History

Journal History

Sunday, November 24, 2013 2:31 PM CST

It's beginning to feel like the Holiday season is here Finally! the weather has been really nice. Happy Thanks Giving! I love you!

Monday, March 25, 2013 9:31 PM CDT

As I saw myself... here about 7 years ago... I am sorry that it has come to this .. but I am glad we are here to help... you both know what I mean.. I love you dearly and miss you more... please help us to continue to guide him in the right direction on the path you had hoped.. until we see each other again.. we will do our best

Tuesday, February 5, 2013 9:45 PM CST

2 years since I have posted... though I do come here often, I have the need to write to you tonight... Aunt Linda passed away...well duh you already know this... I got flowers from work today, when I thought that I was handling it ok it all came rushing back... I miss her...I still feel the ache in my heart from our fight... as I have for the time that has passed, though I know she heard me and understood.. I just still feel the sister fight like I can call her and have it out and it would all be ok... she was my big sister and I loved her dearly.. though we may not have agreed on most things in life ... we were always able to talk and hug.. this is no longer the case...

Feb 5th 2013 how the time has passed I have stood still in my sorrow.. I don't let anyone in ... I am angry all the time... I go to work come home and do it all over again...I barely make it most days ..though I smile and go on.. its so hard to explain but I know the people around me can see it.. as I grow older and my body starts to change and I feel things that I know are not right...I worry.. I have done a ton of things to try to figure it out.. but all of the tests come back negative and I just don't have the strength to fight..
Michael I miss you so much too... 18 you'd be 18 this year... high school graduation and going off to college... my heart is breaking right now... girlfriends and hot rods and racing, proms...

I hate living in Naples I hate living in Florida period.. I have always felt like i'm missing something by not having the change of seasons and living on flat straight terrain..
I always have..I have never wanted to be here..yet I am stuck now with a business that we cannot just up and leave and with Hannah and her school and friends ..I feel so alone...most of the time...I try to talk to daddy and it's good for a few days and than it's right back where it was.. we are so far apart from each other...yet we love each other so much??? how is this possible???
I am not to sure though if I am the lucky one or he's the poor soul that is being tortured by a decision that he made as by being a man and holding true to your word.. is this a reason to stay in an unhappy marriage ...is it a reason not to stay...is it enough to stay together for your children or are you making it harder for everyone evolved by staying. is staying the hard thing or the easy thing.. is leaving the easy thing or is it the hard thing??? I just don't know... I have always said follow your heart...but my heart isn't strong enough to endure much more pain or heartache right now..
I love you and hope you are well my son and I hope you are happy enough for the both of us... more than a piece of me died with you that day and I think everyday a little more of me still is...

Saturday, July 9, 2011 8:58 PM CDT

on this day 11 years ago we were at the cabin in NC. you caught the big fish . you spent your last days with your cousins Austin and Garett... we lit fireworks and had water balloons fights.. I remember waking the next day and seeing your face and hearing your voice telling me you didn't feel well, that's when the panic sunk in.. I knew we were nearing the end.. your sweet little face I watched you in the mirror all the way back to the hospital.. we rushed you up to the floor and they put you on oxygen.. I held you so tight all the way to the end.. the Dr asked me to step out of the room to talk to them and I begged them to not make me leave... I didnt want to let go of you... only for a short while.. we will be together soon.. everyday is one day closer to you!
I love you, Mommy

Wednesday, June 22, 2011 10:09 AM CDT

it's hard to imagine that I haven't been here in almost a year..a lot has happened since the beginning of the year... I wouldn't even know where to begin...Your cousin Olivia was diagnosed with Ewings sarcoma.. though it is hard for me to go to her page I have been there to check updates..I am afraid to go for that there might be bad news. I would not be able to handle it. Mommy has had a couple of knocks.. but at least I now have answers to why I haven't been feeling well. 2011 will go down as one of the worse years for me since you left me..I still struggle everyday without you. I was thinking back on my life and saw how I was so strong through many years be for you came into my life and after. now I feel I am so weak. I can hardly get out of bed these past few months. But I do.. I do it for Hannah.I cant stay here.. I cant bare the pain. I love you. and miss you..until we meet again on the other side. Mommy

Saturday, July 3, 2010 9:09 PM CDT

In 7 days you will have been gone 10 years.. it seems like yesterday we were sitting at the cabin watching you fish.. on this day in 2000 we took you over to the cabin from the hospital, By than they told us your cancer had come back and to do all things possible for you and with you! I never ever thought we would be where we are today without you!
I love you and miss you dearly, I hope you and your friends can see all the fireworks tomorrow and God knows there's a lot of you there now!
AJ, JImmy, Kyle, Yousef, Michael B, Justin,Just to name a few.

Hannah is in summer camp and she loves it! though it has rained everyday this past week they(the councelors) manage to keep them busy. Everytime I go to pick her up I see the councelor with a mop, so I know she has her hands full.

Tomorrow RoRo and Grandpa Lee are coming over, Grandpa had sergury on his one and only hand, I told RoRo to tell him I will put his BBQ ribs beans and coleslaw in a blender and he can drink it from a straw!!!! YUCK huh?
You know life has it's ups and down's and life comes and goes and you have made it possible for a few to make a difference in their own lives,,
I have spoke with 2 people this week and they have told me how much you have made an impact on their life to become the person they are today.... with sincere words... Jess is one of them... we cried on the phone together.. she carried your picture with her all through Med School and she is now a full fledged Dr.. she is working out of California and moving into Sacramento with her boy friend soon (pacifica) she's has money now.. no more roman noodles for her... she really has become the person she is today because of her time with you... she wanted us to know this... I suppose she will marry soon and we'll go to Ca. for the wedding.. I can't wait to see her again!
I am going to go to watch Tv for a spell and than off to bed.. I love you with all my heart and sole...

FROM HERE TO THE MOON AND BACK!
HEY GUESS WHAT? I LOVE YOU! GOT CHA!
Mommy!

Sunday, February 21, 2010 3:46 PM CST

It has been a long time since I have come to your page. over a year, I had said Daddy was teaching Hannah the ropes of racing, but things have changed,Hannah is not going to be racing, at least not at this time...she has been playing tennis and loving it and in the gifted program at school and doing very well. She made the honor roll and her name was in the news paper last Saturday. Her best Friend is Nikki. they are BFF's ya know and good for each other..though she is growing up way to fast.
ALL girl I might add. with the additude (?) to boot and the sassy frassy mouth..she'll learn though it may be the hard way..We are (well daddy is) getting the motorhome ready for the Gator nationals, everytime I go to the races I see a boy with his dad I think of you and what it would be like if you were there with dad.

every morning I think of you as I get out of bed and put my feet to the floor knowing that you will not be there...
life is a struggle still most days...but I hold my head high and go on...
I miss you and want to hold you. But I know you are in a better place and there is NO MORE CANCER.
Hannah will be 9 this March 17th... how time flies by.. you would have been 15 this April...I cannot imagin having a 15 year old son..how I would have loved to watch you go to your first dance with your Girl friend. And to help you to get your license... and a car. To just watch you grow into a young man.. would have been amazing.. you were such a sweet sweet boy. Well I have to go I cant see anymore...I love you from here to the monn and back! Love Mommy

Saturday, January 17, 2009 8:22 AM CST

So much has changed since you left. But one thing remains the same, that is the hole in my heart and the pain I feel when I come to this page and the flashes of the past. Though I remember the good times we shared and the healthy times too. just when I come here there's a release after I break down... I miss you so much today... Hannah is with Daddy at the track leaning the ropes so she can be a JR Dragster driver. Hannah will be 8 this year and that means she is old enough to drive one. No, I have no fear, for God will only give us what we can handle, RIGHT?
this April you would have been 14. I can't imagin you at 14, though I can only guess you would be right there next to daddy preparing for the real dragster and teaching Hannah all that Dad will teach her about the JR's.
You will be Glad to know that Daddy was the track champion for the Quick 32 and the 550 races, Hannah went with us to the Banquet and received the trophy along with Dad, it was almost bigger than her...
How exciting for Daddy, we are so proud of him. He worked so hard for it and finally paid off. So this year I think he's going to go for broke. (well he will be broke if Hannah gets a car lol)
I got a puppy for my Birthday. Hannah named her Sophy, Sophia when she's bad. she is a white ball of fur, Havachon.

We went to GA the day after Christmas to see Grandma and Uncle Rod. We went into TN to Nashville, it was fun.
things are rough all over and they are not to be excluded, unfortunately, but we will survive because we are Hildbolds and Rices and this is what we do. You taught us all this.
Hannah and I are Brownies, I am now as of recently the leader of our troop, not totally without warrent, But I am excited for a new adventure and except the challenge, I have been preparing for it also, Hannah is ready for JR scouting and I wasnted to start this troop for our girls that are ready, so now here's my chance.
well I will maybe come back and write more soon... I love you! Got cha.. see you on the other side. bright eyed and bushy tailed. Mommy

Sunday, April 20, 2008 1:10 PM CDT

Hi baby, You just turned 13th this past April 11th. How I miss you! I hope you had a good day. I tried to keep busy but still you rain through my heart. Hannah and I went to the party store and got a blue balloon to send to you. Did you get it?
HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY!
I LOVE YOU FROM HERE TO ETERNITY, SEE YOU ON THE OTHERSIDE. MOMMA!

Saturday, August 25, 2007 9:29 AM CDT

My Goodness how time flies. It's almost fall again. I am looking forward to the season. I want to get better organized so I can put all my decoration out. Hannah will like to help me with this.
Daddy just received pieces to his building for the race trailer and motorhome LOL. 143 holes have to be drilled into the concrete before he can even begin. and 14 thousand screws? hahahaha! well if anyone can do it daddy can. I had surgery thursday doing better today. still a little groggy. Nothing to worry about. doing great still a nausiated though...
well wanted to say hi and tell you I love you. Hannah started 1st grade. doing really well , very independent. needs no help from anyone.,..but I want her to know we are here if she should need anything, because she won't ask. she'll try to figure it out on her own but she is still only six...

all my love Momma!

Saturday, July 28, 2007 10:15 PM CDT

I Have put some new pictures in the photo album and one will stay ..this is of Michael.

I changed the home page photo. remember this day you and Austin were riding your ATC and Austin was riding his dirt bike. how kool you were. you could ride better than any one!!!!

Once again we were on vacation when the 7th year of you belonging to God came about. I think it would just be to painful to be sitting at home when the day came. though it is not easy no matter where I am. I have a tough time on Saturdays for some reason. I always do the girls day/night out with Hannah every Saturdays while daddy races. He races for you my sweet angel in Heaven. I still cannot make it through most days without the pain piercing my heart and my breath leaving me for those moments while I try to catch my breath to make it through the moment. some times I make it and some times I don't and have to excuse myself and go cry. like right now! Hannah asked me if she could see your ashes the other day. She asked if I had seen them? I told her yes! that we sprinkled your ashes into the rainbow trout pond to celebrate your life a few days after you went to heaven. you glistened the pond and the grass and the bubbles stated for a very long time on the grass along side of you. I will never forget your smile and the way you always told me "MOMMY DON'T CRY" I am sorry I cannot hear you anymore and this is why I cry now. I cannot wait for the day for us to meet in heaven. I see you with your arms open waiting for me. Though it will be along time for me and only a moment for you! I love you as deep as the oceans and as wide as your smile and as long as the as the sun shines and the moon glows at night. for you were my first born and so very special to us! and I will never understand why. only to know when I pass through those gates to greet you for all eternity. I will hold you in my arms like the first time and this time I will NEVER let you go.. I am so sorry I let you down baby. I will never let you down again. I will do my best to make you proud of all the things good in our life that we do and all the good that your baby sister will do for you! she thinks of you more than I will ever know. I hope someday she doesn't ask why did you let him die MOMMY? why can I not have my brother here with me? for I tried, I tried so hard to save you and nothing I could do to change this. 7 years have gone by without you and I still feel so empty. I feel so cold and I try so hard to go on and to be nice to people. but it is more than I can bare some days ..but I do it for you.. you fought so hard and I could never do anything but go on to show everyone what you did for us to survive in this world no matter how hard it is... no matter what the tears bring and the nights and the Saturdays. I yearn for you and your touch , you smell. I still have your clothes they cut off you in my closet. I see them almost everytime I open my closet. I try not to touch them everytime. for I wouldn't make it out the door. I miss you cute little cuddle bug. I love you form here to the moon and back as Hannah says to me every night I love you so much and I wish I could just hold you! just hold you HOLD YOU!!!!! I would squeeze you so tight you would yell at me MOMMY AH MOMMY your squeezing to tight MOMMY LET GO! I would not though. I would just keep holding you as I did the night you left us!
I love you Michael! see you bright eyed and bushy tailed..MOMMY
Michael I am sorry I haven't wrote in a while. I just cannot do this to myself every night...it is so very hard to do...My heart breaks and I am sitting here alone just sobbing and it last and last and you can see it in my face for days after..
oxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Wednesday, April 11, 2007 8:31 PM CDT

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR MICHAEL, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! I LOVE YOU!
HAPPY 12TH BIRTHDAY ANGEL.
I miss you, May God keep you safe until I come home to you!
Hannah made you a birthday card. I hope you like it!
SEE YOU BRIGHT EYED AND BUSY TAILED. MOMMA

Friday, March 2, 2007 10:08 PM CST

a passage from a few days after we lost our precious Angel!

Monday, July 24, 2000 at 06:02 PM (CDT)

MICHAEL CHRISTOPHER RICE
APRIL 11, 1995 - JULY 10, 2000
How do you make your heart accept reality when the reality is unacceptable? Your mind knows the truth but can't believe it is true. The slightest memory brings pain so severe that you cannot even let the thoughts in. ^M^ICHAEL WE MISS YOU SO.
Everyone that could make it came to the mountain cabin in North Carolina to say "goodbye" to you. Those who wanted to be there and could not will be at the memorial service in Naples. Most of us gathered at the apartment in Durham for the four hour procession to the mountains where your ashes were spread. Mom and Dad placed a wreath near the rock where you sat by the pond to fish. At dusk everyone shared their beautiful memories of your short life.
Do you remember being Aunt Jannies back seat driver? When she made the wrong turn you politely told her she was going the wrong way. And Daddy teaching you to spell while you rode with him in the car.
S-T-O-P spells stop, E-X-I-T spells exit. You could barely talk, but you could spell. Mommy had your ABCs on the refrigerator and you learned to recognize the letters for what they were. To our delight one of your most favorite things was to snuggle, you always had time to snuggle with your favorite people. You were the most loving and compassionate child, you did not want to go to Heaven and leave Mommy alone and sad so you suggested that she could get another little boy like you, of course there could never be another like you. You sang like an Angel and you could run like the wind on the beach. How you loved the sunsets and the sunrise and the great outdoors from your own front yard to the mountains to the beach.
We spread wildflowers on the pond and spread seed to grow there in your memory. Did you catch the balloons we released? They were for you and the other children as I know you have a lot of friends there in Heaven, some you didn't know were there already, I bet you were surprised to see Brandy.
I know you were there in the soap bubbles that seemed to want to stay with us, they attached themselves to the trees and blades of grass irridescent and playful, so much like you staying with us until you were just not strong enough anymore.. Aunt Jannie gave everyone a sheaf of wheat, the symbol of everlasting life which is now yours. We miss you my darling. Save a place in Heaven for me close to you.
MEMORIAL SERVICES FOR MICHAEL ARE BEING HELD AT ST. ANN CATHOLIC CHURCH, CORNER OF 3RD STREET AND 9TH AVENUE S. NAPLES, FL ON SATURDAY JULY 29, 2000 AT 10:00 AM.

remember this is a OLD PASSAGE not to be confused with todays date 2007! I was a different person than I am now.
Jane.

Friday, January 19, 2007 4:26 PM CST

ANOTHER YEAR HAS PASSED WITHOUT YOU IN OUR LIVES.GOD HOW I MISS YOU SO MUCH! MY HEART ACHES AND I LOSE MY BREATH WHEN I THINK BACK TO YOU BEING SO SICK AND HELPLESS.
WE WENT TO THE CABIN FOR CHRISTMAS. MR CABLES BROTHER PASSED AWAY TO CANCER THE DAY WE ARRIVED. THEY WERE DIGGING HIS GRAVE WHEN WE CAME UPON THE CEMETARY. MR CABLE WAS DOWN THERE HELPING TO GET THE GROUNDS READY FOR HIS BIG BROTHER. ALWAYS SEEM TO BE SO CLOSE TO YOU WHEN I AM THERE. BUT STILL NOT DREAMING ABOUT YOU! I STILL DON'T EXCEPT YOU BEING GONE I JUST PRETEND TO MAKE IT THROUGH MOST DAYS AND HANG BY A THREAD THE OTHERS. BUT I AM HANGING THIS IS ONE THING GOOD. HANNAH IS GOING TO BE BUSY WITH PIANO, GIRL SCOUTS, & DANCE. I HAD SOMEONE ASK FOR MORE PICTURES OF YOU SO I WENT INTO THE COMPUTER DISKS AND FOUND SOME. OH HOW HARD IT IS TO SEE YOU AND NOT BE ABLE TO TOUCH YOU. I HAVE TO GO HANNAH IS IN THE OTHER ROOM WATCHING TV AND I NEED TO GET DINNER READY. I LOVE YOU! GOTCHA!
SEE YOU BRIGHT EYED AND BUSHY TAILED! MOMMA!

Friday, October 20, 2006 3:50 PM CDT

Michael, we are getting ready for the cooler weather that will come in this weekend...LOL time to close up the pool for a couple months. I can't wait for it! we will be able to put on long pants and long sleeve shirts and be comfortable.
Mick is racing this weekend again and Hannah and I have been sick. so we will maybe go for a while and than come home and take it easy...Halloween is almost here than turkey day...Uncle Rod bought a house in Ga. so I hope to help over the Thanksgiving break, to move his cars and toys to the new house.
soon Christmas will be upon us and another year will be gone.. another year with out you. some days it hurts so bad. I wish I could see you again...My heart aches.
I love you, Mommy

Monday, September 18, 2006 2:35 PM CDT

An email I received today!

Michael, Mommy is Officially in the over the hill club! AND LOVIN IT!

Life has been good with the exception of losing you, I cannot not complain, for I know, I too, shall be with you soon. Love Mommy!

If tomorrow starts without me, And I'm not there to see,

If the sun should rise and find your eyes all filled with tears for me;

I wish so much you wouldn't cry the way you did today, While thinking of the many things, We didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me, As much as I love you, And each time that you think of me, I know you'll miss me too;

But when tomorrow starts without me,

Please try to understand, that an angel came and called my name, And took me by the hand,

And said my place was ready, In heaven far above, And that I'd have to leave behind all those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away, A tear fell from my eye, For all my life, I'd always thought, I didn't want to die.

I had so much to live for, So much left yet to do, it seemed almost impossible, that I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays,

The good ones and the bad, I thought of all that we shared, And all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday, Just even for a while, I'd say good-bye and kiss you and maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized, That this could never be, For emptiness and memories, would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things, I might miss some tomorrow, I thought of you, and when I did, My heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through heaven's gates,

I felt so much at home. When God looked down and smiled at me, From His great golden throne,

He said, "This is eternity, And all I've promised you." Today your life on earth is past, but here life starts anew.

I promise no tomorrow, But today will always last, and since each day is the same way, There's no longing for the past.

So when tomorrow starts without me, don't think we're far apart, For every time you think of me, I'm right here, in your heart "

I believe!

Monday, July 10, 2006 8:38 PM EST

Six years ago today, Tracy came through the door at the quick care area on the floor (where we lived for months) and said you look pale I think I will get you some oxygen. Everything went down hill very quickly from there. Within hours you were gone. My life will never be the same. There is a piece of me that died with you that day. I have been struggling through the day trying not to cry. I miss you so much. I wish I could just ... well I was sitting staring today and I saw an angle in a figure is my stare ..it quickly faded. but it caught my attention. I felt as though it could have been you He was reaching out. Michael I miss you so much. I love you Mommy

I will not walk with him again
Beside a mountain stream;
Or down a quiet woodland path
Sharing all his dreams.

I will not hear his special laugh
Or know his teasing ways;
No secrets shared, no looking for
His smile to light my days.

I will not see the sparkle of
His large expressive eyes,
That sometimes cried and sometimes held
The stars that fill the skies.

I will not hear, "I love you, Mom,
Though sometimes I don't show it;"
But through the years that quickly passed,
Somehow I'd always know it.

I will not hear him tease his sister (that he never knew)
As he laughs with glee;
He won't be there for picnics,
How hard that is for me.

I will not hear his music
While he (loudly) sings along; (though I do)
I won't discuss with him again
The merits of a song.

I will not see him "digging in"
To all his favorite meals;
Nor laugh or cry or hold him
Through all the things he feels.

I will not feel his special hugs
And hold him in my arms;
Nor be manipulated by
His smile...his talk...his charm.

For now he walks with angels and
The pain he knew has ceased;
Now its God who holds him close
In never-ending peace.

But though he's gone, within my heart
Are precious memories of
These special things...surrounded by
A mother's endless love.
Unknown
Journal

God be with you and hold you in his arms until I get there.
I love you Mommy

Monday, July 10, 2006 8:38 PM EST

Thursday, June 1, 2006 10:12 PM CDT

Hello,
Michael not a day goes by that my heart doesn't ache and long to hold you in my arms again.
I just came from Justin page and I borrowed this from Suzi Thatcher. I hope she won't mind.

I will not walk with him again
Beside a mountain stream;
Or down a quiet woodland path
Sharing all his dreams.

I will not hear his special laugh
Or know his teasing ways;
No secrets shared, no looking for
His smile to light my days.

I will not see the sparkle of
His large expressive eyes,
That sometimes cried and sometimes held
The stars that fill the skies.

I will not hear, "I love you, Mom,
Though sometimes I don't show it;"
But through the years that quickly passed,
Somehow I'd always know it.

I will not hear him tease his sister (that he never knew)
As he laughs with glee;
He won't be there for picnics,
How hard that is for me.

I will not hear his music
While he (loudly) sings along; (though I do)
I won't discuss with him again
The merits of a song.

I will not see him "digging in"
To all his favorite meals;
Nor laugh or cry or hold him
Through all the things he feels.

I will not feel his special hugs
And hold him in my arms;
Nor be manipulated by
His smile...his talk...his charm.

For now he walks with angels and
The pain he knew has ceased;
Now its God who holds him close
In never-ending peace.

But though he's gone, within my heart
Are precious memories of
These special things...surrounded by
A mother's endless love.
Journal

God be with you and hold you in his arms until I get there.
I love you Mommy

Tuesday, April 11, 2006 9:38 PM CDT

HAPPY 11TH BIRTHDAY MICHAEL. WE LOVE YOU!
IT HAS BEEN A VERY GOOD DAY FOR ME SO FAR. I HAVE MADE IT THUS FAR WITHOUT TOTALLY LOSING MY KOOL..
HOPE YOU ARE DOING WELL. LOVE YA MOM SEE YOU BRIGHT EYED AND BUSHY TAILED..

Wednesday, April 5, 2006 10:01 AM CDT

Hi Baby,
Your Birthday is coming up You would have been 11 this year
4/11/06/ 11 years old this is your special birthday 11/11
I miss you so much, Hannah has been a little wininy lately and all I can think is I wish you were here to help give her something to do. she is bored with me and wants to have someone to play with, but in the same thought I wondered if she would be here if you hadn't left us. I wonder about this from time to time, because we always thought one was enough to handle today with living expenses.
Michael She is so neat I just wish you could have been able to meet her and her you! she misses you as if she did know you. So I think you two have comunicated while she was very young and this helps me to get through some rough spots.
Happy 11th Birthday Baby! I love you! God take care of my baby until we meet again. Mommy

Friday, March 10, 2006 9:57 AM CST

Oh my gosh, I just sat here for 1/2 writing to you and the words disappeared...I cannot believe it...but I do believe that what I wrote you saw...so that will be enough for me. oh man that really stinks...oh well
I want to tell you Hannah will be 5 St patricks day. I love you and miss you! mommy
I was remebering the days while you were in the hospital and the panic of you being so sick and so fagile. I cannot go back into it all.
I love you from here to the moon and back to us again. See you bright eyed and bushy tailed love you! got ya!

Wednesday, January 25, 2006 10:44 PM CST

Hi Baby, I know it has been along time since I have updated. I have been busy this week getting ready to go to the cabin for vacation again. This is what we where doing the last time I was at the page. Your poor Daddy has a cold..oh my gosh is he pathetic..LOL we are goin to try to see snow while in NC but the weather has been mile so far this year. I suppose after we leave and until march it will snow on the mountain. I was playing with a new software program tonight and I figured out how to make a web transfer with home photo's. so now at the top of the page is a picture of Mom Dad and Hannah at pikes peak colorado in october. I love you and I miss you My heart is still so very much broken, I am hiding it better these days and I am finally coming to a realization that so many things have been lost since you got sick and I am very slowly regaining some of this back. such as christmas this year was good and full but not complete, and I am feeling stronger about my own being and not so unsure of myself. I know you can see me struggling... and I do want to tell you I am sorry I know you donm't like to see me cry but I cannot stand the thought of you gone and all that somes along with missing your 10th 11th Birthdays and all that is still yet to come, I still struggle every day I will hear a song , A noise a scent your pictures on the wall. Hannah and yes your sister is a pistol JUST LIKE YOU! Michael I miss you so much. I long to hold you in my arms and just tell you how much I love you one more time,,,

Monday, September 19, 2005 10:03 PM CDT

Just a quick note to say Hi. I love you! I miss you! I will see you soon Love Mom!
We are going to go to Alabquerque for vacation ...I am so excited! Cannot wait . My Brain is already there. Hannah will love the Balloon Fiesta. TOO KOOL! WELL HAVE TO GO. LOVE TO YOU! MOM
I just found out we will be getting to see Jess while we are in Denver. How kool it will be to see her. For those of you who don't know Jess or remember her I will tell you. Jess was Michael's Buddy at Duke & mine and Mick's (sorry Michael) she was what we call a welcome distraction (plus so much more) to what became a routine for all of us. she also became very attached to Our Angel..Jess is also becoming or already is a Doctor Pediatrician at that Huh!!!! Michael you would be so proud of her and I know you had some to do with her drive..she kept your picture on her desk and your inspirations kept her focused. I love you baby and miss you! Mom..

Wednesday, August 17, 2005 12:45 AM CDT

August 17th 2005. over 5 years since you earned your Angel Wings. I love you!
I miss you!
I can hardly stand going through each day without you! But BUT I say you showed me the way and I will stay strong for you and for Hannah and Daddy Mick .
I have met a lot of interesting people through their web sites at caring bridge.This is truly an amazing set of people and children.
I thank God for each and everyone of them. I just wish they didn't have to go through this weather it be for a child with cancer or what ever the reason I know the pain and the frustration of watching your child suffer with no control ...the only thing I can say is just do as much with your children as you can, because there is only one TODAY. While we were at DUKE one of my family friends lost their 16 year old daughter to another 16 year old talking on her cell phone while she was driving and their daughter was roller blade-ing I think, in Coconut Grove. I felt so bad because they had no idea, none what's so ever that her life would be gone in the instant of a cell phone call.
We on the other hand, knew of the possibilities ...BUT WE NEVER GAVE UP ...DID WE???? Not even when the Dr's told us after transplant that your cancer came back...I truly never thought I would be sitting here today without you in our lives...NO PARENT SHOULD OUT LIVE THEIR CHILDREN...NEVER!

We did not get Hannah into the VPK (voluntary pre-k program). Go figure the state only allowed the under-privileged children to go to the public schools (what they call a head start program that has been federally funded.) so now they are State funding a free program for ANY CHILD WHO WILL BE 4 YEARS OLD BEFORE SEPT 1 2005 so the colition states. But this is not the case,, I have gone to the Naples Daily news and a pretty good size article was printed ...with a lot of research.. but to no avail ..the preschools that the state has pre-approved are now receiving $2500.00 vouchers for the children in this program and have raised , yes I said RAISED the prices of day care for the extended(wrap around) hours that the families will need to be able to have the child(ren) go to such areas other than the area public schools that they were to attend.. you see the schools that I was watching (preschools) were all full the 1st seminar. if they did have any spots available We would have to pay approx. $110.00 for a 2 hour a day extension 10 hours a week (7 am-9 am than the school started at 9 am - 12 noon) and the others wanted the children to be there all day and this price was really extreme. so because we WORK 2 jobs that offset each other so Hannah WOULD NOT BE IN PRESCHOOL HAS left us behind, because all the children in these schools rolled into the VPK program and the public schools are now being dually funded for the head start kids and once again my child is left behind.. (the reason I say this left behind is because Govn. Jeb Bush's motto is NO CHILD SHALL BE LEFT BEHIND...) HUM!!!!!! WHY CAN I NOT GET MY CHILD INTO A SCHOOL THAT IS STATE FUNDED FOR FREE PARTICIPATION & WHY IS IT ONLY AVAILABLE TO LOW INCOME FAMILIES!??? MAKES NO SENSE TO MANY OF US!
WELL now that I got that out of the way.. hopefully Hannah will start next summer, but in the mean time we will start soccer August 30th yea ha!!!! she absolutely loves to play soccer ball. I can't wait! She will be the STAR OF THE FIELD!! !LOL.
WELL baby I love you and miss you! see you bright eyed and bushy tailed....soon Momma

Tuesday, July 12, 2005 10:11 AM CDT

Hi Baby,
we just returned home from the cabin. I did feel much closer with you there.
I am trying to read these other pages of children that are with you now and it breaks my heart. because I know the pain I feel at the loss of my baby. and now all these other families going through it also, tears me up. (God I miss my Michael so much,) You and Johnny would have had so much fun. you would have went to the top of Hump Mountain target shooting and we would all have gone mining together. as your mother (me) is now addicted to Gem mining.
JULY 10th SUNDAY I thought of you the whole day. we were in the car driving back from the mountains and the wheather was so bad daddy was really having a hard time keeping the rig on the road. we took the dually with the slide in camper and 2 atc's on a trailer and the wind just wanted to blow us off the road. we took 75 down all the way and boy what a mess Georgia was 10 inches of rain and it all fell during our drive time through. we ended up stopping at the Florida Ga welcomecenter on the fl side and stayed the night in the hot camper (we didn't need the generator while in the mountians (and dad didn't fix it before we left) so this left us with no air through the night, but we made it home. Now I have me moment to mourn you!
Grnadma is in Mich with Her Family and camped with your uncle Rod and his clan....Holly & Steve and their 4 kids, Christin & MIke and their 3 kids Tommy & Micelle and their kids (not sure if there are 2 or 3 I think there are 3) and not sure if Shawn & Norman & Nicholas where there but there again the are more....of cousre Dillon and Carson & than Lisa and Grandma AND YOUR AUNT JANNIE she had been very ill we almost lost her . You know? she went in for and apin and than they anded up trying to remove her Gaulbladder (?) and it poisoned her and she had all the side effects go wrong everthing. she was so sick and in ICU for weeks.. but she is bcak with us now. and this is what is the most blessed event we have had in a while. hey will you personally thank God for me and Uncle Ken & and their family. I was very very worried about Uncle Ken he was having to still work and being that Aunt Jannie was in ICU he could only stay a few hours at a time... this would have tore me up. I wouldn't have been able to that with you! they would have had to knock me out to make me leave your side.
I am going to close you little sister is suffering at my hands right now beacause I am sitting here at the computer. I love you very much, see you bright eyed and bushie tailed hey mike I love you !!! gotcha!!!! momma

Friday, June 10, 2005 12:50 AM CDT

In exactly one month we would have been rushing you back to the hospital only to lose you . I will never forget the morning , you awoke and said to me "Mommy I don't feel right " I knew in my heart that the end was nearing and a panic came over me. I told your Daddy something is really wrong and we need to leave from the cabin now. I couldn't take my eyes off of you , I remeber you were in the front seat and I pulle dthe mirror down on the visor and just watched you I watched you loose your color and and I watched your face grow with fear and I watched your mind go through many thoughts.
We had the few days before and the 4th of July week at the cabin fishing and doing what ever you wanted to do and your cusins were there with you too. your best friend Austin Michael.
God I miss you so much the pain is so bad in my heart, I feel sometimes that I could just die from a broken heart. I think eventually I will. after my work is done here I know I will.
I want you to know that I love you, as does your daddy and your baby sister. I am so sorry I couldn't help you!!! there was nothing I could do. I told you that I would always be there for you no matter what. as Mommies are suppose to be. I am sorry Michael. I can't get this out of my head I was and am your mom and I was to take care of you and there was nothing I could do, this is what haunts me.
I love you, from to here to moon and back again and from here to your heaven and back again. Mommy
see you bright eyed and bushy tailed baby, momma

Wednesday, May 25, 2005 12:47 AM CDT

Hi everyone!

just quick note to tell you that Hannah is going to be staring school this fall, she will be in a voluntary Pre K program that the state has provided if all goes as planned. I am afraid that all the spaces will be filled before they have everything in place.. I don't know how the other parents do it. but I have been trying since the program was introduced in January and before. but THE FACILITIES have limited space and it is very difficult to find one that works for us that's not already full. but we'll keep trying wish us luck
I have been having some flash backs, if you will, about the days preceeding Michael's death and have had trouble getting the thoughts out of my head my heart aches so badly and the visions keep racing through my mind as though it was yesterday. God take care of my baby until we meet again and let him know that we love him so very much.
take care of the children that are sick and make them well so they can go home to be with their families & friends GOD BLESS YOU ALL WHO KEEP UP WITH THE PAGE and those that have visited and everyone else too. Jane

Monday, April 11, 2005 7:12 AM CDT

HAPPY 10TH BIRTHDAY MICHAEL. WE LOVE AND MISS YOU!
MOMMY, DADDY & HANNAH

AS OUR LIVES GO ON WITHOUT YOU, WE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME. OUR HEARTS ARE BROKE AND WE YEARN FOR YOUR PRESENCE, YOUR TOUCH, YOUR SMELL, IF ONLY TO HEAR YOUR VOICE. LEFT ONLY TO WONDER WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE HAVING YOU HERE TODAY TO CELEBRATE YOUR 10TH BIRTHDAY WITH YOU, WE ARE LEFT WITH THIS EMPTY SPACE THAT WILL BLEND INTO THE DAY AND PASSERS BY WILL ONLY SEE A SAD FACE, NOT KNOWING THE PAIN WE FEEL MISSING OUR BABY BOY WHO IS 10 TODAY. I LOVE YOU! MOMMY

Thursday, April 7, 2005 10:45 PM CDT

Monday is your birthday!
I have been struggling for a couple of days over the lose of you for one reason at least that I am aware of, I have been moving all of your things out of the entertainment center in prep for the moving of it to the new Family room. God how you would have loved to help daddy with all the work he has done here. Today I sat and held you in my arms and cried and cried and cried. I haven't held you in almost five years and it felt good. though it is not you only your ashes, but I still felt close to you but yet so far away.
I pray that the Pope will show you the way to my heart and my dreams. I miss you so much. It has been the most difficult thing I have ever had to bare and I struggle daily with trying to cope. I guess this is good that I keep struggling because this means I am moving forward. I watched home videos of you with Hannah yesterday and you where truely an amazing child so neat and untouched from the world. I have to go. Know that I love you with all my heart and I will be with you in a blink of your eye. I love you Momma!

Monday, March 7, 2005 10:24 AM CST

Oh My Gosh, I cannot beleive it is March already!
Hannah will be "FOUR YEARS OLD" March 17th.
4 years old WOW.
8 months after you passed away God Blessed us with YOUR Baby sister, A beautiful Child she is, but she is not you. I still don't understand why you are not here with us, But I do know you are Not in Pain! I miss you so much. This April you would have been 10 years old. My first born to 10 I cannot beleive you. 10 years old such a grown boy and I am sure you are so smart too.
I can't stand it. I still hear you singing the Whoosles and Heffalumps Halloween song, you were sitting on the couch at the apartment in Durham North Carolina when we had the chance to leave the Hospital. I also still hear your voice Mom I don't feel right and the panic that came over me that day. Only to lose you a few hours later. How is this fair. How do I cope with the loss of losing my first born to that horrible thing they call cancer. Just how do I do it?
I know I can only go one day at a time. I feel if I make it through that day I am one day closer to you!
I know I have so much more to live for... but until you have walked this mile you will never know the ups and downs I feel over the loss of you! Iwill try to change the subject.
We are finally having some major progress on the addition to the house. The Carpet will go in soon. Some one will be here today to measure for it. Daddy has done the closets in cedar,just gorgeous ad the walls are white (LOL) we have some slate stone in area of the fire place and also will go by the breakfast bar area. and soon my cabinets will be done.(I hope) I am going to put new pictures in the PHOTO AREA OF HANNAH. I hope you enjoy seeing them. the other day I told Hannah I would get her more Pizza and I had told her not to move a muscle the comedian that she is "she flexed her arms like a muscle" (too funny). she is a riot but I still miss you in our lives...Daddy needs so much help from you! I am going to close for now.. I will see you brighted eyed and bushy tailed LOVE MOMMA!

Wednesday, December 29, 2004 10:34 PM CST

Happy New Year Darling. We love you and Miss you very much.
Hannah was very surprised when Santa came to her house and brought her presents. She asked him for a cotton candy machine and you know what? he brought it for her. I hope you Had a nice Christmas with God and his Family. I hope they are keeping you busy or maybe I should say I am sure your keeping them busy.
Mommy and Daddy have been trying to figure out what's going on with your baby sis. she has been having symtoms of a bladder infection and last week I saw blood in her urine. I have taken her to the dr's several times, but this last time was to familiar. I had to take her to have a catheter, to check to see if what we might be dealing with was a reflux
into the kidneys or the bladder liner. Test came back ok, except that her bladder was large for a child her size. So I will take her to have her blood drwn tomorrow and than have all the tests sent to Dr. Salman's and than we will see Him and everyone else on Tuesday the 4th of january.
I am putting pictures of your Baby sis in the picutres ....boy wait til you see this little knuckle head..Oh my gosh..I don't know that everyone will find this amusing... but oh well...when Hannah awoke on Christmas morning she didn't notice at first because Mick had the camera and SHE IS A HUGE HAM SO SHE WAS WATCHING HIM ...SO i SAID hANNAH LOOK AND SHE TURNS AND SAYS OH MY GOSH!

"WHAT THE HELL"
I ABOUT DIED when I heard her say that..Daddy said it was a good thing the camera wasn't working because that would have haunted him...(I thought it was funny, and leave it at that)
Oh I have another really neat thing I want to tell you...I know you loved to watch the movies of Mommy & Daddy when we first met in N.M alba que. for the balloon fiesta.. well Grandma gave all of us kids a Cd copy of all of us when we where little in 8mm film (wow Grandma is beautiful, is all I heard as we watched on Christmas.

well I must close for now

hey Michael !
I LOVE YOU!
GOTCHA!

Tuesday, December 7, 2004 7:00 AM CST

Merry Christmas!
MICHAEL, I LOVE YOU!
GOD TAKE CARE OF MY BABY!
I MISS HIM TOO MUCH!

Tuesday, September 28, 2004 9:34 AM CDT

Hi Baby,
well it is almost October already! Each day that passes I find myself still looking for you and wondering what our lives would be like if you where still with us. I wonder what you would look like at 9 years old. I wonder what your relationship with Hannah would be like. I wonder if you could do any better keeping her in line than I do. I wonder if you would be racing in your junior dragster and where you would be a year after you started (you had to be 8 to race) I know my pain would be non existant. and the worries well this would be another story...but I would have taken the worries over your death any day. I know I told you that I have to let you go...No, I haven't. I still cannot let you go! My question is why? when I could come up with so many reasons as to why. but the reality is I cannot. I am your mommy. I still hear you calling me and needing me. I in my own mind, know that you are in a great place
I won't go so far as to say a better place, because I truly beleive there is no better place than with us! and this is what I struggle with. I know you where in pain and this is the reason it makes it easier for me (I feel selfish)I do not like the idea of your suffering. So all I say, is if you were not suffering. I miss you like I did the first day you left us and long for like the day I found out you where growing inside of me!
well I have to say your favorite time of year is nearing and this year I will be able to take Hannah out for candy..in years past I have to work , but it's on a sunday. we are going to Moroso for a samller scale race for the kids with cancer this year. We have moved our event from Seabring to Moroso for insurance purposes (I think )but it is a much smaller event this time for the reason of getting a feel for the new track and the response we receive from the racers in Moroso. so if your reading this and your would like to hold an event for the families of the cancer kids please feel free to contact me (or even donate all though I have one my favorite charities at the bottom of my page*~ candlelighters of sw florida). here or see other info inside the page.
we live in sw florida and we would travel with in the state of florida, for obvious reasons. some kids come straight from chemo hospital stays and some still have direct lines (ports). and others are in between all of the above, and yet some are survivors and than there's people like us who try to do the best they can to help to make the experince for them as much fun as we would have if our child where still involved with any of the above cancer treatments.
we do this for you Michael, We do everything because of you, Michael
know that I love you and miss you...hey Michael, I love you, gotcha...see you bright eyed and bushy tailed baby, Mommy ....
P.S. I PUT NEW PHOTO'S IN THE PAGE ..OF HANNAH AND THE RACE TRACK! ENJOY

Monday, May 17, 2004 9:36 PM CDT

Hi michael, The kids are going to be out of school soon. Can't beleive another year has gone by. I just wanted to say hi and that I love you and miss you! I am home sick from work tonight Took care of Hannah all day yesterday while she was sick all over the place. did 3 loads of laundry and than finally she settled in and took her medicine. well have to go Daddy's trying to sleep. love ya Mommy

Tuesday, May 4, 2004 9:45 AM CDT

Hello, To all you wonderful people. there are a couple of entries I wanted to share with you and thank you to the people who sent them.. this makes me feel better knowing there are people that know how I feel or can imagin the pain that we as parents of a child who has lost their lives.

on a not so happy note I MUST say this It has BEEN way to long

the one who says we should just acceptthe death of our children. I know you are only trying to help but I do not wish to hear this ... I will never except it I am sorry, I am a very selfish person If you want to call me that..I do enjoy the times we spent together and I have his pictures all over my house and I talk about him when the need arises...BUT I WILL NEVER EVER ACCEPT THIS UNTIL MY DYING DAYS NEVER WILL I.
The days get easier and some days are just like the day he passed away.. this is the way it is and there's not anything I can do to change the way the tears flow. this is the way of my God or my higher being, I am Catholic. But when you loose a child it is hard to have any kind of faith but your own.. please do not write about your God in my page and expect I should accept this... I do not want to be mean but this is offensive to me. YOUR WAY DOESN'T HAVE TO BE MY WAY... DON'T FEEL YOU SHOULD WRITE ABOUT YOUR GOD , BUT PLEASE PLEASE DON'T TELL ME HOW I SHOULD FEEL. I HAVE NEVER EXPERIENCEED THIS AND WISH TO NEVER EXPERIENCE THIS AGAIN. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT FROM MYSELF NOR SHOULD I HAVE TO.
PLEASE READ THE ENTRIES OF HOW I REALLY FEEL.

Of all the sorrows known to us, this is the only one I am aware of that grows deeper and more intense with time and is ever ready to spring up keener, sharper at every corner. Praise God who has touched our sorrow with hope!! As Resurrection Sunday approaches, we are more and more grateful to our Lord for His promise of eternal life in the place He has prepared for us. May this promise continue to bless, comfort and encourage your hearts as you celebrate the precious memory of Michael's birth.

amidst the sunbeams you'll see his face
upon the raindrops you'll see his smile
through the fog he guides you along
during a storm he holds your hand
In the snow on the ground you see his wings
And you know you are never alone

When you look upon the sky at night
a distant star will shine a little brighter
You'll lay in bed and say his name
and he twinkles to let you know he's okay

The days seem endless, your mind is unclear
You just want to hold him and snuggle him close
that is your only wish
but then you realize that he's all around you..
In the sunbeams, the rain, the fog, the storm, the snow,
the stars, but more importantly he is snuggling up next to your heart.
And it is here that you will hold him for a lifetime
AND I TRULKY DO TALK TO THE BUTTERFLIES I TRULY BELIEVE WHEN A BUTTERFLY IS NEAR IT IS MICHAEL. AND WHEN THE FOG SITS QUIETLY ON THE GRASS THIS IS MICHAEL WHEN A BOOK FALLS OFF THE SHELF THIS IS MICHAEL, WHEN THE RAINBOW COMES SO BRIGHT THIS IS MICHAEL, WHEN THE SUN SHINES LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW THIS IS MY MICHAEL, WHEN I TRIUMP OVER A HURDLE THIS IS MY MICHAEL HELPING ME

Sunday, March 21, 2004 3:46 PM CST

Hi there Baby.. I haven't written in a while...but you know we talk.. I miss you!
Guess what Hannah is 3 years old now... how time goes by...we went to a place called Buca De' Beppo's so kool thought of you a lot... I keep myself busy so I don't have time to go into the deep thoughts of how much I really can't bare ..... I don't know that I will ever be able to NOT HAVE "THOSE DAYS" Hannah keeps me so busy and I am selling clothes on e-bay... geesh people go crazy for used little girls clothes....
do you remember Sid he is here on vacation visiting today Daddy today.. he had never met your sister Hannah...right now she has not had a nap and is time out LOL!!!! still talking can I can I !!!!! You aould truly adore her ... she is so dramatic... I think because she see's me cry sometimes. who knows ..we play like acting also... but I say she is going to a very good actress some day sort of like merrill streep... or elizbeth taylor just so unpredictable... I am going to put a picture in the photo area she is such a little ham..UH OH the EYES are closing!
well I am going to go for now...I love you! GOTCHA!
SEE YOU BRIGHT EYED AND BUSHY TAILED...MOMMA!
OXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

Thursday, December 25, 2003 1:14 AM CST

Merry Christmas my darling. Tonight I was looking for a little box in my dresser and I came across a ultrasound picture It read "BABY RICE" Oh God help me get through this time. I miss Michael so so much and I just feel as though my world is caving in...it has been 3 years and I still cannot comprehend the loss of him....
Michael I hope you can forgive me? Mommy hasn't been very strong these days, I thought I was doing ok but I just feel as though some people really enjoy kicking me when I'm down. I have separated myself from them ...but some are harder than others to completely eliminate from my life ...truley and an unfortunate situation... I hope you can help me to be strong.
I sometimes feel I have to take a good look at myself and question my self esteem... but the more I do the more I find that the things that have been happening are just really a scape goat for the others to beat on me to make them selves look BIG or BETTER than what they really are... so I just wait for them to hang them selves and I am enjoying thier pain as from, the pain they have put me through. or should I say the mental torture that they have been putting me through and totally making me feel worthless.. now things are getting better very s l o w l y . I have considered a job change but wiht Hannah being too little for school, and I don't trust anyone in the child care profession to take Hannah in... so I'll have to hang in there until she is older...
well I have to go to bed before SANTA comes...HOHOHO!
SEE YOU BRIOGHT EYED AND BUSHY TAILED...I LOVE YOU!!!!! GOTCHA!

I MISS YOU SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH PLEASE GIVE ME STRENGTH

MERRY CHRISTMAS, MICHAEL, MY SWEET ANGEL
GOD BLESS YOU! AND KEEP YOU SAFE UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN

MOMMY DADDY AND HANNAH

Thursday, October 30, 2003 11:58 AM CST

Michael tomorrow is Halloween. It's just not the same without you! I know you'll be watching over Hannah and keep her safe!
We are still trying to finish the addition to the house looks like January at this rate (if I'm lucky) I keep bugging Daddy about it but I can only BUG so much!
I guess you'll be a gaurdian Angel for Halloween, and a fine one I'm sure. well time for Hannah and mine's LOL nap....We Miss you so much, I truly can't beleive that you are gone! I hope that one day I'll awake from the nightmare.....
All our love Mommy Daddy & Hannah

HAPPY HALLOWEEN #@!$$#@ *&^?>*&^!

NEW PICTURES OF MOM AND HANNAH

Thursday, October 30, 2003 11:58 AM CST

Friday, September 5, 2003 8:47 AM CDT

Hi Michael, nearly one month before the day you where diagnosed. Oct 2nd.1997 we were on vacation and you became remember the doctor telling us she didn't know how to tell us other than to just say it.it seems like a dream, other than you being gone, I feel like my life than is a dream
(a nightmare) I wish I could just wake up and you'll be here. I had a dream the other day. I was with the family and you were not my child as we were leaving I had a really hard time leaving you so i WENT TO SAY GOOD BYE TO YOU AND YOU SAID BYE AUNT JANE I LOVE YOU!
i CAN'T DO THIS

I LOVE YOU.
I WILL WRITE AGAIN LATER.
I HAVE ALOT TO SAY, MOMMY

Monday, June 16, 2003 10:26 PM CDT

new pictures of Hannah , Michael I hope you are safe.
I love you Mommy

Tuesday, June 10, 2003 1:25 PM CDT

2years 11 months today,why does it feel so fresh, why does the pain seem to be worse this year than the past year. I said I would let you go, I have tried and tried, I just don't feel as tough by me saying the words is really doing what I say... did that make sense?
I just still feel so empty and angry and jelous I have so many emotions going through my head. They differ from day to day and they way I feel differs from day to day.One day I'm angry at people,the next I have sympathy or empathy I'm not sure which one. it also depends on if its an angry day or happy I feel as tough the roller coaster ride is punishment of some sort. I still ache so bad from the words we spoke during your illness. the words that you are going to be fine and that we never gave up when the odds were not good. and did we do everything we could to find the right place for you. and if only I would have moved you sooner to Duke your little lungs may not have had as much scar tissue and they may have been able to with sttod the radiation therapy better. most of all our lives without you is so hard for me I am not whole and I don't know how to pick my self up and get moving. I have no strength I have no ambition, no drive , I know that you where my driving force and you should still be my will but I just feel helpless...

Sunday, June 1, 2003 10:02 AM CDT

June already I can't beleive that you will be gone for 3 years this July 10th.
I have decided to let you go on that walk with God Michael, It will be hard, but I will let you go. I have to. I can't go on like this anymore I have to let you go. You need to be free and I need to be free from the pain and misery I am tourturing myself with. I will always love you and I will never be the whole again. So I have to chin up and get busy. So I will try to start today. Daddy and I are going to quit smoking.TODAY!
WE LOVE AND MISS YOU VERY MUCH.
NO THAT WE WILL NEVER HAVE THE LIFE WE THOUGHT WE WOULD HAVE WITHOUT YOU IN IT. THE PAIN AND THE SORROW WILL ALWAYS BE THER AND I WILL STILL CRY BUT I KNOW NOW YOU ARE FREEE TO GO WITH GOD AND BE AT PEACE. MICHAEL I'M NOT SURE O CAN DO THIS............ IT HURTS SO BAD

Friday, April 25, 2003 9:19 AM CDT

wow april 25th already, my how time is flying by this year.
Michael we have been busy building the addition onto the house. right now we are at a stand still (no money) I expect we will be in under construction for--ever.
JoAn is having a 70th birthday we will celebrate this weekend with her and the family (JoAn is Mick's partner in buss. it's his Mom) I have found a lot of sick kids web pages and I tried to go to them yesterday and it is so tough knowing that they are going through all of what you and the family went through. but we can only pray that the kids get better, not that I don't want you to have new friends but I would prefer that your friends be older understand...
Michael I miss you so much I can only see the child that left us on july 10th I will never know what you truly look today now that you are 8 years old. the year you died you were going to start school and baseball that summer season.. I am stuck there.. God help me through these days, I really only have a few good months out of the year because we were in the hospital for so many months before you passed and than the special months from oct to july I truly have to hold my breath and just grin and bare the pain of each day that we spent together and now we are apart. I cry so much and I have this pit in my stomach and a hole in my heart. a piece of me died with you.

I love you Michael, Momma...see you bright eyed and bushy tailed
please pray as there are a few kids I recently have become in contact with are having a lot of trouble with graf vs host and the complications of the transplant again and relapses...

FRIDAY, April 11, 2003 12:47 PM EST

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY. YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN EIGHT YEARS OLD TODAY. I MISS YOU SO MUCH. SWEET DREAMS MICHAEL. I LOVE YOU ..MOMMIE DADDY & HANNAH

Monday, March 24, 2003 2:23 PM CST

GOD BLESS OUR TROOPS AND OUR FAMILY IN KUWAIT.
NO THAT OUR HEARTS AND PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU ALL, HOPE YOU ARE SAFE.
I CAN'T HELP BUT WONDER HOW THIS IS GOING TO EFFECT OUR CHILDREN FOR THE GENERATIONS TO COME!
GOD GUIDES US ALL AND SHOW US THE WAY TO END OF THE DARK TUNNEL THAT LIES AHEAD FOR TO MANY TO MENTION. GOD BE YOU YOU ALL AND TAKE CARE OF THE INNOCENT...
PEACE BE WITH YOU ...
MICHAEL WE LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU!
TAKE CARE OF THE WAR VICTIMS AND LET THEM KNOW THEY ARE LOVED AND MISSED BY MANY... AND THAT WE ALL HAVE MANY MIXED EMOTIONS ABOUT THE WAR.FROM ALL WALKS OF LIFE AND ALL OF THE WORLD......
WE ARE ALL HUMAN.... GO IN PEACE AND WE WILL SEE YOU ON THE OTHER SIDE... JANE RICE & FAMILY

TO MY NEPHEW NICHOLAS EDWARD HILDBOLD WHO IS STATIONED ON THE U.S.S.ABRAHAM LINCOLN. GOD BLESS YOU AND KEEP YOU SAFE...DO WHAT YOU BELEIVE IN NICK BUT PLEASE COME HOME SAFE TO YOUR FAMILY. WE MISS SO MUCH AND ARE VERY WORRIED ABOUT YOUR SAFETY, AUNT JANE

PLEASE SIGN OUR PAGE IN SUPPORT FOR MICHAEL'S COUSIN NICHOLAS. NICK IS ON THE U.S.S. ABRAHAM LINCOLN..

Monday, March 17, 2003 7:57 AM CST

Happy St Patrick's Day Michael Christopher,
boy it was hard signing in today, just remembering when I would sign in I would have to Hurry to get back to you, because the computer wasn't in your room all the time. so I would be in a panic to hurry and get back to you before you knew I was gone. now I panic all the time, I always thought would have you in my arms until my dying days... It is your baby sisters Birthday. she is 2 years old today ,already,
you would have been 8 this April 11th
oh God help me get through the day... It has been tough trying to make it through these past few days. mentally for me.. all of the things we where doing in these months at the hospital your birthday and all St Patricks day and the the big celebration your Birthday. We always had a big blow out bash for your birthday,, and I think back today and wonder not why but thank God we did we always lived our lives to the fullist with you.. its so strange now... now we have a hard time finding time to be together...(our family...me and your daddy) our 10 year Anniversary is coming up april 17th your daddy and I will have been married 10 years. hard to believe... we always thought that our lives couldn't be more perfect when you came along our lives had new meaning (as all moms and dads experince)
but we were older and everything was just exactly what anyone could ask for.. I still ahve this but the pain we feel becfause of the loss of you is very great and I sometimes wonder how to get through each day.... And than Hannah comes yelling through the house MMMMOOOMMMMM.
Michael I love you and miss you as my heart aches painfully for the day we can be togther again... I will wait ...no it's not easy and I couldn't do it if you weren't such a tremendous ball of strength for us. but this is what also keeps me going is the courage and strength you showed.. I just think you would have handled anything & everyting with the same outlook... I will do the best that I can do for you !!!!!!! DEAL? DEAL!
lov momma!

Wednesday, February 26, 2003 1:44 PM CST

Hi Michael,
Friday Hannah is going to her first modeling appointment. they want me to bring in some pictures so I took some on the 25th and put them in the picture section of the web page. We'll see if she wants to do what they ask. If not Oh well. I was talking to Aunt Tammy, she wants to come down to go to Daytona for Bike Week. I told Daddy to find a babysitter for Hannah on Friday and he'll watch her the rest of the weekend. I haven't been to bike week since you where a baby. But we took you with us and just people watched (I think we took you) I know we took you down to key west with us for Dog Days. You where flirting with all the girls in their bakini's. You where offering them A.B.C. pretzles. For those of you who don't know what abc stands for think about it.......
Michael I love you and miss you!
Hannah has been saying "my Michael" for over a week now. we all have been noticing this... I remember when ever you had or wanted something you would say ah...michaels ahh michaels .... just so cute. and the peanut butter in the cabinet when I caught you on video...
LOVE YOU! MOMMA

Tuesday, February 25, 2003 6:13 AM CST

Good morning sunshine,
You know last night I had you on my mind a lot. I sometimes feel as though I am all alone with this, your daddy reaches his arm out for me as I come through the door @10 pm. and thats about all the reaching out he does. I have been trying to fill the gap, but some days it seems to get farther away from me. I know we'll be fine, Its' just having to be the one to discuss any problems, and my and micks family manage to keep our share of problems at an all time high.... I truly don't understand. Why can't everyone just live and let live. But take care of your priorities first, your children your house and than the family. some of them think they are rich... we all do the same thing...we work for someone else.... so how can we be anything but poor..... hahahaha lol... actually I know how much money I make and I have been doing the same job for over 9 years....I guess I'll have to back up and try to just avoid confrontations... and hope they come to their senses and remember you only get once chance,don't mess it up!.
Michael, I was talking to Colleen and Jimmy (they lost their john when he was a baby) and we were teasing about our first born, I told Jimmy he could have My first born but if he found you to let me know, because I can barely stand it here without you, Hannah helps me get through the day, but She is not you. I told you that no one will ever take your place. I can't tell you how much I appriciate having her... she is what gets me through each and every day. I truly wouldn't know where I would be today almost 3 years since your death. we are the ones in waiting for our eternal life here after with you!
I love you ! Gotcha... see you bright eyed and bushy tailed MOMMA

Thursday, February 20, 2003 10:15 PM CST

Long time since I have updated. Been busy and working a lot. Mick's younger brother moved back to Florida from Indiana. So we have been busy geting them settled in. I put a diferent picture of Hannah in the photo spot.
I am going to go for now. not much to say tonight. I love you my darling and I miss you.
Momma

Wednesday, January 22, 2003 at 10:56 PM (CST)

Hi Michael...
I can't believe that the holidays have come and gone. I sent a modeling agent pictures of Hannah and they called and want to set up an appt. tp talk with us. now some how I have to find time to go to Ft. Lauderdale. Aunt Mandy & Uncle Chris moved here.. austin started school yesterday, and they went to the dirt track tonight Garett isn't used to riding in the sand. austin loved it...
Daddy and I watched old home videos (before you where born)
we had gone to NM. UT. CO. AZ to what they call the four corners we had the best time.. in one day we drove through a forest fire, blazing yellow aspen trees, driving throught he mountains with clear skies one minute a blizzard in the next minute hale in a next minute and than back to the warm dessert. it is truly amazing and all within a couple of hours.. we drove to the top of the mountains over 10,000 feet high tall tall waterfalls beaver damns that looked like little cities, otters floating and playing in the streams. deer crossing our path hiking to hot springs... running over ,, forgive me I have no idea how to spell..( "HEY" "keep your comments to yourself.. )( no spell check ) tranchula???? and the van went thump thump....eaks... but it was so much fun ..oh well I guess you seen these videos..I forgot.. but the best part since I've gone this far is watching the Hot Air balloons go up at the crack of dawn and the hissing of the flames and the shadows peaking through from the sunrising as each balloon passes through it's rays It is just awsome.. what a site I so would have loved for you to have had the chance to see these things.. we tried... and as I said befor you watched these videos over and over.. well I'm going to go for now...I love you and miss you so much...God Keep you safe until I can be with you...Momma!

Monday, January 06, 2003 at 10:41 PM (CST)

Hello everyone. Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and a very Happy New Year!

I guess it does get easier my heart still aches and I still cry all the time but I can find a smile within the tears now .
when I say MIchael's name Hannah says it like shes crying copying her momma I guess so I have to be more aware. but it's so hard. she is the one who makes me think of you .. and I can only go to another room but she follows me...

we spent the holidays with the family. I had to work christmas eve but met up with everyone at aunt deb's house. christmas morningwe went to breakfast at aunt kathy's and uncle bill's and than we went to grandma's house and than to RoRo's ... and than home, whew!
we forgot the honeybaked ham at home before we went to Ro Ro's so we had to drive all the way home to get it..
but all in all it was fun... and for New Years we went to Rick and Karen's.. but I still didn't feel the same without you... we spent 2000 in the hospital remember?
we had the lights and party stremers and noise makers and we were with A.J and his sister Kristy....
and we had snackies...
Michael I love you Honey I can't wait to be with you again.... somedays are still very rough.. fall off the face of the earth rough.. and I have been having alot of ourburst at work I almost punched one of the girls in the office(smart mouth bratt)I won't go there

any way I love you, and wish I could see you and hold you in my arms just for a moment
all my love Momma

Monday, December 09, 2002 at 10:32 PM (CST)

Hi Michael, Well Christmas is nearing and I haven't finished my shopping. Can you believe it has been a year since Julie started her transplant and now she is doing great. Her Mom has invited us to the one year party of her rebirthday.
They are having the candlelighters Christmas party this weekend already,
whoops I forgot!

It has been pretty difficult trying to function ... we always made a lot of cookies,and shopped, shopped, shopped God you loved to go shopping. remember?
it rained all day so I didn't bake the ice box cookies. I was afraid something would go wrong.. besides I didn't feel so well.
and what a better time to do nothing than when it's raining?
I put new pictures of Hannah in your page . she is something else boy. You where right I'd have another child. but she was specially made to keep me busy so my heart doesn't ache while I'm chasing her or trying to understand her jibber jabber, it's all coming together as sentences.. soon we are going to be in big trouble. Momma put her in her big girl bed (your bed) and now she just thinks she has the run of the house..
well I'm going to close for now.
I love you so very much. come to me in my dreams baby, I miss you.
p.s. I was in the attic looking for more lights and to see what was all in the boxes and I found a lot of your clothes (I tried to find your scent but it's gone) and books and stuffed animals, that still make noise.... I miss you!

Friday, November 29, 2002 at 08:48 AM (CST)

HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!

WE LOVE YOU MICHAEL, WISH YOU WHERE HERE HAVING TURKEY AND PUMPKIN PIE.

SEE YOU BRIGHT EYED AND BUSHY TAILED,
MOMMA.

Thursday, November 07, 2002 at 10:03 PM (CST)

Hi Baby,
We had a lot of fun at the races in Sebring, Hannah had fun in the bounce houses and slides.
I didn't realize how difficult it would be to make it through the holidays without you again. I just want to pack up and leave and hope they pass quickly.
We are going to go to Bradenton after Thanksgiving and camp at the track for three days.
Daddy went to the skin doctor and he said he has cancer on his arms. He will go back soon to have somemore test done. I think it's melynoma?>?> I'm not sure even how to spell it or if this is what he said for sure.
We have 2 new kitties, Sammy and squeaker .... well I'm not to sure if her name will stay the same just yet! she is so tiny (calico) and he, Sammy, is gray tiger stripe, and very soft.
well I must go for now.
I love you!
see you bright eyed and bushy tailed!
MOMMA!

Thursday, October 31, 2002 at 11:05 PM (CST)

Happy Halloween Michael,
I love you!
Hannah and Grandma went to the mall to trick or treat,Momma had to work again &
Daddy had to work on the truck tonight so we would be able to go to the races in Bradenton this weekend, The nostalgia race is this weekend (flag starts, no lights)
just like in the old'n days
Boy I didn't relize how tough this day would be without you here, Halloween was your favorite.
and it seemed as every song that came on the radio reminded me of you!
well maybe it was you reminding me that you are here with us!
I love you!
see you bright eyed and bushy tailed!
LOVE MOMMA!
DADDY AND LIL' SIS HANNAH

HAPPY HALLOWEEN BABY
OXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
ps I put a new picture of Hannah in the web page>
our lil' lady bug

Thursday, October 24, 2002 at 11:24 PM (CDT)

Hi!
I'm going to put a picture of you in the photo section of the web page! I thought it was just fit for the occasion, and I'm not sure why the last page was spread out all over the place. I know you didn't have to read it but !!!!!!!!!!
well I'm so glad I don't have to work tomorrow, Its getting pretty crazy! I just need a break, We haven't gone on vacation since May, And I haven't had a day to just really kick back and enjoy the veiw! I'm not sure if I'll get to take my whole vacation in nov,? I'm trying !!!!! so we can go to the cabin. I really feel a sense of need for being there, closer to you! but anyways I'm going to go for now ...... know your always in my heart!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love you! Momma!
and daddy and grandma and everyone else >>>>>>>>>>>
we all miss you so much.
Michael keep a close eye on Jess. She is going to be a Doctor you know? because of you !!!!!!!!
let her know we are thinking of her.
Bye baby!

Tuesday, October 22, 2002 at 10:56 PM (CDT)

Hi Honey,
Well it is getting closer to season here in florida (@ U.P.S) so I have been working later and later and lots more packages and lots more hours and over time. ha!
We are going to sebring this weekend for the Holloween s.c.c.a. race for the KIDS ....I sure wish you could be there with us.
I still see your face watching the cars go by and I remember how much you loved being there and I also remember the holloween candy pinyattas, What a great time we had,I know you'll be watching us and hope you are having a great time up there with Dale Ernhardt and Adam Petty. Tell them we said hi and to take you on a crazy ride, As I know all my fear that stemmed from your illness, is no longer an issue with you ..... so go have fun, live dangerously what have you GOT TO LOSE!
Hannah is going to a lady bug for holloween, and Grandma is taking her out for lots and lots of candy, we just haven;t decided where! Michael
not a DAY GOES BY I don't long to touch you and hold you, what I would like the most is to have you come to me in my dreams, it ahs been a long time since you have even been a glimps of you in my dreams. I think the only time, I heard you! I was laying on the couch and I heard you call my name and I awoke to silence.
God please help me make it through!
I love you so much and each day I feel you slipping away farther and farther your 5 yeasr old body and face are all I have. I will never see you grow to that young handsom man that you were becoming. I have to go, I love you soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much! and miss you even more!!!!!!!!!!! please let me know you are with us over the weekend!
love you MOMMA!(MOMMIE JANE) REMEMBER?
Hannah is now calling daddy, daddy Mick!

Wednesday, October 02, 2002 at 01:30 PM (CDT)

HI HONEY,
WELL THE TIME IS NEARING FOR THE SEBRING RACES AGAIN, AND THIS YEAR THEY EXPECT A HUGE TURN OUT. DADDY AND I WERE DISCUSSING THE PLANS FOR THE PARTY AND ALL THE DETAILS OF THE SCHEDULED EVENTS. ITS GOING TO BIG AND A LOT OF FUN, MY HEART ACHES TO THINK YOU WONT BE THERE WITH US TO ENJOY THE RACES.
DADDY HAS BEEN DOING WELL WITH RACING, HE WON 5000$ AT BRADENTON AND THAN LAST WEEKEND (THE ONE BEFORE LAST) HE CAME INTO THE FINALS AND WON A LITTLE BIT OF MONEY,ENOUGH TO COVER THE ENTRY FEES.
WELL I WANTED TO UP DATE TO GET THE PAGE OFF OF SEPT 11,
AND TO LET YOU KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART AND NOT A DAY GOES BY THAT I DON'T MISS YOUR SMILE OR MISS HEARING YOUR VOICE.
LAST NIGHT I SAT AND HELD YOUR CLOTHES BY MY HEART TO HELP EASE THE PAIN. I NEED NOT EXPLAIN I'M SURE YOU WERE WITH ME.
I LOVE YOU ! GOTCHA!XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
SEE YOU BRIGHT EYED AND BUSHY TAILED.
LOVE MOMMA!

Wednesday, September 11, 2002 at 11:42 PM (CDT)

MICHAEL I LOVE YOU AND THANK YOU FOR TRYING TO HELP ME
9/11
ONLY A FEW MORE MINUTES AND THIS DAY WILL BE OVER!
THIS HAS BEEN ONE OF THE LONGEST DAYS OF MY LIFE AND I'M SURE OF MANY OTHERS (PEOPLE)ALSO!
WELL OF COURSE I STARTED MY DAY TURNING THE T.V ON TO BE WITH THE NATION IN IT'S TIME OF MOURNING, BY THE TIME THEY(THE NEWS BROADCASTERS) HAD REACH THE LETTERS "B" I JUST COULDN'T BARE TO WATCH ANYMORE,SO THAN I PICKED UP THE NEWSPAPER AND READ TIL I COULD SEE THROUGH THE TEARS.
WELL HANNAH AND I HAVEN'T BEEN FEELING TOTALLY UP TO PAR,WE BOTH HAVE HAD FEVERS IN THE PAST FEW DAYS HANNAH'S HIGHER THAN MINE AND JUST NOT FEELING WELL,STIFF NECK,NOT EATING RIGHT,SO WITH THIS WEST NILE VIRUS,I THOUGH I'D BETTER CALL THE DOC. I EXPLAINED THE SYMTOMS AND SHE CALLED BACK AND SAID LETS SEE YOU BOTH TODAY,SO HANNAH AND I WENT TO THE DOC'S AND AS I WAS GETTING OUT OF THE CAR THERE WASA A CARD(BUSINESS SIZE) ON THE GOUND.ALL I SAW WAS THE NAME MICHAEL,EARLIER TODAY WHEN I WAS IT MY STATE OF DISTRAUGHT,I WAS OBVIOUSLY THINKING OF OUR MICHAEL,I'M NOT SURE,MAYBE IT WAS HIS WAY OF SHOWING ME HE WAS WITH US (AS I LOOK BACK FOR REASON) SO HANNAH AND I HAD OUR BLOOD DRAWN,IT WILL BE ONE WEEK BEFORE THE RESULTS RETURN.
BARELY MADE IT HOME IN TIME TO GET TO WORK, WHEN I FINALLY MADE IT TO WORK,I HAD BEEN TALKING ABOUT A CO-WORKER WHO HAD BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH HODGKINS LYMPHOMA,AND HOW DISAPPOINTED I WAS WITH U.P.S. FOR NOT KEEPING US INFORMED OF HIS WELL BEING,WELL TO SHORTEN,I HAD A PACKAGE WITH HIS SAME LAST NAME AND I CALLED A SIMULAR ADDRESS WITH THE SAME LAST NAME AND I CALLED AND THIS MAN ANSWERED THE PHONE AND HE SAID NO WHO IS THIS?
IS THIS JANE?
DO YOU KNOW WHO THIS IS?
NO>!
IT JOHNNY HE SAYS
I ABOUT HIT THE FLOOR!

SO THANK YOU FOR THE DAY AND BUT THANK YOU ALSO FOR IT TO DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!
THROUGH THIS DAY!
I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU!
MY HEART ACHES AND MY MIND IS JUST IN SHAMBLES.

SEE YOU BABY,BRIGHT EYED AND BUSHY TAILED!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, September 05, 2002 at 09:50 PM (CDT)

wow how time flies.Hannah is almost 18 months old. and holloween will be here before you know it. i heard, (at work) that a store here in naples has it's christmas decorations up already.That is taboo for us UPSers.
well I really don't have much to say.just that I was thinking of Michael today and yesterday a lot so I thought I'd come to the page and so here I am.
well I guess I kind of lied I DO HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL!
MICHAEL DADDY WON 5000$ IN BRADENTON LABOR DAY WEEKEND. HE CAME IN 1ST PLACE IN THE COMBO CLASS.The envy of all the guys.And mommy's birthday is just around the corner.daddy had a flat tire going into the semi final round.he had the BUY RUN,which means there where 5 cars and mick had the best time in his class,so he raced alone. 2 cars race at one time but there where only 5 so got the BUY RUN( maybe a reation time ) i'm not real sure.and he had a flat tire so he only had his self to loose to and than the rain came . so he hurried and patched the tires tube DURING THE RAIN DELAY and went on to WIN!!!!!!

MICHAEL GUESS WHAT ?????
I LOVE YOU YOU! GOTCHA!
SEE YOU BRIGHTED EYED AND BUSHY TAILED! MOMMA
PS I WENT TO BARNES AND NOBLE AND BOUGHT HANNAH THE MOO! BAA! LA! LA! LA! BOOK!
SECRET! THAT ONLY A FEW UNDERSTAND! BUT IF YOU EVER WATCHED OUR HOME VIDEOS OF MICHAEL LEARNING TO READ YOU'D UNDERSTAND>
BYE!

Wednesday, August 28, 2002 at 09:51 PM (CDT)

I know it has been along time since I have updated. We have good news about Mick's legs and the bone grafting.Doc says go ahead and walk on it.....So he has taken off the boot for most of the day and still sleeps with it from time to time.But doing well so far.
Hannah is just getting so big,I can ahrdly keep up!I PUT NEW PHOTO'S IN THE PHOTO ALBUM YOU MUST SEE HER SHE'S ABSOLUTELY A BABY DOLL!
AND SUCH JOY TO Have around, she is so good and well behaved.Michael would have just loved her,It is still so hard to believe he is gone and she is here.
I thank God everyday for her. But still wonder why Michael had to leave?
well I must go please look at the pictures she is just such a ray of sunshine I have to share her with you!

Tuesday, July 16, 2002 at 09:20 PM (CDT)

my dearest Michael I'm sure you already know that Mercedes passed away on friday the 12th, We just saw her. she was fighting with one of the nurse(play fighting) I told her mommy she will do fine because she's a fighter.
I can't believe it she was doing so well when we saw her,but than again you were playing with your cousins the day before you passed away.
Michael Austin and Garrett are coming to visit,they will be here in just a few hours.this will be the first time they have been back to the house since you and Austin were riding your atc and his dirt bike.
please come to visit us while they are here,I want to know that you are playing once again with Austin.I am so distraught about Mercedes. I feel guilty. would never wish harm to anyone. especially the kids that we tried to help.
i was just wondering if we hadn't taken you to transplant when we did would you have still been here all this time.
baby please help her and her mommy to adjust to the pain we all feel when we loose a child or loved one.
I have to close now.I love you with all my heart.
see you brighted eyed and bushy tailed,love you GOTCHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, July 11, 2002 at 08:34 AM (CDT)

YESTERDAY I FELT SO ALONE. IT WAS 2 YEARS AGO THAT OUR MICHAEL JOIN THE HEAVENLY SKIES.
I WAS AFRAID TO GO TO THE WEB PAGE FOR I MAY HAVE BEEN PUSHED A LITTLE TO HARD TO UPDATE. THAN THIS MORNING I WENT TO MY E-MAIL AND I RELIZED, BY KNOW MEANS AM I ALONE THANK YOU ALL FOR KEEPING OUR MICHAEL IN YOUR HEARTS.
YOU'LL NEVER KNOW HOW MUCH THIS MEANS TO ME.
EACH DAY THAT PASSES I FEEL HIM SLIPPING AWAY. HE WOULD HAVE BEEN 7 YEARS OLD APRIL 11TH AND I CAN'T SEE HIM 7 AND THAN AS THE YEARS PASS I WON'T SEE HIM BUT I HAVE THIS VIVID PICTURE IN MY HEAD OF HIM WITHOUT HAIR AND VERY ILL BUT STILL SMILING AND CALLING MOMMA................ AND I HEAR HIM SAYING MOMMA. I WILL SIT ON THE COUCH AND CLOSE MY EYES AND THIS IS WHEN HE COMES TO ME.
I STILL DON'T DREAM ABOUT HIM. I GUESS IT IS ALL STILL TO DIFFICULT TO BARE.
JESS MICHAEL'S BUDDY FROM THE HOSPITAL E-MAILED US TO LET US KNOW THAT SHE WAS THINKING OF US AND MICHAEL(AND MANY OTHERS DID ALSO)
SHES OFF IN EUROPE BACK PACKING.
AND OTHER COMPLETE STRANGERS AND MISS KLAIR AND MY COUSIN WHOM I HAVE NEVER MET.AND MANY OTHERS..
THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

HANNAH IS SO BIG NOW SHE WAS 27LBS AND 33 INCHES AND 17 MONTHS WOOOOOOOOOOOOW!
BUT SHE IS JUST SO WELL BEHAVED I AM SO BLESSED TO HAVE HER AND ALL OF YOU STILL!

MICHAEL I MISS YOU SO MUCH.
THE DAYS GO BY AND STILL I HAVE SO MANY UNANSWERED ?'S
AND I STILL CRY,AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW I'M SO SORRY FOR CRYING BUT I CAN'T HELP IT THE TEARS JUST FLOW AND FLOW AND FLOW................
I ONCE READ A LETTER BEFORE YOU LEFT US, FROM A DAUGHTER AND SHE WROTE ABOUT THE PAIN THAT SHE DISCOVERED THE DAY HER MOTHER PASSED, ABOUT THE CHILD SHE HAD LOST. SHE NEVER KNEW THE PAIN THAT HER MOM CARRIED WITH HER ALL THOSE YEARS AND THIS IS WHAT I FEAR, THE PAIN ALL THESE YEARS. NO AMOUNT OF WORDS AND KNOW AMOUNT OF COMFORT WILL EVER TAKE THE MEMORY OF THE DAYS WE SPENT IN THE HOSPITAL FIGHTING FOR YOUR LIFE AND THE VISION OF YOU IN ICU AND US HAVING TO MAKE THE DISCSION OF YOUR LIFE AND THAN YOU LEAVING US.
I COULDN'T DO ANYTHING. AND I TOLD YOU THAT I WOULD.
GOD HELP ME TO GET THROUGH THIS DAY.
I LOVE YOU BABY, MOMMA

Tuesday, June 18, 2002 at 08:28 PM (CDT)

wow what a day,we went to Micks doc today and the bone graft is taking,but he said another 8 weeks of the boot and crutches 25% weight baring, and the leg looks real good. so this is what he'll have to do to continue growth of the graft.........
we had sometime to kill between Hannah's 15 month check so we to the hospital to see all of Michaels dr's and nurses and they were all there!
but I was caught off guard Alisha is Mercedes' Mommy,I saw her as I walked into dr salmans office. so I asked the dr about mercedes, and how she was doing?
Mercedes was diagnosed relapsed the same time Michael was almost 2 1/2 years ago,
but apparently she didn't go for transplant,BUT MY GOD SHE'S STILL ALIVE.
I did also find out she will be going for transplant in Jax,Fl.please pray for her. pray for the best for them as when she relapsed they couldn't find a donor for her.I'm not sure about this now!
I cried on the way home as I do now. I explained to Mick how I felt and what I was thinking. it will be three years Michael relaps in dec. We could have had him all this time? I don't understand why we had to make the decision about Michael and such when we really don't have a clue.we listen to the doctors all the way until it gets tough and than all of a sudden we have to make the decision about our sons life.
this is what gets me,(I have no blame for the doctors. I know this happens to everyone)I am just trying to understand why things went the way they did for Michael and and us.

we also saw doug's mom dawn and his lil' brother Michael at dr Farmers (doug is one of our kids that died)we talked for a while,we seem to be going through the same problems at home with communication break down,BUT WE ARE ON OUR WAY BACK.
This is the toughest I have ever lived my life and I struggle everyday with Michaels death,having Hannah makes everyday easier for both of us.but our lives will never be the same without our precious little boy,our first born our bestest buddy in the whole wide world.
Mick says he is a survivor, he knows know other way.
I just have to remember this and that Michael would not want me to cry.
well I must go now.
thank you God for this day!

Michael I'll see YOU bright eyed and bushy tailed
I LOVE YOU!
GOTCHA!!!!!!!!!!

Daddy loves you and misses you sooooooooo much I know you know what was going on with us but we have a strong love and a strong bond because of you! You taught us how to fight and we have come to far to give up !

RIGHT!
RIGHT!
love mommy

Saturday, June 01, 2002 at 07:24 AM (CDT)

june 1st already,I updated a couple of days ago,but it didn't make it to the web page.
Mick is still home form work.
alll I can say is we are very lucky to have the company he works for in our corner.they are the bestest people in the whole world!

I still am tring to get oranized, priorities straight,right now I guess I am doing this because they are Mick & and Hannah butt!
we also have a new e-amil
hannahbutt@aol.com
cute huh?
well everything else has been used except if I added and number or another letter to the e-mail address,than I wouldn't remember it. Our vacation to the shore was so nice and relaxing,Mick was wonderful and Hannah was a perfect angel (hahahahahah) for the most part. its tough traveling and having to sit in a car seat for hours butt... she did it.
she is so big now the 17th of this month she will be 15 months.
she wants to talk so bad ,well she does it anyways. she'll just jibber jabber for minutes and she knows exactly what she's telling you!
or when I go to pick her upo from grandmas house and we put her in the car we'll talk for a minute and she'll jabber and wave ! so we all know that it's time for hannah to go home.
well I going to close hannah and I are going to dance to MEATLOAF "BAT OUT OF HELL"
JAMMIN""""""""""""""""

MISS YOU BABY SEE YOU BRIGTHED EYED AND BUSHY TAILED. I'LL WRITE AGAIN SOON

JANE

Thursday, May 09, 2002 at 12:49 PM (CDT)

just a quick note to say hi,
we went to the jersey shore for vacation.we had a really nice time.
Michael we had done this trip with you so you were very much on my mind the whole time.
your lil' sister kept us highly entertained.she discovered he mirror and she just made us laugh so hard.
she's a big ham bone like you!
so hows my punki blu!!!!!!!!!!!
when i came home from work on tuesday,it sunk in that she wasn't going to be greeting me at the car anymore.
same as I'll never here you tell me "Hey momma! and I say what Michael, and you'd say.......I Love You! GOTCHA ....
I just am hanging on by a thread,the trip was very good for us but the minute I walked into the house you and all the memories HIT ME LIKE A TON OF BRICKS!
I told daddy (well everyone says this) that I didn't want to go back home,with your birthday still so fresh in my mind and than mothers day, the day you left us is quicking aproching two years .
God Michael, I can't be lieve you are there with out me with out momma,I want you here with me so bad.......
I can't stand the pain.
these few days have been hard, so long as I don't talk about You or think about You, But it's impossible your are a part me that will never be whole again, and I feel so empty in my heart for so many things.I have to get back!
I just don't feel as though I will ever get back to the way I used to be and a part of me will dye forever along with you,and relationship will suffer because of this,that I'm not sure will ever be repaired,or in my heart the way they used to be!
You see You were my life My WORLD,and now that your gone so is part of my world,
Don't get me wrong I will de as well as I can with your sister and she will now how brave you are and how you have helped mommmy and daddy get to where we are today,Because of YOUR strengths and courage and I do feel as though I can add wisdom,
you gave me all of these things and SO MUCH MORE.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THAT I HOPE I CAN MAKE YOU PROUD OF ME THE WAY YOU MADE ME SO SO SO SO SO PROUD OF YOU !!!!!!!!!!!
I MUST GO,

SEE YOU BRIGHT EYED AND BUSHY TAILED!
GOTCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, April 25, 2002 at 08:56 AM (CDT)

MICHAEL
KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN FOR PUNKI,SHE'S ON HER WAY TO YOU!
I WONDER IF THINGS WILL GET EASIER,DADDY HAD A DOC APPT THIS MORNING AND PUNKI HAS BEEN SO SICK AND COULD HARDLY WALK SO HE TOOK HER AUNT DEB SO SHE COULD GET PUNKI TO YOU!
MOMMA JUST COULDN'T DO IT!
SHE WAS SUFFERING AND NOT EATING WELL.SHE HAD CANCER JUST LIKE YOU BABY,SO TAKE CARE OF HER UNTIL I CAN GET THERE TO TAKE CARE OF BOTH OF YOU!

MOMMA
SEE YOU BRIGHT EYED AND BUSHY TAILED MY SWEET ANGEL.
I LOVE YOU!
TELL BANDY HELLO FROM MOMMA AND DADDY

Thursday, April 18, 2002 at 10:25 PM (CDT)

just coming in from work,had to take hannah to grandma's house tonight.
mick had more surgery on wednesday the 10th,
the left legs bone was infected.for about ten weeks prior to this surgery,he had antibiotic (cement beads) in his leg,and having to have an antibiotic run through a pick line in his arm,for the same length of time, so this time they went in to do a bone graft and to take these beads out of his leg.
the bone grafting came from the same side (left) from his hip,they capped the hip (took the tip off) and than scraped the bone marrow out and put it into a pocket in his leg where the bone was very thin or not growing back together, the doc said he didn't want to see us again in the hospital only in the office from now on.
today Mick went to talk to the doc and he told him, 4 more weeks of total non weight baring,to use the crutches and to stay off the leg.
well than to make situation worse it was our 9 year anniversary on the 17th and I completly forgot. Hannah and I had gone out to exchange some things at the mall. I'm sure he thought that I was getting something than.
to my surprise when I come home there were flowers on the table,me, totally puzzled,I asked, who are these from? he said read the card.

strangly enough he was happy that I forgot and he remembered. but I still feel really bad (I did get him a card)
hannah is just getting so big and independent.she's starting to walk, and she doesn't even want help.
and happy boy this little girl is happy for everyone. she has so much happiness flowing out of her that it spills out onto everyone around her.I say she's magical!
I see so much in her that reminds me of Michael. I sometimes think it is him only reincarnated( I hope I don't offend anyone) I was holding him the minute his soul left this earth.
well I should close for now.
Michael I hope you had a wonderful 7th birthday!!!!!!!!!!
I just love you so much and miss you....... the pain, oh God the pain!

bye for now,
MOMMA

Thursday, April 11, 2002 at 08:24 AM (CDT)

SEVEN YEARS AGO TODAY OUR LIVES CHANGED FOREVER,WE HAD A BEAUTIFUL LITTLE BOY NAMED MICHAEL CHRISTOPHER RICE, NEVER IN MY LIFE COULD I EVER IMAGIN THAT I WOULD BE SITTING HERE TODAY WITHOUT HIM,
AS MY HUSBAND, ONCE AGAIN SITS IN THE HOSPITAL AFTER HAVING HIS 8TH SURGERY,HE IS ALONE.
I SURE HOPE HE IS OK.THIS DAY LAST YEAR I WAS IN INDIANA,I COULDN'T BARE THE THOUGHT OF SITTING AT HOME ALONE.I NEVER EVEN ONCE THOUGHT OF MICK(BEFORE I LEFT,I JUST WENT NOT THINKING OR EVEN CONSCIENCE OF THE DESCISION.TODAY I HAVE A LITTLE PITTER PATTER OF FEET NOW HERE COME THE FINGERS AND EVERThing falling.well have to go

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANGEL MOMMA,DADDY & HANNAH
aqZaz this is from h2 hannah1111111111bu xcc4gkwenenh4yvutdkv354kgb,h

WE LOVE YOU!
,? RDTEWZAXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
LOTS OF KISSES

SEE YOU SOON MOMMA
SAY A PRAYER FOR DADDY!

Monday, April 08, 2002 at 10:44 PM (CDT)

Tonight Michael's death is heavy on my mind.
His 7th birthday is the 11th.
God how I miss him.I feel just so unwhole if that is such a word.my life is just not complete.The pain is ever so strong as the day he left us.I see his face and see myself wondering God what descision do we make to try to save Him,this just keeps racing through my mind.I have to literally shake my head to try to stop the panic from taking over.
I always wonder why? why my child? why him? why Michael?But than you think why anyone?I am just so longing for his touch, a sound of his voice. the smell of his sweet boyishness.I call to him to come to me in my dreams, sometimes I think the dreams I have with Him are the ones I don't remember,I feel his presents sometimes,like something of his will make a noise or I'll find something of his in a strange place.
I miss you so much I ache so much,my heart is just hurting all the time,when I see a little boy I have to ask whats his name,how old is he?
I have to go for now, know that we love you so much and I can't wait to see you again. I love you Mommy!
Gotcha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, March 18, 2002 at 07:53 PM (CST)

What a great day we had yesterday.
Our little girl is one year old now.
Michael you should have seen her.
What a ham bone!
JUST LIKE YOU!
We really have been blessed to have her in our lives,
I am putting a couple of pictures from the video camera in the photo section of our Birthday Girl!
ENJOY!!!!!!!!!!!

LOVE TO YOU MY SWEET ANGEL!
WISH YOU WERE HERE!
MOMMA!

Wednesday, February 27, 2002 at 09:54 PM (CST)

TODAY HAS BEEN ONE OF THOSE UP AND DOWN DAYS
2 DAYS BACK TO WORK SINCE MICKS SURGERY AND IT'S NICE TO HEAR EVERYONE NEEDS ME AND MISSED ME(NINE THOUSAND TIMES)
BUT YET THERE IS STILL AN EMPTINESS INSIDE OF ME THAT KNOW WORDS CAN FILL,WHEN I GO TO MY PJ DRAW THERE SITS MICHAEL'S CLOTHES FROM THE DAY HE PASSED I TRY SO HARD TO GET THE SMELL OF HIM AND I CAN'T NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY,THAN I BREAK DOWN INTO TO TEARS AND HANNAH SMILES SOON SHE WILL UNDERSTAND WHAT MOMMAS CRY IS ABOUT,SOON SHE WILL KNOW WHAT A WONDERFUL BROTHER SHE HAD,AND SHE WILL UNDERSTAND THE PAIN THAT MOMMY AND DADDY FEEL.
UNTIL THAN SHE WILL BRING ME OUT OF THIS DOWNWARD SPIN THAT STARTS WHEN I THINK OF MICHAEL AND HIS SMILE AND LAUGHTER AND ALSO THE PAIN THAT HE SUFFERED WITH THE CANCER,
I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE HE IS GONE I STILL FEEL AS THOUGH I'M IN A BAD DREAM AND WILL WAKE TO SEE HIM ONE MORE TIME,AND OUR LIVES WILL BE COMPLETE AGAIN,BUT THAN I KNOW IN SIDE THAT OUR LIVES WILL ALWAYS BE FILLED WITH THIS PAIN AND WE HAVE TO SET IT ASIDE TO MAKE IT THROUGH THE DAYS,
THAN WITH MICK STILL HAVING ALL THESE PROBLEMS AND I TRY TO IMAGIN WHT HE IS GOING THROUGH,HE HAS A PICK LINE PLACED FOR HIS VANCOMYCIN (THE SAME MEDS MICHAEL HAD TO TAKE)AND THAN BEING IN THE HOSPITALS,I KNOW HOW IT AFFECTS ME SO I CAN ONLY STAND BY HIM AND REASSURE HIM THAT I WILL LOVE HIM NO MATTER THE OUT COME OF HIS LEG,I DIDN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH HIS LEG I FELL IN LOVE WITH THE MAN WHO IS KIND, CARING AND SO STRONG, BOY I TRULY DON'T KNOW WHERE HE GETS THE STRENGTH,HE NEVER COMPLAINS, AND IF I WOULD LET HIM HE WOULD BE BACK TO WORK THE NET DAY AFTER SURGERY,BUT INSTEAD HE WAITS COUPLE OF DAYS AND HE'S BACK AT IT.
WELL WE KNOW NOW WHERE MICHAEL GAINED HIS STRENGTHS,
WELL I MUST CLOSE FOR KNOW,

MICHAEL WHEN I LAY MY HEAD DOWN AT NIGHT YOUR FACE FLASHES BEFORE BE AND I TRY TO THINK OF WAHT TOMORROW WILL BRING AND HOPE THAT YOU ARE OK AND THAT YOU KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN TO US.
I LOVE YOU,SEE YOU BRIGHT EYED AND BUSHY TAILED.LOVE YOU(GOTCHA)
MOMMA

Saturday February 23, 2002 3:01 PM CST

HI TO ALL
WE ARE DOING WELL HANNAH WANTGS EGF TO HELP ME TYPE SO I HAVE TO MAKE IT FAST,
MICK HAD SURGERY ON HIS LEG THE BONE IS, WAS(WE'LL KEEP OUR FINGERS CROSSED) INFECTED SO FAR IT HAS BEEN 3 WEEKS AND HE IS DOING VERY WELL,.HE WILL HAVE SURGERY TO HAVE THE ANTIBIOTIC BEADS REMOVED AND THE DOC WILL CHECK TO SEE IF HE NEEDS BONE GRAFTING
HANNAH WILL BE ONE YEAR OLD VERY SOON AND BOY IS SHE TAKING OFF, INTO EVERYTHING ANBD WILL BE WALKING TO SOON
HABVE TO GO
LOVE TO ALL
MICHAEL I MISS YOU SO MUCH,I COULD REALLY USE YOUR HELP WITH YOUR LIL SIS, SHE'S A HAND FULL
LOVE AND KISSES BABY UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN
SEE YOU BRIGHTED EYED AND BUSHY TAILED..........
MOMMA

Saturday February 23, 2002 12:13 AM CST

here is a cute picture of us all at the sebring races back in oct.

we are all doing well,mick had surgery on his leg again,the bone is(was) infected,he will have more surgery to remove antibiotic beads and to check the bone to see how it has healed.Hannah will be ONE YEAR OLD ALREADY, ON MARCH 17TH
MICHAEL WE LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU,I BOUGTH YOU PRETTY FLOWERS FOR VALENTINES DAY AND WE WERE VERY CLOSE TO YOU AT THE CABIN.THE BOYS( AUSTIN AND GARETT CAUGHT US DINNER,I'M SURE YOU SAW IT ALL,I MISS YOU SO MUCH BABY,EVERYDAAY IS STRUGGLE TO MAKE IT THROUGH WITH OUT YOU!
I STILL CANT BELEIVE
LOVE YOU MOMMA

Thursday January 17, 2002 8:00 PM CST

well we made it through the holidays,
Hannah is so big ,she weighs 24 lbs.
10 months old today.can you believe it.march 17th she will be one year odl already.
well I just wanted to stop in and let everyone know we made it passed the holidays.
Mick is still having some problems, he will go next week for a bone scan , the infection in his leg(where the sergury was) hasn't completely gone away and keeps returning.
well take care for now,

P.S. MICHAEL'S NURSE SARA IS PREGNANT,
LOVE
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

Friday, December 07, 2001 at 10:31 PM (CST)

TIS THE SEASON FOR HUSSEL AND BUSSEL!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
FOR SOON IT WILL BE HERE AND GONE ONCE AGAIN!
BUT THIS TIME IT'S DIFFERENT, I UNDERSTAND HOW FAST SOMETHING CAN BE TAKEN AWAY FROM YOU!
AND ALL THE PLANS YOU HAVE CHANGE SO DRASTICALLY(?) I NEVER THOUGHT I'D BE SITTING HERE IN SUCH PAIN, MISSING MY CHILD AND NOT WANTING TO BELIEVE THAT IT IS REAL ,WISH THAT SOME HOW SOME WAY I WOULD AWAKEN AND MICHAEL WOULD BE IN MY ARMS AGAIN.
IS THIS REALLY MY LIFE AS IT WILL BE FOREVER, FOREVER FULL OF THIS DEEP UNEXPLAINABLE PAIN?
AS CHRISTMAS COMES ABOUT I CAN ONLY SEE YOUR FACE SO BRIGHT AND SMILEY, YOU LOVED TO HELP DECORATE.WE HAVE MILES OF FILM WITH YOU AND LIGHTS IN YOUR LITTLE HANDS!
HOPE YOU HAVE THE BEST CHRISTMAS EVER .
I LOVE YOU! MOMMA
I HAD THIS DREAM THE OTHER DAY AS I WAS WAKENED HALF ASLEEP AND AWAKE I FELT THIS WHAT FELT LIKE A HUG FROM MICHAEL,IT'S HARD TO EXPLAIN BUT IT WAS SO STRANGE YET GREAT.

HANNAH IS SOOOOO SOOOO BIG ALMOST 9 MONTHS OLD NOW THE 17TH.
I WILL PUT A PICTURE OF HER AND SANTA IN THE PAGE
HAVE TO GO FOR NOW.
JANE

Friday, November 09, 2001 at 11:43 PM (CST)

i'm copying this from our friend jimmys page,sorry if it hurts you, but please read it anyways!
thank you for understanding!

Jimmy Schneeberger's Page

February 17, 1989 - April 13, 2000

Diagnosis: Medulloblastoma

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Journal

Monday, November 05, 2001 at 12:14 PM (CST)

Look to the heavens, dear Mama, I pray.

Look to the heavens each cloudy day.

When you would rather sleep away the pain and sorrow that have come to stay,

Look to the heavens for that's where I'll be.

Look to the heavens and think of me.

--------------------------------------------

PLEASE. . . .

Please - don't ask me if I'm over it yet--I'll never be "over it"!

Please - don't tell me he's in a better place--he isn't HERE.

Please - don't say "at least he isn't suffering"--I haven't come to terms with why he had to suffer at all!

Please - don't tell me you know how I feel unless you've lost a child.

Please - don't tell me to get on with my life--I'm still here, aren't I?

Please - don't ask me if we feel better--bereavement isn't a condition that "clears up".

Please - don't tell me "God never makes a mistake"--you mean he did this on purpose????

Please - don't tell me "at least you had him for 5 years"-what year would you have chosen for your son to die?

Please - don't tell me God never gives you more than you can bear--who decides?

Please - just say you are sorry.

Please - just say you remember him if you do.

Please - just let me talk if I want to.

Please - just let me cry when I must.

Until next time. . . . .

thank you debbie
I LOVE YOU!JANE

I LOVE YOU MICHAEL! GOTCHA MOMMA

Thursday, November 08, 2001 at 11:23 PM (CST)

two weekend ago we went to the candlelighters sebring races,oh what fun we had,But how I missed my angel he would have been in the cars and racing all around ,I can hear him ...........................com'on dad lets go here and here and get hannah lets take a ride on the a.t.c. 4wheeler, can I drive it please Daddy.
he would have just had so much fun,
I can't tell you how much i enjoyed myself,
I don't really have to much to say tonight,

Mick has an infection in his leg,we thought it had rebroke after they took the screws out that were holding it together,thats how bad it looks.but he went to the doc today and he put him on antibiotics,so now we wait!
God please heal him,he has been through enough and its time now for him to go on without pain and heal!!!!!!!!!
please say a PRAYER FOR MICK AND OUR FRIEND JULIE WHO HAS RELAPSED AND IS DOING OK THANKS TO ALL THE PRAYERS.
GOD BLESS YOU AND KEEP YOU ALL SAFE THROUGH THE HOLIDAYS AND YEARS TO COME!
MICHAEL I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SEE YOU BRIGHT EYED AND BUSHY TAILED.
MOMMA!

Wednesday, October 24, 2001 at 11:19 PM (CDT)

some days I just feel as though the world is going wrong!
I want to curl up in a ball and hide from IT.
while at home today the soaps have a child die from a car crash and I turn it on when the dad is next to his dead child,crying wondering if he was at fualt.
I drive to work and here all the sad songs like how do I live without you????????????
than I turn the corner,as everyone on the way to this corner has raced passed me only to see 3 dogs in the busy road and one was hit by one of these racing idiots, I wanted so bad to turn the van around and go back home to my safe haven and be with my daughter and husband. than i get to work and the girl at the front desk has her 4th personal phone call in just 40 minutes(if you think about this it's one phone call every 10 minutes,not including her cell phone ringing,and in the mean time her works shifts to me?????????
than I go to my station and the other clerks have left me some of their work also.
well for 8 years I have complained......
well not tonight,turn about is fair play.
so tomorrow they are going to be very upset to see that all of my work was completed but theirs is still sitting and wating for them,
oh well just another day in the rat race we call life!but I kept a good additude for the most part.when you go to say something to your boss that is very important and any good boss would be able to tell by the urgency in your voice(but you know he isn't going to hear you) than I say never mind, and he says OK..... I wanted to save my strength for the night that has yet to come.

well it's over for now and only until tomorrow.
Than I come home to see all of our children that are still having to struggle throughout their daily routine,of chemo and blood fusions and down pouring of meds,and than I think of Michael and I thank God for Hannah and Mick and my friends and family and wish for one more day with him and I hurt all over.

Michael we are going to the sebring races this weekend!
how come I never know what to say to you?
how come I never dream about you?
how come when I see something that reminds me of you I put it out of my head(I feel ashamed)
how come YOU.WHY DEAR GOD DID YOU TAKE MY BABY AND HOW COME IT HURTS SO BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I WANT TO SREAM,HOW COME I CRY AT LEAST ONCE A DAY FOR MY CHILD AND THE SUFFERING HE WANT THROUGH ONLY TO HAVE THIS HAPPEN TO US ALL!!!!!
HOW COME??????????
I JUST WANT A DAY WITHOUT THE PAIN,AND I JUST WANT A DAY WHERE I CAN FEEL NORMAL,IF THERE IS SUCH A THING!
HOW COME MICHAEL HOW COME THE CHILDREN?
WHY DEAR GOD? WHY?
WILL THERE EVER BE A DAY THAT WE DON'T CRY?WILL THERE EVER????????
THE CLOSER THE HOLIDAYS GET THE HARDER IT IS TO DEAL WITH YOUR DEATH ////
SO NEW SO FRESH IN MY MIND AND SO PAINFUL BUT YET I STILL HAVE TO GO ABOUT MY DAILY ROUTINE AND MY LIFE WITHOUT YOU IN IT.

I LOVE YOU !
MOMMA!
SEE YOU BRIGHTED EYED AND BUSHY TAILED!
YOUR DADDY MISSES YOU SO MUCH ALSO, AND HANNAH SHE WILL NEVER KNOW YOU AS YOU WHERE ..I CAN GAURANTEE YOU THIS SHE WILL KNOW WHAT YOU WERE LIKE AND ALL THE LIVES YOU TOUCHED AND HOW SPECIAL YOU WERE!
I DON'T KNOW IF I EVER TOLD YOU ABOUT CORY SABIN THE NEWS REPORTER...WELL HE NOW VOLENTEERS EVERY FRIDAY AT THE CHILDRENS HOSPITAL AT HEALTH PARK BECAUSE OF YOU!
BYE FOR NOW,UNTIL WE MEET IN ETERNAL LIFE

Friday, October 05, 2001 at 11:08 PM (CDT)

hi,
I wasn't going to update and than I read another childs page and it brought me here.
each day is a new challenge for me,as I try to keep my head and chin up!
I miss my baby so much,as the holidays approch,i seem to be slipping..
I think of him all the time,in every step I take every breath I take,I can here his voice Momma he calls to me,but I can't reach him,I told you before he doesn't like to see me cry but I just can't help it,
I'll never get to see his smiling face at christmas as he opens his presents,I won't get to see him dress up for his favorite day Halloween, and most of all I mis holding him in my arms and feeling his breath and his touch of such soft baby skin and his needing me,his unconditional love that he had for me,he just loved his momma ,I could od know wrong,I would tell him about things that I did and he would say thats ok momma,but i still have this giult of things I said or did to him when he wasn't behaving,If I could only change these things!
the big IF ONLY,if only I could hold you one more time I would want more,if only I could tell you how sorry I am that you aren't here any more,if only i could se you grow into the fine young man you would have been,if only I could see you in your JR drag.
if only i could smell your scent, if only I had you back,
Michael I love you so much and our hearts ache for you.
please have a good halloween I see you dressed up as woody ,I wish you could be here to go to sebring for the party remember the magic tricks and ALL THE CANDY in the pinyatas?
hannah is going to be a pumpkin right out of the patch,
i have to go now it's very late.
I love you.GOTCHA!
SEE YOU BRIGHT EYED AND BUSHY TAILED,MOMMA

Wednesday, September 19, 2001 at 11:52 PM (CDT)

WOW WHAT A WEEK FOR OUR GREAT NATION!
WE WILL OVER COME THIS TRAGEDY!
I JUST WISH WE DIDN'T HAVE TO GO TO WAR! MORE LIVES TO BE LOST! THIS WORRIES ME>>>>>>>>

MICK IS DOING A LOT BETER NOW THAT HE HAD THE SCREW REMOVED FROM HIS ANKLE.
WORKING LATER THESE EVENINGS,AND HAVE BEEN VERY BUSY.
THIS PAST WEEKEND WAS THE CANDLELIGHTERS PICNIC,SUNDAY, THIS WAS THE WEEKEND ONE YEAR AGO THE MOTORCYCLE ACCIDENT OCCURED.
I SAWE SOME FAMILIES THAT I HAVEN'T SEEN SINCE THIER CHILD WENT BECOME AN ANGEL(EARNED THIER WINGS),I DIDN'T MAKE IT TO WORK ON MONDAY,MY STOMACH HURT AND MY HEART ACHED! ONCE A GAIN THE PAIN IS RENEWED AND MY MIND IS IN SHAMBLES,AND CAN'T SEEM TO HOLD A TRAIN OF THOUGHT! TONIGHT WASN'T ESPECIALLY EASY EITHER. IT SEEMED AS THOUGH I WANTED TO CLIMB THROUGH THE PHONE AT SOMOE OF THE CUSTOMERS AND SAY DON'T YOU KNOW WHATS GOING ON IN THE WORLD AND ALL YOUR WORRIED ABOUT IS YOUR PACKAGE???????
THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE LOST THIER LIVES THE CHILDREN THAT ARE HOMELESS, THE FAMILIES WITHOUT THIER LOVED ONES. HOW MUCH MORE? CAN YOU THINK ONLY ABOUT YOURSELF? AT AEAST YOU CAN LAY YOUR HEAD ON YOUR OWN PILLOW AND REST EASY KNOWING THAT YOUR CHILD,HUSBAND,AUNT AND UNCLE MOM AND DAD IS HOME SLEEPING SAFEGOD BLESS THIS GREAT NATION............. AS WE WILL OVER COME
GOD BLESS AMERICA,OUR HOME SWEET HOME
AND GOD BLESS ALL THE FAMILY AND FRIENDS WHO HAVE BEEN AFFECTED BY THE TRAGIC EVENTS ON SEPT 11,2001

MICHAEL PLEASE HELP THE PEOPLE AND TAKE CARE OF THE LITTLE ONES!
I LOVE YOU BABY AND MISS YOU!
OH I ALMOST FORGOT(ON ANOTHER NOTE) I WAS GOING THROUGH THE WEB PAGE OF KYLE PETTY'S CROSS AMERICA CHARITY RUN, AND THERE IS A PICTURE(NOT VERY CLEAR) OF YOU WITH KYLE AND PATTY PETTY IN YOUR ROOM AT DUKE LAST YEAR...I THOUGHT YOU WOULD BE PROUD!

SEE YOU BRIGHT EYED AND BUSHY TAILED,

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!
GOTCHA!

Saturday, September 08, 2001 at 04:09 PM (CDT)

hi everyone,
Hannah is almost 6 months old already,can you beleive! she is about 20lbs and 26 inches long,and just beautiful,Mick is having more surgery,on his leg(ankle) on monday,He has a screw loose!!!!! Hahahahaha!although i already knew that! I decided not to go racing today! Hannah and I have been pulling alot of late nights,I have working late and she has been waking way to early,
My birthday is coming up soon maybe my present from mick will be to let me sleep in Just One Day!I don't remember what it's like to sleep in, since Michael was diagnosed in 97, (well actually since 95' when he was born)I went to Sears and had some pictures taken of Hannah,God is she gorgious,the girls that were taking the pix could have taken her picture all day. she was just a smilin'
well have to go can't leave her to long,she's watching telli tubbies OH KNOW!
it's working !!!!!!!!!!!!!
love to all..

Michael thank you for all you have taught me, and thank you for your Gift of Hannah,I truly think I would be a different person today if I didn't have her(and with out YOU)
I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU DEARLY,ALL MY LOVE MOMMY!!!!!!!!!!11

Tuesday, August 28, 2001 at 10:06 PM (CDT)

I KNOW IT HAS BEEN A WHILE SINCE I'VE BEEN HERE,I CAN'T ALWAYS BRING MYSELF TO WRITE,BECAUSE THIS MEANS I WILL CRY,NO MATTER WHAT.THIS WAS SOMETHING I THOUGHT I WOULD STOP DOING AFTER HANNAH WAS BORN,BUT I FEEL AS THOUGH THIS IS MY CONNECTION TO MICHAEL AND ALL OF YOU WHERE EVER YOU BOTH ARE,SOME DAYS ARE REALLY REALLY GOOD AND THAN OTHER'S I ASK MYSELF WHY? HOW? AND HOW MUCH LONGER(FOR MANY THINGS)? TODAY WAS GOOD I HAD LUNCH WITH THE GIRLS AND WAS ABLE TO SHOW OFF HANNAH. SHE IS SO WONDERFUL,EVERYTHING ANYONE COULD ASK IN A BABY,AND SO MUCH LIKE OUR MICHAEL,FUN AND HAPPY GO LUCKEY,SHE IS SO FUNNY AND PLAYFUL,WHEN I START TO FEEL THE PAIN OF LOOSING MICHAEL AND START TO CRY I HEAR THIS LITTLE COOING SOUND AND I FEEL MUCH BETTER,IT'S AS THOUGH HE TALKS TO ME THROUGH HER,I WAS PLAYING THE KIDS SONG TAPE THAT MICHAEL AND I USED TO SING OUR LUNGS OUT ,IN THE CAR AND SHE WAS SINGING ALONG WITH ME TO MICAHEL'S FAVORITE SONGS AS THOUGH SHE ALREADY KNEW THEM,I FEEL HIM THROUGH HER AND THIS IS WHAT KEEPS ME GOING.
WE ARE GOING TO THE CABIN THIS WEEKEND ,I TRULY CAN'T WAIT.CAN'T WAIT TO BE CLOSER TO MICHAEL AND TO SEE THE POND AND JUST REFLECK UPON THE PAST YEAR AND FEEL HIS PRESENCE AROUND ME AND TO BE ABLE TO DO WHAT HE LOVED ,JUST HANG OUT WITH HIM AROUND THE FIRE AND FISH AND JUST BE A KID AND HAVE FUN.
GOD I MISS HIM SO MUCH,
ONE OF OUR FRIENDS RELAPSED AND YOU ALL HAVE BEEN VERY KIND TO GO TO HER WEB PAGE AND SIGN,SHE LOVED MICHAEL ALSO,HE WOULD CLIMB INTO HER BED AND JUST HANG OUT WITH HER,EVEN TOUGH THEY WERE BOTH SICK SHE WOULD LET HIM JUST COME IN AND SNUGGLE FOR A WHILE
WELL I'M GOING TO GET THROWN OFF LINE IF I DON'T GET OFF SOON.
OH HER NAME IS JULIE SHE IS A YOUNG GIRL AND RELAPSED WITH LEUKEMIA,IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO GO TO HER WEB PAGE AND SIGN IT I'LL PUT TRHE ADDRESS AT THE BOTTOM,
TAKE CARE AND GOD BLESS OUR CHILDREN AND KEEP THEM SAFE UNTIL WE CAN BE WITH THEM AGAIN,
JANE
I LOVE YOU MICHAEL,SEE YOU BRIGHT EYED AND BUSHY TAILED......................................... LOVE YA! GOTCHA!

www.caringbridge.com/fl/juliebriggs

please sign her page and give the support you gave and still give us ....thank you from all of us!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, August 14, 2001 at 10:23 AM (CDT)

HI EVERYONE,
I KNOW IT HAS BEEN A WHILE SINCE I HAVE UPDATED,A LOT OF EMOTIONS HAVE BEEN PASSING MY WAY AND I HAVE JUST BEEN TRYING TO KEEP MY HEAD ABOVE WATER,
GOD HOW I MISS MY BOY. I JUST FINISHED READY A FRIENDS PAGE ABOUT HER DAUGHTER MORGAN SHE WOULD AHVE BEEN 1 YEAR OLD AUG 6TH. AND I HAVEN'T CRYIED LIKE THIS IN A WHILE ,MOM HOPING TO GET A SIGN FROM HER AND THIS IS WHAT I FEEL EVERYDAY,
THE TV KEEPS TALKING ABOUT A MAN AND A NEW SHOW ABOUT CROSSING OVER AND IF YOU EVERY WANTED TO FEEL SOMEONE OR SEE SOMEONE THAT YOU HAVE LOST,I STOP IN MY TRACKS EVERYTIME I HEAR THIS AND PRAY THAT IT WOULD BE POSSIBLE,WHAT I WOULD GIVE TO HEAR HIS VOICE ONE MORE TIME,WAHT I WOULD GIVE TO FEEL HIM AGAIN,TO HEAR HIM BREATHING AGAIN.GOD HOW DO WE DO THIS THE PAIN IS EVER SO FRESH IN MY MIND AND THE HEART ACHES SO UNBELEIVABLY. AND I CAN'T SEEM TO STOP CRYING,
MICHAEL I MISS YOU SO MUCH SWEETY,SOME DAYS I JUST CAN'T BARE THE THOUGHTS OF LOOSING YOU, AND TO KNOW THAT I WILL NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN.AND NEVER GET TO SEE YOU GROW INTO A HANSOM YOUNG MAN OR TO SEE YOU RACE YOUR JR DRAGSTER OR GRADUATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL OR COLLEGE OR GET MARRIED AND HAVE A FAMILY.WE ALL HAVE BEEN SO ROBBED IT'S JUST NOT FAIR.
MICHAEL DADDY CAME IN 1ST,RACING THIS WEEKEND,YES, HONEY HE WON,AND IT IS ALL FOR YOU BABY,
REMEBER HOW MUCH WE LOVE YOU A REMEBER THAT I WILL SEE YOU BRIGHTED EYED AND BUSHY TAILED AGAIN SOMEDAY.HANNAH MISSES HER BIG BROTHER AND MOMMY TELLES HER ABOUT YOU ALL THE TIME.EVEN THOUGH SHE IS ONLY 5 MONTHS SHE WILL KNOW ALL ABOUT YOU.....ALL THE TIME.....

UNTIL THE DAY WE MEET AGAIN MY SWEET,I LOVE YOU.MOMMY

Monday, July 23, 2001 at 07:15 AM (CDT)

as I write to you today,once again death is upon us.this has just been the worst few weeks of our lives.
remember I told you we have a new baby. well this is my brother and his wife Missy's new baby, Carson Beck Hildbold. Missy was his beautiful wonderful mother and one of my very best friends and sister in law. God saw it fit to take her to be with him on wednesday. Missy was 32 years old and passed away with the new baby in her arms and Dillon, her 3 year old son by her side,
how we can begin to understasnd the things that have happened in our lives these past years is very difficult, and we're not sure we will ever. I'm very sad that our lives have been turned upside down once again

My brother left with two babies and the family left without there precious Missy

To know her was to love her, we shared a lot of secrets and a lot of joy. this is so hard to deal with but I have to stay strong for Rod's sake and Hannah and Michael and so many others that I can't even think about the days to come. As I write I hear Dillon call my name and ask where's my mommy and my heart breaks.
today will be the services and the memorial to our loving sister ,daughter and wife of my brother and how we'll get passed this day is uncertain ,but yet inevidable.
God bless you Missy and take care of our Michael.(I have know doubt) and I will be here to take care of your babies.I Love you both so very much and will miss you with an ache in my heart always.
though you can be sure I will look to you for guidence on a daily basis and not to worry I will take care of your Rod too.

OH DEAR GOD WHY? WHY DO THINGS LIKE THIS HAPPEN?
WHY US AND WHY NOW? THEY WERE JUST STARTING TO MOVE AHEAD IN LIFE WITH THIER FAMILY AND NEW BABY,WHY?
I WISH I COULD SAY IT WAS BECAUSE SHE HAD SUCH A PASSION FOR THE DEATH IF MICHAEL BUT WE ALL DO ..
AND THAN SHE HAD SUCH JOY IN RAISING HER BOYS AND 9 DAYS AFTER THE BIRTH OF HER NEW SON????????

MISSY PASSED AWAY DUE A BRAIN ANURISUM( I HOPE THIS IS CORRECT,I DO APOLYGIZE)
SO YOU SEE THIS IS SOMETHING THAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED ANYWAYS OR COULD HAPPEN TO ANY OF US ..BUT WHY?
I COULD GO ON BUT I MUST CLOSE FOR NOW.
THANK YOU GOD FOR YOUR GUIDENCE AND THANK YOU FOR CHOOSING ANOTHER PERFECT ANGEL FOR MICAHEL. ALTHOUGH I WOULD HAVE LIKED TO BE THE ONE TO BE WITH HIM,I KNOW THE CHOICE IS YOURS.

MICHAEL I LOVE YOU AND AWAIT THE DAYS TO BE WITH YOU!

Monday, July 16, 2001 at 01:56 PM (CDT)

JUST A LITTLE SOMETHING WE MOMS WANT TO SHARE.
I wish you would not be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was very important and I need to hear his name. I wish you would not feel awkward if I mention his name.
If I cry or get emotional if we talk about my child, I wish you knew that it is not because you hurt me. The fact that my child died has caused my tears. You have allowed me to cry and I thank you. Crying and emotional outbursts are healing.
I wish you would not kill my child again by removing from your home his picture or other remembrances.
I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish that you would not think that if I have a good day my grief is over, or if I have a bad day, I need psychiatric counceling.
I wish you knew that the death of a child is different from other losses and must be viewed separately. It is the ultimate tragedy and I wish you would not compare it to the loss of a parent, spouse or pet.
Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you would not shy away from me.
I wish you knew that all the crazy grief reactions that I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness, the questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected following the death of a child.
I wish you would not expect my grief to be over in six months or a year. The first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic for us. As with recovering alcoholics, I will never be cured or be considered a former bereaved parent, but will forever be a recovering bereaved parent.
I wish you understood the physical reaction of grief. I may gain or lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, develope a host of illnesses and be accident-prone; all of which may be related to my grief.
Our child's birthday, the anniversary of his death, and the holidays are terrible times for us. I wish you could tell us that you are thinking about our child these days and if we get quiet and withdrawn, just know that we are thinking about our child and don't try to coerce us into being cheerful.
It is normal and good that most of us re-examine our faith, values and beliefs after losing a child. We will question things we have been taught all our lives and hopefully come to some new understanding with God. I wish you would let me tangle with my religion without making me feel guilty.
I wish you would not offer me drinks or drugs. These are temporary crutches and the only way I can get through this grief is to experience it. I have to hurt before I can heal.
I wish you understood that grief changes people. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to my old self, you will stay frustrated. I am a new creature, with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values, and beliefs. Please try to get to know the new me. Maybe you will like me still.

Thursday, July 12, 2001 at 06:25 PM (CDT)

THANK YOU GOD FOR THIS DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WE MADE IT PASSED ANOTHER MILE STONE IN OUR LIVES,NOT EASILY BUT WE DID IT,
AS I SIT HERE I AM SO THANK FUL FOR THE JOYS IN OUR LIFE TODAY.AS I HEAR MY DAUGHTER CRY THROUGH THE INTERCOM I AM THANKFUL FOR THIS....
THOUGH THE THINGS WE HAVE ENCOUNTERED THIS PAST YEAR HAVEN'T BEEN EASY......
THERE IS A REASON FOR EVERYTHING!

I HAVE JUST RETURNED HOME FROM PITTSBURGH WHERE I SAW THE EXTENDED FAMILY, IN MANY WAYS THIS WAS A NICE AND WELCOMED CHANGE, AND IN MANY OTHER WAYS IT WAS SAD. MOSTLY FOR THE DEATH OF MY AUNT AND SEEING THE FAMILY UNDER THESE CIRCUMSTANCES. WE ALSO, ON THE SAME DAY THAT WE BURIED MY AUNT WERE BLESSED ONCE AGAIN WITH A NEW BABY, MY BROTHER AND MISSY GAVE BIRTH TO A HEALTHY BOUNCING BABY BOY,,,
CARSON BECK HILDBOLD,
AS WE BURY ONE LIFE A NEW ONE IS BROUGHT INTO OUR LIVES ...HOW WONDERFUL AND HOW SAD.
THAN THE NEXT DAY TO REMEMBER OUR BEAUTIFUL MICHAEL FOR HE HAS BEEN GONE FOR ONE YEAR.I WONDER WHAT OUR LIFE WOULD BE LIKE WITH HIM HERE...
NOT ONLY TODAY BUT EVERYDAY
I LOOK TO HIM FOR MANT THINGS. THAN I SEE HIM AS HE GREETS HIS GREAT AUNT WITH OPENED ARMS AND WITH A GREAT BIG HUG AND SMILE.
MICHAEL I MISS YOU SO MUCH AND I LOVE YOU.
THOUGH ONCE AGAIN I LEFT TOWN FOR WHAT EVER THE REASON ON THIS DAY.I JUST CAN'T BARE THE DAYS WITHOUT YOU IN THEM. AND TO SIT AT HOME ON YOUR BIRTHDAY AND YOUR ONE YEAR DEATH DATE WAS MORE THAN I COULD STAND,I JUST HOPE DADDY UNDERSTANDS,I'M NOT EVEN AWARE OF IT UNTIL AFTER THE FACT,BUT I JUST KNOW THAT I WOULD LOOSE MY MIND IF I RELIVED THIS DAY OVER AND OVER IN MY HEAD ALL DAY LONG,IT'S HARD ENOUGH TO DO THIS DAILY.
REST IN PEACE MY LITTLE ONE,MY SPECIAL LIL GUY.
SEE YOU BRIGHT EYED AND BUSY TAILED SOON,MOMMY

i just found this in a friends web page and i want to share it with you
you could replace the name with ANY of the names of our other precious kids that we have lost to cancer and it would still fit. I hope it moves you as much as it did me. Have a terrific summer. . .

. . .Sally jumped up as soon as she saw the surgeon come out of the operating room. She said "How is Jimmy, is he going to be o.k.?" The doctor said "I'm sorry, we did all we could." Sally asked the doctor "Why do children get cancer? Why doesn't God care anymore? Where is God when the children need him?"

Sally was allowed to spend time with her son before his remains were taken away. She later walked out of the children's hospital for the last time now after spending most of the last 6 months there. She sat the bag with Jimmy's things in it on the seat beside her in the car. The drive home was hard and it was even harder to go into an empty house. She took the bag to Jimmy's room and started placing the model cars and things back in his room exactly where he had always kept them. She laid down across his bed and cried herself to sleep holding his pillow. Sally woke up at about midnight and laying beside her on the bed was a letter folded up. Sally opened the letter and this is what is said.. .

Dear Mom,

I know you're going to miss me but don't think that I will ever forget you or stop loving you because I'm not around to say "I love you." I'll think of you every day mom and I'll love you even more each day. Some day we will see each other again. If you want to adopt a little boy so you won't be lonely, he can have my room and my old stuff to play with. If you decide to get a girl instead, she probably wouldn't like the same things as us boys do so you will have to buy her dolls and stuff girls like. Don't be sad when you think about me. This is really a great place. Grandma and Grandpa met me as soon as I got here and showed me around some, but it will take a long time to see everything here. The angels are so friendly, I love to watch them fly. Jesus doesn't look like any of the pictures I saw of him, but I knew it was him as soon as I saw him. Jesus took me to see God! Guess what mom, I got to sit on God's knee and talk to him like I was somebody important. I told God that I wanted to write you a letter and tell you goodbye and everything but I knew that wasn't allowed. God handed me some paper and his own personal pen to write you this letter with. I think Gabriel is the name of the angel that is going to drop this letter off to you. God said for me to give you the answer to one of the questions you asked him about where was he when I needed him. God said he was in the same place he was when Jesus was on the cross. He was right there, as he always is with all his children. Oh, by the way mom, nobody else can see what is written on this paper but you. To everyone else it looks like a blank piece of paper. I have to give God his pen back now, he has some more names to write in the Book of Life. Tonight I get to sit at the table with Jesus for supper. I'm sure the food will be great! I almost forgot to let you know-NOW I DON'T HURT ANYMORE!! The cancer is all gone. I'm glad because I couldn't stand the pain anymore and God couldn't stand to see me suffer the pain either, so he sent The Angel of Mercy to get me. The angel said I was "Special Delivery".

Signed with love: From God, Jesus & Me

Thursday, July 05, 2001 at 10:48 PM (CDT)

hello everyone.
I hope you had a nice 4th of july.
Hannah did,
I will put a picture of her from yesterday in the photo section.
Mick had his surgery on wed. last week,he was kept over night. We weren't expecting that. I guess the DOC knows best, today was the first day I left him alone with Hannah(since the serg.) he has been very uncomfortable and in a lot of pain. it was very difficult, he was knocked back a few pegs again and it was hard to except. I think the worst is over now and maybe he can move forward now.
so many things have been going on,we are expecting another nephew any day now, My aunt jessie passed away this afternoon and I just can't find the strength to go to pittsburg alone with Hannah for 3 rushed days,(I hope this doesn't sound selfish) Michael's 1 year is coming up wed,
and we lost our precious Heaven Macantire, she was one of our friends at Duke. so please pray for her and her family.
I have been out of work for a week and everyone ask's how was your vacation?(or your day off)
I said there is never a day off for a mother and A WIFE******************.
but at least we have each other to need and we are for the most part healthy and well, and have our beautiful daughter, and a lot to keep us busy. although my head is spinning,I'll servive all of this.
we thank God every day that we're here and alive. and for continued health and happiness (as much as can be expected without Michael)
I came home tonight to put my jammies on and there were Michael's clothes in my draw,I couldn't help but take them into my hand's and smell them and wish for scant of his scent, a feel of his touch a feel of his hug and the sound of his voice, NOTHING.............
this is what is so hard,just the smell of him or the sound of his voice one more time????????????????
well I must go now,God bless our babies in heaven and take good care of them all.
jane
one more poem I would like to share...written by Heavens aunt
Through tears of grief we ask why?
What was God's plan?
He must have had one you know
How ironic her name...
HEAVEN
So bright, so kind,
So generous, with a great sense of humor
so Why?
The Bible sdays...AND THE CHILD SHALL LEAD THEM.
Our family grew closer
Our communities worked together
Our churches united to give
And everyone prayed..and prayed..and prayed.
And prayers were answered
God gave us 18 bonus months with HEAVEN
She taught us courage
And through it all she continued to be kind and considerate
Always mannerly
Actually apologetic to her caregivers
When she hurt, everyone hurt
Our family, our churches, our community
Her body went through hell
And in doing so she touched us
all of us
So let's learn from her
Please remember....
Have a sense of humor
Be generous,
And most of all...
For HEAVEN's sake...Be Kind.

Heaven Mcintire
June 11, 1994 - July 1, 2001

Monday, June 18, 2001 at 10:58 PM (CDT)

it seems like forever since I have updated,the days are nearing the one year date of Michael's death and It seems so much like yesterday.We have been keeping ourselves very busy with work and our beautiful daughter Hannah,(thank you God)she has been such a joy to have.but more and more each day I see the things I used to do with Michael and it makes me very sad inside,I miss him so much and still can't believe that his life has ended here on earth.I receive these chain letters to make a wish and send this letter to 10 people,I only have one wish in life and that's to have my Michael back................
I can't bear the thoughts ..........
mick is going back in for surgery on the 27th,he will have the plate taken out of his knee,
we have been adding a deck to our back patio and it should be done by christmas HAHAHAHAHAHA.....I think!
than the addition should begin soon,if it doesn't we are going to have to move out ...we are bursting a the seams,Hannah doesn't even have her crib set up yet,she sleeps in her cradle next to the bed where I can keep a close eye on her.she is truly the best baby,she sleeps so well through the night now,even Michael NEVER SLEPT through the night,NEVER, but that was OK,I got to spend that much more time with him.have you ever felt this pain,it is so hard to explain the emptiness,the loneliness,no more laughter from Michael, no more tears, no more MOMMY ? WHAT. I LOVE YOU! GOTCHA, NO MORE, SEE YOU BRIGHT EYED AND BUSHY TAILED IN THE MORNING,AND NO MORE BEST BUDDIES FOR DADDY,
I HAVE TO CLOSE NOW,
MICHAEL I LOVE YOU BABY ... I can hardly stand our life without you in it,but we keep going so that we can be together in the eternal life.love mommy

I put new pictures of Hannah in the site please go see Hannah.

Wednesday, May 30, 2001 at 09:03 AM (CDT)

hello,
it was a very good weekend,being that we had a extra day.Our wonderful jeanine is graduating this weekend.when we first met she was 9 or 10 and now she growing into the big world of reality.she will do just fine with the wonderful parents she has,john and debbie. michael called john mr.windsor and debbie,miss debbie.You see they helped raise our litle guy from the time he was 7 months old,and johnny was michael's best friend,but of course austin is his best cousin,I know that Michael misses them both very much. and vise versa,
this weekend we went to bradenton fl. for the races and mick entered,the first time on a 1/4 mile track,we did ok,(NO MONEY).BUT OK!
it's tough,tough competition and tough track.but none the less we had a great time.I really missed Michael when the jet cars came out,these were his favorite and the wheely truck,
Hannah is SO BIG, she weighed in at 12lbs when she went to the dr on friday.perfect in all other ways.
i will scan some new pictures today and than again when i get the new ones of this weekend,
we sure do miss our big guy and all the laughter he brought to us.and hannah growing so fast makes me relize all we will miss in the future,and jeanine graduating.

michael daddy would have done better had you been at the track helping with the prep.
jason and jacob came along and uncle red and than on sunday mr windsor and jeanine joined us.and mike green and sue and the taylors,we had a lot of fun and wished you could have been there with us,,I know you were WATCHING.but it's just not the same.
ps. i love you mom

pss we lost another brave sole to cancer,Chris Secord this little guy was one that fought a tremendus battle,fought long and hard i hope dad is doing ok,we pray for him and the other families,God Bless the children and the families of the children who have gone to heaven.*********

Wednesday, May 09, 2001 at 08:01 AM (CDT)

I HAVE ADDED NEW PICTURES,WE HAVE HAD SOME UNEXPECTED VISITORS,THEY ARE REALLY NEAT BUT ALSO VERY SCARY.SO YOU'LL HAVE TO GO TO THE PHOTO ALBUM TO SEE WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT.I ALSO ADDED SOME PICTURES OF MICK'S RACE CAR AT THE TRACK.HE HAS BEEN DOING VERY WELL(EXCEPT LAST WEEKEND NONE OF US WON.THEY ALL RED LIGHTED.(THIS MEANS THEY WENT BEFORE THE LIGHTS)AND THERE IS ONE PICTURE OF OUR BEAUTIFUL ANGEL HANNAH.

I'M SORRY TO HAVE TO SAY THAT WE LOST ANOTHER SPECIAL CHILD TO CANCER.MICHAEL AND ALISHA SPENT ALOT OF TIME TOGTHER HERE AT THE HOSPITAL IN FT. MYERS.IF YOU REMEMBER ME SAYING SOMETHING ABOUT US MISSING A VERY SPECIAL DAY WHILE WE WERE AT DUKE ,ALISHA HAD GONE OFF TREATMENT AND THAN RELAPSED,SHE WAS A DUKE UNDERGOING A TRANSPLANT LIKE MICHAEL AND DIDN'T MAKE IT.PLEASE PRAY TO GIVE HER FAMILY STRENGTH TO GO ON AS WE DO,WITHOUT OUR CHILDREN.
GOD BLESS YOU.
MICHAEL HANNAH IS GETTING SO BIG,SHE IS TRYING TO TALK NOW,NO REAL SPECIFIC SOUNDS COME OUT JUST YET,BUT SHE IS TRYING SO HARD.THE MORE SHE GROWS THE MORE SHE REMINDS ME OF YOU AND THE THINGS YOU USED TO DO.HOW DO I EXPLAIN HOW I FEEL,I AM SO HAPPY YET SO SAD AT THE SAME TIME,THAN WHEN I AM HAPPY I FEEL THE OVER WHELMING SENSE OF GUILT,BECAUSE I'M NOT THINKING OF YOU.I KNOW I MUST GO ON. AND I HAVE NEVER CRIED SO MUCH IN MY WHOLE ENTIRE 35 YEARS,AND I WONDER IF THERE WILL EVER BE A DAY THAT I WILL "NOT" CRY FOR THE REST OF MY YEARS.YOU WERE OUR WORLD EVERTHING WE DID REVOVLED AROUND YOU.FROM SUNRISE TO SUNSET AND FOR MOM ALL NIGHT ALSO( HANNAH IS COVERING THIS PART VERY WELL)PLEASE JUST KNOW THAT WE LOVED YOU THE BEST WE KNEW HOW AND I HOPE YOU ARE AT PEACE,BECAUSE THERE ARE DAYS THAT I THINK OF THINGS I SAID TO YOU OR THE DAYS WE WOULD FIGHT,I WISH I COULD HAVE DONE THEM DIFERENTLY,JUST KNOW THAT I AM SO SORRY FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO SAVE YOUR LIFE,BUT I KNOW GOD HAD BETTER PLANS FOR YOU.BUT IT DOESN'T MAKE THINGS ANY EASIER,I WANT YOU HERE TO HELP DADDY WITH THE RACE CAR(WELL IF YOU WERE HERE IT WOULD BE YOUR JR. DRAGSTER) AND I WANTED TO TO SEE HANNAH AND WATCH THE BOTH OF YOU GROW THOUGH OUT YOUR LIFE AND SEE YOU GET MARRIED AND HAVE A FAMILY,WE HAVE BEEN SO ROBBED OF YOUR LIFE IT'S JUST NOT FAIR,WILL I EVER UNDERSTAND WILL I EVER BE COMPLETELY HAPPY AGAIN? I JUST DON'T KNOW....I CAN FEEL WHEN YOUR DADDY IS SAD,WE BOTH JUST SIT IN SILENCE AND LOOK AT YOUR BEAUTIFUL IN THE PICTURES ON THE WALL(THEY ARE EVERYWHERE) AND WONDER HOW YOU ARE AND HOW THINGS WOULD HAVE BEEN IF YOU WHERE SITTING WITH US AT THIS MOMENT.
WELL I MUST GO,SEE YOU BRIGHT EYED AND BUSHY TAILED.LOVE YA,,,,,HAHAHA GOTCHA.

MOMMY

Wednesday, May 02, 2001 at 07:57 PM (CDT)

hello to anyone who still reads our page,
another day has passed and we are still surviving.
Hannah is such a blessling,lack of sleep and all.
Michael truly would have enjoyed having her around.We sure do miss him,I cann't believe he has gone to the other side.
Every night before i go to bed I look upon the wall at his pictures and wonder what each day would have been like.
I love you baby!

hannah is doing very well and so is mom.
I'll be going back to work full force on the 14th,and can hardly wait(except the fact I'll be leaving my Hannah baby.
she'll go with her aunt Deb from 4:00 pm to
6:00pm
and than daddy will pick her up,I am so releaved that she'll be with family,I was becoming disrout about the thought of finding someone to take care of her for those few hours at night.
She is so big already.9.5 lbs a week ago.
she still has her days and nights mixed up but we're working on this.
Mick went to the finals with his race car twice now. this is so exciting for him.we are going to put decals on the trailer for cancer awreness and the candlelighters, we already have some things on the car,IT'S GIRL IN PURPLE AND IN MEMEORY OF MICHAEL IN BRIGHT YELLOW!OUR SPECIAL LITLE GUY.
WELL MY SQEAKER IS SQEAKING. I MUST GO TO HER.
MICHAEL WE LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH,
SEE YOU BRIGHT EYED AND BUSHY TAILED
LOVE YOU!

GOTCHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MOMMY DADDY AND HANNAH

Thursday, April 26, 2001 at 09:31 AM (CDT)

SHE HAS ARRIVED!!!!!!!!!!!!
OUR GIFT FROM MICHAEL AND GOD!
HANNAH ELIZABETH
MARCH 17TH,2001
6.5 LBS
18.5 INCHES
ENJOY HER AS WE ARE!
MICHAEL HANNAH SAYS "HI BIG BROTHER"
WE MISS YOU!
SEE YOU BRIGHT EYED AND BUSHY TAILED SNUGGLE BUG!

Wednesday, April 18, 2001 at 05:36 PM (CDT)

WILL HAVE PICTURES OF HANNAH SOON

just a qiuck note to say hello we are in indiana today .will return home thursday.it has been a rough week,but being around family helps.BUT I MISSED MY HUSBAND FOR EASTER, MICHAEL'S BIRTHDAY AND OUR 8 YEAR ANNIVERSARY.....I FOROT THE ANNI...........
I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH MICK. YOU ARE MY WORLD, MY LIFE,MY HAPPINESS(YOU AND HANNAH) WITH ALL THAT WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH,YOU HAVE BEEN MY SRENGTH,AND I THANK YOU FOR BEING MY LOVE OF MY LIFE,AND FOR SHARING OUR BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN,I JNOW THINGS HAVEN'T BEEN EASY FOR YOU, BUT YOU JUST KEEP ON GOING NO COMPLAINTS AND NO HARSH WORDS.AND FOR THIS I LOVE YOU MORE EACH DAY.

MICHAEL,I MISS YOU SO MUCH THE TEARS STILL FILL MY EYES AND THE PAIN IS FRESH IN MY HEART,HAPPY BIRHTDAY AND HAPPY EASTER BABY
HOPE YOU ARE TAKING CARE OF YOUSEF,AND I WILL SEE YOU BRIGHT EYED AND BUSHY TAILED.LOVE MOMMY,DADDY AND BABY HANNAH

GOD BLESS YOU AND KEEP YOU SAFE UNTIL I GET THERE

Monday, March 26, 2001 at 12:26 PM (CST)

PLEASE PRAY FOR YOUSEF AND HIS FAMILY AS SATURDAY GOD RECEIVED ANOTHER ONE OF OUR PRECIOUS CHILDREN,
GO IN PEACE YOUSEF AND KNOW THAT YOU ARE LOVED BY MANY,
AUNTIE JANE****************MICHAEL AND HANNAH'S MOMMY

Tuesday, March 20, 2001 at 06:38 PM (CST)

OUR LITTLE MIRACLE IS HERE,
SATURDAY, ST. PATRICKS DAY 11:23 A.M. GOD BLESSED US WITH HANNAH ELIZABETH,6 LBS 5 OZ A FULL HEAD OF BLACK HAIR AND 18 INCHES LONG,SHE IS JUST BEAUTIFUL.
MICHAEL YOU WOULD BE SO PROUD TO HAVE HER AS YOUR BABY SISTER AS SHE WILL TO HAVE YOU AS HER BROTHER,MY HEART ACHES SO BAD THAT YOUR NOT HERE TO SEE HER WITH US, BUT I KNOW YOU CAN SEE HER,
WE LOVE YOU OUR SWEET ANGEL AND THANK YOU FOR THE MIRACLE OF HANNAH.
LOVE MOMMMY,DADDY AND HANNAH
SEE YOU BRIGTHED EYED AND BUSHY TAILED MY ANGEL.

Monday, March 12, 2001 at 01:01 PM (CST)

THANK YOU GOD FOR THIS DAY,
WE NEED ALL OF YOU TO PRAY FOR MICHAEL'S FRIEND YOUSEF AND FOR HEAVEN.
YOUSEF IS IN PICU.(PEDIATRIC INTENSIVE CARE UNIT)NOT A GOOD THING FOR OUR KIDS,THEY HAVE HAD TO PUT HIMUNDER SO HE WOULDN'T PULL HIS TUBES OUT,
GOD HEAR OUR PRAYERS.
HEAVEN WAS ABLE TO TAKE A BATH LAST NIGHT FROM WHAT HER GRANDMA SAID,I'M NOT SURE IF SHE'S IN P.I.C.U.
PLEASE PLEASE GOD HELP THE FAMILIES TO BE ABLE TO KEEP THEIR STRENGTH AND FAITH. AND EVERYONE CONTINUE TO PRAY.
WE CAN'T LOOSE ANY MORE CHILDREN.

ONCE AGAIN IT'S MONDAY AND I'M NOT SURE HOW MUCH MORE WE CAN ENDURE,I WILL BE OK...IT'S JUST SO HARD TO COMPREHEND...

MICHAEL I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU MORE EAACH DAY,,,APRIL 11TH IS YOUR 6TH BIRTHDAY ,,,MOMMY IS GOING TO PUT A POEM IN THE NEWS PAPER AND A PICTURE,,(IF YOU WOLUD LIKE TO SEE THIS GO TO ...NAPLESNEWS.COM OBITUARIES ON APRIL 11TH)
TIL I SEE YOU BRIGHTED EYED AND BUSHY TAILED......LOVE MOMMY AND DADDY

Wednesday, March 07, 2001 at 06:27 AM (CST)

HI EVERYONE,
I STARTED TO UPDATE YESTERDAY AND TWO SECONDS AWAY FROM BEING FINISHED I WAS KNOCKED OFF LINE,,,DARN IT ALL!
I WAS EXPLAINING HOW THINGS HAVE BEEN GOING WITH MICK,,,,THE DOC SAID THAT HE COULD START TO PUT WEIGHT ON BOTH LEGS,,,THANK YOU GOD! SO OFF HE'LL GO...
SUNDAY THE LADIES FROM THE HOSPITAL HERE IN FT MYERS(THE FAMILY AND FRIENDS I HAVE MADE SINCE MICHAEL WAS DIAGNOSED) THEY ARE ALSO CANCER FAMILIES, EITHER BY HAVING A CHILD WITH CANCER OR BY HAVING A CHILD OFF TREATMENT OR MANY ARE LIKE US WHO HAVE LOST THEIR CHILD TO CANCER.
THEY ALL PULEED TOGETHER AND HAD A SURPRISE BABY SHOWER FOR THE BABY AND ME.I WAS SHOCKED TO SAY THE LEAST.
I'M NOT GOING TO WRITE AS MUCH AS I DID YESTERDAY BUT I DO WANT TO TELL YOU ALL HOW LUCKEY I AM TO HAVE THESE WOMEN AND THEY FAMILIES IN OUR LIVES,MANY HAVE BEEN WITH US FOR ALONG TIME AND MANY ARE THERE FOR SUPPORT AND MANY ARE JUST LIKE US IN OUR TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS IN LIFE.BUT I HONSESTLY CAN SAY THAT IF THINGS WHERE ANY DIFFERENT I'M NOT SURE I WOULD BE HERE TODAY WITHOUT THEIR SUPPROT IN ANYWAY...
THANK YOU ALL................
MY MOM IS STILL HAVING HER BABY SHOWER FOR US ON MARCH 24TH AND HAS INVITED YOU ALL TO COME TO CELEBRATE THE NEW LIFE THAT MICHAEL HAS GIVEN US (AND GOD) THE DETAILS ARE IN THE GUEST BOOK(HEY WHILE YOUR THERE SAY HI, I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU)
IM MISSING ALOT OF YOUR INPUT GOOD... BAD.... HAPPY.... SAD....,OUR LIFE MUST GO ON AND I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR HOW YOU ALL ARE DOING MY BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WORLD WOULD CALL AND SAY HOW CAN I DISCUSS WHAT'S GOING ON IN MY LIFE WITH HWAT YOUR DEALING WITH.....I TOLD HER YOU HAVE TO , AND I WANT TO HEAR ...I NEED SOME CHANGE OF THOUGHTS AND I NEED TO FEEL NEEDED BY MY FRIENDS TODAY JUST AS YESTERDAY,,,,THIS IS WHAT THE BABY SHOWER DID FOR ME.IT BROUGHT ME BACK TO SOME SENSE OF REALITY..
BEFORE I GO I MUST ASK THAT YOU PRAY FOR HEAVEN ...SHE IS A LITTLE GIRL THAT HAD HER TRANSPLANT AFTER OUR MICHAEL,SHE IS HAVING SOME SERIOUS COMPLICATIONS AND SHE AND HER FAMILY NEED OUR SUPPORT AND PRAYERS.

MICHAEL,
UNCLE CHRIS AND AUNT MANDY AND THE BOYS WILL BE HERE SOON THEY ARE IN ORLANDO, AND SHOULD COME IN FOR THE RACES THIS WEEKEND.
AND THAN MIKE AND MARY AND JOHNA FROM THE CABIN ARE COMING INTO NAPLES ALSO, AND SHOUDL BE ABLE TO MAKE IT TO THE RACES TOO.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND CAN'T WAIT TO BE WITH YOU AGAIN...UNTIL THAN THERE'S A LOT OF WORK TO BE DONE....THE NEW BABY YOUR DADDY....THAT'S A CONSTENT THING YA KNOW!!!! AND ALSO I WOULD LIKE TO START DOING SOMETHING TO RAISE AWARNESS ABOUT CHILDREN WITH CANCER AND SUCH....I HAVE LOTS OF GOOD IDEA'S ..BUT HAVE TO WAIT FOR THE BABY TO COME.......HAVE TO GO NOW SEE YOU BRIGHT EYED AND BUSHY TAILED.....MOMMY

Wednesday, March 07, 2001 at 06:27 AM (CST)

Wednesday, February 28, 2001 at 04:26 PM (CST)

one year ago today that we took Michael to duke,he was med flighted up in an air plane,he was so scared we had to make sure that he was strapped down tight before he would move out of the hospital bedroom,we put his racing comforter taht aunt jannie bought for him,on the stretcher,
he had lost his sense of balance and didn't like being in places higher than the ground,i even had to keep his rails up on his bed ,he was so afraid,

THE BABY SHOWER IS PLANNED FOR MARCH 24TH SATURDAY AT MY MOM'S CLUB HOUSE IN WINTER PARK.BUT THE ONLY THING IS WE MAY BE HAVING A BABY THERE??????????????
I AM ONE CENTIMETER DIALATED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AND WITH MICHAEL I WENT FROM ONE TO THREE AND THAN 17 HOURS LATER WE HAD A BEAUTIFUL BOUNCING BABY BOY,

I STILL HAVE 5 WEEKS BEFORE THE DUE DATE SO I WILL TRY AND HOLD OFF UNTIL THAN BUT..............

I DIDN'T GO INTO WORK TODAY NOT FEELING ALL THAT GREAT THESE DAYS,NO SLEEP, AND BOY I CAN BE A BEAR WITHOUT SLEEP,
BUT I'M READY TO HAVE THE BABY,I WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT IS......
YOU KNOW THE DAYS ARE REALLY TUFF ALSO WITHOUT SLEEP,MENTALLY,I CAN'T SEEM TO GET MICHAEL OFF MY MIND,WISHING THINGS WERE DIFFERENT FOR US, AND KNOWING THAT THEY WILL NEVER BE THE SAME, AND THAN I THINK OF THE DAY HE DIED. AND THE THINGS THAT HAPPENED DAYS PRECEDING HIS DEATH,AS THOUGH IT WERE YESTERDAY.WISHING I COULD HAVE KNOWN SOMETHING MORE AND CHANGED THINGS,AND IT'S A CONSTANT BATTLE WITH MY MIND,I THINK IT HAS ALOT TO DO WITH THE WORRIES THAT THIS BABY WILL BE OK,I DON'T THINK I COULD ACTUALLY LIVE THROUGH ANYTHING MORE. JUST PUT ME AWAY SOMEWHERE IF THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THE BABY. I DON'T THINK I COULD GO ON.SO I PRAY TO "GOD" EVERYDAY TO HELP GUIDE ME THROUGH AND HOPE THAT EVERYTHING IS OK,THE BABY KICKS ALOT AND SOMETIMES I THINK THERES A SOCCER BALL IN MY BELLY THAT HE OR SHE IS PRACTICING KICKING AROUND, AND BOOM THERE'S THIS HUGE ABRUPT KICK ADN THAN WHEN THE DOC WAS DOING THE AUDISOUND IT HAD THE HICCUPS I TRIED NOT TO LAUGH CAUSE HE COUNTING BUT IT MAKES ME FEEL SO ELATED WITH JOY AND THIS ALSO SCARES ME,I DON'T WANT TO BE LET DOWN.
GOD JUST HELP ME NOW AND HOLD MYT HAND THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND THINGS WILL BE OK.
MICHAEL I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU AND NEED YOU.
AUNT MANDY,UNCLE CHRIS,AUSTIN AND GARETT WILL BE HERE THIS WEKEND AUNT JANNIE AND UNCLE KEN ARE COMING AROUND EASTER.THERE WILL BE ALOT OF QUESTIONS FROM AUSTIN,I AM SURE,FIRST HE'LL ASK WHERE YOU ARE AND THAN HE'LL WANT TO KNOW WHERE YOUR ATC IS AND I'M SURE MANY MORE THAT I CAN'T EVEN IMAGIN.BUT THAT'S OK WE'LL HANDLE EACH ONE AS IT COMES.
WELL GOTTA GO FOR NOW,
JANE

Wednesday, February 28, 2001 at 04:26 PM (CST)

THE BABY SHOWER IS PLANNED FOR MARCH 24TH SATURDAY AT MY MOM'S CLUB HOUSE IN WINTER PARK.BUT THE ONLY THING IS WE MAY BE HAVING A BABY THERE??????????????
I AM ONE CENTIMETER DIALATED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AND WITH MICHAEL I WENT FROM ONE TO THREE AND THAN 17 HOURS LATER WE HAD A BEAUTIFUL BOUNCING BABY BOY,

I STILL HAVE 5 WEEKS BEFORE THE DUE DATE SO I WILL TRY AND HOLD OFF UNTIL THAN BUT..............

I DIDN'T GO INTO WORK TODAY NOT FEELING ALL THAT GREAT THESE DAYS,NO SLEEP, AND BOY I CAN BE A BEAR WITHOUT SLEEP,
BUT I'M READY TO HAVE THE BABY,I WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT IS......
YOU KNOW THE DAYS ARE REALLY TUFF ALSO WITHOUT SLEEP,MENTALLY,I CAN'T SEEM TO GET MICHAEL OFF MY MIND,WISHING THINGS WERE DIFFERENT FOR US, AND KNOWING THAT THEY WILL NEVER BE THE SAME, AND THAN I THINK OF THE DAY HE DIED. AND THE THINGS THAT HAPPENED DAYS PRECEDING HIS DEATH,AS THOUGH IT WERE YESTERDAY.WISHING I COULD HAVE KNOWN SOMETHING MORE AND CHANGED THINGS,AND IT'S A CONSTANT BATTLE WITH MY MIND,I THINK IT HAS ALOT TO DO WITH THE WORRIES THAT THIS BABY WILL BE OK,I DON'T THINK I COULD ACTUALLY LIVE THROUGH ANYTHING MORE. JUST PUT ME AWAY SOMEWHERE IF THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THE BABY. I DON'T THINK I COULD GO ON.SO I PRAY TO "GOD" EVERYDAY TO HELP GUIDE ME THROUGH AND HOPE THAT EVERYTHING IS OK,THE BABY KICKS ALOT AND SOMETIMES I THINK THERES A SOCCER BALL IN MY BELLY THAT HE OR SHE IS PRACTICING KICKING AROUND, AND BOOM THERE'S THIS HUGE ABRUPT KICK ADN THAN WHEN THE DOC WAS DOING THE AUDISOUND IT HAD THE HICCUPS I TRIED NOT TO LAUGH CAUSE HE COUNTING BUT IT MAKES ME FEEL SO ELATED WITH JOY AND THIS ALSO SCARES ME,I DON'T WANT TO BE LET DOWN.
GOD JUST HELP ME NOW AND HOLD MYT HAND THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND THINGS WILL BE OK.
MICHAEL I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU AND NEED YOU.
AUNT MANDY,UNCLE CHRIS,AUSTIN AND GARETT WILL BE HERE THIS WEKEND AUNT JANNIE AND UNCLE KEN ARE COMING AROUND EASTER.THERE WILL BE ALOT OF QUESTIONS FROM AUSTIN,I AM SURE,FIRST HE'LL ASK WHERE YOU ARE AND THAN HE'LL WANT TO KNOW WHERE YOUR ATC IS AND I'M SURE MANY MORE THAT I CAN'T EVEN IMAGIN.BUT THAT'S OK WE'LL HANDLE EACH ONE AS IT COMES.
WELL GOTTA GO FOR NOW,
JANE

Monday, February 26, 2001 at 09:08 AM (CST)

Monday, February 19, 2001 at 12:29 PM (CST)

hi everyone,
well i think i'm entering my final days of work for a while, i have been pushing myself because they are short handed, but i think the time is near, next week maybe.
I have some wonderful news.Michael's nurse sandy is expecting her first baby,she found out around christmas time and has been home tending to herself and that baby, some complication,so we'll pray that all goes well.
I spent saturday at a benefit for jimmy schneeberger(he passed away just before our precious Michael),this was tough but well worth it,the family seems to be doing well, on the outside. my friend jackie(jax) was there to help me through, especially the end when i was leaving she stayed with me while i cried over the loss of the children and living without them,thank you soooooo much jax i shouldn't have been alone and i'll be the first to admit it.
well as the baby nears the pain of the loss of michael worsens(if thats a word)
I wish so bad that he could be here and than i haven't been getting enough sleep so that doesn't help my state of mind, i cry over nothing and than all i can do is think of him and the babies health, i don't think i can handle much more(please God just let the babies health be ok)
mick is working more and doing physical therapy 3 times a week(getting very expensive)but he's doing better and better each and everyday,i am a very luckey women to have such a good man in my life.he truly is an amazing person. i only hope that i can prove worthy of him.he goes on not being able to do much of anything but yet he still tries so hard, he has to sit in front of the stove to eat his dinner(i'm not home at night) so he has to make dinner and eat it in the same spot,not being able to hold anything and carry anything, unless it has a handle(such as a bag) my poor baby,but what doesn't break us will make us stronger.
i have been trying not to buy anything for the baby,but i went to the carter factory stores and they have such adorable baby clothes.but actually it's easy cause i don't know the sex of the baby,but still i wish i could buy either a girls outfit or a boys outfit. than i come home empty handed,

i so wanted to get invovled with the kids ,but that was while michael was alive and now i can't bare the thought of seeing them suffer when we(i) know the possiblities,how do you say everthing is going to be ok? even if eventually it will be, the steps prior to the recovery are so tough, I have a new respect for klair of the candlelighters, she lost her daughter erin, it's been sometime now,but that doesn't make a difference, but yet everyday she was up to see Michael and the other kids, she would walk with us outside, and call.i just can't entertain the thoughts of doing this, i still have a lot of good ideas so maybe this can work some how. but we'll wait till the baby comes.
well i want to talk to michael now
It's been 7 months and 9 days since you left us. I want you to know that the baby kicks mommy all the time,
i miss you so much baby i can't stop crying.grandma has been missing you also I can tell, she helps me on the days that are bad,i just happen to be in the area of her work and i stop into see her.
it has been difficult for all who knew you also, ms jackie and ms carolyn, and i saw dr salman this weekend and nurse donna and megan, oh did i mention that ms sandy is pregnant, she is going to have a baby in sept.
Michael your birthday is coming up soon and i wish i could have the big b-day party for you like i always did, you know you are very special and i am glad that we celebrated your life everyday,the way we did, but my life and your daddy's life will never be complete again without you here, oh sure i will spoil the hect out of your new baby brother or sister, but it will never replace my first son, my first born my love of my life and the joy that you brought us.I love you with all my heart.
until i see you bright eyed and bushy tailed ( oh God everyday you and i would say this to each other... can you feel my heart break, )i will always love you MOMMY

Monday, February 05, 2001 at 10:55 PM (CST)

I KNOW IT'S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I'VE UPDATED,I'M SORRY FOR THAT,AS I SAID BEFORE THIS IS THE HARDEST THING ANYMORE TO DO.
I MISS MICHAEL SO MUCH,THERE ARE NO WORDS TO DESCRIBE THE WAY I FEEL. WHEN I THINK OR EVEN TALK ABOUT HIM I CRY HARD,I HAVE BEEN DREAMING ABOUT HIM,BUT I CAN NEVER GET TO HIM.I AWAKE CRYING IN THE NIGHT,BUT I KNOW HE IS NEAR.
WELL EACH DAY BRINGS US CLOSER TO THE NEW ARRIVAL,STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT THE BABY IS, AND PROBOBLY WON'T KNOW UNTIL HE/SHE COMES,BUT HE/SHE IS READY.....
AS I SIT AT HOME ON THE WEEKENDS WITH NOT MUCH TO OCCUPY MY TIME, I THINK OF MICHAEL AND WHAT WE WOULD BE DOING TODAY,HE WOULD BE ALMOST SIX NOW, APRIL 11TH IS HIS BIRTHDAY.I MAY OR MAY NOT MAKE IT OUT THAT DAY,ONLY TIME WILL TELL.I CAN HARDLY GO TO THE RACES WITH MICK AND SEE OTHER KIDS HIS AGE, RACING OR JUST WITH MOM AND DAD.THIS WAS HIS PASSION,WITH MICK.
MICK IS STILL GOING TO RACE.
WE HAVE A FRIEND WHO WILL PUT "IN MEMORY OF MICHAEL" ON THE RACE CARS AND TRAILER.IT ALL SEEMS SO IMPOSSIBLE ,THAT HE IS GONE AND I'LL NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN,SO HARD TO ACCEPT.
THAN THE ACCIDENT STUFF... MICK WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AND FLORIDA WITH IT'S NO FAULT LAWS,THIS IS GOING TO THE HARDEST PART,WE WILL HAVE TO SUE THE LADY AND HER HUSBAND TO RECOVER THE HOSPITAL BILLS AND ANYTHING OVER AND ABOVE FOR MICKS PAIN AND SUFFERING AND THE YEARS OF PAIN TO COME BECAUSE OF IT ALL.IT ALL SEEMS SO UNFAIR.
WELL WE WILL HAVE A BABY SHOWER IN MARCH SOMETIME ,DON'T KNOW WHEN YET,BUT AROUND THE 10TH OR THE 24TH.I WISH MICHAEL COULD BE HERE TO SEE THE NEW BABY,HE WOULD HAVE BEEN SUCH A GOOD BIG BROTHER.
GOD GIVE ME THE STRENGTH TO GO ON WITHOUT HIM AND GIVE ME STRENGTH TO RAISE THIS BABY THE WAY HE/SHE DESERVES, AND TO NOT TRY TO COMPARE MICHAEL TO THIS CHILD,BUT ALSO LEAD ME IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION TO BE ABLE TO GO ON WITH OUT MICHAEL'S SMILING FACE AND PLAYFUL WAYS,I CAN HARDLY STAND THE DOWN TIMES I HAVE TO STAY BUSY ALL THE TIME OTHER WISE I JUST MIGHT FALL.

I LOVE YOU MY DARLING BOY AND I MISS YOU UNLIKE ANYTHING. I THINK OF YOU ALL DAY LONG AND WHEN A MINUTE GOES BY THAT I DON'T I FEEL GUILTY.I FEEL YOU NEAR BUT THIS IS JUST FOR A MOMENT AND THAN THE REALITY HITS OF YOUR DEATH.I HOPE YOU ARE WELL AND THAT YOU ARE HAPPY.
TAKE CARE UNTIL I CAN SEE YOU BRIGHT EYED AND BUSHY TAILED MY SWEET.
LOVE YOU MOMMY AND DADDY

Monday, January 22, 2001 at 09:50 AM (CST)

a little over 6 months now that your gone.I miss you so much,I still can't believe you are really and truly gone.I feel the baby move inside of me almost everytime I think of you, and cry over you (which is alot of the time) when will the pain ease? will it ever? I still ask why? why you? than I heard something last night about that there are worse things than death and I think of the night yhou died and I realize this to be true.We didn't want you to suffer.
Michael the baby will come in about 11 weeks and I haven't ANYTHING ready.I don't even have a space to put the crib. daddy and I have both been working as much as we caan to get back on track.I haven't had any help at work,but thank God one of the girl's will be back today .I hope,
the Dr. is concerned as I am about the fumes from the truck's so today I will move to the other end (where you and daddy used to come see me ) of the building where the doors are not blocked by trucks
and there is better ventilation.
We put an angel up by the rainbow trout pond for you, along with flowers with pine tree backing. and I had your stocking hung. I hope you liked it, although I took most of the things out to hang up on christmas eve,there where special harley davidson stuffed animal orniments and an angel, and some special rocks from miss amy and of course a kelloggs corn flakes race team car orniment(you know who the driver is I always forget).
the past few days I have been thinking alot about you and wondering about the new baby and thanking you for our gift,you said I could have another like you (how I wish it could be you all over again) but there will never be another like you baby.I hope we did right by you ,in your short life and you are ok where ever you are. Thank you for being in our lives, if only for 5 short years.I hope you know that I will always miss you and cry for you until the day we meet again. someone asked how do you go on? One painful day at a time .....
I know I have to do the best that I can to bring your baby brother or sister into this world so that I can tell them all about you! their big brother and how special you are.
MICHAEL UNTIL I SEE YOU AGAIN,BRIGHT EYED AND BUSHY TAILED,I LOVE YOU WITH ALL OF MY BEING AND SO DOES DADDY. HE MISSES HIS LITTLE BUDDY SOME THING AWFUL.GOD BLESS YOU AND KEEP YOU SAFE UNTIL I CAN BE WITH YOU AGAIN,MOMMY AND DADDY

Sunday, January 07, 2001 at 07:59 PM (CST)

WOW WHAT A YEAR! THANK GOD IT'S ALL PAST AND WE HAVE A NEW YEAR AHEAD OF US!
WE HAD A GREAT CHRISTMAS,MY BEST FRIEND TAMMY AND HER TWO KIDS SPENT CHRISTMAS WITH US AND MARK AND HIS FRIEND DAVE.IT WAS VERY DIFERENT THAN YEARS PAST,
CHRISTMAS WAS THE BETTER DAY FOR ME.NEW YEARS///// WHEN THE CLOCK STRUCK 12 I WAS VERY SAD AND RELEIVED THAT THE YEAR WAS FINALLY OVER, JOHN AND DEBBIE AND THEIR KIDS WHERE WITH US. I HAD TO EXCUSE MY SELF AFTER KISSING MICK. I WENT TO THE BACK DOOR OF THE CABIN AND STEPPED OUT ON TO THE STEP AND CRIED FOR MY BABY AND WATCHED THE SNOW FALL AND WISHED HE WAS WITH US!
I WONDER STILL HOW WE ARE TO GET THROUGH THESE DAYS WITHOUT MICHAEL IN OUR LIVES.I MISS HIM SO PAINFULLY MUCH, AND CRY ALMOST DAILY,I FOUND THE BABY PICTURES,FINALLY AND I WILL PUT SOME IN THE PAGE SOON,I WON'T BE UPDATING AS MUCH AS I HAVE FOUND IT IS MORE PAINFUL THAN HELPFUL TO BE HERE ANYMORE.
IN THE BEGINNNING AND ALL THROUGHOUT MICHAEL'S TRANSPLANT THIS WAS AN OUTLET NOW. IT IS JUST TO MUCH TO RELIVE ON A DAILY BASIS, I FOUND THAT WE HAVE TO GO ON . WE CANNOT CHANGE THE THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED TO US OR TO MICHAEL.SO I HAVE TO JUST GO ON WITHOUT HIM.I STILL CAN'T BELEIVE HE IS GONE. I FEEL HE HAS JUST GONE A WAY FOR A WHILE AND STILL HOPE THIS IS ALL A BAD DREAM AND ONE DAY I WILL AWAKEN FROM THE NIGHTMARE THAT WE HAVE STRUGGLED THREW THE PAST 3 AND 1/2 YEARS.
CHRISTMAS WAS WHITE,BEAUTIFUL AND BHURRR, VERY COLD, MICK HAD THE A.C.T. TO RIDE WHILE WE WHERE AT THE CABIN AND I RODE SOME ALSO BUT I ALSO FELL ON THE SLIPPERY ICE AND SCARED THE HELL OUT OF MYSELF AND EVERYONE,I'M OK AND WAS OK BUT IT WAS JUST VERY SCARY. SO I DIDN'T TRECK OUT TO MUCH IN THE SNOW AND ICE.I TRULY PERFER THE SPRING TIME TO THE WINTER, BUT I ENJOYED THE SNOW FALLING ALMOST EVERYDAY WHILE WE WHERE THERE.
THE WINDOR FAMILY WENT SKIING AND THAT NIGHT IT STARTING SNOW AROUND 7:00 AND I WORRIED ABOUT THEM UNTIL THEY CAME PLOWING THROUGH AROUND 11:30 P.M ALL IN GOOD HEALTH, JUST A LITTLE SORE(HAHAHAA)WE BOUGHT LOT'S OF HOMEMADE JAMS AND JELLIES TO SHARE WITH THE FAMILY, AND MAYBE NOT!!!!!(OH WELL) I WENT TO THE FLORIST AND GOT FLOWERS And AN ANGEL FOR MICHAEL AND I ALSO BOUGHT SLEDS FOR THE KIDS.
BUT EVERYDAY I MISSED MICHAEL MORE AND THE HARD TIME CAME WHEN WE RETURNED HOME TO THE HOUSE EMPTY ONCE AGAIN.
I KNOW I'LL NEVER GET TO SEE HIM LAUGH OR PLAY AGAIN, I WON'T GET TO SEE HIS FRIST TOOTH COME LOOSE,OR HIS FRIST DAY OF SCHOOL,
I'LL NEVER GET TO HEAR HIS VOICE AGAIN.OR SEE HIS SMILE OR TOUCH HIS SKIN AND SMELL HIS SCENT. BUT HE WILL FOREVER LIVE ON IN US.
WELL UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN.
HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL.

P.S THE BABY SEEMS TO BE DOING VERY WELL, JUST A WIGGLE'ING ALL OVER THE PLACE.
APRIL 18TH IS THE DUE DATE. AND THINGS ARE GOING AS SCHEDULED.HE OR SHE IS VERY STRONG AND WANTS TO COME OUT NOW, BUT IT'LL JUST HAVE TO WAIT ,AS I WILL.
THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR CONTINNUED SUPPORT. AND PLEASE TAKE A MINUTE TO WRITE IN THE PAGE. I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU.

OH...... DUKE (HOSPITAL) WAS AN EXPERIENCE, WE HAD LOTS AND LOTS OF GIFTS FOR THE KIDS AND THEY LOVED EACH AND EVERYONE OF THEM,(THANK YOU ALL WHO HELPED MAKE THESE KIDS DAY A LITTLE BRIGHTER.)
JESS CAME TO THE CABIN WITH US AND SPENT A FEW DAYS. WE HAD A GREAT TIME AND WE ALSO GOT TO SEE ALOT OF THE HOSPITAL PEOPLE. SANDY AND SARA, DR KERTZBURG AND DR SCBOLCZ.MICHAEL's PRIMARY DOC. AND MAANY MORE.

Friday, December 15, 2000 at 06:45 AM (CST)

MICHAEL,
I MISS YOU SO MUCH, MOMMY HASN'T BEEN FEELING WELL,I AM STARTING TO FEEL BETTER AND DADDY IS ALSO DOING BETTTER.EACH DAY IS SUCH A CHALLENGE FOR BOTH OF US AND NOW THAT MOMMY COULDN'T DRIVE DADDY HAS BEEN HAVING TO FIND WAYS TO DO THE THINGS HE NEEDS TO DO, GRANDPA LEE HELPED TO TAKE HIM TO COURT ON WED, THE LADY PLEADED NO CONTEST,HUH!#%#! WONDER WHY...WOOPS SORRY A LITTLE SINICAL THERE.AND THAN TONY AND HE WENT OUT FOR LUNCH TO TALK SHOP, AND THAN MR WINDOR TOOK DADDY CHRISTMAS SHOPPING, YESTERDAY HE HAD TO STAY HOME WITH ME,
THESE ARE GOING TO BE THE HARDEST DAYS YET TO COME,EXCEPT THE DAY WE LOST YOU,I STILL KEEP RELIVING THIS DAY AS THOUGH IT WHERE YESTERDAY, AND THE PAIN IS SO UNBARABLE,I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ARE GONE AND WE WILL NEVER SEE YOU ON EARTH AGAIN.I HAVE BEEN SEEING YOU IN MY DREAMS, BUT IT'S DIFERENT THAN WHAT I IMAGINED.YOU ARE SO FAR AWAY FROM US AND I FEEL NO COMFORT AT ALL FROM THESE DREAMS.
I JUST WANT YOU BACK.
I WANT TO HOLD YOU AND NEVER LET YOU GO.
AND MICHAEL I AM SO AFRAID SOMETHING IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO THE BABY,PLEASE ASK GOD FOR A SPECIAL FAVOR, TO EASE MOMMIES WORRIES AND TO LET US KNOW YOU ARE OK.
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A VERY SPECIAL CHRISTMAS WITH GOD AND ALL OF THE ANGELS. WE WILL BE SAYING A SPECIAL PRAYER FOR YOU AT MIDNIGHT ON CHRISTMAS EVE, WE WILL LOOK TO THE SKY FOR YOU AND YOUR SHINNING STAR,I LONG FOR YOU BABY,
SEE YOU BRIGHT EYED AND BUSHY TAILED.

WE LOVE YOU MOMMY AND DADDY

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO EVERYONE AND A VERY HAPPY NEW AND MANY YEARS TO COME,
JANE AND MICK
SEE OR WRITE TO YOU ALL AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER AND DONE

Friday, December 08, 2000 at 08:20 AM (CST)

WE ARE QUICKLY ARRIVNIG TO THE END OF THE HUSTLE AND BUSTLE,THANK YOU GOD,
WE ARE SO EXCITED ABOUT GOING TO DUKE AND CAN HARDLY WAIT TO LEAVE, SO KEEP YOUR FINGERS CROSSED THAT ALL GOES AS PLANNED.
WE WILL LEAVE(IF THE DR. SAYS IT'S OK) ON THE 19TH AFTER MICKS D.R. APPT AND AFTER WE GO TO FT MYERS HOSPITAL.THIS HAS BEEN AN INTERESTING MONTH SO FAR, WE BOTH HAVE BEEN VERY BUSY, ME WITH DR. APPTS AND LUNCHWITH THE GIRLS,ONE THING I AM VERY SAD ABOUT IS THAT WE WERE PLANNING ON GOING TO THE DEDCATION TO THE CHRISTMAS BOX ANGEL AND COMPLETELY FORGOT, MY FRIENDS DAUGHTER CALLS ME AND SAYS SHE WAS THERE(AND WAITING FOR US) AND SAW THE BAG WITH MICHAEL'S NAME ON IT AND SHE COULDN'T LEAVE IT.WHY DO THESE THINGS HAPPEN,I TOLD MICK THAT WE WOULD LEAVE AT 4:00 SO WE WOULD HAVE PLENTY OF TIME TO GET DOWN TO MARCO. AND THAN WE CAME HOME AND I LOOKED AT THE CLOCK AND IT WAS 10 MINUTES TO SIX,AND THAN THATS WHEN I GOT THE CALL FROM HEATHER,MY HEART ACHES,I MISSED ANOTHER SPECIAL OCCASION TO BE NEARER TO YOU,MICHAEL,I AM SO SORRY, BUT AS JACKIE AND KIM SAID THERE IS A REASON FOR EVERYTHING,I JUST WEANTED SO TO BE THERE,SINCE WE MISSED THE RELAY FOR LIFE AND NOW THIS.

MICHAEL,I WENT TO LISA AND CHRIS' HOUSE LAST NIGHT (AND CLAY AND TAWNY)AND CLAY JUST LOVES ALL OF YOUR CLOTHES, AND SHOES, HE JUST WARES EVERYTING WITH SUCH PASSION.THIS IS WHY I GAVE THE THINGS TO LISA I KNEW THAT THEY WOULD BE WORN AND USED. BUT HE MISSES YOU AND SO DOES HEATHER AND ERIK AND ALL THE KIDS THEY CAN'T BELIVE THAT YOU ARE GONE AND THAT THERE IS SOMETHING OUT THERE KILLING OUR CHILDREN TO THIS EXTREME,IT IS VERY DIFICULT TO IMAGIN HAVING TO BE TTHIER MOMMIES AND HAVING TO EXPLAIN.I KNOW HOW HARD IT WAS TELLING YOU THINGS,BUT YOU WHERE ALWAYS SO UNDERSTANDING,BUT IT JUST BROKE MY HEART,THE LAST TIME AND I'LL ALWAYS REMEMBER THE WAY YOU TRIED TO MAKE "ME" FEEL BETTER....OH GOD WHY MY BABY WHY MY PRECIOUS LITTLE GUY,I MISS HIM SO MUCH..
MICHAEL I LOVE YOU!
AND WE WILL BE NEAR YOU( CLOSER TO YOU ) SOON I HAVE THE DECORATIONS ALREADY TO GO. I CAN'T WAIT TO CUT THE TREE DOWN,AND SEE SNOW AND PUT UP LIGHTS,,,,BUT IT JUST WON'T BE THE SAME WITHOUT YOU TO HELP ME... YOU WERE ALWAYS SUCH A BIG HELPER, WHAT WILL I DO WITH OUT YOU BABY...

I HOPE YOU WILL ALL REMEMBER TO LOOK TO THE SKY FOR OUR ANGEL ON CHRISTMAS EVE, SAY A LITTLE PRAY THAT WE WILL MAKE IT THROUGH THE NIGHT WITHOUT "MICHAEL"

SEE YOU BRIGHT EYED AND BUSHY TAILED BABY

WE LOVE YOU, MOMMY AND DADDY AND YOUR BABY BROTHER OR SISTER

Thursday, November 30, 2000 at 07:16 PM (CST)

HI,
IT'S BEEN A DIFFICULT FEW DAYS BUT IT SEEMS AS THOUGH WE MADE IT PASSED ONE MORE HOLIDAY WITHOUT YOU.I PUT A NEW PICTURE OF YOU WITH SANTA ON HIS LAP, CHRISTMAS 97 THE YEAR YOU WERE DIAGNOSED AND THE YEAR (END) THAT WE MOVED INTO THIS HOUSE,I FOUND THESE PICTURES STUCK IN A CAMERA AND HAD THEM DEVELOPED 1HOUR.I THINK I JUST WANT THE ONE PICTURE IN HERE FOR A WHILE. DADDY AND I WILL GO TO THE CABIN FOR CHRISTMAS, BUT BEFORE WE GO TO THE CABIN WE WILL GO TO "DUKE".I FEEL THIS IS SOMETHING YOU WOULD HAVE WANTED TO DO SO WE'LL DO IT FOR YOU. WE HAVE ALOT OF HOT WHEELS, I KNOW YOU WOULD HAVE WANTED TO KEEP ALL THE ONES YOU DON'T HAVE.
MICHAEL THIS IS SO DIFICULT ... LIVING WITHOUT YOU.IT TRULY IS LIKE A BAD,BAD DREAM.I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME EXCEPTING YOUR GONE,I TRULY BELIEVE THAT ONE DAY I'LL WAKE AND YOU'LL BE HERE(AT LEAST I PRAY TO GOD THAT THIS IS A BAD DREAM)
I STILL AM NO CLOSER TO AN UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT HAPPENED. I WAS WATCHING THE VIDEO OF THE WEEKENDS PRECEEDING YOUR DEATH,NO ANSWERS THERE,
I DO KNOW THAT I WANT YOU BACK, I WANT YOU HERE WHERE YOU BELONG ,WITH ME AND DADDY AND THE NEW BABY,WHY? GOD, DID THIS HAPPEN? I WANT TO UNDERSTAND, WHEN THERE ARE CHILDREN THAT ARE UNLOVED AND KNOW ONE WOULD MISS THEM WHY MICHAEL AND JIMMY AND JUSTIN AND BECCA AND AJ AND STEVE,AND DOUG AND THAN THERE ARE MORE, WHEN MOMMY AND DADDY STAYED BY THIER SIDE ALL THE TIME WHY THESE CHILDREN? WHY NOT THE ONES WHO LIVE IN PAIN ALL THIER LIVES BECAUSE NO-ONE CARES, WHY??????
MICHAEL I HAVE TO CLOSE NOW, PLEASE COME TO ME IN MY DREAMS SO WE CAN TALK.I NEED TO SEE YOU HEAR YOU FEEL YOU.
I MAY NOT WRITE AGAIN FOR AWHILE, THIS IS VERY DIFICULT, BUT PLEASE LOOK TO THE STARS FOR OUR SHINNING STAR ON CHRISTMAS EVE!
MICHAEL AUNT TAMMY, FAWNIE,DYLAN ,MISS DEBBIE AND MR WINDSOR AND JOHNNY AND JEANNINE ARE COMING TO THE CABIN. AUNT TAMMY AND THE KIDS WILL BE THERE FOR CHRISTMAS. WE WILL DECORATE A TREE (WE WILL GO CUT OUR OWN DOWN)AND FILL A STOCKING FOR YOU , AND WHILE MARKS NOT LOOKING I'LL PUT UP ALL THE BELLS AND LIGHTS.I HOPE YOU LIKE IT , I ALSO HAVE SOME SPECIAL THINGS FOR YOU FROM MISS AMY AND ME!
ONE OTHER THING, DADDY HAD A TATOO OF A TOOMBSTONE AND YOUR NAME AND THE DATES OF YOUR LIFE PUT ON HIS BACK, WELL THE STRANG THING ABOUT THIS IS THAT WHILE HE WAS LAYING ON THE BED AN IMPRINT OF THE TATOO WAS PLACED BETWEEN US ON THE SHEETS, WHAT A SIGN. THANK YOU
I LOVE YOU

MERRY CHRISTMAS,SEE YOU WHEN YOUR BRIGHT EYED AND BUSHY TAILED,
MOMMY AND DADDY

Wednesday, November 22, 2000 at 11:09 AM (CST)

MICK AND I JUST WANT TO WISH EVERYONE A VERY HAPPY THANKSGIVING. AS WE ARE VERY THANKFUL FOR ALL OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

X-MAS PRESENTS FOR THE KIDS,,????????
YES I NEED MORE PAPER AND TAPE( DON'T FORGET KIDS PAPER )

WE ALSO NEED MORE GIRL'S TOYS , BUT NOT ONLY !!!!!

GOD BLESS YOU ALL!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING MICHAEL MOMMY AND DADDY LOVE YOU !
UNTIL THE DAY OUR EYES MEET AGAIN I WILL CRY FOR YOU EVERY DAY.
YOU WERE MY SPECIAL LITTLE BOY AND YOU MADE ME SO PROUD TO BE YOUR MOMMY.
I JUST WANTED TO SAY,
OUR LIVES WILL NEVER BE COMPLETE
WITHOUT YOU HERE,
JUST KNOW THAT WE LOVE YOU MY DEAR.
I WATCH FOR YOU IN MY DREAMS,
YET YOU HAVEN'T COME,IT SEEMS
I KNOW IN TIME YOU'LL BE HERE.
UNTIL OUR EYES MEET AGAIN I WILL LOVE YOU AND LIVE IN FEAR.
I LOVE YOU MICHAEL,MOMMY AND DADDY

Wednesday, November 22, 2000 at 11:09 AM (CST)

Sunday, November 19, 2000 at 05:34 PM (CST)

HELLO EVERYONE AND THANK YOU FOR SIGNING THE PAGE,
MICK WILL GO BACK TO THE DR. ON TEUS. HE THINKS THE DOC. WILL SAY OK HERE'S YOUR WALKER.I'M NOT AS SURE.HE WILL HAVE TO DO ALOT OF REHABILITATION BEFORE HE CAN WALK YET....
I WENT TO THE BABY DR. LAST WEEK AND I HAD DECIDED THAT I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHAT THE SEX IS...DON'T YA KNOW THAT THE BABY WAS POSITIONED SO WE COULDN'T SEE,THE TECH SAYS,WELL I'LL SEE YOU AT WEEK 32 FOR ANOTHER CHANCE,IT'S GOD WILL MICK DOSEN'T WANT TO KNOW AND I COULD SEE MY FRIENDS TELLING THIER HUSBANDS AND THEM SAYING"OH YOUR HAVING A--------! WOOPS SO THIS IS THE WAY IT TO BE FOR NOW,THE HEART BEAT LOOKS GOOD AND THE THE BABY HAD IT'S HAND TO IT'S CHIN AS IF IT WAS THINKING,MICHAEL DID ALOT OF THINKING....
BOY I MISS HIM SO MUCH,I WAS WATCHING MY YOUNGEST NEPHEW DILLON YESTERDAY, AND IT WAS VERY INTERESTING,I DIDN'T WANT TO TAKE HIM TO GRANDMA'S WELL I DID BUT SHE WAS WORKING LATE.. AND BY THE TIME HE WAS FINISHED PLAYING AT MY FRIENDS HOUSE HE WAS POOPED, SO I FIGURED WE COULD GET A BATH AND HE WOULD GO TO SLEEP,, SO GRANDMA CAME TO MY HOUSE AND SHE FED HIM AND HE FELL ASLEEP IN HER ARMS.
SATURDAY MORNING I AWOKE TO CHECK MY EMAIL.I WENT INTO EMILY'S PAGE AND SHE HAS BEEN IN THE HOSPITAL FOR THE WEEK SO I THOUGHT I'D GO SEE HER,(PLEASE PRAY FOR HER)WOW WHAT A ROLLERCOASTER RIDE.ONE MILE FROM THE HOUSE I WAS SHAKING, AND THAN ONCE I GOT TO THE HIGHWAY I WAS OK, THAN I SAW EMY, THINGS WENT GREAT SHE'S SOMETHING ELSE,SO BEAUTIFUL AND SO UNAFRAID(5 YEARS OLD) DAD DIDN'T LOOK AS WELL AND I WANTED TO SPEND MORE TIME BUT I ALSO COULDN'T WAIT TO LEAVE,IF YOU CAN UNDERSTAND,WE HAD SO MUCH FUN THOUGH,WE PLAYED BARBIES AND THAN SHE WANTED TO MAKE BEAD CHAINS(KEY CHAINS) AND THAN I LEFT AND AS I WAS WALKING THROUGH THE HOSPITAL ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT WAS MICHAEL AND ME RUNNING BEHIND HIM AND HIS TRICYCLE, HIS LITTLE GREEN MACHINE, OH PEOPLE WOULD SIGH, BECAUSE I WOULD ALLOW HIM TO RIDE THIS BIKE WHILE HOOKED TO HIS CENTRAL LINE,,,,BUT HEY DR. SALMAN EVEN APPROVED, THE NURESE WEREN'T TO HAPPY, AS WE RAN ABOUT WITH CHEMO HOOKED UP BUT IT WAS A BLAST AND A CHALLENGE TO KEEP UP WITH HIM,
THEY,THE HOSPITAL IN FT MYERS... HAS A MEMORIAL WALL SET UP AROUND THE LAKE,I WAS CRYING ALL THE WAY AROUND THE HOSPITAL AND THAN THE LAKE, WHY?????? WHY THESE KIDS WHO ARE SO DEEPLY LOVED AND SO SPECIAL,, THERE ARE SO MANY OUT THERE THAT WOULDN'T EVEN BE MISSED (I KNOW THIS IS SAD BUT SO TRUE)I THINK OF THIS ALOT,, WHY????
19 WEEKS MONDAY THAT MICHAEL WILL BE GONE FORM US,,, AND HE FEELS SO FAR AWAY FROM ME I CAN HARDLY BARE IT,I "CAN" STILL HEAR HIM SAYING MOMMA,,,,,AT THE CABIN BEFORE HE DIED, HE WAS ALWAYS CALLING ME MOMMA,
SPEAKING OF THE CABIN MARK JUST WALKED IN. HE'S OUR FRIEND THAT HAS THE CABIN NEXT TO OURS ...WELL THIS IS WHERE WE STAY WHEN WE GO TO THE CABIN UNTIL WE FIX OURS UP....WON'T BE FOR A LONG WHILE NOW..ANYWAYS GOD BLESS YOU ALL AND THANK YOU!
JANE

Sunday, November 19, 2000 at 05:34 PM (CST)

Thursday, November 16, 2000 at 08:36 AM (CST)

Hello everyone,
things are getting better each day,I dreamed of the kids at DUKE last night now I will have to call the nurses and make sure everythings ok.
It has been 18 and 1/2 weeks now that are little Michael has been gone,I find each day a great big challange,and than I find myself into a new day,I loved my son with everything inside of me and I know mick does too,I also know that he was what kept us going each and every minute of the day,and now I can only thank him for this because He taught me (us) how to servive,Yes SERVIVE.....this is the only way we can go on is to think of his strength's and courage,OH HE DID HAVE COURAGE,the only thing that upsets me so is that I put this there,telling him different things,such as it'll be ok and you have to take your medicine to get better and now he's gone,he believed me and i was wrong,
I really and truly don't understand way he was taken from us and probobly never will, but I do know that he was the best there was to be in a child,and I thank him for letting us be his mommy and daddy
As the holidays come closer I am feelinig his loss even greater.I WON'T BE SPENDING TIME WITH THE FAMILY ,THIS JUST EATS ME ALIVE INSIDE TO THINK THAT MICHAEL WON'T BE HERE TO OPEN PRESENTS OR SEE THE HUGE CHRISTMAS TREE THAT WE WOULD HAVE PICKED OUT we were very decorative people when it came to the holidays, and now even if we wanted to get the decorations out we can't .
they ARE IN THE GARAGE(NO I DON'T WAnt them)
next year..........
well on another note

SIGN THE PAGE TO SAY HELLO,IF YOU READ JUST GO TO SIGN AND SAY HELLO IF NOT TO ME TO MICHAEL,I
KNOW WE CAN TALK TO HIM WITHOUT HAVING TO SPEAK OUT LOUD OR WRITE BUT SHOW ME YOU HAVE A MINUTE FOR US,JUST TO SAY HELLO

WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A GREAT CHRISTMAS FOR THE KIDS,WE SHOULD TRY TO GET THINGS POINTING TO AN END ON OR AROUND DEC 10TH OR SO,
MICK AND I WILL GO TO THE HOSPITAL IN FT MYERS AROUND THE 13TH OR THE FOLLOWING WEEK,HE ASKED ME IF HE COULD GO WITH ME ME,I NEVER CONSIDERED GOING WITHOUT HIM..............
WELL LOVE TO YOU ALL. AND HAVE A GREAT THANKSGIVING,IF I DON'T SPEAK TO YOU BEFORE THAN,

MICHAEL I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT THERE'S NOT ONE MINUTE ,HOUR,OR DAY THAT GOES BY THAT WE DON'T THINK OF YOU YOU ARE IN MY HEAD ALWAYS,AND IN MY HEART,I MISS YOU SO BAD.
I HOPE YOU CAN FORGIVE ME....... I REALLY THOUGHT YOU WOULD NEVER LEAVE US.
A PARENT SHOULD NEVER OUT LIVE HIS CHILD,I'M SORRY BABY.
I'LL SEE YOU WHEN YOUR BRIGHT EYED AND BUSHY TAILED,,,,,,,I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!

Friday, November 10, 2000 at 08:41 AM (CST)

OUR JESS PASSED HER EXAM TO GO TO SCHOOL TO BE A DOCTOR, WAY TO GO JESS MICHAEL WOULD HAVE JUST THOUGHT THIS WAS THE GREATEEST THING SINCE "HOT WHEELS" WE LOVE YOU JESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THANK YOU MORGAN FOR THAT BEAUTIFUL POEM,I HAVE BEEN MISSING MICHAEL ALOT THESE PAST FEW DAYS,I CAN'T SEEM TO GET HIS LITTLE FACE OFF MY MIND AND THAN WHEN I LOOK AT PICTURES, THE ONES OF ME HOLDING BEFORE HE WAS SICK,I'M CALMED BUT THAN I SEE ONE OF HIM AT DUKE OR OF WHEN HE WAS VERY SICK AND I CRY SO VERY HARD,
THANK YOU! THE POEM WAS ABSOLUTLY WHAT I NEEDED,
MICK AND I ARE DOING WELL AT THIS POINT.
MICK IS SLEEPING IN OUR BED NOW, LAST NIGHT WAS THE FIRST NIGHT WE HAVE SLEPT IN THE SAME BED SINCE SEPT 24TH,AND IT WAS VERY RESTLESS MOSTLY BECAUSE OF THE DOG,PUNKI HASN'T BEEN FEELING TO WELL.BEFORE MICHAEL RELAPSED SHE WAS DIAGNOSED WITH CANCER, BUT SO FAR SHE WILL BE 12 IN DEC, AND IS DOING OK.BUT I SEE THE SAME UNCERTAINTY IN HER AS I SAW IN OUR MICHAEL,THE DAY BEFORE WE TOOK MICAHEL TO DUKE OUR DOG BRANDY(WHO WAS VERY OLD) ALSO DIED.THIS HAS BEEN ONE YEAR THAT WILL HOLD SO MANY BITTER SWEET MEMEORIES THAT I WOULD LIKE TO FORGET BUT YET COULD NEVER TRADE THEM FOR THE WORLD.
I UPDATED THE OTHER DAY BUT IT WAS LOST, SOMETIMES I THINK GOD SAYS NOT THIS PAGE I'M GOING TO LOOSE IT "WHY I DON'T KNOW MAYBE THINGS GOT A LITTLE TO PERSONAL,I JUST AM NOT SURE ,BUT I DO KNOW I SECOND GUESS THE ENTRIES ON THESE DAYS.
WELL WE HAVE SOME TOYS THAT WE'RE SENDING TO THE HOSPITAL,FOR CHRISTMAS AND I WILL BE ORGANIZING THESE TO GO TO DUKE, SARA SAID THAT I COULD SEND THEM TO HER SO THEY DON'T GET ALL SPREAD OUT AND THAN THEY WILL BE GIVEN OUT AT THE PROPER TIME AND TO THE CHILDREN AS SEEN FIT,SHE IS SUCH A WONDERFUL PERSON, I HAVE NEVER MET A ANGEL BEFORE BUT I TRULY BELIEVE THAT WE MET MANY ANGEL'S AT DUKE , SARA IS THED ONE IN CHARGE,,,,HAHAHAH WE JUST ABSOLUTLY ADORE HER AND I KNOW THAT ANYONE WHO EVER COMES ACROSS HER PATH WOULD THINK SO TOO.
WELL TODAY I'M TAKING MICK TO THE SHOP, SO HE CAN RELIEVE HIS OFFICE MANAGER AND THE BOSS'S WIFE(PARTNER'S) THEY HAVE BEEN SO UNBELIVEABLY GOOD TO US (THAT'S NOT EVEN THE RIGHT WORD)AND MICK HAS NO CONTROL, SO WE'LL GIVE HIM THIS DAY TO FEEL LIKE HIMSELF AGAIN, AS I WAS SAYING IN THE LETTER THAT WAS LOST, I AM SO VERY LUCKY TO HAVE FRIENDSA ND A HUSBAND LIKE MICK,HE HAS BEEN DIFICULT AT TIMES BUT ,HE HAS ALOT TO CONTEND WITH ME AND MY HORMONES FLYING SO HE'LL HAVE HIS SHARE OF FORGIVENESS .......
HAVE A GREAT DAY AND REMEMBER TO PRAY FOR THE CHILDREN AND ANYINE WHO MAY BE FIGHTING FOR THERE LIFE, GOD WILL TAKE CARE OF THEM.

AS FOR YOU MICHAEL I WISH YOU COULD BE HERE THIS WEEKEND WE ARE DOING FONDUE WITH MICKS FAMILY AND SOME CLOSE FRIENDS,I KNOW YOU WOULD ENJOY IT.
TILL I SEE YOU BRIGHT EYED AND BUSHY TAILED,WE LOVE YOU WITH ALL OUR HEARTS,I HOPE YOU CAN FORGIVE US FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO KEEP YOU HERE,HOW IT HURTS TO THINK YOU PUT ALL YOUR TRUST IN US AND WE FAILED YOU.
PLEASE DO NOT COMMENT ON THIS I WILL ALWAYS FEEL THIS WAY,I KNOW WHAT MY DAD DID TO ME AND HE'S STILL ALIVE, KNOW ONE CAN TELL ME HE(MICHAEL) WOULDN'T FEEL THIS WAY,(I KNOW HE WOULD FORGIVE US BUT NONE THE LESS)
I LOVE YOU............MOMMY AND DADDY

Friday, November 10, 2000 at 08:41 AM (CST)

Wednesday, November 08, 2000 at 05:14 PM (CST)

Wednesday, November 01, 2000 at 02:55 PM (CST)

HI EVERYONE,
TODAY I WENT TO THE BABY DR. AND THE BABIES HEART BEAT IS VERY,VERY STRONG.WE'LL HAVE AN ULTRASOUND IN 2 WEEKS,TODAY HE JUST DID AN AUDIOSOUND ??, WELL IT'S BEEN A LITTLE OVER 16 WEEKS NOW THAT MICHAEL HAS BEEN GONE,MY HEART STILL YERNS FOR HIM DAILY,BUT WITH ALL WE HAVE GOING ON MENTALLY IT KEEPS MY MIND OCCUPIED MOMENTARILY,
MICK IS DOING BETTER EACH DAY,IT WILL BE STILL 5-6 MONTHS BEFORE HE CAN ACTUALLY GET ON HIS LEGS.BUT HE HELPS ME CLEAN THE HOUSE AND HE IS FINALLY ABLE TO TAKE A SHOWER,WHICH HE IS DOING NOW WHILE I UPDATE.WE HAVE COME A LONG WAY IN THE PAST MONTH,I CAN ONLY THANK GOD FOR EACH OTHER, I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO WITHOUT HIM,IT'S BEEN TOUGH BEING HE CONFINED TO THE HOUSE BUT HE IS TRULY AN AMAZING PERSON,THAT'S WHY WE LOVE MICHAEL SO MUCH HE HAD HIS DADDY'S MIND SET, ON THE THINGS HE WANTED TO DO, AND HE LOVED EVERY STEP OF THE WAY (HE GOT THAT FROM ME)BUT HE HAD QUALITIES THAT I WISHED I COULD HAVE HAD, WE ALWAYS WORRY ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK IN ONE WAY OR THE OTHER AND IT WASN'T THAT MICHAEL DIDN'T CARE IT WAS JUST THAT HE KNEW HOW TO TELL YOU WHAT HE WANTED AND THERE WERE NO QUALMS ABOUT IT. YOU DIDN'T FEEL BAD BECAUSE HE TOLD YOU NO.I THOUGHT THAT MAYBE HE WOULD HURT SOMEONES FEELING BY SAYING NO, BUT I LET HIM DO WHAT IT WAS HE WANTED, AS FAR AS MAKING HIS OWN DISCISIONS. HE MADE US VERY PROUD OF THE PERSON HE WAS BECOMING. AND IN ALL THIS THAT'S WHAT HURTS THE MOST IS WE WON'T GET TO SEE HIM GROW. GROW TO BE THE SELF SUFFICIANT PERSON THAT HE WAS.HE HAD DONE MORE IN HIS LIFE THAN MOST DO IN A FULL LIFE TIME,MAYBE IT WAS JUST THE KIND SPIRIT IN HIS HEART, BUT TODAY I FIND THAT MORE PEOPLE COMPLAIN ABOUT THINGS THAT ARE SELF INFLICTED AND DO NOTHING ABOUT IT WHY NOT TRY TO HELP THEMSELVES,TAKE TAKE TAKE, I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW YOU CAN SIT BACK AND LET OTHER PEOPLE FIGHT YOUR BATTLES(OR PAY YOUR BILLS).MICHAEL FOUGHT HIS OWN BATTLES VERYDAY AND WE HELPED BECAUSE HE WAS ONLY FIVE YEARS OLD,THESE PEOPLE I SPEAK OF TODAY, ARE PLENTY OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW WHAT IS RIGHT AND WHAT IS WRONG AND IT SADDENS MY HEART. BUT THAN I THINK OF MICHAEL AND MY HEART SMILES,
PLEASE LET OUR CHILD TEACH YOU THAT THE THINGS YOU THINK ARE HARD, REALLY AREN'T ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS TRY, TRY TO DO IT IF YOU DON'T YOU'LL NEVER KNOW. LEARN FROM A FIVE YEAR OLD WHO'S MIND AND SOUL WAS NEVER TAINTED BY SOCIETY, HE WAS TRULY GENUINE,TAKE THAT THOUGHT AND CARRY IT WITH YOU ALWAYS. A FIVE YEAR OLD SHOWED MORE COURAGE THAN MOST OF US WILL EVER.
WELL I HAVE TO GO HELP MICK GET OUT OF THE TUB.
GOD BLESS YOU ALL AND KEEP YOU SAFE TILL ANOTHER DAY COMES AND FOREVER.DON'T PUT OFF UNTIL TOMORROW WHAT YOU CAN DO TODAY, love to you all ,jane

I'M STILL SO EXCITED ABOUT THE TOYS FOR THE KIDS, I SPOKE TO MICHAEL'S NURSE SARA LAST NIGHT AND SHE SIAD SOMETHING THAT REMINDED ME ABOUT THE KIDS AND OPENING PRESENTS,THAT IT IS HALF THE FUN UNWRPPING THE PRESENTS, SO I WILL WRAP ANY PRESENTS THAT AREN'T WRAPPED, BUT REMEMBER IF YOU WRAP A PRESENT WE NEED TO KNOW WHAT IT IS.SO LABLE THE PACKAGE SOMEHOW SO WE KNOW IF IT'S FOR A BOY OR GIRL AND THE AGE RANGE,IF IT'S FOR A GIRL AND THERE NOT FOR ANY PERTICULAR AGE THAN JUST PUT GIRL, AND IF IT'S HOT WHEELS JUST PUT BOY,(MICK HAD ME PUT ONE OF THE HOT WHEELS I BOUGHT INTO MICAHEL'S COLLECTION,BECAUSE HE DIDN'T HAVE THAT ONE, SO WHAT'S REALLY GOING ON HERE??)
BUT AGAIN I AM FINDING ALOT OF NEAT THINGS FOR THE KIDS.BArbies ,toy story 2 video, jackfrost,HOTWHEELS GALORE,sunglasses,arts and crafts,bead key chain makers,NURSE shooters(nurf shooters),REMOTE CONTROL CARS,BOARD GAMES,AND ALL KINDS OF KOOL JEWELERY.
WELL HOPW YOU ALL HAD A GOOD HALLOWEEN. AND NOW LESS THAN 2 MONTHS BEFORE CHRISTMAS,,,,,,CAN YOU BELIEVE IT????
THIS YEAR IS ALMOST GONE AND I,WE CAN ONLY HOPE TAHT 2001 WILL KINDER TO US.
AGAIN GOD BLESS YOU ALL.
JANE AND MICK
MICHAEL, THE NURSE ARE ALL STILL SO SAD ABOUT YOUR DEATH, AND THE KIDS STILL ASK ABOUT YOU,HOPE YOU ARE SAFE AND HAPPY,MOMMY AND DADDY MISS YOU BABY. AND ONLY WAIT FOR EACH DAY TO PASS SO WE CAN BE CLOSER TO HOME.

I LOVE YOU! MOMMY.JANE

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