History

Journal History

Thursday, June 7, 2007 7:02 AM CDT

It's a beautiful day gorgeous!!! Beautiful because the sun is shining here in Mississippi and because I am going home tomorrow. Ashley, Gatlin and Sabre don't know it yet, but I am on my way first thing in the morning. The plan is to have Daddy and Uncle Shawn and Aunt Audrey bring all six kids to Adventure Land and when they get there and go to check in, they will get to the room and see me. Then we will go to the amusement park. I really wish you could be there. All the kids... Ashley, Gatlin, Corrine, Colton, You, Josh and Sabre. I also wish Dominic could be there. That would make my day, week, month!!!

I think about you and talk about you a lot. I don't know if I will EVER go a day where I don't. You have impacted my life so much in such a short time. I feel at times like if we had more time with you, you would have changed the entire world.

Uncle Nate is going to stay here in Mississippi for a while I think. If he does, I want you to watch over him and make sure he is safe. He's learning fast and doing an awesome job. Also, watch over Daddy at his jobsite in St. Ansgar, IA and me at mine in Marcus, IA. We all need you to help keep us safe.

I don't have any of the pictures of you that I had before because I had them all on disks and the disks are no longer any good. I am so hurt by that. It breaks my heart. All I have left are memories. I do have a few hard copy photos, but not many.

I love and miss you so much. I can't wait to get home and lay down at your resting place so I can talk to you. I did get a few poloroids from Ashley. She has grown up so much in the past couple months. Gatlin got so broad and Sabre shot up. Give them angel kisses for me until I get there.

I love and miss you baby boy. Forever loved, always missed, never forgotten. Rest easy little man! MADLY!

Blessed be!

Sunday, May 13, 2007 6:37 PM CDT

Happy Mother's Day to all!

Happy Birthday Chayton. Yesterday was your 7th birthday. Seems crazy but it seems like last week you were in my arms, then again, seems like it was in a past life. Daddy and I miss you so much.

We managed to work through most of our issues, but we still have tough times. We moved to Iowa. The kids are loving it there because they can go to your resting place whenever they want to. Your big sister has a lot of friends and is a beautiful little girl. She is growing up so fast. We were laughing the other day about the time she thought she could fly.

Your big brother has a really tough time sometimes because he still misses you so much. You two had such a connection. Much like the one Ashley has with Sabre. Crazy how that works. He puts a lot of energy into fixing things. Your granddaddy just gave him a Harley to work on. He's pretty excited about that.

And little Sabre. She is growing so fast. She is smart as a whip and we can't seem to slow her down. Surprisingly, she cries a lot saying how much she misses you and wants to hold you again. She says she doesn't understand why she can't go to Heaven, find you and hold you. She cries herself to sleep on many occassions saying how terribly she misses you. Daddy and I try to tell her that she never got to meet you but she swears she did. She says you were close with her. She keeps Daddy and I in awe much of the time.

I am working in Mississippi right now. Hopefully I will get to go home in the next couple weeks. I went to the cemetery here yesterday and took a flower out there for your birthday. I went to place it on a random grave and when I did, I talked to you first, then read the little stand up plaque, and strange as it seems, it was a five day old baby's resting place. His name was Tristen Cole Long. He was born Jan. 7th, 2007 and passed on Jan. 11th, 2007. I wondered what life must be like for his mommy and daddy because I knew how life was for me and your daddy. TOUGH!

Daddy took Ashley, Gatlin and Sabre to your resting place yesterday and then they had ice cream and all to celebrate your birthday. I thought that was so nice of daddy. He's a good man, Chayton. I wish you could have stayed longer so our family could continue to grow and we wouldn't have to wonder what it would be like to still have you here.

Love and miss you for always, baby boy. XOXO, rest easy little man! Love, Mommy

All others - Blessed Be!

Wednesday, June 7, 2006 4:00 PM CDT

I am sorry for not coming and writing sooner. Chayton's birthday this year was a difficult one. We managed to keep it together, though. He would be six and one of Sabre's friends is the same age. That's tough.

We went to a play last month that the kids were in and the kindergarten class also performed. I found myself crying because I knew that Chayton would have been up there. I find myself doing that a lot.

As far as the family; we have found ourselves facing many struggles. Darrell and I are separated right now, but still spend most of our free time together. We are trying to work out our differences and work through everything so we can put most of our issues behind us and look forward to a better, brighter future together. (Starting over ... with the family.)

Ashley and Gatlin have been moved on to 5th grade! Can you BELIEVE it?!? Wow! They are growing so fast.

We found a house in Iowa and are thinking about buying it. The entire family is really excited. The only thing that I worry about right now is that I like my job and it pays really well. I guess I don't care for all the hours, but it's not like we don't need the money.

I will update when I can. I apologize for waiting so long. It just gets hard to come here sometimes. I worry that Chayton's time has come and gone and that he is forgotten and that's tough.

Speaking of that feeling, if you remember Bradley, our little buddy in West Virginia... the 1 year anniversary of his passing is this Friday. Please sign into his guestbook and let them know you are thinking of them. Thanks~ Dawn

Monday, February 6, 2006 8:36 AM CST

Hey all... This is Dawn. I am sorry for not letting you all know sooner what we have been up to. I have a couple jobs now and have been working quite a bit. Gatlin is now in wrestling and Ashley and Sabre are in gymnastics. The kids are doing great and seem to be really enjoying themselves. Darrell has injuries that are really painful and we are hoping that he will be able to have surgery to make the necessary corrections soon, but whether or not he will comply, again, is another story.

We still think about Chayton everyday and miss him dearly. There will probably never be a day that goes by that we don't talk to him or think of him.

Please keep us in your prayers. Our family is also going through another difficult time now and we really need your blessings and prayers. Thanks again ~ Dawn, Darrell, Ashley, Gatlin and Sabre.

P.S. Sabre went to Grandpa's Pre-school last month in Iowa for a week and came back spelling her name along with many other things. For just turning 3, she is doing VERY well!

Wednesday, November 23, 2005 10:30 AM CST

hello all this is Sherri Dawns friend she has asked me to update to let you know they are still alive and doing ok she is in Iowa visiting her parents Sabre is having her 3rd birthday on November 27th she is talking up a storm. She talks about Chayton all the time and swears she used to hold him. Even though he passed before she was born.

I am so glad she called i haven't got to talk to her in forever i miss our long night cap phone calls. Bradley used to want to call her almost everynight just to say goodnight so im sure chayton and bradley are aboe watching over us all.

thanks for checking up on them sherri

Tuesday, August 23, 2005 3:10 PM CDT

Hello, all. I am sorry for taking so long. I went through a short bout with being a little on the down side again and then my computer had no memory left so I let the DSL go. We are still here and still doing okay. I started the kids on homeschooling again, yesterday. I started Sabre in pre-school. For only being 2 she is extremely smart and catching on to everything so quick. She is completely potty trained (night-time, too), she can sing several songs in their entirety, including "You Are My Sunshine" and she continues to amaze us everyday.

She is starting to talk about Chayton. I think the kids taught her a lot about him because she knows a lot and I have never discussed much of it w/ her.

We are saddened by the recent losses of the children. Sherri Campbell, aka Bradley's mom, and my neighbor, Robin keep me informed on the happenings and I must say I am really at a loss most of the time.

Thanks to Lara for the cards... the kids LOVED them. Also, Claudia Allen... I would love to hear from you. I don't know if you saw the stone or not, but your wonderful work in words is forever etched in stone, literally!!! Thanks so much.

I will come back again when I get the chance. Many irons in the fire right now, but all is flowing rather smoothly.

Chayton ~ MADLY!!!

Dawn, Darrell, Ashley, Gatlin and Sabre Anderson
605 N. Main St.
Winthrop, MN 55396

P.S. Thanks for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers. It was really nice to come here and see the support. Especially today. (Yesterday would have made me scream crying I think... It would have been Chayton's first day of Kindergarten. I imagined it and I am glad I did, but sometimes I wish I wouldn't do that.) Anyway, thanks again.

Friday, June 17, 2005 12:18 AM CDT

Some how time just slipped away. One day I was sitting in the kitchen of my in-laws home and the next I was on the deck talking to Sherri, Bradley's mom, listening to Bradley talk in the background. About an hour later, I was home and the phone rang. It was Sherri. I could tell something wasn't right. She asked if I was sitting down. I knew. "He's gone! Ten minutes ago he left us!" I don't remember much else of the conversation, but I know I was devastated and I couldn't imagine her pain. He was talking just before he passed. Sherri said his last words were that he wanted a drink. He hadn't been drinking much prior to that.

Bradley taught me so many things about this life, just as every child can do and many have done. I learned that I can live through an airplane flight because of B-boy; I learned that no matter how much pain you think you have already endured, there can still be more; I learned that it is possible to love another family as if it is your own; I learned that some of our biggest heroes come in some of the smallest packages... I could go on, but I think I have made my point. Bradley Remington Campbell has changed my life for the better. I will surely miss and love him.

Please visit his page by clicking on his name above and sign the guestbook. One of the hardest things about losing a child is the fact that once it's done, you feel, as a parent, that everyone has forgotten your child and you feel alone and somewhat abandoned. I still feel that way at times... this is a time for Sherri and Robbie to receive many prayers, thoughts and words of encouragement and acknowledgement for their dear little Bradley.

Also, my little cousin David Lee Munson was recently killed in an automobile accident. His family is as devastated as one would expect. He is my mother's brother's son. Again, if you click on his name, you can read his obituary and sign his guestbook if it is still available. Please visit and see how gorgeous he was and learn more about his young life.

Lastly, thank you for the continued prayers on our Chayton and the other Rhabdoid Kids and Rhabdoid Angels because we all need it. Cole Walker, under "Kids" needs our urgent prayers as he has just had a recurrance. Thanks again.

Chayton, did you see what I did???? I will post a photo when I get one taken after the healing. It's all for you baby boy. I hope you and all the other little people are having fun up there. Maybe Bradley can teach you how to plow with a real John Deere tractor there and you can listen to David's music. We love and miss you for always ~ MADLY ~ Rest Easy Little Man!!! Mommy, Daddy, Ashley, Gatlin and Sabre

Monday, May 30, 2005 9:59 AM CDT

Yesterday was one of the hardest days of my life, again! Yes, it happens! I haven't looked at any of the video footage that we got of Chayton in the past three years. I have watched the one we had made with the music in the background and finally his laugh when we were trying to get him to say bye bye...

I sat down and started to watch some of the footage because I was telling a neighbor how I still remember his voice and Sabre STILL has the same voice... and laugh. Even the low tone belly laugh he had... she's got it!

I was stunned to see so many differences. How young Gatlin and Ashley looked and were to have to endure such a painful thing in their lives; how young Darrell and I were (before the grey and wrinkles, etc.); how Chayton looked. Honestly, what kind of parent must I be, but I can barely remember him looking like that. I remember watching a video of Bradley "B-boy" and Sherri and Robbie saying that they barely remember him looking that tiny. It's hard. You watch this happen, but you don't see what is really going on because you are so wrapped up in it all. I miss Chayton so much and I love him so much more.

I would give anything to go back to the hospital and do it all over again because that would mean one more day or month with our precious baby. I have to chuckle also because I remember thinking that we let him get away with everything... but we really didn't. He was just so good. He was playful, fun, giggly, smart and gorgeous. It's like it was a dream to have him with us. I know it must sound crazy, but how many people actually do feel that way?!? I wonder. Sometimes the best way to "fix" the pain is to throw yourself back in because it lets you grip a little tighter. By that I mean to relive and rehash what we have gone through. I listened diligently yesterday to what the doctor had to say when we were in Texas with him. They told us then that it was a straight up 50/50 chance and that if we had to stop treatment along the way, his chances deminished by 20f that every time.

The best part of watching the videos... I didn't see any of the fighting and arguing that nearly destroyed our marriage. Darrell and I were constantly bickering. It was because we both wanted the same things for Chayton, but we were going at them in different directions. Most people's relationships fail after something so traumatizing, but no matter what happens in our lives, Darrell is the only person who will ever understand the depth and magnitude of grief from the loss of our precious Chayton. Nobody else can feel what we felt... even if they have experienced it, it was a different child. It may be parallel, just not the same.

The children and families that are affected by this seem so strong, and they are... as a parent, you are your child's advocate, so you have no other choice. The Rhabdoid Kids Page is proof of strength right there. These kids are all so precious.

Also, Tom Bowen convinced me to handle our hospice situation, letting me know that we have three years behind us so now would be a good time. I am glad I did. I will include it in my next update as I have to run and grab pictures of Ashley as she marches by with the rest of the girl scouts in the Memorial Day Parade.

Gatlin, lucky dog, gets to go to work w/ his daddy today. He loves it and Darrell said he is getting better at it.

Sabre is just hangin w/ mommy today.

Thanks a bunch for checking on us. Bless the little children.

Chayton~ We love and miss you. We are working pretty hard on your foundation. We are gonna keep it real. So far we have helped three families and are going to continue on. YEAH!!! We have pretty high goals and we are gonna meet each one and go beyond... all in your name, little man! Hugs n love ~ MADLY ~ Mommy, Daddy, Ashley, Gatlin and Sabre

Thursday, May 26, 2005 11:42 AM CDT

I had the pleasure of meeting Bradley Campbell and his family this past week and it was definitely a pleasure to say the least!!! Meeting Bradley broke my heart, but at the same time, lifted my spirits because he is such a sweety!!! His mommy and daddy are pretty awesome and that explains why Bradley, Marissa and Dustin are so great!

I flew for the first time ever and I was scared to death, but I did it and I managed to stay sane and ALIVE!!! lol, I was VERY scared. I don't know if I could have gotten on that first plane if Darrell hadn't been with me. He calmed me down quite a bit, all the while asking me to loosen my grip on his hand. He had me looking out the window taking pictures while we were in the air. Scared me right out, but I did it and it was pretty neat. Still scarey, but I did it. Sherri told me that I would calm down after the first time and she was right. I was much calmer coming home than I was going.

About my appointment. I have to be put on a 30 day event monitor for my heart just to see if everything is still okay. Many people don't know this, but when Chayton was 6 weeks old, I had heart surgery to correct a problem. We went to the appointment and they comforted me by letting me know it wasn't the same issue as before. Thank God! But we do have to try to determine what was going on. They are also going to help me try to quit smoking. The cardiologist said I should give it a few months and then try, but the sooner the better. I have tried the "will power" way, but it didn't help me much. Now that that is out of the way, I feel better.

Also, it was nice to meet Tom and Jennifer Bowen! I am really excited for them. They are going to have another baby! Big Ben made it to Heaven and sent a gift right back down to them. That's awesome! I am sure Eli will be telling the new baby all about Ben and making sure he or she knows every cool thing there is to know!

I can't wait to have the Campbell family as guests here! I think it'll be a nice relaxing time, but then again, I have so many things I want to show them and I would like them to meet Dave while they are in Minnesota! Maybe when their plane lands we can all go out to eat somewhere... with Lisa, Tony, Anna and Michael, too! Listen to me, getting way ahead of myself.

I cried like a baby when I left their house. I know that the next time I see Bradley, he won't be smiling at me, talking to me, letting me kiss his whole face or talking to Darrell (by his nickname from Bradley). I know that I will be crying, sad and brokenhearted, but I have to remember that Sherri and Robbie, along with Dustin and Marissa don't need that, they need me to be strong. I just hope I can do it. I fell in love with Bradley!

Chayton, Baby~

I love you and I am so sorry that you had to leave us, but I am beginning to see all the wonderful things your life had in store for Daddy and I. Without you, we would have never met some of the coolest, nicest people out there in this world. All the people on the Rhabdoid Kids Page have touched me in one way or another because of you. If I could bring you back to me, I would do it in a heartbeat. People say time heals, I don't know if I believe that... it still hurts terribly. The thought of your loss killed me then, it massacres my heart now. I love and miss you small boy, little man! For Always, MADLY! Rest easy, Mowgli ~ Mommy, Daddy and the kids!

Wednesday, May 18, 2005 1:12 PM CDT

WOW!!! The benefit went pretty well for Noah Gallegos and Bradley Campbell. I was so proud of our helpers! Everyone worked really hard. Unfortunately, we didn't have a large turn out, but financially, we did pretty good. Emily Cook's family also came to show support! That was great to have them there. The families will receive two installments of the funds because the matching funds take some time to come back. Both Sherri and Jen expressed their heartfelt "Thanks" to everyone who helped and to everyone who donated!

On another note, our family is doing fine. We still have our days with everything. We are still grieving; even after three years it's tough to deal with the loss of a child that left long before his time, but Chayton's Mission, our foundation, is starting to get off the ground. We are really excited to start helping people. Someone asked me today about starting the foundation, whether it made grieving harder or it allowed me to grieve. It is true, it is harder to grieve, but a little less depressing when you consider that you are helping other families. It gives the loss more purpose, if that makes sense.

I am about to fly for the first time in my life! Very wonderful people donated money and a ticket for Darrell and I to get to go meet Bradley and his family so we fly out this Friday morning. Please go to his site and sign the guestbook. His mommy, Sherri, just received VERY heartbreaking news earlier in the week. Bradley has started the dying process and she is devastated. Please offer your words of encouragement.

Also, there are other children on the Rhabdoid Kids Page that need our prayers. Libby, Morgan; actually, I could go on and on, so take your time and check on the other kids. Also, the angels families could use support.

Chayton,
We continue to love you every day and miss you so much! You taught us so much about life but it just took us time to see everything. I still don't think we are through with "Chayton University" yet!

Gatlin was in the ER with stomach cramping Monday night and he started crying for Bradley and then asked if he had cancer and was going to die. That was so difficult for me. I can't tell him "no" when I don't even know because I remember me telling him and Ashley that you wouldn't die, and them being so upset with me because you did. I can't handle the thought of losing another child, but I also can't predict things. All I can do is say, "I hope not, but if you ever do, I will be right beside you every step of the way." I think that comforted him a bit, but I didn't know what else I could say.

Ashley and Gatlin are doing very well now with school. They slacked a bit there for a while. I was getting worried. They have picked right back up, though and seem to be doing pretty well. Sabre is talking like crazy and is very articulate. She knows just what to say, when and how to say it.

We celebrated your birthday privately this year. By the way, I am sorry for not coming here sooner, but ...
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday dear Chayton
Happy Birthday to you.

You would have turned five years old this year! I think about that with you going to school and everything this year, but I would probably be homeskewlin' you, too. lol. I don't know if I could handle it, though... All four of you. Sabre is only two, but she is learning so much so fast. She is learning to write, her colors, letters, numbers, shapes... she even draws happy faces now.

It's funny, she knows who you are. She says, "That's my Chayton". I think it's because the kids always said you are their brother and she knows that means you are her's too.

Anyway, I have an appointment today with a doctor. Say a little prayer for me, Chayton, because I really need it today. I am scared, but I am hoping I will be fine.

I love and miss you, Mowgli ~
MADLY and Rest Easy, Little Man ~
Mommy, Daddy, Gatlin, Ashley and Sabre

Sunday, April 17, 2005 7:15 PM CDT

I have so many feelings rushing through me right now...

I have to express my grief because if I don't, I would be lying. I know that we are all put here for a purpose. It's up to us to figure out our purpose and fulfill it, I believe that. What I have a difficult time with is the fact that I now have to do it without my son.

It's so hard some days to go on day after day, knowing that he isn't here with me in the flesh. It's so hard to know that some day I will see him again, but right now, I can't. I have these thoughts of what he looks like in his casket. I have memories of what he did look like in his casket. It's so hard to come to terms with the loss of a child. Noah passed away on April 9th and I feel so bad for his parents. I can honestly understand how painful the loss of a child can be. I relived a lot on the 9th. The way we all held Chayton, bathing him, singing to him, holding him, all those people... my God, where did all those people come from and more importantly, where did they all go?!? There are just so many feelings attached to surrendering your baby and letting go for the last time.

I am really scared to think how I will react if and when anything happens to Bradley because I have really bonded with that little He-Man! I talk to him on the phone and I hear him in the background when I am talking to his mommy. It just breaks my heart already to know that he may see Chayton before I do. And that Noah already sees Chayton.

I come here to help get things out, but lately, I have wondered, is it really helping me? Am I really coming to terms with what happened three years ago?!? I don't know. To me, it doesn't seem like three years.

Part of me feels like I have cheated Sabre because although she is very loved, it's tough to accept that she is already two. I feel like I have missed so much of her, yet I really haven't. Maybe it's a blessing... It just seems that Chayton's 21 months was longer than her 28 1/2 months. Is that fair?!? I don't know.

I know that I would give anything to smell his hair, touch his skin or hold him again. Just to hear his sweet voice. Ahh, that's the beauty of a memory... I can still hear his voice.

Anyway, on to other things, the foundation has a web address. If you go to Chayton's Rhabdoid Mission Foundation, Inc. you will see what we are about and email us with any questions. We are working hard on that lately... Maybe that's why some of these feelings are coming out. I know we aren't the only one's with these feelings. I just don't know how other people handle it.

Chay~
Hey baby, we love and miss you. I think you scared me the other night. If that was you that talked to me, I am so sorry for my reaction, but I just couldn't believe it. If not, I guess it's safe for me to have been frightened.

Daddy misses you so much. He was talking about you again last week. I think he hurts more now than he did then. At least it's coming out that way at times. He was really thinking about you when the Rhabdoid Kids community lost little Noah. He is so strong, yet when it comes to subjects like what we went through with you, Daddy's a softy. We all love and miss you very much! Hugs and rest easy ~ Madly ~

Mommy, Daddy, Ashley, Gatlin, and Sabre

Friday, April 8, 2005 10:47 AM CDT

I would like to thank everyone for the continued support of our children on the Rhabdoid Kids Page because without it, where would we be?!? Also, I have started Chayton's Rhabdoid Mission Foundation and Chayton's Fire is still very much a part of it.

We are currently planning a benefit for Bradley Campbell and Noah Gallegos. Bradley is a three year old from West Virginia and Noah is an 11 month old from New Mexico. Both children are home on hospice and need our help and support. If you are interested in donating for the benefit in Winthrop, Minnesota on May 14, but will be unable to attend, donations can be sent to Dawn Anderson; Chayton's Mission Foundation; P.O. Box 288; Winthrop, Minnesota 55396.

There are many other children that have been affected by Rhabdoid tumors. Rhabdoid is a terrible form of cancer that takes our children far too early. Please pray for them and visit their sites at The Rhabdiod Kids' Page and let them know you care. Thanks ~

Chayton ~

We love and miss you, baby! Rest easy, we'll talk soon.

Madly ~ Mommy, Daddy, Ashley, Gatlin and Sabre...

Monday, March 28, 2005 5:33 PM CST

I tried to upload new photos in the photo album. I'm sorry, none of them will be too clear from here on out. I made a MAJOR mistake! I had deleted all my photos for the most part off my computer because I had it worked on. I figured since I had all the disks, I didn't need them on here. I only kept a couple. Unfortunately, all my disks were kept too close to my computer and now have all been deleted due to magnetism between the disks and computer. They are all gone. Just like Chayton. I could kick myself. I just feel sick about it. But I do have some pictures that I was able to retake them with the digital camera from the photo. It doesn't look near as good as the original, but I tried. Sorry.

Please check on the Rhabdoid Kids Page because there are other little boys and girls that are seriously in need of prayers. Right now, Noah and Bradley are on hospice and their families could use all the help and support they can get! I am working on a fundraiser for them, but it's just not going as fast as I would like. If anyone is interested in a Rhabdoid Kids Cookbook put together by family and friends of Rhabdiod Kids, please let me know by emailing me. This cookbook is important to help the families.

Thank you for your continued support.

Chayton, baby~

We love and miss you very much! We miss you more than you know. Hugs to you and thank you for looking out for these little people who need help. XOXO, baby. Madly! Rest easy for always!

Tuesday, March 22, 2005 12:50 AM CST

I have been pretty busy getting everything in order. It's been an exciting last couple weeks. Chayton's book will be done soon. I'm kinda nervous, though. I had a couple people read a few paragraphs and they cried. Pretty hard, actually. I don't know if I should change it or not. One girl said that she couldn't read any more, then a bit later, went back to it and cried again. I don't know if that's good or bad. Hopefully whatever I do, it will go okay.

I also hope that Bradley and Noah are getting the help they need. Each family is dealing with their own struggles and I am trying, along with others, to help them as well as I can. Please keep them in your prayers.

Mowgli~

I love and miss you little man. Watch over the boys and the other little people on The Rhabdoid Kids Page because they all need it! I also hope you like your musical photos... I put them on your other pages, too. I love and miss you, little man! Rest Easy. MADLY!

Saturday, March 12, 2005 2:39 PM CST

I wanted to remind everyone that there is a link at the bottom of this page for the Rhabdoid Kids' Page. I would like to ask that everyone goes there and clicks on the "Rhabdoid Kids" line. It will take you to other kids battling this cancer. There is another little man, Noah, who will be a year old in April. He is from Albuquerque, New Mexico. Noah is home on hospice and his family needs help! I contacted the newspapers and television stations out there to do a story on Noah and fortunately, they are going to start one on Monday! Noah's parents are young and like all the rest of us, shouldn't have to endure this. Please visit his page.

Also, Bradley Campbell is another young man who is going through this battle. He is from Alderson, West Virginia. His family needs our help and support. Bradley is three years old! I have contacted a newspaper in the area, but we also need to get more information out there.

Darrell and I discussed my constant concern for these children. He didn't understand how I could keep coming back. I am sure others wonder the same. Please let me explain. See, when Chayton was ill, we were already struggling. Cancer affects everyone. The rich, middle-class and the poor. There are few things out there to help financially and when you start off looking at something that you already pretty much know is going to take your child, you can't concentrate on anything but your family. Paying bills is stressful enough when you are struggling for money, but let me tell ya ~ when you go through this, you feel alone and you don't want to ask. I told Darrell that I wasn't going to let Chayton's death take my life, too! I want people to know what Rhabdoid is because it can intrude on ANYONE'S family! Not just ours! Chayton was the 35th patient diagnosed and registered in the US and surrounding countries. If you go to the Rhabdoid Kids Page, you will see that many since him have passed and many more have been diagnosed.

Darrell finally started to see where I was coming from and we have decided that we are going to start Chayton's Mission. Chayton's Mission is going to be a foundation where people will hopefully donate and we can start paying a portion of these family's rent, mortgages, bills, etc. so that they may concentrate on their family. Also to do a Surviving Sibling Fund to grant a wish for a sibling. It would be an application process, but I think these families NEED this and we can help. There again, look what Chayton has done for us! He opened us up to help others where before, we would have helped, but maybe not been so passionate about the need. I don't know. I do know that Chayton was special and I am proud that he was our son!

Thank you all for looking into the other children!
Dawn and Darrell and family

Chayton ~
Hey gorgeous! I love and miss you! We have been thinking about you a lot lately. I'm sure we are going to be thinking about you even more pretty soon! Thinking back, WOW how strong you were. You stared death in the face and laughed at it! I am so amazed at that! I think that no matter what we would have done, God's will overpowered us. He took you to prove not only that he takes the best, but because your mission was accomplished. Look at all you had done and are still doing! Your daddy and I just talked about that.

Ashley and Gatlin sure miss you, too. They were crying the other day. I tried to calm them and soon realized they aren't little kids anymore. The monster that allowed you to go be with Jesus stole their innocence. They are still children, but like you, they are wise beyond their years. I was telling them that I wanted to help. Ashley just cried and listened and talked. Gatlin went in the laundry room and hid and cried. He even locked the door. I made him let me in because I wanted to hug him. He said he didn't want me to see him cry. He feels like people will make fun of him because it's happened before when he cried about missing you.

Darrell and I tried to explain that people don't always know what to say and children that haven't endured the pain he and his sister had, have no idea how it feels and they haven't been taught yet about compassion. I told them that if they needed to see the therapist, I would push for it again, immediately. Gatlin started yelling, "Nobody knows how we feel! NOBODY! Only me and Ashley! Not even you or daddy! You never lost a brother or sister and daddy hasn't either. The therapist probably hasn't so what makes you think anyone can help us? We don't cry just because we miss him, we cry because we want him back!" And ya know what, Chay?!? He was right. I don't know how he feels. I don't know how she feels. I do know how I feel and it hurts to have you so far away, but I can't change it. I wish I could, but I can't. Honestly, I think I have come to terms with you being gone. It is painful and I still cry for you and think of you, but I also know you are healthy now and that we loved you as well as we could and you knew you were loved! I just wish we could have some sort of visitation with you like parents who separate get. Unfortunately we can't. One day I WILL hold you again!
I love and miss you much, Mowgimon! MADLY and rest easy, baby.

Saturday, March 12, 2005 2:39 PM CST

Wednesday, March 9, 2005 2:15 PM CST

Hey gorgeous! I just wanted to tell you that I love and miss you. I have been working on your book and tweeking it a little and it brings back so many memories. Good and bad. I don't know if you have noticed, but I have been doing a little better dealing with you not being here for me to hold and hug anymore. I still dream of you and think about you on a daily basis. Sometimes I wonder if I do it too much. Then I tell myself that I can't possibly do it too much. I love and miss you very much... we all do. It's little Kylee's anniversary today. Are you having a party for her? I'll bet you are! Hugs little man, rest easy and know that we love and miss you! MADLY!

Hey, friend~ I thought I would write and let you, along with everyone else, know that Winnie is doing wonderful! She is growing like a little weed and looks just like her big brother Riley! She seems to have no issues with having had the surgery and she has made a quick and full recovery. How awesome is that?!? Also, Riley has made a full recovery from his surgeries. The lump on his head is gone and he is a happy little camper. Still loves noisey toys and all! Thanks for asking! Oh, and Riley and Winnie's mom, Danyel, is expecting and going to be having another little one running around in August! I will let them know that they were asked about. I'm sure it will make them feel good! Oh, and yet another thing... Danyel and Jason are doing great! Thanks again, for asking...

Monday, March 7, 2005 11:55 PM CST

I love and miss you very much. Thinking about you constantly. I will write more later, but right now I am just wanting to let you know that I really, really miss and love you. Your Daddy, brother and sisters do, too. Lovins Little Man, Rest Easy ~ MADLY!!!

Sunday, February 27, 2005 8:31 PM CST

Hey, Smiley~

How's my boy? I'm sure you are having fun in Heaven. Did you get to meet Ben? He was a fighter just like you. I see so many similarities between him, you and Lulu. How about Mearan's big brother, Bracken? I'll bet Mear is keeping him to herself right now. They have a lot of catching up to do. She has been there for three years and he just got there. He told his mommy that he was excited to see her. That's beautiful.

I have been working diligently on your book, lately. I have decided to include a chapter on all the Rhabdoid children and angels. Daddy and I went through a lot of the emotions in the past couple days and today, something set me off so bad. I was so furious. I remembered the day that the doctor told me that not even a miracle could save you. I was so furious. I feel bad for the terrible words that came out of my mouth that day, but I can't say that I regret them. I meant everything I said. You were already a miracle and just because one doctor couldn't do it doesn't mean a miracle couldn't! There needs to be more awareness out there, Chayton, and that's my ultimate goal!

I have so much to tell you, but right now I have to get back to my book. I just wanted you to know that no matter what, WE LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU! Hugs gorgeous ~ MADLY, Mommy, Daddy, Ashley, Gatlin, and Sabre

Wednesday, February 23, 2005 6:06 PM CST

Hi Chayton ~ Hope all is well with you today. I wanted to write and tell you that my spirits are lifted. I'm sure you saw our newest addition to the family... Harley. He's a good boy and he's gorgeous, much like you are, only in a different way.

See, since your sun set, Gatlin has been asking for a dog. Daddy and I are both partial to Rottweilers, but we didn't want to do it with LuLu being so little yet. Well, yesterday, there was this big ol' dog running around the house and he was absolutely gorgeous! The cop came to get him and at the last second, daddy told Gatlin to tell the officer that if they couldn't find the owner we would take him. The officer brought him right to the door. At first we were leary because like I said, Sabre is too little... but then I told daddy to let him in the house. He came in and the two things they always do first, he didn't. He didn't mark his territory and he stayed off the furniture! Can you believe it?! I told daddy that this dog has definitely been trained well. We kept him here for a few hours and in that time, he was awesome with the kids and with everything. Never begged for food, never uttered a sound, nothing! He laid down when told, he sat and everything. Anyway, we sat down for supper and then there was the dreaded knock. I knew and so did daddy. It was the owner. He asked if I found a puppy. I said yah, you want him back? He said why? Do you? I said yah... he handed me the leash. I felt so good and so heartbroken at the same time. The owner said that he had papers for him, food and everything, but his long hours made it tough to be there with him like he wanted to. He said he was good with babies and kids and we saw that, and he said that his name was Harley. His bloodline takes us to Germany and that he was going to be two in July.

I thought of you right away and I couldn't figure out why. Now I know. I finally figured it out. See, it about killed him to let him go. It was obvious he loved Harley and that Harley loved him... and it was obvious that it hurt him to let Harley go. See, Chay~ it was so hard for me to let you go. I loved you so much and I know you loved me, but I also knew I had to let you go for you to be taken care of and free of pain. Don't get me wrong, Harley isn't in pain, but maybe he felt a little lonely because his daddy had long hours. Now Harley is still so loved and I can't imagine letting him go, even only after a day. I am so sure that's how Jesus feels about you. He loves you so much. It took a whole day to figure it out, but now that I have, I feel more at peace with where you are. Sure I will struggle ~ I think any parent would, but at least I know that you are in the best hands where you are. Hopefully Harley is in the best hands. The kids love him and so do we. He's already a part of the family. Just like you were when you went there.

I just had to let you know what was going on with him because I am sure you saw him here. I don't want him to scare you from coming to visit. He's really gentle and he is such a lover. He would welcome you, I know it.

Ashley really missed you the other day. Sabre, her and I went to church and she talked about you quite a bit when we got him. She even drew you a picture. It was gorgeous. She is so sweet and caring!

Gatlin said he thought you visited a week ago. He told Ashley that he was up in his room talking to you. He misses you, too. He says it's not fair that Shala has LuLu and he doesn't have you, anymore. In a way, he's right, but I tell him that you are in Heaven protecting him. That seems to help sometimes. He thinks that you would love Harley. He wants Harley to be just his, but we know that can't be. We are a family. That means Harley is your's, too!

Well, gorgeous, I have to get going but I will talk to you soon. Hugs, gorgeous! MADLY! ~ Mommy, Daddy, Ashley, Gatlin and Sabre.

Sunday, February 13, 2005 9:22 PM CST

Dearest little man ~

We are so happy to have had you in our lives but so sad to have had to give you back so soon. I don't understand why you had to leave, and I don't know that I ever will. I get so down sometimes and I think of how happy you were even when you were going through this. So many regrets about the way things were done. So many thoughts of "could we have done more?", all the while knowing that we did all we could. There was no more love in us to give because we made sure that every ounce we had, we gave to you kids. Even neglecting eachother to be sure that you knew you were forever loved. Words can't begin to explain how much we wanted you to stay. When your name comes up, we smile, laugh, get tears, feel extreme pride, feel pain; I could go on forever about feelings.

Sabre has reminded us of you so much lately that it almost makes it easier and harder at the same time. There is a bitter-sweet blanket that we crawl out from under when we start to see the resemblences. She is of you. She talks about you and tells the kids that you are HER baby, now and that you are HER brother, as if to say they never knew you. Only they have started to teach her about you. They tell her all the time how awesome you were and how much they loved you.

We try to trudge along, but certain months are more difficult than others. February is ecspecially hard. This is the 3rd anniversary of the eve that your gorgeous sun set. The feelings and emotions are still at surface level.

I have good things to report to you, though. Sabre has been potty trained for a little more than a month now! She is talking like crazy, can count and is learning her ABC's. I can't take all the credit though, the awesome thing is that Gatlin and Ashley have been also teaching her. Their behavior is also great. I am so proud of them.

A friend, Tracy, wrote me an e-mail today and what she said in it hit home... she said basically how we felt in an e-mail. I am so glad that she did... she wrote...

I have been anticipating this day all week, anxious with memories and the emotions revolving around this day.
So much started and ended on this day. Chaytons life here on Earth ended on this day, his precious life without pain of hurt started in Heaven.
Happiness for him and sadness for you....how do we understand that?
Are we willing to give up his earthly presence to make him well? Sadly, enough it is not up to us. You gave it your best efforts, no one can ever take that from you!!
It is too bad he couldnt have had both, too bad we all couldnt have had both.
The best part, Chayton KNEW that he was loved, knew that his time here was EXCELLENT, full of hugs and kisses and a family that wanted only what was best for him in the end.
How many little people can have such an impact on the whole world??
Your little boy did, and still does in my mind.
I look at the rhabdoid kids page today and remember when Chay and a few others were all that were there. Now it is full of little faces, little bodies that are full of life, struggling to have one more day, month or year.

That is what we have been feeling. I can't seem to find the words to express what I feel. Chayton, it's so hard because I want to change things. I want to hold you again. The saddest part is that no matter how hard or what approach I try, there is nothing that I can do. I have no control over it. And I look at all the other kids and I want to change things for them and their families but I can't.

I want you to help Big Ben when his time comes. I know you will play with him and make him feel welcome there, as all the other kids will... but I have become a little attached to him too... Chayton, it all comes flooding back and I sit here in front of my computer screen looking at these gorgeous kids through tear stained, blood shot eyes with a lump in my throat, questioning God and His motives. I hate that feeling.

Chayton, I love and miss you and so do daddy, Ashley, Gatlin and the rest of the family. I'll bet Sabre misses you too. I tell her that she was hand picked by you. Just last week, daddy wrote you a letter. I don't think he wanted me to see it, but I did and when I started reading it, I didn't realize what it was until I got down a few sentences. I want you to know that he loves and misses you so much. For him to write to you... instead of talk, baby, you are so important. I am getting really choked up so I should go. I want to tell you that you have five Valentine's here... all of us want YOU as our Valentine. We love and miss you, Mowgli.. MADLY, Rest easy little man ~ We will see you soon.

Mommy, Daddy, Ashley, Gatlin, and baby Sabre.

Thursday, January 20, 2005 9:59 AM CST

My sweet little angel boy, I love and miss you so much. In case you haven't noticed, we have been talking to you quite a bit more, lately. The opportunity has come. I don't know if we are going to grab the brass ring of the floating carousel before it disappears or not. I am sooo hesitant. We finally found "the place". After talking to you about wanting to go home, and your bravery, and how I wanted to go home... Daddy and I went to Iowa to look at a house. Actually at five of them. The second one we went to, Daddy said he had seen enough, he wanted that one. He said we were moving! After all this time, I don't know what my problem is. I am so scared now. It's a big step. I want to go, but I want to stay. I can't have both.

I wonder if this is what you went through. Wanting to go, wanting to stay. I want to do what is best. The kids want to go because they have so many friends there and I want to go because of family and my friends, but I have friends here and I don't want to leave G'ma and G'pa Anderson. Daddy promised that if we go, we can come back and visit them and they can come visit us. We will be closer to you, too... and auntie Denise... I have prayed to God. I have prayed to you. Now I am putting it in God's and Daddy's hands.

Greg called last night. He was thinking of you. He is really doing better! I was so proud of him. You would have been too.

My prayer list today ~
*Please continue to heal Greg Kuphal, it's been a long road in a short time. He's your little buddy, remember!
*Please help Ben Bowen's family continue to help Ben and keep him comfortable. Don't let this horrible monster change their faith like it did our's for a while. Keep them close to God, always.
*Please keep Grandpa Kraft healthy and safe. I pray that nothing "terminal" has touched him and that he can overcome what is going on. I pray the results of the tests come back saying that his heart is fine, no cancer, etc.
*I pray that you, Chayton, are never forgotten. We miss and love you. It's that time of year, so if we cry a lot, it's not your fault.

Rest easy little man, we're your's for always! MADLY!
~Mommy, Daddy, Ashley, Gatlin and Sabre.

Saturday, December 18, 2004 11:11 AM CST

Please Pray for Ben Bowen and his family. They are a truly amazing family and they need our prayers. If you have a prayer chain, please add them to it; if you have family members that will pray for others, please forward the message! Ben is a gorgeous little boy and he is fighting the Rhabdoid Monster. Please check out his page... I will put the link on the bottom of this page. Ben's cousin, Rachel, is also in the hospital fighting for her young life... she was hit by a car. Please keep her in your prayers, too. Also, Greg Kuphal, a close friend of the family is having medical issues right now and needs our prayers! He has a web page. The address is www.caringbridge.org/mn/kuphal and you may have to copy and paste it. Greg is the friend who was with me the very moment I learned of Chayton's tumor and he was a good friend to our family all the way through Chayton's illness and still is. Please, say a prayer for Greg, his parents, his children and his girlfriend. They all need our prayers right now.

Chayton ~
Your buddy, Greg, really needs our help right now, so if you have any extra pull in Heaven's Playground, please let the Lord know that Greg's place is here. The last time we talked to him, he talked about you, so please, keep him under a wing up there. We miss and love you, Mowgli. Rest Easy Little Man! MADLY!

Friday, October 29, 2004 11:11 AM CDT

Has everyone already been informed on Scott Larsen and what he is doing? Scott is a guy who is focuses on something and goes for it. Guess what his focus is right now? It's helping Rhabdoid children. He calls his venture "Timmy's Tour"; he is biking, on his own, cross country to gain funds to help with finding a cure for Rhabdoid. Isn't that great?!? Scott was touched by a child who was diagnosed with Rhabdoid. Timmy Kelly passed away May 2nd last year. This means more to Scott than just biking; this is an emotional experience for him also. I would encourage everyone to watch Scott travel cross country on his venture. He is also in need of lodging. If he comes your way, and you can do so, please put him up for a night. It's getting mighty cold out there. There is a web address to learn more about what Scott is doing. And remember to sign the address book. His mom personally receives them all while he is away and she gives him all the messages! Isn't that awesome!!! The address is www.TimmysTour.com and all you have to do is right click and highlight the address and then all you have to do is left click and click on paste. Then, of course, click GO. When you get to the site, look around. It's really neat and it's an honor to the other Rhabdoid patients out there.

Thanks much ~

Chayton~
We love and miss you so much. Sabre tried saying your name, I had to laugh. She used to do it like you did, "Chaychay". Now for some reason, she says "Chachi". At least she knows who you are. She calls Ashley "Ah he" and Gatlin "Gat Gee". It's cute. We have been talking to you an awful lot lately. We love and miss you so much. I have to get going. I have so much to get done. Hugs n love little man; rest easy! MADLY ~ Mommy, Daddy, Ashley, Gatlin and Sabre.

Friday, October 15, 2004 7:32 PM CDT

My gorgeous little man~

How have you been? I suppose you are just as busy as ever and don't even realize it. You were always such a good little boy. We love and miss you so much. It's been a while. I have so much to say, but first and foremost, I need to ask for your help with something. Do you remember the American Flag that we laid across your last crib? Just before we laid you to rest?!? The reason for that, sweety, is because you fought a war on your own and in a way, you went through things that are continuing to help little people in our country; all over the world, you have helped. Well, to make a long story short, you did it with much pride and courage. Well there are other kinds of wars. Something that you may not understand because you are with Jesus now and you don't have them there. Anyway, this is where good people go and fight against people who aren't always the nicest people. They kill others because they feel they can. Anyway, this "war" is in another country. It's in a place called Iraq. The reason I am writing this honey, is because your Godfather, Uncle Nate, received a letter a couple days ago and it said that he needed to report by the 6th of November for Operation Iraqi Freedom. He is going to Iraq honey. Uncle Nate is going to fight so other people in other places have the freedom that we have here. They called him in on a retirement call up which is where people have served their time and finished with their duties, but the government is calling them back in so that we don't have a general draft again. Grandma is really hurting right now and I want to ask that you come and visit and comfort her all that you can. She says that she knows when you are there. I believe she does. We all miss and love you so much. We will all be praying for the safe return of each and every one of our troops.

The other thing I was gonna tell you is that your daddy still hasn't lost it. For absolutely no reason today, he brought me home roses. After having you touch our lives, we have an entirely different outlook on things and it's amazing how we have changed. Thank you, Chayton.

Gatlin and Ashley are doing really well with their education. Sabre is even learning. She was doing school stuff with them today when we got home from the homeschool co-op. I think you would really like it there if you would have been going. Kids your age are in Drama with the bigger kids, then you would be in Music and Art. You would really like it, I just know it. Sabre is growing FINALLY! She is so short, but she is doing pretty good. I am proud of all you kids, how perfect each of you are to me. And to your daddy. He sure thinks you are all awesome, too!

I suppose, I need to get going, but I want you to know that I miss and love you so very much. Hugs n love, MADLY ~ Mommy, Daddy, Ashley, Gatlin and Sabre.

Friday, August 20, 2004 1:54 PM CDT

What a hectic week last week was! I had to take Gatlin to the doctor for an ear infection. Another shot deal... I had to giggle a little. He was scared really bad, but he took the first shot in the arm, didn't flinch a bit. They had to give him a trial run at it because he had an allergic reation to a med years ago and they needed to rule out issues with the new med because it is a relative to the one he had issues with. Anyway, he took the first shot and all he could do was beam and ask, "Did I take mine better than Ashley took her's?" At the time, I had to say yes, but Ashley took her shot really well, too. She started to cry, but ended up laughing because I talked her all the way through it. Anyway, when they came back in for the second one, things took a sudden turn. Not in his reaction to the medication, but his reaction to the needle the second time around. They gave him a choice between in the leg and in the hip. He couldn't decide. He debated for ten minutes, I kid you not! He kept saying, "Just let me think about this, where would you get it?" "Where will it hurt the least?" "Why do I have to have a second shot?" "Can't you just put it in my arm?" "Will you laugh at me if I cry?"... Then he was just holding off with things like, "Okay, in my hip, but don't look at my butt cuz you are a girl, okay?!?" "Oh, this is gonna hurt." "Why can't my mom just get the shot for me and throw up in my mouth?" I must say, the nurse was SOOOO patient with him, and I was starting to tell him that it was time and I was just gonna hold him so take a deep breath. Then he just laid back and said, "STAB ME." She wiped the area with alcohol and he yelled really loud, "OUCH!" We laughed. Then she gave him the shot, he whimpered and yelled all the way through it. When it was done, they gave him an ice pack and off we went. When we got home, he told Ash that he got two shots. Told her he took the first one way better than she took her shot. She kept asking about the second, but he wouldn't talk about it. Finally she asked me. Sorry Gatlin, I had to tell her, she took hers like a woman, he took his like a boy. Then he said, "Little boy, Ashley, it hurt!".

Then, I had to take Ashley and Sabre in for pink eye. Ashley got it first, but by the second day, Sabre had it. Ashley told the dr. she didn't want a shot, but if she had to get one, no matter what, she wanted him to tell her brother that she didn't cry. Then I had to have some tests done and they drew blood. Ashley's face turned white as a sheet and she was pretty light headed she said, and Sabre just cried watching me have blood drawn. I must say, I was so worried about keeping my girls calm, I didn't even really realize they had taken my blood. I told Ashley that she took her shot better than she took me getting my blood drawn.

Anyway, it just keeps going, it seems that if one of us is ill, the rest are well, and it keeps going on and on. And none of the illnesses are duplicated with the exception of the pink eye. (Which by the way, was a shotless cure).

The kids are doing really well with their education. I am thoroughly impressed with their levels of understanding and abilities. I would have never guessed they were as capable as they are had I not decided to homeschool. There are downfalls, like being together 24/7, but at the same time, it's a blessing. Also there is the "My mom is a pushover but my teacher is a pain" syndrome. Funny because we are one in the same, but schooling is far more serious. We still have our family meetings and one thing that comes up is that they want less homework. Um, we have been VERY leinient over the summer because they deserve to be kids, so guess what, there will be more to do later. (tehe)

Gatlin and Ashley are going to a Pow Wow tomorrow. How exciting is that?!? I am excited because of the Native background on my side of the family and Ashley also has Native background on from her biological mother's side of the family so I believe that it's important for them to learn a little more about themselves and different cultures. It's for a boy scout trip for Gatlin and they offered to take Ashley. What a great study for the future!!!

Thank you all for your continued support and keeping our family in your prayers. Also, there is another family in town that lost a son recently. Our Chief of Police in Winthrop, Bruce Froehlich, and his family lost their son, Kevin who was only 25, last Sunday. It was a sad time for our community. Please keep them in your prayers.

Chayton Hunter~
Hey gorgeous! How are things where you are? Well, as you know, we have really been thinking about you a lot lately. We talk about you often and hope that you aren't too busy there. We thought you were playing a trick on us again. I had to have another pregnancy test, and after having my tubes tied, we thought you were behind the joke. Just an FYI, baby boy, we are happy with the family we have now, you included. We don't need any more additions, so just in case you may be thinking that we need another child, there are many excellent potential mommies and daddies out there that can't have a child, and if you feel the urge to help send another blessing, please, send it to one of them.

Sabre says your name now. The kids taught her your name and sometimes when she is playing around, she just starts calling out your name. It's really cute. She sure is just like you. I keep looking at her and thinking that you were her very age when you passed away. She will be the EXACT same age on the 28th of this month. Scarey, but we know that she is protected by you.

Daddy is as busy as ever. He is working so much, and a couple times lately he has taken Gatlin with him to work. And once he even took Ashley. They are really good helpers. He only takes them on small, after hours things, but he has made the comment that if you were here, he would like to have taken you and taught you some things, also.

I suppose, I have work to get done before too long. We love and miss you very much. You are always loved and you are never forgotten. MADLY ~ Mommy, Daddy, Ashley, Gatlin and Sabre.

Thursday, July 29, 2004 8:01 AM CDT

Gatlin and Ashley are in Iowa spending time with family. Chayton's party was this past weekend and we had a great time. We had photos lining the walls in the garage, good food and great beverages for everyone, Darrell and I renewed our wedding vows, we had a balloon release for Chayton. The balloons this year were not just for Chayton, they were for all the children resting with Jesus. Adults, too. When it was all said and done, I went and sat down by Angie, trying to be strong. She put her arm around me and I asked her not to make me cry because I was holding back tears. She told me that it was too late because she had them too and that the balloon release was beautiful. I was so busy taking pictures that I guess I didn't see it as well as I would have liked to, but I will have the photos for future reference.

Later in the evening, we had the fireworks. They were pretty good, but the kids being so close made me nervous. They did fine, though. Sabre was in total control of every situation she was close to. That girl has a personality that can either melt you or make you think twice about her age. She was really good. Bossy, but good.

Darrell and I had a great time as well. We had a cake made for Chayton with his picture on it. It turned out just awesome. I have pictures of all these things, so I am hoping to get them on a disk so I can post them here. These parties seem to pick us up every year.

An awesome woman in California sent us gifts recently. Sabre got toys and sandles, I can't tell you what Gatlin and Ashley got because they are still in Iowa, but Darrell and I got a book... A Chicken Soup For The Grieving Soul book. I sat down right away and started reading.

In this book, there is a story about a woman who has a "shrine" in her livingroom for her husband who has passed. The shrine is just his chair, his newspaper, and his coffee cup. It says that her kids would like her to change things, but she didn't feel right about it. Finally one day, they came over and rearranged her livingroom for her. The reason I bring this up is because the entire South wall in our livingroom is all Chayton. The wall is shelf upon shelf filled with Chayton's things. Photos, poems, shoes, angels, his hat, his puppy, the flag on his casket, his favorite books, his leg brace, his aroma therapy stuff, flowers his piggy bank... just lots of Chayton stuff. I want to talk to the kids about whether or not they want to do something different in here, but I don't think I want to know their response ~ unless it is to keep it the way it is. I want to know, but I don't know if I will be willing to change things or if I will try to convince them that this is the best. Therefore, I can't bring myself to even ask them.

I remember when Chayton passed and I told the kids I was expecting again. Ashley was happy, but Gatlin was angry and upset with me. He eventually came around, but now if I give them a choice like this, what will I be putting all of us through?!? Anyway, my point to all of this is, now that I know that I am not the only one to feel like Chayton needs to have his own place, I am hoping that because I can recognize this, I can change things in the future if I need to. Anyway, I feel better than I did the last time I updated. Thanks for all your input also.

Dear baby boy~

We miss and love you very much. Did you get your balloons?!? Sabre even let one go this year for you. It said your name on it. The neighbor said that she looked up and saw an X in the sky and later saw a cirle cluster. She said that you were sending hugs and kisses from heaven. I'm sorry that I didn't get to see it, Chayton, but you know if I would have known, I would have definitely looked. I was also sending love your way. There were alot of people sending love to the other side from here on Saturday.

I have so much to do. I plan on doing a makeover in your big sister's room while she is gone, so I had better get cracking. You can come and help if you would like. She wants fairies and pixies...I'll see what I can do. She thought I was gonna do it in a few months. She'll be home in less than a week. I had better get going.

We love and miss you so much... Hugs n love baby boy! ~Rest Easy!!! Mommy, Daddy, Ashley, Gatlin and Sabre

Thursday, July 1, 2004 9:38 AM CDT

Hey baby boy...we are planning your party again for this year. It just seems so hectic. We are having a hog roast this year for your memory party and I am hoping that it doesn't rain. So if you could please, put in a good word.

We miss you so much. It's absolutely amazing at how much we think about you and the things that we think. We are going to have your photos out for the party so that way, people that didn't get to see all of them before will have the chance now. You are one handsome little man. Sabre looks so much like you and her actions are your's through and through. Sometimes its really funny to watch her because she does and says things that you did. Remember when I used to tell you no and you would put your tiny hands over your ears, and sometimes you would roll your eyes?!? Well, she used to put her hands over her ears, but now she just rolls her eyes. Not just for no, either. She does it for lots of stuff. Like if I ask her to sit down in the bath tub or if I tell her to throw something away. She has an attitude from the get...

Gatlin and I were just sitting here talking a bit ago and we were remembering how you would giggle at the tiniest things. Oh, how I wish we had you here still. I look around at other kids who were in daycare with you or just your age and sometimes I have to get a grip. I can feel the lump starting to well in my throat and tears stinging my eyes. I think of how it could have been with you here. There is nothing like the feeling of having a gorgeous child and not being able to hold you close to me physically. I have mental videos that play of you often and I think some days are definitely harder than others.

We are looking to move back home...to Iowa. And when we get there, we will be closer to you and can come and sit with you all we want. I am excited to do that. I have so much to talk to you about. I talk to you here, but sometimes I wonder if you are too busy to hear.

I know you spent the time teaching Sabre about who you are. We don't show her many photos and there is no reason or excuse why. We just talk about you alot. Tia was here the other day and she asked if Sabre knew how much you looked like her. I said I think so. Then I turned to Sabre and showed her a photo of you kids and asked her where Chayton was and she kissed you in the photo. Isn't that amazing. She's only a year and a half...but she is as smart as a whip.

Chayton, if I could have said only one thing to you before you left us, I would have told you that I am sorry for arguing with Daddy so much during that stressful time. I feel bad because now we get along soooo well and we wasted alot of time while you were here arguing about stupid stuff. I wish we would have gotten along better so that we could have spent way more time concentrating on you, Gatlin and Ashley. Daddy says the same. I know we got along while you were present, but sweety, there was so much tension that we remember feeling and we wonder if you must have felt it too. It's just that we had never been through something so hard before, and we didn't know how to handle what was going on. Between the two of us, Chayton, you were so loved. We would have given ourselves so that you could have lived. Believe me, I asked.

In a way, I feel robbed of a precious little boy that loved and cared about so many people the way so many people loved and cared about you. In another way, I feel like you are free. Safe from any harm. Your hair is long and gorgeous and flies back when you ride on your HD in the sky; you are back to your normal size without any swelling; no more needles, hickman catheters, chemo; no more drinking the concoctions that everyone thought would make you feel better; NO MORE CANCER AND NO MORE PAIN. How awesome you must feel right now. I know, it sounds so selfish to feel robbed of you, but sweety, you belonged with us. It is so hard to understand why we couldn't keep you.

Always in my heart Mowgli~
MADLY, Mommy, Daddy, Ashley, Gatlin, and Sabre

Wednesday, June 9, 2004 9:30 AM CDT

Again, asking everyone to keep up with baby Winnie. www.caringbridge.org/ia/winnie . She seems to be doing quite well. Riley, her big brother, has been staying with us for a bit and he sure is one handsome little guy! Thanks for checking in.

Chay baby~
We love and miss you very much. We think about you all the time. We talk about you lots, too. Just the other day, I was going through pictures and my oh my. It hit me all at once. YOU WERE A HAM!!! You were always smiling and happy. If it were possible, I would get you back here, take millions of pictures of you and send them to Heaven, but keep you here in our arms where you belong.

Some days it hurts so bad that we have to find something away from here to do so that we can function. Your sister and brother miss you something fierce! They talk about memories of you; how they miss you; and then their feelings. If these walls could talk, Mowgli! They would talk about all the fun we had. All the times we sat here with you, holding you, worrying about you, laughing with you, playing with you, running from you, trying to DRESS you... by the way, do you like to wear clothes yet? Or don't you have to? You did while you were here, but you remember, we had our days... wasn't it... usually after tubbie time?!? Bathing you was the easy part, getting you out and away from the tub... that was the fun part. Dressing you, well, let's just say that part was interesting.

WOW!!! If that isn't strange, the neurosurgery office just called while I was writing this. We just talked about you, Therese O'Fallon, Dr. Nagib, etc... We are scheduling surgery for Riley. He has a humangioma on his little head that needs to be removed and hypospatia of the urethra that needs to be taken care of. We talked a lot about you.

I suppose, I have to get things lined up so I will write to you later. I love you Mowgimon! Oh, did you see that I resized your pictures so you could see them better?!? I did. Everyone just loves your monument. It's gorgeous just like you. MADLY! Rest easy, Little Man!

Love you for always,
Mommy, Daddy, Ashley, Gatlin, and Sabre. (And of course, baby Riley).

Monday, May 31, 2004 12:29 AM CDT

Chay, Baby~

We got to go see your stone and we saw that other's have too. There are different things left for you every time we go there. That is really neat! You sure left your mark. Your stone is so beautiful. Just for you.

We love and miss you very much and we hope to be back down here to visit you soon. Always in our hearts, Mommy, Daddy, Ashley, Gatlin and Sabre.

By the way, did you see how Sabre kept kissing you and when I told her to tell you bye bye, she ran and kissed you again?!? She sure loves her brother!

I will write again, later. Right now, things are a little hectic. I love you and miss you. 'Til then, baby boy, Rest Easy!

Madly for always!!!

Tuesday, May 18, 2004 9:18 AM CDT

This is a great day... I waited to tell everyone on here the exciting news. I called the guy where Chayton's stone was being made on the thirteenth and asked him when Chayton's stone would be done. We were starting to worry. He had said that he actually was just talking about us and that he wondered if he could stop by. I said of course and shortly following, he arrived with photos of Chayton's stone. The best part is that he told us that Chayton's stone would be set this week some time. He was looking at Tuesday or Thursday. I have had my checkers out looking for quite a while now, but this week is one of the most hectic.

There is another little girl, she is a friend of mine's daughter. She was born the day after Chayton's birthday and the following day, she had emergency open heart surgery. She has a web page now. It's www.caringbridge.org/ia/winnie. To make a long story short, her mommy is a single mom and is doing the best she can. She is at home with her son, but was trying desperately to get back to the hospital four hours away to stay with her newborn. I didn't know this until last night, so I called and made arrangements and my dad is helping get her there. Then he comes back and has surgery himself on Friday. His week is really hectic. My entire family lives down there, but everyone has pretty big stuff going on so it just may be that the kids and I have to take a field trip to Iowa to see Chayton's new stone!

I am homeschooling the kids now and it is going absolutely fantastic. I am not trying to say anything negative about the public school system, but it is so much nicer having them home and they are learning more information and their attitudes have really changed for the better being home. They seem to absolutely love it. And the best part for us is that we can see that they are learning. We have talked about it in the past, but nothing really came of it. Then one day, playing Mad Libs, I taught the kids what an adjective was and within five minutes, they had it down. Then there were some issues at school where we just didn't feel that the kids were benefitting by their attendance and interaction. I started homeschooling and found out that alot of what they were learning in school, they hadn't actually learned. Ashley broke down and told me that the teacher always gives them the answers if they need them. Well, they are definitely working for it now, and they admitted that it was difficult at first, but they like it now because they have learned so much. They are involved in other activities so that their social abilities are not comprimised and we all feel great about what is going on.

Sabre is really picking up on stuff really quickly. She loves to color... especially things that she shouldn't so we keep her in the high chair to color. She listened to Chay's laugh on the computer this morning. Gatlin yelled, "Ashley, it's Chayton!" They both got up and ran in by the computer. Sabre came too. She stood there watching, pointing, and then started to giggle too.

No other new information. Thanks for your continued support and please, visit Winnie's page and let them know that you are supporting them as well. Thanks.

Sir Chayton~
We sure do miss you. Not like you didn't know that though, huh?!? Well, I just wanted to let you know that we have seen the photos of your stone and we are so excited to see it placed. I can't wait. You so deserved this beautiful piece. You definitely are loved and this will show how important you are to us, still today!

I often wonder what it would be like to have you here yet today. It's like we dream that we can still have you here and it's a bitter sweet reality when we realize that we had you, but could not keep you. It's so hard, but we are doing it, buddy. We know that one day you will be the one to carry us home.

We love and miss you and we will talk to you soon. MADLY, Mommy, Daddy, Ashley, Gatlin and Sabre.

Wednesday, May 12, 2004 8:59 AM CDT

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GORGEOUS!!! Boy, have we been thinking about you! We sure miss our little Chayman! Can you believe your fourth birthday is today?!? My goodness, what a big boy! I sure wish I could hold you in my arms just as I did four years ago and start over with you. I don't know what I would change or even if I would change anything, but I sure would enjoy having you close to me again.

It was four years ago today. I called your daddy at work and told him that I thought it might be time. (Your brother did it to me... I didn't know I was in labor with him and when I had him I didn't have really any pain. G'pa and Uncle Bub had to tell me that I was in labor. He came so fast that I didn't know if I would have time to get to the hospital with you.) I told your daddy that I felt my tummy getting hard and then soft again frequently. I was pretty nervous. After Gatlin, he also was nervous. He told me that he would be right home. By the time he drove the two miles home, I had nothing. I told him he could go back to work if he wanted because I didn't want to look like a fool going in with no symptoms. Your daddy said no way and put everything into the car that was going, including me.

I asked him to stop at McDonald's when we got into Hutchinson, so I could eat a Big Mac. (Something you don't do if you are in labor... another sign you could wait). Anyway, after walking around for a long time through the hospital, the doctor said if I could get to four centimeters, they would break my water. (When I arrived at the hospital with Gatlin, I was already at 5cm.) It took a while, but daddy insisted he wasn't leaving the hospital without a baby! He wanted to meet you so bad that he made me walk and walk and walk. Then the nurse checked me and it wasn't long before the doctor broke my water. Boy, that was when the pain started and ouch, it hurt! Daddy had to keep taking me to the potty because I thought I had to go, turns out, I didn't. After four and a half long hours, you came into this world. You had the most beautiful eyes. You were definately amazing. Tiny, but amazing. You were daddy's best friend within the first five minutes of your life.

He followed the nurses everywhere they took you, looking, watching, waiting for his turn to hold you again. I wanted to hold you too, but daddy said that I had held you for nine months and it was his turn. (How unfair is that?!?) G'pa and G'ma Kraft came up from Iowa and brought Ashley and Gatlin with them to the hospital so they could meet you. They wanted to take you home the very second they saw you. Instantly attached, they took turns holding you, kissing you and telling you all about our family, rules and the way they were each going to protect you in their own little way.

I had to wait for everything to settle down before I could hold you and watch your every breath. You were so perfect. I remember thinking how lucky I was to have just been blessed with such a perfect little being and that I had the rest of our lives to teach you everything I wanted you to know.

The day you left the hospital was on Mother's Day that year. You didn't have a name yet because Daddy and I had a hard time agreeing on the perfect name for you. You had already been named four times by then, and now we decided just to wait. We brought you home named "Baby Boy Anderson". (That was hard on me. I kept thinking it wasn't fair to you and if something happened, I didn't want you to be known as "Baby Boy Anderson"). Your first name was Hunter Haze. Then the list goes on all the way to Chayton Hunter. The name I had wanted for a long time. The perfect name! Daddy didn't mind as long as Hunter was part of your name.

You met a lot of people in your first year of life. Many that are still around here thinking of you on a daily basis, and many that think of you often. You touched a lot of people, Chayton. You still touch people. Your strength and courage are just outstanding. Had I known then what I know now, you could have been named Courage! You are definately one awesome little boy.

We love and miss you so much. Love Mommy, Daddy, Ashley, Gatlin and Sabre.

Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday dear Chayton
Happy Birthday to you!!!!!!!!

Friday, May 7, 2004 8:50 AM CDT

Baby boy~

Sure have been missing you lately. I bet you've noticed that the house is a little more chaotic around here, lately. I started homeschooling your brother and sister. It's great because we get done earlier than a full day of school and they still want more! They are pretty smart you know. I can't help but think when I am teaching them that you could be sitting right beside one of us and learning, too. Sabre sits in the high chair and scribbles with crayons. I keep imagining you sitting up like a big boy doing your "school work".

I don't think your stone has been set yet, and we were all hoping to see that this weekend. G'ma and G'pa have been checking regularly to see if it's there, yet. Nothing yet.

Did you notice the bird? Yup, the kids got a cockatiel and that little bugger is loud! He sure has an opinion. Gatlin keeps getting in trouble for trying to let him out and Sabre keeps taking the cage apart on the bottom side and she eats the seeds. NAUGHTY, NAUGHTY! She has gotten better though. She just sits on her perch half the day, now. (Just kidding).

Daddy has been really good lately. As have I. We talk alot about you. I have noticed that we are both going further back when we talk about you. Back to the days before you were ill. How you were. What life was like for us back then. The roller coaster changed everything.
Not all bad. There were things that we learned that only you could have taught us and those memories are the best! I don't know if we would have been such good students for you if we hadn't already started the roller coaster. Funny how things seemed before you were ill, though. Remember the time Daddy had to work and I took you, Ashley and Gatlin to Church anyway, without him. You were such a big boy. When the music stopped, you didn't. It was soooo cute.

Oh, Chay. We love you and miss you. I have to get going and get the kids going on the next subject. Know that we are always thinking of you and you are with us everywhere, we know. Rest Easy Little Man! M.A.D.L.Y. ~Your Fan Club!!!!!!!!!

Friday, May 7, 2004 8:50 AM CDT

Monday, April 19, 2004 10:47 AM CDT

Hey gorgeous!!!!!!! How's my baby boy? Sure do miss you. All of us do. It's almost time for your stone to be set up. We are so excited. It's been a long wait, but well worth it. You are going to love it, sweety. It honors you!!!

Where were you on Friday, little man? Were you, by chance, with Grandma and Grandpa VanderKolk and your little cousin, Colton? UMMMM, I think you were! They just had a car accident where they were t-boned, and it has been said that the vehicle is totalled and that if it would have happened any other way, a second sooner, later, higher, lower, no matter what, the outcome would have been disasterous for all of them. Not only are they lucky to be alive, we are waiting to hear about Grandma, but so far, the injuries are minimal. Umm, I think you were working again. Am I right? That's two sets of Grandparents, two SERIOUS accidents, and minimal bodily damage. We sure are happy that we still have you!

So, can you hear the bird? Yeah, Colleen gave you kids a bird. I was trying to get it to say pretty bird, instead, your baby sister says it. Just the other day, she tore the side of the cage apart and pulled out the seed and was eating it. I think she wants a perch. She sure is a BIRD! Yesterday, Daddy was playing with a box thing that makes a sound like a turkey gobble. Well, that's all the bird does now. So your sister thinks she's a cockatiel, the cockatiel thinks he's a turkey, so if Daddy bags a turkey, we are gonna have it mounted and call it Sabre! Just kidding, kiddo. We wouldn't do that. The kids don't know what to name the bird so they haven't named it yet.

Have your ears been ringing? You have been the topic of discussion for the past few weeks. You are so greatly appreciated and missed. We have ALL been talking about you, all good of course. And Mommy has really been talking to you and asking for advice. Hopefully soon I will get an answer. Maybe it's a sign that you are somewhat a procrastinator like mommy, huh?!? I was doing really good lately, but then all of a sudden, I wasn't procrastinating, but nothing was working out for me. What do you suppose that means? Maybe that I should just procrastinate anyway?!? Daddy says no.

Chayton, baby, there are so many other kids with issues that could be bringing them Home. Please help them Home if it's necessary, but PLEASE, give them hope in their hearts if not! Their parents, too. People should NOT have to go through what we did. You sure were a Hero through it all, you fought a good fight and we are forever proud of you, but you had to leave us physically. We choose to believe you are still right by our sides. Know that we love and miss you and that our lives are so much richer for having you in them!!!!!!!!! Each one of us was blessed by you!

Rest Easy Little Man, MADLY~ Mommy, Daddy, Ashley, Gatlin and Sabre. XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Sunday, April 11, 2004 9:25 PM CDT

Happy Easter Baby Boy! We sure do miss you. I talked to G'pa and G'ma Kraft today and they said that they were taking you a surprise. We are all anxious to see what your stone looks like. I don't know if it was set yet. We were told that it could be there anytime between April 15th, and Memorial Day.

We have been thinking about you an awful lot, lately. I have been reading this book by Sylvia Browne and she says that when we smell your special smell that it means that you are here with us. I told G'ma that today and she said that she knew it because remember when she told you that when Abby went crazy that she knew you were here?!? She said that a few times that her and G'pa and a few other people have smelled you and that Abby went crazy!

Gatlin and Ashley thought about you a few times today and they talked about how happy you must be where you are. They started telling Sabre about you and about how you all would play. She listens to them. I am sure that you know that already. Like we have all said before, you knew her before we did.

Daddy and I talked about you quite a bit for the last couple days and I think it has helped us through today. Chayton, you still belong in our arms, and one day we will all be together, but we still hurt for you. We think about why this had to happen to our family. Why did it have to happen to you? It's painful. I read over some of your journal history last night and I was looking at how strong you were and what you went through and how painful it was for Daddy, Mommy, Ashley and Gatlin...and the rest of the family.

Well, baby, the rest we have to say to you we will do as a family tonight before bed. Know that we all love and miss you VERY much and hope to notice you soon. Love you for always, MADLY, Gatlin and Ashley~too. Rest Easy Little Man! (And I am sure Sabre loves you, too, since you were her first sibling that she had the opportunity and pleasure to meet!)

Saturday, April 3, 2004 12:03 AM CST

Things have been so hectic around here baby boy! I haven't written to you in so long and everytime I came here to write to you, I just couldn't do it. I don't know why or what was up with me, but I just couldn't write. I have to tell you that we think of you all the time. As a matter of fact, I tend to call others by your name and then I have that on my mind when I am talking to them. You are greatly missed.

I have started my spring cleaning again. This year I ordered a dumpster. It's time for stuff to go. Don't worry, what we didn't keep of yours, we have set aside for Grandpa and Grandma Anderson to keep at their house for when your cousins come to play there (and siblings). That way, everyone gets to enjoy you. I have talked to Stacy about your clothes and we have decided that I am not ready for that yet. I still have your clothes and probably will for a long time. In a way it bothers me to think that by the time I may be ready to let them go, they may be SERIOUSLY outdated~but I can't bear to think that if I sell them or give them to other friends or family members that I may see them in your clothes. It would kill me I think. Stacy said it's pretty normal to think like that because when her mommy went to heaven, Stacy felt the same way and she said that she carried her mommy's clothes around with her for a long time. She said I will know when the time is right, but that I will still feel strange about it and question whether or not I am doing the right thing.

Your brother turned 8 on the 24th of March. He said that he missed you and wished you were here, but since you weren't that he just wanted to see you somewhere. He had a birthday party at the Pizza Ranch in Iowa. You and Ashley and Sabre got him a Nelly CD and mommy and daddy got him an electric guitar. That's all he wanted. He got other cool stuff too. He said with the exception of your absense, he got everything he wished for and then some.

Sabre went to the Emergency Room the other day. She had a CT scan done on her head. She didn't take it quite as well as you did. She bucked alot. What happened was mommy was writing a letter and Gatlin and Ashley were playing outside. Sabre was in here with me playing with your activity table. Gatlin came in and ran upstairs and forgot to close the pocket door. Sabre sure is quick...before I knew she was even gone, she had already done flips down the stairs. I think it knocked the wind out of her. She just laid there. It scared me and Gatlin so bad. I looked for blood and didn't see any, then I felt for a bump...nothing. All I could think was that if there is no bump, usually that means the swelling is on the inside. I rushed her and the kids to the hospital. Turns out that she had ...hmmmm...*a guardian angel by her side.* The doctor said she had head trauma, and a line dented deep across her forehead, but no other signs and they said she would be fine! So, where were you?!? With your sister?!?

Did you know that Grandma VanderKolk graduated college yesterday...formally! Pretty neat, huh?!? We are so proud of her. Her and Grandpa are doing great.

Grandpa and Grandma Anderson made it home from Texas okay and they are doing really good. They just had a new photo taken of them. It looks pretty nice.

Grandpa and Grandma Kraft have been doing well, too. Grandpa finally got a cell phone. Now they call here more often and they don't just talk to Daddy when they call. They talk to mommy and the kids, too. lol...

Well, I love you Mowgli, and so does everyone else. We all miss you, too. Rest Easy Little Man. MADLY, your family.

Thursday, January 15, 2004 10:36 AM CST

Sweet boy, we love you and miss you more than you know. When we talk about you, it seems that more memories are coming up and in a way that is GREAT, but in a way... it makes us only miss you more. I have to tell you, the kids pray for you every night, and last night, Gatlin said a long...LONG special prayer for you. I can't tell you everything because I was busy trying to give him my attention, and holding back "naughty" baby Sabre:) I do know that he asked for Jesus to take care of you and play with you like he used to do. I'm sure you already know all that was said.

Sabre waved bye-bye to Daddy yesterday for the first time ever from Daycare without crying. Pretty special, huh?!? I think you were there, helping. We all thought you have been hanging around for the last week. So comforting. (But could you tell me how to re-arrange the living room to make everyone happy?) I'm just teasing.

Just think, it won't be long and you will be 4 years old. Can you believe that?!? That's how old Gatlin and Ashley were when you were born. They were so excited. Remember how you and Gatlin were always so close, nobody could come in between you? Well, that's how Ashley and Sabre are. Gatlin loves her like Ashley loved you, but he is a little afraid to get too close. That's okay. We understand that. It's not your fault; it's not anyone's fault. Things just happen that way.

Anyway, I love you. I should go tend to "Sheeba". She's getting upset. (Mommy isn't holding her, you know.) Oh, I was gonna tell you, you passed on your tag trait to her. I have never seen anyone hold their tags to stuffed animals before you... She does! We tell her she got that from you.

Rest easy little man, we miss and love you. MADLY, Love For Always~ Mommy, Daddy, Gatlin, Ashley and Sabre.

P.S. Keep an eye on your grandparents. Grandpa and Grandma Kraft are doing good and keeping busy, but you know how fast that can change with Grandpa's driving (tee hee...) And Grandma and Grandpa VanderKolk are doing good too, but they have been REALLY busy. Colton's helping you.
Grandma and Grandpa Anderson are in Texas. Keep an eye on them and make sure they are safe out there and careful driving. (Seems like they all need extra help traveling). Thanks, big guy. Love you ~ Mommy

Wednesday, December 31, 2003 8:29 AM CST

Dear Chayton~

Hope you like the turtles:) MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR! Did you and Jesus do anything special for his birthday? I'll bet you made it a really good time for him. Hope you had fun at his birthday party. (Wish we could have been there.)

We love and miss you more than you know. Or maybe you do know. As Christmas came and went, you were on our minds constantly. So much so, that we had a difficult time with different areas of our holiday. Not in a bad way on you, baby. We just missed you so much. Your baby sister was in the hospital for almost a week and while I stayed there with her everyday, and Daddy and Gatlin and Ashley came to visit, we all thought of you. She definately has your will and determination, sweet boy.

We thought of what it would be like to have you here opening gifts, knowing that if you were here, Sabre probably would not be. We wish that we could have had the entire package. You, your brother and sister, and of course, baby Sabre. We imagined seeing you play with Sabre, Ashley and Gatlin. We imagined you talking to us. Daddy and I cried quite a bit this year. We thought last year was hard. It gets easier and harder all the same. Words can't describe how lonely it gets when we think of you not being here in our arms.

We have a surprise for you. Today, we paid for your stone! Imagine this, the name of the granite is Indian Black. How appropriate! We didn't realize it until today. The man that served us at the monument place told us that we got you the Cadillac of all stones. We smiled proud. That was exactly what we wanted for you and nothing less. We are saddened when we think that we won't be paying for your College, Wedding, Children, etc. This stone was the least we could do. It is gorgeous! They said it should be set by April 15th, 2004.

Chayton, we miss you so much. I have to ask you for another favor. We need a Chayton fix around here. Can you please come home for a bit? Just visit for a bit. We all have things we want to say to you, but we want to be sure that you hear us.

We watched Finding Nemo with your cousin Colton the other night. We all thought of you... and your love for the beautiful fishies. Mommy and Daddy are always here, baby. Anytime you want to come visit, we are here. Gatlin and Ashley want to talk to you about stuff that they won't tell us, so it's okay if you come at night and see them. I think you already know Sabre, and I think you talk often. She just can't tell us. (She's too little to do that, yet.)

We love you and miss you, little man. MADLY for always. Take Care and remember that one day we will be together again. Looking forward to holding you again. Love for always, Mommy, Daddy, Ashley, Gatlin and Sabre.

P.S. Don't worry, we don't let ANYONE play with "Puppy" and everyone agrees, he was YOUR'S! He is doing well, but he is on display on our little "Chayton Shrine" of shelves in the living room. He's not alone, we talk to him, too. Rest easy, baby boy.

Sunday, December 14, 2003 1:53 PM CST

Hey gorgeous. Just letting you know that mommy, daddy, Gatlin and Ashley still think of you everyday. Today is your big sister's birthday. We played a trick on her yesterday. We told her that she wasn't getting a birthday party. She wanted one so bad. We just told her we couldn't afford it. She stayed with a friend on Friday night, so I ordered a Dairy Queen cake and daddy called family. I picked up a couple of her friends, got some balloons and we all went to the DQ and waited for her to come in. (Her friend's mommy said she was going to bring her up for a cone). When Ashley rounded the corner and saw us all there, she about fell over. She said, "yeah, nice" and turned around. When she turned around again, she was almost crying. It was cute. She even said she wished you were there. Her cake said, "Surprise Ashley, you get a party after all!"

Have you heard everyone talking? Everyone thinks Sabre looks just like you. Not just mommy and daddy. EVERYONE says it. She does. Only you didn't throw as many fits as she does! I know, girls are silly that way. You were pretty silly too, though.

We miss you & love you very much, baby. I have to go. Lots of homework to do. XOXOXO!

Saturday, November 29, 2003 2:09 PM CST

Hello all, Happy Thanksgiving. Sabre had a good birthday and we had a nice turkey day. I read the messages in the guestbook and to answer the question on how to pronounce Sabre's name, it is pronounced "Sayber" if you would sound it out. Like a sabre sword. Shiny and sharp just like our little princess. Gatlin and Ashley are doing great. Looking forward to Christmas, now...and Ash's birthday. Only a couple weeks away. Thank you all for signing in and checking in. I think Tracy was right, Chayton will be hard to forget. It's still a concern, but not as scarey as it once was.

Happy Thanksgiving Chayton, we love and miss you. Take care little man, MADLY for always, your family.

Saturday, November 22, 2003 12:39 AM CST

new photos today... enjoy... Love you Chayton...MADLY, Mommy, Daddy, and kids.

Monday, November 17, 2003 9:58 AM CST

Hello everyone~

It's almost Thanksgiving. Sabre will be one year old on Thanksgiving. She thinks she's two, already. At least she is in that stage. She is a rough little chick. She plays hard with Gatlin and Ashley, but of course, they love it. No fragile baby in our house. (But she is... they take good care of themselves and her when they are playing.) She does a lot of things that remind us of baby Chayton. It's like she knows what to do and when.

We went to Toys R Us yesterday because that is where the kids wanted to spend the allowance they had saved up. Ashley got an African-American baby that smells like baby powder (that Sabre just loves to kiss and hug) and Gatlin got a magician's box so he can "do magic". Sabre didn't get anything because she hasn't emptied the dishwasher, picked up her toys, OR made her bed yet. :) But we did find a toy for her birthday. She saw it, wanted to touch it because it had Dora the Explorer on it, and once she had it in her grabby little nabbers, she wouldn't let it go. It played Dora songs and she danced the entire time we were in the store. When we tried to take it to put it in the cart, she screamed. Along with when we tried to pay for it. Finally, daddy took her out to the car, screaming her tiny, spoiled, little head off, and I paid for it. We put it in the trunk. Darrell said he is actually glad she reacted like that, now he knows she will play with it. (For how long?!?)

After that, we went out to eat. Sabre ate really good. She had fried rice, egg foo young and fried potatoes. I guess when I wasn't sitting there, she would eat knox blocks jello cubes, but I could never get her to eat them before... then when I sat down and Daddy and the kids told me that, I was like, I wanna see this. Sure enough, she wouldn't eat any. Darrell said she was fine until I sat down. She also LOVES soft ice cream. Gatlin and Ashley like Chinese food, too. Ashley always gets white rice with sweet and sour, and believe it or not, Mongolian beef. That stuff is WAY spicey! Gatlin likes chicken on a stick and rice with sweet and sour chicken.

Sabre had ear infections four times in the last month. She has been really cranky and pulling at her ears again, so we thought she had another one coming on. Nope... We took her to ER thinking they would just give her a shot of meds and all would be well eventually. Turns out, part of it is teething, and part is terrible twos... just like the boys! Anyway, he gave her Tylenol with Codiene and let me tell you. The girl was WILD! It was like feeding her a dose of ADHD! They told us that she would get drowsy. (Laughing sarcastically...) Umm, nope. Not our Sabre.

Chayton~
We love and miss you. We have something special to tell you. We are hoping that you will come into our dreams at night. The kids talk about you lots and miss you much. You will Never Be Forgotten and Always Be Loved, little man.

Aunt Missalynn sent me a note that a friend of our's had an aneurysm on Friday and things aren't looking good for her. She is alive, but we are all praying for her. Can you work her into your hectic schedule and keep an eye on her for all of us. Thanks baby.

Love and miss you much, mowgli. MADLY for always,
Mommy, Daddy, Gatlin, Ashley and your little gift, Sabre.

Friday, October 31, 2003 8:13 PM CST

Happy Halloween, Baby Boy!

Mommy and Daddy love you, as do your brother and sisters. For Halloween, Gatlin was a Navy Seal, Ashley was a Gothic Witch, and Sabre was a pumpkin.

Daddy and Mommy didn't dress up. You know that we can be scarey enough... (Big smiles).

Love you, baby, just wanted you to know.
MADLY for always.

Friday, October 24, 2003 2:11 PM CDT

Dreams of Chayton playing around the house. Playing with Galtin and Ashley, and sometimes ignoring Sabre like they do. Dreams of Chayton playing in this fall's leaves, talking about things he wants to help daddy do, telling mommy he doesn't want to come in and get cleaned up. Dreams of Chayton getting ready to go trick or treating, sharing his belongings with Sabre, watching cartoons, ordering which happy meal he wants from McD's. Dreams of Chayton...

It's so difficult sometimes because it can consume a person. I would think all of these things are probably normal, but people who haven't experienced it probably wouldn't think about this. I know before I was kissed by an angel, I always thought that the people who lost a child probably only thought about how that child had left this earth, and the memories they had. NOT TRUE. We focus a lot of activities around Chayton, still. There are certain toys that nobody gets to play with, and only Gatlin, Ashley, Darrell, or I get to handle. Sounds pretty pathetic, I am sure, but we are the only one's that have the sentimental value placed on certain things. When we handle certain objects, the memories come flooding back.

This is pretty much the norm for us, but we feel that we are grieving healthily. We do what we feel is right and are comfortable with that. Every season is hard, but for some reason, it's a different degree of difficult for each month.

About the kids... Ashley and Gatlin are doing WONDERFUL! Gatlin was an honored child at his school (kinda like student of the week, but it's not by grade, it's for the entire school... every week it changes) and he had written his own story that he was to read in front of everyone. Actually, he told the teacher what to write, and he was just going to read it. It said, "Gatlin is a funny kid. He is always trying to make you laugh. I'm a weird kid. Most people are not like me. I am very special. Some people don't even know about me. I like to be funny. Freetime is my favorite time at school. I am good at reading. I like to play with my baby sister. She is a funny baby and fun to play with. She is my favorite sister in the whole wide world, just like my sister, Ashley, is. My mom and dad's name are Dawn and Darrell. Sabre will be one year old soon. Ashley will be eight. I am seven, and turn eight on March 24, 2004."

Well, Gatlin was upset because I had classes all day, and Darrell had to work so he thought no one was going to come and see him. That hurt his feelings. Well, surprise! Daddy took an hour off work and went to the school to see Gatlin, and believe it or not, he got so nervous, he couldn't even read it... he had his reading buddy read it. Darrell told me that and I was like, "What?!?" I told Gatlin to come in there and read it for daddy now. He did, perfectly, accept he reads a little fast. Darrell was SO shocked. (The kids usually have everything done by the time daddy gets home from work, and then it's time to eat, play-time, and bed-time).

Ashley has been practicing stuff to do gymnastics. She is doing well. She gets so bored lately... High strung.

Chayton, love and miss you, Madly for always, mommy is being called away.

Monday, October 13, 2003 10:01 AM CDT

Well, it's been a wonderful weekend. We went on a hayride on Sunday. It was kinda strange. The last time we went on one was with Chayton and it was bitter cold out that day. This time the weather was beautiful, Sabre, Gatlin and Ashley all had a great time. It was through the church. Pastor Bob brought us over a sheet with the information on it and the kids went crazy waiting for the big event. There was a little six year old boy who sat in the back near Darrell and I. It was so cute. He was sitting there talking and all of a sudden he says, "Yeah, I was raised by a couple of fruit loops!" I lost it. It was so funny because his mom was sitting right behind him just in awe of what her son had just said. FUNNY! She was like, "Yeah, he's 6 and RAISED!" Darrell laughed and had to admit that that sounded like something one of our children would say, especially Gatlin.

Saturday night, we were bored to the bone so I decided to paint the kids' faces. They had black lips, black eyeliner on their eyes and white faces. Gatlin had blue spiked hair and Ashley had the "blown" look. Gatlin also had fake peircings on his nose and bottom lip. They were thinking they were Punk! Darrell just laughed. It was something to do. Then I had them come into our bedroom while Darrell watched TV in the livingroom. I told them each to sit down and I got out the camcorder. I started taping as they lay there and chat and then I asked them to talk about Daddy. I bet I recorded at least a good hour of the two of them JUMPING ON MY BED, saying how much they loved their daddy, dancing around the room like freaks. It's all in good fun. I have been making a tape for Darrell of the kids playing and talking without anyone's knowledge, until now. I hope he will enjoy watching it.

Also, on Friday, we were all sitting at the table talking and Gatlin was talking about one of my friends and he said what he would like to say to her because he doesn't care for her. He said that he thought if he were to say it, though, she might slap him for not liking her. Then he said it would be okay, he would just sue her. Darrell and I chuckled...not at him getting slapped but about him suing her. Ashley piped in and said, "Gat, you don't have a lawyer." That was pretty comical.

So, our family is doing pretty well right now. There are always the days of stress and memories, but for the time being, we are moving ahead. We miss Chay more than ever, as each day passes, but we hope he knows how much we love him still today.

Chayton Hunter,
Gorgeous little man, we love and miss you and hope that you are having a good time in heaven. We talk to you often and pray for you nightly. One day, we will all be together again. Rest easy, love you for always, MADLY! Mommy, Daddy, Gatlin, Ashley and Sabre.

Monday, September 29, 2003 10:24 AM CDT

I apologize it has taken so long to come here. I started school today in Mankato, so I thought I would come and peek. Never thinking how emotional I could get just from all those old feelings washing in like new again. We all miss and love Chayton so much that the thought that I held him in my arms once almost seems unrealistic. I know that I did and I know that I am a better person because of him. It just takes so much out of us. We still have our days. Crying seems to be a hobby on certain days. It never goes away. I wonder why I was chosen to take this path. It almost seems so unfair, but on the opposite, we were bonded with a child that brought so much life into us even when he was down. (Which wasn't often).

Gatlin and Ashley are doing great. They are growing up so fast. We have to laugh at Gatlin sometimes because he is growing so fast, his pants always seem short...he's not letting up on the flood:) Just kidding. He knows it. Ashley loves it. She asks for hand me downs alot. Not that she always gets them. He's in the "skate-or-die" mode and I don't find that too attractive for a little girl. They are getting so smart. They're precious.

Sabre is teething and has ear infection. No fun. She is actually getting along well. She is VERY short. Okay, not like dwarf short, but that would be cute, too. She is in the 3rd or 4th percent of height amongst children her own age. She's pretty little. Not too heavy, either. She has two "Sponge Bob" teeth. That's what I call them because when she smiles, she looks just like him. (Sponge Bob Square Pants is a cartoon on Nickelodeon.)

I need to get more pictures up here, I know. I am so awful at that. There are so many things I need to get done. It's important not only to you, but to me and I'm sure the kids would like everyone to see how they've grown.

I have to take a moment and thank you all for NOT forgetting our precious angel baby. It means a lot that you all still think of him. More than I ever thought it would. I always knew I would be upset if anything happened to any one of my blessings, but now I don't have words to describe the actual feelings.

I also need to thank my mom for keeping on me and coming here updating for everyone. She really has carried us on her back as far as that goes. Just thinking I need to come here and say something is exhausting if you can imagine. Everytime I come here, still, I remember sitting at the hospital on the computer in the resource center writing and begging for prayers for my son to live. It's hard because it brings it all back to before he passed, and when he sat on my lap when I was typing about him. He was happy then. I wanted to hold that forever, but then after all that comes back, so does the memory of his last breath, begging him for more, holding him and the other two kids, crying, kissing him, saying good-bye, bathing him for the last time, seeing all those people outside for his candlelight vigil, taking him to the funeral home, laying him on the embalming table, and leaving him there, alone, in the dark. There is more to the memories, but see how fast all of that comes back?!? PAINFUL. Thanks mom.

Oh, I forgot to tell you about my biggest kid. Darrell is doing great. He is not really growing anymore, but that's okay, he's big enough. He is doing fine.

Mowgli,
We love and miss you. You have definately been playing with Sabre, haven't you?!? She does so many things just like you did... signature things of you, and her voice, people even think she sounds like you. You just keep teaching her babe, we all love you and want her to know you, too. Rest easy little man, MADLY, Mommy, Daddy, Ashley, Gatlin and Sabre.

P.S. Hope you like the fishies...:)

Tuesday, July 29, 2003 10:01 AM CDT

Hi this is Dawn's mom. I am talking to Dawn right now on my cell phone.

She and Darrel would like everyone to know that the kids are doing great, and that Gatlin and Ashley's adoption is paid for and should be finalized within the next two weeks.

Gatlin has taken up a new hobby. Eating bugs! Yuk!!
And recently he chewed up a worm to feed a baby bird, because he didn't think momma bird was doing her job.

Ashley likes to wash dishes about twenty times a day. That's a good thing, but how long will it last when she realizes it isn't fun anymore? Ha!

Gatlin and Ashley are doing well for the most part, they have started their own little journal of Chayton memories.

Sabre is a mirror image of Chayton. She pokes her bottom lip out when she's told "NO", and she puts her hands over her ears. Sometimes she puts her hands over her ears just to do it. Chayton did these same exact things. She also is standing a lot by herself without realizing it.

It's been a tough two weeks, it will be a tough two more I'm sure. Chayton's two year anniversary is coming up when we found his tumor. It's hard to get by the days.

I will be back again, rest easy little man.

MADLY: Mom and Dad Love YOU!

Love Dawn, Darrell, Gatlin, Ashley, and Sabre

Monday, June 30, 2003 11:33 AM CDT

Hi everyone, this is Dawn's mother. Dawn wanted me to let everyone know that all is well at the Anderson house.

Dawn and Darrell are having a potluck this weekend on Saturday, July 5 from 1 p.m. to whenever to celebrate Chayton's life and Gatlin and Ashley's adoption. Darrell is adopting Gatlin and Dawn is adopting Ashley. What a wonderful family.

Sabre is growing fast and is as healthy as can be. She's a squealer and likes to hear herself. I guess you all know what that means, right? Ha!

I will be back after the weekend to let you all know how things went. Hopefully, Dawn will have written something herself that she would like me to let you all know about.

Until next time, from our families to yours, we wish you all a safe and happy 4th of July weekend.

The Anderson's, Vander Kolk's, and Kraft's

Love you too little Chayman. See you in our dreams!!!

Saturday, May 10, 2003 11:21 PM CDT

Hello, all. I am here to see all that has been happening and I would like to thank EVERYONE for the support we have received. It means more than you may even know. Even when I can't get to a computer to see, I call friends and family to find out the latest and feel a little reassurance.

Anyway, Happy Mother's Day! As Sunday is Mother's Day, Monday rolls around and becomes our Precious Chayton's 3rd Birthday! We have gifts to take him and will celebrate with him Monday. I will come back to let you know what he got, I just don't want to ruin his surprise...ALL ANGELS CAN READ...Just ask the two 7 year old angels that live in our house, they'll tell you.

Oh, and one last thing. Take it or leave it, but I concider this as giving advice and trying to be on your side when doing so. Just in case you ever encounter a situation like ours and haven't a clue what to say to ease pain or give comfort, from me as a friend... don't ever tell a family that has lost a child and gained another that the second is a wonderful replacement. There is not, nor will there ever be a replacement for human life. NEVER! I was offended the first time I heard it, but now I hear it so often, I almost feel numb to it. I would just hate to think that anyone really believed that when they said it. I know it's tough to think of words when you want to help and there are no words, but it's okay to be silent.

See you soon, Chayton Hunter Anderson, we love and miss you! Rest easy, MADLY!
Mommy, Daddy, Ashley, Gatlin and your little gift Sabre.

Monday, April 7, 2003 9:22 AM CDT

This is Dawn's mother. Dawn asked me to update Chayton's page.

We had a little bit of a scare Friday night. Dawn and Darrell found a lump on Sabre's head the size of a pea Friday mornig. By Friday night it had swollen to the size of a small walnut and was very warm. With everything that happened to Chayton we are all a bit paranoid. Dawn called ask-a-nurse and she suggested they take her in. Glen and I stayed with Gatlin and Ashley.

The hospital did a CT scan and sent them home. (They didn't have anyone there at the time to read it.) About an hour later the hospital called and said everything was fine. Sometimes babies will get 2 soft spots and one can swell like Sabre's did and feel very warm. Thank goodness that was all it was.

Saturday, Gatlin and Ashley had a couple of little friends come over to play. They went outside and played in the snow all day. They had such a good time. Glen and Dawn went to Hutchinson and got some movies for Saturday night and I....got to watch baby Sabre. Saturday night Daddy popped some popcorn and put in a movie. The kids nustled on the floor, watched a movie, and ate popcorn. The fresh air must have done them a world of good, because by 9 p.m. they were both in bed sound asleep...

Sabre, by the way is just a wee bit spoiled to say the least. She doesn't wimper or fuss, she has this blood curddling scream, right from the get go when she wants something. This isn't I'm sure, because Dawn carries her around almost all day long. Ha!!! Thanks Dawn. But she is sooo cute. She laughs and smiles most of the time.

Mommy gave grandpa and I one of your baptism pictures Chayman. You were soo cute and still are.

Until next time, everyone have a great week.

Love and miss you always Chayman. Mommy, Daddy, Gatlin, Ashley, and Sabre. (Grandpa and Grandma V.)

Monday, April 7, 2003 8:38 AM CDT

Hi, this is Dawn's mother. Dawn asked me to update Chayton's page.

We all had a bit of a scare Friday night for a little while.

Dawn and Darrell found a small lump on the top right side of Sabre's head towards the back. It was the size of a pea when it was first discovered. By Friday night, it had swollen to the size of a small walnut. Sabre had been a little more crankier than normal too, so Dawn and Darrell were worried something was going on. Of course we are all a little paranoid yet after what happened to Chayton. Dawn called ask-a-nurse first to see what she thought. The nurse also thought it would be a good idea to take her in right away. Glen and I stayed with Gatlin and Ashley, while Dawn and Darrell took Sabre in to the hospital to be checked over. They did a CT scan and called us at home an hour later. (They didn't have anyone there at the time, able to read it.) Everything check out just fine. Sometimes babies have 2 soft spots on their heads and one can swell and feel warm, just like Sabre's did. We were all able to relax, knowing everything was going to be OK.

Sabre is just a little bit spoiled, I might add. Ha!! Not because Dawn carries her around all day long. She doesn't have to sqeak to get her way. Sabre lets out this big screech that will send anyone to their feet. Where it comes from is beyond me. But Sabre knows, someone will be right there in a heartbeat. It's funny how fast they catch on, isn't it? She is so funny. She won't cry to get what she wants, she just screams...right from the get go.

Gatlin and Ashely are doing great too. They were very good this weekend.

Saturday after lunch the kids went out and played in the snow. They had a couple of little friends over and played all day outside. Grandpa Glen and Dawn went to Hutchinson to get some movies for everyone on Saturday night. Daddy popped some popcorn and the kids bundled up on the floor, everyone ate popcorn and watched movies. The fresh air must have done the kids a lot of good because both of them were in bed by 9 p.m.

We went through some of your pictures this weekend Chayman. Mommy gave grandpa and I one of you with your god parents in the church together. You were soo cute and still are.

Until next time, everyone have a super week.

Miss you Chayman and Love you always Mom, Dad, Gatlin, Ashley, and Sabre. (Grandpa and Grandma V.)

Thursday, February 13, 2003 0:18 AM CST

In MEMORY of
CHAYTON HUNTER ANDERSON

A TEAR fALLS

A tear falls for you everyday
as we try to carry on
Your tender heart is missed so dearly
it's in our arms where you belong

We did all we could to save you
but God had a different plan
So he took you from our loving arms
and made you well again

Now you play in heaven
and the wind blows through your hair
You have everything we wished for you
except us being there

You are the strongest little man
we ever could have known
And one by one our turns will come
so you can take us home

So keep on being good
in heavens little daycare
Soon enough the time will come
when all of us are there.

Miss you MADLY
Always Missed
Forever Loved
Never Forgotten

Mommy,Daddy
Sabre,Gatlin,Ashley
G'Ma & G'pa Kraft
G'ma & G'pa VanderKolk
John Kraft & family
Shawn Kraft & family
Nathan Laydon
puppy & pish posh

Wednesday, December 25, 2002 at 10:33 PM (CST)

My Gorgeous Chayton, we are all wishing you a very merry Christmas with all your new friends in heaven and on earth. We have thought about you and talked to you so many times in the last few weeks, but yesterday and today were two of the three hardest days yet. (The hardest was also the most bitter-sweet. The day we received your blessed gift.)

We miss you more than imaginable, and all of us have thought about you on a daily basis. I'm afraid this baby you sent us is not going to ever have to wonder much about you because we talk about you everyday and tell her how she is your miracle. Sabre already knows you better than any of the rest of us, we are sure, because before she was born, you kept her company...:)

Love and hugs to you gorgeous. Miss you much, MADLY and your siblings, too. Rest easy little man!

The birth was pretty easy. I was to be induced on Wednesday morning, the 27th. Darrell drove me to the hospital and right as we turned the corner, I told him to stop the car. I had a pain that was more like a cramp, but I thought if I moved, I would get sick. Then we went inside, and it happened again. About 2 minutes later, yet again. They took me into the birthing room where they had planned to induce me, and everything had stopped, but I was dilated to almost five cm. They called the doctor and he came in. He decided he was going to induce, but I begged him to just break my water. He said he would give me a pill and break my water in the next couple hours. I told him I wanted this baby out and pain or not, BREAK MY WATER! So he did. His eyes were REALLY big! He looked at the nurse and said, "Get ready girls, she's at 7!" That was at about 8:30... maybe even a couple minutes later. Sabre was born a half hour later at 9:02am. I was told that I was the only person they had ever seen smile through labor and during contractions, no less. I guess I didn't know I was smiling. I did it all natural, and used my mind to focus the pain away. I was focusing on two ceiling tiles, and there he was. Plain as if he were really sitting here next to me now, Chayton was on the ceiling smiling with his hand out playing with a butterfly that kept going from his hand to his nose. He was giggling the whole time. Then all of a sudden, I felt a sharp pain in my business. I tried to climb out of the bed. Darrell laid down on my chest and told me I was doing fine and then the doctor said the head was out. I just looked up to see and with the next push, he told me I had a girl. After a few minutes of arguing with the doctor about whether I had a boy or girl, I accepted that I had a girl, cried a little and apologized to Darrell because I swore I was having a boy, and then by 9:20, I was outside on the cell phone calling home. We didn't have to argue about the baby's name because I told Darrell if I ever had a girl, her name would be Sabre, and fortunately, he likes the name, and for a middle name when we were expecting Chayton, we chose Bailey, and it just stuck. The name debate didn't come until the next day after we were back home. Then I wanted her middle name to be Daryl, like daddy, but spelled differently. He didn't like that at all.

When I told Darrell that I was "watching" Chayton on the ceiling, he said that he knew he was there because he felt him the entire time. How awesome!!! I also had my tubes tied that day. There was a small issue there with the morphine I guess, so Wednesday still has a bit of a stigma, but for the most part, it made it easier because now I know that when Chayton went, he went in peace and there was no suffering.

God Bless everyone, Happy Holidays, and THANK YOU, CHAYTON HUNTER, we tell her all the time that she has the face of a little angel boy! (That's you, BABY!)

Wednesday, November 27, 2002 at 12:14 PM (CST)

CHECK OUT THE PHOTO!!!!
Hi this is Colleen again. I have great news!!! Dawn gave birth to a beautiful, healthy girl, Sabre Bailey Anderson. Sabre was born at 9:02am, Wednesday, November 27, 2002. She was 7 lbs 5 oz and 18" long.

Congrats and God Bless the Andersons!!!!

I haven't gotten to see the little beauty yet but I'm on my way as soon as I update here. Thanks for checking in on my dear friends and for keeping them in your thoughts and prayers. You all are wonderful, caring people.

God Bless,
Colleen

Tuesday, November 26, 2002 at 10:02 PM (CST)

Hi this is Colleen. Dawn wanted me to give you a "little" update. She went to the doc yesterday, and well, the little blessing should be on his/her way VERY soon. If she doesn't have to go in tonight, she is to go into the hospital in the morning and they will induce the labor. So it sounds like by tomorrow (Wed), they will be holding their little bundle of joy!!!

I will also be updating the web page to let you all know the important details as soon as they're hot off the press. So stay tuned for further details.

All of our prayers go out to the Anderson's for a easy, safe delivery and for a healthy precious baby.

Friday, November 08, 2002 at 10:05 PM (CST)

Hi I am Chaytons birthday buddy and a friend of the family my name is Sally fischer.
I am just updating for Dawn since her computer is still down, and I spoke to her tonight and she told me the latest update of her and the baby, it is great news the doctor told her she is ready to deliver the new child. It will be any time and any day from today she is hoping it will be tomorrow but all we can do is wait until her water breaks, she is dilated to 3 and ready. Dawn also asked to mention that eveybody please put bets on when the baby will be here, Gat and Ash have not heard the news about today becuz otherwise they will be so excited.
Both of the kids are doing great and Dawn hopes to updates pictures as soon as she can. Hope everybody keeps the Andersons in there prayers and hope everything goes well for Dawn and Baby when it arrives.
CHAYTON--You have to remember M.A.D.L.Y. Mom,Dad,Gat&Ashley miss and love you very much, and wish that you would come and visit them very soon, or have you been there and they already can tell that you have be there. Well if you have just continue what you are doing then.
Well I am going to close for now and pray that the Andersons will soon have a new addition to the family soon. We will keep you in touch.

Sally Fischer (Chaytons birthday buddy)

Friday, November 08, 2002 at 10:05 PM (CST)

Sunday, November 03, 2002 at 04:33 PM (CST)

We cannot thank you all enough for the support. It means alot and it is an honor to know that you all cared so much for Chayton. As far as the "nasty grams", I have said my peace and I can live comfortably knowing that someone else's problem is not ours. I would like to ask, though, that we not give any more for this person to feed off of. There are so many NICER things to think about. Darrell says he has a good idea who it is, and I personally don't care anymore. If he wants to take it a step further, it won't be on here.

On a better note, Darrell and I attended LaMazze classes on Saturday and WOW! We went twice, four hours each session. Now we are done, but am I confused! I had figured all this time that I was having a baby boy. (By the heartbeat). Now I'm not so sure. It could be a girl. Four out of four deliveries were close to the same heartbeat and all girls! I don't want to know, though. We are looking forward to the surprise. The kids are also playing guessing games. They are placing bets now on when the baby will arrive and hoping that it's at a decent hour so they can be there. Not in the room, of course, but just outside the door to be able to hold the baby right away.

I had to take Ashley to the ER last night for a U.T.I. She was such a big girl about it. We are definately proud of her bravery. (They had said labs and she immediately thought of Chayton and shots. She started to get teary and suddenly beefed up and said, "it's okay, mommy, if Chayton could do it, so can I!") I am so proud of my babies!

Gatlin swears he has been playing with Chayton in Heaven at night. He doesn't even realize it, but we have to put him back to bed often because he is sleepwalking. He cries a lot for Chayton, but when he is sleeping, he talks like Chayton is right there. We don't know if it is from post traumatic stress or if Chayton is really there with him at night. We choose the believe the latter of the two.

It's so funny, I was reading the guestbook entries and someone had written about us going through Chayton's photos in the middle of the livingroom floor. Amazing as it sounds, About a week to a week and a half ago, I was doing just that. I had called a friend and told her what I was doing and she offered to come and sit with me while I went through them. I was so thankful for the offer, but I felt I wanted to cry alone that day. I put them in an album and it's full and I still have enough photos to fill at least two more. The downer is that there are alot of gaps before he was ill. I have tons of little baby pictures of him, but between his 6th and 11th months, I don't have many. I am thankful for what I do have, though! It's like it's hard to even give them to people (wallets from Walmart) because he isn't here anymore and what if something happens to the rest of them?!? Ironic how you think when you lose someone so special.

Speaking of thinking "what if". Darrell, the kids and I have been playing this game at night. It's called the what if game. You ask "IF" questions. Like we asked Gatlin if he could cure one thing to make the world better, what would he cure. He said he would cure cancer. We asked Ashley the same question and she said shots. I asked Darrell if he could touch one person with one finger, living or non, who would he touch. I thought for sure he would say Chayton, but he said Jesus. He said he wouldn't want to use just one finger to touch Chayton, he'd want to remember that the last time he touched him, it was with his hand and with his heart! (Moved to tears). The kids asked me if I were dying, what would I want to do with my life. I said we are all going to die someday, but since they asked, I would want to spend my time doing things with my family that we could ALL enjoy, even if I could only watch. They both asked what that meant... apparently that was too detailed, although I tried to keep it vague. I honestly wouldn't know, but I do know that I would want my family to be there seeing me smile instead of scared.

Today is All Saints Day and Chayton was recognized in Church. I thought it would be emotional, but the only time I really had issues was when we sang Amazing Grace which was after holy communion. We spoke to Pastor Bob about coming to the hospital when the baby is born to have this tiny soul blessed. He said he would be there. Strange, this baby knows Chayton better right now than we do. I think he is talking and teaching the baby before the blessed event of birth. I am starting to feel a little better about it. Physically, I don't think it will be much of an issue, but emotionally, I am still apprehensive. Darrell is like, "no problem, we'll do what we have to do". I am so glad he can be so strong, but he is worried, too. No matter how many times we hear that Chay's illness was a fluke, it's still unnerving.

Anyway, I have been contracting and am getting close. I have already been dilating and the doctor said he is HOPEFUL that I will make it to Thanksgiving. If not, he said he wouldn't stop it at this point. (That's why the kids are guessing at the date of arrival.)

I suppose, I am at Colleen's and while I was here yesterday, I didn't feel like getting on line. My point is, I am keeping her from her phone access by being on line. Thanks again for the support, kind words and prayers. Our family wouldn't be what it is without you! Thanks again, Dawn on behalf of the Anderson family.

Chayton,

We miss and love you, Mowgli. We will be down hopefully soon to see you. Mommy and daddy are a little worried to travel so far with your brother or sister on the way. (We have a feeling you would through a twist at us just so we knew you were there, and as cute as you are, we would rather be here when the time comes:) We will come as soon as we can, and if we have to, and it's taking too long, we will maybe take a day trip if we can. We think about you day and night and miss you ever so much! As always, MADLY and rest easy. XOXOXO Mommy, Daddy, Gatlin and Ashley... oh, and baby, but you know that already, don't you:)

Sunday, November 03, 2002 at 04:33 PM (CST)

Thursday, October 31, 2002 at 12:05 PM (CST)

Dear Friends and "Others",

This entry is not going to be as "sugar coated" as past entries. The reason for this should be obvious considering the entry in the guestbook. For starters, I apologize for something that is beyond my control, but my computer is giving me a hard time, yet again, therefore I am typing this out of my home because I can't get online. It's hard enough that people have to call me and tell me what was written. If this sounds like I am hurt and upset, it's because I am.

To whomever made the statement about me, but don't have the GUTS to sign it with a name is a pathetic excuse for someone who cares about a child who lost life to a monster, or his grieving family left behind. If one cared so much about Chayton, then why would they say such a thing? Like there is anything to update on him. Let's all be realistic. Chayton passed away on Feb. 13th of this year and was laid to rest on the 18th. What more can I say? We miss him, too. Do we have to miss him publicly? Is there no privacy for us? What can I say, really? He doesn't sit at our dinner table waiting for his meals, he isn't there at breakfast when I am rushing to get my other two JUST AS IMPORTANT children ready for school, I don't bathe him in the evenings, I can't teach him his ABC's, and I can't read him bedtime stories anymore, either. This may sound harsh, but what would one expect with such statements about me? That was obviously just another attack on us! No life of your own so you have to sit and live vicariously through a grieving family on your computer, so much so that when nothing is happening, you can't find something nice or supportive to say, all you can do is assume and imply? (SAD BUT TRUE).

Again, as I said, this is not going to be coated in the least. Let's see, you want all the details. Well, we are being harassed about our medical bills that were accrued through the time of his illness and will probably never see financial comfort again without a struggle but are okay with it as long as we know that, we are working on step-parent adoptions and are just getting finished up with that (thanks to our wonderful lawyer), my husband is being dragged back into court for an increase in child support to be paid out, we are trying to keep up with our monthly bills on a lower income, we are expecting another child and trying to stay positive at the same time (which we should be but given the circumstances of Chayton's illness, I guess one would have to REALLY know to understand!), certain family members have excluded themselves... long before now... but place blame on others instead of taking responsibility for their own actions, Christmas is just around the corner and we don't even know how we are going to give the kids the clothes they need, let alone toys, my husband is having issues with his back, our daughter has issues and has to see a neuro-psychologist due to a chemical imbalance, our son cries all hours of the night because he misses his brother and at times it continues through the day, our car broke down in September and is still not running, Chayton's funeral is still not paid off, our precious son will have to go his first winter without a stone to mark his place with at least 3 feet of snow at times, we haven't been able to visit his resting place since August, my husband was accused by a creditor of hiding behind our son's illness (another idiot), and I am going back to school myself and trying to juggle everyday life to ensure that I can... and to top it all off, someone has to bring their stupidity to this page and make an attack on me. So here I sit, giving you the gory details so you can rest comfortably tonight. Let's re-evaluate in a "sugar coated" way. Times are tough, Chayton, baby, we sure do miss you. We have our days, but we would give ANYTHING to have you back. How's that?

(This page was created for Chayton, not for us to come whining about our daily trials and tribulations). This page is for CARING, NURTURING, COMPASSIONATE, GOD FEARING CHRISTIANS, FRIENDS, FAMILY AND OTHERS GOING THROUGH THE SAME SITUATION updated on our son's condition and hopefully to get prayers to help save his life. I cannot thank people enough for all they have done and I have said it before. However, why am I targetted? OH, I get it, because I started the page... Not to be conceited, but HEY, thanks for the credit!!:)

I can only ask so many times that you only come here if you DO care about our family. As far as the statement that I only updated when we needed something is a CRAP statement. Now when we need it just as badly, do you see me asking? If you do, I must be missing it myself. Now, half of you are upset with me for telling you the truth about our everyday life concerns, a quarter of you are upset with me for even responding to such an ill minded person, and the last quarter of you are saying, "YEAH, Dawn, It's about time!" From here on out, if you don't give a rip about how we are doing... trying to get along... other than to only sit back and smile at our mishaps and pain, find a different site to go to because you don't belong here! Now I know why so many people closed their pages when their child passed.

To all of you who are still praying for us and supportive of our family, we thank you so much and only wish there were other ways to express our appreciation. Thank you for defending me, also. That really means ALOT! It feels pretty lonely at times when we have to endure all of this, and it's almost humiliating to have our attacks publicized.

Chayton, baby, we love you and miss you dearly, listen for us tonight. We will be trick or treating for angel kisses in our sleep. We have treats for you, too. Sorry this had to go on your page, you deserve so much better, Mowgli. XOXOXO MADLY and so do Ashley and Gatlin. Rest Easy, Little Man. Love you so much!

Thursday, October 17, 2002 at 08:09 AM (CDT)

WOW! What is time?!? I haven't signed in for over a month. Darrell said we need to get back on more often, I somewhat agree. And I apologize for leaving you hanging.

The kids have been doing fairly well in school. We are proud of them, that's for sure. They are growing so fast. I look at them and wonder where Chayton would be right now. Gatlin is getting so tall and Ashley is right behind him. Kinda strange since she is older, but they are both growing up. (They're still my babies, though.)

This baby is also growing. We went to the doctor on October 9th so Darrell could see what we are having and during the ultrasound, we couldn't tell. I was okay with that because surprise is good. Darrell wasn't too disappointed, either. He said it would have been nice, but instead, we got to see other things, like that the baby is a left handed thumb sucker. It was pretty funny. Doc took a picture for us so the kids could see it when they got home, too.

I was told I could go early, yeah! I am due on Thanksgiving Day, but I could go as early as November 7th. I am hoping to, Darrell wants a butterball, Ashley wants the baby to wait until December and Gatlin wants it now so he can take the baby trick or treating... yeah, like that would happen:)

Dearest Baby Boy, Chayton Hunter,(Always Missed, Forever Loved, Never Forgotten)~

I was urged to write a letter to you. (Like I have done so many times before) but this one has structure. There are points in which I was asked to cover. I did exactly that. Here goes...

What I wish I would have said to you... what a tricky line. There are so many things. I think I said all the important things, only I wish I would have said them more often. I wish I would have told you how much we all loved you and still do a million times a day. That you were created out of a love so strong, and when times got tough, you became the glue and we are so gratefully sorry for that. I wish I would have told you more that you were my hero and that you are the STRONGEST man I have ever known in my entire life. You'd even said it yourself, "I'm the man!" and you didn't even know how right you were. Pride doesn't even begin to touch on how we felt about your strength and courage. I wish I would have told you that I would miss you, but I was afraid to scare you.

What I wish I would have done... I wish I would have listened to my intuition when nobody else would, and had NEVER taken no for an answer before the tumor was confirmed. Everytime they told me you were fine, I reluctantly listened to the professionals and brought you back home to battle with myself knowing something was wrong. When I finally fought back, it was too late. I am sooo sorry, Chayton. I wish I could turn back time. I also wish I would have home schooled Gatlin and Ashley so you could have had more time with them, although you did have quite a bit... they missed more than a month of school to be with you, and it was worth every second! I also wish I would have figured out a way to take away all your pain, along with Daddy's, Gatlin's and Ashley's. I just didn't know how. I still don't. We all ache for you. One wish that I have is one that I could have changed. I wish I would have slept with you every single night instead of staying at the Wassie Center with everyone. I wish I would have pulled you in bed with us from the time you were born so you would have had to have slept with us! I wish I would have created that monster so many parents told us about. I wish I could have held you longer, and I wish we could have loved all your pain away. I WISH WE COULD HAVE SAVED YOU!

I wish I could ask you... if we loved you enough. We did our best, but was it enough for you? Why did the tumor win? I know that is a question that you can't answer, but if we could have loved it away, did we?!? I wish we could have asked you what we could do for you in your life. In your final months, weeks, days, hours, seconds. Chayton, we would have done anything! ANYTHING!

I wish I hadn't said to you... I wish I hadn't said how much I needed you. You were the child, the one suffering. I wish I hadn't told you that we needed you so badly because if you had known you were going to be with Jesus, maybe that hurt your heart, too. I wish I hadn't asked you for one more breath. To fight harder. You, my precious, fought with more strength and dignity that either Daddy or I ever could have!

I wish I hadn't done... Daddy and I wish we never would have debated near you. We would take that back a million times over if we could, so all you could see were how we felt blessed to have you in our lives. I wish I had protected you better so you never would have gotten that MONSTER. I wish we wouldn't have head banged in the car even though it was so much fun. That must have hurt and yet you smiled and laughed all the time. If only you could have told me. Such a bitter-sweet memory. I wish I hadn't let other people's ignorance and sometimes stupidity get to me when you were ill. I wish I had been more focused. I wish I hadn't just sat there silent for so long when we would take you somewhere where people would stare and you would get so upset. I should have spoke up sooner. That still angers Daddy and I. Sometimes, baby, you have to expect people to look, but you were right, sometimes they were RUDE!

What I wish you hadn't done... The only thing I wish you hadn't done, sweetheart, was listen to mommy when I begged you for that last breath the night before. I wanted to take it all away, but felt like I caused you to suffer with my stupid request. Had you not listened to me, you would not have struggled for those last 16 hours and 37 minutes. You were always so good. I wish you wouldn't have listened to me.

What I would like to tell you now... the list will never end. Thank you and we love and miss you is on the top of the list right now, but otherwise, there is not enough bytes of storage on a computer to tell you everything. Listen at night, we all talk to you then. You will get the details of what is on our minds then, baby.

I'm sorry you had to leave. I would have taken your place in a second. I love you little man and I always will. You are forever ours! Hugs, kisses and balloon wishes to our Hero in the sky. Rest easy Mowgli, MADLY!!!

~Mommy

Monday, September 09, 2002 at 07:41 PM (CDT)

WOW! It has been a while since I have checked in here, but things seem to be going along rather quickly...

Darrell and I have just spent the last week up north bear hunting. Neither one of us had much luck. He didn't see anything and I had a couple cubs come in and then wild dogs. Darrell had mentioned just before we left to go up there that someone had planted a bad luck tree in our front yard. I joked that for as much bad luck as we have been having lately, we are pretty lucky people!

From the last time I was on, when I was on my way home from Iowa with the kids, we ended up on the side of the road outside of Mankato... the tranny went out in my car. We can't afford to get it fixed right now so we are down to one vehicle...the truck. Makes life interresting.

The kids started first grade. They seem to be enjoying themselves. They say they like school so far. That's a good sign considering it's a new school and the first week. They were in Iowa last year. Quite a change.

The baby is growing and seems to be doing fine. This is actually the easiest pregnancy. Daddy is playing quite a bit with the baby so now when it's time to lay down and go to bed, if Darrell talks, the baby starts kicking and playing. That daddy, already getting going on playtime...!

Chayton Hunter,
Baby boy, we sure do miss you. I hope you don't think for one minute that we have forgotten you. You know, if you eavesdrop, you will hear us talking about you all the time when we aren't talking directly to you. Man, we miss you. Mommy and Daddy sure do wish we could hold you and hug you and kiss you some more. I get so sad when I see other little one's your age running around playing. I am happy for them, but my heart feels like it bleeds out for you. Nothing will ever take that pain away. I know that. I will always cry for you and I will never forget you. I know that. Anyone who tries to tell me different, Chayton, or your daddy, we just listen but we know how we feel. Yeah, the pain may lessen with time, but for us, it seems to become more intense for us right now.

I thought about it today and you know, I thought...I can't imagine 10 or even 20 years from now telling someone that we lost our son. I can't imagine your brother or sister talking like that when they are older either. I don't feel like we have really lost you. In a way, it's like you are still here and on the flip side, it's like it was all a dream that we were even lucky enough to have had you grace us with your presence to begin with.

We all look forward to the day we will all be together again. We have been talking alot about moving, etc... it will be a while... but we are seriously going to take the door knobs and locks with us so you will always have your key to get back in... and you are always welcome. Love you little man, for always... Mommy, Daddy, Gatlin and Ashley...and your little gift in my tummy. (Hey, what have you been teaching this little one, anyway? Your newest little sibling has been playing with Daddy like you always did when you were a baby. Silly kiddos!) XOXOXO MADLY

Monday, August 19, 2002 at 10:49 PM (CDT)

Gatlin, Ashley and I are in Iowa for the night until tomorrow. My cousin's little man, Adam, passed away on Saturday morning, so we came down for the wake and funeral. He had been ill for a while. He was 12 years old. The kids have done well so far. The ride down was another story, but they're just kids.

Last week was really tough. The thirteenth was a day to try to get beyond things again, and it didn't happen. It is so hard. Just saying the words, "Chayton has been away for six months" was heartbreaking. God, we miss him. We talk to him every day and night, but it isn't the same. The weirdest part is that when we sit back and look at the big picture, we thought it was bad then, but we didn't have a clue. Day by day, it just gets harder. We see things, hear words spoken, smell scents and immediately, we think of how missed he is and loved he is.

I can't believe how different life is without him. I can, but it just seems so hard to sleep most of the time. Like I want to just get up, go get Chay, walk around the dark house and sing to him.

The baby is moving quite a bit, now. I think "he" is really anxious to come and see the rest of the family. I don't know how I feel about it, but at the same time, I do. It's a strange feeling.

People have asked why I haven't gone back to work and the answer is simple. For the most part, at first, my life was in turmoil and I don't think that I was emotionally ready. Then, when Darrell and I discussed it, at this point, it would be senseless to get a job before I have the baby. I only have three months to go. I am also planning to start classes for EMT in September and by the time the baby is born, I can get going with that. Then I am going to go back to school, AGAIN! I know people are concerned about the fact that I have nothing to occupy my mind, but the fact is, I do. I have two six year olds who keep me on my toes!

Thank you all for the continued support, prayers and for the birthday cards...MOMMMMMM! Really, I do appreciate it. And remember, Digger's birthday is September 20th, and he will be a whopping 33! YEAH!

Chayton,
Baby, we love and miss you more than imaginable. Mommy and daddy look forward to the day we will all be together again. We know that you are taking good care of our baby right now, and we hope that we can make you proud! LOVE YOU. MADLY!!!!!!!! Miss you little man.

Friday, August 09, 2002 at 08:38 PM (CDT)

Hi everyone, again this is Dawn's mom, and just wanted to let you all know that it is Dawn's birthday tomorrow, Saturday, August 10. She will be 28 years young. I forgot to let you all know the other day when I updated Chayton's page.

If you get a chance please send Dawn a birthday card.

Dawn Anderson
605 N. Main
Winthrop, Mn 55396

This would mean a lot to her, even though it would be belated, she could use the uplift. Some days are still quite hard, but she is doing the best she can, as well as Darrell, to deal with the past year.

A card shower for her birthday won't heal the deep wounds, she has had this past year, but I'm sure it would be a great surprise and lift her spirits a little bit.

I'm sure Chayton is sending hugs and kisses to mommy from heaven on her big day.

Thanks to all of you who visit Chayton's page and have a great day.

Love you Chayman, Grandma and Grandpa V.

Friday, August 09, 2002 at 08:38 PM (CDT)

Wednesday, August 07, 2002 at 11:58 AM (CDT)

Hi, this is Dawn's mom, Sharon K. Vander Kolk. Dawn has asked me to give everyone a little update on what is going on at the Anderson household. Well here goes.

Everyone is doing just great, including our new little blessing that is on the way.

Tentative plans for Friday are as goes, Dawn, Darrell, Gatlin, and Ashley are planning to go on the Cancer walk in Chayton's name. They are really looking forward to it. As I mentioned, nothing is set in stone as of yet. A lot can change between now and then with kids.

Dawn has some new pictures with Chayton super imposed in the top corner with Gatlin and Ashley looking up at him. Beautiful!!! Dawn is hoping to put them on Chayton's web page soon.

Dawn said to mention, she is very sorry about not updating lately, but her web is down again, but hopes to have everything back in working order within the next two weeks.

We are going up to Dawn and Darrell's for the weekend this Sat. morning. Yippee!! We are going to see how much Gatlin and Ashley are growing through the summer. They are just super and full of energy. Mom and Dad have to get up pretty early in the morning to keep up them. Hah!!

Well, everyone have a super and safe week and we will be back to tell you more after the weekend.

Dawn, Darrell, Gatlin, and Ashley send their love to all.

Monday, July 29, 2002 at 04:11 PM (CDT)

Hello. Sorry it has been so long since we have been on, but things have been pretty hectic around here, again, to say the least. Gatlin is in Iowa now and Ashley is back here with us. (She got to stay first this time.)

The kids have been really good, lately, aside from not knowing who is the child, and who the parent...but I think all kids hit that stage. For the most part, they are doing well, though.

I don't really have a lot to say about the pregnancy right now because everything seems to be happening and we seem to be missing it. There are a lot of times that I sit there and forget that I am pregnant. It doesn't help that there are some days that maternity clothes are too big, so I am back in my jeans, and then WHAMO again... It's weird, like the little guy is playing tricks on me. I have an appointment the day after tomorrow, so I will let you all know how all is going, then. I am now 5 and a half months along and the only real side effect I have been getting lately is headaches. Other than that, there are times that I have really bad cramping, but that goes away and everything is back to normal.

I suppose, this is short and boring because Ashley and I need to get going and get some groceries so we can feed daddy. She also misses Gatlin and wants to call him tonight.

Thanks for all the continued support. The Andersons

Chayton~
Mommy and Daddy love and miss you very much and hope that you are having fun playing in Heaven. We sure do miss you somethin' fierce. We think about you all the time and talk about you. It seems that the memories are more real than when things actually happened. I can't tell you just how much we miss you because my heart breaks. Love you little man. Rest Easy. MADLY and so do Gatlin and Ashley.

Sunday, July 21, 2002 at 08:19 PM (CDT)

D-day is here and gone. There are no words that can really express July 18th. Darrell and I did have a tough time and there were periodic tears shed throughout the day. Ashley didn't do too bad, but she had a few "moments" as well. Gatlin did great all the way up until supper and bed times. He cried BIG tears and wanted Chayton back. Daddy and I tried to do our best to comfort him, but for the most part-all we could do was tell him we all feel that way. Daddy did most of the talking because I would choke up. (We hadn't even told the kids what day it was). Strange, we thought, that they would release again on a day with such significance.
We decided we were going to see Chayton over the weekend, so on Friday, I packed the kids, helped load the camper while Darrell and his friend, Jason, loaded the truck and we set off Friday afternoon.
We picked up our nephew, Colton and brought him with us camping Friday. On Saturday, the kids played in the river, we saw the animals-including an ostrich, a camel, and an alligator, then went bike riding. When the day started getting long, we went tubing down the Little Cedar River.
John and Missalynn camped out with us on Saturday night. We had a blast and Sunday promises another good day. We are going canoeing down the Big Cedar River. We'll spend a lot of time by Chayton and we'll make plans to do it all again.
The staff at the River Ranch Campground made our stay VERY memorable to say the least! The campground is about a mile from the infamous Little Brown Church in the Vale and about two miles from Chay.
Oh, and I should tell you. Both front teeth of both of my babies are loose, loose to the point that around 2 a.m., Gatlin got up to ask for a drink and spit his tooth(one) out in mid-sentence!
All in all, what a weekend to make us feel a bit better?!? Darrell and I shared MANY memories of our little man and there were SO MANY TIMES we wished he were here in person, rather than spirit, but we managed. God Bless and thank you all for the continued support.

Dawn, Darrell, Gatlin and Ashley Anderson

Thursday, July 11, 2002 at 01:51 PM (CDT)

Hello, all. Just thought I would drop a line to let you know that things are going fairly well around here. I am getting ready to head out to Mankato with the kids for a bit. I am going to download a couple photos, quick, too.

Yesterday was a fun day. I took the kids out in the rain to play and splash around in the puddles. People driving by probably thought we were crazy, but that was okay with us. They had a blast and talked about Chayton the entire time.

Daddy and I are doing grand, and baby is getting a little crazy bouncing around in there. Thanks for all the support and kind words that mean so much to us. We really appreciate it.

Chayton,
MADLY, Rest Easy little man. We really miss you, but there hasn't been much time between conversations and thoughts of you. XOXOXO!

Monday, July 08, 2002 at 08:38 AM (CDT)

The weekend went pretty well. We were able to have a potluck get together for Chayton in memory of his life and it turned out great. My parents got together and planned a party for him and for our neighbors who knew Chay and others. It was just going to be like a small potluck get together with pop and beer and it turned out that we had fireworks Saturday night (the night of the event) and one of Chayton's followers and living angels sent balloons for the event. We kept them for decoration, and just before the fireworks started, we took one set (there were two) of balloons out and handed them to all the kids and there were two left, so Daddy and I held them. We all counted to three and let them go for Chayton. There were lots of tears when that happened, but it was awesome because it wasn't quite dark, they were red, white and blue, and they were let go close to the same time, but not exactly, and they all stayed together! (Thanks Tracy and Brian!!!! You are awesome!)

As it was put in the guestbook, Chayton surely had the best seat in the house!

Chayton, baby, we love and miss you very much. We did alot of reminiscing this weekend, and buddy, you are the brightest little star in the sky! We sure wish you could have been here. Hope to dream of you, soon, sweet boy. Mommy, Daddy, Gatlin and Ashley are getting a little edgey about your anniversary coming up. We hope it won't be as difficult as we are expecting. We are trying to take it one day at a time. Sweet Dreams, Mowgli. MADLY and Rest easy. Miss you, little man!

Thursday, July 04, 2002 at 08:09 AM (CDT)

Happy 4th of July!!!!!!

It's really a rough time for us because it will be a year coming up that Chayton was dx. July 18th, to be exact. I really dislike this month.

Gatlin and Ashley played yesterday sooo good. They are waiting for the mosquito season to be over, but they love summer. Can't really blame them. The squites are terrible this year.

Darrell and I have been trying to lay low but for the most part, we have many friends and family who are making sure that we keep our minds on the top side.

Something happened a few weeks ago that I'd like to share. We went to the races in Arlington and Ashley and I sat in the stands while Gatlin and Daddy were in the pits. Daddy was busy and Gatlin was just hangin' out for the longest time. Ashley and I were having a blast. Not knowing what was going on below. Suddenly, the final feature race was upon us and when you stand up and wave at all the cars, Ashley was so excited because her favorite driver waved at her. Then, here comes her daddy on the 4 wheeler, pushing a sprint car to get it started (that's how it's done), and she stood up and waved to beat the band, but Daddy didn't see her and didn't wave back. She was so upset. Then, around again they come, pace car in front. Ashley was still standing on the bench in front of me and she really got excited. She was screaming, "That's Gatlin! There's Gatlin, mom!" I told her she must be going crazy because Gatlin wouldn't be in the pace car. Sure enough...the next time around, there in the pace car, up pops Gatlin's little head with a big grin, smiling, waving and screaming back to Ashley that he saw her! That made everything all better. Like kissing a not so terrible ouie! She was still disappointed that daddy didn't wave, but Gatlin saved the day. Isn't it strange that now, after all we've been through, there are some things that you just can't help but smile at...I mean REALLY BIG?!? The following week, both the kids met their favorite 17 year old driver in person, Dustin Lindquist. He won that night and the kids wanted to meet him so bad, but I told them maybe another day. As we were walking to the pits, he asked Gatlin if he wanted to sit in his sprint car. Then he gave each of the kids a signed photo of him in his car. They were so excited. The week after that, Daddy and Gatlin went but Ashley and I stayed home. Dustin rolled his car and as far as I know, which may not be 100%, Dustin's car was a loss. He walked away, though, which is the most important thing. It's a good thing we didn't go, he's her favorite.

Chayton, baby~
We love and miss you more than you know. We can't wait 'til this weekend. You be up in the sky watching for all the fireworks. They're for you, too, you know.

Mommy's friend, Jill, that came to the hospital with you the night we found out, etc...she is doing a cancer walk and she is making a lit candle bag for you. I can't wait to see it. So many people have done cancer walks for you, kiddo. Mommy and Daddy would like to do one, too. We are planning on it. We just don't know when for sure.

Did you know that everyone sees puppy, still. He lays right on the back of the couch, just above where you laid. We are so proud of you, little man. Every time we think about you, we smile. All of us. There was a thunder storm and Tia told Ashley that was you in Heaven and now she isn't as scared. She says, "That's our brother, winning a bowling match!" Gatlin just says that God cried for someone else today. Sometimes he says God cried really hard. Like the day we laid you to rest. (He still doesn't care much for the thunder!) Mommy and Daddy just listen to them and they make us smile. They love you so much, Mowg.

I suppose, I should be getting something done around here. MADLY, Chay, Rest Easy, Little Man. We miss you much. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Tuesday, July 02, 2002 at 09:57 AM (CDT)

Wow! It's been almost a month since my last update. Sorry about that. Alot has been going on and to say the least, life is still not normal. The kids are doing fine. They are growing every day and amaze me somethin' fierce!

Darrell and I have been doing fine, too. It's alot of work just trying to move forward. It feels good to let the feelings out, though. The one's who really care about us don't turn their backs, and are ever so supportive, which REALLY helps!

Chayton is still in our hearts and we still talk to him all the time. I was telling Dennis lastnight (our neighbor) that I can't imagine one day saying "It's been five years!". I don't ever want to have to say that, but at the same time, I am sure that it will be said. He helps us out alot and tells us things to expect down the road...that may or may not happen. For the most part, we are handling things pretty well.

The baby is doing fine. I am half way there and I am at 140 pounds! WOWZA! I haven't decided if we are going to find out for sure or not, but I am sure we are having a boy. The heart rate yesterday was between 135 and 137. (BOY). Either way, all we wish is for the baby to be healthy.

Gatlin gave Ashley a ride on his motorcycle for the first time yesterday. It was so cute. She would never get on with him before, but last night she just said, "Mommy, I'm hoppin' on for a ride with Gat so I have to get some pants on." I was like, "Okay." I got some photos of it, but I would like to get some more.

Chayton,
MADLY! We miss you like crazy little man! Grandma sent us a poem that she has in her little Chayton garden. It really says it all.

If tears could build a stairway
And memories a lane
I'd walk right up to Heaven
And bring you home again.

Isn't that the truth?!? I would be right there to carry you giggling and laughing all the way back home. Some days are almost unbearable and others are just bearable. It's hard living without you. Mommy and Daddy talk about you all the time. We have a plan. We are going to have family photos taken, then one of me and Daddy, then one of Gatlin, Ashley and the baby and in all three of them, you will be superimposed in the backgrounds! It will be like you are right there with us in our family photos. We don't feel right having a family photo without you. It's painful, the thought of it, you know.

I should get going. Mommy and Daddy, Gatlin and Ashley love and miss you much baby boy! Rest Easy, little man. Oh, mommy has been walking lots lately to keep her mind clear (and keep in shape) so if you want to go along, you are more than welcome. Your birthday buddy, Sally, goes lots, too. LOVE YOU MOWGLI!

Friday, June 14, 2002 at 09:03 AM (CDT)

Sorry it's been so long. I have been doing other things trying to get our lives back to "normal". (Or as normal as it can be.)

Gatlin and Ashley are doing pretty good. Gatlin has been coughing up scabs and has pain every now and then, yet. Ashley is doing all she can to make him feel better, rubbing his back, talking and singing to him, etc.

There are no words to express the day yesterday. We were really bummed out to say the least. It seems to get a little more difficult as the time passes. It almost seems like more of a dream. Rather, nightmare. Chayton is still with us in our hearts every single day! There is nothing that can ever take that away.

Chayton,

Did you see what we've been up to? We have a fish tank set up for you right beside the TV. Mommy got a wild hair one day and decided to rearrange the livingroom. Gatlin, Ashley and Daddy had no choice but to help. Once we got started, your brother and sister got bummed, and so did mommy because we always said we wanted to keep it in the same place so that you would remember when you came back to visit, but something told us we had to do something different. We have "your end" of the couch facing right at the tank for you to see all your "pishes". Pish Posh is doing well. He is a little displaced, sitting on the kitchen table, but right now, with all the other stuff going on, that is the best, SAFEST, place for him. He is growing and swimming like crazy.

Gatlin and Ashley really miss you. They each go to bed at night and say your little prayer. Then smile. They also have to have their stereos on when they go to bed because someone told them sweet music is what you heard when you went to sleep the last time, so they have their stereos right next to their beds. Gatlin likes listening to CD's and Daddy's kinda music. Ashley likes the CD's in the day, but at night, she listens to Mommy's tunes. They each have a CD in your memory. It's pretty neat. Ashley's favorite song is Fly, Fly Little Wing, and Gatlin's is Hero. They sure do like different stuff. I bet you would love it all.

Mommy put pictures up all over in her car of you, and there are some of the rest of the family with you. I also put them up in Daddy's truck of you and the family and some of just you and Daddy. That made daddy feel really good. He needed that, I thought. Now we all have our guardian angel with us wherever we go. And you are looking right back at us! The kids even stare at you once in a while. They talk about you EVERY SINGLE DAY!

We miss you, Mowgli, and we will fight our hardest to never forget you. (We can't make promises if we make it past 80.) We love you as much today as we did any other day we were able to hold you in our arms. Possibly more.

I was going through your baby book, the other kids' baby books and all your kids' journals. Boy, mommy slacked there for a while. It broke my heart to see how long I had gone in between. Lots of things make me cry, now. I don't know why. I think I got really weak there for a while, and now I am just able to realize how weak I was. Daddy, too. There is something totally different about losing your baby. I don't know that it is harder or not, but I know the pain is different.

Rest Easy, Little Man, and know that we love you and miss you much...FOR ALWAYS!!!!!MADLY!

P.S. Watch your daddy on Father's Day this weekend, you will love it! (And so will he!)

Thursday, June 06, 2002 at 01:32 PM (CDT)

It is another emotional day. I was going through books, papers, photos, etc. and all I could do was think about our precious little Chayton and tears would well so big that I could hardly see. The lump in my throat was so big, I didn't want to even swallow for a long time. (I think I have an idea what it must feel like to have a tonsillectomy).

There was another loss in the rhabdoid communtiy. Noah Currey earned his wings and soared with Jesus this morning. It is so hard to know that these little people who fight so hard don't get the chance to explore the driving, dating or parenting experience. They deserve so much more. Maybe they get it in the next place. I can only imagine and hope.

Gatlin and Ashley have just started memorial books for Chayton. They are doing wonderful. They are both different people, and it definately shows, and I am proud of each of them for their willingness, strength, courage, and intellegence to do this independantly.

I would like to, again, thank everyone for the continued support. It was once said that it all stops once the child is better or goes on to soar with the angels. I never thought it was so, but I must say, it certainly has diminished. For the support we do still receive, we are more than grateful.

Chayton,
Are you watching over us? We sure do miss you, baby. I think I may be "flattening" "Puppy". When I lay down to sleep, I kiss him and tell him how much I love and miss you. The kids talk to you every night and Daddy talks to you all day long at work. We miss you something fierce, little man. There are so many things we all wanted to tell you, and to do with you, and we never had the chance. It's painful to think of all the plans we had for our future as a family.

I got a book the other day. It was about you and the baby you left behind. It says how you plan to be his/her guardian angel. Gatlin and Ashley believe you are their guardian angel, too. Hugs and kisses. Gatlin, Ashley and M.A.D.L.Y!!!!!!! Rest Easy, Little Man. XOXOXO

Wednesday, June 05, 2002 at 12:17 PM (CDT)

Gatlin's surgery went well. He is now home and doing fine. There were a few issues concerning his neck...they thought had they hyperextended it the way they were supposed to, he would be a quadrapaleygic (sp), so they just did it with him laying down normally. He did have pain, but is feeling alright now.

We saw MANY of Chayton's Doctors and Nurses. They were all so kind and it really helped us in a way. We were uncomfortable for the majority of the time, but then again, things around there haven't changed much.

Dr. Bendel, Chayton's oncologist, is going to e-mail another doctor to see if everything will be okay with this pregnancy. We are all hopeful that there will be no issues.

Thanks to everyone for helping us out with the support. It's just as important now as it was when Chayton was here, and in a different way, just as needed!!!

The Anderson's.

We Finally Named Our Son

Our baby was officially named three times before we left the hospital. We left with our son, Hunter Haze Anderson. Darrell drove us over two blocks to the pharmacy. He sat in the car with Hunter Haze, while I ran inside, or waddled, to get meds for baby and me.

While inside, at the register, the pharmacist congratulated me and asked what we named our �baby Anderson�. I completely lost all composure, holding my face in my hands, sobbing out of control. Once I had the bag in my hands, I was out the door, still fighting myself and trying to remember what we actually named him. (It�s amazing I can remember now, as if it were happening right before my eyes). When I made it to the car, Darrell asked what was wrong. I was so embarrassed when I confessed that I was so used to calling him �Chayton�, that I couldn�t remember his name. Darrell said we were definitely going back to the hospital to try again. When we arrived, I thought the nurses were all going to fall over. We filled out the fourth birth certificate naming him Hunter Chayton Anderson. Within about ten minutes, we were so exhausted and the staff must have been absolutely homicidal. One last time, we asked to give him yet another name, this his final. Unfortunately, we had used up every last birth certificate form they had left. We would have to come back on Monday or Tuesday to name him, but not without agreeing first.

I cried all the way home while Darrell remained quiet. Finally, just before reaching our home, he asked why I was still crying. I had told him that I was afraid something may happen to our baby and he would always be remembered as �baby Anderson�. Just that thought scared me half to death, and I couldn�t get away from it, it seemed.

When we pulled into the driveway, Dennis and Maryanne Nelson yelled over a warm welcome home. The didn�t know we had the baby yet, they were at the lake for the weekend, but could have figured as much as they had already predicted that I would go into labor on opening weekend of fishing. They were pretty quiet when I told them that our son didn�t have a name yet, through my gasps of air with the silent sobs. Darrell piped in and told them that he does, it�s just not official.

Making our way inside the house, Gatlin, Ashley, Grandpa and Grandma Kraft, and our friend, Jill, were all anxiously waiting to see and hold our newest addition. I was an emotional mess while everyone else passed our son, awing over him. I stepped outside to get away from MYSELF. Then came my dad, Gatlin and Ashley. The kids were blowing bubbles from the little pokemon ball of bubble fluid their brother supposedly bought for them for being his big sister and big brother. Dad carried the camcorder around, and me, my Marlboro.

The evening flew by without any discussions about naming the baby. Or if there were, I must have missed them. I soaked in bath after bath, climbing out only to rerun the warm water and check on the baby, who was still being handed back and forth between everyone. �If I didn�t have to heat up the water�, I remember thinking, �I could fall asleep in here�.

By the next day around one o�clock, Darrell and I were on our way back to the hospital to name our son. The three blessings stayed behind with Grandpa and Grandma Kraft. That may have been the longest twenty-five miles we had driven yet, at that point. We were both thinking, mainly about nothing and everything at the same time. We arrived at the hospital, still without discussing the naming issue, and slowly entered the familiar big doors. (Even cesarean section mothers who had delivered after me would have been out of there by this time). Darrell stood there behind me. I found myself speechless and feeling extremely inadequate. He told them we would like to switch the placement of names from the previous form. Instead of Hunter Chayton, he would now be known as Chayton Hunter Anderson. Then in a teasing, annoyed tone, he asked, �Right?� I just shook my head and agreed, already knowing he was disturbed with the very thought of having to come back AGAIN. (No need to worry yourself, gorgeous, this IS it). I felt bad for him because I knew he didn�t like the name Chayton. In fact, he nearly despised it, but he agreed for me. What a wonderful expression of love. Besides, by the time the first week was up, he loved the name Chayton.

Throughout that week, I remained overly emotional. It took me at least another week, beyond that, to feel okay. All the while, Darrell kept reassuring me that it was �normal� for me to feel so depressed. I just needed to relax and focus. That would hopefully help me get beyond my fears, thus, alleviating the pressure I was placing on myself to get beyond everything else.

Monday, June 03, 2002 at 09:37 AM (CDT)

KISSED BY A HERO...THE STORY OF ME TOLD BY MOM!

Our Genesis

I would like to start this book with the sentence �Once upon a time�, but that is only the beginning of fairytales. The story you are about to embark upon is that of a young boy, our son, who fought like a true veteran, in the world of cancer. This story is not all sad. There are many happy memories that we will hold dear for years to come, and yes, there are the sad memories that gave us strength in the long run. Chayton may have had a short life, but it was meaningful and dignified. He is our hero.

Darrell and I met in May of 1998. We were introduced by mutual friends and have been together ever since. Not that it has been an easy road, but we had each other, and our two other children, Ashley and Gatlin, by our sides. Those two were both in the �terrible two�s� stage of life. (I tend to believe they were born in that stage) They were only three months apart, and what one didn�t think of, the other did. If you haven�t figured it out, they are from previous failed relationships. There is one way only, to look at those relationships. If nothing else good came out of them, the children were blessings!

Darrell also had an older daughter from his first marriage. Her name is Nicole, but I call her �Nikki�. Nikki wasn�t around much, so I never really got to know her. She lived close by, but we were just never in touch. There were issues that went un-addressed for a long time. I didn�t have any place sticking my nose in, so I just carried on about my life, and did my best to take care of the two we already had.

Darrell and I were married on June 19th, 1999, at the Trinity Lutheran Church in New Hampton, Iowa. That is where I am from, and where my entire family is, other than my husband and children. That day, I never could have imagined my future as it is. And if someone would have told me what was to come, I probably would have told them just how crazy I thought they were.

About three months later, on August 10, Darrell took me to the FANTASUITES for my 25th birthday. We had the room �Cupid�s Corner�. Apparently that was a night to remember for more that one reason. It wasn�t long, and I started getting sick a lot. I was also having pains. My cycle was normal, so I wasn�t thinking that I was pregnant� at first. Then it stopped. No more regularity, nothing. I took pregnancy test after pregnancy test, and every single one of them came back negative. Finally, worried sick, I went to see a nurse. We had discussed the possibilities of what was happening in my body. There was the possibility that I was indeed pregnant, or that I had a �tubal� pregnancy, or lastly, and most terrifying, that I had cancer. The nurse thought that if I were pregnant, no matter what, her test would reveal the truth. After five minutes of waiting, she told me that we needed to find a gynecologist that would be able to help me, because she feared the worst. (I believe I failed to mention that this particular day was Darrell�s 30th birthday.) I trembled as I was filling out papers, in total shock of what I was hearing, and just then, she looked up and said, �I don�t believe it! It just turned pink! It should have done that MINUTES ago! Congratulations! You are going to have a baby!� Once I picked my jaw up off the floor, I thanked her, grabbed my purse, and floated my way to the door.

The ride home was surreal. I wasn�t sure if I should be happy or not. Not that I wasn�t, but it was Darrell�s birthday, and I had planned a big party for him. Keg and all! What was I going to do? Obviously, I wouldn�t be drinking, but should I tell him, or wait? My decision was not an easy one to make. Especially considering that when I arrived back home, he, along with his cousin, Tim, were in the garage clearing off the pool table for the eve�s events. I had just then, decided not to tell him until the next day. Only to tell him there was nothing to worry about.

When I got out of the car and approached the garage, he looked at me as if to say, �are you?� in an annoying, boyish, mischievous way. In fact, he didn�t even know the �are you?� that he was asking. I just looked back with my eyes saying, �wouldn�t you like to know?�. He followed me into the house like a scared puppy. Unable to hold back, I told him, �Happy Birthday, Baby�maker!�. He just lit up from ear to ear. He was so thrilled. I was still unnerved about it. I had not expected to get pregnant so quick. Not that I minded, but we could have been a little more stable, financially. I asked Darrell to keep it our little secret. He agreed, and then me, with my big mouth, I told Denise, Darrell�s sister about an hour later. She�s good at keeping secrets, though, so I knew I could confide in her. Then I found out later, that he had told Tim. As if I am the ONLY one with the big mouth around here.

I was expecting shock throughout my family when I broke the news, and every one of them were thrilled for us! I ended up being the one in shock. I thought for sure there would have been something �smart� said, but everything was sincere and kind. (And even a little exciting).

I waited to go to the doctor because our insurance didn�t pay everything, so I was concerned about creating debts we couldn�t pay. We already had enough of those! Finally, when I decided to see a doctor, I had to find the right one. I knew I wasn�t going to two hospitals. They were out from the start. (One horse town kind of places). I decided I would either go to Glencoe, Hutchinson, or to the Twin Cities. I called and interviewed several people, patients and doctors, alike. I finally settled on Dr. Mark S. Matthias at the Hutchinson Medical Center. I think it was the influence of Darrell�s long time friend�s ex-wife, and my interpretation of Dr. Matthias. Mary had given birth to their two children there, and Dr. Matthias seemed to be �human�.

My first obstetrics appointment was quite intense, to say the least. I was so nervous because, well�EVERY woman looks forward to a complete physical, NOT! And yet, here was a man that talked the entire time about various different things, making me feel more and more relaxed with each passing syllable. He even made eye contact once or twice. He had concluded that I had indeed become pregnant on my 25th birthday. It seemed almost miraculous to us. As if to say it was my birthday gift and Darrell�s birthday gift.

I went out and bought several books subjecting around pregnancy. They were all so similar to each other and to what I had read before. One was different. It was called She�s Having A Baby, I�m Having A Breakdown. How appropriate in my second and third trimesters.

I would wake in the middle of the night sweating and crying out that either my baby had died or was going to die. There were times that I silently wept, as well, for the recurring dreams that weren�t as vivid, but still as worrisome. At first Darrell would joke that I shouldn�t sleep, but as time progressed, he grew more concerned, too. I saw the doctor on more than one occasion, after expressing my concern. Dr. Matthias would always check me over and tell me that he hadn�t found anything, and that everything seemed to be progressing normally and as well as to be expected. He would never find anything to confirm my fears. That helped Darrell and I relax each time.

While I grew and grew � and grew, so did our excitement. Gatlin and Ashley were kept well informed about our pregnancy. They were so happy about a baby being born to our family, they would shriek with laughter and uncontrollable excitement.

Darrell�s mom had mentioned that she thought we should have waited to inform the other children of the baby until the baby had actually arrived. Darrell and I discussed it, and they knew before anyone else. That, to us, was important. They actually live in our home, know us intimately, and have the right to know. We felt that it was important for them to be as involved as possible. After all, this new baby was to be their sibling! Darrell's mom did have a point, though. Had anything happened, what would we tell the children. But we still thought they should know.

They came to the obstetrical appointments, watched the ultrasounds on the screen, heard the heart beat and asked the doctor their own questions. We even bought Ashley a girl baby doll and Gatlin a boy baby doll so they could learn to talk to, hold, carry, feed, and change diapers on. They each had named their baby. Ashley named her little girl �Shayna�, and Gatlin named his little boy �Tucker�. It wasn�t long before Darrell and I were comfortable with the way they handled their �babies�.

Darrell, the kids and I would place �wagers� on the baby�s sex, birth date, height, weight and sometimes even the day of the week the baby would arrive on. The stakes weren�t high. The winner would get a new baby in the house, and there are no losers.

Darrell and Ashley stuck with �girl�, while Gatlin and I expected a �boy�. The kids� bets were so comical at times because my belly was so large, although from behind I didn�t even look pregnant, their bets would be outrageous. Gatlin would bet that the baby would come out weighing 50#, while Ashley knew �she� would weigh at least 160#. After a little explaining, the numbers dropped drastically to more �somewhat� realistic figures. We still have the cards with their predictions on them to this day. What a memory to hold onto for all this time!

The kids would get to finger paint pictures for the baby on my tummy. (Only while daddy was here to help.) Sometimes it was messy, and other times, magnificent. Daddy always documented the kids� artistic creations by either still photos or with the video camera we had borrowed from my dad. The kids loved it and we thought it was creative therapy to help them make the transition to �welcoming� a new family member into our home. It also helped them understand more about the baby. Especially when the little bugger would kick to beat the band, during their painting sessions. Had we not decided to keep them informed, this would have never happened. We are so thankful that we tried not to miss a single moment.

I had also purchase a small, hand-held gadget that would allow us to hear the baby�s heartbeat whenever we wanted, without being billed for a doctor�s visit. That was an added bonus for the kids. The monitor became part of a nightly ritual for them. At times, they would grab it and put it on me without even asking, because they were so excited to get �more baby�! None of us could get enough, with the exception of Darrell. He thought we were �freaks�. It�s not that he didn�t care, he just thought there was a time and a place � and just because we had the �time�, and lived in the �place�, didn�t mean it had to be done all the time. He was totally new at the whole �kids knowing everything� about the baby, and he, himself didn�t know how to react to the situation.

During one ultrasound appointment, as a result of another bad dream, we had asked the technician to check on the sex of the baby. When she did this, we asked that she write it on a card, and seal the answer in an envelope. We didn�t even want the kids to know because they might fumble up and tell us. It was SUPPOSED to be a surprise. While the technician looked, we turned away. After a bit, she felt she should check one more time. Just then, Gatlin and Ashley both had to go potty. Darrell took Gatlin and Ashley stayed in the room with me. Ashley and I faced the wall, and she, the tech., looked once more. By the time the guys got back, she was done. We didn�t see much of the baby this time around.

We didn�t want to know the sex of the baby, but others did. (Until we actually had it done.) To my recollection, the first to view the card was our daycare provider, Terri Schmidt. Once she looked and sealed the answer in a new envelope, she grinned from ear to ear. I was reluctant to ask, but I did have to question whether or not the sex of the baby was actually written or did it just say something coy like �healthy� or �baby� or even �human�. With an excited giggle, she confirmed that, yes, it was written.

Next, my parents and step parents knew, and it wasn�t long before I was reluctant to talk to anyone for fear that they might slip up and tell me and I didn�t want to know. It wasn�t long, and Darrell and I put the card away, not to look at it again for a long time, as it was about eating us alive.

Around the same time, Darrell�s Christmas party for work was being held at Jackpot, a casino in the area. I didn�t feel like going because I looked so � PREGNANT, but Darrell gave me encouragement by reminding me that I was pregnant, and that while I did look it, I didn�t look fat. (Then he chuckled, finding humor in the conversation for himself.) It took some time to find the right outfit to wear. Once I found it, I felt better and went to the kitchen to show Darrell. Just then, his cousin, Tim, had wandered in from the cold. They both tried lightening the mood by trying to make me laugh so the nervousness would subside. Some help they were! Instead, I wanted to kill them. I was sending mental telepathic messages to them, hoping they would barf all over themselves. It didn�t work. Looking back, I have to smile at the very least, as I recall them talking about pinning a sign on my back, for my welfare, saying, �Please, no harpooning, she�s my wife!� Darrell still laughs to this day, claiming he can never top that one. Little does he know later, he did.

We went to the Christmas party and all seemed fine, aside from the fact that our entire table sat around talking about the bosses, and their lack of compassion and humanitarianism when it comes to the employees. I saw Sally, a friend and co-worker of Darrell�s girlfriend. It was nice to talk to her. I had to tell her about one of my dreams of the baby, earlier that week. I had a girl, although I always believed I would be having a boy. In the dream, I named her �Sally� which was particularly odd because we had �Sabre Bailey� chosen for a girl. Again, little did we know, the significance of that dream would have to wait to be revealed.

Speaking of naming the baby, that was a chore. We couldn�t agree on anything! Even the last name, and we were MARRIED! It took us about five minutes to decide between Sabre Bailey and Avery Bailey for a little girl. (Darrell didn�t say much, he just agreed with Sabre Bailey. I had told him before, for three years, how fond of that name I was.) The boy�s name was a battle royal! I had decided on Dalton Haze and Darrell was leaning towards Angus Young. I was not thrilled about his choice, although I , too, am fond of AC/DC. He wasn�t happy about Dalton in the least, but he liked Haze. Then I suggested Dawson, and he countered with Wyatt. Finally, we both agreed on Hunter Haze. Only, we still couldn�t agree on a last name. Kraft-Anderson or Anderson was the next feat.

Time was drawing near and we were still in the beginning stages of planning the baby�s arrival. One day, Darrell came home from work and told me he would like to �knock down that wall!� in the basement, between the family room and cistern. I said no way and shrugged the suggestion off. The entire time thinking, �does he realize there is a baby coming?� and hoping he does. The next day, I came home from work and heard Gatlin saying, �Here? Daddy?� And then I heard a tapping noise. I asked Ashley, who was upstairs sitting quietly, watching cartoons, what was going on downstairs. Without hesitation, in a monotone voice, she said, �Nothing, Daddy and Gatlin are just knocking out a wall. How was your day?� My eyes must have popped out of my head! Ashley bolted ahead of me and down the stairs yelling, half giggling, �Daddy, Mommy�s mad, and you should see her!� I came downstairs to see him half laughing, quickly saying how he had told me he was going to do it, it�s not like I didn�t know. I was so stunned, I just retreated back upstairs to take a bath, hoping, PRAYING for Calgon to take me away. All I could think was the baby is coming and he is destroying our home. I became so upset that I cried and nitpicked for days, until the job was done.

In the meantime, I had been put on bed-rest. The doctor should have been more specific. The only time I was able to rest in bed was around midnight, each night. Otherwise, it was �honey, do this� or �baby, do that�. I do have to give credit where credit is due. He amazed me when he completed his new �game room� a little over a week after he started. How impressive!

A few weeks to go and Darrell and I were discussing what to do next in preparation. We had another discussion about the baby�s name. I had asked about �Chayton Haze� or �Chayton Pride�. He never really liked the name Chayton and it had special meaning for me. Again, another battle to be decided. I fell in love with the name �Chayton�, Being of Native American decent, and Chayton being a Native American name, made it even more appealing. Darrell figured there was nothing more to do unless we knew the sex of the baby. I disagreed and told him I still thought �boy�, but I didn�t want to know. He never said a word as he stood and walked to the cupboard where the envelope lay. Before I could object, it was open and in his hand. He just beamed as he looked at the card. I was torn. By the look on his face, I figured it said �GIRL�, but I also thought maybe he was so chipper because he was about to get another boy. Either way, he was happy. My mind was playing tricks on me. I asked Darrell why he had opened it. We didn�t want to know. He just laughed and said, �Speak for yourself!� Then, I just had to know. He teased and continued his game, until I acted like I didn�t care. It was then that he told me �BOY� was written on the card. I felt like he was being dishonest, so he proved it when he flipped the card around!

We still didn�t do much with the information. Neither one of us had any brilliant idea on what to do with the information, except stare at it, over and over. Aside from that, the doctors have been known to be wrong before, along with the technicians.

May 12, 2000, Happy Birthday, Sally! I called Darrell at work and told him I thought it was time. By the time he made the five minute drive home and came in the house, I told him that I was sorry, false alarm. He was NOT going to stand for that and we were going in, like it or not. I tried to stall, and finally he said, �NOW!� His nerves had really gotten the best of him, and this was not the first �false alarm�. I had even asked if we could make love, not war. All efforts had failed me. I had heard, and read that it makes labor much easier, and more tolerable. He refused and told me that if it were time, he would hurt the baby. I asked him not to flatter himself, and headed to the car. (Everyone knows that babies are well protected in a suit of armor inside...) Darrell had called my parents to come up from Iowa and pick the kids up from the daycare, and to bring them to the hospital to come and see us. He wasn�t leaving until the baby was in our arms, no matter how long it took.

Once he had gotten me into the car, I knew I was in for something inexplicable because everything had stopped. No more labor, no more cramping, nothing. The twenty-five mile trip had given me extra time to think. I had plenty to think about, believe me! Mostly, stalling because as far as I was concerned, it wasn�t time. Just across from the hospital was a McDonald�s Restaurant. Five star, I might add! I suddenly craved a Big Mac! I craved it so bad, I could hardly stand it. To my advantage, Darrell was hungry, too. We drove through the drive through and ordered and sat in the hospital parking lot and ate. I still didn�t want to go in.

By the time we entered the hospital through the emergency entrance, my labor hadn�t left much of a trace. I was only dilated to two centimeters. (You have to be dilated to 10 to have anything come of it.) The maternity ward nurse said that if I wanted to go home, I could, but I would have to come back if anything happened. Darrell let it be known that we weren�t going anywhere without a baby in tow. Nobody argued with him. Daddy had just unconsciously chosen baby�s birthday.

We walked the halls of the hospital for better than 3 hours with no progression. Occasionally, Darrell would crack jokes at my appearance in the �cute� little hospital gown. �Rhino Mama� became a short-lived nickname. I would get so angry that I would double over in pain from a single contraction. Finally, as the end of the fourth hour was upon us, I dilated to three centimeters. We were told that if I could make it to four centimeters, they would break my water and I could deliver. As an emotional pregnant woman, I thought to myself, �That is the LAST thing you tell an anxious, soon-to-be dad!� Darrell was in charge for a while, even over me � Great!

It wasn�t long and the nurse that had continually �checked� me for better than ten minutes (with Darrell sitting across the room, watching the entire time, seeing how angry I was for my last ditch effort about the love-making, and now this!) had said that I was at four centimeters, and we were ready to go. As you can tell, I still have issues with this. Darrell stood up and from across the room only to announce that he was ready to �get the show on the road�.

Dr. Matthias was there in no time. He was dressed and ready to go for a nice supper with his wife and others. He checked me to verify my progress, then broke my water. He was sitting on the end of my bed, and the water had actually gotten on his dress pants. He said he wasn�t worried about it. He said he had to go to the dinner, and he would see us in an hour or so. That was one of his traits that Darrell and I liked best. I will say it again. He is HUMAN!

I had much faith that I would have mild, if any, labor pains, as I had with Gatlin. (Slim to none.) Then, with no warning, out of no-where, for the first time ever, I knew labor intimately! I had NO idea it could be so painful. I screamed and yelled for help to the bathroom. With each request, my faithful husband took me in and brought me back out and with each fruitless attempt; he continued to stand by my side. That is, until our disagreement on drugs. He felt I needed them RIGHT NOW, and I felt that drugs were unnecessary. Yet, another disagreement won by �the man�.

Of the bits and pieces I remember, after the drugs were administered and I told the anesthetist that I loved him, and he was my favorite angel, I sent Darrell out with my parents and children to the Dairy Queen for a Peanut Buster Parfait. (They arrived in the nick of time!) I guess he was a little displeased and concerned at the same time. He was being sent away while his son was on his way out of my womb. With time to spare, Darrell made it back to witness and help with the birth of our youngest son. It was a wonderfully, scary experience!

I pushed and pushed to no avail, but the baby wouldn�t budge. Fighting little rascal! I was fully dilated, drugged and ready to go � why wasn�t the baby coming out? I vaguely remember screaming that I was changing the baby�s name from Chayton to Satan. (I guess that should have been a hint to Darrell that I liked the name Chayton, and that is what I figured it would be.) It took about two minutes for the doctor to figure out what the hold up was and help the birth along. He had me push so he could get a better look at what was going on. The umbilical cord was wrapped around the baby�s neck, and over the shoulder. Doc clipped the cord and out he came. Doc said he believed that to be the reason for all those nightmares. Mother�s Intuition was telling me that something was wrong. Then, Dr. Matthias looked over the cord and noticed a growth in the cord. He said he had never seen anything like it before. This �growth� was inexplicable. He didn�t think it had any significance to anything in particular. He just thought it was strange. To give you an idea of what it looked like, the cord was folded over in the middle, and about an inch of it grew together side by side.

Darrell had stated several times that he hadn�t the desire to be physically involved in the birthing experience, but he would �tell me to remember when to breathe�. Much to his surprise, Dr. Matthias and I had already pre-planned the events following birth. We would coerce Darrell to wipe baby down and cut the cord. It worked!

Our son was born May 12, 2000, at 10:58 pm, at the Hutchinson Community Hospital. He weighed 6 pounds 14 ounces, and was 19 � inches long. Our baby boy was born with dark, thick, black hair. He was a gift from God, an angel on Earth. We knew that right away.

I wanted to bring our baby home the next day, which the doctor approved, until Darrell decided he was the BOSS, yet again. I ended up staying the full two days. We were released on May 14th, 2000 to go home. It was quite an emotional and hectic day being Mother�s Day, and Darrell was supposed to be there by nine o�clock in the morning. He didn�t arrive for at least two more hours. The plan was for him to get there, we were to name our son, and he was to take us home. I had called our newborn �Chayton� the entire time I was in the hospital, and I couldn�t have cared less what his middle name was.

When Darrell finally arrived, he explained that he had been quite restless throughout the night by excitement. While he planned to be back early, after little sleep, he�d been reminiscing with my family all morning and it was hard for him to get away because he had been enjoying the conversations. Then, he handed me the roses that he had been holding, along with a card. He said the roses were from the kids and our new baby, and the card was from him. I was so bummed out by waiting for him for what seemed like all morning, that I was shocked when I opened the card and he had written how much he loved me and that he couldn�t be happier. I looked up through tear stained eyes and saw him sitting, just looking at our son. As he sat in the wooden rocking chair, and I shifted from the middle of the bed to the end, we went through a book, name by name, in an effort to agree. We even called upon the nurses for suggestions. Oh, the minutes, or hours, ticked by and we were growing more exhausted and frustrated with each tick.

Sunday, June 02, 2002 at 07:43 AM (CDT)

Chayton~

Days and nights are hard and often lonely without you here. We ALL think and talk about you often. Oh, how we miss you. I don't know if you have been too busy, or if you have heard, but we all include you in our nightly prayers. We even ask you to help us get through the next day. That is Gatlin's and Ashley's favorite part of the nightly prayers. They will sit right up with a smile and talk to you. Oh, I hope you can see them. I wish we could all see you, too.

Greg and I were talking yesterday, about the day we took you to the doctor. He said the closer it gets to July 18th, the harder it gets for him. He sure misses you, too. He always worried about you. All of us, but especially you. He told me he would probably never forget that day. I don't doubt that at all. He was just as shocked as Mommy, but had to hold it together for you kids. He did awesome. Greg and Daddy spent time together yesterday. I sure am glad that Daddy and him are able to talk and share thoughts and memories of you.

Tuesday is the big day. Did I tell you we talked to YOUR doctor at Children's and SHE set everything up for your brother?!? Otherwise we would have had to wait another month and possibly longer. She was talking about how she remembered you. With the wagon. How neat! We got presents for them in your memory. For Children's we got a bench...for kids made of wood. Under the seat is a toy box. We are going to ask that they put it in the room you always seemed to get. I know there were many, but there was one that you loved, and it seemed you were in there the most.

Also, for Dr. Matthias, we got the pop ball toy that you got for X-Mas from Nancy. You loved that toy. You and balls, then adding music. It couldn't have been better. That is what we got him for one of his rooms. Otherwise, yeah there are books, but you would get so bored and anxious waiting. This way, there is something to remember you by, AND there is something for other kids to do. Don't worry! We kept yours. Nobody gets to play with it. We look at it and remember you playing. That's about it.

I miss you so much, little man. I don't know if I will ever feel right about not having you right here. I pray for comfort for our family, and it seems at times, the load lightens, and then the slap in the face comes, again.

Grandpa and Grandma Kraft and Grandpa and Grandma VanderKolk have paid wonderful tribute to you at your resting place. Others have been there and left you some pretty neat stuff, too. It's awesome! You would almost think it is a room, where you rest. Beautiful! Everytime we are down there, it makes us more sad and teary, and at the same time PROUD and HAPPY that you were so remembered and loved! You will never be forgotten.

There was a little boy from the St. Cloud area that was diagnosed the same day you passed. I want to tell you...he had a re-currance, also, but Chayton, something is definately going in favor of you kids. You must not have left us for nothing. They decided to go to the next step and your doctor put him on the same treatment you went to next, and WOW! He had that for a month and his tumor stablized!!! Then, he was put on something else (orally) that you had IV, and WOW...three weeks later and he is still stable! He is almost two months stable! We pray for a cure EVERY SINGLE DAY!

We love and miss you Mowgli. For Always, Rest Easy, Little Man, MADLY!

P.S. Your little "gift's" heartbeat was 155 on Tuesday. Hope you are having fun playing together! Love you, Chayton Hunter.

Friday, May 31, 2002 at 08:47 AM (CDT)

Good morning, Chayton,

Mommy and Daddy are missing you every single day. We watched your video yesterday, boy that was tough. I was all by myself, and I needed a Chayton fix. Remember those, when all mommy would want is YOU! Well, I went upstairs where Daddy, Gatlin and Ashley were all bombed out around the couch and I quietly put in your video, and within about 30 seconds, your brother was awake laughing at you. Next, Daddy was up watching you, too. I had to sit close to the TV because I didn't want to make anyone else cry. Ashley slept through the entire thing. I think she may have been dreaming of you, that seems like the real thing, so she probably didn't want to wake up to watch the video when she had you right there in her dream!

Not a day goes by that we don't think about you. I talked to your doctor, yesterday. We talked about your brother. She helped us find someone to do his surgery. Someone she knows very well. She asked us to come and see them when we are there.

I am kinda scared to do that, buddy. I was always talking about going back there and thanking everyone, walking around capturing memories, etc...but I am scared I will break. The last time we were there, Daddy and I had you on the 8th floor for something...oh yeah, to pick up your meds. While you stayed there so quiet, we were both uncomfortable. Everyone knew what they had said was your fate, and we chose not to believe it, and at that point, we had no choice.

I wanted to thank you for all the times you made me smile, laugh and even cry. You are one special little man. I don't ever want to forget you. That is a fear of mine, but I hope it never happens.

I remember the very day I took you to the doctor and he told me they found a large mass in your brain. I had NEVER seen his face so serious and scared looking before that, nor after. I will never forget that day. That was the first time I thought my life was over and as a mother, I had failed my child. There was nothing I could do but cry. I was out of control. Just thinking about that day...Chayton, my heart will never beat the same. Something left that day. Something big. I don't know what it was, but it was gone in a matter of a couple of seconds. GONE!

I had always pictured you and your brother playing football with your dad and the neighborhood kids, wrestling, or going babysitting with your sister to keep her company. Never thought I would see you in a little white coffin with teddy bears. NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD SEE ANY OF MY CHILDREN DIE! I would sit and imagine you and Gatlin on your first dates, and Daddy and Ashley on her first date. (Unless he sent you boys for some odd reason...like mommy complaining that she needs a life, too.) Anyway, I had brought several of these things up to your daddy, even before you were born. Even with your siblings, and daddy always said not to think about it, yet, until we have to. He would always pass it off like he didn't care, but I knew he was thinking about it too. Every parent does. Now daddy talks about those times. He remembers discussing you kids like that.

Daddy never thought we would lose you, either. We took the "health" thing for granted. So many signs, Chayton, and now all I can do is sit here and wonder if I ever could have saved you by being more forceful. I should have told them to check you sooner, SOMETHING!

Gatlin and Ashley sure do miss that poo out of you! They talk about you lots. It gets tough on them. They slept in the camper lastnight and before they climbed in, they told me that it was okay if it rained or thundered because you were with them. You spend everynight with them. Thanks for keeping them safe and comfortable, Chayton. You are such a Hero!

We love and miss you. Rest Easy, Little Man, your family anxiously awaits the day we will all be together, again. XOXOXOXOXO!

Wednesday, May 29, 2002 at 01:21 PM (CDT)

Another Wednesday....AHHH! I was nervous only because the day of the week. Gatlin was to have his tonsils and adenoids out today, as well as tubes put in his ears. We arrived there on time...6:30am. At 20 to 7, Ashley and I went to get a camera and she wanted to get him a gift. She got him a puppy and named it Bow Wow for him. We got back there just in time. She presented him with his puppy as daddy got ready to go in with him.

They took him in, with daddy by his side and Bow Wow in his arms. Daddy told him what he was supposed to do, all seemed to be going fine. Daddy even found a mask to put on Bow Wow. Gatlin kept trying to sit up, but Daddy kept just told him to lay back down and kazam! He was out.

The surgery was supposed to take 45 minutes, and then he would recover for an hour. We were suprised to see the doctor back in the room within a half an hour. Dr. Montgomery said that all went fine with the ear tubes, but Gatlin will be leaving today with his tonsils and adenoids in tact. We were even more surprised then.

What he had explained was that Gatlin went under and then they had trouble. His lungs started to spasm. They had to keep bagging him and hoping he would come out of it. They didn't want to proceed. Later, the anestetist came in and told Gatlin that he really scared him. He told him that Gatlin had quit breathing and he was the one who had bagged him and that Gatlin wouldn't even take that. It was tough to get the air in.

We were shocked to say the least! Wednesdays suck! They have since done an x-ray on his lungs which seem to look fine, so far, and they are thinking it may be an allergic reaction to the narcotics that put him under. He will be re-scheduled to go to Children's probably next week. We are hoping they will heed our advise and decide against another Wednesday appointment.

It should be done on a Tues. or Thurs. I think he was comfortable with the thought that Chayton would be in there with him...which is what Ashley told him just before he went in.

Chayton,

Thanks for watching over your brother. We love and miss you. Rest easy little man. MADLY!!!!!!!

Saturday, May 25, 2002 at 11:24 PM (CDT)

Chayton,

Hey gorgeous! Mommy, Daddy, Gatlin and Ashley love and miss you very much. Gatlin, Ashley and I came to see you Friday and Grandpa and Grandma VanderKolk were there. Did you see what they did for you?!? Pretty cool, huh?!? Friday was a big day. Gatlin and Ashley graduated Kindergarten and moved home...YEAH!!!!! And your little cousin Colton turned 5! He is pretty proud of that and he should be. Life is precious, just like you.

Gatlin is having some pretty tough days. He has a pre-operative appointment on Tuesday and on Wednesday, he is going to have surgery. He is scared to death. His way of thinking is that you went to the doctor, he went to the doctor, you went to the hospital, he went to the hospital, you had surgery, he is having surgery, you went to heaven, he thinks he is going to heaven. The thought isn't as appealing to him right now as it was before, so that is good, we want to keep him, but at the same time, we are worried for him because he is so scared. Daddy is the only one to talk to him and calm him down right now.

Ashley is scared for her brother, too. She believes what Gatlin believes and we have talked to them separately and together several times, but she is afraid she will be the only one left. Please come and talk to them and let them know everything is going to be okay.

Boy, we sure do talk to you alot, lately. Can you hear us?!? Or are you too busy chasing everyone playing Dinosaur?!? Or riding Clifford, the big red dog...tee hee.

The kids were going to have to wait to watch Harry Potter until Tuesday after Gatlin's first appointment, but Daddy got them a surprise for graduating Kindergarten. They watched it tonight. We were supposed to go to the races because Daddy is working in the pits and the kids wanted to be there so bad, but we were all sick. We decided to stay home so they could feel okay and watch the movie. There are plenty of races to see. How about you? Do you remember when we took you? That was fun, huh?!? Gatlin and Ashley haven't been to the races yet, I don't think. If they have, it was only once. I can't remember.

Anyway, mommy is tired, and I have to get some rest to kick this cold. I was just hoping that you would PLEASE help out your big brother and big sister and make them feel a little better. Thanks sweety. Rest easy, we love you and miss you. Mommy, Daddy, Gatlin and Ashley.

Thursday, May 23, 2002 at 08:06 AM (CDT)

Today is a therapy day, thank God! I need to talk, vent, release. I would like to take photos with so she knows who Chayton is, but at the same time, I don't know if that is appropriate. I think I am just going to take them, anyway. Maybe it will help her help me. Darrell said when he went, he showed his therapist photos. He said it helped him talk.

The kids are coming home tomorrow. Last day of school for them. YEAH! They are pretty excited. Plus, they have a birthday party this weekend, to go to. And they don't have to rush back down to Iowa. They can relax!!!!!

Thanks for the quilt idea. I think Darrell and I should discuss it in depth...what we want, what to use, etc. before we do anything. That way Chayton will be in my arms everynight. Darrell's too.

Thanks for all the support. It means a lot. Days are getting harder and nights are getting longer. Knowing that we aren't alone certainly does help.

The Anderson's.

*Changed the photos*

Oh, I would like to get a wooden sign like other families have to hang by the garage that says Anderson's and then our names hanging on there. Do you think it's tacky? Do you think it's okay to have Chayton's name on there? Without his name, I don't want it. It wouldn't be the same. I was thinking of us making one as a family, with the kids involved and all, too, but if we get lazy, we may just order one at X-mas time. But if people would feel funny about seeing his name on there, I wouldn't want that, either. Thanks again.

Tuesday, May 21, 2002 at 10:00 AM (CDT)

Chayton,

Yesterday was one of the hardest days yet. I was going through your clothes. Oh, it just isn't fair! I went out and asked Daddy if he was done yet, he was changing the oil in the vehicles, and of course, he wasn't. I came back in and kept working away. I went back out, and still, he was busy. The third time I had asked, he said he was just about done. I didn't want to upset him, I didn't want to talk, I don't honestly know what I wanted. For him to be close, maybe. Then he came in, saw the clothes and the tears and he gave me a big hug. By then, I was a big blubbering bawl bag. I couldn't think straight, I thought that with time, it would get easier. NOT TRUE! I miss you more than anything I have ever missed in this world! By the time I was done bawling like a baby, your Daddy was crying. He had a great idea, though. He said that it had to be done, and if I needed help at any point, he would be there for me. He said to take it in steps and it would be like therapy. Then he said that he would just help and do it with me. I had to put everything away then because he had to go to work, and I wasn't able to do it alone, but we will do it together. Thank God for your Daddy, Chayton. I would just sit there and stare at all of your belongings forever, it seems.

We can't imagine what this is like for anyone else because we don't know how to even handle it ourselves. God, it's so unfair. Why? Why are you not here in our arms? Why are you somewhere that we have to wait for how many more years to come and hold you? Why can you see us but we can't see you? Why did this happen to us? Or you? I have so many questions, Chayton, and I don't know if I will ever know the answers. It is just killing me. Everyday that passes is another day closer to you, but it's also another day further from you. I can't stand it!

I just want to hold you, smell you, touch you, talk to you, sing to you, smile with you. I want our lives back with you in them! I know it's asking for a lot, but geez, how do we get this emptiness to subside? How do we get you back.

Your daddy said you were always with me because you were in my heart. I love that he said that, and I knew that, but at the same time, I want you in my arms. What is wrong with me, Chayton, that I can't let you go?

I feel jealous of this new baby for you. I don't want him/her to use ANYTHING of yours because I don't want to cloud any memories of you. Daddy thinks it would be an honor to the baby to use some of your things. I want to make Daddy happy and honor his wishes, but if this is what you want, you need to give me a sign.

Sweety, I love you, I always will, and I never want to forget you. I look at your photos all the time. I can't seem to get enough of you. Mommy is sorry, baby, but I need to hear you or something. I need to know my precious son is okay. I look at Gatlin and Ashley and I still see you playing with them. They see it too. They miss you so much. They talk about you all the time. Mommy can only listen. They have enough going on. This is the first time I have broken so badly Chayton, and it seems so late in the game. I miss you.

One day, we will all be together again. I would do almost anything to hold you, again, but I can't leave here. Please, come and lay in my arms one night. I love you, Chayton. MADLY FOR ALWAYS!

Monday, May 20, 2002 at 08:42 AM (CDT)

*I changed the photos* They are of Gat 'n' Ash. They went fishing on Saturday and were extremely exhausted when they got home. They fell asleep at the supper table. Dad was here and he walked into the kitchen and told us to come look, so when we saw, we grabbed the camera. The kids saw the pictures the next morning, and to say the least, weren't very happy...they wanted to spank daddy! We convinced them of how cute they looked. All is better, now.

Thanks for all the support in the guestbook, the e-mails, as well as the telephone calls. We have been so scared and frazzled to say the least, but it means so much to know people care the right way. As far as the gossip, I vented, I opened up the conversation, but I wish not to discuss it on here, anymore. Darrell is right when he says it is only going to get worse because that has been the pattern, and because until people go through it personally, they have no idea. We don't want anyone to go through what we had to. We don't wish this on ANYONE!!!!! It is the most trying ordeal, and is only intensified with negativity. We know who was there for us and who wasn't, who talked and who didn't. That's what matters to us. We know where to stay clear of, and where we can feel comfortable.

People have asked for details on the pregnancy...we are due Nov. 28th, we have already had one ultra sound, it's little. That's all I can tell you. It's too early to tell anything else. We are excited, scared, nervous, elated, in awe, and probably everything else, about this pregnancy, but we are bound and determined to make the best of it.

On a lighter note, we have gotten quite a bit accomplished around here in the past couple weeks or so. We are pretty proud of ourselves. Sometimes I forget that I am pregnant, and other times, I am showing enough to not let me forget. (Size changes with the day)...positioning. Darrell is just gang busters 24/7. He is the man with a plan.

The kids played with playdough that was sent to them, along with a gift from one of Chayton's followers. There was a wind chime made that says In Loving Memory of Chayton Hunter Anderson. It is beautiful!!!! Then, Gatlin had a library book that said how to make clay, and then a volcano. He harrassed daddy to make the clay until daddy did it, then he made the volcano and after it dried, he painted it. Ashley helped out a lot! Folded blankets in the living room after their "sleep-over" and helped with cooking. She also helped me go garage saling...Thanks kids!

Chayton,
Madly, we sure do miss you buddy! XOXOXOXOXO~for always, sweet prince!

P.S. Sorry mom, I deleted your entry, I know it meant a lot for you to say that, but at the same time, problems would have been intensified. We love you and know you mean well.

As far as the baby's name, we have decided since it is a gift from Chayton, the baby will be named after him. If we have a girl, her name will be Sabre Bailey (Would have been the boys' name had either one been a girl) and if we have a boy, we haven't decided yet, but either Wyatt Haze or Hunter Haze...Hunter Haze was Chayton's first legal name, then we changed it several times and finally, my wonderful hubby agreed with Chayton Hunter. And Wyatt Haze because after we had Chayton named, a week later, Darrell said that is what he would have liked to have named him...he looked like a Wyatt to daddy.) We may come up with something different, but at the same time, this is how it is right now. It's not like we don't have time. If you can think of any names that would be like Chayton, please, let us know. Our cousin Jill did, and it is definately food for thought! Thanks.

Thursday, May 16, 2002 at 09:59 PM (CDT)

I wasn't going to come back here, but I got a call asking me to. I apologize. I should clarify a few things. It isn't the community I live in that is saying all this. It is the surrounding communities. Along with that, it's not a friend, per say. It is several people who are worried about Darrell and I...who have heard several of the rumors and know the obvious false rumors, but the rumors aren't all so easy to distinguish.

We are just exhausted, and to be honest, this is part of our healing...to be able to let people how we are doing, what is happening, etc. We just don't care for all the negativity that goes with it. We don't understand why people can't be happy that we can just get out of bed everyday. That is an accomplishment in itself. People talk where ever you go, we know that. It's just that the people talking are either the last one's you would expect, or they don't even know us, so they have NO reason to.

And finally, not only have we had enough, but Chayton left us with a gift. Not many people know for sure, but since it is one of the rumors, I will clarify it for everyone. We are three months pregnant. It is EXTREMELY hard, concidering all that is going on around us, it is the last thing we expected, and we are doing the best we can to take one day at a time with the loss of our son, and what it has done, let alone planning for another child. The last thing we need right now is MORE STRESS! I say it is a gift from Chayton because we were using birth control and our conception date is right around Chayton's transition. Of course, with all else going on, I am going to be emotional, but why can't it be good things being said?!? I know there are some people out there that do give us both the credit, but one neg. can over power three pos.! I have never, nor will I ever, blame my husband for harming ANY of my children. He isn't like that, I have said it before and I will continue to until people stop saying that I blame him! He is the best dad there is out there for them, so I am upset and angry that anyone would say that! Along with other things.

Our neighbors have been wonderful to us, as well as the town. I have NEVER said differently. We don't want to move out of Winthrop, we want to move out of the area and start over where we aren't so "known". Maybe we will, and maybe things will settle down, who knows, but I do know that we can't spend the next twenty years waiting for things to simmer down. We have to be serious and think of our children. They will be back soon, and the last thing we need is for them to be somewhere and hear this being said. They just lost their brother, and are petrified that something may happen to this child, just as we are.

Again, I apologize if you think I am being irrational, but once, put yourself in MY sneakers, or Darrell's! It's not as easy as you may think!

Chayton,
We love you and miss you dearly! MADLY! Rest easy little man! (Kiss Alli and Gator, they need it...having tough days and missin' you too.)

Thursday, May 16, 2002 at 09:26 AM (CDT)

I would like to draw attention to the January 8th entry...where it had been mentioned about how Darrell felt about taking Chayton to the tractor pulls. And how I would try to comfort him, and couldn't. It was later repeated at BINGO that I was blaming Darrell. I have never blamed him. Please, look back over the history again. Maybe you will notice, I never even gave myself the credit I deserved, let alone placing blame. Give me a break.

And of course, even if it was what Darrell had to say, since I typed it...I guess that automatically made it my problem. How silly of me not to see it coming? Especially with our son so ill. Dying. I should have known not to write how we felt. How silly. I guess we are disgusted by what some people are saying. Yes, WE...that includes Darrell! And people wonder why we want to move so badly...is it really that tough?!?

Until then, we have decided this page won't be updated as often, but we will answer e-mails. Sorry ladies, you don't have as much to talk about at Bingo, now...

Chayton,
We love you and will be down to visit soon. Promise. Puppy is fine and so are the rest of us. Rest easy, MADLY.

Wednesday, May 15, 2002 at 11:02 AM (CDT)

What a day...I hate Wednesday and I thought I would be able to get out of the house by now, but I just don't seem to have it in me right now.

We are so greatful for all the support. I don't have much to say today, but I would like to at least let everyone know that we are okay and the kids seem to be maintaining. That's the most important thing.

We all desparately miss our little man, as yesterday's entry told.

Chayton~
We sure do miss you, Mowgimon. Your surprise was cute, but not too funny. You had us worried there for a bit. You are just like your grandpa. PRANKSTER! Anyway, hope you can hear us talking...we can't seem to get enough of talking to you. Love you, Mowgli! Rest Easy.

Tuesday, May 14, 2002 at 03:17 PM (CDT)

Sorry I couldn't write. Sunday was Chayton's birthday...he would have been two. Monday was the three month anniversary of his passing. It's been tough.

In Memory of our Gorgeous son, Chayton Hunter Anderson...

One of the sweetest little girls
Blew a kiss into the sky.
Hoping to see her brother
In her dreams tonight.

One of the neatest little boys
Looked up with tearfilled eyes.
Begging for his brother
Not to see him cry.

One of the bravest of all Daddie's
Shed an alligator tear today,
For a son his misses dearly
And desparately wanted to stay.

One of the most heartbroken Mommie's
Fell to the floor in a moan.
Screaming love chants to her son,
The strongest man she'd ever known.

The strongest boy in the world,
Smiling big and proud,
As he and Jesus played and danced,
All across the clouds.

He's greatly missed by everyone
And thought of ever more.
With his wings and halo,
He's playing dinosaur!

He celebrated his birthday
He had just turned two.
He caught balloons and giggled lots!
He was the wisest little man we knew!

Welove you Mowgli!

MADLY!

Friday, May 10, 2002 at 10:20 PM (CDT)

Surprise!!! I changed the photos again. I have them coming now! Please enjoy, Chayton was a gorgeous little boy! We want to share him with the world!

Wasn't today a beautiful day for a balloon release? That's what we thought. I waited for the kids to get off the bus, and we headed straight to Chayton's resting place. Gatlin searched the ground for anything unusual (making sure Chayton wasn't being bugged by some annoying animal), while Ashley and I picked away the grass and made room for what we had planned. Like a fool, I did the most unintellegent thing I think I have EVER done. I brought the camera, the battery installed, with no disk! Can you believe it?!? Thank God for Grandparents! They brought the camcorder.

While we waited and worked effortlessly to make things perfect, Grandpa and Grandma Kraft ran into town to pick up the balloons we purchased earlier in the day. 21 baby blue one's and one white one (Thanks Leslie) along with a mylar balloon with a colorful fish saying Happy Birthday. We tied the fish balloon to a flag stand we had there and while aunt Missy was handing out the balloons, one blue one got away. Then I tied the white one to the flag stand, too. I thought we could all untie it and let it go together. Chayton untied it and took it himself. He didn't want to wait! (tee hee). Then we all sang happy birthday and let go of the balloons at the same time. It was wonderful. Beautiful. The kids...Dominic, Ashley, Gatlin and Colton all took off running looking up into the sky, waiting to see them disappear. The rest of us just stood there and watched with the same anticipation. It seemed to take forever for them to reduce from dots to thin air. Grandma got it all on tape.

We also got him three little stones that say Peace, Love and Spirit. And he got two ceramic butterflies that stand in the ground, along with lots of love and hopes to meet again one day.

I am glad we did it, and scared for Sunday to roll around. It was tough, holding tears back today...I think Sunday will be next to impossible. I will definately need to keep busy.

Thank you all for the continued support. I ask that you check on another little girl in Brainerd, MN. I don't know what it is that she has, exactly, but she is young, same age as Chayton was, and has a very rare condition that seems to be claiming her life, as well. She has a wonderful loving family, and we hope that they have many more days with her. The outlook isn't good. Please, give them the support they need. Thank you. The address is www.caringbridge.com/page/mearan . Thanks again, The Anderson's.

Chayton Hunter~
We love you! Rest easy, sweet prince, and kisses are floating your way! MADLY!

Thursday, May 09, 2002 at 08:08 AM (CDT)

Good morning to all. I just downloaded pictures of pictures...if that makes any sense. I took quite a few and now I think I have this thing down to where I will be able to do this more often.

Just going through the old photos was an experience. Chayton was such a fun loving little boy. Even before he was ever ill. Just to let you know, in case you have forgotten, he was dx with a rhabdoid brain tumor July 18, 2001. On a Wednesday, of course. The worst day of our lives, as everything always happened on Wednesday. Maybe someday, something good will happen on a Wednesday. Nothing will ever make up for all the bad it has done, though. That's how I feel about it, anyway.

Thanks for all the support, we are still having hard times, but it helps with understanding and a shoulder every now and then.

Gatlin's plays are today, so we have to get moving here to make it down to Iowa to see them. Ashley is getting ready now. Oh, the excitement.

Thanks again, Dawn, Darrell, Gatlin, Ashley and "The Fighter", Chayton Hunter Anderson angel boy.

Oh, I was going to ask, I do have photos of Chayton's last crib (casket) and photos of him after passing. They are not gross or anything like that, but if anyone has an issue with seeing them, please e-mail me and let me know. I will then let you know if and when I will post them, but I feel it is also a part of the grieving process for those that couldn't be here, and would have liked to have been. God Bless and hug the children.

Chay,
MADLY! We love you, miss you, and shed tears for you, but we know that one day you will be here to carry us home one by one. XOXO! Hope you aren't wearing Jesus down playing Dinosaur again. And keep your little Clifford shoes tied. If you don't, you may trip over the laces. That wouldn't be fun. Your brother and sister can tell you that.

Thanks for the surprise. We are getting better with it, now. It sure was nice of you to think of us, but you REALLY didn't have to. We love you.

I was thinking the other day, too...remember when you were in your picking up stage?!? Did you happen to just lose mommy's wallet, or did you throw it away? Just wondering because it still hasn't turned up. That was MONTHS ago. If you did, it's okay. Who needs their ID or cash anyway? We didn't because we had you and that was worth more than any dollar out there, and we knew who we were because of you, gorgeous.

Love you, sweet boy. Rest easy, Little Man. We will see you again one day and hold you in our arms. Tell Jesus and all the other kids in Daycare up there that we are thankful you are being well taken care of. See you Sunday on your birthday, baby.

Tuesday, May 07, 2002 at 09:38 AM (CDT)

Just a short note to let you know I am busy trying to get photos up. New one's. From the time he was born to when he passed.

Monday, May 06, 2002 at 09:01 AM (CDT)

Good morning, all. Thank you for comforting Gatlin. He is quite scared. I went back down and looked at Ashley's tonsils. She has an appointment on Wednesday to see if hers need to come out, too. She is excited about it. We will see.

I don't have a lot to say as I have so much to get done, and there is alot to thing about for this weekend coming. I need to get things in order. I will let you know what is up when I get all the details on what will be going on. (Tribute to Chayton on his birthday.)

Thanks for your continued support. It means more than a lot! The Anderson's.

P.S. Sorry I didn't post it, but please pray for Tommy's family. Tommy earned his wings on Thursday. He was such a fighter. He will always be remembered!!! He and Chayton were hitting it side by side for a while, and although we have never met, their family has inspired ours.

Thursday, May 02, 2002 at 01:40 AM (CDT)

Again, yes I know what time it is. Anyway, Gatlin was here today. I ran down and got him because he had an appointment yesterday. He saw a doctor in Hutchinson. He was so scared. He needed to be checked to see if he should get his tonsils out. The doctor said that they don't do that, anymore. He said that he would look, but chances are slim to none. Once he looked, he asked if they were swollen and we told him no that they were always like that. He then said they were coming out. They're big. At the same time, they are going to check his adenoids and see if he should have them out, too.

Gatlin was so scared, today. He doesn't like the word surgery. He told me that he wished he had a brain tumor instead. I told him he didn't realize what the difference was, but he would. Then we talked and tried to make it seem better. I think it helped. He had also said he wished he was in Heaven so he didn't have to be scared.

Ashley is doing good, and will also be here this weekend. Gatlin made May baskets here, and she made them there. I am anxious to see how things went for her, but as far as Gatlin, he had a blast. He would knock on the door, wait for them to start coming to the door and run like crazy back to the car...if you catch 'em, you have to kiss 'em. He was caught by Jada, a 13 month old little girl. He came back so she could give him a kiss on the cheek. He was so embarrassed, but he still had fun.

Chayton,
We will see you soon. Love you! Mommy, Daddy, Gatlin and Ashley.

Tuesday, April 30, 2002 at 08:53 AM (CDT)

Do you remember the time Darrell and I were limitted on cash and we took Chayton to the mega mall?!? We had planned on taking him to Underwater World, but had to have money to eat with, too. And there wasn't much. Then we stepped out of line to let others pass...and the generous woman with the little boy who gave us the tickets to go in. I think about that sometimes. I really wish we could have met her and told her how wonderful she made our day. That was just the beginning. We had all this stuff we wanted to do with Chayton, and we believe it was God's way of letting us. We kinda figured then that we really had a fight on our hands because after that, the waitresses wouldn't let us pay for our supper, and THEN, the airport lady didn't make us pay to get out of the parking ramp. Nobody really even knew, other than the waitresses...they asked what happened to him...but everything else, Chayton wasn't even facing in the right direction for them to even know anything had happened. What a miracle, huh?!?

We like to think Chayton was chosen because we fought as hard as we could and still there wasn't enough fight to keep him. He was meant to be with God.

Lorie called lastnight about the kids. She has a photo album of Chayton and memories...with the other kids, too, of course, but this one was Chay's. Gatlin asked if he could look at it. She said he sat there laughing a hysterical fake laugh off and on. She kept asking what was so funny, and he would just giggle. When he was done, he took it back to her and headed straight for her room. She figured he was going in to snoop as usual. She asked him to stay out of there, but he went on, anyway, only turning back to say he just wanted to lay on her bed. She said okay. He started to cry. Lorie asked Gatlin to come back out and talk to her. He declined, but asked her to come in there and talk to him. She said she was just going to do that. She went in and Gatlin opened up. He told her that he was very sad. He misses Chayton and he is very hurt that he is gone. There is something about talking to Grandma that comforts the kids so much, but she explained that we all miss him, and it's okay to be sad and cry. We all do it sometimes. Lorie wasn't telling me this to hurt me. She was telling me to let me know that he still has very strong feelings. They started talking about their good memories of Chayton. How he used to play dinosaur, honk noses, laugh, run and tickle everyone. It took a while, but Gatlin started to feel better. She said it wasn't by any means a quick transformation, but he did, in time, feel better. Then he asked if he could sleep in there. She asked him where her and Grandpa would sleep and he told her that she could sleep by him and Grandpa could take the floor. :) What a kid!

Ashley had a rough day yesterday, too. I don't know if she didn't get enough sleep or what, but she was "bucky" lots. (That's one of her fun nicknames...bucky.) She was supposed to take a time out and instead of being quiet, she sang and yelled as loud as she could. Grandma kept telling her that her time out didn't start until she was quiet. Yeah, right. She kept on and kept on, and eventually it was bed time. (When she was sent in, it was almost bed time, anyway). See, the kids keep Grandma and Grandpa on their toes. Like most kids. Only mine have a few more issues than most, but for the most part, they are doing good. It's good to let the feelings out.

When Lorie was telling me this, for a while, I had all I could do to not cry. I felt so bad for Gatlin. I can't imagine his pain, because I am an adult, he is only a child. I am so glad he talks to Grandma. It gives me comfort, because he doesn't say much to Darrell and I. Or anyone else about Chayton, for that matter, unless it's all good.

Darrell and I have been trying to keep up with everything, but I can tell he is getting exhausted more and more. He is maintaining very well, though. I love him and am so glad we are working through our issues little by little. It means a lot!

We had company over for supper lastnight, and had a good time. There was a little girl who comes over and is VERY well behaved EVERY TIME she is here. She is only 13 months, but she reminds us of Chayton, a little. She dances like he did, she giggles kinda the same, she plays nicely and picks stuff up like he did. She even eats like he did. It's cute. I know it's not him, but it's kinda neat to see other kids have fun here. But at the same time, it's hard. It is really hard to see kids Chayton's age, or around there, but we do it and it is getting better. Our neighbor who lost his child around Chayton's age, said it never goes away, but it does get better because you learn coping mechanisms. No matter what, Chayton is always in our hearts.

Thanks for the continuing support. And to the people that talk to my children, thank you for helping them take baby steps or leaps through this traumatic time. And to those of you who remember Chayton, we thank you soooo much. We wanted our son to be remembered and that was one of the most important things when we lost him, and it still is to this day. Thank you!

Mowgli~
Missin you, baby! Can see your sweet smile, and hear your contageous giggle! For Always, sweet boy! M.A.D.L.Y.! Rest easy!

Ali 'n' Gator~
Missin you, too. Take it easy on Grandma and Grandpa. Remember, they are the one's making sure you have clean clothes, a warm body and full tummy right now...and that your shoes are tied. I know, you are doing good. Mommy and daddy are more proud of you everyday, whether it's a good day or a bad day. M.A.D.L.Y.! Sweet Dreams.

Monday, April 29, 2002 at 09:31 AM (CDT)

We're home. I went and saw the kids this weekend and saw Ashley's plays in school. Little cutey. I felt like such a fool, though, because I cried a lot! Ashley's teacher went and got her just before the plays started and sent her across the front stage to me. Ash was so shocked to see me and she wrapped her arms around me, and that's when it all started. She only knew that Grandpa and Grandma Kraft were going to be there. She was so cute up there. We taped the plays and songs. I only held the camcorder for one because I kept crying, but focusing on Ashley so Dad took the camera and recorded the rest. I was so proud of her.

We picked the kids up from class and went through the playground. We were out there playing for a while. Then it was time to go. Dad and Lori surprised the kids...I was too nosey, and they took us to see Chayton. Then we went out for supper. We had a blast!

Between seeing Chayton and going out to eat, we stopped off at one of their friends' house and Gatlin got out and showed me how strong he was by crossing the monkey bars. He did such a great job. I was proud of him, too. I got teary, again. What a little man! His plays are in a couple weeks and I won't miss them, either, but again, he doesn't know that.

On Saturday, we went to see Grandma and Grandpa VanderKolk. Grandma wrote a six page report on Chayton for one of her classes. I was emotional through it at times, but she did a great job.

We need lots of prayers for Aunt Missy. She went to a doctor and found out she has a very large tumor, but it seems they don't believe it's cancerous, and at the same time, I am REALLY worried about her. Please keep her in your thoughts. She is an awesome person and a wonderful mommy, so we want to keep her here for many, many years! She will have an operation, I think, but am not sure when.

Uncle John, Uncle Shawn and Uncle Nate are doing well. They are hanging in there, but I don't get to see or talk to them much, so I really miss them.

On Sunday, we had a meeting in New Hampton with one of Chayton's fans. She is pretty awesome. She brought her kids so my two monkeys could meet them, etc. They played in Mc Donald's playland. Also, her sister was there, another one of Chayton's followers. They are from Northern Iowa. They brought something along for Chayton. They brought his "pish wish" and gave it to the kids and I. I have to get the fish, water, etc...but it was so neat. I thought I was going to cry, but I must have been all cried out. We talked a lot about what Chayton went through. I am so glad people ask. That way, I know that they don't just want to know about the "easy road", they actually care about his struggles, too.

WOW! This is getting long. Anyway, Daddy couldn't be there this weekend because he went to Wisconsin to his Great Nephew's Baptism, and then he fixed the roof of a garage. He had a good time, even though he was working. If that tells you anything about how wonderful he is! (It's obviously a good day! Just kidding). We talked quite a bit on the phone and the kids talked, too. It was so cute, last night when he talked to the kids, he asked what they were doing, and Grandma finally made Gatlin pay the consequences for his behavior, and he told daddy exactly what he was doing. "Don't be mad, okay, but I am writing sentences. I have to write 'I will obey.'" I just smiled thinking, 'yeah right!' But all in all, I was proud of my babies this weekend. They were very well behaved. (Most of the time). They both know how to manipulate mommy, that's for sure. Which is normal, but darn...they are good. They lay little guilt trips on me to get me to do what they want, and it's not long, and they usually have it. I have to get a backbone with them, I know, or I will be creating monsters, but at the same time, after all they have been through...they need to get away with some of it. The worst was when I was getting ready to leave, I don't know how many times I had to say, okay, let mommy up. They both just laid there on me, hugging and loving on me. I was like, off me, glue. Please. And still they stayed. It was like scraping fresh, dried paint off a cinder block, trying to get them off. It felt good, but at the same time, it's painful.

Mowgli,
We love and miss you. Sorry your flag is gone. I scanned the ground, but didn't see it. We will get you another one. We have lots of stuff we want to take you. You have lots of toys there from the kids...see 'em?!? They miss you so much. Rest easy, Little Man. M.A.D.L.Y.!!!!!!!!

Ali 'n' Gator,
Mommy and Daddy miss you something fierce. Check your e-mail. I forwarded you some pictures from this weekend. I know you will like them. Well, I hope you will. Love you much. Big squeezes. Be nice and love eachother, and stop being so bossy:) Just teasing. Be good, we'll see you soon. M.A.D.L.Y.!!!!!!!!

Friday, April 26, 2002 at 05:53 AM (CDT)

I just thought I should update, since it has been a few days. Sorry. The little girl I told you all to go visit...I am sad to say that she passed away Wednesday at 4:15 pm or so. She was a cute little girl. Our friend in NC is the one that mentioned her...Thank you, friend.

I am also heartbroken to tell you that our little Dion earned his wings on the 21st and his funeral was Wednesday. Every loss in the Rhabdoid community is disheartening. Dion is a wonderful little boy and his strength and courage are etched into my mind so clearly. Bless Dion's mommy, sister, and other family members!

I am getting ready to go to Iowa. Darrell just left for Wisconsin. Big weekend. He is going to his sister's for his great nephews baptism, and I am going to surprise my daughter and go to her school play. She will be so excited! Gatlin, too. Then, we have lots to talk about and do.

Thank you all for the support that you have given from the time Chayton became ill, through it all, and yet today. It means more than you probably think. The Anderson's...Darrell, Dawn, Gatlin, Ashley and baby angel Chay.

Wednesday, April 24, 2002 at 10:37 AM (CDT)

Since all of you were so faithful to Chayton's page, I rec'd an e-mail from one of Chayton's Guardian Angels. Yes, that's right, our friend in NC! She let me know of another little girl who needs all the support and prayers she can get. She and her mommy are fighting tooth and nail and it seems that they both could use your wonderful words, just as we needed. Her name is Toireasa. She is a child who also has cancer. I went to their page and WOW! I cried and cried, but at the same time, this is one loved little princess! People from all over the world have visited her site. Her web-page is www.caringbridge.com/page/toireasa . Just copy and paste this on your web-browser and it should take you there. She is a big time "CATS" fan.

Ashley has a play in school this week on Friday. She is pretty excited. Gatlin's is in a week or so, I think. When they were here last weekend, one of their assignments was to find a stuffed animal that you would find in a zoo, preferrably not a bear, and make a cage for it. Daddy helped Gatlin with his 5ft rubber/realistic snake...he borrowed it from Grandpa Kraft...and they used a box and popcycle stix to make the top. It had hinges and everything. They did an awesome job. BUT...saving the best for last...ha ha. (They were both good and neither one was really better or worse) I helped Ashley. She also had a borrowed animal. She borrowed a small monkey from Gatlin and we also used a box. We cut out bars all around it, and from the pieces we cut out, we used gray duct tape and made the top with bars so the monkey couldn't escape. She put a fake plant in there that looked like a tree next to the monkey. Gatlin was going to wait and use real grass when he took it into school, for his snake. They were so excited about their projects. It was good family entertainment!

They were able to stay up late the night before last to watched touched by an angel. I didn't even know they liked that show. I have a lot of catching up to do.

I have another quick memory of Chayton to share...

When we were in Texas, Chayton grew rather fond of the people at the Burzynski Clinic. He would take off running right out of the room, and head straight for the ladies by the medical records. Everyday, there was one woman who would have sweets. She would keep them up, but Chayton knew she had them. He would walk right up to her, and by the time he reached her...EVERY TIME...she would already have a donut or roll or something extended to give him. He would stay right by her. Doctor Jurida and Dr. Axler would always say he shouldn't have it, but neither Chayton or his friend would bother to care. He was enjoying himself. From there, we would always head to the IV room. After greeting Dusty and the gang, Chayton would bolt out of the room again to run the halls, play peek-a-boo with the staff...through their mail slots, no less...and go searching for the doctors and his friend again. We have SEVERAL pictures of them playing "tag" in the hallway, or peek-a-boo, and sometimes, Dr. Jurida would just take him to the lobby to play with the toys. They were a team. Without them, the treatment wouldn't have worked so well. He would get very ill sometimes, or seem that way, and when he would see them, he would light up. I would like to get some of Chayton's photos scanned so I can start to put them on here, so that is my goal. By next week, I plan to have at least 12-24 on disc so you can start to see some of the other fun stuff that he got to do and see.

Thank you all for your continued support and prayers on here and by e-mail and telephone. We are grateful. The Anderson's.

Chay, baby,
We love you and miss you much. M.A.D.L.Y. Rest Easy, Little Man.

Gatlin and Ashley~
Are you ready? We're coming. Get those giggle boxes charged! Oh, and one more thing. Please, no more tricking mommy. You are both getting way too good at that. And NO MORE MT. DEW for these trips! It makes us all crazy. Love you both, mommy and daddy.

Tuesday, April 23, 2002 at 10:43 AM (CDT)

I know what you are all thinking..."Slacker!" Sorry, I have just been so busy doing candle stuff and still trying to organize. The kids had a blast this past weekend, and Grandma and Grandpa VanderKolk are bringing them up again this weekend! Yahoo, Mt.Dew, as the kids would say.

ALOT has happened just lately. A good friend of mine in Iowa became a Grandma!!! The baby was born last Thursday in Waterloo, Iowa and she was born FULL of hair! Her mommy, Joy, did a great job during delivery, Grandma says!

Also, we rec'd an e-mail, and someone is working on Chay's "pish wish" in Iowa! It's almost scarey to think of the way it all came about. (Can't give all the info...it'll be in the book.)

We had our water checked last night. If that wasn't something to set us back in our seats! I was so disgusted, and on top of it, I felt ill thinking that we tried to make Chayton drink it in his final days of life. We would have to put it into a syringe to get him to take it, and even then, he didn't want it. Oh, what a horrible feeling. We BUY our water, now, and we had that tested, it's MUCH better.

I know everyone is wondering what ever happened to our friend in North Carolina...I am going to e-mail her today and hopefully I can get her to come here and let you all know how she is doing, too. You know, we wouldn't have made it without a lot of you, and she really had an impact. We learned so much from her, and had we not ever heard from her, I don't know where we'd be!

Also, Chayton's stone... The deal is, we have to come up with half of the money before they will get started on it, and the other half for them to place it. Our goal was to get it done on Memorial Weekend. I don't think it's going to happen, now. We are struggling to keep our heads above water, and Darrell said that at this point, unless I find a job that pays really well, or has excellent benefits, it's not worth going out of the home for. However, this wonderful person, Terri, is bringing me an application for a job North of here that would fit the criteria better than any other at this point. We would have loved to have Chayton's stone done and placed, but financially at this time, it is virtually impossible. We just got to the point where we can start saving. We still have lots of Doctor bills, and debts aquired through Chayton's illness. The New Hampton Clinic said they would work with us, so that eases us a bit. I have done a lot of footwork, and trying to get things taken care of, but we think we will be in debt for at least the next 15-20 years, realistically. Every last red cent we owe was more than worth the debt! We enjoyed Chayton to the ends of the Earth. If only we could have had him longer.

We sure do miss the kids. It won't be long and they will be home. We are pretty excited about that. So are they. (But they also want to stay in Iowa.) Grandma and Grandpa Kraft have been like parents to them, too. Which is EXTREMELY comforting to us.

There are other kids that are going through this tragic ordeal. I ask that you all say prayers for them, and the one's we don't know about yet.

I would like to take the kids back to the Children's Hospital, but at this point, I don't think I can handle it. (Still working that out in therapy, too). Sorry, I have to have a sense of humor, because without it, I would be insane.

There is a deal here where some parents are trying to get on Oprah with Rhabdoid. We also tried when we were in Texas. Hopefully, someone can get this out there and make sure people listen. If any of you are interested, write to Oprah and let them all know that this is serious. Maybe with enough letters, something will be done to at least make it known.

Thank you all for your continued support, and keeping our family in your thoughts and prayers. We are grateful.

Chayton,
We love and miss you, Mowgimon. M.A.D.L.Y.! Rest easy.

Gat 'n' Ash,
Mommy and Daddy are going to sit down with the two of you when you get here and we are going to have a big talk. We are gonna talk about lots of stuff...but in this talk, there is a little surprise for you both. Hope you are ready to listen and talk. Remember, don't be afraid to tell us how you are feeling. We love you and your thoughts are just as important to mommy and daddy as they are to you. M.A.D.L.Y.!!!!!

Thursday, April 18, 2002 at 09:38 AM (CDT)

It is with much saddness that I tell you we have had another loss in the Rhabdoid Community. Savannah Rose Mutchie has earned her wings and put on her tiny halo to go be with the other kids and Jesus. Please go to her page and give her family kind words if you have them. Thanks.

Chayton,
We hope you are part of Heaven's Welcoming Party as your brother and sister are a big part (or were) of the Winthrop Welcoming Party. Now they are serving Ionia, Iowa. (Not that there is a lot of new commers in either place for them. You have the biggest job.)

We love and miss you. Take care sweet boy. We miss you. Thinking about you overtime, buddy. M.A.D.L.Y.! Rest Easy.

Gatlin and Ashley,
We are so proud of both of you! You have impressed us with your intellegence all along, but now, you seem to be GENIUSSES! We love you and will give you umums when we see you...w.e.'.r.e. c.o.m.m.i.n.g...!!! M.A.D.L.Y.!

Wednesday, April 17, 2002 at 10:56 AM (CDT)

I don't know if anyone noticed, but there is another entry in the guestbook and guess what?!? There is another Chayton Hunter out there! That makes two others besides ours! Same first and middle names! How neat. I am only assuming when I say thank God they are healthy and alive. Our son had bigger things to do in Jesus's Daycare. (He did alot here, too!)

Anyway, we had a nice talk with one of our neighbor's last night about Chayton and it felt sooooo good. It's nice to talk about him and share our memories. I think it helps us.

When Chayton was in need of blood and platelets one time, Darrell and I were frantic trying to get things around. I ran over and got one of our neighbors to hold him on her lap so we could get our stuff around to go. Chayton just sat there all quiet and watched us. That memory was scarey for us, but we will never forget how calm he was.

You know, we never imagined that we would know so much about cancer, tumors, or death of a child. We never thought it would happen to us. Sure, it is every parents nightmare, or should be, but it happens.

We sit and think about all the kids that are killed by their parents, and we can't imagine why that would happen either.

The children that I have met in my life, who have left to go be with the other kids in Heaven, each and every one of them are special. They were before they ever left here. I think they left their mark in me. For instance, Kylee. We were soooo blessed to meet her. She was such a sweet little girl. I wish everyone could have seen all these kids that have had this "monster" invade their lives, before they were ill or gone. It brings and entirely different outlook on everything. We still have people tell us how Chayton and what he went through changed their lives. I don't know what to say. I could sit here and tell everyone to love their kids more, but what good does it do? And for many, maybe they love them up more that anyone knows, already! We never know. All I know is that Chayton University was the best place for us to get our education on illness, parenting, family ties, life, struggles, fun, love, good times, bad times, and life through a child's eyes. And we learned the majority of it in seven months. Not that we didn't know alot of it before, we do have other kids, and he was 14 months old before he became ill, but Chayton was the best professor I have EVER had!

Chayton Hunter~
Mommy and Daddy, Gatlin and Ashley love and miss you. Rest Easy little man! M.A.D.L.Y.!

Gatlin Wesley and Ashley Marie~
The green tickle alien and the red and white silly clown are on their way to get you!!!! Get the giggle boxes gassed up. It won't be long! M.A.D.L.Y.!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, April 16, 2002 at 11:10 AM (CDT)

Hello. Today has been a pretty good day for me so far. Last night I talked to my babies and they were going to decorate Chayton's resting place, and the way they talked about it was an instant heart warmer! They were so excited, which makes me excited to see it.

We have been having more and more memories of Chayton coming to mind. It's great, even if at the time it didn't seem so great. It was cute, though. Like the time I had a hard time keeping food in. I couldn't stop throwing up so I would make a mad dash to the bathroom, and when I would come out, there was little Chayman, in his walker, mimicing the sound..."Blauuuhhhhch." And of course he would laugh as I ran right back into the bathroom. Then he would start doing it so I could hear him right outside the bathroom door. Daddy would be laughing when he would come to get him away from the door and try to get Chayton to do something else rather than torment mommy. It was really cute, though. I hope I never forget what a comedian he was.

We were also talking again about how Daddy asked him who the man was because he would always say "daddy" and finally one day, Darrell being as mouthy as ever with all his friends around, he asked Chayton and Chayton's reply was the best I had ever heard from such a little person. He said, "ME!" What could daddy say? Or do? Everyone laughed and Chayton lit up and smiled for a long time. He knew he was cool then!

Chayton Hunter,
We love and miss you and can't wait to see you again in our dreams. You have been up to something, we know it. You are an amazing little boy. I hope you aren't wearing Jesus out with all your running and playing. I still look to the stars and talk to you, can you hear me? Daddy, too. We talk to you lots throughout the day, too, and you know what, whether you can hear us or not, we feel better. We love you. Rest Easy, Little Man. M.A.D.L.Y.!

Gatlin and Ashley~
Mommy and Daddy love and miss you, too. Are you being good? I know, I know, it's none of our business when we are here. Well, guess what, mommy and daddy know all about you! We know you have been taking good care of Grandma and Grandpa, and vice-versa. We love you. See you soon, M.A.D.L.Y.! Oh, and one more thing, P.L.A.Y.! (Peppy Little Animals, You!)

Monday, April 15, 2002 at 08:55 AM (CDT)

Good morning. I was pleased to read the guestbook entries and see the support, as well as the questions. To "a friend", thank you for coming to the source. It really means A LOT! To answer your question, it really hurts to have Gatlin and Ashley in Iowa, but we know they are being WELL taken care of. There are two reasons they are still there. The first and most important reason they are still in Iowa is because they started their first year of school (Kindergarten) there, and have aquired MANY friends. Their teachers, friends and even strangers to them that are familiar with Chayton's Journey have been so wonderful to the kids, so it was kinda a choice given to them. Did they want to come home and change schools, or did they want to stay there and wait to come home until school is out?!? Both of them said they wanted to stay there and they always want to go to school there. To be honest, we have discussed moving down there so next year they can start out there, and we can get away from some of the "small town GOSSIP going on", but we are undecided. If we stay here, the kids will have to learn to make all new friends, but will keep the old and visit often.

We see the kids every weekend, and sometimes throughout the week. We do what we can. The second reason, which was already discussed, Gatlin and Ashley have missed quite a bit of school, but both have worked hard to get where they are, and they are both doing so well, that changing them now may cause them to not do so well. So, first it was their choice, and second, it wouldn't be good to change everything right away again making things more traumatic for them, especially after all they have just been through. They are taken care of VERY well, and we know that. We talk on the phone often, visit back and forth, we all do what we can to make our family remain a family. It also helps that they really like it at Grandma and Grandpa's house, and they see their other Grandparents down there when they can, and their Aunts and Uncles and cousins. They are loved all the way around. They even made it a point to tell us that they felt too popular because everyone loved them, even Jesus!

And to "Shannon", M.A.D.L.Y. is an adjective that is like passionately, lovingly, etc. It is also an acronymn for Mom And Dad Love You. We try to do and say things that are between us and the kids so that we know what we are saying and nobody else does, because the kids like it. It's like a secret that they are in control of. Like, "I know, and you are a big person and you don't?!? Hahaha, that's kinda fun!" I have said what Madly meant to us before, and the kids have been working on new one's, but that one is one that we all still use. Another favorite for them is X.Y.Z. It means (for them) X-amine Your Zipper. (They both have issues remembering at times.)

As far as the "Pish Wish" we haven't heard anything, yet. But we have also been very busy, too. We go stay with the kids quite often or bring them back here to stay. It IS hard for us, because they are our children, and we should be taking care of them, and had it been ANY other year, they would be with us. Before school for them, they'd be home, first grade...they would have their friends here from Kindergarten, so they'd be home, and so on. Their opinion matters a great deal in this household. They make decisions for themselves and we all debate or discuss them to find a reasonable solution.

Thanks for all the questions and I hope you got the answer in full. I apologize for going on and on, but it also helps point out the gossipers when the truth is laid out. That is one of the Biggest problems! In a way, you wish they knew what you are going through, but you don't wish this pain on anyone. Not even your worst enemy! Losing a child is bad enough.

Chayton~
Did the kids get the pinwheel out to you, yesterday? Pretty soon, there won't be room for your stone! There is so much stuff out there! Daddy and I had an artist from the cities do your portrait! It's BIG and you look absolutely perfect! You are such a gorgeous little man.

I have to ask another favor, can you go visit your Grandma's? They are having tough days, sometimes. They both need kisses from you. Yes, you can get their "honk"s when you are there. They would like that. And put a bug in your brother and sister to get them to start listening just a bit better. They are doing good, but we saw that "selective hearing" thing again, and ehwww...it's a pain! And you can tell them we miss and love them, too, just like we do you!
M.A.D.L.Y., Mowgimon! Rest Easy.

Thursday, April 11, 2002 at 11:52 AM (CDT)

I went to a counselor. Thank God! I learned that I am NOT going crazy. Things are going on around here that we don't see eye to eye on, and I thought I needed to get in right away. That was a blessing...to get right in there. They are helping me.

Anyway, Chayton is still in my everyday thoughts. I have received e-mails asking questions about things, and instead of just e-mailing back, I decided I would just post them on here so that everyone would know how life is. The first was does a day ever go by that we don't think about Chayton? Well, to be quite honest, not yet, but I often fear that one day will pass without a thought of him, and I fear that I would feel extremely guilty. Another was, What makes you think about him the most? There are so many things that bring him into my mind. When I am cooking, I see him patiently waiting in his highchair, I see him running around the living room, I see him in my arms in the bathroom mirror. I see him laying in Daddy's arms, sleeping in the reclyner. I see him laying listlessly on the couch. There are so many things. One of the biggest, Nikki and I talked about last night. It's weird, but when a body is embalmed, there is a specific scent, cool, somewhat mintish, medicinal, vicks vaporub...kinda scent. There are times that just out of the blue, whether I am all alone, or standing beside someone, I can smell that smell. I think to myself, Chay, is that you? Are you here? I know it sounds ridiculous, but that is my first thought everytime. It's kinda like someone who has been through a house fire, years later, for no apparent reason, they smell smoke when there is none. Same concept.

The last question that was asked was to see how Gatlin and Ashley are coping. I would have to say they have some pretty big issues for little people, but for the most part, they are doing fairly well. They are surrounded by the love of their Grandparents and other family members and know that they are important little people. They do question their importance, but we all always try to reassure them the best way we know how.

Chayton~
We love and miss you and we will come and see you really soon. That, sweet boy, is my promise to you. I hope you enjoyed our talk the other day. I had a hard time, but I certainly enjoyed the quiet alone time with you. Rest easy, Little Man. M.A.D.L.Y.!

Tuesday, April 09, 2002 at 09:41 PM (CDT)

Guess I should let you know the kids are back in school. They went back Sunday eve. They both had a blast here.

Chay~
I miss you so much. I am struggling without you here, but I am inching forward day by miserable day. Gatlin and Ashley still talk about you all the time, and to you...which I am sure you already know. And your daddy also misses you. He is really proud of you, too. We all are. Sweet dreams, Gorgeous. I'll be talking to you tonight. M.A.D.L.Y.!

Saturday, April 06, 2002 at 11:58 AM (CST)

The kids are here, the kids are HERE! I am so excited. They are full of spunk, love, and most of all...WIT! How wonderful it is to see them being so funny! Gatlin has new jokes, and his new thing is...A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do! Ashley is a giggle box that doesn't quit! She giggles hysterically at EVERYTHING!

We are all missing Chay, but have been talking to him as time goes by. The kids have a few plans of their own for what they want to do to memorialize him. They are talking about trees, plants, flowers and a small pond. Just the way they were talking got me all excited.

Anyway, we have lots to do, and little time, as usual. I am going to see if I can get more photos of Chay either scanned, or just put onto a disk so I can start posting them on here.

Chay,
We will NEVER forget. We love you!

Oh, one more thing...PLEASE check on Dion, Tommy and Savannah again and continue to say prayers for them! They are in need. Thanks for opening your hearts.

Friday, April 05, 2002 at 01:23 PM (CST)

First of all, there are two little boys and a little girl in the rhabdoid community that are in serious need of all our prayers and support. Their names are Tommy, Dion, and Savannah. If anyone knows how to get them on a prayer chain...please do so. They are all three fighting for their lives and as a parent of someone who won the fight but lost the battle of this terrible monster, I am saddened that this awful cancer has control of someone else's life/lives! Please check on Savannah, Tommy and Dion. They are on the rhabdoid kids page and the link is at the bottom of this page. Thank you!

I decided to do something today for our Chay. The plan was only to get Gatlin's glasses replaced, but instead, I ended up venturing about throughout Wal-Mart. I picked up flowers and a metal vase to put them in for Chayton. I know it sounds silly to even mention it, but I wanted to make one rather than buy a premade one. I feel pretty darn good about that.

I would like to plant a flower bed around him, but unfortunately, that is not allowed. Earth, Wind, Fire, Water. Give something back, and if it doesn't hurt, do what you will, right?!? Wrong. People have to mow around it.

The kids are going to be here this weekend! I am so excited about that. They usually don't like the "coming home" experience. They both seem to get very bummed out. I can totally relate. It's hard to see Chayton in your mind's eye, and yet not be able to touch him. Someone else told me that she goes to the bathroom and see's her little angel girl taking a bath and playing, and when she goes to the kitchen, she see's her by the cupboard that she always wanted to go to. It has only been recently since she passed, but no matter how long, that feeling of emptiness is still there.

Tricia Uecker really helped us when Chayton passed away. Not only because the flag she presented to our little veteran, but also because now when we see red, white and blue, we remember how awesome he was through it all. And not just to us, but to someone else who took the time and let us know how special he really was/is! All these kids need flags whether they are here or not! They deserve it!

Another thought of Chayton hit me, today. When I was on my way to town, I kept looking in the backseat and picturing him there playing or looking at me smiling. When I was at the store, I tried my best to go to the baby section and pick something out to go in with the flower arrangement. Bad idea. I was in and out! I went to the toys from there, and decided that I wasn't going to do it that way. Gatlin and Ashley are going to pick something to go with it. That is how I am going to do it.

Chayton~
I haven't been down lately to take off the Easter stuff, but I will. Then we have to decorate for your birthday, then memorial day, then.....

I just don't like leaving it looking so bare, so we are going to have to put something there to keep it pretty, until the stone arrives. We love you and miss you very much! Gatlin and Ashley have been talking to the counselor about you. They sure are proud of you, and miss you terribly. I am proud of them and you!

Daddy is doing okay. He has been busy working and playing games on the computer. He loves you and really misses you. He talks about you alot!

We love you and will come see you soon, rest easy. M.A.D.L.Y.! For Always!

(Speaking of "for always"...mommy and daddy have that engraved into our wedding rings, and I was thinking that maybe on Father's Day, we should get something special for Daddy from you...like your birthstone on a ring, or even on a chain and on the back have that engraved from you...we'll see, but you know that little saying means the world to your mommy and daddy. Gat n Ash are picking it up, too.)

Thursday, April 04, 2002 at 12:26 PM (CST)

Check the top photo...

Yesterday afternoon, I did a no-no. Darrell wasn't here, and I had been cleaning all morning, and decided to take a break. The break was nice, until I got it in my head that I just had to watch Chayton's video. The first song on it is When The Children Cry and it is of Chayton in the hospital newly born. I watched 3/4 the entire video before I had to stop because I couldn't see beyond the tears. I called my mom to get my mind off things, and she told me that from now on, I was not to watch it until Darrell or someone was there with me. At least for a while. Then we started reminiscing again.

I had told her and one other person this, and felt bad since day one about it, and now I am about to share it with you. I cannot describe in detail, the thoughts, feelings or emotions that I felt on the day of Chayton's death, but for the most part, I have a vivid memory, and remember them all. Explaining all of them would take a lifetime in comparison to actually feeling them. I felt torn. Part of me...the bigger part...was dying right along with him. I was so hurt, my heart ached like it never had before. I wanted to die right then, myself. Then part of me...this is where it gets to be a struggle...was actually feeling a sense of relief. Not for myself, but for Chayton, for he didn't have to suffer anymore. It was almost as if I could no longer cry for his loss at that moment. I still feel angry that I felt that and guilty, too. It wasn't long before I was so busy telling others that it would be okay, and not to be sad for Chayton because he is in a better place. My aunt asked if I was trying to convince others or myself. She was so right. It was me I was trying to convince. I had just lost my son to this horrible monster and here I am thinking he is better off, and at the same time, thinking no place is better for him than in my arms. What a mental struggle! I am still harboring feelings from that day and I probably will for the rest of my life.

Now a new struggle is in our midst. We are having many changes in our family, and I am not comfortable. All of which are out of my control. I am at a loss and don't know which approach to take.

Along with that, are the rumors that are flying around. As someone in the guestbook had mentioned. I would just like to say that we would like the psychic that said we are getting divorced to come and counsel us and tell us just exactly how our separation is to begin. (ha ha) It doesn't matter what we say or do. When something good or bad happens to people, and there is a spotlight on them, people talk and draw their own conclusions. We just have to laugh at them because if we don't, we would go crazy. I do have to agree though. The timing is way off.

Anyway, we know where we stand right now, for the most part. And even with new struggles that we are at odds about, it certainly does not mean we are about to let someone else decide what is best for us.

Chayton, I am sure, is looking down on his family and very proud to have been a part of it. He was definately one awesome kid!

Thanks for taking the time to read this, and please, may the rumors stop. I am exhausted and don't have the energy anymore for the nonsense. I am trying to be as diplomatic as I can.

For those of you who are interested, I am asking that anyone who has memories of Chayton that may or may not be significant, write them, and send them to me. I would like to filter them and possibly add them into his book. I am getting closer. And along with that, if anyone knows there are memories that I may want to use, and wish to not have your name published, again, please write and let me know. Some of you who are already written about may not have a clue that you have been included. Thanks again.

Mowgli, Gator and Ali~
M.A.D.L.Y.~ You are the greatest kids ever in our eyes, and always will be. All three of you have the strength of a thousand men. You are definately mommy and daddy's inspiration. Love you!

Wednesday, April 03, 2002 at 09:34 AM (CST)

I can't get this memory out of my head...

Chayton was about 9 months old, it was in February of 2001, and since his brother was fully potty trained by 11 months, I thought it would be easy to train Chay so why not get started?!? (What was I thinking...easy!) I bought a cool little potty chair that played music everytime it got wet. I would take him to the bathroom and put him on it, and he would scream and thrash about until I took him off. He would always turn around to look at it. It took some time to get used to. I could never actually get him to "go". He would always stare at the BIG potty. Finally, one day, just before a bath, I thought...what the heck...so I sat him on the big one. He started to lean forward, and at first I thought he wanted off...until he started "pulling chains". He did it! He pooped! But when he did, the water must have splashed up, because he just about jumped right off with eyes bigger than the moon! So I grabbed him, put him on the little potty, and still...NO luck. I put a diaper on him and waited...

After his bath that day, I was so bound and determined to have this little man potty trained, I took his potty chair to the livingroom where he could sit on it and watch TV or play with his car. It wasn't long, and this little man's potty started playing music and he stood straight up and peed all over the floor. I laughed so hard I almost cried. He was NOT going to sit back down on that "thing"! That evening when daddy came home from work...he asked Chay if he had been going potty, as the potty chair was still in the livingroom for him to even get used to the site of it. Chayton walked right over to it, looked at his daddy and pointed at the potty chair. Darrell asked him if he wanted to sit on it, and he started tugging at his diaper to get it off. We were both like, "okay...this is cool...maybe he'll do it." After sitting there for about ten minutes, maybe longer, babbling to his siblings and smiling at us, Chayton started to make music, again, and WHAMO! Back up in the air he went. Peeing all over again, but this time, I was prepared. Anyway, I tried for days, and he would sit there, but wouldn't go. Then, Gatlin brought a potty chair upstairs that looks like the old fashioned toilet...you know...the standard potty chair. Anyway, Chayton would sit on his and laugh while Gatlin and Ashley sat on the other one and laughed. About a week went by, and Chayton still wouldn't go, so I put it away. Then, I tried again every month. Finally, he was 13 months old, and started using the potty chair. He wouldn't freak out, he would just go. One time, he went #2 and wouldn't let me through it out until daddy came in and looked at it. He was so proud of himself. About two weeks later, at 14 months, he was back in diapers full time, never to hassle with the potty again because of "the monster". I am so glad Chayton started training and got the hang of it before his tumor presented itself, because the pride on his face was so AWESOME and he knew how proud we ALL were of him. Even Gatlin and Ashley would praise him.

No more diapers where he's at. What a kid! We will miss him always. I am so glad I got that out. At first it would make me cry just thinking about it, then smile, and now...I laugh every now and then, or just smile to myself...but it is a happy memory. The tumor didn't destroy everything. We still have our memories!

Chayman~
We saw the picture of you on the Harley for your headstone! It looks awesome! They are going to have it done and placed by Memorial Day, they said. Wish it were two weeks earlier, for your birthday. We love and miss you Mowgimon! Thinking about you day and night. Rest Easy, Little Man! M.A.D.L.Y.!!!!!!

Monday, April 01, 2002 at 02:35 PM (CST)

Hi. We are in Iowa with the kids, and planning to be home soon. Easter was fun, but we missed Chayton. We saw lots of family, and had a pretty nice time. The kids went on an Easter Egg Hunt and found many treasures. And the big bunny left a basket for Chay.

Chayman~
We miss you and wish you could have been here. Sometimes it seems weird, almost like your life with us was a dream. We know it wasn't, but it's almost like it was too good to be true, even through the tough times. There are people that are talking, some positive, and a select few, not so positive. I hope when you see us, you don't think we are taking too much time to grieve. We are doing the best we can, and when some think that we should get on with our lives, we will in due time, but we will not force ourselves. There is never enough time. We aren't going to let anyone else make up our minds for us.

Daddy and I are both making good on our promises to you. Gatlin and Ashley are, too. It all takes time, but when all is said and done, we are all sure you will be proud.

We are all going to plant trees for you, and Grandma and the kids are making a garden of flowers. (It's in the works, but the weather hasn't permitted the outdoors work.) You will be proud.

We are also going to see your headstone previews soon. Can hardly wait. It is a tribute to YOU!

Gatlin and Ashley tell us all the time how much they miss you, and talk to you all the time. I hope you can hear them. And Nikki signed your guestbook. She really misses you, too.

Love you, Mowgimon, Rest Easy! M.A.D.L.Y.!

P.S. Your clifford shoes are untied! Happy April Fool's Day, Baby! Just kidding. We love and miss you!

Monday, March 25, 2002 at 10:41 PM (CST)

Hello, all. There isn't much to say right now because we are very tired, and are looking forward to some much needed rest. Gatlin's birthday went great, aside from the fact that he was ill. He handled it very well, though. He didn't have any cake until breakfast this morning, and even then, didn't want more than a half a piece. He was so excited to be six! Ashley was also pretty excited for him.

When he blew out the candles, his wish was to have Chayton come back to life, then was to have him not to have died. We finally told him we would all like that, but unfortunately, all we could ask for is to see him in our dreams. He seemed satisfied with that...for the time being.

He and daddy were men's men this weekend! How awesome! Ashley was mommy's and grandma's girl, as usual. She took it upon herself several times to "clean the table" so we could get on with things. She amazes me all the time!

We also did something pretty cool as a family. We took an Easter Bunny out to Chayton's resting place (grave sounds too...icky yet) and Daddy and Gatlin pushed it into the ground, while Ashley decorated the dirt with artificial flowers she had picked up off the grass where there were no other resting places. There weren't many, but she managed to make it look beautiful, anyway. We all talked to Chayton and told him how much we love him.

Kinda kills us to think that we will have to do this until we die to be close to him, when all we want is another chance. It's really hard. The longer time rolls by, the harder it seems.

I put a thank you in the paper, and have a few more to put in other papers...that is hard as well. It's like a "letting go" that none of us are really ready for.

Chayman~
We love and miss you very much! One day we will be together again. You have made it, sweet boy, to wonderland. The place we all wish to go. You were the lucky one, and one day, we will be too. I still remember your smiling face, your soft touch, your tender voice, and you awesome giggle. We all do. You have done more for us than we may have ever done for ourselves. You have a brother and sister in Iowa that long to dream about you, and a sister in Minnesota that would be more than happy to encounter you in one of her dreams, too. And of course, mommy and daddy would never let a night go by that we don't ask to greet you. We are going to check and see if your picture for your stone is done, tomorrow. Hope it is, you will be the first to know, gorgeous! Love you bunches. M.A.D.L.Y.! Rest easy, Little Man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, March 21, 2002 at 12:06 AM (CST)

I hope that when I received this, it was okay to put it on here, but I want to, in a sense, brag about our children, and Chayton through the eyes of a caring person I may have never met had it not been for Chayton. This letter brought me to tears trying to read it aloud to Darrell, and he was as quiet as a mouse, of course, I had to speak up, because he was in the game room, but prior, I could hear life. We were both touched by this letter, and we would like to thank Ann not only for the letter, but for taking the time to meet our son and get to know him before it was too late. Others didn't take the opportunity or couldn't. It meant so much for you to be there for us, as it did with everyone else who wasn't or couldn't, and they signed the guestbook or sent e-mails. We received a tremendous amount of support from many people we didn't know, saying that Chayton had touched them in one way or another. Thanks again, all of you! The e-mail was titled Chayton memories.

HERE GOES...

Dearest Andersons

I couldn't stand up at Chayton's funeral to speak about what Chayton taught me and my memories of Chayton or to speak about what I would have said that day. And they are spoken from my heart here on these pages.

A few years ago a small child was coming around sellling stuff for his school. I purchased a framed poem that I have written here. I know that it pertains to the birth of a child but when I read it I think about
Chayton and you, his parents.

THE GIFT

God picked a rose from Heaven one day
and blessed it in a special way
from its petals He designed a face
so perfect with a style and grace
that it made the angels stop and stare
and wonder into whose care would this child be placed.

Then God picked a pair of matching stars
and gave the face two eyes
And carved a smile from an Angel's wing
that brightened up the sky
and then with the fragrance from the rose
He made a heart and soul
then dipped them in the stream of life that turned them into gold.

Then with a smile upon His face
as though it was meant to be
He breathed into the child his love
and handed the gift to me.
By: Ron Hatcher

I can only picture God giving Chayton life. And I think it's so beautiful.

Chayton was a rose. He was unique unlike no other person and was special from the very beginning. Chayton was perfect and an angel himself in this world and the world that he was created in by the Heavenly Father. His eyes spoke volumes. The day I first saw Chayton on the computer screen I thought he had the most beautiful eyes. In person he could look at you and see what
you were feeling. His smile told everyone what a wonderful little boy he was. When he smiled at me it melted my heart. Chayton had the heart and sould of many people put together. I believe that he knew how much you needed him and wanted him in your life. His heart and soul was made of
gold and he showed that to everyone that met him.

God gave you Chayton and you loved him as much as parents could love their child. God gave you the greatest gift of llife to take care of even though your time together was way too short. But the value of love and care you gave Chayton in such a short amount of earthly time was more than what
some children receive in a llifetime. I feel that God gave you Chayton as a precious gift from Heaven above to show all of us that even a little one like Chayton can impact and profoundly change the lives and outlook on life of many of us. Anyone that had met Chayton has learned so much. We have been given so much in such a small amount of time because of Chayton's life
here on earth and because of "Chayton's Journey".

Chayton confirmed my feeling that human life is very precious. He also taught me that one small child can give so much in such a small amount of time and he can affect so many by his smile and laugh.

I began my journey with Chayton when Fred brought home a journal entry from HCP. I tried to keep up with Chayton on caringbridge every Wednesday at the
library. I was hooked. This little boy touched my heart like no other.

The first time I met Chayton in person I went to Winthrop thinking if I don't go I'll never do this and I may miss the chance to meet this little man that I had fallen head over heels for. I met Dawn outside and we hugged and cried. It felt as though we had been friends for a long time. She asked me to come in and see her baby. Chayton was laying on the couch
sleeping in Daddy's arms. It wasn't long before he was up and chasing Gatlin and Ashley trying to spank them. He came over to me and tickled my toes. I would giggle and it would send him laughing and he would
return to do it again and again. Occasionally he would stop and hold his head and groan a little but that was all. He would then go again and chase his
brother and sister and laugh some more. As the minutes went on he came up to me and I held out my arms to him. He came and sat on my lap and smiled. We checked out his Clifford shoes. He laid his head on my shoulder and I melted into tears. It was the best gift that Chayton ever gave me.
Nothing could have been better than holding him and him holding me. He showed
me how he could throw kisses. He also showed me how he could eat pretzels. I
gave him a kiss and a hug before I left. I felt so good meeting this little man.

The second time I saw Chayton he was not feeling very well. He was having a light treatment while his dad held him so close and comfortable in his lap. He opened up his eyes a few times and laughed once after his dad told us what he would have liked to have done with a bill collector who had
called that day.

The next time I saw Chayton he was being held in the arms of his Mother, sleeping peacefully. As the phone rang and daddy played with Gatlin and Ashley I offered to hold sleeping Chayton. He opened his eyes and peeked at me. I was in the living room alone with Chayton while Darrel talked on
the phone and Dawn took a breather. As I sat there on the couch I told Chayton
how much he meant to me. I told him how much I had fallen in love with him, and how he had affected my life. he would peek at me once in awhile. I wondered if he understood why I was crying? Then a thought occurred to me "What if Chayton would die in my arms right then and there?" What would I do? What would I say? And what would I feel? And now I'd like to tell you, Darrel and Dawn that holding your son was the greatest priviledge your
family gave me. It felt so special to hold this fighter in my arms and I didn't want to let him go. Little did I know that this would be the last time I'd get to hold little Chay. When Darrel came into the room, Chay opened his eyes and pointed at his daddy and smiled and gave a few little
giggles. I rememeber asking Darrel if he thought that Chayton was comfortable sitting in my lap? I wanted Chayton to be happy. Darrel said yea he's smiling and giggling he's just fine. I enjoyed every minute that I had holding him.

The next time I saw Chayton he had definitely taken a turn toward the
worse. He laid in his mother's arms and then we weighed him. Then I saw for the
first time how Dawn and Darrel gave Chay his meds. I was impressed at how
these two worked together caring for their little guy. During my visit Chayton quit breathing twice. Panic stricken was the word we all felt but the fighter pulled through. Everytime I put my watch on I think of Chayton. We counted his breaths by using the second hand on my watch. Dawn
then put my hand on his stomach to feel him breathing. Things were changing fast. I knew this would be the last time I would see this little man alive on this earthly domain. When I got home I told Fred "I'd love to go back and see Chayton but I think it's family time now." Chayton still gave
it his all for another 1 1/2 weeks. He is truly a hero to me. He truly is a teacher to all of us.

Shortly after Chayton's passing I went to the library to check out the website. A lady at the library saw what I was looking at as she had many other times and she asked if I went to the funeral. I said that I had and told her how beautiful a service it was. She had previously told me
that she couldn't understand why God did this to little children. Why did he make
them suffer so and die. She had a nephew that had died at less than a year old and she said that it was one thing that she couldn't comprehend. At that point I defended God and I said that God didn't cause pain and diseases. But, after Chayton's Funeral I found myself laying in bed that night not being able to sleep thinking about Chayton and his family.
Fred too was also laying there not sleeping thinking also about you. In tears I
turned to Fred and I said "I know I have no right to question God, but in the last few days we have been talking about how God needed another angel in Heaven and that is why he chose Chay. Then I said But you know what Fred? God has to have so many angels in Heaven already with all of the lilttle
babies that are aborted and those that die before or during birth. Wasn't that enough? Why did he need Chay too?" A moment of anger at God for something I know wasn't his fault or anybody elses. So when I was looking up the website at the library and this lady had asked me about Chay's
Funeral I said to her "You know what? For the first time I now understand what you mean and feel about God taking little children. We talked some more and both of us ended up in tears. Then she said to me that she wondered if Chayton's death was suppose to teach her something or make her
remember her nephew who had passed away exactly 1 year to the date of Chayton's
passing. In silence we sat wondering if it was related and let our tears fall.

My only wish is that I would have come to know Chayton personally earlier on in his life. I wish I would have had this feeling of personal bond between us long before he was sick. My life will never be the same knowing what Chayton had to fight so hard against. And the word fighter fits him
very well as we all watched him fight the fight of a warrior hero.

My message to you Darrell and Dawn, Nicole, Ashley and Gatlin is probably best described by the passage I wrote on 2-14-02 in the guestbook. It was a letter of what I thought Chayton would be saying to you from Heaven and I signed it: Friend in Gibbon. Rereading it will help you understand what I want for the five of you.

I will never forget your family. I hope that somehow we can have a lasting friendship now as our lives go on with Chayton in our hearts and souls. He is there for you and will be with you forever. He is God's Rose, Star, and
Angel that was given to us to love and learn from and care for. He is now God's again.

I Love You Chay Man!!!!Your in my heart forever. I miss you.

My Love Always,

Ann Jutz

Wednesday, March 20, 2002 at 01:37 PM (CST)

It's a bigger fight to keep the plants alive than it was Chayton. Of course, Chayton was a fighter "FOR" the cause, and the plants are obviously against us. (That was sarcasm...I didn't mean to offend anyone.) Me and my brown thumb are still going for the gold!

We are currently seeking information on bereavement and grief counseling. We need it, as do our children. We feel it will be beneficial, as we have gotten our marraige back on track, and would like to keep it that way. Any advise?!?

Anyway, not much more to say. Thanks again.

Monday, March 18, 2002 at 01:26 AM (CST)

Yes, I know what time it is...but I can't sleep right now. I have not only been thinking of Chayton, but of the supporters, as well. Yes, you!

One of you wrote to the Children's Wish people. I know this because the FOUNDER called me bright and early Saturday morning. Imagine my surprise when she told me who she was! The purpose for the call was to tell me that she had called a special board meeting...the third ever...for Chayton. She felt she needed to explain the reason behind not being able to help with Chay's "Pish Wish". She said that she would have loved to, but since he is gone, they can't. One of the main reasons they do this is to publicize the circumstance, and to see the child's face light up when they see or hear of their wish becoming a reality. I was very appreciative of the call, yet amazed that I would receive one, anyway. To whomever wrote the letter...THANK YOU! Apparently, you let them know how I felt about it in your own words, which sparked them to at least try one more time, for the sake of the rest of us.

I am still disappointed, but hopeful that one day, Chayton's wish will be a reality. (We are learning it isn't as cheap as we thought it would be.) Chayton does have one fish. It's name is "Pish Posh". We are thankful we have him/her...don't know which. It is an awesome reminder of how Chayton used to smile when we were at the hospital and he would see the fish in the tanks...they were all so colorful and vibrant. He loved them.

I am having a tough time with motivation, as is Darrell. We have been told that is to be expected.

Another thing we were told, bless Marylynn for the enlightenment, was that when Gatlin tells people that his baby brother had a tumor, what he really wants is for them to ask him, "Oh, would you like to tell me about it?" She couldn't have been more right.

Ashley will only say she is sad, and then smile. She tends to change her emotions to what she feels you may need to hear. I am particularly concerned about that, because if she isn't able to connect with her own, it could cause greater hardships in the future.

Nikki is doing a report, or something along those lines, in school about all the rhabdoid kids. I am so proud of her. She is really an amazing young woman! Her heart doesn't stop at the teenage level.

Mowgli~

We will see you soon. It is your brother's birthday next Sunday, and we even got something for you. We miss and love you! Rest easy little man! M.A.D.L.Y.!!!!!!!

Don't forget about the other kids, and especially Dion. He needs our prayers!

Friday, March 15, 2002 at 10:54 AM (CST)

Well, I have taken the advice of many, and started writing Chayton's story. Not just the cancer part, but the first chapter is how we met, our kids, our marraige, our pregnancy and the birth of our little boy. I titled it Journey Of A Dying Young Boy Dubbed "THE FIGHTER"...The Story Of ME, Told By Mom. I don't think that is going to remain the title. I was thinking it should be more...lighthearted, and more focused on his entire life. Something like...Kissed By A Hero! I have finished the first Chapter, and started on the second. I read parts of it last night to company, and they all laughed and said the book was hilarious. I started it by saying...I would like to start this story with "Once upon a time" but that is only the beginning of fairytales. The story you are about to embark upon is that of a young boy, our son, who fought like a true veteran in the world of cancer. This story is not all sad. There are many happy memories that we will hold dear for years to come, and yes, there are sad memories that gave us strength in the long run. Chayton may have had a short life, but it was meaningful and dignified. He is our Hero... I have yet to name the first chapter, but the second is "We Finally Named Our Baby!" I hope it turns out okay. I have thought about not doing it, but I am not just doing it for us. Darrell wasn't exactly excited about me including some of the events, but they were of significance, and if I can't tell the truth, there is no story. He agrees now that it has been put together. He's more excited than I am.

Anyway, I am still doing the candles. I have to get busy, because I ran out of some...but I plan to keep it going in Chayton's memory. That little guy deserves it, and so do all the other people.

I received a call this morning that Gatlin is ill. He is having a hard time breathing. This has been happening a lot, lately. The poor little guy hardly slept last night, and this morning when I got the call, he took the phone and asked who all was here, then if Chayton was here. I told my dad that maybe no sleep has made him dilusional, but his rebuttal was more that the truth. He said, "No, Dawn, He's a kid." How true!

Mowgimon~
Missin' you like crazy. Daddy and I sat and did a lot of reminiscing last night. WOW! You are one cool little dude! Daddy asked me this morning who the man was, implicating himself, but I defended your title...I said, "CHAYTON!" Daddy just smiled and said, "Then who?" I knew he wanted me to say him, but I had to tell the truth and say it was a tie between him and Gatlin. Gatlin thinks and talks about you all the time. He really misses you. You were his favorite little brother, you know?!? Ashley is getting along pretty well, but she has her moments, too. She thinks about you and draws you and mommy pictures of pretty flowers EVERY SINGLE DAY!

Daddy is so amazed at some of your photos, and how happy you always were. We both agreed that when they pinned the name "Smiley" on you at the hospital, they knew what they were talking about.

I am feeling a sense of relief, today. I got a call saying the party was cancelled for this evening. I am really okay with that. It was going to be a bunch of us women hanging out, talking, spending money at another woman's house. Like we can afford to go out and blow cash like we picked it off the tree outback. That would be neat, but unfortunately, it's not a reality.

We got lots of snow. I am sure you would love to look out at it, but why am I telling you...you already know. I miss you, and Daddy does too. Gatlin, Ashley and Nikki really miss you, too.

Nikki and I talked about the "breakdown" and how it hasn't happened yet. I think mine has started. It only comes little by little. Nikki is having a pretty tough time, but you know how she is...strong willed, and doesn't want to let the hurt get to her too much. It will come, sweety. Gatlin and Ashley find comfort in talking about you all the time.

And Daddy, well, we both know Daddy was your boy, so he is burying himself in "what to do next". He is handling it well, though. He is still the glue. (And I always thought it was you kids. Telling you, "Get off me, glue!")

Rest Easy, Little Man. We will see you in a flash, your time. M.A.D.L.Y.!

Oh, I also wanted to ask you to do mommy and daddy a big favor...could you please look over Dion. He also has the monster trying to take him over, but Jesus is helping all he can. Can you help Jesus look after him. He isn't doing so well, sweety. I know you don't remember what it was like when you weren't doing so well, but he needs your help. Maybe bring Kylee with you, and you can work together to help him. Love you, Buddy.

Wednesday, March 13, 2002 at 08:02 PM (CST)

I don't have a lot to say right now. I am just letting you all know that we are back home and doing okay. It's kinda hard to be here. I didn't think so before, and Darrell talked to me on the way down to Iowa about it, and now, I realize that "yes", it is hard, and "yes", I can say it. It is VERY hard being here. I don't know exactly why, though. I miss Gat 'n' Ash somethin' fierce, and Chay to a point I don't know if I will ever get over it. I feel like my world ended. Darrell said I have to get on with my life, and that doesn't mean to leave Chayton behind, but it's like all I want to do is watch TV, sleep, talk on the phone to family or come on the computer and check on other kids. (I disagree...I read a lot, too). I know what he is getting at. He thinks I need to get out and have some fun. I don't think I am ready for fun, yet. Maybe I am. I was invited to a party for Friday. It's only an hour or two, so I think I can handle that. I never really had much of a life when Chayton was ill, and before that, my life basically consisted of taking care of our home and my kids. With all three of the little one's away from me, I have to admit...I am lost. I don't feel like being surrounded all the time by people. Not that I don't like it...I just don't feel like it. Darrell thinks I am running away from a pain that will always be there despite what I try to do to rid myself of it. I don't think I am running from anything, but maybe I am. I don't know. I do know that we are going to start therapy, soon. We all need it. Chayton was a special little boy, and we all have issues with his loss.

Lori showed me pictures of Chayton today that just melted my heart. I almost forgot about them. He was so full of character, and that is one little man that knew he was LOVED!!!

It's strange. The more we think about the coincidences of Chayton's "dates" to remember, and other important dates...the more wild it seems. Chayton's bad days...dx...were always on Wednesday. Not just Wednesday, but he passed away on Ash Wednesday. His birthday this year is on Mother's Day. Gatlin's Birthday is on Palm Sunday. How significant is all this?!? I didn't want to lose him on Valentine's Day, because I didn't want to have that be a "bad" holiday for the other kids...little did I realize, it was Ash Wed. when he went. Let alone Wednesday, period! Then, that along with Palm Sunday, Good Friday, etc., are all Easter related. Do you know what Easter is really about? I do. It just makes it that much more special! (Easter isn't about a bunny, bunch of colored eggs, or candy...it's about Jesus and what happened to him.) Mother's Day is just a fluke thing. It's weird, though. I hadn't mentioned this before, but we were married the day before Father's Day in '99, and the year prior, we lost a baby on Father's Day. Mother's Day and Father's Day will both be a "bitter sweet" remembrance from here on out. Ironic how things are all entwined together through little twists of fate, for good or bad. Not that it's such a big deal, but it is ironic, to say the least.

Chay,

We love and miss you. Got something special to tell ya...peak in soon, 'kay, babe! Rest easy, Little Man. M.A.D.L.Y.!!!

Sunday, March 10, 2002 at 08:34 PM (CST)

Hello. I have been out of town, in Iowa, for the past few days. I would like to thank EVERYONE who signed Kylee's guestbook and offered encouraging words to her family. They are wonderful people. Kylee will be greatly missed.

We are leaving in the morning or afternoon tomorrow (Monday) already to go back down for her services that will be held on Tuesday.

I don't know what to say. It seems like one of the first times, I am at a complete loss for words. I had high hopes that something would turn around for Chayton, then for Kylee. I kinda set myself up, I guess. It is so painful to think that these kids have to endure such things in their lives, and even more so that the parents and elder generations have to watch it as well. I had always hoped I would see our children grow up into adulthood, coming home asking questions about helping their kids' scraped knee. (Always a dreamer, and dreaming ahead 99.9% of the time.) Little did I know, this would be NOTHING compared to what they would endure in their childhood! Nobody deserves this. NOBODY!

Gat 'n' Ash are doing fairly well considering. We were at a motel over the weekend, and Gatlin innocently told passersby on our way to the pool, that his baby brother had a brain tumor. They just smiled and said "oh". Then went into their room. Nikki and I just looked at eachother, and I mumbled a brief apology for Gatlin's statement. Later that night, I had to lay and wonder why I had apologized for that. I don't know, yet. I think the reason he had even mentioned it, is because they had a little boy who looked to be close to the size and age Chay was, and it sparked something in Gatlin. When I had apologized, both Gatlin and Ashley turned to look at me, then turned away. I hope I didn't make them think it was wrong to talk about him or think about him. Today, they spoke of him, again, and that eased my fears to some degree. Without having to bring it up on my own, I was able to tell them that it was okay to talk about Chayton ANY time they wanted to. But, that some people, even grown ups don't know what to say, and that makes it seem weird. It's still okay.

Nikki and I think Chayton came to help her last night. It was the strangest thing! She went down by the pool/arcade area of the hotel and was going to play the "crane game". (I don't know the specific term) Her dad gave her money to get this soft leather looking ball with the american flag on it for Chay. We were going to put it on his monument when it's done. The ball was gone, so Nik tried for something else. My thing with Chay was Dolphins, and low and behold, she snagged a dolphin. She brought it back, and told us someone else had gotten the ball. Darrell asked if they were still there, and she said yeah, so he sent her out with money to see if they would sell it to her. She told them what the plan was, and the lady gave it to her. She brought the ball back, and decided to get something for Gatlin and Ashley. She came back with the money gone, and three more animals. Two "colorful, tropical fish" and a dinosaur! Fish were what Chay's wish was about, and his favorite game was dinosaur! Coincidence? We are a bit convinced Chayton was standing over her shoulder, because just prior to that, we were talking about him.

I have been reading a book that tells a lot about where the fourth dimension really is, and explains the ability of "spirit guides" which is what the soul becomes when they leave their human form. It makes a lot of sense. It also tells of how some things, you may think are a spirit, but are not, and some spirits you may think of as "Aunty Roberta" and it may be "Uncle Alfred", in all actuality. Strange, but I like the book and happen to think it is very explicit and it draws mental images for you to visualize as you pass through the pages.

Enough about that, hope all is well in the rest of the world.

Chaybabe~

Hope you are having fun in Heaven. Did you see Kylee, yet?!? Give her extra care, honey...she deserves it. She helped your mommy and daddy with their own issues. She is a precious little girl. I hope you and all the other babies are having fun in Heaven's Daycare. Loving you and missing you...M.A.D.L.Y.!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, March 07, 2002 at 07:33 PM (CST)

At times I think I update WAY more often than I probably should. I just wanted to let you know that I changed the pics again, and Chay's last crib won't be back up until we get it scanned for better clarity.

Also, I realized something lastnight. Remember when Chay was first diagnosed? Remember the day of the week? And the day he was operated on? And the day we learned it was rhabdoid? And the day he started chemo? How about the day that I said was the worst day of our lives? Wednesday! That was the day. It continues to be, but the more I think about it, the worse it is. Another reason popped into my head, and to be honest, I hadn't thought of it before. I hadn't been keeping track of the days of the week since he has been gone, but Chay passed away on Wednesday. How significant is that? I think Chayton and Jesus had a deal...and that deal was to not let our family suffer another day of the week the way we did on those Wednesdays.

Mowgli~
Hey gorgeous, Mommy, Daddy, Gatlin and Ashley love you! We miss you a lot. One day we will all ride Clifford together. We are sure there is plenty of room on his back! We keep thinking about you, baby, and with all the pain, is also a sweet band of memories that we cherish most. 'Til we meet again, sweet boy!

Now I've laid you down to sleep,
I pray the Lord your soul to keep.
If I should die before I wake,
I pray for Chay, my soul to take.
If I should stay for one more day,
I'll talk and sing and pray to Chay.

You are my HERO and always will be. Rest Easy Little Man, and we'll see you in our dreams. P.S. Gat 'n' Ash will be looking for your star...when they see you, give 'em a wink and watch their faces light up like little sunshines on Earth! M.A.D.L.Y. FOR ALWAYS!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, March 07, 2002 at 09:14 AM (CST)

My apologies for not writing sooner. Things got a little out of control in Iowa. Not really, but the kids didn't want us to leave, so we stayed longer.

Someone asked what Chayton's last crib was because they were unable to make it out on the computer. I will tell you first of all, it is a picture of a picture. I didn't get the whole thing on there, and part of our COUCH shows up under the picture. If you are still having a hard time figuring it out, it is of Chayton's casket. It was white, with teddybears all around it, and one on top inside, with angel wings. Also, there was a white rose inside, and balloons for Chayton. The photo was taken on Valentine's Day...the day after he passed away.

I received a new poem last night that says exactly how I feel, or the closest to it. It is called REMEMBERING By Elisabeth Dent.
Go ahead and mention my child.
The one that died, you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further.
My depth of pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying on the inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending he didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that he has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing.
I said "pretty good" or "fine".
But healing is something ongoing.
I feel it will take a lifetime.

Isn't that an awesome poem!!!

Anyway, I do have to say that when we saw Kylee, we knew right away, she is a professor, too. Only at Kylee University. This little chicky-babe would point, and people would scatter and she would nod her head yes or no to let them know what she wanted. It was great to see that. And the way she would go back and forth with Grandma and Mom was spectacular, concidering she was not wanting anyone to feel left out. I am telling you all, now that I have seen two of these children, I am even more touched. (Along with our Chayman, too, of course.) The disposition that these kids carry is so wonderful. I am sorry for going on and on, but I really am touched by this little Sweet Pea. If you didn't see it yesterday, in the guestbook, there is another page for Kylee as well. It is at www.kyleefowler.faithweb.com and it was created by her 17 year old cousin, Trenton. He did a GRAND job on this project! Check it out! Don't forget to keep checking in on her at Caringbridge, too.

Thanks for all the support. We are trying to take things moments at a time, and with out the support, that probably wouldn't even be possible.

Mowgymon~
Hey you, there in the sky! I see you and do my best not to cry. Someone once told me that I shouldn't cry if I wanted you to be free. I am sorry Chayton. I DO want you to be free. Really, I do. But I hurt so bad, I can't help not crying at times. And what is worse, I try to stop and I only cry harder. I don't know how to handle the emotions I have welling up day by day, and when they break out, I don't know how to handle me! Sweety, don't think that I am sad all the time, though. Parts of me are happy that you are playing in Jesus' Daycare in the sky, and bouncing on his knee. But the rest of me dies inside, because you aren't here with me. Your brother and sister cry for you a lot, too. And daddy is doing his best to hold on to you day and night. (He is the backbone this time). When I get there, I want to hold you all the time. Jesus will be jealous of all the time I am going to spend with you! Okay, maybe he won't be jealous, because it will be a break from playing Dinosaur, or chasing you down on Clifford. Man, I can see it now. Your hair blowing back, your smile as big as my sky, and your head tilted back enjoying the ride! Daddy said you were having lots of fun up there playing with all the other kids. I sure hope so. We love you, Smiley. Rest easy little mad, and remember M.A.D.L.Y. for always!!!

Monday, March 04, 2002 at 08:52 PM (CST)

Today we saw Kylee, and she is the most one of the most beautiful little girls we have ever seen. She is so full of life. And full of expressions. It was a real treat for me because it brought Chayton back to life for me. I fell in love on her web page, and even more so in person. We are in Iowa, and we are going to look at other monuments tomorrow. The kids don't know we are down here yet, but they will in about an hour. I gave Kylee a doll that we got at Michael's benefit. I presented it to her from Chayton and Michael, and on behalf of ALL Rhabdoid children. As far as Darrell and I, it was helpful for us to visit with Kylee and her family. Thanks for the continued support and I will update again soon.

(This was written by Lisa (Michael's mom)

Monday, March 04, 2002 at 10:37 AM (CST)

Just a quick note for the poem that will be on Chayton's monument...

It reads:
The stars are a little bit brighter,
The moon has a mystical glow,
The North Star, it seems
To have magical beams,
The Dippers are dipping just so.

The planets are dancing in orbit,
While Libra is tipping her scales.
The Gemini Twins
Are each sporting wide grins,
Orion the Hunter regales.

In Heaven the gates are wide open,
And Gabriel's blowing his horn.
Each creature is blessed,
And each angel is dressed,
The finest of halos are worn.

Saint Peter has rolled out the carpet,
And polished each pillar and dome,
In joy and elation
Of God's celebration,
For Chayton the Fighter's come home.

I love you, little man.
In loving memory of Chayton Hunter Anderson
By-Claudia Allen.

I hope you enjoy reading the poem as much as we do. It is a wonderful tribute to our little Mowgli. We are on our way out to go down to Iowa, check on other monuments, and to see Kylee Rae Fowler. (We have surprises for her!) *That is if things are going well enough for her to have company, which I hope they are.

Thanks for the support, and God Bless. The Anderson Family.

Sunday, March 03, 2002 at 08:21 PM (CST)

Sorry for keeping you hanging on for so long...we went to Michael's benefit, and it was AWESOME to say the least! There was music, and even Michael sang, and rang the bells! He is a wonderful little boy! I have to tell you, I think the highlights of the night were the fresh, hot, baked apple pie that sold for $125! A generous man that bought tickets to see the Timberwolves, and gave them to Tony to take Michael to see them, and he also bought a bike and gave it to Michael! Isn't that great!?!

I also saw Colleen there, Angel Katie's mom. She had Sara, Katie's baby sister, there, and I played with her and walked around with her. Man, was that good for me! Even her and Darrell played a little! One of the games we played was peak-a-boo. When I came home and went to bed, I dreamt of Chayton and I playing peak-a-boo the way we always did. He would be on my lap, facing forward, and I would move from side to side, and he would look to catch me at the other side before I got there! Then he would turn around, and put a hand on each cheek of my face and look into my eyes and giggle. In my dream, he did this, and when he put his hands on my face, I closed my eyes, and opened them to say P.A.Boo one more time, and I saw Sara, again. Just that glimpse of him was enough. I miss him so much, and I think Sara helped me dream about him. Who knows, had we not played that, I may not have had the dream.

Before we went to the benefit, we looked at monuments for Chay. We found one that we both liked. It is fine black granite, and angles up on both sides, kinda going outward. Then towards the top, it goes back together forming a point at the top. Kinda like a diamond shape, but the bottom is longer, and doesn't go to a point. It will have Chayton Hunter "The Fighter" Anderson on the front, and his dates of birth to Earth and Heaven. Above that, it will have a Harley Davidson with Chayton riding it, and angel wings on his back. Below the words it will have Clifford The Big Red Dog. The top left side, where it is flat, as most tops are, angling upward, it will say Mowgli, and on the right, going downward, it will say Smiley. Then, going down each side, left side first, it will say Rest Easy, and the right side will say Little Man. The front on the bottom will say Son of Darrell and Dawn Anderson and below that will say brother of Nicole, Ashley and Gatlin. The back will have another picture of him, and the poem written by Claudia Allen, about Chayton "The Fighter's" come home. And last, but not least, his "puppy" will be on the bottom left side on the back. All these pictures, they will use of Chayton. His face, body, etc. As well as "puppy". We will have a picture of the finished product put on here. The stone, at this point is around $4100., but that is a small fee concidering he deserves the best, whether we can afford it right now, or not, and that we will never have another payment accrued for him. No more clothes, no yearbooks, no college, no wedding, nothing. We figure he is worth every red cent!

We are so thankful for all the support we are still receiving. It has been painful, and yet, some of the pain is lessened by what you all have to say. We know that we are not alone, and that Chayton was loved by people who never even met him. That is the best thing for us right now!

Please, everyone. I am asking that you all say an extra prayer for little Kylee. Things are sounding like what Chayton went through, and I am worried about her. She is a wonderful little WOMAN! Her link is at the bottom of the page.

Thanks again, and I am sorry for not updating sooner. Tomorrow, we are going to Iowa for the day, and will be very busy, so I don't know how long before I will update. We are also going to try to get down to see Kylee, since we will be in Waverly, and Waterloo is not far. Bless you all.

Mowgymon,
Mommy and Daddy miss you and love you. We still wait to hold you in our arms and dreams. Another mommy told me that she felt like she didn't know what to do with her arms after her little girl went to Heaven. That is the same feeling we have, but we didn't know how to word it. We feel so empty, and feel like we should still be toting you around. We really miss you! Gatlin and Ashley are waiting for a dream of all three of you. Remember when you were little and they would play mommy and daddy and try to take care of you?!? They miss that. I know you probably don't because they would never let you walk or crawl, and you loved freedom, but baby, they loved you, and still do. Slip into their dreams and wink at them, at least once, okay?!? Rest Easy Little Man, M.A.D.L.Y.!

Saturday, March 02, 2002 at 09:58 AM (CST)

Good morning. If you can call it that. I received more sad news this morning. Jared, another rhabdoid child, earned his wings February 14, the day after Chayton, bringing the total to 6 losses in the rhabdoid community for the month of February! OUCH!

We are going to the Michael Woodroffe benefit today. Michael is the miracle boy who survived this horrible monster, against all odds! He is about 3 years out, and trudging forward, still. The road has been long and hard, but he is doing a fine job making his own path!

I have been working on Chayton's newest page, and I am having a hard time e-mailing everyone, so if you would like the address, please e-mail naughty3@prairie.lakes.com. That'll make it faster than going through yahoo to get back to you.

I was up most of the night thinking about Chay, crying uncontrollably. I couldn't even pin point why. I don't even remember if I dreamt or not. Pr'y not, cuz all I wanted was to see Chay, and I would remember that!

We are also going to look at monuments today. We are positive that Chayton should only have the best, so that is why we are kinda taking our time.

I have decided to start another thing...I don't know how well it will go over, but with donations, people can contribute to "The Little People's Warrior Flag Fund" where I will send families of lost babies to cancer an american flag, and also, send them to the survivors, so if anything were to ever happen to them, they would get their flag. I don't know how it is going to go, but I do know it is going to be on the expensive side, concidering we are "POE". I can't even say poor because we can't afford the "r".

We are still doing Chayton's Fire, and that is a separate account all of it's own. I am searching for someone to sponsor. We sponsored Michael in December, Kylee and Alexis in January, and February is still sitting in the Chayton's Fire account.

Anyway, not much more to say at this time.

Chay, baby, mommy and daddy love you and miss you, and your brother and sisters are heartbroken over you, but one day, we will meet again. Did you kiss mommy last night? I didn't feel it if you did, and I am sorry. Could you please try one more time?!? I love you Mowgli. Rest easy little man. M.A.D.L.Y.

Friday, March 01, 2002 at 08:26 PM (CST)

It has been a heck of a day, all the way around! Not that anything too out of the ordinary occurred. Just that this evening, Darrell and I went to town, and I happened to be walking by the toy section, (after passing the baby section only moments before)and I lost it. There was a battery operated train that runs on a track there. I thought I was going to die of a broken heart right there. I honestly couldn't do anything but cry. Darrell just pulled me along, and said if we can't go to town anymore, so be it, we won't. I don't know why it hit me so hard, there, but it did. Chayton loved "Choo Choos". He was quite the man!

Darrell had a dream last night about Chayton, and to be honest, while I was happy for him, I was also envious. Why didn't I have the dream? I am the one who had the dreams from the time I was pregnant on...and they were usually right on! Why now, can I not dream? Not only about Chayton, but I haven't dreamt since the night he took Jesus by the hand. I can't believe it's been so long! It seems like yesterday!

I talked to my mom, and she told me when the time is right, I will dream. I didn't know if she was right or not, but how could she be wrong? I have to dream sooner or later, right?! Then, Darrell had said he talked to Gatlin's preschool teacher, and she had told him that I won't dream about Chayton until the time is right, and only I and Chayton will know when that is. It sucks because I need to see him, NOW!

I think another reason the train bothered me was because Gatlin has 2 powerwheels and Ashley has 1, too. I had also bought one for Chayton, but when he was little, I sold it on a garage sale because he was more into throwing balls around and playing tickle games. Now I wish I had kept it. He only rode it like twice, maybe three times. He pr'y would have liked it more when he was bigger. What the heck was I thinking?!? It was a mutual descision, though, and Darrell said we have to be okay with it because anything else will eat us alive. Sorry, babe, it's already happening.

In Darrell's dream, (and he NEVER dreams!) Chayton was playing with him, laughing and talking up a storm. He said he was aware in his dream that Chayton was gone, and that his eyes were filmy, but he was having a good time. Darrell said he knew even though Chay was looking at him, he couldn't see. Darrell also said that Chayton said something to the effect that Chayton knew he was loved and that THAT was why he came back...because he knew how much we missed him. Then he had to go, and Darrell said that was the end of the dream. I think it really was Mowgli, coming back to tell Daddy that it would be okay. Chay was Daddy's master, you know. That may be why Daddy was first.

Gatlin said that he has dreamt of Chay, too. Just that they played, and he told Chay he loved him and missed him. Ashley hasn't said much about it, and neither has Nikki.

There is a newly discovered rhabdoid baby. It's so sad. This baby is less than a year old, and also from Minnesota. So heartbreaking. Although, the baby went through resection, and came out fine, with the tumor gone! It's a good start, if you can call anything about this "good". I guess that was a bad word, because I HATE it. I don't care who it is, NOBODY deserves to go through this!

Anyway, I am hoping all is well out there in the rest of the world. My world is cloudy, and often misty, but the sunshine has to come back one day. I have faith in my little guardian angel.

Chayton, little man, mommy and daddy miss and love you. Hope you are having fun chasing Jesus around up there pretending to be a dinosaur. I can still see you walking away from me when I would start before you, turning half way around so that I could barely see Clifford on your shoe, and yet I could see your face, with a disturbed, innocent look, pointing your finger half way at me and the other half at the ceiling, saying, "Naughneey", with the most serious look, then turning away to walk on. (Then I can see you start to smile a little as you turn back around, with the grin continuing to grow, as you giggle and chase me with your dinosaur walk!) That is the best, kiddo. I hope you and the other daycare kids are easy on Jesus. The rest of us need him, too. Do me a BIG favor tonight, mowgymon. I will understand if you are too busy, but I would really love it if you would just soar on down here, and brush mommy with one of your angel kisses. I need one. Mommy is sad, but I think it would help if you even just softly brushed my hair back. ANYTHING. Baby, I miss you so much. I never knew this kind of pain in my entire life, and so far NOTHING compares to this. We are thankful that we were able to be with you, but it still hurt! I know you feel better now, Smiley, but mommy and daddy are tore up. I feel like I can't breathe. Just blow a kiss to mommy...something.

I almost forgot, remember our angel friend in NC...S H E has a S U R P R I S E for Y O U!!! I don't want to tell you what it is yet, but it has to do with your "Pish Wish". Told you she was an angel! We will have to see. Nothing is set in stone, but one way or another, Mowg, you WILL get your wish!

I have to tell you, you made Daddy's whole day, pr'y week and month! Daddy was so happy when he woke up this morning! (The right side of the bed, again...tee hee) That Daddy, he was always pickin' wasn't he!?! Sweety, I will understand if you are busy, but could you also do one more thing? Please look after your brother and sisters. They are all reminiscing about you, and I just want to be sure that nothing bad can happen to them. I love you, Mowgli. I miss you! Rest easy little man, and one of these days, give J.C. a rest too. He's pr'y worn out between you, Sarah and all the other babies up there. M.A.D.L.Y.

Friday, March 01, 2002 at 08:26 PM (CST)

It has been a heck of a day, all the way around! Not that anything too out of the ordinary occurred. Just that this evening, Darrell and I went to town, and I happened to be walking by the toy section, (after passing the baby section only moments before)and I lost it. There was a battery operated train that runs on a track there. I thought I was going to die of a broken heart right there. I honestly couldn't do anything but cry. Darrell just pulled me along, and said if we can't go to town anymore, so be it, we won't. I don't know why it hit me so hard, there, but it did. Chayton loved "Choo Choos". He was quite the man!

Darrell had a dream last night about Chayton, and to be honest, while I was happy for him, I was also envious. Why didn't I have the dream? I am the one who had the dreams from the time I was pregnant on...and they were usually right on! Why now, can I not dream? Not only about Chayton, but I haven't dreamt since the night he took Jesus by the hand. I can't believe it's been so long! It seems like yesterday!

I talked to my mom, and she told me when the time is right, I will dream. I didn't know if she was right or not, but how could she be wrong? I have to dream sooner or later, right?! Then, Darrell had said he talked to Gatlin's preschool teacher, and she had told him that I won't dream about Chayton until the time is right, and only I and Chayton will know when that is. It sucks because I need to see him, NOW!

I think another reason the train bothered me was because Gatlin has 2 powerwheels and Ashley has 1, too. I had also bought one for Chayton, but when he was little, I sold it on a garage sale because he was more into throwing balls around and playing tickle games. Now I wish I had kept it. He only rode it like twice, maybe three times. He pr'y would have liked it more when he was bigger. What the heck was I thinking?!? It was a mutual descision, though, and Darrell said we have to be okay with it because anything else will eat us alive. Sorry, babe, it's already happening.

In Darrell's dream, (and he NEVER dreams!) Chayton was playing with him, laughing and talking up a storm. He said he was aware in his dream that Chayton was gone, and that his eyes were filmy, but he was having a good time. Darrell said he knew even though Chay was looking at him, he couldn't see. Darrell also said that Chayton said something to the effect that Chayton knew he was loved and that THAT was why he came back...because he knew how much we missed him. Then he had to go, and Darrell said that was the end of the dream. I think it really was Mowgli, coming back to tell Daddy that it would be okay. Chay was Daddy's master, you know. That may be why Daddy was first.

Gatlin said that he has dreamt of Chay, too. Just that they played, and he told Chay he loved him and missed him. Ashley hasn't said much about it, and neither has Nikki.

There is a newly discovered rhabdoid baby. It's so sad. This baby is less than a year old, and also from Minnesota. So heartbreaking. Although, the baby went through resection, and came out fine, with the tumor gone! It's a good start, if you can call anything about this "good". I guess that was a bad word, because I HATE it. I don't care who it is, NOBODY deserves to go through this!

Anyway, I am hoping all is well out there in the rest of the world. My world is cloudy, and often misty, but the sunshine has to come back one day. I have faith in my little guardian angel.

Chayton, little man, mommy and daddy miss and love you. Hope you are having fun chasing Jesus around up there pretending to be a dinosaur. I can still see you walking away from me when I would start before you, turning half way around so that I could barely see Clifford on your shoe, and yet I could see your face, with a disturbed, innocent look, pointing your finger half way at me and the other half at the ceiling, saying, "Naughneey", with the most serious look, then turning away to walk on. (Then I can see you start to smile a little as you turn back around, with the grin continuing to grow, as you giggle and chase me with your dinosaur walk!) That is the best, kiddo. I hope you and the other daycare kids are easy on Jesus. The rest of us need him, too. Do me a BIG favor tonight, mowgymon. I will understand if you are too busy, but I would really love it if you would just soar on down here, and brush mommy with one of your angel kisses. I need one. Mommy is sad, but I think it would help if you even just softly brushed my hair back. ANYTHING. Baby, I miss you so much. I never knew this kind of pain in my entire life, and so far NOTHING compares to this. We are thankful that we were able to be with you, but it still hurt! I know you feel better now, Smiley, but mommy and daddy are tore up. I feel like I can't breathe. Just blow a kiss to mommy...something.

I have to tell you, you made Daddy's whole day, pr'y week and month! Daddy was so happy when he woke up this morning! (The right side of the bed, again...tee hee) That Daddy, he was always pickin' wasn't he!?! Sweety, I will understand if you are busy, but could you also do one more thing? Please look after your brother and sisters. They are all reminiscing about you, and I just want to be sure that nothing bad can happen to them. I love you, Mowgli. I miss you! Rest easy little man, and one of these days, give J.C. a rest too. He's pr'y worn out between you, Sarah and all the other babies up there. M.A.D.L.Y.

Thursday, February 28, 2002 at 10:52 AM (CST)

*SECOND ENTRY OF THE DAY*

WOW! I just went back and counted, and came to a harsh realization! Chayton was the first to pass in February. Since his passing, Gigi passed away, then Korbin, Pierce and Alexey. 5 children lost their lives to this in 13 days! The last three were only a day apart! Concidering the few cases there are, this is a horrific reality!

Also, I would like to ask everyone, once again, to pray for Kylee. She is going through very similar things that Chayton went through, and I want them to know there is support out there. Her address is at the bottom of the page, again. Thanks...

*FIRST ENTRY OF THE DAY*

Good morning. At least it has been so far. My beautiful babies called me this morning before school! Isn't that nice?!? They are soooo thoughtful. They wondered how I was doing and told me to give Daddy hugs and kisses. I was up pretty late, and worried that I might miss their call. What a sense of relief when I woke to the sound of the telephone ringing at 10 to 7 this morning! They are so sweet! It's weird, because even now, I catch myself taking them for granted. Amazing how one could suffer such a great loss, and yet find themselves taking their other blessings for granted!

I received a poem last night on my e-mail, and I have to tell you, every time I read it, it makes more sense! I am so thankful that there are people out there that know when to give us such an incredible gift of words! Did you ever know the english language was so full of kind, helpful, MEANINGFUL words?!?

I am so thankful that everyone feels comfortable talking about Chayton, yet! This helps, to know how touching his journey has been. His character is undescribable, he was just plain great! And he still is great, where ever he is!

I have changed a couple things on his page, like the background, obviously, but also the address to where he is, and the e-mail address for this site. I had to created one that was just for him, that would be appropriate. I called it mowgli's war.

I hope Chayton is having fun in Heaven. One thing that boggles me is, the other night, in the car, I looked and looked for a star. I was getting quite upset because the moon was so brilliant, and yet I couldn't see any stars! I searched the sky, and then I captured in my sight, the faintest star out there. So now, it was only the moon and one star. I kept thinking to myself, "Is Chayton making the moon so bright, because that star is so dim, and he was a shiner!?!" Then, Darrell asked what was wrong, why I was so quiet. I told him my dilemna...that I couldn't find what I thought would be Chayton's star. I only found one star, and the moon. Darrell actually slowed down, told me where to look, that the sky was full of stars. Still, nothing. Finally, he pointed out a path for me to follow. WOW! To my surprise, the sky WAS full of stars. Now, because I couldn't see any of the others, I think that Chayton was the faint little star, and the moon was Heaven's Daycare looking for him because he had ventured off to let us see him. I know it pr'y sounds crazy, but that was my thought. I am not willing to change my mind on it, either.

I never knew how many people had suffered the loss of a child. It always seemed so unrealistic to me. I thought it rarely ever happened. Was I proven wrong! It's painful to think of all the little people who left before they saw the world, but then again, I think Chayton may have been a lucky one. We are stuck here to suffer his loss of life, and he is playing in Heaven. Why is the world of life so cruel?!?

I have a lot of work to get done around here, so I have to get moving, but I would like you to read the poem that was sent to me, lastnight, and then you will see why it was so nice. It kinda reminds me of the song I wrote for Darrell that was sang at Chayton's Celebration of Life in Winthrop.

Thanks to all supporters, Chayton's "lost without him" family.

Mommy and Daddy, please don't cry,
Jesus sings me a lullaby.
We run through the fields of shimmering gold,
He tells me the stories of days of old.
I run and play now and climb a tree,
Did you know he evens plays with me?

Jesus said I could write to you,
He knows your days are sad and blue.
But Mommy, there's no pain now, it's gone away.
I'm home again, and I really want to stay.
I've seen Daddy pretend to be strong and brave,
But I see tears flow at the foot of my grave!

Daddy, don't you know, I'm really not there,
I have a mansion here high in the air.
Mommy, hold Daddy close and be happy once more,
I'll be waiting to greet you at Heaven's door.
Together we'll run through the fields of gold,
And you know what Mommy, we'll never grow old!!

Wednesday, February 27, 2002 at 04:12 PM (CST)

There are so many things to say, and so many thanks to send for all of those wonderful words and words of wisdom! I have to tell you, there have been several things said today, or that I have read, that seem to make things more clear.

First, I rec'd a card today from the Brown family in Iowa. They told of how there were two boys who lost their lives in the past year, to hunting accidents, and how 50-75% of the students wore their names on their shoes. Then of how Chayton's name was added. I cried and cried! I cannot tell you enough how important that felt...for Chayton. Not that he would have been old enough to understand, but it meant SOOOOO much to Darrell and I. I sat in the grocery store parking lot, just weaping as I read those words. I had to put down the letter several times. I wondered if I would be able to finish it. I took it home to Darrell, along with all the others, and as he read it, he had the strangest look of pride all over his face. This card came from my home-town, which made it even more so meaningful. Don't get me wrong, all cards were awesome, but this one really stood out and said, "Dawn, it's okay, he won't be forgotten!" That is what helped me get started on my path to emotional recovery.

I was e-mailing this morning with another person who told me that their family had suffered a tragedy and lost a child about 6 years ago, and that what Darrell and I were feeling were normal thoughts of a parent. That made me feel better, too. I had been worried.

Then I came to Chayton's page, not knowing if I would see anything, because not many are left on here, and I find two entries down in the guestbook a poem that seems to have been made more specific to Chayton by the manipulation of words. WOW! I cried, I filled the pitcher and then some.

I would like to thank everyone for helping me open a door that I had been blocking with every bit of might I had in me, even if just cracking it ajar slightly. I know that it must be getting close to my start of grief in an ultimate way. It's really quite scarey to think that one day I may forget the pain, as it has been such a big part of me for so long.

We had to get the oximeter, pump, oxygen machine, and oxygen tanks out today. At first, I thought nothing of it. Then as it was his time to go, I had to sit down in the livingroom. I couldn't even look up at him when I called out my good-bye. Darrell found himself in the same situation. See, not everything is different. Just seems like it.

To be honest, I didn't think I was going to make it in our relationship. Darrell was the glue. I wanted to give up and run away to live in a land of bliss where nothing sad or bad ever happens. I wanted to "soar" throughout the land, as if nothing bad had ever happened. I knew that I wouldn't have been able to do this realistically, but at the same time, wishful thinking was my guide. Darrell told me that we would make it through, and I had to trust him. I am ever so thankful that he IS the most wonderful man and I am the luckiest woman. He tells how he is so lucky to have found me, but I must say, I haven't been without luck, either. And the kids are also a blessing.

Where would we be today had Chayton never gotten sick? That is a question I ask myself often. The only answer I have is, no matter where we stood financially, we are the richest people for having known him and having him in our lives.

Thank you all for your support, we appreciate it immensely. Dawn, Darrell and family.

Tuesday, February 26, 2002 at 09:55 PM (CST)

I don't know where to start. But I am going to take a shot at it...

I am bothered by the fact that our Chayton's car seat is no longer in the car, but that was a part of Darrell's healing process, so I must respect that. I sit there in the car, and find myself turning just so, so that I can barely see what would have been his seat with peripheral vision, and it's gone. That just reinforces the fact that Chayton is no longer in our care. OUCH! It hurts.

To try to put into words how I felt this evening is going to be difficult, but I will do my best to come close. I felt as though there were a pillow, big and heavy, resting on my head, covering me so that I could hardly breathe properly. The feeling seemed more intense the more I recognized it. My heart felt like Zorro came along and slashed it in three leaving no physical markings on my outer body. Then, to top it off, some big bruiser came along, reached in, pulled it out, stomped on it, mashed it around, scraped it up, and shoved it, with unbelievable, undeniable force, back into my chest, leaving all the dirt and mud clumps on it. That comes close to the feeling I had.

Darrell and I have been doing much better in the communications department, but it's hard to talk to him about how I feel because he is moving through the motions so much more quickly than I. Not that he doesn't care, it may be because he let out all of his emotions during the ceremonies for Chayton, and I did my best to hold them in. I don't like other people to see my pain to that degree. I don't know why, maybe because I am afraid it will just make it worse. I do know that I wish I could just by-pass this stage of grief. It would make things more tolerable, as far as my emotional status.

Gatlin and Ashley are doing pretty well. They are having some issues here and there, but are doing quite outstanding concidering they just lost their brother to "the monster".

I wonder if other parents feel the pain as I do, or is it always different?!? I don't know, but I do know that I don't wish this hurt on ANYONE!!! Even an enemy should never have to suffer this type of loss.

I keep remembering and playing back all the hours that Chayton laid there and suffered, gasping for another breath of life, as the monster was slowly sufficating our precious Mowgli. It was just horrific, and remains to be even now as I replay those moments. I have to take my time, I know, to allow those thoughts to subside to let more adoring, happy thoughts in. It just seems as though that time may never come. I want to talk to him again. I want to hold him and love him and communicate with him again. It seems so unfair that we don't have that option. Darrell and I would like to see him one more time. Smiling, running around with "puppy", chasing Abby, talking to Gatlin and Ashley... I would like to ask him if he thinks we did him justice. If he felt our love, if we took care of him good enough. We tried, God knows we did, but did we do it enough to make him know how loved he was and is?!? I don't know if I will ever be comfortable with that thought making it's way through my mind when everything seems to be getting better, just to drag me back down into this hole my soul is caught in.

To be honest, I don't even think I want to be happy right now. I don't want to be sad or depressed, either, but if I am happy, Chayton will be like, 'Don't you miss me?' Of course I do, but will he understand?!? I don't know how to feel, how I should feel, how others feel, etc. All I know is how I DO feel.

When the nightmare began, I didn't think it would come to this. I screamed and bawled for days at the hospital. I didn't want to lose this little blessing. Darrell was my only solice. Even then, we struggled to find peace with Chayton's condition. There was really none ever found, just dealing with it.

I suppose, this has probably been the biggest downer I have written yet, and I shouldn't have gotten so drastic, yet, I feel I must write how I feel honestly, so that way if Chayton is out there....WHERE HE IS...if he knows how I feel, maybe he can come give me comfort. I know that is a lot to ask because he is so busy up there but Daddy, his siblings and I would all like an encounter to know he is okay.

Chayton baby, we love and miss you and one day we will all be together again! We hope you are enjoying things there. I know there is no such thing as money there, so I am not going to refer to the financial aspect of your placement in Heaven, but I want you to know that you helped make heaven the richest land ever! I know you didn't do it alone, but Mowgli, you are an asset where-ever you are! I know you were, here. Even after college, I still say that knowing you has been the HIGHEST form of education I have ever had the priviledge of attending, and you were right here the entire time! Daddy and I were and are lucky. Gatlin, Ashley and Nicole have richer lives because of you! We can say we all earned an associate's degree at the Chayton University, and know what eachother means, and when we get there, that is when we will finally obtain our bachelor's degree!

Rest easy little man, we are getting closer everyday. Mommy and Daddy are tore up, but we are also finding little comfort in knowing that you will be here to carry us home when the time is right. Much love, Mowgymon! We miss you!

Monday, February 25, 2002 at 09:17 PM (CST)

I don't have much to say this evening. We didn't make it over to see Chayton today, much less off the couch. The kids watched the movie Shrek this afternoon, and it about killed Darrell and I. I bought that while we were out in Houston, TX, and the plan was to save it until we came back home and to watch it with all the kids, but I just couldn't resist. Once we watched it the first time, Chayton liked it so much that we would watch it over and over, and never get sick of it. Now when it's on and we even hear the music, we think of Chayton and how it was out there. Kinda makes it hard to watch it with the older two kids, now.

Kent said he would put more dirt over Chayton's resting place when the ground thaws better, and we will be able to put the grass seed down then. I am kinda anxious, as it looks so bare right now.

We had a serious talk this evening that the kids started. They told us how Chayton went to Heaven with Jesus and that Chayton had a reason to go, his mission here was done. Then Gatlin pipes up and says that we wanted Chayton to go with Jesus because we couldn't take care of him anymore, and we didn't want him to be here. I about lost it. I didn't know where or why he would get that, but then he reitterated and explained that it was better for Chay in Heaven. AHHHH... Out of the mouths of babes.

It has been a very sad month for the rhabdoid communtity. Actually, January was also. Baby Korbin passed away and today, baby Pierce, "SPORT" passed away. I called him sport because he was always so happy to be sitting there with his daddy watching some form of sports on TV.

Kylee isn't doing the best, either. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers as well. Keep her mom and grandma in your thoughts, too, as they are doing a wonderful job taking care of her, but need our help for strength. (Speaking from experience, I know that the help of others is necessary in the helping and healing process.)

Thank you all for your kind words and support. Please keep our family in your thoughts as we get further out and feel like we are being torn further away from our precious Mowgli. Dawn, Darrell and family.

P.S. The new page may take a while longer than I had suspected due to circumstances out of our control, thank you for your support.

Sunday, February 24, 2002 at 09:12 PM (CST)

Good evening. We went and visited with Chayton again, today. We stopped to buy some grass seed after our visit because his resting place looked so lonely. We will have to wait a while to plant it, but when we get the chance and the ground is right, we will definately do it.

Gatlin and Ashley really miss him, and Nicole misses him, too. Chayton stole MANY hearts, and continues to do so.

We had approx. a dozen rolls of film developed, and much to our surprise, we found a roll from back in January of '01, where Chayton had tubes put in his ears. He was all smiles, and there I was...falling apart. Darrell so strong, and Chayton being the MAN! I don't know what I would have thought then, had he been ill, or what have you, but the photos were a bitter sweet memory. I don't know how else to describe it.

We are going to head back to Winthrop to take care of some odds and ends soon, again, when I don't know. The kids were going to go back to school in the morning, but they are having Kindergarten round up so there is no school Monday or Tuesday.

I will leave you with yet another thought of how things were in Chayton's early life. When he was born, I was going to come home from the Hospital the next morning because I never took any time off work, and there was much to do. I had a big responsibility at that time. Darrell talked the hospital staff into making me stay so I could rest because the kids were so wild at home, and that way, Chayton could rest a bit, too. Anyway, when it was time to take him home, it was Mother's Day. Darrell came in with a new carseat for Chayton, a card, a balloon and roses for me, and then we sat. And sat....and sat. We didn't have a name picked out that we were both sure of. Chayton had soooo many names then. Finally we just brought him home without a name. (We had to go back on Monday to name our baby.) I had always feared during that time, that something was going to happen to him, and that he would be called the baby without a name. Thank God we got it done...phew!

Anyway, God Bless. Dawn and family.

Friday February 22, 2002 9:19 PM CST

Hello from Iowa. We are here and doing okay. We went to see Chayton this morning, along with other relatives that have passed away. It was nice to be able to do that. We didn't stay a long time, but we were there for a sufficient amount of time.

Before we left to come back down, I must tell you, I was very hurt and upset, as was Darrell. I called the Children's Wish Foundation to see if we could still get Chayton's wish because it was accepted prior to his passing. I had to call SEVERAL times to even get someone that knew what the crud I was talking about, and finally when the gal came on the phone, she had told me that she had already talked to Chayton's nurse, and she was sorry for our loss, but unfortunately, the wish was meant for Chayton and since he is gone, now...they won't be able to fulfill the wish. BUMMER! That's all I can say now. It really bites because there is a household that was looking forward to getting a gold plate on the aquarium so everyone who saw it would know that it was Chayton's. We discussed it, and although it may take some time and saving up, we are going to give Chayton his wish, anyway.

I have been having many mixed emotions on this situation, but I would like to say that while Chayton endured what he did, my step-aunt, Debbie Pint went through brain cancer and she literally suffered. She knew hell on earth because of a man in her life. She didn't have the opportunity to see everyone she would have liked to, and that includes family, and her children, where as Chayton, who struggled through his journey, was able to see anyone and everyone he wanted to, or who wanted to see him. That was important, and this little man went out knowing full well just how loved he was, and remains to be! I know Debbie is up there with him right now, and they are sharing stories and laughing about the way things are on Earth. May they along with all others who have suffered here be blessed from here on out!!!

I would like to start sharing little things with you about Chayton's life prior to illness. I had found out on Darrell's 30th birthday that I was pregnant with Chayton, and later learned that we had conceived on my 25th birthday. That was wonderful! Chayton, I knew, was going to be a boy, all along. We used to make waigers. Darrell and Gatlin swore he was going to be a girl, while Ashley stuck by my side saying a boy was definately on the way. The kids would even guess and make "late night treat bets" about what the baby would weigh, the height, hair color, and when he would arrive. We never held them to it, as Gatlin bet that he would weigh 50 lbs, and Ashley bet that he would weigh 150 lbs. They had no clue, but it was fun. (I only gained baby weight. Nobody knew I was even pregnant until I was about 5 1/2 months along. Then...WHAMO!) Chayton was a fighter even in the womb! He would kick and punch and I swore he would be a boxer...I should have just said fighter, huh?!? The kids used to finger paint pictures on my tummy for the baby. It was so cute. They would get bummed out a bit, though, because Daddy had to be there for them to do it, otherwise, I would be a mess from head to toe. He was always timely and there to help out, which in turn made them VERY happy.

When the blessed event stumbled upon us, I called Darrell at work, and told him I thought it was time to get this baby out and let "him" know who was talking to him all the time. Darrell was there in a flash. I was like, WOW...now I have to pack, just in case. (He was thrilled...[sarcasticly]). He took me over there, and I made him stop at McD's on the way so I could have one last big mac. Then to the hospital we went. I went through 4 and a half hours of hard labor...*ouch*...and in the midst of it all, my parents made it up from Iowa, brought the kids over, and said they were going back to the house, so I made Darrell go with them because I felt that I needed a peanut buster parfait, RIGHT NOW!!!!!!! They took him and brought him back in about 10 minutes. (That is the quickest the man has ever gone ANYWHERE) [kidding]. Anyway, by the time he made it back, it was just about time. He held my hand and watched as his youngest son came into this world. He was elated to say the least. (Gatlin isn't biological to Darrell, but he claims him as his own, and is trying to adopt him. He has always said Gatlin is his first son.) I had asked the doctor to make Darrell cut the cord, which Darrell wanted no part of, but doc persuaded him, and he did it anyway. To this day, he says he will NEVER forget that feeling, nor regret it and the thought that he was a bigger part in the birth of his youngest son, than that of an innocent bystander still makes him smile. Chayton was GORGEOUS! He had tons of long dark hair. (He got his first haircut about 2 weeks later)...definate "pappoos"! And he got the hair from his mother's side! Not that Darrell don't have hair, but while it was fine, it was thick...not an Anderson trait according to Darrell. I just felt I needed to start sharing little things here and there about how wonderful Chayton was...these are the memories I have.

We are going to put a "Thank You" add in the papers, but I would like to make sure that everyone who has supported us along the way, knows that we are giving out a heartfelt thanks. I don't know if we could have ever done it without you! From the cards, money, poems, letters, gifts for the kids, flowers and plants, to the phone calls, knocks at the door, and just words from passers-by. You have ALL touched our hearts and our lives!

I have rec'd a personal e-mail from A Friend in NC...yes she is REAL..."REAL"ly an angel! I thank her, too, for all the help and support she has given us. There are so many to thank, and to do it all personally would be tough due to timeliness, as well as I would be afraid to have missed even one person. Just know that you are all in our thoughts with your healing words of comfort, prayers, etc. We don't think we could have come out of this so clean cut without you! Thanks again. Dawn, Darrell Gatlin, Ashley and Nicole.

P.S. Thanks to Claudia Allen, for the poems for Chayton. We used them on his programs, and plan to use at least one on his stone. (We haven't decided on a stone, yet. Either a Harley Davidson one or a Clifford one. Either way, Chayton's photo will be on it as well.)

Thursday February 21, 2002 9:45 AM CST

Good morning, all. I am sorry for the way the other page turned out...it seems to have been made into a joke or something and it's unfortunate because it is a memorial to a little boy who lost his battle to a horrible monster, NOT to start another battle.

I sit here with a heavy heart, not knowing what I should do, and so many of you said to continue on with the updates, and to be quite honest, it has been therapeutic for me. I just have to pick and choose my words now so not too much information is let out about our family. Up to this point, it has been an open book. So here goes, another attempt. But there is still a new site in the making...

Chayton's wake went well, there were many shoulders and loving arms of support. We were proud of Gatlin, Ashley and Nicole. They sometimes are the best medicine for sadness.

Chayton's Celebration of Life in Winthrop was wonderful. People got up and said awesome things about Chayton, and my favorite, although they were all great, was when Gatlin stood up and said, "Chayton is the strongest baby I have ever met in my life, and he always will be!" To be honest, I was a bit worried when he stood up, about what he wanted to say, but he proved that he is an intellegent little boy and loves his brother. All three of the kids lit Chayton's candle before the ceremony. Nicole read the 23rd Psalm and did a GREAT job. Tricia Uecker did something that we thought was just awesome. We had mentioned that we wanted a flag for Chayton because he faught like a veteran in his battle, and although he lost his life, he didn't lose his battle, so she brought an american flag bandana to drape over his casket. WOW! It was great. I must share...remember way back when our little neighbor girl, Amanda, said she knew who Chayton's doctor was, Dr. Seuss?!? Well, she had another brilliant thought that makes me teary eyed everytime I think about it, so bear with me...she said that Chayton went to heaven to see another doctor. A better doctor, Dr. God! He can fix anything! Isn't that awesome! She is so young and so wise. I would have never thought that out of a child so young, and she really said it all, ya know!

After the ceremony in Winthrop, we went to Iowa, Liz took Chayton and they jammed all the way there, because he loved music. (He was a head banger...and he loved it!) We all stayed at the Holiday Inn in New Hampton. The next day was his second celebration of life. About an hour before it started, Nicole and I had to run to Charles City because I needed shoes, go figure! We still made it in time. Chayton's video played just before the ceremony and family prayer. When we had to go close the casket, I asked that our kids be able to go say goodbye one last time, so they did. Then, Darrell and I looked down, and Chayton had cash in his hand and a lock of long dark hair, to our surprise. We left it, we knew it should go with him.

Closing the casket was the hardest thing either of us have EVER done. Once it's closed, it's closed! Nicole carried in the cross while the other two followed to light the candles. Then during the ceremony, all the aunts and uncles stood around him for a silent prayer (just as they had done in Winthrop with the rest of the entire family), and then it was just the sponsors, Missy, Nate, Denise and Shawn. After that, Chayton was taken out and the pall bearers placed his casket in the back of the car...another hard thing to watch. Nikki and I just stood there crying, Darrell, Gatlin and Ashley went into the coat room for a bit, then it was time to proceed to the cemetery. Darrell asked Liz to jam on 108 FM with Chayton because he loved it so much, so she did, and when we passed the little brown church in the vale, we knew we were close, too close, so Darrell looked up and asked for one last Metallica song. Low and behold, a half mile away was the cemetery, and a quarter mile from it, guess what was played!?! METALLICA! The grave side service was nice, and each of us rec'd a rose, including Chayton. We were going to do a balloon release, but it was rainy so they all fell to the ground. (We will do that in May for his birthday). As Pastor Kevin talked about Chayton and said prayers for him, the rain picked up. It got loud, just the sound of it hitting the ground. As soon as he was done, so was the rain. God cried for Chayton!!! That's all we can figure. After all was said and done, Darrell, Myself, Gatlin, Ashley, and Nicole stayed back to be with Chayton only a bit longer. (There was a gold plate on the top of Chayton's casket that said "CHAYTON HUNTER ANDERSON Born into life May 12, 2000 Born into Eternal life February 13, 2002." And on top of that, Gatlin placed a dental stick with a froggy on top. We asked why he did that, and his response was that he didn't want Chayton to have bad breath when he saw Jesus. WOW What a kid!

After the ceremony, my brothers, John and Shawn, along with Kent Peterson...one of our pall bearers, stayed behind. They were all still dressed up, and only changed into work boots, and they covered Chayton's grave so it would be done right. ( they all have experience covering graves. ) I was in shock, but Darrell was more than pleased that they would be so thoughtful and really, he felt it was the best.

Chayton did go with a house key! Just thought I would let you all know. We had made it back to where we were going to have a lunch, and we both remembered at the same time, so he ran back out there, and my brothers along with Kent, helped him make sure Chayton would have the house key. It was important to us.

We stayed an extra night and did things as a family. That was a good release. Just Darrell and I and the kids. Gatlin and Ashley are at G'pa and G'ma's right now, waiting for us to get back. We had to run back for the flowers, and so Nikki could let her mom know she was okay. We are leaving to go back down there today.

I hope this little tid bit of information was a little more of a comfort to all of you. I have about 30 rolls of film to be developed, and I will get new pics up.

Thanks to everyone who participated in making this experience beautiful, and to Chayton's siblings, Nicole, Gatlin and Ashley, thank you for being great kids. You guys are awesome, and Chayton is proud! Lori, thanks for helping Nicole through all this. You have done a great job raising her! To our parents and siblings, thanks for letting us lean on you when things were so tough. And our friends, you have become our family! Near or far, even if we have never met, you are an asset! Chayton, Daddy and I love you and miss you so much, but one day, you will be here to lead us home. We anticipate that day to be one of the best! Love you Mowgli...YOU'RE THE MAN...REST EASY! MADLY! Mommy and Daddy.

Sunday February 17, 2002 11:50 PM CST

I am not going to be doing any updating anymore. Please understand. If you would like to know how we are doing, e-mail us, if you would like, otherwise, there is nothing more to say at this time. I am sorry for the inconvenience...DARRELL AND DAWN.

Saturday February 16, 2002 4:12 AM CST

I know it's early, but I have a big job to do to make sure Chayton's celebration of life is perfect...I have to edit tapes and have one master tape made and put to music for the Celebration of his Life!

The reason I am here is to tell you, which I was unable to before, but now I think I can do it without crying, that I recieved a letter for Chayton on Valentine's Day, (the morning after his "transition to Heaven").

We applied for Children's Wish...and recieved the reply. Chayton's wish was to have a 40-50 gallon fish tank full of tropical, colorful fish. All of which he would call...Pish. (I can still hear him saying it, now). The letter came a little late, but said that the board had gotten together, and decided to make his wish a reality. They asked us to keep it a secret, because there would be media coverage in the area that they would bring with them to present his wish to him. The letter had little more to say, but tore my heart in two, once more. I had to call them, and let them know what was going on. I did tell them, however, that Chayton has two young siblings that would appreciate it, as well as Darrell and I. It would be a constant reminder of Chayton's excitement of watching "pish" swim. The man on the phone said that someone would call me early Monday morning, before the funeral, and let me know one way or the other. Please keep your fingers crossed.

I apologize for not letting you know this sooner, but it literally tore us up. Especially me.

I will post what was written for Chayton's obituary tomorrow.

And one last thought, "Pish Posh", Chayton's goldfish is doing GRAND! This is the first time I have had the pleasure of taking care of a fish, and I thought I would see him belly up, but he is just like Chayton...a fighter, OR...I am doing something right. (Pish Posh has been included in Chayton's obituary). Please pray for Pish Posh...he needs all the help he can get. I have a hard time keeping a plant alive. How much more low maintainance can it get?!? I'm trying, though.

"Puppy" is doing great, too. He sleeps with me every night, and Abby is with a friend of the family. She is your typical puppy dog, but lately has been more mellow.

Thanks for the support, it will not go unforgotten. Now, back to my mission of the tapes....

God Bless, Dawn, Darrell, Gatlin and Ashley.

Mowgli~Remember MADLY for always, baby. Don't hesitate to come and see us. We miss you, already! Hope to see you soon. Love you, baby. We all miss you, and Daddy can hardly sleep. His owies are getting better, you must be helping. Daddy and I want to come and hold you tomorrow, as it may be the last time we can do so. Look for us when you and Liz are jammin' to your favorite music. We will be looking for you, sweet boy. Hugs and kisses where you are, and know that if a minute goes by and I'm not thinking of you, Daddy is! We miss you terribly, and you aren't even in the Earth, yet. What are we going to do? Please come back and see us, little man, we need that! With more than you probably ever thought were possible, love, Mommy, Daddy, Alli and Gator.

P.S. We were laughing, do you realize "Abby" was the last thing you ever said?!? You were and still are one amazing kid. I'm glad you were ours!!!

Thursday February 14, 2002 1:31 PM CST

Happy Valentine's Day, Sweet Boy!!!!!!!!

Hope you like your balloons and your rose. We love you, and will never forget you! I can imagine you playing like you are a dinosaur trying to chase Jesus down, and all the other little kids. I imagine the bigger one's holding you, and you looking at them the way you did me, stroking their faces saying, "Nice angel!" just like you used to say, "Nice Mommy" or "Nice Daddy". Sweety, soon, I will stop writing on here, only updating your photos, and I will be writing in the new journal. Every now and then, I may send you a note to keep this page active, but it won't be often.

I found a poem that fits...so I will write it here, and hope you are sitting on Jesus' lap when he reads it to you. It's from the sister of another angel that is there with you.

We knew little that morning,
God was going to call your name.
In life we loved you dearly,
In death we'll do the same.

It broke our hearts to lose you,
You did not go alone.
For part of us left with you,
The day God called you home.

You left us beautiful memories,
Your love is still our guide.
And though we cannot see you,
You are always by our side.

Our family chain is broken,
And nothing seems the same.
But as God calls us one by one,
Our chain will link again.

Sweet boy, we love and miss you so much. There are so many wonderful things being written for you, and you will never be forgotten. Know that we love you now and always! We will continue to go to the funeral home and hold you all we can. We love you, and don't want to let your beautiful shell go, either. Isn't it enough that we lost you?!? I hope you could hear all the music Liz played for you. We love you, baby. There are going to be articles in the paper, again for you, and Meta from the Waterloo Courier is doing one today for tomorrow, so I have to go so Daddy and I can say a few words. We love you!!!!!!!! Mommy, Daddy, Gatlin and Ashley, and the rest of your family.

P.S. You should read what G'ma and G'pa VanderKolk wrote for you! It's awesome!!!!!!

Info. on Chayton's services. *It's too bad they don't honor these kids with a flag like they do veterans! Chayton was one of many veterans who fought a hell of a battle, and he may have passed to heaven, but he is still a Winner and Hero!

The visitation is Sunday 2-8pm Funeral Chapel in Winthrop

The first Celebration of life (funeral) is Monday at the Peace Lutheran Church in Winthrop at 10am with visitation starting at 9am.

The second is Tuesday at the Trinity Lutheran Church in New Hampton, Iowa at 1:00pm, with visitation starting at 11am.

Wednesday February 13, 2002 11:46 PM CST

Hello. I would like to let you know that Chayton is in good hands. Not only with God, but with Liz Anderson. She is taking AWESOME care of our baby.

There was a candlelight vigile outside of our home this evening. There were soooooo many people and candles. Darrell and I just got done bathing Chayton, and then we stepped out to see it. AWESOME! Chayton had MANY purposes here on Earth. I cannot go into detail right now, but I do know there were more than I am able to count at this point.

We took Chayton to the funeral home around 9:30 this evening. We saw the casket we had previously ordered for him, saw where he would be prepped, everything. Thanks to Liz for keeping us well informed, and to Terri for being our "go between" when things were too rough to think about it.

We are still hurting, but I think one day, Chayton will be here to take us home one by one....I anxiously await that day!!!!!

Thanks for your love, support and prayers. I have started a new page for Chayton...and I'm not quite done with it. The address is www.angelfire.com/journal2/chayton/index.html Thanks again, and please remember to keep the other children in your hearts. They need you, too. And Chayton will live on in "Chayton's Fire" for always!!!!! Dawn, Darrell and family.

Wednesday February 13, 2002 1:04 PM CST

My heart is breaking by the moment, here, but we thought I should let everyone know what is happening.

I took a shower at about 11:30, and just as I shut off the water, my dad left to run back to Iowa to tie up a few things, and to pick up my step-mom. I came out of the shower, got dressed, combed my hair, and came into the living room. First, I put on the song Hero, then I sat down on Darrell's lap, where he was sitting, holding Chayton's hand. He held me and I held him.

For some reason, we both started to sob. The next song came on, I Will Survive, and we looked at Chayton and smiled, then we realized he wasn't breathing. He lost his color, and we listed to his heart. Nothing. Chayton passed away at exactly 12:10pm, this afternoon. We are so sad, and don't know where to go from here. Our emotions are drained. His ending was peaceful, and merciful...at the very end. Prior to that, there was much suffering. This little fighter fought his battle for life for more than 17 hours straight!!! WOW! He is our Hero, and always will be.

Thanks for listening. I will say more later, when I can. Dawn, Darrell and family.

By the way...Chayton looks calm, and pretty flipping gorgeous!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday February 13, 2002 8:40 AM CST

Oh, words, come to me, I can't do this...

First of all, Darrell just got a phone call this morning, his uncle passed away lastnight.

We are in ROBOT mode. We are just breathing, talking, etc. We are NOT living. This is awful. I called Chayton's doctor, Dr. Bendel, at about 4am. Chayton is still fighting, breathing, and his heart is still beating as hard as ever.

We had taken his oxygen off around 7:30 pm, put it back on around 2am, because he was still holding on. When I talked to Dr. B, she said Chayton's brain was probably gone, and this was just a reflex...breathing. And that if we took off his oxygen, he would go faster. We took it off again, telling him to please take Jesus' hand. He is upstairs, now, laying on the couch, still breathing. This little boy does NOT know "quit"! His breathing, with every breath, is the most horrifying sound one could ever hear, especially coming from their own child. As I have said before, I will keep you updated. I have to go. Dawn

Tuesday February 12, 2002 10:45 PM CST

I sit here, not exactly knowing what to say. ....hmmm...... nothing is coming to mind about our situation, so I will start from the beginning. Today is Chayton's 22 month birthday. At 10:58pm, he will be another month older. WOW!

My cousin, Teresa had a baby girl this morning. Her name is Taya Michelle. This was the best news we heard so far!

At about 7:33 this evening, Darrell, Gwen and Marylynn called me into the living room, Chayton hadn't taken a breath for about 2 1/2 minutes. I looked at him, and he was purple. I grabbed him and begged for just one more breath. Waiting, and Darrell reminding me that we had already decided we would let him go, I couldn't hold back...I needed one more breath from this little MAN. Nothing. I took off his oxygen, unhooked his dilodid, took of the pulse-ox...and I held him as close as I could. Chayton waited, and finally, took a breath. Then another. He took a few before letting out a word of his own, with his precious voice that we hadn't heard for so long. Since then, the minutes have turned to hours, and this little fighter continues to battle the worst monster, that even mommy and daddy can't scare away. It won't be long, and Chayton will be in Heaven. Please say an extra prayer for him tonight, as we know it more than likely will be his last. Also, know that we are surrounded by the love and support of family and friends, and my family will be here soon. (They're on their way).

I should also tell you that when I unhooked him, we told him it was okay to take Jesus' hand and that he would love him as well as we did, and do, and He always will, but Chayton continues to fight. My Hero!!!

Thanks again. It's 10:58, now...Chayton, Happy Birthday, baby! Love, Mommy, Daddy, Alli and Gator.

Dawn, Darrell and family.

Tuesday February 12, 2002 12:35 AM CST

I have to be very quick...Chayton's heart rate is dropping and raising...over the weekend it was as high as 190, and now, has dropped down to 61. It continues to flexuate.

Darrell is working on the washer in the basement, it broke over a week ago. He is doing his best. (With two extra washers to work with.)

Gatlin is watching Chayton. He opted to do so for us. We have little radios, and he has one, while Daddy holds the other. He radioed Daddy once, already, and told him that his heart alarm was going off. He knows the difference between the oxygen saturation, and heart rate...a well informed little boy, he is.

I should get back up there. Times are stressful, and the worrying never leaves, whether we are by his side or not. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers...Dawn, Darrell, Gatlin, Ashley and Chayton.

Monday February 11, 2002 10:32 AM CST

Hi, hope this morning finds you all well. Chayton has been suffering from seizure activity, again. I talked to his doctor...several times, and thought I would let you know what was going on. As of this morning, Chayton's teeth grinding is a result of the seizures.

His temp has not been normal for almost 4 days. On top of it, his pulse is supposed to go no higher than 140, and he has been bouncing back and forth between 150 and 190. This could be a recipricating effect. His temp is up, it causes his body to work harder, and increase his pulse, which can cause his temp to go up....etc. It's like there is no way to win, but we keep moving forward.

He is still on oxygen. His breathing is getting better. I have NO clue what this means. He hasn't had to be suctioned, yet, and we only see this as a positive thing. Times have been close, though. Dr. Bendel was talking about pneumonia...honestly, I think I am getting it. I lay by him all the time. I had to have a nebulizer treatment lastnight for asthma...who would've thought I would have anything happen now?!? Surely not me! My lungs are filling up, and the only thing I can think is..."how must he feel?"

I spent quite a bit of time building a new web-site for Chayton, yesterday...lastnight. I can't post it yet, though. I want to be sure the time is right, and that won't be for a while. I just wanted to get a jump start so everything would be perfect when it is time. It's called Our little star in the sky, Chayton Hunter Anderson....if that tells you anything. It's like a memorial page. It's just not the time, now, obviously, to have it up.

Thanks for everything, and we will try to keep you updated as things continue to take place, but as far as the time...I don't know. I honestly don't think anyone does, anymore. Today was his last goal date from the doctors...actually V-Day was, but we went back 3 days. Now, the goal is at least past V-Day. I think he can and will do it! But like I said, I don't want to see him suffer.

There was a suggestion over the weekend that we could progress the situation by removing him from oxygen, and by cutting his decadron down from 1ml, 4x/day to .5ml, 1x/day. We just can't do it. If we would have, I would have had to come on here and say something awful like, well, I have to go now, we are going to kill our son. But neither of us could do it. I thought at first that I could, but after a second thought, I thought it would be murder. Let nature take it's course. Just don't let my baby suffer.

Thanks for everything, Dawn, Darrell and family.

P.S. Gatlin and Ashley are doing fairly well, today. Actually, very well. They talk to Chayton now, (Ashley had issues before) and they tell him what they think heaven is like, and that he can go, and they will see him when they get there. They'll all know eachother.

Sunday February 10, 2002 9:09 AM CST

This morning, I woke up to Chayton burning up in my arms. His temp. went above 103*. I immediately got him some water, gave him a supository, and now time will tell. His oxygen dropped throughout the night, as well.

Gatlin still believes Jesus talked to him, but Chayton is still here. I won't say He didn't because who am I to say?!?

Ashley's class has sent her pictures. She hasn't seen them yet, because we have to be discreet, as Gatlin would be hurt. We will probably get to that today or tomorrow. I have to get a hold of the school, in the morning, and try to talk to the teachers about getting them homework. They have been counting up a storm, and Gatlin has been reading to all of us, but they need to keep up with their classes.

Thanks for all the care and support! Dawn, Darrell and family.

P.S. There are REALLY good poems and songs in the guestbook. Read them when you go to sign....they're really nice. There is a woman named Claudia Allen, who has the knack for writing. She has written two poems for baby Chay. Check 'em out if you get the chance!

Saturday February 9, 2002 10:56 AM CST

The Next Place

The next place that I go
will be as peaceful and familiar
as a sleepy summer Sunday
and a sweet, untroubled mind.
And yet...it won't be anything like any place I've ever been...
or seen... or even dreamed of in the past I leave behind.
I won't know where I'm going, and I won't know where I've been
as I tumble through the always and look back toward the when.
I'll glide beyond the rainbows.
I'll drift above the sky.
I'll fly into the wonder, without ever wondering why.
I won't remember getting there.
Somehow I'll just arrive.
But I'll know that I belong there and will feel much more alive
than I have ever felt before.
I will be absolutely free of the things that I held onto
that were holding on to me.
The next place that I go will be so quiet and so still.
That whispered song of sweet belonging will rise up to fill the listening sky with joyful silence, and with unheard harmonies of music made by no one playing, like a hush upon a breeze.
There will be no room for darkness in the place of living light,
Where an ever-dawning morning pushes back the dying night.
The very air will fill with brilliance, as the brightly shining sun
And the moon and half a million stars are married into one.
The next place that I go won't really be a place at all.
There won't be any seasons-winter, summer, spring or fall-
Nor a Monday, Nor a Friday, Nor December, Nor July.
And the seconds will be standing still...while hours hurry by.
I will not be a boy or girl, a woman or a man.
I'll simply be just, simply,me.
No worse or better than.
My skin will not be dark or light.
I won't be fat or tall.
The body I once lived in won't be a part of me at all.
I will finally be perfect.
I will be without a flaw.
I will never make one more mistake, or break the smallest law.
And the me that was impatient, or was angry or unkind, will simply be a memory.
The me I left behind.
I will travel empty-handed.
There is not a single thing I have collected in my life that I would ever want to bring except...
the love of those who loved me,
and the warmth of those who cared.
The happiness and memories and magic that we shared.
Though I will know the joy of solitude...
I'll never be alone.
I'll be embraced by all the family and friends I've ever known.
Although I might not see their faces,
all our hearts will beat as one,
And the cicle of our spirits will shine brighter than the sun.
I will cherish all the friendship I was fortunate to find,
all the love and all the laughter in the place I leave behind.
All these good things will go with me.
They will make my spirit glow.
And that light will shine forever in the next place that I go.

written by Warren Hanson.

Thank you Aunt Shaun, for this special book that helped not only Gatlin and Ashley, but the rest of our family, as well.

Chayton is holding on to this life...and we don't know where he is getting his drive. He is the MOST awesome kid we have ever personally seen in our lives...and to top it off, he is ours! Thank you Lord, for touching our lives with this wonderful little boy!

I have been thinking a lot about Chayton going to Heaven, lately. It's weird, because I feel like I am a little more accepting every blinkin' day. This is wrong, because he is still here. I should be holding these feelings until he is away. But I do feel I have to share.

I know Jesus has been holding Chayton's hand. And He is here with all of us. (He can be in many places at one time). I imagine him lifting Chayton up off the couch, with tears in His eyes, telling us that he will take care of him, because He loves Chayton, too. He and Chayton start lifting into the air, with our family, as if in a family portrait, standing there watching, crying, unsure whether our tears are happy or sad. A little of both. He is taking our son to Heaven to a new Daycare, there. He is the care provider. Jesus knows what children like. I imagine the other kids who have been there for a while, coming to Chayton, taking his hand and leading him around, showing him the ropes, with the older children keeping careful watch over the younger ones, while Jesus welcomes more children by the moment. It is sad here, and hard on Him, but he is also so happy, because the kids in Heaven are always waiting for new playmates...

The only thing is, I see the one's who have been there for a while, to be more like Him, rather than just kids. One day, Chayton will be more like Him, too. And when it's my time, Darrell's time, Gatlin's or Ashley's, my hope is that Chayton is one of the angels waiting to take my hand, and lead me home...or us...! Chayton is an angel on earth, along with all kids, here, so I have no doubt in my mind that he will be here.

I don't want to lose him, yet at the same time, I can't help but wonder what he has his grabby little nabbers dug into, that he is holding so tightly to. Because those of us left behind would like to hold it, too.

I am sitting here listening to the song, Hero...that is Chayton!!! He is our hero. When Chayton gracefully floats to the heavens above, we will have a celebration of his life, and we will share photos, video clips, poems (even off the guestbook) that were written for Chayton, and we will have many songs that will remind us of him. Hero will be one of them! When it's his time to go, Darrell, Myself, Gatlin and Ashley, along with other family members, will be looking for his star in the sky, and I have no doubt, WE WILL FIND IT!!! It will be bright at first, then get mellow. We will reach for it as often as we can, and talk to his star, and we will dream under his star. He is our majic!

Thanks for taking the time to read Chayton's journal, and especially for signing in...And EVERY poem written for Chayton will be framed, posted, and read.
Dawn, Darrell and family.

Friday February 8, 2002 4:46 PM CST

I am here to let you know that Chayton is still holding on. We have him on oxygen, along with an oximeter, and we now have a suction pump, just in case we would need it. The strange thing is...the rattle seemed to leave when the pump arrived.

He is out, for the most part, but I started reading him bible verses the day before yesterday, and Darrell and I have been taking turns doing this. Who knows how many he has heard more than once...!

About two days ago, I don't know if I told you this, but Gatlin was talking to Chayton and told him that Jesus told him that on February 9th, Abby would be in heaven, but not to stay. She would be looking for something and he would see her, then. We asked him several questions about this, but he said Jesus told him not to tell, that time would. He is only 5, so I don't know if it means anything or not, but he doesn't know his dates, so when he said the 9th, it set a small alarm, because it was just around the corner.

I did manage to get out of the house. John and Missy wouldn't leave until I did, so Missy took me down to get a box of Kleenex, and the mail. Then, only moments ago, I went to pick up food from the DQ. I don't want to go, again, but Darrell keeps saying it will do good.

Chayton is waiting for more comforting words from Mommy, and Daddy is waiting for a break, so I should go.

Gatlin and Ashley are doing good. They don't like to see their brother this way...but are handling it rather well, at the moment. Gatlin talks to Chayton a lot, and Ashley just checks up on him from time to time. They are both sad, but at the same time, have both expressed that they don't want him to suffer, either.

Thanks for all the support. Dawn, Darrell and family.

Friday February 8, 2002 10:44 AM CST

Hello everyone~ this is Missy, I just thought I would take a sec before we leave to go back to Iowa to tell everyone that Chayton is hanging on like you wouldn't believe...I know it's been said already, but to actually be here and see this is truelly amazing. He is one special little boy and I am so glad we had the opportunity to be here with him. Which, brings me to a close with saying a HUGE, MUCH THANKS to my sister and brother-in-law, Laura and Marc Kazda, you guys are the best!
More words of support are always a comfort...
God bless this family.

Friday February 8, 2002 9:09 AM CST

Chayton is still fighting. Last night, we had several awful spells with him. He would rattle so hard, and so loud, we thought he was leaving us. As the scenerio continues, Chayton is a FIGHTER!

We called Jenny O' last night, again. She came right over and checked on him. She helped get him comfortable, and gave him a supository for his temperature. I can't explain everything that is going on because my mind is all jumbled up.

Everyone took turns through the middle of the night, getting up and checking on Chay. At one point, I was screaming and kicking (lovingly) Darrell to wake up. Chayton was choking and he was rattling so bad. I tipped him over and patted his back like Jenny and Steve told us to do, but it didn't seem to work, and Chayton quit breathing for a bit....seemed like forever. Finally, he took a breath. Then stopped again. I couldn't get Digger to wake up, so I just lay there watching Chay as he pulled out of it. It was so hard and scarey.

Chayton is doing better this morning, or so he seems to be. I think nights are the longest and hardest.

Uncle John is working against me with Darrell, Steve and ANYONE else who is trying to get me out of the house for a bit. It is hard to think that I have to venture outside. Aunt Missy is the only one who came to my defense. That made me feel SOOOOO much better, but we were outvoted. For moments, I felt homicidal. Not that I would kill anyone, but, I felt like they were trying to take my baby away from me. I know they weren't, but could you leave if you were in our situation?!? I get enough of a break being down here updating, going to the bathroom, getting cleaned up, sleeping, and cooking. That is a break from the situation.

They say I have to go tonight, to get out, but I can already picture it...I won't want to go anywhere or see anyone because I will cry my head off, and still come back and feel guilty that I left. I know me.

Anyway, I talked to Missy about it, and she seems to understand where I am coming from. Maybe it's a motherly thing. I have always had a hard time leaving my kids...even at daycare. I know they are taken care of, but I still need to be able to be with them if they need me. And Chayton needs us now more than ever. Darrell said he is still going to try to get me out...I just don't know if I can do it.

Mowgli's last temp was 102.2*. Parts of him are so hot, and others, so cold.

Please keep him in your prayers. Dawn, Darrell and family.

Thursday February 7, 2002 5:49 PM CST

Hello,
This is Stephanie Koep, I just came over to see Chayton and Dawn asked me to update for her. I am going to do the best I can so please bear with me...Oh and I am not very good at spelling so I am going to try and make it readable!

Kelsi and Lisa just left and Kyle is still upstairs, comforting everyone.

They just put Chay on oxygen because he was having labored breathing. They also say that he has "death's rattle" in his breathing. So Jenny O is here to suction him out alittle.

Uncle John, Aunt Missy, Domonic, and Colton are all here conforting Dawn, Darrell, Ashley, and Gatlin.

I am not very good at writting but we thought is would be good for me to write a prayer on here.....I can do that very well! As you read this prayer I ask that you please pray it from your hearts. I had wrote a prayer in the guestbook and hoped that people read it. Now I got the chance to make sure EVERYONE who came on saw it. So here it goes.

Dear Lord,
We have lifted Chayton Hunter Anderson up to you in his time of need. We ask that you be with him and his family in their time of need. Chayton has changed the lives of SO many.....mine included.....if that is his porpose in life than he has definatly made you proud. Lord, you asked that your will be done and hopefully we all are doing what you sent us here to do, wheather we know it of not.

Your presence with the family and friends of Chayton have been more than appriciated. If there is only one thing I have in common with the people who read this is that we all have a STRONG love and bond for both You and Chay. We thank you for giving us Chayton, to find love and joy in. I have so many memories of this loving family, that will stay with me always and I thank you for them. I thank you for putting Darrell in my path ten years ago. And the whole family about 5 years ago. Thank you for the chance for all of us to get to know them.

Tonight in Jesus name we pray that Chayton finds confort and hopefully healing. We also ask that his family have conforting as well. Thank you Lord in Jesus name....Amen

Wow, it certainly isn't as easy as you think to write on here. Thank you all for praying with me. If you ever need a prayer of want to know more about God let me know, because I believe that is why I am here. Have a wonderful evening or morning(depends when you read!)and remember that God loves me, you, and Chayton and his family. God bless you all.

Thursday February 7, 2002 10:04 AM CST

Chayton just got out of a bath. Mommy and Daddy did it together, washing him up, drying him off, rubbing lotion on him, and getting him dressed. He is sitting in the living room in his stroller, now. He is watching Crocodile Dundee.

Daddy and I have been having our fair share of differences, lately, and after talking about them, we have come to no definate conclusions, but it's not to say we won't come up with something soon. The entire situation sucks, and when you throw MARRAIGE into it, sometimes it gets even more stressful. It has here, anyway. I love him, and he says he loves me, but I am beginning to think we just can't show it the right way, or that we just can't love eachother in a healthy way because of what we go through each day. Daddy and I both thought it was important for everyone to see this side, too. It's been getting a little worse as each day passes. I still love him, but it's hard to think that just that one feeling will carry us through all the others.

On a better note, Chayton had another spell lastnight, but came out of it quickly. Usually, it takes him a long time to snap out of it.

Gatlin has resorted in every effort to talk to Daddy about what he thinks, or what is bothering him. He and Chayton have been sharing secrets for days now, and he and Daddy are also sharing secrets. They say it's guy things, but the majority of them pertain to Chayton.

Ashley is getting very angry. She is having spells where nothing is good enough, or okay, but I think that's better than not showing any emotion. They are both all cracked up. This is hard on them, to see their brother go through all this.

Thanks for the thoughts and prayers. Dawn, Darrell, and family.

Wednesday February 6, 2002 9:31 AM CST

Chayton is laying in Daddy's arms, taking turns between resting and looking at Daddy. I took a couple pictures. Daddy is very tired, but is holding Chayton with love. Daddy, in a sense, is doing the work for Jesus...holding him and wrapping his loving arms around him when he needs it most.

Gatlin and Ashley are really hurting. This is the brother that they were at the hospital with when he came into this world. This is the brother that they helped feed, love, hold, and change diapers (without mommy right there doing it for them). This is the little guy that they tagged a nickname on. Chayton is their brother, and they love him very much. He is the one who made them smile and they made him smile. He gave them many memories that are all starting to flow out, now. And Chayton is the one that they were at the clinic with, the day I learned their was something growing inside his head. He is the one that cried because Gatlin and Ashley cried. And Chayton is the little boy so close to them who has etched a place deep in their hearts, that will be leaving them soon. He is the little Mowgli that won't be here when Gatlin needs someone to do brotherly things with, someone to talk about girls to that he can trust won't go tell anyone else, someone to help him build his first muscle car, someone to be a best man at his wedding. Chayton won't be here when Ashley needs her brothers for protection, him to hug her when he's gone and tell her everything will be okay one day, when she needs a hug because her first relationship just ended, or second one just began, and when she needs a godfather for her new baby. Chayton won't be here, only in spirit. Is that going to be enough for them? I sure hope so, because we don't even know how to handle it.

This little boy in our house, he is absolutely brilliant, and silently screams out that he loves us, but that he wants us all to be okay. And we tell him back, that we love him, and will be so sad without him, but he is ALWAYS going to be remembered, and his suffering will not go unforgotten, but the memories of the good times he will leave behind will be ever-so powerful!

Darrell is trying to write another entry for me to type, but is having a hard time finding the words. I can tell you that he is really hurting, too. I told Chayton a make-believe story, yesterday, and when I told him only a fraction of it, he was upset.

The story I told Chayton was I pictured him at about 4 years old, running down a beaten path, giggling like crazy, with the fields of lilacs and wildflowers blowing around in the breeze. Chayton came running into the house where he asked me what I was doing, and I was making dinner. He asked if we could have a home-made apple pie for dinner, too, and I said I had just made one. He ran out to the barn/make shift shop, where Daddy and Gatlin were building an airplane. He was so excited, asking, "Is it ready, yet? Is it?" When he was told no, he got a little pouty lip, and smiled and said okay. He ran back to the house, and grabbed the left over bread off the counter, and ran down to the pond where Ashley was. She was thinking about how beautiful the scenery was when Chayton came up. They sat feeding the ducks. Just then, they heard a pluplupluplup...as the plane was moving it's way down the path that Chayton so loved to run on. It was Daddy and Gatlin! They took off, flew over the pond, and came back and landed. Then, Chayton came running over there. Daddy got out and said the plane was dedicated to him, and on the side "The Little Fighter That DID!" was painted. And Gatlin handed him a helmet that said, "The Biggest Hero!". They told him to put it on, and he did, just before they all climbed back into the plane. They took off again, all three of them. Ashley came running up to the house, screaming with excitement, "Mom, get out here, quick! They're doing it!" I came out, and ran right back in to get my camera. When I got back out, Ashley was telling me that they did flips in the air!!! I missed it, but that just told me that it was a moment for Daddy and the boys to experience, and Ashley to witness.

When I was done telling Chayton the story, I realized he had his eyes open the ENTIRE time! I asked him if he knew when this day was, and he didn't answer. I told him I didn't but I believe that one day, even if in spirit, it can happen! And I know if it does, he will be there. He blinked (his way of saying yes).

I can't tell you how I feel right now, because I don't know. We had a few scares last night. Chayton stopped breathing, and his eyes crossed. We sobbed and talked to him, and he started breathing again. It's so hard to let go. I wonder, do we have the strength?!? I thought we would, but it gets harder the closer we get.

Please keep Chay in your thoughts and prayers. Thanks, Dawn, Darrell and family.

Tuesday February 5, 2002 4:55 PM CST

Chayton is laying on the couch with Kyle Sparrow, the neighbor. He is talking to Chay. I talked and talked all day, and so did Daddy, Gatlin and Ashley. I don't think Ashley is as comfortable with it as the rest of us. She doesn't really want to...she wants to do fun stuff, but she doesn't really understand that Chayton won't be with us soon. It's hard for everyone, especially the kids.

I am sending G'pa and G'ma Kraft to town this evening for a couple things, one, each of my boys, I bought a precious moments bible when they were born, and have wanted to get one for Ashley for ages...but she needs one, and that's what I want for her. Also I would like a white one for Darrell and I. It's like a family thing. I had a bible from confirmation, but I must have misplaced it in my moving...it's been a while since I have seen it, and the one I had was my brother's and he wanted it back.

Anyway, we are patiently waiting for John and Missy to arrive. Patiently. They said they would be here, already, but we haven't heard. We are just hoping with the long drive and all, that they are okay, and just fashionably late, WAY late.

I have been telling stories to Chayton of things that I picture. In my mind I can see so many things about him, in his growing years. It's hard to think that he may be gone soon. It's like we don't want to think about it, but how can we not?!? I also talked to him about when he was born...what his belly button was for and how daddy used to make me eat so I could feed him until daddy was able to hold him and feed him with the bottle. UH! Heartbreaking to think we can remember that like yesterday, and now we are getting ready for him to leave. SUCKS!!!

I am sorry, but I am getting down, so I should go. Thanks for everything, Dawn, Darrell and family.

Tuesday February 5, 2002 8:22 AM CST

Good morning. Chayton is laying on the couch with Gatlin, listening to his CD player. He is listening to soothing songs, and songs that Mommy likes. Like, "In the Arms of the Angels", "Down By the River To Pray", and others. He is really relaxing.

He is going to have to go up on his drip, as he is experiencing more difficulty, now, with the pain. Although, he is a trooper through it all.

Nothing more at this point to add, thanks for everything. Dawn, Darrell, and Family.

Monday February 4, 2002 9:21 PM CST

oops, just lost the last entry...check the history.

Just wanted you all to check the guestbook. Chayton's brother and sister signed in and spoke from their hearts. Thanks for everything. Dawn

Monday February 4, 2002 8:17 PM CST

Hi! This is Chay's Aunt Mickey.
Chayton is getting a stroller ride tonight as I type this. He shook his head and tried to sit up and everything. He started to cry waiting for it so bad. He's riding around upstairs. Uncle Shawn and G'pa Kraft and I all got to hold him for awhile today. Chayton was running a temp. today but it managed to go down on it's own without any tylenol(we were all thankful for that). Well, I can't think of anything more to say right now, I'm sure Dawn will be back on later with more news.
We love you Chay.

Monday February 4, 2002 8:46 AM CST

Chayton is still holding his own. Very well, I might add. He is surrounded by the love and comfort of his loved ones, but most of all, the love and warmth of Jesus' carressing hands!

Last night, I wanted to do so many things with Chayton, that just occured to me. I wish this were a movie, so we could cover 2 weeks, or even years in two hours. Unfortunately, it isn't...but that is, in a way, what I picture Heaven to be like. There is no time there, so in no time, we will ALL be together, again!

When I had the urge, I decided to pick him up, carry him downstairs, and the first thing we did, was listen to his laugh on the computer. He chuckled at it. After playing it about three times, he just lay there, still as can be, and didn't move his eyes, or anything. It broke my heart. This was one of the last times we got to hear how beautiful his laugh was! And on top of it, when he didn't move, I thought he was sad. Darrell thinks he was just reminiscing. I would like to believe that, after he said it.

We talked about a lot of stuff, Chay and I. Daddy, too. He stayed up all night to talk to him and tell him how much he loved him, too.

The things I have been remembering more than ever, lately, is my pregnancy, and his birth. Oh, how wonderful. And I DO miss it all, but I did even before this obsticle got in our way. He is and was so perfect!

I hope to update later, but I realized how much importance this time holds. Thank you all for everything. Dawn, Darrell and family.

P.S. If you have any memories of Chayton, please, post them or send them to us...thanks again.

And please, pray for Kylee, Chayton and Pierce, along with ALL the other rhabdoid kids...they ALL need it, regardless of where their treatment situation is. Thank you.

Sunday February 3, 2002 5:35 PM CST

Steph Koep is up holding Chayton right now. He is content, and his breathing is different, but consistant. We have done more talking and praying in the last few days than I ever thought we would do about past issues...good ones!

I just want to say before I go to hold my son, thanks to everyone. And the DQ went well, today. Daddy is on his way down to let everyone know he is also thankful...the rest of us already had our turn.

To the friend from NC...we think about you often, and many of us think you are an angel. Thank you for your words of wisdom, and your inspiration to our family.

Thank you to everyone who signs in...and yes, I think when Chayton goes to Heaven, he WILL fill the requests for telling others' loved one's that they, indeed, are loved. Dawn, Darrell and family.

Sunday February 3, 2002 8:30 AM CST

Yesterday was hard for all of us...Chayton started modelling (when your circulatory system starts shutting down, and parts of your body appear gray due to pooling of blood) and I asked the hospice nurse if she thought 'today would be the day?' and she said yes...and little Chayman proved her wrong. He is still here!

Chayton had a few spells last night, and we were all up very late. We had a BIG family prayer, and within an hour, Jenny O's husband, Steve, came over and put him on oxygen. Chay lay there on it, peaceful as can be...then his breathing started to get better, so I asked that we take him off the oxygen. Everyone accept Steve looked at me funny. I told them what I thought. Something came over me. A great sense of peace. I told them all to relax, that Chayton would be here in the morning for a big, awesome breakfast. Even if he didn't eat, I knew that he would, at the very least, be here. Darrell told me to rub him all night. I fell asleep and didn't, but I knew he would be here.

When I woke up this morning, Chay was still here, holding me. He is even moving better. Moving his head to give kisses, touching us, etc.

I don't want to get you all worked up, but I think this is him telling us good-bye the way he wants to. I don't think it will be much longer, but if it is....I AM GRATEFUL!

To the friend in NC, you definately have a way with words. This is what you were meant to do, help others. Thank you. Many have commented, as Darrell and I sit here in awe of you! Thanks! And thanks to everyone else who thinks enough of us and Chayton to write here!

Thank you all! Dawn, Darrell, and family.

*Note to selves*
Chayton drank 4 ounces of water this morning in ten minutes, and 2 ounces of stawberry milk in five minutes. This is a great achievement for him, concidering he has only had sips in the past five days, and only of water. Big accomplishement! (And he let me and daddy know he loves us, and Gat 'n' Ash!)

Saturday February 2, 2002 8:51 PM CST

This is just a quick update to let you know that Chayton is resting comfortably. He is in and out, but knows when we are talking to him...he gives us signs.

He scared us today, more than once, but he just won't let go. We keep telling him it's okay, but we aren't about to make him think we want him gone, either! That is a double edged sword again in this situation.

Chayton, Gatlin and Ashley are sporting their new ID bracelets...and Nicole's is still here waiting for her. They say their names, and on the back, they say, "love, Mowgli", and Chayton's has his name and on the back, it says, "Love, Alli-Gator" (Ashley and Gatlin).

Not much more to say, but didn't want to leave you hanging. Thanks to everyone, peace to you all, Dawn, Darrell and family.

Saturday February 2, 2002 5:51 AM CST

This entry comes from Daddy's heart. He had so much he wanted to say, but was unsure how to muster up all the words. I think he did an awesome job. If you know Darrell, or even if you don't, you may want to grab the Kleenex box, and keep it handy.
(And feel blessed, this is a big step. Daddy keeps a lot in. More than I knew!)

I sit here trying to put my thoughts and feelings on paper. Apparently, I am lacking my wife's ability. I only wish I had a lot of it. And indeed, as you have all said, 'she is an amazing woman!'. I can honestly say I am extremely proud to have her as my wife, and the mother of my children. I truly love her dearly. I could never have made this excruciating Journey alone. As a father, this has been the most gut-wrenching, heart-wrenching, sick feeling as you watch your child going through the pain, and the only thing you can do is give him more medicine (which in turn, makes him sleep) and watch as the toughest, most big hearted person go through something you can't take away from him. The feeling that I hope NO father has to endure.

To be quite honest, it's the hardest thing for me to handle and see. I just wish it were me, instead. I love my kids, Nicole, Ashley, Gatlin, and Chayton, with all my heart. I hope some day they will look at me in the same way as I see my dad. I have the utmost respect for my dad. He has always given me perfect advice when I needed it! Thanks, Dad, for helping me be who I am! And thanks, Mom, for putting up with me as a "hellion". And the millions of spankings I always thought I never needed.

The biggest lesson I have learned from Chayton is that I will NEVER again get caught up in the "root of all evil" (money)! If I can't provide enough in eight to ten hours a day, maximum,...NO WEEKENDS...then I am not providing, anyway. My family is #1, now, NOT MONEY! (Can't stress it enough!) My kids will always know what love is all about, and the time I never had before, with all the jobs, will be wisely spent in family time! You know the kind that speaks for itself, "Yeah, this is what it's all about!".

I've always heard, 'you learn something new, everyday'...and you would be surprised if you stopped looking so hard...it's right in front of you! It's actually the little things you and they (family) appreciate the most.

All that I have learned from Chayton, Gatlin, and Ashley since July, I wouldn't give up ONE memory for all the money in the world, and if I had it to do over again, I would do it in a heartbeat! Chayton taught me the family is and always will be "FIRST". Nothing is more important.

Sorry for not writing sooner, but I am only beginning to read them now, because I couldn't handle it before. Still can't. But I want to thank everyone for all the support and kind, caring words. I can't explain the feeling. It's nice to know they're there and there will be kind hearted people to help in crisis. Thanks again, and thank you kids! Love, Daddy.

P.S. Daddy loves you, Chayton!!! I long for the day we will all be together!

*Sigh, sob*

I told you all my husband was the BEST daddy for our children, didn't I?!? Because he is. And I, personally, think he did an awesome job!

Chayton has been up for about an hour and a half...pr'y sleeping right now, again. Gave him meds, and didn't do much, so we are hooking him up to the drip this morning. Mutual decision. It's time. Chayton has faught a tough, long, big fight, cried tough all the way through it. We need to make sure he is comfortable now, and let him know how loved he is.

Thanks to my Mommy and Glen, Daddy and Lorie. All of you held me in your arms, let me vent, scream, cry, do whatever I needed to do. And thank you for being so wonderful to my husband, who needed and received your support, as well, and for taking "Grandparently" care of our wonderful, deserving, beautiful blessings; Gatlin, Ashley and Chayton. And for being there for Nicole, too. Thanks again.

Thanks to everyone for all the support. My husband said it all! (Told you he was awesome!)

If there is a change in Chayton's condition, I will keep you updated. Thanks for writing in the guest book, and thank you in advance for compliments made for Daddy. I know they are coming, because he made me cry, and lately, that is getting harder to do....tear ducts are empty due to too much of it. Daddy opened the canal. Thanks, Darrell, I love you!

Friday February 1, 2002 10:51 PM CST

Thank you, Tricia Uecker, and Tonia! I saw what you posted on the site...you know what I am talking about. We are so thankful for people like you to have touched Chayton's life. And to have been touched.

Chayton rec'd his meds this evening. We had a little problem and tried to call our hospice worker, but didn't get an answer the first time, and left a msg the second. Then Chay pulled through.

He knows he is loved! We all sat around telling him things that they remember about him, and how sweet he was since the day he was born.

We also got the pic back of the three kids in the park, with Gat 'n' Ash kissing Chay's cheek. It's huge and beautiful.

I don't know what else to say right now. I am a little fatigued. I am sad, and extremely vulnerable as far as my feelings go, right now. Darrell is sad and remains to keep his chin up. He is doing it because he is Chayton's boy. He knows that Chayton needs him to be strong for him, but Chayton also needs to see daddy cry one more time.

We have had lots of visitors lately, and it's tapering off, now. In a way, that's a good thing, because it gets a little overwhelming after a while, and we know that when all is said and done, we will be all alone to deal with this for the most part. We know there will be support out there, but not as intense as it is right now.

Thanks for everything, and keep praying, Dawn, Darrell and family.

Friday February 1, 2002 6:56 PM CST

Well, Chayton is sleeping most of the time, now. Probably dreaming about Heaven with all of us there, or something sweet like that. Honestly, I don't know. I can only imagine.

Chayton is going on IV push morphine and IV push (some other thing). He is also getting oral Lozarapem (sp?). And possibly tomorrow, we will be starting him on IV drip. It was first going to be morphine, but we didn't think that would do it, plus it makes his little nose itch. Then Phentynol, but then Dr. Bendel decided to put him on something else that is A LOT stronger, but we won't use as much...(.1mg/hour) That would be diluted and go in as 1cc/hour. (5cc=1tsp). Just to give you an idea on how potent it is. That way we have more room to work with it, too.

There is a chance that Chayton may not wake up again, unless he is in severe pain. In that case, we would drug him, and he would just go out again. Not that I like that, or that it sounds pretty, but how does one explain such a thing?!? I wonder if Chay can hear us, and in my heart, I believe the answer is yes.

Gatlin and Ashley are making cards right now to keep them occupied. They are being so good. We had to have a MAJOR talk about all the racket and noise they were putting off, and they understand, and now are very quiet for their brother.

I will update later this evening. Thanks for signing in...it helps, and everyone is reading them. The short as well as the long! Thanks again, Dawn, Darrell and family.

Friday February 1, 2002 8:35 AM CST

Newest update...
Chayton is resting, still. Looking peaked! I don't know what to make of this yet, but I do know that I am comfortable knowing that we love him and he knows it. I would like to point out that on the bottom of this page is Pierce's page, and Kylee's. Please, they are going through the same things as Chayton, and I ask that you all pray for them. Pierce, Kylee, Chayton and all the other kids. They and their families need us all. I don't know what to say. My heart feels heavy and I feel like I am sufficating. These babies are so strong, and nobody knows what they are thinking all the time. It's even harder because we have to watch them suffer with this awful monster. Please, pray for them and all the other rhabdoid children...and the angels, too. And please pray that if these kids go to Heaven's Playground, that they will be met by the other rhabdoid angels, and they can show them the ropes. I don't know what else to say. My heart feels like it is bleeding. I need to go hold my precious son, again. Thank you all, Dawn

Last Update...
This is going to be somewhat of a long entry. I hope you enjoy the latter half.

Chayton had quite a few screaming spells, and we upped his methadone from 3cc to 5cc. We upped the morphine from 1cc to 2cc...waiting to see if we need to go up to 3cc, upped the decadron from 1cc every 8 hrs, to every 6 hrs. We also gave him 1/2cc of valuim last night, and will continue to do so to take the edge off. We are getting morphine for injection today, and eventually, we will work up to morphine drip. We are ever so thankful that Chayton was with us this morning. He has had much pain, and we called Dr. Bendel at 3am! And she got right to us. Poor girl, I felt so bad, but she told us to do that any time!

Chayton actually had a better eve than we thought he would have. It seems as though things are coming and going now more than ever. One second is fine, the next is agonizing, etc...

Roger and Marylynn came back last night, and they brought me a paper that I want to share. The rec'd it from another mom of a child that was struck by a car at two years old. Thanks Roger, Marylynn and Traci for sharing!

The Beauty of Holland
I am asked often to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability--to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this...
When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation/trip to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make your wonderful vacation plans. The coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very, very exciting.
After months of eafer anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The flight attendant comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland".
"Holland?", you say, "What do you mean, Holland? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."
But there's been a change in the flight plan. They landed in Holland and there you must stay. The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible place, full of pestilence, famine, and disease. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guidebooks. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people that you would have never met.
It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you have been there for awhile and you catch your breath, you look around and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills. Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy, and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say, "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned".
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss.
But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't go to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland. ...Emily Pearl Kingsley.

The moral is, we are saddened, but I think we feel better than what this story describes, because we were BLESSED to have been a part of Chayton's life, and we will never regret missing out on "Italy".

Chayton has shown us more about life in his short time on Earth, than we ever thought we could possibly learn outside of school or college. Chayton is my FAVORITE prof!

Hope you enjoyed the story, and hope you are still praying for Chayton. Thanks much, Dawn, Darrell and family.

(AHH...feels better in the new chapter.)

Thursday January 31, 2002 3:53 PM CST

We have several goals as I write this. The first being that Chayton remains comfortable. That is the most important one. Then, from there, they vary in importance. From where we see it right now, we are praying that Chayton will at least make it through the night. This is not the typical shortness of breath deal...he has A LOT of pain. We put him in God's hands a while back, and have told him not to be afraid. Jesus won't hurt him, he will help him. He is our Friend! We have taken many pictures of all of our hands in one, today.

We are also hoping that if he makes it through the night, that he will make it at least to the weekend. We don't know if that is a reality, but we told him if he wanted to go, it was okay, and if he wanted to stay, that was okay, too. We will be here for whatever he decides. And then some. I hope you can all find comfort in this.

Grandma Kraft is holding Chayton in her loving arms right now, and Grandma VanderKolk is holding him in her loving heart. She wants to be here, and will be tomorrow. She feels like the rest of us...guilty for asking him to hold on and be strong, but we have all told him that he has been strong, we apologized, and told him that whatever he wanted, we would support. Because that is what families do! We love our son, and don't want to lose him, but we also can't stand to make him suffer by asking him to hold on. He has fought a good fight, and he remains to be the strongest MAN I have ever met in my life.

Please pray for Kylee, and a new little boy, Pierce, another rhabdoid child. His page is www.caringbridge.com/page/pierce I have to put it on the page, but I will get to that as soon as I can. Thanks again, Dawn, Darrell, and family.

Thursday January 31, 2002 9:24 AM CST

Just another update to let you know how Chayton is doing. It was a long and trying night. Chayton suffered a lot of pain and pressure last night. I gave him a dose of morphine, and it didn't do squat! I gave him another dose, and still NOTHING. Then I upped his Decadron. He finally started to relax enough to where he would go back to sleep.

I asked him if he wanted to lay down, (I was holding him at a slant, cradling him) and he shook his head yes, so I laid him down....HE SCREAMED! I asked him if he wanted to sit up, and again, he shook his head yes, so I sat him up....HE SCREAMED! I went through this about three times before we finally got him down to a cry. He was holding his head the entire time.

The hardest part is that when we up the Decadron, all it is doing is reducing the swelling. Most people think this is a good thing, but to get in and look at the big picture....all that is happening when you reduce the swelling, is we are giving the tumor more room to grow. Either way, our son's brain is being squished to bits from the inside out. It's not pretty, and there is no grace about it.

(So much for the new Chapter!)...Chayton slept with Gatlin and Ashley last night. They were so excited for me to pull the couch out into a hide-a-bed, last night. Ashley got a really bad sinus infection/cold, so I moved her over onto the couch (we have a sectional), and I laid by Chay, but until about 2am, she was with her brother. The three of them looked so sweet. My three little angels. I will keep that picture burned in my mind for as long as I can...hopefully for always!

I ask that everyone say an extra prayer for Chayton, and Kylee. They both had rough nights last night. It's so hard to see a little one go through this, but we can't give up that hope for a miracle!!!!!!!

Thanks, and I will update when I get the chance. Dawn, Darrell and family.

Wednesday January 30, 2002 4:34 PM CST

What a sense of relief! Today, I didn't want to go to the appointment, to be quite honest, because everyone always claims they can save our son. No treatment has been proven to do so, yet, and Chayton suffers a little more every time we try.

I am glad that I went to talk to them today. They were VERY honest with us, and told us they don't think this would save him. They told us our best bet would be to make him and ourselves happy and comfortable, and to use aromatherapy. He said if we ever needed to talk, his door was open. Dr. Sult has been an asset in every sense of the word to us, and we just met him today. There was a reason we went there, but not the reason I thought it would be. He really helped Darrell and I to understand eachother, and to communicate constructively. (We were having some issues with that, lately).

I think we are coming to terms with the fact that our son is not going to beat this thing, unless God wants him to. At this point, the possibility is vague. I can only hope.

We have rec'd a wonderful response from all over the world, and we would like to thank everyone for that. The support has been tremendous, and helped us more than we thought were possible.

As far as the creep that we talked to on the phone yesterday, about the financial aspect of alternative therapy...I didn't get the chance to give her my $500.00 worth of thought, which is probably just as well. I hate to say this, but when we are advocating for our children, we tend to turn midevil! It's the truth, and it's not that we are ashamed of it, it's just that no body should have to be that way in a situation like this.

I hope you enjoyed the photos on the page. I really thought these were awesome pics., so I had to put them up.

Hope to make it to the DQ fundraiser in Winthrop Sunday. Marylynn and Roger, from Hutchinson are coming over to see Mowgli again tonight. I like it when they are here, because they lighten the load for us. Not necessarily by doing anything in particular. Just the fact that they are so relaxing to talk to. Pastor Bob was also here to say a prayer for Chay, and Gwen, from Hospice to check on him.

I think this is going to be the last chapter of being so worked up and sad about Chayton's condition. The next chapter is going to continue to let you know what is going on with him, but also to be happy that we had this time with him...and to tell you memories that we had with him in his short life. Thanks again, Dawn, Darrell, and family.

Tuesday January 29, 2002 7:58 PM CST

New update...scroll down...

Hi. Lots of new pics up in the photo album. (Home photos, scanned by someone who loves Chay a lot.) Thanks, friend! Another quick, or somewhat quick, update. Chayton just threw up all over. Okay, not all over, he did hit the bucket the second time around, but he is having a lot of pain today. I think that is contributing to his vomitting. Also, he has had several morphine rescues today. He doesn't give much warning. He moves his legs around, then twists his frail little body from side to side, grabs his head and screams. That is all the warning we get. At times there is much less. For the most part, we are trying to keep him as comfortable as possible.

He sleeps the majority of the time, now, and he is always positioned on the right side. We lay him on his back, and he still turns his head. It is getting harder to comfort him, but we will continue to try our best.

We are going to another alternative doctor tomorrow. They use peroxide, as well, only instead of ingesting it, it is injected through his double lumen hickman catheter. I can't say that I have an over amount of faith in this, to be honest, but we have to try. Prove me wrong. I asked them today, however, if they have ever saved anyone in Chayton's condition, and she told me no, that they have been able to prolong their lives, though. (For months, not years, and for the most part, the patient is comfortable.) She said the treatment, again, is out of pocket. She said that the cancer protocal is two times a week, and depending on your finances, you may only get one treatment a week. I was immediately outraged. My exact words back to her were, "are you telling me that if we were rich, you would give him more treatments and keep him with us longer?!?" She was oblivious to what I was saying...she said, "yeah, that's what I'm saying" in a dull tone as if she didn't give a crap. UUUUGGGGHHHH! Talk about a slap in the face, kick in the head, ripping your heart in two and handing it back to you...I was P.O.ed to say the least! This was at 3:30 this afternoon. She told Darrell that we had until 5:00 to get back to her.

At about 4:45, Darrell called back. He asked to get an appointment. She told him that the soonest she could get us in was in March. Darrell was in a panic. He didn't know what to say, as he stumbled on his words, and finally he just said, "if you don't get us in before that, you might as well forget it, he will be gone, and that will be one less life you have helped." Imagine that, suddenly, there was an opening in the morning! What the hell is this crap?!? I am sorry, but I am extremely frustrated right now. I am having my doubts on everything right now. It's mainly because of the continuous run around we have gotten since the beginning. Fed Up!

I suppose, I should really get going. Thanks for all the support and prayers. Please sign the guestbook. It gives us something to think about quite often. Thanks again, Dawn, Darrell and family.

P.S. The robot is still under construction, coming along fine even though Daddy and Gatlin get exhausted rather quickly, it seems. Ashley's make over was a success. She just got the finishing touches from Terri Schmidt. The nails were last, but they are beautiful, just like her!

(Wednesday January 30, 2002 4:20 am)

Hi, me again. I am sooo tired, but yet soooo awake. Chayton was up screaming only moments ago. My first thought...morphine. Then I realized the "couch monster" had stolen his nuk. I actually had to get up, move all the blankets, Chayton and myself and start to investigate. After a brief search, the nuk was recovered and Chayton is fine. WOW, I feel much better that I didn't have to give him morphine. Do you know what this means?!? Mowgli has been morphine free for at least 10 hours now.

I wouldn't be updating right now, because of my lack of sleep, but I really needed to relax for a moment. I am going to try to get a little more rest before the morning starts getting hectic, but I wanted to let everyone know that I am so excited about the "couch monster", and that he isn't in pain! (I thought there was a couch monster before, when I would wake up with a tremendous back-ache, but I wasn't sure...NOW I KNOW!) Sure beats druggin' my baby! Thanks again, Dawn, Darrell and family.

Tuesday January 29, 2002 10:24 AM CST

It has been one heck of a night. Darrell and I were up on and off throughout the entire night. Good night's sleep? What's that?!? Just kidding. It's worth every minute to know he is still doing okay.

Chayton got Morphine twice yesterday, and at 4 in the morning, he woke up just screaming! He needed it again, and NOW! About two hours later at 6, he was up screaming again. I didn't give him anymore, because we thought maybe it would subside, and thankfully, it did. I can't describe the pain Chayton must be going through for obvious reasons, but we also can't describe our's. There is something about your baby screaming, looking at you, wanting you to make it all go away, and when you are already feeling helpless, where do you go from there? More helplessness. Easy answer to a tough subject.

Chayton is looking good, although he isn't feeling the same. I was reading someone else's page this morning, and it was so ironic, their little girl said things like Chay, "all done, stop it, no no, good boy, quit it!", etc. These are not normal things for a little one to say, all the time. Maybe every once in a while, but not all the time.

Ashley is getting a manicure today, and Daddy and Gatlin are going to do something fun. I have no idea what the rest of the day's agenda will be. Chayton will be a part of every bit of it.

G'pa and G'ma Kraft are on their way back up here, again. Thank goodness! G'ma VanderKolk had also concidered coming up and staying for a week or so. That would be nice, too! Not that we can't handle it, but then again.

I was pretty much right on when I said that Chayton would probably be having a "bad day" today. I wish I would have been wrong. Even though he sleeps a lot, he also wakes up screaming. It worries us when he sleeps so much.

Just thinking about the tumor last night, while I was laying next to Chay, I thought, how would I handle something like that. I got my answer rather quick. I wouldn't. I feel so bad for anyone who has to go through this. I can't describe Daddy's feelings, because right now he is very hurt and even more bitter. This is so hard on him, and he doesn't know how to handle it, either. I only wish we could have a little normalcy, but that will never happen again. That is all gone. Every last drop of anything normal in our household left July 18th, 2001. But we still are a family and have to continue to "try" functioning like one.

A quick note before I go for a while. Angel Sarah Colby, one of the rhabdoid angels, has an Aunt Melanie, who was recently diagnosed with a brain tumor...sounds like it is cancerous. Aunt Melanie has a husband and three children. Could everyone also please add her and her family to your prayers?!? Thank you. After what Sarah had gone through, our only wish is that the rest of the family is healthy. Thanks again, Dawn, Darrell and family.

P.S. Daddy is bonding with Chayton right now, upstairs laying down. (Mowgli can't hold his head up anymore, again.) We are dying inside, and still hoping for the best. Peace and love, The Chayton Hunter Anderson family.

Monday January 28, 2002 12:31 AM CST

It's a new day to be thankful for, Chayton is still with us, and happy. Daddy, Gatlin and Ashley are upstairs playing right now. They are pouncing all around, attacking Daddy. Chayton lays on the couch, watching, taking all of it in, so peacefully. He is such a blessing.

Obviously, today is better than the last couple have been. But, it seems to come and go. We are hoping I am wrong. Please, God, Prove me wrong! I am thinking that this evening or tomorrow is going to hit rock bottom, once again. I hate this feeling, that I can't describe. I know that God is by his side, and that Jesus is helping us take care of him.

Daddy and Gatlin are going to work on a project today. They are going to build the robot that Gatlin designed, to take away Chay's tumor. Because of the last time Gatlin thought he could save Chay, Daddy made him make a promise. He made Gatlin promise that if it doesn't work, we have ALL tried everything humanly possible, and he can't blame himself. Gatlin's response was short. He said, "I'll try my best, Daddy!" Darrell agreed, and Gatlin is so happy that he gets to try again.

I was going over some of Chayton's medical records and am a bit discouraged. It said that the Dr. who removed the tumor knew what it was that very day. He also sent it off for analysis, and it came back that day, that it was a rhabdoid brain tumor. He notified the other drs, the following day. The reason it was so upsetting is because we were not informed until a week later, and we talked to the doctors everyday! We were right there at the hospital. There were other things in the reports that were bothersome, but this one took the cake. In there, in a round about way with their words, they knew Chayton wasn't going to survive this anyway. That hurts! To know that they had such little faith in such a wonderful little boy. I am not by any means claiming that Chayton is the only wonderful child out there. In my opinion, I firmly believe that EVERY child who has dealt with rhabdoid is wonderful. We love all our kids the same, but we don't think the older kids would have taken things so gracefully. If you look at each of these children, they are all so special in their own way, and NOBODY can mimic that or take it away from them or their families! I believe that!

I am sure I will be back on here, soon, letting everyone know what is going on, and hoping that everyone is still hopeful in one way or another.

Dave and Noreen Nelson from the Winthrop Dairy Queen are having a fundraiser for Chayton this Sunday. All proceeds will go to Chayton. They know a lot about what we are going through, and they have been wonderful to talk to. They also have amazing people working for them, who decided to donate their time on Sunday to work and help out. One of those wonderful people is Steph Koep. She has been one of Chayton's babysitters since he was itty bitty. I can't say enough good things about that girl! (She even has Gatlin and Ashley totally in love with her.)

I hope to have better news about Chayton this afternoon, but if not, know that even if it isn't what we would like, he is still a miracle child, and we are still hopeful. We don't intend on giving in. Another rhabdoid mommy once told me, "You never lose hope, your hope just changes!" I think that is the best and only way to describe the things we are dealing with. Thanks again, and thank you for the guestbook entries. We are printing them all off. We want to make a book for our little man. Thanks for thinking of us, Dawn, Darrell and family.

Sunday January 27, 2002 12:48 AM CST

Hi. It's an up day for Chayton. He is feeling a little better. It seems as though this is the up and down that the doctors warned us about. We are feeling a little better about it, now.

Chayton was playful...Lots of family has been here to see him, and some friends, as well. Thanks for all the food...It Is MUCH Appreciated!

There is a new link at the bottom of the page for Kylee. A little girl in Waterloo, Iowa, that also suffers from the "monster". I met her Grandma at Chayton's benefit. They all need our prayers, as well. She is a cute, smart, and loved little girl. Please check on her, too. Thanks for everything, Dawn, Darrell and family.

Saturday January 26, 2002 9:15 PM CST

I told you something was going to change...I just didn't know how or what. Chayton has eaten for the first time in DAYS! He didn't eat much, but the fact that he did is awesome itself! He also drank about 10 ounces today.

His breathing is still slow and he is still comfortable. Hopefully, we will be able to hold on to him. Although, it still doesn't seem so. They say, they always get better before they go. I hope that isn't what is happening. He is also able to turn his head from side to side.

Jenny O. was here a bit ago, and she made us all smile! Including Gatlin and Ashley. It's nice to "get away into another realm" every now and then. Unfortunately, the thoughts and feelings are still there.

There is a lot of hurt right now. Not only for Chayton, but for other things we are dealing with. The pain of feeling like this is a burden to the people you really wish were there, before it came to this. There has been a lot of support, though, and we are thankful in that aspect.

I am off to tuck in our two older blessings, then lay down with the youngest. AND PRAYING A LOT, TOO!!!!! Thanks for everything, Dawn, Darrell and family.

Saturday January 26, 2002 4:45 PM CST

I'm back...for a short time. Chayton was resting in the comfort of many loving arms throughout the day, today. He is still where he was when I last updated. Although his respirations are fewer and farther between. He has laughed (to the best of his ability) a couple times. He held a doll and kissed it, too. (He loves babies!)

Chayton's boy is having a tough time with all of this, just like the rest of us. It's just harder to see because Daddy had been a "rock" for Chay for so long. I guess it's taking it's toll on everyone.

G'pa and G'ma Kraft, Abby, Nate and Tony went home. They just left. Hopefully they will have a safe and uneventful trip home. It seems as though everything is working against us...maybe, hopefully, that's just us (our feelings).

I have a strange feeling things are going to change. Only, I can't say it will be for the better. If anything does, you know I will keep you informed. Thanks again, Dawn, Darrell and family.

Saturday January 26, 2002 1:53 PM CST

These updates are short because of what is happening. Chayton is not moving anything but his hand...willingly, that is.

Darrell disconnected the fluid IV after Chayton rec'd about 5 ounces...because he was continuing to deteriorate. Dad and Lorie were going to go home, but I asked them to stay. I don't know how long they will be here, but they are here, and that is the main thing.

Chayton sat in his chair...propped up for dinner. He didn't eat. It was like he isn't even hungry. (Body shut down thing, we figure).

Thanks again for all the prayers. I need to go hold our son more. Thanks, Dawn, Darrell and family.

Saturday January 26, 2002 11:21 AM CST

Hey. Just thought I would apologize for the last entry...Obviously, I was EXTREMELY emotional.

Chayton is still not doing well. He is sleeping almost all the time, now. Which is okay...he is still comfortable.

He hasn't eaten or drank since yesterday morning. My mom came to us and kinda "freaked out" saying that she wasn't going to sit there and watch the baby just lay there and do nothing...he needs fluids or something, NOW! So I hooked him up to IV fluids...but we were told it could cause his passing (if that is to happen) to be excruciatingly painful. I will feel so guilty if that happens. Everyone else has an idea of what to do...but what do we do?!? It's the biggest catch 22 we've encountered...this whole mess.

Darrell is a bit emotional, due to many things. The guestbook entries are awesome and so supportive. We need that now more than ever. We are so afraid. Thanks! To all of you. And the poem was great, too.

I wrote one for Daddy from Chayton the other day when Daddy wasn't doing so well, and he hasn't heard or seen it yet. I may post it later. Just not right now. Depends on Daddy's reaction.

Anyway, the kids are emotional, but keeping themselves pre-occupied. That is a good thing! I'd rather have it that way, than have them all stressed.

We had a slumber party in the living room last night. Watching Chayton in shifts.

I suppose, I should go...love to all, Dawn, Darrell and family. Oh, and please, continue to keep Chay in your thoughts and prayers. Thanks.

Friday January 25, 2002 5:51 PM CST

I am writing to you through tear stained eyes. I hope the words come out like they should. It's hard to write this entry, but I feel it must be done. As you all know, Chayton hasn't quite been himself lately. Things going on that are unexplicable.

We thank GOD for every minute with Chayton. There is just so much pain right now. Will this pain ever subside, or is it going to get worse? Those are two questions I don't have the answer to, and won't have until I'm probably gone from here.

Chayton was having respiratory problems, so I counted over the course of three minutes. The first minute, he took in 24 breaths, the second, 18, and the third was between 20 and 22. I couldn't get an exact count. I got scared, so I called to Children's hospital and talked to a nurse. She said that Chayton was dying (how many times do we have to hear that?!?) and that instead of going quick, he is going slower. It could suddenly change, but who knows.

Daddy wasn't home at the time, so I really got nervous. I just held him as close as I could without smothering him...begging him, "Please, Mowgli, wait for Daddy! He will NEVER be the same if you don't wait for him...please, Chay...Gatlin and Ashley are on their way. So are your G'mas and G'pas and Uncle Nate and Abby! Wait for them, Chayton....Please wait for Daddy. He would never forgive himself. Mommy needs you to wait!" Then, Chayton was able to let out a slight whimper. Thank God, he can hear me!!!!!

Chayton continued to deteriorate rapidly. I cried and cried to him, begging him. I didn't know what to do. What kind of a mother am I? Part of me thinks it was good for me to beg, and the other part of me feels so selfish because I DON'T want our baby to suffer. It's undescribable now. Just so many emotions flowing all at once. What to do? Where to go?

Then, only minutes later, Daddy came home. I told him Daddy was back and asked if he would like to have Daddy hold him. He pushed against me with a weak nudge, so I sat him up and told Daddy to get in there. Daddy was taking his time, and I didn't want to startle Chay, so I just laid him back on my chest, and told Daddy, "now! Our son needs you!"

Daddy came in there and it seemed like it was taking him forever to sit down. I got up with Chayton. I felt like I was THROWING him at his Daddy, but I wasn't. Boy, how feelings can get the best of ya...As soon as Daddy got him, he started to breathe a little better.

About then, I received a phone call from Dr. Jurida in Houston, Texas. He said he also thought it was time. He said that we should get Chayton to the Hospital immediately. They could give him stronger meds, like the Decadron that he is on, to reduce swelling. He also said to get a CT scan done to see if the light is working. If it is, we can get back on the antineoplaston treatment. More than likely, it's not...or he wouldn't be having such adverse side effects. But, one can only hope. He said that at the hospital, Chayton could get better care than he could at home. I told Darrell what he said, although we agreed we wanted him at home with all the familiar surroundings. Darrell said he would think about it. I believe we are going to stay home. We have meds, here, and we love him and he likes it here.

Hopefully, all the prayers are getting through, and He will help us out. Chayton is comfortable right now, but still not doing well. How much more of this has to go on?!? Please, say an extra prayer for Chayton and our family tonight when you go to bed, or when ever...we need it. We are absolutely at a loss!

I don't know what tomorrow, or tonight for that matter will bring, all I know is God help us, we are so afraid. Not of where he will go...when, and how the family will maintain.

I'm sure this sounds awful, but why did He let us have him in the first place if He were just going to take him back? We are so attached to Mowgli, that we can't imagine our lives without him! Please, dear Lord, have mercy on us now. Amen. Dawn, Darrell and family.

Friday January 25, 2002 8:41 AM CST

First of all, HEY, NANCY....Check the photo album. I honored your request! :) And Chayton is LOOKIN' GOOD!

It's getting a little more trying around here. Not trying because of anything other than thoughts racing through our minds. We are still hoping to find "the cure". We called a friend from Charles City, last night, and he recommended we try hydrogen peroxide, which is an alternative therapy that fights off cancer. After doing much research last night, we have a number to call, and we are going to do that as soon as we possibly can. Cross your fingers and pray that Chayton will be a survivor.

A gal out in Houston, TX told us when we were there to give him to God and let him decide. For so long I couldn't do that. I thought that if I gave him to God, he would take him. About a week ago, I did that. I still want him here, and I told Him that, but I also want him feeling okay, etc. I hope that will help.

I drew labs this morning to get a Dilantin level on him, again. I will find out soon, the results of that test.

Chayton had a good night's rest. He was definately worn out by the time he went to bed! And about 3 times, we had to grab him before he fell off the couch. (We periodically wake up to check on him...which is a good thing.) I don't want to know what would happen if he fell off and hit his head. And when we grab him...he's always head-down. *SCAREY*!

Gatlin and Ashley will be coming home today! So are Grandpa and Grandma VanderKolk, and Grandpa and Grandma Kraft and HOPEFULLY Abby. She makes his weekend when she is here. He loves her so much. He won't talk for days, but when he looks at her, he sits up, takes his binky out and says, "Abby!" Sometimes it's hard, but he does it, anyway!

Chayton hasn't walked in almost a week. He can walk if you are holding him. His legs are so shakey and weak. I dreamt last night that this was all a bad dream...then I woke up...and I'm sure you can figure out the rest of that story. Real bummer!

Anyway, if there are any changes, I will be sure to keep you updated. I have a yucky/strange feeling that soon we are going to have a turn of events. Either it will be what we all are dreading, or praying for. I don't think this is going to keep on.

Daddy was pretty emotional yesterday. That was REALLY hard to see. Daddy is Chayton's boy. It's weird. Not the other way around, like normal. Chayton is everyone's boy, but Daddy is his! Daddy will do whatever Chayton wants! And he will act like a child for Chayton as long as he cracks a smile....and even then sometimes Daddy just does it. They have an awesome relationship.

Daddy, Chayton and I all miss Gatlin and Ashley so much. We just want them here all the time it seems. We anticipate our phone calls and dread hanging up the phone. It's so much nicer when they are here. Honestly, I don't know how we make it day by day without them here. It's hard, I do know that.

Well, I have to go medicate Chayton now and make sure he doesn't get sick. (And check on Daddy, too.) Thanks for everything, Dawn, Darrell and family.

Thursday January 24, 2002 10:35 AM CST

Hello. Chayton is sitting on my lap and checking out the site. He is content. I read him the guestbook entries, and a couple, he giggled at. (I don't know why, maybe he thought a word was funny or something.)

He threw up just after I updated yesterday. He wasn't feeling well at all. Today, so far, he has "swollowed it back down", and continues to be tired often. He has seizure-like symptoms throughout the day at times. He is doing good for the most part.

Sally just got here to see him. He is now in her arms just laying there comfortably. (They share the same birthday, too.) She came in and scooped him right into her arms, and there he lays, holding her, laying over her heart.

Things are looking up around here for us. We are communicating better. Another rhabdoid mommy told me that it's somewhat normal in not so many words, but we are at opposite ends of the spectrum. Anyway, we feel much better today and lastnight than we have in days. It always seemed we couldn't agree on anything for the past couple weeks. Stress was getting the better of us. Now, we're kickin' stress' kiester!

I don't really know what else to say right now. Chayton is still comfortable, and we are still shooting for our goal date.

Thanks again for all the support and prayers. Thanks also for the donations...now maybe we can keep our house. (:)) If we don't have somewhat of a sense of humor about it, we will go absolutely insane! Dawn, Darrell and kids

Wednesday January 23, 2002 3:00 PM CST

Hello. Not much new is going on with Chayton. He is doing much better than he has been in the past few days. Although he is fatigued the majority of the time. Other than that, there has been no vomitting, etc. And he has had wet diapers more frequently.

Before I forget, there is a new link at the bottom of this page for little Cassandra. Due to other things going on in the families life, there was a need for a new page. Long story, and frankly, none of my business, but nonetheless, the link is there.

The stress is definately getting to Darrell and I. There are moments throughout the last couple of days that seemed almost unbearable. Things are getting better, now, though. It's just hard with everything else going on. Chayton being ill, Ashley not quite understanding what's going on, and Gatlin wanting to die to be with his brother. I hate to ask, but WHAT NEXT?!? The kids are doing better, so that is a relief, and that includes Chayton. Not exactly where we would like him to be...but everyday is a blessing, and closer to a possible miracle!

Yeah Connor! He is a little boy that was diagnosed with a rhabdoid tumor like Chayton, and it had spread to his spine, as well, I believe. Anyway, Connor is in remission, or "cancer free"! I always make it a point to check on the other kids because it's a type of therapy for me. Sarah, another child who passed in Nov. from this monster, still has updates, as well. I think that is healthy. I would definately want to do the same for Chayton if that would ever happen to him. You can check on these kids by clicking the link below and going into Rhabdoid Kids. You will find Connor there, and if you scroll down to Angel kids, you will see Sarah.

As far as us...with hope I will continue to update and have better news day by day. Thank you all for the support. Dawn, Darrell and family.

Tuesday January 22, 2002 7:35 PM CST

Hey. We just got home from the hospital...finally. Things went well for the most part. We were given a new "goal" date. (You know how I love him proving the dates wrong!) The new goal, after them seeing him, is the middle of Feb. Since that would be Valentine's day, I just went by 3 weeks from today. That would be the 11th. That is our new goal! Wish us well!

We got to meet the famous Michael, today. What a handsome and funny guy! He's a little man after every woman's heart. And he knows what he wants...RIGHT NOW! He is so awesome! He has great parents, too. I wish Darrell and I could be so strong. We have our days.

Thanks to Pastor Kevin for FINALLY signing in, again. Ha ha....I did razz him this weekend. It's nice to see the entries, and we really like them.

Chayton's Dilantin level was 7...which was low. He is at risk for seizure, so we upped the med. Scarey thought. Also, he weighed only 26#. His blood pressure was pretty high. As far as the rest of it...things went well. We were able to get his lines unblocked, obviously, since I just told you the dilantin level, and he was pretty happy about being away again.

The kids are doing much better this week. Last week there were concerns because Ashley doesn't really grasp the concept of what is going on, and Gatlin, believe it or not, was suicidal. He is doing much better. Daddy had a long talk with him about it this weekend, and even his counselor said he is doing better today. THANK GOD! We were worried, kids between the ages of 5 and 9 are just as apt and capable of committing suicide as teenagers. Not something we expected to learn, but now we know what to look for. And like I said, he is doing much better, now.

Chayton is missing play time, so I'd better get him back to the living room. Thanks for all the support. Dawn, Darrell, and family.

Monday January 21, 2002 9:17 PM CST

Thank you, Aunt Missalynn!

Hi, it's me, Dawn. We arrived home about an hour or so ago. Chayton is under the light right now. He is groggy and irritable, but that is to be expected.

Last night after the benefit in New Hampton, Chayton threw up ALOT! My good friend, Carla, was there with me, while Darrell was next door. I just said get Digger, and Whoosh...they were there in a flash! Chayton was miserable. We took about an hour to clean him up and change the dressing on his catheter. Thank God for small miracles! We were out of medical tape, and needed it to finish his dressing. Just then, Carla remembered she had some in the truck! What a life-saver!

Then today, it happened again. Amongst other people in the room, Carla's brother, Mike was there. I had to razz him a little when things cooled down, so I told him that Chayton just wanted to break the family in! I was only kidding. During times like these, a bit of humor is acceptable as far as we are concerned. Without it, we would be CRAZY!

Gatlin and Ashley were so excited today. Before we left to come home, we stopped by school so they could tell Chayton bye. They are in separate classes, and it was really good for them because they each got to take us to the front of the room and introduce us to everyone, and then introduce everyone to us. There is a little boy named Colton in Ashley's class, and he gave us hugs. That was such a sweet gesture! Then in Gatlin's class, one of the little boy's called out to Chayton on our way out the door...a couple of times. I turned around and still didn't get to see who it was, and then the same voice called out anxiously, "Chayton, Chayton...Chayton, little buddy, it'll be okay, I love you, Chayton!" I still don't know who it was, but about ten steps down the hall, I looked at Darrell with tears in my eyes thinking that the little boy who said that is VERY thoughtful and at the very least, a bright young man! All in all, no regrets taking him to the kids' class.

Sherman Andrus did such an awesome job at the concert! (And he is quite the comedian, as well!) Pastor Frey was wonderful, as always. Everyone was great! Pastor Bergstrom was also wonderful.

Grandma and Grandpa VanderKolk were there waiting to get their paws on Chayton. Grandma and Grandpa Kraft were there passing him back and forth with the other G'pa and G'ma, and Grandma and Grandpa Anderson were there and really pleased with the outcome.

There was a grandmother there from Waterloo, Iowa, who has a granddaughter who was also diagnosed with the EXACT same thing! I am hoping to hear back from them, and hopefully they will get a web-site and let me know the link and I will DEFINATELY post it on Chayton's page! I saw pictures of the little one, and my oh my, is she ever a beautiful little girl! (And from the looks of it, she is very happy!)

Chayton had a morphine rescue again in the car on the way home. We are hoping somehow we can get some of this under better control. I will contact the doctor in the morning, and hopefully, learn more. We are planning on taking him to Children's tomorrow, anyway. We need to get his lines unblocked. We think it is possible that all of this could be linked to some sort of infection involving the lines.

Keeping our fingers crossed, and hoping for the best, Dawn, Darrell and family.

Sunday January 20, 2002 10:07 PM CST

Hello everyone, this is Missy again. Tonight was the fundraiser for Chay and it went exceptionally well!!! Thank you to all that attended and donated, it is much appreciated and not forgotten. Chay seemed to be kinda lethargic tonight, but he was smiling for the most part. I wish I could have held him, but he was not going to have any of that with G'mas and G'pas surrounding him! Well, sorry so short, but I just got my boys home, and I'm betting that Colton is negotiating with his dad right about now, so I better get...
You'll all be happy to read tomorrow's journal entry from the fingertips of Dawn again!
Thank You Everyone~
Dawn, Darrell, Chayton, Gatlin and Ashley
John, Missy, Dominic and Colton and the rest of our family

Saturday January 19, 2002 9:43 PM CST

Hey all, this Missy, Dawn doesn't have access at this time to update, so I am.
Chayton got IV fluids because he hasn't eaten in a couple days-only about 4 oz. He has had morphine rescue twice in the last 2 days(or 3x)
He is spending quality time w/ Gatlin and Ashley. They have been REALLY good w/ him. Gatlin has reciting the Billy Goat Gruff story for Chay and Ashley got him a big angel teddy bear.
The hospital had to fax the DNR report down here just in case something happens(Do Not Recuscitate). Hopefully, there will be no need for that.
Chay's story came out in the Waterloo Courier, Friday in the Metro section. It was a good job! Thanks!
Chayton's benefit is tomorrow. We are hoping it will be a good day for Chayton.
Hope to see you there!
Thanks, Dawn, Darrell, Chayton, Ashley, and Gatlin

Friday January 18, 2002 1:49 PM CST

I changed the second photo on Chayton's page. Just thought you might like to know that. Anyway, Chayton is resting right now. Darrell went to pick up his meds, and run a few last minute erronds, then WE'RE OFF! To Iowa.

We will be staying in New Hampton at the Super 8. That way, he will still get his treatments, etc.

Gatlin and Ashley are having an okay day today. I hope that maintains. We are really worried about them. Mainly Gatlin. He is having BIG issues. We really have to keep an eye on him.

If anything changes with Chayton, we will be sure to let you know. He had lasagna for breakfast again this morning! Yummy!

Thanks to all the visitors in the last few days, Uncle Jerome and Aunt Shaun and Amy Anderson, Betty Sandeen, Grandma Anderson, Kristi Wold and friend, Pastor Bob, Kurt, Carla, Lexie and Kelli Karstens, Greg Kuphal, Maryanne Nelson, Tim Krohn, Steph Koep, Roger, MaryLynn, and anyone and everyone else who has stopped over. Thanks again. Also for the phone calls...

Thanks for everything, Dawn, Darrell and family.

Thursday January 17, 2002 6:05 PM CST

I have had countless conversations with people saying that Gatlin and Ashley don't have a clue as to what is going on. That is NOT true, as I have said all along! Ashley still doesn't understand quite a bit of it, other than heaven, etc. Gatlin, on the other hand, understands very well. I got a note from the counselor, and I would just like to ask that anyone having contact with them at this point, be very assertive. They are having a tough time. Gatlin worries us to a point where even the counselor is worried. He understands too much, but doesn't know how to handle it.

Chayton vomitted again. This is really getting scarey. We are hoping it is just a phase. I keep telling you that he is good, then not so good, and back and forth...I just want him to be comfortable and happy. Or at least content.

He was given a sheep skin rug this morning. These are said to be therapeutic. I would like to believe so. It took a while for him to get used to it, but now he loves it! He lays on it....so soft and fuzzy. Thanks Roger and MaryLynn!

I don't have much more to add right now. Thanks for listening. Dawn, Darrell and family.

Thursday January 17, 2002 11:49 AM CST

Have you ever felt like someone was pulling your chain? I am pretty angry right now. Chayton was doing so good, and yet again, another bad day is upon us. Chayton is extremely lethargic. I checked his temp and it was normal, but when I kiss his head, it's like kissing a sidewalk. He is soooo cold! I don't know what to think or do anymore, and Darrell is the same way.

I don't want to upset anyone, but this is really bothering us. We have a Hospice person here, and she doesn't even know what to make of it. Chayton is, all in all, resting (awake) comfortably. This is another blessing.

The kids are in counseling starting today through school. This is good because they need someone to vent to, as well. They are having big feelings for such little people. I just want them to know how loved they are, and as every day passes, a piece of us dies again...we miss our babies!

Thanks for all the support. Hoping to have better news later. Thanks again, Dawn, Darrell and family.

Wednesday January 16, 2002 9:24 PM CST

Just another quickie to let you know that Chayton is feeling much better. I gave him more fluids, IV, and he is up and bouncin' around again. Thank GOD! He really had us worried.
It's hard to know what to think when he goes through his stages like this. I am getting frustrated like crazy. I sit back and ask myself if I really think he is suffering, and being in this situation, I can't honestly answer that. I think not, because of all the fight he is putting up.
Thanks to all of you, and again, I will keep you informed. Dawn, Darrell and family.

Wednesday January 16, 2002 3:06 PM CST

Again, I am here for a "brief" update. Just after the last one, Chayton threw up all over (and all over me) several times. I have talked to a couple of different people, and I do know that if we make it to the benefit, hospice will be set up there for us. Also, the coroner will be contacted and briefed on what to do, etc. We hope this will not be needed, but it's good to know there will be support if we need it.
Chayton is still not feeling well. He has had visitors throughout the day, and continues to maintain the same fatigued, worn look about him with a beat down nature. I know it sounds awful, but it is even more painful to see it. He is still fighting. I don't think it's his time, and Darrell doesn't either. We just think it's getting closer. We dread the thought of a hooded cape, so instead we picture Jesus holding his hand with angels all around right now.
I will let you know, yet again if there are any changes. At this point, we feel he is still a fighter and most importantly a survivor! Thanks again, Dawn and Darrell and family.

Wednesday January 16, 2002 12:42 AM CST

I don't have much time here, but Chayton seems to be going downhill rather fast. I don't know if we will be able to attend the benefit, but we are still hopeful that we will be able to.

He has been awake for a total of 5 minutes today. That isn't long concidering the time. It's time to eat now, so I am going to sit down and try to get him to take something. I will keep you informed. Thanks again, Dawn, Darrell and family.

Tuesday, January 15th, 2002 3:10 pm

This is the second entry today. I am going to forwarn you that I am not going to make much sense, as things are still sinking in around here.

Chayton is still going through his spell, although he has not vomitted lately. I got the call I was so anxious to receive, but now, I think I could have waited. Dawn Niess called me back and said that they rec'd Chayton's CT at Children's and that Dr. Bendel was there to peek at it. Their conclusion is that it is not as bad as we thought, which is good, but that was more than a week ago, and now they think things have changed...for the worse. That is because of Chayton's condition today. He is having a tough day. They won't say how long we have with Chayton because he is constantly proving them wrong. But they don't think it will be a whole lot longer.

Here we are again, on the roller coaster that we never intended to ride in the first place! Darrell and I are both going through everything step by step, thinking what we can do next. The answer is nothing. We don't want to change what we have been doing, but we still don't want to give up! (*)

We are to double his Decadron and double his Methadone in hopes that it will give him more comfort. His scan revealed to them that the tumor may be getting really close to blocking off his ventricles. In that case, we wanted to have a shunt placed, but were told he wouldn't come out of the operating room alive. They had NO reason to believe he would survive. Here we are again at a catch 22! Meaning, either we have them put in a shunt to save him, because otherwise, more than likely, he will die, or do nothing because the proceedure will kill him. What do we do?!? Is there a right or wrong answer?

Dawn said he would be getting more sleepy, which he has. He is sleeping more than 80% of this day away.

Where I put the (*) above, Darrell called to me on the radio, and told me to get upstairs. I ran up there, only to find Chayton had vomitted again. This time, it was like bile. He is now on my lap and sleeping on my chest as I sit here and type this out to you. I can't imagine not having him here.

They still think he will make it to Iowa for the benefit, but other than that, there is no time frame. All I can tell you is that at this time, we remain to be hopeful and feel that we are trying everything out there.

The CT also told them that there is NOT calcium deposits in the cyst. This is not good, concidering, had it been, that would have meant the light were working at least a little, rather than no sign at all.

Also, for the first time in months, I got my naughty e-mail back up, so after receiving approx. 60+ messages, I went through and read some. I still would like to continue the yahoo.com address. It's much easier to check from anywhere.

Thanks again, and if anything new comes up, I will do my best to keep you all informed. Thanks again, Dawn, Darrell and family.

Tuesday, January 15th, 2002 10:29 am

Chayton got up this morning a little more lethargic, again, but he was happy/content. He came downstairs for a treatment on the light, just after taking oral meds. He was here for about 15 minutes, and threw up all over. He is NOT feeling well. It just breaks our hearts to have to see him get sick. It about kills us to see him go through anything out of the ordinary.

I had to call and make an appointment for Darrell to get a haircut, and just as soon as I hung up, it started...him getting sick. I don't know what this is supposed to mean, but the other day, I was told he should be okay, unless he starts to vomit. I am afraid to ask what they think this means. Hopefully it's because of the orals he just got. I won't know until I ask, but hopefully today I will get the call from the final results of the CT.

The reason it's taking so long for that is because they were sent to Children's by mail, ground mail, that is. Have you ever been kept in suspense for so long?!? I hate this. Darrell hates it, too, but he maintains very well.

I thought I would let you all know, I can't seem to get my "naughty3" e-mail open, so try to use the yahoo.com on the bottom of this page. Thanks! I just realized it when a few people said they sent e-mails that I never received, and it was because they sent them to naughty.

Other than that, I have to take a shower with my baby. (He doesn't like baths anymore). He needs to get cleaned up. I have another 15 or so minutes before his treatment is up. Darrell says it's more important for him to finish it. Darrell knows more about the light because I don't even monkey with it. I get really dehydrated rather quick. Besides, I do the dressing changes, labs (when they needed to be done), IVs, etc. This is Daddy's time to bond with Chayton, hold and rock him. Not that I would mind, but really, squat about sums up what I know about running the machine. Darrell has shown me, but I am not as comfortable with it. The thought of "blasting something to bits" scares me. What if I do it wrong and hurt Chayton?!? Darrell thinks it's impossible, but I am still leary.

Thanks for everything, especially the prayers. Thanks for including Gatlin, Ashley and Nicole in on your thoughts and prayers, as well. Dawn, Darrell and family.

Monday, January 14, 2002 9:55 am

Sorry, the time and day stamp isn't working, and neither is the counter. The last I checked, lastnight around 5:30, there were 35,011 hits to this site.

Chayton woke up this morning in pain. We gave him his pain maintainace an hour early. He fell back to sleep, and now is in my arms, checking out his site, and watching me do my thing.

If you are wondering why the photos are back to the early stages of his diagnosis, it is because the Waterloo Courier, Waterloo, Iowa, is doing a story on Chayton and they needed photos, so I put those up for right now. They will change again, probably soon. I don't know.

Gat 'n' Ash made it back to G'pa and G'ma Kraft's in Iowa safe and sound. G'pa and G'ma VanderKolk took them back so we didn't have to drive. We all miss them already.

Chayton has been more lethargic than ever today...okay, not more than ever, but he is pretty tired.

When I was uploading the photos, he pointed and said "baby" several times, then he said, "me, ow!" several more times, and laid down in my arms and whimpered a bit. I think he remembers something. The second picture, with the scratch on his face, he came out of the operating room with that! And Darrell and I were the one's that took him in there. And we stayed with him and held him until he was under...so he wouldn't be scared. And when he came back out, he was still under. We don't know the exact cause, but there has been speculation that while he was being operated on, he came to, and did it himself. I don't know if that is the case or not, but if it is, that would explain alot...as far as his reactions to things, etc.

Anyway, Chayton is ready to go back upstairs, so off we go......Dawn, Darrell and family.

Sunday, January 13, 2002 at 01:47 PM (CST)

Chayton is having a rough afternoon. He had a screaming spell, again, and would not stop no matter what we did, so I drew up a cc of morphine, Darrell gave it to him while Grandpa V. held him. It wasn't long, Chayton laid his head on G'pa's shoulder and whimpered with occasional screams. He fell asleep shortly after that.

He went down immediately for a treatment on the light. He seemed to have been in great pain, and whimpered at times while sleeping. It's heartbreaking to see him this way, or any negative way, for that matter.

I was concerned so I paged Dr. Bendel and she called right back and said that it could be one of many things, but in her opinion, without seeing him, she thought that he had a severe headache, or just that the tumor is putting pressure in new places. Something that Chayton isn't used to, therefore, making him uncomfortable and irritable. Not necessarily in pain, but it is quite possible. She said it could be giving him a "funny" sensation that he doesn't quite know how to take, yet.

When he was downstairs, it seemed in a matter of moments, the swelling in his face reduced drastically. I don't know what that means, but we are hoping that is a good thing.

The kids are getting ready to go back to Iowa with G'ma and G'pa VanderKolk today. Uncle Shawn, Aunt Mickey, Todd, Chelsea and Lee went back this morning. We had a nice weekend. It's sad to see the kids go, again, after all this time with them, but they need to get some studies in before too long, or they won't retain all they have previously learned. If something happens to Chayton, G'ma and G'pa Kraft will bring them back up here immediately! We hope that isn't the case, as we would like to make it to his benefit next weekend, with Chayton~of course!

Thanks again for all the support, we are most grateful. Thanks, also, for the e-mails, whether it be to give advice, support, or just plain get candles. Please sign the guestbook. It keeps us going. Thanks again, Dawn, Darrell, and family.

Saturday, January 12, 2002 at 05:57 PM (CST)

It's Chayton's Birthday, today! He is 20 months old! Again, proving them wrong.

We have made MANY candles today! We have changed all the names on the scents. Also, we have four new scents, too. Ashley's Embrace, Gatlin's Grace, Nicole's Sweet Nature, and Dolphin Songs. They turned out really nice. We had help. Grandma V and I worked really hard, and Kelsi and Alyssa really helped out, today. They went back and forth between hanging with Chayton and putting wicks in the candles. WOW! I had no idea how much help we could actually use in playing with Chayton. It took him a little while to warm up to the girls, but once he did, he fell in love! Thanks girls!

Darrell went to GNC today and got Shark Liver Oil and another suppliment for Chayton, and then he called the doctor in the cities to see if it was okay, and sure enough...it was! So he has already started him on them.

If anything new comes up, I will be sure to let you know. Thanks again, everyone! Dawn, Darrell and family.

Friday, January 11, 2002 at 08:37 PM (CST)

I promised I would update as soon as I heard anything. Well, in a way I have. I just talked to Dr. Bendel. She said she hasn't gotten the results of the CT yet, but she will let me know as soon as she does. If I don't hear from her tomorrow, just wait until Monday. That I will.

As far as right now, without viewing them, she said she doesn't think it's as bad as they thought it was. She said for Chayton to be as happy and comfortable as he is...he would not be if it were that bad, and furthermore, she said Chayton's tumor is not capable of growing sideways. This, to us, is great news!!!

Also, she said that she would be more than happy to give Chayton the TPN that he would need to unblock his lines. She said if it pertained to his Dilantin level, that could be important information to keep him functioning. This is also great news!!!

Grandpa and Grandma Kraft just left...Grandma and I pounded out candles like mad, today. We have new scents, and we have also changed the names of the scents. They are: Grandma's Baking (aka. Hot Apple Pie), Grandpa's Sweet Tooth (aka. Fudge Brownie), Abby's Passion (aka. Carmel Apple), Morning at the Cabin (aka. Coffee with Hazelnut), Bitter Sweet Thoughts (aka. Macintosh Apple), Angel Kisses (aka. Cotton Candy), and the new one's are: Nicole's Sweet Nature (Cucumber Melon), Gatlin's Grace (Jasmine), Ashley's Embrace (Lilac), and Dolphin Songs (Ocean). Hopefully they will all be liked. Grandpa and Grandma left and shortly after, Grandma and Grandpa VanderKolk arrived.

They said we have a lot of work to do, as they have candle orders to go out ASAP. Then, Uncle Shawn and Aunt Mickey arrived. They also have orders, so that will keep me busy until I get the call back from Dr. Bendel!

Chayton is sleeping, already. He and daddy had quite a long day, today. They went to Fairmont and discovered what they needed to. That is a VERY good thing. Hopefully, something positive will come out of all this!

Thanks to all the supporters, and for all the e-mails, and guestbook entries. We read them often, and sometimes go back to read them because they are so helpful in our moments of need.

Again, I will let you know as soon as I hear back from the doc. Unless something else comes up...Chayton's condition. Until next time, Dawn, Darrell, and family.

Friday, January 11, 2002 at 10:24 AM (CST)

Daddy is taking Chayton back to Fairmont this morning/afternoon, so his "frequency" or rather the frequency of the tumor can be established. That way, by the grace of God, we can hopefully fry this nasty thing in our baby boy's head!!! As I have said many times...we cannot give in to this monster.

We have had several visitors in the last couple days...which we are glad. People are seeing Chayton and how he is so playful, and why we are not willing to give in to this fight. There was a couple of people here lastnight that really made the night one to remember. They were from Hutchinson, and let me be the first to tell you...AWESOME is the only way to describe the conversation, as well as the way they handled Chayton. Chayton is changing for the better, in a way. He is far more receptive to new faces. He used to get so upset, but when they came, he was loving on them, laid in their arms, and let them stroke his hair. Darrell and I are rarely able to touch his head!

Ann Jutz also came to see him, yesterday. It was the first time we met, and let me tell you, the very second she told me who she was, my eyes started to well up with tears. I couldn't believe it! And Chayton and the other two were so in love with her!

I believe these people that came over are angels in a sense, and that is why Chayton is so comfortable with them. He knows! Darrell and I talked about it lastnight, and were both amazed at the response Chayton gave! That has to tell you something.

Kelsi, another one of Chayton's little fans, brought each one of the kids a gift. They love them, and we would just like to say thanks. Kelsi is a young girl, but with feelings that are bigger than most grown people! She has opened her heart to my kids, and become a friend to them through her kind words on this page.

We appreciate everyone's thoughtfulness at this time, and we are sorry if we left anyone out, but I must tell you, the people we have mentioned, we would have probably never met had it not been for Chayton's illness, and yet people that are, were rather, close to us, haven't gotten to know Chayton, or even stopped by to see him in ages. It takes a big heart to see the gift he is giving to people. We are happy that all people don't treat him as though he is contagious. He's not! But his love is!

I will call the doctor in about .25 to find out the final results of his tumor growth and post it immediately. Thanks for all the support from everywhere! Dawn, Darrell, and family.

Thursday, January 10, 2002 at 12:05 PM (CST)

I just had a nice talk with the social worker through hospice. She is going to come back in the beginning of next week to talk to Gatlin and Ashley. They will be able to "vent". They have BIG feelings for such little people.

Chayton is resting comfortabley in Daddy's arms right now. Unfortunately, he wanted Mommy to lay with them in the recliner, too, and Mommy doesn't fit. Chayton is a unique kid. He loves everyone, but picks and choses the time he is going to love each one individually, usually. He is sweet!

Last night, he scared me half to death! He was breathing...I thought eratically. I laid my head on his chest to listen, and the little stinker was SNORING! Can you believe that?!? At least he is getting restful sleep. I went up to check on the other two, again, and Gatlin was snoring, too. By the time I made it to Ashley, she was obviously dreaming. She was moving her arms and then she laid still. It wasn't long, and she, too, was snoring. And last but not least, I came back downstairs, and Daddy and Chayton were syncronized.

I am going to do some writing today. Of thoughts and memories, etc. I have to update Chayton's baby book. I have filled Gatlin's so that nothing more will fit. I have to get a new one for Ashley, but I have paper upon paper of her progress, loss of teeth, etc. And Chayton, poor Chay, I have to get going on his...I thought I would have for ever to do his...so I just have random notes jotted down on various sheets of paper, too. Time to ORGANIZE!

If we have another warm day, Gatlin and Ashley will be taking Chayton for a walk. Of course, I will be along, and maybe daddy, too...but they will be in charge of where we go and what Chayton will see. It's important for them to have that.

I don't know what else to add right now. Thanks for everything...Dawn, Darrell and family.

Wednesday, January 09, 2002 at 10:52 AM (CST)

It is with much regret that I have to bring this to you. I got a prelim. reading on Chay's CT, today. The results were not what we expected by a long shot. He was doing so good. The tumor has grown conciderably. The way the scan looked, it was as if Chayton's brain is about to be sliced horizontally in two by the mass effect of the tumor. I could be 100% wrong, but I still think there is a miracle waiting to happen.

Chay wasn't excited one bit about laying there on the CT table. He screamed the entire time. After the scan was done, I held him close and told him that we all loved him very much, and that if they said the scan was good, he would be happy one day that he lay there today. If not, I promised him that I would NEVER let anyone hurt him again. The rest of his time here, I vowed to him, would be the best time of his life! It was so strange, because I then re-itterated the promise of never letting anyone hurt him again, and he cried a moaning plea and laid his head on my shoulder and whimpered. Only for a moment did he whimper, then he was ready to go.

I talked with Dr. Matthias, and he opted not to open Chay's line. He said it would just block again, and that we should not be concerned with labs or anything like that. He said Chayton doesn't have much time, and we should spend the time we have been blessed with taking care of him and loving him. He is such a great guy! Always thinking for the patient, in a good way! Carol is the same way. They are a great team!

Darrell and I are NOT willing to let go, yet. We will fight until Chayton tells us good-bye, if that should be the case. He is the most awesome little man, I am telling you. I don't just say that because he is our son. I say that because it is the truth. We don't think even Gatlin, Ashley, or Nicole would be able to handle what he has with so much integrity, perserverance and grace. He's one of a kind.

I'm sorry, I have to go. I can hardly stand to think about it, anymore. Dawn, Darrell and family.

P.S. Do you believe in miracles? They say God helps those who help themselves...Chayton is too small so we have to help him. Maybe He will see and save our son. It's not like we aren't trying!

Tuesday, January 08, 2002 at 09:31 PM (CST)

I am just about to go off to bed. I have to get up VERY early in the morning...for me, anyway. Chayton's CT is at 7:30, and there is no food or drink from 3:30 am and on... He will not be a very happy camper. The scan won't take long, but it takes a half hour to get there, and I have to shower, and bathe him, as well as change the dressing over his med comp hickman catheter. That is time consuming, so I am figuring I should be up by 4am. And concidering I have to medicate him at 11 tonight, I will be tired. I am assuming Darrell will stay home with the other two kids so I can just go get it done and come back home and not have alot of hassle.

While Chayton is there, he will have meds put into the lines to unblock them. I still give his decadron IV, but I am unable to draw labs.

Darrell's parents stopped by today. That was nice to see them. They watched a movie, and ate supper, too. It's always nice to have family around.

Chayton, again, has had a trying day with pain, but we will see what we can do about that tomorrow. Not that we don't have the means to do anything, now, but we don't feel comfortable giving him morphine for every whim. Darrell and I have both had to take vicadin (sp) before, and neither of us liked the effects, and can only imagine how awful morphine can make you feel. The disoriented feeling that nobody likes.

I asked again tonight if it were normal for a child who was dying to be so happy, playful and loving. I was told that yes, at times, it is. Not everyone is that way, though, so cherish every moment...which we have been. It's just so hard.

I can hardly stand the thought of losing any one of our children. My Gatlin, my Ashley, my Chayton...they all deserve better than to have to live this nightmare! It about kills me every other night when I tuck the kids in. Gatlin always says something to make me leave his room in tears, and Ashley always says something to make me feel a little better. Gatlin is so uncomfortable with the thought of losing his only brother, and Ashley is so comfortable with the fact that Jesus will be taking good care of him...better than we can do here. They both make me cry, but they are both dealing with it in such different ways. Gatlin wants us to start over and give him another chance. (I sure wish we could) And Ashley just wants Chayton to be happy.

I was just commenting today, again, how we were lucky in one way, so far, as far as this whole thing goes...at least our child wasn't kidnapped. We know where each one of them is at all times. I would die, literally, I think, if one of them disappeared.

We were also talking about Darrell feeling so awful that we took him to the tractor pulls. When he says he will never be able to get that out of his head, I have no doubt he will feel guilty until the day he dies! I wish there were something I could say to change that, but as I've said before, there is nothing I can say because I have tried, and I carry alot of guilty feelings, too, so whatever I try to say, he can just toss back at me, and it doesn't seem to help the situation. Think of all the times you have turned up the radio with a child, not thinking anything of it. Think of every time you washed your baby's hair in the bathtub, laying them down so they could hear the water in their ears. Think of every time you couldn't comfort them in the night when they would cry and all you could give them was your love and maybe a little tylenol. Now imagine being told your baby has a tumor in his/her brain that is about the size of a small orange. They have to have an operation that may take their fragile little life, and when the surgery is done, all you can do is look at them. You can't touch them, you can't talk to them....you can't even whisper. And now look back and think of all the signs you may have seen...the way they walked, that you didn't think was normal, but you let everyone else convince you that it was okay, that they cried in the bath from one point on, when they used to love it...there are so many. That's what tears my heart to shreds. Maybe there was nothing that I could have done, but I will never know, because I ignored things. Not intentionally, yet then again, intentionally. I let others decide for me that he was fine. I have to live with that!

No matter what happens, our lives will be forever changed. There is nothing that will ever be the same. Our children, our marraige, our thoughts, our worries and fears, our friends, our everything...down to even meals! I don't know how to describe things any better than that.

I am sorry for reminiscing the ugliness that this monster created for us. We feel like we are dying inside and there is nothing to take away that pain, yet, we are so happy at times, because the kids make us that way. Thank God for blessings!!!! At least we can say we knew him...VERY WELL! And he and his siblings are the COOLEST kids we have ever known in a crisis situation. Not that others aren't, but we don't see them as close up.

Thanks for all the support and prayers. They do not go unnoticed. Dawn, Darrell, Gatlin, Ashley, Nicole and Chayton Hunter Anderson.

Tuesday, January 08, 2002 at 02:10 PM (CST)

I have news!!! I don't know if it will be good or bad, but today I will scedule the CT scan in Hutchinson. Okay, that's all the news.

I suppose you would like to all know more about what is going on and where he is with treatment. Well, the beam ray that he is on is hopefully doing something good. And if that is the case, we will start him back on the antineoplastons for treatment as well. The beam ray only enhances what the antineoplastons do. At this point, we are praying that he has already been touched by the miracle we are all praying for! It is possible!

He is still on decadron for the swelling, methadone for pain (on a regular basis), morphine (oral), morphine (supository), and valium (supository) as needed. He is also on dilantin to reduce the risk of siezures, and bactrim antibiotics.

Chayton ate soup for dinner, and cleaned the bowl! He must have been kinda hungry. He hasn't eaten like that in a while!

Last night, Chayton got one cc of morphine for pain, and has had no issues since. I hope it continues that way...no morphine.

I don't have much more to say right now. Have to get some candles made, and also the hospice nurse is coming over, today.

Thank you all for the support we have been receiving. It means alot! Dawn, Darrell, Gatlin, Ashley, Nicole and Chayton Hunter Anderson.

Monday, January 07, 2002 at 05:38 PM (CST)

Chayton is experiencing a little pain, now. He is in and out of crying stages, but for now, we are going to see if they subside within the next half hour or so. If they get worse, he will definately be getting morphine. He hasn't had any for at least 3 days, though.

Nicole was here, today, as you could see. Chayton was down here with the two of us, and he is so funny! He wanted her to pick him up, and I just said, you sure are a sister's boy, aren't you. He shook his head saying yes for about 20 seconds. Big yes, too. No little nod.

When he was in a crying spell, nobody could look at him. Ashley got kinda close, and he screamed. I just told her to try to stay away from him because although he doesn't want to hurt her feelings, he is a little bucky right now. Chayton stopped screaming, looked at Ash, shook his head yes, and said, "bucky!" She didn't know what to think.

Gatlin made a comment last night that really caught us off-guard. He said, "maybe Chay isn't dying, maybe we just need to love him more!" WOW! Coming from such a little man, what to think of a statement like that. I asked the kids if they thought we didn't love them enough, and they both said we loved them lots, and they were happy with that. Talk about heart wrenching...to think your kids think you don't love them enough. Thank God that wasn't the case.

I have made an observation, today. Chayton hasn't been eating today like he had been in the past. It seems as though pretzels aren't even doing the trick. He has eaten, don't get me wrong, but for breakfast, he had a muffin, and I gave him 5 little smokies. He ate 3/4 of the muffin and 1 little smokie. He has had a total of about 5 pretzels all day, and for dinner, he ate about a tablespoon at most of meat. It's like his appetite has diminished down to merely morsels. At least he is still eating, though. I really worry about him, now. Thinking that maybe our dream isn't going to come true. The one where we see all of our children grow up and become the wonderful people all parents dream their children to be.

I honestly am caught in limbo. I don't know if our baby is going to beat this thing, or I am in denial about his prognosis. I can hardly imagine living without him. Please, where is the answer. There are so many things that he is going through that are classic text book symptoms of the dying process, but again, I have never seen anyone so happy, and trying to fight so hard while they were actually dying. Maybe Chayton is special that way, too. I know he is special, but I mean in the sense that he isn't going to allow this THING to make him suffer. I don't have the answers, although, I sure wish I did.

There really isn't much more to say right now. I just pray that our baby isn't going to go soon. Just give us more time! That's all we ask. I have made a few more videos of Chay, and wish I could have a camera on, non stop. Unfortunately, I am always the one behind it, and it really wears a person down...more than you think. And I would like to have some more footage of me with him. Oh well. I will take what I can get at this point. I love him just the same! Dawn, Darrell and family.

Oh, I almost forgot, Darrell found something on the internet that really has both of us concerned. It said that MRI's and CT's and X-RAY's cause cancer cells to grow. I reduced my fear after talking to Lisa, Michael's mommy, and I was just wondering if anyone out there has heard the same thing. Darrell is really concerned. I told him I would call the doc and find out, but at this point, he doesn't know if he wants Chayton to have the CT scan this week. Thanks.

Monday, January 07, 2002 at 12:31 PM (CST)

Hi this is Chayton's big sister Nicole.Dawn had asked me to update; so He is getting a light treatment now and had fun this morning with his puppy playing with Dawn and me. Dad was still sleeping. I test-tasted dinner to see if it was good so Chay would eat well. Ashley and Gatlin got up to early this morning and are getting to be naughty! But they both did the dishes for Dawn without asking and they did a very good job. I was very proud that they could do the dishes by themselves and they put them away too.That's cool!! That is probably all for now and Dawn will probably update later
~Love Always~
Darrell,Dawn,Nicole,Ashley,Gatlin,and family

Sunday, January 06, 2002 at 06:10 PM (CST)

It's been a pretty hectic day. Chayton is doing good, and so are the rest of our family members. Chayton had his Grandma and Grandpa VanderKolk and his Grandma and Grandpa Anderson here to see him, today. Grandma and Grandpa Kraft will be back up again tomorrow. He is loved! (And the little shaver knows it!)

Chayton has a thing for pretzels, as you know. Yesterday, Chayton knew he had his limit of pretzels early on. So instead of taking his cup to mommy or daddy, he took it right over to Grandpa...more than once. I told my step-dad that the entire time, I could almost read Chayton's mind and all he was thinking was, "SUCKER!!!" He knows he has it made. Then, after about the third time, no kidding, he handed Grandpa the cup and started bouncing up and down, the "pick me up" dance. Grandpa laughed and made Chayton walk. He didn't care. He was about to get pretzels! Why would he care?!?

Gatlin and Ashley played with him today and had him just rolling. Then, we were all downstairs, and Grandma Anderson never heard Chayton's laugh on my computer, so I played it for her. It's true...laughter is contageous! He laughed and pointed at the computer, looking back at daddy the entire time with a big smile and look on his face saying, "daddy, that's me! Listen...can you hear it? FUNNY!"

A couple friends, Diane and Kim were also here today to see Chayton. Unfortunately, they are so much fun, Chay could hardly handle it, so he napped. Then Kyle, the neighbor kid, came over and Chayton HAD to sit right next to him, and of course, eat pretzels!

I can't hardly believe that the medical professionals think he is going to go. They may be right, but at this point, he sure doesn't seem to us like he's ready. That's for sure!

Thanks for all the support and prayers. I think something is working...maybe that's it. Maybe God has heard at least one prayer for him to live, and be cured and He's working on that! Oh, it just about kills me. The not knowing what's going on. Anyway, thanks for everything. Dawn, Darrell, Gatlin, Ashley, Nicole and Chayton Hunter Anderson.

P.S. Chayton's second birthday falls on Mother's Day this year. Please pray that we have him at least that long. Then after that, we will pray to have him here for Daddy's birthday in September. Then Christmas, then Grandpa Kraft's birthday again, then his third birthday, then......
(It's worth a try!!!)

Saturday, January 05, 2002 at 02:28 PM (CST)

Chayton found a new pair of shoes today that he likes VERY MUCH!!! They were Gatlin's at one point, and Dominic's before that. They are loafers...like dress shoes. He likes them alot and won't let us remove them from his feet. Whatever makes him happy.

For breakfast, he ate another 2 pieces of lasagna, and for dinner, again another. The kid has his cravings, and the next time you turn around, there is nothing that will satisfy him. Although, pretzels remain to be a favorite, no matter what the time of day.

Gatlin and Ashley are playing with playdough at the kitchen table and they are doing so rather nicely! I am amazed. Usually, there is lots of yelling and debating that goes with playdough around here. (Which is okay, too. They learn how to handle situations as most siblings do.)

Chayton rested for quite a long time today. He is still out of it. Sometimes I think he just sleeps to get away from our trying to make him smile all the time.

I look at him when he sleeps, and sometimes even when he is awake, and I envy him so much. He is the strongest man I know. He may be a little one, but in our eyes, he is a man! He has endured more than even a grown man could do with such dignity. Chayton is a hero to us in many ways. One, that he keeps our boats all afloat!

He has been experiencing little pain, today. Hopefully, that will again subside in about a half hour when he gets meds, again.

I don't have much more to add right now, but as the day progressed, and things change, I will try to keep you all informed. I have to type out the words to the book that I had mentioned the other day, too. The Next Place. Trust me, it is for the young, and not so young. Everyone can benefit from this book.

Thanks again, Dawn, Darrell and family.

Friday, January 04, 2002 at 06:15 PM (CST)

Just thought I would do another quick update to let you know the day's events.

Tonight we had lasagna for supper to celebrate Grandpa Kraft's birthday. (He will be 21 again tomorrow for like the millionth time...okay, not really, but just had to throw in a bit of humor, for his sake.) Chayton ate an entire plate full! He just loved it! After that we had DQ ice cream cake. He wouldn't even try that. He touched daddy's and it must've been way too cold. At any rate, we are pleased that his appetite was awesome at supper time.

Gwen came back from Hospice today. (I am shocked, and she is brave!) Actually, things went well, and we decided to sign up with her. She is really a great person. I don't know how I feel about the system yet, though. I guess time will tell. I feel bad for her because I can be difficult at times, when it comes to ill children. Especially mine! I think Hospice can be beneficial. She said they could come over and spend time with Chayton just so I can get some cleaning done and make some candles. That will be ever-so helpful. (I re-arrange alot). A trait I had in the past, and re-developed since being here and having my kids in one specific daycare...hmmm...who could that be? :)

The kids are really worn out tonight for some reason. They are asking to go to bed now. I don't know how they got so wore out, but we are blessed for a bit of sanity in the evening. Our house gets to be a mad house when Chayton is feeling and doing well. Which is good, but sometimes a break in the wave is nice.

I was reading a book today from Hospice that describes the dying process for the patient. I don't know if that fits here or not. Chayton is really strong and unique. I have a feeling he is going to go out in style and with much grace, if he has to go.

Darrell and I would like to let you all know that if anyone would like to stop by and see Chayton for a couple minutes, that would be fine, as long as you aren't ill or have a cold. (We don't want to risk his well-being.) Hopefully, late mornings and early afternoons, we will be seeing more faces to make him smile. We want him to know how loved he is, and have him enjoy his time in this life to it's fullest.

Thanks to all, have a good evening. I'm sure we will. Darrell's will consist of catering to the rest of us, and mine will consist of putting Clifford shoes on and taking them off, repeatedly, over and over and over and over and over again. It's a good workout. I don't know if it has anything to do in a cardiovascular sense or not, but who cares?!? Whatever will make him happy. Oh, I was kidding about daddy catering to the rest of us. He does what he wants, otherwise, every person for themself! Hugs, Dawn, Darrell and family. :)

Friday, January 04, 2002 at 12:27 PM (CST)

Uncle Jerome and Aunt Shaun stopped by last night to see Chayton, and just to give you an idea, he kept giving them five and smiling like mad! He is also having a good day today. The good days come and go, but we cherish them all...good and bad. He's still here with us!

Sometimes the bad days are really scarey, but all in all, he's awesome! He just was crabbin' pretty bad, and then fell asleep in my arms, then I moved and that was all she wrote. But he's still smilin':)

Hospice is coming back today, we will then fill out papers and get it started. I did another test call today, and again was left with discomfort. It took more than an hour for anyone to call back, and I said it was urgent. The plan is, when they are in the area, fine. Otherwise, Jenny O' said she would be more than happy to help us out, and we will be utilizing that help, I am sure, more than Hospice, as she is quick to respond. In any case, we are grateful for all the help there is. And another thing we have to get started is more extensive therapy for the kids. We are sure we will probably need someone to talk to, too, but they are far more important!!!!!!

I don't even want to think like that right now. Chayton is playful, crabby, and most importantly...ALIVE!!! Other than what I have already written, I haven't much more to say. Thanks for the support, as it is much needed and appreciated. Dawn, Darrell, and family.

Thursday, January 03, 2002 at 05:45 PM (CST)

We just got home from town. We didn't get Chayton's labs done because his central lines were both blocked, and they would have had to poke him to get them, so I refused. I didn't think he needed them badly enough to be poked on anymore. He has been through enough.

Other than that, he laughed all day today. He is such a happy little fart! He played and giggled as much as he could, actually more than he has in at least a month or so. I was so proud of him.

We stopped into a store today, and the guy behind the counter was like, Is he just learning to walk. I said, no, he has a brain tumor that doesn't let him get by with doing the things he used to do. The guy felt so awful, and apologized over and over. I just told him not to worry about it, we still love him just the same, and to us, he is still 100%. I think that eased his mind.

I realized I had a physical today, only after we arrived at the clinic. I honestly don't remember what time, but I didn't care, because obviously, I missed it. And come to think of it...I forgot to reschedule, too. Oh well...I'm pretty forgetful, lately. I guess with good reason.

Gatlin, Ashley, Chayton and Nicole played this morning and early afternoon. They all seemed to have a good time. That's nice when they can all get along and not fight all the time. Nicole is EXTREMELY tolerant of her younger siblings, too. Blessed are we, yet again.

Pastor Bob called and is coming over again so we will have a little more comfort coming our way. It's always nice to receive spiritual guidance! Speaking of guidance, thanks to Pastor Kevin for the great advise to take the day for ourselves. That's what we did so far, and plan to continue that through the night.

Thanks for all the support. Don't forget the guestbook! It also helps us, to know we aren't solo. Also, there is a link to the rhabdoid kids page at the bottom of this page. It's an awesome site, but can make the tears flow. Instead of a movie for a good cry, just visit the angel page. You will see how strong and determined those little people are! Dawn, Darrell and family.

Wednesday, January 02, 2002 at 08:55 PM (CST)

Chayton isn't able to walk right now...he is extremely wobbley. He tries, though...give him credit for that. He couldn't go to the bathroom earlier, so we gave him Senacot, and then right after that, an angel in disguise came over and told us he needed an enema. Within moments, he went. He was clogged. Not now, though. It's great to see him with the ability to get comfortable again.

The Hospice nurse came out today. I still have mixed feelings. Maybe that will be worked out tomorrow when she comes back.

Chayton will be getting another CT scan done next week, due to our request. We feel that it will make us more comfortable to know what is happening to the tumor and to be sure that if anything is happening either way, or not at all, we can get our back up plans in motion, whatever they may be.

Mary O. came from school to see the kids today. That was great, they loved seeing her. She is awesome and has had some of the best advise, yet! She brought a book along that we read to the kids, and it has sparked many questions. We will continue to read it, until the questions have dwindled to a point of understanding. Hopefully that will happen!

I don't know what else to say right now. We hope everyone out there in the rest of the world is safe and doing well, and also that we have good news to report tomorrow. Chayton's labs are getting done, again, for the first time in almost a week. Dawn, Darrell and kids.

Wednesday, January 02, 2002 at 09:13 AM (CST)

The first thing I would like to say is that while I appreciate everyone thinking of Chayton at this time, and our family, I cannot take all the credit for the strength. I have a wonderful husband, and in our eyes, he is one of the top fathers in this world, and THE BEST father for our kids! He has been so strong and has really been taking turns keeping this family together. Without him, I would have cracked a long time ago. I just want everyone to know that Darrell is an awesome person, and he has also made many sacrifices for Chayton and the rest of the family. Darrell has been home since this happened, not working, helping take care of the household, and loving his family all he can. I can go on and on about how great he is...but we all know how modest he can be. It may embarrass him. (I still want everyone to know, though, that without him, the whole situation would be even harder. I love my husband and the kids love their daddy. Isn't he wonderful?!? Hats off to everyone in this family, because we are like a puzzle. Without one piece, we wouldn't be complete.

Chayton needed morphine again last night. He is having a reaction to it. He rubs his nose, and he REALLY gets the munchies. We don't know what the munchies thing is about...didn't know morphine did that, but he ate pretzels like they were going out of style, and he couldn't eat them fast enough.

I got really scared lastnight and had Darrell go get my stethescope. I couldn't listen, because I was way to petrified. Darrell listened and said Chayton's heart was strong. We were worried because his breathing was erratic. Then I listened, and thought the same thing. Shortly after that, Chayton was breathing normal, again.

He slept well last night, and cuddled up to me all night. He would rub his little head on my lips and I would kiss him. Then I would kinda wake up enough to open my eyes, and he was still asleep. He is so sweet.

We talked to Dr. Matthias today. We asked that we actually talk to a radiologist to learn more about what is going on. Hopefully, they were wrong. And we are going to ask that we get another CT scan soon. Dr. Matthias saw the scan, and it didn't seem like he was all too concerned until I told him what we were told at Children's. Hopefully, we will see a miracle!

I would like to leave you with a poem our friend, Colleen, wrote for Chayton...
CHAYTON HUNTER ANDERSON

Some people are put on this earth to guide us...
to show us the direction we should follow.
Some people are put on this earth to comfort us...
to show us how to handle adversity.
Some people are put on this earth to soften us...
to show us how to feel.
Some people are put on this earth to inspire us...to show us how to live.
Some people are put on this earth to strengthen us...to show us how to persevere.
Some people are put on this earth to warm us...to show us how to love.
Some people are put on this earth to teach us...to show us how to help others.
Some people are put on this earth to suffer...to show us how to just be human.
Chayton, you are one of those special people who was put on this earth to show us all of these.
Chayton, you are and Angel on Earth!!!
Love, Colleen

I just had to share that. It makes me feel a little better, but sometimes reading it is painful.

In 2 more days, it will be a week from the time they told us Chayton was dying. They said at first that he had hours to a month at most. Then we were told that if he was in top notch condition, he wouldn't survive more than three weeks. Watch as he proves them wrong, yet again!

Thanks again, Dawn, Darrell, Gatlin, Ashley, Nicole and Chayton Hunter Anderson

Tuesday, January 01, 2002 at 11:01 AM (CST)

Today is a beautiful day! The first of the year, and here we are, playing with Chayton and his brother and sister. He seems to be doing well. Thank you Lord, for letting us keep him another day!

Only Chayton's maternal grandparents are here with us, now. Things are simmering down a bit. Chayton is the entertainment around here. He seems as though nothing is wrong. Hopefully we are in the midst of receiving a miracle.

Chayton ate like Daddy last night. He had a large piece of pizza, same size as daddy, and he ate the entire thing, in the same amount of time it took daddy to eat his. The sweet boy amazes us every single day! He ate sausage for breakfast like it was going out of style.

We are praying for a couple things. We are praying that we can keep Chayton, first of all, and secondly, if we have to let him go, he makes it past the fifth of January. That is Grandpa Kraft's birthday, and it would absolutely be the most horrible thing to lose him on that day, or before...or after...it would be horrible to lose him, period.

Ashley woke up this morning in such a good mood, because Chayton is still here and it's 2002! She loves it! (Her words).

Gatlin had a tough night, and slept with Daddy. He had growing pains for quite a bit of the night. Those are no fun, daddy says. But when Gatlin woke up this morning, and peeled his way out from under Daddy's armpit, he looked up and saw Chayton and was also really excited.

Nicole had to leave yesterday so she could go to work, but called to see how he was doing as soon as she got home. She seemed pleased with his condition, so today she will be really excited to hear that he is doing even better, and he's still here with us.

Chayton cuddled with me all night long. A couple times I woke up to him looking into my eyes, or at my face, touching my neck or cheek. Strange, I thought, but also comforting. He was so excited this morning when he saw Grandpa VanderKolk. Chayton loves his grandparents and lets them know he loves them.

Sometimes he gets a little anti social, and it's hard on everyone because he screams if you so much as look at him. In a way, I think that's a normal kid thing. Not wanting to be looked at.

Nobody from Hospice has shown up yet, and there was supposed to be someone here yesterday. Maybe because of the holiday time, it didn't happen. I don't know. We were supposed to be briefed. I think we are going to check it out and see if we like it.

That's all I have for now, so if anything else comes up, we will be sure to keep you informed. Dawn, Darrell, and family.

Monday, December 31, 2001 at 03:09 PM (CST)

Hi! Me, again. Chayton is under the Beam Ray right now. Darrell and I have both noticed that he seems to be feeling better. Maybe it's just us, or something good is happening. We don't know. We do know that Chayton deserves something good to happen.

I spoke with Dr. Jurida today, out in TX. He was curious as to what is happening. He also thinks that we should keep Chayton on treatments for as long as we can, and since he was unable to handle the six doses a day, he thought we should give him ninety-six doses a day. That would mean that he would always be hooked up, but he should be able to tolerate it much better. I asked Darrell what he thought, because I know that neither of us want him to suffer, nor be miserable, and it seems that towards the end of the treatment, he was miserable more than not.

I couldn't decide what to do, so I asked Darrell. He didn't know. I told him that because I didn't know and he didn't know, I don't want to pressure him, but we don't have to do anything until he decides, and that whatever he decides, I will be behind him 100%. He didn't know, so he asked John and my dad for opinions. They didn't want to say anything, because they both felt that we have already dealt with enough, and that if they would have conflicting opinions, that would only make it worse. John did, however, make an observation known to us. And looking back, he is right. Chayton cries, and yet, has no tears. He goes through the motions, and even the redness of the eyes, but still, no tears. The antineoplaston treatment dehydrates one's body if you don't drink plenty of clear fluids, and that is one thing Chayton has against him, you will definately dehydrate. (He's a cowboy...loves milk).

Darrell's final decision, after thinking and talking to different sources here, is that we will hold off on the treatment. The reasons he gave for this is because on it, Chayton is miserable, and he would never be off. He is not to have caffeine, salt, or sugar. The only things we can get him to eat are pretzels, pizza, and sausage. All of which are loaded with salt! And his determining factor was that the treatment makes the tumor swell so it can be broken apart...and if it swells, it could take him away from us, much faster than if we were to do nothing.

As I said, I support his decision, 100%! He was the better person for the process. My head was about to burst, even explaining to him what Doc said. I have to call doc back yet, and I was thinking I would wait until morning. He said we could do one of two things. Either fight like we have been, or sit back and watch him die. The only thing I said is that if he has to go, he will go with dignity, knowing he faught it until the end, and if that means on treatment or off, either way, we all have to be proud of his strength.

We have a book here that we have been reading to the kids, and several people have brought it up. It is called, The Next Place. Chayton's Aunt Shaun and Uncle Jerome gave that to us a long time ago, and it is SOOOOOOO helpful. I suggest, as others have, everyone who has children, get it for them, whether you are in our situation, or not! I will type the pages on here, maybe tomorrow, and you will see why. Thanks to them for the book. It has not only helped the kids, it helps us adults get a different perspective on death if we need it.

Speaking of that, I talked to my brother, Matt, and sister-in-law, Sharon, today, and Matt was telling me that I should try to look for the positives on death. I was blinded and couldn't see any. I have a slight change in that opinion, right now, but I don't know how long it will stay that way. He is a blessing, and we want to keep him. Anything, we will do, to keep him!

I am not going to be selfish and keep all the newest pictures to myself, I am going to update the photo page and then I am going to spend time with my husband, as the kids are content. Dawn, Darrell, and family.

Monday, December 31, 2001 at 09:45 AM (CST)

First and foremost, we are thankful to see all the support in the guestbook. Even from people we haven't ever talked to, or talked to for a LONG time. It's comforting to know people care about Chayton.

Darrell's sister, Denise, is here, and the majority of my family is still here. Thank God we have the support here with us.

We haven't given up, yet. Chayton is still on treatment...with the beam ray light. It's all we have left. We just started today. It was his second dose. The first one was the day we found out for sure about his condition, just before we left for Children's.

Gatlin is feeling better, now. Daddy and he had a talk last night, and I don't know what was all involved, but I do know that Daddy is awesome, because Gatlin is talking more, now. Ashley is telling everyone Chayton is going to die, and Gatlin is telling everyone that we will know when he comes home because he will leave his toys laying out, or something crazy like that.

Last night was a tough night, but Chayton is doing well. He knows he is loved. I sleep with him every night, and last night, he was pretty wild. (I swear, he clotheslined me about 10 times!) He woke up this morning in a playful mood, until he saw the meds coming. Then he was pretty mad at Daddy and Uncle John for a while. (They gave them to him.)

Dominic and Colton, Chayton's cousins, are also taking this well. They don't seem to be in too much distress, at this point. I think their main goal is to keep all of my kids happy. The love cousins have for eachother is amazing sometimes...even when they fight like siblings!

Ashley is doing much better than I thought she would be doing. She gets emotional, but the majority of the time, I think it's because she is not getting enough sleep. Not that she's overly worried, we just haven't been making them go to bed at a set time, lately.

Gotta go, work to be done around here. Thanks for everything. Dawn, Darrell, and family.

Sunday, December 30, 2001 at 01:57 PM (CST)

Today was a good day in the beginning. My entire family, except my step-dad, was here. He would have been, but the city of Waverly counts on him for the labs...and unfortunately, he had to work. He will be here soon, though.

Chayton's sister, Nicole, also came to see Chayton, today. The kids were sooooo excited to see her. She is doing very good, and seems to be taking all this with Chayton well, and we are proud of her. Her mom is helpful in helping her understand what is going on, when we have everything else going on.

Many of us spent many hours last night reminiscing Chayton's beautiful life. He is awesome, and we all know it! And so does he.

However, this afternoon was not so good. Chayton had a spell where he was SCREAMING uncontrollably. Only an hour and a half prior, we gave him morphine. We had to give him Decadron, and more morphine...and were just about to give him valium to take the edge off, only he calmed down and went to sleep. There was a REALLY big scare there for moments, because Chayton kinda gurgled, and quit screaming, looked at me with a straight face, and wasn't breathing. Then he started screaming again. (Big sigh) I didn't know what to think at that point. I didn't think it was time. Thank GOD it wasn't.

As soon as I was done medicating him, is when he quit crying, and faded off into sleep. I stayed as calm as I possibly could, and when I was done, Grandma took him and started rocking him, and I made it to the kitchen before the out of control tears started to come. I ran downstairs and cried.

I remember looking up, and Jill and my step mom were crying, but my mother was so strong. She was in check, big time. I also looked over, and Gatlin was on the couch with a big pillow over his head, trying to block the sound of Chayton's screams, and he gave me a look like, "Mommy, do something and make him stop hurting, but don't let him go!" That's when I started feeling emotional, so I had to look away until I was done. I did ask my mom to check on him, and she did, but Gatlin just turned away, and said he was okay. He is such a wonderful little man, to not want anyone to worry about him, but we do, and that's just the way it is.

Darrell was downstairs, and that may have been a blessing, because the further this progresses, the harder it is for him.

We are all carrying guilt right now. Darrell feels bad that we took him to the tractor pulls before we knew. I do, too. How must it have felt for him?!? They were so loud. Darrell can't seem to get that out of his head, though.

I feel bad because I am his mommy, and I carried him. What if I had done something wrong, and that is why this happened to Chayton. I worked, long and hard while I was pregnant. Also, when he was born, I worked in the hospital, and everyday after that. I had to. But I should have been spending that time with him. I feel so awful. There is absolutely nothing I can do to change it. While I was pregnant, I was around loud noises, too. Darrell took down a wall in our house, and added a new room. And I was close to the noise, sometimes. The stress was astronamical. Also, I was told I would never be able to have children, my body wouldn't handle it. I almost lost Gatlin, and the pregnancy was hard, and Gatlin was born without the vetibral arch, and also could have died. Then I had Chayton, and look. Maybe that's God's way of saying only one blessing at a time.

Darrell and I both have other reasons, and deep down, we know it's not our fault, but it really is hard to not think that way.

We are fortunate to have the comfort that surrounds us, though. We are blessed already, that way. Thank you all, and as I have said, we will try to keep you updated as often as I can. I need to get upstairs with my family, now. Thanks for listening. Dawn, Darrell and family.

P.S. Nicole lives in Lafayette, and if you know who she is, she needs emotional support, too, so if you ever see her, a big warm hug would be nice.

Saturday, December 29, 2001 at 11:54 PM (CST)

Hey all, this is Chayton's Godmother & Aunt Missy. Dawn wanted me to do a quick update for her. As of right now, Chayton is comfortable and sleeping peacefully. Dawn's family is all here hoping there is SOMETHING we could all do...to help...in some way...we're all still praying. Thank you everyone for all your support and comforting words, it all helps so much.
Tonight I was holding Chay, he was eating pretzels and drinking strawberry milk...I guess I can't see anything past this.
God Bless All.

Saturday, December 29, 2001 at 09:22 AM (CST)

My sincere apologies for not updating when we got home last night. We were in no shape to write anything. It was a time for memories to flow in, apparently, and they did!

While we were at the doctor, we were advised to try Hospice care. Darrell is comfortable with it, I however, am undecided, due to an experience with another nurse. Plus, when I gave birth to him, I made a vow to take care of him, no matter what it took. I intent to maintain that vow. I need more info on Hospice, so they are coming out Monday. The doctor says it may be hours to a month, nothing can be said about time, because as humans, we can only speculate.

The beginning of the meeting went much better than the end. In the beginning, we still had the hope that Chayton could survive, but by the end of the meeting, Linda...who is absolutely wonderful in this situation, told us that after reviewing Chay's last CT scan, her hope changed. Chayton is already in the herniating process and his tiny little body is starting the dying process. She told us there would be ups and downs, but a miracle is all we have left, and they aren't given to everyone. He could turn around, but at this point, we don't know if that is going to happen.

We were asked to agree to a DNR. It's a form that says Do Not Resuscitate (sp). (Forgive me, my spelling is awful this morning.) I had such a difficult time with that because knowing CPR, how can I just let him go?!? Then Darrell and her explained that it would take him anyway, if that is God's will. The fear is astronomical right now.

The kids were briefed last night, and Ashley is taking it okay, but we worry alot about Gatlin. He doesn't seem to want to give up, which is good...fighting! We worry though, because the first thing he said was that he needed to get upstairs and build something to kill the tumor, and Chayton would be free again. Ashley was more interested in heaven, which was great. The kids know alot because that has always been important to our family.

We brought Chayton home on Morphine and we have valuim, morphine (oral), morphine (supository), and another oral drug just a tad weaker than morphine. Eventually, we will re-evaluate what is going on and decide what to have him on at that point.

Chayton is a brand new boy this morning. We were advised this would happen. (Ups and downs). He is playful, giggley, happy, and full of conversation. He has also started eating and drinking, again. This is great.

Carla, one of my best friends from childhood, came up here last night to be with Darrell and I. How comforting, and at the time, I thought I was going to be so antisocial, but we actually had a good time. My relatives are flowing in bit by bit, and Darrell's sister, Denise is here, too.

I just received an e-mail from my sister-in-law Missy, and it was one of the best...the best yet! (It made me cry lots and lots.) I will post it sometime when I have more of not much to do.

Right now, we are waiting for phone calls from Chayton's doctors, and I have to go enjoy my son, so I don't resent this page later. Thanks for everything from all of us here! Dawn, Darrell, Gatlin, Ashley, and Chayton Hunter Anderson:)

P.S. Thanks especially for the support in the guestbook and on my e-mail. It helps. And to Johnny's family, THANK YOU! We needed that comfort!

Friday, December 28, 2001 at 08:41 AM (CST)

Last night was long. We were up talking to the doctor in Minneapolis until late. I asked one mommy what she thought was going on with Chayton, she told me what she thought, and put me in touch with another mommy. (They both have rhabdoid children. One cured, and one an angel.) We value their thoughts and opinions, and as it turns out, everything they told us, is what the doctor seems to think as well.

The end result of all the talking, is that we have to go the Children's today to get things in order. The majority feel that Chayton is in the final stages. Meaning that this is going to be the end. The doctor said he may last a month, but more than likely, only days. We are not ready for this. We really don't think we can go on without him.

We pulled the kids out of bed last night to play with Chayton and kiss him, and tell them how much they love him. They did that for about 2 hours. They don't know all of what is going on right now, and until the doctor looks at him and confirms it, we are not ready to tell them that their brother is not going to be here for his second birthday, or that he won't be here to make them laugh anymore. Only in their hearts and minds. (We do believe he will come home to play, and comfort us.)

We are still not giving up. We have tried almost everything out there to help him. Unfortunately, it was still not enough. If we can do something more, soon, maybe there will still be a chance.

The explainations we got on Chayton's behavior were as follows: Chayton can't talk because the tumor is putting pressure on his speach area of the brain. The reason he doesn't cry out in pain is because it has blocked the pain sensor as well. When he stared off into space, it is quite possible that Chayton has suffered from mini strokes in the last couple days. Also, he can't hold anything down because the tumor will not allow it.

This morning, however, Chayton is closer to being his normal self. He has whimpered at Ashley for getting too close, and has drank a little strawberry milk and kept it down. He seems to be more alert, too. This just makes it more difficult to believe. The pain thing is a blessing, but what if something snaps and he has severe pain in a matter of seconds, which we know has happened and could happen to Chayton.

The fear floating around in this household is unbelievable. Not the fear of what will happen once he passes, if that is how it has to be, but the fear of what to expect on our end.

When Chayton is down, I sing, "You are my sunshine", and that seems to bring his spirit back. Gatlin and Ashley have been singing him play songs, about how to be nice and play together. They are so good!

Gatlin still thinks he can save him, which is wonderful, but, if Chayton doesn't survive, what is that going to do to him? We know we have to be honest with them about what is going on, but when we aren't 100% ready to believe it ourselves, what are we to do?!?

I may be here later to update again. We are to go to the hospital and talk about whether we want him there, or at home, or to have Hospice care help, etc. We have been talking, and at this point, we want what's best for Chayton, it's just that we don't know what it is.

I was asked last night what I would do if Chayton stopped breathing, and I said I would give him CPR. I was told that would not be a good idea. That it would make Chayton's passing traumatic, and it would only prolong his suffering. How can we just sit there?!?

Also, we were told that he would probably go from herniation. Meaning that his brain would herniate through his skull. What will happen is that Chayton will arch his back, and put his shoulders back and stop breathing, because it stops the breathing. This can take anywhere from seconds to hours. Our only hope now is that if it is time, and Chayton has to go, it's quick and merciful. We don't want him to suffer for a single second.

Nothing more to say, now. Thanks for letting us express our thoughts and feelings. Dawn, Darrell and family.

The link to the rhabdoid kids page and angel kids page is http://www.geocities.com/hollywood/2587/michael/rhabdoidkids.htm

Friday, December 28, 2001 at 08:41 AM (CST)

Thursday, December 27, 2001 at 03:29 PM (CST)

It's now 7:20pm, and I am here to let you all know Chayton's condition at this point. Chayton was soooo hungry, after the second day of not eating, so at supper time, we gave him a few pretzels, his favorite, and he began to eat them. After his first one, and in the middle of the second, he began vomitting, again. The poor little guy was throwing up and digging in the bowl for a small piece of pretzel at the same time. We kept telling him "yucky" and he just kept going after it, so we had to take the bowl away. Once we did that, wouldn't ya know it, he threw up all over himself.

I called Dr. Jurida in TX and talked to him. He said Chayton is on the highest dose of decadron (dexamethasone) and that he doesn't know what to do or think right now. We are to just monitor him, again, and if he throws up two or more times, we need to take him to Minneapolis right away. He feels that this is happening, as I have previously mentioned, because of tumor pressure, or the pressures of swelling.

Gatlin and Ashley are doing very well handling what is going on. They even renamed themselves. Gatlin is "Dr. Jurida" and Ashley is "Stacy R.N." They helped give Chayton his fluids by drawing up Pedialite in a syringe, and giving him 1cc orally at a time. They love him so much and are willing to do whatever it takes to try to help their baby brother improve.

I will keep you informed. Thanks, Dawn

(first entry of the day below)

Unfortunately, I don't have very good news to report from last night and today. Chayton's condition is deteriorating. Last night he kept vomitting to a point where around 10 pm, we had to take him to the ER in Hutchinson. They checked him and did a CT scan, and chest x-ray.

The CT scan revealed more tumor growth, and the doctor on call said that Chayton needed to be admitted, but they weren't comfortable keeping him there. He said Chay should go to Children's. His thought is that the tumor is putting pressure on the brain, and eventually, the ventricles will be blocked, and the pressure is so much, that it is starting to push his brain stem down and out of the skull, which will inevitably result in death. We were so shocked and stunned, that instead of taking him to Children's, we opted to bring him home. If they think he is not going to survive, we don't want him in the hospital, we want him at home and in our arms. We didn't leave there until around 4 this morning.

At about 9 this morning, I called TX and spoke to Dr. Jurida. He said we needed to have Chayton transported to Children's by ambulance. We called and the ambulance was here in no time. I rode with Chayton, and daddy and Grandma stayed with the other two kids. Dr. Jurida thought that Chayton didn't have much time, and he needed a shunt, as without one, he would die. He didn't go on to Children's. He again, came home. We found that he doesn't need a shunt, yet. Close, but not yet. And until the ventricles are blocked, it would be an unneccessary proceedure.

Chayton hasn't talked since yesterday, and so far has grunted twice, and chuckled once. He was so lethargic last night and this morning, almost as though he were paralized. He still stares off into space a lot. We don't know what to think of all this right now, just letting it all register.

Nobody knows what to do or think. Right now, he is under our observation. If he doesn't start taking fluids, or eating, we are in lots of trouble. We are to take him to Children's by ambulance, again, if this doesn't change, but if we have to go, we will be driving, because the ambulance process takes too long. (He has to go to Hutch. first for evaluation, which takes at least 2 hours, especially if the doc isn't familiar with him.)

Thank you for everything, and I wish there was something good I could say right now, but at this point, it's really hard. It about kills us to see him this way. Please pray for Chayton. Dawn, Darrell and family.

Tuesday, December 25, 2001 at 10:25 AM (CST)

Merry Christmas! We celebrated our family Christmas last night, and Santa came to see the kids! Thank you, Kylee, for telling him to come early, so the kids could see him.

Our children didn't celebrate Christmas here, yet, though. (We still have company.) When everything settles down, they will. They are okay with that, which again, makes us proud.

Santa made me and Grandma VanderKolk cry. Real hard, after he left. Chayton wouldn't let him get too close, and just screamed and bucked. Then, when Santa was leaving, he looked at Chayton, touched his arm and in the most sincere and gentle voice, he said, "I will see you again, next year!" If that had been said to any of the other kids, I don't think there would have been any emotions, other than smiles, but because it was Chayton, it really made us think...for the best! Santa is AWESOME! Just by saying that, he made our Christmas more special, and he probably doesn't even realize just how much.

Christmas eve wasn't as great as we wanted it to be. Gatlin and Ashley were both up in the middle of the night sick, and they threw up until around 3:00 yesterday, and Grandpa VanderKolk wasn't feeling so hot, either.

Grandpa Kraft brought Abby along which made Chayton's day! He loves her. He followed her all over when they got here for about an hour! Giggling the entire time. We will get together with Grandma Kraft, Uncle Nate, Aunt Mickey, Uncle Shawn and cousins Lee and Chelsea later in the week. Grandpa and Grandma Kraft and Uncle Nate are coming up Wed. or Thurs.

Uncle John and Aunt Missy really had a good time, too. And Colton, bless his heart, was shy with Santa! (He's four years old, and cute as a button, too.) We missed Dominic. He was celebrating Christmas elsewhere, but his Aunt Dawn, Uncle Darrell, and the kids thought an awful lot about him while he was away.

I have to tell you, our family Christmas was fabulous, but we think our Christmas with the kids will even be better. Steph brought us a card that said, "Don't forget the reason for the season!" That was nice, because it made us think even more that it was a sign, and that something wonderful is coming for Chayton that we can ALL be excited about!

I don't have much more to say, other than, I hope you all know we are thankful and that even in the bad times, good sneaks up on us and gives us a smile every now and then! Darrell was up until 3am because he couldn't sleep, but I went to bed around 10. That was nice for a change. b.t.w....Darrell wasn't having negative thoughts, he just slept in too long the day before. That's why it can be chalked up as good. We are wishing you all good things for the year to come! Many blessings to you all! Dawn, Darrell, Gatlin, Ashley, and Chayton.

Sunday, December 23, 2001 at 09:00 PM (CST)

Chayton is doing okay today, but definately nothing to brag about. He is more swollen than ever. He remains on the antineoplaston treatment through the Burzynski Clinic. His dose went up by 10, today. I don't know why he is so irritable, but I would be too if I were the patient! I know Chayton has been through a lot, and I feel that I would have probably given up by now. Thank GOD he can't hear my and daddy's late night talks about what to do! It scares us to even think about some of the things we do, yet we couldn't imagine him overhearing or understanding what we are saying.

Chayton is a wonderful little boy, and so are Gatlin and Ashley...wonderful. I don't know how we made it this far. We think it is from the support we have gotten from this page, and our family. When our spines give out, this is our backbone, you might say. To know that there are others out there dealing with the same dilemna, our hearts hurt even more.

This is the season to be happy and grateful. We are, and WOW did friends, family, strangers and Santa pull through to give our children the Christmas they deserve, but at the same time, how do we help but not think what is to come. I am a member on a pediatric brain tumor digest board through yahoo, and one mother of a sweet little boy, Sean, said it best...waiting for the axe to fall...again. What do you do? You know you are in constant fear, even if you don't realize it every moment of the day! Darrell and I both worry about the time frames we have to work with, and constantly question, is it long enough? Is there anything that will help? I think I put this on here before, but there was a movie called The Green Mile. We watched it months before Chayton was ill, but there was a man on that movie that was able to heal and give life from something as simple, yet complex, as his very own touch. MAN, if that were true, think of the possibilities! Not only for Chayton, but for all the others suffering.

I heard THE saddest thing I think I have ever heard, today, involving financial dire straits in a life or death situation. I don't know what we would do without the help of everyone, and the candle thing...benefits, etc. There is a 16 year old boy out there, close to where I am originally from, who needs a liver transplant. Without it, he will not survive. Unfortunately, someone else has to go before this can happen, which that alone is sad. But this boy's family had a fundraiser down there, and five people showed up. FIVE! Can you believe that?!? I would have wilted if that were my son! Even Darrell said the same. We are sooooo lucky to have the support we do have! We are trying to think of a way to help the family. Even if it just means setting up a web page like this one, and putting the link on here. We have decided that we are willing to try to do anything to try to help people...support wise, information, an ear to scream at, etc. We know how tough it can be, and how things pick up when you have support. It still seems just as tough as it did in the beginning, but we have come a LONG way! Unfortunately, the candles are for Chayton and other families affected by cancer. But if there is any other information anyone has, feel free to contact us via e-mail, or wait and if I can get a page set up, I will link it, and you can put it right on his page.

That helps with our emotions, too. Being able to help someone else. Otherwise, we feel like such losers. Not to be harsh, but that about sums it up. And don't get us wrong, we don't always feel so depressed. Just hurt and helpless. Which is just as awful as depression, at times.

I almost forgot, Gatlin had his eyes checked Saturday morning. That was pretty expensive. He has glasses now. They said his right eye wasn't very good, but his left eye was not good. So if that tells you anything. He looks so handsome in them, yet it breaks our hearts to see him with them on only because it's just something more to worry about...are his eyes going to be okay in the future...?

Ashley is still waiting and wishing for her two front teeth! She looks so cute, and loves to rub her tongue on the new one's. Gatlin has his first loose tooth, too. The kids are constantly checking Chayton's teeth.

I am beginning to think Gatlin will be a doctor, like he wants, but Ashley will more than likely change her mind to dentistry before long. Ha Ha. Just a thought.

Thank you for the prayers, well wishes and everything else. We don't know how to repay everyone for everything, but we would sure like you all to know we are extremely grateful. Sincerely, Dawn, Darrell, and family of Chayton Hunter. MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Friday, December 21, 2001 at 09:02 PM (CST)

Well, this is a roller coaster ride that doesn't take tickets. We didn't buy any, anyway. It never stops...sometimes it just slows down a little.

Chayton has diahrea today. Not good for the treatment. We are always going up and down it seems.

We are really grateful to the staff at Enchanted Lights! Mike, the owner, called me today to tell me that they are also having a fundraiser for Chayton. They are making 8 ounce candles. There are two different candles; Chayton's Hope and Chayton's Inspiration. They are to be sold in various gift shops in the state of Minnesota. I can't wait to see them! They are awesome people!!!!

Also, I guess we will be trying the light thing on Chayton. I don't know when we will start, but supposidly, it won't harm him and it shouldn't affect the antineoplaston treatment he is on.

The down side, I was sitting here lastnight with a friend, looking on the pages of rhabdoid kids. I encourage everyone to type rhabdoid kids into their search engine. From there, it should be the first one that comes up. Click on that. Go to rhabdoid kids first, then scroll down to angel kids. After that...go back and find Dawson's songs. There are two songs written for a little boy who lost his battle to this monster. They are awesome! Also, while you are in Angel kids...read Sarah Colby. She was one strong little girl with a wonderful family. They all will remain in our hearts forever. They give you a totally different outlook on life, and the monster! I don't know if this will affect you the way it did me, but I am sure being in this situation is a little different than watching it unfold. However you see it, it's all important! Our friend was also touched and he is generally a strong person.

Thanks for checking on Chayton, and we hope to see you sign the guestbook, and in the future, let me know if you are happy with the suggestion of looking up rhabdoid kids.

Take Care and God Bless, Dawn, Darrell, and family.

Thursday, December 20, 2001 at 07:20 PM (CST)

Things are going better today than yesterday. We were very busy today, but managed to maintain our sanity for the most part.

We went to Fairmont and talked with Dr. Hamp. He informed us of an alternative therapy that is NOT ingested, nor does it even touch our beautiful son physically. The "Beam Ray" is a devise that looks much like a black light, only very large in size. It works with frequencies ...everyone / everything also deals with frequencies one way or another. As he described, that is how an opera singer is able to shatter glass ... literally. Anyway, for each specific diagnosis, there is a frequency that can destroy the problem. He claims from the common cold to HIV and AIDS, and everything in between. We have done research on this, and think it sounds reasonable, and it is cost efficient, concidering we pay upfront, and never pay again, and it will work for most anything. We do, however, want to be sure it won't harm him, nor be harmful to him or the treatment he is currently on. This treatment sounds very good, but we want to be sure! What will happen, because his is cancer, he will sit 5 feet from the light for about an hour twice a day for the first two weeks, and then once a day for the next 4 - 6 weeks. (If we do decide to do this, we will also be checking to be sure it is working, and we aren't wasting our time. Not saying we will be, but we want to be sure.)

Other than that, Chayton slept most of the day away. He was in a good mood when he was awake. I recorded him laughing and giggling on my computer, so if I can get it to work as an e-mail, I would be more than happy to send it to anyone who asks, with an e-mail address. It's so cute. I didn't think we would get the BIG laugh out of him, but we did! Towards the middle to end, but at least we got it.

That's about all I have to say right now. Thank you all for the support and prayers. We really do appreciate it. We also ask that you pray that if Chayton has to leave us, that he is comfortable and goes in his sleep, not to suffer. Don't get us wrong, we are NOT giving up, but we also want to be sure to have prayers for that as well, because for as hard as we are fighting, it is still a very real possibility. It would kill us, but we don't want our baby to suffer! Thanks again, Dawn, Darrell and family.

Wednesday, December 19, 2001 at 04:03 PM (CST)

We just talked to Dr. Jurida in Texas, for the third time today, and to Dawn at Children's twice.

Chayton has been ill, throwing up and screaming in agony...now he rests peacefully on the living room floor with the comfort of his puppy that he named, "Puppy"! He is a wonderful little boy!

Anyway, Dr. Jurida said we have little to no time to waste. We have to increase his dose by 10 everyday. He had a meeting with Dr. Burzynski about Chayton's MRI. The outcome of the meeting was not exactly what we expected. He said they concluded that Chayton's tumor was serious, and could result in death. They feel that they can no longer say they can cure him, or that he has a big chance. Now they can only say the chance of his survival is slim, but there is still a chance, which is better than nothing.

The problem grows, as Chayton began his dose today, and got violently ill. I called back out there and talked to Dr. Jurida, again, and he said we would have to give him an extra 1cc of Decadron, and take his other doses up to 3ml every 6 hours. That is not good concidering we are trying to ween him off the Decadron. Following that, things progressively worsened. I called, again. This time, he felt Chayton needed to be admitted into the hospital immediately, feeling that there may be bleeding on the brain. I felt that something wasn't right, but couldn't put my finger on it, and Darrell, on the other hand, felt that it was from Chayton's milk. In the meantime, Chayton is to remain off treatment until further notice, and at this point, that is very detrimental to the game plan. Dawn, at Children's, spoke with Dr. Bendel and they gave two options to chose from. Either we keep him home and on Pedialite, monitoring him closely, for the next few hours, or we take him in so they can look him over, do a CT scan of the brain to check for bleeding, and determine at that point if he needs to be admitted. We chose the first option. Since he is resting comfortably now, we would rather not disturb him, and let him tell us in his own way if he needs further attention.

He also said we are not going to be watching Chayton's Alk. Phos. level anymore. He said if we do that, Chayton will die. He said we can worry about his liver later, but if we do now, we will have to stop treatment too often, and Chayton won't stand a chance in hell against this monster.

The problem we have with this is, the last time it was extremely elevated, we noticed it and stopped his treatment before the lab results were back, we knew by the way he was acting. Dr. Jurida said if this happens again, call him, and we will decide what to do at that point.

The problems we face now are bigger than we thought we would have to face again. Today was just a reminder of how awful and unforgiving chemotherapy was to Chayton. We hurt for him every second that he is in pain or ill, and we cannot help.

The bleeding on the brain...Dawn told us to watch for him to "not be himself", get sick, hold his head in pain, or anything else out of the ordinary, oh, and that he will be irritable...as if he's not, already! She said these are all signs, and that we should keep an eye out for them. Then call if anything changes.

If this treatment doesn't work, we will not give up. Our next step is a doctor in Fairmont. Supposidly, he works with accupressure, and it apparently works on cancer patients. We will not give up as long as Chayton fights, and looks healthy! Call it what you will...we admit we are desparate, but we also love our children, and if there is something out there that may save him, we are bound and determined to try to find it.

There is really nothing more for me to add at this point, but if something comes up later, I will be sure to add it to the bottom of this page. You may want to check the photos...I am going to update them now. Thanks, Dawn, Darrell, and family.:)

Tuesday, December 18, 2001 at 01:18 PM (CST)

Check out the photos, if you'd like to see the kids, and Chayton's hair. I will change them about every other day.

More news comes from Texas. Not good, either. We were under the impression that Chayton's tumor would grow, and that would be a good thing to a certain degree...for the meds to get in there and do their job. Unfortunately, Dr. Jurida and I just spoke on the phone, and that is not the case in Chayton's tumor.

Chayton's tumor has grown too much for that to happen. He asked if it were operable, which we asked, and they said yes, after the swelling went down, but he would suffer severe brain damage, and possibly die, anyway. Plus the tumor will grow back to where it is now, before he even recovers. They said they were no longer worried about liver damage, their concern was to try to keep him alive at this point. There it is. The roller coaster ride that we didn't even buy the ticket for.

I have nothing more to say right now. Thank you all for the prayers. We need them more and more. Dawn, Darrell and family.

Monday, December 17, 2001 at 10:27 PM (CST)

The fears were there, today...most definately. As always. And still are. We received "bitter-sweet" results. First of all, Chayton's Alk. Phos. level came down. It's now 1,914. That is better than the 3,177! BUT, there is another count that is up and they were quite concerned with at Children's. It's that Gamma GT. They explained it, but with all the other info we received, it's quite a bear to remember. All I know is that it's about 3x what it should be. It's 130. Apparently, they feel there is something going on. I just can't seem to remember what, exactly, they think it is. Dr. Bendel was great! She explained everything to us in great detail, today. (Which may very well have something to do with my faultering memory at this point.) She did, however, double check all of Chayton's previous labs done there while he was on chemotherapy, and all of them were within a normal range, and NEVER sent a red flag to them. She said they checked that every time he had labs. I suppose you would like to know what the heck I am talking about...the Alk. Phos. level. It's always maintained a 200-400 average. Never higher than 400, though.

The kids were marvelous! They were so protective when it came to Chay, though. Which is a good thing, we know. They had fun just being kids at the hospital. Grandma and Grandpa Kraft brought them up for the big day.

Now for what all have been waiting for. Chayton's MRI results revealed there has been NO spread, "THANK YOU GOD!!!", but they did reveal that the tumor has tripled in size. So far, at this point, we are still in the ballgame, though. That is definately GREAT NEWS!!! Dr. Bendel was "a little surprised" that it had remained local and not spread at all, let alone gotten out of hand, but she also said this monster is not always predictable.

We have yet to talk to the Dr. out in Texas, but we are pretty sure they will be confident, because before we even went in for the MRI, we were forewarned that the tumor most likely would be rather large, because it has to get bigger before the antineoplastons can take effect, and really begin breaking it apart. Something we need more info on, because the last we knew, there was evidence of tumor breakdown.

Another thing they did today, Chayton had a spinal MRI, as well. That looked clear as could be. And because his breathing is so messed up, they did a chest x-ray, also clear. We don't know anything on the blood pressure though, why it sky rocketted like it did. That has yet to be determined. We will let you know that as soon as we learn something.

Now, we don't know what the next MRI will say about Chayton's condition, but hopefully, be better news. Today, Doctor Bendel also said that she was very concerned with the size of Chayton's tumor. Soon, there will be BIG problems if something doesn't change, and the only reason he is still a functioning child, is because of the decadron he is on to reduce swelling, which by the way, there is ALOT of. We all actually talked for quite some time, and she offered her services to assist with Chayton's medical needs, be it from Texas, or Dr. Matthias, Chayton's primary physician. That was generous, concidering we are on a treatment that is frowned upon by many in the medical profession.

Darrell and I talked tonight on the way home with our two gorgeous and one beautiful blessings in the back. We realized how lucky we are to have each one in our lives. Gatlin was born without the bones connecting his skull to his spine, and at one point, there was going to be an operation to correct this, which could have taken him from us, as now, any accident can do the same, as the one's that are there aren't so stable. Ashley has difficulty distinguishing right from wrong and with self expression, but is getting better day by day with help and love, and now Chayton with the tumor. But neither Darrell nor I would ever concider changing them. They are God's children given to us to take care of, and we are ever so grateful. We have our days, believe me, but there is no better reward than the love we receive in return.

Darrell admitted that for the first time in this journey, he was scared to the point it made him literally ill. He said he was afraid before, but today was the "make it or break it" deal. He said that because he is a man, most men can handle anything and deal with anything, and no matter how strong one needs to be, the physical strength is always there, but in this case, it wouldn't matter if he were superman, he can't change things. I totally understand, because I have always thought, I am their mommy, I can always kiss their boo-boo's away. I have learned with Gatlin that it's not that easy. I have learned with Ashley that it's alot harder than I thought, and now, I have learned with Chayton, I am only a tool for God, in caring for these children. What hurts is, we get so darn attached, how do you ever get over the fact that your child needs something that you cannot give them?!? The ultimate feeling as a parent...FAILURE TO A DEGREE OF UNCERTAINTY! I can pray all day every day, but if my child is lying there screaming, and I have prayed day after day, how long does my child have to suffer before me, before my prayer will be answered? Or is that the answer? Must we watch our children suffer? Is that what He wants? I never thought that would be the case, but sometimes we wonder. Even Gatlin and Ashley wonder why God hasn't answered their prayers. That is just as painful. How do you tell a child that He answers when he feels you are ready, but you have to go to bed when we say, or eat your lima beans when we say?!?

There is no band-aide big enough for this one. We do believe whole heartedly, though, that without all the prayers today, Chayton may not have been so lucky. Thank you all! The power of prayer is magical! We both think that with everyone praying for Chayton, a prayer was answered. Even though it grew so much, which is awful, it didn't spread. If that would have been the case, I would have had to tell you there is nothing more that can be done. We are thankful that we can tell you, although time is of the essance, there are remote possibilities. That's better than nothing! We will take that anyday! Now all we can do is keep praying, and try to figure out where to go from here.

You know the worst feeling so far was when I was alone in making preparations for Chayton in the case that he didn't make it. This was before we went to Texas and were given new hope. I had pretty much everything planned. I felt so alone, then, too. I felt like the worst parent in the entire world! Here I was, planning what to do if my son became one of Heaven's Angels. What kind of mother does that when their child is in the very building they are in, alive and playing like nothing is wrong. Darrell always said, "a loving one!". Being the person doing it, though, that is not how you feel.

On Thursday, I ran across those papers and threw them in the garbage. Then Friday was the lab day, Saturday we finally found out what they thought. Good thing they were wrong, but what boggles me...was that a sign? Why did I throw them away only days before the MRI. The thought of Chayton's tumor having spread never crossed my mind when I ran across it.

Anyway, I have gone on and on...I should update the photo page. I hope one day, everyone who reads this and feels like they know Chayton, will be able to meet him, and know just how great he really is! Thank you all for the support. Darrell and I were really shocked to see all who signed in. We check the guestbook often, but hardly anyone was there, so we thought people were tired of living through Chay's Journey with us. Thank you for all the comfort, and know that our children are thankful, too. Dawn, Darrell and Family.

Monday, December 17, 2001 at 10:26 PM (CST)

Just arrived home...updating the page and photos...give me a little bit, thank you.

Monday, December 17, 2001 at 04:06 PM (CST)

I just stopped in to get the camera, and thought I would give a quick update for right now.

During his check up before the MRI, Chayton's blood pressure was extremely high, and it still is. It was 135/91. That is a concern. Also, after the brain MRI, there will be one of the spine, and then they ordered a chest x-ray. I will let you know when we have results. Thank you for everything...it's comforting to know people care. Dawn, Darrell and family.

Sunday, December 16, 2001 at 09:34 PM (CST)

This is a plea for help! We don't know how many people are reading this anymore, because not many sign in, but we are asking for those of you who do read Chayton's page to pray extra hard for Chayton. He NEEDS it!

I know that God answers one prayer at a time, and if it's not our turn, maybe it's one of your's. We need for Chayton to be stable. If the tumor has metasticised, we are in trouble. If it's severe liver damage, at least there is a such thing as a liver transplant, but at this point, he needs to be okay and have the counts come back down so he can get back on treatment. Without it, we don't stand a chance against this monster.

We know that many care, it's just that at this point, we feel very alone. As in...helpless. We are at wits end, literally! Please, we ask that you all say an extra prayer for Chayton for good news with tomorrow's MRI. Thank you, Dawn, Darrell and family.

Saturday, December 15, 2001 at 11:34 AM (CST)

Hi! This is Colleen. Dawn just called me and wanted me to update Chayton's web page.

She's been trying to get answers from the Doctor's as to why Chay's alk. phos. levels were so high and could never get a straight answer. The clinic called everyday to check on Chayton, so Dawn asked the nurse today. She said she would have the oncall doctor call her back, which she did. She kept changing the subject. She finally said that really there is no reason for the levels to go up after the treatment had been stopped for almost a week. That in fact they should have gone down!

She said they would know more after the MRI on Monday. Dawn asked if it could be because of the tumor. She said the only explination she has is that the tumor is heavily metastized, meaning it's spreading, but wouldn't know for sure until they do the MRI.

I told her we would all just have to pray that much harder, because Chayton just has to pull through this . . . yet one more possible set back.

Darrell, Dawn and Chayton will be coming back home tonight from Iowa. They were happy to able to be with Ashley to celebrate her birthday. And they send their love and thanks for all of the support and prayers.

Saturday, December 15, 2001 at 11:34 AM (CST)

Friday, December 14, 2001 at 03:13 PM (CST)

Just a quick note before we head out to Iowa...hours after scheduled...

Chayton's labs came back today. The good news is that his electolites were outstanding, the bad news is that we will not be able to start up the treatment today as planned. He has to go without through the weekend. His alk. phos. was 3177. Remember the normal...between 150 and 300! It has gotten higher, and we don't know why. Anyway, that's all I know for now. Thanks for checking in on him. Love, Dawn, Darrell and family. :)

Wednesday, December 12, 2001 at 09:35 PM (CST)

Okay, maybe it's just because of past experiences, but I am REALLY scared. Monday is Chayton's next MRI. All the old emotions are coming back with a vengence! I don't know what to think right now. It's not that they went away to begin with, but it's just that they have surfaced again.

We have always been scared and thinking about it, but just trying to stay on top of everything else. Only everything is happening at once. Christmas is just around the corner, Chayton is still with us, THANK GOD! And the other two are in Iowa, our property taxes are past due, our mortgage is past due, our monthly bills are behind, Chayton's treatment is due...what next? Actually, we don't want to know!

We hope and pray that Chayton's MRI will be good. We were looking over the scans he had done previously, and we were thinking that this "new tumor" may not be so new. If you look really close, it looks like it was there before. Just barely, but there. Then when they stopped chemo, and changed to their "brain tumor cocktail", it started to grow. We don't know. We are not medical professionals, but we do know that we don't want anything bad to happen to Chayton. I feel like I'm trembling now, just writing this.

The kids are so great! They are still asking first and foremost for Santa to cure their brother and make everything all better again. Wouldn't that be great if Santa could do the trick?!? If that is possible...

Dear Santa,
My name is Chayton and I don't feel well. For Christmas, my family is strapped, but they are all working on one thing. Making me better. I feel okay right now, but I would feel better if they didn't all have to worry so much. I can tell when they are stressed because mommy and daddy talk quiet, then don't talk for a bit. Gatlin and Ashley cry that they miss me on the phone, and tell me how much they hope I get better. I sure wish there was something you could do. I want lots and lots for Christmas, like any other little guy my age, but what we want most, as a family, is to have me feeling better so mommy and daddy could relax and not worry so much, and so Gatlin and Ashley wouldn't use their #1 Santa wish on me. Please, Santa, we have talked to God, and with his help, maybe the two of you can give us an early Christmas wish come true! I have to have an MRI on Monday, please make the tumor go away, and things inside my little head look better. I would beg you, but all I know how to do is ask and then throw a big buck. Mommy and Daddy love me very much, and so do Gatlin and Ashley and my other sister, Nicole. They all want me to be better.
Love, Chayton "Mowgli" Anderson

Ahh....hopefully, with an extra prayer or two, that will work. Like I said, we are desperate. Chayton deserves to live! He is an awesome little boy. Our family needs him, so no matter what, we will humble ourselves to try anything. And honestly, I am sure Chayton wants to feel better more than anything in this world!

Thanks to everyone for all the Christmas blessings and prayers. We think that helps and we will continue to believe that until we are proven wrong...but look at before when the tumor didn't grow for 3 weeks! They said they didn't know why!

I guess this all comes to mind so much right now because we just talked to Dr. Jurida about Chayton. He is really hopeful, yet says not to get our hopes up too high, because we don't know what is in store, yet. Also, Dr. Matthias, our family doctor, saw Chay recently. He also helps us keep our heads above water in an emotional/psychological sense when we are dealing with Chayton's illness and the effects of things going on. At last but not least, Sylvia! She was one of Chayton's nurses at Children's Hospital in Minneapolis. She called today to confirm Monday's appointment. She also asked SINCERELY how he was doing. We know she cares about him an awful lot. She has signed on to this page, and that is a good feeling. When the doctors and nurses sign on the guestbook, it brings a feeling that is undescibable under the circumstances. At least we know they see him as a person, not a paycheck. Not saying the others don't, but just that it helps us....as when anyone signs on with support.

There is a woman in California, who may cut our cost down to $6000. a month starting in January, for a month or two. Her name is Linda Riggs. Her husband was an honorable naval officer, and recently passed from a brain tumor. With everything else going on, she was so generous, and is donating some supplies to Chayton. That is such a big help. We so wish there were something we could do to help her in return. She is so modest, yet in such a situation, much like ours, yet very different. We just say a prayer for her at night, and ask that you do the same.

Thank you all for taking the time to read through my...our emotions and thoughts. We know there is support out there, and believe me, when we see it...it feels like we aren't as alone. And that makes us feel better, which in turn makes Chayton feel better. Thank you!

Warm wishes from our home to yours, Dawn, Darrell, Gatlin, Ashley and Chayton Anderson

Tuesday, December 11, 2001 at 07:10 PM (CST)

Just a brief update to let you know how things are going. Chayton is off treatment until Friday, at this point. His alkaline phosphatase level is supposed to be between 150 and 300, and right now it's at 3027. This is toxic. When he is able to resume treatment, instead of 6 doses a day, he will be on 96 doses a day. Just shorter doses. There is also a problem with his breathing/coughing. We figured it was asthmatic, but this time, because of the antineoplastons, it caused swelling in his throat. It's not normal, but it can happen. It also is okay. Some people have to take smaller doses because of their internal chemistry. He will be fine. There is a chance he will be able to resume treatment sooner.

Tim Krohn, Darrell's cousin, is a professional interior decorator, who just expanded his business to construction, as well, said he would like to donate a percentage of his business income to help Chayton get the treatment he needs, too. If anyone would like to have Tim give an estimate, or do work, his phone number is 507-834-9806. We really appreciate the help! Chayton's Fire will not all go to Chayton. Some goes back in to making more candles, and a percentage goes to other families. This means that if there is just enough for Chayton's treatment, there is not enough. Some will go back to make more, and some to others.

I think Chayton misses Dr. Jurida, Dr. Axler and Dusty. He watches the home videos that we took when we were out there, and he gets excited and talks to the TV. Of course, and to himself!

Thanks for checking the site, and hopefully I will be back soon. (I'm getting razzed about the "brief update" thing. Love, Dawn, Darrell, Gatlin, Ashley and Chayton Hunter Anderson :)

Saturday, December 08, 2001 at 05:49 PM (CST)

It has been a hectic day, of all days. Last night when I was giving Chayton his Decadron push, blood came out of his line in the syringe. That was around 1:00 am. I called the doctor in Texas to find out what to do, and she didn't know, so she called the nurse to see if he had ever seen anything like this. She called me back and told me she still couldn't figure it out so she was going to call Dr. Axler to see if he had any idea as to why this happened. She called back, again, and said he wasn't sure, but that I should stop treatment immediately and call Children's Hospital in Minneapolis, and get him in to be checked to see if there was a problem with the Med Comp Hickman Catheter. I didn't waste time because I didn't want to stop treatment. Every moment counts! I called the hospital right away and talked to one of Chayton's nurses, Ellen. She told me that it was pressure backing up in his line and that it should be okay, she wouldn't worry, as he was crying at the time. Otherwise, she said she would have been concerned. That was great news as far as I was concerned! So he is still on the treatment! I didn't get to bed until 2:30 am or later, and then had to get up at 6:00 again. Finally, after medicating him then, I laid down for the last 2 hours of my rest. I got up around 8:00 this morning. Ahh...

Darrell was ill this morning, so he stayed in bed until noon. I can honestly say, I would rather suffer from sleep deprivation, that the flu! The poor guy. I felt so bad for him...for about an hour, then we all realized he was milking it just a little. All in fun, of course!

The kids played with their neighborhood friends. That was great for them. They haven't been able to do that for what seems like an eternity to them, I'm sure. They are doing fine and are happy to be home. (And we are more than happy to have them home!)

We really pounded out the candles today. The deal is, for every $5.50 donated, there is a candle. The scents are Macintosh Apple, Carmel Apple, Hot Apple Pie, Cotton Candy, Fudge Brownie, and Coffee With Hazelnut. To be honest, my favorite is the Coffee With Hazelnut. I just can't seem to get enough of that! Anyway, just e-mail us, or in Iowa, there are several businesses participating in the Waverly area, and possibly the New Hampton, Ionia, and Charles City areas. (As well as individuals who are helping out for the cause.)

There is a fundraiser on January 20th, Sunday, in New Hampton, Iowa at the Trinity Lutheran Church with soup and sandwiches, as well as a Christian concert by a former member of the Imperials, Sherman Andrus. The food will be served between 4:00 pm and 6:30 pm, and the concert will begin at 7:00 pm. (Thank you Pastor Frey, for the info, and thank you to all who are helping make this possible.) The funds raised will be matched there. If anyone is interested, please send donations to Pastor Kevin Frey, 223 S. Water, New Hampton, IA 50659. Checks should be made out to AAL Branch 3667. (Thank you Marge, for that information.) We appreciate it!

There is another fundraiser in Waverly, Iowa in December, but we are unsure of the date at this time. December is going to be a busy month, fundraiser, family events, Chay's first MRI on the Burzynski treatment, holidays, etc. But being so hectic will keep our minds off things for a while. That's a plus, most definately!

I suppose, I have compromised enough of our family's time together, I had better get back upstairs and break out the Christmas decorations. (We promised the kids that we would make hot cocoa and let them decorate the tree this year.) And just in case you are interested, we will have NON-FLASHING lights this year. The kids know why and understand it to an degree of perfection! Because of Chayton's present condition, flashing lights could make him have a seizure. The kids even shelter him from flashing stop lights, they are so great! I don't know if that little tidbit of information was useful to you or not, but then again, I don't know if any of this is, and the kids thought it was pretty important! Thanks to all of you, Take Care and God Bless! From our home to yours, Dawn, Darrell, Gatlin, Ashley and Chayton Hunter Anderson :)

Thursday, December 06, 2001 at 05:55 PM (CST)

It's been a long couple days. The day before yesterday, Chayton got a bit of an overdose of medications. He is doing much better, now. He slept quite a bit of the day away and was off the antineoplastons for an entire day...but now is back on them and is tolerating them rather nicely./

There really isn't much more to say at this time, accept, thank you for all the support, we really appreciate it. We are definately in need of it, there's no denying that. That's all for now, thanks again, Dawn, Darrell, and family of Chayton Hunter Anderson

Monday, December 03, 2001 at 02:59 PM (CST)

Yeehaw!!! We made it home, just in time! For all the snow to still be on the ground, but good weather! There is an entry from Marge Johnson in the guestbook that gives all the information on the matching funds. I will be sure to post it here when I have more time.

We would like to thank Janelle and Rob and the rest of their family at Olympic Funding! That was an awesome Christmas card, and we don't know how we will ever be able to thank you enough, as well as all the other things you all have done for us. Thank you!

Chayton seems to be holding up. I don't know what comes next, as we are waiting for the doctors orders to be sent. They forgot, or we did, to get them when we left. We will know more when they are received, so we know what the lab results will reveal.

Thanks for all the support, and especially this time of year. As for the candles, we have all the stuff to get it really cracking now except the label aspect. As for the candles and wax, in about 20 minutes, we will begin classes with our "Master"...the anonymous person. He has done a wonderful job getting this all going while we were gone. He made a few samplers, and now it's time to get cracking.

Tomorrow, we will be in Iowa, again. We'll be back Wednesday. Hopefully early. Gat and Ash are doing grand, by the way.

Thanks for everything. Lots of love from our family to yours...Dawn, Darrell, Gatlin, Ashley and Chayton Hunter Anderson :)

Thursday, November 29, 2001 at 02:28 PM (CST)

Hey all! We had another long day at the clinic. Chayton's doctor, Dr. Jurida, greeted us today, and was a little apprehensive about his treatment. At first, he said Chayton would have to stop treatment for a couple days because his toxicity was at a level 3. Which is not good. He consulted with Dr. Burzynski, they did research on rhabdoid, and then came to the conclusion that it is a good thing. First of all, it's the alkaline phosphate level that they are so concerned with. The end result is that Chayton is growing, so his bones are producing some of this, which is normal. Secondly, Chayton DOES have permanent liver damage, due to either chemotherapy or vioxx (he got such a high dose for his age). The main feeling is chemotherapy did this to him. The third and final factor in this is tumor breakdown. Isn't that awesome! There is proof of tumor breakdown, as the dead cells are being washed out of his system.

Instead of stopping treatment, he remains on the same dosage, again, and we will have to watch him very closely. The excitement is starting to weigh on us. This is a bitter sweet roller coaster we are on, and neither of us are prepared to hear devastating news, if it should come to that. Not even a little prepared.

Today we will have to call and have our telephone at the apartment disconnected by tomorrow, and we have a few other odds and ends to get done. Yeah, home is getting closer.

Chayton Hunter was in an awful mood this afternoon, and if he were not ill, he would have had a time-out most definately, but again, the drugs do this to him, and he can't help it. When this is all done, though, Darrell will be lucky to have ANY skin left on his right shoulder! Chayton tries to rip it off as he bucks and screams. I am more fortunate...he loves on me. (Not because he loves me, just to irritate daddy after he's been mean...I'm sure he loves me, but that's not why he does it.)

We are checking into doing something else to help raise the money for Chayton's treatments. We would like to have t-shirts made saying Chayton's Journey. They will have a brief story on the back, and some will say on the front "Kicking Rhabdoid A**" and others will say "Crying Tough One Day At A Time". I don't know if they will sell, either. Chayton's doctor, Dr. Axler suggested doing them. He is great. One of his nurses has a friend who is blind, and is a professional artist. He sells his paintings for $500 - $600 out here. He is going to paint a few for Chayton, sell them, and send Chayton a check. That will cover a quarter of a month of Chayton's treatment! That's awesome!!!

Well, I suppose, I have some calling to do prepping to go home. Take Care, and I will update again when I get the chance. God only knows when that will be, we are heading out right after his appointment tomorrow. Love, Hugs and Blessings to everyone! Dawn, Darrell and Chayton Hunter Anderson:)

Kids: Get ready cuz here we come! Love you bunches. Remember MADLY! Mom, Dad and Chay. P.S. Be nice to Abby or else! You want a pet of your own? You won't get one if you keep being mean to Abby. You have to love them and be nice to them! You know that. No more kicking her around, either of you. She loves you two. Okay, we will see you soon. Get ready, I'm tellin' ya! We are gonna play like we haven't played for months!

Wednesday, November 28, 2001 at 05:16 PM (CST)

Today was a long, late one. But there was a little headway. Although the faxes between the doctors didn't make it while we were there, there is much hope that we will still be on our way homewards by weekend! That will be so great. The last thing we want now is to be let down! It will be so nice to be home and to relax. We would really enjoy getting out of the hustle and bustle of Houston...'s traffic...:) Although, it does kinda grow on ya.

Chayton was able to move up on his dosage, today! He is at 80 over 10. This is good. Soon, he will be close! There is an MRI scheduled for Dec. 17th at the Children's Hospital in Minneapolis. We are hoping this is going to be a good thing, in more ways than one.

Dr. Jurida asked us today to remain calm, and not to be too excited as he has seen this so many times before, where the family is all excited and they get a major let down, real fast, because expecting results at this point would be too soon. With the exception of the tumor's growth possibly being around 16%. The reason this would be a good thing is because the darn things normal growth would be 100%/week. We have been here 3 weeks. At 16%/week, that would even be satisfactory. The tumor has to grow and swell for the antineoplastons to do their job and break it apart. Whatever the results, as long as our son is alive, that is the main thing.

As I have said many times before, and it SHOULD be quite obvious, we are extremely vulnerable right now, so we are grateful that we are being told the truth, and that the doctors keep us in check.

Chayton seems to be doing well out here. He doesn't want to come back to Minnesota. He wants to bring Gatlin and Ashley out here to live, and have Nicole come out and visit, too. And of course, G'mas and G'pas, Aunts and Uncles....etc....! But we told him we had to go back. He seems okay with it. (Like he really knows the difference right now...but when we get there, he will.)

Thanks Minnesota, for sharing some of your cold weather with us out here. It was FREEZING here today. We could have waited until we got back! But it's nice to know you care. Just kidding. It has been raining something fierce here, lately. And when they say everything in Texas is bigger, I think they meant it. Including the raindrops. I have never seen rain like this. The streets and sidewalks have rushing water within a minute, the rain goes from downpour to nothing in a split second, and from the inside, it looks like someone is holding a hose with the water on high on the window. WOW! Now that's rain!

Darrell took us to a five star fast food joint today. It was great. We went to Sonic, America's Drive-In. It was the best fast food we have ever had. They have these joints all over out here. Kinda like Whataburger! That's like McD's and Hardee's. (Only way cheaper!)

Thank you all for the support, and you down there in Iowa, thank you for doing that for our babies there, too. That means alot! They deserve it, too. And for the bills. Hopefully we will have a home to go back to at the rate things are going. Thank you all. Dawn, Darrell, Chayton, Gatlin and Ashley Anderson :)

Tuesday, November 27, 2001 at 02:03 PM (CST)

Hey! It took me about thirty seconds to get in here because SOMEBODY changed my password. And I am sure many know who, as I have been receiving nasty e-mails lately, but that's okay. Fortunately, I have computer skills. I just think it's sad to do it on a page for a child with an illness that many people keep updated on. Oh well. I guess that shows mentality, but that's what makes this world interesting and diverse.

Anyway, I have GOOD news! We may be coming home Friday or so!!! Isn't that just awesome?! We think so. Chayton's counts are coming back down, so that's a good thing. The dosage has stayed the same, so when his counts are closer to normal, there will no longer be a problem, hopefully.

Sorry for taking so long to get this info out to you...Chayton's Fire is beginning to make headway, here. And the orders are piling up...which is AWESOME! We need them! There is a little flame on there saying to keep fighting, it is dedicated to Chayton Anderson and all others affected by cancer. It has the web address on it and a percentage of donations will assist families affected by cancer. We are so excited and proud!

I received an e-mail tonight from a man with a son named Chayton Hunter, as well! Isn't that crazy?!? First of all, how many have the name Chayton, and secondly, THE MIDDLE NAME HUNTER! That's just awesome! And that little Chay is just as gorgeous as ours! I am just stunned by that, it's so...unbelievable, yet it's real!

Anyway, there is a special, sweet, little package headed North come Saturday at the latest! Yipee! Sorry, we just can't seem to contain ourselves! The excitement is bitter sweet. Sweet is obvious, bitter is only because now we will be so far away from the familiarities of the clinic, and daily visits. Now when we are scared, we can't just call in the middle of the night, anymore.

But we are pleased to say that Dr. Matthias, our family doc, and the man who delivered Chayton, will be doing all the follow-ups, and keep in direct contact with the Burzynski Clinic. If I had to chose one man to take that task, he would be the one...duh, that's why we asked him! I just can't tell you enough how awesome he is. For the love of God, this is the man that found the tumor to begin with. That's a big thing, concidering it was such a fluke! The one thing that I find a little unnerving, though, is that the ER leaves a little to be desired. Not saying it's all bad, but if something happens to Chayton, the last thing we want is for someone to tell us what to do, and have it be the wrong thing, and unfortunately, Dr. Matthias needs to sleep sometimes, and tend to his wife and kids, so he cannot be at our beck and call. (But that's anywhere you go.) And while I'm at it, I would just like to say that Carol, Doc's nurse, is just as great! The two compliment eachother and both are so skilled, you would not think twice about being in their care.

Along this path, Chayton's Journey, Darrell, Chayton, Gatlin, Ashley and I have been blessed receiving the best possible care at the time. We are truly fortunate, now, with Dr. Axler, Dr. Jurida, and the rest of the staff at the Burzynski Clinic, as well as at the Hutchinson Medical Center.

Thanks for all the support, fundraisers, EVERYTHING going on out there! We appreciate it. On behalf of Chayton Hunter Anderson, Dawn, Darrell, Gatlin and Ashley.

Kids: Remember MADLY! We love you and will see you soon. Let's race, who will you see first, Chayton or snow? Hey, that may not be a fair question, concidering Minnesota's getting hit. Hope Iowa doesn't get hit too hard, at least until we get there. Then, let the fun begin! Mom, Dad, Chay and you two...IT'S ON!!! GET READY AND BRING IT! Love you... :) We miss you two dearly! and love you madly :) And Chay sends his love, too. TTFN

Monday, November 26, 2001 at 01:21 PM (CST)

AAAHHH... Is it ever going to end?!? (That was a retorical question.) Today we learned that Chay may be cured within a year, but no matter how much time has passed, for the next 25 YEARS, he will have to have MRI scans! 25 YRS!!! That bites. Now we will wonder forever. After that, he will only have to have them once every 3 years for the rest of his life. For the first 7-10, it will have to be every 3 months. then 6 months, then yearly. AAAHHH!

His counts haven't changed since yesterday. We are waiting for the doctor to call back with today's lab results, telling us what to do next. They may have to stop for a couple days, yet.

We talked to the kids last night. Boy, do they miss their mommy and daddy! And Chayton! And boy, do we all miss them!

We also talked to Nicole yesterday. It's been so long! She has a job in New Ulm, now! She works weekends and seems to really like it. We are so proud of her. She is growing up so fast! She is really proud of Chayton, too. We haven't seen eachother for about a month and a half. We've ALL been so busy. Her daddy is really proud of her accomplishments, as well as the rest of us! We just can't wait to get home and have all four of our children together in the same house again. Gatlin and Ashley really miss their BIG sister, too. And without asking, we are sure she misses them, too.

I would like to add a big thank you to Linda. If you are out there, we appreciate your kindness and thoughtfulness in your own time of need. You will continue to be in our thoughts and prayers.

We may get to go home at or around the end of this week or beginning of next week. We have to wait for papers from Dr. Matthias in Hutchinson before Chay can be released. I just talked to him, and then Dr. Jurida, and it sounds like everything is falling into place rather quickly, now. Thank God!

Back home, they are having blizzard-like conditions in Minnesota. We talked to a relative this morning and he said it's just plain nasty out there. I don't know what it's like in Iowa where Gatlin and Ashley are, but I do know that here, in Texas, it's warm, yet the weather is almost unpredictable. Both daddy and Chay are wearing shorts, and it's hot out, but when it rains, it actually more than pours. I have NEVER seen so much rain in such a short period of time in my life! And then it stops, just as quickly as it started. Go figure.

HEY! When we get Chayton home, the first thing I want him to do....THROW A SNOWBALL!!! That is something that I have hoped for since all this started. I'm gonna get my wish!

Thanks to all the family and friends in Iowa for the fundraisers being planned for Chayton. We appreciate that, as well. We don't know what we would do with out them. As well as the one's from Minnesota held for him. Thank you all! I hate to admit this, but we need it right now, more than ever! Thank you!

Hope to see many of you really soon! Dawn, Darrell, Chayton (and Gatlin and Ashley)

Sunday, November 25, 2001 at 02:30 PM (CST)

We had a LONG day at the clinic. Chay's counts that I told you about yesterday...elevated, again. We had to wait to see what the doctors wanted to do about it...and the first instinct was to stop treatment for a couple days. Thank God doctors don't always go with the first instinct. We don't have time to waste. Although, they didn't up his dosage, today. They left it the same as yesterday. He is on 75/10. That is pretty good, concidering he started at 5/5. The goal is to get him to 160/12.5.

Just so you understand a little better, the top number is the one that breaks the tumor down. The bottom number is the one that kills the cancer cells, once broken down. That's the simple explaination.

Anyway, they didn't stop treatment which is good. He has been developing a cold over the last three days, so they thought about, first and foremost, changing his preventative antibiotic, Bactrim, but decided not to as Bactrim is a protective barrier for cancer patients from a VERY NASTY form of pnemonia. He has an awful cough, is sneezing and has sinus drainage showing signs of infection. (Drainage is good, though). The doctor also decided he needed to take 2.5cc of Dimetapp. He hates it! His ANC was low...absolute neutrophil count...which is a sign of infection, but his WBC...white blood count...was fine, so that just means it's viral, and there isn't much that can be done about it.

Last but not least, his Decadron dosage was raised, again. It's back up to 3mg-4x/day. That is 3cc in a 24 hour period. Not alot, but it really is for him. Powerful stuff. The Decadron is to reduce swelling.

Daddy got first hand knowledge that this is not really edible. YUCK! When the pump was primed, the cap was still on the end that hooks up to Chayton, and daddy took the cap off with his mouth...NEVER a good idea. But he learned his lesson quick and clear!

Yesterday, we ventured down to Galveston...on the Gulf of Mexico. We took a ferry ride across the water, only a 40min. trip. It was amazing. All my life, all I've ever wanted was to see the dolphins swim in their natural environment. Not only did we see them swim, we saw them play. We also saw a school of jellyfish. AWESOME! I also wanted Gatlin, Ashley and Chayton to see the dolphins. Chayton did, but I recorded footage of them for the other two kids. (thank you g'ma and g'pa for the use of the camcorder...it's worth a million!) Gatlin is into Harley Davidson motorcycles and airplanes. Ashley is into Dolphins as well. Couldn't have been influenced by family...not at all! Ha ha. Chayton is into everything...if you know what I mean. No, he's not bad for an 18 month old, but we have a heck of a time in the kitchen with him and at the clinic. (We think he may grow up to be a P.I.)

Better sign off, now. Try to keep you informed. Dawn, Darrell and Chayton:)

Gatlin and Ashley: MADLY! For always, no matter what! When we have to come back out here, if it won't be a long stay, you two will be coming with. There is so much of life out here for you to see. Chayton sends his love...and so do we. Mom, Dad and Chay.

Friday, November 23, 2001 at 11:19 AM (CST)

Hello! Our Thanksgiving was nice. We went to our cousins' house. (Janelle and Rob). The kids had a good time, too. Chayton didn't eat hardly at all, and was pretty cranky for a while, but he was better by the time we left. (Thanks for the good time, guys!)

We just got back from the clinic. Chayton is really bloated, now, in his abdominal area. We went over the lab results, as usual, but this time...there was new information. (He has labs everyother day and a urinalysis every 4 days.)

His Dilantin (anti-seizure) level was a bit low, so we are back to 5cc 2x/day. That wasn't so bad. We are cutting back on the Decadron (steroid) to 3mg, 2mg, 3mg, 2mg (4x/day...every 6 hours). The Decadron could be the culprit for the swelling.

Next, we learned his kidney function is okay, but there is something going on with Chayton's liver. There are 3 components to learning more about the condition of his liver. Only one was high. The other two were okay. The one that was high, more than doubled in two days. Not a good thing, for it to double like that. However, it very well may be a good thing in the long run. They said it could be good or bad. Either way, because it is so high, and especially if it gets higher, we may have to stop treatment for a couple days, to get it back down. The only things that could be affecting this is the heart or the liver...we know his heart is okay. As for the liver...this could be a direct result of chemotherapy. And the antineoplastons that he is now receiving, although they do not harm him, may be aggrivating any damage the liver may have sustained during his chemo treatments. The good thing...oh, and this would be good!...is that it could also mean there is tumor breakdown. If it's not from the chemo...the antineoplastons are working! We won't have any substancial evidence of this until an MRI is performed, but at this point, our fingers are definately crossed!

Dr. Jarida feels that even if that is the case, the breakup may be so minimal that there would be nothing visual at this point, but we will keep watching the numbers to learn more.

I have even greater news. Let the celebrations begin...Chayton has exceeded his life expectancy! Can you believe it?!? I wish I could show you how good he looks! (Aside from the swelling) Chayton looks like a million bucks! We are so thankful! That was what our Thanksgiving was all about!

We are checking into more ways to have fundraisers...as the finances are looking pretty grim, and with Christmas just around the corner, OUCH! We are checking into car washes, Walmart, Kmart, McDonald's, Hardee's, etc. If they would each have at least one day of fundraising for Chayton, maybe that would cover his next month of treatment, and help with our household bills, and quite possibly give our three little blessings a decent Christmas.

We have to wait until Monday or Tuesday to find anything out about the labels for "Chayton's Fire". Hopefully, before the end of the month, they will be on the market.

Now that I have been so winded, oh, by the way, I gave our phone number, here. If anyone feels like calling, feel free. If we are not here, we have an answering machine...leave a message! We don't have long distance to call back, but we get pretty lonesome here and really, the contact has been few and far between other than the visits to the Burzinski Clinic. We would appreciate the calls...from whoever, wherever...gives us something to hold on to.

Thanks for all the moral support. We appreciate it as does the rest of our family.

A special hello to Betty Munson, Willard and Rosemary Anderson, Renee and Neil Rassmussen, Denise and Roger Bechly, Jerome and Shaun Anderson, Glen and Sue Anderson, Ken and Lorie Kraft, John and Missy Kraft, Shawn and Mickey Kraft, Glen and Sharon VanderKolk, Nathan Laydon, Matt VanderKolk, Mark and Lisa VanderKolk, and Mason and Joy VanderKolk...These are Chayton's, Gatlin's, and Ashley's Great Grandmother, Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles. We wish them well during the Thanksgiving holiday...as well as everyone else and everyday. Love, Dawn and Darrell

Kids: Remember MADLY! We love and miss you. Talk to you really soon. Love, mommy and daddy :)

Thursday, November 22, 2001 at 12:02 PM (CST)

HAPPY TURKEY DAY!!!

Chayton's appointment went well, today. They are talking about reducing his Decadron. That will be nice. We won't have to listen to him scream anymore, and he won't be trying to run the house. (I don't know if that is good yet or not...daddy and I won't know what to do anymore if we aren't being controlled by "baby boss man"! Not that it's all bad, but WOW!

It's nice to see old friends in the guestbook...it has a heartwarming effect! Darrell feels the same way. Like a taste of home in Texas. Awesome!

Chayton gained a pound. He's at 27 1/2. That is a good thing, I guess. He still looks good, and when he's in a good mood, it's REALLY GOOD!

As far as the nightly prayer thing, he was doing it for a while, then me and daddy had to start doing it by ourselves. As I said above, the Decadron made him REALLY cranky. We joke that he has a lot of his siblings in him. Ashley used to scream and cry when she didn't get her way...and Gatlin used to ignore everyone when he didn't get his way. Thank God they out grew that, but now Chayton carries both traits. It was easier with two personalities doing it. Now...AHHHH! (Just kidding. Let's everyone know how much of a fighter he is.)

Anyway, we have some cookin' to do. Love, Dawn, Darrell and Chayton. Kids: Talk to you soon. Chayton misses you both. He loves you, too. XOXOXOXO REMEMBER MADLY~FOR ALWAYS!

Wednesday, November 21, 2001 at 03:02 PM (CST)

Hey there! We are finally doing it ourselves today. Chayton seems to be doing quite well. He was given another puppy and a monkey today.

He loves Dr. Jurida and Dr. Axler as well as Dusty! They take such good care of him.

Thank you all for working on ways to help with his treatment. Without it, we don't know what we would do! Hopefully the candle thing kicks off, but we have a bit left to do on it.

People had asked how to contact us, our e-mail is still on the bottom of Chayton's page, and we our address out here, only for the next week or so, is Dawn and Darrell Anderson; 2900 S. Gessner #2207; Houston, TX 77063. And the phone number is 713-952-5120. We don't have long distance, so if you leave a message, and it takes too long to get back to you, you may want to try again.

We are extremely pleased with the outpour of support from everywhere. (Not that there is ever an over abundance...but it's nice to know that we aren't alone in this battle with Chayton.)

Chayton's attitude continues to manifest...which just shows us how much more he can fight! That's a good thing.

The latest news was that Chayton was going to have to be here another 2-3 weeks...but the day before yesterday, we were told that if all goes as planned, no complications, no bad news anywhere, there is a SLIVER of a chance that he can come home in 9-12 days. Provided all is superb! We continue to pray.

Chayton loves to act like a dinosaur, so if you happen to see him and he is in attack mode, RUN! He's scarey!

I am sooo anxious for an MRI it's about killing me. Daddy is daddy...calm and hopeful.

We really miss the kids and hopefully we will be home really soon. Thanks to anyone doing fundraisers and all who have. If you need anything, and we can help, please let us know. We would like to help if at all possible.

Kids: REMEMBER MADLY!!! We love you and always will. There is nothing greater than the love we receive from our children. We are proud to say that we have raised the two of you to be so loving and open. Ash, you bet...the deal we have...as soon as I see you, after all the hugs, kisses, smiles and tears....you've got it. Gat, daddy says you and he made a deal, and after he holds you down and tickles you 'til you beg for him to stop, then he will follow through on his deal with you, gladly. We love you guys. Take care of G'ma and G'pa. Tell them Chayton's coming to get them, too! Love Mommy, Daddy and Chayton :)

Friday, November 16, 2001 at 05:25 PM (CST)

Hi everyone this is Denise update for today: Chayton is doing good he did get sick last night but seems to be better today. On monday they are going to raise his medicine again from 25cc to 50cc they also said that the goal for Chayton is to work the medicine up so it is running 24 hours a day 7 days a week. His hair is growing back blondish brown and looks like a military cut. Also as Dawn says he is peeing like a Texas rainstorm. Thats all for today.Bye

Wednesday, November 14, 2001 at 05:38 PM (CST)

This is Denise here is todays update- Chayton slept wonderfully last night and is doing great today. The Doctors raised his medication again today from 25cc to 30cc. They were told today they will be here at least two more weeks if not three. Chayton has 2 other doctors besides Dr. Burzynski that are really nice. Dr. Jurida who came in and played with Chayton today, and Dr. Axler who brought Chayton a teddy bear that was dressed with a hat and bandana and told Chayton he was a true Texan. A scientist from the clinic offered a place to live while Chayton was here but they turned him down because they already have the apartment. I will update when I find something else out.BYE

Tuesday, November 13, 2001 at 05:05 PM (CST)

Hi everyone this is Denise. Dawn wanted me to update everyone on todays events. Chayton had a rough night last night. He was awake throughout the night and sick again. After seeing the doctors today they decided to put Chayton on Pedisure so he will hopefully gain a little bit of weight. They also raised his medicine he now has to take 25cc of the medicine to break up the tumor and 5cc of the medice to kill the tumor. Giving this medicine takes 1 hour and 12 minutes from start to finish and has to be repeated every 4 hours. Dawn did find out something interesting today she found out why Chaytons scar on his head turns hot pink when he is cranky or sick. The doctors told her that it was cranial pressure. Thats all I know for now.....Bye

Monday, November 12, 2001 at 05:07 PM (CST)

Hello. Good news...we got a good night's sleep lastnight for the first time in a few days! That's awesome. Chayton is doing pretty good, again. Hopefully it stays this way.

The way it looks right now, we will be here for Thanksgiving. That is a bummer...we wanted to spend it with the kids. BUT...there might be big news there, too! Grandma and Grandpa are thinking about bringing them out here to spend Thanksgiving with us! YEAH!!! They told us not to get our hopes up, so we won't...anymore, now that they are sky-high!

We got an apartment today through the Clinic. They pay the utilities, water, gas, and rent...and it's not chinsey, either! There are 2 pools, a tennis court, security parking and gates around the perimeters! And the apartment itself is nice. We are grateful.

We would like to make it known that Rob and Janelle have been great putting us up and putting up with us! I say that with a smile. We don't know what we would have done if they hadn't let us stay. Financially, this first few days would have killed us! Thank you, guys. And we would like to thank everyone in the Olympic Funding office as well, you have been so kind.

A VERY big thank you goes to Ryan and Denise. They have allowed us to use their cell phone while we are here, so we can speak to family, offered their computer so we could check e-mails and update AND check on the kids! They have been ever-so-helpful in many ways, thank you both!

Also, I would like to let you all know that we have something in the works to try to help out with the bills here and at home, and for other families, too. The plan is "Chayton's Fire". I don't think I have mentioned it before, but before we left to come to TX, I ordered things to make 5 ounce candles called Chayton's Fire. We are going to sell them. Right now, a very special person to Chayton, who would like to remain anonymous at this point, is making them. There are 40+ currently made, not yet labelled. They will be sold to obviously make some sort of profit. The proceeds will be put back into making more, covering Chayton's medical expenses, and if it turns out well, a percentage will be donated EVERY month to a family in need with a child with rhabdoid. And if it goes extremely well, another percentage to a family with a child with ANY cancer, and if it goes better than that...a family with a child with any terminal illness, so hopefully this works. The scents are cotton candy, carmel apple, hot apple pie, coffee with maple, macintosh apple and fudge brownie. All we need to do is figure out a marketing strategy. Anyway, we will get the details up here, soon. We just thought we needed to DO something for Chayton and the cause. This is the closest thing we could come up with. And, thank you to the wonderful man in New Ulm, MN who set us up with the supplies, and to the wonderful ANONYMOUS person in ....MN! We appreciate everything being done at this difficult time.

God bless and from here on out, I pr'y won't be updating much...it will pr'y be Denise or Ryan...But sign in anyway, because I will get to hear what it says and remember, we are burning a disk for Chayton! Thanks again...and Kelly, you amaze me...you never give up, girl...TRUE FRIEND! (in case you are wondering...read the guestbook.) Dawn, Darrell and Chayton

Kids: MADLY MADLY MADLY!!! See you soon, and keep being so good! How's mommy's little "star student", Ashley?!? And daddy's little "study hound", Gatlin?!? Keep up the good work, and keep on Grandma and Grandpa...now that the chapstick is there, all that you need is time, and there's plenty of it! Love you...mommy and daddy. Chayton says hi...he loves you and misses you both! :)

Saturday, November 10, 2001 at 08:29 PM (CST)

Hi all. Just thought I would let you know what was going on. Not really anything other than what Denise told you. Chay has the infection, he was really ill, and is very limitted on what he can eat.

He is having a better night than he did last night, though. Accept for the pump...the sucker keeps giving us problems. We are REALLY annoyed with this thing! If it's not one thing, it's two...but we will do what we have to for our babies!

I have to go...talk to you when I can.

Saturday, November 10, 2001 at 02:37 PM (CST)

Update of todays events. This is Denise again I just talked to Dawn. Chayton has an infection in the upper part of his line and lost 2 pounds over the night. They are still going to stay on the treatment even though there is an infection. Dawn did tell me that Chayton is doing better and seems to be in high spirits.

Saturday, November 10, 2001 at 09:38 AM (CST)

Hi everyone this is Denise Steinert and Dawn asked me to update the journal. Yesterday eveything was going well, Chayton was playing and seemed fairly happy yesterday evening. Sometime during the night Chayton woke up and started throwing up. They were all up until about 4 o'clock this morning. Dawn called the clinic and they were advised to stop all treatment until they get into their appointment at 9:30, then they will decide what to do from there.

Friday, November 09, 2001 at 08:07 PM (CST)

Thank you for the support out there, you have no idea just how much it means. There is nothing out there right now that helps better than support!

Speaking of support, Sarah needs it, her family needs it. Please send your prayers to her.

As far as Chayton's treatment, today has been quite hectic. The car had to be fixed. $600 whammey! Then we were off to the doc. There was really no news today.

It was not a "great" day, though. I had higher expectations. Chayton, for the first time, had a problem with his red line. It seems to have a blockage problem. I don't know why it's doing this...but it is starting to anger me.

They are talking about finding us an apartment to stay in while we are here, closer to the facility. I guess there was a woman who was saved by this doctor and now would like to give something back, so she lets people stay in an apartment without charge. I don't know if we will get one or not, but they are looking into it.

Not seeing my babies is just about killing me right now. I am so sorry, you two. Mommy and Daddy love you more than you will ever understand and we can hardly wait to see you again. We will be calling in the next few minutes, so I have to be going.

Thank you all for all you do. Thanks for the support and everything. We appreciate every little bit! Gatlin and Ashley: Remember MADLY for always. Next time we have to come out here, you two will probably be along. It is awful without hearing your voices and seeing your faces on this Friday evening. Mom and Dad love you and Chayton REALLY misses you both.

Thursday, November 08, 2001 at 08:20PM (CST)

First of all, I would like to ask everyone to pray for Sarah Colby. She just found out that the rhabdoid tumor is back in her brain, and has spread through her spinal column. This is devastating news, but you all know how we believe in the power of miracles, right?!? There is a chance that with the help of even strangers, a miracle can find this precious little girl! Thank you, Lisa, for letting me know what is going on with Sarah. Sarah's web-page can be found on the Rhabdoid Kids Page. Please check it out if you get the chance.

As far as Chayton is concerned. I had to ask myself over and over again if we were doing the right thing by coming here. I think we are, but I see what some of the patients look like out here, (adult) and I feel awful that Chay could look like that one day. I don't know that, but the thought alone just about kills me.

Today, Chayton just started his treatment. This is some wild stuff. He has to be hooked up almost all the time. He can have a break every 3 hours if he wants one, but then you have more to do. (Reconnecting the tubes, etc.)

Dr. Burzynski and his team are very hopeful. They have already had success with rhabdoid children. Although, they admit to losing rhabdoid children, as well. They have reviewed Chayton's records, what was sent to him, and feel that Chayton has a VERY GOOD CHANCE! Actually, excellent was the word they used, but the more I say it, the more it sounds like an oxy-moron when used to describe treatment with rhabdoid. Nothing is excellent. Or so, it seems. Prove me wrong. Because if he survives, that is EXCELLENT!

We miss the kids sooooo much. It hurts to even think about it, because right now, with the schedule so tight, we don't get the opportunity to communicate much with anyone. We check our e-mail and the pages when we get the chance. Tonight we got to call home and see how they were doing, and it sounds great. We briefly were able to talk to Gatlin. He said Ashley is excited for Chayton and he is, too. He would like to be a scientist when he grows up! That way, he can help the doctors. At least, that's what he told Daddy.

I wanted to kiss the doctor today. He gave me the best news I could have imagined. He didn't say how much, exactly, but he said Chayton has A LOT more time than we thought! And there is plenty of time to get the treatment into him.

His meds were changed. He is now on Decadron IV (Dexamethasone). It was oral, but now he will need it more. There are two meds going in. One will break the tumor to bits, and the other will kill the tumor. They cause the tumor to swell, so this is why they need the IV going in. He has to have it every 6 hours. We have to monitor his intake with output, give meds, give treatment, do labs, measure intensity of headaches, and other things that we haven't learned about, yet. Kinda makes you wonder if WE should be on the payroll! Just kidding. If this allows Chayton to be with us here on Earth, it's worth every red cent!

I hope to hear from you all, sooner or later. Right now, we know that many people were VERY against us bringing our son here, but if you were in our shoes, it would be your choice. Fortunately, or hopefully, you are not. In a way, the way people talk about it, it makes us feel...different. Unsure... I can't describe it, but I can tell you, we still are glad we came. What if this works and saves our son? We know what the results will be without this treatment. And now that we were given new direction, new hope, we are holding on for dear life. Is that so wrong? If it is, I don't know what to say. Because if this does work, how can I feel bad about coming here? Same goes for if it doesn't. We were taught to not quit! Not to give up! If we were going to leave it the way it was, that decision would have had to been followed through BEFORE we talked to these doctors.

I will be completely honest, we were prepared for the worst, for the most part. I think that helped us, as well. We know what we are looking at on both sides of the fence!

Sorry for going on and on and on......Thank you all for the support. Thanks for praying for Sarah as well...and thank you all for the 8:30-9:00 prayers for Chayton! We appreciate it! Dawn, Darrell and Chayton.

KIDS: We love and miss you very much! Remember MADLY for always! Hope to talk to you or see you very soon! Mommy and Daddy...P.S. Chayton loves and misses you, too. Today on the way back here, on the freeway, he was calling out your names and laughing. We have NO clue what was so funny, but he thought something sure was! Love you two! Have a good day in school, and good luck...tomorrow is parent-teacher conferences....hope you get good reports! I'm sure you will if you both enjoy school! Keep up the good work and we'll see you soon, we hope. :)

Thursday, November 08, 2001 at 10:13 AM (CST)

Yesterday was a day of big emotions. I pray that these people can save our baby. It's just a real bummer that the costs are so high, and that they seem to want the money right off the bat. Yesterday, they did a small breakdown for us...WOWZA! And now, before we leave, they want the $7200 for next month already! MAN! We are going to do what we have to do.

Chayton is no longer allowed to have any salt, as it has alot to do with the side-effects. Other than that, there shouldn't be any. They have saved more than one rhabdoid child on this treatment, and said that we would know if it is the key within 2 months.

Chayton will start his treatment today at 1:00. It starts at 4 hours/session. They said we will be here for 3 to 3.5 weeks. That is a bit longer than we expected, but if it is going to save Chay, who cares?

There is more to tell, but I will try to do that later, this afternoon, or early evening, as we have to go get the car checked out. The transmission is faultering. Just what we need, out here, no credit card or emergency back up.

Thanks for everything...Gotta run...Gatlin and Ashley, when we get back, in about 3 to 3.5 weeks, we are having Chayton's X-mas early, so be ready. And he misses you very much.

Talk and update as soon as I can. Please pray for Sarah Colby. Dawn

Wednesday, November 07, 2001 at 10:38 AM (CST)

Hi Y'all!

This is Dawn's cousin, Janelle, from Houston, TX. She wanted me to update this website to let everyone know that they made it here this morning at around 9:30. They were so tired, but Chayton was smiling and loved playing with my kids while Dawn showered. They are on their way to their appointment at 11:00 and when they know something, she promised to update everyone. Keep checking back often and thank you for your prayers.

Monday, November 05, 2001 at 07:15 PM (CST)

Well, we're off. Wish us luck! Thank you all. There is something that I would like to share before I go. I got an awesome e-mail from someone special. I have never met this someone special, but I know they are because of the hope they just sent us.

Tess was a precious eight your old when she heard her Mom and Dad talking about her little brother, Andrew. All she knew was that he was very sick and they were completely out of money.

They were moving to an apartment complex next month because daddy didn't have the money for the doctor's bills and our house. Only very costly surgery could save him now and it was looking like there was no-one to loan them the money.

She heard daddy say to her tearful mom with whispered desperation, "Only a miracle can save him now".

Tess went to her bedroom and pulled a glass jelly jar from it's hiding place in the closet. She poured all the change out on the floor and counted it carefully. Three times even. The total had to be exactly perfect. No chance here for mistakes. Carefully placing the coins back in the jar and twisting on the cap, she slipped out the back door and made her way six blocks to Rexall's Drug Store with the big red indian chief sign above the door.

She waited patiently for the pharmacist to give her some attention, but he was too busy at this moment. Tess twisted her feet to make a scuffing noise, but still nothing. She cleared her throat with the most disgusting sound she could muster. No good. Finally, she took a quarter from her jar and banged it on the glass counter. That did it! "And what do you want?", the pharmacist asked in an annoyed tone of voice. "I'm talking to my brother from Chicago whom I haven't seen in ages." he said. Without waiting for a reply to his question. "Well, I want to talk to you about my brother." Tess answered back in the same annoyed tone. "He's really, really sick and I want to buy a miracle."

"I beg your pardon?" said the pharmacist.

"His name is Andrew and he has something bad growing inside his head and my Daddy says only a miracle can save him now. So how much does a miracle cost?"

"We don't sell miracles here, little girl. I'm sorry but I can't help you." the pharmacist said, softening a little.

"Listen, I have the money to pay for it. If it isn't enough, I will get the rest. Just tell me how much it costs."

The pharmacist's brother was a well dressed man. He stooped down and asked the little girl, "What kind of miracle does your brother need?"

"I don't know," Tess replied with her eyes welling up. "I just know he's really sick and Mommy says he needs an operation. But my Daddy can't pay for it, so I want to use my money."

"How much do you have?" asked the man from Chicago.

"One dollar and eleven cents", Tess answered barely audible, "and it's all the money I have, but I can get some more if I need to."

"Well, what a coincidence," smiled the man. "A dollar and eleven cents--the exact price of a miracle for little brothers."

He took her money in one hand and with the other hand he grasped her mitten and said, "take me to where you live. I want to see your brother and meet your parents. Let's see if I have the kind of miracle you need."

That well dressed man was Dr. Carlton Armstrong, a surgeon, specializing in neuro-surgery. The operation was completed without charge and it wasn't long until Andrew was home and doing well.

Mom and Dad were happily talking about the chain of events that had led them to this place. "That surgery", her Mom whispered, "was a real miracle. I wonder how much it would have cost?"

Tess smiled. She knew exactly how much a miracle cost...one dollar and eleven cents...plus the faith of a little child.

A miracle is not the suspension of natural law, but the operation of a higher law. (A TRUE STORY!!!)

Thanks again to the person who sent the e-mail. It gave us a new hope...that not only a miracle from God will come, but a miracle from mankind! Believe me, we need any kind of miracle we can get at this point.

It's 5 to 8 and we have to stop at Dad's to see the kids and Mom's to drop off their coats...then head for Texas. I will do my best to keep in touch. If I can't update, I will call someone to do it for me. Thank you all and remember the nightly prayer thing. Thanks again and wish us well. Dawn, Darrell and Chayton.

Gatlin and Ashley: WE LOVE YOU!!!!!!

Monday, November 05, 2001 at 12:07 PM (CST)

I know I have already updated this morning, but I have more news, and it's pretty important!

We called the Burzynski Clinic this morning, and I spoke with the Patient Coordinator Supervisor, Lisa Adams. She gave me her direct fax line to have Children's fax Chayton's information directly to her, and she will take it to the doctor immediately and have it looked over. We should know yet today if Chay will be accepted. YEAH!!! And she set up an appointment for Wednesday morning for him. We have to be there by 11am. Things are starting to roll, but emotions are high and starting over, again.

Darrell went to the bank to see if we could borrow the $16,200. They said they thought we could, if he is accepted, we just have to stop up there. We don't know what the interest rate will be at this point, but we really don't care if it will save our son!

I had to order supplies again, so if we go, Chay will have all the stuff he needs. This time, it was just the flush for his lines, alcohol, benzodine, alcohol prep pads, tegaderm, syringes, caps for the lines and a sharps container.

We will try our best to keep you informed. Wish us luck and please keep Chayton in your prayers, and close to your heart. Thank you so much. Dawn, Darrell and Chayton.

Kids: Remember MADLY because mommy and daddy love you so much. We will talk to you soon. We will still try to call you every night. Love you both and miss you much. Chayton will be back and playing with you in no time, we hope. LOVE YOU!!!!!!!! mommy and daddy and Moagly

Monday, November 05, 2001 at 08:55 AM (CST)

Great news!!! For us, anyway. About 3 days ago, Chayton had what looked like bruises on his eyebrows. Now it is obvious, Chayton is getting his hair back...AND IT'S DARK! (On his eyebrows, anyway). The top of his head is lighter, but it's like a plush. He's so soft.

Last night he played and laughed so hard with daddy and Tim, and I got everything on tape! Thank you Grandpa and Grandma for loaning us your camcorder to get these special moments on tape, to have forever.

Daddy would tell Chay, "I'm gonna get you" and Chayton would laugh and start to try to get away. Then Tim would hit the floor and Chay would scream and truck across the floor as fast as he could, laughing the whole way. He loves to get excited.

We are waiting for replies from others to see if we can possibly get some money to take him to Texas. According to the doctors in the cities, Chay is down to 2 weeks to 7 weeks. We are NOT giving up, but our hands seem to be tied at this point. A horrible feeling.

It's easy to be a parent, but quite a bit more goes into being a daddy or mommy. We have learned that through all of this. We are blessed to have Chayton, Gatlin and Ashley in our lives. We are more blessed to know them and have them know us. We don't know where our lives would be without them. They teach us everyday. Chayton is sooo young, and he has taught us more than life in general! This little boy is a fighter from the word go!

Thank you all who said you would pray between 8:30 and 9:00 in the evening. The power of prayer is AWESOME, and hopefully Chay will be touched with healing hands.

Two nights ago, he held his head where he had surgery and said OUGH. He did it two or three times since then. Our little man is trying to tell us something, beyond ough, and we don't know if it hurts inside, outside, the tumor is growing, or he just knows that he was operated on in that spot.

Thanks for everything. We appreciate it. Dawn, Darrell and gorgeous Chayton Hunter.

Kids: Have a good day and remember MADLY!

Saturday, November 03, 2001 at 05:15 PM (CST)

We made it home! Home sweet home! Got back last night. It was a nice ride home. The kids and mommy napped while Daddy drove. Quite a bit of the way, Gatlin kept Daddy company.

We are still looking into the Burzynski Clinic in Houston, Texas. We are also looking into different ways to fund the treatment. We don't know exactly where to start, but we are doing the best we can do. It seems as though our hands are tied at this point.

As I have told you before, Chayton looks well and seems to be comfortable. He has his bad times, though. (Usually between 2 and 5 in the morning). We do what we can to make him feel better. Sometimes, we are successful, others, not so fortunate. For the most part, he knows most definately that he is loved.

We have been doing alot of talking lately. One thing that sticks out is when the nightmare began. It was July 18th, 2001. Chayton climbed on the endtable. He was standing on it, and yelled to me, MOM! He was so proud of himself. I will NEVER forget that! I said, "Chayton Hunter, you sit down right now!" and the good listener that he is, he did just what I said. Chayton fell off backwards. I didn't see him hit his head, but we knew something was definately wrong by the way he was acting. He screamed and eventually quit using his right side...after the 2nd trip to the dr., I was told that there was something in Chayton's head approx. the size of an orange. July 25th, the tumor was removed. Following that, we were informed the tumor was a rare and aggressive form of cancer. The doctors told us that we would learn alot about cancer, counts, treatments, etc. I didn't want to know a damn thing about it. The way I saw it, they had to be wrong! Not our baby. (I'm sure that's what every parent thinks). I was afraid if I learned all this stuff, I would be part of this group that I didn't want to be associated with. Simply because of the life-threatening factor. Boy, were they right! I have learned everything they said I would, and then some. I draw his labs, check his counts, administer his meds and IV's, flush the lines of his Med Comp Hickman Catheter, and am well aware of his condition at all times. Darrell is right behind me. He knows quite a bit of what is going on, but instead of mixing meds, drawing labs, and all that, he is Chayton's personal medicine. He keeps him happy and comfortable so I can do my job.

We talk about things that people take for granted. Nobody wants to admit they take their children for granted, yet some people know that it's a reality. To give you a clue, picture yourself at Toys R Us. It's a nice day, and the kids are not along, so you don't have to hide anything from them. They are taken care of, and you don't have any specific time to be back. Now picture yourself finding the "ideal" toy! It is the best thing you have ever seen. It is a little costly. At least $30 more than what you wanted to spend, so you decide not to. Then you realize, you will never get it again for as cheap as it is, because it is on sale, now. You know your child will love this as a gift! The next step is thinking that your child may not even make it to Christmas. You know that something terrible could happen to your sweet baby at any time. Then you ask yourself, this is a rather large toy, what will I do with it if he doesn't make it? I wouldn't want to give it away, once I see how happy it makes him. Will I keep it, along with everything else? What is the point? To spend all this money and only get a short time watching them enjoy it. The answer to that...when you get back to your child, you look at their beautiful smile, gorgeous face, and perfection as a whole, THAT'S THE POINT! Anything to make your baby happy! But when you are there, it's hard. Your emotions run away, and they only come back when they want to, not when you want them to! Please, take the time to love your children. If you can afford to, take a weekend day...an hour, and do something with them, just you and them. Get pictures, and write down your thoughts and memories of that day, that time you shared. Really, 5 years down the road, even if things don't go as nicely as you'd like, you won't be sorry.

Darrell and I both wish we could turn back the clock. Unfortunately, that is not an option. Neither one of us knows for sure what we would do, but the ideas are awesome.

Another thing I would like to run by you all, Chayton goes to bed everynight between 8:30 and 9:00. The thought is, since everyone keeps him in their thoughts and prayers, to dedicate that half hour, every night at this same time, to say a prayer for Chayton. I know that it sounds a little unrealistic, but Darrell and I do it, so we thought we could include anyone else who is interrested, and maybe that will help Chayton. Who knows.

Thank you all for your support and prayers. We appreciate all that has been done, is being done, and will be done on Chayton's behalf.

Please sign the guestbook, and check on the kids. Their link is at the bottom of the page. Thanks again, Dawn, Darrell and Chayton Hunter Anderson.

Thursday, November 01, 2001 at 09:01 PM (CST)

We stayed at Grandma and Grandpa Kraft's with Gatlin and Ashley last night. That was fun. We had a blast. Chayton went trick or treating, too. We only took him to 3 houses, and he had a half a bucket full of candy. Gatlin and Ashley went several blocks. Oh, the endurance! No candy out there was going to escape their grabby little nabbers!

Chayton had a rough night last night again. His meds were tearing his stomach up inside. He just stretched and screamed. We had all we could do to just hold on to him. We finally had to lay him on the floor and try to hold him down. That was hard for even us to see. One would think that after all we have seen him go through, it would just be "another thing", but it's not like that at all. Especailly when there is nothing you can really do for him. Finally, after trying to get him to drink milk, I had to fill a syringe, several times, while daddy held him stable, when I gave it to him. That helped, but it wasn't immediate relief. Even Grandma and Grandpa were at a loss.

Abby loved to see Chayton. If you ask Chayton what Abby says, he yips and grins. He loves Abby. Even for as wound up as his siblings get her!!!!!

Ashley asked me to braid her hair...I asked her, "would you like me to braid your hair?" So innocently, she replied, "sure, you can braid my hair if you want to!" That was so cute. Then when I was done, she asked what I did. I told her I french braided it. She was like, I thought you would do 2 braids, not one crooked one! (the hair tie pulled the bottom off to one side).

Gatlin asked daddy for a REAL gun today, so he could go deer hunting. Daddy told him he already had one. He was like, one that you will let me shoot! Daddy explained that he has to wait and go through hunter's safety courses, first, like mommy and daddy had to do when we were younger. The reason he wants a gun is so Grandpa won't accidently wreck his cars, anymore! (G'pa hit a deer 2 years ago when Ashley was down here for the weekend, and she called and told Gatlin right away, what had happened.)

We are going to have a family Christmas for Chayton soon. I guess I don't have any new information for you. We are still checking into Texas, but the financing is what is holding us up. Nobody wants to lose Chayton, especially not us, so we have to continue to research every available option known to us, and fight for him. I'm sure no matter what the outcome, we will feel at least at peace with ourselves if we feel that we have done everything that we can.

We would like to thank you all for the support. The guestbook shows it, but we also get phone calls, cards and prayers on Chayton's behalf. Thank you. You ARE our support system. Love, Dawn, Darrell, Gatlin, Ashley and Chayton Hunter Anderson

P.S. Chayton still hasn't given up. And who ever put the song for Dawson in Chayton's guestbook, thank you. It has a touch that you can't get anywhere else. We appreciate that being sent for Chayton to see.

Tuesday, October 30, 2001 at 11:11 PM (CST)

Today's MRI had it's pro's and con's. We arrived home only a couple of hours ago. (At most). Darrell and I have alot to talk about tonight. We appreciate all the support out there, and truly hope that it continues. We need it. Believe me!

Chayton's MRI today gave us a new outlook. Not exactly the one we were hoping for. I don't know at this moment if we will be going to the Burzynski Clinic in Texas. That was a thought, or rather, the plan. After what we learned today, in more than one aspect, the option may no longer be...we have to re-evaluate EVERYTHING!

I spoke with a woman on the telephone this morning. She wanted to discuss the costs and payment arrangements. I thought, what the heck...we'll be so far in debt, but who can put a price on Chayton's life? Relocating would be easy, getting him care would be reasonable, giving up our home, etc. would be worth his life. MOST DEFINATELY! Gatlin and Ashley would meet new people, and who knows, maybe we wouldn't have to relocate at all. Then she told me that in order for them to see Chayton, we would have to come up with $16,200. right off the top. Then, every month requires a "deposit" of $7,200. That is because treatment could and most likely would go above and beyond that. The downfall is that all of this is upfront! They will stop treatment if we cannot come up with the funds. Where in God's green earth are we going to come up with that? (That was my initial thought). Then I broke. What next? I'm afraid to ask. I was afraid to tell Darrell, as I thought he would be as upset and hurt as I. Darrell, being the awesome man that he is, just said, "don't worry, where there is a will, there is a way!" Then I put my fears aside to focus on the rest of the day.

Chayton had his MRI pretty much on schedule. It took a little longer than we thought, but it went on time, so it wasn't much of a set back. During the time he was in getting the MRI done, we talked to one of his nurses, Sylvia. Did you ever run across someone that very well may be in the wrong line of business? Maybe she isn't, but she would be an awesome counselor for families with "terminally ill" children! She was great. We are desperate and extremely vulnerable as we have been since this mess started. (As I am sure you are ALL aware of). She talked to us about thinking more clearly with Chayton's best interest in mind. We are so thankful. She knows more about Burzynski than I thought anyone in the area did. He is a very contriversial man, and he can say what he wants, but where is the proof, for all this money? So tomorrow, we are on a mission to find that proof!

Just before Chayton came out, another woman came out and asked whether or not Chayton had radiation. I told her no, but questioned why she had even asked, and she wouldn't give any information, as usual. We later learned that the swelling can sometimes occur after radiation. (We waited longer to hear that than you did, believe me!).

Chayton's MRI revealed the growth of the new tumor, as we already knew. Only, not as much as we thought. Just a tad bigger than a golf ball. Although, it is in a bad location, and is more-so in the shape of a piece of broccoli. It has a head, shaft and small mass on the bottom. Dr. Bendle, Dawn (her assistant), and Therese O'Fallen (Dr. Nagib's assistant) came to talk to us. The news was not good, no matter how you look at it. Therese said that even if he were to go in, the chance of losing Chayton on the operating table is higher, and if that didn't happen, there is a greater chance of him not getting all of it because of the shape and position. If it would break off, and they didn't get all of it, by the time Chayton recovered, he would be in worse shape than he is now, if not gone, because it would have all that time to grow back, again. NOW WHAT?!?

We did talk to them about how we felt, as well. Again, we are glad we did. We felt as though they had given up on him, and they assured us that was NOT the case at all. Dr. Bendle explained a few things to us, to help us better understand the circumstances. For one, before they can do anything with an MRI, Chayton has to be in the clear from chemo. He just had some at the beginning of the month, and it is still in his system. Also, if they didn't have to do an MRI, they would rather wait until he is more in the clear to have something done if that would be the case. Otherwise, doing more than one gets more dangerous every time. There is always the chance that Chayton could quit breathing because of the meds they use to put him under. Today, they informed us, he was more at risk than ever of respiratory failure, or not waking up. These things put other issues into perspective. We were also encouraged to call anytime for anything. That was more comforting. I wish we would have had this talk 3-6 weeks ago.

To make a long story even longer, (just kidding). To make it short and to the point, Darrell and I have alot to discuss tonight before they call tomorrow for what we would like to do. They told us that they feel, no matter what, Chayton only has 3 weeks to 2 months left with us here. They feel that we should enjoy this life with him and prepare him for his next life. Ouch! My heart hurts. Darrell's too, as well as the other two blessings we have. They said if he made it until Christmas, he would be more than lucky. It's hard to believe...I don't think we can believe it at this point.

The goal is to see what's out there. Maybe Burzynski can help, maybe someone else can, and maybe it is just up to God. He wants Chayton bad...but I wish he would let us keep him. We need him! God is powerful, how do we fight that?!? 3 weeks is NOT long enough! No matter how we look at it. 5 years is not long enough.

I should go...thank you all for all the support. As I stated above, we need it. Love and blessings you, Dawn, Darrell and family.

P.S. There have been several people who said I had the ability to write well. I am putting it to use, and my husband and I are writing a book for Chayton. Hope someday it will be a success, if not, it will be to us, just as he is...NO MATTER WHAT THE OUTCOME!

Tuesday, October 30, 2001 at 06:45 AM (CST)

Good morning to all. Yesterday was not a very good day at all. We went to Minneapolis for my Great Aunt's funeral. She passed away last Thursday from cancer. (brain tumors). The plan was to attend the veiwing, funeral, then go to Children's to obtain a copy of Chayton's medical records.

Chayton woke up yesterday all puffy and swollen. We figured it would go down, which for the most part did. He is always stiff in the morning, but yesterday, he couldn't walk or talk. Again, we thought he would pull out of it. Unfortunately, he did not. We were at the veiwing when we decided to take him to the hospital. That way they could determine what the problem was, or at least try.

I think they thought we were over-reacting, until they offered a CT scan to make US feel more comfortable. We opted to do that. The CT revealed the new tumor had continued growing. It is currently the size of a lemon. There is some question about the area around the tumor. It could be swelling, or they fear, fluid or blood. The mass around the tumor with the tumor included makes the entire area approx. the size of a small grapefruit. That is rather large in the head of a 17 month old.

We have to be back up there today for the MRI that couldn't be done before...they got him in as soon as they saw the tumor. Thank God we don't have to wait another week or two. The MRI will look at his brain and spine.

Following the results of the MRI, we will counsel with the doctors to see what they think. Also, we may have it removed and as soon as he recovers, leave for Texas for treatment. If Dr. Nagib will do the surgery, again.

We had planned to leave yesterday for Texas, but when Chayton was acting that way, we knew he probably wouldn't have made it out there in comfort, no matter what we tried to do.

He is on Tylenol and some other thing to make him sleep. It didn't work. Today they are going to try Tylenol with Codiene. If that doesn't work...Morphine.

The other two children know what is going on. We let them know as soon as we got home. Either of us could talk about it yesterday, and do fairly well, until talking to the children. They are so full of knowledge about Chayton and his condition, and so very hopeful...it makes it a million times more difficult to talk to them and make them aware of his condition. They immediately went into "save Chayton" mode. They are good at that. They think, and concentrate on what to do to try to save Chayton.

I don't know what we will find out today, exactly, but I do know we should learn something. Please, pray that nothing has spread. If it has, the fight is over. If not, there is a chance alternative medicine can kick rhabdoid's ***! Thank you all for your support. Emotionally, Mentally, Spiritually, Physically and Financially. We very much appreciate it all. Thank you! Love, Dawn, Darrell, Gatlin, Ashley and Chayton. :)

P.S. When I talked to the kids, they said they had an awesome time at the play!

Saturday, October 27, 2001 at 07:28 PM (CDT)

Well, we are still waiting for the phone call from the doctor saying when Chayton's next MRI will be. We don't know what the hold up is, but we do know that we are not about to sit back and just let time pass us by, especially when it is so crucial! We will let you know as soon as we learn something.

The kids are here. YEAH! We went on the hayride. It was a blast! There were quite a few people there. The hayride was pretty long, which was nice. The kids all got to see the cows, close up. They also got to see a combine working...close up. No more than 10 feet away. Chayton was getting cold, but he still had fun.

Where do you find winter coats for little boys? Just kidding. We went to about 5 or 6 different stores today to find one for Gatlin...NOTHING! And Grandma and Grandpa looked down there for about a week and there was nothing. We finally found something at JC PENNY'S on sale...Yahoo!!! It only took 1 time to find something for Ashley. Boys are just harder.

Chayton was quite cranky today, but he also hasn't had any good sleep in days. He is up through out the night often. We don't know if it is from one of the meds, or something else going on. He is usually very tired from the meds...which is a side-effect.

To leave you with a warm thought...a big, bulky sweater, fitting knit pants, warm wolly socks, cozy on the couch, fire place lit, a cup of steaming hot cocoa, and last but not least, a wintery movie on tv as the winds pick up outdoors...kinda makes you all warm and fuzzy inside, don't it?!? That helps take away the winter chills.

Thank you all for the support and care. We appreciate everything. Love, Dawn, Darrell, Gatlin, Ashley and Chayton Hunter Anderson :) (The tightest family you may ever meet!) Thanks again!

Thursday, October 25, 2001 at 11:46 AM (CDT)

Got yet another call today, asking us to cancel his appointment for this Friday. Okay. Just be sure to reschedule us. SOON! She will get back to us again, later today.

Chayton has been taking his meds a little better the last couple days. Mommy's bright idea to mix some with orange sherbet ice cream for some, and Daddy's bright idea to mash bananas and mix some in with that. Seems to be doing the trick...for now.

During Chayton's morning bath, he was soooo funny. I asked where his toes were, and he bent right in half, wiggling them and he grabbed them. Then I asked about his fingers and he looked at them and wiggled them. Last, but best of all, I asked were was his nose, and he scrunched it up and was breathing heavily through it as if he was blowing it into NOTHING! It was soooo funny.

He knows how cool he is. We tell him quite often! There is nothing in this world we love more than our children and eachother.

The kids seem to be doing well. Remember Benjaman? We talked to his mommy, Stacy, lastnight, and he is doing great! Gaining weight and everything. She, unfortunately, has been ill, so she is limited on how close she can be to her precious son.

Sarah's little girl, Cassandra, also seems to be doing great. Cassandra gets to come home November 8th, tenatively. That's great news. That little girl has spent the majority of her life in the hospital....can't wait to see you at home, Cassandra!

Thank you all for checking on Chay. We just might take up that offer in Texas...a place to stay. We will have to see what they say about Chayton's condition and what they can do for him. Thank you VERY MUCH! Love, Dawn, Darrell and Chayton:)

Wednesday, October 24, 2001 at 01:04 PM (CDT)

I have tried for at least 3 hours to set up a webpage for Gatlin and Ashley to communicate, as well, and was WAY more than UNSUCCESSFUL! So I set them up on caringbridge, as it is for keeping everyone aware due to illness. The link is on the bottom of this page. They also have an e-mail address so you can e-mail them. That is on the bottom of their page. This way, grandpa and grandma can keep everyone, especially mommy and daddy informed on how they are doing.

As for Chayton, there really hasn't been much that has changed from yesterday. He's not crying or screaming anymore, he's whining alot, though.

His MRI was moved up. They called and said that November 9th was booked up and the best they could do was November 16th. AHHH!!! I don't think so...You better do better than that!!! So she said she could squeeze him in this Friday. I said good enough...and then I got the call. It's way to soon to have another one done. They will try to get him in sooner...and here comes the guilt. "I will beg and plead and see if they will squeeze him in." Then we were asked if we would mind going to Children's Hospital in St. Paul. Um, NOPE! As long as it gets done, otherwise, we can see if our family doctor can do one. That seemed to be okay. I'm sorry, but we cannot wait forever...look how much time was already wasted! We don't have much left if they think he will be gone in 2-4 months.

We still can't believe that what they say could be true. It's hard to believe, and what parent wants to?

To an entry in the guestbook, Chayton is already on IP-6, we don't know if it is working, but we sure hope so! Thank you for the input. New ideas are MORE THAN WELCOME! And to the other entry...Chayton has a fund set up. Donations go to the Chayton Anderson Benefit Fund, P.O.Box R, c/o Winthrop State Bank, Winthrop, MN 55396. Thank you for asking. We appreciate it.

I don't have much else to say, as it is time to clean the house. IT NEEDS IT! It's not filthy, but it surely needs a face lift if you know what I mean! Busy, busy, busy!

Thank you for all the support! Love, Dawn, Darrell and Chayton:)

Tuesday, October 23, 2001 at 01:31 PM (CDT)

Hello, again. Thank you all for signing the guestbook. Because an entry in the guestbook...we talked to the doctor and now have been given a choice of a G-tube or an NG-tube. We do think the less surgeries Chayton has to endure, the better. Thank you, Colleen!

I'm sure you are curious of Chayton's lab results. His WBC was 2.9, Hemoglobin 8.5, and Platelets were a whopping 179,000! He is in good shape, yet. However, there was some concern this morning, as one of his lines (Hickman) was full of blood, and his nose bled this morning. Apparently, the line is okay, it hadn't clotted, and as for the nose, dry air is what we were told. That was such a relief.

Chayton has been acting very strange, lately. Some people would chalk it up as his age, but we disagree. He is always throwing things away...(which I think is what happened to my wallet a week or so ago...we will probably never know:)) and lately, when he throws something away, he digs other stuff out. He also walks and stumbles all over the place. Seemingly disoriented. He cries and screams for little or no reason. We don't know what to make of it, and are currently waiting for a call back from the doctor. Possibly the meds he is on. We don't know if he is in pain or what is going on. Wish we did.

We checked into the Burzynski Cancer Clinic again and we are checking on a place in Duarte, CA...again, due to guestbook entries and e-mails...thank you! We believe the doctors may have made a mistake when they stopped his chemo. Today when I talked to them, there was a slight admission to possibly overlooking a few things...but nothing concrete. We will always fight it, though. Somewhere, someone can help him and all the others without long-term effects. Maybe they don't know it yet, but somewhere out there, there has to be a CHANCE!

Gatlin and Ashley both met McGruff, The Crime Fighting Dog in school, yesterday. Gatlin was also chosen as a Fire Fighter in his class at school, he said. That is so neat! He was just thrilled. Ashley said yesterday was "ribbon day" for the entire school, today is "cap day", and tomorrow they get to wear their clothes backwards! She was so excited about that. She was like...Clothes backwards! My mom would freak! And she kept asking if I was "totally freaked out". They are only in Kindergarten. The slang they have developed is outrageously adorable!

When I learn something this afternoon, I will post it, otherwise tomorrow. Thank you for the ongoing support and please, continue to pray for all the rhabdoid kids. For Chayton, we are forever grateful.

Oh, and just a quick note. For those who continue to ask about the fundraisers...they are because we can't afford all of Chayton's treatment. If he goes to Texas...it's ALL out of pocket. Hope I answered your questions to some degree. We are also forever thankful to all of you for the donations and fundraisers. Love you all, Dawn, Darrell, Gatlin, Ashley and Chayton Anderson.

P.S. Thank you, Janet, for the e-mail...we are still looking into it.

Sunday, October 21, 2001 at 02:15 PM (CDT)

I may never see tomorrow; There's no written guarentee.
And things that happened yesterday belong to history.

I cannot predict the future, and I cannot change the past.
I have just the present moment; I must treat it as my last.

I must use this moment wisely for it will soon pass away.
And will be lost to me forever as part of yesterday.

I must exercise compassion, help the fallen to their feet.
Be a friend to the friendless, make an empty life complete.

I must make this moment precious, for it will never come again.
And I can never be content with the things that might have been.

Kind words I fail to say this day may ever be unsaid.
For I know not how short may be the path that lies ahead.

The unkind things I do today, may never be undone.
And friendships that I fail to win, may nevermore be won.

I may not have another chance on bended knee to pray and
thank my God with humble heart for giving me this day.

I may never see tomorrow, but this moment is my own.
It's mine to cast aside, the choice is mine alone.

I have just this precious moment in the sunlight of today.
Where the dawning of tomorrow, meets the dusk of yesterday.

Author Unknown

Hello! I felt I needed something to think about, so why not share. This poem is one that my Aunt recieved when fighting her battle with cancerous brain tumors. She didn't have rhabdoid...but it was a monster. My step-mom shared it with me, and I am sharing it with you.

We talked to the doc. lastnight. Not Chay's primary, but one who works by her side, at times. He suggested we get a feeding tube to medicate Chayton. He is not taking the meds well. He gets very angry and always seems to literally choke it down. He said this way, Chayton will be able to eat when he wants to, and if not, gain nourishment through the G-tube, as well as hydrated and medicated.

We don't know this for a fact and would like to talk to Chayton's doctor again, but we were thinking that maybe they were wrong when they said this tumor could not have grown back in the three weeks between removal and chemotherapy. There was never a scan done in that time, but they told us there was no way it could have grown back in that short amount of time. Unfortunately, we have been told differently. It most certainly can grow back overnight, literally! It has happened!

Chayton is currently on Vioxx for inflamation, Dilantin for seizures, Temazolimide which is chemo (not presently on it...5 day treatment...he has 19 days to go to get back on it), Thalidimide to stop blood vessels from growing (tumor), IP-6 and inositol to mature the cells (which in turn kills them off) and shrink the tumor, Bactrim (antibiotic) to make sure he doesn't get any infections, Albuterol (nebulizer treatment) for asthma, and Tylenol for pain. This is the main list. He does have more, but we don't work with them as closely.

I will draw his labs and take them into the Hutchinson Medical Center in the morning. Hopefully his counts will still be up. Otherwise, the GCSF that he gets at home through IV is very painful.

We also learned that there are 200 patients world-wide with rhabdoid tumors. I don't know if they are all brain or some are kidney. Along with this info, each and every survivor recieved radiation. There is not 1 without it! The only thing is, the long term severe effects of radiation. We just want our son to survive and be happy and healthy.

Gatlin and Ashley watched The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown. They really enjoyed it. I remember watching that when I was a little yard monkey. Daddy even said he liked it...remembering the good ol' days!

We took more pictures today. Filled an entire roll of film in like a half hour. We changed clothes and everything. And in the end, got the kids and some with us in leaves outside. The very last few photos were my favorites...Grandma had the 3 kids in the car...her and the older 2 in the passenger seat, and Chayton behind the wheel...and the very last picture...My Thelma and Louise! Gatlin and Ashley in the car all alone, with shades on, like they were driving away. Crazy!

I don't know what else to say. Oh, just in case you were wondering about Kylee and Steph, they are home and doing well. They still need rest and all, but they had angels riding with them!

Love you all, and thank you for all the support. Dawn, Darrell, Gatlin, Ashley and Chayton Hunter Anderson :)

Saturday, October 20, 2001 at 11:25 AM (CDT)

I have already updated, but this is a quick URGENT note to ask you all to pray for Kylee Messner and Stephanie Keop. They are Chayton's babysitters. Last night they wanted to take Colleen and I out rollerskating. Colleen's daughter was celebrating her 21st birthday so she couldn't go, and the kids were home, so I couldn't go.

Last night, Kylee and Steph went out, anyway. There was a terrible accident and they were hit by a semi. They are in the New Ulm Medical Center, and they had angels in there car. They are both alive and able to talk! Miracles happen everyday...they lived one. Please, pray for them for a quick recovery.

You may recognize the names, as they along with me, are Chayton's primary blood donors. Please pray for them! Thank you all...and the last entry, if you didn't see it is in the history pages. Thank you all, Love, Dawn, Darrell, Gatlin, Ashley and Chayton Anderson:)

Friday, October 19, 2001 at 11:04 PM (CDT)

I have to let you all in on something. It will hopefully make you smile! :) Daddy had a few friends over lastnight and they were in the kitchen talking. Somehow, Daddy got on the "The MAN" subject. He was only teasing, but saying he was the man. He said it a couple times before turning to Chayton and saying, "I'm the man! Chayton, whose the man?" Without hesitation, proud as you please, our 17 month old Chayton replied, "ME!" (Take that, Daddy:)) Thought it would be worth while sharing. I hope you agree.

Gatlin and Ashley are home. WOW! Smart Cookies! And manipulative...just like I would expect any 5 year olds to be in their situation. It makes you want to hug and kiss them even more. I didn't mean that in a bad way, for example...Ashley bought me a necklace. When she gave it to me, she had those eyes...you know the one's...'what'd you get me?' You will be happy to know that she was NOT disappointed. Mommy knows her little blessings. Gatlin waited to pull his until bedtime. Then came the tears, "Oh, my legs ache sooo bad! I can't walk! Can we sleep on the couch tonight?" He wasn't quite as happy. But he is having severe growing pains, so I gave him Motrin before tucking him in.

Otherwise, the Anderson house hasn't been any more eventful than usual. We still have our occassional ruckusses. Like pillow fights, kitchen karokee, just stuff like that. We even have our downs...

Today, on our way to town, I had a question just burning me...Why Chayton? What has he done in his life to expose his tiny helpless self to this horrible Rhabdoid THING? It's a question I ask myself often, but usually not in the presence of others. Darrell was quiet, only for a moment, before putting his two cents in, which I am glad he did. "Does it matter how old or young? If it were you, I would still feel the same way! Nobody puts themselves at risk, really. Society does. Life does. We can't change the fact people get cancer. All we can do is fight and pray for the best." I was dumbfounded at his statement. Society? We ARE society! But like he said...I may have made the wrong choices, but how did I get the chance? It's life. You can get cancer from painting your walls, swimming in a pool, breathing can give you cancer! It just sucks to have to deal with it in our baby.

We urge you to look at your household chemicals, on the label, you may be amazed to learn that many of them state they contain cancer causing agents. It's a known fact. We have been using environmentally safe products since the beginning of the pregnancy with Chayton. Maybe it won't affect you, but when we were asked to take a look, we were shocked!

I would not wish this on ANYONE! To be faced with what we are facing...and even if Chayton leaves us to fly with the angels, we still say...NEVER LOSE HOPE!

We met someone recently who lost her little girl to Rhabdoid. She told us, "You never lose hope, your hope just changes!" How true! That statement comes up quite often, now.

Now that I have written an entire CHAPTER, here, we should tell you all thank you. Thank you all for the prayers, support, and sticking by our sides in the worst of times when we can't even stand being who we are at those moments. Love to all, Dawn, Darrell, Gatlin, Ashley and CHAYTON HUNTER ANDERSON:) (THE FIGHTER aka SMILEY!)

Thursday, October 18, 2001 at 11:44 PM (CDT)

Hello all...Just an update to let you know that Chayton is doing well. He is off the at home chemo as of lastnight. He didn't like that stuff, anyway!

Chayton loved ice cream, but we are afraid that we may have ruined that for him...as we used it to hide his Thalidomide for him to take, he must have figured it out, as he doesn't care for it much, anymore.

His cousin, Amy, made him a blanket with little airplanes on it that he just loves. It's so cute and warm! That was soooo nice of her! It shows the love and support he has out there just waiting for him to make it through this.

We called on another place (actually more than one) with alternative therapies. I guess it doesn't matter how many calls we make. They say the only place that works with Peds is in Texas. We will try another number in California first. (The one in Texas lost a little Rhabdoid girl, so we want to make sure if there is any other place to go...we've tried).

The tremendous amount they charge is unreal, but I guess if it will save our Chayton, what the heck, huh?!? We will already be in debt forever after this if something doesn't change, anyway.

Daddy did take us to a nice place to eat the other day...we went to Don Pablos. It was pretty good. Chayton likes Salsa! That was nice. Always trying new things.

We should be going now. Thank you all for the continued support and prayers. We can't possibly begin to tell you how much they all mean! Love to all, Dawn, Darrell, Chayton, Gatlin and Ashley:)

Kids: Remember MADLY! Gatlin, keep helping Grandpa...It will make you strong so you can come home and help Daddy whenever he needs it. Ashley, you better try to not be so beautiful. Grandma has her hands full with you already, princess. You are the most beautiful 5 year old little girl and gorgeous 5 year old little boy we have ever laid our eyes on. Keep smilin' and we'll see you really soon! Love, Mommy, Daddy and Chayton:)

Wednesday, October 17, 2001 at 01:33 PM (CDT)

Well, hello. We are at the hospital just getting ready to go home. Chayton just was checked on and Dr. Bendle seems to think he is doing pretty well.

She said she wants to keep me in the reality mode every now and then because my "roller coaster of emotions" isn't good for me. (She still doesn't think the outcome will be any different.)

Daddy is feeling pretty good today, also. He still gets bummed out, but who in this situation doesn't?!?

Anyway, in 3 weeks on a Tuesday, November 9th, is when the next MRI is scheduled. They reminded us of a little angel named Katie who had everything going her way, and a month later, the news was awful and within a week and a half, Katie, the angel on Earth, went to Heaven. We still believe, though, that Chayton has a fighting chance, and we refuse to take it away from him. We will feed him strength as long as he is fighting! OUR PLEASURE!

I don't really know what else to say...I'm kinda hungry and daddy promised he would take us for lunch...to a fancy place...where we don't have to carry our trays around!

Love you all and I will have a more in depth entry when I can get to it. Thank you all. Love, Dawn, Darrell and Chayton:)

Gatlin and Ashley: Mommy and Daddy love you so much and we can't wait to see you. Always, MADLY!!! XOXOXOXOXO

P.S. The next MRI is on Grandma's B-day...wish luck for a good b-day gift. More good news!

Monday, October 15, 2001 at 05:09 PM (CDT)

Sorry for keeping you all in suspense for so long...just a quick note to let you know that Chayton's spinal tap and MRI came back with the best news so far. The doc says she is baffled and that there is no medical/scientific explaination as to why, but the tumor has not spread into his spine, there are no free cells in the spinal fluid, and most of all, after 3 weeks of NO treatment other than love, prayers and support...The Tumor Hasn't Grown!!! They thought for sure it would be more than double it's size 3 weeks ago, for as aggressive as it is...So we're back in the ballgame. Thank you all for the prayers and support! IT'S WORKING!!!! I will update again when I get the chance. (I am at the hospital now picking up meds...we'll be back Wed.) I would do more at home if I could, but unfortunately, our computer won't get us online. Thanks for understanding. :) God Bless You All! Dawn, Darrell, Gatlin, Ashley and Chayton Hunter Anderson....SURVIVOR (so far :))

Friday, October 12, 2001 at 04:22 PM (CDT)

Hello. We are here waiting for Chayton to get done with his MRI and spinal tap. It's been a while, but they didn't get him in right away.

Grandpa Kraft and Great Grandma Munson came up for it, as well. And guess what?!? Chayton's Great-Great Aunt Sarah Wittenberg called yesterday to see how he was doing. Boy, that was great to hear her voice. That is Daddy's Great Aunt.

If you read the article in the New Ulm Journal the other day, Chayton's daddy's name is DARRELL, not Dave. And he fell climbing, not walking. Chayton's paternal Grandparents are Willard and Rosemary Anderson, formerly of Nicollet, now of Gaylord, MN.

Darrell and I are pretty much together on everything, and we are all trying to keep it together and keep going forward.

Melissa Ridler is Darrell's cousin, not mine. Not that I would mind, but if you grew up with Melissa or Darrell, there is a good chance you would know the other because they were inseperable for quite a while.

We will update later this evening to let you all know how things went today. So far, so good. Love to all, Dawn, Darrell, Gatlin, Ashley and Chayton Anderson

Kids: Remember MADLY and be good. See you sooner than you think. Love mommy daddy and Chayton. :)

Tuesday, October 09, 2001 at 06:30 PM (CDT)

Hello! Long time since I have written, and I am sorry for that, but we don't have a computer at home that can access the internet. (I use the one at the hospital, or the neighbor's.)

Anyway, to let you know what has been going on, Chayton is home and seems to be doing fairly well. Although he seems to be in great pain, more often than not. He has a very high pain tolerance. We just give him tylenol and keep on moving. He takes it well.

I took his labs in Monday, after running around that could have been avoided on my part. I should have had the lab specimen tube, but I was all out and the last time we were at the hospital, I knew it, but just wanted to get out of there, so didn't get any, just thinking I would get one from the Winthrop Clinic. They were out, but bless them, they sent me to Gaylord where I could get a couple to hold me over. Then I came home, drew the blood, took it to Hutchinson...and I needed to run a few errands then go back for the results, but Chayton was so upset and cranky, I just came home and they called with the information. His counts were a little off, but still looked okay. His white count was really high, but that is WAY better than low! It was from the GCSF that I give through IV in the evenings, so we get to discontinue that. Which may also help him. It is very painful, they say.

We are in search of alternative medicine that will help and possibly cure our Chayton. Any little miracle! We are also looking into something called Healing Touch which isn't like a faith healer. They actually use your energy for the healing. My step-mom's late sister Debbie had several brain tumors and went to a place like this and she said it helped tremendously. Unfortunately she lost her battle with cancer shortly after. (Between her diagnosis and the time she passed there was very little time to do anything. She maybe lived a year after diagnosis.) But she left something for us to try with our baby. Thanks Debbie!

We have been trying new things all the time with Chayton. Today was Carmel Apples! He liked it a little, but it was no bag of m&ms!

Anyway, thank you all for everything you do. *NOTICE* Today is a more positive day:) Oh, I almost forgot. Chayton's room is done. He has precious moments border with white walls above and baby blue and banana yellow sponged on below the border. And the ceiling is baby blue with white clouds sponge painted on. It's awesome. Even daddy liked it when I was done.

Anyway. The support is just awesome. We couldn't do this without all of you. And we mean that! Thank you! Dawn, Darrell, Chayton, Gatlin and Ashley.

Kids: Remember MADLY! You two are getting sooooo big. Just keep up the good work you are doing down there and we will see you sooner than you think. Thinking of you always. Sweet dreams. Love Mommy, Daddy and Chayton:)

Thursday, October 04, 2001 at 12:58 PM (CDT)

Hi there! We are here in the cities again. Chayton had a platelet transfusion, and is getting a blood transfusion, now. He seems to be taking it fairly well. His temp goes up and down, but the tylenol is helping.

Yesterday Gatlin and Ashley learned the letter "S". They had to write the letter, read a story with s words and look out the window and tell daddy and I s words. Boy, what a challenge. But they are doing well with it.

Today on the way here, Daddy gave them the dragon-fly education. They learned more than I even knew about dragon-flies, today. That daddy...he knows all about bugs. Speaking of bugs...Chayton had the most awesome fit because we had to take his bug juice away. He was spilling. He let out a whoop like a lion in the jungle! Daddy and the other two weren't happy, but I had to laugh and giggle. I thought to myself...yup...fighter!

We were late getting here, again. Imagine that! This time, we had such a long night, we couldn't wake up. Oh well...we are here now. I'm tired of worrying about pleasing others...I know we still have to and even when we tell ourselves we aren't going to worry about pleasing anyone else for a while...we still can't help but try. It's a natural, humanitarian thing to do!

Someone brought our three babies blankets (quilts) last night along with a few other things. That was so nice. Darrell was home with the kids. He said they left a book for us to read. It's called "Your Child Doesn't Have To Die". Written by Leanne Sorteberg. Let me tell you, I am already half way through it, and I just started last night after 10. It is just that good! It gives hope when all else has failed. It tells me that my wishy-washiness is common in mothers with ill children, and Darrell's determination to stay busy and focused on other things is normal for fathers with ill children.

As I said before, Darrell was home with the kids lastnight. I went shopping to get new wall-paper border for Chayton's room. I found little precious moments angels, girls AND boys for his room...which is exactly what I was looking for. I also got him his own Precious Moments Bible so he didn't have to share Gatlin's anymore. I had a good friend, Steph, along, and I am glad she was there. She still doesn't know it...or maybe she does, but she is what made me hold it together. I don't know why, but I didn't want to break there, and maybe embarrass her or something awful. I had so many thoughts and emotions in such a short amount of time, I felt as though my life was next over. I was literally dying inside, and had no control, no......ANYTHING left in me. What was left? Hope? More let down? I was mad. I have been mad, lately. At God, at myself, at anyone and everyone. My child may die!!! What can I do? I will. If I am never supposed to be happy again, I won't be. Spare my son! If I am supposed to shave my head, you've got it. Just tell me what to do. I am exhausted and my heart hurts. Tell me what to do.

I do believe there is a God, but why isn't he helping us? Where is he? People pray to pass tests, he helps, they pray to not get a speeding ticket, he helps. OUR SON NEEDS HIM AND WHERE IS HE?

I came home lastnight and cried to my husband like a baby. I had these thoughts while I was at the store. I saw things I wanted to get, and actually asked myself why. What's the point? Even the doctors gave up on him. I wanted to get this cool material to make him a blanket like I used to love, and again asked why? Do you have any idea what it's like to ask yourself why? Why spend the money? For only a couple months use, if even. What will I do with it later? Who will get it? Do I even want to let anyone have anything? I felt awful. It's the knowing. It is just as bad as the "not" knowing.

When I got home, Darrell gave me comfort, but I still hurt. Then I thought, how could I have even thought that way? Chayton still deserves things...toys, books, blankets, clothes, anything to bring joy and happiness. And I can't turn on God. He can still help, and I am begging for his help. We NEED him.

Darrell said all three of the kids laid on the floor last night playing. Chayton was in the middle. They had a blast. Then they wanted to see him laugh like a big boy, and Daddy made him laugh, so they were tickling him making him laugh, too. Daddy said not one of them would settle down. He said it took forever. By the time I got home, the older two were waiting to be tucked in, and daddy had Chayton's meds out waiting for me to get them ready and give them to him.

Darrell would like me to add that he does remember his classmates and old friends. It took some time (with all the other turmoil going on) to remember, but he is confident. Also very appreciative. He would like to add a personal "THANK YOU FOR THE SUPPORT AND PRAYERS, THEY MEAN ALOT!" We thank everyone, always, but the support from people he hasn't had contact with for around 15 or more years lets us all see just how much support is out there, and how many lives Chayton has touched.

We took pictures today up here, and I think you will all enjoy them. It's too bad that I can only have three on at a time. BUMMER!

Anyway, I should go. Gatlin and Ashley are getting pretty wild here. OH, His MRI and Spinal Tap are October 12. The appointment is at 11:30. That is next Friday. On Monday I will draw his labs and take them in.

We are checking into alternative medicine, and I am ready to keep going. Even if it requires another operation. I don't know how Daddy feels but we also have to take that and the other two kids' feelings into consideration. The book that I mentioned above has given me new HOPE, and I can't let go of it again.

Thank You all for all you do and we appreciate the support, prayers and all else. Thank you. Love, Dawn, Darrell, Gatlin, Ashley and Chayton:)

Tuesday, October 02, 2001 at 06:15 PM (CDT)

We just came out of our big meeting with more support from family and friends than most people have at such awful times, know that we are blessed!!!

The results haven't changed, but we are still praying for remission. We hope you are too. God can do wonderful, powerful things! I am still a little confused on what to think right now, but it is getting easier to think.

Uncle Jerome is giving platelets today, Aunt Shaun came along. Uncle Shawn came with Grandpa and Grandma Kraft, Gatlin and Ashley were here today, Sarah, Stacy and Benjaman were also here. Colleen Flanders, bless her, was also here for us, today.

We were late, of course, due to a nail in the driver's side rear tire. YEAH! Always looking for excitement!

We learned today that Chayton's tumor is a fluke. Not in the DNA that made him, at all.

I will update more tomarrow when I have a chance to sit down and do more with it...also have more pictures tomarrow. Thank you all for not giving up...and thank you for the benefits.

We are going to apply for the "Make a child smile foundation". Then we will think of something special to do with him. Thanks again.

If anyone feels that they have been forgotten on here, please forgive me. We don't want any hard feelings and we appreciate all you do, please e-mail me, and I will correct it, or call me. Thank you all!

And thanks in IOWA for all the support as well. Darrell and I are glad that not only our family in MINNESOTA gets to enjoy him, but our family in IOWA. And everywhere else.

Friday, September 28, 2001 at 01:34 PM (CDT)

Dear God,
Please help us. We don't know what to do, anymore. There are so many people reading this, so I am just hoping You are too. Please watch over Chayton and make him safe. I don't think we can live without him. At least happily. God, tell or show us what to do. I'll give you the facts, and you tell us...

I never got the phone call I waited all day for yesterday...so I called in today. When Chayton's oncologist called back, I told her what the neurosurgeon's assistant said, about no cure...and asked what she had to say about that. She said she was right. ! What are we to think? Then she said she gave him an ultimate 0% chance at this point, but she was more than willing to give it another go, and if the neurosurgeon won't operate, we have another option...radiosurgery. This is where they use extreme amounts of radiation to go in and blast this thing to bits, but it will cause severe permanent brain damage, and little Chayton will never be the same. She also made note that there is NO guarantee. She said they will give more chemo, radiation, and all that, but at this point, she doesn't think he will live long. "Either the treatment will get him, or the tumor." Who wants to believe that? Again, we were asked if we wanted to quit. KRAFT-ANDERSON. Look at that....does it say quit? I don't see it. I still want to think they are wrong.

We are faced with this awful decision, that NOBODY wants to make...what next? Please, God...you have to help us. We want to keep fighting, so help Chayton to prove them all wrong. I know together we can all make it work, but I am only human. I can't do it alone, and neither can Darrell. We are in need.

The plan is to go to Iowa for the weekend to let the family see and know just how perfect our little Chayton is, and we will be back really soon. If anyone from Iowa reads this, the kids know. And are truly heart broken, but they are fighters, too, and they aren't giving up, either! Don't be fooled, they are amazing!

Wish we had better news, but right now, we are just processing everything. We are ready to talk to Michael's mommy. We have decided it's definately time. Hopefully soon. To all the mommies and daddies who have lost babies at any age to ANYTHING, my heart goes out to you in a big way. I always thought, what would I do? NOW I KNOW! I KNOW THAT I DON'T KNOW AND MAY NEVER KNOW HOW TO FEEL OR BE RIGHT AGAIN!!!

From our family to your's, please don't give up on Chay. PLEASE!!! We need you now more than ever! Love you all, Dawn, Darrell, Gatlin, Ashley and our precious Chayton Hunter Anderson. Our fighting hero.

Thursday, September 27, 2001 at 04:10 PM (CDT)

Grandma Kraft and I are sitting here getting all choked up on pages of other little people who have the same thing going on or just a little different, yet close. WOWZA! We are all struggling to survive so we can take care of them...because they are survivors!

Many of you already know, but for those of you who haven't heard...Lastnight around 6:00, Therese O'Fallen came to Chay's room to talk to us on the behalf of Dr. Nagib, Chayton's neurosurgeon. (Deep Breath)

*sigh, blow, blow noses, sigh, carry-on* They opted not to operate on Chayton at this point. So Friday's appointment was cancelled until further notice. In two weeks we will find out if they are going to do it at that point, down the road, or at all. They feel that although it is the size of a grape, once in there, the chances of locating it are slim to none. The plan right now is to do another MRI in two weeks. This will be of the brain, spine, and central nervous system. Along with this, they will do a spinal tap. They are looking for growth and spread. We are hoping they decide to operate and start over soon.

His oncologist told us that she has hope, and it's her job. However, Therese told us that because of the recurrance, there is no cure, they're just buying us time...we refuse to believe that. They also gave us the option to take him home, again, for good. And again, he is our baby, as long as he is fighting, we are fighting, and even then some!

The plan right now is to map out other chemotherapies and to get radiation going as soon as possible. They are still going to have to use the stem cells no matter what. The chemo can cause leukemia and the radiation, there is a high risk of him having a stroke, because it would have to be everyday for 2 weeks. This will fry the good, as well as the tumor. They think he will either regress after radiation, or stay at the same level he is now. (mentally speaking). They mentioned thinking about his quality of life when making our decision...if he is stuck at that mentality, and his body grows, I don't care, because that would mean he will smile all through his teen age years! And he'll still always want mommy and daddy.

Darrell feels that we should think about what he will have to go through and think of Chayton's quality of life, and weigh the pros and cons on whether or not it's in Chay's best interrest, putting our selfishness aside. I however, believe Chay will win! I can't put my selfishness aside at this time, because I am also looking out for Chay. Darrell does not mean to give up by any means. He just wants to look at the BIG picture, and think of Chayton, and no matter what the decision, make sure we have really thought about it. Which is completely understandable.

I am afraid of making a choice. How can we? I don't know what to think or do. Darrell also feels it's a test. If it is, how much time do we have to study? And how long is it? How will we ever know if we did the right thing? Even after much thought. It's in God's hands. Pray for our baby Chayton.

Gatlin and Ashley are here with us now. It seems to do Chayton good to see them. He is a new little man. Grandma and Grandpa also brought my sibling who I am very jealous of. My only sister. 6 brothers, and for 26 years, I was daddy's little girl, 'til Abbigail came along. She took my place:) (She's the family puppy!) :) Boy, I bet you thought I was serious. If anyone is my daddy's little girl right now, it would be between Ashley and me...and I'll let her have him. She can have anything she wants. Gatlin is Grandma's little best buddy!

We talked to the kids about it today. They seemed to take it rather well, although Gatlin got sick to his stomach, and said he couldn't be there when they operate, if they do, because he loves Chay. They got the most out of the conversation, and we are all very proud of them. Kids understand a hell of alot more than we EVER give them credit for.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Gatlin and Ashley are babysitting Grandpa and Abby while Daddy and Chayton supervise. We should really be getting back over there, but I thank you all for visiting, and signing the guestbook, prayers, and everything else you do, even if it's in thought!

By the way, I was amazed at the guestbook today, at all of you who support us through words of kindness and just signing in so we know you're out there.

Much love to all of you...even if we've never met. Dawn, Darrell, Gatlin, Ashley and Chayton. The VanderKolk-Kraft-Anderson Clan :)

Wednesday, September 26, 2001 at 03:56 PM (CDT)

Our Father Who Art In Heaven
Hallowed Be Thy Name
Thy Kingdom Come
Thy Will Be Done On Earth As It Is In Heaven

Give Us This Day Our Daily Bread
And Forgive Us Our Trespasses
As We Forgive Those Who Trespass Against Us
And Lead Us Not Into Temptation
But Deliver Us From Evil

For Thine Is The Kingdom
The Power
And The Glory
Forever And Ever
Amen

At around 3:15 this afternoon, Dr. Anne Bendle and her team came to talk to Darrell and I about Chayton's MRI. I and Chayton were napping, but woke up for the news right away.

The MRI was NOT what they expected. The residual tumor seems to not have any change whatsoever. To the right and above the previous location, there is a growth of another tumor. This one is about the size of a grape. We have been told before that if the tumor comes back, they have to fight harder, but they have yet to save anyone who had new growth or spread. The news was tough, but even tougher, decision making. We were asked did we just want to take him home and spend the rest of his time with him, or keep going. Obviously, we are a family of fighters, because we decided to keep going. Chayton hasn't given up, how can we?!?

The first step is, they stopped his chemo. Next is to see when Dr. Nagib can operate on him, again. They are shooting for Friday or Saturday, already. During the operation, they are planning to have not only the resection of his brain, but also a feeding tube put into his lower abdomen.

They want this done right away, because not only is the tumor so aggressive (growing again WITH chemo), Chayton has had 2 full days of chemo, which causes his counts to drop to ZERO. In which case, he could get an infection and die. Just like any other time, but more severe considering he will be going under and being operated on.

Darrell and I have talked and we wish that everyone continue to pray for Chayton. I know you are all pulling for him, but he needs you all now, more than ever. We are at wits end, and fear the future. To be totally honest, dying of a broken heart sounds very realistic right now.

To be very honest, I don't even remember everything they said. I did my best, but I don't have a clear mind right now, so I would rather continue with this when things settle down a bit. Darrell had taken a couple pictures of Chayton and I sleeping just before we got the news, and in one, he said Chayton looked like he was watching over me. He wanted me to put it on the page, but with all due respect, I would rather wait until Darrell is beside me, and have him write the caption.

Today was going to be about Darrell with the scrubs after Chay peed on him, Gatlin telling us that he could "get rid of that tumor in a jiffy" and Ashley asking Kay, the school bus driver to please pray for her baby brother because he's seriously ill. Maybe another day I will go into detail on all of these things, but as for now, I think I need a rest.

Many thanks and love to all, and many blessings for helping us every step of the way. Sincerely, Dawn, Darrell and Chayton :)

Kids: See you tonight. MADLY!!!

Tuesday, September 25, 2001 at 02:03 PM (CDT)

Here I am again. Just updated the photo album. It's so hard to pick which pictures to put up. I can only choose 3. FAMILY PROJECT, MOST DEFINATELY!!!

I have a question...not that it has any significance at the moment...Why do men get to carry wallets, and women have to carry purses, bags, or what have you? Is it just me, or is this rediculous, ladies? I thought about that, as I lugged this backpack completely full of our families necessities across the campus here, and realized the contents weren't personal, they were all of ours. Actually, it's an honor, but I just was curious as to who started the tradition?!? A MAN, by chance?!? Anyway, I was just wondering...it's all the time I have to think of the "not so important things in life."

Tracy, another one of Chayton's angels, was going to come up and see him today, but we haven't seen her, yet, which is alright because Chayton is really worn out.

I asked today what they meant when they said they may add another round of the induction (first phase) chemotherapy onto Chay's road map of treatments, but I haven't heard anything, yet. They said they would let me know as soon as they know what the plan is.

Physical therapy stopped today, when Chay was holding and comforting daddy. (I think Chayton rocked daddy to sleep!) They are going to stop back. The last time we were here, they drew an outline of Chayton's hand and said they were going to make him another brace. One that keeps his hand open. I guess it would be like if you lay your hand down, flat, fingers slightly spread, that is what the brace will do for him. If my memory serves me correctly, I believe he should only need this one at night. And we have yet to learn anything new about the one for his foot/leg. They were supposed to be back quite some time ago and check that, but we wait yet another day, week, etc... I'm sure they are just very busy.

Daddy asked when we get to go home, both of us assuming Wednesday, and he was more so fishing for a time, and the nurse said Thursday by 8 pm. Unless we move tomarrow's chemo up by 2 hours, then it could be a bit sooner. ?!?!?!? Of course we will be moving it up, but we still don't have a time. We did inform them that our other two babies will be up possibly, so we would like to get the move on asap!

Physical and Occupational therapy were going to be back in shortly to do their thing with him, but I'll bet he'll be resting, again. So lethargic and mellow, he needs his rest. He gets drunk with fatigue quite often, but even more so when he's here.

I am still waiting for the intervention on my smoking, but I will proudly say, yesterday, all on my own, I only smoked 5 smokes ALL DAY! And today, I have had 3. Not too shabby for a die-hard nic-chick, eh?! (Uh oh...the Minnesota fever, I'm catchin' it...did you get that? "eh?!"!!! (Deep breath.) It's okay. Iowa, Minnesota, Nebraska, Wisconsin, does it matter? I'M AMERICAN, and I'm getting off track! On that note, Love to all and God Bless Each and Every One of You in His Own Special Way! And HAPPY NATIONAL PEACE WEEK!!! Many thanks and invisible hugs, Dawn, Darrell, Chayton, Gatlin and Ashley (Kraft) Anderson :)

Kids: Remember MADLY for always! The tears...they were of joy, believe me! You have both grown so much and you do every single day. We are all so proud of you! Keep Grandpa and Grandma out of trouble and we'll see you soon! XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO!!! MADLY like you wouldn't believe, little people! BIG TIME! :)

Tuesday, September 25, 2001 at 10:35 AM (CDT)

Well, hello!!! I haven't been up to see Chayton yet...daddy let ME sleep in this time. I am going up to take pictures and I will download them today, sometime. Depends on when he lets me back out of his room. Pr'y around noon or 1:00.

We haven't really heard anything new. Last night Chayton went to bed around 8:30-9:00. He was just a little fussy by then, but all seemed well. We watched a movie together. Just the three of us.

Chayton called me this morning and said "HI" plain as day!!! If that wasn't sweet! He is awesome.

Lastnight, I laid in Chayton's crib with him for more than 2 hours and he played, laid down, talked, laughed, and loved. That was so incredible! And we would trick daddy into getting up and make him stand on the other side of the crib...then we realized Chayton had alterior motives...he either wanted daddy in the crib, too, or he wanted out! It was so cute.

Thank you all for coming to Chayton's site. We all appreciate it. Have a very nice day and hopefully you will see the pictures and write something in the guestbook. (hint hint!) Lots of love to all, Dawn, Darrell, and BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN!!!

Monday, September 24, 2001 at 04:26 PM (CDT)

For the second time today, but I said I would let you know as soon as I heard something on the MRI...It's scheduled for Wednesday at 9:30 in the morning. They will sedate him for it, as usual...We will keep you informed.

Also I would like to note that we thought he was doing so good, but now, he just screams for whatever reason, we don't know. Today has turned hellish on us, rather on Chayton.

But one cute bit before I go...I took Chayton to the toy room about an hour ago. He was playing just fine, and he saw a doll house. On the second floor was the living area, with the furniture, etc. Chayton also saw what looked like a wooden chair, only it was plastic. He grabbed it and sat in on the floor, but it kept tipping over. He finally screamed in anger, so I helped him and sat it upright. The little turkey sat on it and collapsed to the floor. How funny! He simply amazes me. He really is no different than any other child. Gatlin did the same thing with a toy donkey once, and climbed into the back of a wagon (the type that hook onto the little tractor) and Ashley, instead of sitting on things or climbing into things, she tried to fly...long story, and she loved to be like mommy and wear make-up...without permission, usually when something important was going on! Gotta Love 'Em! :)
Have an awesome day...Be back tomarrow. Dawn, Darrell and Kids.:)

Monday, September 24, 2001 at 01:21 PM (CDT)

Wow!!! What a day yesterday turned out to be, huh?!? We are so grateful that everyone showed their support, and I also would like to let it be known, that several people stopped at our house to show support as well as mail cards, letters, and donations because they were unable to attend. As Darrell and I said, we had people come that we hadn't seen in ages, and some have stopped at the house that haven't seen Darrell since he was less than a decade older than Chayton is now! The outpouring of support is phenominal!

There is going to be another benefit on October 13th in MN, as well as a Hunter's/Farmer's breakfast benefit, and a Mary Kay benefit in MN, and There are two, I believe, in the works in IA where I am from. We are so appreciative, but I hope people continue to pray for our Chayton. He is a fighter, but he needs spiritual support!

We have no idea how to thank you all. We are in awe, actually, over the support! There are some truly big hearts out there!

Back to today...Chayton has been quite cranky this morning. He didn't get his morning coffee. I hope you all know that I was only kidding. He drinks mountain dew for breakfast! No, we don't know why he was so cranky, other than he knows where he is and that he's gonna feel icky when he's done. He has been eating, though. And the Strawberry Carnation Instant Breakfast works miracles, we swear! (Chay wouldn't eat or drink, so when he did, we mixed that with the milk, and he kept up the weight better than they thought he was going to, because all the vitamins and nutrients.) Thanks to G'pa and G'ma Kraft, and G'pa and G'ma VanderKolk for getting him all the Strawberry CIB you could possibly find! :):):)

He had an audio test today, and did awesome. There is some question on one of the chemo drugs that could cause him to lose his hearing or make him deaf in one or both sides. So that was really good news!

They have to push fluids for a couple hours before they start the chemo, and they don't even have them on the floor, yet, so it may be a while before he starts, which is okay with him, because he got to go to...McDONALD'S!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We have not yet heard when the MRI has been scheduled, so we can't even estimate when we will know the results. The MRI could be today, or it could be as set back as tomarrow evening. I will let you all know the results when we find out! We are very excited, yet petrified. It's like a bitter-sweet thing. We don't know what to expect, and we are definately not comfortable.

Gatlin and Ashley have their school pictures taken in the beginning of October, I believe I heard. (I wrote it down, but I forgot the paper in Chay's room.) Also, they get to go on field trips. Gatlin goes to the apple orchard Tuesday and Ashley goes the the apple orchard Wednesday. YIPPEE! They have grown soooo much. They are big kids now. They are AWESOME.

You know, I do have to say, every time I talk to my kids, it gets a little deeper. The other night when I was tucking them in, they wanted to talk so the three of us talked for an hour about New York, Washington, and Pennsylvania. You never realize just how intellegent they are until they bring it to you in adult terms.

Just after that, though, I was struck with a metal rod, on fire, flying at me so fast I didn't even see it coming, right in the heart, and I will NEVER EVER forget that, and from here on out...we are having discussions like that one with mommy, daddy AND Grandma and Grandpa in the room.

Our Gatlin looked me right in the eye and said, "You know, mom, Chay could die." I told him I knew that and that we had to pray for him and play with him, so hopefully he can get better and we can keep him. He just kept looking at me and said, "It's my fault, you know!" WHAT?????? This is a 5 year old. He then told me that because he and Ashley were playing with him, and they saw him climb on the coffee table, and knowing that mommy and daddy were in the kitchen cooking and doing the dishes, they went out of the room, anyway, and when he came back into the room, Chay looked at him and then fell, it was his fault Chay got the tumor. Then Ashley piped in and said she felt the same way. The strange thing is, we have talked about what happened before, I always told them it WASN'T their fault...and everytime, they are a little more in depth. I can't imagine what they must feel like, but I had a hard time getting them to see that it was a BLESSING that they weren't in the room that day. Maybe God told them to go out of the room, and ignore that Chayton was on the table. It happened to save his life. All I know is I told daddy, and we talked about it, and he had no idea that they felt that way, mainly Gatlin feels guilty, and responsible, but from here on out...we are going to have to discuss it more to let them know, it's a wonderful thing that he fell, and they may have saved him that way.

Anyway. I am updating the pictures tomarrow. I think everyone should not only read the guestbook, but sign it as well. Thank you for everything you are all doing, all over, from here, to Germany, to Norway, and from Heaven! God bless you all. Dawn, Darrell and Kids :)~

gat 'n' ash: MADLY!!!!!!!!! See you soon again...and remember, Halloween is coming. RAAAHHHHHHAAAHHHHAAAHHWWHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAHHHHHHHHLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!! mommyanddaddyloveyouverymuchandsodoeschayton!

Tuesday, September 18, 2001 at 07:35 PM (CDT)

Hello to all! Today, Chayton was out and about in Mankato with mommy and Uncle Greg...good friend of the family. Daddy was busy, so we just went over quickly to get Gatlin and Ashley outfits for school pictures. Can't wait to see them with the outfits on! We miss and love them soooo much.

Chayton seems to be doing well, other than the fact that he doesn't like to sleep alone, anymore. What the heck?!? He can eat crackers in our bed, anytime...(as long as he's sitting up).

For those who didn't hear, Colleen was on KNUJ, New Ulm's radio station, today telling about Chayton's benefit this Sunday. He was sitting in his high chair eating pancakes and Cheerios, and giggled his little butt off! He loved it, especially when Gatlin and Ashley were mentioned.

Ha ha ha... I just asked a good friend what else I should say about Chayton, and her reply was, "That he is the most adorable little angel on earth...!" Of course, he's only one of many, but that was cute and whitty!

We are very nervous with the benefit, but day by day, it seems to get a little easier. Chayton will go back for his big round of chemo, again on Sunday night, and this time they will be doing an MRI. Hopefully things will be looking better than they did. We are anxious to see them, as well as nervous! I think that is all we can be at this point.

I hope to see alot of you at the benefit. We have special things set up, like photos, pictures from the hospital, journal entries, etc. Thank God for good friends and family, because they have been great at getting this scatter brained chick to get a grip and grab a gear!

Thank you to all who are praying and doing what you can and are for our precious Chayton. Some days are tough, but nothing is tougher than the night. (Too much time in the darkness to think.)

Thank you all, once again. Gatlin and Ashley, MADLY, and DoN't EvEr 4-gEt It!!! See you both really soon! Dawn, Darrell, and babies:)~

Friday, September 14, 2001 at 01:01 PM (CDT)

Yeah, Chayton is coming home! This is a great day so far, because he hasn't had morphine since midnight! He is irritable, but also tired.

We would like to thank all who have done anything, I just don't know how we will repay all of you. You have all been absolutely wonderful.

We hope to see many of you who we have not yet met, at Chayton's benefit on the 23rd. We are excited to some degree because alot of people can see and meet Chayton in person, and that will be fun for him.

The older two will be home this weekend, too. Yippee! I don't have much else to say right now, but if anything comes up, we will be sure to let you know. Thank you!

Thursday, September 13, 2001 at 10:57 AM (CDT)

Good Morning! Just before midnight, lastnight, Chayton woke up a little fussy. We took his temperature and it was up to 101.5*. Already packed to go ~ in case of an emergency ~ we called into the hospital. Dr. Smith called me back immediately. I gave him Chayton's last counts, times and temps, dates, and alot more numbers, as well as the meds and doses, etc. (Went through the whole drill). He allowed us to give Chayton Tylenol this time, and said to bring him up to Minneapolis. He would have his room ready, antibiotics and morphine ready, and all the other goodies. So we hopped in the car and off we went.

Since daddy had drank a couple cocktails with his brother and a few friends, mommy got to drive:)(she flies!) We left the house about 12:15 and stopped at a friends so he could tell his kids he was going to follow, and we left there about 15 minutes later, and still made it here by 1:30. Good timing, huh?!? The secret...mommy didn't have to stop for a smoke, and there was virtually no traffic.

The newest labs indicate that Chayton will need a blood transfusion, but we may be here a couple days, so as long as they keep checking it, things should be fine.

A 15 year old girl came in to Chayton's room today with her mom. She needed to see his med comp hickman catheter. (The perm. IV sticking out of his chest). She looked and cringed. I felt so bad for her. By the time she was done looking and I was done talking, she seemed quite a bit more relaxed. I hope it helped. Her mom was STRONG! I would have looked and been a mess at first. She was so calm for her daughter, I was almost envious. I know she was hurting, but man, she was STRONG!

You know, children are the most cherished and vulnerable members of a family, and when one of them becomes ill with a life-threatening desease, the entire family is thrust into a state of shock. All parents have hopes, dreams and expectations for their children. Some want them to be neurosurgeons, some have fantasies of their children having a political future, others dream that their children will be the first of the family to graduate college with honors. Fathers dream of sports heroes; mothers envision a future in stardom. Some dreams are less grandiose ~ a good job, loving spouse and a house full of grandchildren.

When cancer strikes, those expectations are close to shattered the moment the physician utters the dreaded word. The reality of a kid in torn jeans swinging from his knees on a tree limb in the backyard (& his mother worrying that he will fall and break his arm) quickly dissolves into a pale, frightened little boy alone in a hospital bed with tubes sticking into him all over.

After all, you only worry about the child. His physical, mental, and emotional well-being. The would-be doting grandparents find out their son may be sterile as a result of treatment, and the only thing you care about is, is he okay? We don't care, is he okay? You are suddenly known as the parents of the smiley kid. The parents of the "smiley kid" who loves everyone is fighting harder than even his parents. WOW! What courage, huh?!? As parents ponder, suddenly, a vision of the future World Renowned Race Car Driving Winston Cup Winner in a white coffin with weeping family, friends and fans all around an open grave. I am sorry, but you who have been there, with a child, tell us how to think. We are so paralyzed in a lake of emotions, and we need something. We don't know what, we've never dealt with this before. The fear, constant confusion, shock, denial, happy, sad, excited, disorienting feelings are taking a toll, and people don't like to hear that. Believe me, we totally understand. It's hard enough without the emotion. The saddest thing is, we have two other children who have these very same feelings, and yet they handle it better than we do! In the midst of this crisis, Gatlin and Ashley have really grown up. Two little people that have BIG feelings.

I am thankful for all the support, and the attitudes of everyone, scared and strong alike. I don't know how we will EVER be able to repay everyone. An experience like this is extremely humbling, yet magnificent as far as pulling together.

OH!!!! I asked the doctor if we could postpone Chayton's big round of chemo next week so he could attend the benefit, and they said YES!!!!!!!!!!:) I am so grateful! He will have to be in by Sunday evening or Monday for it, though, but ya! Yeah Hooo Mountain Dew! (As Gatlin and Ashley would say)

Love and Many Blessings to all,
Dawn, Darrell, and the Kraft-Anderson Clan :)

P.S. Chayton started his blood transfusion about 2:00 this afternoon. He is taking it quite well. He is tired as all get out, but still looks pretty good. Aunt Denise is waiting for the doctor to write her a slip to donate platelets. Should be getting to go do that really soon. I may not need them for a bit, but again, saves daddy from a poke! He likes that idea. His arm is getting sore. We have plenty of blood donors, now we need platelets, as you can donate every 4 days and they are good only for 5 days. Just an F.Y.I. Thanks again! :)

OH YEAH...Chayton will be home in no time according to the doc. He seems to be picking up alot faster than we thought.

Tuesday, September 11, 2001 at 01:42 PM (CDT)

Today is a devastating day with the events going on. I don't know what to even think anymore. Not many people do. I can't imagine what went through the innocent passengers' minds. As well as the victims on the ground, all over. I just hope and pray they found their way home, without suffering.

Chayton is at Children's Hospital again, awaiting platelets. His counts were to be between 150,000 and 450,000. They are at 8,000. He is currently at risk of bleeding. I waited at the Hutchinson Medical Center for the lab results, and when I got them, we ran back home to grab daddy, and off to the cities.

Chayton will have the transfusion in about an hour, and we will go back home. Dawn and Sarah think he will be back in the next day or two, but you never know. I think he is doing quite good as far as his temperature is concerned.

Gatlin and Ashley are doing wonderful. They are going to come up this weekend and be with us, again. Whether Chayton is in the hospital, or not, because even if he is ill, they need to know that everything isn't always okay.

Kimmer was over lastnight talking to me, and I got a few things off my chest. That really helped, because although one can't speculate what the outcome will be, it is good to go over the possibilities. Whether it hurts or not. But I think the most important thing to remember is, who Chayton is and how much he fights. That is the main thing.

We don't know if he will be back up here needing blood soon or not, but I sure hope not. He knows where he is going as soon as we pull into the parking ramp. (He doesn't like it much.)

We need to all pray for baby Cassandra. She is scheduled for open heart surgery tomarrow after 1:30 in the afternoon. Check out her website at www.caringbridge.com/mn/cassandra and see her beautiful little face as you help pray for her. Her family needs her like we need Chayton.:)

There is a poem called A Mommy's Feelings written by Tracy Adams.
I am the mommy.
I am the one who is supposed to make it all better.
My arms a refuge where pain and discomfort are not allowed.
And yet, here I am unable to make the owies go away.
I see you lunge and reach for me.
I hear your weak voice saying, "mama, I want you", and I can do nothing.
Only stand here in helplessness with my heart breaking.
If only I could take your place.
I would gladly bear the pain, knowing you were not.
I would eagerly take upon myself this burden placed on you.
You look at me with sorrowful eyes that do not understand.
"Why don't you help me?" I see them plead.
Perhaps this is the greatest cross a mother can bear, to see her child in need and be rendered helpless.
I am tremendously grateful to know this is temperary.
Soon you will be in my arms, and I will love the hurt away.
We will hold eachother tightly, and, perhaps then,
Both of our hearts will heal.

Wow,,,does that explain it or what?!?!? I think it needs to be addressed that daddies feel the very same way, as in helpless, and out of control. At least I think so.

There was an article in the South Central Living, and I do want to mention a couple things, as I was a little disappointed. My parents were not mentioned AT ALL! They are Sharon and Glen VanderKolk of Waverly, Iowa, and Ken and Lorie Kraft of Ionia, Iowa. I did NOT grow up near Waverly, I grew up in Ionia, which is near New Hampton, Nashua and Charles City. My children are going to school in New Hampton, Iowa, where I also went to school. I guess part of the reason I was so upset, is that my family, who has been there through thick and thin, who has supported us in ways unbeknownst, even to us...were excluded. I did ask that they be INCLUDED and MOST IMPORTANTLY, our children, Gatlin and Ashley. So I have decided to take it upon myself to inform you. (I apologize if I seem overly angry, I am only disappointed.) Gatlin's teacher in school is Mrs. Junko. Ashley's teacher is Mrs. Reiss. They are both adjusting very well, but are not oblivious to what Chayton is going through. I think it is worth while to mention that they are having some issues, but they are in loving care of family members that they can and do vent to when needed. We do talk to them all the time, and they are able to discuss some of their issues, and understand things that even adults cannot. They are not, by any means, left out of what is going on, and they, along with Chayton, are our strength!

Thank you all who have contributed to our family from cards, gifts, donations, to the very important SUPPORT and PRAYERS!!! We really appreciate it.

Have a good day! It's time to get busy here and get on the road back to Winthrop. Thanks, again.:) Dawn, Darrell, Chayton, Gatlin and Ashley Anderson:):):)

Sunday, September 09, 2001 at 05:57 PM (CDT)

Hello all. Chay is having a good day, although he slept most of it. He is very tired from all the chemo. We let him get his rest, as he needs it to fight. And Chayton is a fighter!!!

We talked to Gatlin and Ashley. They are doing so good. Aunt Missy said we are not the only one's proud of them. Which we figured...but they are very proud of themselves as well. They have been doing well in school, and they like it.

They have BIG feelings for such little people. We are proud for the way they are handling all this. Grandpa and Grandma Kraft took them on a picnic to Wild Wood Park today. They had a good time, but were so tired, they napped for quite a while.

Ryan and Tracy came and picked up Chayton and took him to Colleen's today for pictures that Daddy and I are not allowed to know about yet. That is really nice of them, but the suspense is killing me!!!

Chayton's benefit is coming soon. I am really nervous. I don't know if it's going to be an emotional day or not, as any other day, but that's hard.

Yesterday was a hard hitter for the kids, and Darrell and I. Cindy came over from the Winthrop News, and that was tough going over some of the information, which really hit Darrell. Mine was after I talked to my babies in Iowa. Had this happened a year ago, they wouldn't be in school, so they could be home more often. Also, the "what if's" can make a heart hurt more than imaginable!

Enough of that. We will update later, but as for now...Prayers are the key! Gat 'n' Ash: Remember MADLY! We will see you soon! Love to all, and keep the faith! Dawn, Darrell, Chayton, Gatlin and Ashley!:)

Tuesday, September 04, 2001 at 11:04 AM (CDT)

Today, another day of good news with the bad. Chayton had to be to the dr. early this morning, so we were asked to come and stay over as we couldn't be late. No room was reserved, so we had to stay up on the 8th floor, bless the nurses who got everything set up for us. The room was supposed to be taken care of days ago. Ahhh....!

At Chay's appointment today, we asked lots of questions. The first was just how much over did he go on the stem cell harvest? She said he was to donate 5 million per kg of body weight 3 times, as there is 3 rounds. That means a one time of 15 million per kg. He gave 98 million per kilo of body weight!!! Isn't that fabulous!?! He gave 6 X more than he needed!!!!!! :)

Also we commented on Boston. She doesn't think that's necessary, as they do Proton Beam Radiation, and here they do 3D conformal. It's 8 weeks of Radiation, and she thinks they can do just as good a job here. She's the boss, so we are pretty convinced, although she would like more info on the Boston thing. As far as the radiation, Chayton will have so issues just from the proceedure. What may be fine and normal now, may not be when it's all done. He may have organizational issues, problems with attention, etc. Dr. Bendle said if he has any issue with ADHD, it will be intensified. We will know more on that later. Also, he will lose his short term memory.

Philidelphia got back with her, and I had previously asked for a second and third opinion, in despiration, and we got it. The tumor was confirmed as a Rhabdoid tumor, which we figured. There are no other tumors like this. The next step is to see if the mutation is in his blood, and all over his body, then to check my and Daddy's blood. They are still banking on a fluke, but if not, Gatlin and Ashley have to be tested to see if they have it, and then if they do, they will have to go through screening regularly, so nothing pops up on them. Please pray for us!!! I can't watch my other two babies go through this, too.

Chayton will have an MRI done in two weeks. They will compare the residual tumor to the new MRI and see what is happening. Also, I will draw labs on Tuesday, and if all is well, we don't have to be back until Fri.

His permanent condition, with the right side, "Clonus", is acting up, again, but it's to be expected. He seems to be coping.

I asked a very serious question today, and was asked if I really wanted to know. I said I was ready. I asked what his chances are. As far as survival. She said LESS than 10%. That hurts, but we have to be aware of what we're dealing with. I am sorry to tell you all this, but hopefully, it will bring out the prayers, more. I thought his chances were higher, not by alot, but I was sure they were! You never know. In a children's book today, I read...Pray for a miracle, and sometimes that miracle comes in the form of death. I don't know what all you believe, but whatever happens, he is already a miracle, and we will never give up, whether he's here in body or spirit. NEVER!!! (F.Y.I. The same book said not to give up on the siblings. They need to know they are still cared about as well. And any and all help for them is appreciated. They have needs, too. Thank you!)

Thank you to all, for everything. Please, don't give up. There are other children who need prayer, too, pray for all.
(CHECK PHOTO ALBUM!)

Love, Dawn, Darrell, Ashley, Gatlin and Chayton Anderson :)

Gatlin and Ashley: MADLY for always. We will see you soon. Made something for you. You will get it soon. Have fun in school, and take good care of Grandpa and Grandma:) They do you! Love you, Mommy, Daddy, and Chayton:)

Tuesday, September 04, 2001 at 10:09 AM (CDT)

This is just a quick update. I will do a complete overview when I get the chance. Chayton gets to go home today after another blood transfusion. Yes, another one.

He is quite the kid! He is so happy. He's feeling much better today. He's not drinking, yet, but he ate almost all of a small sausage patty.

Everyone here knows Chayton as "Smiley". If you are out smoking, you hear people talking about "Smiley" and how the nurse or someone had him outside. Then they describe him. When we bring him out, "That's him!" And this is a pretty big place. Not everyone knows him, but the majority.

I changed his pictures. Got some pretty good ones, but I can only put up three at a time.

Thank you to everyone who visited Cassandra's page. She is scheduled for open heart surgery tomarrow, as she has made it to the 4kilo mark. Please pray for her and all the other children here.

Thank you for signing in. It helps...hint hint!

Gat 'n' Ash: MADLY! See ya soon. Hij Smukke!!!!!!!!!!

Dawn, Darrell, Chayton, Gatlin, and Ashley!!!:)

Tuesday, September 04, 2001 at 10:09 AM (CDT)

Monday, September 03, 2001 at 07:08 PM (CDT)

This is the second part to the update, I didn't have time before to give details.
On Friday, Chayton's Hickman cathedor was tearing out on the side. I asked them to fix it and they said it would be fine. I asked them to snip it then and they said no that it was fine. It ripped out! and they said it would be ok. Then on Sunday, it was suddenly a big deal and they're going to stitch it.

Sat. was a good night except he threw up once. Yesterday he had a temp but it was back down by the afternoon.

Gatlin and Ashley came on Sat evening and Chayton's having a blast with them. His room looked like he had a bunch of full-time doctors because Daddy, Gatlin, and Ashley all had to wear masks because they have colds.

We hope to be coming home tomorrow, but so far Chayton's not drinking which is not good, so he has to stay on IV's.

I couldn't get the camera to take more pictures yet, so we have wait. I'll get some more soon.

Thanks for all the prayers, they are needed.
Love to all and Gatlin and Ashley MADLY!!!

Dawn and Darrell

Monday, September 03, 2001 at 12:21 PM (CDT)

Chayton has to stay another day...he's not taking fluids like he needs to, and he has been getting whomped on a bit at night. He has vomitted twice, now. It's not much, but more than I expected to say the least. He has handled things pretty well, so I am nervous now over every little thing.

I will write and update more tomarrow. Happy Labor Day! Love to all, and thank you for everything.

Thank you in advance for signing the guestbook!!! (hint hint!) It really does help.

Gatlin and Ashley: Remember MADLY! Be good for G'ma and G'pa. We love you and we will see you soon. Keep praying, your brother needs that, and you're both doing awesome! :)

Take Care and thanks for support:) Dawn, Darrell, Chayton, Gatlin and Ashley :)

Saturday, September 01, 2001 at 02:47 PM (CDT)

Well, hey all! Hope you are all looking forward to good news. I don't know if I told you this already, and I'm too lazy to look, but they have really succeeded in the stem cell harvest. They have NEVER gotten so much out of 1 single person, yet, and they said he gave enough to carry him through the entire second part of chemo.

I thank you for writing in the guestbook. That helps so much. Even when you have already written...please, don't hesitate to write again. We have read them to Chay, and he just loves to hear us read and have his name mentioned. I don't know why, but he does.

He is having a much better day today. He is up and smiling. Chemo was long and hard lastnight, but he took it well later in the evening. He has captured the hearts of so many people here, he's just so sweet. I know he's my kid and all mothers should think that way, but I like to say it, too. He really does have alot of people here just so in love with him. Which is good.

Gatlin and Ashley will be here today! That should be good for Chayton as well as them. They need to know they are loved as much as Chayton. I have lots of plans for them, but I just don't know where to begin once they get here. Maybe just lay them down on the bed and tickle them until they beg to be let up...Maybe race up and down the sidewalk...Maybe let them be the teachers and let them teach us all about school. I think we will let them decide where we will start.

I have a new picture of Chayton up, I need to get new one's of the older two, so I decided to wait until they get here. Hope that works.

Chayton has another friend, her name is Cassandra. She is itty, bitty, teeny, weeny! She was 3 pounds some odd ounces when she was born. She's beautiful! Her web page is the same as Chay's only instead of /page/chaytonanderson...it's /mn/cassandra.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. We are going to do our best to make sure our children do. Thank you all for doing everything you are doing for our family. We appreciate it so much. Don't forget to read the history if there is anything you may have missed, and don't forget to sign the guestbook. Love to all and Take care, Dawn, Darrell and kids:)

Friday, August 31, 2001 at 03:17 PM (CDT)

I forgot to tell you...The stem cell harvest has only been done here for the last 2-3 years. Chayton gave the most ever the first time around. They were all soooo shocked. They said he gave enough to rescue him all the way through the consolidation stages of chemo. Isn't that awesome?!?

I had to take a break. I think this is unreal. He is just screaming bloody murder up there. Three nurses and a few assistants came in and told me to just go. He isn't happy and having a very hard time. He hasn't even started chemo, yet. Just the fluids before hand.

I am going to tell you right now...I am VERY scared. I don't know where to go or what to do. I feel totally out of control. I wish I knew what to even think right now. I know everyone says stay positive, but it's sooooooo hard. How can I look at my 15 month old son, white as a sheet with red around his sunken in eyes, and screaming, kicking moments and think the best. To be honest, I am wondering if this is even helping him. I know it means he's a fighter, but how long can anyone fight? What's the limit? I just pray he's okay, but I want to make it happen now!

I am sorry for that, but I think it's important for people to know that we are scared for our baby, and no matter how positive we try to be, there are breaking points.

The stitch that we were complaining about that he needed, they were going to do today, but then the other one that was there and tearing (in his hickman catheter-coming out of his chest) has ripped out. Now they say nothing has to be done. He just has to be careful. Yeah, okay!

Anyway, I don't know much else right now. Or if I do, I just can't remember it. Please continue to pray for our baby. He deserves to live a long healthy life just like anyone else does. Thank you all so much. And thank you for the cards.

As I said earlier today, what did I say earlier today? Oh, yeah, Chayton is in room 8164 on the eighth floor. You can send him cards and e-mails there at the address in the last entry.

Gat 'n' Ash: MADLY MADLY MADLY for always!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We miss you so much and can't wait to see you. Kiss and hug eachother again.

Love to all, and keep the prayers, please. Thank you, we appreciate it. Love, Dawn, Darrell, and the kids. :)

P.S. Don't forget to sign the guestbook each and every time you visit. It helps us. And Chayton is going to have all this to look back on when he grows up! Thank you, again. ~ The Anderson Clan.

Friday, August 31, 2001 at 12:54 PM (CDT)

Hello. Yesterday was hectic and fun. We played alot and chatted with others and Chayton stole hearts with his smile as usual! He was awesome all day.

We came in to Radiology this morning at 7:30 to have his kidneys and liver checked. We will know soon how that turned out. They didn't do the audio test, yet. We are on the 8th floor, now. His room number is 8164. If you would like to send him a card over e-mail, send it to Get.Well@childrenshc.org and in the subject line put Chayton Anderson, Minneapolis, Rm 8164. They will print it out and bring it to him. Also e-mails.

He is pretty crabby today, and seems to be in alot of pain. He wants mommy to hold him all the time, and yells out for daddy, lots. He really misses his brother and sister, as he calls out their names often.

Chay's primary nurse and I talked today, and she told me that he is far from out of the woods, and that if we get rid of the tumor, and it comes back, we've lost. We need to pray it's gone and stays gone. I can't imagine losing my baby. Any of them for that matter. But I am scared. I begged for a percentage again, but they said the odds are against him, but they believe he can win if we just keep fighting. They won't give me a number, though. Which is probably just as well.

I should hurry and get back up there. I will change the pictures soon. There will be one of Gatlin and Ashley there, as well.

Gatlin and Ashley: Are you remembering MADLY? I hope so. We love you more than either of you will know until you have your own little Gatlins and Ashleys running around. Then you might get a glimpse. Blah, Blah, Blah. I know. Hug and kiss eachother. Right now. Did you do it? Come on pokey petes.......now did you. Good. That's from mommy, daddy and Chayton. Hope it felt good. If not, do it again, and again, and again, and.........
Love you for always, babies!!!

Love to all, thank you for everything. Say a sweet prayer for Chayton, Gatlin and Ashley, please. Thank you. Love, Dawn, Darrell and Chayton.:)

Wednesday, August 29, 2001 at 11:40 PM (CDT)

Well, today was a success!!! The news we all hoped and prayed for. The harvest worked the first time around. Thank God. We are still close to schedule. He will have tomarrow to relax and Friday he will start the BIG round of chemo. It took 6 and a half hours to harvest his stem cells. The little bugger did a pretty good job.

Jeff Meyer and Terry Bruhns came up to see Chayton today, as well as donating blood. That was grand! We really appreciated that because it saves me a poke!

Immediately following his proceedure today, we left to take our baby to the Mall Of America so he could see Underwater World. I have to warn you...If you are anything like me...get those Kleenex ready! We got there around three o'clock. We had a total of $120 to our names. Including everything! We couldn't afford to do much of anything. So we approached the guy at the counter and he told us that it would cost us about $30 for us to go in. We stepped aside and were opting not to go. Just then, an angel was there, seeming in a rush with her child, and handed us 2 adult passes to get in free. As Chayton was already free. We couldn't believe it. I told her she was an angel, and she said, "Sent just for you!" and she hurried away. We were just so...speechless. Then, we let Chayton see all this wonderful stuff, and then he actually got to touch a sting ray! They are slimey and one got funny with him, so enough was enough.

After that, we decided to get something in the food court to eat and then get back. Then, for some reason, Darrell decided to take me somewhere nice. He and Chayton decided on Hooters...just to make me freak out...so we went to Planet Hollywood. The food as well as the service is just awesome. There were 2 girls there that were also angels. We didn't get their names, but they gave Chayton a Planet Hollywood teddy bear, then, after that, as if that wasn't enough...I tell you...they are angels...they paid for our meals! I left their in tears, because I didn't expect any of this. My biggest problem was why now, all in one day? I know we should be enjoying this, but why all this? Is He trying to tell us something? Are we not going to have this chance later? I am trying to be optimistic, but it's tough. Those 3 people today will be remembered for the rest of our lives!

Gat 'n' Ash: Tell G'ma and G'pa V. to bring you up here this weekend if they can. We really miss you. Remember MADLY for always guys. Hope you are having a blast in school!

Thank you to all and don't forget to sign the guestbook. Love, Dawn, Darrell, Chayton, Gatlin and Ashley Anderson :)

Wednesday, August 29, 2001 at 11:40 PM (CDT)

Wednesday, August 29, 2001 at 11:45 AM (CDT)

AH HA! Finally. Got new pictures up and all. Better make this short and come back, later. Chayton is getting his cells harvested right now. Big thing.

Check the photos, and leave a note on the guestbook...if you have any questions, ask and I will try to answer them.

Gat 'n' Ash: Hope you are having fun in school. Be good and take care. See you soon. MADLY For Always!!!!!

Wednesday, August 29, 2001 at 11:26 AM (CDT)

something is wrong here with the computers, so I will be back and try to put up new pictures later. Don't know what's going on.

XOXO Chay's Gang

Sunday, August 26, 2001 at 02:15 PM (CDT)

Thursday, August 23, 2001 at 08:54 PM (CDT)

Chayton laughed his little tooshie off today! Michael Ibarra, our neighbor, came over and played and played with him! He giggled so much I bet his tummy still hurts.

Gatlin and Ashley made it home today for a "sleep over". They came home and acted like they didn't know where they were for about a minute. Then things got back to normal really quick.

I have to tell you a great story about our little neighbor girl, Amanda, Michael's 3 year old sister. She and her brother were at the house today and they looked at Chayton's ouie on the back of his head and asked if someone cut him with a knife. I didn't know exactly what to say, so I just said that it was a special kind of knife that only doctors used and that it was also a special kind of doctor. With BIG brown eyes bulging out and her jaw half dropped, she said matter of factly, "I know who the doctor was!!! His name is Dr. Suess!!!" Then she went on to say she has the foot book at home. You know, left foot-right foot! Oh the innocence.

Gatlin and Ashley are sooo looking forward to going to school on Monday. (OOPS! I forgot to tell you that they didn't start today...they start Monday.) Except Gatlin is afraid that the dentist will be there waiting for him. I don't have a clue where that came from. Ashley will be ready and waiting with bells on.

Chayton goes in tomarrow, as well as Monday. It's gonna be a long haul for him on Monday, as he will have a 6-8 hour proceedure ahead of him.

His hair is still not all gone, but for the most part, he has only sporatic patches left. Other than it itching, he is doing great.

Again, the benefit is at the GFW High School in Winthrop, at 11 am to 1:30 pm on Sunday, September 23rd. It's a Ham Dinner. Also, there are two places to send donations. One is Chayton Anderson Benefit Fund; P.O.Box 495; Winthrop, MN 55396. The other is Chayton Anderson Benefit Fund; c/o Winthrop State Bank; P.O.Box R; Winthrop, MN 55396.

The kids can be contacted at Gatlin and Ashley c/o Ken and Lorie Kraft; P.O.Box 52; Ionia, IA 50645. They enjoy getting mail even if it's only a picture that you have drawn.

Thank you to every soul out there who has given their time, prayers and all around effort to comfort us in any and every way possible. We would also like to thank the ENTIRE Winthrop community! You have been wonderful!

I just received a book in the mail called Life is tough but God is faithful. In the book there is a part that took my heart away in a good way.

THINGS CANCER CAN'T DO:

CAN'T TAKE AWAY THE MEMORIES
CAN'T TAKE AWAY THE JOY
CAN'T TAKE YOUR ETERNITY
CAN'T TAKE AWAY YOUR LOVE OR BEING LOVED

There is another one but I can't remember it right now. (Okay, it can lapse the memory thing...ha.) I refuse to let this take our lives away from us. It has been hard, but we are still maintaining that in the hardest of times...we still have to have that "happy hour". An hour out of every 4-8 that we MUST be happy, no matter what! So far so good.

Love to all and many thanks for the support and prayers. This is an experience that I wish were just a bad dream, but unfortunately, it's a reality. I pray nobody else has to endure this, and someday, there will be no more cancer! What a wonderful day that will be.

Oh, I forgot, I wanted to say that growing up, about 10 years ago, I saw a boy from New Hampton have to go through the ropes with cancer. He was YOUNG! I honestly thought he would make it, no questions asked, because he was a child. I remember the pain the family went through and everything, and I always thought of how incredibley strong they were, and how I could never handle it. That child is with God, now, and I believe all children who are with God are looking out for the little ones here. Now I hear how people say how strong we are. We aren't strong. We are doing our best, but Chayton, Gatlin and Ashley ARE our strength! They are the backbone of our family. They are our survival mechanisms working O.T.!!!!

Thursday, August 23, 2001 at 08:54 PM (CDT)

Wednesday, August 22, 2001 at 04:15 PM (CDT)

Today is a new day for Chayton. He is losing all his hair, today. He is shedding worse than a puppy, and he smiles so big when we tell him that, because he loves animals. He doesn't care if he has hair or not. Which is good.

We all don't get to go to Iowa, only daddy. Chayton isn't in any condition to travel that far. BUMMER! But, we will see eachother really soon.

There has been alot going on around here, as far as emotions go, but we are doing the best we can. We appreciate every effort made on Chayton's behalf. Another one of Chayton's babysitters, Steph Koepp, came forward today to volunteer as our third alternate blood donor for Chayton, so we have every base covered. Kylee and Steph are absolute angels in our lives. Most grown adults decline in donating blood for fear of the pain, and here are two young ladies who are willing to go the extra mile for a small child in need in a big way! Thank you both!!!

Gat 'n' Ash: We will see you again on Sunday or possibly sooner, but get ready to see Daddy tonight. Do to him what you did to me and tackle him right to the ground, too! You are awesome little angels, and you are just as important to this family as mommy or daddy or Chay. Don't ever forget it. You are VITAL to our survival! And always remember...MADLY, MADLY, MADLY!!!!!! We will talk soon.

The benefit brunch will be held Sept. 23, at the GFW school in Winthrop. More info later. Love and many thanks to all~ Dawn, Darrell, and Chayton Hunter Anderson :)

Tuesday, August 21, 2001 at 04:05 PM (CDT)

Hi all. Sorry I didn't update sooner, but things have been pretty hectic. Chayton had another blood transfusion yesterday, and I had to go down to Iowa to enroll the other two kids in Kindergarten! Also, the resource center was closed today until just recently.

I would like to take the opportunity to thank everyone for EVERY single ounce of effort in Chayton. There was a man here, early to mid 20's, Kevin Vance, who helped me set up this page, and for the first few weeks, trained me to using the camera. I looked forward to coming in here and letting him know what was going on with Chayton on a daily basis, or as often as I could. He loved to come up and see him, always commenting on how much a fighter Chayton is. I hadn't seen Kevin lately, because Chayton had been home. Then when he came back, it was late Fri. Sat. I didn't see him, so I thought it was his day off and Sunday they are not open. And as I said, yesterday, I was gone. I learned today that last Tuesday, Kevin was late for work, which to all who knew him, was strange. Then they all learned on his way to work, Kevin was hit by a truck. He didn't survive the accident. Kevin was an angel to Chayton since day one here, so I'd like to think that he is in heaven smiling at Chayton every chance he gets.

On a lighter note...Chayton gets to go home today. Yeah! He will go to Winthrop, then to Iowa to see his brother and sister. They said he will have to be back on Friday, then on Monday for his stem cell deal.

Kylee Messner, Chayton's babysitter, came all the way up here to the cities today to donate blood for Chayton because he used the last of mine and we needed an alternate. Kylee matches his blood and was more than happy to do her best to save our little angel. Chayton's doctor met Kylee and actually wrote her a directive to alternate with me to donate blood for him. We don't know if we need someone to alternate with Darrell or not, but if we do, we already have that person, too. Isn't that great. I am pleased at ALL who volunteered to help our son, and thank you all!

We are getting ready to leave so I need to sign out. Love and Hugs to all. Dawn, Darrell, and Chayton:)

Gatlin and Ashley: MADLY!!!!!!!! See you sooner than we all thought. We will be down pr'y tomarrow. Love you!

Monday, August 20, 2001 at 09:30 AM (CDT)

Sorry I haven't written sooner, but the library where we can update is closed on Sundays, so we can only update @ home.

Chayton did have a blood transfusion on Saturday, and about 2 hours later, a platelet transfusion. Daddy is donating more platelets right now, and I am getting ready to go down and enroll my other two babies in kindergarten. The nurse, however, just informed me, Chayton is going to use the second half of the first bag of blood, today.

I am kinda out of my mind right now with everything going on, even though it's not an extreme, so I apologize.

We learned yesterday the condition Chay is in currently is called neutropenia. The doc said this is one thing that we have no wiggle worm with. I think he meant wiggle room, but he kept saying it that way, so, you get the gest, right?!? He said that this is one thing that takes alot of their patients. NOT CHAYTON!!!!!!!!!! I am not so worried about this because Chay is such a fighter.

They also informed us that he now has a permanent condition called clonus. This is where the nerves in his right side work O.T. Kinda like shivering when you put too much pressure on your leg/foot with it raised.

Hope I was able to give you all the info. I have at this time. Take care, and thank you all for everything. Love, Dawn, Darrell and Chayton:)

Gat 'n' Ash: Can't wait to see you, have your smiles on, silly stretchy arms ready and kissin' lips out and ready to go...I'm on my way. MADLY!!!

Saturday, August 18, 2001 at 10:43 AM (CDT)

Yesterday Chayton's counts were very low. He ran a pretty high temp, so we had to bring him back in. They sent him to Hutchinson first, then back here.

Today he is looking better. We don't know about the blood transfusion, because it wasn't written on his order...although, before we got here they told us to chose between Fri. and Sat. We chose Saturday to keep him home longer. Now we don't know.

Thank you to all who have signed on. We appreciate the thoughts and prayers. Grandpa and Grandma VanderKolk and Uncle Matt came up to see him, too, so he is enjoying himself quite nicely.

Don't have much more to say now. Thanks to all! Dawn, Darrell, and Chayton. :)

Gat 'n' Ash: MADLY!!!!!!!!! Remember to check the mail. Hope it's sunny where you are. Love you both and be good! Mom, Dad, and Chay. :)

Thursday, August 16, 2001 at 07:12 PM (CDT)

Hello all! Chayton is home and seems to be doing just fine. He went to Children's on Wednesday and we found out that his WBC is at 0 and his hemoglobin is at 8.25. The white count is what fights his infections, so he virtually has no immunities right now, and his hemoglobin is not supposed to drop below 9.25. They said at 7 they will do blood and platelet transfusions. They also told us to look forward to being there with him sick on or before Saturday.
Darrell donated his platelets for him on Wednesday. They should be ready and waiting for him when and if he has to go. He will start speech therapy tomarrow if he's still home. Then next week he will begin physical, occupational and massage therapies. These will take place in Hutchinson when he is home.
The home health nurse will be over in the morning to take labs. Hopefully he will bring his own levels back up.
His lines are filling up with air, just before the clamp, so we are thinking they both have leaks. We flush and everything, but it's a pain when he feels so blah and we have to do that, too. That's a big concern right now.
He was also fitted for his leg brace yesterday. They come in designs, too. I saw them all and asked how long he will have the same one, and they said for at least 12 months to 18 months, so I opted for a white brace instead of a designed one, and they said they will put a looney tunes character on the calf of it, so I chose TAZ! Darrell was busy donating, so he didn't get to choose, but he said that was okay, too, because this way, it doesn't matter what the occasion or what Chay has on, he can still be stylin' with the brace.
I would like to thank anyone and everyone who sent a letter or picture or card to Gatlin and Ashley in Iowa. They were just thrilled, and that took a good half hour for each of them to tell us about it on the phone. They were and still are so excited. It means alot for them to know they are still thought about.
I will let you all know about the benefit breakfast when I get more details, and thank you for the donations. They are greatly appreciated!
I should sign out now and get something else done. Love and thanks to all, Dawn, Darrell and Chayton Anderson.
Gat 'n' Ash: MADLY!!! We miss you and still can't wait to see you. Thank you for being so good. I am sending you the pictures you took in the hospital. You will smile big, you all look so cute. Love you and we will talk to you tomarrow. MADLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, August 14, 2001 at 09:08 PM (CDT)

Chayton's doing GREAT! He got a haircut today and looks awesome. Mom and dad got a haircut also. Don't worry Ashley, mom doesn't look like a boy and Gatlin, dad still has muscles.

Chayton goes back tomarrow and on Friday they're doing lab work to see how the white counts are working so they will know if they will need to do blood transfusions.

Gatlin & Ashley, mom and dad are glad to hear you are having a good time in Iowa. MADLY!!! So glad that you are being good keep it up. Mom and dad miss you both lots. Promise to see you soon.

An account was set up at the bank for all of you that have been wondering. The address is:

Chayton Anderson Benefit Fund
C/O Winthrop State Bank
PO Box R
Winthrop, MN 55396

Thank you for all of your help and prayers. We know they are working!!! Please keep them coming. Please remember Gatlin and Ashley also, they need God's strength too. And don't forget to write to them.

PLEASE sign the guestbook everytime you visit. We love to hear from you.

Will update photos tomarrow so you can see how charming Chayton is!!!

Monday, August 13, 2001 at 09:24 AM (CDT)

This is a GREAT day! Chayton is coming home! We are going to be very busy, this evening Colleen has a meeting set up to get the benefit breakfast or something like that going, tomarrow the home nurse is coming to see us, and then we have to get him into occupational, speech, massage, and physical therapies. Then Wednesday, we are back here, again. The break is going to go quick, but as long as we can even have him home for 10 minutes, that's great!
He has to keep his dressing on his head for a while, but that's alright. Where he had surgery, his hair has already grown back. (He gets the ability to grow hair from mom.) And what grew back is blonde. (He gets the gorgeous color from dad.) And they told us he would already start to lose his hair. That's our boy, proving them wrong again. If he was losing it now, it definately wouldn't be back already.
Ben sent his mommy up to see Chay and take him candy yesterday...we're gonna do something sweet for Ben today!
I have to go pack up...Won't be long, and JAIL BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love to all, and we'll keep you updated as before. Oh, by the way, he's smiley and happy today!
Dawn, Darrell, and Chayton
Gat 'n' Ash: MADLY! You guys take care, because we may be coming to see you this week or sometime near. Chayton sent a few reserve angels to watch over you, listen well and take care. MADLY...for always:) Chin up...and check the mail!!!!!!:)

Saturday, August 11, 2001 at 04:21 PM (CDT)

Hey there. Gatlin and Ashley are leaving right now, as I am typing. We had some heart to hearts today. They are having a hard time trying to understand this, but they are doing great. We told them to remember MADLY when they are upset. MADLY means mom and dad love you. So if you write them or see them, they know what you mean if you say it. They also said they were going to stay strong, too. We told them to cry if they needed to, but don't hold it in all the time.
Chayton had a bad day yesterday. He really swelled up and got sick, but today he is doing much better. It's amazing! The kid won't eat, but Grandpa and Grandma VanderKolk came and brought m&ms and he ate like a big dog. The nurse said, "as long as he eats!"
We learned how to do lots of stuff today. It was kinda overwhelming, but we'll be fine.
Uncle Shawn and Aunt Mickey brought the kids up to see Chayton, and it lit up his whole world to see them all. It was great. They have been awesome. They made pictures for Chayton, sang to him and everything.
It's a little funny how much Gatlin and Chayton look alike. Chayton looks identical to Gatlin at that age. And it's also amazing how much Gatlin and Ashley look alike, as well. Ashley looks just like her daddy and the boys look just like mommy. (mama's boys and daddy's girl!) It's cute.
Ashley is scared for Chayton to lose his hair. She's afraid it will hurt him. I told her he would be fine. She also asked me not to shave my hair off.
Gatlin is more concerned about his head and chest. He doesn't want Chayton to hurt at all. He looked at his chest ouie, and held back the tears.
Chayton is tough! He's gonna have everyone talkin' for years about how strong he is. And fight...WOW. He's full of fuel! He knows how to handle his own.
He looked at a bag of books lastnight, too, and said, "book" as he pointed to them. That was great. He is relearning his speech. No matter what, mom and dad are proud!
We appreciate all the prayers. It's really neat to see who all signs on to the guestbook. If you have extra prayers to give out, Chayton's friend Ben has a website, also. The address is www.caringbridge.com/mn/benjaman You can see pictures of him also. He is so cute. He was who doc was running back and forth with at the Hutchinson Hospital when I found out about Chayton. Doc was inducing his mom for him to be born when he came back to tell me Chayton had the tumor.
We also appreciate the donations that were sent up here. Thank you all so much.
Oh, and Chayton will be coming home on Monday and has to be back up here on Wednesday. Just so you know. We think Wednesday will be an outpatient visit.
Also, doc told us yesterday, she doesn't think he is going to get by without the permanent ventricularostomy. She said maybe days, weeks or months, but he'll have to have one. We just keep praying.
I suppose, I should go. She is waiting to close the library down. She can't hardly do that when I'm in here. I will be back tomarrow to update, I'm sure. I'll check out the guestpage then.
Love and hugs to all, Chayton, Dawn, Darrell, Gatlin, and Ashley. :)~

Friday, August 10, 2001 at 11:13 AM (CDT)

I don't know how much more I will be writing in here. Things are getting hectic, and it is an emotional struggle minute by minute.
Chayton just got really sick because the chemo. It was tough to see. That and he sleeps alot. He also isn't eating. We are planning to have birthday cake today, but if he won't eat, we pr'y won't either. We'll save it for Gatlin and Ashley, who will be here today or tomarrow! YEAH! He sure misses them.
We have been getting educated on what we will have to do when we get him home. It doesn't look pleasant. They drained 100 cc of fluid from his head this morning and they said they took more than that lastnight. They are still watching him closely.
I have to run. Love and hugs to all. Love, Chayton.

Gat 'n' Ash:
Mom and Dad can't wait to see you. Be sure to be on your best behavior. Chay isn't feeling so good. He needs you to be kinda mellow, okay?!? You can do it and still have fun. Who knows, maybe you can go for another wagon ride, or even pull your brother a little. Squeeze and kiss eachother. That's from mommy, daddy and Chayton. MADLY guys. mom and dad.

Thursday, August 09, 2001 at 02:56 PM (CDT)

Well, hello. They're up. All the pictures I promised. Knew you'd all appreciate a smile out of him. We are going to learn how to take care of him, today. They said they were going to start with the basics.
I donated blood today. Know what's really great?!? I didn't pass out. However, I am not afraid of needles, but let me tell you....I shrieked when I saw that one! I told the lady I wasn't ready, just wait. She was like, "wait for what? I'm in." The needle was like ... ... HUGE! That's the only word I can think of. That needle definately came from Texas.
Darrell has to go in next week to donate the platelets. Boy am I looking forward to that. He laughed the entire time we were there. I don't care. I would do it every hour of every day if it would save Chayton. I would let them take every last drop!
I should go. I will update tomarrow. I will probably not be so relaxed...just to forwarn you. Today, Chay has been pretty tired and medicated. Tomarrow will be a heart strengthening day, I'm sure. Those days always hurt to begin with.
Love to all, Dawn, Darrell and Chayton.
Gat 'n' Ash: MADLY!!!(mom and dad love you)

Thursday, August 09, 2001 at 10:09 AM (CDT)

Hey to all. Chayton made it out of surgery okay and also had his first round of chemo lastnight. It took quite a while. The first dose was 6 hours, and he had 3 to go. He will have chemo today and tomarrow, too. Daddy and I have to give it at home through his ports in the heart. We are nervous, but he will do fine.
He was very happy this morning. He ended up having to get a neb treatment for his asthma this morning, but is fine now. We are in lab waiting to find out our bloodtypes for sure. We had to get tested to see if the tumor has anything to do with genetics as far as we are concerned. Also, we were told he needed blood and platelet transfusions, and he is O+ and so am I and Darrell is A+ so I will donate the blood for him, and Daddy is donating the platelets for him. We want to be as involved in helping him as possible.
We would like to tell Shelly...you know who you are...you are an angel. You have really touched us, and we are so ... words cannot describe how we feel, but thank you!
The docs told us yesterday that so far the cancer hasn't spread which is good, because had it, they have never cured it. (And that's why they didn't tell us anything about what they could/couldn't cure). They also said there are risks. The chemo could cause infection that could be fatal, it could cause cancer (leukemia -spelling pr'y wrong), it may make him sterile...(the least of our worries), and there were more, but Chay is a fighter and he will always be.
Don't forget to sign his guestbook. We look at it all the time. Even if you have signed it before. It gives us comfort. I am also going to let you know again, the history pages have addresses, phone numbers, where to locate Gatlin and Ashley, etc.
Please don't forget to pray for our baby and all the other babies here. Benjamin, another little boy from back home, may get to come and see Chayton today. That will be fun. He is up here in ICC on the 2nd floor. He is 3 weeks old. Absolutely adorable. Ben was born with a cleft palate, as well as a problem with his jaw. Pray for Ben, too.
Thanks for everything, Love to all, Darrell, Dawn and Chayton. P.S. Gatlin and Ashley, if you see this, mommy and daddy love you very much. See you soon. Chin up.

Wednesday, August 08, 2001 at 02:52 PM (CDT)

Just a quick note to say CHAY came out of surgery okay. He is up and happy. Will let you know more later. Chin up! Lots of love, Dawn, Darrell, Chayton, Gatlin and Ashley.
P.S. the fund raiser is
Chayton Anderson
Winthrop State Bank
P.O. Box R
Winthrop,MN 55396

Wednesday, August 08, 2001 at 10:45 AM (CDT)

I'm back. Chayton just came out of MRI and they just woke him up, took him down the hall to the operating room, and he's already in there and they're doing their thing.
We are going to be in the waiting room, as soon as I am done here. They are starting with his spinal tap, first. We are very scared, but we are trying not to think about it.
Chayton got a haircut today by one of the doctors. I will have pictures later. We asked him to cut it, and the only thing he knew to do was give him a bowl cut. Grandpa and Grandma will be happy. They have wanted to get the boys' hair cut that way for about a year. So if you're looking, HEY! IT'S DONE!
As I was saying, in my last entry, before I was so quickly taken away, Chay came for a check up and they admitted him. They did say that his ventricles looked okay from the CT scan. They are still watching him. They said that by the looks of things, and the cancer in general, he is going to have to really fight, and give his all, because he has a long, hard road ahead of him. We all know our little Chayton is a fighter, so we just have to keep him happy.
Gatlin and Ashley are on their way to Iowa, again. They are really sad at times, but for the most part, they have faith that their brother is going to be well, and everything will be as close to "normal" as can be expected.
I will pr'y add another entry closer to 4 or 5 today and let you know how he's doing. Our # at the Wasie is 612-863-7891. Chayton's room # is 8111. He also has an answering machine in his room. That # is 612-813-6779.
Just a reminder, you can e-mail Chayton directly. Get.Well@childrenshc.org and on the subject line, Chayton Anderson, Minneapolis, Room 8111. They will print it out and deliver it to his room. He got one last time he was here from Aunt Shaun and Uncle Jerome. That was neat.
The kids will be staying at Grandma and Grandpa Kraft's and that address is P.O. Box 52; Ionia, IA 50645. You can write Gatlin and Ashley on the envelope, and it will get to them. The postal workers know them fairly well down there.
We would like to thank Shawn and Mickey Kraft for the hard work they have been putting in down in Iowa in efforts of support. We would also like to thank Colleen Dietz for everything in Winthrop, and Melissa Riddler for everything in Minnesota that she is working for. Actually, we don't know how to thank everyone, but we do appreciate all that you are doing.
I should go so I can hear how things are doing. Love to all, and Aunt Missy, Chayton got your message. Thanks!!! He can't wait to see the kids, either! Love you all, Darrell, Dawn and Chayton:)

Wednesday, August 08, 2001 at 10:11 AM (CDT)

Hey to all at home. Chayton is in MRI right now. He is sedated. He will come out of sedation around 10 and they will re-sedate him around 10:30 to go to the O.R. He will have the heart catheter put in so they can start chemo, take blood for the stem cells, and all that jazz.
Yesterday when we got here for his appointment, they admitted him, did a CT scan with and without contrast.
Darrell just came to get me, emergency. Gotta go.

Sunday, August 05, 2001 at 07:03 PM (CDT)

Hello to all out there. Chayton is in such great spirits, today. It is amazing to see such a sweet little boy struggle, and not even realize what he is going through.
We will find out tomarrow what time his appointment is on Tuesday. Again, he is going to find out if he needs a permanent ventricularostomy (shunt). Along with other things.
Darrell and I are going to have our blood tests done this week, and we don't know when we will find out the results for sure. They have a pathologist in Philidelphia working on Chayton's case, as well.
We were so touched today when we were talking to Gatlin and Ashley about Chayton's condition. We told them that we couldn't have their little friends around when Chayton begins chemo and his counts are down because that, too, could send him to heaven. Gatlin looked up and so bravely said, "That's okay, if he goes to heaven, all we have to do is talk to him and he will come back. We just have to talk to Jesus and He will send Chayton home where he needs to be." I wish I were so naive. I think that would make this so much easier. But we believe Chayton is going to get through this. There is a reason God allowed him to fall. The doctors said without treatment, he had 1-3 months. That was after his operation to have it removed. Imagine if he hadn't fallen. We could have been saying our good-byes, already, but obviously, that wasn't God's intention. He's here with us for a reason.
Although the tumor is still promonent, Chayton is going to beat this thing like you won't believe, and we have to believe that.
Don't forget to write in Chayton's guestbook, and also, read his history if you haven't read each entry. We have changed his pictures so that some who missed them, and were very important in his life could see how strong he was, and how brave he was.
Please continue to keep Chayton in your thoughts. Not just now, always. We appreciate everything everyone is doing for him. Thank you all. Love, Dawn, Darrell, Chayton, Gatlin and Ashley. :)

Saturday, August 04, 2001 at 01:12 PM (CDT)

Well hello from home!!! Chayton came home yesterday around 6:20 last night. He is really in good spirits. We played and had lots of laughs with the neighborhood, as well as Grandma and Grandpa Kraft and VanderKolk.
Mommy and Daddy bought the new bikes and a seat for Chayton, but we have been unsuccessful in going for a bike ride. The seat doesn't fit on the bike and we can't afford the trail behind type bike stroller. We are looking for a used one, but so far, no luck.
Colleen Dietz has been absolutely wonderful in helping our family in every way possible. She has made meals, called people, and set up an account at the Winthrop State Bank for Chayton. Also, we would like to thank Maryanne Nelson, and Terri Schmidt for spending an hour in our home picking up for Chayton's coming home, as well as LeAnn Horak for the food she brought for our family.
Dr. Bendle, Chayton's oncologist, just called and told Darrell that the CT scan came back, and there is good news so far. They didn't see anything in his chest or lower body. They still have to check blood to see if there is anything there, but so far, this is awesome news. Theresa "terese" also looked at the scan, she said his ventricles are slightly bigger, so they would like us to bring him back Tuesday for an appointment to talk to us to see if he should have a permanent ventricularostomy (shunt). They will do so while he is sedated Wednesday if it's necessary. They are also going to check my blood and Darrell's to see if this is a fluke thing, or if it's genetic. Again, he is only the 35th person ever diagnosed, so they are still learning too.
We appreciate all the prayers, and would like to thank everyone who has contributed in any way. THANK YOU!
Hopefully we will have more good news as time goes on. He will be there from Tuesday until Saturday or Sunday, but won't be admitted until Wednesday. Love to all. Dawn, Darrell and Chayton. P.S. You can send cards to Gatlin and Ashley at P.O. Box 52; Ionia, IA 50645. That's at Grandma and Grandpa Kraft's house. They love mail, and would feel very special. Please continue the prayers. They must be working!

Friday, August 03, 2001 at 12:37 PM (CDT)

Okay,all...guess I'm done with the photo page. Daddy picked what he liked and said leave it for a day or so. But as you can see, Chayton is looking as gorgeous as ever. Thank you all for everything. We appreciate every little bit of support. You are all wonderful and God Bless you day by day.
AH, this is the 3rd entry today. Can you tell we are excited to go?!? (Nervous, too.) Lots of love to all, and remember, #3 is a lucky number.
One more thing, we are here to lean on as well. I know alot of Chayton's fans are hurt as deeply as we are, don't be afraid. Darrell and I pick eachother up lots, and we're getting good at it. That's what support is. When one falls, we all work together to get them back up. Take care all of you, and pray for us, please. We think it's working. I take that back, we know it is!
Look out Winthrop, here we come. We will be home for 4 days in their entirity. It's gonna be great!
Love to all. Darrell, Dawn and Chayton.

Friday, August 03, 2001 at 11:44 AM (CDT)

Hello to all....this is our second round today...so you should go back into history and read the earlier entry. This is to let you know that we have had several photos taken of Chay and the other two kids, so we are presently updating that. Also ... Uncle Nate, we know you're out there...say hi! Love Chayton's Family...Keep smiling and Praying.

Friday, August 03, 2001 at 10:15 AM (CDT)

I have good news and not so good news! The not so good news I will tell you first. We had been misinformed! Isn't that great! (I love when bad news is great!) There are well under 100 cases. Chayton is the 35th person diagnosed with this cancer ever, in the US and surrounding countries. But at least he was diagnosed. How many others had this and it wasn't diagnosed correctly?!? That was the bad news...not so bad, huh?!? Scarey, but the good news overcomes this.
The good news is that the two survivors, well, they were both from here. Chayton is the 5th patient here to be diagnosed with this. Two have passed away, and two survived. One was around Chayton's age. He has to survive! They said that they don't know how many of the other 30 survived, but they speculate less than half, but that is still better odds than we were first given, right?!? Again, not all of these were in the brain, either. Some were in the liver. So maybe the odds are different that way, but Chayton goes against all odds. You know him. SPUNK MAN! I had a break down lastnight and Darrell was there to pick me up. Darrell had his earlier, and he also made it through.
One thing I can say honestly, is they said we were going to know pretty much everything there is to know about cancer when we are done, but I don't want to. I would be lying if I said I didn't want this to end with them putting a band-aid on Chay, and send him home for good. I want so badly for someone to say this was all just a huge mistake. But nobody will. We want promises of his future, but nobody will give us that. We want so many things, but we get what God will allow. I guess He is right, if he gave us Chayton with a bandaid today, we would be very leary, but I would take him anyway!
Around 3 today, Chay is going home for a few days. I don't know if I will be on to keep you updated as well when he is at home, but I will do my best. We are planning to try to get the kids and ourselves new bikes and a cart for Chayton and going for lots of rides when we get home. Whether we can afford it or not, this little boy is going to have every reason to pull through this.
I will put pictures up, today, I promise. When I get done here, I am going to do that immediately. With the other two kids, too.
Please continue to pray reallllllly hard for Chayton. He needs you all more than ever. Love you all...Darrell, Dawn and Chayton. Oh, and stop and see him if you're in the neighborhood. Thanks!

Thursday, August 02, 2001 at 09:07 AM (CDT)

I wish I knew how to write so things that I am writing wouldn't affect me as I go, but unfortunately, I'm not that good. Please bear with me...
I have chosen a "worst day of my life". That day would be Wednesday. We found out about Chayton on a Wednesday, the following Wednesday was the operation, yesterday was "not so great news" and next Wednesday is Chemo. (I think Darrell said he was going to have them change it to Tuesday to break the cycle.)
Yesterday around 5:30 p.m., 3 doctors brought me, Darrell, and Grandpa Kraft into a little room to talk about Chayton's tumor. For the fighter that he has been, we just knew he would be fine and there was no cancerous cells, but he would need chemo or radiation to get rid of what was left. They started by asking if we believed in God. Good sign, right?!? The prayers are working. Then they gave Chay's tumor a name. They called it a Rhabdiod Tumor, or an Atypical Teratoid Tumor. They said it's the same thing. Then they told us it was cancer. Okay, where do we go from here? They proceded to tell us that it is VERY aggressive and extremely rare. Where they removed to tumor, it's already starting to grow back. They figure he only had it for 4 1/2 months. We were told that in the last 5 years, there were just under 100 cases, and there are 2 survivors. Devastating news, but I had forgotten that we were talking about Chayton...the great fighter. He WILL be the third survivor. And we have to pray that it doesn't come back again, because if it does, they say he won't make it. This time there is a slim chance. A chance is a chance!
Chayton just got back from a GFR in nuclear medicine, they checked his kidneys to see if they were still working. They also are going to do a full body CT tomarrow, a spinal tap to see if it has spread to his spinal column, and they are taking blood every 1/2 hour.
If Chayton doesn't get treatment, they said he would only live for another 1-3 months. His treatment will be harsh and aggressive, they said. He will come in once every three weeks for chemo, get the maximum dose for the first three, then the next three will be more than max. He will also have blood transfusions, and be very ill. They said this will be like home. As much as our hearts hurt, we have to do this so Chayton can have a first love, drive a car, get married and have children of his own to love and laugh. God has come through in so many ways, but we really need him now. I am trying to be optimistic on the 2 survivor thing. If I get down, bear with me, we have been picking eachother up quite often around here, lately.
Chayton will have a surgically installed IV put into his chest for taking his blood, and administering chemo. They said he may pull at it at first, but he will learn not to real quick. (He's smart...I think he will leave it alone from the start.)
The doctors told Gatlin and Ashley what was going on with Chayton, so they are aware of the fear, moreso the hope.
We would like to send big hugs to Dr. Mark Matthias and his nurse Carol Heath, because had it not been for them, Chayton wouldn't have the opportunity to hang on to hope. They caught it sooner than most. They are absolutely wonderful...they're angels.
I will try to be back later, but right now, I would like to learn more about our child's condition.
Love and hugs to all. Thank you for everything. Please don't give up on our baby, we haven't and neither has God! Darrell, Dawn, Chayton, Gatlin and Ashley.
THE KRAFT-ANDERSON CLAN!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, August 01, 2001 at 11:34 AM (CDT)

Hey!!! It's so good to hear that you are all supporting Chayton. That is very comforting. A few people have been very generous and started fund raisers in Iowa and Minnesota to help out. We appreciate that. PRAYERS are definately welcome by all.
We still don't know exactly what the tumor consists of, and Theresa said they would talk to us around 5:30 this evening. They need to get the pathologists' reports back, yet. We did see the CT scans that were taken over the last few days. That was nerve racking because they are getting bigger. Theresa said the tumor is mostly gone, but he is still in trouble because of the CSF. (Cerebral Spinal Fluid) It's building up, again. They expected it to do so a little, but not alot.
Gatlin and Ashley made it. Boy, were we worried about their behavior, but they are so concious of the environment, that they are polite and quiet. Chayton started to giggle as soon as he saw them and he kissed them both. They were happy too, until they saw his ouie. They were upset, which was to be expected.
Chayton gave them each a camera to get their own views of this ordeal...from seeing him, to staying with grandma and grandpa Kraft in Iowa...getting spoiled rotten.
Chay is sleeping now, so we are going to go play, but I will update again, later. Grandma and Grandpa Kraft think he looks pretty good, too, so that is comforting when you all say that.
Remember, you can e-mail him directly by sending it to Get.Well@childrenshc.org
and on the subject line, write Chayton Anderson Minneapolis Room 8140. They will deliver it right to his room. AWESOME!!! He will love the mail. You can also send cards to Gatlin and Ashley at our home address...P.O.Box 322 Winthrop, MN 55396. Or you can send them to Gatlin and Ashley, P.O.Box 52 Ionia, IA 50645 c/o Ken and Lorie Kraft and they will get them. They like mail, too.
Thank you all for everything. Keep praying, PLEASE! He has already beat most of the odds! Love to all, Darrell, Dawn, Gatlin, Ashley and Chayton Hunter Anderson :)

Tuesday, July 31, 2001 at 01:59 PM (CDT)

Alot of prayers are getting to Chayton, because everyday, there is at least a little improvement. There is another way to contact him. You can e-mail him at Get.Well@Childrenshc.org and on the subject line put Chayton Anderson Minneapolis Rm 8140. If you put this, they deliver it to him in hard copy. He can get cards, letters, pictures, you name it.
He shared a big mac with mommy today, and daddy shared mommy's fries with him. He is doing better so they said he could have solids again. I don't think Mickey D's is what they had in mind, but he was whining, and we couldn't resist.
His oncologist informed us today that they still don't have the results of the tumor back, yet, so I don't know when we will know, but being on that floor isn't very comforting. We are praying they are wrong and it is NOT cancer. He's been through enough.
Daddy has him in a stroller right now and just brought him in from the play area. He loves to be out and about, but we can't make a habit of it.
He had another CT this morning around 8:30 and we haven't gotten those results back, either. The big spot in the back of his head is fluid.
Tomarrow there will probably be different pictures on here because sometime today his brother and sister are coming to see him. He is really excited. And hopefully we can get Tawana to have a picture with him. He loves her. And vice-versa. She just went out of her way to bring him a baby blanket today and she brought him the cutest one. She didn't even have him today, so she came in early to hold him and came back to bring that to him. She is one of God's angels. Believe me, they are everywhere. Here one always comes with two reserve angels just in case that one gets tired!
Thank you for all the prayers and thoughts of wellness for our precious Chayton. Please include a prayer for Gatlin and Ashley. They miss us and they need to be looked after, as well. Love and much thanks to all. Darrell, Dawn and Chayton Hunter.

Monday, July 30, 2001 at 04:08 PM (CDT)

Hello again, today...I just thought I would drop a quick line to let you know about the last few hours. Chayton was playing and laughing. He is playing and laughing, and he will continue to play and laugh. Know why?!? Because he is one cool kid! Anyway...check the photos...they're cute.
And don't forget to sign the address book and continue to pray. Thank you and love to all, Darrell, Dawn and Chayton.

Monday, July 30, 2001 at 10:49 AM (CDT)

Yesterday afternoon was such a good day for Chayton. He had his ventricularostomy (shunt) removed, along with the bandages, obviously. He seemed to be doing fairly well, so they decided he would be moved to the 8th floor to Hemotology and Oncology. That all seemed to be great news, except Daddy and I were very uncomfortable with him being moved so fast. We expressed our concern and they said he would be fine.
About an hour after that, maybe 2, I had another scare of my life. I went to pick up my baby and hold him, and his IVs sticking out of his neck were pulling so hard, and I didn't know there were sutures to keep them in place, so I laid him back down and ran out crying...but then they checked him, changed the bandages there, and explained it to me.
It seemed as though all was going well, although, mommy and daddy were very uncomfortable with the location of his room. It was the furthest away from the nurse's station, and I mean FAR! They put in a baby monitor and had the receiver right outside his door, so it did absolutely no good. His IV was empty and the alarm went off for about 20 minutes and I told daddy to press the silence button while I looked for the nurse. I looked and she was nowhere to be found. We were so worried...then it happened 2-3 more times and we again expressed our concerns. Then after Chayton's prayers, we were going to go back to our room and go to bed and daddy said to wait a few more minutes. (Which is daddy's intuition) Chayton vomitted his food from 11:00 in the morning. This happened at about 10:30 last night. The nurse again was not out there. We yelled. Chayton was choking. If we had left when we decided to go, we would have not known, and he could have choked to death. He didn't make a sound, no cry, nothing. His resperation went to 6/minute and his heart rate droped to 59. We were petrified. I was on one side of his crib and daddy on the other, and I didn't even know it. Daddy just saw something, realized what it was, sat him up and it just kept coming.
We both freaked out and were upset, so they finally said they would move him closer to the station...which was a little more comforting. They also had me talk via telephone to Dr. Nagib's assistant. He told me that Chayton's bowels had shut down, and this is what happens. We requested and IV instead of solids, and he agreed to do that, as well as we requested to judge the doses of narcotics to ween him and he agreed to that. He finally move to room 8140 at midnight. His phone number, (there is an answering machine in there, too.) is 612-813-6923. The best time to call is around 10 in the morning or 7 at night. That is when we are there and he is usually in a good mood. (We're in and out.) Our new room is 202 and the number is 612-863-7869. Again we are in and out.
This morning Theresa was in to see Chayton and said that he is really swollen, again, so they ordered more scans. Pray that all is well.
A nurse told Darrell that people who have others praying for them recover 25% faster than those who don't...even if they don't know they are being prayed for. She said that was documented after a scientific study. And they keep saying Chayton has not had MANY of the effects they were sure he would have.
I will update again today and have more photos to put up...I just don't know what time. Thank you all for your support, love, and prayers. We really appreciate it.
Love to all, Darrell, Dawn, and Chayton Hunter Anderson :)

Saturday, July 28, 2001 at 11:54 AM (CDT)

Chayton had a CT scan this morning to see how he is doing. We haven't heard anything, yet. Hopefully the news will be good.
His PICU nurse, Debbie, is absolutely awesome with him. He and her bonded in like a matter of seconds. It was amazing. She thinks he's an angel, and he adores her. Jocelyn, another nurse, comments on his strength, and says she can hardly believe it.
We brought Ronald McDonald in and filmed him with our sleeping angel, and he was funny. Chayton, Gatlin and Ashley are going to love that. He spent time in the sibling play area with Colton, too.
Last night Chayton's Aunt Shaun, Uncle Jerome and Aunt Renee were here to see him, and he was doing really good then, too. I didn't see much of them because other things going on, but they seemed cheerful which is great for Chayton...and the rest of the family as well.
Uncle John and Aunt Missy are leaving today...bummer...but he smiles alot for them, too. Other guests today are Colleen Dietz and her children Erica and Ryan, and Ryan's sweet girlfriend, Tracy.
There are alot of other children here that could also use your prayers. They truly do perform miracles here, and we believe it has alot to do with all the prayers and God's angels working overtime.
Sometimes things get hectic and overwhelming, but we try to do our best. Yesterday, daddy went home for a while, and missed quite a bit, so when he got back, I left for quite a long while so he could have his special moments to tell about, and he did. Isn't that great!?!
By the way don't forget to sign the guest book and write something to our Chayton. He will get either a hard copy, or we will burn a cd for him so he will always have it...and he can see how many hearts he touched.
His brother and sister are still coming on Monday, along with Grandpa and Grandma Kraft. That should be an exciting day. His sister, Nicole, will be ariving today to see him. Gatlin and Ashley are 5 and Nicole is 13. Chayton is 14 months. He will be 15 months on August 12. Wherever he is...we will celebrate.
Chayton has become quite playful recently, so hopefully soon, he will have the wagon ride he has been waiting for.
He had his shunt clamped this morning to see how well he progresses over the next 24 hours. Keep praying. We appreciate it.
Love to all....Dawn, Darrell, and Chayton
:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

Friday, July 27, 2001 at 04:06 PM (CDT)

Hey all...Chayton is doing pretty well under the circumstances. They have taken him off the morphine due to possible allergic reactions...and have him on another med. They are going to do another MRI possibly Saturday to check and see how the CSF is draining. If it comes out okay, he will not be needing a shunt. If Chayton keeps improving, an IV may be taken out of one arm and possibly one ankle, which seems to be bothering him. Grandma V. goes in and hums him to sleep when nothing else works. The nurses have actually asked for her!!! He loves us all, but it bothers him to see mom and dad and not be picked up.
B.T.W. A few people have mentioned that they thought there would have been more on the journal...you have to go back to previous journal entries. The first one explains things better.
His doc said they didn't get all of the tumor like they thought, however, if they would have, Chayton would have suffered permanent brain damage as well as paralysis. They still don't know if the tumor has caused any brain damage in and of itself. They will find that out in time. They think he's coming along grand. He is a fighter!!! It really shows...especially after the valume, morphine, and some other drug they medicated him with, and should have put him right out, and still took 45 minutes...!!!!!! (Then they called on G'ma) Our prayers are being answered slowly, but as long as they are, we're grateful.
We aren't taking one day at a time, but rather a half day at a time. We were advised that it's best that way.
Chayton will see Gatlin and Ashley Monday for the first time we hope. They all miss eachother.
Thank you all for the calls, prayers, support and whatever else in kindness, it is all greatly appriciated by each and every family member as well as the staff and newly found friends of Chayton. (Don't forget to read past entries!) And don't stop praying...please.
Love to all, Dawn, Darrell and Chayton

Thursday, July 26, 2001 at 03:18 PM (CDT)

Hey all...when you go to the photos, you will have to scroll down after the first photo because there are two more. Use your descretion when veiwing in the presence of children. They look good, but if your child knows Chayton personally, it may be a shock. Love all. ~ "Mowglie's" parents. :)

Thursday, July 26, 2001 at 12:59 PM (CDT)

Chayton was diagnosed a week ago yesterday with a brain tumor in his left ventricle of his brain. Yesterday, Dr. Nagib and his assistant Theresa O'Fallen perfomed surgery to remove the tumor. The operation seems to have been a success. Our little guy seems to be doing really well, under the circumstances.
He has a ventricularostomy and it is extremely crutial for him to rest and not be moved, although, he likes to hear mommy and daddy talk and feel our touch. Next week he will see his brother and sister for the first time since the operation, and vice versa. We are all still nervous because he is in a very critical stage. We are also awaiting the news of whether or not the tumor is...WAS cancerous. (They think they got it all!)
Chayton had many angels and so many people praying for him...We would like to thank each and every person who prayed for our precious baby. Without all the prayers and support, who knows how things would have went through the surgery.
I know I sound like he's in the clear, but he's not. We just want the best, and we believe this is where he can get it.
I don't know how long he will be in ICU, but we have a room at Wasie. That phone number is 612-863-7880. No promises on when we will be in the room. Later, when he moves up to Oncology, we will have an answering machine in that room, along with the fact that we will be there often.
Who knows how often we will update this, but some days may be many times and others may be completely bypassed.
Love and many thanks to all for prayers and everything.

P.S. When Chayton first went in to surgery, there was a little girl walking by me outside. I was surrounded by others, and the little girl just stared at me....all the way by, I wasn't crying or anything...We believe she, being so young and innocent, saw the angels surrounding me. And daddy felt their presence, as well.
With Love,
Darrell, Dawn, Gatlin, Ashley and CHAYTON HUNTER ANDERSON :)

Click here to go back to the main page.

----End of History----