Journal History

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Tuesday, March 17, 2009 6:22 PM CDT

Happy anniversary in Heaven sweetheart. I know you love it up there but we sure do miss you down here. I can't believe it's been 6 years since the last time I saw you or heard your voice. It never gets easier to be here without you. Life gets hectic and crazy but you are still so much a part of it and you always will be.

I love you MISS you so very much.

Love,
Mom

Saturday, March 17, 2007 5:36 AM CDT

My Dear Sabrina, It's been 4 years.... how can it be 4 years since I last saw you? How can it be so long since you told me that you couldn't stay with us much longer? How can it be 4 years??? Sometimes it seems like yesterday and sometimes it seems like a lifetime. I miss you with every fiber of my being. I know that you know that Sam is getting married next weekend. She always wanted you to be her maid of honor. I know you'll be there in spirit but it's not the same. Sam is carrying something of yours during the wedding. She wants you there too... she misses you so much sweetheart. I know you are in a better place but sometimes that just doesn't make it better. Sometimes I want to be selfish and bring you back here with us. I know you've experienced all the joys that heaven has to offer and that you'd never return to this old earth now but even knowing that I still want you back. I'm so blessed to have all the memories that we made in your short lifetime. I still have the note that you wrote me and hid for me to find after you were gone. I will always cherish that little piece of paper. I will always cherish you and every memory I have of you.

There are so many things I want to say to you.... so much I want to catch you up on but I know in my heart that you know everything we do and everything that is going on. I just miss being able to share it all with you. I feel so cheated that you left us at such a young age but then I feel so blessed to have had 19 whole years with you.

Thank you for the sign yesterday. I know you sent that guy to the credit union. The timing was just to weird for you not to have sent him. How cool is it that he trained flipper and worked with whales. Everything you always dreamed of doing he's done. I just smile and thought of you when he was telling me that story.

I love you baby.

Love,
Mom

Saturday, September 16, 2006 10:56 AM CDT

Happy Birthday in Heaven my sweet sweet daughter. I cannot even tell you how much you are missed here on earth but I know you'd never come back here even if you could.....not and leave the perfect place you are in now. A very selfish part of me wishes you back every day but I'd never wish you to have to go through again what you went through while you were here. I just miss you. I dream about you alot and while some dreams bring tears I'm always so thankful to see you....even if in my dreams.

Your dad and I just put new flowers on your grave. It seems like such a small thing to do in honor of your 23rd birthday. I'm also going to send money to the Children's Inn. I know how special that place was to you....to all of us. Your flowers are small orange and pink roses and I had a butterfly put in each one. I will never be able to look at a butterfly or at anything to do with the ocean without thinking of you.

I love you sweetheart and miss you so very much.

Love,
Mom

Monday, August 22, 2005 8:28 AM CDT

I haven't posted here since Christmas last year. I don't come here as often as I used to but just can't bring myself to close this sight down either.

Today marks 7 years since our nightmare with cancer began. It was 7 years ago that we first heard the words "your daugher has a large tumor...." "it's maligant....." "you have a long road ahead of you......" those are just a few things I remember the dr. saying. I can remember that day like it was yesterday. It is forever etched in my mind. I remember having to tell Sabrina (who was one month from being 15 years old). I remember trying to keep my tears from flowing while we told our very athletic, healthy happy 14 year old daughter that she had cancer. I remember her asking me if she was going to die. I remember telling her that she wasn't. I remember telling her that it could be treated and that we were going to fight it with everything we had (which we did). I remember her being upset that she couldn't play volleyball that year. Oh how I wish that would have ended up being out biggest problem.

To my darling daughter Sabrina,

I love you and miss you with every fiber of my being. Sometimes I feel like you are here with me... I like those times.

I love you sweetheart.

Friday, December 24, 2004 4:30 AM CST

Hi Sweetie and Merry Christmas in Heavan. I can't imagine what kind of Christmas you get to have up there. We miss you more and more each day. Some days it's still not completely real to me that you are gone.....I don't know if it ever will be.

Sam finally graduated college but you know that don't you? I know you were there with her that day watching over her as usual.

Mom and dad celebrated their 50th anniversary. I know you were there too. Thank you for the dolphin sign you sent me that day. You knew I was missing you so bad and that I needed that didn't you?

I'd give anything to see you smiling face and hold you in my arms right now sweetheart but I know that that will have to wait for a another day.

We love you baby.
Mom

Friday, September 17, 2004 5:50 AM CDT

This is a day late (I wasn't going to post this here but felt very compelled to do so today).

Happy 21st birthday in heaven Sabrina. I miss you more than words can express. My heart broke yesterday, today will break tomorrow because you aren't here with me. Sam came down and spent the day because like me, she couldn't bear to be around alot of people and to far from family. I hope your heavenly birthday was a blast and that you are at peace and happy sweetie. We love you.
Mom

Saturday, July 24, 2004 7:38 AM CDT

I haven't put an update on here since May so thought it was time. We've had what seems like a very busy summer. The candle business is slow right now as I expected it would be. I look for it to pick up in the fall and be busy through Christmas. We are winding things down at our shop. It's still so strange to me that after August we will no longer be at Al's Motors. We are having a going out of business auction on Aug. 21st. We have ALOT to do between now and then. I plan to have a concession stand set up that day and the proceeds will go to Sabrina's memorial scholarship fund. I thought that was a good opportunity for a scholarship fundraiser. The sale will be long (we have sooooooo much stuff to sell) so the concessions should sell good that day.

We miss Sabrina with every fiber of our being still. I don't guess that will ever change. It's been 16 months now. It's so hard to believe that I've gone 16 months without seeing or talking to my daughter. And even harder to believe that I'll have to go the rest of my life doing the same. Some days I still get so mad that she was taken from me so early. I feel robbed. I feel like she was robbed. And the saddest part is that this cancer is still taking lives every day. Just this past week a friend from NY lost her 21 year old daughter to the same cancer. Sabrina will be 21 in September. We should be looking so forward to that. That is the last "cool" milestone birthday. That's the birthday where you become "legal" for lots of things you shouldn't be doing. Instead though we will visit her grave that day and invision the heavenly birthday party that she'll be having. It breaks my heart that I can't look forward to a day that I should be watching her look forward to.

I will close now. I just felt compelled to write a little in here and let everyone know that we are still here. We go through our daily routines, do the things we have to do. We laugh now more than we did but there will always be that hole...that empty space, that longing to see her just one more time that feeling of being cheated...but most of all the feeling of gratefulness that I got to be her mom and have her in my life for 19 years. I will always feel so blessed because of that.

till next time,
Cathy

Sunday, May 9, 2004 4:01 AM CDT

Dear Sabrina, It's Mother's Day and you aren't here. I know where you are but I want so badly for you to come back....even if just for a minute. I know that's selfish of me to want that and I know that you wouldn't leave that beautiful place to come back to this earth for anything even if you could. I miss you with all my heart sweety and I just want to say "thanks for letting me be your mom and I LOVE you".
Mom

Saturday, April 24, 2004 5:33 AM CDT

Thought I would update. It would seem that life has us all pretty busy. Some days are still so long without Sabrina here. I long with all my heart to wrap my arms around her and hold her, or to see her smile or hear her voice but I know that's not to be. Not right now anyway. I'm still up and down alot. This week has been tough for some reason. I'm not sure why unless it's because of Justin's birthday. I know that's a happy time (and I'm so glad he's here to have them) but it's just another reminder that Sabrina isn't here (physically) to share these things with us. Sabrina and Justin were very close. So close that they fought like siblings :-)....but she adored him and he did her too. We all adored her and we're all still trying to figure out what we're supposed to do without her here.

Some of you may have heard (and some have not) that we are shutting our business down. That's been very tolling on us too. It was a tough decision that wasn't made lightly. There were many factors involved in our decision to close the shop but the decision has been made and we think it will take 2 - 4 months to get it all done. The big question that everyone keeps asking Jim and I is what will we do after it's gone. The answer is that we aren't sure. Maybe we're nuts not having a plan but plans don't usually work out anyway so we're just going on with blind faith that God will send something our way. We do have a few things in mind that we will check out once the shop is gone (or at least once things slow down.....there's alot to do when you've been in one place for 30 years!). Please say a prayer for us that we will be guided in the right direction in our decision making.

I'm still a member of a support group called "rhabdo-kids". I'd like to ask everyone who reads this to pray for the families in that group (there are many.... all over the country) that are still struggling with their children fighting cancer. Of course there are families all over the world fighting this battle but these people I know specifically and personally. Some of them are really struggling right now as their childs treatment didn't work and they've been told that their days are numbered. It breaks my heart everytime a family gets that news. It brings back all the emotions of when we were told that very same thing and then the days that led to saying goodbye. Maybe I should leave that group and not put myself through that but I can't. These people are my friends and extended family and to shut them out is just not an option.

I've asked for alot of prayers in this update but I'd like to ask for one more. Please pray for Sam. She's going through a really rough/down period right now and needs your prayers.

Thanks for checking in. I know I don't post much anymore but life has a way of keeping you occupied and most times there's just not that much to say. Oh, one more thing though....this is a positive thing....Our yard is coming alive again and the garden is really looking beautiful. Jim made the pond bigger and we've been cleaning up and planting and creating our summer refuge again. A fried of mine was over the other night around dusk (about the time all our solar lights come on) and she just went on and on about how peaceful it was. I totally agree.

Till next time....
Cathy

Thursday, March 25, 2004 8:29 AM CST

I can't believe it was January since I last updated. Before long I will prob. stop the updates all together but there'a a part of me that doesn't think I can ever shut this page down so who knows.

We just passed the one year anniversary of Sabrina's passing. It was a strange day. It was hard in that all the memories of those last days, hours and minutes came flooding back. Jim and I just left for the day and ran around and shopped some and then came home and started planting stuff. That's what we do when we are stressed and now that the weather is starting to get better we hope to start getting things cleaned and prettied up around here. It's so hard to believe that Sabrina has been gone for a year now. In some ways it seems like I haven't seen her for 10 years and in others it still seems like she should come bounding through the door any second. We are still trying to figure out just exactly how we cope with all this but for the most part I think we do ok. It hurts....oh how it hurts but we try to just do the best we can. I will say that the happy memories are overriding the sad ones now. I can hear her voice sometimes saying some of the little goofy things she like to say (like when we was talking for Titus... her and Sam's puppy...she would say that he was saying..."wait foe me...wait foe me" when he was running after Vito) and little things like that. I can also remember some of the heart to heart talks we had about life, death and just things in general. While the ones about death we the most painful I am SO thankful that we had them and that I had no question where she stood, how she felt or what she believed. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her and I don't guess it ever will and that's fine.

My candle business is finally up and running (matter of fact..today is the "official" opening day for my website). You can check it out at www.cathyscandles4kids.com This has been a labor of love on my part and while it's tons and tons of work (sometimes 12 - 14 hour days!) I am enjoying it. I feel like I'm finally doing something that makes a difference. This business has already filled a huge void that I had in my life and for that I am thankful. It can never replace Sabrina but I can only hope and pray that she is looking down on me from heaven saying "Go mom!".

Sam is doing good. She just got back from a Spring Break trip to California. She had tons of fun but managed to come home with some sort of flu and an ear infection! She's so busy right now with work and school. After this semester she only has one more semester left. She will graduate in December. Jim told her that after she gets a job he gets her first 10 years salary. hahahaha....Her reply is always "yea right". We are very proud of Sam for not only persuing her dream to have a college degree but also for sticking with it when life was so hard and when she was dealing with the loss of her life long best friend and sister. I know Sabrina is smiling down on her every day with pride for all she has accomplished.

Trav and Justin are doing good too. Justin is growing like a wild weed (he's getting SO tall!). He'll be 8 next month! Where has the time gone? Seems like just yesterday that he was just a baby. Please say a prayer for Trav's girlfriends little boy. His name is Jacob, he's 2 and just this week he was tested for autism. The Dr.'s said it will be hard to tell at such a young age but apparently he's showing some signs so they felt it necessary to test him. The results won't be back for about 2 weeks so please pray that they are wrong and that maybe he's just a slow bloomer. He's a real little cutie and a little ham and he and Justin are becoming fast buddies.

Jim and I spent last weekend in Springfield. It was good to see Shelia, Donnie, Amber and Ben again. It was also good to get away. I thought we'd better go before I officially opened my candle business in case things got busy (well...busier!). If you live around here and are interested in buying candles you can either email me or go to Four Season's Florist or Treasure Seekers Antique Mall in Bernie.

Thanks for taking the time to stop by. Please continue to keep us in your prayers as each day without Sabrina is still so hard to bear.

Love and Hugs,
Cathy

Friday, January 2, 2004 8:45 AM CST

The holidays are over and the new year has begun. I planned to post during the holidays but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. They opened up all the raw emotions that I guess I had been suppressing. We missed Sabrina terribly during the past 2 weeks. We always miss her but it seemed worse during the holidays. In spite of that we were able to have as good a Christmas as we felt possible. We had Christmas Eve at my parents and exchanged gifts then. It was hard not having gifts for Sabrina and not having her their to hand out the presents (she has done that for a long long time). But we made it through. Then came new years eve. The last day of the last year that I can say I saw my daughter alive. That was a very sad day for me. It wasn't that 2003 was such a great year that I hated to see it go (quite the contrary) but 2003 held alot of things for us and to watch it come to a close brought back all the memories that it held. Jim and I opted to not do anything that night (we hardly ever do anyway on New Years eve anyway). We didn't even stay up till midnight. And then the next morning 2004 was here. Without a fan-fare, without a sound 2003 slipped away and 2004 took it's place. We will always miss Sabrina no matter what year, month or day it is. Most times the pain is bearable now but there are still times when it is overwhelming and I just still can't believe that she's gone. I know alot of people think that we should be "over-it" by now (after all it's been 9 months...right?). The people who think that have never lost a child. The ones who have experienced this kind of loss are the ones who will tell you that no matter how much time passes you never get "over-it". I have to say that I am thankful the the holidays are over and that I pray 2004 be calm and peaceful for our family.

I finally took pictures of Sabrina's stone. There is a link at the bottom of the page to a website that has the pictures on it. The ones of the front didn't turn out very good at all (I'm going to try to retake them soon) but the ones of the back are good. So if you haven't seen her stone and would like to just go to the link at the bottom of the page.

I'd like to close by sharing something that Justin said to me the other day. The conversation went something like this: Justin: "Mawmaw, I really miss Aunt Brinie" me: "so do I baby", Justin: "but I know she's up in heaven now and I bet she had a really good Christmas" me: "I'm sure she did sweety, she got to have Christmas with Jesus and celebrate his birthday with him" Justin: "WOW, she's so lucky!"....... Those are the words I want to hold on to in this new year...."wow, she's so lucky".

May your family have a safe, happy, healthy and peaceful 2004.
Cathy

Tuesday, December 9, 2003 5:15 AM CST

Hello all and Happy Holidays. We are trying very hard to think of the holidays as happy but it's just so hard....how can we do that when Sabrina is missing from our holiday festivities this year? We made it through Thanksgiving and I know we will make it through Christmas. I doubt the holidays will ever be the same though. I keep thinking "what would Sabrina want me to do" and sometimes I know the answer and that helps so much. She loved the holiday's and the memory of her love for them is my fuel. It's not just me that's having trouble getting into the holiday spirit. It's all of us. She's been gone for 9 months now. In some ways it feels like 9 years and in others it feels like I just said goodbye yesterday. Everyone has gone on with their lives (and that's normal) and we are trying to go on with ours but there is always that knowledge that we have to go on without her. I don't think it will ever stop hurting.

Jim has come a long way on the screen room. We are using it now. All he likes is putting in the new back door (that goes into the room) and putting whatever he's going to use on the ceiling and walls (right now they are plywood). We love it!! We sit out there quite a bit even now, in the middle of winter. I know it will be SO nice in the summer to be able to sit out there at night and not get eat up by bugs! That was actually our goal for building it.

We have also started the extremely hard task of cleaning out Sabrina's room. It will always be her room and some things I don't think I'll ever change about it but there are some things that need to be changed. It's hard to change it but it was just as hard for it to be left looking like she would be coming home to use it just any time. We are doing a little remodeling and that is what prompted us to start on her room.

I mentioned in one of my recent updates that I am starting a new venture. That venture is making candles and selling them on the internet and from our house. Some of you remember the "Sabrina" candles that you bought from me in the past. Long story short, I am taking over that business. My dear friend Annie (who started the business) has more on her plate than she can handle as her daughter Erin is back in treatment (please pray for their family) for leukemia. She shut the candle part of the business down back in the Spring. Recently she and I got together and made the decision that I would take over. Every candle made is named after a child that has or has had cancer. And a portion of the profits will go to help families affected by childhood cancer and also to organizations that research childhood cancer treatments and hopefully one day find a cure. I'm in the process of getting set up. There is so much to do. First and foremost I have to learn how to make candles. There is more to it than you would think. So I've been practicing and practicing. Some days the house smells really good and others not quite so good but I'm getting there! Also I have to design my website to sell the candles from and also the labels that go on the candles have to be designed. I am working on the legal part of it to (always has to be paperwork!) and am researching products that I can sell with the candles (like candles accessories). I'm open for input on what people would like to see offered with the candles. I have several ideas but am trying to pace myself so as not to burn out. As you can tell this has been keeping me very busy (a good thing). For the last 3 or 4 days I've had to force myself to quit playing in the wax and work on Sabrina's room and the rest of the house. I have stuff piled everywhere! Christmas presents that need wrapping, things out of Brin's room and just stuff that needs my attention. Of course one of the things that is slowing me down is my back. It's alot better but I'm still not pain free and still have to be careful what I do. I go back to the Dr. tomorrow so maybe I'll find out just when this is supposed to quit hurting! I'm soooooo tired of back pain and ready to be pain free and pain pill free (no I'm not Rush Limbaugh)!

Sam is working working working. She even has to work on Christmas night! Her semester is about over and she's very glad of that. This was a grueling one for her but she made it through and she thinks with flying colors (maybe even the dean's list.....) We are very proud of her. It's a treat now to get to see her as she is just so busy. Like me though she wants to be busy, esp. now with the holiday's approaching.

Trav and Justin are doing fine too. Of course Justin is getting pumped for Christmas and Santa Claus. Even in his young mind though he knows this is a happy/sad time for us. Thanksgiving day he came to me and said "maw maw, this is our first thanksgiving without Aunt Brinie. That makes me sad" He has always seemed to have a deep understanding of her passing. When he talks about her he always reminds me that she is an angel up in heaven now and that she's looking down on us all the time. He told me once that he talks to her sometimes. That made my heart feel good. She loved him deeply (she got very aggravated at him at times, but she loved him) and she did special things with him. I pray that when he's grown he'll still have those memories.

I think this update is long enough now :-). We do hope that you and your family have a very happy and special Christmas. I know it's a hectic time for many but try to take time to just stop and look around at your family and give God praise for having them all with you. That is the most special thing of all.

All our love,
Cathy

Thursday, November 27, 2003 5:08 AM CST

To my darling Sabrina. Happy first Thanksgiving in Heaven. Do they celebrate Thanksgiving in heaven? I would think that up there every day is Thanksgiving. Oh how beautiful the thanksgiving feast must be in heaven. I remember that this was one of your favorite holiday's. You alwasy said that it was like Christmas only without the pressure of buying gifts. Today we will sit down to our first thanksgiving meal without you. Memories will be all around us. For me sweety it's a day of very mixed feelings. I am so thankful for the time we had together. The time that I got to watch you grow up and bloom into a beautiful woman. But also I am sad and angry that that time was cut short. I know you wouldn't want me dwelling on those kinds of feelings, and I try not to but it's very hard. I will be watching especially close for signs from you today. And I will be missing you with every fiber of my being. I love you sweetheart.
Love,
Mom

Monday, November 3, 2003 3:21 AM CST

It's 3:30a.m. Monday morning and I can't sleep so I thought I would update. I have a little black dog sitting by my side thinking it's time to play (he always thinks it's time to play if I'm at the computer...no matter what time it is :-). The little black dog is Titus. He was Sam and Brinie's dog before Sabrina passed away and now he has become my little shadow. Sabrina loved him so much and treated him like he was her child. I've carried that on and he is spoiled rotten!!!

My back seems to be healing and I'm not in quite as much pain as I was. I still have pain and am SO ready to be pain free. I pray that this surgery did the trick to fix my back because I don't believe that I will ever do it again. I have slept in bed the past 2 nights and that alone is a major accomplishment. When I do get all better I'm thinking of taking on a new venture. It's a business that I can run pretty much from home. I'm not going to say what it is just yet (some of you already know) because I want to make sure it's all going to work before I start really talking about it. I only mention it to ask for prayers that this is what I'm supposed to be doing and that it works. I'm getting very excited about it.

Jim has been working relentlessly on the screen room. He's really getting along on it now and has started putting up the windows. Weather permitting he might get that part done next week and then all he will like is finishing the inside. It's going to be a very neat room and one that I think we will spend many hours in.

I'd like to ask for prayers for our neighbor Jeremy Eubank and his family. They are in the process of making a move with Jeremy (he was one of the boys that was in the bad wreck in Bernie and he suffered extreme trauma to the head and brain). I think they are very optimistic about this new hospital but it will take one or both of them farther from home and most likely for a very long period of time. Please keep them in your prayers.

That's about it from our house. Please say a prayer for Sam also. She does her first "real" teaching this week. She has to teach for 2 days at the school she has been observing at all semester. She's very nervous about it so please say a little prayer for her.

We still miss Sabrina like crazy. I still can't fathom the rest of my life without her in it and there are times when I still think she might come walking through the door at any time. She will forever be in our hearts and our world just not exactly like we wanted her to be.

Thanks for checking in.
Cathy

Wednesday, October 22, 2003 6:07 AM CDT

It's been almost a month since my last update. I don't update as often as I used to because there's just not alot new to say sometimes.

I wanted to let everyone know that my back surgery is DONE! And thanks to all of you for your prayers and support. I had it done last Tuesday and came home Friday. The pain was very intense following surgery and I'm still having pain but not like at first. When I start feeling sorry for myself I think of Sabrina and all she endured and that gives me the will and the courage to go on and endure this (which is minor compared to everything she went through). I will have to wear a back brace for at least 3 months and I have to wear a bone growth stimulator every day for 30 minutes. Not sure how long I have to do that. They replaced 2 of my disks with titatium cages and the healing process is basically the wait for that to all fuse into solid bone. I'm not allowed to do much of anything for at least a month. That will prob. be the hardest part but I'll make it and I do plan to be a good girl because I'm NOT going through this surgery again.

Other than that we are doing ok. All the stones are up at the cemetary now and so are the eternal lights. It all turned out very beautiful (just like Sabrina). It's so hard though to know that that's the last thing we get to do for her. We both still miss her more than is imaginable. It does seem to get a little easier to bear but with the holiday's coming up....well....let's just say we aren't really looking forward to them very much.

The back yard is starting to look a little bear as we have brought in everything for the winter and dug up all the bulbs and the banana tree. We have big plans for out there next year. That's why I have to be good now...so that I can dig in (literally) next spring.

Thanks for checking on us. We hope that everything is peaceful and well with you and your family.

Cathy

Thursday, September 25, 2003 10:24 AM CDT

Sabrina stone is up. Several of you who live local have been asking me when it would be up so thought I would post here that it is. The lights are not up yet and mine and Jim's stones are not up yet but her's is and it's beautiful. I'd like to say thanks to Martha, Dan and Barb for working with us on this and making it exactly what we wanted it to be. It's more than a stone. It's a tribute to Sabrina and her life. Her motto was "dare to be different" and that's what we tried to do with this stone. I believe we achieved just that as I've never seen one like it before. If you live local and get a chance go by and see it and let me know what you think.

Please say a prayer for my friend Patty and her family. Her son Sean's birthday is this Sunday. His caringbridge address is: www.caringbridge.org/nj/seanb If you have time drop them a line to let them know your thinking of them as this will be a very hard day for all of the family (I know because we just went through the same thing).

We are doing ok. Still staying busy. Jim is coming along on the screen room and I am doing my best to be patient (something I'm not very good at). It's going to be so nice and well worth waiting for.

Thanks for stopping by. I still love reading the guestbook entries.

Cathy

Tuesday, September 16, 2003 9:13 AM CDT

Happy Birthday to my precious Angel Sabrina. Happy 20th birthday sweetie. I can't imagine the kinds of parties that they have in heaven but I'm sure they are wonderful and that you are having one right now. We miss you so much every day and especially today. This is the first birthday that we don't have you hear to share it with. I miss your smile, your voice, seeing you sleeping peacefully in your bed when I get up every morning..but most of all I just miss you. There won't be a party here today, I just can't do it. Not without you here. I did get you something. I got a solar frog to put on your grave (and when I take it off it's going in the garden), 3 hearts that stick in the ground and shine in the sun, and a butterfly windchime that has very beautiful music. Jim, Sam, Mom, Dad and I are going to the cemetary today to release 20 balloons for you too. It's not much but without you here to share in this day it's all that we can handle. You are constantly on my mind but especially today. I'm so glad that last year we had that big bash for your 19th birthday. I'm so thankful for those, and all, memories that you gave me baby. Sam is here with us today. She came down just for your birthday. For me it's such a bittersweet day. It brings back memories of one of the happiest days of my life...the day you were born. And it brings reality crashing down to not have you here to sing to, bake a cake for and hug. God I miss those hugs. So for now, we will try to get through this day as best we can while you celebrate with the angels. I hope this day and all days are happy ones for you up there. If anyone deserves eternal happiness, it is you sweetheart.
Happy Birthday,
Love you forever and ever,
Mom

Thursday, September 11, 2003 4:23 AM CDT

Hello all. I'd like to start this update by asking you to pray for those families that were affected by the Sept. 11 tragedy. Their grief goes on while the rest of the world moves forward. Please take a moment to say a prayer for them.

Now,what's going on with us? We've had a busy few weeks with working on the house (does that ever end?) and company. My Aunt Paula and Uncle George were here weekend before last from Jefferson City for a Hartsfield family reunion. Also my Aunt Nell and Uncle Al from Houston came in making it the first time in a long time that all of my dad's brothers and sisters were together (no one seems to remember when the last time was). We had the reunion at our house with a big bbq and pot luck dinner. It went really well as did our time with Uncle George and Aunt Paula (they stayed with us). We didn't really get to visit all that much as things were a little hectic but it was still nice. Jim and Paula spent alot of time on the golf course while Uncle George and I snuck in a little time to discuss genealogy (a hobby of mine).

Our next company was Patty, my dear friend from NJ that I had never actually seen face to face. Patty is the mother of Sean and Sean also had rhabdo and was in treatment the entire time Sabrina was. At times it seemed they were competeing against each other on relapses. Sean was diagnosed first and relapsed right after Sabrina every time she relapsed. The kids had a little weird humor about it. For example, Sean told his mom once, when he had relapsed just after Sabrina, that he couldn't let a girl outdo him. Patty and I never dreamed that we would be where we are today (grieving parents) and three years ago we wouldn't have believed anyone who told us that our children would pass away 27 days apart. But sadly that is exactly what happened. It was SO great to finally get to meet Patty. We have spent so much time on the computer and the phone when the kids were in treatment. We've discussed everything from chemo to our jobs and somehow never seem to run out of anything to say to each other. During the 4 days she was here we spent alot of time talking about the kids and everything else. We laughed together and cried together. I showed her around southeast MO (it was fun to see it through a native New Jerseyians eyes) and the thing she found the "strangest" about it was that it was flat. We have no hills or mountains where we live. There are some not far away but none here and she just couldn't get over that. We got a laugh too the first time she heard a katydid, and saw an amarillo dead on the side of the road (she almost took a picture of it!). We had to explain what a stickerburr was to her (since they grow primarily on sand she had never seen...or felt...one) and we really enjoyed hearing each others accents. Southeast Missouri and New Jersey are very different in the way they talk. I think her two favorite words to hear were "bye" and "July". We just had the best time we could have had and really didn't do a lot other than visit. We went antique shopping a little and also to meet lots of our family and friends, and to a Mexican resturant (which she had never been to). We ate M & M's like they weren't going to make them anymore. One day our diet before supper (for the entire day) consisted of M & M's and brownies. Oh, and we played bingo too but we only donated as none of us ever actually got to yell "b i n g o". It was just a very good, relaxed 4 days spent between 2 friends that had never met but had so much in common. Donnie and Shelia came from Springfield and stayed Saturday night. We really enjoyed them too (as always :-). Patty and Shelia had also emailed some in the past so it was a treat for them to get to meet each other too. Now I want to go to New Jersey for a visit. I'm waiting till after my surgery, so not sure when but I will be going. Hopefully Sam and/or Jim can go with me (Sam really wants to) but if not then I'll go by myself.

Sabrina's birthday is in 5 days. We haven't made any plans. I think it's just to painful for any of us to think about. I do want to get 20 balloons and release them from the cemetary but that's all I know for sure for now. I still can't believe she's not here and esp for her birthday. Her stone isn't going to make it by her birthday. I was there one day this week and the front is all layed out but not sandblasted yet so I know there's no way. I was hoping it would be up but it's ok that's it's not, it'll be there for her next birthday. I still miss her more than can be imagined. I don't think that will ever stop!

I know this has been a long update but there's one more thing before I close. There was a really bad accident in our small town about 3 weeks ago. Our 17 year old neighbor in front of us remains in a coma as a result. He's getting stronger every day but just not out of the coma yet. His name is Jeremy and he needs all our prayers. So please keep that family in mind when you are praying. Also in the wreck 2 teenage boys were killed. One, Shannon, was the grandson of our neighbors behind us. The others name is Daris. Please remember these two families also as they endure the nightmare of now having to live without their children.

Thank you so much for checking on us and for continueing to sign the guestbook and pray for us.
Cathy
p.s. I forgot to add Sean's (Patty's son) carinbridge address. It's www.caringbridge.org/nj/seanb and I also forgot to tell everyone something that Patty wanted them to know. While here she met and fell in love. He's short, brown and handsome and she even slept with him! His name is Vito and he's my mini dachshund :-)

Saturday, August 23, 2003 4:40 AM CDT

Time for an update again. First and foremost I want to say thank you to all of you who took time to look at the garden pictures and respond. I was overwhelmed once again by all the responses. As I said before the garden has been a labor of love for both Jim and I this summer and it has helped us so much in the grieving process. We both still grieve (in our own ways) and will for a very long time to come. The pain is still as fresh as it was in March and sometimes I think it may even be worse than it was then but we do manage to get through every day and there are days that we laugh and enjoy things. When I have a "good" day the words that Sabrina left me with are always in my mind. She told me "mom you have to promise me that you will go on living". I'm trying sweetie.

Since the last update we have been very busy. Jim has started on the screen room. It's going to be a long and slow process as he's doing it by himself. He did have help last weekend when his brother was here from Springfield (thank you Donnie) but other than that it's going to be a one man thing so, since he still has to work, he can only work on it on weekends and after work. Those of you who know Jim know that once he starts something he goes at it will all he has but still, it will take time.

Also want to say to Donnie, Shelia, Amber and Ben...we really enjoyed having you guys last weekend. It was a very relaxing and fun weekend (well Donnie might argue with that after working for 2 days on the screen room). We had plans to bbq every night while they were here and yours truly here decided to work on the bbq grille before they came so the first night that we bbq'd (after messing with our grille for a long time) Shelia and I went to my parents to cook the meat then the next night we just brought mom and dads grille up here. Ours still isn't working. Guess I might not should go into that business huh? We have to get it fixed before next weekend as we have more company coming and more bbqing planned.

Sabrina's grave stone is in. It's not up yet but it's in. We are very pleased with how it looks and all week we've been working with Barb and Dan at Malden Marble works to get all the lettering and pictures just the way we want them. It's changed several times but I think we finally have it. I've asked if they can try to have it up by her birthday and Dan said he'd do his best but they are very far behind so I have my doubts that that will happen. That's ok though. I would rather have it done right than have him rush it through. Our stones are also in but all we are putting on them right now is our last name on the back. A part of me is ready for Sabrina's to be up but a bigger part of me is not ready to see her name "written in stone" in the cemetary. It's hard enough now with that little tiny marker out there so I can't imagine how it will be with the big one. But she deserves to have something very special and I believe this stone will be. If you want to see it now Dan has it uncrated. You can go by Malden Marble works (it's laying flat on the north side of the building). You can't miss it after you drive up close to the building because it's the only red, candle flame, shaped stone there (except for ours but they aren't uncrated yet). Also one of the eternal lights is sitting in the north window of the office. They also are very unique and beautiful. I'll post on here when it's all done for those who are interested.

I've pretty much been an emotional wreck lately (although I try not to show it) with the stone quickly becoming a reality and with her 20th birthday coming up. That day will be the second hardest day of my life. I just cannot imagine her birthday without her here to blow out the candles. I have no idea what we will do on that day (if we are able to do anything).

Sam is doing good too. She was here for almost a week and we had a really good time and a nice visit. It was just so nice having her back "home". She went back to Cape Wednesday evening as she had to go back to work Thursday. Her fall classes start Monday so who knows when we'll have a day to be together again anytime soon.

I guess that's about it for us. Oh, one more thing. I have baby frogs in my pond! That might not excite most of you but it did me. We've had tadpoles for quite a while now and we finally are seeing little bitty frogs emerge from the pond. They are the tinest things I've ever seen and are so cute (yes I said a frog was cute). Just thought I'd share that with everyone :-).

Please continue to pray for us as this journey continues. If you've never been through losing a child I can't expect you to know how it feels and hope you never have to but if you have been through it then you know exactly what I'm talking about when I say you wonder if the pain will ever end.

Thanks for checking in.
Cathy
ps Please say a prayer for Kim Hill. She is 19 years old, from this area, and has just relapsed again with lymphoma. It just breaks my heart.

Saturday, August 2, 2003 7:49 AM CDT

Hello all. Finally I am writing a long overdue update. I told myself that I would not do another update until I had pictures of the garden to put on here. Well guess what....Click on the link at the bottom of the page (that says "The Garden" and it will take you to pictures of the garden! (warning: the garden pics may take quite a while to load depending on your connection speed).

I can't believe it's already August? It's very hot and extremely humid here in Southeast MO. We went for a long time with no rain and now we have plenty with the threat of more all weekend.

Jim and I are doing ok. We are still keeping busy with our yard maintenance but have slowed down quite a bit from the pace we were keeping while getting the yard all done. We have one more project that we'd like to get done this summer (a screened in back porch) but Jim said yesterday that it might have to wait until next year. With all this rain and humid conditions he can't seem to stay off the lawn mower long enough to do anything else. We'll see and it's not a huge deal either way if it gets done this year or next.

I can't believe that Sabrina has been gone for almost 5 months now. It seems like forever since I have seen her, heard her voice and given her a hug (and I'd give anything right now for an opportunity at any one of those things) but yet time has passed quickly in some ways too. It's hard to explain. I have days that I still just can't believe she is gone. And days where my chest literally hurts from missing her and then there are days where, as long as I don't let my mind wonder, I make it ok. Her room is still pretty much like she left it with a few exceptions. I go in there every once in a while and do a few things but that usually doesn't last long. I did move her aquarium to the dining room. I felt sorry for the fish being in there all alone all the time (plus I was forgetting to feed them on some days)and I like having it where we can see them. I still can't imagine my entire life being lived without Sabrina here but somehow that's what has to happen so for now it's still one day at a time. That's really how it should be anyway since no one knows what tomorrow might bring.

Several of you have asked how my back is doing. It's about the same and I'm sure I haven't helped it alot this summer with all the yard work I've done (but that has been good for me so it's a trade off). I'm having surgery October 7th (double disk replacement) in St. Louis. I'm not looking forward to it but am looking forward to fixing the problem and hopefully not having any more back pain.

Sam is good. She has been so busy this summer with school and work. Her summer classes will be over next week and then she will have a 2 week break before fall classes start. She's taking some much needed time off work then also and planning on coming down and staying with us some. I'm looking forward to that.

Trav and Justin have been busy this summer with pee wee league baseball. Justin made the all star team and their season just ended last week. Justin will start school week after next (he'll be a big second grader). He stays with us about one night every other week and we really enjoy having him. He's all boy and full of energy though so sometimes it's hard to keep up!

Please say a prayer for my Uncle Bob. He's 83 (although he will tell you he's 81 :-) and passed out at home sometime in the night Monday night. He's in the hospital in Poplar Bluff and they still really don't know exactly what's wrong. Most of the time his mind is ok but sometimes he gets confused. He's ready to come home and they aren't letting him yet so please remember him.

Also please remember all the families that are still going through this hell called childhood cancer. I am still in touch with several families that are in treatment and they need all the prayers they can get. And especially remember us and the other angel moms and dads who struggle every day to figure out how they are supposed to go on living without their precious child.

Enjoy the pictures of the garden and let me know what you think if you have time.

Cathy

Wednesday, June 25, 2003 5:40 AM CDT

Hi everyone. Thought I would update this morning before I got started on all I want and need to do today. I realize more and more time is passing between my updates and that's because #1 I'm hardly ever on the computer (if you catn believe that) and #2 there's just not as much to update about.

I'm still working on getting pictures of our back yard on here. I can take them but none of them seem to do it justice. I'm thinking of just taking a video and making a webpage out of it (that would be Jim's job) and putting a link of that on here. So maybe that's what we'll do.

We are still working morming to night in the yard. The back yard area is actually finished but now I have been sealing the pool deck and the back yard fence and Jim has been working on a watering system for his new sod (he hasn't put in sprinklers yet...the sod came before he had it done). We spent all of last Wednesday and part of Thursday putting sod down. I'm not sure what we'd of done if my parents hadn't of come and helped. We worked 12 hours Wednesday in the rain and mud (we all looked like mud pies by the end of the day). Then Thursday after work Trav and Justin came over and helped finish what we didn't get done Wednesday. Nine pallets of sod is alot of grass! And now the project is to keep it all watered so we don't lose it. Jim will eventually put in the sprinkler system but for now he's just setting up pipes and hoses. It's working pretty good.

This coming Sunday we are having a swimming party for Justin's ball team at our house. There will be 12 6 - 8 year old boys here and most of their parents. It should be fun. Justin is very excited about it.

Sam finished her linear algebra class (made a B!!!) and has now started her 2 other summer math classes. They should be fairly easy for her as she had them both last fall but dropped out in October to come home and spend time with Sabrina. She's also working alot so we don't get to see her much. Her camping trip got rained out so she came and spent the weekend with us. That was fine with me as I love having her here! I do hate that the camping thing got canceled though since she was really looking forward to it.

Sabrina is still constantly on my mind and I miss her more than you can imagine. It hits me hard at the strangest times and is always there. I'd give anything to hold her and hear her voice just one more time. Anything! We should be hearing from the momunment people about her stone soon. Our goal is to have it up by her 20th birthday which will be in September. What a birthday present for a 20 year old huh? I struggle with all sorts of emotions daily. Some are anger, frustration, jealously, sadness, lonliness, confusion...and that's just to name a few. The only thing that helps is that I know for sure she isn't suffering anymore. Those last days play over and over in my mind and somtimes I just have to force myself to think about something else...happier times. I don't spend alot of time pondering the "what ifs" because I know that pointless and I do try hard to keep the negative emotions at bay and focus on happy times with her. It's just so hard....it's just all so hard.

All in all I think we are doing good considering everything. Of course staying as busy as possible helps and we seem to manage to do that. We are rarely in the house before 9p.m. Yesterday I spent the day taking the dogs to the vet and then giving Ceasar a bath and cutting his hair (he has to be sedated for that as he is terrified of water). That was interested. Here I am in the back yard with a 60 pound "high" dog who could hardly move giving him a bath and grooming him. Glad no one was around to watch :-).

On that note I will close. The invitation is still open to anyone who lives close to stop by and see the back year. Esp. now since we have real grass back there. That made a world of difference in how everything looks. So come on by and take a look it you want.

Thanks so much for checking in. We hope things are good for all of you.

Cathy

Thursday, June 12, 2003 5:02 AM CDT

A few of you have emailed me and reminded me that it's been a while since I updated so, since I got up at 4:30 I thought this would be a good time to do that.

Not alot going on here now. The rain seems like it's been here forever and is very depressing. I think we may get a break today but then more is supposed to start tomorrow and go through at least the weekend. That's just GREAT! I hate dreary weather like this. Just another thing that I have absolutely no control over I guess.

Mom and I went to Cape Tuesday and met Sam. We had a nice day of shopping and being together. Sam will finish her pre-session (linear algebra) class this Friday and then Tuesday her other 2 summer classes will start. She is planning on going camping (in a tent...oh how I'd love to be a fly on that camp ground ;-) and floating with friends this weekend. I hope the weather holds out for them as they have all been planning this for a very long time. I'm sure, if they get to go, I'll hear lots of stories Sunday when she gets back. For those of you who don't know Sam very well..let me just say that she's not exactly the outside, camp in a tent, kind of person. Give her a furnished cabin or motorhome with central air and she's fine but at tent.....that's why I'd love to be in the background watching. Sam if you read this you have fun baby!

The days are still hard without Sabrina. I had pictures developed last week and on the way to pick them up I got very sad thinking this would be my first roll that I knew she definately wouldn't be on. When I picked them up the very first picture was of her. It would be the last picture ever taken of her. It had to be taken in the last 2 weeks of her life as that's how long she was in the hospital bed. The picture was taken because Titus was taking a nap in her lap (it's rare for him to be still like that). It came out dark because Sabrina couldn't stand light in the room at that time but it still shows how sick and miserable she was (or maybe that's just because I know) but in it she also looks very peaceful. How I hope and pray she is at peace now. Needless to say, the picture brought tears.

Jim and I are still working in the yard quite a bit but not as much as we were. We have a new project going on now. Jim has decided to put a sprinkler system in the back yard because I decided to buy him sod for that area for Fathers Day. I realize that's an unusual gift but trust me...he's very excited about it. So now a simple "grass" Father's Day gift has turned into this huge project for him because he wants to do the sprinkler system himself. We will get done back there eventually! It's still a very peaceful place for me and I think it will always be. I already dread the winter when I can't go out there but am enjoying every day (that it doesn't rain!) that I can spend out there. I have a new project too. I went to an estate sale this past weekend and bought some antique tables (my weakness) and I have been working on refinishing a couple of them. I'll have to wait now until the rain decides to stop to get back to work on them but I'm enjoying it.

Our next hurdle to get over is the 4th of July. Not a majorly huge holiday by any means but last year on the 4th we went to the cabin that Sabrina and Shauna was sharing at the lake. Sabrina had cooked a big dinner for all of us (she made Jim do the bbqing) and had made me a patriotic birthday cake and we celebrated the 4th and my birthday over there with her. She was so happy then and so proud to be out on her own. Oh how I wish I could repeat that this year. We are probably going to Springfield for the 4th this year so maybe that'll take my mind off of what last year was like and how happy it was. I miss her SO MUCH!

On that note I will close. Thank you for checking on us and thanks to all those who sign the guestbook. That means alot to me.

Have a good week and weekend.
Cathy

Thursday, May 29, 2003 9:50 PM CDT

I didn't realize it had been so long since my last entry until just now when I was reading it. I check the webpage every day to see who has signed the guestbook (I still love reading the guestbook entries, They are comforting to me) We have finished the back yard. Well it's done until we decide to do something else. Jim doesn't have all the new grass planted but what he does have it up and looking good. He's been very busy working on the swimming pool but has finally got it fixed and running. It will be a while before anyone is swimming because it's pretty chilly but today Vito decided he'd be the first to get in. He didn't go far down the ladder until he realized how cold it was and he came right back out. I wasn't out there but Jim was and came in telling me that Vito decided to go swimming (he swims with us during the summer). This will be Titus's first summer with a pool. Sabrina had said that she couldn't wait till summer to see him in the water. Now she will have to look from heaven and I know she will be doing just that. The garden and all the other flowers look really good. I'm still going to take a picture and put it on here, hopefully soon. It is just so peaceful out there. I layed on the swing today for a couple of hours reading. There is just something about being out there that makes me feel close to Sabrina (whether I'm working or resting) and that is so comforting to me. I could live out there I think. But we do have to come in to eat from time to time. We added solar lantern lights to the pond garden. That just set it all off. If you live in the area and want to stop by and see if feel free to do so.

We made it through Memorial Day. That was a really hard day for me (and I think for Jim too). We both worked from dawn to dusk in the back yard getting it finished up (Jim working on the pool). That was our way of getting through the day. On days like that I just like to get into a project and be by myself and get through the day. We did take time out to go to the cemetary and put some vines on the shephards pole that's out there. A few other people had taken flowers and it looked very nice. It is still so hard to be there and know that she is buried under that mound of dirt. Just still doesn't seem real. And yet it is.

I've been reading books on grief and live after death. They too are comforting to me. Everyone has to do their own thing to get through something like this. One thing I have learned is that grief is a strange process. It doesn't just "end" one day and you just say "ok I'm over it...now I can get back to my life" but it comes and goes like the tide and hits you when you least expect it. While everyone else goes about their normal routine of life you are left just trying to figure out what life is all about now. Somehow though it seems that we will get through it and I think that we are maybe starting to have more good days than bad (but the bad ones still come in waves too) it just takes time. It's not something I will ever "get over" but I'm told that it's something that with time I will learn to live with.

Hope this finds everyone doing ok. Sorry this was so long. This board is sort of my sounding board and a place where I can unload a little bit. That also helps.

Thanks for checking in and if you have time please sign the guestbook as I do still very much enjoy reading the entries.
Cathy

Saturday, May 17, 2003 9:10 AM CDT

I felt like I should write something today. Maybe to clear my own mind or just say out loud some of the things that are swimming through my head. It's been 2 months today since my angel Sabrina left this world for her heavenly home. 2 months..... I have never gone this long without seeing her, talking to her, hugging her, kissing her, arguing with her (had to throw that one in :-), touching her and all the things that take place on a daily basis that most people take for granted. How could she be here just 2 months ago and not here now? How is it that she can really not ever be coming back and that I have to wait until I make that passage to heaven to actually lay eyes on her again? How can it be that Sam now has no sister to confide in, live with, share things with and grow old with? How can it be that Justin will only have the memories that we share with him of his Aunt Brinie? She was, in some ways, the center of all our worlds and now she's not here? I say she's not here, that's not entirely true. As long as her memory is with us she is always here. She lives in each of our hearts and always will. Memories can be a really good thing but they are just a substitute for the thing you are longing for. In a book I've been reading it compares memories to butter and margarine. The real thing is butter but when you don't have butter anymore you have to settle for margarine or just have dry toast. I'll take the margarine as opposed to the dry toast but I'd much prefer the butter as would anyone in my situation.

Most days are bearable for us. I'm not sure what today is going to be. Hopefully quiet and still and full of memories.

To my dear Sabrina, I still love you more than I ever thought it imagineable to love anyone. You were my daughter, my teacher (you taught me so many things that I will never ever forget), my best friend and my baby, all wrapped up into one. Your not being here is just the hardest thing to take sometimes. I know you are happy in heaven and I'm so thankful for that but I miss you with ever fiber of my being as do Jim, Sam, Trav, MeeMaw and Papa. There is a hole in our lives that nothing can ever patch but within that hole are the memories you left us. And the strength that we all gained from you, from your strength is what will allow us to go on and to be happy again. Your love of life is what I hold on to when I am down and your smile is what I see when I cry. We love you so much. We loved you when you were here, when you left and will always love you no matter what. I am thankful for the signs you have sent to let me know you are ok. I knew you were, but those signs just mean the world to me. Keep em coming baby.
With all my love,
Mom

Monday, May 12, 2003 7:02 AM CDT

I made it through Mothers Day. That was my only goal and I did it. It was a sad/happy day for me as I'm sure some of you know. I missed Sabrina terribly but I do that every day...it just seemed a little deeper yesterday. I had Sam, Trav, Jim and my parents though to make my day happy. We bbq'd at mom and dads and set up her angel fountain that we got her. Then we came home and while Jim took a nap Sam and I went to the greenhouse. Of coure I came out with more plants (I swear I should build my own greenhouse). I got some to hang in the back yard and to sit on the patio adn isn't built yet (but will be soon). For mothers day Jim and my mom got me a swing and a glider to sit out by the garden so we are going to build a brick patio for those to sit on. I added more flowers to the garden. I decided it wasn't colorful enough so added colorful flowers and it looks so much better. And also added a banana tree to back yard (one of our renters that moved left it so Sam and I went and dug it up yesterday). After all the yard work was done we just chilled in the back yard and watched the dogs play.

Sam and I went to the cemetary yesterday too. It made me very angry that that's where I had to visit my daughter, part of what made me a mother, in that place. I am so thankful for the knowledge that that is only her earthly body there and not actually her and that I know she is safe in heaven waiting for me. No signs that I saw yesterday that I saw but that's ok. I know she's near even when I don't get a sign.

To all the moms out there...I hope you had a good and happy mothers day. And to the angel moms I hope you that you, like I, managed to get through it with some happy moments along with the sad ones.

Cathy
"DEATH LEAVES A HEARTACHE NO ONE CAN HEAL,
LOVE LEAVES A MEMORY NO ONE CAN STEAL"

Monday, May 5, 2003 10:30 PM CDT

Hope this finds all of you enjoying Spring.  We've already done enough yard work to last us through summer!  And we aren't done.  Jim has now decided that if we are going to have the memorial garden/pond in the back yard that we need real grass (instead of just really green weeds).  So he is now on a mission to, piece by piece, till up the back yard, kill everything in that spot and then plant grass.  By fall it might look pretty nice.  I'm so happy with the garden.  We are going to get some yard furniture and put out there by it so we can just sit and enjoy.  I added 4 gold fish to the pond this week.  They are still alive so I guess that's a good thing.  Now I have to get some water plants and put in there and the pond will be done.  I'm anxious for all my bulbs to come up and the flowers to grow.....all in due time.

Each day is a new challenge.  It's been 7 weeks now (today) and it's not any easier than it was 6 or 7 weeks ago.  It's different now but not easier.  I think I'm still in the mode of "I just can't believe that she's not coming back".  That is starting to wear off though and realiy is seeping through.  While I know that heaven is a beautiful place and that she most likely wouldn't come back even if given the choice I can't help but think how unfair the whole thing is.  I don't wallow in self-pity (well I try not to anyway) but it's hard not to have feelings like that.   It's hard not to question God and not to be mad at him for taking her away from us. I realize that He knows what is best and that somehow this all fits into His master plan but I still just do not get it and master plan or not..the pain is still there and still very intense. Some days I feel like I'm just drifting through a fog of some sort and occassionally I am allowed a glimpse of the sunshine through the fog. I try so hard every day to live it like Sabrina would want me to. I ask myself, what would she be doing if it were me that died? But that's different. We were so close but it's a natural thing for a child to bury a parent.....still I think she would be going on, moving forward and trying to be happy. So that's what I strive for. Some days it works better than others. I think the fact that Mothers Day is coming up has me a little more depressed or down or whatever. It's just going to be so strange as a "mother" to not have all my children here, physically with me. I pray hard for a sign from Sabrina on that day. Thankfully Sam is off work that day and gets to spend the day here. And we will be with my mom so we'll all be together but it won't be the same for any of us. A part of me would be fine with just skipping it.

Jim and I have been staying busy as usual. I had an xray last week and I am pnuemonia free. Along with yard work (which is ongoing) we have been ebaying some too. I was into that a few years ago and loved it. I don't quite have the passion for it that I did then but it's still fun. It's alot of work but fun (esp. when something sells). We've also been busy with the rent property. Seems like there is always something but that's to be expected I guess. I have no regrets about getting into the rental business. It drives me nuts sometimes but still no regrets.

Please say a prayer for Travis. He was playing softball Saturday night and slammed his back and hip into a pole while running full force after a fly ball. He went to the ER and had a xray and nothing is broken but he's in alot of pain and is very bruised, swollen and stiff. I had to drive him around today to get groceries (it really hurts him to drive) and his pain meds filled. Made him ride along with me while I showed apartments too. I think he will be ok but he still needs your prayers. We got to keep Justin Sat. night all night while Trav went and got xrays. That was nice but would have been better under different circumstances. Justin is just getting so big now. He's 7 and he's so cute (mean but cute). He's also very smart...sometimes to smart for his own good. He loves being out here and helping his papa work out in the yard (but only if the work involves getting to drive the lawnmower).

Many of you remember my friend Annie who make the candles for kids. I mentioned a while back that her daughter Erin had relapsed. If you get a chance stop by and visit her webpage @ www.caringbridge.com/nh/erinsstory and sign her guestbook. Also her business is open again. She's not making or selling jar candles but has tarts and lots of other really nice items that aren't made by her but are very nice all the same.

I will close now. I hope everyone has a good week. Please continue to pray for peace for our family.
Cathy

Sunday, April 27, 2003 7:45 AM CDT

I thought it was probably time for an update. Several of you have mentioned the poem I wrote on Easter. I got up that morning with so many thoughts and emotions jumbled up inside my head and that poem was the result.

We are doing ok I guess. Trying to stay busy but ok. I think my pneumonia is pretty much gone. I still don't have alot of energy and I'm not sure if it's from that or just life in general or a combination of both. I'm supposed to go to the Dr. this week and have a check up to see if it's all gone. I know it's better but not sure if it's gone. My back is still giving me fits. The mylogram made it worse and I don't think I'm quite over that. Either that or I've aggravated it with working in the yard. It's bearable though so I'll be ok.

We got the garden done! It looks very nice. I'm going to try to take a picture and put it on here for everyone to see. I might wait a few weeks though and let all the flowers grow and bulbs come up. Yesterday we had a dove sitting on the top level of it. She was just sitting there like she owned it. It didn't even bother her if we got close to her (Jim took a picture). Maybe that was a sign from Sabrina. She always loved doves and almost got one as a pet when she bought the love bird. I hope it comes back to see us.

Sam is doing good and enjoying being back in Cape with her friends. I'd like to ask for prayer for one of her friends at work. Her name is Martha. She's about 70 years old and they just found out she has colon cancer. She has taken Sam and some of the other young girls under her wing and they have become very close. It just seems like everywhere you turn cancer is there. Please pray for Martha.

Thank you for stopping by and checking on us. We are still living one day at a time and some days are better than others. The hole in our lives is still there and I suppose always will be. I'm going to try to add some new pictures soon and hopefully one will be of the garden.

Cathy

Sunday, April 20, 2003 8:39 AM CDT

Can it be Easter already? 
What should I do....
The problem is this, since you were born
I've never had an Easter without you.

Will I go to church on this Holy day,
And pretend things are alright?
Or will I show my heart break and tears
because you are out of my sight?

Out of sight but never out of mind
I think of you twenty four / seven
What are you doing now
Since you've made that journey to heaven?

What is Easter like up there
Is it grand and full of love?
Oh how I hope it is and how I hope that
You're happy in your new home above.

We miss you here so very very much
Sometimes I don't know if I can do this
it's so hard to get through each day
without you my child, to hug and kiss.

You made me promise to you
that I would go on living after you were gone
That's been the hardest thing to do
because this heart break is just so strong

I can't wait to come see you when it's my time
It seems like forever since I saw your face
but I have to stay here now as there are others that need me
but I'll always miss your loving embrace

I'll miss you now and forever
but hopefully time will heal some of this hurt
and I can have happy memories to cling to
until God calls me too, to leave this earth.

Until that time, you take care and be happy,
Let me know you're ok if you can.
Just a small sign every once in a while will do.... and may
Peace be with you my dear Sabrina, until we meet again.

Friday, April 18, 2003 1:23 PM CDT

It's almost Easter. The official "spring" holiday. Of course Easter has quite another meaning but I've never thought it to be coincidence that the resurrection of Christ coinsided with the wake of nature each year. I remember when Sabrina passed away, I was sitting on the deck and the pear trees were about to bloom. I didn't want them to bloom. I wanted to skip that part this year because that was just to beautiful and happy to be happening right then. About a week later they were in full bloom. Then I remembered Sabrina telling me more than once "look at those tree's mom.....they are just so beautiful" and I agreed. They truly are beautiful. That was also my first real sign that no matter what happens, life goes on, trees bloom every year no matter what, the grass (or weeds) turn green every year no matter what, people go about their daily tasks no matter what. Life goes on...even if sometimes you'd rather it just sit still for a while.

Like life we are trying to go on. We've been working and working and working in our yard and house and at the shop (well Jim's at the shop alot anyway). I think maybe I've been overdoing it a little too much (but no more than Jim??) because last night we ended up in the ER. I was having a stabbing pain in my right chest and back area. It was pretty severe. Turns out I have bacterial pneumonia. Yea me. I have no idea how they know it was bacterial as opposed to what ever other kind it could be but that was the dx. So, whether I want to or not...today I am taking it easy and pretty much just laying around. I still have a cake to decorate but I can do that in small spurts and have it done by tomorrow. I don't have a fever so far today (I only sweated a couple of gallons out last night) and I'm hoping I don't have one tomorrow so that I can go to the party. My pain is better today (nighttime will tell the true story on that) but all in all I think I will be fine. Just need to slow down a bit and let my body heal.

Jim has started on the garden. It doesn't look like much yet but at least it's started. I've still got a few flowers to plant out front but it'll be there when I feel better. I've got the biggest part of it done. Slowly but surely it'll all come together.

We are having Easter dinner with one of my cousins and her family (if I'm up to going) and I'm looking forward to that because Trav and Justin get to go and it'll be the first time in about 3 years that we've got to watch Justin hunt Easter eggs. Hopefully I'll be feeling alot better by then and will be able to go and enjoy it. It'll be hard without Sabrina there, she would have really enjoyed hiding eggs for Justin, Dawson and Dakota (she was such a little kid at heart :-).....she just loved little kids. Sam doesn't get to come either because she has to work. She's going to church with her best friends boyfriend on Sunday in Jackson and I'm glad she at least gets to do that. I know she'd rather be with us watching the kids hunt eggs.

I think that's about it from here. If you have time, say a little prayer for me that the medicine clears this up and that it doesn't turn into anythign else and doesn't last long.

Cathy

Monday, April 14, 2003 8:22 PM CDT

Thought I would do a short update and just let everyone know we are still here and doing as ok as we can. We spent the weekend with Sam and worked on her backyard all day Saturday. It looks very nice now and the whole thing is mulched so there shouldn't be a need for weekeating back there anymore. I think Sabrina would have been proud of it. She wanted to do that this year. She and Sam both wanted some color out there as the whole thing was just green plants that don't bloom. We planted a variety of flowers that will provide an array of color. It has a frog statue in the middle and butterflies on each side. Sam was very happy with it and proud of it.

We got home Sunday and immediately started working in our own yard. We were both so sore that it hurt to move but we did it anyway. My back has been screaming at me the past 2 days but I figure it's going to hurt no matter what I do so I might as well be doing what I enjoy. As I've said before, this is good therapy for me. We just came in from working out there tonight. We don't have our back yard garden started yet as we've been busy cleaning out the weeds from the front and planting and mulching trees and stuff like that. Maybe by the weekend (if it doesn't rain) we'll be able to work out there some.

Today is 4 weeks since the last time I saw Sabrina....the day I had to say goodbye. She's everywhere I look and in most of my thoughts. It brings me comfort to remember things about her but it still hurts so bad to know that she's not coming back. I miss her more than I ever imagined anyone could be missed. I wonder things like did I tell her I loved her enough and can she see us now and had cancer never entered our lives what would she be doing now. So many thoughts......more than my mind can process sometimes.

Sabrina if you can see me now or if you know things that are going on here just know this....I miss you with all my heart and I love you now and forever.

Sunday, April 13, 2003 4:23 PM CDT

I will post about our weekend later. Today I just want to ask for prayers of peace and strength Sean Boyle's family. At 3:00 this morning Sean earned his angel wings and joined Sabrina in heaven.

Please take a moment to say a prayer for this family.

:*(
Cathy

Thursday, April 10, 2003 8:57 PM CDT

Today was a very beautiful day here. So sunny and bright. The weather has been so gloomy and when the weather is gloomy so am I. It was nice to get outside again today. I probably did more than I should with my back like it is but I'll get over it.

Sam left today for Cape. She had her car packed full and we are taking more when we go either tomorrow or Saturday. I think we've about decided to go tomorrow so we can spend the day Saturday working on her back yard. We need to be working on ours but it'll get done. I guess while we are there we will pack up some of Sabrina's things and bring them home. I think that will be hard. Anytime I mess with anything that was hers I feel like I'm snooping or intruding on her privacy or something. But I know that she wouldn't just want her stuff to sit forever. We will most likely leave her room pretty much the same for quite a while as I just can't bring myself to do anything in there. There's no rush anyway.

Sabrina is never far from my mind. No matter where I am or what I am doing she's there. Reality has slapped me in the face pretty hard a few times this week but somehow I got through it as I suppose I always will. And it's not just me struggling with this. It's all of us that were closest to Sabrina. There is just such a hole without her here. Thank God she made me make that promise....because when I think I can't bear it anymore those words come clearly into my mind and the look on her face when she said them. She had to make sure that I would be ok (and I don't think she meant just me...but our whole family) before she could even thinking about going on to be with God. What a special person she was.

Ok, I wanted to keep this upbeat. As you can see I use this journal as a venting tool sometimes. We have a busy weekend planned this weekend (Saturday at Sam's and Sunday working here after we get home) and then again next weekend. Justin will have his 7th birthday party next weekend. Where did the time go with him? He's supposed to still be little (as in 2 or 3). He's so big now! Today he was here with us and was helping his papa plant trees (several times I heard papa say...Justin bring the wheelbarrow back over here :-) and then he got to drive the lawnmower around in the yard. I picked up stuff for his party today and for Easter. I wish Sabrina could have been here for it. She was with me when I bought the Spongebob cake pan and thought it was so cool! I know she'll be there in spirit though. Justin still talks about her alot and tonight when he was praying before dinner he said "and God, tell Aunt Brinie hi for me"..... oh to be a child again.

Well I think I have drug this out long enough. Please pray for the Rainey family (one of my online support group families). They lost their young son Eric today to the same beastly disease that took our sweet Sabrina. I think he was 9. Why God? Why???
And also please still remember the Boyle family. Sean's condition has gotten a little worse but they are still blessed to have him here and not in alot of pain.

And if you have any prayers left after that please remember me, Jim, Sam, Trav, Justin, my parents and Liz. We still need all the prayers we can get and most likely will for a long time to come.

Thank you for checking on us.
Cathy

Monday, April 7, 2003 7:31 PM CDT

It's been 3 weeks today. It seems like a lifetime. I would give anything to hear her voice again. Or give her a big hug or see her smile. I'm so thankful that I was a picture nut. I have so many pictures. I haven't been able to bring myself to look at alot of them yet but the ones I have brought out have brought a smile and sometimes a tear. I went to the cemetary today (me and Vito). It just looks so bear. I'll be glad when her stone is there and I have something to decorate. I might get a shephards pole till then just so I can keep flowers out there. There are still a few silk ones from the funeral so at least it's not completely bare.

Jim, Sam and I went to Lowes this weekend to get stuff to start the garden. Jim bought a pond kit. I'm proud of him...he kept it fairly small. We bought some trees and flowers and bulbs. We won't get anything else until he has the pond done and we plant what we have. I'm ready to get it started and done with flowers blooming and water running.

Sam is working this week at Bernie school subing. She worked one day last week and will work four days this week then Friday she'll head back to Cape and Saturday she starts back at Walmart. She's anxious to get back up there. It's where all her friends are and where she needs to be right now. I'll miss her being here but it's time for her to move forward. She has registered for her summer and fall classes now and will start back in May. She's going to be very busy with work and school but that's how she likes it.

If you've checked Sean's webpage lately you know that he got married this weekend. If you haven't checked it you should. It was a very bittersweet day for the whole family.
I'm very happy for him. Please remember them in your prayers along with all the families that are still going through this hell called childhood cancer. There are just so many....to many....it shouldn't be like this.

Thank you for checking on us. We are putting one foot in front of the other and getting through each day the best we can. Please continue to pray for strength and peace for our family.

Cathy

Friday, April 4, 2003 10:47 AM CST

I want you all to know that I think you are great! I checked Sean's guestbook today and there are so many entries from our friends and relatives. I know that will mean the world to Patty when she has a chance to check it. Thank you.

We are doing ok I guess. Still one day or one hour at a time but we are making it. There are so many memories that are constantly running through my mind. It's still hard to imagine that Sabrina's not just gone for a little while and that she's not gong to come walking through the door any minute. But reality sets in and I know that's not going to happen. It does help knowing that I will someday see her again but it still hurts not to have her here now. I want to honor her memory in positive ways and always keep it alive. I want people to always remember what a special person she was and I believe they will. When I think of how many lives she touched I am honored and in awe.

I know some of you are wondering how my back Dr. appt went. He did a diskogram and right now I feel like he slammed me in the back with a baseball bat! Hopefully that will only last for a few days though. Long story short I need to have disk replacement surgery for 2 disks. He and I talked about it and decided that if I can stand it the surgery can be put off a while to allow me to heal more emotionally. This is a big surgery and will come with alot of down time (something I am NOT good at) and right now just doesn't seem like the right time for me to be confined. I think I would go more nuts than I already am! So the tenative plan is to try to put it off till the end of summer. That way I can have my outdoor "therapy" and some healing time (I will never be completely "healed" from the pain of losing my daughter) and not be layed up till cold weather starts. If at any time I feel like I can't stand it and need it done sooner he assured me that he would get me right in to do it. Oh and until surgery time I have this lovely, fashionable (not) back brace to wear that will help me keep my spine straight. It's really big but it does work so I guess I'll wear it.

Jim and I are getting geared up to start making our new garden. And to help Sam get her back yard all planted and pretty. Hopefully this back pain will ease up and go back to being just normal pain that I'm used to and I'll be able to get out there and get my hands dirty.

Thanks so much for taking the time to check on us and for all your continued prayers. Please remember the Boyle family (Sean's family) as they try to get through each day.

Cathy

Tuesday, April 1, 2003 10:19 PM CST

I am posting to ask for some major prayers for our dear friends Patty and Sean. I have mentioned them on here several times. Sabrina and Sean have been mirror medical cases for the past 2 years. I was hoping that would change now but it's not. I know alot of prayer warriors check in here regularly so please please pray for this family.

Today Sean had scans and they got the news that every parent of a child with cancer fears the most. The tumor is all around Sean's heart and the Dr.'s have given him 2 days to 2 weeks to live. I realize they aren't God and can't put a time on a life but this is very very serious and this family has just entered that place where no family should have to be. This is just breaking my heart. I feel so close to them and this is still all so fresh in our lives right now.

If you'd like to visit Sean's webpage the address is www.caringbridge.com/nj/seanb Please sign their guestbook if you go there. I remember days (and I still have them) when those guestbook entries were one of my few bright spots.

Tomorrow Jim and I are going to St. Louis. I have an appt. with a back Dr. there. I am finally going to see about getting something down. Sometimes my back pain seems to trivial in comparison to other things or other peoples pain (like Sabrina and Seans) but it's time to do something about it.

It's late and I am tired so I will close. I just mainly wanted to ask for prayers for Patty, Mike, SEAN, Colleen, Kelly and Ryan (and the rest of their family).
Thanks for checking in.
Cathy

Monday, March 31, 2003 8:06 AM CST

It has been 2 weeks today since our sweet daughter became and angel. It seems like so long ago since I last saw her and yet it was only 2 weeks.

We had a bitter/sweet weekend. We went out of town, to Donnie and Shelia's, for the weekend. It was nice to get away but at the same time it was very hard to leave. I know it was good for us though. Sam, Amber, Shelia and I all went shopping Saturday. Everywhere I looked I saw things that I knew Sabrina would have loved and sometimes I would think "I'm going to get that for her" and then I would remember..... that was so hard! Sam said she was thinking the same thing alot of the time. We still enjoyed it though. And if you see Sam ask her how it went purse shopping with me :-).

Jim and I are ready to get started on our new flower garden. I guess for us it will be a sort of memorial garden for Sabrina. We plan to put angels in it and frogs and other things. I bought a few things for it this weekend. Jim is comtemplating putting a small pond in it. Course with Jim nothing he does ever turns out small so if he does it we may be able to fish out of it when he gets done.
At any rate we are both ready to get it done and see it in bloom.

We finally got all the details worked out on Sabrina stone. I think I mentioned before that we are putting ours up at the same time (Sam is having problems with that) so it took a little longer to get it all figured out. We will get it ordered today. It will be a few months before it is in and ready to put up. I hope it's done by or before Sabrina's birthday. I want it up and I don't. I don't like not having one out there but I also think that it might be hard to actually see her name in big letters on such a permanent thing. Still though we want it done and today we will be one step closer.

Sam is going this week to sign up for summer classes. She's got some catching up to do and will graduate later than planned now but that's ok. She has no regrets about the year she took off. It allowed her time that should wouldn't have otherwise had with Sabrina. She is going back to work weekend after next (the 12th). For me it will be strange not having her here but I'll adjust. I'll prob. make several trips to Cape for quite a while! And she'll be here alot when she's not working (I think).

Thanks to all of you who have donated to Sabrina's scholarship fund and to different organizations in her memory. That means so much to us.

Thanks for checking on us too and for your continued prayers. We still need alot of prayers as this seems to get harder and harder. I've heard from other parents who have lost a child that with time you learn to deal with it differently but right now it's just so fresh and raw and it just hurts! I keep expecting her to come bounding through the door anytime and that's not going to happen. Like I said...we still need your prayers.

Love and Hugs to all,
Cathy

ps some of you have asked me about Annie's daugher Erin (the candle lady). Annie now has a website for Erin. The address is www.caringbridge.com/nh/erinsstory

Thursday, March 27, 2003 9:36 AM CST

10 days. That's how long it's been now. Will I ever stop counting the days? Each day brings it's own challenge of getting through it. There are still tears and I suspect that will be the case for a very long time. But there are good moments too. Moments when I know somehow we will be ok. Never whole again, never the same again but ok. There have been little things that have happened that I feel are signs from Sabrina. Some of you may not believe in that (it's your choice) but I do. I pray every night for a sign that she is ok and I believe we have had at least two and maybe more. I won't go into detail about them but both times it was something that only Jim and I heard (and the first time we had a house full of people) and both times it was unexplainable. Sabrina always told me that if she went before me she would visit me (she said it would be in the form of an orange butterfly) and I think she has done just that.

On to something else.... Sam went to Cape yesterday. I think she was going stir crazy here and needed to get out and that's fine. She and her friend Hillary spent the night at the Cape house. There are so many reminders of Sabrina there. Sam said it wasn't as hard as she thought it would be. I hope that someday all those things that are just so Sabrina will be a comfort to her as they are to me.

Not alot happening other that we are just trying to get through each day and honor Sabrina's memory as best we can. I think she would like the scholarship thing and after meeting with the counselor yesterday we know that it will happen this year. I'm really glad of that.

Thanks to all of you who still check in. It means so much to know you care.

I'd like to close with a little poem that was on the heavenly lights newletter and seems to be so fitting right now....


Our joys will be greater,
Our love will be deeper,
Our lives will be fuller,
Because we shared her life

Cathy

ps I forgot to say that I added a link at the bottom to the heavenly lights home page. I have put a star on there for Sabrina so if you get a chance check it out. This is a very nice thing that someone has done to honor our kids who have become angels.

Tuesday, March 25, 2003 8:52 AM CST

I really don't have alot to say today but did want to let everyone know that I got the scholarship fund account set up yesterday. It's a the First National Bank and donations can be made at the Malden or Dexter branches. They can also be mailed to either bank. We have decided for now to limit the scholarship award to a Bernie student but later may open it to other schools. Sam and I are supposed to meet with the school counselor today or tomorrow and set the criteria. If we get that all done this week then we should be able to award it this year.

Yesterday was a decent day I guess. It was good in that I managed to make myself get out and do things and it actually felt kind of good to get out. My energy level isn't the greatest right now though and it seems like everything just wears me out. It was hard in that the fact that it had been one whole week was looming over my head and in my mind all day. I miss her more and more each day and have to hold on to the promise of God first that I will see her again and my promise to her second that I will not quit living. I'm actually glad she made me say that out loud.

I've had some sort of bug or something and have felt like crap that past few nights. I don't know if it's just stress and grief or if something is really wrong. I'll give it a few more days and see what happens.

I guess that's about it for now. Except....Sabrina, if you can hear me or read this, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND MISS YOU SO BADLY.

Cathy

Monday, March 24, 2003 7:18 AM CST

It's been one week today since we said goodbye. One short/long week. In some ways it seems like yesterday and in others like a lifetime since I got to tell her that I love her.

At least spring seems to be here now. We got out yesterday and worked in the yard. That has always been good therapy for me and while every muscle in my body is aching this morning, yesterday was no exception. I have to take things a little slow (something I'm not good at) because of my back but it still just felt so good to be out there cleaning the yard and digging and working in the soil. The girls used to make fun of me because I was so picky about my yard but then after they got their own house that changed. Sabrina wanted so badly to fix up their patio garden at the Cape house. She had already started on it last fall and had lots of plans for it this year. Sam is now very excited to get it done. I never thought I'd see Sam want to work in the yard but she's really anxious to get their back yard all fixed up. She plans to incorporate some of the angels that we got in memory of Sabrina into the garden. Actually Jim and I are going to do that too. We are going to make a special flower garden and put angels in it.

We have decided to start a scholarship fund in memory of Sabrina. We weren't sure about it until a few days ago but are now and today I plan to set up the account. If you are interested in contributing to it let me know and I'll give you all the info. I know it's going to be at First National Bank and will post the rest of the info after we get it set up. Also some of you have asked me for the address to the Cape Humane Society (where Sabrina volunteered). I know a few of you said you'd like to send a donation there. The address is: Humane Society of Southeast Missouri, 2536 Boutin Dr., Cape Girardeau, MO 63701. And of course there is still the Children's Inn where donations can be made in Sabrina's memory. I will have donation envelopes this week for them if anyone needs one.

We have picked out Sabrina's head stone. It is very unusual and very neat looking. Sabrina always wanted to be a little (and sometimes alot) different than everyone else so it has been our "mission" to find a very unique stone and I think we have accomplished just that. The stone itself is sort of candle flame shaped and will be Indian Red (it literally will come from India). We will be setting our stones at the same time on each side of her. Hers will be a few inches taller than ours so that it stands out. We made the decision to put her inbetween us as soon as we bought the plots. On each side of her stone there will be an eternal light that is shaped like the stone. These are solar powered and should be very low maintanence. We haven't actually seen them set up anywhere but found them on the internet and thought they were very neat. Then on each end there will be a vase. We aren't allowed to plant anything around the stone so we wanted vases for flowers. It will take a while to get all this done but hopefully by late summer or early fall it will all be in place.

I guess now I will need to think about getting my back actually fixed. Sabrina always worried about my back (again...can you imagine that she was worried about me??) and Jim says that I can't put it off any longer. If anyone knows a good back doctor please let me know. I liked the one I was seeing but a few weeks ago he moved to St. Louis and I'm not sure if I liked him well enough to follow him there. I might have to though. I was thinking about going to Memphis but then realized that I'm not sure if our health insurance will cover out of state doctors. At any rate I know I do need to get it done so I'm going to work on that now too.

I'd like to ask a favor of some of you. Right now I am struggling so much with my memories of Sabrina. I do have so many good ones and sometimes they will just pop in my head and make me smile but I also have those dark ones of the last weeks and days that she suffered so much. I will never ever understand why she had to suffer like that. My favor is that you would share your happy memories of Sabrina with me. Just anything that she said or did that makes you smile when you think of it. You can post it to the guestbook or email it to me. It's not that I don't have a lifetime full of good memories of her....it's just that I need to get those dark ones out of my mind. Something I may never be able to do but hopefully I can at least shove them to the back soon.

Thank you for checking in. We are still overwhelmed at the love and support we feel coming from everyone (even total strangers!) and we appreciate that so much.


Cathy

Sunday, March 23, 2003 7:09 AM CST

Before I get into things about us I need to ask for some major prayers for a family that is very near and dear to me.
Annie who makes the candles for kids has had to close her candle business because her sweet little daughter Erin has relapsed with leukemia. Erin was almost a year off treatment and things were going so well...... Please say a special prayer for them as they start this horrible journey all over again.

In my last update I promised to share some things that Sabrina had said to me before she passed from this world to the next. All day yesterday I thought about it and those words flowed through my mind....so maybe that's a sign that I am really supposed to share them. A few days before she passed she and I were alone in the house and were talking. She asked me to promise her 2 things....one was that after she was gone I would go on living (those are the words that are in my mind constantly now). I told her it would be very hard but that I would...mostly because I would have no choice. She was always so worried about me. Can you imagine that?? SHE worried about ME. The other thing she made me promise was that I would not abandon God. I told her that I couldn't do that if I wanted because I'd be afraid that if I did I wouldn't ever get to see her again. I also told her that I couldn't promise I wouldn't be a little mad at him for a while but that I would never abandon him. That was one of the hardest conversations I ever had to have.

At 2:30a.m. on Monday morning Jim and I were both at her bedside and she whispered to us (whispering was all she could do at that point)and said "I don't get to stay here with you guys much longer" I asked her if someone had told her that and her answer was "yes" then I asked her if that made her happy and her answer once again was "yes". That last answer came quickly and without reservation and for some reason brought me peace. I knew then that a higher power was reaching out for her and she was communicating directly with it. Shortly after that she awoke again and was very aggitated and said "Get them out!" I asked who and she said "the birds". I asked did she want her bird (she has a pet love bird) and she got angry because I didn't understand and said "no, get the birds out of here!" and I said "there are birds in here?" and she said "please get them out..." So I opened the door behind her head and then closed it loudly and told her they were gone. She said "ok" and was peaceful again. A little while later she opened her eyes....it was very evident that she didn't see me or anything else physical in the room. I had been singing Amazing Grace very softly to her. When she opened her eyes they were fixed on something and I asked her what she saw. I didn't get an answer so I asked her if she saw her angel and I got one weak, affirming nod. That was at about 3:30 and it was the last communication we had together.

I hesitated in sharing these last hours with everyone because they seem, in a way, so private and personal. But then, in another way, they are so amazing and such a testimony that I didn't think it was fair to not share them. I have no idea what the bird thing was about but have no doubt what the rest of it was about.

There's an old song and I think the title is "There's something about that Name". Within the song there is a narative and while I can't remember all of it there is one line that went through my mind so many times as I sat beside my angels side those last few days. That line says "I sat beside a dying Saint...her body wracked with pain......" That's exactly what all of us were doing...sitting beside a Saint.

Friday, March 21, 2003 7:01 AM CST

I have decided to keep this webpage going for at least a little while. To let it go now too would be like letting another part of Sabrina go and I'm not ready for that.

I am once again overwhelmed by the outpouring of love we have seen this week. For those of you who weren't able to be at Sabrina's service I'd like to tell you about it if I can do it justice at all. There were so many people at the visitation (or viewing as some of you call it). I haven't counted names in the book yet but I was told at times that the line was out the door and down the sidewalk. I would estimate 500 - 700 people. I was so touched by the outpouring of love...I can't even describe how it felt. It was very hard to see her laying there in body but also comforting to know that it was only her body and that her spirit is now soaring with the angels and that she won't have to endure any more pain or chemo or scans or disappointments or any of those things that she had so graciously endured over the past 4 years and 7 months. She looked so beautiful....just like an angel. There were so many flowers and plants and pictures and angels.... But the one that I liked best was the angel wings that were attached just above her. The wings were hers from a halloween costume that she had. She loved those wings and wore them several times to different costume events. She carried them in her truck hanging in the back window (where they will be again very soon). Trav and Sam had flowers put on the wings with a ribbon that said sister. I know she was looking down and smiling because her wings were there. So many people said to me...."she doesn't need those any more...she has real ones now."

The service on Wednesday was so beautiful and so hard to get through. Knowing that that would be the last time I would see her face (before I see her in heaven) was just almost to much to endure. It was a tribute to her life though...just as I wanted it to be. Sabrina had told Samantha what music she wanted and the songs she picked were the best that could have been. The first was a song by Creed and I'll have to post the title later because right now I can only remember the words. It was beautiful though and so appropriate. The next was Amazing Grace(Sabrina's favorite gospel song). My cousin Ande sang it and did a beautiful job. Sabrina always loved to hear Ande sing and esp. that song. The last song (and possibly the most appropriate and hardest to hear) was "Wind Beneath My Wings" by Bette Midler. Every word of that song fit my precious angel. She is my hero and the wind beneath my wings! Bro. Jim and Bro Charlie did such a wonderful job. I know it was hard on both of them as they too loved our dear sweet Sabrina. Bro. Jim read the poem called "A child loaned" (I will post it on here at another time) and delivered the eulogy and Bro. Charlie did the message. Bro. Charlie and I had spoken about how Sabrina would want this to be and he did an excellent job in honoring our sweetheart. Many many tears were shed but when he said "If there's a volleyball in heaven......" a smile came to many faces as we all invisioned Sabrina doing one of the things that she loved to do in this life and that came as natural as eating to her. Thank you Bro. Jim and Bro. Charlie.

At the cemetary we released 19 orange balloons. Orange was Sabrina's favorite color and I'm glad because it's such a bright happy color. The wind was perfect and helped the balloons to soar into the sky and out of sight. They soared just like my baby had done a few days before, toward the heavens.

I haven't even begun to do the services justice with my description but if you weren't there maybe this has painted you a picture. I wanted it to be a celebration of her life and I believe it was just that.

Now the hard part.....what do we do now. I feel so honored to have gotten to be her mom and I feel so lost without her. I truly don't know what I'm supposed to be doing anymore. Things just seem so unimportant and trivial now. Her memory is everywhere (which is how I want it and I know that in time that will bring me so much peace) and right now that is a constant reminder that while I live here on this earth I will never get to hold her, see her, touch her, kiss her or tell her I love her again. I don't know how I/we are supposed to live with that. I don't know why my baby had to endure so much pain in her short life and I don't know why she had to be the one to leave us behind first. As long as I live I will never understand that.
People say that with time this gets easier (or at least more bearable). Right now I can't imagine that but I know it must be true.

I won't drag this out any longer but will post more later. Sabrina told me things before she left and maybe someday soon I'll share some of that on here. Even till the end she was thinking about us. What a brave, selfless hero and angel she was.

And to my darling Sabrina......I miss you will all my being sweetheart...and I love you so much....

Tuesday, March 18, 2003 7:17 AM CST

Several people have asked about the arrangements for Sabrina.

Visitation (or viewing) is tonight from 5 - 8 at Landess Funeral Home of Malden, MO and the funeral is tomorrow at 10:00a.m. also at the funeral home.

We are asking that memorials be sent either to The Children's Inn, 7 West Dr., Bethesda, MD 20814, or to the Cape Girardeau, MO (or any other branch) Humane Society.

I'm still in shock so am not able to freely share my thoughts at this point. They are just to jumbled. I can say this though......the outpouring of love that we have seen and are seeing is just simply amazing and for as much as we can be comforted right now...it is comforting.

Thank you,
Cathy

Monday, March 17, 2003 7:27 AM CST

At 5:06 this morning Sabrina earned her angel wings. Jim, Sam and I had the privledge of holding her hand as she passed through the gate.

My heart is broken but hers is finally healed.

Saturday, March 15, 2003 7:09 AM CST

I thought it was time for an update as so many of you are checking in regularly now. I wish I had good news and that I could say things are better. But I don't and I can't.

Sabrina's breathing is more and more labored. We got a nebulizer yesterday and that helped some but the effects don't last long. The first treatment felt so good to her that she was practically gulping it down. Afterward she was asking for another about every hour. She can only have them every 6 hours. The second had about the same effect but this morning when I started giving her the third one she only took about half and said she didn't want the rest because it was drying out her mouth to much. She woke up several times in the night (the past 2 nights) saying that she felt like she couldn't breathe. Very early this morning she said that she might have to go to the ER "tomorrow" (I'm sure she still thought it was nighttime). I can't imagine what the hospital could do for her that we aren't already doing. She is so antsy and uncomfortable and rarely sleeps more than a few hours at a time (if that). I'm going to call today and see if I can get something to help her relax better. We are giving her ativan and that usually works for her but it doesn't seem to be helping alot lately (although I do think it helps her to breathe a little easier). While I think we are doing everything medically possible for her I still just don't feel like it's enough but I don't know what else to do. The past few days she has become more and more disoriented and confused too. We were told that this might happen.

Thanks to Penny and Phil for supper last night and to my mom for night before last. Also to Aunt Mary for the chicken and dumplings again. She knows they are a favorite around here.

I think today (if not today then tomorrow) is the day for the St. Baldrick's event. What is it? It's an event sponsored by the National Childhood Cancer Foundation to raise funds for research for childhood cancer. It's called St. Baldrick's because several brave people around the country will have their heads shaved today (in front of crowds and news crews) in an effort to raise money. Last year we sponsored Beth who is the mother of a Leukemia survivor and a dear friend that we had the priveledge of meeting while in Maryland (and got to see right after she shaved her head) This year we are sponsoring a very brave little 12 year old girl named Savannah. Savannah is the reason I am putting this on Sabrina's webpage today (I should have done it sooner but donatations can even be made after the event). It's one thing for an adult to do this but for a 12 year old that has to be in school on Monday facing her peers is just awesome! Savannah is the big sister of Kyla. Kayla fought a very lethal brain tumor for most of her very young life and a few years ago she became an angel. If you'd like to help Savannah reach her goal (I believe her goal is $1000.00 and last I heard she had just over $800.00) you can go to www.stbaldricks.org (it may take a while for this page to load), then click on "sponsor a shavee". Once that page appears, scroll down and click on "female shavee" beside the search button, when that page appears scroll down and click on #15. When that page appears you will see Savannah's picture at the top in the middle (her last name is Freitag and I'm pretty sure she's the only 12 year old on there). Click on her picture and follow the promts to make a donation. Your donation can be sent via the internet, or by mail or by phone.
I think this is a very worthwhile cause and am very proud of Savannah and all the other shavee's. Please only do this if your heart tells you it's right. Don't feel like you have to just because I asked.

With that I will close. Please pray for peace for our family. I know that most times when I write on here I tell you how "I" feel about all this but I'm certainly not the only one suffering and in need of uplifting prayer. Our whole family is affected and needs your prayers.

Thanks for checking in and for all your love and support and prayer.
Cathy

Thursday, March 13, 2003 10:12 AM CST

I have a favor to ask of all the local readers. I know this may be a strange thing to put on the webpage but I know that alot of you that read live close so maybe you can help. We have 2 apartments for rent in Bernie and I'd like you to keep your ears open for anyone that's looking for one. It's two of our new apartments and they are very spacious and very nice. If you want details you can email me. Thanks!

Thanks to Aunt Norma and Brooke for dinner last night (I don't think I've ever seen pork chops that were that big!). It was very good ladies. And thanks to Jessica for the card she made and sent with it.

Things are not alot different for Sabrina. Her breathing seems to maybe be a little bit better but is still labored. She was very restless yesterday and last night and felt like she would get sick but never really did. She has been running a temp off and on now for the past 3 days and I think that's why she feels like she hurts all over. We really can't find a cause for the temp so it could just be from her body trying to rid itself of all the bad things inside.

Thanks for checking on us and for all the sweet guestbook entries, emails and cards but most of all for the prayers!

Cathy

Wednesday, March 12, 2003 8:11 AM CST

It was 20 weeks ago today (5 months) that we heard the words we had feared for so long. This is when we learned that the cancer had spread to her bone marrow and no cure (short of a miracle) could be obtained. In some ways that feels like it was forever ago and in others, like it was yesterday.

In my last update I mentioned that Sabrina was breathing weird. It was like she was having to force air in and out. Yesterday they did a pulse-ox reading on her and her blood oxygen level was very low. Within just a couple hours we had oxygen here and she is now on it round the clock. she said she could tell a difference as soon as they put it on. Her breathing still seems labored but she is more comfortable and seems to be resting better. She still feels so bad though and is getting more and more sensitive to sounds around her. Last night we were watching a movie and thought she was asleep. About 2/3 through the movie she asked us to turn it off so she could go to sleep. She usually wants the tv on for noise but last night it was getting on her nerves. Also during one of her awake times (right after I took her temp) I was asking her questions. Apparently I was asking too many as she finally asked me to please leave her alone because it hurt to try to talk. I'm not sure how it hurt to talk and since I was getting on her nerves with all my questions I didn't ask. Her voice sounds weaker and sometimes her words are hard to understand. I fear that the numbness has affected this area now but don't know for sure. Her speech gets a little better when she's irritated at me though :-).

We are on day 4 now of no vomiting! I pray that that continues to stay away. Once yesterday she felt like she might get sick but it passed. She is still in pain and it seems to come and go. I have stopped the schedule we had her on and now I just let her ask for pain meds when she needs them. She is still wearing the patches too. She continues to sleep most of the time (or at least pretend she is sleeping) and keeps a wash rag on her forehead and over her eyes. Her left eye is still swelled but yesterday it seemed a little bit better (or maybe I just wanted it to be better???). She said that she sees double out of it sometimes. I have my theories about that too. She just has so many things going on......I don't know how her body can take much more.....

I know I've said this so many times but this is just the hardest thing I can ever imagine. I just can't think of anything that would be harder to endure than watching your child go through what Sabrina is going through. There just aren't words to explain it.

Thank you too my Mom for Sunday dinner (and everything else you do Mom) to Aunt Mary and Uncle Dave for dinner Monday and to Mrs Maclin for last night dinner. Also thanks to the Bolton Aunts for the beautiful Angel you sent and to Pat Ford for the books. And thanks to everyone who has sent cards and prayers. It all means so much to us.

Cathy

Monday, March 10, 2003 7:27 AM CST

I thought I would do just a quick update (yea right!) and let you know how things are going. Sabrina was awake off and on yesterday and it was the second day in a row that she didn't get sick (I'm thanking God and knocking on wood as I say this out loud). She even managed to get a whole boost drink down. So in that aspect maybe she is better. She continues to feel "like crap" and achy all over. Also her arm is really hurting where she got vitamin K shots 3 weeks ago in the hospital. Because of her low platelets levels there are huge bruises on her arm from those shots and for some reason yesterday she started having pain there. Also her breathing is different. I don't really know how to explain it but she just breaths funny. It's a deep short kind of breathing and you can see every breathe she takes. You might remember a while back her left eye was swelling and was almost shut, then it cleared up. Well it's back. Started last night and this morning it's more swollen.
Again...seems like she has to trade one thing for another :*(.

She is so amazing. She tries so hard not to complain and even with all she has going on she still says "thank you" when I do anything for her. I know she is getting very tired. I have no idea what the future holds but I just pray that it's not more suffering. I would love to see her start having good days again! That would do my heart so much good. It would all our hearts.

Ok, promised to keep this short so will wind it up now. I do want to say to all of you candle lovers that Annie's is open for business again (with lots of new scents). You can see her selection (including Sabrina's scent) at www.anniesflowersandscents.com. Be sure and tell her that I sent you.

Thanks for checking in and for all your prayers.
Cathy

Sunday, March 9, 2003 9:00 AM CST

We've had an interesting and busy past 2 days.  As I told you before, Friday was Sam's birthday (and thanks again to all you wonderful people who sent her egreetings, cards, flowers and gifts...you guys are the greatest).  I sort of had the day planned and it was going to be spent as much with Sam as possible.  Then we were supposed to have supper and cake here that night.  I actually stopped planning things along time ago and whatever made me think I could plan something now is beyond me.  Sabrina had other plans for Friday.  The nurse came that morning and did labs.  She was low last week (8.7 and they tranfuse anything under 8.0).  I had spoken to them about doing them this week and was told we might wait till next week unless Sabrina became symptomatic.  Well she did.  Her heart was beating really hard and she kept having headaches (for her this is a sure sign that she needs blood).  Anyway we got the labs done yesterday.  The nurse had them rushed through and sure enough.....she was at 6.9!  Her platets had dropped too from 28000 to 11000.  So she had to be transfused right away.  After several phone calls between myself and 2 or 3 nurses it was finally decided to take her to Dexter for the transfusion rather than Cape.  This was easier in that it was closer and we wouldn't have to spend the night.  Then an ambulance had to be arranged because she isn't able to ride in a car.  That was a major ordeal in itself.  The nurse was trying to get it approved for medicaid to pay for it and finally she called and said that they just would not pay because we didn't meet all the necessary requirements for Sabrina to be transported (in a non-emergency situation).  I told her to forget the stupid insurance and get the ambulance here.  After what seemed like forever (from report of first labs to ambulance arriving) the ambulance finally arrived and we were on our way.  We got there about 1:30 p.m. and got back home around 9p.m.  All in all the ride there and home was smooth and I have to say that I was very impressed with the Stoddard County ambulance service, and the Dr. and nurses at Dexter.  They got her started quick, kept a close eye on her and everything went fine. They did not give her platelets because the Dr. said that unless she was actively bleeding there was no use, her body would destroy them prob. within 24 hours.  One of the nurses that took care of Sabrina took it upon herself and called whoever needed to be called and got things all approved for the ride home to be paid for and also all future rides (if necessary) that are non emergency. I thought that was sweet of her.

Sam's birthday dinner was postponed till last night (we told her to go ahead Friday night but she didn't want to have it without Jim and I there). Mom fixed Sam's favorite casserole and cake (as a joke I had her do the cake shaped like spongebob squarepants.....all my "grown" kids love that cartoon). The party went well, it was just a day late. Sabrina seemed to be aggitated last night and I think it was because we were making to much noise. Oh how I wish she would have felt good enough to join us.

Sabrina had a decent day yesterday. She didn't get sick (as opposed to Friday when she got sick at least 3 times) but she said that her body was aching all over. This morning she said she still feels achy and her jaw is hurting a little but her shoulder seems to be better. Seems like she trades one pain for another. The numbness is spreading upward. I'm so scared that it's going to spread to her arms and that she will lose use of them too. Please pray that this doesn not happen. It upsets her so bad now that she can't really feel anything from her waist down and she has no control of her legs.

In my last update I forgot to say thanks to Jeannie for the bakery goodies. So thanks Jeannie...they were VERY good!

I'd like to close with the Serenity Prayer. Until just a few days ago I didn't know that it had more than one verse (am I the only one who didn't know that?). Here it is in it's entirety:

God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change....
Courage to change the things I can and the Wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time, Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it.
Trusting that He will make all the things right if I surrender to His will.
That I may be reasonably happy in this life,
and suppremely happy with Him in the next. Amen
(written either by Reinhold Neibuhr or Friedrich Oetinger.....there are 2 theories as to the author)

Please continue to pray for Sabrina.
Cathy

Thursday, March 6, 2003 6:34 PM CST

I'd like to start this update by thanking a few people. Thanks to Billie for the donuts and goodies, and to Aunt Joann for the chili and the italian coconut cake (one of our favorites), and to James and Sharon Ealey for the Pizza and fixins last night and to Mrs Maclin and Miss Ruth for supper and that yummy pumkin pie/cake thing (I'm not sure what it is but it sure is good!). I still swear that people are trying to make us fat :-). Trav has been coming out about every night and we tease him that he's only coming for the food! Course we know that's not it. I think I have covered everyone. We just have the best family and friends in the world.

Sabrina is still about the same. Yesterday wasn't a bad day. Like most days she slept almost all through it but she did wake up a couple of times and didn't get sick. But then last night she did get sick once. We had to move her up in bed and that upset her and made her hurt and throw up. She had a restful night other than that. Today she has slept even more than normal. I decided to try to back her off on some of the pain meds just to see how she would do. She did pretty well except that she woke up sick around 4 because she didn't have any nausea meds either. After she got sick though she settled right back down and went back to sleep. I've never seen her sleep so much. I guess it's good in that she's not sick or hurting when she's asleep but I sure wish she'd wake up some and I wish she would smile. I miss her smile.

Thanks to all my pokwc friends who have sent Sam birthday greetings and cards. I've always said that you guys are the greatest. For those of you who do not know what "pokwc" means....it's an online message board called "parents of kids with cancer" and it holds some of the most special people who could ever want to meet! It's easy to form a bond with a total stranger when you have children who are going through the same thing. I'm also on a message group called rh-kids (stands for rhabdo-kids) and it's compiled of parents of kids with rhabdo and also a few adults that have it. These are also some very special people. I'd like to request a special prayer for one of the rh-kids families. Little Nicole (daughter of Ann) became an angel yesterday morning. She was so very young (a toddler) and was taken from this world by the same beast that has invaded my daughters body and refused to let go. It's just so unfair. Please pray for this family.

I think that's about it for today. I will try to update again tomorrow. Thanks to all our wonderful friends who are praying, reading, signing the guestbook, thinking about us, feeding us and just caring. We are very lucky in alot of ways. More than anything we just want Sabrina well and our lives to be "normal" (whatever that is) but since it is far from that it's nice to have such a great support group.

Cathy

Tuesday, March 4, 2003 8:30 PM CST

It's been 2 days now since my last update. Things are maybe a tiny bit better. I'm not even sure. I increased Sabrina's nausea medicine because she was vomiting so much but the increase makes her sleep more. Yesterday and today total she's probably been awake only 2 hours total. Actually this afternoon she woke up and seemed to be doing good then all of a sudden she started throwing up. That was the second time today. So if she's awake she's sick but she's just not awake much. I guess right now sleep is good. Tonight I was massaging her legs (to keep the circulation going) and was putting lotion on them and she got upset. She said she just wanted to be left alone (plus earlier we were being a little noisy because we were cleaning all her animal cages and changing filters.....the noise from that upset her too). She is just so sensitive right now to everything. And she has every right to be. She's so young to be faced with all she is faced with right now. I will never ever understand any of this.

You might notice that the floating picture/movie is gone from the website. I know that alot of you enjoyed that but some of you have been telling me that you are having problems accessing the webpage so I thought that might be the problem and removed it. Maybe later I'll put another one on with different pictures. It could be that caringbridge is having problems too...we'll see.

I decided to go back to doing the individual thank yous. I enjoyed doing that because I like to let people know that we appreciate them. As I've said before if I miss someone pleeaasseee don't take it personal. I would never ever do that intentionally.

It would be impossible for me to individually thank all of you who are sending cards. And even though Sabrina rarely reads them just know that we apprecaite them very much and they brighten our day. Thanks to Theresa and Donnie for Sunday dinner, and to Sharon for last nights supper. We so appreciate all the food everyone is bringing. I'm scared that if I cook anything much the smell will bother Sabrina since she can't eat. Just that fact along makes what you are doing very nice. I think that I've covered everyone for now. As always thanks to all of you who continue to lift us up in prayer. There are so so many people praying for Sabrina and the rest of our family. It's a bit overwhelming at times to think about it but it also brings peace so thank you.

Friday is Sam's birthday. If you'd like to wish her a happy 22nd you can email her at sammyb_99@hotmail.com. I know it would mean alot to her to get birthday greetings. All this that we are going through is very hard on her too.

There are so many people checking the website now daily. Some of you have said that you don't know how I find the energy to keep it updated. It's not that I have the extra energy but more that this webpage is like a journal for me and a way for me to share what's going on. It's theraputic in a way and I've been doing it for so long that I can't imagine not doing it now.

Thanks so much for caring and checking on us.
Cathy

Sunday, March 2, 2003 11:28 PM CST

Two updates in one day. I'm sitting here trying to stay awake until 11:30 to give Sabrina her meds so thought I'd write a little bit.

Today was not a good day for Sabrina. It just breaks my heart even more when she has days like this. She got sick so many times today and all of a sudden doesn't seem to be keeping anything down again. She was doing so good with that and then.... She's still drinking (thank God) and at least that gives her something to throw up so she won't just be heaving (hope your not eating while reading this). Each time she gets sick it brings pain. Today she complained of her right shoulder hurting some and said her arm felt "heavy". I hope and pray she just layed on it wrong and that's it's not on the list of things that are going numb. She just hates being so helpless. She said today during one of her really bad sick spells that she "hated this and was just so tired". Please pray for strength and a better day tomorrow.

I can't believe how fast things seem to be changing. It wasn't all that long ago that she was running around, going to movies with her friends and being happy. And then it started and it's been like a landslide ever since.

It gets harder and harder to see her like this everyday. Each time I start feeling sorry for myself for what I am watching her go through I think of her and that she's the one actually going through it. I know that my strength is coming from God and from all the prayers. There's no way I could do this on my own.

Thanks for checking on us.
Cathy

Sunday, March 2, 2003 11:13 AM CST

It's Sunday morning and Sabrina is sleeping peacefully. The weekend (like all our days now, has had it's ups and downs). The nights seem to be better. We have found the right mix of drugs to help her be comfortable and sleep through the night. The days and evenings are where the ups and downs come in. Yesterday was a good day until late in the afternoon when she started vomiting again. This happened twice yesterday and both times was very hard on her. The decision was made yesterday to get a hospital bed for her (she wanted it) and thanks to our pharmacist and his wife, when I called to see what we had to do to get one, there was one here in about 30 minutes (and this was after hours). She seems much more comfortable in this bed. The couch just seemed to get smaller and smaller and she was to the point where she couldn't get comfortable on it. We set the bed up in the living room and rearranged all the furniture. Thanks goodness that we had some family in from out of town. That gave us lots of "lifters" and with Amber and Ben being in the nursing field they knew exactly how to move her without hurting her. That was a Godsend.

Sabrina is now losing all the feeling and use of her left leg (the rt leg is already like this). The left one seemed to have happened so much faster than the right. This upset her deeply. She hates being so helpless.

It has come to my attention that in my effort to post "thank-yous" on here I have left some people out (I never meant to do that). So I supposed that I should stop that part of these posts so as not to hurt anyone else's feelings. Before I stop though I would like to add 2 people to the list that deserve as much or more thanks than anyone (and I can't remember if I have said them or not). Thank you to Aunt JoAnne and Uncle Bo. I can't even begin to list the sweet and thoughtful things you have done for us over the past few months and years. There are just to many things. So, for all the wonderful food you send (we might have starved in Cape had it not been for your ham :-), the shower chair you got for Brinie and just everything else you've done, from the bottom of my heart, I thank you. I had to put that one on here before I stopped doing the individual thank yous. I do apologize for the feelings that got hurt and the ones that I missed (I told you my mind is at half mass these days so please forgive me). Please try not to take it personal. Let it just suffice to say that we appreciate everything everyone has done and leave it at that.

Cathy

Saturday, March 1, 2003 9:59 AM CST

I spoke to soon. I knew as soon as I said it out loud I would jinx things. Just after I updated and said that Sabrina had not vomited in 2 days she did. And for most of yesterday she was nauseous (not sure why). She changed positions on the couch yesterday morning (slept sitting up in a reclining position rather than laying flat) and it was still sooo very painful for her to move. After that we added another pain patch because the goal is to knock the pain down (or out) when she is moving not just when she's laying still. That seemed to help but when we layed her back down last night the pain was just as bad. I just don't get it. i.v. pain meds may be the only solution soon.

Both home health nurses came yesterday. One to do vitals and just check on her in general (her vitals are all still good) and the other to draw her labs. We got the lab results this morning. No huge surprises except that her wbc is 5.0 and hasn't been that high (on it's own) in over 4 years and her LDH is dropping some. I'm not sure what to read into the LDH drop. If she were feeling better and not in so much pain I would think it was a very good thing but I just don't know. Might mean something, might mean nothing. It's still WAY above the normal range.

She seemed to rest good last night but did alot of talking in her sleep. I sat up for a while just watching and listening to her. I never could tell what she was saying but whatever it was it seemed to be pleasant. She's not woken up yet this morning except for when I woke her to take her pain meds. Having them on a schedule does seem to help it just keeps her more drugged and makes her sleep more. But she told me that she prefers sleep over the pain any day!

I think that's about it. Will post again soon.

Oh, I have few thank yous to add.....Thanks to Rhonda for the cake and thanks to Penny and Shirley for bringing supper last night (and to Phil and Harold for cooking it
:-). You guys are the best! And I can't remember if I put this one on so will do it again...thanks to Helen for the cookies last week. We are all going to get so fat!

Please continue to pray,
Cathy

Friday, February 28, 2003 9:37 AM CST

How is Sabrina? This is the question that is asked most of me these days. I wish with all my heart that I could say better. And in some ways I beleive she is. She hasn't vomited in 2 days now (today will make 3 if we make it all day). This morning she ate 1/2 a popsicle. That's major considering she hasn't eaten in over 2 weeks. Now if it will just stay down. The thing that is not better and actually seems to be progressively worse is the pain in her shoulder and the numbness that seems to be spreading throughout her body. She has no feeling whatsoever in her rt leg now :*(. We did get the extra pain patches and have also upped her oral dose of pain meds. The Dr. has pretty much told me to adjust things as I see fit and add patches until we reach a tolerable pain level. If this does not work then she will be put on i.v. pain meds. She didn't want that at first but has said now that she'll take anything over this pain. Sometimes it gets so bad that she starts to hyperventilate. I feel so helpless!

I would like to ask again that calls be kept to a minimum (I love getting emails though) and visits to an extra mininum. I know that so many of you would like to come and see her, or the rest of us, but she just can't handle visitors and doesn't want anyone around. So when someone does come we stay in the dining room. If you must come over or are coming to bring food (which we sooo appreciate) please limit your stay to 10 or 15 minutes. My intention is not to be rude or mean in any of this and I sure don't want to hurt anyone feelings, but right now I have to put my daughters feelings and needs first and what she needs the most is for the house to be peaceful, tranquil and still as much as possible. To much noise or commotion really gets her wound up and when she gets like that the pain starts and then it takes, what seems like forever, to get her calm, out of pain and settled back down. And to be honest I'm not in the mood to talk on the phone alot or visit alot these days either. Again I hope this hasn't upset anyone and I'm not referring to anyone in particular just reiterating what I had said before. Also please do not think we are ungrateful for anything that anyone has done for us or for your love and concern. We so very much are grateful, but again...I have to focus on Sabrina right now and what is best for her.

I have some more thank yous to post. thanks to the Pinkley's for the beautiful flowers, and to Pearline for the frog and spongebob balloon (spongebob is one of Sabrina and Pearls favorite cartoons....and yes they are 19 and 20 years old), and to Shauna for calling to check on Sabrina all the way from Scotland and last but not least to Annie from Annie's flowers and scents (my friend who makes the candles that benefit childhood cancer research) for the box of groceries. She found an internet grocery story and had 2 boxes of groceries sent here all the way from New Hampshire (well she's in NH but I don't know where the e-grocer is). That was awesome Annie. And thanks for even remembering the bird and dogs. You are so thoughtful. And again thanks to all you are praying and who check this website, sign the guestbook or send those sweet emails. It really does help.

Oh, one more thing and then I will close....several people have asked me about bringing food or meals over (and please do not take this as me asking for food). We sort of have a system now and if you are planning on doing either of those things please contact my Aunt Mary (she's become our meal coordinator...isn't that so sweet of her to do that for us?). She keeps up with the days that meals are coming so that things don't get doubled up. THANK YOU Aunt Mary for loving us so much!

I'd like to ask all you prayer warriors out there to please remember my dad and mom. As if they don't have enough on their plate right now my dad took a pretty hard fall on the ice the other day and is alot of pain. Please remember them.

I'd like to close with a verse that Sabrina was reading yesterday in one of her few awake moments... "Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am faint; O Lord, heal me, for my bones are in agony......" PSALM 6:1-3

Wednesday, February 26, 2003 10:50 PM CST

Thought I would update before I turn in. Today was like most days now in that it had it's ups and downs. Last night was interesting (for lack of a better word). At 1:00 a.m. Jim got up to give Sabrina her pain meds. When he woke her up she had the urge to pee really bad (she has a foley cathader so this should not happen). Her foley bag was empty which meant that no urine was getting through the tube and her bladder was very full. I called the on-call home health service. while I was waiting for a call back I also called the nurse that has been coming to see us (it wasn't her night to be on-call). She told me to try to reposition Sabrina and if that didn't work then she would most likely need a new cathader. She was so miserable from her bladder being so full. We debated on taking her to the hospital but the on-call nurse got right back to us and was so sweet. She made a rush trip to Dexter (from Parma...about 15 to 20 miles) to get a new foley. In the mean time we had sat Sabrina up on the couch and still no urine flow. Sitting up made her shoulder hurt really bad so after about 20 or 30 minutes she decided to try to lay back down and wait on the nurse to arrive. As soon as she layed back down the blockage opened up somehow and almost filled her bag up (that's alot of urine to have in your bladder). The nurse went ahead and came over just to check everything out and to teach me how to pull a cathader if it was ever necessary (I now have the suringes and a new cathader if it's ever needed). Thank God she didn't have to have a new one last night. We still don't know what happened other than it must have just gotten kinked. It's a very good thing that Jim got up and woke her up when he did or that could have easily turned into more of an emergency situation than it was. We all got back to bed at about 3a.m. I was just thankful she didn't have to go to the hospital.

As I said before, today had it's ups and downs but for the most part was a fairly calm day. The pain in Sabrina's shoulder is getting worse. Tonight was not calm at all. She was in so much pain. Tomorrow I am making a call to the Dr. to see about i.v. pain meds so that she can get relief faster. Or to see if there are any orals meds that work faster than what we have. Sabrina said tonight that she would rather sleep all the time than to feel this pain (and this is coming from a child who has a tremendous pain tolerance). One good thing about today is that she didn't vomit at all. She drank alot (she's hooked on sprite now) and even managed to drink about half of a Boost protein drink. We will try more of that tomorrow but the main thing on tomorrows agenda is to get this pain under control. It's getting out of hand and the only good part is that she does sleep alot and isn't in pain when she sleeps. She does have good moments too when she's awake it's just that when that pain starts it's very hard to get it to stop. Please pray that God will send us a way to ease the pain. We have prayed and prayed for this.....

Jim, Sam and I are all doing as ok as possible. Nothing is easy about what we are watching Sabrina go through but we just take one day, hour or minute at a time and get through it. I know that all the prayers that are going up for us right now are helping so much, as is all the love and support we are receiving.

We are still being fed really well. Some of our family and church members are making sure that we don't go hungry. These people are angels in disguise! We had Aunt Mary's famous chicken and dumplings last night (and again today) and tonight our pastors wife made us stew and chicken salad (very very good stuff!). One thing is for sure...if we go hungry it's our own fault. It's sure not because there isn't any food here. Sometimes it's hard to eat though knowing that Sabrina can't. Just doesn't seem right or fair but I also know that we all have to eat and take care of ourselves as best we can so that we can be there and be helpful to her.

Thanks to all who are sending cards, food, prayers and love. I don't know what we'd do without you.

Cathy
mom to the bravest person I've ever known!

Tuesday, February 25, 2003 9:28 AM CST

Not alot to report this morning. The past 2 nights have been fairly calm. Sabrina usually wakes up for pain meds about 2a.m. She's having more and more numbness in various places in her body. Her left eye is almost closed from her having no control of that muscle. She sleeps most of the time and the pain isn't as bad now unless she tries to move around. She has to move some though because she gets so stiff just laying in one place. We help her as much as possible when she needs to reposition. She's been running a temp off and on for the past 24 hours. It gets pretty high and then comes back down. The Dr. doesn't believe that there is infection anywhere though. He thinks it's just the bodies natural mechanism trying to fight off all that is going on inside her.

Thanks for all your prayers and support. Sabrina isn't able to read the posts to the guestbook but I am and I appreciate all of them.

Cathy

Sunday, February 23, 2003 6:50 PM CST

Sabrina had a decent night last night. I got up at around 3am to change her i.v. fluid bag and she woke up in pretty bad pain. She took pain meds and was able to get relief in about 30 minutes (i.v. pain meds work so much faster but for now she doesn't want that). Today was a little different story though. She slept alot but when she wasn't sleeping she was in pain. Her left shoulder is the source of pain now and it's really really bad. She can't hardly move because of it and when she tries she just hurts so badly. She has alot of trouble finding positions that are comfortable for her shoulder. It's just so hard to watch her like this. Also today she threw up 3 times (so far). I'm not sure why she got sick more today than the past few days but she did. And getting sick also makes her hurt.
The oral pain meds work but I think they will prob. have to be increased soon as they just don't seem to take care of all of the pain. But at least they make her comfortable enough to sleep (course they also make her very groggy thus the sleeping all the time). Today she got so upset and said that she wanted something to eat so bad. It's been almost 2 weeks since she's eaten. Her bowels still haven't moved but we are praying that they will soon and that once they do the vomiting will subside and maybe, God willing, she can eat a little. This is another situation that makes me feel so helpless.....

I have no idea why God is allowing her to suffer like this. I am trying very hard not to be bitter or angry about it but that's getting harder and harder.

Please pray that her pain subsides and that the vomiting stops and that her bowels move so that maybe she can eat again. Also please pray for strength for us. I just can't imagine anything being harder than this.

Cathy

Saturday, February 22, 2003 9:37 PM CST

We are home (praise GOD). The old saying "be it ever so humble, there's no place like home" stands extra true after you've been in the hospital for a week.

There's no real change in Sabrina's condition. The doctors felt like we could do everything at home that they were doing for her in the hospital and she really wanted to come home. I can tell she's happy to be home and back on her comfy couch. We have home health coming to help with the i.v. fluids and for now she is trying to take her pain meds orally. I hope that she can continue to do that. I really liked the home health nurse that came today and she's from Bernie (very convenient for her and us).

I have so many people that I'd like to say thanks to....
Our nurse Julie at Southeast. She was an angel in disguise.
My mom and dad who took care of everything for us while we were gone (and somehow still managed to come to Cape and see us). My friend Penny for caring enough to help clean out house, call everyday, and fix supper for us, Our friends Sharon and Gerald for also helping clean the house and for bringing groceries (and I'll thank you guys in advance for supper tomorrow night), Miss Sarah from church for her love and generousity, Teri for helping to clean house (I think our house must have been filthy as it took 4 people to get it clean :-), my friend Patty from New Jersey who, while going through her own personal hell, still managed to call me every night to see how we were.....and my friend Beth who always has the most encouraging messages for me. Also everyone who sent cards and called and emailed to check on us. It really does help to know that so many people care. If I missed anyone please forgive me as my brain is only at half mass these days.

We would still like to keep company to a minimum right now. Sabrina just doesn't feel like visiting or having alot of noise going on around her now. We appreciate so much everyone understanding this.

I would like to close with two of Sabrina's favorite bible verses...

Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior.
Habakkuk 3:17-18


"Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life....."
John 9:3

Please keep us in your prayers.
Cathy

Friday, February 21, 2003 7:47 AM CST

Yesterday was a better day (thank GOD). The morephine drip seems to be helping with the pain but it still keeps her so sleepy and groggy all the time which she does not like. We had them turn it down a bit and that dose seems to be working. I'm going to have them turn it down again today and see what happens. The Dr. said yesterday that once we get her bowels to move he believes she will be able to eat (we'll see) and that once that happens she can go home. They are still doing enemas and so far they haven't worked. It's just all the pain meds she is on that is causing things to be so slow. Not having to get up to go to the bathroom has helped alot. The less she moves the less pain she is in. She was able to dring yesterday and keep it down. She tried eating and it came right back up. She felt like visiing some yesterday morning. Our former pastor, Bro. Charley and his wife Karen came by and that made her feel good to see them. She always adored him. Unfortunately she got sick while they were there so the visit had to be cut short.

She ran Jim and I both off last night and made Sam stay with her. That's a first for Sam. We were only 5 minutes away so I knew it would be ok.

They are talking about sending her home on i.v. fluids and the morephine drip (which will mean home health or hospice). She told me yesterday that she wants to try to get off the morephine. I hope and pray she is able to. We'll see.

As for the chemo we were about to start....the Dr. said it's still not out of the question but that she has to be much better than she is to get it. She has to at least be eating and drinking and be mobile. And as for radiation to the spine for pain control the Dr. isn't really crazy about that idea as he thinks it won't do enough good to be worth doing. Plus right now she wouldn't be able to do it.

We are about to get ready and head to the hospital. It was hard leaving her there last night but I trust Sam to take care of her and call me if she needed me.

Please continue to pray.
Cathy

Thursday, February 20, 2003 7:47 AM CST

Sabrina is still in the hospital. Things seem to have gone from bad to worse in such a short time. Her pain is getting worse by the day (and sometimes by the hour). The morephine helps alot but causes her to sleep all the time. When she does wake up she's just in tears from the pain. The morephine is slowing everything down on her insides so last night she had to have a foley (cath) put in to relieve her bladder. She kept trying to go and just never could and she was miserable. I think it was a good decision to put it in as it was getting harder and harder for her to walk to the bathroom. Also last night a decision was made to put her on a continuous morephine drip so that maybe she could get some constant relief. She can still have extra if she needs it too. She had to have an enema last night too. When I left it hadn't worked yet. I pray it has by now or does today or she'll have to have another one and she gets so upset at the thought of it. Matter of fact last night she said flat out "they WILL NOT give me another one". So please pray that it worked.

I've never watched anyone (esp someone that I would give my life for) suffer like she is suffering. It's just horrible and just the saddest hardest thing we've ever seen or done. I cannot understand why God would allow sufferig like this. I will never understand. And I/we have never felt so helpless in our entired lives.

Please pray for all of us but esp for Sabrina that today will be the day that things turn around for her. They are doing an ultra sound of her gallbladder and liver this morning to see what they can see. She only threw up once yesterday but she ony tried to eat once and the rest of the day was just tiny sips of ice water. Plus she slept the majority of the day yesterday.

Something has to give here soon. I just don't think she can take much more of this. Please keep the prayers coming.....
Cathy

Tuesday, February 18, 2003 6:18 AM CST

As of yesterday morning Sabrina is in the hospital. She finally agreed to go and I'm so glad. By the time we got there she was so dehydrated that they couldn't even get a blood count on her (blood was too thick). After a few hours of hydration they were able to get a count. Everything has dropped a little but not to danger levels.

She still can't keep any food down but right now fluids are much more important. They have her on i.v. morephine and they seems to be helping with the pain.

Jim stayed with her last night and I stayed at Sam's so that's where I'm doing this update from. I'm about to head back over there now.

There's not alot to tell at this point. We are hopeing to know more about what's going to be happening today.

Not sure when I'll be able to update again but if I can't then I'll have someone do it for me.

Right now (until Sabrina feels better) we ask that you don't call the hospital. If you need an update you can call the shop, my mom or Sam. Don't mean to be rude it's just that Sabrina can't stand alot of noise or talking in her room right now. We are also trying to keep visitors to a minimum for a while until she feels better per her request.

Please pray.
Cathy

Saturday, February 15, 2003 9:12 PM CST

I want to say thank you to all you sweet, caring, wonderful people who responded to my request for prayer. I am overwhelmed.

Sabrina is still feeling bad. I can say though that her pain seems to be somewhat better. She is now on a continuous pain patch and takes the pills for the break through pain. We stopped the oxycontin to see if that was what was making her sick. She didn't have it yesterday or today and unfortunately, unless it takes days to leave your system, that wasn't it. She's still throwing up 75% of what she eats or drinks. This has been going on now for 3 days. Could be a virus I suppose but would it last this long? If she's still sick like this on Monday we may have to go see the Dr. and have some tests run to see if they can figure it out. I'm worried now that she will get dehyrated. She is still drinking though and managing to hold some of that down.

Please continue to lift us all up in prayer. It's just so hard to see her like this. Please pray for relief.

I read a quote today that I thought was very good so I'm going to close this post with it,
"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much"
Mother Teresa

Thursday, February 13, 2003 10:34 PM CST

As I type this my heart is breaking. I know I've been asking for alot of prayers lately but now I'm asking for non stop prayers for Sabrina. Her pain is continueing to get worse. She can't even get up now without being in excrutiating pain. Her back is hurting and her leg hurts so bad that she is in tears when she tries to sit up. And today she threw up twice. She could have a bug or it could be the strong pain meds or it could just be from all her body is having to deal with.

I don't understand. Last week was the best week she's had in a long time and now things are just changing so fast.

I'm so scared and so worried. I just don't understand why this is happening to her. It's just not fair.

I know that God has a master plan and that we aren't supposed to understand it and that that's where faith is supposed to come in but I just will never get how this kind of suffering in an innocent child can be a part of any plan. I just don't get it.

I wish I had a more positive message to post tonight. I really only came to ask for that you pray that Sabrina be relieved of this pain.

Thank you,
Cathy

Wednesday, February 12, 2003 7:12 AM CST

Monday after I wrote the update I called the Dr. He wanted us to come up asap because he thought there might be a blood clot in Sabrina leg. So she and I headed to Cape. They got her in for the ultra sound right away. There is no blood clot. This is good news except for now we aren't sure what's causing the pain. After the test we went by Sam's for a minute and then over to Dr.'s Yuen's. Since we were in town anyway he agreed to go ahead and see her so we wouldn't have to come back Wednesday for her scheduled appointment. She had labs done and then we waited (for over 2 hours) for her to be worked in. Even though the wait was long (we were actually in recliners so it wasn't bad) it was worth it not to have to go back Wed. Dr. Yuen said that the pain could be from a pulled tendon or could be from tumor pushing on nerves on or near the spine (he leaned more toward the latter). He increased her pain meds and then discussed going back on chemo again. She explained to him that she stopped because it made her sick. He asked if she would be willing to try it at reduced doses. Surprisingly she agreed. She starts that next Wednesday. Please pray that this time is better and doesn't make her sick. We know there are no promises with this chemo but just after the 2 doses she had I could see a positive difference. The pain was worse yesterday so my prayer is that if it is tumor this new chemo will at least shrink the what is causing the pain. Seeing her in pain is just so hard.

Please say a prayer for Trav today. He is having an MRI because he hurt his back at work. Hopefully it's just a pulled muscle.

Also if you can manage more prayers, Sam is having wisdom teeth cut out today. She's nervous about it as she's never really had many medical procedures done.

That's it for now. Thanks for stopping by and thanks for your prayers.

I'd like to say a big thanks to my online friend Pat (carlospat) for the goodie box she sent Sabrina. That was so sweet and I have no idea how you crammed all that stuff into that little box Pat! Thanks.

Till next time.....
Cathy
"If GOD leads you to it, HE will lead you through it"

Monday, February 10, 2003 6:55 AM CST

Hi everyone. It's Monday again. Hope you all had a good weekend. Ours was busy. Lately we seem to be having a mass exodus of renters and this weekend Jim and I spent our time cleaning and painting one of our apartments. We've never had so many people move at once and I hope it's about to slow down! We worked Friday, Saturday and Sunday and got the apt. done except for the carpet. Sabrina went to Cape with her brother and nephew. They spent the night at the girls house Sat. night. I really don't think she felt like going but she pushed herself. She enjoyed it so I'm glad she went and got out of the house for a while.

Sabrina is having a new pain. I think it started Wed. or Thurs. and at first it wasn't that bad. In just a few days though it has gotten pretty bad so I am calling the Dr. today. The pain is in the calf of her leg and shoots up to ther thigh. Last night it was so bad she couldn't hardly walk. We have no idea what it is. Hopefully the Dr. will uhave some idea or at least be able to figure it out with an xray or scan. I don't think this part of her leg was in the last scans but I doubt it would have mattered as it wasn't hurting then. Please say a prayer that this pain goes away. It's not something that only hurts when she's up but hurts in any position and esp. if someone touches it or pushes on it.

Nothing going on other than that really. I'm supposed to go back to my pain management Dr. today but may change it...depending on what they want to do about Sabrina leg. He's not really helping at this poing anyway. I've had 2 injections into my back and so far I can't tell any difference.

Please remember us in your prayers. It's so hard to see Sabrina in pain and it had to happen right when she was starting to feel better.

Also please continue to remember our friends Sean and Patty as they travel the same road we are traveling.

Till next time......
Cathy

Thursday, February 6, 2003 10:17 AM CST

We've had an interesting week to say the least. Sabrina had labs done on Monday and her hgb was low so we went to Cape Tuesday to get blood. It was a verrry long day. We left the house at 6:30 am. and got back home that evening at 5:30. We would have been home at least an hour earlier but the nurse punched a hole in the second bag of blood and another had to be orderd. It took over an hour to get it. Sabrina was not a happy camper about the delay. That night I think Sabrina may have had a reaction to the blood. She is usually premedicated with benadryl before blood but for some reason was not this time. That night she got very nervous (couldn't stop moving) and after taking a nerve pill, a benedryl and riding around in the car for a while she was finally able to settle down. She said she just felt antsy inside and like she couldn't stop fidgeting. It scared me a little. It could have been an anxiety attack of some sort but it was strange that it's never happened before and it was right after getting blood.

Wednesday Sabrina felt much better and even felt like getting out of the house for a while. Travis was due in court early Wednesday morning (divorce issues) and Sabrina was determined to be there. She did go and did fine. She got a little tired and uncomfortable but all in all she was ok. After court we came home and she rested for a bit then she even felt like going out to eat lunch! That's a first in a very long time. She did have some pain yesterday (got pretty bad at bedtime) but all in all yesterday was the best day she's had in months. I'm very thankful for that. Today she seems to feel pretty good too....maybe today will be as good as yesterday was for her.

Sam has to go back to Cape this weekend to work. She's been off for 2 weeks and it's been so nice having her at home. I know that she needs to go back though, if for no other reason, to just get out of the house for a while. She works 3 days and will be back Tuesday.

It's snowing here today. I love the snow when it first falls. It just looks so pure and fresh. I doubt we'll be getting out any today since we have quite a bit already and it's still coming down.

That's about it from us. Hope you are doing good. As always, thanks for checking on us and thanks for all your prayers and support.
Till next time....
Cathy

ps I forgot to thank Liz and Helen for bring the stew the other day. the girls really enjoyed you guys and the food (it's all gone now :-).

Sunday, February 2, 2003 9:22 AM CST

Things are still about the same here.  The nausea is better but she's still having a little.  I don't think what she is having now is from chemo.  Not sure what it's from though.  The pain seems to be a little better but still moves around (yesterday it was in her knee but her back wasn't hurting and that's a first in a while).  She still has no energy and gets very dizzy when she stands up. I do think she's a little stronger now tough as far as her walking goes.

Sabrina says (and I support her decision) that she is defineately not taking this chemo anymore.  We had hopes of it being like the vincristine as far as side effects go.  That is not the case.  So for now no further treatment is planned.  We are researching several kinds of supplements and have her on quite a few.  Some claim to boost the immune system while others claim to actualy help combat cancer cells.

As for the rest of us we are fine. We seem to be having a mass exodus of renters right now (seems to run in spurts) so Jim is staying busy working on apartments when he's not working at the shop. One of our renters passed away. He was not only a renter but a friend. He was an elderly gentleman whose passion was his flowers and his truck patch vegetable garden. He was a regular at the shop, usually just stopping by to say hello. I don't think I've ever met anyone who had a passion for life like Mr. McGhee had and he will be badly missed by those who knew him.

I'd like to say thanks to Aunt Norma for the yummy brownies (and that bag was just the cutest thing!) and the candy. I swear people are trying to fatten us up (and we love it!).

Thanks for checking in on us and keep up the prayers.
Till next time....
Cathy


 

Wednesday, January 29, 2003 at 02:54 PM (CST)

Sabrina had chemo yesterday. We changed to Tuesday this week because I had a back Dr. appt and it saved making 2 trips to Cape. She had a cbc done and it appears that this new chemo is effecting her bone marrow more than expected. Everything has dropped and her wbc and platelets were lower than they've been in quite a while. We went ahead and did round 2 even with the counts low but she has to take 2 gcsf shots. This news upset her badly. She's sick of shots and we had no idea they would be needed with this chemo. The chemo went pretty well yesterday until about an hour after it was done. Then the nausea started. Another thing that really wasn't supposed to happen with this chemo. It's a possibility with any chemo but wasn't supposed to be probable with this one. This also upset Sabrina very deeply. She's been through enough of the nausea and yucky feelings caused by chemo and does not want any more of it. At this point she says she does not want any more of that chemo. Not sure what will happen next. I've got to talk to all the Dr.'s. I don't want Sabrina to be sick anymore either and there's no way I'm forcing her to take something she doesn't want to take.

Also yesterday I had another injection in my back for pain. The first one really didn't do much so they did a different kind this time. I guess time will tell if this latest one will help.

My Aunt Corinne was put in the hospital yesterday too. Actually my uncle and my mom took her in the middle of the night on Monday night. She was admitted and put in ICU. She's very very sick so if you could spare some extra prayers for her we would appreciate it. At least yesterday everyone was at the same hospital. I was with Brinie for a while, went to see my Aunt, went back with Brinie, went to have my back thing done and then back to see my Aunt and then home. Sam stayed with me most of the time and Jim stayed with Brinie while my mom stayed with her sister and also came over to be with Brinie some. It was quite and interesting day to say the least.

In the last update I had asked you to pray for our friends Sean and Patty. I would like to ask that same thing again only 10 times more. They made a treatment decision only to have scans done and find out the the cancer has spread to the point that their decision isn't possible anymore. Sean may be starting the same chemo that Sabrina is on now but they aren't sure. Like us, they are running pretty slim on options. Again his web address is: www.caringbridge.com/nj/seanb

I'd like to take this opportunity to thank a few people who have been extra sweet to us the past few days (maybe I'll start trying to do this on a regular basis as so many people are so good to us all the time)....thanks to Aunt Mary and Uncle Dave for the fresh fruit and the valentine flowers, and to Donnie and Shelia for the flowers with the cute frog, and to Penny and Phil for the flowers (this has been flower week :-), and to Aunt Joann and Uncle Bo for the shower chair (don't know what we'd do without that now) and the pie and chili dogs (homemade!!) and to Aunt Helen for the cookies (yea we're getting fat around here) and to my mom for Sunday dinner and for fulfilling Sabrina's request for Strawberry cheesecake, and to my Aunt Corinne for the dinner goodies......I'm sure I have missed someone (please don't be offended...my brain is on half power right now). We are surrounded by caring and love and we really appreciate that. Also thanks to everyone who sent cards. We have some people who send them regularly (you know who you are) and we appreciate them sooo much.

Thanks for checking in on us and for all the prayers and support.
Till next time...
Cathy

Friday, January 24, 2003 at 10:06 PM (CST)

Thought I should update today and let everyone know how things are going. Chemo went pretty smooth Wednesday. Chemo was about the only thing that went smooth that day though. We had to meet with the Dr. that morning and he was, shall I say, a little less than encouraging. I'm pretty fed up with his bedside manner and plan to speak to him about it. He's been a Godsend in many ways but he's beginning to lose all our respect with his attitude. Sabrina needs to be filled with hope and compassion, not doom and gloom and this is what I plan to tell him. At this point switching to another Dr. really isn't a good option and I do believe that he's a good Dr. (as far as Dr.'s in this area go) but that he's just not prepared or equipped to deal with a teen. Anyway after we met with him the chemo was ordered and after waiting for seemed like forever they finally got her started. As I said, that all went very smoothly (thank you God). When we were leaving Sabrina's hip started hurting and the pain was very intense. The Dr. had prescribed new pain meds (that wouldn't effect her liver) so we were trying to get those filled instead of giving her what we had. After going to 2 pharmacies and not being able to get them filled, and Sabrina being in tears from pain I finally just gave her what I had on hand so she could get some relief and then we finally managed to get the pain meds filled at the 3rd pharmacy. So far the chemo hasn't offered any relief from the pain and fatigue but I figure that if it's going to she'll have to get another round or two in before we see a difference. I still believe that it will help and who knows maybe it will exceed our wildest expectations of what it can do for her.

Please keep our family in your prayers and thanks so much for checking in on us. Also please remember Patty and Sean Boyle (and their family) in your prayers. They are facing some very difficult decisions in Seans treatment. Please visit Sean's webpage @ www.caringbridge.com/nj/seanb and sign their guestbook to let them know you are thinking of them.

Cathy

Tuesday, January 21, 2003 at 10:48 AM (CST)

Several of you have emailed or called to ask about the MRI so I thought I should update with what I know. I have only talked to the nurse (usually they know more than the Dr.'s anyway) but according to the report from the radiologist there is no obvious tumor. The report said that there was a hypo intensive area at T1 & T2 but it was "not consistant with malignant cells" and that he would like to compare it to the bone scans results. Also it showed a slight disk protrusion at C6 & C7 but the nurse was unsure if this could effect nerves in her face. If there is a disk protrusion it is most likely from when she played volleyball and has been there for a long time. It's possible that we may know more tomorrow after we see the Dr. but we may still not know the reason for the numbness. The good news is that no tumors showed up. Her face is still numb though and it would be nice to know what's causing it and get it fixed.

Sabrina is having quite a bit more pain lately. It seems to move around from spot to spot. It's fairly controlable with pain meds but comes back as soon as the meds wear off.

We will start the new chemo tomorrow. I hope and pray that it takes all this pain away and gets her back to feeling like doing things and going places.

Thanks for caring,
Cathy

Friday, January 17, 2003 at 08:12 AM (CST)

Please say a special prayer today for Sabrina and our family. She is having an MRI today of her head and neck area. A few days ago Sabrina started having numbness in her bottom lip on the right side (like it feels when you go to the dentist and get a shot). The numbness spread to the right side of her chin and her part of her gums. It could be a couple of things. #1 is a rare, strange side effect of chemo and #2 is a tumor in the ear/neck area that is pressing on a facial nerve. The MRI today is to check for a tumor.

If it is a tumor then she may have to have some radiation to that area to get it off the nerve and if it isn't a tumor then it is just a side effect of something and hope will go away soon.

Please pray.
Cathy

Wednesday, January 15, 2003 at 08:40 AM (CST)

Thought I would write and let you all know what is going on. Or at least what we think will be going on. I spoke with the Dr. in Maryland both via email and on the phone. There really aren't any trials going on out there that Sabrina would qualify for at this point. Most of them require your bone marrow to be at a certain level and hers just isn't there. But...the good news is that there are a few drugs that we can try. Some have more side effects than others and some have shown more promise with rhabdo that others. After discussing all the option we finally decided that a drug called Navelbine might be the best option for now. It's very similar to the vincristine that she was just taken off of as far as side effects go but it has shown some promise in treating recurrent rhabdo. It's not supposed to lower the blood counts a lot and this was a factor in the deciding to try this one. We may add another drug called Accutane a little later. This drug is showing some response in neuroblastoma patients but hasn't been tested a lot in rhabdo (at least I think that's what the Dr. told me). Accutane is not a chemo but was originally designed for very severe acne. It is now being tested on several cancers. It also can have side effects but not like chemo does and they are rare. Sabrina said that she would try anything but that if it started making her sick she wasn't taking it. I totally agree with her and so does the Maryland Dr. At this point there is no sense in her being made sick by any drug.
I'm not sure when this new drug will be started. Dr. Mackall (from Maryland) is going to contact Dr. Yuen and give him the dosage information etc. Hopefully we'll get started no later than next week.

Sabrina is feeling pretty good lately but is still very tired. She just seems to have no energy at all. Dr. Mackall told me yesterday about a new drug that might help that too. We're not sure if Sabrina's insurance will cover it and also Dr. Yuen's nurse said that he has never given this drug so they have to check to see if they can even get it. It's used to treat rheumatoid arthritis and is really helpful with that disease. It's use in the cancer field is that it blocks the chemical (produced by tumor cells) called TNS. When TNS is released into the body it can cause fatigue and loss of appetite. The drug is a TNS-inhibitor which basically means that it has the ability to rid the body of the TNS therefore helping with the lack of energy problem. I really sound like I know what I'm talking about. I'm just basically repeating what was told me to yesterday and hope that I got it all right. Wouldn't hurt to say a little prayer that #1 Dr. Yuen will be able to get this drug and #2 Sabrina insurance will cover it (it's very expensive). I'd love to see her have energy again!

As I said before Sabrina is still feeling good except for the energy thing. We are tentatively planning a little vacation to get away from here for a few days. We aren't making any "set in stone" plans because we want to make sure Sabrina is up for the trip. We'd like to go to Arizona but if it looks like Sabrina won't feel like making that trip then we'll try to just plan a shorter trip to somewhere closer to home. One that might not require so much traveling time.

We had a little mishap with the bird yesterday. I was trying to put him back in his cage when he jumped directly to the floor. Both dogs were right there and they got him. They only wounded him though and it looks like he's going to be ok now. We weren't sure at first though. He has lots of feathers missing but I managed to get the dogs off before they killed him. It was not a pretty site and Sabrina was sooooo upset. I felt like a total heel for not having more control over an animal that weighs less than a pound! Sabrina would have probably never spoken to me again if that bird had died. I'm just thankful that it didn't.

Sam is home for a few days. It's the first time she's been home in quite a while and it's very nice to have her back. She has to go back tomorrow and work the weekend again (if the snow and ice aren't to deep....supposedly we have a storm moving in). If we go on our trip she will be going with us. She has already asked off work and they were very sweet and accommodating to her.

I think that's about it for now from here. Thanks so much for taking time to stop in and check on us. Please keep the prayers coming.
Till next time.....
Cathy
If God leads you to it, HE will lead you through it

Friday, January 10, 2003 at 07:12 AM (CST)

In my last update I told you that Sabrina had scans on the 3rd. We got the results Tuesday and it made me very sorry that she had them done and/or that we had to hear the results. Actually I guess there is good news and bad news. The good news is that the tumor that was around her rib area hasn't grown much (2.5cm to 3.0cm) but the bad news is that on the bone scan several areas are lighting up suggesting that tumor is in these places and that her LDH is up over 3000 again. Also in light of these results the local Dr. feels that the vincristine isn't working so he has opted to stop it. We are not happy about this decision. She wasn't have side effects from it and something is at least keeping the one soft tissue tumor at bay (sort of) so why stop? I guess we have no choice but to do what he says though as this isn't a drug you can just go buy at the drugstore. We are still trying to convince him to start it back up.

I have forwarded all her scan results to the docs in Maryland in hopes that there may be a new study or trial or protocol that Sabrina would qualify for now. I've also emailed them about a few new drugs that I have heard of. They are looking into a few things and will get back to me. We aren't going to get our hopes up alot on this but it can't hurt to keep looking for something.

Yesterday Sabrina and Pearl went to Memphis to see Shauna off to Ireland. Shauna will be studying here this semester. After the trip Sabrina was in pain. Riding that far was hard on her plus I think she is coming down with the flu or some sort of bug as she was feverish all last night and just felt achy all over. She ended up taking pain medicine (something she rarely does). Hopefully this will pass soon. She's got enough going on without getting some stupid flu bug.

Thank you all for all your prayers. Please don't stop now. It really does make a difference when you know you have prayers being said for you daily.

I almost forgot. We have added a new collection to our zoo here. Actually Sabrina has added it. Wednesday she bought a love bird! So we now have the bird, fish, frogs, dogs and cats. Wonder what's next? Poor Vito wants that bird so bad he can't hardly stand it. And everytime he looks at it he licks his lips. It kind of comical but I know it wouldn't be if he got ahold of it!

Hope all of you are doing ok. Thanks so much for checking on us.
Till next time.....
Cathy

Sunday, January 05, 2003 at 04:50 PM (CST)

Hi all. Hope everyone had nice new years eve. Ours was nice. We had a dinner at my parents house with all my dads family. It was nice. We didn't stay until midnight though. We did manage to stay up until midnight though but just barely.

Sabrina had scans on the 3rd. She also got 2 units of blood that day. She was still holding at 9 on hemaglobin but she had been stalled there for over 2 weeks and was just very tired. She feels much better since she was transfused. She has an appt. with the Dr. on Tuesday and that's when we'll get the scan results. We really aren't expecting any huge surprises but a few prayers wouldn't hurt anyway.

Not much else going on here. Sam's been working alot but next week has 3 days off. I have an MRI scheduled for my back on Wednesday. It's not getting any better and I've switched Dr's so he wants to start all over because it's been so long since I've had any tests done.

Thanks for checking in. I'll post again soon with scan results.

Till next time....
Cathy
"If God leads you to it, HE will lead you through it"

Thursday, December 26, 2002 at 08:01 AM (CST)

Christmas is over and ours was so very sweet and special this year. We hope that yours was too.

We had one of the best Christmas's ever (I think we say that every year :-). Ours had some very funny moments also. Like when my mom got me the exact same thing that Jim did (but it's ok cause my cousin wanted one and I had two...worked out real nice) and when we gave Jim his big screen and we were all so excited to see his reaction and his reaction was silence. We weren't sure if he liked it or hated it. Found out real quick though when we got home and he was in awe of all the hookup thingys (and yes that's the techincal term) on the back. He later said that his reaction came from him being in shock because he truly had no idea. Then on Christmas morning the girls were dumping their stocking and I had put Sam's stuff in Brinie's and Brinie's stuff in Sams! Oh and it gets better...Trav opened his PS2 game (my kids really are grown....) and the game that he unwrapped was for a gamecube (which will not work on his system) and we realized that the one I bought for him was in New Jersey. I had sent the wrong game to my friend Patty's son Sean and had kept Sean's game to give to Trav! Needless to say, Trav was very surprised at what he got ;-).

Besides all the blunders that I made (which made us laugh) we had a very nice Christmas. Christmas eve we had such a good time at my parents. That's a tradition that the whole family looks forward to every year. We go to mom and dads, eat a huge meal and then open gifts. Justin is usually so excited that we can hardly get him to eat! After we opened gifts we played bingo. It wouldn't matter what we did it's just always a much anticipated, very good night filled with tradition! Trav spent the night with us on Christmas eve and it just felt so right to have all my kids here on Christmas morning. We had a very laid back morning and that was so nice. The girls spent Christmas afternoon with their Granny and Uncle. They had a really good time their too. Jim and I went to Jay and Betty's for Christmas dinner. It was good to see all his family too.

I am so thankful for this Christmas season and for the love and caring of my family. Even if there had been no material gifts for me I would have been very content because my gift is my family and nothing can top that one.

We hope that you had a blessed Christmas also. As always thank you for checking on us and please never ever stop praying.

Cathy

Tuesday, December 24, 2002 at 09:24 AM (CST)

It's Christmas Eve. And the magic of Christmas is in the air. The kids are so excited (yep, even the big ones) and I'm doing all the last minute wrapping and cooking that I need to get done. The dogs just got their baths and even they seem excited. It's like they know something is going on they just can't figure out what. Tonight we go to my parents for our traditional holiday festivities which is usually the highlight of our Christmas (along with Christmas morning opening gifts and having our traditional waffles for breakfast).

It's so hard to believe that this year is almost gone and that the year 2003 is just around the corner. Why is it that time passes so fast as you get older? I guess that's just a part of life.

I look back on the last year and see so many memories that will be cherished for a lifetime. I think of all the friends we've made. Friends that are like now and forever a part of our family. It's amazing when you go through what we've been through how quicly a bond can form with people who are going through similiar things. And when you go through what we have it's also amazing at what you learn from it. You learn things like who your "real" friends and family are and what is and is not important in life. I could go on and on but I won't.

Sabrina is still doing pretty good. She's been more tired than normal lately but she's also done alot of running with her friends lately so that could be why. She had labs done yesterday and her hgb is low but not low enough for a transfusion. They actually gave her a choice as to whether or not to get blood and she said forget it. (she hates getting blood). If she doesn't seem to have any more energy by the end of the week they may still transfuse her. She's looking very forward to tonight and tomorrow. Both the girls are still like little kids when it comes to Christmas (and I love it!).

Sam is home until Saturday. She rarely gets to be home for that many days in a row so I'm very happy about that. When she goes back Saturday she has to work several days in a row. She has to work on New Years eve (overnight) which she's not real excited about. But seeing that her boss let her off for 3 days at Thanksgiving and this whole week she/we can't complain.

Today is Jim's birthday. He's 39 again ;-).

Thanks for checking in on us! We hope you have a wonderful Holiday.
Till next time.....
Cathy

ps I want to say a very special Merry Christmas to my friend Tena and her family from Jamaica. They are in Maryland for Christmas but for the first time in 6 months they are together as a family. Merry Christmas Tena, Taniesha, Kay and Michael!

Tuesday, December 17, 2002 at 07:19 AM (CST)

Merry Christmas! It's that time of year again. The time when we all come together as families and celebrate the birth of Christ. The real reason for Christmas sometimes gets lost in the shuffle of buying gifts, Christmas parties, etc... but this year please take moment to say "thanks" to God for giving us the gift of all gifts.

We have been busy getting ready for the holiday. Like everyone else we've been shopping and wrapping and tagging and then shopping some more. Everytime I go shopping I say "that's it...I'm done now" and then I think of something else. Sound familiar? I really do think I'm about done. There's always something else I could buy but if Christmas came tomorrow I'd be ready. Except I don't have my baking done yet. I tell myself that we really don't need all those sweets and then I make a ton of them anyway. It's just part of the tradition (the yummy part).

Sabrina had labs done yesterday. During the holidays we are going to do them on Monday's instead of Tuesdays. Her cbc looked about the same as last week. No LDH was done this week so I assume it will be next week. Her hemaglobin was down just a bit so please say little prayer that she doesn't need blood next week. Because if she does then that's what we'll be doing on Christmas eve. Hopefully that won't be the case though.

Sabrina asked me to tell everyone to please please sign the guestbook. She looks about everyday to see whose signed it. She really enjoys reading your messages.

I will try to update at least one more time before Christmas but in case I don't get to it.....Merry Christmas to all of you! May 2003 bring good health, happiness and prosperity.

Thanks for checking on us. And please keep up the prayers.
Till next time.....
Cathy
"If GOD leads you to it, HE will lead you through it"

Wednesday, December 11, 2002 at 08:13 AM (CST)

Hi again. I know those of you who check the webpage daily or freguently will be shocked that I'm doing 2 updates this close together.

Just wanted to report how Sabrina's appointment went yesterday. It actually went pretty well. I was disappointed that her LDH level is up again. Not as high as it was in Maryland but still up much higher than we want it to be. Surprisingly the rest of her counts looked pretty good. They weren't anywhere near normal but they are still holding steady and she didn't need blood this week. For that we are thankful.

Dr. Yuen wants to do his own scans. At first we were against it but after speaking to him yesterday we can understand why he needs to do them. He's taking over her care after 4 years and only records that came from somewhere else. So he'd like to have some of his own to compare to everyone else's therefore we agreed. He wants to continue the vincristine since Sabrina is tolerating amazingly well. We believe it's helping and were not in favor of stopping it so this was good news.

Dr. Yuen was amazed at how good Sabrina looks and feels. He said she is truly an amazing young woman. Nothing we didn't already know ;-).

We stayed in Cape last night because I have an appt. with my back Dr. today. I'm seeing a new Dr. now and he just needs me to touch base every once in a while.

We decorated the Cape house for Christmas last night. Sabrina and I thought that Sam needed decorations up for when she is here. It looks really cute.

I guess that's about it from here. Thanks so much for caring enough to check on us and we hope you have a really good day and rest of the week.

One more thing before I close. I know this is short notice but I wanted to tell anyone who might be thinking about ordering candles from Annie's for Christmas that tomorrow (Thursday the 12th) is the deadline for ordering for this year. She might give us a day or two extension but if you are thinking about ordering candles it needs to be done now. As always you can order directly from Annie (www.anniesflowerandscents.com....please remember to put REP #002 in the shipping comments section) or you can email me with your order. I have an order going out tomorrow so if any of the local people want to order I can put it with mine and save you $$ on shipping. Annie's will not reopen until February so if you need anything please let me know now.

Hugs to everyone,
Cathy

"IF GOD LEADS YOU TO IT, HE WILL SEE YOU THROUGH IT"

Monday, December 09, 2002 at 09:22 AM (CST)

Hello everyone. Hope you had a good weekend. Ours was nice. Sabrina made it home Friday night from Kirksville. She had a really good time and while she was up there she learned to crochet! She made me a really nice warm scarf and is making another one right now.

We put up our tree and finished decorating the inside of the house Saturday and Jim finished putting up the outside lights Sunday. The ice/snow storm last week kind of slowed him down on his outside decorating. Aunt Joann got us one of those big blow up santa's for the front yard. It all looks really nice.

Not alot to report on the medical front. Sabrina seems to be having a little more pain in her side lately. I pray that that will go away!!! I know it's really hurting because she doesn't complain or take pain meds unless it's really bad. Please pray with me that this is just temporary.

We go to Cape tomorrow to see Dr. Yuen. I think it's just a checkup. He had mentioned doing scans but that was before I got him the scan reports from Maryland. We really don't see the need for scans right now and Sabrina doesn't want them done so.... He also mentioned stopping the vincristine for a while. We don't like this idea either. She missed it last week because she was gone but I believe it's helping and don't see the need to stop it when she's not having any side effects from it at all. I guess we'll cross that bridge too if he brings it up again. We really miss our dr's and nurses in Maryland. We love Dr. Yuen's nurse and I guess he's ok (and we are thankful to have someone local) but he's an adult oncologist and we are used to the pediatric ones. The difference between the two is like daylight and dark!

Some of you may remember me talking about Sabrina's little friend Randy in Maryland. He's 7 and had a brain tumor. He also thinks Sabrina hung the moon. Well as of Saturday Randy has a little brother. His name is James Lee and the Lee is after Sabrina! Isn't that cool!!! That's the ultimate honor as far as I'm concerned. We are hoping they will get to come see us soon. Jennifer had to have a c-section so it will prob. be after the holidays before she feels like traveling. We can't wait to see them again and to meet little baby James Lee.

I guess that's about it from here. Thanks so much for taking time to check on us. And as always please keep the prayers coming.

Till next time.....
Cathy
"If GOD leads you to it, HE will see you through it"

Monday, December 02, 2002 at 07:41 AM (CST)

It's update time again. Hope you all had a great Holiday weekend. We seemed to be on the run the entire time but we really had a nice weekend. The Trans Siberian Orchestra was really great! It was different than we expected but it was a good different. I enjoyed the music but I think I enjoyed the light show about as much.

Sabrina skipped having to have blood this week. Maybe the procrit is working! Or maybe all the supplements we have her on are kicking in. I'm not sure what is working but I'm not complaining. She is in Kirksville right now with Shauna. One of the guys off Animal Planet is going to be in Kirksville this week and Sabrina really wanted to see him so she went. I think she will be home Wednesday evening but there was some talk of her staying all week so we'll see.

I think that's about it from here. Everything is going good and for that we are thankful. We have started decorating for Christmas. Jim got the outside lights up on the house yesterday. I plan to get some more done today. I think we are about done with our shopping too.

Please continue to pray for our family. I've said this many times and I mean it every time.....I don't know where we'd be without your prayers.

Thanks for checking in.
Till next time........
Cathy
"If GOD leads you to it, HE will lead you through it"

ps Please say a special prayer for our friends Ashley and Deanna and their family. This is a family we met in Maryland (they are from Louisiana) and they just found out that Ashley has relapsed again (I think this is the third time). They need all the prayers they can get!

Monday, November 25, 2002 at 08:21 AM (CST)

Hi to everyone. First I'd like to say that I hope everyone who reads this page (and even those who don't ;-) have a great Thanksgiving this week filled with family, food and laughter. This is a time to reflect on what we have to be thankful for. I know that I have so much to be thankful for. I have some very dear friends who are having to sit down at their table this year and look at an empty seat because God has called their angels home. I'm thankful that I don't have to do that. I'm thankful for so many things. I won't go into it all here or this would be 3 pages long!

Everything has been going pretty good. We all starte to get a flu bug/ sinus bug or somthing like that last week so we got on antibiotice immediately. Sam let hers go too long and it developed into full blown bronchitis. She was pretty sick for a few days. Instead of her coming home on her 2 days off last week Sabrina and I went up there to take care of her. We had a nice time even though everyone was a little puney. We actually managed to get some Christmas shopping done. That was fun. We got home Thursday night and things have been pretty uneventful since then. Sabrina's shingles are just about gone. I'm afraid she may have some scarring from them but I'm hoping it will go away. Poor kid looks like she's fought in a war already because she has so many "battle" scars. I guess in a way she has fought in a war....just not one that makes the headlines. I've said it before and I'll say it again...people need to know about childhood cancer but because it's something that is so painful to hear about it's tucked neatly under a rug and only let out for the public to view on "special" occasions. I could preach on that subject but I won't.

We are having Thanksgiving dinner here at our house. Right now it looks like there will be 12 or 13 of us here. The more the merrier as far as I'm concerned. I love having lots of family around at Thanksgiving. Friday after Thanksgiving we are going to see the Trans Siberian Orchestra in St. Louis. I think that will be fun as none of us have ever really been to anything like that. Sabrina has always wanted to go to something like that so we just decided to do it. It's a classical orchestra with some rock musicians added and they tell a Christmas story in their performance. Should be quite a treat for all of us.

I think that's about it from here. We hope you have a good week and a great Thanksgiving.
Till next time....
Cathy
"If GOD leads you to it, HE will see you through it"

Monday, November 18, 2002 at 09:23 PM (CST)

Time for an update. I just realized that I haven't updated since last weekend so thought I'd let ya know what kind of week we had. It seems like alot has happened this week.

I mentioned in the last update that Sabrina had a rash. Well the rash turned out to be shingles. By the time she got back from Maryland they has spread all the way around her right side in the mid section of her body. She started on medicine Monday. It has kept them from spreading but they are still there in full force. We think they are starting to heal as they are hurting more and itching more the past couple of days. I got an aveeno bath for her to take last night and that seemed to help. She's been pretty miserable off and on all week.

Tuesday we went to Cape for an appointment with Dr. Yuen (the local oncologist who is treating Sabrina now). He pretty much went over everything we already knew. They did labs and her LDH is up which could be caused by a number of things. It's still not as high as it was in Maryland though. And her platelets are up which is a good thing. But her red blood cells (hemaglobin aka hgb) were down so she had to have a transfusion on Wednesday. We spent the night in Cape at the girls house. It was kind of like a girls night out. My mom went with us and we rented a movie and ordered take out. Wednesday was very long as it always is when getting blood. Because of shingles Sabrina got a private room (which she actually liked) and we all just hung out in there with her. We even splurged on My Daddy's Cheesecake that afternoon. After getting 2 units of blood Sabrina felt much better and we managed to get a little shopping in. We were all worn out though by the time we got home.

Shauna is in the weekend so Sabrina is out with her tonight. They went to a high school play and then are going to catch the opening night of the new Harry Potter movie. Sam has to work 6 days in a row so we won't be seeing her till next week. Poor kid got off at 5 this morning and had to go back in at 4 this afternoon.

Jim got the fence done in our back yard. It's so nice to be able to just let the dogs out the back door. They are a little spoiled (ok they are alot spoiled) though and they still would rather I go out with them. We are working on that one.

I think that's about it from here. Please keep us in your prayers and pray that these shinges don't last long. We thank you so much for your prayers. I believe that prayer is one of the most powerful medical tools known to man.

Thanks so much for checking on us and we hope you have a good weekend and good week next week.
Till next time.....
Cathy
"If God leads you to it, HE will lead you through it"

Sunday, November 10, 2002 at 08:16 AM (CST)

Update time again. If you are reading this you have no doubt seen the new addition to Sabrina's webpage. I saw this on a friend's caringbridge page and just thought it was so neat. It took me forever but I finally got it done. Hope you like it.

Sabrina is in Springfield as I type. She will be home this afternoon. She debated on whether or not to go because she can tell that her hgb is low (she gets dizzy sometimes) but then at the last minute decided to go ahead and try it. I knew she'd been in good hands over there so I didn't have a problem with it (not that that would have stopped her or anything anyway ;-). She has so sort of weird rash going on in an area where she has had radiation. We go to Cape Tuesday for a checkup with the local oncologist so I guess we'll find out then what it is. She says it doesn't hurt and only itches a little but it's spreading. Hopefully it can be easily treated and she can get rid of it.

It's been way to quiet around here this weekend. Sabrina took Titus with her so that made it extra quiet. Thank goodness Samantha came home yesterday! She and I steam cleaned carpets yesterday. We didn't do them all but just hit the worse area's. Jim started on fencing in the back yard this weekend too. If we have any pretty weather next week he may be able to get it done (if it will quit raining long enough for him to pour the concrete around the posts. I've been wanting this done for a while so that I can just let the dogs out the back door and not have to worry about them. We are fencing a pretty big area so now next Spring I'll have to dress it all up with small plant gardens and things like that. Mainly though it will be sooo nice to not have to go out into the freezing morning and walk the dogs!

That's about it from here. Thanks for checking in on us and we hope you are doing ok. Please continue to pray as there is no doubt that prayer is a big part of the reason Sabrina has been doing as well as she has.
Till next time....
Cathy
"If GOD leads you to it, HE will lead you through it"

Tuesday, November 05, 2002 at 08:33 PM (CST)

Hi. Thought it was time for an update. We hope that everyone had a good weekend and a good (and safe) Halloween. Things are still going pretty good here. Sabrina continues to feel good and to go and do all she wants to. Saturday she, Trav and Justin went to Cape and Trav got a new dog. He adopted her from the humane society. I think he felt left out because we've got Vito and Titus :-). That day kind of wore Sabrina out but it would have me too as it was a long day. When they got back we all went to Trav's and Sabrina and Trav fixed supper. Sunday we had a nice day visiting with company. Denny and Sheila came by, then Theresa and the kids dropped in. Also one of Sabrina's old friends from high school showed up just out of the blue Sunday. He was here again last night too. That was a nice surprise for her.
Today she had labs done. Some things were down but overall everything still looks pretty good. There's a good chance that she'll be needing more blood next week as her hgb is dropping again. We'll just have to wait and see. She does seem to be tiring out a little faster than normal and that's another sign of low hemoglobin. This weekend she plans to go to Springfield with Trav to get some furniture at Donnie and Shelia's. I think they are leaving Friday night and coming back Sunday. She's looking forward to it.
Tonight we went to a toy drive that my cousin Billie has every year in memory of her son Zach who was killed in a car accident 2 years ago. Today was Zach's 9th birthday. Billie, if you are reading this I just want you to know that I think what you are doing is GREAT and that you are one SUPER Mom. Billie is also the one that had the candle party for me a couple of weeks ago. Thanks for that too sweetie.
Speaking of the candle stuff.....I have all the items that weren't sold at the party here at my house now (Billie kept them till tonight and was still selling stuff as I was packing it all up!). I have some things that would make nice little Christmas gifts or stocking stuffers. Most of what I have are the gift items but there are a few candles. I can also still order candles and gift items for anyone wanting any. If you are thinking about candles for Christmas you prob. need to get your order in no later than the end of November and earlier if possible.

Sam is working at a Quiz Bowl tourney tonight. She was really looking forward to it as she used to be on the Quiz Bowl team. Tomorrow night she has to work in Jackson and then again Friday then she has the rest of the weekend off. I'm sure she's looking forward to that too.

That's about it from us. We are all very tired of this dreary, cloudy, depressing weather we've been having. I am ready for some sunshine!
Thanks so much for checking in on us and thank you for all your prayers.
Till next time...
Cathy
"If GOD leads you to it, HE will lead you through it"

Thursday, October 31, 2002 at 06:31 AM (CST)

Good news. This weeks labs showed Sabrina's counts to be up! Her platelets were 52,000 (up from 36,000 last week) and her hgb is 11.2 (up from 7.5 last week but the transfusion she had might be adding to that one....that's ok though). Also her LDH levels are down to 934 (from 3300 while we were in Maryland, normal is 200 something). The LDH was the marker for the bone marrow involvement. What does all this mean? Who knows. What I think it means is that the cancer cells have slowed down considerably which is exactly what we had hoped for. She continues to feel really good and is bored out of her mind! We are all a little stir crazy I think. Night before last we went bowling and had a blast! We decided we looked kind of like the Flintstones out there (we are all pretty bad). Jim was Fred, I was Pebbles, Sam was Wilma, Trav was Barney and Brinie was Bam Bam. It's a long story and I guess you kind of had to be there to get it. We all got a really good laugh out of it though. Today Mom is taking the girls and I to Prisella's to have lunch and I think we are going to do a little shopping. Sam has to work tonight so I suspect that Sabrina will be even more bored tonight without Sam here to pick on.

I think that's about it for now. Thanks for checking on us and keep up the prayers! Prayer is just so powerful!!
Till next time.....
Cathy
"If GOD leads you to it, HE will lead you through it"

Monday, October 28, 2002 at 12:42 PM (CST)

Update time again. Hope you all had a good weekend. We did. Donnie, Shelia, Amber and Ben were here all weekend. It was nice seeing you guys and getting to visit with you.

The weather here is dreary though and that makes us all tired.

Sabrina is still feeling really good (Praise the LORD) and continues to go and do all she wants. We went to Cape Saturday with our company and she even went to the candle/gift party with us Friday night. We'll have labs done again tomorrow to see how things are looking.

I would like to say a special thank you to Billie for having a really nice party. The food was great and she had several people there. All in all I thought it was a success.

I have our family picture proofs in. I tried to figure out how to make a link where you could see all of them that I scanned into the computer but to no avail. So if you'd like to see them just email me and I'll send you a link.

I guess that's about all for now. Thanks so much for checking on us and please please keep up the prayers.

Till next time....
Cathy
"If GOD leads you to it, HE will lead you through it"

Thursday, October 24, 2002 at 08:43 AM (CDT)

Well it's Thursday. Another week almost gone. This has been a fairly good week. The home health nurse came Tuesday. That went pretty good (except that she had to access SAbrina's port twice because she forgot to draw the blood before deaccessing her ). Sabrina's hemaglobin was low Tuesday so yesterday we spent the day in Cape getting blood (for almost 7 hours!). After she got blood her color improved and she seemed to feel better. I think she's been low for quite a while and getting blood always helps her to feel better. When we were finished at the clinic we went over to the girls house and loaded up most of Sabrina's stuff. We filled up my truck, mom and dad's truck and Sam's car but I think we got most of it. It was interesting trying to bring the aquarium home! But we made it and so far all the fish are still living.

Tomorrow night my cousin is having a candle/gift party for me. We had planned this before our Maryland trip so we are going to go ahead and do it as I had ordered several things for the party.

We've got company coming in for the weekend. With that and the party it looks like a pretty busy weekend. That's a good thing.

That's it from here for now. Please don't ever stop praying for us.
Till next time....
Cathy
"If GOD leads you to it, HE will see you through it"

Monday, October 21, 2002 at 08:28 AM (CDT)

Thought some of you might like to have an update so here goes....
Things are still going good here. Sabrina continues to feel good and had a really good weekend. We all had a good weekend. She has trouble standing for a long time (gets dizzy) but that's not slowing her down much. Shauna (her best friend) was in for the weekend. That made things really nice for Sabrina. And having Sam here too is a blessing. I know that Sabrina would get really tired of just me and Jim real quick!

Saturday it rained but that didn't stop us from getting our pictures done (just no outside ones like we wanted). We really had fun doing the pictures. From getting ready (doing hair, trading shoes...etc.) to the actual pictures. Justin was a huge ham (wanted to be in every picture :-) and we even took the dogs for a few pictures. That was interesting to say the least (wasn't too cool when Titus..the puppy...pooped on one of the back drops. We think that he thought it was a huge puppy pad!). When we had all we wanted Swafford (the photographer) had film left so he decided he would do some of just the dogs. That was hillarious! We should have some really good pictures and I can't wait to see them.

Sunday was harvest day at church and we went for the services, lunch and then the afternoon festivities. Sabrina, Ande and I sang Amazing Grace. That was the first time I'd ever had the priviledge of singing with Sabrina. She has such a beatiful voice! It was nice to sing in church again too. Then last night Sabrina, Samantha, Darrick and Keith all went to the movies. They seemed to have a good time.

Tomorrow the nurse from Option Care will be here. It's like a home health agency. They will come out and draw blood and give Sabrina the vincristine. If her counts are low (which could be the cause of her dizziness) then we may be in Cape Wednesday getting blood and/or platlets. We'll just have to wait and see.

The support we continue to receive is still overwhelming. In a world where there seems to be little kindness and love anymore there are times when you get to see first hand that all is not bad. There is still so much good here.

I'd like to say a special thanks to my Sunday School class who brought out a really great dinner Saturday. You guys are so sweet and thoughtful (and really good cooks!). there are so many more that I need to thank. Just know that every word, deed, prayer and kind thought are appreciated soooo much.

Thanks for checking in. If you have time please sign the guestbook. We love reading the entries.

Till next time.....
Cathy
"If GOD leads you to it, HE will lead you through it"

Thursday, October 17, 2002 at 08:07 AM (CDT)

We are home now. We got in Monday night. Sabrina is still feeling pretty good and that is such a blessing. She's starting to have some back pain and seems more tired the past few days but overall she's doing really good. She had her first vincristine injection Tuesday. She and Sam went to Cape to get a few things from the house and do a little shopping and then to see the Dr. She told me she's so tired of Dr.'s offices and hospitals but since she still has to have blood work weekly she will still take the vincristine.

Both the girls have dropped their classes for this semester. Sam is going to try and keep working for now (more for something to do than for the money) but dropped her classes because she wants to spend her time here with Sabrina. We all want to do that. With both girls living back here now (which I am enjoying every second of) we also now have inherited the new puppy as a resident. Vito is jealous of the little one but they are so cute together. They are also very sensitive and loving and are a very good distraction right now. They are both sleeping with Sabrina as I type this.

I am overwhelmed by the support that has been given and offered to us. So many people have contacted us offering prayers and support in any way. We appreciate it so much. Especially the prayers. We need so many prayers right now. I am still praying for a miracle. I just don't know how to thank everyone for everything. Some are fixing meals, some are buying groceries and running errands and almost everyone has offered to do anything we need or want done. I am so touched by this outpouring of love and support.

We are getting family pictures taken on Saturday. This is something that I really wanted to do and I'm so glad it's going to work out for us.

Please continue to lift us up in prayer. I will try my best to keep the website up-to-date.
Till next time...
Cathy
"If GOD leads you to it, HE will see you through it"

Sunday, October 13, 2002 at 04:55 PM (CDT)

this is so hard. day before yesterday the hospital called and said that we had to be admitted because Sabrina's LDH level was very high (norm is in the 200's and hers was 3300) and also her uric acid was high. this could cause major kidney damage so we were admitted. a bone marrow biopsy was scheduled for the next morning to see what was going on to make these levels so high. premiliminary results were back very quickly.

Sabrina's bone marrow has cancer cells in it. It has alot of them. There is nothing that can be done now to offer a cure for her and so we will be going home tomorrow. She will start weekly injections of vincristine and hopefully this will slow the progression of the tumor cells some. this will help in keeping her out of pain and will delay the need for transfusions. there's no guarantee that the vincristine will help but no reason to believe that it won't. it's not a cure but more of a pallative measure and hopefully will allow us more time with our sweet daughter.

I can even put into words what and how we are feeling. I'm trying very hard not to be angry or bitter as this would just use up precious energy that I want to use for my family and for spending time with Sabrina.

Thanks to everyone who played a part in helping us along this road. And a special people at the Childrens Inn. It's been our home away from home. And also to all the Dr.'s and nurses at NIH. All of you will also have a special place in our hearts.

I will write more after we are home. Please pray for strength for all of us.
Cathy

Friday, October 11, 2002 at 01:40 PM (CDT)

Some of you already know....but for those who don't here's the latest news.

There is a spot about the size of the end of your thumb just above her liver and just under the lung. it's close to the area of the last tumor but not the exact same spot. We will be having a biopsy on Tuesday and then will fly home Wednesday. They said that they can't say for sure what it is until the biopsy results are back but with Sabrina's history they have a pretty good guess.

We are numb. We have no idea what is next.

Please pray.

Cathy

Friday, October 04, 2002 at 07:57 PM (CDT)

Hello all. I know that several of you are checking in regularly now to see how things are going (and you have no idea what that means to us:-). So here's the latest.

I actually have good news. The celebrex seems to be taking care of the pain (PRAISE THE LORD). Her arm is still swollen....no more than it was but no less either. I'm hoping that will change over the weekend and the swelling will be gone. She isn't wearing the sling constantly now and drove her truck today (first time since Saturday). So seems that things are getting better. We still don't know what caused it and whether or not the celebrex is fixing it or masking something but right now the main thing is that she is almost out of pain. We may have answers next week when she has scans (scans can show a number of things) or we may never know what it was. Please continue to keep us in your prayers.

I will post again soon. I might wait until we are in Maryland and have scan results (which will be next Thursday or Friday).

Thanks so much for all your prayers and support! And thanks for checking on us.
Till next time.....
Cathy
"If GOD leads you to it, HE will see you through it"

Wednesday, October 02, 2002 at 06:33 PM (CDT)

I was hoping to be able to have good news today. Instead I have no news. Sabrina saw the Dr. yesterday and he thought that maybe since the problem is in her left arm and her port is on the left side of her chest that the port might be clogged somewhat and causing the blood not to flow freely to the arm. So today they did a test to check the port. They ran dye in it and did an Xray. The port is fine but her arm still hurts. She's still able to go to class and the pain still seems worse at night (maybe from trying to use the arm during the day??). We were hopeful that the problem was the port and we'd get it fixed today. Now we are just back to square one.

The Maryland Dr. said to put her back on the Celebrex and see what that does. Hopefully it will help the inflammation and ease the pain. I feel a little guilty for taking her off of it because it was just a week later that this problem started. But I was trying to do anything to help get her platelets back up (didn't help though). At any rate I'm hoping that it will help with the pain (actually I'm hoping that it takes it away completely!) and then next week we should have answers to this mystery (we go to Maryland next week for scans). It could be any number of things but I just hate not knowing and I hate seeing her in pain!! It just doesn't seem right after all she's been through.

Please continue to keep us in your prayers and thanks for checking in.
Cathy
"If God leads you to it, HE will lead you through it"

Monday, September 30, 2002 at 08:50 PM (CDT)

Update time. I don't know where to start. I guess I should have read my last update first so I could see where I left off.

I'll just use this update to tell you all about last night. It started yesterday (well actually a few days ago). For the last few days Sabrina has been experiencing strange pains in various places on her body. Never really settled anywhere but seemed to be in her shoulders and neck more than anywhere else. The Dr. thought it might be a virus. Then yesterday after church I talked to her to see how she was feeling and she said that she had had a really weird pain in her left arm. Said that she was even having trouble gripping things with that hand. She took some tylenol. She called me a few hours later and said that it was really hurting now so I suggested she take a pain pill (she had needed one a few nights last week to help her sleep because of the mystery mobile pain). About 10:00p.m. she called me back and said she was in really bad pain (it had her in tears so I know it was bad) in that arm and it was shooting upwards from the bend of her elbow. Sam was at work. I called Sam at work and asked her to go home to check on her and packed Jim and I a bag and we headed up there. When Sam got home Sabrina was a little better (she finally took a pain pill and it was kicking in) but she was still in alot of pain. So they headed to the ER. After waiting 3 hours to be seen in the ER (they were really busy) she finally got in. They did an Xray and some sort of really indepth ultrasound of her arm. Neither of them showed anything wrong. So around 6 a.m. she was discharged with a new script for pain meds and instructed that if it persisted to go see Dr. Yuen (the local oncologist). I stayed up there all day. Sabrina said her arm felt better today and she went to her afternoon class (slept through her morning class for some reason??? ;-). Then tonight right after I got home she called again and said it was starting to hurt like it did last night only now it also had a burning sensation to it. So tomorrow I guess we'll go see Dr. Yuen and let him look her over real good to see if he can figure anything out. It's just so weird how it just started all of a sudden and out of the blue like it did.

Her platelets are still low (49,000 last night) so she's not on the maintenance therapy right now. I will update more when I have more to tell.

Please say a special prayer for us that they are able to figure this out and she can get back to her happy "pain free" life.
Thanks,
Cathy
p.s. Sabrina asked me to ask anyone who reads this to sign the guestbook. She checks it regularly and likes to see new posts there occasionally. Thanks :-)

"If GOD leads you to it, HE will see you through it"

Sunday, September 22, 2002 at 10:54 PM (CDT)

Hi everyone. Just a quick update (it's late and I'm very tired!). Things are still going good here. Poor Jim has been sick off and on for the past month (cold, flu, sinus, allergies???). He gets better then wham...it's back again. He could use some prayers and a really strong man to carry him to the Dr. (or force him to go :-).

The girls are good. We/they have a new addition to the family. He weighs about 4 pounds, he's black and brown and so adorable. Yep you guessed it...he's a dog. He's a 10 week old miniture dachsund and his new mommies are Sam and Brinie (poor dog....just kidding girls :-).

Sabrina is still battling the platelets. She has been off the chemo part of her therapy for over 10 days now and she's just at 59,000 (lower than she was 10 days ago). So she and I have decided that she needs to take a break on the celebrex part also and see if that helps any. I just don't get it.....

Other than Jim being sick we are ok. We went to Ambers wedding this weekend in Eureka Srings. Very nice wedding and very cool town. Denny and Sheila went with us. We really had a good time and it was nice to get away. Luckily Jim felt ok all weekend. But as soon as we got home it hit him again. Hopefully he'll feel better tomorrow.

That's about it from us. Hope everyone is doing good. As always, thanks for checking in and keep us in your prayers.
Till next time....
Cathy
"If God leads you to it, HE will lead you through it"

Monday, September 16, 2002 at 08:52 AM (CDT)

Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
Haapppyyy Birth....day Dear B-r-i-n-i-eeeee
Happy birthday to you
(and Maaannny more).

Love,
Mom

Thursday, September 12, 2002 at 08:06 AM (CDT)

Today is the 12 of September. And ordinary day...except for the fact the it follows the 11th day of September, a date that will go down in history and that, as long as there are people here who were alive that date in 2001, will be forever etched in our minds. I have dates etched in my mind too. Not dates that the whole world knows about and not dates that most could quote. These are dates the pertain to words coming out of people mouths, Dr.'s mouths, telling me that my/our lives would be forever changed. They were right. We are different now. We've been to hell and back and we have no idea what our future holds but this I do know....TODAY is a very good day. There have been times in our past when I didn't know if I'd ever get to say that. But by the GRACE of GOD I am able to say it and it just feels so good. Please continue to remember us in your prayers and please remember our country and it's leaders also.

On a little lighter note ;-), We are still doing good. Sabrina's platelets have dropped below the "magic" mark once again. This is no surprise and we actually have come to expect it now. She is on day 10 of a 21 day cycle of maintenance therapy and will stop now until she's over the "mark" again at which point she'll start again for 11 days and then stop again for her regular break that usually lasts about twice as long as it's supposed to. She's doing sooo good though. She's still enjoying her new house and school and just life in general. Sam is still going strong too. Working a little more than I like but doing just fine. The girls are getting along great (I'm typing that quietly so as not to jinx anything ) and this weekend we'll be celebrating Sabrina's 19th birthday! We're having a cake and ice cream party at our house on Sunday afternoon if anyone wants to drop by.

I'd like to say a special "THANK YOU" to all of you who helped make my candle / gift party a success. And to all of you who have helped me get off the ground with this. I hope to keep this going for a very long time, so for those of you who didn't get to come to the party (or have no idea what I talking about) you can email me or drop by. I will always have things in stock if you need a quick gift (I'm turning my game room into a store!!) or if you live away and need or want to order anything let me know and I'll take care of it for you. This a top quality line of candles and gifts and I'm happy to be involved in it. Of course my MAIN reason for being involved at all is to help raise money for Childhood cancer Research. I want to be a part of helping to find a cure for this beast and I can't think of a better (or more fun) way to do it!!

When you are saying your prayers please remember our Travis. He's having some problems right now and needs to be lifted up. Also remember Jan and Colin. They are friends from my support group and Colin (5) just relapsed with leukeimia. We've just got to stop this beast. Some way, some how we've got to stop it!

That's about it from us. We will be heading back to Maryland soon (October 9th) so pray hard for clean scans. Thanks for checking on us and we hope today is as good for you as it is for us :-).
Till next time.....
Cathy
"If GOD leads you to it, HE will lead you through it"

Friday, August 30, 2002 at 08:16 PM (CDT)

Hello all. Hope this finds all of you fine and looking forward to a relaxed Labor Day weekend. We don't have any big plans (which is a nice thing). Just going to hang around the house and do some things here.

Sabrina had her labs done yesterday and she's up enough to start back on the maintenance therapy (PTL). I'm hoping that her body will get more used to this and it will stop making her counts drop. But I don't want it to get used to it enough that it doesn't work in regards to keeping her in remission (we'll take the low counts over that any day!!). Her platelets were 77,000 yesterday. So she just barely made it!
She and Shauna are headed to Conway, AR right now to see Pearline. They are getting a kind of late start for my liking but I suppose that's kids for ya. They will prob. be back tomorrow night and Brinie is spending the rest of the weekend with us. Sam is coming down Sunday too so it will be nice to have them both at home. School is going good for them. I think Sam is already loaded down with homework (fun fun) but other than that it seems to be going ok. Sabrina told me that she made an A on her first Biology quiz. She was excited :-).

I'm gearing up for my party. Got my candles in today (I want to keep them all!). I have one more box of non candle goodies coming in and then I'll be all set. I'm having it on the 7th. I'm still very excited to be doing this (and I'm having fun with it).
I'd like to say a huge thanks to those of you who have been ordering from me. Feel free to tell everyone else what you think about the things you you ordered :-).

That's it from our house. Still a little to quiet here to suit me but I guess I'll get used to it.

Again, have a SAFE and happy Labor Day.
Till next time......
Cathy
"If God leads you to it, HE will lead you through it"

Saturday, August 24, 2002 at 02:56 PM (CDT)

Hi all. Thought it was time for an update. We are all doing good. I think I may be getting a little touch of the "empty nest" syndrome that I hear people talking about though :-). And Jim has a sinus infection but other than that we are good. The girls both started school last week. So far so good. They both have the usual in regards to classes and professors that they do and don't like. Some of what Sabrina is taking should be a repeat of what she had at TRCC last year so hopefully they won't be too hard and that will help make this an easier transition for her. Sam's classes just keep getting harder now. Just two more years.... :-) (hang in there Sam).
Sabrina had her labs Thursday and her platelets are down again :-(. I spoke with the nurse practioner in Maryland and she thinks that this may just be something we have to deal with for a while. At this point the maintenance therapy almost has to be the culprit. Even though it's not supposed to have side effects it looks like this may be one that it is going to have. But the good news is that this is the only side effect so we'll just deal with it. The way I'm looking at it is that if it's bringing her counts down then it's also doing all the good things it's supposed to do. She was due to start back on it Thurs. but now will have to wait until she's over 75,000 again (she was 53,000).
It looks like we will be going back to Maryland Oct. 9th for her next set of scans, labs, etc. Hopefully we will see some of our friends while we are out there. Some of us are working together to get our dates set so that we are out there at the same time. (Attn: Jodi and Jennifer! :-). Please keep us in your prayers. Pray for peace, complete remission forever, and more platelets!
Speaking of our Maryland family and friends I would like to congratulate Tony and Sean for getting nominated (and CHOSEN) for the National Make-aWish ad campaign! YOU GO BOYS!!! Don't forget who your friends were before you were famous :-).
A note to all of the local readers. I've been stocking up (big time) on all the candles and gifts that Annie's Flowers and Scents carries and in September (prob. the 9th) I am going to have a "drop and shop" party. I hate to call it a party because it's really not. It's just a specific time that you can stop by and look at and purchase what I have on hand. (and if I don't have what you want then I will order it for you) Most of my gift items are in now (feel free to drop in anytime) but I'm still waiting on the candles. I ordered 24 candles and have 5 on hand already. I will have all but 3 scents of the candles and in 2 different sizes. I'm really excited about carrying and selling these things. I just can't think of a better way to spend my time than helping to raise money for childhood cancer research and doing so with a really nice product line. Watch your mailboxes for more details :-). Ok, enough advertising. And on that note I will close.

I hope and pray that this update finds you, and those you love, happy and healthy.
Till next time.....
Cathy
"If GOD leads you to it, HE will carry you through it"

Wednesday, August 14, 2002 at 07:16 AM (CDT)

Update time :-). Things are still going good (thank you GOD!). Sabrina started what was supposed to be a volunteer job today at the local humane society (where they have 2 of the most beautiful dogs I've ever seen....and Jim says I can't have one!). Well turns out they were impressed with her (because she had interned at the local Vets office during high school) and they hired her as a paid employee! She's so excited. She was willing to work there for free because she loves animals and now she's going to get paid for it!
The girls are all ready for school to start next week. Please pray that God allows things to go good for them and that Sabrina can continue to live a normal life and be done with cancer (I know I ask for that alot but I just think you can't have too many prayers). She had her counts done yesterday. Her platelets have dropped again but only down to 74,000 this time. So the docs want her to continue on with the maintenance therapy and see what happens. I hope that was just a fluke and that this therapy isn't going to keep them so low that she can't take it. So far she's had NO side effects from it. That's a first!

Please remember us all in your prayers. Some people think that when treatment is over we can just go back to our old lives and forget about it. That's not the case at all. As a matter of fact it's usually just the opposite. No one can possibly understand unless they've been through it but it's really hard to change from one world to the other. There are lots of adjustments to make (especially mental adjustments). It's harder than most people think. Don't get me wrong, I'm not asking for the world of treatment back. I NEVER want that back but sometimes it's just not an easy thing (especially on the patient) to make the change.

That's about it for now. I will update again when there's something to update.
Till next time.....
Cathy
"When GOD leads you to it, HE will see you through it"

Saturday, August 03, 2002 at 05:19 PM (CDT)

It's time for a new update. I'm not exactly sure how often I should update now that treatment is over but I actually do have some news so thought I'd share it. I'm saying (or typing) this very softly and have all my fingers and toes crossed as I type but here goes.....Sabrina has platelets :-)........ She had labs done Thursday and her platelets were 81,000. This is up from 57,000 ten days ago in Maryland. So this means that she finally got to start on the other half of the maintenance therapy. I am very happy about this and just hope and pray that the chemo part of the therapy doesn't effect her bone marrow. It's not suppose to so lets just pray that for once she fits in to the "majority" category. I know that this maintenance therapy isn't some miracle cure but it's sort of like having a security blanket again. It means that we are at least being proactive instead of just sitting and waiting to see what happens. And I am VERY proud of Sabrina. All the time she's been in treatment I've had her on various supplements and I've always had to stay on her, remind her and even argue with her to get her to take them. That has not been the case with the Celebrex (she's been taking that ever since treatment ended). She has taken it religiously and without me breathing down her throat about it. I know she will do the same with the cytoxin since she's doing such a good job with the celebrix. She's even started taking her supplements again without me bugging her about it. Miracles DO happen :-).

The girls are all moved in to their new house. Jim is going up tomorrow to hook up the washer and dryer and the cook stove. He also has a few more carpenter jobs to finish up. I may play hooky this time and just spend the day at home doing some things around MY house (Lord knows it needs it!). A quiet day at home to just piddle and do what I want wouldn't be a horrible thing either :-). Hopefully after tomorrow the house will be completely done (until something tears up or breaks down). So far I think the girls are getting along ok. No one has called saying either of them is in the emergency room and I don't see scratches or bruises on either of them so I guess they are making it. (just kidding girls). Actually things are going remarkably smooth. So maybe I was all worried about them living together for nothing (hhmmm....would a mother worry for no reason??)

That's about it from here. Hope everything is good at your house. Please remember us in your prayers along with all the other families that are still dealing with this monster called cancer.
Till next time......
Cathy
"If GOD leads you to it, He will lead you through it"

Friday, July 26, 2002 at 05:24 AM (CDT)

We are home! Home Sweet Home :-). We've been very busy since we got home. The girls have started moving a few things into their new house. They will prob. be completely moved in within the week. Sabrina says she's staying at the cabin one more week but is moving everything she still had at home (which was 90% of her stuff) and then will take what she has at the cabin over in about a week. They are both very excited about their new place. Course Mom and I are very excited too so we're right in the middle of moving and decorating.

We got some results from the bone marrow biopsy. The news thus far is very good. With the results that came back yesterday they were checking for 2 main things. #1 was tumor and #2 was to see if Sabrina had any "baby" cells in her bone marrow that would eventually allow her to build up. The answer to #1 is NO (thank you GOD) and the answer to #2 is yes (thank you GOD again). If there had not been baby cells then that could have meant that Sabrina might stay at these low numbers forever. But since there is it just means that her bone marrow is veerrryyy tired from all the therapy and is just extremely slow in building. So those results were exactly what we wanted them to be. Now the other test they are doing could take up to a month to come back. It's a very scientific test called cytogenetics. The way I understand it (and this could be totally wrong) is that this test looks alot deeper into the marrow. I think it looks at the babies of the baby cells. Anyway I think it is to determine whether her bone marrow has been genetically altered somehow by chemo. I have no idea what we do if it has or if we just do nothing except have that knowledge. I know that it also looks for more things but it's all way over my head. Guess it might be time to put my research hat back on. At any rate, so far, the bone marrow tests all look great. Now if someone would just tell Sabrina's marrow that it does look good and can come out of hiding........ We will still do the maintenance therapy when her platelets reach 75,000. Whenever that might be. Even though scans were clear this time I'm still very anxious for her to be on all of the maintenance therapy.

That's about it for now. I'm ready for things to slow down and for us to have a few of those "lazy, hazy" days of summer. We hope you have a good weekend and rest of summer!

Please continue to pray for us and for all the families that are going through this hell. We have just recently learned of 2 more kids, that we know, relapsing. No one should have to go through that!

Till next time....
Cathy
"If GOD brings you to it, HE will lead you through it"

Tuesday, July 23, 2002 at 07:38 AM (CDT)

We have GREAT, WONDERFUL, FANTASTIC news! Scans are CLEAN! That's such a beautiful word....CLEAN :-). There is a "cloudy" spot in the middle of the radiation field. They are sure it is from radiation and that it will clear up. They said that they fully expected to see something like that since radiation was just a short time ago. We want to thank everyone from the bottom of our hearts for your prayers and support. Please don't stop the prayers. I truly believe in the power of prayer and don't know where we'd be without it or without people like you sending so many prayers to heaven for us. She will be on a 3 month scan schedule now so please keep up the prayers that all the future scans have the same results as this.

Today Sabrina will have the bone marrow biopsy at noon. They have decided to put her to sleep for it this time. I think that's best since that is a really grueling test. Some results may be back today from the biopsy and others could take up to a week to get. They are sending the marrow out to a lab and also testing it here. I'm not sure what all they are testing for but I hope and pray that this turns out to just be tired bone marrow and that she will soon start building up again. Again we ask for your prayers.

Sabrina has been busy figuring out her 4 year college plan while we have been here. She's really looking forward to starting college next month (and to moving the new house that we've been working on). And now with the scans behind us she can enjoy her new experiences without this cloud over her head. She told me yesterday that she wasn't worried about the scans at all. I know she's very happy with this outcome....worried or not.

I will close now and will post more when we have news from the bmb.

Thanks so much for caring enough to check in on us.
Till next time...
Cathy
"If GOD brings you to it, HE will lead you through it"

Sunday, July 21, 2002 at 08:45 PM (CDT)

Just a very quick note. We are in Maryland. The trip went fine but we are all very tired from our day of traveling.

Tomorrow is scan day. Please PRAY harder than you've ever prayerd before. Sabrina has her college schedule all worked out and she is so excited about this new step in her life. Please make your prayer be that scans are clean (now and forever) and the God allows her to experience her hopes and dreams.

I will post more when I have scan results. Not sure if that will be tomorrow afternoon or Tuesday.

Please sign the guestbook if you have time. We always like to hear from everyone but it's extra special when we are out here.

Thanks for checking in,
Cathy

Wednesday, July 17, 2002 at 05:12 AM (CDT)

Just a short update. Sabrina had labs done yesterday. Platelets are just not moving. Only went up 2,000. They were 55,000 and now they are 57,000. I just don't get it.
I'm just hoping a praying that this is something simple or at least explanable and not anything serious.

We're getting closer on the house. Almost all of the painting is done. Jim still has to frame in around the french door that he put up and we decided to put new counter tops in the kitchen (another Jim job....poor Jim :-). Actually it's just one short countertop so hopefully it won't be a huge job. We are still hoping to have it mostly done before we leave on Sunday. The carpet is scheduled to be layed next Wednesday (the day we will be getting home from Maryland).

I know I asked this last time, but I'm asking again. Please PRAY hard for clean scans and an answer to our platlet problem.

I prob. won't update again until we are in Maryland.
Thanks for checking in.
Till next time.....
Cathy

Thursday, July 11, 2002 at 09:22 AM (CDT)

It's update time again. In my last update Sabrina's platelets were up to 65,000. Well that platelet fairy has betrayed us once again. Yesterday she was at 55,000 :-(. I just do NOT get it! Hopefully the bone marrow biopsy she is going to have will show what the problem is. And hopefully it's something that can be fixed. Please pray hard that she can overcome this problem. She's had enough "crap" to deal with! It's her turn to get a break on something medical!

Sabrina and Shauna left for Springfield yesterday. They were excited to be going a vacation by themselves. Not sure what all they are going to do but I know they stay busy finding ways to have fun. Shelia stocked the house with food for them and even said she was leaving money for them to order pizza. She might spoil them so bad that won't want to come home! Thanks Shelia :-).

We're coming along on the house. Been doing lots of painting and have all the carpet pulled up. As soon as all the paint work is done we will have new carpet laid. Jim is putting in a new front and back door and that's really all the big stuff that has to be done. It's going to be really cute when we get it all finished. I think the girls are excited about it. They have a really cute little flower garden in the fenced in part of the back yard. I'm anxious to dig into that and get it all cleaned out but I guess I should save that for last.

In my last update I asked for special prayer for 2 of my dear friends. I'd like to report that Sean just had scans and prayers have been answered!! He is now responding well to the chemo and they can barely see the tumor anymore. This is truly a blessing from God. His mom was walking on air when she called me yesterday to tell me this. And I am equally sad to report that Justin earned his angel wings yesterday. He fought long and hard but his little body just couldn't take it anymore. Please keep them close in your prayers as they now have to deal with life without their child on this earth. This disease is just the cruelest thing I have ever encountered and no matter if I live to be 100 I will never ever understand any of it.

One more thing and then I will close. I am now officially a distributor for Annie's Flowers and Scents. This is the company that sells the candles for kids (and lots of other things). Anne donates a percentage of her profit on the candles and other gift items (she has a new line of bath and body items and one of them is in Sabrina's scent!) to childhood cancer research. This is mainly why I wanted to be a part of this company. You get a great product from her and at the same time you are helping in the fight against childhood cancer. If you are interested in getting a catalog or finding out how to order through me please email me and I'll help you out. I do get credit for all orders that go through my distributor number and I can tell you how that works if you are interested. Again, if you are interested in this please email me (or call me) and I'll get all the info right to you.

Thanks so much for checking in. Have a great weekend.
Till next time.....
Cathy

Friday, July 05, 2002 at 07:19 AM (CDT)

Hello! Hope everyone had a great 4th of July. Ours was very nice. We went to Sabrina and Shauna's cabin at the lake and bbq'd. It was a very laid back day spent with family. The girls were excited about having their first family cookout at their house. After the cookout we came home and lounged around in the pool then sat on our deck and watched everyone shoot fireworks. This is the first year that Jim and I didn't get any (not much fun if no kids are around) but it was nice sitting out there watching everyone else (cheaper too :-).

Let's see....what has happened since my last update? Well Jim and I have been to Springfield to see Donnie and Shelia. We had fun there. Shelia and I got massages while we were there. That was my first and I have to say that I would definitely do it again if given the opportunity. We were both sore the next day (it was a deep therapeutic massage) but it was a good kind of sore. Other than that we just shopped, ate and visited. Then on our way home we came through Mt Home Arkansas and saw an our old friend Jay Chase. We enjoyed that too. He showed us all around (several lakes and rivers there) and we had a fish fry. We spent one night there and then headed home. It was a short trip but a very nice one.

Sabrina is doing good. The day we left for vacation she fell on some rocks (walking Vito) and has a really huge, nasty bruise and sore on her knee. A few days later she went to the waterslide and it was kind of rough so more bruises. With her platelets still being low she is still bruising really easy. She had labs done Wednesday and her platelets seem to finally be moving (I'm whispering that). They were 65,000. That is up from 45,000 a week before. So, the Good Lord willing, she might be finally on the rise. I'm not sure about the chemo part of the maintenance therapy right now. I haven't had a chance to talk to the NIH docs so don't know if they still want her to start back on it when she gets to 75,000 or wait until they have had a chance to look at her bone marrow. It's not that long before we go back (the 21st of this month) so it won't surprise me if they want to wait. Please be praying for good results to come with these tests on the 22nd.

We got a house for the girls to live in Cape. It's right across from the college so will be very convenient! We are going to do a few things to it but it shouldn't take long to have it ready to live in. Several of us are going up there today and tomorrow to paint, paper and clean. Jim has a couple of "big" things to do to it but hopefully that part won't take long. Sam is moving in the first of August and Sabrina is moving in about a week before school starts. They are excited. I am just hoping they can live together in peace :-).

I think that's about it from our house. We are staying busy as usual and enjoying our week off and our summer. It's been weird to be back in the "off treatment" world but it's a good kind of weird. Please pray that we get to stay in this world.

Also, please remember all our friends who are dealing with this monster (and other monsters). Especially remember, Patty and Sean (www.caringbridge.com/nj/seanb). Sean has been in pain for so long that I doubt he remembers not having pain and he keeps having very severe and life threatening reactions to chemo. They are possibly at a crossroads in treatment and really need your prayers. And another family that needs every prayer possible is Pat and Justin (www.caringbridge.com/ny/justintyler). Justin is in really bad shape. I'm sure a word of encouragement on their guestbooks would be very welcome.

We hope you are enjoying your summer and managing to stay cool. Thanks so much for caring enough to stop by and check on us. It really does mean so so much to know that people care.
Till next time.....
Cathy
"If GOD leads you to it, HE will lead you through it"

Wednesday, June 26, 2002 at 04:12 PM (CDT)

Where do I start? Seems like every week brings a different challenge but I guess that's just life. In my last update I was extra excited about Sabrina's platelets being so high. And I believe I mentioned hoping it wasn't a fluke of some kind. Seems it may have been. This week she went to Cape to get her labs done (instead of the local family clinic) and her platelets were only 46,000 :-( Is is possible that they could go from 53,000 to 137,000 to 46,000 all in about 2 weeks. Anything is possible. Is it probable? No. So something somewhere isn't right. The NIH docs took her off the low dose chemo part of the maintenance therapy but left her on the Celebrex for now. She will have labs done again Friday (in Cape) and we'll see what's going on then. The docs at NIH are somewhat concerned about her bone marrow being so stubborn so when we go back for scans she will most likely have to have a bone marrow biopsy. Not a fun thing (basically they screw this thing into her hip bone and extract the marrow from there) but they give her good drugs so she usually doesn't remember alot of it. Maybe that test will give them some insight as to what's going on in there. If it is just because she has had so much chemo then there's nothing they can do but wait and if it's something else (they were talking possible chromosome alterations from the chemo....and totally lost me on that one) then there may be something they can do. I just hate this CRAP!

Sabrina continues to feel good and seems to be enjoying the cabin. Although she did call today and tell me she's coming home because their a/c isn't working and she's melting (and no....I did not sabatoge it to get her to come home). Hopefully they'll get that fixed soon.

Her jaw is better. Still not fixed but better. The Celebrex is helping it and the dentist gave her some exercises to do. He believes that this problem could have been caused when her wisdom teeth were pulled. Said something about how far open they have to stretch your jaws. If it's not one thing....

Jim and are taking a little mini vacation this weekend and part of next week. We are leaving Friday and will be back either Tuesday or Wednesday. And then Sabrina and her roommate are taking one about mid July. That should be fun for them.

That's about it for now. Please keep praying...we need it now more than ever.
If I don't update before, We hope you have a safe and happy 4th of July.
Till next time....
Cathy
"If God leads you to it, HE will lead you through it"

Thursday, June 20, 2002 at 08:16 AM (CDT)

Hi. It's update time again. We've been home a week now (my how time flies) and I still feel somewhat lost and overwhelmed. I am getting back into the swing at work but my house and yard are another story. I seem to jump from one thing to another (no attention span?) and thus don't ever really seems to accomplish anything.

We have good news (least I hope it is good news). Sabrina got to start the maintenance therapy! You might remember in my last update that her platelets were too low. When we left Maryland they were 53,000 (normal is 150,000 - 450,000) and the docs wanted them to be 75,000 before we started. She had them done on Monday and they were.......drum roll.......137,000!!!!! They haven't been that high since she relapsed in November!!!! An answered prayer? I totally believe so. I hope and pray that that wasn't some sort of fluke and that they are still high next week when she has labs done.

Sabrina has a new problem now (imagine that :-). It's not huge but none-the-less a problem. The Dr. thinks she has TMJ syndrome. Her jaw (like mine) pops really bad when she eats, yawns, chews gum, etc... and as of a few days ago it seems to have locked up. She can't open her mouth very wide without pain and it hurts her to eat anything that requires much chewing. Not real sure what will be done about it or when but if it doesn't resolve soon then I know something will have to be done. But hey....at least it's not cancer!

Sabrina is all moved into the cabin now. We went over there a few days ago and I was really impressed. It is very cute. Haven't been there since she got all her stuff in but I'm sure she has added her own touch now. Shauna is working during the day so I'm not sure how long it's going to take Sabrina to get bored but hopefully she'll be able to find something to do to busy herself.

Sam is doing good. She's working full time this summer and not taking classes (for the first time in 3 years). When she goes back to school in the fall she will have a very hard semester of all math classes (upper upper level math). After that semester is done then she starts getting into her teaching classes (classes on how to be a teacher). She should finish up in the spring of 2004. That will be here before we know it! She and Darrick are still together and doing good. They make a very cute couple.

I guess that's about it from our house. It's kind of quiet around here without Sabrina but like I did when the other 2 left, I will get used to it. It's good that I'm really busy, it keeps my mind occupied.

Hope you are having a great summer! I really believe that the rest of ours is going to be very nice.

Till next time.....
Cathy
"If God brings you to it, HE will bring you through it"

Saturday, June 15, 2002 at 05:35 PM (CDT)

WE ARE HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!! How sweet it is. We got in about 10:30 Thursday night and I don't think it hit me how tired I was till Friday. I'm still not completely unpacked and and our house looks like we either are moving out or have just moved it but who cares!

Sabrina stayed last night at the cabin (I knew she wouldn't last 3 days at home like she said). My Aunt and Uncle were in from Houston so our family went out to eat together last night and after that Sabrina was cabin bound! It is SO nice to see her having fun and being so excited and happy. She took alot of stuff over there last night and then more today and says she's going to finish up on Monday.

I've been working in my yard. I keep telling myself that I need to be inside the house doing things but I just can't make myself stay there. Usually by now our yard is so pretty and alive with flowers but not this year. Hopefully I can take care of that real soon.

On the medical front Sabrina is great. We only have one problem. Her platelets aren't high enough to start the maintenance therapy that she was to be put on. We have the meds but have to wait till she hits 75,000 to start them. I want her on them NOW!!!

I want to thank everyone who prayed for us, sent us cards, packages and email greetings, and just cared enough to check on us via this webpage. There's no way to express what all that means to us and there's no way anyone can know if they haven't been there. If I tried to name everyone that I would like to thank then I would surely miss someone so I'll just say THANKS! Please continue to pray for Sabrina that all this nightmare can be behind her now.

Also while I am asking for prayers I would like to ask you to pray for our friends in New Jersey (who are dealing with exactly the same thing as us). Sean is 22, in treatment for rhabdo (3rd time) and has a very very serious infection. It's so serious that they may have to rethink his whole treatement plan now. He's very lucky to even be alive I think.

Also you may remember me talking about our friends from Jamica that we met at the Inn. Taniesha (the 16 year old daughter) was back for her first 3 month checkup while we were there and just a few days before we left she got the news that she has relapsed. Please remember them.

I will close now. My updates my not be as frequent as they have been since there's not as much to update about. I do plan to keep this page going though....at least for now.

Till next time....
Cathy

Tuesday, June 11, 2002 at 08:06 AM (CDT)

Only about 55 more hours until we are on Missouri soil again and only about 59 till we are home. But hey, whose counting :-).

We still love hearing from everyone so if you have time to sign our guestbook that would be great!

Till next time....
Cathy

Monday, June 10, 2002 at 08:37 AM (CDT)

Hello. We are counting down now. Only 4 more radiation treatments and only 3 more whole days here. Sabrina will get her last treatment Thursday morning and we are on the shuttle to the airport at 12:30 that same day. YIPPEE!!!

Mom and Dad left this morning. We had fun with them being here and as always it's a little sad when some of our company leaves. But we will see them again Thursday afternoon when they pick us up at the airport. They are just going to take their time traveling, maybe do a little sightseeing, and then end up in St. Louis Thursday when our flight arrives. We packed almost everything we have here and sent it home with them so that we only have carry on bags for our flight. I prob. should have sent the laptop with them too but couldn't bring myself to part with it
:-).

On the medical front, Sabrina is still doing well. She's starting to have a little pain in her side but nothing real serious. Her energy level is still pretty good and her counts are holding their own. Her platelets are still low but no lower than they were when we got here (actually maybe a little higher). It is just going to take time for her system to recover from all the treatment she has received over the years.

As the end of treatment is approaching once again I find myself being happy/sad. I'm not sad that it is over but with each time it gets a little more scary walking away from the safety net of treatment. I read a quote today that I am going to try to commit to memory because it is so very true. It reads: "Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles, it empties today of it's strength"

I would once again like to ask for your prayers as we enter back into our lives and to be some sort of "normal". I feel in my heart that Sabrina has finally beaten this ugly monster but I know from past experience that I'm kidding myself if I say I won't worry each time she has an unexplained pain, or each time she has scans. My prayer is the God allows her to go on and experience all the things that life has to offer happy,sad, good and bad and that He allows her to grow in all her experiences and look back on this as a thing of the past and maybe take what she has learned in her experiences and help someone else that is going through this same hell.

Thanks for checking in.
Till next time......
Cathy

Friday, June 07, 2002 at 06:38 AM (CDT)

Hello everyone. I am back in Maryland with Sabrina and my parents. Only 6 more days! Sabrina will take her last radiation treatment on Thursday morning the 13th and Thursday afternoon we will be on a plane! My parents are leaving Monday and will end up in St. Louis Thursday to pick us up and bring us home. Sabrina is almost down to counting the hours now!

Medically speaking she is doing good. Her skin is starting to discolor a little from radiation but nothing real serious (please pray that it stays this way and doesn't start burning). She had her counts done Wednesday but I haven't heard what they were yet. Will find out today.

We are going to DC today after radiation. A friend from home contacted JoAnn Emerson (our congresswoman) and asked about DC tours for us. We were hoping for the White House but no dice because of the 9/11 attack. So today we are getting a tour of the Capitol. This is pretty special too since there are no public tours anymore of that building. We are looking forward to it. The girl that set it all up for us (from Emerson's office) said that she had some other things for us too but we don't know yet what they are. Not sure why I didn't think about calling them earlier! Oh well....

That's about it from here. We went shopping again yesterday. Good thing Mom and Dad have a motorhome here. Otherwise we'd have to buy another big suitcase just to get our stuff home! Gotta do something to pass the time :-).

Thanks for checking in.
Till next time.....
Cathy
If GOD leads you to it, HE will lead you through it

Sunday, June 02, 2002 at 11:07 AM (CDT)

Hello again. I can't believe it's been almost a week since my last update. Time sure does go by quickly (especially as I get older).

I am home now. I got in Wednesday night and can't believe it's already Sunday! Jim had the house looking really nice and for the most part had things pretty caught up. There was quite a stack of mail that he wasn't sure what to do with piled up on the table. I'm still wading my way through that but think I'm about to the bottom. I've been busy in my office also. Again, Jim did a pretty good job there but there were some things that needed my attention. Plus I planned my trip home for the first of the month because that's a really busy time for me. This way I think I can get a lot of stuff done and not leave Jim with so much to have to deal with. I'll be going back Wednesday so I only have a couple of days to get everything done. I'd love to get out in my yard and do some work but I'm putting that low on the priority list for now and will tackle it when I get home for good. That sounds really good.....home for good.

Sabrina and my parents seem to be doing fine without me out there. I've talk to them everyday and sometimes I've talked to Sabrina a couple of times a day (I think she misses me but she's not owning up to that!). When I get back to Maryland some of our friends will be there. I'm looking forward to seeing them. They are actually getting in today and Sabrina said she too is looking forward to seeing them because there's not been anyone she knows at the Inn since I left. My dad managed to find out that there's a big car show/swap meet in PA just about an hour and a half away from Bethesda so they went to that today. I think there is also a craft show going on there so Mom and Brinie will have something to do there. Brinie told me that Mom took her shopping the other day and bought her some stuff for the cabin. She was pretty excited about that. She is itching to get back and get moved into that cabin. I figure she'll stay one night at home and then it's off to have some fun. I am so happy for her that she gets to do that. I'll miss her terribly but I know I'll see her a lot because they don't have a washer and dryer over there :-).

On the medical front, Sabrina still seems to be avoiding any radiation side effects (thank you GOD). The only thing that seems to be happening is that her platelets are dropping a little. I don't really expect them to drop to transfusion levels and I hope I am right. She and Mom both had some sort of stomach thing the other night but it had to have been something they ate since they both had it. Luckily Sabrina is still armed with an arsenal of stomach meds that are left over from chemo.

Well, that's about it from us. Hope you are doing good and enjoying your summer. I feel like ours will officially start when we get home on the 13th or 14th of June and I'm looking forward to that.

Thanks so much for checking in.....
Cathy
"If GOD leads you to it, HE will lead you through it"

Monday, May 27, 2002 at 08:23 PM (CDT)

Happy Memorial Day! I know this is a day when we honor our service men and women who gave their lives for our freedom, and that's as it should be but I'd also like to take a moment to honor some very brave kids. Sabrina and all the other kids with cancer that I know are true hero's. They fight a battle far beyond what most of us can imagine.

Mom and Dad got in yesterday around noon. It was a pretty long trip for them but they made it just fine (except for taking the wrong exit and circling completely around DC before finally making it back to here:-). They got to park right out in front of the Inn on campus so they are really close. It was so good to see them! Today we were all lazy. We did go for a walk though this afternoon and then cooked outside for supper. That was nice. One of the managers and another family ate with us.

Tomorrow it's back to the radiation grind and then up to the clinic for labs. So far so good on radiation side effects (and I'm whispering when I say that so as not to jinx us). I'm sure Sabrina will have fun showing Mom and Dad all around tomorrow and introducing them to everybody. Then I think we are going to try to find a craft store. We heard there is a huge one not to far from here and now we have a CAR! No more relying on busses and the subway if we don't want to (although they aren't bad at all).

Wednesday I'll be heading home for a week to check on Jim and hopefully get everything all caught up. Jim's been batching for a month now! He said he cleaned house yesterday (I'm leaving more often) so I wont' have to worry about that.
I think my Mom has been keeping him in food since we've been gone along with a very sweet lady from church who took him a meal one night and I think my Aunt is planning on cooking for him one night. He might like it better when I'm not there actually. Poor guy had to spend Memorial Day by himself though. I guess bbqing isn't much fun by yourself. After I come back he'll only have to batch a for about a week and a half more till we are home for good.

That's about it from here. Hope everyone had a great Memorial Day and has a great week. Till next time....
Cathy
"If GOD leads you to it, HE will lead you through it"

ps don't forget to sign the guestbook!

Friday, May 24, 2002 at 07:29 AM (CDT)

Update time. Haven't updated since Monday because there's not alot to tell. Radiation continues to go well and Sabrina's cold is better (still there unfortuneately, but better). The Inn is Pretty empty but we do still have a few friends left here. Earlier in the week we were asked to speak at a benefit for the Inn on Memorial Day. We were all hiped up to do it (even bought some new dress clothes...but we needed those anyway) and then yesterday we were told that the lady hosting the benefit dedided to have the local Congresswoman speak instead. I thought they wanted the speech to be about the Inn and how what it means to the families that stay there....guess they changed their minds. Oh well, the shopping was fun.

Mom and Dad are heading out today to come see us. They are driving their motorhome out here and will prob. be in Sunday sometime. We are looking forward do seeing them! Since they will be here for a while I am going home next week to take care of some things and catch my office up. I don't think it will be in to bad a shape but Jim says there is paperwork piled up there and at home (he asked me the other day if I had any idea how much mail we get at home :-). Sabrina has assured me that she will be fine here without me (not sure if I'll be fine not being here but we'll see). It's only for a week and then I'll be back for the last week and a half of radiation. We did find out this week that we don't have to hang around after radiation is over. We'll come back about 6 weeks after it ends though for more scans (please start praying for those now). She will be starting the maintenance therapy either right at the end of radiation or a week after it ends. We have to wait and see if the radiation effects her bone marrow in any way. Then, God willing, once she is done and that first set of scans is over we'll only be coming back every 3 months for scans and checkup.

Sabrina is looking very forward to getting home and getting moved into the cabin with Shauna. Shauna is already living there so I figure once we are hom Sabrina will last about one night at the house (if that) and then she'll be moving. That will be a bitter/sweet time for me. She's my last one to leave the nest (the bitter part)....she's going to be happy and having fun (the sweet part). All you parents understand that and I think that everything she has been through makes the sweet part even sweeter. She DESERVES to get to have fun and figure out what life is all about. Plus it's not like she's moving across country (not yet anyway...she does talk about that from time to time). She's just moving to Poplar Bluff and she's already informed me that she'll be home every weekend to do her laundry :-).

I'm rambling again.....sorry about that. Before I clost I'd like to say thanks to everyone who has sent us cards (or I should say sent "Sabrina" cards ;-) and a special thanks to my sister-in-law Shelia for the care packages. It just really brightens our day to go downstairs and have a package or some mail. We joke when we don't have anything and say that nobody loves us. We both know better than that though.

Thanks for checking in....
Cathy
"If GOD leads you to it, HE will bring you through it"

Monday, May 20, 2002 at 06:38 AM (CDT)

Update time. It's Monday morning and I can safely say that we had a really good weekend. Friday after radiation we went to the mall with another mom and daughter (Tammy and Lindsay). The girls went to the movies to see Star Wars while Tammy and I hunted bargains. That night the 4 of us went out to eat. We splurged and ate at Outback. It was very good. Saturday we were very lazy but I did get dressed long enough to go to the pharmacy (with another mom, Pat, who has a car)and drop off some film to be developed. Then sometime Saturday night Sabrina got in on a production that Sean, Tony and Marcus were working on and become their unofficial coriographer (sp?). They were making up a dance to do for all the residents of the Inn. Finally last night they had it perfected and performed it downstairs for everyone. It was soooo cute! Sabrina had to stand where the boys could see her and do the moves for them to follow. During practice she was teaching a move and she put her had up to her mouth to cough.....all three boys put their hands up to their mouth too thinking she was adding a new move :-). So that kept Sabrina busy all weekend. Well she did take time out to bring Tony into our room (actually I had Sabrina, Tony, Lindsay and Sean in here) and dress him up like a little girl (he's 10). They put Lindsay's wig on him, one of her dresses and some heels and my makeup. It was so funny (and he actually made a darling little girl) then went down stairs and played a joke on one of the managers. We all really had fun with that one.

So needless to say we had a very fun weekend. And so radiation starts back up today and I'm not sure what we are going to do because the boys are all leaving. But they'll be back around the 1st of June and will be here till and past when we go home.

Also last night there were tons of new families coming in (always is on Sunday) and we had the priviledge of meeting and 8 year rhabdo survivor. He's here for a late effects study and is 8 years in remission. He only had it once but was stage 4 (the worst) and was told that he prob. only had a few months to live but he could try treatment if he wanted. He was very cool to talk to and was so encouraging to Sabrina and me (and Patty if you are reading this he was a patient of Wexler!)

As you can see we haven't gotten around to being homesick just yet. We miss home but we're not going to sit around and mope about it....that's not even an option!

I think that's about it from here. Thank you so much for taking time out of your life to see how we are and please please never forget to keep praying for us.
Till next time.....
Cathy
"If GOD leads you to it, HE will lead you through it"

Thursday, May 16, 2002 at 06:13 AM (CDT)

Today is day 6 of radiation. The time is passing surprisingly fast (a good thing). As if Sabrina doesn't have enough going on her sore throat has escalated into a full blown cold or sinus infection or something like that. The Dr. finally gave her something strong for it yesterday so hopefully she will be better soon. She has felt pretty lousy in the mornings but by evening seems to feel better. And it doesn't hurt anything that all her little boyfriends are here right now. It feels like we are having a family reunion or something. Last night I cooked Lasagna and we had "company" for supper. I think there were 11 of us that ate together...it was very nice. Our "family" consists of Jodi and her sons Tony (10) and Sean (13) who are here from Arizona for a protocol for a T-cell defect that her boys have, Marcus (8) and his Aunt also from Arizona and here for the same reason, and Jennifer, her mother and her daughter Jordon (3) and her son Randy (6)...(remember back in February when Randy announced to the entire clinic that he was in love with Sabrina and she was his valentine and his girlfriend?). They are here from Indiana for treatment for Randy who has a brain tumor that has spread down his spine. Last night though no ones illness mattered, we all just had a good time. It never ceases to amaze me how so many people, from so many walks of life can come together in a place like this and almost instantly bond....for instance....I feel very close to 2 mothers here (one from Puerto Rico and the other from Mexico) who speak very little english. These are people that outside these walls you would pass on the street and never give a second thought to but here, we are all dealing with similiar things and as mothers of sick children (although if you could see most of these kids you really wouldn't guess they had the problems that they have) bonds form very quickly. oops....I'm rambling.

We found out this week that radiation may not last as long as we had originally thought. The assistant to the main radiation oncologist told us he thinks we will be doing 23 treatments (instead of the 25 - 30 we had anticipated). We have to wait and confirm this with the main Dr. before we know for sure though. Then we aren't sure if we have to stay for anything after we are done or not so still not real sure as to when we will be heading home.

Before I close I'd like to say congratulations to Samantha who passed an extremely hard (and useless) math class. CONGRATS SAM! She was very worried as this was her second time to take the class and very thrilled not to have to take it again.

I should close now since I've written a miniture novel :-). Will update again in a few days.

Oh, one more thing...if you have time please sign our guestbook. It really does brighten our day to read your posts.
Till next time.....

Monday, May 13, 2002 at 02:10 PM (CDT)

Hello everyone. Well the weekend is over and Sam has gone home. We really enjoyed having her here but seemed to spend most of our time running and trying to cram alot of things into a little bit of time. Friday after radiation we went shopping (of course :-) and then that night we went the Dave and Busters. The girls had a blast. As usual we didn't have the bus/shuttle thing quite figured out and we missed our bus to the Metro station by about 5 minutes (and of course it was the last one for the night). So we walked about 5 blocks to the Metro then got back to this Metro station and called for the shuttle only to get an answering machine at the Inn. Seems that I forgot that they shut the phones off at 11:00 p.m. So we waited and waited and finally the shuttle showed up on his last run for the night. So it was about midnight when we got in that night. We got up fairly early the next day and headed for DC. We went to the National aquarium and the Zoo that day. The zoo was very cool but also very tiring. We spent about 4 to 5 hours walking uphill (is it possible for all the paths in a place to only go uphill?). Needless to say we were beat that night so we just came back, had supper and chilled out. Sunday Sabrina got up feeling pretty crappy with a flu/virus/allergies or something of that nature so she decided to hang around the Inn while Sam and I went back to DC to see the sights. There's no way you can see it all in one day but we say most of the highlights (and walked another 100 miles!). It was hot and sultry so by the end of our day we were totally worn out. Luckily Sunday nights are the nights that the Inn has a buffet for all the families so I didn't even have to cook. Just came back, ate and didn't move the rest of the night. This morning Sabrina went to radiation and then we saw Sam off to the airport. I was sad to see her go but so happy that she had gotten to come. Sabrina saw the doc in the clinic this morning and got some meds for her congestion. The Dr. didn't think it was anything major and most likely will pass on it's own.

Well I think that about covers it for us. Hope all is well with everyone and that all the Mom's had a good mothers day.

I'd like to close today with a quote sent to me by a dear friend. It is small but powerful..... "If God brings you to it, HE will lead you through it"
Cathy

Friday, May 10, 2002 at 04:09 PM (CDT)

Time for an update. Sabrina pointed out to me this morning that I hadn't updated since Tuesday (I was just sure I had....oh well). We finally did start radiation on Thursday. It took quite a while yesterday because they had a few more tests to do before they actually started but today went fairly fast. Except...(there's always an exception) Sabrina had to have permanent tatoo's put on in 3 places because the marks they had put on her had come off because she was allergic to the tape they used to cover them up and when she pulled the tape she also pulled off the marks...so.... she now had 3 permanent dots but luckily they are in places where they won't ever be seen.

Sam got in last night and we've been really enjoying her company. I think we got a little loud last night because our neighbors banged on the wall (oops). But that's ok because our neighbors on the other side have been very noisy (at very late hours) and we've had to bang the walls a few times. Anyway...today Brinie showed Sam all around and introduced her to everyone and then we went to the mall and did some shopping. We are back in the room resting right now and tonight we are going to Dave and Busters at the other local mall. Then the next two days we have plans to do things in DC so we're defineatly not going to get bored for the next few days. I think it is very special that I have both my girls with me for Mothers Day. I regret that I can't be with my Mom Sunday though so "HAPPY MOTHERS DAY MOM"....."WE LOVE YOU VERY MUCH AND WISH YOU WERE HERE WITH US".

On that note I will close.
Thanks for checking on us and I hope all you MOM's have a really great day Sunday!
Till next time....
Cathy

Tuesday, May 07, 2002 at 08:45 AM (CDT)

Thought I should update again even though there's not really alot to tell. We are still waiting on radiation to start. We thought it would be today but it's not so maybe tomorrow. They may play that by ear. Jim left Sunday morning so now it's just Sabrina and I. We went to the mall Sunday and yesterday afternoon we got out and took a walk. We are trying to walk every day. Sabrina tires out pretty easily and I think is having some lasting effects from the vincristine (her feet go numb after she walks for a while) but all in all she's doing really good. We will gradually build up to longer walks if we keep at it.

Samantha is coming out Thursday and we are really looking forward to that. It'll be here first time here so we have lots of things planned for the 3 days that she will be here.

I guess that's about it. The Inn is really full right now so there's no lack of someone to talk to. It's very interesting to see the mix of people that end up in this place for various reasons.

Thanks for checking in and please remember to keep us in your prayers.
Till next time...
Cathy

Saturday, May 04, 2002 at 01:40 PM (CDT)

Hello again. Well it's Saturday so we survived the week. Actually once we got past scans things have gone pretty smoothly. Sabrina had her radiation simulation yesterday and everything is being set up. We will most likely start Tuesday. I'm impressed with how fast they move here. If we were at home we'd prob. still be waiting for the initial appointment and would be at least a week or two out from actually getting started. We really like the radiation Dr. (but can't seem to remember his name yet) and he says from what he can tell of all the previous radiation records everything was done exactly as it should have been in the past which makes his job easier. The side effects should be minimal, and we hope this is true, but it's a little scary when you think of all the organs that are going to be in the path of this stuff. So...we just won't think about it.

For any of you who have already written down our room number (for any reason) please note that we changed rooms today. We were in C2 and are now in C6. I asked for a bigger room and low and behold we managed to get one. This room is nice in that it has a little kitchenette and a much bigger bathroom and really just more room overall.

The three of us went to Dave and Busters last night for supper. After supper we spent about an hour in their game room. That place is really nice for unwinding but about an hour at a time is all we can afford (in other words it doesn't take long to get rid of your money there :-). But that's ok. It was nice to just get out and have a good time. Plus we took the Metro and to me that's an experience all it's own.

Thanks for checking on us and keep those prayers coming!!
Till next time....
Cathy

Wednesday, May 01, 2002 at 03:19 PM (CDT)

Well here's the update you've all been waiting for. Drum roll please......
Scans are still CLEAN! (thank you Jesus!). It's been a nerve wracking last few days but today we got the news we had hoped for. They said that they look even better than they did in January but there is a place that could be residual disease (could not too....no way to know for sure) and thus the need for radiation.

We met with the radiation oncologist today. He still didn't have all of Sabrina's previous records so couldn't lay out a definate plan as yet (but while we were having our powwow with the Dr.'s one of them remembered where the films might be and lo and behold she did find them). He's thinking 5000 rads as opposed to 4500 like Dr. Mackall thought so that would mean an extra week. So in reality, counting this week we could be here 5 to 7 weeks. We'll know more when we go back for the simuation. I hate that this will be eating into Sabrina's summer but if it's what she needs then it's what we will do.

Now my prayer is that this monster just stays away FOREVER!!!! She's had enough and it's time she was able to move on with her life and do the things that every 18 year old girl wants to do.

Will update more later. Thanks so much to everyone for your prayers(keep those coming!), support, kind words and just everything.

I have our new room number on the webpage now if anyone would like to send Sabrina a card or letter. She loves getting mail.

Till next time....
Cathy

Friday, April 26, 2002 at 06:41 PM (CDT)

I don't know where to start for sure. I spoke with the Dr. today and things seem to be taking a huge turn right now as far as treatment goes. One thing she was pretty defineate on is that Sabrina shouldn't get any more chemo right now. Her bone marrow is just to suppressed and if we reduced the doses any more then she wouldn't get enough to do her any good so there's no need in that. The new twist is that the Dr.'s are now saying they'd like her to have radiation. When we had talked about this earlier (after the first round when they couldn't see the tumor on the scans any more) they weren't sure if it was a viable option or not. It was sort of tabled at that time and I really thought they didn't want to do it because of the overlapping fields that would be involved. But since then Sabrina has had 2 dose reductions and won't be able to get all the chemo the Dr.s had hoped for so now they are talking local control. The main Dr. says that she feels like we have to approach this as if there is still microscopic diease in there (that cannot be seen on a scan). This relapse was considered a local relapse because it was isolated to one area and because we are only dealing with one area (at least we hope that's the case....we are having scans next week to make sure everything still looks clean) then radiation is a good tool to use to sort of "clean up" whatever could be left in there. There's no way to really know what's in there and what's not but we have to assume that cells are still lurking and do what we can to kill them. By now I'm sure you've figured out that it's looks like we are heading for radiation. We will be leaving Monday for Maryland and having scans on Tuesday and Wednesday. While we are there we will also have a consult with the radiation team and make the decision on whether to move forward with radiation. If we do then I am assuming they will start setting things up immediately and we may just stay out there until it's done (4 or 5 weeks). Things happened so fast today that I forgot to ask if we'd get to come home before it started or not so I called the hospital floor tonight and spoke with a nurse who told me that all that stuff (setting up and getting started) usually happens pretty fast. So unless I hear back from someone telling me otherwise I'll pack as if we are staying.

Sabrina didn't like the idea of radiation at first (I think mostly because she already had it in her head that she wouldn't need it) but I think she's coming around about it now. I told her that it was her decision and if she didn't want to do it she didn't have to. She has chosen to go forward with it if it's what everyone thinks is best. That doesn't mean she's happy about it...just that she has agreed to it.

Sabrina and I went to Poplar Bluff today and she signed up for 2 summer college classes. Now I'm just hoping that radiation is over before they start on June 3rd. She can take the same classes in July if she wants but she prefers June because that's when her friends are taking classes. Life is just so very unfair sometimes.

So I guess that's about it from here. I'll post more when I have more to post.
Till next time...
Cathy

Thursday, April 25, 2002 at 01:47 PM (CDT)

This has been an interesting week. Tuesday I received an email from the Dr. in Maryland regarding Sabrina's treatment. I had emailed her and asked a few questions a few days before that. Anyway she thinks we may be at a point now where we have to stop the chemo that Sabrina is on. They had hoped that with reduced doses her counts would recover quicker but this isn't hasn't been the case. Today is day 35 (they were hoping for at least a 28 day recovery period) and her platelets are just now up to 64,000. It does look like she is actually on the uphill swing and not stalling any more but still not at 75,000. And her wbc is still low (but I don't think they aren't real concerned about that right now). Anyway, Sabrina and I discussed this and she would still like to do one more round at 50% doses if the Dr. thinks it would be ok and not do more harm that good. So I emailed the Dr. back and asked her if this was an option. Haven't gotten a reply yet. When we have a plan I'll try to post and let everyone know what it is.

Please keep us in your prayers as this is a little (or alot) unnerving for me/us not knowing what is coming regarding treatment and possibly having to quit now before we were actually ready.

Also keep Sam in your prayers as the pressure is really builing on her here at the end of school. Like the rest of us she's under alot of stress.

That's about it from here. Thanks for checking on us.
Till next time....
Cathy

Monday, April 22, 2002 at 05:42 PM (CDT)

Well today starts a new week. Wonder what this one has in store for us? Sabrina had her counts done this morning and her platelets are 50,000. That's up from last Thursday so we'll see what this coming Thursday holds. If I were guessing I'd say we might be headed to Maryland next week but I don't want to jinx us or even try to plan anything....one day at a time....

We had a good weekend. Just worked around the house, in the yard and finished up the yards at the apartments. Jim was very relieved to get those done (as was I).

Sabrina continues to feel good. While her platelets went up her white blood cells have dropped. We have no idea why but are hoping it was just a fluke and they'll be back up on Thursday. Her poor bone marrow is just rebeling I think. Please keep her in your prayers that God will fix this marrow problem and she can move forward with treatment.

That's about it. Till next time....
Cathy

Thursday, April 18, 2002 at 10:09 PM (CDT)

Well we had counts done again today. Sabrina thinks her blood and bone marrow are mad at her. Her counts dropped instead of coming up. Not alot but dropped none-the-less (platelets went from 44,000 to 37,000). So, again we wait. Even she seemed disappointed about it this time. I emailed the Dr. and got a reply back from the NP (nurse practitioner) that said she didn't think we had anything to panic about just yet and to just wait it out and see what happens (time wise) before we think about changing the plan in any way. There is the chance that they will come soaring back up all of a sudden and we have gone longer than this between rounds before so..... thing is we all thought that with the 50% doses she would bounce back quicker. It's a little discouraging to say the least. I know God is in control here (and always) so please pray for us that we have the patience and the intelligence to accept his will in this situation. That is soooo very hard sometimes.

I think Sabrina has gotten over the death of her kittens. She hasn't mentioned them in a while. And I pointed out to her that she did everything humanly possible to save them (and did a terrific job)...they were just too little.

Sabrina is feeling pretty good these days. Still gets tired really easy but has been very productive this week. She has deep cleaned her room (and for any of you who have ever seen her room you know that was no small feat :-), cleaned out her truck and has even been keeping the kitchen clean for me and doing some laundry. I'm not sure what has gotten into her but I think I like it!! Now if I could only get her interested in yard work....... She gets very bored sometimes so maybe some emails coming her way would be good.

Jim and I are on the down hill slide in regards to the landscaping at the apartments. Tonight he spread the rest of the grass seed while I started putting down that weed plastic stuff and some mulch. I love working outside. It's very theraputic for me but to be truthful I'm ready to start on my own yard and be done with the apartment yards. But, they are really looking good and will look tons better when grass actually starts growing. Anyone got any kind of miracle formula they'd like to share with me about growing grass? I think fertilizer, time and lots of water is about all you can do. At least it doesn't just look like a big mud puddle now (which the 2 year old in one of the apartments didn't mind at all ;-).

Sam is still very busy. She's doing really good in her classes now but says they are really getting hard here at the end. She was so happy today that she got an A on a calc test. She has finals coming up soon so some extra prayers in that department wouldn't hurt either. If you'd ever like to drop Sam a line her email is sammyb_99@hotmail.com. I'm sure she'd love to hear from you but don't expect an immediate reply, least not until finals are over (which I believe is May 9th).

I guess that about covers everything. I was going to keep this one short. hahahaha...didn't do so well did I? Oh, guess since I've about covered the whole family I should add that Vito is fine too. He has a new thing that he loves to do. He rides the lawnmower with Jim when he mows. He gets very upset when Jim goes out without him and he hears the lawn mower start. The other day I found him sitting out by the road watching our neighbor mow. It's so funny. And yes....we have a strange little dog.

One more thing and then I will shut up. Our grandson Justin will be turning six this coming Monday. Can you believe that? Where does time go? He is very excited about this as most of his friends are already 6 and he thinks it's a big deal. We got him golf clubs and papa (Jim) said he's going to start taking him to the driving range some. Now that should be interesting! I'll try to take pictures :-).

Ok, that's really it. As always thanks for checking on us. And please if you have time, sign the guestbook. It really does brighten our day (even if you only say "hi"). May God's blessings shine brightly on your life today and forever.
Till next time...
Cathy

ps Please say a prayer for my friend Shelley Langley. She is dying of breast cancer and needs so many prayers. Pray that she doesn't suffer and that the Dr.'s and her family are able to make the right decisions to make her last days good days.

Monday, April 15, 2002 at 11:26 AM (CDT)

Well it's a new week. Wonder what it's going to have in store for us? I know it's not starting off the greatest. The kitten died this morning. I was up with it off and on all night trying to keep it alive (knew it was in bad shape last night) but to no avail. Sabrina was just heart broken last night and this morning. I feel partly (or fully) responsible for this as it was my bright idea for her to adopt the kittens in the first place. I knew this might happen.

Got labs done this morning. Most are on the rise again (wbc dropped for some reason??). Her platelets are 44,000 today which is up from 35,000 last Thursday. So we wait for that magic number of 75,000 and just go on with our day to day stuff.

Not much else to report. Sam is doing ok. Seems to be extremely stressed out though and is ready for school to be out for the summer. This will be the first summer she hasn't taken classes and I'm glad. She needs a break. So, if you have time today, please say a little prayer for all of us as we continue on this journey.
Till next time....
Cathy

Sunday, April 14, 2002 at 10:05 AM (CDT)

Hi from our house. Things are pretty much at a stand still (least that's how it feels) around here. Sabrina has had a decent weekend. Felt good enough to go out Friday night but didn't leave the house or get dressed yesterday. She seemed very tired and said she had a headache all day. So not sure what's going on but guess we'll see tomorrow when we have labs done. There's no doubt that all this chemo is taking a toll but with the reduced doses things are still better than they were. We were/are really hoping to go back this coming week for several reasons with the first one being that this will be round 5 and only one more round after that, second one being that Sabrina's little 6 year old boyfriend Randy will be there all week and we'd love to see them again (haven't seen them since the middle of Feb). So we'll just have to wait and see. I wish she had more energy (and I'm sure she does too) and hopefully once chemo is over she will perk up after it gets out of her system. Some of her hair is growing back now. She is getting eyebrows and eyelashes back. Not much on her head but defineately around her eyes.

One of the kittens died. Friday we decided to see how the momma cat would do with them and she seemed to be doing really good and taking care of them so we left them overnight with her. Bad idea since Sat. morning the littlest one didn't make it. Either they are still to little to eat (both of them could fit easily into the palm of your hand) or she's not producing milk. So we now have the other back her and are back to every 3 hour feedings. It was very weak yesterday morning from lack of nutrition but has perked up quite a bit in the last 24 hours. Not sure what we'll do with it when we leave. Anyone want a kitten-sitting job?

That's about it from here. Hope all is well with you today.
Till next time.....
Cathy

Friday, April 12, 2002 at 09:30 AM (CDT)

I spoke to soon. I shouldn't have bragged about how good Sabrina's counts were because I think I jinxed us! She had labs done yesterday and things were down. Not all things but the things that needed to be up weren't. Her plalelets dropped to 35,000 instead of going up. But we've seen this before and they can still shoot up all at once. We are hoping that's what will happen this time. Hopefully next week....we'll just wait and see what God has planned.

In the meantime we've all been busy. Jim went to Texas this week to buy cars (got home last night) and I've spent the past 2 days cleaning an apartment (one of our older ones) that was empty. It's done now and the new renters are moving in Saturday. I'm not used to anything that physical though and my body has been questioning this new punishment!

Sabrina has adopted two premie kittens that were not going to live had she not stepped in. There's still a chance that they won't make it but with her nurturing care they have really perked up (and have very good lungs!!!). She feeds them about every 3 hours with a medicine dropper (and she's quite the tired little mommy right now ;-). Vito loves the kittens. Seems to be a little scared of them but he just watches them and even baths them sometimes! It's really quite a site to see. Sabrina has been taking pictures and if we ever get our scanner working again maybe she will post some of them.

That's about it from our house. We are hoping the weather will be pretty this weekend so that we can get some or all of the landscaping done at our new apartments. The storage units are being built this week and the landscaping will be the final touch. I've actually enjoyed the apartment project but am ready to see it all done.

Thanks for checing in and for all your support and prayers. I don't know where we'd be without that.
Till next time.....
Cathy

Tuesday, April 09, 2002 at 07:26 AM (CDT)

Well today is day 19 in this cycle and Sabrina's counts are better than they've ever been on day 19. Still not up enough that we could start again on day 21 (day after tomorrow) like the cycle is planned but there's no doubt (well almost no doubt) that we won't go as long between rounds as we have in cycles past. When Sabrina's counts do recover this time (we are looking for a platelet count of 75,000 and yesterday it was 38,000) we will have scans done before chemo starts. Scans make me very nervous but I realize they are a necessary part of the treatment plan. Please start praying now that her scans are still clean and continue to stay that way for the next 100 years!

Sabrina has been at Sam's since Sunday morning. She decided to get away for a few days. I think this is good for her and it gives her and Sam a chance to spend some time together. I think she will be home today (unless her plans have changed).

If you get a chance check out our new website for the shop. Jim has been working on it for a while now, and while there's still some work to be done it's finally up and running. The address is www.alsmotorsinc.com Let me know what you think if you go look at it.

That's about it for now. Thanks for checking in with us and as always we hope that things in your life are good and happy.
Till next time....
Cathy

Sunday, April 07, 2002 at 09:55 AM (CDT)

This update is for my cousin Debbie who informed me that I don't update often enough :-). (had to throw that in Deb). And by-the-way, it was very nice to see her and visit with her.

Sabrina and I went to the auction yesterday. She got tired and didn't get to stay for the hole thing but enjoyed it never-the-less. And like I predicted we came home with some treasures (a/k/a junk to some people). I bought one very interesting thing (sort of by accident). I got an old horse drawn cultivator. So if any of you know any one who is in the market for one of those (they make great yard ornaments) then give me a call. I'm pretty sure I'm going to resell it and I think I got a really good deal on it. It's defineately a blast from the past! Sabrina got a really cool retro style book shelf and some other retro style things (she is her mothers daughter!). She's more into 70's style things (and about anything orange) while I'm more into the older stuff (my house reflects this.....and I'm running out of room!).

No real medical stuff to report. When you are praying for us (and I hope that everyone does as we always need as many prayers as we can get) please rememeber some of our friends who are going through some major trails right now. Remember Sean Boyle and his family (you can visit his website at www.caringbridge.com/nj/seanb) and Justin Ford and his family(www.caringbridge.com/ny/justintyler) and Shelley Langley (no website but a very dear friend who is dying of breast cancer). There are many many others but these are the 3 that come directly to mind.

Thanks for checking on us and have a good day.
Till next time.....
Cathy

Friday, April 05, 2002 at 11:52 PM (CST)

Hi everybody...just boring ole Cathy again ;-). Not alot to update about except that we have passed the "danger of fever" time (Thank God) and have managed to stay out of the hospital. Sabrina feels really good and today's labs show that she is on the rise (slow but sure). We MIGHT accidentally almost get the next round in on time (do we dare dream?).

We went to revival tonight with my parents, my Aunt Ween and cousin Debbie. My cousin Gary was leading the music (and did a wonderful job!!!) GO GARY! Then afterward we went by my Aunts house to visit. It was a very nice night.

Sabrina and I are planning on going to an antique/junk auction tomorrow. Those things are just so much fun! (and I always come home with so much "stuff").

That's about it from our house. Hope you have a great weekend.
Till next time.....
Cathy

Tuesday, April 02, 2002 at 03:07 PM (CST)

Hello everybody!

This is not Cathy speaking it's Sabrina. I decided that Mom hadn't updated in a while and that it was time to tell you what's going on in our lives. Well not much is going on. My counts have dropped and I have to get a blood transfusion tomorrow (which I hate). My immune system has dropped down to the point where mom is checking me every five minutes for fever. She doesn't just check me either, she sneaks it in. I think she's giving me a hug, no, she's secretly checking my forehead. I would appreciate it if everybody got on to her for that.
Other than my counts dropping nothing exciting has really happened. Mom and Jim go to work all day, I stay at home and do much of nothing, and Vito (our dog) sleeps. Our other dog Caesar just got home from a two week dissapearance, he's in bad shape to. His leg is very badly hurt and he is very irritable towards the other animals. Pray that he gets better, cuz I love my dogs and don't want to lose them.
I'm going to attempt to add a new picture to the photo album, so check in and see if any are there, if they aren't that means I messed up, so...sorry.
Well that's all for now, hope everyone else is doing well!
Sabrina

Friday, March 29, 2002 at 09:13 AM (CST)

We are home sweet home! Got in last night around 6:30. Sabrina is feeling pretty good now and even felt good enough when we got home to jump in her truck and go get Vito at Mom and Dads. I think she just needed to get "out" for a little bit. She and Mom have gone to Cape this morning to get Vincristine and labs. It's about time for her counts to start falling but not sure if they'll go all the way down or not with these new lower doses. If they do I am hoping and praying that they don't take so long to recover so that we can get the last 2 rounds done in some sort of timely fashion. Sabrina says it doesn't bother her to have so much time between rounds and she actually kind of likes it that way but I would really hate to see these treatments eat into her summer plans. Then again....there is a certain security that comes from being on treatment so........

That's about it for now. I seem to have several things that need my attention today so shouldn't have any trouble staying busy (now getting motivated might be another story).

Thanks for checking in and I hope everyone has a Lovely and Blessed Easter! And yes Donna....HE IS RISEN INDEED :-).
Till next time,
Cathy

Tuesday, March 26, 2002 at 06:04 AM (CST)

Hi everyone. Well today is the last day of chemo for this round. (amen!). It's been fairly uneventful week. Sabrina has had some stomach problems (in the form of cramping) but it's not been real bad and was fairly easily fixable. She was very restless yesterday so we walked around quite a bit. The Dr.s gave her the option of doing the last 2 days as an outpatient at the beginning of the week but at that point she felt so yukkie that she said no (and they have to know ahead of time to get all the meds set up)....anyway last night she was wishing she had taken them up on it. At least now we will know it's an option for next time. The first 3 days will still have to be in house because of the adriamycin though.

God willing we should be headed home Thursday. We want to get home before her counts drop. We'll be there for Easter but most likely that's when she'll be very neutropenic (no immune system) so no Easter Egg humts for us. I just hope and pray for no fevers this time and thus no at home hospital stays. But we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Not much else to report from here. Oh, they had dog visits last night (where they bring dogs in for the patients to see) and that was pretty cool. Made us miss Vito though.

Thanks for checking in and may God Blessings shine on your day (and mine :-).
Till next time......
Cathy

Saturday, March 23, 2002 at 07:31 PM (CST)

Day 2. This is day 2 of chemo and everything is pretty quiet (thank GOD). Sabrina has had the normal "chemo yukkies" but isn't throwing up and is eating decent (for lunch she had frito's and poptarts....so much for health food:-). Mostly she has just slept today which is how she wants it until the adriamycin run is over (which will be tomorrow evening). After that is done she usually starts feeling better during the day and is only yukkie feeling after the ifos. at night.
I've got alot of cross stitching done today! Not much else to do except eat (that's why I always gain weight when we are here :-). But I'll take this over her being really sick any day. Tonight is my night to stay at the hospital and Jim just left to go to the Inn. I'm very thankful to have that place to stay when we are here. And I'm thankful for this hospital and the Dr.'s and nurses that are caring for Sabrina. I'm not sure where we'd be without this place.

Some of our old friends are coming tomorrow night. The boys are some of Sabrina's buddies and Jodi (the mom) and I are good friends. That will be nice since we don't know hardly anyone here this time. Actually we do, we know a family from Egypt, one from Mexico and one from Puerto Rico. Only the ones from Egypt speak english (and it's broken English) but one thing I have learned is that hugs and smiles are understood in every language.

I will close now. Thanks to everyone for your continued prayers and support. If you have time please sign the guestbook (it really brightens our long boring days to read your entries).

Hope all is well with you.
Till next time.......
Cathy

Friday, March 22, 2002 at 12:58 PM (CST)

Well we are finally back to the "Hotel California". Yesterday was very interesting to say the least. Lets see if I can give you a short version of it. We got up at 4a.m. and left the house at a little after 5. Arrived in St. Louis a little before nine for a 10:21 flight. Got inside and the line to check bags for American was a mile long which turned into about an hours wait (maybe a little more). While this was frustrating (they were highly understaffed) it's wasn't a huge deal until they told us that our bags had to be searched. Of course this took us to another line (a much slower one). Now we were worried that we would miss our flight. After standing there for a little while I found someone who appeared to have authority and explained our dilema and they were kind enough to pull us out of that line and run our bags through an x-ray machine (we now had about 25 minutes until take-off). So then we go to the next line where you actually pick up your tickets after your bags have been searched. This wasted about 10 to 15 of our precious minutes (again...I blame all thiso on understaffing). We got the tickets and sprinted to the gate where the last passengers were still loading. We had just made it in time. Then when we showed our boarding passes we had to be searched AGAIN! I'm all for this new heightened security but there comes a point where I believe they go just a big overboard. By this time we are all very aggravated and we let the people at the gate know this. The flight was uneventful after that until we arrived in Maryland. We got there just in time to catch the NIH shuttle. I asked the driver to wait while Jim and Sabrina went to claim our luggage. After what seemed like forever the driver informed me that he couldn't wait any longer as he was already behind schedule. Sabrina showed up first and then Jim finally came up to meet us. He was NOT a happy camper. It seems they failed to load Sabrina's suitcase on our plane in St. Louis (how they could load 2 and not the other one is beyond me) and it was due in on the next flight. They assured us that as soon as it arrived it would be delivered to us. Since it was American's fault that we missed our shuttle we went down stairs and made them pay for a cab to bring us to NIH. We got to the Inn around 4 and then had to come to the hospital to have labs drawn. Sabrina and I decided that we'd just walk over because the weather was just beautiful. On the way over she stepped off a curb wrong and went straight down on her knees and twisted her ankle a little. She's ok now though, just has yet another bruise. When we got back to the Inn I called American to see about the suitcase. Seems it didn't make the 5 o'clock flight but should be in on the next one. Long story short (well ok not real short) it finally arrived at the Inn at 11:30 p.m. Needless to say, we were all very tired (and still are today).

Today has been better though. We came over early to the clinic and she got her physical done. We were just admitted about 2 hours ago and she is being hydrated now with chemo starting in just a little while. The doses are at 50% now compared to what we started on so this shouldn't be to hard on her at all.

Not much else to report. Please say a prayer for my Aunt Corrine who is in the hospital in Cape and for my Mom who is now not only worried about us but about her sister too.

Thanks for checking in and I hope your day is better than ours was yesterday :-).
Till next time....
Cathy

Wednesday, March 20, 2002 at 03:10 PM (CST)

Counts are up and we are leaving tomorrow. Please pray that they don't drop again after we get and delay things even longer.

I will update more later.
Thanks for checking in.
Till next time....
Cathy

Monday, March 18, 2002 at 07:26 PM (CST)

Plans have changed. We are not leaving tomorrow for Maryland. We all just knew that Sabrina's counts would be up enough to go but guess what.....they aren't. So we will repeat counts on Wednesday and see what happens then. If they aren't up enough then we'll do it again on Friday. I can't help but believe that this could be related to the mega dose of vincristine that she received but the Dr.'s all say they don't think so. They say that her bone marrow is just getting very tired from having been hit so hard so many times with chemo. There's no doubt now that doses will be reduced again as it doesn't look like her marrow will handle the doses it's been getting.

Also Sabrina's been having dizziness in the morning and at bedtime. It's bad enough that she staggers (for lack of a better word) sometimes. Doesn't happen during the day but only first thing in the morning and around bedtime. The NP said today that her electrolites could be messed up and that could be causing it. I'm praying so hard that this will pass on it's own. She doesn't need something else to deal with!

Please pray that God will guide the Dr.'s in all the decisions they make regarding Sabrina and that only what is best for her will be done.

Thanks for checking on us and we hope everything is good with you and yours.
Till next time.....
Cathy

Friday, March 15, 2002 at 11:58 PM (CST)

Quick update. Got counts done today and her platelets are 61,000. They need to be 75,000. Talked to the Dr. after counts were done and the plan is to have counts done again Monday and then fly out Tuesday if everything is ok on Monday (we have our reservations made) and prob. start chemo on Wednesday. It is very likely that the doses will be reduced again by 25% since it's taking so long for her to recover this time. This will hopefully enable them to get 6 rounds in and in a little more timely fashion. There is something new (therapy wise) that is a possibility for Sabrina. It's a sort of maintenance thing and I don't have alot of details on it yet. Will post more when I know more about it. The one thing that I found out today was that it comes with little to no side effects so I liked the sound of that (and so did Sabrina). I can tell by looking in Sabrina's eyes that she is very tired. She's really been pushing herself this week (walking and working on the cabin) so that's prob. why. I thought I would be upset if they reduced doses again but I'm not at all. I think her bone marrow is getting very tired and I'm actually glad they are doing it. She needs a break and so does her bone marrow.

We get to see the cabin tomorrow! I'm really excited. The kids have worked so hard getting it cleaned up this week. Still have painting and stuff like that to do but it has to be alot better than it was. My mom and dad are going too. It's going to be a family affair :-). Then after the cabin tour Jim and I are taking a little R & R to Cape. Not going far but just going to goof around and maybe see a movie and maybe shop a little. Brinie is having friends over (that's so much more fun when mom and dad aren't home :-)

Well that's it from here. We are all doing pretty good. Could be better, could be worse. Hope all is well with you.
Thanks for checking in.
Till next time......
Cathy

Tuesday, March 12, 2002 at 08:17 AM (CST)

Good morning. Thought I'd do a quick update this morning to let everyone know that things are still going good. Sabrina's counts are on the rise (but still not high enough for the next round of chemo to start) and she's feeling good. Yesterday morning she and I went for a walk (her idea) and then afterward she and Shauna went to the lake to work on their summer "cottage". I don't know if I mentioned it here or not but this summer Sabrina, Shauna and one of Shauna's friends from church are planning on living in a cabin at the lake. It belonged to Shauna's grandpa and is in pretty bad shape but the girls are so excited about it! I haven't seen Sabrina this excited about anything in a very long time. She worked all day and by 7:00 last night she was zonked and still is!

That's about it from here. Other than I am ready for some sunshine and to be able to get outside! I think I have "cooped up in the house syndrome" :-).

Thanks for checking and and I hope that you have a good day today.
Till next time.....
Cathy

Saturday, March 09, 2002 at 10:08 AM (CST)

Hi all. I have good news! Thank the Good Lord, Sabrina now seems to be over the vincristine side effects!! Other than fatigue (which I think she would have anyway) she's feeling so much better. She's up and around (even cleaned her room yesterday!!! :-), going out and just overall better.

I would still like to look at that extra vincristine that she got, not as a mistake, but as a blessing. If I can look at it that way it's easier for me to accept and keep my sanity (what little is left). Even if it was divine intervention, I will be more on my toes from now on. Had I studied all her doses I could have prevented her from going through alot of pain and suffering, however if God meant it to be then it was to be no matter what.

Things are going pretty good now (again, Thank You GOD). The apartments are all finished (except the yard and we have to wait on the weather to cooperate for that) and we have 2 of them rented. I hoping for 2 more renters before we head back to Maryland but if not then oh well.... they will rent and we are being pretty picky about who we rent them to.

For those of you who are interested in buying one of Sabrina's candles (and I'm starting to get several requests) I have just ordered a new batch. This time I got big ones and little ones. If you'd like to have one email me privately (mrsstan@aol.com) and I'll take care of it. As I have told you before, 30% of the profit for these candles (there are several very nice scents) is donated toward childhood cancer research. The lady who makes them has a daughter who is almost finished with treatment for leukemia. She also has a gift line and is coming out with a soap/lotion line (and one of these will be named after Sabrina also!). Anyway, later this spring I will be a rep. for her company. So you will be able to buy any candle, gift, or bath product that she sells from me and at the same time be supporting an extremely worthy cause. She hasn't got her rep catalogs all lined out yet but as soon as she does and we are up and running I will let everyone know. No pressure just wanted to pass this along. I'm excited to be involved in such a worth while project (and the fact that there are things named after Sabrina doesn't hurt anything either). In my opinion her candles are as good as yankee (and trust me I'm a huge yankee candle fan) and I'm sure her bath/body line will be as good as any out there.

Well that's it for now. Hope all is well with you. It feels very good for things to be going smoothly at our house once again.
Till next time.....
Cathy

Thursday, March 07, 2002 at 06:43 AM (CST)

I'd like to begin this update by saying "HAPPY 21ST BIRTHDAY" to Samantha! We love you babe and are proud of you!!

Things are getting better here. Maybe not as quickly as I'd like but I'll take better any day and at any speed. Sabrina is feeling much better. She's still very tired and achy, and for some reason yesterday her legs were hurting her but pain medicine helped that. The blood transfusion helped in that she does seem to have more energy and her lips aren't quite as pale. We will have counts done today to see what's going on. The wbc dropping is still a mystery but hopefully today that too will be up and she can soon get off the shot to boost her white blood cells (normally it takes around 10 -15 of those to bring her up.....she's had over 20 now).
But the best part is that she feels better and I am praying that will continue. One of her good friends is coming home for spring break this weekend and will be here for a week. I think that will help to perk her up alot!

I've decided to do my best to just forgive (I'm afraid that I won't ever be able to forget) the people involved in the over dose of vincristine. One person signed the guest book and said that maybe it was supposed to happen for some reason. I had thought of that. Maybe it was divine intervention and really helped her in some way. That would defineately explain how 2 medical professionals could make the same mistake. It still scares me to think about what "could" have happened. Both of the people involved have called now and apologized. That's more than you would normally get from someone in the medical field so I just have to let it go. I will defineately be on my toes from now on and by the time round 4 is over I will know exactly what dose she gets of everything!

That's about it from here. Life is defineately better now that Sabrina is feeling better (I'll still be glad when she's back to where she actually should be) and we are just taking one day at a time.
Thanks for checking in.
Till next time.....
Cathy

Monday, March 04, 2002 at 09:40 PM (CST)

Hi everyone. Today I found out "the rest of the story". I told you yesterday that a Dr. from NIH had written the incorrect dose for vincristine on the letter that he wrote to Dr. Yuen (the local onc). Well today I found out that not only did this Dr. write the incorrect dose but Dr. Yuen's nurse (Luanne) called NIH because she was uncomfortable giving that big a dose, and spoke with a nurse there. The nurse confirmed the incorrect, large dose. Why would she do that? Did she just not take the time to look it up? Did she not know about the max dose of vincristine being 2mg? I just don't get it. I can see one person making the mistake (although a chemo dose isn't really something you make a mistake with) but to have it confirmed by another medical professional who has access to Sabrina's records and doses......
That's pretty much what's been on my mind all day. That and the fact that we really haven't heard anything from anyone there since I told them that I knew the dose had been confirmed by one of their nurses (and the real kicker here is that this nurse and I were friends.....and we haven't heard a word from her!) other than a brief phone call from an NP there that we see.

On to other things.....Sabrina is feeling better today. She actually got out and drove her truck! She came to town to have lunch with me and then went and had her labs done. This is the first time in over 3 weeks she has driven her truck. She's still having some of the effects but I think, for the most part, they are gone. Now we are dealing with her counts dropping again. She will have to have blood tomorrow at Cape. Hopefully that will give her more energy and make her feel even better (maybe I need some blood??).

We are having Sam's birthday supper tomorrow night. I'm looking forward to it!
I still can't believe she's going to be 21. No wonder I'm so tired :-).

That's it from here for today. Hopefully, other than getting blood, tomorrow will be fairly uneventful. I'm still trying to decide how I'm supposed to feel about all the crap that's happened over the past week.
Till next time....
Cathy

Sunday, March 03, 2002 at 09:27 AM (CST)

Well we now know what is causing Sabrina's pain (actually I guess I should say we are about 98% sure). Last Monday she got a dose of vincristine in Cape. This is a chemo that is given once a week for 3 weeks and then stopped until the next round of chemo begins. This chemo doesn't lower your blood counts and doesn't make you sick like the other ones but what it can do is cause neurological problems (usually limited to numbness in the fingers and toes and jaw pain). Sabrina doesn't normally have many side effects from this chemo and when she does they are very mild and only last a day or two.

Anyway...Monday Dr. Yuen gave her the vincristine according the the directions he was given by the Dr. (the fellow not the attending) at NIH. The directions were written incorrectly and she was given a double dose. Her max dose is supposed to be 2mg (per dose) and she was given 4mg because the orders stated 2mg/m2 (this means 2mg times meters squared and Sabrina is 2 meters squared). With these directions the correct dose would be 4mg but what he failed to put on there (since he felt the need to throw in the m2 part)was that while most chemo doses are figured X m2 the max dose for vincristine (in Sabrina's case) is 2mg. So, the reason for all the pain she's been having is that she is having neurological side effects due to a mega dose of vincristine.

Am I upset about this? Of course I am. This could have all been avoided and she could be enjoying her time at home (she was actually feeling really good before this happened) instead of being miserable. At the same time I am very thankful that this will not cause permanent damage and that we can already see her getting better. We have been assured that this will go completely away with time and yesterday she was better so hopefully by today or tomorrow this will subside and she can have at least a few days at home that she feels good.

While this could have been avoided (and should have NEVER happened) it could have been worse and I am thankful that it wasn't.
Thanks for checking in.
Till next time.....
Cathy

Saturday, March 02, 2002 at 09:04 AM (CST)

The pain continues :-(. Jim took Sabrina to Dr. Yuen (the local oncologist) yesterday to see if he could figure out where this pain is coming from. It's still really bad but last night seemed maybe a little better (at least she wasn't crying last night). The Dr. believes that this is just a side effect from vincristine and gave her pain pills to take the edge off but if it's not better in a few days then there are other things it could be. One is shingles! We're supposed to watch her closely for blisters. He really doesn't think that's what it is but says it's a possibility and they are very common in immuno suppressed people. (I'd like to thank my dear friend Carole for bringing this possibility to our attention so I could pass it on to the Dr.) I just hope and pray that when she gets up today she's alot better. It's frustrating to see her in this kind of pain and even more so to not know for sure what is causing it.

Other than that I have a sinus infection and some sort of bronchial thing going on. Went to the Dr. yesterday to get meds as I cannot be sick! I don't have time for that and it's sure not good for Sabrina. I didn't think sinus infections were contagious but it's strange that Jim is just getting over one and then I get it too??

Sam is doing good. Staying so busy with school and work (and Darrick :-). She has such a tight schedule that it makes me tired just thinking about it. She's got a big 21st birthday coming up (I'm not really old enough to have a 21 year old ;-). We are going to celebrate it on Tuesday because on Thursday (her actual bday) she has plans with friends plus she has class that day. She's already given me her "menu" for her birthday dinner.

That's about it from our house except that I'm swimming in paperwork and trying to force myself to get all my tax stuff together for our accountant. I think I have put it off as long as possible so gotta roll my sleeves up and dig in (oh boy!).

Thanks for checking in. May God's blessings shine brightly on your life today and always.
Till next time.....
Cathy

Thursday, February 28, 2002 at 02:33 PM (CST)

Time for an update. Sabrina has a new thing going on now (imagine that!). She is having pain in her lower jaw that shoots down her neck and up into her head. Happens when she eats and drinks and it also hurts to talk. It could be a side effect from the vincristine (chemo) that she takes as that can cause jaw pain and other neurological side effects but it's not usually this severe and doesn't usually go up into your head. She's on antibiotics so I think the chances are slight that it could be an infection but (there's always a but) it could be a pocket of infection that antibiotics can't reach (but then would it be on both sides??) and it could be caused by having her teeth pulled (we thought that was suppose to help....). So we'll wait and see what tomorrow brings and if she's not better then it's back to the Dr. we go (hi-ho).

I went to the back Dr. today. It was a very productive visit. He told me that my back still hurts. duh.

Our apartments are done. Just like being cleaned up which I did last night and will prob. work on again tonight. Now we just need renters and we'll be all set (except for the outside work which will have to wait till it warms up some). They turned out really nice so we shouldn't have any trouble renting them.

Well that's about it from here. I'm so ready for Sabrina to feel good again and feel like getting out and doing stuff. It's not fair that she feels bad when we are home. Pray for us.
Thanks for checking on us.
Till next time.....
Cathy

Tuesday, February 26, 2002 at 08:10 AM (CST)

In my last update I was thanking people and I left out the most important one. My mom. She came up and stayed at the hospital (and slept on that pitiful little cot thing) so that I could go and get some real rest. For some reason Sabrina won't ever give me her comfortable bed *HA* (although I heard that she did offer it to mom :-). I really don't know what I'd do without my mom and dad. They have pulled so much slack for us in so many ways. I don't think we'll ever be able to really repay them. So, Thanks Mom and Dad.
Till next time....
Cathy

Monday, February 25, 2002 at 01:08 PM (CST)

We are home again (lease I think we live here???). Sabrina's counts cooperated and she was released from the hospital yesterday. But since Jim was home sick (we now know he isn't contagious but has a bad sinus infection) and because we had to be back in Cape today for vincristine (chemo) we opted to stay at Sam's last night instead of coming home. Thank God for Sam's apartment (and for Sam)! So we went to the Dr. today, got the vincristine and then headed home.

Sabrina and I are both tired but overall she is feeling pretty good. Some of her numbers are still low (which would explain her tiredness.... I don't guess I have a real good excuse for mine) but her immune system is back up so that she can fight things off.

It's good to be home once again. Thank you for your prayers and phone calls and thanks to Penny and Phil for coming up to see us and for taking me out to eat. Also to Amber and Ben for coming up and again to Sam for being such a good sister and daughter!

Till next time..
Cathy

Saturday February 23, 2002 3:25 PM CST

We are back in the hospital. In Cape this time. Yesterday Sabrina had to get blood because her counts were so low. Before she left (my mom took her) I took her temp. It was low but there. Because her counts were so very low and she still had the temp when they got to Cape she was admitted. The Dr. said today that she will most likely be in at least until Monday.

She can have visitors and phone calls but is in isolation so visitors have to be kept to a minimum and no one that is or might be sick can come. Jim is home with what appears to be a case of the flu so this means he can't come either. And I pray that he's over it before Monday (or whenever she gets out) or I'm not sure what we will do. At least we are in a hospital close to home. That makes it more bearable.

Till next time...
Cathy

Wednesday February 20, 2002 8:33 AM CST

SURPRISE, SURPRISE! We are home!!! The Dr.'s decided we could do neutropenia at home (we have a plan for fever but are praying she doesn't get one this time). I didn't mention that we might come home early for 2 reasons. We wanted to surprise everybody (thought my mom was gonna cry last night when we showed up there) and didn't want to get any hopes up if it didn't work out.

Sabrina is very neutropenic right now so we will stay confined to the house (and hopefully not a hospital!) until her counts come back up. Visitors will be kept to a minimum until her counts recover and I ask that everyone respect this. It's not that she can't have any visitors but she just can't have any that might be sick or getting sick as we can't risk her getting any virus's right now.

It was so nice to sleep in our own bed last night and to have a decent pillow! The pillow's at the Inn are like sleeping on a board and they rattle (but I'm very thankful to have that place and the pillow is just a minor thing). Sabrina always travels with her own pillow but Jim and I don't as we have so much other stuff to pack there's just no room.

Just wanted to let everyone know we are home and glad to be here.

Thanks for checking in. Till next time.....
Cathy

Saturday February 16, 2002 8:47 PM CST

We are sprung! Sabrina got out of the hospital at 9:30 this morning. She is sooo happy to be out. Course she'd like to be home but she says that about anything is better than the hospital. She has a fluid bag but it doesn't bother her much except that it is heavy. She'll have to go back in the morning and get it changed and then can get rid of it on Monday. She slept alot today but is really feeling good! I'm so thankful for that and for the fact that we can all be together tonight in the same room and in semi-comfortable beds (actually they aren't bad now because we got new mattress's).

The roses still remain a mystery :-). She's not dwelling on it now but does mention every once in a while that she wonders who would send them. Whoever did it must be an angel:-).

That's about it for now. Not much going on except that we are very happy to no longer be in the hospital.

Hope all is well with everyone.
Till next time....
Cathy

Friday February 15, 2002 8:55 AM CST

Well it's been 3 days now since my last update. Things are still going pretty smooth here. Sabrina continues to handle this round pretty good. She's not really been sick (just felt yukky) and is still eating good. She's been very emotional the past few days but these bouts of saddness don't last long (thank God). We never know what will trigger one of them though. I know that part of it is just feeling so bad and being tired. Both of those things can take a toll on you and she's just been through soooooo much. Way more than her share. For the most part though she is upbeat. We even when to the family room and played a game last night. Also ordered pizza yesterday (which she finished for breatfast this morning :-). When she feels good she is bored and stir crazy. She's defineately ready to get out of this hospital which should happen tomorrow afternoon :-) :-).

I would like to say thanks to my dear friend Carole (Cigi) for the sweet bears she sent, and to Shelia for the box of goodies, and to my mom for the cards and snack money :-), and to the mystery person that send the beautiful roses to Sabrina for valentines day. Whoever you are you sure have her wondering!! Also to everyone who has sent cards....as I've said before somedays mail is the highlight of the day so we really enjoy getting it. Everyone is so very sweet to us so thanks to all of you for being there for us during this very difficult time.

If you haven't done so lately please sign out guestbook. That's kind of like getting an e-card. We always like to look at it and see who is checking on us.

Thanks also for all your prayers. There are so many kids out here that need them too so remember them also when you pray. Thanks for checking in and have a great day.
Oh, and Happy belated Valentines Day :-).
Till next time.....
Cathy

Tuesday February 12, 2002 12:43 AM CST

Time for an update from Hotel California (got that from one of my friends :-). But if you think about it that song "Hotel California" has a verse in it that says "you can check out any time you like but you can never leave....." and sometimes that kind of how we feel.

Anyway, on to the update. Sabrina was admitted on Sunday night for hydration. It was a calm night. Then Monday chemo started. That's always a busy day. With the way they are running her chemo, even though she has a port in her chest, she still has to have an i.v. in her arm for 2 days while one of the chemo's run. So got all that done and then got started. She did really well yesterday. Just had a little nausea in the afternoon and they gave her meds that put her to sleep. She basically slept from 5 to 11:30, woke up hungry so I fixed her spagetti O's (it's all I could find that late at night), then she went right back to sleep and slept till 3. At 3 she woke up with her i.v. arm hurting. It was hurting because the needle had gone through the vein . So that had to all be redone and now the i.v. is in the other arm and she has a nice little bruise in the first arm. She woke up this morning feeling decent (she's got the chemo yukkies but that's expected). She ate some biscuits and gravy then went back to sleep. Jim got in yesterday and stayed at the Inn last night so when he got here this morning I went over and took a shower and rested for a little while. When I got back she had eaten ravioli for lunch and had me bring her some chex mix. So her appetite is good (one of the meds they give her for nausea also helps with appetite). So far she hasn't thrown up and right now she is sitting in her bed playing a play station game. So except for the i.v. thing this is going pretty smooth so far.

That's about it from here. Please keep us in your prayers (they are defineately helping!) and we hope you have a good day.
Till next time....
Cathy

Friday February 8, 2002 10:37 AM CST

Hello from Maryland. Sabrina is healing nicely from her dental surgery and is feeling much better now. We may even go to the mall tomorrow if she's up to it. Her counts are coming up fast so the plan is that we will be admitted on Sunday night and chemo will start Monday. This is a good thing but, of course, she's not real excited about it.

Her little boyfriend just left to go home. He wanted to know would she still be here when he comes back in 2 weeks. He is soooo precious! We both got a hug and a kiss before they left. He was knocking on our door early this morning wanting to know if Sabrina was up yet and could come and play with him. Again, please keep them in your prayers. His mom has alot on her plate as Randy has many problems but thanks to prayer he is improving steadily. Lets just pray that these new meds get rid of his tumor once and for all!! (you can say that prayer for us too).

I'd like to point out something that you may not ever give a thought to. The next time you go buy groceries... count your blessings that you are able to just get in your car, take your time (or not) and do it at your own leisure. Sometimes we forget t be thankful for little things like that. It's a long story why I am saying this but it all stems from our grocery run experience last night which is a very long story. I'm not griping and I am soooo thankful for what we have out her but sometimes that grocery run can be quite the fiasco!

That's about it from here. I'll update again in a few days. If I haven't done it already (my mind is going fast!) I'd like to ask you to also pray for our friends Patty and Sean. Some of you have heard me make reference to Battypatti (one of my online friends). Sean is her son and he just relapsed this week for the second time with rhabdo.

Thanks for checking in.
Till next time...
Cathy

Wednesday February 6, 2002 8:09 PM CST

Hi all. We are in Maryland. Sabrina and I got here last night (Jim is coming before chemo starts) and reported to the dental clinic early this morning. They pulled all her wisdom teeth and the Dr. said that everything went perfect. The top 2 were already through the gums but the bottom 2 were just pushing through. She only had one stitch though. Her mouth is very sore and for 24 hours she's on a "mush" diet (she's really loving that!). Our grocery selection is pretty limited as they cancelled the bus to the grocery store today so we are scrounging from the pantry. She actually ate baby food tonight. I think she's so hungry she'd eat about anything right now. Barring any problems her mouth should heal pretty quickly.

We go to the oncology clinic tomorrow morning for labs and physical. I guess we will find out then when they think chemo will start. It is dependent on her counts and how her mouth heals. I really wish we could have had the dental thing done at home but it was just too risky with her immune system being suppressed so we did it here. It should only extend our stay by one week tops (God willing).

I have posted our new room number for anyone who wants to send cards. We are only one room over from where we were the last time (C9 vs C8). We all have the habit of proping our doors open here since you have to have a key to get in if you let it close. Yesterday, twice,I walked into the wrong room! I was used to going in C8 and they had their door propped..... luckily they weren't in there.

Sabrina has a new boyfriend out here. His name is Randy and he has the most beautiful eyes and a laugh that would steal any girls heart. He went all around the clinic today telling everyone that he loved Sabrina and that she was his valentine! Oh, did I mention that he is 6? Randy has a brain tumor that has spread down his back (spine). He is just starting a new, very experimental, protocol. Please say a prayer for him. He was a little upset tonight that Sabrina couldn't come out to "play" and when I told him she was sleeping he had to come see for himself.
He was satisfied that she really didn't feel good then.

Well that's about it from Maryland for now. I'll update again when there's something else to tell.

Thanks for checking in and we hope things are going good in your life.
Till next time......
Cathy

Monday February 4, 2002 11:35 AM CST

Thought I'd do a quick update. Got a call from the NP (nurse practioner) in Maryland this morning. They want us out there Wednesday for the dental surgery. so we have a whole 24 hours to do everything we have to do and pack. Guess that's plenty of time. Jim isn't going for the surgery but is coming out next week when chemo starts so it will just be me and Sabrina for a week.

I'll post our address (address is actually the same but we'll have a new room number at the Inn) in case anyone would like to send cards (she really does enjoy the cards and when we are out there with not alot to do sometimes getting mail is the hightlight of the day).

Will post again from Maryland.
Till next time.....
Cathy

Friday February 1, 2002 10:29 PM CST

Hi. I need to begin this update with some very sad news. A dear friend lost his battle to cancer yesterday afternoon. I have mentioned him in prior updates, his name is Lee. Lee was so sweet. Always happy, and always had a hug for me. This news has hit me hard. Harder than I even want to admit. And I feel selfish for even thinking about me right now... what about Tracy, his mother. If you would like to read about Lee's journey you can at www.caringbridge.com/pa/leeswebpage

I have watched too many kids die from this monster called cancer. I will never ever understand why... why innocent children? No one is immune. If it could happen to Sabrina, Lee, or the many many other kids that I know then it could happen to anyone. Sometimes I feel like screaming that to all the moms who seem to not appreciate thier kids....but they wouldn't listen so I stay quiet. There are so many things that I don't understand but the one thing that I am sure of is that I HATE cancer and especially childhood cancer. I hate the way it can just come, without warning, and take over your life. I hate the way it has robbed Sabrina (and so many other kids) of so many things. I hate everything about it and the worse part is how defenseless it makes me feel. Ask any parent of a kid with cancer (or any other serious illness) and they will tell you that that is possibly the worse part. We are supposed to be able to fix our kids and make them well and then this demon comes in and renders us virtually useless. I do my best to keep my chin up and make the best of every situation and Sabrina is amazing in how she handles it all but there are times (like now) when it all hits home. Don't worry I'm not snapping or anything. I get like this every time a child dies that I know (and that's not something that a person could EVER get used to).

On a more positive note... things are going good here. Sabrina got blood yesterday and seems to have more energy today. Her counts are on the rise so I'm guessing that we've got maybe one more week before round 3 starts. Sabrina is ready to fight and so am I. She has beat so many odds and has been the exception to so many rules that I have to believe she will beat this thing. Even the doctors are very optimistic. I guess only God really knows but we have hope and hope is all there really is.

Please remember Lee's family in your prayers. And remember us too. This is by far the hardest journey any parent (and child) could have to walk and it makes it so much easier when we know we are being lifted up.

Till next time....
Cathy

Wednesday January 30, 2002 8:32 PM CST

We got our call from the Dr. this morning as expected. No real revelations in what he had to say except that we now know for sure that they do not want to do surgery or radiation at this point. We were pretty sure about the surgery situation but weren't sure about radiation. To be honest, while I know that radiation is very effective for this type of cancer, I wasn't real crazy about her having it this time because of the area that would have to be radiated. But had they said it was important we would have probably moved forward with it. The reason the Dr. gave was that this field of radiation would overlap some with the last field and the overlapping area's would be getting more than they should get. They do recommend more chemo (as we expected) but at this point are not sure just how much and at what doses. That all depends on how long it takes her to recoup between rounds. Tecnically she is on what's called a 21 day cycle. This means that day one starts with the first day of chemo and you count to 21 days and then cycle 2 starts (with day 1 again). Because Sabrina has had so much chemo her bone marrow isn't allowing the 21 day cycle to happen. The first cycle was actually 42 days and today is day 21 of cycle 2 with her counts only slowly showing recovery. So we'll just have to wait that one out. Sabrina says she is up for the fight (thank you GOD) so we will move forward.

The wisdom teeth are still an issue. They want them out but have all the same issues as before. Will there be an opportunity before chemo needs to start again? We'll just play that one by ear too.

I think Jim and I may be getting used to being at home again now. We get so "out of shape" when we are in Maryland (work wise) that it takes time to adjust and we both get worn out pretty fast for a while. Course I'm sure that stress has nothing to do with that :-).

Sabrina has to get blood tomorrow. She can't get out of it this time because her levels have dropped to the point that it's not optional anymore. My mom is going with her so she's not by herself all day in the clinic.

Sam is doing good and staying very busy with school and work. She and Darrick are still together and seem to be getting....uuumm....very tight (for lack of a better phrase). We like him and want Sam to be happy. But if he hurts her I'll have to kill him (kidding Darrick... but you better not hurt her!) And Sam will prob. kill me for saying all this but that's what moms do best (love ya Sam :-).

I think that's it from our house. Vito is happy to be home too. Poor little guy stays so confused. I think he doesn't know exactly where he really lives right now but he's pretty comfortable here and at moms (he's spoiled rotten!).

Hope everything is good with you and thanks for checking on us. We're hanging in there and taking one day at a time.
Till next time....
Cathy

Monday January 28, 2002 6:59 PM CST

Hi everyone. Thought I'd fill you in on how things are going since we are home. Sabrina is feeling very good! She had labs done on Friday and was borderline for needing a transfusion. This normally would make a person tired but it didn't seem to effect her much. She ran all weekend! She went to Cape today to get the transfusion and her counts are slowly starting to come back up so she told them she didn't want it. When you are borderline they will sometimes let you decide and one thing she hates is getting blood (because it is a long and boring day). She had them call the Dr. because she didn't want it and he agreed that she didn't have to have it. It's good when she can have control in a situation that is usually very much out of her control. As one nurse put it today "she's becoming quite assertive". Gee... I wonder where she gets that?

The big meeting is tomorrow in Maryland. I don't expect to hear anything until Wednesday about what was decided. I'm anxious to know what the doctors are thinking now though but I'll do my best to be patient. I know that we will do more chemo just not how much more. And we don't know about radiation yet. I almost hope that we don't do that this time but if the doctors think it's best then I guess we will.

That's about it from our house. Sabrina is staying the night with Sam tonight (I think she's sick of me and Jim) and will be home sometime tomorrow. She amazes me at how well she is doing now. I thank God for that every day!!

I feel like I am coming down with some sort of bug. So if you think about it please say a little prayer for me too that I don't get sick. I just simply cannot be sick for a number of reasons but mainly because I don't want to pass something on to Brinie.

Thanks for checking in. Till next time...
Cathy

Friday January 25, 2002 7:43 AM CST

WE ARE HOME!!!! How sweet it is :-). It's always a little strange at first to have control over this big house as compared to having one room in Maryland but no matter what it's always nice to be home. That trip seems to get longer each time but I am so thankful for everything we have that I try not to pay attention to it. Where would we be if God had not directed us to these doctors in Maryland? The Dr. in St. Louis gave up on Sabrina a long time ago. She (the St. Louis doc), told us basically that if we didn't do a stem cell transplant Sabrina might not "make it" to get the vaccine (she was wrong), she said that Sabrina's body would not tolerate other chemo's (she was wrong... maybe they weren't her idea??), She said that she defineatly would not tolerate heavy therapy (she was wrong).... like I said she gave up on us and I believe it's all because we went against her wishes and refused to put Sabrina through the stem cell transplant. Oh well, that is the past and I truly believe that God led us to where we are and today is what matters. (gee... I don't even know where all that came from??)

Once again I am somewhat overwhelmed at all I have to do in the short time we will be here but I know that at some point my brain will kick in and go into overdrive and hopefully get it all done. Our apartments that we are building should be done while we are home so having that out of the way will be a huge relief. (well it will if I can get them all rented and stary paying for them :-) And then there's taxes that have to be done... Ok, I think I have whined enough.

Sabrina is doing great! We get labs done today to make sure it's ok for her to be out and about and also to see if she will need any blood products today or tomorrow. Hopefully everything is up and she can just chill out for a while. The swelling in her jaw has gone down but she says it's still very tender. If they don't pull those teeth this will be an ongoing thing for as long as she is taking treatments. Other than that she's not really having in problems (WOW!...) and that is such a relief.

Please continue to pray for us. Pray for complete healing of my daughter and renewed faith for all of us. Also I mentioned Lee a few posts ago. Please keep this young man in your prayers (www.caringbridge.com/pa/leeswebpage). There are so many families that I could list here that need prayers. When you stay in a place like the Children's Inn where everyone has a child who has something wrong with him/her you never run out of someone to pray for. This is a sort of "hidden" world that the average person doesn't normally give a thought to (I know before dx, 3 1/2 years ago, I didn't) but a world that needs to be brought out of the closet and made very public so that people can pray and help more than they do. But it's really strange.... At the Inn and the hospital everyone is dealing with something big and yet for the most part they are a happy group of people that forms bonds quickly and support one another in a way that would amaze most people.

Ok, that's enough rambling. Thanks for checking in and we hope and pray that things are good in your world today.
Till next time....
Cathy

Tuesday January 22, 2002 4:55 PM CST

Looks like we are going HOME! It may not be for long but that's ok. We'll get vincristin(chemo)and labs done tomorrow and then head out Thursday morning. Sabrina's counts have started to recover and they are up enough that she can travel safely . Thing is, because they are coming up so much quicker than last time (or appear to be anyway) that means we prob. won't be at home quite as long as last time but that's ok.

I'm not sure if I posted about her jaw swelling but at any rate it has been (after both chemo's) so we had a dental consult today and they think that all her wisdom teeth need to come out and preferably before the next round of chemo. But... the oncologists have to discuss this as it could delay chemo and they need to weigh all the good and bad. We know it would delay it for one week but if there were problems it could delay it more. If we leave them in then it's a given that the bottom ones are going to swell and hurt (her jaw was really big yesterday) everytime her counts are down. The danger is that when they swell up infection could set in and that too could be dangerous. So I guess we'll know next week what's going to happen there. Also I think they are going to be discussing her case in detail so that maybe we'll know a little more about a "plan" instead of just going from one round to the next and not really knowing what's ahead. But I'm ok with the play it by ear thing if that's how it has to be. I've learned to be very flexible.

Well that's it from our world. When you are saying your prayers please include a young man that we have gotten acquainted with here whose not doing so well. His name is Lee and he's got the same kind of cancer as Sabrina. If you'd like to visit his webpage it's www.caringbridge.com/pa/leeswebpage
I know his mom would love to hear from you and love to know that more prayers are coming their way. And as always, please continue to remember us in your prayers. We have been very blessed during the past few weeks (no doubt a direct result of the power of prayer) but we still have alot to endure and are always in need of prayers.

Till next time.....
Cathy

Sunday January 20, 2002 8:09 PM CST

Time for another update. I thought I posted one after the 17th but guess not. Actually there's not a whole lot to report. Sabrina's counts have completely bottomed out now and we're just hanging out hoping for no fever (if she gets fever she has to be admitted). Last night she was feeling bad and we all just knew it was coming but it never got up high enough to have to go in and then it just went down on its own. Yesterday she spent about 8 hours at the hospital getting 2 bags of packed red blood cells and one bag of platelets. I was with her in the morning and the Jim stayed with her the rest of the day so that I could go to the mall for a little while. I got back early and had supper waiting for them when they got here. Today we have had another day of not doing a thing. Sabrina can't get out when she's low like this so we just hang out here. Hopefully since she's already bottomed out she'll start coming up sometime this week and we can go home for a little while. We really don't know if the time frame will be the same as the last round since the chemo doses were slighly reduced. Actually I hope that we can do the treatments a little closer together for 2 reasons. First and foremost they are supposed to be more effective when done close together and secondly the closer together they are the quicker she can get done with this and back to her life. But on the other side of that coin is the safety net that treatment provides. I'll just leave it up to God and go with the flow.

Well that's about it from us. Hope everyone is doing good and as always.... thanks for checking in on us :-).
Till next time....
Cathy

Thursday January 17, 2002 6:28 AM CST

Hello from Maryland. Thought I should update again since it's been a few days. Sabrina did her last chemo (for this round) on Sunday and was released from the hospital on Monday ! It was Monday afternoon by the time they finished with her meds and we got back to the Inn. Then Tuesday we did NOTHING! We all just sat around all day (or layed around:-) and were very lazy (we ate alot). Then yesterday she had to be in the clinic at 11:00 to get counts done and get her vincristine. Her heart had been racing some so they sent us downstairs for an EKG (which was fine) but the problem was that labs showed her to be dehydrated. I was surprised as it seemed she had been drinking alot at the Inn but I failed to take into account how much she had been sleeping at which times, of course, she was not drinking. This actually happened the last time after chemo too but not to the degree it was yesterday. So we hung out in the clinic getting hydrated until 5:00 p.m. Then back at the Inn they had a Beach Party planned so we went out and ate "beach" food with everyone and then Sabrina said she was tired and came back to the room. When the party actually started I coaxed her (and Jim) out and we all had a very good time. Sabrina even found the energy to dance! And Jim wore a paper/grass skirt! She tired out around 8 but seemed to have a very good time before that. I have tons of pictures. All our friends from the Inn were down there so that made it even better. Sabrina had her face painted (the whole face) pink, white and blue with flowers all over it (this face-painting gal was very elaborate in her work) and then I had mine done (promised Tina that if she would I would) like a tiger. Tina got an ocean sunset. Maybe I'll post the painted faces pictures.... or maybe not :-).

We have to go back to the clinic today to have labs done again and make sure things are ok. I'm sure they will be. No word on how long we will be here this time. Sabrina's counts are coming down but she's no where near bottoming out. She's trying to talk the Dr.'s into letting her go home early this time so we'll see what happens.

Thanks for checking in and have a good day.
Till next time.....
Cathy

Sunday, January 13, 2002 at 07:49 AM (CST)

Let me begin the update by saying HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my mom. I'm sorry we can't be there with you today Mom but know that we love you and are so glad your ours :-).

Next, before I get into telling you how Sabrina is, I want to say THANK YOU SO MUCH to Beth and Bob McQuinn. They are "friends" from my online support group that I have never met in person and day before yesterday they came to see us and brought us KFC (at Sabrina's request.... and btw Beth she's still enjoying the potatoes and gravy). We had the best visit with them. They are truly amazing people and very sweet and easy to relate to. Again THANKS for coming over, for the food, the conversation and the friendship. You guys are the greatest. Also, they do fund raising for childhood cancer research (in a very big way) so if anyone is interested in donating to their cause please email me privately and I'll direct you to the right place. 100% of the money they raise goes to help find a CURE for childhood cancers.

Now to Sabrina, This has been a fairly quiet week (what a blessing). She has the chemo yukkies but has only actually gotten sick once all week! . We had a little round yesterday about her taking some anti-constipation meds and she held on to that strong hard headedness (where on earth does she get that?) and refused to take it. So you know she's feeling fairly decent when she can put up a fight like that :-). She has one more day of chemo (today) and then hopefully we'll be out of here tomorrow night and back to the Inn. Then it will be the same routine. Wait for her counts to drop then come back up and hopefully get to come home for a week or so before the next round starts. The Dr.'s aren't sure how many rounds we will do at this point. They are taking it one round at a time but the original plan was to do 6 so we'll see.

All in all life is good right now (Praise GOD). Thank you for your prayers and please keep them coming!
Till next time.....
Cathy

Thursday, January 10, 2002 at 01:09 PM (CST)

Hello everyone. I have some very good news to share. We got the scan results yesterday and after just one round of chemo the CANNOT even see the tumor any more!!!! Praise God because that is defineately an answered prayer (even more than I prayed for). The Dr.'s are very encouraged by this (and I think maybe a little in awe). This means NO SURGERY!!!! That was my biggest prayer and it was answered. What a good feeling. She does have to still do chemo and possibly radiation because there can still be cells in there that are to small to see so they want to make sure they kill them all (now that is my prayer.... that we get rid of this thing once and for all and my daughter can have her life back).
They have reduced the chemo doses to hopefully lesson the side effects and also so that maybe she will recover faster and the rounds can be done closer together like they are supposed to be. She started chemo yesterday and so far she hasn't thrown up. She feels "yucky" but is sleeping most of the time so that is good. One day at a time.....

Thank you all so much for your prayers. Please don't stop now as we still need them prob. more than ever. Let's all pray that we get rid of this beast once and for all.

Till next time......
Cathy

Monday, January 07, 2002 at 04:52 PM (CST)

Hi all. We are now back in Maryland. Our travel plans got moved up a day because they rescheduled surgery (to put a new port in) for Monday instead of Thursday so we traveled yesterday (all day!)and she had surgery this morning. Everything went well except that we messed up and forgot she couldn't chew gum before surgery. When you are NPO (which means no food or water after a certain time) you aren't even supposed to chew gum. On the way to the hospital she asked me for gum and without even thinking I gave it to her. So she walks into the surgery prep room with gum in her mouth. It wasn't a huge deal but it delayed surgery for 2 hours. So we got up super early and rushed over there only to sit for 2 hours before they took her back. Other than that the surgery went well, she slept the biggest part of the day and feels pretty good other than being very sore.

Tomorrow she has an MRI at 8:00a.m. and a CT at 1:30. This means no food or drink (or gum)before 1:30. It's not as big a deal though if you "mess up" before a CT as it is when you do before surgery.

We aren't sure yet what Wednesday holds as we only got schedules for today and tomorrow so far. I'm sure we'll find out tomorrow.

Coming here this time was sort of like "coming home" (well ok not exactly but in some ways it was similiar). We saw one set of our friends (Carmen and Lewis from Puerto Rico) at the airport just getting back, and then another set (Jodi, Tony and Sean from Arizona) also got here last night and Sabrina got a huge hug from Tony as soon as he saw her (he's about 9 or 10 and just LOVES Sabrina), and the family from Egypt that we roomed with last time is back from the holidays and last but not least our best friends Tina and Tenisha from Jamica are still here. So it was good to see everyone. Having friends here makes it a little more bearable.

That's it for now. Please say a special prayer for us this week as we head back into chemo. My prayer is that this time isn't as hard on her as the last time was. Hopefully it won't be since they have maybe found the right mixture of drugs for her to help keep her comfortable and since we are NOT doing the IL-11 again.

Till next time.....
Cathy

Thursday, January 03, 2002 at 10:14 PM (CST)

What a day! My day started at 3:30 this morning. I was awakened by a stabbing pain in my stomach. No matter what I did I could not get comfortable. It hurt so bad I cried (but ok I might be a wimp). By about 4:30 Jim was wanting to take me to the ER. I didn't think I could ride in a car since I couldn't move without extreme pain. So I took 1/2 a nerve pill (because I was so tense from hurting) and that calmed me down to the point that I managed to go to sleep. Jim said it was a bit of a fitful sleep but I slept. When I got up I felt better but was very sore from my little "episode". So after some persuasion I decided to go to the Dr. But first I had to take Vito to the vet because he has worms (if it's not one thing....). So took the dog to the vet, went to the shop and worked for about 45 minutes then went to the Dr. He said I had classic symptoms of a gallstone. Did a cbc and come to find out I have an infection in my stomach. It's the one that can cause ulcers so there may also be ulcers in there. But the Dr. was still not convinced that my gallbladder wasn't to blame for my pain so he sent me to Poplar Bluff to have an ultrasound done. I'll have the results of that tomorrow but the preliminaries didn't indicate any stones (that's a good sign). I've been very careful with what I eat all day so as not to irritate my stomach.

Also heard from our nurse in Maryland today. We will be heading back on Monday unless something unexpected happens with Sabrina's counts between now and then. I'm booking our flight tomorrow (was going to do that today but kind of distracted). In the mean time Sabrina is still feeling great. She's complained of pain in her side once (and I'm trying to stay calm about that) but said it wasn't bad. She's met a new "friend" and is out with him tonight. I'm very happy that she is happy.

Sam and Darrick came down today and spent the day. I didn't get to see them much but I think they hung out with Brinie most of the day. Seems these days you don't see Sam much without Darrick..... but that's ok, he's a good kid (when he's asleep ;-).... just kidding Darrick!).

Hopefully tonight will be very quiet and tomorrow will be very productive for me. I need a day like that really bad before we leave. I don't think it would matter how productive I was though I can just never seem to get everything done. I guess it'll be here when we get back.

That's it from our world. Thanks for checking in on us.
Till next time.....
Cathy

Tuesday, January 01, 2002 at 09:58 PM (CST)

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! Hope everyone had a safe and happy New Year's eve. We did. Jim and I went out to eat with Karen and Richard and Penny and Phil. Then we spent the rest of the night hanging out with Penny and Phil. It was nice (and I was so proud of myself that I was able to stay awake :-)

Sabrina had a New Year's party here. She had a really good time. About 3 I told her it might be time to shut it off and put everybody to bed (didn't want anyone leaving and being on the road so 6 of them spent the night here). My house is still all in one piece too! It was good to see Sabrina having such a good time.

We had counts done yesteray. Her platelets jumped from 43,000 on Friday to 72,000 Monday. So needless to say we are very close to that magic 75,000 mark (much to Sabrina's dismay) and I would imagine we'll be headed back to Maryland very soon. With the holidays and all I haven't talked to anyone out there yet but I figure they will be calling or emailing tomorrow. I have mixed emotions about it but I know that we have to do this and the sooner the better. Sabrina just plain doesn't want to go back but she will because she knows that it's in her best interest to do so.

That's about it from our house...... Again I hope everyone has a GREAT 2002!
Till next time....
Cathy

Wednesday, December 26, 2001 at 08:42 AM (CST)

Belated Merry Christmas to everyone. I am extremely happy to say that we were blessed with one of the best Christmas's ever. Sabrina feels better the last 2 days than she has felt since chemo started. I know that taking her off that one shot helped tremendously.

Anyway like I said we had a GREAT Christmas. Sam has been home which made it very very nice (I like having all my kids together.) Christmas Eve we were at my parents house. We had the best time there. We ate, opened presents (and all got way more than we deserved!), played a game that my mom forgot to actually get the answers to (you kind of had to be there :-), Daddy sang to us (you defineately had to be there for that one but we have it on tape!), we laughed and just had a really good time. I think the pogo stick was the most interesting gift of all.... especially when Trav, Jim and my dad tried jumping on it.

Christmas day we opened our presents and then had our traditional Christmas waffles. We spent alot of the morning laying around. Then the girls went to their Granny's and Jim and I cleaned up our house and then went to his dads. That was very nice too. Then the girls and Derrick went to the movies and didn't get back in until late. It was just a very nice day.

Now it's back to the real world but the real world seems a little better today than it did 3 or 4 days ago.

Thanks for checking in. Till next time....
Cathy

Saturday, December 22, 2001 at 08:33 AM (CST)

Well we've been home now for 3 whole days now. It's been strange to say the least. We are kind of lost in our own house (if that makes sense). Sabrina is doing a little better. She had to go to Cape Thursday to get blood. It was an all day thing and pretty much wore her out. Then Thursday night our dear friend Penny (and Morgan and Kaleb) were so sweet and brought us supper. That was nice. We have stopped one of the shots that Sabrina was doing. She's still been having really bad stomach cramps and we've been wondering if that's what was causing it. So the doctors agreed that we could stop for a few days and see if it gets better. This is the one that is supposed to help build platelets. We really couldn't tell if it was working or not so I don't think it was a big deal to hold it for a few days. The good news is that her white blood cells have finally started appearing. This is a very good thing as these are the ones that determine whether she has an immune system or not. She's not in the normal range yet but she's getting there. Her platelets are a whole different story so I won't even go there.

Jim and I are kind of lost at the shop too. It's hard to go back after so long and just pick up up where you left off. But we'll get there.

I'm also having trouble getting into the holiday spirit. Seems like Thanksgiving just ended so it shouldn't be time for Christmas yet. But today I'm going to do some baking so I'm sure that will help.

Well that's about it from our house. No matter what it's really good to be home!!!
Hope everyone has a great Christmas and a Happy Healthy New Year.
Till next time.....
Cathy

Wednesday, December 19, 2001 at 05:32 PM (CST)

Hi all. Seems that caringbridge may have lost my last update. I guess it's floating around in cyberspace somewhere.

Anyway..... WE ARE HOME! Sabrina got platelets on Monday night and we got home last night around 6:00 p.m. It's so nice to be home but also a little overwhelming too. We've had one thing and one thing only to focus on for over 3 weeks and now all of a sudden we have lots of things that need our attention and quite frankly my attention span just isn't all that great right now. I'm slowly sifting through mail and paperwork. If it weren't for my mom I have no idea what I would have done. THANKS MOM! Also thanks to my parents, Aunt Joann and Uncle Bo and Travis and Kristie for putting up outside Christmas lights while we were gone. Gives our house that festive cheer that it wouldn't have otherwise had. And a huge thanks to everyone who was involved in the cleaning project (my house was spotless when we got here) and there are just too many other things to mention. Something like this sort of restores your faith in people. I know that people have been soooo very wonderful to us I just cannot even begin to say how humbled we are by all of it.

We will be here now until Sabrina's platelets reach 75,000. I'm almost positive that this won't happen until after the new year which isn't really a bad thing. It gives us time to relax and enjoy the holidays before we head into round 2.

Well that's about it from our world.
Till next time....
Cathy

Friday, December 14, 2001 at 10:02 PM (CST)

Hi everyone. I just read my last update and realized how depressed I must have been when I wrote that. I'll try to do better this time.

It's Friday night and I'm at the Inn. Jim and Sabrina went back to the hospital about an hour ago. Things are defineately looking up. Yesterday her counts finally started turning around. It's was a very slight desent but a move upward non-the-less. So we convinced the Dr. that it would do Sabrina a world of good to get out of there. He agreed that she was doing well enough to leave for a few hours and let her come back to the Inn on pass (after we promised to not let her out of the room or come in contact with anyone but us). She went back at 5 for antibiotics and then they let her out again! It was so nice being here together. I went on the grocery shopping trip and Jim fixed supper. Then we were able to sit at a real table and have dinner as a family. I think that may have been the best food I've ever eaten! Then Sabrina and I went back to the hospital at bedtime and spent the night there. She ran a slight temp during the night but was normal this morning so they let her out on pass again today (again with all the same promises). Her counts were up just a little more today so we feel like we have a trend going!!! The Dr.'s are fairly optimistic that we will get to go HOME next week. But first things first.... she has to reach 500 on the anc scale (we were 216 today) and be released as an outpatient and then I think we have to wait for the magic 1000 anc mark and then we are homeward bound. We are hoping for mid next week. She's still very weak but I can see improvements every day. Defineately answered prayers!!! (so keep them coming).

Some friends that we have made here got good news today too. They are from Jamaca and Tenesha's wish (from make-a-wish) was to have her father and sister come for Christmas. Tenesha and her mom Tina have been here since June and are due to stay till May so this would be a huge treat. It wasn't looking good for a while but today Tina knocked on our door and grabbed me and hugged me while dancing with delight..... they get to come. Another answered prayer.

We are all very tired (sitting around will do that to you) but we are guardedly happy right now at the thought of actually going home next week and being there for the holidays.

Thanks for all your prayers. I don't know where we'd be without them.
Till next time.....
Cathy

Tuesday, December 11, 2001 at 08:41 PM (CST)

It's late Tuesday night and we are still here at club NIH. The past 2 days have been somewhat of a rollercoaster. Sabrina's stomach has been giving her fits mostly yesterday and this morning. And she is cutting a wisdom tooth that has her gums all swelled up. So we did a dentist consult today and they want to take it out as soon as her counts are high enough. That will probably happen just before we start round 2. The tooth thing is on top of a few mouth sores she has (which she says are better today). Throw that in with her hating to take her gcsf and neumega shots every night, and her temp just going up and down and up and down (but thank GOD that no infections have shown up) and her being homesick (she'd like to really go home but would settle for just getting out of here and going to the Inn), and her being so weak that she's still in a wheelchair, oh and her hair is coming out so her head is even sore and pretty much the only thing she is eating right now is stove top stuffing.........but at least she's eating.

She's really sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. And she's soooo very down most of the time. I'm with her though on the sick and tired thing. I think it's about her turn to feel good, smile, and be happy. I know it sure would be nice to see that! We're getting there though. Slow but sure. Each day is a little better than the day before so with any luck and by the grace of God we hope to be out of here by next week and heading home. That should help alot!!!

Hope all is well with everyone. Guess you are getting all ready for Christmas. Things are all decorated out here but sometimes it's a little hard to get into the Christmas spirit right now. At least I have all my shopping done and our house is all decorated and ready for when we get back there.

Till next time....

Monday, December 10, 2001 at 06:16 AM (CST)

Hello from the luxury suite of NIH. Yep that means we are back in the hospital. Yesterday was such a good day till about 5 o'clock when Sabrina spiked a temp of 102.

Yesterday morning she slept in (we didn't have any hospital or clinic appointments!) and when she got up she ate a good breakfast. I came over to the hospital for church services (I'm converting to Lutheren now......just kidding mom :) and when I got back Brin and Jim were downstairs in the t.v. room watching a movie. So I took that opportunity to deep clean our room. Then after that my friend Tina (from Jamaca) and I walked to downtown Bethseda to a drugstore to pick up a few things. When we got back all was still well and Jim and Brinie were back in the room. It wasn't long though till Brin started having chills and I took her temp (which has just been done a little while before). She was already at 102 so we came over here to get her admitted. I don't think it's anything serious. But we'll know today as they cultured her lines last night. She ran the temp pretty much all night but it broke sometime this morning because she was soaking wet from sweating.

I have no idea how long we will be here but I assume until her counts come back up (which could take a few days or several days). I'm just so thankful that we are so close to the hospital. A fever that high is very dangerous when you have no immune system and at home it would have taken us a long time to get anywhere. I am just thankful for this place in many aspects.

So we'll be camping out here for a few days and we'll do like we did before. Jim and I will take turns spending the night.

Say a prayer for us that this is just a neutropenic fever and not an infection.

Till next time........
Cathy

Sunday, December 09, 2001 at 06:56 AM (CST)

Hi everyone. It's early Sunday morning and I'm in the computer lab at the childrens inn. Sabrina gave me strict orders last night that I was not to be in the room making noise or turning on lights before she wakes up on here own. This is the first day since we've been here (14 days... but whose counting :-) that we haven't had to get up and go to the hospital or clinic for something so she wants to sleep in.

We had a fairly intereting day yesteray. Went to the hospital to get counts donw. She needed platelets which wasn't a huge surprise. This is normally about a 2 hour procedure. We were there over 5 hours! It's a long story but the next time should be shorter now that they have her typed and crossed at the blood bank. Course next time will prob. be for red blood cells and that takes forever anyway. Whatever.

After we got done we came downstairs and called the Inn the have the shuttle pick us up. The shuttle quits running at 3:30 and it was 3:40. So I asked her could someone come get us in the Inn's van. She was so hateful (which is very unusual) and told me she guessed we'd have to call a cab because no one could come get us. So I explained our "situation" to the security guy that was sitting there and he suggested that I ask the NIH police if they could help (they have an office in the lobby). So we asked and they were so sweet. Because Sabrina is still in a wheelchair and they didn't think they could get it in one of their small cars they called a Police Van to come get us. Well then the wheelchair we had wouldn't fold so this guy went inside and found us a new one that did fold and delivered us right to the Inn (which is a whole 3 blocks away). If the weather had been pretty we could have walked but... it was cold and raining and Sabrina has no immune system right now. Then we get to the Inn and I realize that I have lost my cross stitch bag. So I called the floor where we got platelets and it's not there. I then called the security people in the lobby and sure enough... they have it (I laid it down on one of the couch's in the lobby). So I asked they to just keep it till Monday since it would take an act of congress for me to get back over there to get it. They said they couldn't do that because every night lost and found goes to a different building. So then the officer tells me it's no big deal... he'll just send a police car to get me and take me over there to get it. I assured him that was not necessary but that's what they did anyway. It was rather embarrassing but also comforting to know that they are so willing to help even with something as trivial as that.

We made it through another night with no fever (thank you God). All those prayers must be paying off because I don't think her counts have ever been this low and her not have a fever.

Well that's it from here. We are all getting a litte homesick but I feel like we are where we are supposed to be. If it's pretty today I think that Tina (our friend from Jamaca) is going to show me how to get to the pharmacy down town today. She's says it's a nice walk so that's what we will do. Hopefully today will be a calm boring day as far as medical things go and we can all just chill out for a day. Tomorrow we are back in the clinic for counts again and I would imaine more blood products.

Till next time.....
Cathy

Thursday, December 06, 2001 at 03:17 PM (CST)

Well lets see.... it's been 4 days since our last update so I'll try to catch you up.
Sabrina had a very bad day the day before yesterday. She was hoping to get out of the hospital and got mad when it didn't happen. She spent most of that day crying and throwing up. But yesterday was much better. She didn't puke all day and we finally got out last night. They let us out on pass which means you are still a patient and can go back if you feel bad. So today we went in and they released her. We have an array of meds for her and all her stuff to do the 2 shots she has to take at night. She still feels like crap but it's throwing up much any more (course she's not eating either). They did her counts today and her immune system is already pretty much bottomed out. We figure it'll just be a few days until transfusions start and until we are back in the hospital with a fever (but I pray that she gets by without fever!).

It's been a rollercoaster to say the least. I'm just so ready to see my baby smile again. She just feels so bad and is so weak (she's in a wheelchair because she is too weak to walk). Better days have to be ahead!

I want to say a huge thanks to everyone who is sending cards, flowers, balloons, gifts and prayers. And also to those of you who have called for moral support. Things like this help brighten our days and we really appreciate it!

Jim and I are ok. We aren't used to sitting around so much though so that's an adjustment. I think Jim is actually looking forward to the grocery run tonight :-).

Well that's it for now. Till next time....
Cathy

Sunday, December 02, 2001 at 10:53 PM (CST)

Hi all. It's late and I'm tired but thought I'd do a quick update before turning in. First of all for those of you who read our guestbook (and if you don't then you should now :-)I need to clear up a few things. Mr. Vito would be our 11 pound (he better still only weigh 11 pounds when we get home!) miniture dachsund. He is a member of our family and has very good typing skills ;). Actually his Aunt Vonnie, who is keeping him for us might be doing the typing and I get the feeling she's doing lots of spoiling too! I wouldn't have it any other way. And Mr. Winston is Vito's 70 pound boxer puppy cousin. Ok he really belongs to another cousin but the dogs don't know they aren't related so we aren't going to tell them. I just wanted to clear all that up. And no Pat, Patty did not call Sabrina boyfriend a dog (that's my job isn't it? hahahaha).

Now down to the real update. Today seemed to be a little better than yesterday. Sabrina was awake for several hours and only had 3 major "episodes". She was even able to take a shower (she came out feeling like crap but very clean!) I think we might finally have all her meds straightened out about the way they need to be to keep her comfortable. Well as comfortable as you can been on this crap. Tomorrow is the last day of chemo(PRAISE THE HOLY LORD!) and then we wait and see what her body is going to do with it.

Jim and I are fine. As fine as we can be in this situation. My back still hurts alot (thank goodness for pain meds) but it's not unbearable. We spend alot of time sitting and always try to make Brinie feel better when she's feeling crappy. It's amazing what a good back rub can do :-). The food here is like any other hospital.... pretty gross. So you'd think I'd be losing weight . I'm snacking way to much but maybe that will stop when we can get back to the Inn and I can start actually fixing meals again.

Well I've rattled enough and am tired so I will close for now.

Till next time....

Saturday, December 01, 2001 at 02:48 PM (CST)

Hi all. We are now on day 3 of chemo. Things have been rocky to put it mildly. This chemo is very strong and makes Sabrina very sick. And I think they started her off on anti-nausea meds that were too strong and sort of over medicated her (but we've about got all that worked out now). This stuff is really taking it's toll on her body and her mind. We are trying to keep her alseep as much as possible because when she is awake she is usually throwing up (or trying to) and very sad. I'm glad that this was her choice and not mine (but I'm very thankful for the choice she made) because this way I know she has the will to fight even though at times she seems to want to give up. I'm so scared that she is going to do that and that would break my heart as the Dr.'s seem so hopeful that this stuff can help her acheive long term remission and possibly, finally a cure. But that does not come without a price and I just pray she is willing and able to see this through. She only has 2 more days of chemo left for this round. We are ready for round 1 to be over! We will stay at the Inn after round one because we don't want to be to far away when her counts drop, especially this first time. And there's something about being out here that makes me feel safe (crazy huh?).

Jim and I are holding up ok. You don't get much sleep in the hospital so we are taking turns spending the night but both of us are here during the day.

We have wonderful roommates! They are from Jamiaca and we already knew them from the Inn. They are just the sweetest people you could want to meet. They've been here since June and will be here for several more months I think.

Well I guess that's it from our world. To all of you who have sent flowers, balloons, food, cards and gifts I would like to say THANK YOU! Getting mail out here is a real treat and it helps so much to know how much everyone cares.

Till next time
Cathy

Thursday, November 29, 2001 at 08:21 AM (CST)

Well here we are in now in the hospital luxury suite (yea right). Yesterday was full of tests once again. It started with putting in a PICC line (temp. port for chemo) and that turned in to a fiasco as neither of her arms veins would work so they ended up putting it in her chest. We had to have this done because we couldn't get a surgery spot to have a port put in. We'll be doing that before the next round.

So after all that she had a bone marrow biopsy in her right hip on the front and back. She is very sore from that!
And then we were admitted to start hydration. But Sabrina wanted to go back to the Inn to play bingo (we have to have our priorities in order :-) so we got a pass and came back to the hospital at bedtime. I stayed with her last night but I think that Jim and I are going to take turns as that bed/couch thing doesn't do too much for my back. We found out that that have services here for the patients like meditation and massages (we will defineately be checking into that further!).

This morning they have started pre-medicating her for chemo so she's sleeping pretty good (the drugs make her sleepy)right now and chemo will start in an hour or two. I'm nervous about the chemo but I feel like she made the right decision. The Dr.'s here are just so upbeat about it so that makes us all feel better. I just pray that her body can take it.

If anyone would like our hospital address you can email me. We'll be here till about Tuesday I think as inpatient and then back to the Inn. But Jim and I will be back and forth at the Inn and can check our mail there too.

That's it from us. Till next time......
Cathy

Tuesday, November 27, 2001 at 07:50 PM (CST)

Well we are here in Maryland now. Today was a long day full of tests. We got to the hospital around 8:30 and didn't get out till 3:00. We had planned to go to the mall tonight but decided we were too tired and not really in the mood. Tomorrow we have a couple more tests and depending on what time they are done she will either start chemo tomorrow night or Thursday. I think either way she will be admitted tomorrow.

The Dr.'s believe that this first round will tell the story of how she is going to handle chemo this time. I pray that she can take it and that this time does the trick and gets rid of this crap! It just has to.

I have added our address to the main page (at the bottom). This is where anyone wanting to send a card can send it. Cards seemed to help before so would prob. be pretty welcome this time too.

That's about it from us. I'll update again after chemo starts.
Cathy

Friday, November 23, 2001 at 08:21 AM (CST)

Hi all. Hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving. Ours was nice. Like everyone else we ate too much but it was nice to be with family all day and to remember the things we have to give thanks for.

Just 3 days until we head back to Maryland (this week has gone by very fast). We'll be traveling on Monday and then on Tuesday they want to run a couple of tests. They'll be doing a repeat MRI and a MUGA (heart) test. On Wednesday she will have a bone marrow biopsy and they will insert a PICC line (all you chemo families out there will understand that one). The PICC is just temporary though and they will put a port in for all the rounds after this one.
Also on Wednesday she will prob. be admitted to the hospital and they will start hydration (she has to be very hydrated before chemo starts) and then on Thursday they will run the first chemo. We don't know yet if it's going to be a 3 or 5 day run but my guess would be 3 (but I could be wrong). Then we'll stay out there until her counts drop and come back up and then come home for Christmas.

Thanks for checking in and please remember us in your prayers as we enter very familiar waters once again. Please make it your prayer that God lets this heal her body and destroy the cancer monster.
Cathy

Monday, November 19, 2001 at 04:52 PM (CST)

This will be update #2 today. We now have a tentative plan in place. I can't say that I'm real excited about it but at least we have one.

We will travel to Maryland next Monday and chemo will start Tuesday. The Dr. wants to do at least 2 rounds before surgery. She says she just believes that we have to try these chemo's as they are very effective for rhabdo and Sabrina has not had them. Our other choice was to just do pallitive care (meaning just try to keep her comfortable). So there really wasn't much to choose from there and it was pretty much a no brainer. The Dr. said that the doses will be modified for Sabrina as her bone marrow is still rather fragile but she truly believes that this is our best shot at long term remission and or a cure.

I hate to see her go through that hell again but..... I would never want to see her give up either so here we go. If we get round one done next week then we will stay out there until her counts have dropped and come back up (and poss. we have been admitted for fever) and then we can come home for Christmas. Luckily Jim and I got almost all our Christmas shopping done this past weekend.

The pain Sabrina has been having is getting gradually worse so I'm ready to do something and stop this beast from growing any more. We would go out there and do round 1 this week but with Thanksgiving and all we decided to do it next week.

Once we get to Maryland I'll post our address out there so if anyone would like to send her a card they can send it out there. We'll prob. be there at least 3 weeks this first time so cards will be very very welcome!

I'll post more when there is more to report.

We need your prayers like never before. There's an old saying that says "third time is a charm". Please pray that is true for us.

Till next time,
Cathy

ps don't forget to sign our guestbook.

Monday, November 19, 2001 at 09:17 AM (CST)

We were able to get the PET scan done early. Had it done on Friday. This morning I got the results which indicated that the spot in her butt IS NOT TUMOR!!!!!!!! Course I had hoped for that miracle and that the other place would somehow turn into something else too but that didn't happen. But I am happy that we are only dealing with one area. This Dr. also said that the report stated "very small" so that's good too. It's never a good thing when this crap comes back but I think now it will be easier to focus on just one area instead of more.

The results and films are on their way to Maryland so I should know something today or tomorrow about a tentative plan. I feel like we are sitting in a dimly lit room just waiting for someone to turn the light on. Maybe this plan will be our light (through the grace of God).

I'm still having trouble in the prayer department but it's getting better. So if you could please storm heaven for us I would be so very grateful.

Like I've said before it's so hard to put how we are all feeling into words. I just don't think there are words that can describe it. We are scared, mad, confused, sad.... and that's just a few. There is nothing that anyone could ever say to make me think that this is fair in any way. It's not fair that my baby keeps having her life invaded by this beast called cancer. I HATE CANCER!!!!!! We are getting geared up for this fight though. It's hard (on all of us...especially Sabrina) but we are gearing up.

I should know more in the next day or two and will post then. Until that time please lift us up in your prayers.

Cathy

ps we like it when you sign the guestbook (even if you've signed it before). We know lots of people are checking in as the counter has been going nuts but it's nice to know who it is.

Wednesday, November 14, 2001 at 06:49 PM (CST)

Well it's Wednesday.... the day we were supposed to know what's going on. We don't. Dr. Mackall called today (that's our Maryland doc) and said that they want a PET scan done before any treatment decisions are made. Seems that there is a "spot" in her right buttock that they didn't tell us about (I'm deciding whether to be mad about this or not) and it's been there since April! I guess it wasn't suspicous enough to worry about till now. But they have been monitering it since April and it hasn't changed however with the now confirmed new tumor this spot has to be investigated. A PET scan can show even microscopic tumor cells so it will tell for sure if it's any where else in her body or not. If it is then we are in a whole new ballgame. If not... well I'm not sure. Dr. Mackall really would like Sabrina to consider chemo again. She said that there are chemo's she has not "seen" that have shown to be very effective with rhabdo and she'd really like her to try them. I told her that was between her and Brinie as I would not force her to have chemo again. She reminded me that Sabrina is now 18 and I couldn't force her if I wanted to. Anyway, to remove this tumor like it is will be very hard on her. 3 ribs will have to come out and prob. a portion of her right lung. So the Dr. would like to see it shrunk somehow (via chemo or radiation) before surgery is performed and either way she really wants Sabrina to try chemo again. I had her to talk to Sabrina and explain all this. Sabrina told her that chemo would not be her first option but that she would consider it.

I'm not even going to try to predict what will happen next. The PET scan is scheduled for Monday in Cape (and I am very thankful that they now have a PET scan machine so we don't have to go to St. Louis or Maryland) and I guess we'll see what happens from those results. If tumor shows up somewhere else then we prob. have to start with chemo (if Sabrina agree's to it) and if not well then I'm just not sure.

This is not how I planned today's phone call to be. I have to learn to quit planning these types of things and just take things as they come.

Please please keep us in your prayers. I think this gets harder every time but even so I will do whatever it takes to beat this monster and stand by my baby.
Cathy

Monday, November 12, 2001 at 06:29 AM (CST)

We are home. We got in Saturday night. Sam, Derrick, Mom and Dad (and of course Vito) were all here to greet us. Mom had us a wonderful supper cooked (which was great after eating take out all week). We were only home about 30 minutes and then the kids all left to go to the movies. Sabrina told me on the way home that she does not want people's pity and she doesn't want to sit around being upset all the time. She doesn't want to think or talk about this any more than she has to. She never ceases to amaze me. And I am so thankful that she has Sam to lean on. They are so close! Sabrina went home with Sam yesterday and spent the night. She said she'd be home today in time to go to her history class. She plans to talk to all her professors this week and see if they will work with her so that she can finish this semester (only 5 weeks left) and still get all her credits. Then she says she taking next semester off for treatment and still plans to go to Truman next year. I think I am drawing from her strength. For the most part I have been calm. Sad but calm. I'm trying to stay busy this week and get alot of things taken care of for when we have to be gone again. Sometimes this just seems like a bad dream.... like I will wake up and the Dr. will call and say they were wrong. I don't dare hope for that but wouldn't it be nice.

For now we just wait and try to do our daily tasks (like breathe and put one foot in front of the other). We should know more about the direction we will be heading on Wednesday. I feel like if surgery is going to be an option they'll want us back up there asap to do it. I'm so scared. Please pray for us.
Cathy

Friday, November 09, 2001 at 04:25 PM (CST)

Preliminary results are in. It appears there is a new tumor that seems to have originated in a rib on the right side and then strung over and attached to the plura (lining) of the right lung. The are prelim. results but we don't expect anything different from the official results.

We are going home tomorrow and there will be a meeting Tuesday up here of several Dr. and after that we will be given some treatment options. Today the Dr.was leaning on going for local control(surgery and radiation). Chemo was mentioned but I promised Sabrina that I would never ask her to do that again so that will be up to her and I will support whatever her decision is there. Local control seems to work best anyway as this crap has never shown up twice in one place.

Sabrina is doing ok. We are all devastated to say the least (numb maybe?). She's doing good in regards to the biopsy. Not even hardly sore. I'm thankful for that.

I could go on and on but I'm not going to. This is what's happening and now we just have to deal with it. I don't understand why.
Cathy

Thursday, November 08, 2001 at 07:48 AM (CST)

I posted an update last night but it seems it didn't make it for some reason. We are in Maryland and Sabrina had scans yesterday (about 8 hours worth). To make a long story short they have detected a "suspicious spot" on the bottom of Sabrina's right lung. She's been having pain in that area but though it was coming from the spot that her kidney used to be in and this is actually very close to that so that is understandable. The Dr.'s won't speculate much right now but have scheduled a needle biopsy for tomorrow morning because they think it looks suspicious enough to warrant checking it out. There are basically 2 things they say it could be. Scar tissue from radiation or tumor.

I'm trying extremely hard not to have a meltdown before we get the official results. Sabrina seems fairly calm about it and says that this pain is different than she had before and she is confident that it is scar tissue. Is it just her way of coping right now? Who cares. What matters is that we are all just trying to function right now and that's her way of doing it.

There's not much more to say right now other than please pray like you have never prayed before.
Cathy
"falling apart in the arms of God"

Thursday, November 08, 2001 at 12:03 AM (CST)

Another short note. Today scans revealed a "spot" of "something" on the bottom of Sabrina's right lung. It could be scare tissue caused by radiation or it could be....... (I can't allow myself to go there right now). Sabrina has been having pain in that area for a while now and because of that they did an MRI the last time we were here and it showed just a sliver of something but nothing to be alarmed about. The sliver has gotten bigger and now the docs are concerned.

We will have a biopsy Friday. Please pray hard!
Cathy

Saturday, November 03, 2001 at 07:19 AM (CST)

This is going to be short and sweet. Tuesday we are off to Maryland and Wednesday will start the full work up of scans and tests. I'm getting very nervous about it (my stomach is in knots). I keep telling myself that everything is fine. She is fine and it just has to be "all clear". She was fine when she relapsed to so you can see why it's so hard for me to stay positive. But with the help of God I am sure trying. She is not worried about a thing (or at least doesn't show it).

Please keep us in your prayers and I will update again from Maryland or when we get home.
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"

Sunday, October 21, 2001 at 09:39 AM (CDT)

Hi all. I guess the votes are in and I'll keep this webpage going. Since our last update life has been so normal (Praise GOD). I have had normal things to worry about where Sabrina is concerned. Course I'll always worry about cancer but I thank God that he is allowing me to worry about everyday things too (pretty crazy, huh). For instance.... 2 weeks ago Sabrina wanted to go spend the weekend with 2 of her classmates that went off to college. No big deal right? Well the school they went to is 7 hours away and she was traveling by herself! She went, had a great time and made it home safe and sound. And now she is wanting to apply to that college for next year. Guess it could be worse. I don't look forward to having empty nest syndrome but at the same time I do. It's very hard to explain but there were times when I didn't know if we would make it to this point and I am thankful that we have.

Sam is doing really good too. She's staying so busy that we hardly ever see her. If you're ever in Jackson Walmart go to the service desk and give her a hard time :-).

Jim and I are just pluggin along. He was gone all last week buying cars. Our business has really picked up which is another blessing so that means we are staying busy (I like being busy!).

We go back to Maryland around the 7th of November. This will be one of those nerve racking trips where she has every test known to man. I'm trying not to think about it. At least Jim will be with us this time. If anyone would like to do anyting in Sabrina's name, the place where we stay (called the Childrens Inn) takes donations in honor of residents. It's a wonderful place where families bond very quickly and you can feel safe. You can let me know if you want more info. (Sabrina says you are welcome to donate to the Sabrina Bolton poor college student fund too ).

Well that's about it for now. All is quiet on our homefront and that is such a major blessing. Please keep all the families that are dealing with this hell in your prayers (I could list several but I won't). And tonight when you go to bed give your kids an extra long hug because you never know what tomorrow may bring)

Thanks for checking in.
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"
Proud to be an American and a parent of a cancer SURVIVOR!

Sunday, October 07, 2001 at 08:54 AM (CDT)

I have some very good news! Friday while we were at the hospital I was told that the main doc in charge of the vaccine study wanted to talk to me. So we got together and she gave me some very wonderful news. They have run several of Sabrina's blood samples now (for some reason they have to store them up and run them all at once) and they are seeing one of the best immune responses in Sabrina that has been seen yet with this vaccine! This means that it appears that Sabrina's body is responding very well to the vaccine and this is something they haven't actually seen alot of. Sabrina is #3 on the new and improved version of the vaccine so they are not sure yet whether this is going to be something that happens only with her or if that because of the changes they made it's something they will see in all the kids now. The doctor was very very happy about this news! The jury is still out on how much what they are doing actually helps fight the cancer but it defineately looks like we are moving in the right direction. I see this as a direct answer to prayers and I thank you so much for all those prayers! Keep them up!!!!!

We are home now. Got in about 6 last night (about an hour after Jim got home from Houston) and it was soooo good to be home.
The flying wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Security is pretty tight in St. Louis but nothing like it is in Maryland. At that airport there are soldiers with very big guns standing everywhere. Our wait times were fairly short though and all in all it was a very good trip.

I have a question for everyone. Should I continue this webpage now that Sabrina is all done with treatment? She will still be going for checkups and scans but I'm not sure how much of that everyone wants to hear about. You can sign the guestbook and let me know what you think on that one.

Thanks for checking in and I hope this finds everyone doing well.
Love,
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"
Proud to be an American and the mom of a cancer SURVIVOR!

Thursday, October 04, 2001 at 02:10 PM (CDT)

Today is a very good day! Sabrina has been DEPORTED! For those of you who do not know what that means it means that today she had the port-a-cath removed from inside her chest and it's a very big deal when you get rid of that thing! It is a surgical procedure but it's done as outpatient and she only had to stay for about an hour after it was all done. We are at the Children's Inn (in Maryland) right now and she has been asleep most of the day from all the surgery drugs they gave her.

We got here late Tuesday night and spent all day at the hospital yesterday. She's been having some pain in her back on the right side where the kidney and tumor were removed so before we did our surgical consult our doc wanted an MRI of that area just to be sure things still looked ok (this was NOT scheduled). Right after the MRI we were given the "all clear" (and I was able to breathe again) and then we met with the surgeon to get things all set up for today. We arrived at the hospital at 9:30 yesterday morning and didn't get back to the Inn until around 5. Needless to say we were very tired. Tomorrow morning she does apheresis and then Saturday we head home. I thank God that we have made it this far and pray that now we are able to just look forward to a cancer free future!

Please say a prayer for a family up here that we have gotten very close to. They were told yesterday that the odds of their daughter surviving the cancer that she has are very very slim. This family is so very sweet and Brenda (the mom) and I have become very close. I was with her yesterday when she got this news and I felt her pain. No mother should ever have to feel that kind of pain. Brenda's daughters name is Jennifer. Please say a very special prayer for them. They are not giving up but know that they have a very hard road ahead.

Thanks for checking in!
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"
Proud to be an American and the mom of one very special cancer survivor!

Wednesday, September 26, 2001 at 07:37 AM (CDT)

Hello everyone. Hope this finds everybody doing great! We are doing wonderful and are adjusting to our off treatment life quite well. For me it is still very scary and I try my best to focus on one day at a time and not to dwell on all the "what ifs".
Sabrina is doing her own adjusting too in her own way. I can see changes in her often as she adjusts to "life on the outside".

Since my last update my baby has turned 18! Am I old or what? She didn't want a big fuss over her birthday this year so we just had lunch and cake at moms and didn't do a big deal. She did make the comment that she got fewer birthday cards than ever before this year. I told her that was all a part of growing up.

Sabrina has been working in my office a couple of days a week. She's getting quite an education on dealing with the public and doing bookwork. When it is slow she does her homework. She seems to like college but
Says it's not alot different than high school since she is still living at home. She's getting the "I want to get out of here" bug really bad! Seems she can't wait to go off somewhere (her mom can wait).

We head to Maryland again next week. This trip is just for a physical and labs (seems a long way to go just for that) and if everything is ok they will take her port-a-cath out of her chest. She is ready for that. She hates that thing sticking out. They will also do an apheresis this time too. They said as long as they see immune response in her system they will continue to do the apheresis passes. So I guess the fact that she is going back on apheresis is a good thing. She doesn't mind it to bad now because it's not the 4 hour procedure that it was in the beginning. It only takes about 45 minutes now (but that needle is still huge!).

That's about it for us. I had some tests done on my back last week to see what kind of treatment I will need to fix the 2 disks that were messed up the wreck we had. Please pray that it will not take surgery! I'm not sure I would have surgery at this point...
Keep us in your prayers and continue to ask God to keep my baby cancer free. Wouldn't hurt to thank him too for bringing us this far :-).
Thanks for checking in.
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"

Thursday, September 13, 2001 at 08:10 AM (CDT)

Hello. I'm sure today like us, all of you are just starting to come out of your state of shock. It is a terrible, unthinkable thing that has happened in and to our country. One of the moms in my online support group put it best when she said that when she heard the news from New York she felt the very same emotions that she felt the day she was told that her son had a brain tumor (he later died after fighting a long and couragous battle, at the ripe old age of 14). She took the words right out of my mouth. The emotions are the same. This is something that happens somewhere else and to other people. Our nation could never be struck by terrorists in this way. My healthy, happy child could never have a disease called cancer. This is something we watch on t.v..... Other countries suffer and die, other peoples kids are in those St. Jude commercials. The day they told me that my daughter had cancer is a day that will forever live in my mind. I thought it was the worse day of my life. I thought that nothing could be worse than that. I was wrong.... the day they told me that it had come back now tops the first day. I pray that the worst is over for our nation, but I take nothing for granted. We fought hard to keep this thing called cancer out of our lives forever. My daughter was the bravest soldier that I have ever seen and yet it came back. Our country needs to be very meticulous in eliminating this new enemy that we have.....or it WILL come back too. We have fought our second battle against the monster called cancer, and I pray every night that by the grace of God we have finally won. Now I also pray that our country is able to rid itself of the cancer called terrorism and war. I know that you all share this sentiment with me.

September 11th will forever be remembered as a very dark day in history. Did you also know that the entire month of September has been designated as "Childhood Cancer Awareness" month? Most people do not know that fact because to look at a disease as horrible as cancer and then to have to connect it to innocent children is just to harsh a reality to face. We have gold ribbon pins that symobolize our fight against childhood cancer (I can get one for anyone who would like it) just as their are pink ribbons to symbolize breast cancer. Our kids do not get bravery medals and yet just as our soldiers are about to do, they fight the hardest and most important battle of their lives when this monster strikes. Please pray for our Country today and everyday and please pray for all the children and adults who are fighting their own personal battles today and everyday.

Thanks for checking in.
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God" and Proud to be an American and the Mother of a Cancer Survivor!

Monday, September 03, 2001 at 09:56 PM (CDT)

Hello again. It's been a while since my last update and that's a good thing. No news is usually good news with us.

Things are going good for us right now. Sabrina is feeling good and getting settled into her new college routine. She's thinking that one year of community college will be enough. She wants to spread her wings a little and get out of this immediate area and has talked some about the possibility of someday getting into a study abroad program. She's not sure about anything yet except for the fact that she'd like to get away from here. She has started working in my office some so about the time I get her good and trained on all the bookwork she'll prob. up and leave me. But that's ok... I just want her to be happy.

We had a nice relaxing labor day weekend. Had lots of company yesterday and today we went to Cape and spent the day with Samantha. She's doing really good too. She stays very busy with work and school.

I think our monster garden is finally done. We are still getting some okra and peppers but other than that it's all gone. I enjoyed it and this winter when we are eating the food I canned I know I'll be grateful for it but right now it does not break my heart that it's all done for the year!

Well that's about it with us. We go back to Maryland the first week in October and if all goes well Sabrina will be getting the port-a-cath out of her chest. She hates that thing and it hasn't been used since December so it might as well be out. Her next scans will be in November.... I try not to think about it.
Please keep us in your prayers. I just think you can never ever have too many people praying for you.
Thanks for checking in with us and we hope this finds you all happy and healthy!
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"

Tuesday, August 21, 2001 at 08:55 PM (CDT)

Hi all. Just a quick update on us. Things are going good. It's so nice to be all done with treatment again. We don't miss the shots at all! (espcially Sabrina).

We've been busy as usual. Both the girls have started college classes for the fall. Sabrina says this isn't alot different than high school except she has some night classes (course she's just getting started too). Sam's classes are harder this year as she is now a Junior so she'll have to really buckle down. But I know she can handle it.

Sabrina's shoulder is still bothering her some. The Maryland docs think it is an old volleyball injury giving her problems. We can handle about anything as long as it's not cancer!!!!!

That's about it with us. We like being the normal kind of busy. Please keep us in your prayers that this cancer monster is finally gone. I don't know if I will ever be able to stop worrying about it. Probably not but that's ok as long as she stays healthy and happy.

Thanks for checking in with us. Hope this finds everyone doing great!
Hugs,
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises Of God"

Tuesday, August 14, 2001 at 08:44 PM (CDT)

Ok this is 2 updates in one day. Someone should be proud of me :-).

We had our big powwow today with the nurses and docs and we got the "ALL CLEAR" on all the scans (thank you thank you God). I asked about prognosis (which seems to be something that everyone wants to ask us) and was told what I already knew. There really are no numbers at this point to say there is X% that she is cured or not. Only time will tell and the 5 year thing was brought up in the conversation. If a person remains cancer free for 5 years they are considered cured. So for now we will celebrate this victory and move on. One day at a time. One thing is different than I thought it would be. We will be coming here every 6 weeks for the next 6 months for checkups but she will only have scans every 3 months (every other time). The every 3 month scan schedule will go on for 1 year. At that point we will go to every 6 months (ok, that's more than one day at a time....).

We will be leaving for home tomorrow morning and then it will be back to the grind. Oh but what a happy grind it will be knowing that the cancer monster has not struck again and life can be normal (whatever "normal" is).

Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers. Keep up the prayers...... they are defineately working!!
Hugs to all.
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"

Tuesday, August 14, 2001 at 07:34 AM (CDT)

Quick update before we head to the clinic this morning. After an 8 hour day at the hospital we ran into the dr and he said that he had just looked at the ct. He said premlinary is all clear (thank you God). She has one more mri today of her shoulder and then we meet with the docs for official results so will update again after that.

Thanks for checking in.
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"

Saturday, August 11, 2001 at 11:09 PM (CDT)

Hi Everyone. Thought I'd do a quick update before we head to Maryland tomorrow.

Sabrina did her last shot tonight! I'm glad that she is done with those. She's tired of poking herself (and being poked) and her poor legs look like a battle ground not to mention the side effects she's had to deal with. A part of me would like to do them forever though.... but I won't go there.

Sabrina's diner job didn't last long. She wasn't really up to it (hhmm... seems like I tried to tell her that) and she wasn't making much money plus the job was boring. So she quit. After she sees how her classes are going to go she can pick up another part time job somewhere if she wants to.

Sam came home for a couple of days this week. It was very nice to have her here for 2 whole days! She too is getting all geared up to start fall classes. She says she's never taking summer classes again because she doesn't like only having a 2 week break between summer and fall classes.

Jim and I are good. We closed on our rent property and got our house done that we were working on. That's something that I really wanted done before we left. We couldn't have finished it this quick if it wasn't for my mom and dad helping us so much. Thanks mom and dad :-).

I have to admit that I am a nervous wreck about the scans on Monday. I've stayed very very busy this week and that's prob. the only thing that has kept me sane. Please say a prayer for us that her scans will be clean now and forever!!!!

Thanks for checking in with us. I will update from Maryland as soon as we have results. That will either be Monday evening or Tuesday afternoon.

Please say a prayer for a family that has helped us so much in our alternative medicine search. They are Irene and Phil Ydens from California and their 5 year old son Luke is terminal now and not expected to be with them much longer. This just breaks my heart. They are such a wonderful family and this is just not fair.

Till Monday or Tuesday.....
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"

Wednesday, August 01, 2001 at 08:34 AM (CDT)

Hello everyone. Again I'm behind on my updates. The good part is that there's not alot going on with Sabrina (medically) so there's not alot to update there.

We got back from Branson last Wednesday evening. We had a really good time but stayed busy the whole time we were gone (not a real relaxing vacation but a fun one). We've been very busy since we got home. Sabrina is still doing the IL-2 injections and has 5 more to go. She will finish on August 11 (11 days from the 3 year anniversary of when this nightmare all started). Please say a big prayer for us that this has taken care of it. We will be leaving for Maryland on the 12th and she has a full day of tests and scan on the 13th. On the 14th we will meet with the Dr.'s to discuss the results and the post treatment followups (please God let us only be going back there for followups!). Also on the 14th we will meet with the surgical team. If her scans are all clear then we will make plans to take the port-a-cath out of her chest during our next visit. We could do it this time but that would require an extra day there and this would not be a problem except that she starts her college classes on the 16th so we need to be back for that.

Like I said we have been busy busy. I've been trying my hand at canning (not doing a bad job but I have alot to learn) and right now we seem to have tomatoes growing from our counter!! Also sometime this week or next we are supposed to close on some more rent property (yep we are prob. nuts). And we have a house empty that we are working on to get it ready to rent again. So with all that and our regular jobs we are very busy. Sabrina is also very busy. She started a new job (actually went back to an old one) this week. She is back at Donna's diner. She's working mostly evenings and some Sundays. So all you locals drop in and see her (she likes it when people she knows comes in). She is also still working at the race track on Friday nights. She likes that job alot too. As you can see the IL-2 side effects are NOT slowing her down much. Tonight she and Sam are going to a concert at Poplar Bluff. I hope this one is a little different than the last one (Sabrina passed out, but got to meet that drummer because of passing out, then her battery was dead afterward cause she had left her lights on.....). Maybe this one will just be the normal excitement of a concert.

Sam is doing really good. She has finals this week in her summer classes and then will have a couple of weeks off from school before fall classes start. She plans on working as much as possible during that time so that maybe she can save a little money (yea right ;-).

That's about it for us. Hope everyone is doing great and again, please remember us in your prayers as went venture once more into the realm of ending treatment and getting on with "normal" life.
Thanks for checking in.
Hugs,
Cathy
"Standing (hard) on the Promises of God"

Friday, July 20, 2001 at 07:35 AM (CDT)

Hi all. It's been a while since my last update so thought I'd do a real quick one.
Things are going pretty good here. Sabrina is still having side effects from the IL-2 but they come and go so we are still just dealing with it. She has 10 more shots to go (3 more weeks after this week). I can't make myself get real excited about the end of treatment this time. It's just sooo scary. But I know that Sabrina will be very happy when she can finally get a break.

We are taking a little mini-vacation this weekend and into next week. It's a trip that does not involve flying, shuttles, clinics, hospitals, needles (well ok.. she still has to do the IL-2), Dr.'s or nurses. Just family and fun (hopefully). We are leaving for Springfield this afternoon and will spend 2 nights at Donnie and Shelia's then on the Branson for 3 days where we'll see Aunt Betty and Uncle Gene and catch some shows and just goof around. It should be fun. I wish Sam could go with us but she's got class and work so she can't. We are taking Vito though :-).

Not much else to report. We seem to be staying very busy lately (and that's ok!)so that's why my updates are so far apart.
Hope all is well with everyone and thanks so much for checking on us :-)
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"

Tuesday, July 10, 2001 at 08:31 AM (CDT)

Hi all. I think I am overdue for an update. We have been so busy since we got back from Maryland that I've hardly even been on the computer (those of you who really know me might have trouble believing that).

Let's see.... where to start. Well we went to Maryland and everything went just fine medically. This was the last round of the vaccine injections so now all we have left to do is finish up the IL-2 injections that she does at home. Those last until mid August. The best thing about that is that we are home for 6 whole weeks! It's not a bad trip to make but it was getting a little old. One of Sabrina's friends went with us this time. It was her first time to fly. So that was pretty exciting.

We stayed very busy in Maryland this time too. Got there Monday night and immediately I got in on a hot game of dice :-) with some of the friends I have made there. Then we ate and and got all settled in. The girls were in the game room that night until around midnight. Then Tuesday we spent the biggest part of the day at the hospital. We bbq'd Tues. night and then took the Metro (subway) to the local Mall. It was our first experience on the Metro. Shauna (Sabrina's buddy) was a huge help there as she has ridden it before. At the Mall we went to Dave and Busters which is a huge restruant (sp?) and arcade geared toward adults. While there we met some "family" that I had met through the internet. Randy and Mary we really enjoyed meeting you guys! Randy's grandmother and my great grandmother were sisters. We found each other through genealogy research and it just so happens that they live just a short distance from where Sabrina is being treated. Very very sweet people.

Then on the 4th we ventured to Washington DC. Wow what a day! We got there early (because everyone told us we would need to in order to get a good spot to watch the fireworks). So we took the Metro again (we are veterans now) and arrived in DC around 9 a.m. The parade was at 12:00 so we had time to kill. We layed on the grass (on blankets) in front of the Washinton monument watching a band that was set up for the day. It had been treatening rain but at this point was just very hot. Then we walked over to watch the parade (which was not very good in our opinion) and then the girls went to the American History Museum. There were soooo many people there (approx 500,000) so that wasn't alot of fun for them as it was so crowded. So we all got something to eat and settled on the Capital Mall lawn (perfect spot to watch the fireworks)and just layed around and played cards and watched the people. In the afternoon the weather made good on it's treat and it rained. No big deal, we had umbrella's and we bought some of the cheapy plastic rain coats, so we were covered. This worked nicely until the storm came! Then we were really questioning our sanity while we are sitting like ducks in a full blown, black cloud storm! (I will have pictures soon). The rain let up just long enough for us to watch the most awesome fireworks show we had ever seen. Was it worth it? Well... ok, maybe. After the fireworks there was a mass exodus to the Metro station (at least it wasn't raining) so by the time we got there the line was pretty long and was outside. About midway to the station in a line moving at about the speed of a turtle it started pouring rain again. Who cared by then... we were soaked anyway. Then we fought the masses and made it to the right Metro train (God had to be in on that) and finally around 11:30 made it back to our room. It was a day we will never forget.

When we got home our garden had taken on a life of it's own and other than work that's pretty much all I've been doing! But won't those fresh green beans taste good this winter :-).

Please say a prayer for our friends Penny and Phil. In March he had triple bypass surgery and Sunday he was trying to have yet another heart attack (he's 43). It seems that 2 of the 3 bypasses have quit working. They need our prayers.

Hope all is well with everyone and you had a good 4th of July.
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"

Sunday, July 01, 2001 at 08:20 AM (CDT)

Hi everyone. Thought I would update again before we leave for Maryland tomorrow. First though I want to share something exciting with all the Hartsfields that read this. Yesterday was a historic day for our family. Through the wonder of the internet I have been able to connect with a distant Lawfield family member from England. We have shared family history and gotten to know each other somewhat. His name is Rendel Williams and his mother was a Lawfield. The way we connect is that his greatgrandfather and our greatgrandfather (Thomas Lawfield who came from England who actually is my 2xgreat) were brothers. Anyway Aunt Nell and Uncle Al are over there (in England) right now and last night they met and had dinner with Mr. Williams. He emailed me afterward and said that they had a nice visit and that he felt this was a rather historic event as it has been over 100 years (well over!) since the England Lawfields and the United States Lawfields have had a face to face meeting. Isn't that cool!

Now for the update :-).... Sabrina is still doing good. She seems to be having some new IL-2 side effects that are heat related. She just cannot tolerate much heat. She's been trying to play volleyball on Thursday nights and the past two Thursday's she has gotten up in the night throwing up. Also she is getting muscle cramps pretty often now. We aren't sure this is IL-2 related but can't think of anything else that could be causing it so we will check with the Dr.'s this coming week about that.

We will be spending the 4th of July in Washington DC (along with about 1/4 million other people probably). We thought it might be neat to do this as we are so close and have to be there on the 3rd anyway. Sabrina is hoping that one of her friends gets to go with us (course she waits till the last minute to arrange this and wants me to perform magic to get her on our flight!). I hope she gets to go too as this would make it much more fun for Brinie. I think that she finds me boring sometimes (can you imagine that?).

As I've said before this will be the last of the 6 vaccines. Tuesday will be a fairly long day again because Sabrina has to go back on the aphersis machine. But no scans or anything so it won't be as long as some we have had. She's hoping to feel good enough Tuesday night to get to go to the mall where they have a Dave and Busters (huge video arcade geared toward older teens and adults). She and Jim really enjoyed it when we went to the one in St. Louis. I liked it too but if possible I will prob. shop (this is a very big mall).

Sam is doing really good. I'm very proud of her this summer. She is taking a really hard calculus class and has a 93 gpa right now (GO SAM!). She's also working alot and really likes her new job. Last week she took her car to get a tire fixed and the station attendent ran it into a wall (wasn't that nice of him!). So we have her car now and are getting it fixed. Sometimes our line of work comes in handy.

Well that's about it for us now. Jim and I are fine. Our garden is starting to come off so I plan to do some canning and freezing when we get back. Hope everyone has a safe and happy 4th of July. Please keep us in your prayers as we travel and also as we reenter the world of nearing the end of treatment.

Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"

Saturday, June 23, 2001 at 10:14 AM (CDT)

Time for an update. It's been almost 10 days since my last one and since then we have been to Maryland and back for round #5 of the vaccine. Just Sabrina and I went this time and it was a pretty smooth trip. We made all our connections smoothly and the vaccine went well (no surprises). The only thing out of the ordinary that happened was that they wanted to give Sabrina another flu shot (she's had 2 since April) and this wasn't on our "roadmap" so I questioned it. They said they just failed to put it on there and Sabrina told them that she didn't want it. The nurse said that she did have the right to refuse it as it is for study purposes only and has no real effect on the actual vaccine and that if she did refuse it would just have to be documented that it was refused. Sabrina asked me what she should do and I told her that it was totally up to her. She told the nurse that she was starting a new job Friday and that the flu shot always made her feel really bad about 3 days afterward so she did not want to get it. And that was that.

Now, the job....Last night Sabrina started working at the Malden Speedway (race track) in the concession stand in the Pit area. It's only one night a week and only 5 to 6 hours a night. I waited up on her and she said she really liked it. Lots of cute guys! Said she's working with some fun people too (thanks Ande for the job tip).

Other than that our lives are pretty normal. The IL-2 is still doing a number on Sabrina but it's not unbearable so we deal with it.

Our next Maryland trip will be July 2nd and the vaccine will be on the 3rd. This will be the last of the actual vaccine injections. Then we'll have 6 more weeks of IL-2 injections at home and then scans. To me this will be a very scary step... coming off treatment again. After the end of treatment scans the plan is to have scans every 6 weeks for 6 months. If all is well they will start being farther apart after that. Please pray hard that all is well.

Thanks for checking in and sorry so long between updates (Aunt Nell). I promise to try to do better next time :-)

Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"

Thursday, June 14, 2001 at 07:50 AM (CDT)

Hi everyone. Just a quick update to let you know that things are still good at our house. Sabrina continues to do good and feel good most of the time. The IL-2 is still having some effects on her but compared to chemo it's not bad. The doc gave her some new meds to help her sleep on IL-2 nights and it helps but makes her feel drugged the next day. Guess we can't have everything. She's getting really bored with summer already. Still looking for a job. I'm hoping she'll find something soon to get her out of the house some. She's nothing like her sister.....she is quite the little homebody.

Sam is doing well. She's taking a speech class and a calc class this summer. Wanted to get the calc class over with and thought it might be easier in the summer. She's also working part time at Wal Mart in Jackson. This is the first week of class and work and I think she's already stressed. She seems more determined now about school and for that I am glad :-).

Jim and I are just coasting along. The shop is extremely slow right now (but according to our government our economy is just in a "slump".....yea right) and we are hoping that things pick up there soon.

Sabrina and I will be leaving Monday to go back to Maryland (our second home). Jim's not going this time. But the next time (which will be the last actual vaccine) will be on July 3rd. He's going then because we are going to stay over in Maryland for the 4th and go to DC to watch the fireworks. We thought that might be neat.

Sabrina is wanting to go to California this summer. I'd rather not go quite so far but she seems stuck on that (we'll see). So I've been looking around on line for some affordable (a/k/a cheap) accomodations out there. I'm not finding to many. Guess I'll just keep looking.

That's about in in our life right now. Oh did I tell you that Justin is playing t-ball this year? It is the cutest thing! He takes it very seriously (as would any 5 year old :-).

Thanks for checking in and I hope you are having a good summer.
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"

Friday, June 08, 2001 at 07:51 AM (CDT)

Hi all. Well we made it home. Got in Wednesday night around 7:30. We stopped in St. Louis to see Ross. He had just come out of surgery and was pretty out of it so we didn't stay long (besides.. we were ready to get home). For those of you who don't already know Ross came through his surgery with flying colors! (Praise the Lord!)

We got the "official" results of Sabrina's scans on Tuesday. They were all clear. Even the spot that they were watching last time was gone. (Thank God). Tuesday went pretty smoothly with the bone scan and vaccine. It was a long afternoon at the hospital but we are getting pretty used to that. We go back on the 18th for round 5.

Sabrina and I went to Poplar Bluff to get her college schedule all lined up for the fall. She was able to get all her classes at the BEC in Malden . That's a good thing because it cuts way down on her driving (3 miles verses 40). Most of her classes are on Tues and Thurs with one being on Monday. She's taking 15 hours so she'll be quite busy this fall. Her pizza hut job fell through so she's still looking for a summer job.

Right after we got back from PB she and Sam left for a 2 day trip to Springfield to see their cousin Amber. They haven't done much together for quite a while so I think this will be good for them.

That's about it from our house. Hope all is well with everyone. God Bless you and thanks for checking in :-).
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"

Monday, June 04, 2001 at 05:33 PM (CDT)

Hello from Maryland. Our plans got changed again and we are staying at the Children's Inn (seems they had an opening at the last minute). We are glad about that since it puts us so close to our clinic.

Today has been a pretty long one. We were at the clinic at 7:30 a.m. for Sabrina to go back on the apheresis machine. It only lasted about an hour this time though (4 hours before) so It wasn't bad. From there we went to MRI (another hour) and then she got a chest x-ray. From there we went to the oncology clinic and she had a physical done and some more labs. Then we came back to the Inn and rested a little while (couldn't eat because she hadn't had her ct yet) and then back over for the cat scan (ct). By the time that was all over we were starving (I think Jim cheated but for the most part none of us had eaten all day). The Dr. suggested that we go over scans tomorrow and I told her I would really like to know something tonight. While we were eating our supper someone left a note on the door from the Dr. that said..... "scans stable". Stable is good! I'm sure we'll get the more official results tomorrowl but I'll take stable anyday! Sabrina came out to the kitchen with that note in her hand and after reading it I was able to actually breathe for the first time since we left home yesterday.

Just thought you'd all like to know about the scans. We have a little more laid back day tommorrow. Only have a bone scan and the vaccine so that's not bad at all. Tonight the Inn has some entertainment coming. Some sort of dancers are going to be performing. We are going (after getting these scan results I may just dance with them!).

Have a great week and check back soon :-).
Cathy
"Praising God for clean scans!"

Friday, June 01, 2001 at 07:13 AM (CDT)

It's me again. Thought I'd do a short update before we head to Maryland on Sunday. Sabrina still hasn't heard from Pizza Hut about the job. She called them and it seems there was a lack of communcation between managers so I guess when we get back she'll be job hunting again. She really wants a job but with our travel schedule and the IL-2 schedule she's going to have to have one flexible boss! That may be a hard thing to find.

The IL-2 shots are going ok but still making her feel crappy. I guess that's just going to be part of it. She handles it pretty well though.

We'll be staying somewhere different in Maryland this time. The Children's Inn called yesterday and said we had been bumped (nice of them wasn't it?). Said they had overbooked and we were one of the ones who would have to find another place to stay. So we're at a hotel this time. It's not a real big deal except that the Inn is within walking distance of our clinic and this is going to be a grueling 2 days with all the tests she has to do. Oh well...

Please say a special prayer that Sabrina's scans will all be clean (forever)!

Also say a prayer for my cousin's son Ross. He will be having major back surgery on the 6th (he's one day younger than Sabrina) and will have a very lenghty recovery time.

That's it for now. Thanks for checking in and have a great weekend.
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"

Tuesday, May 29, 2001 at 08:09 AM (CDT)

Hello everyone and hope you had a good, safe Memorial Day weekend. Ours was very uneventful. We did go to mom and dads yesterday and bbq but other than that we didn't do anything.

Things are good here. Sabrina had a rough couple of days (Sat. and Sun.). We were both blaming it on the IL-2 shot but then it dawned on us that it was prob. from the flu shot she got while in MD this last time. We'll see tonight as she is due for another IL-2 injection. Her legs are starting to look like a battle ground from all those shots!

Sabrina got a job! Well at least we think she did. She is supposed to start working at Pizza Hut cooking and washing dishes (didn't want to be a waitress). They were supposed to put her in the system this weekend and call her but so far she hasn't heard from them. I'm sure she'll get in touch with them today and see what's up and when she starts.

That's about it with us. We'll be leaving for MD on Sunday. I'm still trying not the think about it (scans and tests this time).

Thanks for checking in with us and hope you have a great week.
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"

Thursday, May 24, 2001 at 08:10 AM (CDT)

Hi everyone. We've been so busy lately that I haven't had time to do an update.

Well my baby graduated Sunday (and now I feel old!) and all went well. I couldn't have been more proud of her. She looked great in her cap and gown (so grown up) and even with all she has been through managed to get her diploma right along with the rest of her class. She is so amazing!

After graduation we had a party here for her. If I counted right there were 43 people here. It was very nice! A big thanks to all those who brought food and helped me get ready for the party (you know who you are). I doubt seriously that I could have pulled all that off by myself.

After the party I got us all packed up to leave for Maryland the next day. Sabrina and I went by ourselves this time. Before we left she asked me if we were driving to St. Louis this time. The little trip in that private plane spoiled her :-). We left Monday morning (and yes... we drove). She had the vaccine on Tuesday and then we came home on Wednesday. This trip was calmer than the others have been. I guess because we didn't have to rush back for anything. Sabrina and I even played bingo Tues. night at the Children's Inn. We won lots of stuff (a slinky, jacks, a buffalo, a hot wheels helicopter, a pink panther and a sea animals paint set!). Ok, so the prizes are kind of geared toward little kids but it was alot of fun :-).

Now we have 2 whole weeks at home (well almost) and on our next trip to Maryland Sabrina will have a full workup again. This will include scans and I'm trying very hard not to let myself dwell on those but to focus on the here and now. Please pray for me that I don't let my nerves and fears rule me.

Also please keep Sabrina in your prayers. Pray that God has freed her from this cancer monster and that her future be bright and "normal".

As always, thanks for checking in on us and have a great day :-)
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"

Wednesday, May 16, 2001 at 09:08 PM (CDT)

Hi all. When you have time check out the photo link. I've added a prom picture.

Well after last week this week seems pretty calm. Sabrina's senior prom was Saturday and she looked like a princess. It was wild at our house before prom. All her friends came by with one problem or another so we were fixing makeup, sewing dresses and you name it. I wouldn't have had it any other way :-). After prom the kids all went to Jonesboro for project prom. Jim and I stayed home this year but I had fun helping put it all together. At project prom we give out prizes to each Junior and Senior and Sabrina won the Grand Prize. It's an electric scooter. It's the neatest little thing. We've been having lots of fun with it.

Last night was the high school musical. Sabrina played the part of a witch. It was so cute and the kids all did great! We tryed to tape it but our camcorder messed up so don't know how much we got. But I got lots of pictures.

Graduation is this Sunday and we are all ready! If anyone reading this is planning on coming to graduation you are invited to our house afterward for a little party for Sabrina. It's a drop in thing so come even if you don't come for graduation.

That's about it from our house. Thanks for checking in on us.
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"

Saturday, May 12, 2001 at 07:54 AM (CDT)

Our interesting week (part 3). We made it to Maryland Thursday and back without a hitch (except for getting lost in the airport :-). I don't think I mentioned this in the last update but we had a guardian angel with us this week (several actually) and on Thursday we flew in a private plane from Malden to St. Louis and then back that night into Malden. This probably cut about 5 to 6 hours from our traveling time not to mention the wear and tear on our bodies. This was a blessing in several forms!

I would like to say a HUGE thank you to the following people who made that trip happen:
Donnie Reynolds (for knowing the right people)
Steve Holden (living proof that even attorney's can be Angels in disguise :-)
Maco Construction (for the use of their very comfy airplane)
Alvin Owens (for riding along and making sure things went ok)
and last but not least
Doug Dunvine (one excellent pilot)

Tonight is prom night and all is well. Sabrina is feeling great and is all set to go. Then afterward is project prom in Jonesboro then tomorrow is sleep all day
:-).

This week has renewed my faith in the kindness of people and small town networking. I am very humbled at all the work that was put into getting us to St. Louis and back (so we could catch our plane to Maryland) and for the most part by total strangers. If any of you read this and know any of these people that I have mentioned please tell them how special they are.
Thanks for checking in on us.
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"

Wednesday, May 09, 2001 at 09:17 AM (CDT)

Hi all. I'm doing this update very close to the last one because I thought you'd all like to know how our last Maryland trip went. We left Monday morning at 10:30 and arrived at the Children's Inn at 8:30 that night. We got up the next morning and were at the clinic at 10:00 a.m. Sabrina was in the process of getting her labs drawn when the main Dr. and nurse came in and announced that we had a problem. It seems that the person in the lab that is in charge of getting the vaccine ready failed to add one of the main drugs when he was supposed to and thus the vaccine was not ready for us. They wanted us to stay over and do it today. This was not a good option as today is Sabrina's senior outing and she really wanted to go (she missed several other things by being gone Monday and Tuesday). So plan B.... we flew home early yesterday and are flying back Thursday morning, getting the vaccine and flying out Thursday afternoon.

I had to fight feelings of anger and resentment all the way home yesterday. It's hard to find the positive side to a mistake like that. Matter of fact I'm still working on that. But... Sabrina is on her trip today and tomorrow is all set up and things should fall into place for prom this weekend.
Have a great day and thanks for checking in with us.
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"

Monday, May 07, 2001 at 08:54 PM (CDT)

Hi all. Thought I'd give a quick update from Maryland. We got here at about 8:30p.m., had supper and now I'm chilling out while Jim and Brinie are down stairs playing ping pong (well they just got back). The trip was long and the flight turbulent but we made it. Tomorrow shouldn't be a real bad day as we don't have to be at the clinic till 10 and then only for labwork. Then they'll give us a beeper and we can leave. They will then beep us when the vaccine is ready. Our flight doesn't leave till about 8:00 tomorrow night and gets into St. Louis about 9:30 so it'll be another long day of travel. That's ok though.

Sabrina is feeling good. I just hope and pray the the IL-2 doesn't make her feel too bad tomorrow because Wed. she has a one day senior trip and I want her to feel like going. She is missing her athletic banquet tonight and the high school awards ceremony tomorrow so hopefully she won't have to miss the trip too. Sometimes I think how unfair all this is for her (and it is) but I am always able to look around and find someone who has it worse than us and when that happens I am able to count my blessings again.

Thanks for checking in on us. See you when we get back home :-).
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"

Monday, April 30, 2001 at 08:24 PM (CDT)

Hi everyone. Time for an update. Things are going really good here. Sabrina is feeling good and just staying busy doing senior stuff. She has senioritis pretty bad and is ready to graduate.

It's going ok with the IL-2 injections at home. We had an exciting first injection night on Wednesday. I won't go into all the details but we ended up having to get mixing needles from the vet (anyone who wants the whole story email me). We have learned to deal with anything! The shot is having a few side effects but we are trying to change meds around and eliminate them. The biggest problem we are having with it is insomnia. After the injection it's about 3a.m. before she can go to sleep. We're working on that too. With the last injection she ran a low grade temp. We are praying that doesn't keep happening (if that one gets worse she could end up in the hospital). The good news is that the side effects wear off very quickly and other than being tired from lack of sleep, she feels pretty good.

I can't believe a week of being home has already passed. Time seems to be flying now. We had honors banquet last Friday night. I am very proud of Sabrina for keeping her grades up with all she has been through. Her athletic banquet is this coming Monday but we'll have to miss that one as we'll be traveling to Maryland.

We've been busy getting her registered for college today. Had some last minute forms to fill out and hopefully one day next week we'll be able to go over and get her schedule lined out for the fall. In the mean time she has been doing a little job hunting. Isn't it amazing that she feels good enough to want a job!! Speaking of jobs.... say a little prayer for Sam tonight as she has an interview at the Jackson Walmart on Wednesday. Her girl scout job will end in a few weeks so she will be needing another job. She is also getting her college schedule all lined out and is taking 2 summer classes. Then she'll have a full load again this fall. I'm very proud of both my girls. They are very good kids! (ok, off my bragging box now)

That's about it in our world. Thanks for checking in on us and hope this finds everyone healthy and happy.
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"

Tuesday, April 24, 2001 at 10:37 PM (CDT)

Home again! We made it home at about 1 this morning. This one was a very fast and tiring trip but round one of the vaccine is comlete.

It was a very long day beginning at 7:30a.m. in the apheresis unit. We were there until about 12. They had to put her on the machine to take more T-cells for later then they gave her 3 bags of her own T-cells that have been made "smart" in the lab. This part wasn't bad until they gave her the benadryl which just made her very very tired all day. She got stuck 3 times for this procedure with some very big needles. I took pictures of this part and will add them to the website when I get them back.

The second part of the day was in the clinic where she got a physical, and we had the IL-2 teaching session. This wasn't much as we already know how to give a shot from her prior treatment. Also had a powwow with Lauren (our main nurse) about all the meds, and home follow-ups etc and learned how to keep the log of "things" at home. We have to log everything while she's on the IL-2. This medication is a sub-q injection 3 times a week. Sabrina will most likely do it herself.

From the clinic we went to MRI. Well Jim and Brinie did while I took care of some paperwork and got scripts filled. She had to be stuck again in for the MRI. Oh, and in the clinic she got a flu shot (stick #5).

After MRI we went to the Day Hospital (because the clinic closes at 4) where she got labs done (stick #6) and received the actual vaccine (stick #7,8,9 10 & 11) and the IL-2 injection (stick #12). By the end of the day she was very sick of people coming at her with needles and her poor arms were just full of holes. She's very sore today from all that. Other than being achy and tired today she feels great (thank you God). We were done at the NIH at about 5:45 and caught the shuttle back to the airport at 6. Got into St. Louis a little before 10 and home around 1.

We got the MRI results today (they were trying to zero in on that "spot" that they saw on the ct scan) and all is well. The MRI revealed that nothing suspicious was there and that the spot did indeed look like fluid. (another Thank you God). They will still watch it but all the Dr.'s were very pleased with these results.

Our next trip will be May 8th. So that means we have 2 whole weeks at home .

That's about it for us. Hope all is well with everyone and thanks for checking in.
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"

Saturday, April 21, 2001 at 11:23 PM (CDT)

Just a quick update to let everyone know that things are going good. Our 3 days home have gone by quickly. We are all packed and ready to go again tomorrow. I'm not as nervous this time but I guess the nerves will always be there. We'll officially start the vaccine this time. This is something I've been waiting for since I first heard about it. I pray that this is the treatment we've been looking for. In a way I feel like it is because in our search for other treatments doors seem to close and the doors have stayed wide open on this. I'll update again when we get home.
Thanks for checking in!
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"

Thursday, April 19, 2001 at 11:37 PM (CDT)

Hi everyone. It's Cathy again. I don't know if I can do as good as job as Sabrina updating (she says that I write to much) but I'll try.

We are home. Got in about 11:30 last night. Tuesday was very interesting as we made the trip to Washington DC. We learned one thing for sure. Never drive down there. If we ever go again we'll take a bus or metro or something like that. Traffic and parking were a nightmare. But we did go to the Natural History museum and it was really neat. Sabrina just bounced from one exhibit to the other. We saw lots of bones :-) and the hope diamond (awesome!)among other things. It was a good day all in all.

On Wednesday we were at the hospital at 9 for a bonescan injection. Then from there we had to go the the aphersis clinic to have Sabrina's veins checked for next week (they were fine). Then they read the skin tests and we had our powwow with the sarcoma team. In between that we snuck in a quick trip to the mall that was nearby. The meeting went well and we signed all the forms. The Dr.'s want to do an MRI of the "spot" they saw on the ct scan just so they can get a better look at it. They aren't really concerned but just told us that any time something abnormal shows up they need more pictures. They seem very convinced that this is just fluid but had to tell us all the posibilities of what it "could" be.

Our flight was delayed an hour leaving Maryland so we were later than planned getting to St. Louis and home. We were all tired today but not real bad.
We will be leaving Sunday at noon to head back out to the NIH and the vaccine will start on Monday. The first time there will be several "one time only" things done so it will be a longer day than the vaccines to follow. Please keep us in your prayers because I have no idea where we'd be without the prayers of all you dear people.

Also please say a prayer for a friend and neighbor of ours. Mrs Maxam passed away while we were gone (she was almost 89) and her sister who has cared for her for the last 3 years will be needing our prayers. Her name is Mrs. Ford. Very very sweet lady and she's 87 herself.

Until next time.....
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"

Monday, April 16, 2001 at 06:36 PM (CDT)

Hey Everybody! This is Sabrina here, mom is tired so I decided I would update my page myself. What better way is there to hear about me than from me?
Well today was an extremely busy day. I don't believe I've ever been poked and scanned so much in my life. First I had about ten viles of blood drawn, I told the nurse to leave me some for later though. Then I had a MRI, CT scan, chest X-ray, physical by a doctor, and skin tests done. All of that took FOREVER!
After we left the hospital Mom was of course nervous about the scan results. They turned out clean though, the docs said that there was fluid where I had my kidney removed, but that that was perfectly normal. The nurses arranged it to where I don't have go to the hospital at all tommorrow, so we are going to the Natural History museum. I'm looking forward to it because they have ancient shark jaws that are the size of a Volkswagon Beetle.
Well I'm gonna close, if I left anything out I'm sure Mom will fix it next time she writes on here. BYE EVERYBODY!!

Thursday, April 12, 2001 at 11:53 PM (CDT)

Hi all. Just a quick update to let you know that travel plans are all set and we will be leaving Sunday morning at 11:30. Our plane leaves St. Louis at 4:30 and arrives at BWI around 7:30. We'll be staying the first night at the Childrens Inn which is on the NIH campus. Our plans were to stay all 3 nights there (it's a nice place and it's free) but they were changed when the Children's Inn called me a few nights ago and told me that they had overbooked and asked if we would mind staying 2 nights in a motel (their treat). I told them we were very flexible (Sabrina had kind of wanted to stay in a motel anyway) and they told me we are booked for 2 nights at the Sheritan. I don't see a problem with that :-).

On Monday we have to be at the clinic at 8:30. Then at 9 they will do some lab work (blood work and u.a.). Then at 10 she has a MUGA (heart test) and at 11 a cat scan. Sometime that day she will have a physical exam by one of the sarcoma team and also a chest xray. Then in the afternoon we will see if they can do the MRI (or it will have to be done Tues or Wed afternoon) and also that afternoon she will have skin tests done.

On Tuesday we will have a family meeting where we will go over all the details of the vaccine and be given the consent forms and then we will go the the apheresis clinic where they will do a venous assessment (check her veins). Hopefully we will have done the MRI on Monday and we will have this afternoon free. Sabrina wants to go to the Smithsonian if we get a free afternoon.

On Wednesday we will report to neuclear medicine for an injection at 9:00. This is for the bonescan that will be done at noon. Then after the bone scan we'll go to the hem/onc clinic to have the skin tests read and prob. meet again with the sarcoma team to go over all the lab results and sign consent forms.

The MRI is on an "on call" basis which means we'll be worked in sometime in these 3 days. If all goes well we will fly the friendly skies to home on Wednesday evening around 6.

I'll be updating while we are there and calling home each day (to my mom) for any of you that want to keep up with us.

Sabrina is feeling GREAT! It's so good to see her out and about doing normal teen stuff and having fun. They are on spring break right now and she's having a blast. She even seems to have a touch of senioritis. Something she hasn't gotten to have much of this year. Sam will be home Saturday for the night and to see us off on Sunday. She's planning on dog sitting for us while we are gone. I'm not sure whether to feel sorry for Sam or for Vito :-). (kidding Sam).

That's about it for now. I probably won't update again until we are in Maryland as I'll be pretty busy getting ready to go.
Happy Easter to Everyone!
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"

Saturday, April 07, 2001 at 10:08 PM (CDT)

Hi all. Quick update to let you know that things are still going good. You know how I told you that Sam and Brinie went to a concert this past week. Sabrina passed out and the battery went dead on the surburban (someone forgot to turn the lights off) and yet they thought it was the best night of their lives! First, they went very early and were in a stand up section close to the stage. Sabrina got to hot and fainted. So they got her outside (close to the band busses)to wait for an ambulance. The emt's checked her out and she was fine. Just needed water and frest air. So then they traded seats with some friends so Brinie could sit down for the concert and (now comes the really good part) they had to be wheeled to their new seats via backstage. They actually came face to face with the drummer from the band Fuel (yea, I never heard of it either) and he talked to them. At that point Sabrina said Big Bird could have gotten on stage and sang his abc's and she would not have cared. They both said he was the "hottest" guy they had ever seen in their entire lives. Then when it was over they had to pay a wrecker to come jump the truck and even that didn't ruin their night. I'm glad they had such a good time!

We went prom dress shopping today and Sabrina got the exact dress she wanted and all the accessaries to go with it. She is looking forward to prom this year even more than last I think.

That's about it for us. My moms back is better. Thanks for your prayers. Sam's friend goes for tests next week to see what's going on with her baby so please keep her in your prayers. Also as you remember us in your prayers remember to include Sam. This is all tough on her too.
Thanks for checking in on us.
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"

Wednesday, April 04, 2001 at 09:58 PM (CDT)

Hi all. In case you didn't see it I've added a link to info about the vaccine study. When you get to the clinic trials page type in rhabdomyosarcoma and then scan down till you see the one that says something about tumor specific peptide vaccine with IL-2 and click on that. Just thought some of you might like to read about it.

Sabrina is doing so much better now. She's going to school, practicing for the play and doing senior stuff again. It's so nice to see her feeling better. Tonight she, Sam and her friends have gone to a concert. I forget the name of the groups (3 doors down maybe??) but the girls were very excited. I believe there were at least 7 kids in my surburban when they left. Hope they come back with that many :-). They've all been looking forward to this for awhile.

Everything else is going ok. The election was yesterday and I didn't get re-elected to the school board. Maybe I didn't need it anyway (but I did enjoy my 3 years that I had). Depending on what's going on I may try running again next year.

Be watching for your graduation announcement from Sabrina. I failed to order those little name card things but they are ordered now and as soon as they come in the announcements will be going out! I still can't believe she's graduating but I thank God that after all she's been through she's going to be able to graduate on time and with her friends!

I've been working on project prom again. This will be my last year to be involved in that. And of course with it being Sabrina's SR year I want it to be very special. If any of you generous people would like to send a donation for this just feel free to email me privately :-).

And lastly I would like to ask you to keep some people in your prayers (along with us please). My mom was moving a bed yesterday and has really messed up her back. She has trouble even walking right now and will prob. end up of having to go to the Dr. with this. And a friend of Sam's who is pregnant is having some problems (they think something is wrong with the baby. And my Uncle Al (who thinks he is still young enough to be climbing on houses :-) fell off a ladder and cracked some ribs so please say a prayer for all 3 of them.

Oh, one more thing. I have nominated Sabrina to be a torch bearer/runner for the olympics and if you would like to nominate her too email me (mrsstan@aol.com) and I'll tell you how. I think the people are chosen from a random drawing so the more entries she receives the better her chances are. She thinks it is really cool that she might get to do this. Ok, now I will finally close.
Thanks for checking in on us!
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"

Wednesday, March 28, 2001 at 08:15 AM (CST)

Hi all. Wanted to do a quick update and let everyone know that Sabrina is doing better. Her cold/flu is still hanging on but we now know that it's NOT mono (thank you Lord). She's still stuffy and coughing though :-(. She's been going to school some this week and I think that has been good for her, although it seems to make her very very tired. She's decided not to try and play softball. I really thought that would be to much for her but I let her make the decision. She is still going to do the high school play and seems to really be enjoying that. Of course we will tape it for anyone who wants to see.

I'm starting to get nervous about her scans so say a little prayer that my nerves hold out (for everyones sake!).

For those of you who read my last update, our friend Phil ended up having triple bypass surgery (he's only 42) and came through it really good. Please keep them in your prayers along with us.
Thanks for checking in!
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"

Thursday, March 22, 2001 at 04:12 PM (CST)

Time for a quick update. I wish I could say that things are going good but the truth is this has been a really crappy week. Sabrina hasn't been to school all week and she feels terrible. I took her to the family doc Tuesday. He put her on cough syrup, allegra-d, and a Z-pac (antibiotics). He also put me on all these things as she and I had alot of the same symptoms and he didn't want us passing germs back and forth. I'm feeling better but she's not. She has now lost her voice and her throat is so raw and she's still hacking her head off.

This is soooooo frustrating!!! It's just not fair. As the kids would say "this just sucks"! She had one week of feeling good after treatment and then this crap. I just don't get it. It really ticks me off that she just can't feel good. God knows she deserves to.

Please say a prayer for my friend Penny. Her husband is in the hospital with heart problems (may have to have surgery... has had 3 heart attacks), and her 16 year old daughter is home with mono (also please pray that Sabrina's problem is just the flu or something and NOT mono). She's really being pulled and is very concerned about her dh and his problems. She needs all our prayers right now.

That's about it. Sorry to be so down but it's hard to be upbeat and positive right now.

Thanks for checking in.
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"

Monday, March 19, 2001 at 02:37 PM (CST)

Hi all. Just a quick update. After a few days of feeling really good Sabrina now has either a cold or the flu. She's been down with it the whole weekend and feels tired today (and still stuffy). And, I have now caught it to and feel like crap.
Hopefully hers won't last long and she can get back into the swing of things.

We have dates now for Maryland. We leave to go out there on Easter Sunday. We'll be there till the 18th or 19th that week and then back out there on the 23rd (if everything checks out ok) to start the vaccine on the 24th. We are actually trying to get this changed to the 22nd and 23rd but either way the vaccine will start the end of April (if the good Lord is willing).

Sam came home yesterday. She has Spring break this week. She'll be going back this afternoon though because she has to work tomorrow. It's always good to have her home. Her room is about done and really looks good. There's always finishing touches but it's coming together.

That's about it from our house. Hope all is well with you and yours.
Thanks for checking in.
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"

ps If any of my Hartsfield family have any of the old pictures that Grandma used to have hanging in her house, and you'd like to part with them, they would look really nice in the room we just redid! (hint hint)

Wednesday, March 14, 2001 at 08:26 PM (CST)

Hi all. I'm happy to say that Sabrina is feeling better. Monday she went to school at lunch time to see her friends then Monday night she went to watch the play tryouts and ended up trying out herself and got a part! Then Tuesday she went to school for a couple of classes and she and I went to a Jr. High vb game last night. Today she went to school most of the day, came home got her cleats and softball glove and went to softball practice. Again she was just going to "play around" with the team but is now seriously considering trying to play. The coach asked her to be manager but she said she just didn't think she could do that. She'd be wanting out on the field to bad. I think softball is her second love with volleyball being #1. So she comes home from practice and it seems she covered first base during most of it. She was dragging! She's trying to do to much to fast but that's ok. She' making up for lost time. She still looks a little pale but I know that will change as her blood counts come up (yes, she played softball with low counts).

I've been talking with the nurse in Maryland and it looks like (no definate plans yet) we will be going out there on the 16th or 17th of April for tests and scans and if everything checks out ok (oh God please) then we'll go back on the 23rd or 24th and start the vaccine.

Tonight we also went out to eat (something we rarely do with our new way of eating) and Sabrina ended up asking the guy who owns the place if he needed help and then she got an app and let me know that she thinks she'll be ready to work soon. Said she likes making her own money. She never ceases to amaze me.

Everything else is going ok. Jim and I put the wood floor down in Sam's old room this past weekend and actually worked very well together. It looks really nice. We still have some things to do in there but the major stuff is done (and we are still speaking and still married ;-).

Sam is doing good. Still working for the girl scouts and going to school. She has spring break next week and is planning a trip to Springfield this weekend to see her cousin Amber. It's weird that she just plans that stuff now and doesn't ask me. But I guess when you are 20 you don't have to have your mommy's permission anymore :-).
I'm soooo old!

I'll close now. Please keep us in your prayers and remember to thank God for the ones that have been answered so far.
Thanks for checking in!
Cathy
"Standing on the promises of God"

Sunday, March 11, 2001 at 09:35 AM (CST)

Hi all. Just a quick update to let you know that Sabrina is now finished with chemo and radiation. She was feeling pretty lousy Friday so the Dr. said that's it. He had no problem with stopping radiation that day. He said he was only going to go on with last 3 days if she were feeling better than that. So we're done. It's sort of scary being done (from my perspective, not Sabrina's) but I know we can't keep her in treatment forever and she deserves to feel good again. We are still doing things from the nutritional standpoint and the supplement standpoint. I should know in a week or so what the preliminary schedule is for Maryland.

Pray that Sabrina feels better soon. Penny and Morgan came over Friday night and I could see such a difference in Sabrina with having one of her friends around. Also I really enjoyed visiting with Penny and "catching up" on everybody. Thanks guys!

One more thing before I close. Please say a special prayer for a little boy named Dylan Harris. Dylan is 4 and has just relapsed (for the second time) with rhabdo. His parents are devastated to say the least and need lots of prayers.

Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"

Wednesday, March 07, 2001 at 08:08 AM (CST)

Hi all. Let me start by wishing a very HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Samantha. She's 20 today! That doesn't seem possible. We love you Sam!

Today is our last day of VP16 (chemo) . Sabrina will take the last one this afternoon. Still not sure about the end of radiation. It will either be this Friday or one day next week. Sabrina's skin looks good but she's feeling the internal effects now. Her stomach stays upset and now feels like it is burning alot. (on fire is the words she uses)
She wants to quit Friday and a part of me wants to too. But then there's that little voice that says "what if". So we'll see. I pray that when this treatment is over she is able to bounce back quickly and get back to her life. Her hair is coming back in. It's back enough that yesterday she didn't wear any headgear. She looks very cute in really short hair.

Jim and I are redoing Sam's room (and yes Sam.... it's still your room :-) You might say a prayer for us that we can do this project and stay married . We tend to want to do everything a different way but we're about halfway done and still speaking so I guess it will be ok.

Oh, and one more thing.... Sabrina's truck is about done (her graduation present) so for those of you who live local, be watching for the white Dodge pretty soon instead of the Monte Carlo.

Thanks for checking on us.
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"

Friday, March 02, 2001 at 10:21 AM (CST)

Hi all. Just a quick update. Not alot has changed since the last update. Sabrina has had a few bad days this week (just felt like total crap) but she's had a few decent days too so it's not been all bad. Today is day 20 of radiation. We thought we'd be stopping at 25 but now the radiation doc says that if she continues to do as well as she is and her skin contines to hold up good (in other words if they havent' burnt a whole through her by the end of next week) he'd like to go ahead and do 28 treatments. We are thinking about that one.....

She has a few more days of chemo left (5 to be exact) so maybe she'll feel better when that is over. She is so bored. She doesn't feel like doing hardly anything and her friends are all busy. Shauna is the one who makes time to stop by and check on her more than anyone (thank you Shauna). I think Sabrina enjoys seeing a new face from time to time. My parents have been great in helping to take her to Cape everyday. This breaks up the monotony for her when it's not the same person going every day (thanks mom and dad). She enjoyed Donnie and Shelia last weekend when they were here too. I know that everyone is busy though with their own lives and we only have a week or two left of this and then hopefully she will feel like getting out of the house again.

That's about it for now. Thanks for checking in. Oh, one more thing, Sabrina really enjoys getting cards so maybe, if you have time, you could send her one? Thanks.
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"

Monday, February 26, 2001 at 12:13 AM (CST)

It's midnight and I can't sleep. So thought I'd give a quick update on Sabrina.
Today is day 6 of the second round of low dose chemo. It seems to be going ok and not quite as bad as the first time. Sabrina is sooo sick of being couped up in the house though and she's ready to feel better and go back to school and run around with her friends. She's probably one of the few high school students who actually "wants" to go to school.

Tomorrow will be day 16 on radiation. 2 more weeks. I've been working with the Maryland Dr.'s to start getting that rolling. Nothing can be planned until radiation is over and now it looks like we'll have to make an evaluation trip before the actual vaccine starts but that's ok. We are VERY flexible!

Say a prayer for us that these last 2 weeks of radiation aren't too hard on her. The end was hardest last time but I'm praying that this time won't be as bad.

As always, thanks for checking on us and have a good week.
Cathy
"Standing on the promises of God"

Tuesday, February 20, 2001 at 10:41 AM (CST)

Hi all. First let me say.... Happy Birthday to my dad. He's 66 years young today. And to celebrate his birthday he's gone to a sale to buy cars! For those of you who know my dad you know that he'd rather be buying cars than just about anything else so I guess he's having a good bday.

Sabrina is feeling better. Not up to going to school yet but better. She had a really good weekend and probably over did it but it was good to see her going places with her friends. Sunday night she started having a pain in her right side (freak out time again!) so yesterday we asked the radiation doc about it and he said that this is prob. an inflammed muscle caused by the radiation. Today it feels better so we'll just keep an eye on it. Today we have an appt. with the oncologist in Cape. Just a check up before she starts this next round of low dose chemo (which will be today). Today will be day 12 of radiation so tomorrow marks the half way point for that. Sometimes it seems as if we are moving in slow motion but at least we are moving!

Keep us in your prayers and thanks for checking in. Till next time.....
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"

Thursday, February 15, 2001 at 03:30 PM (CST)

I just checked and it's been a week since my last update. Didn't realize it had been that long.

Sabrina finished the low dose chemo (round 1) on Monday. I was hoping that it would get out of her system quickly and she'd start feeling better. Either that is not happening or the radiation is making her feel bad (that could be the case but ususally doesn't happen this early on). She still has no energy and the least little thing just wears her out. And, she still feels nauseous alot which we were hoping would quit happening too. Another thing that could be happening is that all this treatment could just be catching up with her. She hasn't had much of a break between major surgery, 3 rounds of heavy chemo, then radiation with low dose chemo.

Today is day 9 of radiation (mom took her to Cape today) with 16 more to go. Too bad they don't radiate on the weekends, we could get done alot faster! We get her blood counts done today and then again Monday and if they are good then I suppose we will start round 2 of the low dose chemo on Tues or Wed. of next week. With each week that passes we are one week closer to being done with treatments. Please pray that when she's done this time she is done for good (NO MORE CANCER!).

Thanks for checking in!
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"

Thursday, February 08, 2001 at 08:25 PM (CST)

Hi everyone. Time for an update. Today is day 10 (of 14) on the new chemo. It's going pretty well but not quite as well as we had hoped. It's better than the other stuff though. Sabrina has zero energy and feels sick to her stomach alot. She has only thrown up twice though in the whole 10 days. Only 4 more to go and she gets a week off. Then if her counts stay good (they were ok today) we'll do another 14 day round. The next round may be split up in 7 days segments though (7 on, 7 off and then 7 on). We'll just play that one by ear. Today was also day 4 of radiation. I'm afraid that this is really going to irritate her scar from her recent nephrectomy. We are using aloe vera gel twice a day to try to avoid that and to possibly keep her skin from getting burned. Tomorrow we will be 1/5 of the way done with radiation and if the good Lord is willing only 10 weeks away from going to Maryland and getting started on the vaccine.

This week I met (via the internet) another family who is going to Maryland for the same vaccine the Sabrina will be getting. This is a 17 year old boy and this week he did his second round of the vaccine. Say a prayer for this family also, I know they need it.

Hopefully on her week off next week Sabrina will feel like getting out of the house (and off of the couch) and maybe going to school some. Our afternoons are spent traveling back and forth to Cape but pray that she feels like doing things in the morning and that this stuff leaves her system quickly.

Sam is still doing good. She's taking a few classes this semester and still working for the girl scouts. Please remember her in your prayers too as this is hard on her also (sometimes we tend to forget that). In less than a month she will be 20! Can you believe that?? I'm not old enough to have a 20 year old daughter!

That's about it from our house. Please pray that the next 4 days of chemo pass quietly and that radiation only kills what it is supposed to (and not the good stuff) and that soon Sabrina can get back to the life of a normal senior in high school and put this nightmare behind her once and for all!
Thanks for checking in and don't forget to sign our guestbook from time to time.
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"

Saturday, February 03, 2001 at 06:43 PM (CST)

Hi all. Hope all is well with everyone. Things are going fairly smoothly here (I'm almost scared to say that out loud). Sabrina started on the new chemo Tuesday and so far so good. If her counts stay up and she continues to tolerate it well (and I pray that both things happen) she will take it 14 days in a row then be off for 7 then back on for 14 more. We start radiation (finally) Monday morning so this chemo will last untill about the end of that. Her next scans will be sometime around the end of March (please start praying now that they are clear) The only side effect she has had is a little nausua and she's been a little more tired than usual. But none of that kept her from going to homecoming last night and having a really good time with her friends. Several of them went out to eat after homecomeing then they all spent the night at one of her friends. She was one tired puppy when she got home today. But I am so very thankful that she felt like going and that she had a good time at her SR homecoming. That is very important.

We've all had a touch of that flu that is going around so today we've all just layed around the house (or maybe we are just lazy :-). Sam has been home for a few days and that has been very nice too.

That's about it at our house. I'll try to keep everyone posted through radiation. Thanks for checking on us.
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"

Sunday, January 28, 2001 at 05:36 PM (CST)

Hi all. This past week has been a rather long one for me. But it's been a good one for Sabrina. She is feeling better all the time and just goes, goes, goes. It's been long for me because we are waiting to get radiation started and I'm just not real good at waiting. It's also been a week of change in plans (again). I haven't said much about this for fear of plans falling through again.

Sabrina will be starting back on chemo tomorrow. Yep, you heard me right, chemo. It is something new (to her) and like everything else we are doing is experimental. This comes from the suggestion of the Dr. in Maryland who will be doing the vaccine. The chemo is called VP16 (or etoposide) and will be given in an extremely low oral dose. Because the dose is so low the Dr.'s don't think there will be much toxcity (if any) and the biggest thing we'll have to watch are her blood counts. The plan is that she will take it 14 days then be off for 7 and back on for 14 more at which point we will be about done with radiation. To me this is a sort of insurance policy to Sabrina it is the possibility of something that can help her without making her deathly ill. Please please pray that the Dr.'s are right and she tolerates this well and that this is just what she needs added to her plan to beat this thing! We will also be starting radiation sometime this week (hopefully Wed.). It will last for 5 - 5 1/2 weeks. The best thing about that is that we get to do it in Cape and be in our own beds at night.

Say a little prayer for Sam too as she is battling a cold (or that flu bug) and isn't feeling real good right now.

Thanks for checking in and have a good week!
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"
"

Friday, January 26, 2001 at 09:16 AM (CST)

Hi everyone. Thanks for checking in. Sabrina is feeling really good these days. She's just going and going (sometimes she wears herself out!). She's been in school everyday this week and is back to doing her intern at the vets office (something she just loves.... thank you Bill and Crystal!). She comes home telling me all the gory details of the surgeries she assists with and about all the poor pitiful animals that she sees. I am almost sure she is destined to work with animals somehow.

We will be starting radiation next week. Not sure what day yet but prob. Wed. or Thurs. We have some other things in the works but I won't go into them now for fear of jinxing the plan. Just pray that this plan goes through and works for her. I feel like God is opening and closing these doors for us and I try to understand and be patient, but sometimes that is very hard.

In the meantime we are incorporating several alternative things into our lives and we can defineately see the effects they are having (positive). Her counts are good and she has bounced back alot faster and her energy is returning to normal. I thank God for directing us down that path.

Please keep us in your prayers. And say a special prayer for all the other kids and families that are going through this nightmare. Until you've been in this situation you have no idea how many children are attacked by the "c" monster every year. It is very scary and very sad.

Again, thanks for checking in. We love to hear from you! Oh, and whoever sent me the verse from proverbs, THANK YOU very much. I needed to read that!
Cathy
"Standing on the promises of God"

Friday, January 19, 2001 at 06:15 PM (CST)

Hi all. This update will be about our change in plans #5431. That may be stretching it a bit but things change daily around here (to the point where I don't even know what is goin on sometiems).

This week has been a roller coaster again and we have NOT enjoyed the ride. We had no idea that our seeking out alternative treatments would be met with such opposition. We are trying to find the best of both worlds (and we do feel like BOTH worlds have good and bad things to offer) but trying to stay in both worlds at once is like trying to balance an elephant on your head.

If you read my last update you know that I wasn't real impressed with the radiation doc we had met in Memphis. Well turns out he's a pompus ass and thinks that if a treatment is something that HE does not offer then it is crap and has refused to treat her (because we want to do the hyperthermia with it... guess I should have kept my mouth shut). And.. he made us waste a week of our time while he figured it all out. So we are back to doing radiation in Cape but (always a but) we have to wait another week to get started because that doc is going to be out of town next week. I will take some of the blame for these delays. We had to take a "time out" and explore other options. We were feeling really good about those options too till this. We will still be doing some alternative stuff (have found out that we can actually do alot at home with guidance) and would still like to go spend some time doing some of Dr. Pages therapies in Memphis. We spent the whole day in Cape today getting set up for radiation so I didn't get a chance to call Dr. P and discuss any of this with him to see what out options might be. In the meantime we are reading every book and piece of material we can get our hands on about what WE can do on our own. I even had a consult with a nutritionist from NJ (he's also an oncologist, immunotherapist and radiation oncologist). He gave me some very good ideas and is helping get Sabrina on a supplement plan that has been designed especially for cancer patients. He asked me tons of questions and then recomended some things that we can do and some supplemnts to get her on. Some are to build the immune system and some are geared more toward cancer prevention.

I hate that we live in a country where a person cannot choose their own treatments or therapies without an act of congress. And where people cannot work together and combine the benefits of things to actually help other people (i.e. why don't most oncologists encourage proper nutrition and supplementation when there is soooo much data supporting both things?) And where money, power and politics work to crush or bury something that could benefit tons of people just because that "thing" doesn't fit into their plan.

Sabrina is really feeling good this week. Even though we were all very disappointed that we didn't get to do things exactly like we wanted we are just oing to work around it. She is out with friends tonight and worried about who she will invite to homecoming (so sweet to have normal teen things going on). She lets me carry most of the stress for her (which I will gladly do) and pretty much just lets things roll off her back. She too got upset that our plans were changed but like I said... we'll deal with it and just formulate another plan. We're getting very good at that.

I pray that God will just wrap his arms around her and keep her happy and well. I pray that we are doing the right thing. We did have the option of not doing radiation and if we hadn't we would get to Maryland quicker for the vaccine but we have decided that since every Dr. (even most of the alternative ones we have talked to) thinks it is prob. important to do radiation then we should do it. I just hate that we are so limited as to where and how. But, if I have learned anything at all through the 2 1/2 years we have been dealing with this it is that LIFE IS NOT FAIR and you just have to deal with it as best you can. We are still researching every alternative therapy known to man and all the clinics that are available so who knows what will come next. For now I am working on getting used to the idea that we don't get to do exactly what we wanted and trying to see this as a minor detour and figuring out a new plan (which will prob. change as soon as I get it figured out!). Please keep us in your prayers.
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"

Monday, January 15, 2001 at 08:29 AM (CST)

Hi all. I guess this is an overdue update. I didn't really realize it had been so long. I seem to tell our story so much that I don't remember who has heard it and who hasn't.

We have met with the Dr. in Memphis (last Monday) and we do like him and the things he does. We are ready to get moving but radiation seems to be holding everything up. We would like to now do radiation in Memphis so that we can be doing it along with the things Dr. Page does and get things done a little faster. We seem to having a problem finding someone down there to do the radiation. We did go Friday and meet with a radiation oncologist down there. I wasn't real impressed (long story). He seemed to know more about Sabrina's case after reviewing it for 15 minutes than we did after dealing with it for 2 1/2 years. I have a problem with Dr.'s who think they know everything and want to point out the obvioius over and over and over. He upset Sabrina too (so that was enough for me not to like him!). So....I'm not sure what will happen there. Dr. Page will be calling me today after he talks to a few people down there. I DO NOT like sitting here not doing anything.

That's about it (kind of long story short) for now. I'll update again when I know more.
Thanks for checking in.
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"

Thursday, January 04, 2001 at 08:11 AM (CST)

Hi everyone. Hope you all had a happy new year! Ours was pretty uneventful (a good thing). Jim and I managed to stay up till 12 but that was it for us. Sabrina had 2 friends come over and spend the night (Shauna and Crystal... you're the greatest!) and I think they stayed up all night! It was so sweet to hear the laughter coming from her room!!

Well our plans have changed again (want to come ride on our rollercoaster?). In doing all our research on complimentary medicine we have come across so many things that seem promising. The big job is to separate the "real" stuff from the "crap". Jim and I have spent hours and hours reading, searching and educating ourselves and I feel like we have only touched the tip of the iceburg. But several "real" things keep coming up over and over so we are taking a long look at those things. Anyway the clinic in California is still a possibility but we may not have to go there to get the therapy that we want for Sabrina. Through networking (thank you Laura!) and in a round about way we have found a Dr. in Memphis that seems to do the very same things that we liked about the CA clinic. And... he's been doing it longer (thus more experience). Since Memphis is so close we are going down for a consult with him this coming Monday. I spoke with him on the phone (Dr. Roy Page) and was very impressed (course phone impressions can be wrong but I hope not). I am actually excited about the possibilities that lay before us right now, we just have to figure some of it out. If anyone who reads this is an expert in alternative/complimentary medicine please let me know as we could use a hands on crash course!!!

Please please keep us in your prayers. This is all scary because there is no one direct path to anything. But I believe that all our paths are directed by God and he'll tell us what to do (I just wish sometimes he would talk a little louder!).

In the meantime Sabrina continues to feel better every day. She might even go to school for a little while today!

Thanks for checking in and I'll try to keep you all posted.
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"

Sunday, December 31, 2000 at 08:22 PM (CST)

Hi everyone. Time for an update. Some of you who check in on us already know what kind of week we have had but for those of you that don't here goes: We started chemo on Tuesday in Cape. The first day went fairly smooth and Sabrina seemed much more relaxed. But that night she got terribly sick and it carried over. The next day wasn't quite as smooth but tolerable. She just progressively got sicker and sicker with each day. We stopped chemo on Thursday (actually did Thurs but not Friday). And unless something unforseen happens that is the last of it. Sabrina is sick of being sick and of knowing that just when she feels good she'll soon be sick again. When we first started this new chemo her Dr. told her that this would be a "walk in the park" compared to the other stuff she has had. Not true (if this is the case then we don't like this park!!). Other than not suppressing her blood counts this kind has been just as bad and has made her just as sick.

This isn't a really major deal since we were only planning on doing one more round anyway. We are taking a very serious look (and are more than likely going to go) at a place called The Immune Institute in California. It's an "alternative" approach to cancer treatment. You can check it out by visiting www.immuneinstitute.com
We have been doing extensive research into this type of treatment and so far like what we have read. There is sooooo much data to absorb that it can get very confusing. We are taking our time, praying and making sure this is what we should do. It will mean some lifestyle changes for us (i.e. the way we eat) but that's ok.

We are by no means abandoning conventional treatment but just trying to find a mixture of both worlds that will give Sabrina the most benefit. We will most likely still do radiation (prob. after we go to CA) and we will still be going for the vaccine in Maryland so actually very little has changed.

We haven't actually made the call to CA for an appointment yet (so none of this is set in stone or anything) but we have talked to their patient rep and had a consult with one of their Dr.'s. So far we like what we hear and will most likely be making the call next week.

Please pray for us as we journey onto yet another path.

I want to wish everyone a very happy and healthy new year that is filled with peace, joy, love and God's blessings.
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"

Monday, December 25, 2000 at 09:17 PM (CST)

Hi all and Merry Christmas. I hope everyone had a good holiday. We did. Sabrina feels good and Sam has been home for a few days. We did most of our visiting yesterday (had a good time surrounded by family) and today was just a sit back and relax day for the most part. Trav and Kristie got me 2 new photo albums so I spent the biggest part of the afternoon filling them up.

Since my last post there have been some changes in Sabrina's treatment. After much prayer, research and deliberation we have decided to back out of the stem cell transplant. The bad just seemed to out weigh the good and we just could not make peace with that decision. We start back on chemo (I say WE because it's a family thing through and through) tomorrow but are doing it in Cape this time. Sabrina really wanted this and I think it will be nice to at least be home at night in our own beds. Also it is back to looking like we will get to do radiation in Cape (very long story) and I am thankful for that. The St. Louis radiologist and the Cape radiologist are going to work side by side to make sure everything goes smoothly.

I'm going to keep this one short but will try to post more soon. Please say a prayer for us this week as Sabrina has to go through the chemo again. The up side of that is that we will prob. only have one or two more rounds to do after this one and radiation should get rolling sometime in Jan. so hopefully we'll be done with treatment very soon and Sabrina can feel good again full time (instead of only one or two weeks out of the month).

Again, Merry Christmas to you all and may God Bless the year 2001 for you.
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"

Saturday, December 16, 2000 at 12:05 AM (CST)

It's been 6 days since our last update so I guess this one is due. First and foremost Sabrina is feeling really good! She looks good and has lots of energy (although she and I went shopping yesterday and it wore us both out!). Her blood counts are good so I have no doubt that it will be a good Christmas now with her feeling so well.

I've been very busy during the last 6 days getting our treatment plan lined out. I had posted last time that we might get to do radiation in Cape... NOT going to happen. The Dr. in Cape won't treat her (if you'd like to write him a protest letter his name is Joseph Miller ). Says he doesn't treat anyone under that age of 20 and doesn't treat childhood cancers. I don't guess he was man enough to "learn" something and work with one of the top radiology/oncolgists in the US (the one we used before in St. Louis). Dr. Maholsky (St. Louis doc) was more than willing to work with him to make our lives easier but..... Anyway on the flip side we do get to do our next round of irinotecan in Cape. Dr. Yuan and his nurse LuAnn will be taking care of us there (under the directions of our onc.) and I am so very thankful to God for them and their willingness to help. It will be such a blessing to get to be home in our own beds at night and not living out of a suitcase.

We have decided to go forward with the peripheral blood stem cell transplant/rescue. It's very much like a bone marrow transplant only not quite as hard on Sabrina. After lots of praying and lots of research we feel like this is the best plan available to us right now. (I'm still working on making peace with this decision so please pray for me and all of us). The first thing that will happen is Sabrina will undergo a very rigerous physical. She has to pass it to be a candidate. If not then the transplant is off and on to plan B. Secondly they have to be able to collect the stem cells from her that will be needed for the transplant. I suppose there is a possibility that they won't be able to get enough in which case it's to plan B again (I'll explain plan B some other time). I trust that if this is not suppose to happen that God will let us know and he will make sure she doesn't go through something like that if she's not meant to. But if all things go well then they will collect the stem cells (apheresis machine... takes about 4 hours)and then at whatever date it's set for we'll check into the hospital. She'll be given high dose chemo for one week straight and 24 hours after that's done they will reinfuse her stem cells. The chemo will wipe out her bone marrow so the stem cells will basically have to start from scratch and build it all new. We will be released when her ANC reaches 500 (that means she will have at least a little bit of an immune system). Probably we'll be there 3 - 4 weeks. I won't go into all the possible side effects (just in case Sabrina decides to read this.... she doesn't like to hear about side effects) and the what if's etc. I will just ask that you pray really hard for us right now. This hasn't been an easy decision and we are going to be depending on God and prayer to make it through! I'm feeling better about it each day though because I know if it isn't the right thing God won't let it happen.

We are looking forward to Christmas this year. All our shopping is done, tree up etc. Tonight Sabrina and I started our holiday baking and tomorrow we are sort of playing Santa (long story but we are looking forward to it). Sam will be home in a few days and I'm looking forward to having my family all together (that's what it's all about.... family, love and Jesus birth). Oh and btw... if you go to the Sam's club in Cape you will no longer see Samantha. If you want to see her now at work you'll have to become a girl scout. She is now something like an activity coordinator (or assistant to) for the Girl Scouts. Sounds like a fun job!

I'll close now. And if I don't update again before Christmas (which I will try to do) Merry Christmas to all and to all a Goodnite :-)
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"

Sunday, December 10, 2000 at 08:12 AM (CST)

Hi everyone. It's Sunday morning and all it quiet in the house so I thought this would be a good time for me to update. Since the last update Sabrina has continued to recover from the last round of chemo. This chemo isn't nearly as hard on her as the kind she had before and physically she seems to bounce back alot quicker. Emotionally she is up and down. She (and our entire family) is going through so much emotionally right now. Unless a person has been through it there's no way they can understand. This is by far the hardest thing we've ever done! I think the hardest part is the uncertainty of it all. I rely heavily on my faith in God during my weakest moments and just do my best to live day to day and hour to hour.

I think our treatment schedule will be changing this week. We are seriously considering a stem cell rescue (transplant) and thats changes things. There are steps that we have to take to get ready for that and the first is to see if stem cells can be collected from Sabrina (we won't know for sure until we try because her bone marrow never recovered from the first round of treatments). Our Dr. believes that the collection would begin in mid January and therefore Sabrina would need "maintance" chemo until that time so we would do at least one more round of irinotecan (the chemo we have been doing) before that time. The Dr. wants to start the next round the day after Christmas. We aren't real thrilled about the aspect of moving back to St. Louis the day after Christmas (Sabrina has let us know that she DOES NOT want this) so we are going to see if it can be done in Cape. We are trying to get as much done as possible in Cape just because it would be so much easier on her. We find out tomorrow if we can have radiation done in Cape and it's looking very favorable that we can (thank you Lord). I don't know all the specifics of the stem cell transplant but should have more details next week. I know that they collect stem cells and freeze them, then I think we check into the bone marrow unit where she would receive high dose chemo for 2-5 days. The theory behind this is to completely wipe out any bad cells that are floating around but in the process all the good cells are wiped out too and thus saving the stem cells (which btw are baby bone marrow cells) and then her stem cells would be given back to her and she would be in the hospital until they grew and started producing bone marrow. Now thats how I understand it but like I said we'll have more info next week.

Please keep us in your prayers and ask God to direct us in the decision making process.
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"

Wednesday, December 06, 2000 at 09:07 AM (CST)

Hi all. Thought it was time for a new update. Things have been pretty quiet around here (a good thing) and Sabrina is getting better every day. She has zero energy (a chemo side effect) but hasn't thrown up or heaved for 2 days now (Thank you LORD). I really believe the marinol is doing the trick and has been a gift from God. She's still pretty depressed and quiet most of the time but that too seems to be getting better. I know that she feels like she has been robbed (and she has!) and has lost control of her own life. I pray that God will direct me to things that will help put her back in control and make her feel better about herself and this whole terrible situation. It's not fair and there is nothing that can make it fair but it's a hand we've been dealt and we need daily strength and guidance to deal with it. Please keep us in your prayers.

We did get our tree up and the house decorated. Mom and I did that yesterday (and my back is killing me today). It did brighten things up around here and even though I'm still not in the most festive of moods it did help to lighten the mood in our house and I'm glad we got it done. Sabrina made a very good straw boss! Today we are going to moms to help put her tree up and decorate. It'll be good to get out of the house for a while. Till next time....
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"

Sunday, December 03, 2000 at 08:08 PM (CST)

Hi all. I've been trying to update for awhile and I guess there have been technical difficulties but I'm finally on. We are home. We got home Friday evening. It was a very grueling week to say the least. Sabrina is feeling pretty good today but extremely tired. She's been in bed all day! But she's not throwing up or heaving today (Thank you Lord) and she's been eating a little.

We met with the transplant doc before we left on Friday. I won't go into all the details but I'm pretty sure we're not going to do that. I can't see putting her through something like when there is no data saying that it will help. Her treatment is still somewhat up in the air so please pray for us that God will give us guidance in making our decisions and show us what is the absolute best thing for Sabrina. She is so tired of getting chemo. Even though she's only had 2 rounds this time (plus a very major surgery) she had so much the first time and it all came back to her as soon as they started this time. She hates it and she hates the hospital. So please pray for our family as we make our decisions. Right now we are scheduled to go back on the 28th of December for a 3 day round of a 2 chemo combo. That could change but that's what is set up for right now.

I'm glad she's going to have time to get back to feeling good for the holidays. I'm having alot of trouble gettin myself into the holiday spirit but I guess I'll get all my stuff out next week and get it put up. Maybe that'll get me more in the mood. Sabrina said she's ready to put the tree up (the way that works is I put the tree up and she sits back and tells me what I'm doing wrong). This will be our first year not having Sam at home. Oh, she'll be home for Christmas but now that she has an apartment and a job she'll only get to be here for a few days. I'm used to having her around for a few weeks! They grow up so fast! I have most of my shopping done and have my cards started (worked on that in St. Louis last week). We usually do outside lights and stuff but I doubt that Jim will be up to all that this year so we'll prob. just skip it.

Thanks for checking in! I'll be posting again in a few days.
Cathy
"Standing on the promises of God"

Thursday, November 30, 2000 at 03:16 PM (CST)

Day 4 of round two is over! We got out of the hospital last night after they did her chemo. They wanted to watch her to make sure her bp was going to stay stable and by the grace of God it did so we got out of there. She was actually feeling pretty good inspite of the chemo. But then she always feels better when we can get out of that place. I just wish I knew a way to help her not hate it so bad. I think what helped the most was Sam coming up. She perked up as soon as Sam walked in and they had a good time together last night. It was nice laying in bed listening to them talk, giggle, argue (over tv channels) and just be sisters. We went back in for round 4 today (which was actually round 3 because we missed Tues. because of the bp thing)and it was NOT a good day. She gets sick almost as soon as we hit the door and the clinic was very full today so we didn't get our usual private treatment room so she had to go to the teen lounge feeling all crappy. Then somebody brought in some very strong smelling food and she got violently ill (so much so that I got scared she'd be admitted again) but then a treatment room opened up and we got to move so that was a little better. They actually got us in and out pretty fast today but the time we were there was totally miserable. She's not depressed all the time like last time but today she got very upset and was crying alot and saying that she hated chemo. I hate what it does to her (and all the kids I see going through it!). It just breaks my heart that she is going through this again.

After this week we have some decisions to make. Her treatment may change some but it will be up to us which way it goes. I won't go into detail about it but will ask everyone to please pray for us the God gives us the wisdom to make the best decision for Sabrina.

Also please continue to pray for my cousin Billie. Her 4 year old is still in the hospital and today is the visitation for her 7 year old Zach. She has alot of hard days ahead of her. She has alot of faith and that will be her stronghold but she still has alot of things to deal with. Things that no mother should have to deal with. She's doing a really neat thing for Zach's funeral. She said he had been looking so forward to Christmas so they are putting up a Christmas tree and asking thatin leiu of flowers people bring a gift for a child. The gifts will then be donated to needy children at Christmas time. Isn't that just the neatest thing?

I will close now. Things are better here right now but please please keep us in your prayers. This just seems to get harder and harder!
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"

Tuesday, November 28, 2000 at 10:48 PM (CST)

Hi all. Wanted to post and let ya know whats going on. Did round 1 yesterday and all was well (added a new anti-naus. med that really works well). Then this morning we got to the clinic and Sabrina almost passed out. Her blood pressure was 101/43 (not good numbers). They watched her for 4 hours and it never really came up much, even with fluids and some other stuff so guess what.... we got admitted! No chemo today either. Now her bp is coming up and has been for the last couple of hours so I figure this is a one night thing (please pray that it is)and hopefully tomorrow we can get chemo again (can't believe I'm actually wishing for chemo) and go back to our nice, cozy rv home away from home.

The Dr. has no idea what caused the bp to go haywire like it did unless it was the new anti-naus. med. But... she really doesn't think that was it so they are running tests and said we might not ever know. Please say a special prayer when you read this that we get past this milestone and move on and the God cures my baby of the terrible monster once and for all.

I'll try to update again tomorrow and let everyone know how things are going.
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"

Sunday, November 26, 2000 at 11:10 PM (CST)

Hi all. Hope everyone had a good thanksgiving. We sure did... had more food than an army could eat and most important had our family together with everyone feeling good. I like it when I can have all 3 of my kids for any holiday! There hasn't been alot to update and I've been pretty busy so this is overdue. Sabrina is still doing good but tomorrow we start round two of chemo. I pray it doesn't make her as sick this time and even more I pray that her spirits stay up. I can handle her throwing up (I don't like it) but when she gets so depressed that about kills me. Please pray that that doesn't happen.

Also please remember my cousin Billie Eakens in your prayers. She and her family were in a very bad car accident Friday and and they lost their 7 year old son Zack. My heart is breaking for her and what she is going through. Their 4 year old son Shawn is still in the hospital but by the grace of God he's going to be ok. Please pray for strength for their family. And Billie if you read this I love you and I am with you in spirit and prayer and you know I wish I could be there!

We came up today to St. Louis. Since we were bringing the motorhome we decided to come a day ahead. I think this motorhome idea is going to work out real well (thank you so much Mom and Dad!). It's got all the comforts of home and it's private. Sabrina loved being able to lay in bed and watch a movie while we were traveling today! We have a restuarant right outside our front door too so I don't even have to cook if I don't want to. Although I might as well.... not alot else to do except take care of my sweetheart.

Thanks to all who check in on us via this webpage and who sign our guestbook (we really enjoy reading it!). It's so nice to know that we have so many prayers going up for us and that so many people care.
I'll be updating again soon.
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"

Sunday, November 19, 2000 at 09:34 PM (CST)

Hi everybody. Not alot to update (which is a good thing). We've had a good weekend and Sabrina continues to feel good. She got to play in the quiz bowl tourny (we weren't sure she wobruld since she's missed so much practice) and did a really good job. Her team took 3rd place. The rest of our weekend was full of moving Sam and helping her get her apt. all set up. Sabrina spent the night up there last night and I think they stayed up most of the night because she's pretty tired today (as am I!). I think she likes her sister having an apartment... she's planning on going back up there Wed. night for the night. Sam's apt. is so cute! It's just the right size for her and Jessica (her roommate). We are looking forward to a good family Thanksgiving and I am sooo Thankful that Sabrina is doing so well and is feeling good for this holiday. Sometimes it's hard to see but we do have alot to be thankful for. Her friends continue to be great and very supportive of her and that means so much! Thank you all for checking in and letting us know you care. I hope all of you have a good Thanksgiving!
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"

Thursday, November 16, 2000 at 10:40 AM (CST)

Decided it was time for a new update. This is a good one! Sabrina continues to feel better and is really getting her strength back. She has been to school 3 days this week!!!! She's almost caught up in every class (I am soooo proud of her) and is keeping her grades up. Did I tell you guys that she is 8th in her class? Quite a feat for someone who missed a whole year of school and isn't getting to go much this year. We got her counts done this morning (or I should say she did... she drives herself down there and does it all her self) and they are still up good enough that she can be around people and not worry about catching every little thing. They are lower today than Monday so I have to wonder... Are they still going down or are we about to turn around and they are on their way back up? Guess we'll know Monday when we get them done again. Her hair has started to come out some but nothing like last time. Please say a prayer that it only thins out. I know that is a small thing in the big picture but I know it would make her feel better to get to keep her hair. This weekend there is a quiz bowl tourny and she has every intention of participating (for those of you who don't know... quiz bowl is an academic team that has competitions that are sort of like playing jeapardy). Also this weekend we are moving Sam into her new apartment in Cape. Going to be a very busy weekend! Any of you local people who like to move just feel free to come on down. Sam is sooo excited about her new place and about getting out of the dorm. She hates dorm life. I'm excited for her too.

I didn't mean to make this quite so long but just wanted everyone to know how good Sabrina is doing. Yesterday after a full day of school she went out to eat and to a movie with friends. Isn't that WONDERFUL!

Please continue to keep us in your prayers. Pray hard that this chemo is working and wiping out any stray cells that are left in there.
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"

Monday, November 13, 2000 at 02:37 PM (CST)

Time for a new update. Sabrina is feeling SO much better now. She's over most all of the stomach problems and just feels pretty good. She's still not overloaded with energy but I think that is normal. We had her counts done today and they are up enough that she can still be around people and not have to worry about catching every little germ that is floating around. She will prob. even go to school this week some. She's been getting her homework done and thinks she's ready to go back. We had family pictures taken yesterday. Hopefully they will be in be Christmas for everyone to see. That's about it for today. Just wanted to let everyone know that our prayers have been answered and she's over being so sick. I am praying that the next round won't make her so sick since she has 3 whole weeks to recooperate.
Thanks so everyone who cares enough to keep up with her. It means alot to know what kind of support system we have. I'll update again in a few days.
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"

Friday, November 10, 2000 at 08:42 PM (CST)

Hi everyone. Wanted to let you know how things are going. Sabrina is feeling better. Not heaving anymore and hasn't thrown up in 2 whole days! She still feels very drained and has zero energy but hopefully that will soon get better too. At least to the point where she feels like getting out some. I know she has to be tired of being couped up here (although she hasn't complained about it). She's having a problem with some pretty bad stomach cramping now. Another side effect . We had her blood counts done today and all is well there. They are down a little but not to the the dangerous level by any means and it is still very safe for her to be around people as long as they aren't real sick. (Thank the Good LORD!). Her spirits are kind of like a rollercoaster, up and down. She's not as depressed as she has been though so maybe that is getting better too. Yesterday our Superintendent and Principal from school brought her lunch table group out here for lunch. That made her day. They all lauged and clowned around and had a really good time. So all you girls who came, come back again often! You make her feel good (Arvilla and Shelley too ;-) I'd like to thank Mrs. Early for thinking of that wonderful idea. I really enjoyed it myself. Hopefully next week she'll be able to go to school some and see her friends there. They seem to be the ones who can get the most smiles out of her right now. That's about it from our house for now.
Never stop Praying!!!!!
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"

Tuesday, November 07, 2000 at 07:51 AM (CST)

Hi everybody. It's been a few days since I updated so thought I'd better get it done. First of all I'd like to say thanks to everyone who visits this page so faithfully and for everyone who signs the guestbook. It does our hearts good to see so many people care!

Sabrina is doing a little better since we have come home but she's very weak (almost passed out on me 3 times now) and still feeling very nauseous. She has had the dry heaves now for about 3 days straight which is a very miserable thing to have (especially when you are still healing from a major surgery). She is eating pretty good though which I am very thankful for. Her depression is a little better (not crying all the time) and it helps so much when her friends call or come by. I can just see her mood change when one of them shows up or calls. Thanks to her friends for being there (especially Shauna) for her. Other than that there's not alot to report. Things are just moving very slowly. We don't go back to St. Louis for 3 weeks so I'm hoping that will give her time to really improve so that the next round doesn't bring her down so bad.

Keep praying!!
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"

Friday, November 03, 2000 at 08:59 PM (CST)

WE ARE HOME! (Thank you GOD). It has been an extremely long week for all of us but it's so nice to be home. Sabrina is feeling pretty pucky and yukky but she to is glad to be home (she all cuddled up in her own bed right now). To make her life just a little more miserable, on the way home we stopped at a quick shop to go to the bathroom and as she was walking in her shoe caught on the curb thing as she was stepping up and she fell on the concrete. Skinned both knees, and hit her face and shoulder. I was right behind her and couldn't do a thing but watch her fall. She's ok but she just didn't really need that. She's still really down right now but I'm hoping that being home will help that some. I just want her to be happy again.
Sam came home to be with us tonight. It's always good to have my other baby home too.
Please continue to keep us all in your prayers as this is going to be a long road.
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"

Wednesday, November 01, 2000 at 07:49 PM (CST)

We now have 3 days down and 2 to go on this round. Today was a little better. Sabrina is still depressed but not as bad since we stopped the one medicine. She has only thrown up once all week but feels like she could about all the time. She is still eating though (only one thing.... meatballs with mushroom gravy and mashed potatoes..) So guess what I've been cooking! We got done early today at the clinic and she has slept the biggest part of the evening. Which is a good thing. She's really homesick right now too. On a more positive note we got the ct scan results back today and there is no visible tumor (Praise the Lord). So there's no really good way to know if this new chemo is working unless a new tumor shows up. Please pray that this stuff is doing it and nothing shows up! Jim and I are fine. Emotionally and mentally drained but fine. Darleta is sooo wonderful to just let us make her home feel like our home too. She and I made a little shopping run tonight and that was fun. I am trying so hard to lean on my faith in God through this ordeal.... please pray for me in that area because it is a very hard thing to do sometimes.
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"

Tuesday, October 31, 2000 at 08:14 PM (CST)

HI all. Thought I'd update about what is happening here in St. Louis. I'll try not to be to depressing. Yesterday went well while at the clinic. And even afterward, she felt nausaus and yukky but not real bad but it got worse as the night went on. Later in the night she started to cry and didn't even know why. She just felt like she had to cry and said she hated the way this was making her feel. She did sleep good though and is able to eat. This morning she woke up again feeling like she had to cry and this has lasted off and on all day. We asked about it and it could be anumber of things (old memories of this nightmare being real and knowing how she's going to feel and there is a drug they give her for nausa that can cause severe mood swings and a feeling of depression. We told them we did not want that one any more. They tried to tell me what a good anti-nausa med it was but I'd rather her throw up than for her to feel like she has to cry all the time. I also pointed out to them that she has alot harder chemo the first time and we never had that drug so "no thank you". She has a spell of feeling pretty sick early tonight but that passed and she ate a very good supper. It helped alot that Sam came up tonight too to spend the night with her. That always make her feel better to have Sam or her friends around. btw... friends.... she could use a phone call or two. My mom has the number if you want it. This stuff has left her extremely weak. She can't even stand up for very long at a time without feeling faint. She said her body just feels sooo heavy. Just please pray that this stuff is working on the bad stuff because if so then all this suffering will be worth it. As a mom I'm having alot of trouble seeing her this way. I have no idea what I'd do if Jim weren't here with us. When she broke down this morning in the clinic I was totally useless! I just sat there and cryed with her. It hurts so bad to see her going through this hell. It's just not fair. Sorry I guess I wasn't too good at not making this depressing. Just keep us in your prayers every day.
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"

Sunday, October 29, 2000 at 08:23 AM (CST)

Quick update to let everyone know we are home and things are going ok. We got home about 8:30 Friday night (in time for the dance) but Sabrina was too tired to go. I hated that for her (had her costume all ready and everything) but I could sure understand it because Jim and I were totally exhausted too. The trip went well and we are loaded up now with information about the vaccine. I was very impressed with everyone we met out there. Very professional people that know their stuff! We did sign consent forms so we are in for the vaccine. If at any time we don't feel comfortable with it we can pull out with no hassles. The apheresis went well (that is the t-cell collection). They told us to load her up on calcium if we wanted it to go smoothly so for breakfast that morning she has calcium enriched waffles, orange juice and milk. They were right... no problems. It did leave her feeling very tired though. Jim kidded her and told her that she got her oil changed. Our stay at home is short. I will be packing today for next week in St. Louis. The chemo is outpatient but it'll take a big part of each day. We will be staying at Darleta's. If anyone wants the phone number there email me and I'll give it to you. Jim and I are both going for this first round. Sabrina says I tend to "freak out" and Jim stays calm so she wants us both there next week. She's had a very relaxed weekend so maybe she'll be all rested up for next week. Please pray that this chemo doesn't wipe her out and make her sick like last time. We are all very aprehensive about it. That's about all for now. I'll update more later in the week.
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"

Thursday, October 26, 2000 at 03:13 PM (CDT)

Hi everybody. We are in Maryland and things are going good. Had a long day at the clinic today for various tests and a powwow with the docs. Tomorrow morning we have to be there at 7 for the apherisis (sp?) which takes about 4 hours then a hour or two of observation. The worse part of that is that Sabrina has to be still for 4 hours (just not alot of walking around). But all in all I feel good about what is going on here. I like the docs that we have met and I like what we know so far about the vaccine (which seems to be quite alot) Sounds very promising! We did get our flight changed to 3 so now if this t-cell collection doesn't take to long tomorrow and if we can make all our connections we should be home in time for the dance. She's been pretty tired today but it's been a long 2 days so even if she doesn't feel like going to the dance we'll still be home early. And if the test takes longer than expected then oh well.... we tried (and everyone here has been great to work with us on this). We are staying at a place called the Childrens Inn (very nice) which is on the NIH campus. I have decided one thing for sure though.... I hate public transportation! Anyway, just wanted to update everyone and let them know we are still alive and well.
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"

Monday, October 23, 2000 at 05:07 PM (CDT)

Things are still going ok for us. Sabrina is gaining strength but is still pretty weak. She wanted to go to vb practice today but after taking a shower (major thing after surgery) she was just worn out. I'm hoping she feels like going to the district game tomorrow night. It would do her alot of good. She was feeling pretty "crappy" and down this afternoon and 2 of her friends showed up and now she is much better (Thank you Shawna and Pearl).

Everything is on track for our trip to Maryland. We are leaving Wed. morning and be back Fri. night. I tried very very hard today to get our flight back changed to an earlier flight because if we could get back in time she could go to the halloween dance at school (something she has been looking forward to) but I didn't have much luck. There is 3:00 flight out (we are on a 5:30) but coach section is full and operation liftoff (the organization that is providing the tickets) can't do first class tickets. They could do a standby for the 3:00 flight but if they do that they tell us that they can't hold the 5:30 so if we didn't get on the 3:00 then we'd be stuck in Maryland. Anyway it really ticks me off that she might miss one of the few functions she will feel like attending (and she has a date for it!). Just venting a little.....
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"

Friday, October 20, 2000 at 08:54 AM (CDT)

Not alot to update except to say that Sabrina is doing GREAT! She is recouping from surgery and is finally eating again. Samantha was home for a couple of nights and it felt good to just be a family again. Thanks to everybody for your prayers, emails, visits, flowers, cards, gifts and food (especially the prayers!) it means so much to us to know we have such a huge support system. Shawna if you read this thank you for being such a wonderful friend to Sabrina!

I'll update again soon.
Cathy

Thursday, October 19, 2000 at 08:02 AM (CDT)

Hi Everybody... It's me (Cathy) and WE ARE HOME! Looks like Darleta has been doing a wonderful job on our updates (thank you Darleta). We were released at 4p.m. yesterday. Sabrina was sooo ready to get out of there (she hates the hospital) and so were Jim and I. Be it ever so humble there's no place like home.

We did get the pathology reports Tuesday and like we figured there were no surprises. The tumor was the same kind as before and the margins weren't 100% clean. They had already warned us that they prob. wouldn't be. So thats where the chemo comes in. It's job will be to clean up after the surgeon. The good news is that the bone marrow is clean! The Dr. is a little concerned about how much chemo Sabrina can take because she had so much the first time around so please pray for us that her body will tolerate it. The type they are planning on is called irinotecan and isn't suppose to be as invasive to the good stuff in your body so I feel fairly confident that she will tolerate it. We will have to do radiation again but they this time that won't be as bad either because it's up higher and won't involve the big bones or as many organs. I'm trying to talk the Dr. into letting us do that at Cape so that we can at least be in our own home at night (but if not being at Darleta's is almost as good as being at home). We do have a "sort of" plan right now. On the 25th we are flying to Maryland to go to the NCI for a T-cell harvest. Sounds alot worse than it is. They will hook her up to a machine that resembles a kidney machine and start 2 i.v.'s. One will draw the blood out and after the machine gets all the T-cells that it wants the other will put the blood back in. This will actually happen on the 27th. The 26th will be a day of meetings and tests. Then we will come home for the weekend and go back on Monday (the 30th) to start the irinotecan. We will do 5 days of that as an outpatient then I think it is home for 2 weeks and back for another round. At this point I'm not sure how many rounds we will do. Then I suppose radiation will be next. When all the treatment has been done that our Dr. deems necessary or tolerable we will wait about 6 to 8 weeks then it's back to Maryland for 6 more trips. During each visit Sabrina will receive a tumor vaccine. She'll also get her t-cells back during the first visit. The trips will be about 2 weeks apart and will only be 1 or 2 days each. That's way down the road right now and we are just trying to take one day at a time. Right now we are working on healing up from surgery.

She is doing really good for all she has been through. She not been eating much but hopefully now that she is home she will be able to eat. She's very weak right now.

God has carried us through so much and I am standing on his promises that he will bring her through this too. I have to admit though this is the absolute hardest thing I have ever done in my life and sometimes it is so hard to be strong and find enough faith to get through the day. So please say a prayer first for the healing of my daughter and second for strength for our whole family.

I will close for now. Thank everyone for all your kind words and prayers and also for all the cards and flowers. It means so much to know we have so many people pulling for us!
Cathy
"Standing on the Promises of God"

Wednesday, October 18, 2000 at 08:30 AM (CDT)

Quick update:

They removed Sabrina's chest tube this morning and the lung looks like it's functioning properly.

She may even be able to go home this afternoon or tomorrow morning!

Praise the Lord!

Sabrina Bolton
c/o St. Louis Children's Hospital
Room 8E62
One Children's Place
St. Louis, MO 63110

"Standing on the Promises of God."

Monday, October 16, 2000 at 02:33 PM (CDT)

Just a quick update:

Sabrina's right lung collapsed this morning. The doctor inserted a chest tube to drain the chest cavity of air.

Evidently, they nicked her lung with a needle when putting the line in her chest and it's been leaking air ever since. They should be able to remove the chest tube tomorrow. The doctor says this is a minor set back and the lung should heal itself, but that means at least two more days in the hospital.

She is breathing much easier now though and her oxygen levels are up where they're suppose to be.

Sabrina Bolton
c/o St. Louis Children's Hospital
Room 8E62
One Children's Place
St. Louis, MO 63110

"Standing on the Promises of God."

Sunday, October 15, 2000 at 02:43 PM (CDT)

It's been four days since Sabrina's surgery and she's slowly gaining strength. She's been up and walking four times and she's starting to smile more now. She has an 8 inch incision though, so she's still very sore and feels like she's been hit by a truck.

We don't have the pathology report yet, but we're expecting it tomorrow. We doubt there will be any surprises there though. Her oncologist did stop in this afternoon, but just to say "Hi" and see how she was doing. They'll be meeting with her tomorrow to start discussing a game plan.

The tentative plan is to go to Maryland the week of the 23rd (probably the 27th) for two days then back to start chemo. Cathy will post more about that as soon as they know more.

We're still not sure when she'll get to go home. We're hoping for Monday, but it may be Tuesday or Wednesday.

She's had several visitors today and has received lots of cards, flowers, and balloons, which she really enjoys. She has all the cards taped up on the walls beside the pictures of her volleyball tournament victory & medal. They really seem to help cheer her up. Thank you all for your continued prayers and support.

Sabrina Bolton
c/o St. Louis Children's Hospital
Room 8E62
One Children's Place
St. Louis, MO 63110

"Standing on the Promises of God."

Thursday, October 12, 2000 at 08:04 PM (CDT)

Sabrina made it through surgery ok. She's in a lot of pain, but being young and healthy are on her side. They removed her right kidney and the tissue around it. The surgeon couldn't say whether he got it all or not, but said he knows he got everything that was visible and then some.

It was a malignant tumor and pathology is determining whether or not it was rhabdo. The odds are that it was, but we'll know for sure Friday or Monday.

The doctor removed the tubes from her nose ealier today, so she's breathing quite a bit easier and is able to talk some now. They had her sitting up in a chair late this afternoon and are planning on removing the epidural tomorrow and getting her up and walking around a little bit which she doesn't seem to happy about, but she's a tough kid.

I don't understand any of this. Maybe God still has our miracle planned for us, but right now that's so hard to see. I just don't understand why she has to go through all this.

I'm including the Sabrina's room number and hospital address below:

Sabrina Bolton, rm 8E62
c/o St. Louis Children's Hospital
One Children's Place
St. Louis, MO 63110

"Standing on the promises of God"

Thursday, October 12, 2000 at 07:32 PM (CDT)

Sabrina made it through surgery ok. She's in a lot of pain, but being young and healthy are on her side. They removed her right kidney and the tissue around it. The surgeon couldn't say whether he got it all or not, but said he knows he got everything that was visible and then some.

It was a malignant tumor and pathology is determining whether or not it was rhabdo. The odds are that it was, but we'll know for sure Friday or Monday.

The doctor removed the tubes from her nose ealier today, so she's breathing quite a bit easier and is able to talk some now. They had her sitting up in a chair late this afternoon and are planning on removing the epidural tomorrow and getting her up and walking around a little bit which she doesn't seem to happy about, but she's a tough kid.

I don't understand any of this. Maybe God still has our miracle planned for us, but right now that's so hard to see. I just don't understand why she has to go through all this.

"Standing on the promises of God"

Monday, October 09, 2000 at 11:04 PM (CDT)

This will probably be my last entry before surgery. We are all packed and ready to go. It makes things harder that our hospital is so far away (but I'd go to India if thats where I had to go for my baby!) They may have to give us a private room because of all our "stuff" (yea right). Sabrina is still doing great. She played her last high school volleyball game tonight and got the winning kill of the game. I know it was a bittersweet night for her (and us) but at least the season is about over so she's not going to miss that much. I suppose we will go back to home schooling until she recoups enough from this surgery to go back to classes. It's hard not knowing what lies ahead but that's where faith comes in that God will take care of us and lead us through each day "One day at a time". Most of the time I feel like things are going to be ok and I try really hard to hold onto those feelings.

So many people are praying for us and that is just so great! I don't know what we would do without the prayers and support that we have already received.

We will be at St. Louis Childrens Hospital and after we get a room I'll have a friend of mine post the room number in case anyone would like to have it.

Pray really really hard tomorrow and Wednesday (especially Wed.)that God gives us our healing miracle.
"Standing on the Promises of God"

Sunday, October 08, 2000 at 08:25 AM (CDT)

Very quick update before I get ready for church. WE WON THE TOURNAMENT!! and.....SHE MADE THE ALL COUNTY TEAM!!!! (course this info is for those of you who weren't actually there). I don't understand why, but this was extremely important to her (ok, maybe I do understand why). The look on her face was priceless when they called her name for the honorary all county team. We are taking that metal to the hospital with us and hanging it on the wall. After I get my pics developed I'll try to post one on here for all to see.

That's it for today. Never ever stop praying for us!!
"Standing on the Promises of God"

Saturday, October 07, 2000 at 08:22 AM (CDT)

Just a quick update to let everyone know what's going on. First in the tournament that is so important to her we are playing for the championship tonight! She wants this so bad and she wants very badly to be named to the all county team. I see no reason why that won't happen. Today I am going with her and some of her friends shopping (yep, they are 17 & 18 and they still let me tag along). I think it will be fun day. Sabrina says she's going to buy some "things to do" for in the hospital because she remembers how boring it is there. It breaks my heart that she has to be thinking about that right now.

Now, medical update..... Her surgery is scheduled for Wednesday (we don't have time yet). We have to go up Tuesday and meet with the surgeon because he said he would not want to do a surgery like this without first meeting all of us. My prayer yesterday and today and tomorrow is Lord let this surgeon be a man of God and let him know a miracle when he sees one. I have so much faith that she will be healed of this. I'm just waiting for God to show us how he will do it so that I can give him ALL the glory!! Sabrina continues to feel good with just a small pain in her hip. She is so amazing!

I think there will be lots of family at the hospital the day of the surgery but if any of you are up that way afterward stop by and see us. It is first our faith in God and second the love and support of our family and friends that keeps us going right now. We will be at St. Louis Childrens Hospital which is right beside Barnes.

Keep us in your daily prayers. We are "Standing on the Promises of God"

Friday, October 02, 2000

Well we are home from our day of testing now and I can't describe how I am feeling. The Dr. called us on the way home to give us the results. The good news is that it IS contained in the one area (thank GOD) and the other news is that it does look like tumor on the p.e.t. scan. I can't help but still pray for my miracle. I know that God is so big and this would be such a small thing for him to do to change this "thing" from something to nothing. Tomorrow our Dr. will be talking to the surgeon to get surgery scheduled. She believes it will be Monday or Tuesday. Guess we'll find out tomorrow. The Dr. seemed very very happy to have not found anything anywhere else and for that I am very thankful. I had hoped for the miracle today but guess I'll just have to wait. I still feel like someone has ripped my insides out. I am finding daily life so hard to cope with. Sabrina continues to do great! She had a really good weekend spending the nights with friends (other than getting stopped by one of Bernie's finest and being made to take a breathilizer!....can you believe that crap!) and just being a kid. We had a very special prayer at church Sunday for her (very emotional) and I have to believe that God is going to fix this. I know he can. Her pain seems to be getting a little worse but she hasn't said much. I just hope she can hold up for these games that seem so important to her.

Please don't ever stop praying for us. I know you only have to ask God for something one time to get it but it can't hurt for him to hear it several times.

Thursday Sept. 28, 2000

This could be very long so please bear with me. I'm going to do my best to explain what's going on as I see it. There is a mass that they believe to be about 3 inches in diameter that is attached to or nuzzled against Sabrina's right kidney. This was discovered on a routine scan on Monday. They believe it to be inside the sac that protects the kidney (some protector). At this point "they" (the Dr.'s) believe that it is only in one place, which in a nightmare situation is a good thing. They are assuming that it is rhabdomyosarcoma (aka rhabdo) which is the type caner that was present the first time. My prayer is that it is a benign tumor or a big cyst, PLEASE MAKE THIS YOUR PRAYER ALSO. We serve a very Big God who can make anything happen. Rhabdo is notorious for returning so that is why they are making this assumption and why we have to put our "cart before our horse" and try to have a plan in place in the event that it is cancer. At this point there is no one proven method for successfully treating recurrent rhabdo. It can be successfully treated but each case is different. I personally know one family who has gone through a reoccurrence and their daughter is 2 years and 4 months off treatment the second time. (ringing your bell Wendy!) IF this is rhabdo and if we qualify (and at this point they are believing that we might) they are looking at putting her on a phase II study called Tumor Specific Peptide Vaccination and Interleukin-2. Very detailed process and I can provide a link for anyone who wants to read about it (just email me). If you are like me the info online won't explain alot but we are learning alot about it right now so as to make the right decision (pray for us). I just spoke with the Dr. in Maryland who is chairing this study and she seems excited about it but reminded me to take into consideration that this type of therapy is in its infancy. If I understood her correctly Sabrina would be the 4th recipient of this therapy in phase II for recurrent rhabdo. The long and short of this option would be surgery, a trip to Maryland for the harvesting of T-cells, back to St. Louis for a couple of rounds of a new chemo called irinotecan (which is showing some promise with recurrent sarcomas), then 6 more trips to Maryland for vaccine injections and her T-cells back. There are a couple of other options that we can take so we have alot of studying and praying to do. Please, please pray for us that God will deliver us from this nightmare by letting this be "nothing" or that he will give us direction and lead us in the direction that finds a cure for Sabrina.

The surgery will most likely be Monday, Oct. 9th because Sabrina wants very badly to play in the County tournament. She knows that no matter what the outcome of the surgery she won't be able to play the rest of the year and that she has a chance of making the all County team. That is important to her. It was her call as to whether to put it off or not and the Dr. assured us that one week would make no difference.

Please keep us in your prayers. Sabrina loved getting cards the first time so mabe a few cards wouldn't hurt anything now. Email me if you need our address.

History

On August 22 1998 our world, as we knew it, fell completely apart. Sabrina had a lump in her groin area where a lymph node is. Before this we had been to our family Dr. and he had given her 2 rounds of antiobiotics for what he believed to be an infection in the lymph node. After antibiotics didn't take care of it (it had doubled in size) we were sent to a surgeon where she was first diagnosed with a hernia. Being very athletic this wasn't unheard of so surgery was scheduled to fix it. A few days later (Aug. 22) she was in severe pain in her bottom and we rushed her to the ER where another surgeon said he did believe it was a lymph node and he did a rectal exam and felt "something" so he ordered a ct. This revealed a large mass on the left side of the rectum which he believed to be a peri-rectal abcess and he said he needed to operate right then to drain it and releive the pressure. Said it would take about 30 minutes. An hour and a half later he came out looking very grim and told us that he had found what he believed to be a malignant tumor and that he had only biopsied. We were then sent home for 3 days while they figured out what this thing was and then we were sent to St. Louis Childrens hospital to start 11 months of the closest thing to hell a child can go through. I have a very strong faith in God and I know that is what sustained all of us during that time. I won't go into detail right now about all the treatments and things that she went through but it was a nightmare. On June 24th, 1999 she received her last round of chemo . We were so happy. There were side effects to deal with and other things we had to tend to but we made it through. On July 22 she got her central line out and on the 24th we had a line burning party to mark the "end" of the nightmare. Since that time we have been blessed with the sweetness of normal life. She has gotten back into "life" as a teen. She made it back to playing volleyball (a sport that she loves) and she's very very smart and makes very good grades in school (never fell behind during treatment). I am soooo very proud of her and the major obstacles she has overcome. I will now tell you why I am creating this page via 2 updates that I had already written. Please see the next update.

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----End of History----