about the Lord. I know that many people check on here daily. I am sure that you all have your own reasons for doing so.

It is not my job to make you see what we see...as only God can open your eyes and call you to Him.

It is my job though to share our testimony. We all have testimony's and that is what we are to do.

There are so many people around the world that has never heard the Name of Jesus Christ. It is not right that we here can repeatedly hear and keep walking away.

We have heard people ask why we go to Easter Services so far away...all the way to Indiana. That is where we have been led to go. God leads His people by the Pillar of Fire. He did throughout the Bible and is still doing it today.

It is not our place to try to evaluate issues. It is our place to be still...be quiet on things we know nothing about...and to pray for God to open our hearts and our eyes.

Today is the 15th once again....a day of triple grace. 5 is grace x 3....may you be richly blessed.

Monday, August 13, 2001 at 09:08 AM (CDT)

Good Morning ~

The weekend went by so fast, but it was wonderful. We spent the day on Saturday visiting with Mike's family. I went to a baby shower at cousin Kelly's house. She has everything so beautiful there. It was really nice. Mike had the boys, so I was able to visit awhile. We went over to Larry and Donna's afterwards. Jake and his friend Tyler had been in the pool for about 6 hours :) They really had fun ! Donna ordered pizza for everyone. It was a good day...and so good to see the whole family again.

We have a busy schedule this week with meetings and such...and trying to get ready for school. It is an exciting time. We are so thankful for all of these blessings.

3 Months have went by since Jackson's passing. We think of him nonstop...everyday. We sure miss him...so much.

I think of what the Pastor said at his service, how you don't say good-bye to someone that's gone to a friends house. That is so true. Jackson has just gone on ahead of us here. All I can do now is to live as I should, so that I may see Jack again.

What a glorious day that will be.

Saturday, August 11, 2001 at 09:00 AM (CDT)

Good Morning ~

It sure feels good to have this weather change. It is so beautiful outside. The sun is shining and the air is cooler. It is supposed to be around 80' today.

When I checked on Jackson's page late last night, the counter was at number 17,000. The number 17 had so much significance along Jackson's journey. Once again I found myself confirming how real and special this little boy has been to many people and how special he is to us. Jack was here for a very important reason, as many of you know.

I am so thankful for the love and prayers of those who have been so kind to us. God will bless those who have, as that has been our constant prayer.

I wish you all a wonderful weekend....enjoy the sunshine :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you would feel to, please remember my friend Tamara today in prayer....for health issues. Thank you.

Thursday, August 09, 2001 at 10:28 PM (CDT)

Good Evening ~

I have found some quiet time to update. :) I usually don't stay up too late any more...morning comes so fast it seems.

Mike & I just came home from our Neways meeting. We had a really good night. There are so many nice people that we have met through Neways. It has really been a blessing to our lives. I surely would recommend these products to everyone.

Jake is spending the night with Grandma Bonnie tonight. He was very excited about doing that. The kids just love to go to grandma's house.

Jess had baby Joe all tucked in for us tonight. She is such a big help to me. I don't know what I would do without her....besides, she is awful sweet...most of the time :) Joseph has been walking all over the house. It is a precious thing to watch.

Mike and I just looked at the photo's on this page. I just love to look at the photo's. It brings back every memory. I look at the 2nd picture of Jack from April 2000. He had such an amazing smile. He had no hair at this point, but his eyebrows were there a little. This was at a very sick time, and yet he looks so good...and very happy.

The only times that Jackson was really sick, was from his chemo. It is so harsh on the little children. Jackson would tell me that Jesus kept him safe, and He surely did.

Jackson always had a smile...precious boy.

Jackson was on a journey...and it was meant for us to share.

Many blessings to you all.

Wednesday, August 08, 2001 at 08:10 AM (CDT)

Good Morning ~

I am sitting here watching baby Joe play. He has found Jackson's room the most fun place to be...besides my office papers. Jack and Joe were to share a room, but it is mostly Jackson's belongings in there. We keep the door shut most of the time. I had wanted to leave things as Jack had them.

It has been almost 3 months since Jack went with the Lord. It has been a very hard time here, but our comfort comes from trusting in Him. God doesn't make mistakes. His ways are perfect.

Some days are so sad, missing Jackson. We spend daily times with tears...but it is only for ourselves. We know that Jackson is happy. We know that he wouldn't trade to come back for nothing. His battles are over, and his pain is gone.

No one will ever understand the pain that this little boy endured...and he always had a smile.

I look at how much Joey has changed in 3 months, and I think that the boys would be having so much fun together. Joe sure likes to play and laugh, just like Jackson did.

I have to smile when I think of the video tape we have of Joseph touching Jackson's new blue bike. Jack was trying to be calm. He stood a few feet away. His voice became increasing louder..."no,no..Joe...no,no..Joe !Get away from my bike!" Jackson had the most expressive face.

I will try to get on here later today to update the photo's. We have so many that I treasure...I just need to pick some out.

We will probably spend the day inside today. It is supposed to be the 3rd record breaking temperature...nearing 100' each day. I surely have enough paperwork and cleaning to fill the day.

I wish you all a happy day :) Many blessings to you.

****New Photo's Added******8:22 p.m.

Monday, August 06, 2001 at 10:34 AM (CDT)

Good Morning ~

I have been thinking of how much I have enjoyed this web page. It has been a personal journal for me and my family to keep track of our daily happenings with Jackson. It has also been a way to keep family and friends informed on his little life. I find now that it is a way to keep me focused on Jackson's personal journey and the blessed testimony that he has. It is intended to honor our little boy. That is the very least that I can do, is to share this journey. He was a shining light and a precious little boy. I am not sure how often or how long I will continue to update. I will pray about it and see how the Lord leads.

We had a nice weekend. Jake spent his time with Grandma Cindy and the cousins... Jordan, Carter, Karissa and Trey all went with. Jake said that they had a really fun time. We had a family get together yesterday up at Randy & Julie's for lunch. It was good to see everyone again. We really enjoy our time spent with family.

We have had full days with the business. It feels good to be busy, and to have the opportunity to work out of our home. I really love it and so does Mike. We have 2 more projects that just started. It is an exciting time to help other's realize their dream home. We are always so happy for them.

I thank you all for taking time to check on us here today. I wish you a wonderful week.

Saturday, August 04, 2001 at 07:58 AM (CDT)

Good Morning ~

It is hard to believe that there are only a few weeks left of summer vacation. We still have so much that we planned to do. :) Mike has been so busy with the business, that we have postponed a few plans...but we still have them on the schedule !

Every year our children go for a few days with their cousins and Grandma Cindy. They left yesterday to spend the day up on the north shore....Herbster area. Today and tomorrow will be spent at Randy & Julie's. They always have fun there. Jake went yesterday. Jess and Joe stayed home.

Jackson never did get to go on any of the yearly trips. I have a hard time thinking of that, as I know he would've had a really fun time. One of Jack's favorite things to do was to spend time with his Grandma's. They always brought a smile to his face and comfort to his little self.

We had another oddity happen here yesterday. I had taken the laundry out of the dryer to fold. In the pile of socks, there was a little pair of white socks that were inside out like someone had just taken them off and tossed them in the wash. They were totally mud stained....like someone had just worn them. I pulled them through the right way to fold them together, and seen that they were Jackson's socks. It was so strange to me. I showed the rest of the family to see if they knew how they got in the wash. Nobody did. Baby Joe hasn't even wore socks for a month, and they wouldn't be this size. It was somewhat strange but comforting....to be doing Jackson's laundry once again.

I had forgotten to mention that on Thursday, we spent the day at the Community Center with the 4H. They were planting trees, shrubbery, hostas, etc. around the building. We bought a tree in memory of Jackson Ben and have a little planting area there for him. It felt real good to have our family there doing that for him. Many people in the community have been so supportive to us. We wanted some part for Jackson always there in remembrance and honor of our precious little boy.

We surely miss him and love him dearly. I think of all the days he would walk around and sing...we'll work 'til Jesus comes, we'll work....I wonder all the time what work he is doing now.

I wish you all a wonderfully blessed weekend.

Thursday, August 02, 2001 at 08:11 AM (CDT)

Good Morning ~

I have so many things on my heart to write about....not knowing where to start.

We recieved the most special letter the other day from the man that first prayed for Jackson on Easter of 2000. When we came back that year, Jack was supposed to have his transplant in May. Oddly enough, it was May 15, 2000 when we were admitted for that. When they did Jackson's bone marrow test, the results showed absolutely no sign of any abnormalities or leukemia. The doctors were very excited about that...and so were we. The letter we received talked about how God has His great bouquet of flowers, and that we know He takes old flowers and different color flowers, and He also takes "little buds" to make us that great Master's bouquet, and Jackson truly was one of His buds...and our little buddy.

We never know when our day will be, and as the days pass, more and more I appreciate the beauty of life. Every day is precious.

What a blessing it is to spend these days with those that bring true joy and love to our lives....to those who have stood beside us...to those that shown love and compassion for Jackson. He talked often about those that loved him.

So many people take this life for granted. They waste their days on trivial things that don't make any positive difference in this world.

The best days that this family has ever had were the ones that we have had these last 2 years. Through all of the sadness, the sun was shining so brightly in our lives.

Jackson Ben was one of those Sunbeams...shining for the world to see. God blessed our little boy, and by that we were richly blessed.

I hope that you are too.

***Special, Special Happy Birthday wishes, to my dear friend Amy today. A life long friend that has stood beside me and been a true friend and inspiration on this journey of life...and also with Jackson. I wish you the most special of blessings today.***

Wednesday, August 01, 2001 at 08:01 AM (CDT)

Good Morning ~

Yesterday's temperatures were so hot and humid. It topped out at 100' not too far from us. I think the heat index in the cities was 109' with that humidity....yikes. It is nice to see the rain coming down this morning. So many people don't like rainy days, but I love them. There is something calming to me about hearing and smelling the rain.

It has just occured to me as I seen the date, that it has been one year tomorrow since Jackson had healed from his battle with staph infection and then we found out that his leukemia relapsed.

That precious little man had endured one battle after another...always a survivor. When I think of the day that Jackson passed on, I don't think of it as a battle lost...but another battle won. It was another Victory day in many ways. I know in my heart that it was all in God's Hands. Jackson could've passed so many times in his short little life, yet on the day when no one expected it....God took him home. Peacefully. Comforted. Happy.

There are so many special things in our home that are part of Jackson's testimony. It is always a blessing to us when the Lord opens the eyes of those around us.

If we can come to Him like a child. Have that child-like faith, like Jackson did...He will show us many wonderful things.

I wish you all that blessing. Enjoy the day.

Monday, July 30, 2001 at 02:48 PM (CDT)

Good Afternoon to everyone~

The day has went by so quickly. We have been trying to settle back into our schedule after all of the activity last week.

Jake has his last 2 classes of swimming lessons this week. He has done very well and has enjoyed it a lot.

Mike has been very busy with the business. We are so thankful for these blessings. I think back to how the business line never rang while Jack was in the hospital, but as soon as Mike walked through the front door it started, and has continued.

We have been having a "missing Jackson" time here a lot lately. Jess and Jake have been talking about him everyday. We all do. It just seems like we need to, and that is what brings us comfort.

We would like to send out special Happy Birthday wishes to Hunter Isaac...and Maddie Rose. We hope that you have a super special time. :) xoxoxo

Many blessings to you all.

Sunday, July 29, 2001 at 09:17 AM (CDT)

<>< Good Sunday Morning.

It feels good to be home and having some peaceful and quiet moments.

We had a wonderful weekend at the Polk Co. Fair. The children had a blast...they already have big plans for next year. Jake has got the 4H bug now too :) We stayed so late again last night, watching the tractor pull and cattle auction. I am really amazed at how well Joe liked the fair. He sat totally still in his stroller again yesterday. I think he really liked all of the animals. He was totally fascinated with seeing them at his eye level and all of their noises.

We are all trying to press on here. Every day is a strong yearning to see Jackson again. What a blessing it is to the believers to know that one day they will see their loved ones again.

Then we will all understand what these days were all about. In the sweet by and by as they say.....we shall meet again.

I wish you all a wonderfully blessed day.

Friday, July 27, 2001 at 05:47 PM (CDT)

Good Evening to all~

We are finally back from the fair...it was a lot of fun. Jess placed all blues yesterday...first place on her stencil/art/& baking. She was very excited to have first place ribbons. We went to the fairgrounds very early this morning. Jess didn't show until around 1:30 this afternoon. Her and cousin Tyler W. were in the same group of judging and they both did very well. Jessie's calf was a little bigger and older so she placed blue on that too. 4 blue ribbons for her first year...she was thrilled. Jake had fun also. He went on a few rides and seen some of his friends there. Baby Joe sat still in his stroller for almost 6 hours ! Yikes...poor baby is a little out of sorts this evening.

As for Jake's first golf tournament...he had a great time. He finally figured out that you have to keep score of EVERY stroke :) Needless to say his count was higher then usual. He came home with a bag of prizes and enjoyed the experience.

We have had some special blessings here the last few days. I hold on to so many things that Jackson had taught us about, and I see the miracles all around. It is a wonderful place to be.

We have had more then one friend diagnosed with cancer in the last week. It has been hard to hear of. Our hearts go out to them and their family.

Please pray for Andrew...and Cheri.

Our thoughts and prayers are with them.

Thursday, July 26, 2001 at 09:46 AM (CDT)

Good Morning.

It sure is nice outside. This is my favorite kind of weather...cool and sunny.

We have such a busy weekend planned. I am surprised I am still sitting here ! Jake is at his first golf tournament this morning. Mike is with him. I will be heading in as soon as we get Jess and her calf heading down the road. The neighbor is taking them to the barn to set up for the fair. It is the Polk Co. Fair this weekend. Jess is showing her arts and crafts today and also her cookies she baked yesterday a.m. They sure turned out good. Her calf Sadie has her show tomorrow a.m. We are excited for both of the children. They sure have been looking forward to today.

I will try to update sometime soon on how they did.

I wish you all a wonderful weekend. :)

Tuesday, July 24, 2001 at 09:24 AM (CDT)

Good Morning ~

The sun is shining....another beautiful day :)

We have been sitting here this morning thinking about Jackson...another Tuesday is here. When we think of all that this last year has brought, it seems somehow like a dream. There have been so many wonderful times, and so many sad ones too. To live these days without Jackson here running around brings an emptiness. We find ourselves talking about him all the time. We know that this journey was not a dream, but very real.

We have a client with our business that bought his material to put up a timber framed home. He just found out that he has a brain tumor...and his whole life is on hold. Our hearts go out to him and his family. Please keep Andrew in prayer.

Every day is precious....enjoy each moment.

Sunday, July 22, 2001 at 05:45 PM (CDT)

Good Evening ~

I thought that I would update quickly. We just came home from our weekend up north. We had a fabulous time ! It felt so good to get away.

We took a drive yesterday and went to this Bluegrass Gospel festival in Spooner, WI. It was really good. Baby Joe loved the music. He sat totally still for over 2 hours listening and clapping. It was very cute.

As we entered the gates to go in to sit down, the band started to play "I'll fly away". Mike and I just smiled....Jackson's favorite song. Once again, we see the Lord at work every where...and also Jackson Ben.

We then when to our friend's cabin and had a super time with them. The guys went out in the boat fishing this morning. We brought home a couple fish for tomorrow.

We also stopped at our cabin near Danbury. Mike's mom has it fixed up very cute.

I was thinking back to a few of the things that we had planned to do with Jackson, and staying at the cabin was of them.

We miss him beyond words. It was a good weekend though....and it felt good to get some rest. We have a super busy week ahead.

Many blessings to you all....to those that have been so kind to us.

Saturday, July 21, 2001 at 12:37 PM (CDT)

One thing that has become very clear to me is that people who live lost in the world...think that things of the Lord are foolish and fanatical. They wonder, why can't these people be more realistic.

And the likewise is that people who truly know the Lord would think....things of the world are foolish.

The reality is that God is real. He is so real that He knows every thought, every word, every action that we all make.

When we are saying things and doing things that we ought not to do, He will only let these things go on for so long. Someday we will all be held accountable for what we have said and done in our lifetime.

As I think back to all of the whisperers and back biters that has crossed my path in this life....and especially these last few years.

It is absolutely unbelievable to me that there are certain individuals that chose to bring some sort of stress to me and my family at this time of loss of our precious little boy.

I find it to be disrespectful to me, my family, my son Jackson and most of all to the Lord.

I have tried my hardest to deal with these issues with love and forgiveness, as that is what we are to do.

It just is hard to imagine why people are filled with such anger and hatred.

Jackson's journey has been one to fill our lives with love. Anyone who truly loved him or this family, would have respect enough to live with that love also.

Love covers a multitude of sins.

Love one another....Jesus said.

Thursday, July 19, 2001 at 10:16 AM (CDT)

Good Morning to all ~

Wishing you a wonderful day....thank you for checking in on us here.

We have been so very busy lately. The children have had a full schedule. It feels good some days just to sit here and relax. I don't like it when we start running so much that we are missing that quality time just talking and being together. It feels good to just be here together, enjoying our family.

I hear people all the time telling us that we should do things differently or that we should get out more....yikes ! We have been gone all the time that last year and a half. There has been such a busy schedule for our family, and we missed so much time with Jessie and Jake. The last thing that we want to do is to be gone all the time.

I wouldn't do much of anything differently, and I wouldn't change much of how we lived the last year and a half with Jackson. I feel that everything was as it had to be. Jackson's health and happiness was our priority. We had such special times with him. I am so very thankful for those family days together....we have beautiful memories and wonderful experiences to hold on to.

We still are very busy here. I have so many people that I think to call or write to and the day goes by so fast.

We have been concentrating on the White Eagle business. It has been very active and keeping us all busy. It has been very blessed and we are so thankful for this opportunity. These homes with Honest Abe are very beautiful. It feels good to see other people having their dream home become a reality.

We are thankful for this life and all that the Good Lord has blessed us with, and of course for our precious little boy...Jackson Ben. We have such peace when we think about him. Jack has taught us so many things, and told us not to be sad, not to worry, that Jesus protects him.

When people say that we are not grieving the "right" way, or not crying enough....my heart feels sad for them...they didn't live this wonderful testimony with Jackson. It is awesome beyond words. Our hearts miss him so much every day, but it is in a very different way. Jack is not gone, he is with his friend...Jesus.

Monday, July 16, 2001 at 08:28 PM (CDT)

Good Evening ~

It seems like this whole day has revolved around Jackson. It felt so good ,in many ways, to be back to that place in time.

I have tried to get so many things done concerning Jackson. We really felt his garden would be the first step. It turned out very beautiful. It has been harder with the hot, dry weather but I feel that it will be a very special and ongoing project.

We then have been putting all of Jackson's special things and toys away...up higher away from everyone. They are in places that we can see them, but not down where everyone can touch them.

I finally sent out most of our Thank you's a few weeks back. We surely appreciated all of the cards and gifts from our family and friends. How blessed we are to have such a supportive group of people around us. I still have a few left to get out. I have some addresses I haven't found yet, so if your's is one of them I apologize :)

Today we made another step forward with Jackson's stone. It was set at the cemetary today. It came earlier then we had thought, so it was a surprise that today was the day. It turned out very precious. We like it a lot. It was hard to see his little name there in writing, but then again I feel better that he has some recognition to his little self. I am very blessed to be his momma, and I surely want people to know what a special little boy he is.

We have many plans to do in remembrance of Jackson. Mike's family had served a dinner one night at the Ronald McDonald House. We would like to make a yearly effort to do that. They were called "Jack's Team". I like that. I think that many people do not realize that when a family stays at the McD House that they are totally uprooted from their lives, homes, jobs, etc. It is a hard place to be, and the families really rely on that donated nightly dinner.

We also would like to help other families going through a similar situation as our's. It is unlike any other. We met so many children along the way, and almost all of them have passed on. It is a sad world to live in....one that nobody really relates to.

There are so many good and kind hearted people in the world....so many caring and giving....unselfish and loving. It makes the day so much brighter and life so much more special.

What a sad sight to see the people that don't live in that side of life.

Jackson liked that song...keep on the sunny side of life :)

What a special place to be.

God bless you all.

Saturday, July 14, 2001 at 07:27 PM (CDT)

Good Evening to all ~

Thank you for checking in on us tonight. It has been a more quiet day here. We did go visit my mom and Wally this morning...and enjoyed our time there. Mike had a business meeting tonight. Jess and Jake are both gone until tomorrow. Baby Joe and I are cleaning...as always. :)

We did have a little visit with Mike's Uncle Don and Aunt Ellie today, who were in for the weekend from New Jersey. It was nice to see them. We surely appreciate them taking the time to come see us.

I would ask any one who checks on today, if you would please join together in prayer with us for Angela and Jeremy.

Thank you so much. God bless you.

Friday, July 13, 2001 at 07:14 AM (CDT)

Good Morning ~

I decided to get on here earlier, before the day gets busy. Jess and I were gone for the afternoon yesterday and we left the guys at home. We had so many errands to run, but we had fun.

I have come to realize that I really don't like to go out shopping much since Jack's passing. It seems as though everything I see as I walk through the store would be something I would get for him. Even at the grocery store. He was my little helper there, and he really enjoyed when we would go. Jackson was such a little man and spoke so wise. I will never forget that last day we walked out of the grocery store....he was pushing out the little cart filled with grocerys, and the sun was shining so bright. He turned to me and said...Isn't is just a beautiful day out Mother? Everyday was beautiful...just to see his smile.

I am very thankful and blessed for my time with Jackson Ben, and for my children here.

I was in Jack's garden last night, pulling weeds. I usually sing all of my "Jackson songs" when I am thinking of him. We had some favorites that we sang together ever since he was a baby. He surely is a special little boy. We miss him so much.

Thank you for your thoughts for us today. Many blessings to you.

Wednesday, July 11, 2001 at 08:09 AM (CDT)

Good Morning ~

Every time I start to write about Jackson's testimony, I feel led to share some of the personal experiences that Jack had pertaining to his walk with the Lord. It is hard for me to put such things in to words, but I trust that you will be blessed by this somehow.

When Jackson first spoke about his angel, he was speaking of this in reference to another special happening that I will write about at another time....pertaining to his Light and his Jesus. Jackson had been telling us things that he had seen. One day as we were leaving for a hospital procedure, Jackson looked up toward the corner of the ceiling and said "bye, bye Light".

I had asked Jackson what he was seeing, and he told me that he seen his angel. I had asked him if his angel was a boy or a girl, and he scrunched up his eyebrows and said "mom, it's an angel".

On another occasion, Jackson went to my bedroom and took a little Dreamsicle cherub angel that a friend had given me years ago. Jackson came running out of the bedroom and told us that his angel looked like this little one.

Jackson carried that little angel around for over a year. When we picked out some special things to place with him at the visitation, the angel was one of them.

I have heard of children's angel testimony's and I know them to be true. God is very real and very much with us. As the pastor said at Jack's service, we all need to come as a child and have that child-like faith. We don't need to figure out everything or have all of the answers, we only have to believe.

Only Believe.

I do believe in angels, just as the Bible tells of them.

Two weeks before Jackson passed on, I had said to him that I didn't know what I would do if he ever left me. Jack looked at me and immediately said "I not leave you. Jesus protects me."

I know that Jackson was protected.

There is such peace in my heart. I know that Jackson hasn't left me. He is with me in a very special way.

Happy 1st Birthday to Ms. Trinity ...we hope that you had a wonderful day. God bless you little girl.

Monday, July 09, 2001 at 08:57 AM (CDT)

Good Morning to everyone ~

Thank you for taking the time to visit us here today.

We have spent a lot of time in the house the last few days with this hot weather. I think that it said 95' out on our porch yesterday...and that was in the shade.

We finally had a little time yesterday to celebrate baby Joe's 1st birthday. He enjoyed it very much. He even had a little cake and ice cream.

We are all missing Jackson so much. This last month has been very hard for us here. Jackson was just such a special little boy...everyone's buddy. It just gets lonely, wanting to hold him and hear his voice. Jack would've loved the party.

We talk of his life and testimony every day. It truly is awesome. When we look around our home and speak of all the special things that Jackson led us to see, I can only be in awe. We are so thankful that the Lord has opened our eyes.

I pray often that He will open the eyes of those around us.

I am happy to hear that the Thank you's were appreciated. I picked that photo of Jack because of his big smile. That is just how we remember him...a bright shining light.

Many blessings to you all today.

Saturday, July 07, 2001 at 08:09 AM (CDT)

Good Morning to everyone ~

We just wanted to wish you all a wonderful weekend.

We are planning to stay around home. Jess is still up north and Jake has his friend Tyler over. Mike is having a morning round of golf. Joe is still sleeping. We have many things outside to do here today. We really would like to finish up a few projects.

Thank you for all of the birthday wishes for baby Joe.

Enjoy the day....will write again soon.

Thursday, July 05, 2001 at 02:23 PM (CDT)

Happy Birthday to Little man Joe !!!

Baby Joseph is one year old today. It really doesn't seem like a year has went by already. I am so thankful for this blessing. It does my heart and mind so good to have this baby to hold. Joseph has been my comfort these last few months. Amidst all of the chaotic moments of trying to care for Jackson and a new baby....Joe brought so much joy to Jackson. They were the best of friends. They bathed together, ate together, played together and slept together.

Having a birthday party once again in this house. Our first one without Jackson to lead the fun. He was in charge of cake, candles and birthday music. It has been so different here with out our Jackson Ben.

I am truly thankful for Jessie, Jacob and baby Joseph. They fill our days with much joy. As we all miss Jack today, we are happy to have each other and thankful for the time that Jackson was here with us.

I wish you all a wonderful day.

Wednesday, July 04, 2001 at 08:37 AM (CDT)

Good Morning !

Independence Day....what a special day that really is. I think that most of us get so caught up in the fireworks and day of vacation, we forget what this day truly represents. It is quite a privledge to be living in the land of the free. What a blessed people we are.

Our children are excited today about the fireworks. It always brings some anticipation for the day. There is something awesome about watching the beautiful display of colors, high in the air.

Last year, we were at relatives watching. The year before we were at Amery...sitting in the car because of Jack's fever. I think the year before that we were in Louisville, KY watching the fireworks over the Ohio river.

We had actually planned to be on vacation this week, but things were too busy. Hopefully within the next month we can still go.

Mike has been very busy with the White Eagle business. He has an excellent product with the Honest Abe Log Homes. He has a home being built not too far from here, and he said it is really beautiful. Jake went with him yesterday and they both said that I would love it. I can't wait to see the home.

Mike worked on his new office the other night, and it is really nice. Almost done. We went and stood on the steps where Jackson stood the night that we started the new office. Jackson looked around and said "Daddy, you have a beautiful office". Jack really did his part in helping us too. He was a hard little worker...for his poppa, and for the Lord.

Mike and Jacob are out golfing this morning. Baby Joe is playing with Jackson's truck. Jess is doing the bear hunting thing...or baiting or whatever they do during training season. :) Mike and I have been together for about 19 years and I still have never went up north to see what they do.

I wish you all a wonderful family day....enjoy the sunshine.

When you see the biggest firework tonight...you know the ones that spread out in that big awesome display ...please remember Jackson Ben. He would love that.

God bless.

Tuesday, July 03, 2001 at 09:47 AM (CDT)

Precious Little Boy, Jackson Ben.

Go ahead and mention my child
The one that passed on, you know.

Don't worry about hurting my feelings,
the depth of my pain does not show.

Don't worry about making me cry,
I'm already crying inside.

Help me to heal by releasing the tears
that we try so hard to hide.

I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
pretending that he didn't exist.

I'd rather you mention my child,
knowing that he has been missed.

You ask me how I'm doing,
I say "alright" or "fine".

But healing is something ongoing...
I feel it will take a lifetime.

7 weeks ago this morning, our precious little boy went home with the Lord. We miss him here so much. We think of him every day. We miss his smile. We miss his laugh. We miss his cute way of talking. We miss his wisdom. We miss his joy.

The Lord had shown us that Jackson had a job to do here in his little life. He had also shown us that Jackson would be alright. All we had to do was trust in Him. That is what we did, and Jackson is alright. It all worked as it was to be.

God knows that I have no confusion on the plan for Jackson. It is an amazing and powerful testimony. We still hold to all that we did before...even more.

We still miss Jackson Ben though....very much. It is a happy feeling and a peaceful feeling. We know that Jack is alright. He is better then the rest of us :) We just miss him, and always will.

Until we meet again angel boy. Momma loves...momma loves.

Monday, July 02, 2001 at 08:47 AM (CDT)

Good Morning to everyone ~

I hope that you all had a great weekend. Our's was wonderful. We had many nice visits with different family and friends. We also done some yardwork that was long over due. Jess did some staining and I did some weed pulling :) I have so much more of that to do ! Our vegetable garden is finally making some progress. It is a little slow this year. Jackson's Garden is doing well, although last week kind of dried it a little and now I need to weed that too. A special friend of mine made a bright yellow twinkle star to hang on his picket fence in the garden. I really love it....it is perfect.

I thank those of you who have been supportive and understanding to us during this time. We really appreciate your kindness. Missing Jackson is very hard, but we are so thankful for the time that we had with him. Jack was so awesome. It has been so amazing to be part of his journey ! I thank you for your part in this journey.

We wish you a blessed day :)

Saturday, June 30, 2001 at 08:28 AM (CDT)

Good Morning to all ~

I wanted to wish everyone a wonderful weekend. It seems like a family time, with 4th of July celebrations and all. We have a few invitations for the weekend, so we hope that it works out to visit with everyone.

I remember 2 years ago on the fourth, we were invited to friends for a cookout. Jackson had developed one of his fevers. They would come once a month. I never thought that it was cancer related at the time, but looking back I can see how this all ties in with the leukemia. We ended up watching fireworks from the car that night, as we thought Jack might have had a contagious virus....but he did not. I think last year at Mae and Gary's was the only real experience Jack had seeing fireworks. We all had a lot of fun with a picnic and playing softball. Jackson couldn't walk at the time due to his just being released from the 3 1/2 week stay at the hospital. He sure had big smiles though playing catch and watching the fireworks. It is a wonderful memory. One of Jackson's most favorite people is uncle Gary. Gary really gave Jack some one on one time and Jack loved him dearly. I also remember Mae stopping by a week or two before Jack passed. She read him his brand new Curious George books. I am so thankful for that.

There are so many things that I had planned for this summer with the children. We sure do miss holding his little tiny self and hearing his voice.

I am so thankful for the Lord's goodness. When I think back to all of the special times we had together with Jack....what a wonderful journey.

Enjoy the weekend. God bless.

Friday, June 29, 2001 at 07:05 AM (CDT)

Good Morning ~

It is Jake's last day of summer school today. He really enjoyed his classes this year, especially the basketball and fishing. We are trying to think of some family activities to do with the rest of our summer. Jess is working with her black calf everyday. She is bringing her to the Polk Co. Fair the end of July for her 4H project. We are excited to go watch her show...that should be quite an experience. :)

We were talking about last summer and how hectic that was. Jackson was in the hospital for over 3 weeks. He had been in a major battle with staph infection. It was a miracle that Jack survived that. I think about it now and it makes me just cry. It was really, really bad. Jackson had a tube put in his lung to drain the infection. He also had his surgery to drain the infection out of his hip socket. He didn't walk for 5 weeks. He had lost all muscle tone from laying in the hospital bed for so long. We had missed the whole month of being with Jess and Jake. When we were finally able to come home, we packed our baby bags and prepared for Joseph to be born. I remember when I was in the hospital with Joe, it was the first time that Jackson was ever left with out me. Jackson and I slept side by side and this was our first nights apart. When I came back home, we worked everyday on physical therapy to get his body stronger. One day Jackson said.....I walking momma...I walking.

Precious little boy. He sure was a soldier....fighting all the way.

If I would have known that the Lord was going to take my son home, in the blink of an eye, without any sign of it's coming....I wonder how I would've acted or felt. I really am in awe of His ways...as they are Perfect.

We all need to press this battle daily...press on, press on. The Lord's second coming will be just like that I believe...we all need to be prepared everyday.

I wish you all a wonderful day....a wonderful weekend. May God bless you.

Thursday, June 28, 2001 at 11:21 AM (CDT)

Good Morning ~

We have been very blessed here this morning. It is so wonderful to have friends to fellowship with. The Bible says that where there are 2 or 3 gathered together in the Name of the Lord, there shall He be also. What an amazing experience this journey is. We really are so thankful for these blessings.

I have been thinking about all of the wonderful experiences that we had being with Jackson. He taught our family so much. I wish that I could express all of these things on this web site, but my words could never really show you.

I know that many of you have heard about Jackson's button and I am sure you are wondering what that is about. I can only testify to what I have seen and what I feel has been revealed to us.

Jackson's journey in his little life has shown us may signs and wonders from the Lord. There have been many supernatural signs for us to see and know that God is real...the Holy Spirit is very much alive and with us today.

If we open our hearts and minds to the Lord, He will bless us with these things.

Our friends had held a benefit for us in February of 2000. One of my friends had made buttons with Jack's picture on it to sell that night also. We have a very dear sweet Christian friend of our's that had taken home one of the buttons, and had noticed with in a few weeks that the button had changed. It had developed little droplets of blood covering Jackson on the button. It was under the plastic covering, but over his picture.

I have had a few people who have heard about this and many who have wondered why we haven't shared this.

I take these signs very seriously and have all love and respect for the Lord.

I fully realize that not everyone can accept or will accept these signs. People have questioned and talked about our testimony for years now, and don't even realize what they are doing.

I have heard that the only sin that is unforgivable in this life or the life to come, is blasphemy of the Holy Spirit.

I know that all of these experiences that we have had in the last 3 years have been from the Holy Spirit.

I would gladly have shared these things sooner and will share them with those that ask with a sincere heart and with those that can receive such things.

We have been very blessed and I have vowed to go forth boldly with this testimony.

My prayer is for those who have been led to read this journal on a regular basis, that the Lord will richly bless you and lead you to understand and believe.

God's Word is Truth. We only have to believe.

Tuesday, June 26, 2001 at 09:04 AM (CDT)

God's Garden ~

God looked around His garden and found an empty place

He then looked down upon the earth and saw your tired face.

He put His loving arms around you, and lifted you to rest,

God's garden must be beautiful....He only takes the best.

He knew that you were suffering, He knew you were in pain.

He knew that you would not get better on this earth again.

He saw the road was getting rough, and the hills were hard to climb.

So He closed your weary eyelids, and whispered "Peace be thine".

It broke our hearts to lose you, but you didn't go alone...

For part of us went with you, the day God called you home.

God needed a "little bud" to add to His bouquet. Jack was a perfect little buddy for the garden.

The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh. Blessed be the Name of the Lord.

We miss you so much Jackson Ben. We'll love you...forever.

Thank you to those of you who been so loving and kind to us here. It has been a very difficult journey for us, and your support has given us comfort. It is so true that one can see their true friends, in a time of need....thank you precious friends and family. We are very blessed to have you in our lives. May God bless you.

Monday, June 25, 2001 at 07:43 AM (CDT)

Good Morning ~

Just a quick note to wish everyone a wonderful day.

Jake is getting ready for summer school. It is the last week. He has a basketball scrimmage there this morning, so he is excited about that. Jess will be home soon with Grandma Bonnie.

We are going to keep working this week on our home projects and try to trim up the yard a little bit. We have kinda left Mike's office alone. It was the last thing that we were able to do alone with Jackson was to start on daddy's office. The night before Mother's Day the three of us stayed up until midnight putting things together. Jack was so excited for Mike. He looked around and said. Daddy...you have a beautiful office.

We haven't touched a thing since. We will probably do that tomorrow.

I wish everyone a blessed day. Look around and see the beauty everywhere :)

Special Happy Birthday wishes to my friend Jody !!! Thank you to you for all of your love and support. I hope that your day is awesome.

Sunday, June 24, 2001 at 09:17 AM (CDT)

Good Sunday Morning <><

Thank you for your thoughts for us today.

We have had a busy weekend here with Clear Lake days and all....and some special visiting with family and friends. We just finished morning coffee with some friends from Indiana that were also up here for the weekend.

Jake and his friend Tyler sold pop in the parade yesterday. Jess went up north with Mike's mom. She was unable to march in the parade. The doctor said that she had strep and needed to rest....no marching. I had really hoped that she could, as I love to hear her play...but I am sure she is getting the rest that she needs.

Baby Joe liked to see all of the lights and music last night. We had to keep strolling though or he would be ancy. He reminds me so much of Jackson Ben in many ways.

Mike and I were watching all of the little kids riding the kiddie rides last night. We seen the cars that you could beep the horn. My heart just aches for Jack. He would have just LOVED to ride them cars.

We will probably stay close to home today and relax. It looks so nice and beautiful outside. I wish you all a wonderfully blessed day !

Friday, June 22, 2001 at 06:57 AM (CDT)

Good Morning to everyone ~

We have Jacob's guest day at summer school this morning, so I thought I better update before I leave. We get to go watch him in his classes. They will also be going to the park to fish, so Jake is excited about that. It will be a busy weekend. It is Clear Lake Days and Jess and Jake would like to go in town. Jess will march in the parade tomorrow morning, and then get back in the line-up for her 4H float. Jake and his buddy Tyler will be selling pop during the parade, also for 4H.

Jess has a doctor appointment this afternoon. She has been sick the last two days. She is feeling better, but her throat hurts.

Baby Joe is doing good. He and I did a little shopping yesterday. He is not much of a shopper :) which is fine I guess...it makes me move faster and only get what I needed.

Our downstairs projects are coming along very nicely. We are anxious to see the finished rooms.

We received another card yesterday from one of Jackson's nurses. It is amazing to see how many lives that Jack really did touch. She wrote some special memories about his clinic visits....he really made a lasting impression with them all. He was a very special and unique little man.

I wish you all a wonderful day. Enjoy the sunshine.........

Wednesday, June 20, 2001 at 11:14 AM (CDT)

Good Morning ~

I was just looking through the photo's of Jackson. He sure was a beautiful boy....or handsome.. as he would say....fandsome. One day he said he had his "fancy" clothes from Auntie Donna. The next time it was his "handsome" clothes. Then he decided he was "fandsome". He really was very precious.

This week has been very hard. I had read from another mom that people say it will get easier and it hasn't at all. Everyday is a continuous reminder of Jackson and how much we love and miss him. His personality was such a blessing to our lives. I understand that no one else can really feel what we are feeling. It seems like some people really don't take our feelings in to much consideration...but such is the way of the world. We all seem to revolve around our own needs. It is amazing to me to see how much time people spend in a day talking about trivial matters. I have vowed to make my life worth the journey. God has a purpose here for each one of us, and I pray that I can fulfill that purpose that He wills for me.

We have still working on our projects...never ending I suppose. Mike's mom and Jess are down painting now. It is going to look very nice. I spent the day yesterday painting the fence for Jackson's Garden. It is a picket fence, and we painted it a buttercream yellow. It is actually called twilight sun. It reminded me of Jack. I did some painting on it for him...stars, and angels and a big sunshine and little purple flowers. On Mother's Day, Jack had some little purple flowers that we planted. He told me that they were his favorite flower and that they were "just adorable".

It feels good to make some progress in the house. It has been kinda messy for a long time :) doing daycare in your home for 10 years makes for lots of messy house days. It feels good to be getting organized.

I wish you all a wonderful day. I will write again soon. God bless....and thank you for your thoughts today.

Monday, June 18, 2001 at 02:22 PM (CDT)

Good Afternoon to all ~

A little more rain this morning...just what we needed. :) I wonder how many days there are in the last month that it hasn't rained. ???

We had a family gathering last night at Grandma Cindy and Wally's house. Wally cooked out on the grill and Grandma made home made malts like we used to eat all the time when we were little :) Everyone was there and we had nice time.

We made great progress this weekend with Jackson's Garden. It feels good to have this here with us, as a memorial place for our little boy. We have spent many days at the cemetary to find comfort....fully knowing that Jack is not really there. It will be nice to have that comfort here in our yard with us, every day. It is a beautiful garden...I really like it a lot.

We are working on updating Jessie's room a bit, and also finishing the office downstairs and the other rooms. There is always so much to do, but I look forward to the change.

Mike has been busy with the business. It is a great time to build a home. I really like our log home, but those timber framed homes sure are beautiful. :)

I wish you all a wonderful day....will write again soon, and hopefully get the new photo's of Jackson on here soon. God bless.

Sunday, June 17, 2001 at 08:29 AM (CDT)

Good Sunday Morning....wishing all of the dads out there a very Happy Father's Day.

It is very hard to think about today and not wish for Jackson to be with us. Mother's Day was only one month ago, and Jackson was feeing pretty good besides some body aches. He had a wonderful day and enjoyed playing and visiting with our family that had came over. One would have never, ever knew that he would be gone within a little more then another day.

Mike's last moments with Jackson were very special to him. Jackson and Mike were laying in bed. Jackson was very peaceful. Mike and Jackson said their prayers like they did every single night.

Jackson would always pray 'Now I lay me down to sleep...I pray to the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake.... I pray to the Lord my soul to take.' Jack had some special friends that he asked blessings upon after that, and then he would always ask God to bless all of the sick kids....in Jesus Name. Amen.

After they said their prayer....Mike told Jackson that he could close his eyes and go to sleep.

Within the hour....Jackson had passed on to be with the Lord.

Jackson had not appeared to be in any such way that he would be passing. The doctors didn't understand. We all assumed that Jack would be coming home that day or the next, as he always did with these things.

I think of how shocking the whole morning was to us all.

I remember the times that we brought him in for prayer. I think of how many times that he was healed....over and over. It is all a miracle to me. I seen many wonderful testimonies through Jackson Ben.

Everything was in the Lord's Hands from the beginning. All we had to do is trust in Him. When Jackson passed on as he did, I realized that All is well. Jack was going to be alright. All of the things that God has shown to us....came to pass.

In my "little" understanding, I had put a slightly different interpretation on things. I see now that Jackson's life was all right on schedule. Jackson Ben had did his work. Jackson Ben had did a wonderful job. Jackson Ben is an awesome little man. Jack IS alright. We miss him so much. We love him so much. We are so thankful to have been his parents. We thank the Lord for His kindness and grace to us here. God is very good.

I thank you for thinking of us and for your love and prayers.

Saturday, June 16, 2001 at 04:29 PM (CDT)

Good Afternoon !

It has been another one of those days that has just seemed to fly by. I had meant to update earlier.....

We went to Jacob's teachers house for a class picnic, and we had a wonderful time !! His teacher is really sweet and very kind. Mike actually had her as a teacher also when she was fresh out of college. Jess had her also, and now this last year was Jake.

Jess went to the parade in Clayton with Arcand's. Baby Joe is a little fussy tonight...a runny nose and stuff. It is no fun having a head cold, especially in the warmer weather.

We are going out to work more in the garden. Jackson's Garden....

We sure do miss him....terribly so.

Our hearts are filled with love for this precious boy Jackson Ben.

Special "Happy Birthday" wishes to Auntie Krista today :)

Friday, June 15, 2001 at 08:32 AM (CDT)

Good Morning ~

It is hard to believe that we are halfway through June already. I am so glad it is Friday. We have some fun family plans this weekend, so we are excited to be doing something together. It seems like some one is always inviting Jessie and Jake to go places on the weekends. As much as they love to leave us...Mike and I really miss them when they are gone.

Jackson's picture and write-up is in the Clear Lake paper this week. I thought it turned out real nice. There sure seems to be a lot of typo's and triple spacing though. I was disappointed to see that. I like things to be done perfectly...especially for my children. Anyway....it is out this week if anyone would like a copy.

I have so many things that I would like to write about Jackson. I am going to devote certain entries during the week to reflect on his little life and testimony. I will try to add different pictures sometime this weekend also.

I would like to send special "Happy Birthday" wishes to my brother Aaron today. Wishing you a wonderful day !!! We love you so much. xoxoxo

Thank you for checking in on us here....enjoy the day :)

Wednesday, June 13, 2001 at 10:57 AM (CDT)

Good Morning to everyone ~

I have been thinking of Jackson all morning...looking at pictures, and thinking about all of the precious things that he would say and do. It seems like when the day is gloomy and the rain is falling, one might feel a little more sad then usual. I thought that I would write about some of Jackson's favorite things today as they always bring a smile to my face :)

Jack's favorite color was yellow...sometimes blue like his new bike, and sometimes orange like his shirts but mostly yellow like his favorite yellow coat and little rain boots.

Jack's favorite toys were anything with wheels...just like Jacob. Jackson liked to take all of Jake's cool cars and bring them into his room to add to his own collection. He really liked trucks and fire engines.

Jack's favorite foods were pizza, french fries, cheeseburger, chocolate milk, ham and cheese sandwich with mayonaise, red soup with crackers (tomato), noodles of any kind, and hot dogs with mayo (?) actually anything that had mayo or some kind of dip. He also loved cereal....cinnamon toast crunch or frosted mini wheats....and watermelon !

Jack really liked to watch movies or pbs. He loved Sesame Street, Calliou, Dragon tales, Clifford and one of his new favorites was Curious George.

Jack liked to drink cappucino and work on the computer like his momma.

Jack loved to go to town to get grocery's or go to the gas station with his poppa to get a treat.

Jack loved stars. He loved his American flag. He loved rainbows. He loved windmills. He loved puppies. He loved his brothers and sister. Jack loved to help Mike do his log home business....he said that he needed to go to the Mpls. home show too. Jack loved to water the plants outside. Jack loved to sing music...especially his Happy Birthday CD or his Jesus music. Jackson really loved to hear his music from our Easter service tape in Indiana. He loved to talk about Brother Branham.

Jackson told us so many things that were amazing to hear. He was very smart and very spiritual, I believe.

I would like to write about these kind of precious words and events that Jackson led in his little life with the hopes that they encourage you somehow.

Thank you for your thoughts today...I hope that your day is wonderfully blessed.

Tuesday, June 12, 2001 at 09:58 AM (CDT)

Good Morning ~

I hope that the strong winds didn't cause too much damage last night. We are all fine here...it totally skipped over us. I was worried about our new trees, hoping that they wouldn't blow over...and thankfully so, they were not touched at all. My mom and brother's family up by Clayton had a lot of damage to their yards and outbuildings.

Mike's delivery went pretty well yesterday. He came home right as the storm rolled over us.

Jess, Joe and I had a wonderful time with our friend yesterday. We took a nice walk around the lake and then had coffee.

Jake is enjoying his summer school so far. He really is excited about his fishing class, although he was wondering what he could possibly learn as he knows just about everything that there is to know :) He also couldn't figure out why in the world he couldn't keep the fish that they caught. Mike tried to explain a little to him about the catch and release...Jake is more in to the catch and eat.

We have so much to do here. I guess that we should get busy. Thank you for taking the time to check in on us here.

It has been 4 weeks since Jack went home. I am pretty sure that every Tuesday morning I will think of Jackson and that big smile that he had on his face that morning at 5:07. It is hard to be sad, as I know how happy Jackson was at that moment. I miss him so, so much. We think about him every minute of the day. There is true comfort though...fully knowing and seeing with our own eyes, that Jackson was a true servant for the Lord. He lived his whole little life only for Him. How awesome.

Jackson has taught us so much here in our little home. He has opened my eyes to the true meaning of this life.

I sure do love that little man, Jackson Ben.

As I was thinking about Jack this morning, and looking out the window....there came that papa eagle flying by. Jackson is alright. The Lord showed us all along, that all is well...it was all going to be alright. And it is :)

Monday, June 11, 2001 at 07:24 AM (CDT)

Good Morning ~

Today is the first day of summer school. Jake decided he wanted to go this year, but Jessie is staying home. Jake has taken a fishing class, outdoor science and basketball...so I am sure that he will have fun. We are already used to sleeping in a little later though :)

Mike has another delivery today for the business. Jess and I and baby Joe are having morning coffee with a friend.

We did start on our special garden over the weekend. It felt good to do something for Jackson. We all miss him so much here. I am excited now to get it complete....for it is time. I want it done by this coming weekend. We had the whole family out there helping. We planted our "family tree" last night also. It is beautiful. We picked out a 10 ft. red maple. We had planted one at out other house too, but left it there when we moved here. It looks so nice there, and I would've been sad to have moved it and disrupted it somehow. We had 7 trees total to plant here this weekend.

well....off for coffee :) I will write again soon.

Happy, Happy Birthday wishes to Auntie Donna today. Thank you for the continuous support, friendship and joy that you have given to our precious little Jackson Ben and for our whole family. You are very special to us. God bless you.

Sunday, June 10, 2001 at 09:00 AM (CDT)

Good Sunday Morning <><

I thought that this morning I would share a little testimony that happened with Jackson one day as we were driving home from Reeve. As with most things, I guess you had to be there to see how amazing this ride home was, but I trust that you will somehow understand.

One day about a year ago, Mike and I and Jackson were traveling through Reeve towards home. There was a man walking along side of the road that we could see up ahead of us. Mike wanted to pull over and help him. I, on the other hand, didn't feel comfortable to do so especially with Jack being alone in the back seat. Mike still pulled over, and said that he felt lead to do so. I knew that the Holy Spirit was leading Mike, so I said nothing and we pulled over to get the man.

As soon as we rolled down the window, the man said "God bless you." I felt strange as we asked him where he needed to go. The man said that he needed a ride into Clear Lake as his truck had broke down somewhere. When that man sat down in the back seat, Jackson acted like he had known the man forever. Jack was laughing and giggling and talking away. He and the man were carrying on such a unique conversation...it was so bizarre. I think that we asked him his name, and I think that it was John. It was such a special ride in to town listening to Jack and the man. When we drove into Clear Lake the man was a little vague about where he needed to be...but we droppped him off by an apartment complex. The man got out of the car, and turned to us and said "May God bless you in the Name of Jesus Christ".

I wonder some days....who did Jackson see sitting beside him ? Did he see the same person I had seen ? Was this possibly an "angel" unaware that we hear spoke about....be kind to strangers for they may be an angel unaware. Why did Jack act like he had known this man forever...maybe he had. How many people do you see on a daily basis that bless you in Jesus Name for your kindness ? I guess that one depends on what group of people you are gathered in...I have been blessed to have been in some special groups of friends that every one speaks with that love towards each other.

I will never forget that day. It was an awesome experience and an awesome ride. The Lord is so good.

I wish you all a wonderfully blessed day !

Saturday, June 09, 2001 at 07:00 AM (CDT)

Good Morning ~

Mike and I just seen the coolest rainbow out of our living room window. It was a full one...in full color. Very awesome. There are signs of God's promises all around. We couldn't help but think of Jackson right away. He talked about rainbows often.

We have a Neways meeting this morning in Clayton from 9-11:00. That is the product line that we had switched too awhile back, mostly for Jackson. It has every household item one would need plus a full vitamin/mineral line...all totally toxin free. Our family really likes the products.

Mike and Tom E. were trying to get a round of golf in before that starts. I see that it is sprinkling again so hopefully they will not get rained out.

There is also an Espeseth reunion today that we are going to, and a Stansbury one tomorrow. It will be a weekend of visiting once again.

Jess and Jake made it home last night. They had a good time with Grandma Bonnie and spending time with uncle Jim a little too.

Mike and I and baby Joe were at Grandma Engebretson's yesterday. We had a nice visit. Jackson always loved to go see her too. He called her "Grandma Cindy's mother". She had let Jack borrow her singing Billy Bass fish. That helped him laugh through many sad days at the Ronald McDonald House. Jack had told Mike, don't worry...be happy :)

I wish you all a very "happy" day !!

Special Happy wishes to you C- Enjoy the day :)

Friday, June 08, 2001 at 08:02 AM (CDT)

Good Morning ~

Here comes the sun...do do do do...here comes the sun, and I say...it's all right...:)

I guess the warmer weather is coming. I really prefer it cooler myself. Last week when it was sunny and about 55'...that is more like me.

We have been so busy here...and still so much to do. We did finally make it to the greenhouse though. We had a special time picking out our trees and plants. We also found a smaller bird bath with little angels on it, and a plant hanger with an angel...and some lilly of the valley, which is the flower for the month of May, and also Jesus is called the Lilly of the Valley...a very fragnant and beautiful flower. Now, we just have to agree on where to plant the garden :) It has to be "perfect".

We had company stop over last night, so that was really nice. Andi & Paul came to visit, and then Nate and Jason K. stopped after work. It was great to see everyone.

It is exciting to hear of all the Relay for Life races tonight. I would love to go see one. There is always something about the candle light shining through the darkness that always moves me. We seen so many children fight through these treatments. What strong little people. They go through so much, and almost every one of them that we met over the last year and a half have passed on...from either the cancer, or the bone marrow transplant. The sad thing is to me, is that you get so totally consumed in the treatment and the "schedule"....doing all you can for your child, and life just seems to pass you by.

It all went too fast. What I would do for just one more day with Jackson...but I know that God really does work things out perfectly. It must have been His perfect will to take Jackson home, and had I known that Jack would be going so quickly like he did...this momma couldn't have let go. He knows best...always.

I wish you all a weekend filled with happiness and an abundance of blessings.

Thursday, June 07, 2001 at 07:06 AM (CDT)

Good Morning to everyone ~

I was hoping to update yesterday, but we ran out of time. We had a chance to go out visiting a little. We took a drive over Prairie Farm way....we had a few invitations, so we thought we would go. It was nice to get out for awhile. Jess and Jake are with Grandma Bonnie, so it's just little man Joe.

Mike has been busy with the business....every one wants to build it seems....so that is good. He put in the vegetable garden the other day. Last night we seen that there were families of rabbits all over the yard though....and deer tracks going through the soil of the garden. We have quite a bit of wildlife running around here. They are pretty to watch, but Mike really doesn't want them in our garden...just like Mr. McGregor :)

I turned in the write-up and picture of Jackson for the Clear Lake paper the other day also. It will be out next week, I think. It was hard to write a condensed version of Jackson's life...even though it may have only been 3 1/2 years, I had so much in my heart to say. I also couldn't find a picture to use....most of the pictures do not fully portray the brilliant shining face and personality that I seen every minute.

I couldn't be more thankful for Jackson's life...and to be his momma. He taught us SO much. It is still so hard to believe that he is not physically here to hold.

The Bible says that the day of the Lord will come like a thief in night to get us, to go with Him. I feel that Jackson's leaving was a perfect example of that. We had no clue that Jack was that sick. He was in with a tummy ache and a fever....just like many other times before. He had just left the clinic that day after a complete check up. It is such a reminder of how we all should be ready at any given moment.

My comfort in losing Jack, is that I know very truly that he just left Mike's arms to go with the Lord. We had prayed many times for different issues for Jack, and he was always healed. I knew in my heart that it wouldn't be the cancer that would take Jackson. Of course, in my thinking, I just never wanted to think that Jack would leave. It must have been the Lord's perfect will....as it was all timed out "perfectly".

Special birthday blessings today going out to Aaron...Bob...and Pete. We wish each of you a wonderful day :)

Tuesday, June 05, 2001 at 07:58 AM (CDT)

Good Morning ~

It is hard to believe that it has been 3 weeks since Jack's passing. Every time I look at the clock, I think of 5:07. Numbers are so significant and we hardly ever acknowledge them. I have come to see that there isn't one fine detail in our daily life that is not in the Lord's Hands. Jack's angel took him home at 5:07. 5 being the number of grace. 7 being the number of completion. When we came back home after the service for Jackson, Mike's new business clock had stopped. The time on the clock is 7:05....on the nose. It also is odd but true that baby Joseph's birthday is on 7/05. All I see is complete grace, over and over.

It is all in His hands...and it is all right on time. God makes no mistakes. God is never late.

It is hard for us to try to figure these things out, but it is not our place to "figure" out. We only have to believe. Believe in Him, and believe that His ways are perfect.

I have been a witness to some amazing things since Jackson's passing. I see the Lord at work in a powerful way. I believe I see Jack at work also. It has been wonderful.

I feel Jack in my heart so strongly...some times more then others. He knows his momma loves...and misses him.

When Jack was much younger, he used to walk around the house and sing "we'll work 'till Jesus comes". I always was amazed that such a little boy could sing this song, let alone know the words to it. Jackson was here working for the Lord.

I know that Jackson still is.

I hope that Jack's life and testimony gives you encouragement. It has been a truly awesome journey. I pray only that I can write it with perfect remembrance and accuracy as it is.

Many blessings to you all today :)

Monday, June 04, 2001 at 08:22 AM (CDT)

Good Morning ~

Isn't it just a beautiful day outside :) Oh how I miss hearing those sweet little words.

The weekend went well. We had a really nice day yesterday. Grandma Cindy came over and organized the flower arrangements so Mike could get his office back in order. She hung them all up to dry so that we can use them later to make a floral wreath or something. We went over to some good friends for a cook out later and had a really nice time...and then over to my brother Tom's to pick up Jacob. Jake had stayed there over night and had lots of fun. We all had a good visit there too....our niece Karissa was Jack's special little "friend". Karissa has made a precious little remembrance of Jackson on one of their shelves. She has pictures and some little toys of his on there too. Jack and Karissa shared the same birthday, Septemeber 16. I believe that they have a very close bond....always.

It seems like we have so many things to get caught up on around here...it's hard to know where to even begin.

I wish you all a blessed day....enjoy the sunshine !

Saturday, June 02, 2001 at 09:48 PM (CDT)

Good Evening to all ~

Today was really busy. I meant to update sooner. Jake had a birthday party to go to at his best friends. Jess went to her friends. Aaron stopped over to visit...and also Tom, Jordan and Karissa. It is Grandpa Tom's birthday today and we had hoped to have a get together....so it all worked out very well.

We had finally bought a trampoline for the children on their last day of school...after many requests from Jess and Jake. I think it was just about a years worth :) They have been having so much fun on there together. Baby Joe even likes it. I know that Jackson would love it too.

It seems like we put off things like that. We always felt like there would be more time. It is strange how people get so caught up in the "schedule" of the day. It is so easy to do.

We all should be more like children. Life goes by too fast to be too serious :)

Special prayers tonight for Conner....God bless you, little buddy... and keep you safe and healthy and strong !

Friday, June 01, 2001 at 02:53 PM (CDT)

Good Afternoon :)

Today was a fun day for the family. Jess is at her friends house for a "school's out" sleep over. Jake and Mike went golfing with my brother Tom and his 2 boys Carter and Jordan. They had a really nice time. Mike said that the boys did excellent...and kept right up with the flow of the game. Jake had received a set of clubs for his birthday...so his Dad has another reason to get out on the course. Baby Joe and I went to visit Grandma Bonnie this morning....and then off to see Jackson.

I had been quite ill this whole week. It sure feels good to be on the mend today. I had received a special card today with some recent photo's of Jackson....it really was wonderful to have those. We even have some photo's that came back from that Monday at the clinic....his last day he was there...his last day he was home. He looked so good that morning. It is amazing how quickly the infection set in and took over....and so sad to think about, although I would've hated to see him suffer in any way. The Lord was merciful, once again. Jack was always kept safe and comforted through the many days of battles.

I have had so many special things I have tried to share with people....starting 2-3 years ago. Jackson really has an awesome testimony. It becomes more real to me every day. I pray that everyone who knows Jack will come with that child like faith...and see how "real" the Lord is.

My heart misses him so.....but I have such joy in my heart...and perfect peace.

Wishing you all a wonderful weekend. God bless.

Thursday, May 31, 2001 at 06:55 AM (CDT)

Good Morning to everyone ~

It is an exciting time here today....last day of school ! That always puts a smile on the children's faces :)

Mike had a log home delivery down by Janesville yesterday. It went very well. He had a chance to visit with a mom of another little boy we knew that was the same age as Jackson, and who also passed on after recovery from transplant. He was so happy that it worked out for them both to meet for a few minutes.

I had also received a phone call yesterday from another local mom who lost a child to leukemia. It was good to talk to her. As much as every one tries to be helpful....no one understands, unless you have been there.

We were watching our movie again last night that we took of Jack. He just is so precious....it brings a comfort somehow to just hear his voice.

I wish you a wonderful day. I will write again soon. God bless.

Tuesday, May 29, 2001 at 04:54 PM (CDT)

Good Afternoon ~

I have been meaning to write all day...the time seems to go so fast. It has been a very emotional day here. We all are missing Jackson so much. It is hard to believe that is has been 2 weeks already without him.

We are just sad for ourselves....missing his little smile and all of his special ways. We are happy for him :) We look forward to the day of seeing him again. His spirit is here....and he is still working for the Lord....helping to bring that peace and comfort.

We met with Pastor Ed today. He and his wife are moving away this week. We are so blessed to have them in our lives...to have known them. We are truly thankfuk for the time he spent with us and Jackson...and that he could be here to deliver the message for Jack's service. Pastor Ed is awesome and we love him dearly. We will miss him and his wife SO much....and wish them all happiness. :)

This by far has been a very emotional day....but the sun is shining, and we thank the Lord for being so good to us. We couldn't be more blessed.

Thank you to all of you for your kindness and love.

Monday, May 28, 2001 at 07:35 AM (CDT)

Good Morning to everyone ~

I see that the sun is shining so bright this morning....how beautiful to see. Blue skies and sunshine....gentle breeze. It will be a wonderful day....a beautiful day.

Mike and I plan to bring baby Joe and go to the local Memorial services. I have 2 Grandpa's that served in WW2. Mike and I also have other friends and relatives that have served at some time. It is so heart warming for me to go to these services in honor of all of thos who have stood for our country. I have never been to the big service in town. We have the Veterans Memorial there, and it is quite awesome. We have the soldier that was missing in action from WW2, that was just brought home last week....so I am sure that there will be a lot of people there today.

We had a really nice visit with Mike's relatives over the weekend. Everyone has been so supportive to us through out Jackson's whole battle.

It has been so comforting to us to see the kindness of so many...family and friends. Jackson was thrilled anytime anyone came to visit us....at home or the hospital. He spent so much time isolated from groups...but he could have people come over, and he just was so happy when they did.

We thank you all for thinking of us here today. It has been a hard weekend...missing Jackson. We miss everything about him and would love to hold his little tiny self...but our hearts are filled with joy, for Jack. How awesome it must be.

Saturday, May 26, 2001 at 08:05 AM (CDT)

Good Morning ~

I was thinking last night that it had rained here pretty much every day since Jackson's passing. Mike and I went out to the cemetary last night, and the sun came out....shining so bright. It always is so beautiful to see that sun shining after the gloom and dark days.

We have been having a hard week here...as I knew it would be. Last week was so busy and any of us hardly slept. This week is quiet....too quiet for our house. With the dark and rainy days, it feels so sad here and the sleep is much needed.

We have had many calls this week and friends and family stopping by. It has been nice to have this support. I do see in their eyes the concern...perhaps we are not grieving the way they expect us to.

It is hard to explain that "peace that passeth all understanding".

The Lord gave us that from the day that Jackson was diagnosed. I did not cry or freak out on that day in the doctors office. God had shown us many months earlier that Jack would have "something" to do....some purpose for the Lord. It did not surprise me as much as even I would've thought.

There have been numerous days of pain and sorrow for Jack and our whole family....but the peace of God has filled our home and our hearts. I could not express the feeling...as we are not meant to understand these things....but it is real, and He is in control.

As we have traveled on through this journey...we have learned so much. We had known that God had a plan for Jack. We had known that Jack seen his Jesus and followed his light that he seen in our home...and lead us to see.

This journey has been nothing less then awesome. Jackson Ben was nothing less then awesome.

I miss our precious little boy....I miss him so very much....we all do.

I want you all to know though...there is no anger or bitterness. We held to God's promised Word. His Word never fails and He makes no mistakes. We Expected that Miracle...and were witness to many, many.

I always believed that Jack would not pass from the leukemia. To see him pass from something simpler, as a bacteria...something that he had battled 3 other times and seeing how the Lord took it away 3 other times, the minute a prayer request had went in concerning the issue.

Always against all odds...flying right through the battles. It must have been God's will to bring Jackson back home to Him this time...perhaps Jack's work was done here.

Jackson was such a brave and strong soldier. He was the most spiritual person I know. He brought such blessing to our lives...every moment.

It all was a miracle....every day.

Jackson Ben taught us here about God's perfect love....and His perfect ways.

My prayer is that we all never lose sight of that.

Friday, May 25, 2001 at 06:53 AM (CDT)

Good Morning to everyone ~

The sky is still clouded outside, but we are hoping for a morning of no rain. Jake really would like his track and field day to stay on schedule this time.

We are not quite sure of our weekend plans....perhaps starting the garden.

We are hoping that we can get away for a few days in the next couple of weeks. It would be good to go somewhere to just relax and think. There is so much to do on a daily basis here. I could use a quiet walk somewhere........

Jackson is in our hearts and thoughts every second of every day. There is nothing in my daily life that didn't totally revolve around his. He was just so awesome. It is hard to imagine life going on with out him.

I keep thinking though....of Jesus knocking on the door and saying I need Jack with me. Out of respect and love for the Lord, I would only say yes...and Thank you. Thank you for 3 1/2 wonderfully blessed years. Thank you for such a beautiful little boy to call my own.

The realization that none of our children are our own....God formed them in the womb. He makes the children and gives them as gifts to us.

God is so good. God is so real. This precious little boy named Jackson Ben....taught me how very real, He is.

Thursday, May 24, 2001 at 07:47 AM (CDT)

In Memory Of One Sweet Little Light......

Since all belongs to God
and He reminds us we're His own,
our children are not ours to keep--
they're only here on loan.

They are a brilliant spark
from God's eternal Light above --
sent here to families that God is sure
will shower them with love.

They come to give the world the gifts
that only they can bring...
sweet innocence, accepting faith
and hope in everything.

Yet now and then our hearts are torn
when such a special child
is only here to shine that light on earth
a little while.

Remembering their lives bring joy,
although our hearts still grieve,
there's so much love and comfort
in the memories they leave.

God's holding that sweet child right now
just as He's holding you.
He know's the awful pain you bear--
He lost His dear child, too.

We received so many beautiful cards from everyone....this one was one of my favorites. It had brilliant colors of orange and yellow...with a little blue and sparkling stars in the sky....all of Jackson's favorites. Auntie always picked out eactly what the momma would've picked.

We had a different kind of night last night. I think that we all spent the whole last week....not really eating or sleeping much. It has all kinda caught up with us all. These dark days outside make me feel like sleeping more. We all are doing good though....just missing the little man.

It is amazing how God gives us the strength and comfort to make it through these times. It is an awesome Love that He has for His children. He really is Wonderful.

I listened to all of Jack's favorite songs yesterday. I remember how everytime he sang "I'll fly away"...he would always look at us and add.."in the morning"...the little by-line in the song. So many things he said and did make me wonder how much he really knew. Jack passed over to be with Jesus at 5:07. The number 5 represents grace...and the number 7 is God's complete...it's all perfectly timed in His perfect plan.

God's Light shines so bright. If we watch for Him....He will show us where He is.

God appears to those who are looking for Him.

God bless you all.

Wednesday, May 23, 2001 at 07:34 AM (CDT)

Good Morning to everyone ~

Thank you for continuing to check in on us here. Thank you also for your kind words, your love and prayers....your encouragement has helped to get us through many hard days with Jackson, and now again....

Mike and I have been quite busy, taking care of things. So many details to get just perfect for our little boy. We tried to do everything just right for him in his little life, and now with all of the arrangements. I feel peace with everything....some tiny regrets perhaps, looking back....but not really. Mike and I really love Jackson and all of our children. The days go by so fast that sometimes we would've just liked one more minute or hour....but it all was so perfect.

There was nothing about spending time with Jackson that wasn't a blessing. He has such a sweet spirit. My heart aches most for those who didn't really know him....Jackson is awesome.

Baby Joe has been having a lot of sad moments. He looks around and cries....he wakes up at night and cries. Jackson and Joey were always together....playing, bathing, eating, sleeping. I have been putting in our movie of our family Easter trip for Joe to watch, and he sits there with a big smile on his face. :) He loves his brothers and sissy.

Jake and Jess are doing well. They are spending some quiet time together, and we all had kind of a relaxing peaceful night last night.

Jake's track and field was postponed until tomorrow. He has a lumberjack lunch for us to go to in the afternoon. Jess has been keeping focused on her studies and looking forward to summer. :)

We will be making a flower garden for Jackson. We received so many awesome outdoor plants and trees to put in there. It will be nice. Jackson loved flowers ! He really liked the watering part.

Mike and I were speaking on how Jack was so wise for his little tiny years. He seemed like he had been sent here with wisdom and words beyond even our's. We were thinking of how many things he really got to do. I remember the day he decided he needed to shave like his poppa. We got him a plastic green Scooby Doo shaver and shaving cream. He shaved his face like a pro....watching every little motion to get it all just right. For Christmas this last year, he wanted a laptop like my friend Andrea. How funny to see him drink cappuccino and work on his computer. He knew every word to every old time gospel song, and could carry the tune just right. In the last few months, he went fishing, rode a bike, baked cookies, drove his little 4-wheeler, and on his last day....he got to sit in his little log house....with a door, and a window and a telephone.

Jackson Ben Espeseth is a light in our hearts and home....that Light shines so bright.

Monday, May 21, 2001 at 03:12 PM (CDT)

His Journey Has Just Begun.......

Don't think of him as gone away-

his journey has just begun,

life holds so many facets-

this earth is only one.

Just think of him as resting

from the sorrows and the tears

in a place of warmth and comfort

where there are no days and years.

Think how he must be wishing

that we could know today

how nothing but our sadness

can really pass away.

And think of him as living

in the hearts of those he touched....

for nothing loved is ever lost-

and he was loved SO much.

I would love to be able to hold our precious little boy, and to hear his voice. He was so awesome to be around...especially when it was just him. He had an amazing way of filling the room with joy.

I felt Jackson's warmth and spirit all around me at the service and it hasn't let me. I thank the Lord for letting my little boy stay with me. My heart would be so sad with out him.

I have learned so much from this child...especially about the Lord. God has blessed us so wonderfully.....showing us that He is alive and that He is the same yesterday, today and forever. I know that these gifts are for you to hold to also.

The Pastor said at the service, that we need to humble ourselves and be like a child to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. My biggest sadness is knowing that not everyone will enter through those gates.

I had told Mike before the service.....if Jesus knocked on our door and told us that he needed Jackson to come with him, what would our answer be.

If you are a believer, then your whole life should be in focus to get where Jackson is. We teach our children about Jesus.....wanting them to be with the Lord someday.

To watch Jackson live every day for Jesus....to talk about Him, to sing and dance for Him. It has been so special.

My faith stands stronger today then ever before. God is the Healer. He has healed Jack so many, many times. I can only thank Him and Praise Him.

This child was His all along. I am so blessed to be called his momma.

Saturday, May 19, 2001 at 07:32 AM (CDT)

Good Morning to everyone ~

I know that Jackson would say....Isn't it a beautiful day out, momma ?

He had such a special way of speaking. He seemed so wise for his years....full of words that one would have to wonder...where did he learn all of these things.

It is so unusual to be here with out Jackson. I look around our home and I know that there wasn't one part of our day that didn't revolve around him. It would be so hard to even begin to express the joy that he brought to every moment of the day....even among an occasional tantrum. :) He was nothing less then perfect to us.

The last 2 days have went by so quickly. They also have been filled with a perfect peace that I know is only from the Lord.

When we went in on Tuesday evening to make arragements for Jackson, there was a huge dark cloud that rolled through town, and the rain started to come down in these huge droplets....and amidst it all there was a huge orange sunset shining through. I felt like all of the angels in heaven were crying along with us.

We had a wonderful celebration of life for our precious boy yesterday. Everything went so beautifully....and filled with perfect peace. There was a prescence that filled the church. I know that Jack was looking upon us, and I know that the Sweet, Sweet Annointing of the Lord was there to comfort us.

I don't know what happens when we cross over to the other side, but I seen the smile on Jackson's face on Tuesday morning and I know that what he seen and felt had to be Wonderful.

Jackson has taught our family so much about life....he had amazing strength...amazing faith....amazing joy.....and amazing love. Perfect Love.

My heart aches to hold his little tiny self. I keep thinking of all of his special sayings and ways.

How blessed I am to be his momma.

Special blessings to you all today....on this most special, of Special....Wonderful day. God bless you.

Wednesday, May 16, 2001 at 03:15 PM (CDT)

Our precious baby Jackson Ben has left our arms to go into the arms of Jesus.

He had a big smile on his face, and went very peacefully....sleeping in his daddy's arms.

He brought so much joy to our family. We love him ever so deeply and will miss his smile and precious ways. He is very special.

We will honor and celebrate the life of our little boy Jackson and give praise to the Lord for allowing us to be a part of this journey.

There will be a visitation on Thursday 5/17 from 4-8:00 p.m. in Clear Lake.

A service will be held to honor Jack's life on Friday morning at 11:00 at the Reeve church.

There will be a lunch following.

Thank you to all of you for your love and prayers. God bless you.

Monday, May 14, 2001 at 10:12 PM (CDT)

Good Evening to everyone ~

It has been a very busy day. Jack had his check-up this morning. The doctor said that Jack looked real good, but his platelets in his blood were at an all time low...4,000. They sent Jack right over to the hospital to receive a transfusion and then they came home. Jack was acting very strange from the minute they came home. He was very quiet and sleepy. He has had reactions sometimes to these doses of platelets. Jack layed on the floor the rest of the afternoon and slept. The times that he did wake up, he was in pain. He said that his stomach hurt. I took his temp. when I came home from the spring concert, and it was 100.7. Mike took it a half an hour later and it was already much higher. Needless to say, we called the doctor and he said that Jack needed to be admitted right away....so he is back in 5B at Fairview. Jack was so out of it when he left, he didn't even talk. I am sure that they will start antibiotics right away in case of an infection, and then do blood work to see what the cause of the fever is.

The hardest thing for me, besides seeing him in pain, is seeing him leave.

We try so hard here to keep the other children living as normally as possible. It is so hard for them. It is a big load to think about every minute of the day....especially when they have their feelings put to the side when these things occur with Jackson....as much as we try not to do so.

Jess had a concert tonight. It was absolutely wonderful. I loved it. She is very good at her parts, and I am so proud of her. She also received special recognition for her art award. I went to it, fully knowing about Jack...but things like this are so important for me. Tomorrow is Jacob's piano recital also. They have bothed been blessed woth some musical talent :)

I wanted to say thank you once again to those who have left us words of encouragement. It is truly uplifting for us to check on here daily and see that some one has cared enough about us to tell us so. It brings us great joy to have your support. Thank you for that !

May the Lord richly bless those of you who have been kind to us.

A special, special THANK YOU to Auntie :)

Some little boy was thrilled to see that little house with a door and a window and a telephone. You make his life filled with happy times. We are truly thankful for your giving heart and your love.

Sunday, May 13, 2001 at 05:52 PM (CDT)

Good Evening ~

I thought that I would add another update, as it was just a wonderful and blessed day.

I did make it to church this morning....a little late though. Aaron, Tom & his family were all there also. It was very good to see everyone there. The people at Immanuel will always be like family to us, and have always been so kind. We love them dearly. It was good to hear that they have all kept Jackson in their thoughts and prayers...that means so much to us. Pastor Loren had a good message on Love....as Jesus said to above all else, Love one another. I wish more people would take that to heart.

We had a cookout at our house today, and it was so good to have everyone together again. All of the little cousins playing together....they had a lot of fun. Grandma Cindy,Aaron, Tom & Heather, Jordan, Carter, Karissa, Trey, Grandma Bonnie and Grandpa Paul. a whole house full !! We missed seeing Wally, but he was feeling a little under the weather.

It was so good to have the family here. :)

I am so deeply thankful for being allowed to have these children to call my own. I hear people say all the time that I must be tired and weary...and many days I am. It has been a hard journey, but I'll not complain...there have been so many blessings along the way. Life is Wonderful when you let Him lead you. He is Life, you know....and He is filled with amazing love.

Jack likes to sing this song a lot...." I love Him, I love Him, because He first loved me...and purchased my salvation on Calvary's tree. "

I am so happy to be a momma. If I never do anything else in my Life but be a good momma and serve the Lord with all my heart...my life will be what it was meant to be.

I thank you for checking in on us here. If you feel to remember Jack in prayer, for his little body to be comforted. It is a hard time for him,and there are many symptoms coming now. I ask you not to worry though, as hard as it is at times...We stand firmly on what the Lord has revealed to our hearts....Expect that Miracle...Only Believe...All things are possible to them that Believe.

Sunday, May 13, 2001 at 07:17 AM (CDT)

Good Sunday Morning once again....and a special wish for a Happy Mother's Day !!

We are all doing well here....just trying to get the house in order for company. The office is coming along quite nicely. We stayed up a little later last night just trying to get somewhat organized. Jackson stayed up right along with us, so I am sure he will be tired this morning.

Both of the wee ones are still sleeping. Jackson had a very restless night. He tossed and turned and made lots of noises. He seems to be having a lot of discomfort. We will see what the doctor says tomorrow about what we can do to help him. Usually if we ask him if he is feeling sick, he says no. The last few days he says yes he is. Please pray for him to be comforted.

Jess stayed last night with her Grandma and Grandpa... and Jake stayed at Uncle Tom and Auntie Heather's. I am sure that they both had fun as they always do there.

I was reminded yesterday of this verse.....Proverbs 31 speaking on a good wife and mother.

25. Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in the time to come. 26. She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness. 27. She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness. 28. Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. 29. Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou have excellest them all. 30. Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised. 31. Give her the fruit of her hands, and let her own works praise her in the gates.

Special blessings today to all of you.

Saturday, May 12, 2001 at 01:40 PM (CDT)

Good Afternoon to all ~

We just returned from a trip to get office supplies for our business office. We took the wee ones with, and they were very good.

Jack is feeling pretty good today. He is getting a little more irritable though. I am amazed at how active he is. His energy level is still good. It is his pain level that seems to be getting worse. He doesn't complain much at all, but we notice a difference in the way he walks. He pushes himself too much....hates to rest. He also doesn't like to see people worried. He is such a brave little man. He was singing on the way home...This little light of mine, I'm going to let it shine :) I pray that he always keeps shining...letting that Light fill his heart.

Joseph is feeling much better. He is such a happy baby....most of the time.

Jess is at a bear field trial today with Grandma Bonnie and Grandpa Paul. She enjoys doing that with them.

Jacob is with Grandma Cindy, Jordan and Carter. The 3 boys stayed at Grandma's last night, and are helping her and Wally do yard work today.

It is a very nice day outside. We have so much to do, it is hard to know where to start.

Tomorrow we will have a family cookout at our house. It will be fun to see everyone.

Enjoy the sunshine :)

Friday, May 11, 2001 at 09:07 AM (CDT)

Good Morning to everyone ~

Jackson is sitting here with me, and he wants to do today's message. So here we go......

"I want to say something nice, or don't say nothing at all." :)

"I want a playhouse with a mailbox, with a window, with a kitchen."

"I want a puppy with a dog house with a door and a mailbox."

"I want a puppy that with a nose and legs and a tail." :)

"I want to do homework and ride on the schoolbus."

"I want to get the lawn mower and get the grass down in the ground."

"I like to eat spaghetti, ice cream, pickles, cheeseburgers, and cake with a candle on top."

"I like to play with my cars and my golfer things."

"My friends are Auntie Donna, Trey, Karissa, Carter, Jordan, Laura, sissy, bubba, & Joey."

Jack is done talking to me about these things now, and has went in his bed room to play....with the door shut. :)

We had thought about going to the Woodbury garage sales today, but after looking around the house decided to clean instead !

Mike has started on the painting of his new office downstairs. We are excited to be getting that ready and to be moving forward in that part of the business. He needed a more private area for his meetings. My office includes a crib and a play area....not quite what he needed in his.

The visit to the clinic yesterday was a quick one. Jack's counts were pretty good. He will go in Monday morning for his check-up.

Jack is having a lot of aches and pains this week.

We seen on the local news last night that this pill was just approved for leukemia treatment, so it will no longer be experimental I assume. They said that the biggest downfall would be the cost....around $22,000.00 per year. Yikes!

I am glad for these breakthroughs though. I am sure that it will help many other children.

Well.....off to work. Enjoy the day !

Thursday, May 10, 2001 at 08:25 AM (CDT)

Good Morning ~

I have been spending some time these past few days, reading up on some other children's web pages. It is a very emotional time in doing so...although some pages are so inspirational and spiritually uplifting, it is an awesome experience to see the faith out there.

I have just heard of another little boy that has passed away....and my heart aches for the family. They had also went through this whole process with the bone marrow transplant the same time as us. It is such an ordeal to go through, and in many cases it is the only medical hope for survival.

I have learned that nothing will ever be the same.

Jackson talked a lot last night about his Angel that comes to him with wings. He spoke how Jesus protects him and takes care of him.

I believe this with all my heart. I know there have been many times where Jack has been in serious trouble, and with one prayer request we have seen it all turn around before our eyes. We are so thankful for the Lord's mercy and grace.

I have an angel testimony of another little boy also. We received this from some parents when Jack was first sent to Children's for chemo last year. It is awesome to read. If any one would like a copy, just drop an email and I will get one to you.

Jackson and Mike have left for his clinic appointment. They are just doing labs today...no doctor visit.

We have really been enjoying watching Jack play. He has really become fond of his sand pit. We don't really have a box :) Just a huge pile....but it works just fine for him.

He was feeling a little tired yesterday. He had more symptoms then usual. I layed with him last night and talked for a long time and we prayed for his body aches. He was having pains and a bloody nose...all of the expected signs. We don't see them hardly ever, but yesterday was a down day. Jack doesn't like to talk about it much...he just wants to play and have fun.

He really is a sweet little boy. I have been spending a lot of time video taping him and the other children....my brother and sister in law let us borrow their camera. It has been a huge blessing for us.

I thank you all for taking the time to log on. I wish you a wonderful day.

Thursday, May 10, 2001 at 08:25 AM (CDT)

Wednesday, May 09, 2001 at 08:48 AM (CDT)

Good Morning ~

It has been a busy week already. I haven't had any free time to update.

Jack is doing good. He had his clinic appointment Monday morning and then spent some time over in the hospital getting his blood and platelets. His platelets were at an unbelievably low amount...around 9,000. The strange thing of that being that he had only 2 little bruises on his knee and a little bump on his head. Last year on treatment, his platelets would get down to 50,000 and he could hardly stand up. I think they didn't get home until 3:30 or so, so it was a long day for them.

Last night, Jack and Jacob were able to go with Grandma Cindy and the cousins...Jordan, Carter, Karissa & Trey to go out for supper and then go visit Grandma Cindy's Aunt Ann and Uncle Al at White Ash lake, and Goldean & Al from Colorado were there to visit. And also went to see Grandma's friend Judy and her mother Marge....everyone was so surprised to see them. :) They had a really fun night.

Jess had a track meet in Webster last night. Grandma Bonnie was able to go watch her.

Jack, Joe and I went to bring Jess to school this morning. We stopped at the grocery store to get Joe some cold medicine....he has caught yet another cold over the weekend. When we walked out of the store, Jack said " Isn't it just a beautiful day mother ?"....makes me smile just to see him so happy. He can always bring that bit of sunshine to life.

I hope that everyone has time today to stop and see the beauty all around....enjoy the day.

Monday, May 07, 2001 at 07:07 AM (CDT)

Good Morning to everyone ~

Jackson just left for the clinic. Mike and Grandma Bonnie went today. They will just be checking his blood counts, and they also have him scheduled at the hospital to receive red blood and platelets after his check-up....depending on his counts today. This chemo pill is really effecting his platelets. They used to run around 200,000-300,000 and have lately been below 30,000 which is not good. It causes him to be very unbalanced and bruise easily. If he were to get cut or have a nosebleed, it would be harder to stop, as platelets do this for us.

I read up a little more this weekend on the Philadelphia Chromosome. I had done this before, but never let myself get too "informed" as I knew I couldn't change the fact that Jack had this leukemia abnormality. The doctor had told us from the beginning that this was not good. This is the most agressive type of leukemia.

This abnormality is something that happens only within the leukemia cells it self. The Philadelphia is an abnormal chromosome produced when part of the chromosomes 9 and 22 get exchanged or translocated. This translocation creates a specific leukemia gene which makes these cells resistant to treatment.

The material that I read stated that a bone marrow transplant is the only hope for survival at the present time. This is what our doctor had also said.

So after doing this bone marrow transplant and relapsing so quickly, that is why Jack is on this experimental drug STI571.

It was given to us as hopes of having some effect on Jack's leukemia cells. The doctor was very specific on telling us that this would not be a "cure" for Jack, just prolong his life. It is still in the experimental stage.

We have enrolled Jack in quite a few different clinical studies along the way. They more they can use him to bring hope and advancement in the treatment of this horrible cancer, the more that we know that Jack has done something to help other children. We pray that the medical breakthrough comes soon for this.

My words could never express the heartache from seeing the hundreds of children that we have seen that are suffering from some type of childhood cancer. Seeing Jack doing so well, even at this point in his journey, puts me in my place of thankfulness and gratitude on a minute to minute basis. There is no time for self pity.

I had thought that I was clear on all of these facts all along. I had heard over the weekend that some had misunderstood me.

The doctors have been very direct from the beginning. This type of leukemia that Jack has is very bad, and has little hope.

They do not have high expectations with this experimental pill either. It was given to us to prolong Jack's life, not expecting to "cure" him.

I know very well the facts of Jack's diagnosis. The doctors have been wonderful to us, and I know that they have done their best. The facts are the facts.

But the Truth....is the Truth. If you want to be healed, you have to make that stand and believe it. With all of your heart....believe.

Jack is too little to have his faith tested, and so we as parents have to stand for him. Jack's faith is simple and pure. We tell him that Jesus makes his blood better, and he says Yes, thank you Jesus. I hear him laying in bed saying Praise the Lord, Hallelujah. If we all could be so sweet and have such childlike faith.

I have put Jack's life in the Lord's hands a long time ago. His will, will be done. Is it His will to heal ? I believe it. Does disease come from God ? I don't think so, although I know that He permits it for different reasons. I believe with all my heart that Jack is going to be alright. The world may call us crazy :) but we are believing.

Holding to that Promised Word. Expecting that Miracle....as it was spoken.

Sunday, May 06, 2001 at 07:52 AM (CDT)

Good Sunday Morning <><

I hope that every on is having a wonderful weekend. Our's has been very enjoyable, and quite busy.

Yesterday we had a full day of visitors. It was so nice to see everyone. Jack had a great time. Auntie Marsha stopped by with Paige and Trinity to play. Trinity and Joe are 5 days apart, so even Joe had some fun. Auntie Donna and Ryan came over. Jack had a wonderful time playing motorcycle with Donna. He was so happy. Grandma Cindy stopped in for a few minutes which Jack always loves, and then Auntie Mae came over later and read Jackson his new Curious George books. He liked that a lot. What a busy day !

Mike & Jacob had an excellent time fishing ! They were very blessed with their catch too. They won the contest for the 3rd year in a row. Jake was excited about that :) Today Mike & Jess are out fishing again, so we are looking forward to that fish supper tonight.

Tomorrow morning is clinic and we are scheduled for platelets and red blood transfusion at the hospital also. That usually goes fairly quickly.

I thank you for you love and prayers, your thoughts for us here, for your cards and words of encouragement. Some days are tiresome, and it surely helps to know that someone cares.

As always, we pray for those who have been so kind to us, that God will bless you in the most special way. Enjoy the day.

Saturday, May 05, 2001 at 06:49 AM (CDT)

Good Morning ~

So happy it's Saturday :) A big day of excitement for the fishermen in our house. Jake has won the opener contest the last 2 years on the lake where Mike goes. It is always a special day for them.

Jess said they took 2nd at the track meet in Shell Lake last night. She was happy about that. She has been liking track a lot, but not too fond of all of the running involved at practice. :)

Jack is still sleeping. I am sure you all thought when I said he slept in yesterday that I meant he was sleeping late. Slept in at out house is about 7:30....especially for Jack. He is usually the last child to go to bed at night, and certainly not the last one to get up in the morning. I think he hears Joe most of the time and has to get up to make sure he is not into his "stuff".

Baby Joe is 10 months already today. That time has really flown by. He has just gotten his 4th tooth and thinks he is going to walk. Joseph and Jackson have just started to bicker a little over toys, but they always have to hold each other too....they are cuddle bugs.

Jack is feeling very good. We took his bandages off last night from his procedures on Tuesday. He just hates for me to do that. He still has so much hair on his body from the CSA medicine after his transplant, and all of these bandaids and 3M sticky patches are very painful to take off.

He is having no other symptoms though, and we are so thankful. Grandma Faye said that this was a miracle in itself. Yes it is. We have had so many to be thankful for. He is running around like all other children.

He told me yesterday that he is going on the school bus next year, and that he needs to bring an apple to eat there like Arthur. :) He has a list of so many things he plans to do and lots of stuff he needs to get.

Jack spent the evening watering some new plants that we planted in the yard, and then blew some bubbles out on the deck. He was laughing and laughing chasing the bubbles. I taped him for while...he was so precious to watch. His sandbox has become his new favorite spot to be, so he played there quite a bit yesterday.

I look back at this last year and a half, and I feel like we haven't even had time with him. As odd as that seems, fully remembering that we haven't been able to leave the house, or Jack. It all has seemed so scheduled with medicine and appointments. When this started, he was a baby to me...and now he wants to go to preschool. This time has went too fast. Life goes too fast.

Jackson's life and testimony has taught us many things...mostly about love and faith....but also about courage, strength, family values and priorities.....a lot about holding on to what you know to be true.

It can be hard to make that stand in this world, but I hold to the Lord with all my heart. I have seen the power of prayer and I have felt His prescence watching over Jack and keeping him safe. It is very real....and so comforting. That is where that perfect peace has come from.

I pray that Jack's life has touched your's in a special way.

Friday, May 04, 2001 at 06:34 AM (CDT)

Good Morning ~

I see that the sun is shining :) An excellent way to start the day.

Jackson is still sleeping. Yesterday was a long day for him. Jack is a nonstop kind of boy. He runs full speed all day. It is amazing to see how much energy he has....more then the rest of us I'm sure.

We all went up to his check-up yesterday. Jack was so calm and cooperative. It went very well. He was very brave.

His blood counts were fairly good. They scheduled him for more platelets on Monday morning, and possibly red blood also.

The experimental chemo pill has not helped his leukemia in his bone marrow at all, but it is making his counts drop....good and bad.

Mike & I had our meeting with the doctor before Jackson's check- up. He told us that the bone marrow biopsy has shown that the STI571 pill has not effected the amount of leukemia cells in his bone marrow at all. The results are the same as they were one month ago.

They will allow him to go another 28 days on this pill, and then do another bone marrow test.

He also confirmed what our last doctor told us, that Jack's case is one that holds no hope to be "cured". Jack has a very aggressive type of leukemia. They had told us that this pill will not cure him, just prolong life. I am sure that it must be helping some how in keeping things under control though.

And so, they gave us the pill for another 28 days and then said that we can discuss other options, such as home health care or hospice and pain alleviation drugs.

To see Jackson running around full speed all day long, it is hard to see what they are talking about. He is a little pale at times, and a little cranky at times too. He has no pain though, and the hardest part of his day is taking that oral pill....he fights it all the way. You really couldn't tell that he was sick if you didn't know it. He has none of the symptoms that he did before. I believe that God has comforted him and taken these away.

The fact is that Jack has around 95% of his bone marrow filled with leukemia cells according to the tests results.

The truth is that we seen what happened with Jack when we brought him in for prayer and we firmly believe that all is well with the boy and that he is going to be alright.

We have made our stand with the doctors, fully knowing that God works through medicine to alleviate pain and prolong life, but there is only One Healer.

Thursday, May 03, 2001 at 06:30 AM (CDT)

Good Morning to everyone ~

It looks so pretty and peaceful outside...another beautiful day.

We are getting ready for Jack's check-up this morning. We will have a meeting with the doctor on what we plan to do with Jack after this next cycle of 28 days on the experimental study. We will also discuss Tuesdays test results.

I had written months ago when I started this page, that you can go through life seeing no miracles anywhere or you can go through life seeing that everything IS a miracle....everywhere. Starting with the growth of a seed in the spring, the flowers knowing when to bloom, the creation of a baby, the healing of our bodies....it is endless.

I have focused from the beginning of Jack's journey....the day of diagnosis...knowing that this has all been in the Lord's Hands, and all we can do is trust in Him.

We have went forward....believing for Jackson. We have went forward claiming his healing, as we trust that it will be.

We have went forward....Expecting that Miracle. Trusting that total healing will come, not because we are anything but because it is His promised Word and His Word never fails.

We have seen in Jack's life that every day is a miracle. Every obstacle has been surpassed. Every danger, he has been kept safe. Every time the doctor gives the statistic, Jack has proven other wise.

I could list endless testimonies just on our daily occurences at home and in the hospital.

I also have seen many powerful signs along the way, fully knowing that God is always in control.

I have been witness to that Light that watches over Jack.

I hear Jack always singing songs of praise.

I know that Jack is going to be alright. I believe it.

We all have a purpose here and we all have work to do. Jackson is at his post of duty. He has been very brave and a true soldier.

When people wonder where this peace comes from....it is the peace that passeth all understanding. I couldn't explain it, but I am so thankful for it.

It is never us, but always Him.

I wish you all a blessed day.

Special birthday wishes to Auntie Marsha today....enjoy the day :)

Wednesday, May 02, 2001 at 07:25 AM (CDT)

Good Morning to everyone~

Thank you for checking on us here. I have come to realize that many check on that I don't know, but I thank you for doing so. I share this daily journal as a way to update to those who care about our son Jackson, and I am thankful for those of you who do truly care about him. It is encouraging to have support in our community and all around the country. It is a blessing to us to see how one little life can touch so many. Jackson is a little sweet heart, a brave soldier, a light in our lives. We are so thankful for being so blessed to be his parents along with our other 3 beautiful children. The Lord is so good....it is very humbling. I am saving all of these guestbook entries for a special purpose, and I thank those who leave there words of encouragement.

Jack's procedures went very well yesterday. They were back home shortly after noon. Jackson isn't as sore as he has been before, so that is good. He was walking around and playing a little. He is very swollen from all of the fluids in his IV though. That usually doesn't happen, and he looks so puffy around his eyes.

The doctor did call yesterday and said that the preliminary results showed no change from the test that they did a month ago. They want to put him on another 28 day cycle of the STI571.

As much as I expected to hear otherwise on the tests, I have fully learned that I have to trust in God's perfect time.

He has shown me that Jack is going to be alright....all I have to do is keep my eye on Him...looking to the end, not at the daily obstacles.

Jack is looking good, and feeling good and we are just thankful for every day.

I wish you all a wonderful day....enjoy.

Tuesday, May 01, 2001 at 05:01 AM (CDT)

Good Morning to all ~

Thank you for taking the time to check in on us here. It's on early mornings like this that you wonder if you ever went to sleep :)

Jack had to leave for his hospital appointment about 20 minutes ago. He is scheduled for his bone marrow test @ 8:15. Mike, Grandma Bonnie and Grandma Cindy are all going to be there too.

I had spent 8 months straight of being the one to be with Jack in the hospital when he needed to go. This is probably the hardest part for me is staying home. I wish I could be all places at all times. I see having more then one child can raise this issue of where to be, and this is where I need to be today. I have learned to trust that he will be fine with his poppa....Mike has did an outstanding job taking care of Jack since the transplant. It has been SO stressful at times. We have learned a lot about patience, and love and faith.

They will be home in the early afternoon. Jack is usually quite sore from this and has a hard time walking. He has had so many done. I feel so bad for him.
It is very sad to see.

Mike & I are scheduled to go back up on Thursday morning to discuss the results from today's test, and how they plan to proceed. They called us yesterday and said that they can do another 28 cycle of the experimental drug. We will know more after the meeting.

I have learned that one day at a time is all any of us can do. We do not know what today might bring.

We just keep moving forward....keeping our eyes on Him and trusting for the Victory day.

I wish you all a wonderful day.

Monday, April 30, 2001 at 08:08 AM (CDT)

Good Morning to everyone ~

Thank you for continuing to check in on Jackson. He is doing very well. He had a very busy weekend at home....mostly playing out in his sand pile with his trucks. We were a little sad last night as Jack begged to go home with Grandma Bonnie. When I said that he could, he was all smiles and said see ya later mom ! It is amazing to see how at a certain point in their little lives that they can totally walk from the momma and be secure to be gone for the whole night. I heard that Jack slept perfectly well...which is more then Mike & I did. :)

Today will be the 17th day since Jack walked through the line on Good Friday morning. I will share that the number 17 has been very significant for us through out these last few years. To me, it is a day of perfect peace....knowing that Jack's healing will be complete very soon.

I have had quite a few people that wanted us to bring Jack to their churches for prayer or for annointing with oil. I am so thankful for all of these offers and prayers for Jack....they mean more then you could know, and we appreciate that there are genuine concerns and love for him. If God would've shown me to go to any of these other churches, I would've been right there. I brought him to where I was lead to go....in a very powerful way.

I have seen many wonderful things happen through this ministry where we go and brought Jack to for prayer. I have seen 2 other cancer healings in my own family through these prayers also. One was liver cancer and one was a large tumor around the heart. Both were healed.

I too had a health issue that was healed.

I believe with all my heart that God is the only Healer. It can be done at any time and anywhere...if we only believe. We pray that His perfect will be done in our lives, and that all glory go to Him.

I hold to Jack's healing and firmly make this stand. I don't know when this will be, but I know that it will.

Please remember Jack tomorrow morning. He is scheduled for his bone marrow biopsy at 8:15.

Our prayer has been and will continue to be, for God to richly bless all who have kept Jack and our family in prayer....for those of you who have stood by us, and for all those who have shown kindness to us.

For He truly knows all and sees all. Nothing goes unnoticed.

"And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you ,Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me."
Matthew 25;40

Expect that Miracle.....as it was spoken.

Sunday, April 29, 2001 at 07:22 AM (CDT)

Good Sunday Morning ~

All is well here, and I trust for you also. Mike and the kids had a nice time up at the "red cabin"...and me and the wee ones had fun just being kids and playing....we did go for a little drive...it was very nice out, besides that gusty wind...too windy to play.

Baby Joe's cough totally disappeared after I applied some oil that I have to his neck area....it was awesome to see that work so quick. I tried some on Jackson too, although he doesn't allow me to put so much on...his cough is a lot better though. These products I have ordered from Neways have really been a blessing to us and have worked wonderfully.

I was sharing a little of Jack's testimony last night with a friend, and I thought I would share this part on here also today. When I think about where to begin, I always start at his birth. The perfect example of how God loves and protects His children, and even when it seems too late for deliverance His timing is always perfect.

I remember the day that I found out that Mike & I were expecting. We were very excited. We had just moved into our log home, and had really come to appreciate the value of family....after some hard times together. It was a wonderful blessing.

I had felt in my heart all through the pregnancy that I would be having a boy. The Lord had very much impressed on my heart that I should name the baby Joseph. I will tell you all right now that I share this very humbly....I had prayed one night and had promised the Lord that I would name the baby just that. As the pregnancy went on and we prepared for delivery my thoughts of baby names had been swayed here and there as I didn't follow my heart and hold to my promise. I have learned in a very real way that you do not make a promise to God and then not stand to it.

When I was in labor with Jackson, we started to have major complications. I had placenta abruptia...in which the baby and I were both in danger. It all happened very fast. I remember praying throughout the whole cesearean preperation, and wondering why this was happening and where was the Lord when I was in need. I remember repeating the verse that He will never leave me or forsake me. I knew His word never fails....even when mine had. When Jack was born, we had learned that the cord was wrapped around his neck 3 times tightly. If the complications would not have arose, then what would've happened to Jack.

The day that Jackson was diagnosed with leukemia, I also learned that I was pregnant. It seemed odd to me at first because of the timing.

I knew in my heart that this baby....was a gift, as all children are. But this baby, I know was sent to me because of God's grace and mercy and unending love. I had turmoiled many days for not holding to my promise. God sent me another perfect little boy because He is SO good to us all and He knew the sorrow I had held in my heart.

People kept telling me that maybe I was going to have a girl...2 girls, 2 boys...a perfect family. I knew in my heart that I would have my baby Joe....Joseph....and in him we have found perfection for our family.

I have learned that every Word written in the Bible can not fail, for it is God's word. All things work for the good of those who love Him and for those who are called according to His purpose. I believe that with all my heart.

It is at the darkest times in our lives when that Light shines through the strongest and the brightest.

It is at that darkest hour when Jesus comes along.

As we prepare here for the week ahead...we know that it is looking dark for Jack in his medical treatment. They didn't even call to tell us what his count of leukemia cells were for Friday. It has been a month since his relapse. I know that it may be hard for some to see this healing is sight. But it will be. The Lord has shown me this, and by faith I stand firmly. It will be.

Please keep in prayer for Jack that the Lord will continue to comfort him. He has so few symptoms that you all would be amazed. The Lord is so good.

Expect that Miracle....as it was spoken.

Saturday, April 28, 2001 at 06:20 AM (CDT)

Good Morning ~

I thought I would get on here while it is still quiet. Mike, Jess & Jake just left to go to the cabin for the morning. Joe is playing quietly, and Jackson is still sleeping. He had a long day yesterday. Mike said the nurse gave him his benedryl before his platelet transfusion and that Jack slept almost 3 hours yesterday....so needless to say, he stayed up until around 11:00. Some nights he tosses and turns so much that I am sure his discomfort is bothering him.

Jack & I did get to spend a few hours alone together yesterday while we ran errands. That was much needed. Things are always so busy I it really bothers me when I don't get enough quality time with each of the children. Anyway, we had some fun and sang some songs along the way. He was able to play for a few minutes with my friend's little boy, and then off to cousin Conner's house for a few minutes and finally to the grocery store for a few items that he was determined we needed to stop for. And then finally bath time.... He was also excited to take his bath with Joey last night. Jack's port has been accessed all week, so he hasn't been able to get that wet until yesterday after they took it out. The boys just love their bath. :)

His fever never came back after his trip to Cumberland. These fever spikes are a common symptom with the leukemia. He does still have a cough. He had to bring his mask with yesterday, and he wasn't to happy about that.

The doctor said if the cough is not better by Monday at the check-up, that we might have to postpone the bone marrow biopsy that is scheduled for Tuesday.

We are believing and making that stand for Jack's healing and Praise the Lord for it.

I wish you all a wonderful day and thank you for checking in on Jack....and for all of your thoughts and prayers.

Friday, April 27, 2001 at 01:32 PM (CDT)

Good Afternoon....

I seem to be a little off schedule on my updates. Jackson just came home from his clinic appointment at Fairview. He also had his platelet transfusion, so he should be feeling better. We haven't rec'vd all of the blood counts back yet, as they were running behind in the lab.

Jack did have to go to the Cumberland ER last night shortly after supper. He spiked another temp. of 102'7. He had been outside playing for so long that I hadn't even had a chance to feel his forehead. He was running around like he felt fine. I was thankful that we caught it when we did. Our regular doctor there happened to be on call, so that was good as he is familiar with Jack. He then called in the results to Fairview. Mike was back home with Jack a little before 11:00 pm. and then back on the road to Mpls. this morning around 7:30. Busy schedule.

It is so nice outside again. Jake had a field trip today, so I am sure he is having a good time. I think Mike & I will take the boys for a walk or something.

Thank you for checking in on us today....I wish you a wonderful weekend !

Thursday, April 26, 2001 at 05:11 PM (CDT)

Good Evening to everyone....

It sure has been a nice day today. We have spent most of it outside playing. It is a little windy though, so we have kept out the winter hats for the little boys. Mike & Jake are outside working. Jess is at a track meet. Joe is in here with me. Joe is feeling a little better, but Jackson has caught his cold.

Jackson is outside playing with his little cousin Trey and Grandma Cindy. They are having a lot of fun. :)

Jack goes in to the clinic tomorrow morning and also to the hospital for a short stay to receive a platelet transfusion. I will update after the appointment with any further news.

Many blessings to you all.

Wednesday, April 25, 2001 at 08:56 PM (CDT)

Good Evening to all .

It has been on my heart tonight to write a brief update on Jackson. He seems to be very energetic and doing well. The doctor did call us this afternoon with the complete results from this mornings blood work. All of his counts are holding fairly normal except for his platelets which are very low. This makes him a little wobbly and also makes his body bruise easily. Platelets help to clot your blood and control bleeding also. The doctor also stated that his peripheral blood throughout Jack's body is showing that the amount of leukemic cells have went up quite a bit since Monday. They were over double the amount.

I have learned that what the doctor tells us is facts...but what the Lord has shown me is Truth.

I have felt on my heart tonight that it is time to share Jack's testimony. I realize that many people read on this site daily....many that I do not even know as they don't sign in, and many that must wonder why this whole life and testimony revolve around the Lord.

It occured to me a few years back, that almost everyone that I know claims to be a Christian, but so very few would ever mention His Name. It becomes hard for people I guess. I can understand that to a point, as we have been more talked about for giving our lives to the Lord then for anything we ever did before...and that is when I was really confused :)

We had heard last year that when your child is diagnosed with a life threatening disease, that the parents either become closer to each other and turn to God, or they fall apart. When your child's life is on the line on a daily basis, you spend a lot of time in prayer. When the doctor tells you that the outlook is bleek, your full attention is turned to The Great Physician... The Healer and Giver of Life. Nothing is impossible with God, and so to Him we have turned.

I would like to share our testimony with you in part, and trust that you will know it comes with all sincerity. I had made a Promise to the Lord that when Jack's healing came, I would share his testimony with all that I could.

God has given me an opportunity through this web page, and I will not break my promise.

I will only be able to add parts here and there for reasons of time and space, but I trust that it will encourage you somehow.

Please know that these happenings are not because we are anything, but because He is Everything.

Wednesday, April 25, 2001 at 07:22 AM (CDT)

Good Morning to all ....

I hope that Jack's new pictures showed up on the photo album. Sometimes they are so hard to get on there. My server is so slow at times, and I can't even view them on there as of this morning.

The first picture is at the hotel pool. We were a little surprised at how much fun Jack had. For those of you who remember, Jack hated to be in the water when he was little. He screamed during his bath, he never would go in the pool. Something about the sensation of water made him just extremely uncomfortable. Little did I know that his body was filled with leukemic cells. It is such a blessing to see him now....LOVING the water. All of the children are like little fish. They can't get enough of the pool. Jake and Jackson had a great time.

Jess didn't get much swimming in, as she was too busy with the "teen activities" while we were there. :)

The second picture is with Ms. Essie. She and Jack are very much the same and they both can really light up the room. She is a precious little sweetheart and Jack loves to see her. They had a lot of fun playing and being "friends".

The last picture is in "Auntie Donna's Van". Mike's aunt and uncle let us borrow their van for the vacation. It was such a blessing ! The kids loved it. It had a TV & VCR, which was very helpful :) We are so thankful for their continous kindness and love. Jack always sings...Going down the highway....a little tune he learned on the movie of Runaway Ralph, the mouse with the motorcycle. Jack was pretty relaxed as we left to go back home.

Mike and Jack just left for the clinic. Today is just blood counts...no doctor visit until Friday.

Next Tuesday is the bone marrow test. Jack will be in the hospital all morning.

We keep Expecting that Miracle. Knowing it will come to pass...in His perfect time, it will come to pass. I believe it.

All things are possible to them that believe. Only believe.

I wish you all a Wonderful day....enjoy !

Tuesday, April 24, 2001 at 07:23 AM (CDT)

Good Morning :)

It looks like a beautiful day....the sun is shining !

Jack is watching Arthur and Jess and Jake are just leaving for school. Jess has her first track meet tonight, so we are excited for her. Jake has numerous activities going on lately...he is very involved right now with reports, band and piano, and field trips. Baby Joe is having a very hard time. His croup has returned it seems. He had caught a runny nose a few days ago and is sick again.

Thankfully so, Jack's ANC is up a little bit. He had a very low one over the weekend which makes him vulnerable to any little bug in the air. We will just trust that he will stay healthy and strong.

I thank you all for your support and prayers. We have been very blessed through all of this to have such wonderful family and friends. I read another child's page last night and the mother was writing how lonely it can be....how so many people avoid you for lack of understanding or words. I surely appreciate those of you who have always been there for us. God bless you all.

I will try to add new pictures from our trip later this evening.

Enjoy the day !

Monday, April 23, 2001 at 02:43 PM (CDT)

Good Afternoon ~

Jack's appointment went very well today....he chose to be cooperative. :) The doctors always appreciate when he is in that type of mood.

The doctor said that he is pleased with Jack's progress, so that is good to hear. It seems as though all of our doctors that we have had have been in discussion about Jackson. He seems to go against the norm, statistically speaking....that's all the Lord making that possible.

I am holding to the Promised Word. I plan to share Jack's testimony with you all someday soon.

Thank you for your interest in our lives....for your love and prayers for Jack and for us all.

Wishing you many blessings....enjoy the day !

Sunday, April 22, 2001 at 12:46 PM (CDT)

Good Afternoon ~

We are having a very quiet day here...just me and the boys. Jacob just came home from his friends house. Mike & Jess were up at the cabin today, and are on their way home also.

Jackson is feeling pretty good. He seems different these last couple of days. I am not quite sure what is going on, but I know that he will be alright....I'm believing. I'm believing he will be alright.

I am holding ever so tightly to what I know in my heart. It has been an awesome testimony all along, and I fully Expect that Miracle. I accept that healing for Jackson. I believe that God's healing Hand has already touched him somehow.

If you feel to remember Jack in prayer, it would mean more then you could know. Thank you for remembering us also...

Enjoy the afternoon.

Saturday, April 21, 2001 at 07:13 PM (CDT)

Good Evening everyone~

Today was a very busy day and also a very fun one.

Jake is at his friend Tyler's for the weekend.

Jess went with her 4H this morning to pick up trash off of Hwy 63.

Mike did some cleaning outside. We also cleaned a little inside.

Jackson and Joseph mostly played all day.

Grandma Cindy came over at 2:30 followed by "Tillie" aka Joe H. Tillie is the big, tall turtle from Grandma's work. They came over with a sign that said "Happy Saturday Jackson" and also a gift for him.

We called up the Arcand's next door to come over to see the turtle too and then we had a Happy Saturday Party with cake and ice cream. It was very short but sweet.

We were hoping to have over some of the cousins too, but almost everyone we know has some kind of bad cold. Jack's counts are way too low this week. We hope that everyone is feeling better soon :)

I apologize for not finding enough time to return all of my phone calls and emails. It is a very hectic time and to be honest...I feel very tired. I know that with 4 children, my life will be busy...but these last few weeks have been draining.

I want to express though that I know in my heart that Jack is going to be alright. I am sure that it might be hard for some others to see that now. When we listen to statistics and medical facts, something like Jack's diagnosis can be very overwhelming. I know in my heart though that he is healed...in His perfect time.

I find though that the more we think, the more we don't know...when we get ourselves and our thinking out of the way, God does amazing things.

We have to make that stand on the Promises.

My favorite verse..... Be still and know that I am God.

Friday, April 20, 2001 at 10:12 PM (CDT)

Hello again....

Jackson made it home this evening shortly after supper time. Mike said that it was a long day and took forever to get the paper work in order to get out of there. They were very happy to be home! We all were here when they pulled in and Grandma Cindy had stopped by just in time to welcome him home.

Jackson and Joey played and took their baths tonight. I know that they missed each other a lot....they are pretty much inseperable.

I think that Jackson is feeling pretty good. He seems to have energy...he is the only one still up, sitting on my lap as I type :) He has his new Curious George outfit on....his "new" favorite. It fits him just fine...the Curious part, I mean.

We did learn today that his immune system is very low, due to the chemo pill. We had hoped to have some company over the weekend, but will have to hold off on that. It gets to be quite a job trying to be germ free.

Well...off to go cuddle with my best boy named Jack. How blessed I am.

Sleep well and God bless all.

Friday, April 20, 2001 at 08:56 AM (CDT)

Good Morning to everyone~

I just spoke with Mike and he thought that Jack would be discharged sometime today. He hoped that someone will come in and confirm that soon.

The doctors have found no cause for his fever. The temperature has remained normal since they were admitted on Wednesday night.

Mike spoke with Dr.Wagner yesterday, and he said that he was very surprised to hear that Jack had relapsed...especially since we had just received the results back a few weeks earlier that there was nothing to be found. He wants to get together with our new doctor next week and come up with a plan for Jack...whatever that would be it is hard to say.

Jack is scheduled for a bone marrow test on May 1st or 2nd.

Jackson is so good at dealing with this hectic schedule....far better then me. He is a precious little boy.

Thank you for all of your love and support. Wishing you all a blessed day.

Thursday, April 19, 2001 at 09:52 AM (CDT)

Good Morning to everyone~

Thank you for checking in on us today. It was a long night here, as Jackson developed a higher temp. last night reaching about 102.7 the last I took it. We called in to Fairview and they wanted him admitted right away. Mike took him up and I stayed home with the children. Mike called at midnight and said that the fever had left but that they would need to do a 24 hour observation to keep an eye in Jack and to do some blood work testing.

Jack had received 2 transfusions yesterday morning. The doctor didn't know if this experimental medicine caused the fever, or the transfusions or if it is a bacteria or virus. They did a culture to check for staph bacteria as he has that port back in his chest.

We had prayed last night for the fever to leave and it did. We are trusting that Jack will be alright.

Jack is expected to be released tomorrow sometime.

Thank you for your love and prayers...God bless.

Special birthday wishes for our friend Rhonda....and all of our love to Grandma Faye today on her birthday.

Wednesday, April 18, 2001 at 01:03 PM (CDT)

Good Afternoon ~

Just a quick note to let you know that Jackson's appointment went well today. They did his blood counts at the clinic and then admitted him in the hospital section for the morning to receive his red blood and platelets. They both were running very low. Mike said that Jack did good there. He should be feeling better and have more energy now. :) Jack will need a blood count done on Friday morning, but no doctor visit. They feel that he is doing well enough to wait until Monday morning.

It is a beautiful day here today. We will probably take the little ones outside to play.

Thank you for checking in...enjoy the day !

Tuesday, April 17, 2001 at 03:12 PM (CDT)

Good Afternoon to everyone ~

I trust that your weekend was blessed...as was our's !

We had the most wonderful time on our trip to Indiana....nothing less then awesome !!! It was very relaxing and special for each one of us. I couldn't even begin to write about it.

Jackson had a great time :) He ran all over, swam in the pool, played with Essie and baby Joe...and mostly with Grandma Bonnie. He even spent his first night away from mom & dad....over at Grandma's hotel room. He called our room's our "fancy" house.

We took him in for check-ups at the Louisville Children's Clinic on Thursday and Friday. We also had to go in to Fairview as soon as we came home yesterday.

His counts are running low, due to the chemo. He has been looking pale and more tired because of it. He is scheduled to have red blood and platelet transfusions tomorrow morning at Fairview Hospital.

We had very cool experience today at 3:00. I was thinking about the faith that we need to hold on to for Jack's healing. At the very second that I spoke it to Mike, a beautiful bald Eagle appeared and flew down above our car and stayed directly with us for about a half of a mile. Those of you who have read in the Bible about eagles know exactly what I am talking about.

We are holding very tightly to God's Promised Word...Expecting that Miracle !!!

I appreciate all of the guestbook entries and personal e-mails concerning Jack and the prayers and support for him. I feel that it is now the time to just be reverent and keep in prayer awaiting His answer.

" Be still and know that I am God. "

Wednesday, April 11, 2001 at 06:12 PM (CDT)

EXPECT THAT MIRACLE !!!!!!!

Wednesday, April 11, 2001 at 06:57 AM (CDT)

Good Morning Everyone~

Thank you so much for checking in on us today.

Jake's birthday was a lot of fun. Thank you for all of the wishes for him. A special thank you to Aunt Sally for the delicious chocolate cake :)

Mike & Jackson are on the way to Fairview. It will be a long day. 8 hours of testing total, but it is periodic.

Jackson is doing pretty good. Yesterday he was very tired. He feel alseep at the table when he was eating lunch. He left this morning still wrapped up in his blanket. He also is getting irritable again.

The blood results had shown Monday that his blasts were higher in his blood. That is the count of leukemic cells. They said not to be too alarmed as it will take another week or so to get these controlled with the medicine.

Jack is on the STI571. It is an experimental study with his particular diagnosis, ALL w/ Philadelphia Chromosome +. They have no statistics to show the progress expected if any. It is doing wonderful progress in other cancers though.

We are keeping Mike's cousin Shannon in prayer today. The whole family is thinking of you and praying for some good news for you and baby too.

I wish you all a blessed day :)

Tuesday, April 10, 2001 at 07:16 AM (CDT)

Good Morning to everyone...

It is a special day for us here. Jacob has his 10th Birthday today !!! We wish him a WONDERFUL day. He sure has brought many smiles to us. He is a sweet hearted young man. Jackson thinks that Jake is awesome :) So do we.

The doctor appointment went pretty good. Jack found another little boy his same age named Zak. They had a lot of fun in that hour that we waited in the waiting room :) Zak was dressed as a "Super Hero" so they RAN through out the clinic. That is usually the only time these cancer kids can play with any one is at clinic. I am so glad that Jackson can adapt to these situations and still have fun. Baby Joe has a terrible time when ever we go along....yikes !

Jackson's blood counts were all fairly good, although the results did show a higher count of blasts in his blood this time. The doctor still said that he was happy with the progress....so we are happy too.

Tomorrow is a long day of continuous testing. They will draw labs every so many minutes during the day to check on the levels in his blood. Mike will be staying with Jack and will maybe go visit some friends still staying at the Ronlad McD House.

I wish you all a special day. Happy belated Birthday wishes to Angie B. :) and congrats on that baby girl !!!

Monday, April 09, 2001 at 07:46 AM (CDT)

Good Morning everyone :)

It sure looks like it will be another beautiful day ! I thought that I would just write a quick line before we go to Fairview. Jackson has a check-up for blood counts, so it will be a pretty quick visit.

We had a wonderful day yesterday. We wish there would've been more like them. We had family over for Jake's birthday. We had a good visit and lots of playing. Jackson had a lot of fun. He LOVES to run around with the kids. It makes him very happy.

A special thanks to our family and friends for taking time to relax here with us and visit.

We also had some very encouraging news from friends that had heard some good news on the cancer pill that Jack is on. It is relatively new, but the doctors are seeing great results. We were happy to hear that even the children with the Philadelphia Chromosome are having improvement. We are thankful for this, and also for good friends...thank you.

I have kept Jack's testimony in constant thought. I am really holding to what I know that the Lord has shown to us. I am believing that Jack will be alright. I know that this has all been in the Lord's hands from the beginning. He has kept Jack so safe when the days looked very dark. He has sent deliverance many times over when the doctors gave no hope. It is in God that we have put our faith.

It is very humbling to me, as I know that I don't deserve anything from Him. Yet He shows me mercy and grace. It is Amazing Grace. We humbly seek, yet once again.

I want to thank you all for checking in on us here. It is so very encouraging to hear from you ! By phone call, email or guestbook...it brings such joy to our day. My goal was to save all of these entries for Jack to read so that he will know how many people have love in their hearts.

We thank you and pray all blessings upon those who have been so kind to us.

Sunday, April 08, 2001 at 07:54 AM (CDT)

Good Morning to all on this beautiful Palm Sunday.

I was thinking about a report that our daughter Jessie did last year at school. She had to write a report on a man of great influence in our history. She wrote her report on Jesus Christ. How He came in to Jerusalem on this Palm Sunday, full knowing of what this week ahead would bring. He came in as our King, to conquer all sin, shame, suffering and death. Of course He is not just a man in History....He is alive evermore. That is what we celebrate on the coming Easter Sunday. She also stated Hebrews 13:8 and we know that all that He did in Bible times He is still doing today. And for those who have accepted Him as Lord and Saviour in their lives, He brings the victory. An amazing story of love for His children.

I felt joy in my heart that Jess would have Him first to write about.

We are spending our day with some family. Jack is excited to be having a party :)

Jack is feeling pretty good. He is a little tired lately, and his platelets are running low. The doctor called us at home yesterday and said that Jack's counts looked pretty good besides the platelets, and that he would see us Monday.

I wish you all a special day....many blessings to you .

Saturday, April 07, 2001 at 08:33 AM (CDT)

Good Morning to everyone!

Yes, it is a blustery day...isn't it ?? Jack has been telling us all week that he is the wind. I am sure that he will appreciate today then :)

I have learned to listen very closely to what Jackson tells me. You really have to hear every word. I have found that he speaks very spiritually and mature for his age...but you have to listen.

I know that children see far more then we do, in their innocence. I think one of the saddest things to see is a child's innocence gone before it needs to be. If we quiet our mind and listen....we can learn a lot.

I am so happy that so many of you are making that stand with us. I have seen that what you speak can come to pass. Always speak positive. If we speak positive and stay in constant prayer the end result can be wonderful. Hold to the Promise.

Jackson's blood counts were better yesterday. He is looking good and feeling good. He is less cranky already. Poor little man has had cranky moods from the leukemia, from the medicines...everything involved in this monster called cancer makes him cranky.

But he also is a fighter....and a leader...and a soldier.

Friday, April 06, 2001 at 09:04 AM (CDT)

Good Morning to everyone~

Just a note to let you all know that things are going well. It is a special day for us here, and especially as we know that every minute is time cherished with each other.

We had a wonderful time together last night, and we are holding tightly to the Promise. I am SO thankful that we have believers around us also making that stand. We are encouraged by your words. Only believe !

Jack made it home yesterday. He did very good in the hospital. His counts improved some and he is feeling good. He made another friend there named TJ. Jack makes the most of the hospital visits :) He really loves to see people and play.

Jack will have blood draws today and tomorrow. They will keep a close monitor on his platelets and hemoglobin as they are running low.

Mike starts his Mpls. Home Show today. I trust that he will be given strength and focus.

I am sure that you all remember Jack's friend Allison....she was a 3 year old girl that Jack loved to play with at the Ronald McD House. Allison was a donor for her big brother Ryan. We found out yesterday that Ryan too has passed away.

Please say a prayer for comfort for Allison's family. They have been very kind to us and our heart aches for their loss.

Thursday, April 05, 2001 at 08:14 AM (CDT)

Good Morning to everyone~

I just talked with Mike and he said that everything is going pretty good, and that they will be back home by noon today.

Jack told me last night " I is in the hospital mom...I will be home in a little minute. "

I am not sure what the daily schedules will be yet. I know that he will need to go up to the hospital for blood draws, maybe daily.

For those of you that seen the cancer drug pill on TV....I do believe that is the one that Jack is on.

We have had many people come over and call. It is very encouraging to us to see that people are filled with love and compassion. This last year has been a lonely time in many ways, and it has been good to hear from family and friends.

I know that people are worried about Jack. It has been said many times to accept God's will for him. I do accept God's will for him. I also believe that it is all going to be alright. I am still believing. I am Expecting that Miracle.

Please stand with us...Only believe.

All things are possible to them that BELIEVE.

Wednesday, April 04, 2001 at 09:36 AM (CDT)

Good Morning~

I wanted to tell everyone how much I have appreciated your phone calls and emails. It has been very encouraging for us.

Jackson had his surgery yesterday to put his port back in his chest. It went very well. He was a little sore last night where the stitches were.

I took him to town with me. He wanted to go to the grocery store for snacks :) We went to the playground for awhile and talked. I feel like we have missed so much together through this year and a half of battle. I wish that I could just hold him forever.

I wish I could hold all of my children forever. It all goes by too fast.

Uncle Aaron stayed here last night. Jack was pretty sure that he needed to sleep by Aaron...so he did, most of the night.

Jack is back at Fairview now with the new doctor. He was scheduled to take his first pill today to break down the leukemia cells. He will need to stay the day and over night. They will run an IV flush on him to let the dead cells pass out of his body. They will test his blood every so many hours to check his counts. Jack will be back home tomorrow.

Jack is also on some medicine for bone pain, as hopes to comfort him.

It will be a very busy weekend here. I will try to update when possible. Thank you again for checking in. Thank you for your support and for your prayers.

Expect that Miracle.

Tuesday, April 03, 2001 at 07:07 AM (CDT)

Good Morning....

Jackson's bone marrow test did confirm that the leukemia was back in his body. His blood counts showed that it is far more serious then even the first time around. They have told us that conventional chemotherapy will not be of any help. They have decided to put him on a daily pill to prolong his life.

Jackson is up at the hospital this morning getting another port put in his chest. They will need it for blood work, as they expect to be doing a lot.

He is scheduled to be admitted for the day and evening tomorrow and then will come back home.

Jack's new doctor was very nice...even Jack liked him, which is very rare.

We have liked all of our doctors. They have been good to us, and to Jack.

Dr. Bostrum said it could be a matter of a month or so left for Jack.

As much as this rattles me, I make my stand on what God has shown to me. I'm believing that Jack is going to be alright.

We are making our plans for going down to Indiana.

Miracles happen to those that believe.

Monday, April 02, 2001 at 11:54 AM (CDT)

Good Afternoon to everyone....

I am not sure what to even write. My heart is so sad for Jack and all of the pain he has to go through. He has been a true soldier...a true inspiration and strength.

The tests results have come back positive for leukemia.

Dr. Bostrum says that we can go to an experimental daily pill, in hopes of some progress. They would like us to start tomorrow.

I see that we are nearing the end of this medical treatment.

I would like to share that I surely appreciate our doctors and all that they have done for us, but I have never put my faith there.

I have my faith in the Lord. That is where I make my stand. I know that He is the Healer. Modern medicine can prolong life, but there is only One Healer.

I have heard many testimonies of cancer healings, leukemia healings, the blind to see, and many more. I believe in Miracles.

I believe that Jackson will have total healing.

It has been a long and hard journey, and tiresome at times. We never know what God has planned for us in our lives, but when we chose to serve Him we do as He leads us to do.

I remember the day that I dedicated Jackson to the Lord. He is God's child and I only can call Jack mine.

He is a beautiful and wonderful little boy.
He has brought so much joy and happiness to our life, and I am so thankful to be his momma.

We are going back down for Easter, if the Lord is willing.

Expect that Miracle.

Friday, March 30, 2001 at 01:56 PM (CST)

Good Afternoon~

I hope that everyone is having a wonderful day.

I wanted to share that Jackson went to see Dr.Bostrum at Mpls. Children's this morning. Mike and Grandma Bonnie went with.

Dr.Bostrum called me before Mike even made it back home. He said that the blood counts looked pretty good, but that there was an abnormality. An amount of 7% blasts in his blood.

Dr. Bostrum scheduled Jack for a bone marrow biopsy on Monday morning.

We still make our stand for Jackson and accept his healing. I would ask you to do the same. Please keep him in prayer.

I never know what path we will be taken down, but I have learned to just pray and to be lead...to always walk in the Light. No matter if that Light is only shining a few feet in front of me, to just keep my eyes upon Him.

Thursday, March 29, 2001 at 08:56 AM (CST)

Good Morning ~

It is amazing how fast the weeks go by...I can't believe it is the end of March already.

Jackson will have his check-up tomorrow morning with Dr.Bostrum the Oncologist. It will be just a routine check of his body and blood counts. Our next bone marrow test is scheduled for May 21 @ Fairview with Dr. Wagner.

We will spend our time today preparing for the home show...running errands, etc.

Jacob has his last night of wrestling tonight, and his last tournament this Saturday. He was picked out of his piano class yesterday to join percussion in the band, just like Jess...so I guess we have yet another drummer. It is very interesting to see all of the different instruments they play for percussion, so we are excited too.

Jess is starting track, and ordering her outfit today. She is really looking forward to that also. The girls track team did a project for Jackson last year collecting donations for every mile that they ran all season. They have been very kind to us and supportive.

Baby Joe is still having some issues from his croup. We hope that he gets better before the weekend...we have so much going on. He looks so sad when he is sick...poor little guy.

Jack is doing great. He is having so much fun just being a kid. It is amazing to watch him :) I don't think I could even express the joy he brings to us...we are so thankful. Truly.

I wish everyone a wonderful day !

Special Birthday wishes to Auntie Heather !!!!! We love you lots.

Tuesday, March 27, 2001 at 06:55 PM (CST)

Good Evening everyone ~

Today was Jackson's big day in town. We finally made it to the library !! This morning on Arthur, we seen how little D.W. went to the public library... for the 10th time. I figured today would be just as good as any to give it a try.

Jack and I thought that we would be adventurous...we skipped the afternoon nap, and headed straight for town.

First we went to the movie store. We returned our rentals, and Jack decided he needed chips on the way out....pizza pringles. :)

Next, we went to Nilssens' to get grocery's. Jack pushed the little cart. He thought that he was doing a very big job. He bought cookies, chips, chocolate milk...I am sure you get the picture. He was so precious to watch.

Finally, off to the library. I was going to just skip it, not wanting to push my luck..but I held to my word. Once inside, Jack was amazed by the science center. He forgot all about the books ! It was a lot of fun and we checked out some great stories. It all worked out great.

Jack helped me make supper tonight and he told me that he had a really fun day. :) He said he loves me SO much...as do I him.

I am sure to many this day could seem trivial...but to me, it means the world. I never thought that I would appreciate all of the little things in life this much.

The temper tantrums, the runny noses, the squealing and running through the house....the smiles, the hugs,little fingers and toes, the innocence. Children are a beautiful blessing.

Thank you for joining us.

I have tried to add new pictures, but seem to be having some difficulty this time.

Monday, March 26, 2001 at 01:09 PM (CST)

Good Afternoon ~

Thank you for checking in with us today. I surely appreciate all of you who have kept Jackson and our family in your thoughts and prayers. It has meant a lot to us.

I just received a note today from Jeramie's mom. I really wish we could've went down to express our love and sympathy. I would like to thank all of you who left them words of kindness and encouragement. My heart aches for them. It has to be a very hard time.

Jackson has caught the cold from baby Joe. He has his appointment on Friday. He seems to be doing alright though. We have kept the two little ones as separate as possible. Joe is still quite ill. We are hoping he will make a turn around soon.

We had a really nice weekend...besides the colds. Yesterday was a babtism for my friends baby. We wish special blessings to the Giguere's and their beautiful baby girl. Jess and I also spent the afternoon with friend's at a party. A food party no less...it was a lot of fun !

Today we have business to get caught up on. Mike has another home show this weekend in Osceola and then the big on in Mpls. next weekend. It is a very busy and exciting time.

I wish you all a wonderful day. :)

Saturday, March 24, 2001 at 07:32 PM (CST)

Good Evening to all ~

A very busy couple of days here. Baby Joe is still very sick. We will bring him back to the doctor if he doesn't improve soon.

Jackson is healthy...so that is good ! The haircut went okay :) ??? I think he actually let Camilla cut 4 or 5 cuts and then he wanted to go!! Thankfully, his hair isn't very long to begin with so it still looked good. We never made it to the library...after the haircut, we thought we would save that excitement for next week !

Jake had his Clear Lake wrestling tournament today. He did a very good job...especially considering the fact that he was wrestling kids anywhere from 102 lbs.-125 lbs. Jake only weighs 87...so some one gave him the raw end of the deal. He handled it well though, so we are most proud of him for his attitude. It was probably better then mine at the time.

We had 2 other little cousins wrestle there today. Maverick and Tyler Wirth...they both did very well also. Congrats to them. It was wonderful to see many of Mike's family there...from the Wirth's and Amundson's... and also Grandma Cindy, Karissa and Auntie Heather came too. Grandma Bonnie & Grandpa Paul were watching the wee ones so that I could go watch Jake.

Auntie Donna sent home a bag of goodies for Jackson...he was thrilled !!! He is so into puppies lately and there was the Oddball puppie from the Dalmation movie. He also received some walkie talkies. Not sure who had more fun with that...Jack or his Dad. :)

Grandma Faye, Richard E., cousin Eric and his fiancee came to visit this afternoon. It was great to see them again.

Another busy day....I think tomorrow will be a perfect "day of rest ".

Blessings to you all.

HAPPY 3RD BIRTHDAY TO JOEL !!! XOXOXO

Thursday, March 22, 2001 at 08:42 PM (CST)

Good Evening everyone....

It has been a rather long day here. We had to bring baby Joe in to the doctor. He had been running a high temp. and has a pretty bad cough. The doctor in Cumberland said that Joe has croup, and that there is no medicine for that as it is a virus. He said that 1 out of 20 cases are hospitalized with pneumonia. He also recommended to keep Jack and Joseph as separated as possible,as it is contagious. Of course it is next to impossible to keep them separate...they are in constant contact. We called our nurse at Mpls. Children's and she said that Jack has already been exposed, and that we will just need to keep a close eye on him. She also said if something did develop, that they would send us to Cumberland...our local hospital. I feel a little better knowing that everyone is informed.

Jess and Jake will have no school tomorrow. We have our parent/teacher conferences. Jake also has his wrestling tournament on Saturday in Clear Lake.

If all goes well, Jackson has asked if we can go to the local library like the little boy on his PBS show. Jack has decided we need to go there tomorrow and that he also would like a haircut. :) Considering that he has just grown back his hair, and also the fact that he has never had a professional haircut in his whole little life...it should be a very big day for him !

Thank you for remembering the children and our family in your thoughts and prayers. I wish you all a peaceful night.

Wednesday, March 21, 2001 at 02:08 PM (CST)

Good Afternoon !

We have been home playing today and enjoying this sunshine....how beautiful. :)

Jack is wanting to go outside all of the time ! We let him play on the deck a lot for fresh air, but we can't have him get into the soil. That should make for an interesting spring trying to keep him out of the dirt !! The doctors don't want him near dirt or live flowers or anything that has spores.

Baby Joe woke up with a chest cold and Jackson too is coughing and sneezing. I was quite ill myself last night and today. We will pray for good health and trust that it will all be alright.

Jack has also gotten his rash back again on his face and some of his body. He says it is itchy. If it doesn't clear up we will bring him in to get it checked out. No one is sure why this keeps coming back.

Jack is scheduled to go see Dr. Bostrum on 3/30 and also has to go back for another check up and bone marrow test with Dr. Wagner on 5/21. We are thankful that the checkups are less frequent anyway.

I wish you all a wonderful day. Thank you for checking in, and for your thoughts and support.

Monday, March 19, 2001 at 04:42 PM (CST)

Good Evening everyone~

What a fun day Jackson had today !!! His cousin Karissa was able to come and see him. She spent the whole day here playing. Jackson had a WONDERFUL time. They played "school"...baked chocolate chip cookies...played with Jack's musical instruments...watched a movie....

Jack was so happy. Karissa is a little sweetheart and played very well with him. He really needed this time with her.

When it was time for her to go home, he hugged her tight and said "I love you Karissa...thank you for watching a movie with me".

Jackson and Karissa have the same birthdate...3 years apart. I suppose that they will always share a special bond.

We are looking forward to a family get together again soon. We have seen more people in the last 2 weeks then in the last year and a half. It has been very nice.

We also seen Mike's family on Sunday afternoon. We had a great time with Grandma Espeseth and family.

Thank you to Tom & Heather and family for the fun day today for Jackson. It is just what he needed. :) Karissa made this little boy very happy.

We love you lots....

Sunday, March 18, 2001 at 09:08 AM (CST)

Good Sunday Morning to all !

The sun is shining so bright here this morning. What a wonderful feeling to know that spring is on the way.

Jack is doing very well. He looks and feels healthy and is full of energy. He has been so happy :) It is a great time in his life...the best that he has ever been.

I wanted to share that Jackson has been singing the song "I'll fly away". One of his favorites.

"I'll fly away, oh Glory. I'll fly away...in the morning. When I die, hallelujah bye and bye...I'll fly away."

We have been talking a lot of Jeramie and the other children that have passed on. What a battle they fought. I think of Jeramie's mom writing of his last smiles. What peace he must have felt in his heart.

I remember the day when Jack was in the hospital at one of his very worst points during transplant. He could hardly move or talk because his mouth was full of open sores. I was holding him and he looked at me and said "my wings are tired momma".
It broke my heart and I could see in his eyes how tired he was.

I sat down yesterday and counted all of the days when Jack's life was so on the line. So may days when he could've easily not made it through. The Lord spared his life....leaving him here with us. It is all about mercy and grace...and of course, love.

I believe that Jack is a living testimony to God's power to heal in this day. Expect that Miracle...always.

I don't know why all of the children don't survive. It is not my place to understand this, but I do know that we all have a purpose for being here on this earth, a purpose for knowing each other and a perfect will that we should pray to follow.

I am so thankful for the path that we were lead to follow.

My daily reading today was about angels. I shared before that many of the sick children have seen angels. Jack has seen his. I have been a witness to it.

Many times we put up our own wall to these experiences. I would like you to be encouraged in knowing that God is always watching over His children.

Matthew 18:10

"Take head that ye despise not one of these little ones; for I say unto you, That in heaven their angels do always behold the face of my Father which is in heaven."

Friday, March 16, 2001 at 08:47 PM (CST)

Good Evening to all ~

I would like to share with everyone, that we heard from Fairview University Hospital today. They had the test results in from Jackson's DNA test that was done looking for a sign of the Philadelphia Chromosome.

This chromosome is an abnormality that forms in leukemia cells making it virtually impossible to get in to remission and even more so to ever be cured.

When the doctor found that Jack had this, they were very sad as it leaves little hope in there eyes.

The results today came in negative. Absolutely NO sign whatsoever.

I wouldn't know what else to say, except Thanks be to the Lord Jesus.

Every obstacle that the doctors said showed little hope for Jack...statistically speaking...has been defeated by the Power of prayer.

I know that a few people thought that we were going "overboard" bringing Jack down for prayer. I guess to that, I can only say that I have lived this testimony and God knows it is all true.

Mark 10;27
And Jesus looking upon them saith, With men it is impossible, but not with God: for with God all things are possible.

I believe it ! :)

Thursday, March 15, 2001 at 08:24 AM (CST)

We would like to dedicate today's entry to our little friend Jeramie Eveland.

Jeramie was a beautiful boy that we met at transplant in Fairview Hospital. He had his transplant a little before Jackson did. Jeramie just reached his 6 month mark after transplant. Although, he was in the hospital almost every one of those days.

When I first seen Jeramie, he stole my heart. He reminded me a lot of Jackson. They are close in age, and there was something about the sparkle in his eyes. He is a beautiful boy. We were all at the Ronald McD house the last time we seen him.

I have mentioned before how the bonds that you make with other families there are unlike any other. It seems as though only other parents dealing with this can truly understand. Any parent that has had to deal with the loss of a child or a life threatening illness would know what I am saying. It is beyond words.

I have been saddened many times over this last year to see child after child pass on...although I know in my heart that they are with the Lord and that has to be the most amazing and special place. A wonderful thing about a child and their innocent ways.

I think of the Bible verse in Matthew 19;13-14. Then were there brought unto him little children, that he should put his hands on them, and pray:and the disciples rebuked them. But Jesus said "suffer little children and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven".

What a comfort to know that Jesus takes the little ones to Him. A sweet innocent child...for such IS the Kingdom of Heaven.

If we all could have the faith and innocence of a child.

My heart goes out to Jeramie's family today. I pray for the Comforter to be with them and give them peace.

Fly little wings....Until we meet again sweet Jeramie.

Jeramie Eveland's Family
1126 Walker Street
Janesville, WI 53545

"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."

Monday, March 12, 2001 at 08:45 PM (CST)

Good Evening ~

I have to say that our day went very well today. All of the children are doing wonderful. Jackson is growing up so fast....as are all the children. It is so strange to think back to the day Jack was diagnosed. He was just a baby...barely 2 years old. Now at 3 1/2, he is talking about riding the school bus. I feel like we lost this whole last year and a half. I have talked to many parents dealing with this also. You spend every day trying to keep your child healthy and alive...trying to keep your family living "normal", trying to keep in touch with friends and family, plus a job etc. It is a very busy and tiring journey.

We have kept our little friend Jeramie and his family in our constant thought and prayer. Our hearts our so heavy. He is Jackson's age and he is just so precious. We feel a very strong love and connection with this family...and yet we hardly know them.

It brings to mind so many children that we seen pass away this last year. It truly breaks my heart. The cancer treatments and the bone marrow transplant process is so extremely hard on their little bodies. It is a very harsh process.

I am so thankful and also in awe of all the people that Jeramie's life has touched...all of the support that he has. He has been a little soldier for the Lord also...just like Jack.

Look at these little people doing more to change this world in their 3 years, then many of us do in a lifetime.

Life is very short. I believe that we all should live everyday as it is our last. I believe that we should live in peace and love. I see so many people that aren't living in that love...and it is so sad. They don't know what they are missing.

If Jack has taught me anything...he has taught me love.

Sunday, March 11, 2001 at 06:35 PM (CST)

Good Evening to all !

Thank you so much for checking in today. It has been a beautiful one. Mike & I celebrated our wedding anniversary. Thank you to everyone for the well wishes and cards. What wonderful people in our lives...we are truly blessed. The love and support that has been shown to us over the years has been overwhelming...especially this last year. We had a very special day here with the children...amazing blessings :)

Jackson was a little tired today, but has been so happy. He played outside a few times...had a fun time swimming in the bath tub...and danced up quite a 2 step with this new Gospel music CD from Auntie Marsha. He just loves music ! He is very good at dancing and singing, especially to the Lord.

We were blessed with visitors also today. Grandma Cindy came over this morning. She had to wear a mask because she had a cold. She has been such a very strong support for us, and we love her deeply. We also had Marsha and Breanne Swant stop by. It was wonderful as always to have them here. They are always thinking of others. Jack just loves to see people, so he was very happy. :)

We are keeping Jeramie in prayer tonight. He has had a long and hard journey. We pray for some happy news for them and want them to know they are in our hearts...our thoughts...and our prayers.

It would be impossible to explain to people what the child goes through, what the family goes through, how hard it is to make it through, how painful and sad the days can be. It is a very lonely time. The only real comfort comes through prayer and faith...and those kind hearted people that have never left our side. God bless you all.

Friday, March 09, 2001 at 10:18 AM (CST)

God bless sweet Jeramie....our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

www.caringbridge.com/wi/jeramiesjournal

Wednesday, March 07, 2001 at 07:04 PM (CST)

Good Evening~

I have been watching Jack & Joe playing today and thinking a lot about how thankful we are for these many blessings and for Jackson's healing and amazing recovery. I have shared his testimony with many people, and will one day write it on here. I would like to say that Miracles are not a thing of the past. They happen today just the same.

Sometimes I am hesitant to speak on this, as I hear so much of the doubters and whisperers.

I have a testimony from another mom of a cancer child, and she writes on the angels that guarded her little boy Ethan. She kept track of her son's speaking of angels and also had a photo. I feel that the children can see things that we are blinded too. I also think that the Lord would open everyone's eyes if they would allow Him to. When you let that skepticism come in, you put up your own block. I know that many cancer kids see these angels around them.

I will share that Jack also has seen his little light...his little angel. We have seen and heard this.

We are truly thankful and very humbled by the Lord's love and grace to us. He has led us and has shown what Amazing Grace really is.

My friend's little boy sent us this poem that I just love...The Lord is so good to me, the Lord is so good to me. For giving me the things I need. The sun, the rain, the appleseed...the Lord is so good to me. Amen.

Tuesday, March 06, 2001 at 06:00 AM (CST)

Good Morning ~

Thank you for checking in with us today. I think that everyone is doing pretty good, besides a little cold sniffles.

Jack spent most of yesterday asking to go back to Carter's birthday party. He talked about the kids all day !!! He just loves to be around other children. I am looking forward to doing a weekly playdate or something. He really needs some social skill practice...he likes to be the boss.

I figure he only has been able to see other children around 5 times or so, in the 13 months of treatment. He never was able to go to the playroom at the hospitals, and when he was on chemo his counts were too low to go anywhere. It has been quite an adjustment. His siblings have been his only playmates. I guess this will be a time of learning for us all, on how to cope with the emotional side effects. We stilll have so much going on inside of us....aomethimes it just feels like the whole world has passed us by.

We spent the day yesterday working on our log home business. It is a very busy time of the year. Mike has a couple home shows in the next few weeks, so there is a lot to prepare for. We also have been working on a children's playhouse series, so we are excited about that. Jackson and baby Joe mostly play in the office and try to help us :)

I have attended a few meetings this month on a product line called Neways. They have personal care products, household products, and vitamins. They contain all natural ingredients, with nothing toxic.It would be strange to think that our toothpaste or soap would be toxic, but the labels do say they can be. This is the ONLY company in the world that is supported by the National Cancer Prevention Society(I will double check) The ingredient DEA has been banned in Europe for 10 years, yet it still remains in may of our products. DEA has been found to be toxic, and linked to cancer. If anyone wants to email me your address, I can send you some info. on these products. We are really looking forward to the liquid vitamin line for our children also.

Anyway....I must go get ready for the day. I hope that you all have a happy and blessed one.

Sunday, March 04, 2001 at 09:48 PM (CST)

Good Evening to all !

It has been a very busy day here, but a good one. We spent the afternoon at Uncle Tom's and Auntie Heather's. They had a birthday party for Carter...he will be 9 tomorrow. We brought Jackson and baby Joe. Jack had a really fun time seeing the kids and playing. It was so good to be there with family.

Jack is doing very well today. His cough has went away. We did have to call the hospital last night though...for Joe. He had developed a hive like condition, most likely a food allergy they said. He seems fine today.

Jess and Jacob had went up north with Bonnie & Paul. They had a nice time. They didn't make it home until this evening, so they missed the party. Hopefully we can get together again soon.

Jake won first place yesterday at the wrestling tournament. He won 3 matches. Mike said he did very well.

We have our pictures back from Jessie's day at the State Capitol. She asked Grandma Cindy to go with her. They had a very busy but enjoyable time.

Thank you for checking in. God bless.

Happy Birthday Carter !!!! We love you lots.

Saturday, March 03, 2001 at 06:10 AM (CST)

Good Morning ~

I thought Saturday mornings were for sleeping in :) Baby Joe has been up for an hour now. There seems to be a little bug of sorts here. We aren't feeling too perky. Jacob was home with a bad headache on Thursday. Jackson and baby Joe have developed a cough. I have a head cold. It is a bummer how these things keep coming around.

Jack did have his first playtime for a few hours yesterday. Nathan, Theresa and little Joel stopped over. We hadn't seen them since before Jack was diagnosed. It was good to have them here. Joel will be 3 in a few weeks, so he & Jack played pretty good together.

We haven't seen hardly anyone since he was diagnosed ! We have missed our family a lot. We are looking forward to going to Carter's birthday party tomorrow.

Jake has a wrestling tournament today in at Unity. We just decided yesterday to enter this one. He is excited. His cousin Andrew is going with him to wrestle also.

Jess had a great time at the State Capitol. She brought home a ribbon and a book with her name in it, as an award. There will be a trophy sent to her school and also one sent to her, I think. We won't get the picture back for a year or two.

We are very proud of all the children. They have done so well through all of this chaos...and seperation. It has been a difficult time.

We thank you all who have been so supportive and kind. Mike & I surely appreciate the emails and phone calls for us also. Thank you !

I wish everyone a wonderful weekend. God bless.

Thursday, March 01, 2001 at 06:35 AM (CST)

Good Morning !

I just wanted to share that Jackson's appointment went very well yesterday. He likes the clinic there, as they have a cool little play area. When it gets time for the checkup, he cries...of course, not wanting to leave that play area.

We met with Dr.Bostrum and discussed how Jack did in transplant. They were all pleased with his progress. Jack's blood counts were excellent. We don't need to go back for one month ! That will be the longest he has been able to go without a checkup.

We had a nice visit with the hospital pastor Brian, and also nurse Jean from the 8th floor (cancer kids). These are 2 people who have been extremely kind and concerned with Jack. We like them all a lot.

Things are going well. :)

***New photo's added***

Tuesday, February 27, 2001 at 01:59 PM (CST)

Good afternoon !!! Thank you for checking on us today. We are doing quite well. Everyone is healthy and happy...clothed and fed...couldn't ask for anything more.

We have our first check up back with Dr.Bostrum tomorrow morning. Jack is defiant about going. It will just be blood work every time we go in, and a basic exam. I hope it goes well. We love the Children's Clinic. They are very kind...and organized !

Jackson has finally remembered how much he loves to be outside. He did have a few good weeks of fun last summer and fall before his chemo hit him hard again. We are having a very hard time keeping him inside to play. I am sure that this is the best that he has ever felt physically and emotionally. He is doing so good, and it really shows. We can't wait for his immune system to "mature", then I am sure we will be off and running...EVERYWHERE.

We just heard some great news on Jess. She had an art project that had been sent in through the school to a local art contest...and won. It was then sent in to the state contest and also won ! She said she could've done a lot better on this particular project, but she received 1st place. We will travel to the State Capitol on Friday morning, as they will present her award during a ceremony...the proud momma writes :)

What else is new ?? ....baby Joe started to stand around the furniture. He has tumbled many times. Also has 2 teeth. Jake is doing good. He has wrestling tonight...preparing for the upcoming tournaments. He has been enjoying the snow and the outside activities. He loves to ice skate and ride snowmobile. He is a wonderful help here also.

I will update soon. I wish you a wonderful day. :)

Special prayers today for Jeramie and also Ryan. We think of you everyday ! God bless you.

Sunday, February 25, 2001 at 06:06 AM (CST)

Good Sunday Morning ~

I hope that everyone is enjoying their weekend. It sure is windy out here. Jack and baby Joe were both up a little after 5:30...so the day has begun !

We watched the 20/20 segment Friday night with Dr.Wagner and Molly. We found it to be very touching. Jackson was interested when he seen the doctor, but when he seen the clinic and hospital...he really started to pay attention to this familiar site. He had a very emotional reaction when he seen Molly's mom prepare to remove her Hickman line bandages. Jack grabbed his chest and scrunched over a little, as to protect his chest. The remembrance of the experiences really touched us all.

We liked the story. We have met the family a few times. They seemed very nice...as is Dr.Wagner. He has been very kind to us. It seems to be a controversial subject with their story, but I know that we should not judge. I personally know that when the doctor tells you that your child is "terminally ill", you do whatever it takes to comfort that child and to get him better. No one outside of the situation could fully understand.

Jack is always fascinated by other children with "cords" and also without hair. It is his way of relating, I'm sure. He will actually ask me everytime he see's another bald little boy in a photo...is that Jack, momma ??

Wouldn't it be nice to see things through the eyes of a child...so innocent. I have learned that when we let go of our thinking and reasoning, the Lord will do Almighty things for you. It is a Wonderful experience.

I wish you all a blessed day. :)

Friday, February 23, 2001 at 06:02 PM (CST)

Good Evening ~

It has been a busy day here...getting ready for our local home show. There is a snowy weather forecast, so who know's what the weekend will bring.

Jack was begging to go for a ride today. I took him and baby Joe around the block, and they both fell asleep....our big outing for the day :)

Happy thoughts and prayers for Jeramie today....scheduled to go home after a very long hospital stay. :) yea !!!

I had told everyone that Dr.Wagner was on 20/20 last week, and sorry to say I was mistaken...but he is on tonight I hear. He also was on GMA this morning. We plan to watch. Jack will be curious I am sure, when he see's his Dr. on TV.

I wish everyone a wonderful weekend. God bless.

Special prayers tonight for Ryan...we hope that his healing comes soon.

Wednesday, February 21, 2001 at 05:23 PM (CST)

Good Evening everyone~

I had a free minute and thought I would write a little update...although there isn't a whole lot going on here today.

Jackson is feeling wonderful. He has a lot of energy this week. He has developed a rash of sorts again...pretty much like before, just itchy bumps on his same cheek as before. Dr.Wagner doesn't want them near his eyes...so we will watch that closely.

Jack will see Dr.Bostrum next Wednesday. I was reading through something that he wrote about Jack last summer...that Jack had a very serious type of leukemia...that his only chance of survival would be a transplant...and then Jack would have a 50% chance after that. I am thankful for Dr.Bostrum's honesty...and also for the fact that he is a Christian.

It is so good to see Jack doing this well. We are truly thankful for this blessing.

I think about this journey and this testimony everyday. I have said many times, that I will never allow this to be just another one of those things that we couldn't explain. I know in my heart was has happened with Jack. I thank the Lord for His mercy and grace.

I thank all of you who take the time to check in here...those of you who truly care about Jack and stand with him through this long, hard journey...and those of you who have been so kind to leave a message here for us. It lightens our load ,just a little, to know that people really care.

God bless you all for the kindness that you have shown to us.

Monday, February 19, 2001 at 01:36 PM (CST)

Good Afternoon ~

We just returned home from our check up with Dr.Wagner. Jack wasn't very thrilled to be back there...but he did get to see his friend Allison ! That made him happy. They were all giggly, and we took some photo's of them together. Allison and her family are going back to Louisiana next week, so it was so good to see them one more time.

We also took some photo's of Jack and Dr.Wagner during the checkup. There should be a few cute pictures.

Dr.Wagner said that Jack is doing so well, and that he doesn't foresee any problems with the graft vs. host disease. That was wonderful to hear. It is a problem that occurs with many transplant patients rejecting the donor. Jack's tests showed that he is still 100% of Jacob's marrow. He said to keep a close eye on him for any symptoms of donor rejection. We also have to do bone marrow tests in 3 months, 6 months, 1 year.

The results from the molecular tests will not be in for another week or so. These will also indicate if the Philadelphia Chromosome is present. We are trusting that it is not.

We also have to start again with Dr.Bostrum next week. We will go periodically for blood counts.

Jack's excess hair growth will be gradually falling out within the next few months.

We will have to keep watch on his eye problems. He seems to have a lack of tear production, which could either be part of graft vs. host disease...or damage from the intense radiation before the transplant.

All in all, Jack's recovery has been tremendous. We are so very thankful !

It only takes one trip back there to bring the realization of how blessed we have been...and what a miracle we have seen.

We pray for all the sweet little ones there also needing healing.

Sunday, February 18, 2001 at 08:14 AM (CST)

Good Sunday Morning everyone ~

It is a beautiful day here...and the sun is shining :)

We have been having a busy weekend, as usual. Jess had her last BB tournament. They placed 3rd. She has had so many games this last week. It has been a little hectic. She has did a fine job though, and we are proud of her effort.

Jack is feeling pretty good. He took such a long nap yesterday that we had to wake him up. He must be going through one of his low peaks lately. We have noticed spots on his body that the excess hair has come off too. We also have noticed some spots of itchy rash. Many children have a hard time coming off of the CSA medicine without having reactions. Jack seems to be having mild symptoms, but we are trusting it will be alright.

We go in to see Dr.Wagner in the morning. I will write again after we hear what he has to say. He has commented many times on how Jack's recovery has been "best case" scenario. He will also tell us what our next phase of check ups will be.

I watched 20/20 Friday night to see the segment on our doctor...I had heard that on the local news. It wasn't on, so perhaps it was the Wednesday evening episode and I missed it. I did see the segment they had on about cloning though. The doctor said that he estimated by December of this year, they would have a successful baby clone.

I can clearly see where we are at in time.

Friday, February 16, 2001 at 06:26 AM (CST)

Good Morning ~

Thank you for checking in on us. We sure do appreciate the concerns and prayers of everyone.

Jackson seems to be a little more tired this week. That is the up and down time of recovery...some good days of energy and then days of being tired. He still manages to keep quite busy though. His eyes are still an issue. They seem to be very dry and as always, the sunlight bothers him. We did notice last night that there was a big bunch of eyelashes that were missing ! Quite a bunch. I guess we will see how coming off of his CSA effects his hair. That medicine makes all the kids get long dark hair that comes in very quickly. You can notice on his photo's the change from December to January. Perhaps it will come out and then regrow.

We have our meeting with Dr. Wagner set for this next Morning. We are looking forward to meeting with him. Jack is pretty sure he doesn't want to go. I am a little concerned about his frequent blood draws. Jack is used to getting the blood out of his "cord"...and now they will have to put a needle in his vein to with draw it. We are trusting that it will all be alright. Jack has endured many, many unpleasant issues and has marched right along like the little soldier that he is.

Jack has amazed us all. We know that the Lord has given him comfort and strength. We have seen Jack endure some things that I couldn't even imagine going through. God is very good...and loving...and kind.

It has been an amazing journey.

Wednesday, February 14, 2001 at 07:41 AM (CST)

Happy Valentines Day !!!

Jack is doing pretty good today. We took him for a little drive yesterday...he liked that a lot. He was happy to see us go some where other then Mpls. :) He asked if we were going the right way. His eyes were bothering again. We don't leave the house with out his sunglasses.

Jack also took his first real steps in the snow. He has been checking out his snow boots and talking about it for awhile...we just never went out. He did have one day last year that he played out. Yesterday he walked around and shoveled a little bit. I realize it wasn't the nicest day out. We just bundled him up...and put his mask on. He was having so much fun. He cried when it was time to come in.

We are going to visit Grandma Espeseth today. She hasn't been able to see Jack since this all began. She is a dear sweet soul, who has always been so wonderful to us. She has called every week, for this last year and a half, to get updates and for prayer requests for Jack and our family.

I added some different photo's this morning. It is amazing to see how he has healed and improved these last few weeks.

I keep thinking back to that day...and hearing to Expect that Miracle. Believing that what ever this journey brings...to always Expect that Miracle. We have held on to those words...and have believed that what ever Jack had to go through, it would all be alright.

All things are possible...we only have to believe.

We send birthday wishes for Valerie today !!! Happy 40th :) Love you lots.

Enjoy your day, everyone.

Monday, February 12, 2001 at 07:50 AM (CST)

Good Morning !

The morning news is that we never heard back from Fairview to see when our appt. was to meet with Dr.Wagner. I guess it won't be today. It is a meeting for closure on the transplant part of recovery, before heading back to Mpls. Children's and Dr. Bostrum. Mondays are the only days Dr. Wagner is in clinic...so perhaps next week.

Speaking of Dr.Wagner...I read the article in this week's People magazine about Molly Nash and her transplant at Fairview. I found it interesting. They had a few paragraph's on Dr. Wagner. Molly was in transplant when Jack started there. We met her parents and the baby Adam...who I thought was born the day before our baby Joe. (???)

They stated a few realistic facts about being there and how so many children around us were dying. They tell you going into it that around 8-10% will die during the transplant process. I can say that we seen an abundance in the time we were there. It is quite an experience to go through..and survive. Nothing less then a miracle.

I would suggest to pick up the article if interested, and also the segment on 20/20 will be on this Friday night. That was taped as we were there.

We did have a weekend of family visiting...it was very nice. Mike seen his family Friday night...Grandma Faye, Don & Ellie, Dick, Cathy & Bethany, Mae, Gary, Matt & Emily. Saturday brought the BB game...Tom, Heather and kids were there...and my friend Andrea. Yesterday Auntie Heather brought Jess shopping. They had fun...cousin Carter stayed here to play with the boys. Auntie Donna came over to say hello too. She brought the kids Valentines & gifts. Jack received the cutest fireman outfit !!! It is precious. He has hardly taken it off. I will add a picture on here as soon as I get them done. Grandma Bonnie also came over to visit and play. It was quite a weekend :)

Jack is doing very well. He has been very happy to see people. He has been asking us to bring him places that he remembers having fun at...the Wirth farm...Tom & Heather's...Ronald McD house...he is pretty sure he has friends there waiting to play. He sure is a sweetheart. He is still having some very tired days, and some sunlight problems. They told us it will be another year to fully recover.

The other children are doing great...off to another busy week.

I wish you all a super day. God bless.

Saturday, February 10, 2001 at 07:06 PM (CST)

Good Evening to all~

It seems as though the day has flown by. I have been having computer glitches and it has caused a delay in this update.

Jessie had a basketball tournament in Clear Lake today. Her 7th grade team placed 1st. She made a few really cool shots ! Mike and I both had a chance to watch one game...so that was great.

Jackson is doing really good today. He is having a few adjustment issues. Our family life has been so scarce... in the time we all can be together. That has been the hardest thing for us. It seems like there is always too much going on. It would be SO nice to just relax and enjoy life...and our children. It has been too long of time to be apart. We are truly thankful that the hospital was in visiting distance though. Some of the parents we met are from the other side of the world. There was another mom with a baby the same age as Joe...and she had to leave it with her sister to raise until they could go back home. That broke my heart.

We are supposed to go see the doctor on Monday. I don't think they ever called back with a time on that though...Fairview has a little problem with the scheduling.

I did hear that Dr. Wagner's segment on 20/20 would be on this coming Friday though. I think it is about Mollie from Colorado. (?)

Mike was able to dine with his Grandma Faye and family last night. It is always good to spend time with them...he really enjoys that.

Jack had his first bath today since the Hickman line was removed. We had to wait for the opening to heal on his chest, so this was his first one since Monday. We had to coax him a little bit. He was very hesitant. He has no cord though, so he noticed I guess. We put baby Joe in the tub too...with lots of toys and bubbles. It was Joe's first big tub bath also. :)
A monumental day.

Moving forward...Praise the Lord !

Have a wonderful weekend.

Thursday, February 08, 2001 at 06:29 PM (CST)

Good Evening, family and friends~

Thank you for checking in on us. Boy !!! Look at it snow . It sure is pretty outside. Jack is amazed by the big flakes coming down. Jacob is hoping for a cancelled school day tomorrow. :)

We received the results of the bone marrow tests and the spinal cord results also. The tests showed no abnormalities! His blood looks totally normal. He has no sign of leukemia cells. The results of the Philadelphia Chromosome test will not be in for another week or so. They want to see if that is present anywhere.

They also told us that Jackson is still at 100% of his donor. (Jake) We didn't realize this before, but the marrow recipient can gradually drop in the amount of donor cells present. We want it to stay where it is at. Full donor.

Some days when Jackson is all giggly and talkative, I have to remind myself that he is 100% of Jake's marrow make-up. :)

It has once again been a day filled with special blessings. I have been keeping a written testimony of Jack's special moments at home. I will share it with you all some day soon.

We are truly humbled and very thankful for all the Lord has blessed us with.

We are truly thankful for all of you also. I want to add a special thank you to those of you who have taken the time to leave a guest book message. I am printing these out for Jackson to keep.

Thank you for your love and prayers.

Wednesday, February 07, 2001 at 08:24 AM (CST)

Good Morning to all~

Thank you for checking in this morning. Things are going very well here. Jackson has been doing pretty good. He is having a lot of back pain from the biopsy. It usually doesn't effect him this much. I can think of a few times where he hasn't walked as good, but on Monday night he couldn't even get up and yesterday he crawled all over. He has been very tired also. He must be needing some good rest I guess.

He did have a big smile when I told him his "cord" was out. He was pretty sure it was still there somewhere, but was happy when he realized it was really gone !! He has many bandages on his body that will come off tonight...and also many 3M sticky patches that monitored his heart. These will be quite the project to get off too.

The doctor said that Jack will be on his meds until the end of this month. He then will start to build his blood counts. When this happens, he can be around people with out wearing his mask. They said we will still have to be controlled about his environment, as it would take about 1 year to be as a "normal" child of his age for resistance to germs.

We are all fairly used to being in that controlled environment. It does get lonely at times...especially for family events. It is, as it is though ...for the safety of our son.

The doctor did say though that we need to get him in with a friend or two to play with if possible. He needs to see someone of his own size and have some peer activity. He really loves cousin Karissa, so we hope to have her over soon. Baby Joe is fun...but he can't run. :)

We will have the tests results in a week or two. We will have to see what our next schedule is. We will be going back to Mpls. Children's again for our weekly checkups.

I wish you all a wonderful day !!!

Congratulations to Tamara & Tony on their new little baby girl :)

Monday, February 05, 2001 at 05:03 PM (CST)

Good Evening friends~

Jackson has reached yet another milestone along this journey in his life. It has been a long day, but a good one. We are truly thankful to be moving forward.

Our doctor was out today, so he missed the whole thing. We had another doctor do the procedures. He said that they went well. It will take up to a week or two for all of the results to get in.

Jackson had a bone marrow biopsy and lumbar puncture (spinal tap) to look for leukemia cells and also the Philadelphia Chromosome. He also had his Hickman line removed. The line itself has always been an issue with us all. It was the same type of line that caused the staff infection last summer, which in turn caused the double pneumonia. As ironic as it is, the same line that caused Jack so much grief, is the same line that he holds as a security of sorts. He has always been extremely protective of his "cord", and was very upset when he woke up today and seen that it was gone. Of course, he had an IV in his hand instead upon waking. That is usually enough in itself to upset any child. Just ask Jake...he says that was the WORST part about being the bone marrow donor:)

The doctor said today that Jack should still be in a controlled environment for a month or two. When his counts improve though, he will really need to get with other children. It has been way too long for him to be with out kids of his own age group. All of his playmates have been at the clinic.

Tomorrow should be an interesting day. I look forward to it greatly.

I have said it before and will say it again... I know that God has shown His mercy on us and has spared Jack's life. I know that He has sent the healing in Jack's body that he needed. The doctors gave us little hope but I believe that miracles still happen today, just as in Bible times.

We have excellent doctors, and I am very thankful to them and the work that they have done...but there is only one Healer. It is to Him that I give all the praise.

It is real...All things are possible..only believe.

Sunday, February 04, 2001 at 07:22 AM (CST)

Good Sunday Morning to everyone~

Thank you for joining us today. It has been a quiet weekend here. We are just trying to stay relaxed and healthy for our big day tomorrow.

Jackson has been feeling very well. His eyes are even better it seems...not so light sensitive. He has been playing with his cars and reading a lot. That seems to be his new interest, is books.

We have told Jack a little bit about what will happen tomorrow. This day has been postponed too many times. I think I will wait until this evening to get in detail about it.

He will need his antibacterial bath tonight and bandage changes. I will be SO thankful when these are done !! I know that he will also. He used to love his baths last summer when there was no Hickman line. It has turned into such a traumatic event here.

Jack needs to be at the hospital around 7:00 a.m. It will be an early start and a long day. We are all so excited about this day, I wonder if anyone will sleep tonight.

Jessie's team placed 1st in the BB tourney yesterday. Mike said she played very well.

Jake spent the weekend with Grandma Bonnie and Grandpa Paul. They also had cousin Andrew there.

Baby Joe & Jack have been playing together...and Mike is feeling much better.

I wish you all a blessed day !!! I will update tomorrow evening after everyone is home. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers for Jackson and for us all.

Happy Birthday to my friend Kristi today...

and Happy Anniversary to Ang and Jeremy.
We love you lots.

Friday, February 02, 2001 at 05:22 PM (CST)

Good Evening friends~

Thank you for joining us. We had a pretty good day here. Jackson is feeling very well. He has been busy playing most of the day. He also helped me make a pot of home made soup. We thought it might help his papa feel better. Jack just loves to help me cook.

Mike is still feeling sick. We all have kept so healthy for this whole last year, and now these last 2 weeks everyone in our family has been sick.

Baby Joe went in for his check up today. Dr. Carlson thought that he was a little on the heavier side, but nothing to concern about. :) Joe is beautiful and healthy and happy...so it was a good report. We also had a few nice visits and people concerned about Jack. It is always nice to hear that others have kept us in their thoughts and prayers.

The Lord knows all about each one us. We have prayed through out this whole time with Jack , that each of you will be blessed for your kindness to us.

Have a Wonderful weekend !!!!

Thursday, February 01, 2001 at 07:29 AM (CST)

Good Morning ~

It has been a very busy week. Jackson seems to be feeling much better. His temp. has stayed pretty normal. That is a blessing.

We do have the confirmed schedule for Monday. Jack has his chest x-ray at 7:30 a.m. I guess it will be an early morning...and a long day no doubt. Jack is scheduled for procedures at 11:00 in the OR.

Mike and baby Joe have now got the bug. We will keep in prayer that it doesn't run through the family again.

We need to stay healthy for Monday !!! or they would postpone... again.

Jess has been busy with basketball. She has a game tonight. Jake is doing well. He did a little ice fishing over last weekend with uncle Tom and Carter. He always has a lot of fun with them.

anyway...off to a busy day.

Hope that your's is Wonderfully blessed. :)

Tuesday, January 30, 2001 at 06:35 PM (CST)

Good Evening friends~

Thank you for taking the time to check in on us all here.

We are all doing very well. Jackson seems to be feeling fine. He is a little more tired then usual and perhaps a little bit cranky...but it hasn't slowed him down one bit. :)

Mike & Jack arrived home yesterday afternoon from the hospital. Jack was still running a low grade temp. It hasn't went up at all. We are thankful for that.

The doctor said again at discharge that they were pretty certain Jack had a virus bug of sorts. It was amazing to hear of 6 other kids there...all transplant patients, all with the flu.

The hospital called today. We are on schedule for Monday morning !! They will do his chest x-ray at 7:30. The procedures will be at 11:00. It will be a very long day.

Grandpa Paul stopped in today to play cars. Jack really enjoys that.

Jack has talked about his friend Allison ALL day. He wanted to go back to the hospital to play in the play room today !

We will be having a big play day with all of his little friends as soon as we feel he is healthy enough.

Many blessings to you all.

Monday, January 29, 2001 at 09:30 AM (CST)

Good Morning to all...I apologize for not updating sooner. I was waiting for news on what is going on at the hospital for today.

Jackson was admitted last Friday evening around 9:00 or so. He was running a low grade temp. since Thursday morning. He caught a virus from someone...between our family and the clinic. His temp. went to 102.8 I believe.

It is mandatory procedure to admit the transplant patients for any fever if it goes over 100.5. It was the same last year also for chemo patients.

They have been running antibiotics for Jack although they believe it is a virus. Antibiotics of course do not help him then, but they still do it in case there is a bacteria that hasn't shown up in his blood counts. He is on his 4th day of blood cultures and nothing has shown up, so the believe it is a virus then.

Jack's little friend Allison is also there this weekend with her brother Ryan. They have been having a fun time playing. Jack has been missing his playtime SO much with other children.

The doctor said that the results of the bone marrow tests could be inaccurate with the virus in Jack's body. In which case, we don't want them done today.

I just heard from Mike !!! He said they will be discharged this morning. We want them to be on the road before the ice storm rolls in. Jack is still running a low grade fever of around 99.6. He is able to come home, but we will have to keep a close monitor on his temp.

They will reschedule for next Monday morning for the procedures.

There are 6 transplant kids in the hospital fighting the flu. The flu had also ran through the Ronald McD house. Poor little children...it is sad to see them go through this on top of everything else.

We keep Ryan and Jeramie in prayer also. We hope to see them going home soon !!

Thanks for checking in...have a wonderful day. :)

Saturday, January 27, 2001 at 07:34 AM (CST)

Good Morning ~

Jackson was admitted last night to Fairview. Mike brought him in around 8:00. He has been running a low grade temp. for 2 days now. Mike had brought Jack to the clinic yesterday. They checked Jack's blood counts, and will know today if something has cultured from them. They said if his temp. went over 100.5 that we would need to be admitted. It was around 102' last night. The memories of last summer and the battle that he went through, certainly showed that things can move quickly and do major harm.

We are trusting that it will be a short visit. We will know more today on what is happening and if this will change the plans for Monday at all.

The good news is, that Jack takes it all in stride. We held each other for about a half an hour before he left. We were waiting for the doctor to call back as to what floor to bring him to. We packed up his bags. He just put on his coat and said "good-bye momma". He is a very precious little man.

We put in a prayer request for Jack everytime he hits another obstacle...and everytime the Lord has seen him through.

We are trusting once again, that All is well.

Friday, January 26, 2001 at 07:59 AM (CST)

Good Morning to everyone~

We have had a busy time these last few days. Jackson developed a low grade temp. yesterday. He also was vomiting. We called in to the doctor immediately. It would appear that he has a slight case of the flu. I had it early last week, so we are thinking that he caught it from me. We have been on the phone numerous times to the doctor last night and this morning. It is staying at a low grade, which is good.
Considering what he went through last June, we are watching him very carefully. We will call back today at noon to see if Jack needs to go in for blood tests.

We also heard from the scheduling nurse yesterday. We are on schedule for Monday morning. 9:00 clinic , 10:30 admittance to the short stay unit, 12:30 OR - procedures.

We have to try very hard to keep him healthy. They will not do any procedures if he has congestion or fever.

We are trusting that the Lord will keep Jack safe and deliver him from this, as He has from all other obstacles along the way. He is faithful and true to His Promised Word. We owe Him everything. He owes us nothing...and yet He has let us keep our little boy here with us. It has become a very real knowledge of knowing that Jack is not so much my child, as he is His child. He created him. Our love for our children doesn't even compare to God's love for them, or for us all.

I wish you all a blessed day.

Wednesday, January 24, 2001 at 07:51 AM (CST)

Good Morning to everyone.

Just a quick note before we start the day. All is well here. Jackson is doing really good. It has been wonderful to see him improving so much these last few weeks. He seems a lot happier, and certainly has an abundance of energy ! That is good ! :)

We are on schedule for Monday morning at 9:00. We aren't sure as to what time our procedures are. The clinic didn't have it on the schedule yet, but they said it would be. We are trusting that everything will run right on time.

Jake went back to school today. He seems to be feeling better as well. He had a rough time on Monday. Today he has a little cough, but has been on antibiotics since his doctor appointment. The doctor said he could return today.

If you feel to remember in prayer...Jack has a little friend named Beau who is in transplant now. We also keep in prayer, Ryan and Jeramie...two other boys who have touched our hearts.

God bless.

CHECK OUT THE NEW PHOTO'S :)

Monday, January 22, 2001 at 07:13 PM (CST)

Hi to everyone !

Good news from the clinic this morning. Jack's doctor said he sounded fine. His blood counts today were normal. That was wonderful to hear !!! They have kept on schedule for next Monday morning. We will meet at the clinic at 9:00 a.m. and then move down to the short stay rooms for the day. We are very excited. It will be a big day for us all.

Jack took his bath last night and just cried about the bandage changes. It really is heart breaking to see him so sad. It seems like such a small issue, but it is a huge issue to him.

Jacob was up all night with a fever and coughing. We brought him to the doctor also today. He has walking pneumonia. He was so sick today. He will need to stay home tomorrow also.

It is always something I guess. I have to say we couldn't be more blessed though, and are truly thankful.

Have a great evening.

Friday, January 19, 2001 at 10:11 PM (CST)

I thought that I would write a brief summary of this last year, being as we have a quiet day here. Jackson still has quite a cough, and his eye problems continue. He needs total darkness in the house, so I feel it is mostly a sun light sensitivity problem. He is also having major mood swings coming off of this drug he has been on. We have been tapering the amount, and will continue through the end of February.

Here is my best recollection of events;

Summer of 1999 Jack had temperature spikes about once per month. They would go away by the next day. We thought he was catching little "bugs" from having daycare in our home,as it was common to pass things back and forth.

September 1999 Jack had his first episode of a high temp. extreme hip pain, and could not walk that day. We brought him in the next day, and he was fine. The doctor figured there was a virus that settled in his hip joint. Jack had become very cranky and irritable. A sign of leukemia we found out later.

October 1999 Another brief episode.

November 1999 Thanksgiving Day, Jack was very pale and sick. He had problems walking. I brought him in for tests. The doctor had said he would send in his blood work to Mpls. Children's. He said it looked like anemia, possibly leukemia.
We also found out that day that baby Joseph was on the way.
The next Monday, the doctor called me to his office to confirm the worst. I had Jack with and also his little daycare friend Mackenzie. We had to go home and call Mike at work to come home. We also had to tell Jess and Jake, which was very hard. We called the family too.
We were admitted the very next day to Children's.

January 2000- April 2000 continued chemotherapy. It went very well. The worst was towards the end with the high dose meds. The doctors found that Jack had the Philadelphia Chromosome. This makes the survival rate very low.

Easter 2000 went to Easter services and prayer for Jackson. We had an amazing time.

May 2000 went in for bone marrow transplant and they couldn't find any sign of the cancer. Doctors left in his Hickman line until we scheduled another date.

June 2000 Jack develpoed double pneumonia and staff infection from his hickman line. The good Lord spared his life. It was very bad. He had to have a tube put through his lung to drain the fluid, and a surgical procedure on his hip due to infected fluid.
He did not get out of bed for 3 weeks, and did not walk for 5 weeks.

Treatment for this infection lasted until August !

Baby Joe born on July 5, 2000.

Relapse of leukemia the end of July. We went back to Children's for treatment. it was quite devastating to hear the news.

August 9,2000 we took Jack in for a private prayer meeting this time. It was a special time...trusting that Jack's healing would be coming in God's Perfect time.

10/10/00 Bone Marrow transplant at Fairview University in room # 10. Big brother Jake was a perfect match donor !

October 30 Released from the hospital !! The doctor said the Jack had the "best case scenario" of recovery. Praise the Lord !

Home for the Holidays ~ Jack & Mike came home after reaching the 60 day minimum they would allow.

January 18, 2001 Our 100 day Milestone.

January 29, final bone marrow test yee-haa!

Thursday, January 18, 2001 at 12:23 PM (CST)

HIP-HIP HOORAY !!! IT'S JACKSON'S 100th DAY !!!

Wow...thought it would never be here. We are so excited ! We have talked about it forever, it seems. Jack has went through many hard days, and many sad days to get here. It is truly God's grace to us all. It is a hard road to recovery ,and Jack has came through amazingly well. Once again.

We will have a little cake later. Jack has been wanting cake all day, and he REALLY likes the candles. He calls them the "sticks with fire".

Jack is still coughing quite a bit, and we have also had the flu bug come in to our home. It has been a hectic week.

The clinic called yesterday, and they have rescheduled us for Monday the 29th. I am glad they finally figured it out. Our doctor will be in that day, so that is when it needs to be.

anyway...it's good to see that coming up soon. We are very thankful for Jack's recovery and for answered prayer.

We are also thankful for all of you who keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

Have a great day !!!

Tuesday, January 16, 2001 at 11:01 AM (CST)

Good Morning to everyone~

Great news from the clinic !!!

Jackson's blood counts were super today. They were almost double of last week. His white cell count was 6700. His hemoglobin was 10.4. His platelets were 259,000. His chest cold seems better. He is still coughing, but not as bad.

They also were in question of what our date is for his "final" biopsy. They had told us the 29th last week. Today they said the 22nd looked like the day. The sooner the better for us.

We are SO excited !!!

Jack has always been so concerned about his "cord". He will be thrilled to have this done with. It will be wonderful to be able to take a bath, or play with out constantly having to worry about it being pulled out.

We are looking forward to moving forward !!

Have a wonderful day ! Thank you, as always, for you love and prayers.

God bless.

Saturday, January 13, 2001 at 06:57 AM (CST)

Good Morning to everyone~

Just a quick update on Jackson. We called in to the clinic again yesterday morning, and they had us bring him right in.

They were concerned about his coughing and wanted to check it before the weekend. They checked his blood counts, and they had went down a bit...but are still okay. They said that his chest sounded fine. They also took a chest x-ray. They thought that it appeared to be slightly abnormal...hopefully just scar tissue.

Mike picked up the antibiotics last night and he will bring Jack back in on Tuesday morning for another check up.

He was a little more tired yesterday. He still has good energy though :) playing and running around !!!!!!!

Thank you to everyone for your thoughts and prayers.

Have a great weekend !

Happy Birthday to you, Bonnie Sue!!!!!!!! :)

Friday, January 12, 2001 at 06:40 AM (CST)

Good Morning !

Jack has been up for quite some time. He and Joey are already very busy playing.

Jack had caught a cold the other day. Jess and baby Joe each had one also. We try hard to keep sanitary here, but it is not very easy sometimes. The older children can pick up just about anything being out in the school and activities.

Jackson's has went to a barking cough...it isn't good. We called in to the hospital last night, and have to call again this morning. They told us yesterday morning to treat his as we "normally" would...but last night when we called back, they advised against cough syrup. Needless to say, he coughed all night.

They only will admit the children if there is a fever, which Jack doesn't have. So that is good!!!!!!!!!

We are trusting that this to will pass and Jack will get the healing in his body that he needs.

Have a wonderful day!

Wednesday, January 10, 2001 at 08:52 AM (CST)

Wishing a wonderful day to all~

I thought I would write a brief update on Jackson's schedule.

We found out that our 100 day tests have been moved to the 29th. Our doctor will be out of town or something, so they rescheduled. So I guess that would be day 111. Jack will have his bone marrow biopsy, a lumbar punture(spinal tap) both checking for leukemia cells. He will also have his Hickman line pulled that day.

We have to call into the clinic everyday to report on his rash condition. They have taken him off of his 3 hour IV meds per day, to wait and see what develops. The nurse said that there are over 100 possibilities of what it could be, and perhaps nothing to do with shingles. After being on meds for that for over a month, that is a little odd but true.

Jack does look a lot better though. The rash has cleared a little, but his problem seems to be with his eyes. We are not sure what that is at this point, but trusting that it will all be healed soon.

Jake started wrestling last night, and Jess has her first nightly basketball game this week. Baby Joe is rolling all around the living room now, and getting into all kinds of situations. And Jack....is perfectly 3! Very independent. He has also taken a liking to cappucino:) We are not quite sure what to do about that. He loves to do "business" with Mike & I. He has a little laptop and lots of paper and pens. It is cute to watch. Children sure do catch every detail of what we do in a day.

A special Happy Birthday wish to Grandma Bonnie today !!! She will stop in after work to visit.

Tomorrow is Grandpa Randy's Birthday....and special wishes to him also !!!

Lots of love to them...and to you all. We certainly appreciate those who visit us here, and we thank you SO much for signing in the guestbook. It has been a great source of encouragement for our family.

God bless.

Monday, January 08, 2001 at 01:18 PM (CST)

Good Afternoon~

Jackson had his clinic appointment this morning. It went pretty good.

Jack is still having some breakouts on his face. They don't seem to be improving as they should. The doctor called the dermatologist, and they think that perhaps it is not even shingles at this point. They don't know what it is. They are taking him off of his IV meds, and are going to wait and see what happens.

Jack's blood counts were still not in the normal range, but they are improving. His hemoglobin is the highest it has been in a long time. It was 10.1 today. His white cell count was 5600. His platelets were at 179,000.

We are at day 90 today !!! He will go back in for a check-up next Tuesday. On Monday the 22nd he will have a bone marrow biopsy, a lumbar puncture(spinal tap), and have his Hickman line pulled.

We are all moved out of our apartment, and trying to adjust back at home. It is very busy...but we wouldn't want it any other way.

We are so very thankful.

Sunday, January 07, 2001 at 05:04 PM (CST)

Good Evening to all~

Just a quick note before supper. All is well here today. Jack is having a good day. His shingles are about the same. It seems as though new ones pop out daily, but the meds appear to be keeping them under control. We are still at 3 hours per day of IV meds.

Jack will have his clinic appointment tomorrow morning. They will check his blood counts and evaluate his progress. Hopefully we will be able to see our doctor. We haven't been able to meet with him for weeks.

His hemoglobin and white cell counts have been running low...due to fighting this virus.

I will update after our appointment.

Also...keeping Jeramie and family in our thoughts and prayers.

Friday, January 05, 2001 at 08:40 PM (CST)

Good Evening~

We are having a quiet night at home. Jack is playing in his kitchen. Baby Joe is asleep. Jacob is getting ready for our game night and malts ! Jess is at her friends for the night. She has her first basketball tournament of the season tomorrow morning. We are looking forward to the season, as she is likes it a lot. Jake will start his wrestling on Tuesday night.

We have had a super busy day. Jack seems to be doing better with his shingle breakouts, but his irritability is right up there tonight.

Every 3 days Mike & I have to change his dressing bandages on his hickman. Believe me when I say it takes both of us to do this! He has a lot of strength for a 3 year old in recovery !!! It is usually done on bath night, which is also an issue. He associates the bath and bandage changes, as it is, so he is very defiant about it. He screams that it hurts. I am sure after having a large bandage in the same spot for 4 months, it would be sore to take off every 3 days. It will be WONDERFUL to be done with that part of it.

Our clinic appointment is Monday morning. It is a good feeling to see that 100 day mark approaching.

Enjoy the weekend. God bless.

Thursday, January 04, 2001 at 06:31 AM (CST)

Good Morning to everyone~

I finally updated the photo album. I hope that you enjoy the new ones. Jack sure likes to have his picture taken.

It has been a quiet few days...for a change. Jack is still on 3 hours a day of very strong IV meds to control the shingles. He will go back to clinic next Monday morning. We are at day 86 today. When we hit day 100, if everything is going well, then we won't need weekly visits to the doctor. We will then go for checkups at Mpls. Childrens Hospital again. We won't be back to Fairview until his 1 year checkup. We have a wonderful doctor at the Children's hospital too...Dr. Bruce Bostrum.

We truly are thankful that Jack is doing so well. I know that it is hard for some people to understand why we have had a peace about this. We put Jack's life in God's Hands from the very beginning. I would love to write his whole testimony someday, as it has inspired us and strengthened our faith tremendously!

When we brought Jack in for prayer, we knew that somehow every thing would be alright. God's power to heal is not hindered by modern medicine. We have tried to just walk in The Light, and the Lord has led us through this in a very strong way. It is so amazing to me...how real and alive He is. How much He loves us all. How He really does see all, and know all. How He will be right there to help you , lead you and guide you...if we only let Him.

It has been nothing less then a miracle. We only have to believe.

If you would feel to, please remember another little boy named Jeramie in prayer...that he will stay strong through these battles. Thank you.

Tuesday, January 02, 2001 at 12:38 PM (CST)

Good Afternoon~

Jack had his clinic appointment this morning. He is having some lower blood counts due to his shingles virus. It has been a hard battle for him to try to fight these. He was having some eye problems this weekend. We have kept our house as dark as possible for his eyes as they have been really sensitive. It brings back memories of dealing with chemo therapy and all of the side effects that we went through.

Jack was looking at his photo album last night, of our last year. Many of the pictures made him very concerned, and even sad seeing himself...just remembering the pain of the whole process. He said "this is when I couldn't see my family...and my heart was sad".

We used to sing that song from Disney's Tarzan...You'll be in my heart...no matter what they say...you'll be here in my heart, always...ALWAYS.

I hope to have my film back today of these last few weeks. He has been so much happier and back to how he was early this last summer...more childlike as he should be. I will add the photo's to this page as soon as I can. Jack looks so different with his hair coming in. It is very dark. The medicine that the children go on after transplant makes their hair grow very long. He will be on it for 2 more months. The hair will eventually go back to normal after the medicine is done.

They had a chance to see some of the other families again this morning. Jack's little friend Beau goes in tomorrow to prepare for transplant. He has the exact same as Jackson...

Every night Jackson prays. Every night he asks God to bless all of the sick kids...in Jesus Name.

Saturday, December 30, 2000 at 07:09 AM (CST)

Good Morning to everyone ~

81 days post transplant today.

I can't even begin to express how truly thankful we are for Jackson's recovery and for his healing. There are so many kids that don't do well...so many that don't make it this far. Many that never leave the hospital. Many children that can't walk or talk or see, after their transplant. Many that have passed away in this last year...and these last few months. Many children that have little hope for survival. There is always HOPE, When the Great Physician comes on the scene. I am very humbled by the Lord's grace and mercy upon us. I had promised that when Jack's healing came, I would share it with every one that I could.

Expect that Miracle. As it was spoken.

Thursday, December 28, 2000 at 05:59 AM (CST)

Good Morning~

Well, we made our official move home last night. Mike spent the whole afternoon up the apartment, cleaning and getting things packed up. It is amazing how many things you accumulate after 3 months. I have mixed emotions...we met a lot of nice people at the Ronald McD house. The kids have very special friendships there also. We had thought it was time to get out. There are so many families on the waiting list to get in...just as we were.

Jack will be back in the clinic next Tuesday morning. His counts were improved this week, but still not where they need to be. He does have a few shingles breaking out by his eye again. He takes his daily medicine in a very loud way! He can't stand it. We have seen other kids do it themselves, just drinking it down...not Jack. He is a fighter all the way.

Jess and Jake are still up north. They love it up there at the cabin. We hope to make a family weekend up there as soon as Jack reaches that 100 day mark and gets his hickman line out.

Jackson called Grandma Cindy yesterday to wish her a Happy Birthday. He sang and played his harmonica to her. It was very sweet. Her picture was in the Amery paper. We had planned it for the Clear Lake one, but I missed the deadline.

I hear a big snow is rolling in. I had plans to meet all of the friends from high school today. They each have been so kind to this family. I sure do love them all.

I wish you all a Wonderful and blessed day.

Tuesday, December 26, 2000 at 08:04 PM (CST)

Good Evening ~

I hope that everyone had a very special Christmas. Our's was relaxing, and very blessed. It is humbling to have so many kind hearted and giving people around us...sharing their love.

Jack had his clinic appointment early this morning. They were only doing blood counts today, as all the doctors were out...vacation I guess. He will go back next Tuesday. We don't know when his Hickman will be taken out. It has been postponed quite a few times due to his medication for shingles. Jack is having a hard time with them still showing up. All of his blood counts were good though, and his white cell count is better.

Jess and Jake are back up north and the wee ones are sleeping. Mike & I are trying to keep on top of this whirlwind of life around us...I hear people say to us all the time about us being so calm with every thing going on with Jackson. I can only say the truth of it is...God's grace. I would be in hysteria without Him. I feel like He has walked us through this whole test of faith. The darkest hour....then Jesus comes along.

We have talked to many parents feeling the same faith and hope. So many times these children have NO hope with the medical treatment, but we have seen that the days of miracles have not passed. All things are possible...only believe.

December 27th is Grandma Cynthia's 50th Birthday. A Happy Birthday wish to her !!

Sunday, December 24, 2000 at 05:43 AM (CST)

Greetings to all ~

A beautiful Sunday morning. I am thinking of the day ahead of us, and it brings so many different emotions. Christmas Eve has always been a special time. It brings remembrances of so many special people...and The Most Special of All, Our Lord Jesus Christ.

We had our family get together last night at Tom & Heather Anderson's. I went with Jessie & Jake. Mike stayed home with Jackson & Joe. We had thought ALL day about bringing the whole family..as we really wanted to...but with Jack's white cell count down, we decided to keep him home. It was a wonderful time. Grandma Cindy, Wally, Aaron & KariAnn, and Tom's family of course all were there. It was so good to see them.

The kids are getting excited about today. We plan to have our own little family time. Jess & I have planned a little party in her living room downstairs. We have a tree down there that they have decorated, so it will be fun...and perhaps they will play a few of their Christmas songs on the piano.

Mike will take the kids to celebrate with his family tonight. It is different taking turns going, but we do what we have to.

Jack will have a clinic appointment Tuesday morning. It will be a check up this week, and a meeting with Dr. Wagner. We are looking forward to January 18th. Our 100 day milestone. They will do another bone marrow biopsy that day.

How thankful we are for this Christmas blessing of being home with the family, for good health, peace in our hearts...and for Jackson's healing! What a wonderful gift, to get those test results back of no sign of leukemia or the Philadelphia chromosome.

Wishing you all a Blessed Christmas !

Friday, December 22, 2000 at 08:46 PM (CST)

Good Evening ~

I hope that you all had an excellent day ! Our's was Wonderful. Jack had his check up this morning. His blood work showed that his white count is dropping, which was due to his shingles. We will have to keep as sanitary as possible...it keeps us on our toes a little trying to keep our house clean. Jack has been like a little tornado ever since he came home. :) It is nice to see him having fun though.

The nurse coordinator called this afternoon...twice actually. She wanted to tell us that Jack's results from his bone marrow test and Philadelphia Chromosome both came back NEGATIVE. Praise the Lord!

A little Christmas blessing she said.

Jack will have another test on January 18th...looking for the same.

Jess & Jake are with grandpa Paul & grandma Bonnie for the night. The wee ones are sleeping.

We had Tom Engebretson stop in tonight to spread Christmas cheer...and our friend Andrea Peters stopped by...I think she must've mistaken herself for the guy in the red suit. :) And SO happy to hear from Randy & Lori Wirth on the guest book. They have been very kind to us also. How blessed we are to have such dear friends...and for you all.

We are hoping to get together with Grandma Cynthia and families tomorrow !

Our wish for you all...may your weekend be blessed.

Wednesday, December 20, 2000 at 09:06 AM (CST)

Good Morning ~

Mike will take the kids to celebrate with his family tonight. It is different taking turns going, but we do what we have to.

Jack will have a clinic appointment Tuesday morning. It will be a check up this week, and a meeting with Dr. Wagner. We are looking forward to January 18th. Our 100 day milestone. They will do another bone marrow biopsy that day.

How thankful we are for this Christmas blessing of being home with the family, for good health, peace in our hearts...and for Jackson's healing! What a wonderful gift, to get those test results back of no sign of leukemia or the Philadelphia chromosome.

Wishing you all a Blessed Christmas !

Friday, December 22, 2000 at 08:46 PM (CST)

Wednesday, December 20, 2000 at 09:06 AM (CST)

Good Morning ~

I thought I would try to update a little earlier today. We have been having problems getting the updates to show up this last week...and so have some of the other parents. We also had our server upgrade, and it hasn't worked good ever since. :)

Jack & Mike came home yesterday morning. Jack brought home a beautiful snowman that he made in craft class at the Ronald House. He said his "friend" helped him. It is very cute, and he hung it on the tree.

We are trying to get ready for Christmas. Jake has his school program tomorrow. Grandma Cindy will come sit with Jack so that Mike & I can go. Last year we missed all the programs, and it really broke my heart. I don't know what we would do without the grandma's to help out. They have been a wonderful support.

We are trying to plan a day next week to go see our friends at the Ronald House. We have become very close to them. It will be hard to say good bye.

Jack is scheduled to go back to the doctor Friday morning. He will just have a check up...blood work, etc. I will update then, if not before.

I would like to add a special Thank You to our friends & family that have always been there for us. Your notes, cards, phone calls, gifts, food, Christmas tree's.(4) :) We have a few families that have been so kind to us. What a blessing you have been. Our prayer has always been that the Lord would bless each of you for your kind heart. He see's all, and He know's all.

I also am thinking today of Kelly Yocum who gave her all to run a marathon in Dublin, Ireland...in honor of Jack. That is love.

Enjoy the day ! Thank you for checking in.

Monday, December 18, 2000 at 08:31 PM (CST)

Good Evening~

I guess that winter has arrived ! Talk about a pretty snow fall...and another plowing on the drive way. A special thank you to Tom Engebretson & Mike Swant for coming yesterday for snow removal. :) We really appreciate your kindness to us always.

Mike took Jack back to the Ronald House yesterday to keep him safe from the cold. They had an early clinic appointment today.

Jack was scheduled once again to have his Hickman line removed, but it couldn't come out today. Jack has developed his shingles rash to his cheek and eye area..and a little on his chin as of this morning. The doctor has put him back on IV meds to control this. It is very painful I hear, and it makes Jack VERY irritable. He seems to deal with everything in stride though...he is a little trooper, for sure.

Jack will have clinic again on Friday morning, and then go in later next week.

Hey ! GOOD NEWS !!! The doctor told Mike this morning that Jack's bone marrow test showed that he has 100% of his donor in his marrow...which of course is Jacob's. That is exactly what they want. Some transplants fail to engraft, so that was a good sign to them.

Jake is watching football. Jess is at a concert. Baby Joe is sleeping peacefully.

I wish you all a peaceful night also. God bless.

Sunday, December 17, 2000 at 07:18 AM (CST)

Good Sunday Morning to you all~

It is a cool morning here...just about -5' right now, but Mike is getting the fire going again.

We had a good weekend. Jack is having a busy morning already...doing a little laundry and cooking in his little play area. Baby Joe is helping him.

Mike and Jack will go to the clinic appointment in the morning. I trust every thing will be good. Jack is acting like he feels better. He had a few down days this week. The doctor said that most transplant patients go up and down a lot. It takes about 1 year to fully recover.

Jack gets very emotional. There are so many changes going on in his body. We can only imagine what he feels like. The shingles have shown up on his face a little bit. He is taking a mass amount of meds for it, and I believe it is keeping under control.

Jake's team won both of his BB games yesterday. Jake made a few points also. He was SO excited that his Dad could go this time. Jess has been busy working on a school project. Mike has been making venison jerky.

We have a lot to be thankful for. It is such a blessing to be home together. I couldn't even begin to express. A few people have been making comments about our love for the Lord...good and bad I might add. I would just like to express to you all, that our doctor said that Jack's type of cancer has a low survival rate and that Jack did NOT get to where he is today from the medical treatments alone. They don't see children go through this and be as Jack is today. It has been amazing.

As we go to our Christmas programs, and get togethers, may we all remember Who He is.
How could it be anything but right to give Him thanks and praise.

Friday, December 15, 2000 at 10:02 AM (CST)

Good Morning to you all ~

I apologize for not updating sooner. Perhaps I will update every other day. Jack's schedule has settled down..but our life has become more busy ! I sure appreciate every one checking in. It is a great source of comfort and encouragement to our family.

Jack is doing great !! We are enjoying being home together...as a FAMILY. He loves to see Jess & Jake get on the school bus in the morning. Jack says "I just little"....so he can't go. He loves to play with baby Joe all day...help his papa..and wants mom to cook with him. Well...we all know how easy cooking with a 3 year old is. :)

We have clinic on Monday morning. The doctor will check his blood counts, and check his shingles, and probably pull out his Hickman line. That will be nice. Jack is so worried about us messing with "his cord". We have daily heparin locks to do in them. He has a wide assortment of oral meds that he hates. He screams "let me go !!" and "it's not fair !" I don't know if he figured those out on his own, or heard the other children.

Today we are doing some baking, and the never ending cleaning. Tomorrow is Jake's last BB game...and then on to Jessie's, starting the first of the year. They both had their musical recitals/concerts this past week. They did very well.

Life is very good....and we are so thankful.
We really couldn't be more blessed.

Have a great day.

Tuesday, December 12, 2000 at 03:22 PM (CST)

WHAT A WONDERFUL DAY....JACKSON BEN, CAME HOME TO STAY !! A blessed day indeed.

The doctor said that Jack is doing wonderful, and that he is very pleased. He gave us permission to take Jack home because we are within the time radius of the hospital. If we were any farther away, we would have to stay the full 100 days. Jack will not be discharged until we reach our 100 days...on January 18th.

Jack had his bone marrow biopsy yesterday...and all is well. He will need another one in January. They are looking for leukemia cells.

Our doctor has given Jack a 50% chance of survival after this tranplant...due to this certain type of leukemia.

We have put our faith in the Lord, and trust that it is all in His Hands. Hebrews 13:8 states that Jesus Christ is the same yesterday. today and forever. If we believe any thing that the Bible speaks of, then we have to believe EVERY Word. If Jesus was The Healer then, He is the Healer today. We believe it with all of our hearts. That is where we put our faith.

Have a wonderful evening.

Monday, December 11, 2000 at 07:53 PM (CST)

Greetings to all ! Thank you for signing on...hope you had a wonderful day.

Jack had a very long day. He met with the doctor at 9:30 this morning, and prepared for his bone marrow biopsy, and lumbar puncture. He was scheduled to go to the OR at 12:30...but he didn't make it in there until 3:00. Every thing went pretty good. The doctor was very upset by the fact that he put the needle through the wrong place and had to do it again. ouch.

Jack's blood counts were very good. Hemoglobin is still a little low. Jack will not go back to clinic until next Monday.

Mike, Jack & Grandma Cindy came back to the apartment around 6:00...just in time for "taco night" ! Jack will not come home today...too late, and too cold !!! YIKES.

The Hickman line will be left in for another week due to antibiotic treatments...the port was not put in as scheduled...yea !

We will know the tests results tomorrow.
Our doctor is very pleased. He said Jack was doing better today then anyone else on the floor.

It was a day of prayer and a day of answered prayer. I am in awe of The Almighty God. He is good.

Sunday, December 10, 2000 at 08:46 PM (CST)

Good Evening ~

Jack was home to visit yesterday. We had a really nice day. Every day is like "family fun day " :)
we have missed being together SO much. I hope it goes that smoothly when we all move back in together again !

It is going to be quite different being back in that isolation once again. Jack is used to it, as he has had to be isolated for over a year now, off and on. I think it is the rest of us that will have to adjust. We are so used to going where ever we feel, and now it comes down to Jack's health....which is the most important. I trust that every one will understand.

Tomorrow is a big day for Jack and us all.
Jack has clinic at 9:00 a.m, and then a meeting with the doctor, and then is scheduled for a bone marrow biopsy...a Lumbar puncture(spinal tap), Hickman line removal at 12:30. It will be a long day, as he cannot eat at all until after surgery.
He is also scheduled for a 1 1/2 hour procedure of putting in a port under his skin. He has had one of these before, but it was removed when it became infected in late July with the staph.

Jessie, Jake & I have been cleaning the house...disinfecting...and also decorated to make the house ready for a holiday celebration. Jack talked a little bit last night about a Birthday party for Jesus. He hasn't figured out who santa is...but he knows who Jesus is. In a world of lost people, I'm so happy Jack has that Light in his little heart.

I will update tomorrow. Thank you for keeping this family in prayer. God sees all and knows all.

Friday, December 08, 2000 at 06:29 PM (CST)

Good Evening ~

Funny thing...I updated this earlier and I don't see it coming up on the journal..so I will apologize now just in case it shows up somewhere.

We had a really good day here. Jack had clinic this morning. All of his blood counts were excellent. His hemoglobin is a little low, but has been holding.

Jack will need to be on medication for his shingles for the next 2 months ! He also has a few days of the E.coli meds. He sure does hate to take meds !

We are looking forward to Monday, and are very excited about the thought of us all being home.

I wanted to say how thankful that we are for his recovery and healing. Every day is a miracle to me. We see so many children going down hill every day. Jack is doing amazingly well, and not for one minute will I ever let that go over my thinking.

On the average...one out of ten children do not survive the transplant process. We have had 3 children pass there since our stay started. This has nothing to do with the original diagnosis...it is from the transplant and the complications that follow.

We all must learn to value each day, and to keep our priorities straight.

I have to say how much encouragement and joy that we receive from your guestbook messages. Thank you SO much to all of you for taking time out of your busy day...to join in ours.

God bless.

Friday, December 08, 2000 at 05:59 PM (CST)

Good evening ~

Today was a really good day. Jack had clinic this morning. His blood counts were excellent.

The doctor said that Jack needs to be on medication for his shingles for the next 2 months ! He will also have a few more days of antibiotics for the E.coli. everything else looks good.

I can not express how thankful I am for his recovery and healing. We hear every day of another case going down hill, and there have been 3 children that have passed on since we've been there...all from complications of transplant. I think the average is one in 10 or so will not survive.

I know that some people are not comfortable being around this type of situation. We are SO thankful for those of you who have taken your time to check on Jack. The kindness and love that has been shown to us has truly touched our lives.

It has become a reality check once again for us, to keep our priorities straight.
Tomorrow is not always here...TODAY is where we must live. I don't know why it takes us so long to figure that one out.

I have found that the messages left on this site have brought great encouragement and joy to us here. Thank you so much.

I hope that you all have a wonderful weekend. Jack will be home tomorrow to visit !! Yea !

Thursday, December 07, 2000 at 07:35 PM (CST)

Good Evening ~

Thank you for checking in...we had a really good day, and hope that you did also.

Jack, baby Joe, Mike & I went to visit Grandma Engebretson today. We wanted Jack to be able to see her before her big winter trip to Texas. He always likes it at "Grandma Cindy's mothers house".

We also ran a few errands. Jack is unable to get out into the crowds, but he enjoyed the ride anyway.

He is feeling much better today, and is looking great. His hair is coming in nice, although it seems a little darker. His shingles are healing also. Things are going well.

Tomorrow morning is clinic again. It has become the morning meeting place of all the Ronald McD parents. We are all in the same boat. It is a family of sorts, and a good support system. I know that it is hard for people who haven't been in this type of situation to even begin to understand, but I guess that is the same with all of us...in any given circumstance. To walk that mile in another's shoes...

Wednesday, December 06, 2000 at 05:22 PM (CST)

Good Evening ~

Today was a quiet day. Not too much to report. Jack has spent his day with a
few friends that he has made at the Ronald McD house. They have a wonderful play room there for the kids. He likes to play with the train set village.

Last night we all watched Rudolph. It was Jack's first time to see that, and he liked it a lot. Tonight is BINGO night...yes, that's right...and they have super prizes !
Jake & I had a really fun time the last time
we played.

The shingles on his bottom are healing some, but he really is just wanting to rest. Hopefully tomorrow he will feel better.

The earliest anyone has ever been sent home after a bone marrow tranplant was 60 days they told us. Jack will be hitting that mark this weekend. Our doctor said that Jack has been a best case scenario on his recovery and will most likely be able to come home on Monday. They still set their 100 day mark for us to reach. I think our's is January 18th. We are so excited !

It has been a long time since our little family has been together.

We are so thankful to have Jack doing well.
The doctors have done a wonderful job, but we know that there is only One Healer, and we thank Him with all of our heart.

Tuesday, December 05, 2000 at 01:12 PM (CST)

Good Afternoon ~

Today is post-transplant day 56. We are doing well, just trying to keep warm.

Brother Tom and his little Trey stopped over. That was a very nice surprise ! We really miss seeing the family. The kids will be so happy when we can all get together again.

Jackson had clinic this morning. His blood counts were excellent ! All within the normal range.

Our obstacle for the day is a case of shingles on his bottom. He is pain, and is irritable...as I am sure we all would be.

There as so many issues that come about with a weakened immune system. I hear a lot of problems with this complex of viruses; shingles, chicken pox, cold sores. He will be on treatment for this, and is still on an IV antibiotic for his E.Coli.

All of these viruses are in our bodies at all times, but the weakened systems cannot fight them.

We have another check up this week, and then move forward to a big day on Monday. Jack is scheduled for a few procedures that day. I will update on that as it nears.

We are trusting that "all is well".

Have a wonderful day...May it be blessed.

Tuesday, December 05, 2000 at 01:12 PM (CST)

Good Afternnon ~

Today is post-transplant day 56. We are doing well, just trying to keep warm.

Brother Tom and his little Trey stopped over. That was a very nice surprise ! We really miss seeing the family. The kids will be so happy when we can all get together again.

Jackson had clinic this morning. His blood counts were excellent ! All within the normal range.

Our obstacle for the day is a case of shingles on his bottom. He is pain, and is irritable...as I am sure we all would be.

There as so many issues that come about with a weakened immune system. I hear a lot of problems with this complex of viruses; shingles, chicken pox, cold sores. He will be on treatment for this, and is still on an IV antibiotic for his E.Coli.

All of these viruses are in our bodies at all times, but the weakened systems cannot fight them.

We have another check up this week, and then move forward to a big day on Monday. Jack is scheduled for a few procedures that day. I will update on that as it nears.

We are trusting that "all is well".

Have a wonderful day...May it be blessed.

Monday, December 04, 2000 at 07:43 PM (CST)

Good Evening ~

I meant to update this earlier. We had a very special day here...Jessie Nicole's 13th birthday. Our family was all together for supper for the first time in months.

Jack was thrilled to be here today. We made Jess a cake & cupcakes too(they were for Jack). Jack held the mixer and that was a very important job.

Jack will have clinic in the morning. We have a few little issues to check up. Hopefully nothing . His hair and his eyebrows are coming in. They look so dark. He has very beautiful eyes.

We gave Jess a camera as one of her gifts, so we marked the evening with instant photo's of Mom, Dad, Jake, Jack, Joe...also Grandma Cindy stopped over and our friend Andrea came by too. It was a great day.

We hope that you all had a blessed day too.

Sunday, December 03, 2000 at 05:00 PM (CST)

Good evening to you all ~

I just returned home from our "little house"...Jack calls it that. We had a really nice time this weekend. Jack just loves when we all get together..well, we all love it of course. He said Joey's here ! Jacob's here ! well, where is Sissy ?? :) Jess was up North.

The kids have made a lot of friends at the Ronald McD House. Jake has a really good friend there. He is from New Jersey. There are a lot of kids there in Jack's age group also.

Jack had clinic today. His blood counts were excellent ! we are very happy about that. He has had no fever either, and is doing pretty good. Jack and Mike will come home to visit tomorrow . It will be a special time.

As I mentioned yesterday, it was little Trey's birthday today...we miss the little cousin's a lot. What a fun day that will be when everyone can get together and just play !

Donna and Larry Amundson just stopped by. They have been so wonderful to us and very supportive...so a special thank you to them.

Have a great evening !

Saturday, December 02, 2000 at 01:58 PM (CST)

Good Afternoon ! It sure is a beautiful day here...hope you all are enjoying the same. We are off to spend some family time together.

We just came home from Jake's basketball game. He had 2 in a row today. They were nail biters !! Excellent. They tied the first one, going into over time, and still tied. 2nd game...lost by one. Jess is up at the cabin with Grandma Bonnie.

Mike said Ronald McD came to visit today, and brought cheeseburgers for everyone ! I am sorry I missed it...they are good. Jack didn't go down this time to see him. It was nap time.

Jack is doing so well recovering from the E.Coli. That is such a blessing. His blood counts have improved a lot, and he is very well today !!

Tomorrow is little cousin Trey's 2nd Birthday ! so a very Happy Birthday to him.
Also, many wonderful remembrances of Grandpa Tom. I can't believe it has been 12 years already. I know that he would sure get a kick out of all of these little cousins running around.

Bless you all. We thank you for joining us today. :)

Friday, December 01, 2000 at 04:36 PM (CST)

Day 52 post transplant. Today has been a very good day ! Jack was discharged last night to his "little House" he calls it. He was so excited to be back there and with his toys ! Mike said Jack needed to get his cars and then eat a bowl of cereal right away.

Jack went in this morning to the clinic for a check up. Jack used to cry when we had to go..through the entire exam. Mike said that Jack was very brave today and didn't cry at all. All of his blood counts were wonderful. He never did get that blood transfusion...his hemoglobin level went back up on it's own. He will have to go in on Sunday again.

The doctors have put him on IV antibiotics until Dec. 10. Our bone marrow biopsy is scheduled for the 11th. We are going in expecting the doctors to find nothing.
Always expecting that Miracle.

"With men it is impossible, but not with God; for with God all things are possible."
Mark 10:27

Only Believe.

Thursday, November 30, 2000 at 10:15 AM (CST)

Good Morning ! Today is day 51 after transplant. We have to reach our 100 day mark before the doctors consider any bone marrow tranplant successful, so we are one day over half way there.

One year ago today we entered for treatment at Mpls. Children's. I had just found out baby Joe was on the way. Time sure does go by quickly.

I read a quote one time....You can either go through life thinking that nothing is a miracle, or you can go through life recognizing that EVERYTHING is a miracle. If you look at the birth of a child, to the healing of our bodies, to a flower growing back every year with vibrant color.

I look at everything that has happened in Jackson's life, as nothing less then a miracle...one after another. God is very good, and gracious and loving and kind. To us all !

It was just 2 days ago Jack was on 24 hour supervision. He had a very bad bug they said. Today they have said perhaps they will release him. The bacteria has not shown up again. He has had no temp. He is out of bed and very active as usual.

The doctors will release him with a 14 day antibiotic. We have found out that we need to get rid of all our plants...and our beautiful Christmas tree this year, but we can't wait to be all together again.

Jess will be thirteen on Monday. Last year we missed being with her...and so this year is a very special time for us all. We couldn't be more blessed.

Life is good. Have a Wonderful day. God bless you.

Wednesday, November 29, 2000 at 10:56 AM (CST)

Good Morning ! I spoke with Mike this morning and he said Jack must be feeling better, as he was starting to get a little rebellious. Jack told the nurse that she could not take his temperature today. He told her no. Mike was joking and said if you don't be nice and let the nurse check your temperature, your going to have to turn around so papa can swat your bottom...so Jack turned around ! :) He said no temperature ! He is quite the little man. Very precious. Well...his papa could never swat his bottom anyway.

Jack's blood counts are doing very well. He might need to transfuse some red blood though, as they take so much blood from him daily that his hemoglobin has dropped again.

The Lord has kept him safe, and we are truly thankful.

Please remember Sean's family in prayer today...the little boy in the room next to Jack...Sean passed last evening. It is something how our heart can love so many people we have never met.

Tuesday, November 28, 2000 at 05:56 PM (CST)

Great News !!! Jack has made major improvements today...we are very thankful. He no longer has a fever. He has been taken off his heart medicine that they were giving him. His blood pressure has stabilized ! The last reading was 94/54. A lot better then yesterday. He is no longer on 24 hour staff supervision. A good day!
They have found the bacteria specific. E Coli. They said it was nothing we did or could've prevented. It is a very fragile time after transplant, as any little thing can cause a problem. Jack has been resting all day.
They are looking at a 14 day antibiotic treatment, and at least 7 days in the hospital.
If you would please remember in your prayers a boy named Sean in the room next to Jack. Thank you.

Tuesday, November 28, 2000 at 07:35 AM (CST)

Jackson was admitted to Fairview again on Sunday evening. He was home for the day visiting. Mike and him had planned to go back to our apartment at the Ronald McDonald House later on. Jack developed a rising temp. We rushed his things in order, and Mike brought him right in. His blood work shows that he has a gram negative bacteria bug. He will be on antibiotics for 14 days. His blood pressure has been running very low, bottoming out at 75/19. Jack has 24 hour staff nurse supervision until he improves with his blood pressure and heart rate. We will know more today. Last I spoke with them last night, Jack and his Dad were watching the Packer game.

Tuesday, November 28,2000 at 7:27AM(CST)

This morning I thought that I would add a few entries of events from this last year, as this web page is coming along one year after diagnosis.

Thanksgiving 1999
Jackson spiked a high temp. and was having trouble walking. This had also
occured in September. I had brought him in to the doctor then, and it was diagnosed as a virus that settled in his hip joint. We have an excellent doctor in Cumberland. I am pretty sure that Jack was his first childhood leukemia case. When we were back in the day after Thanksgiving, our doctor said that is was something more serious...hopefully anemia, but possibly leukemia. After Jack's blood work was done, it was confirmed. ALL- acute lymphoblastic leukemia.

Jack & I went home, we called the family in. We were off the next morning for a 3 week stay at Mpls. Children's Hospital.

Click here to go back to the main page.

----End of History----